Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Morph Bark]

EDIT: Maybe I'm just not used to getting stuff...I'm usually the generous one...

That might be it. My ex liked getting me stuff, but she hated it when I got her something when she didn't instantly have something for me in return or had given me something just before that, and she often gave me little things at random times.

[Rawhide]

I've gotten her a few things and she loved what I got, so that's all good. I'm just uncomfortable with the amount she spent in general...we could have saved some of that for things to do later. I'm very careful with money because I've been crapped on by the world more times than I can count.

EDIT: Maybe I'm just not used to getting stuff...I'm usually the generous one...

Short of reminding her that she doesn't need to spend money on you, but that you like what she got you just the same, there isn't really much more to do. If you make too much of it, it can make the whole experience unpleasant.

[Adumbration]

So uh, how do I get rid of feeling smitten by someone? I already asked her out once a year? Year and a half ago? Back when I didn't know her so well, got a negative answer. The problem is, these days we hang out at school in the same group a lot, one guy and four girls (the guy being me).

I'm not sure if I even want to go out with her - she's eccentric, self-titled villain and has a relatively frequently changing boyfriend. It's just that for some reason I'm attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women.

Counting out the possibility of asking her out again, what can I do to get her out of my mind?

[Coidzor]

Damn if there's nothing like the holidays for reminding you that you're young and are supposed to be out engaged in drinking, debauchery, and general raucousness.

So uh, how do I get rid of feeling smitten by someone? I already asked her out once a year? Year and a half ago? Back when I didn't know her so well, got a negative answer. The problem is, these days we hang out at school in the same group a lot, one guy and four girls (the guy being me).

I'm not sure if I even want to go out with her - she's eccentric, self-titled villain and has a relatively frequently changing boyfriend. It's just that for some reason I'm attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women.

Counting out the possibility of asking her out again, what can I do to get her out of my mind?

Acquire a new target, generally. Preferably one that isn't crazy, because that's pretty much rule one right there that you're going against.

Though expanding/substituting your circle of friends will help as well, since it'd make for having someone else to look at so you're not reminded of whatever it is that makes you attracted to this person who goes through boyfriends like a hospital goes through latex gloves.

[AtlanteanTroll]

I'm attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women.

Aren't we all? (Is of no help whatsoever.)

[Adumbration]

Acquire a new target, generally. Preferably one that isn't crazy, because that's pretty much rule one right there that you're going against.

Though expanding/substituting your circle of friends will help as well, since it'd make for having someone else to look at so you're not reminded of whatever it is that makes you attracted to this person who goes through boyfriends like a hospital goes through latex gloves.

Well, perhaps not that frequently, but it's pretty hard to tell because she's very tightlipped about her personal affairs. In any case, I'd rather not seek a new circle of friends: these ones are my friends.

I might try for another 'target', though I dislike the term. There's this one girl from a year below that a friend of mine (yes, one of the girls mentioned above), after hearing a description of our interactions told me was probably "ripe wheat". I'm a bit boneheaded about these things myself, so I suppose I should believe her.

Aren't we all? (Is of no help whatsoever.)

Ain't that the truth.

[Morph Bark]

So, the girl I hung out with a lot a while back, who told me she wanted some distance because she had no idea how she felt? Ended up dropping by her place a little over a week ago to give her and her family Christmas cards (one for the family, one for just her). She was surprised to see me, but the family acted like it was almost natural and was very welcoming and I had a fun conversation with them and later just her, before I left to go deliver more cards (I had been on my way to my grandma and ended up staying longer than I had expected to). I asked her about her feelings again and she told me she had talked to her parents about it, but she still had no idea what to feel.

I'm guessing she's simply confused with regards to new emotions that she's never really felt before, as I'm the first person she's kissed, so I'm guessing I'm the first she's been really romantically interested in at all. I know that the first time I fell in love I had no idea how to cope with those emotions, so maybe it's something like that. Considering my feelings for her haven't subsided one bit, I'm thinking of giving her a call later this week and talk to her about it, perhaps set up a meeting so we can talk face-to-face (unless she'd be uncomfortable with that), ask her some things, tell her how I feel and reaffirm what I told her in the beginning: that we'll take this at our own pace, but that she'll need to tell me so when she thinks it's going too fast. (I told her this on the day of her grandma's 90th birthday, on which she had considered bringing me along, but she was uncertain about it, as while she felt a lot for me, she was scared about introducing me yet, as they'd assume I was her boyfriend, and told me that. Plus she kind of hates that grandma of hers and thinking back I'm not even sure if she went herself.)

[The Succubus]

I wish you good luck, Mr Bark and hope something develops between the two of you. =)

As for forgetting about a former love, I hear there's this river in Hell that offers forgetfulness to those that drink of its waters. Letting go is a lot harder in comparison to walking through a demon infested inferno.

[Castaras]

For letting go of a loved one, I find the only way is time. Time to get away from them, time to find another.

Try a new activity maybe. One that you have never tried ever before. I used WoW when I broke up with my first boyfriend to help overcome my still strong feelings.

[Serpentine]

This is the first Christmas in a long time I actually have a girlfriend, and we've been dating since the beginning of the Fall. She makes more than I do financially, and has bought me a crap ton of stuff. I don't make as much and feel guilty that I can't get her as much. How do I talk to her about this without sounding ungrateful for the gifts?

I have two possible, not incompatible and not necessarily correct, perspectives:
1. I, personally, like giving people gifts (it's actually put me in a tight spot financially at the moment). I like to make people happy, but honestly it's mostly pretty selfish. I like hunting for just the right present for someone, and if I had more money I'd do it more often and better because it's something I like doing. Maybe, basically, she just does it because she wants to.
2. Different people like to show and be shown affection in different ways. It's possible that giving gifts is the way she likes to do it. You could ask her how she likes to receive it (I like touch), and do it more often.

Bonus: personally, the value in gifts I receive is not in cash but in how much it shows they know me. If a gift is perfectly Her, it doesn't matter if it costs l$10 or even if you made it yourself. What matters is that it's just right.

[Sholos]

I have two possible, not incompatible and not necessarily correct, perspectives:
1. I, personally, like giving people gifts (it's actually put me in a tight spot financially at the moment). I like to make people happy, but honestly it's mostly pretty selfish. I like hunting for just the right present for someone, and if I had more money I'd do it more often and better because it's something I like doing. Maybe, basically, she just does it because she wants to.
2. Different people like to show and be shown affection in different ways. It's possible that giving gifts is the way she likes to do it. You could ask her how she likes to receive it (I like touch), and do it more often.

Bonus: personally, the value in gifts I receive is not in cash but in how much it shows they know me. If a gift is perfectly Her, it doesn't matter if it costs l$10 or even if you made it yourself. What matters is that it's just right.

Agreeing absolutely with Serp, here. For example, my sister got me two comics, one of Magneto and a Sandman issue, that she found at a Goodwill (so they probably only cost her a few dollars). Incredibly awesome gift. I'm getting her Swedish Fish when I finally have the time to go to the store because she rarely gets them and very much enjoys getting the same gift every year (she really does not like change).

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I have two possible, not incompatible and not necessarily correct, perspectives:
1. I, personally, like giving people gifts (it's actually put me in a tight spot financially at the moment). I like to make people happy, but honestly it's mostly pretty selfish. I like hunting for just the right present for someone, and if I had more money I'd do it more often and better because it's something I like doing. Maybe, basically, she just does it because she wants to.
2. Different people like to show and be shown affection in different ways. It's possible that giving gifts is the way she likes to do it. You could ask her how she likes to receive it (I like touch), and do it more often.

Bonus: personally, the value in gifts I receive is not in cash but in how much it shows they know me. If a gift is perfectly Her, it doesn't matter if it costs l$10 or even if you made it yourself. What matters is that it's just right.

That actually helps a lot. Thanks. In other news, everything given and received was highly appreciated, so I'm happy it all worked out.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Ain't that the truth.

What, that everyone's attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women or that I am of no help whatsoever?

[Pyromancer999]

What, that everyone's attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women or that I am of no help whatsoever?

I'd guess the first. They're more fun, but can be more troublesome romantically, or so I'm told.

[Adumbration]

What, that everyone's attracted to attractive, bat-****-crazy geeky women or that I am of no help whatsoever?

I'd guess the first. They're more fun, but can be more troublesome romantically, or so I'm told.

Well, jeah. It's almost amusing - while this other girl I was talking about is pretty enough - and is surely fairly smart, considering where she's studying - she seems, I don't know, a bit boring. Decidedly ungeeky.

It's the crazy ones that grasp our attention I guess.

[Coidzor]

Well, jeah. It's almost amusing - while this other girl I was talking about is pretty enough - and is surely fairly smart, considering where she's studying - she seems, I don't know, a bit boring. Decidedly ungeeky.

It's the crazy ones that grasp our attention I guess.

Personally I favor the hot ones.

[Adumbration]

Personally I favor the hot ones.

I suppose that's a matter of taste. I've met a plenty of hot girls that I've found a little repugnant due to behavior or character. I've also met a plenty of girls of more plain face that are attractive - and I wouldn't even say despite their looks.

Being hot isn't the end-all in my opinion.

[Glass Mouse]

Hey, kinda long time no see. I took a hiatus from this thread when my own relationship started going south, and uh...

Yeah, I'm single now. For the first time in eight years. I just feel completely lost, but I know the drill - build myself up, keep moving, take up new activities, etc. It's just difficult to know WHAT to take up, and in what direction to move.

I'll figure it out. Every day is easier. I just wanted to, I dunno... share. I'm in a weird mood tonight.

If anyone's curious, the story is: We drifted apart, my feelings changed, I fought for two years to save a sinking ship, it sunk anyway, and I made the decision to break up. He's a great guy, but he isn't for me. Not anymore. I'm still navigating the "but it was MY decision, I should be HAPPY!!!" feelings, but I know I'm still allowed to grieve.
Or rather, I AM grieving, and I can't really change that.

Just gotta keep moving forward, I guess. Chug, chug.

[Castaras]

*massive hugs*

Know the feeling exactly. Stock up on the chocolate icecream.

It will get better, and you're definitely allowed to grieve. Breaking up with someone you love enough to know it's wrong to stay together is the hardest thing in the world.

[Coidzor]

Hey, kinda long time no see. I took a hiatus from this thread when my own relationship started going south, and uh...

Yeah, I'm single now. For the first time in eight years. I just feel completely lost, but I know the drill - build myself up, keep moving, take up new activities, etc. It's just difficult to know WHAT to take up, and in what direction to move.

Giving in to whim and fancy even when it's appropriate doesn't come naturally to everyone, though that's about what I recall is the go-to for such things. Nothing foolhardy, but giving things a go as they ping on your radar and then letting them sink or swim on their ability to keep you is a traditional method from what I recall and even one of those traditions that hasn't been completely exploded and discredited as being a kyriarchal mug's game.

I'll figure it out. Every day is easier. I just wanted to, I dunno... share. I'm in a weird mood tonight.

Night time is the right time for a weird mood, though as a semi-professional forum weirdo, I have to admit that it's really not all that weird to want to get that feeling off of your chest.

Just gotta keep moving forward, I guess. Chug, chug.

Let's leave chugging to the frat boys and their marks, I'd say. At least wait until there's something sufficiently celebratory for a bacchanalia

Though, I must admit to wishing that we saw you again under happier circumstances, still, it is not without pleasure that I welcome you back.

I suppose that's a matter of taste. I've met a plenty of hot girls that I've found a little repugnant due to behavior or character. I've also met a plenty of girls of more plain face that are attractive - and I wouldn't even say despite their looks.

Being hot isn't the end-all in my opinion.

Oh, certainly, certainly it isn't the end, but then, being hot is mostly about the beginning anyway.

Certainly easier to find a girl that's both hot and can keep up a good conversation than one that's crazy and won't lead the family dog to a bad end or some other similar misadventure though.

[Glass Mouse]

*massive hugs*

Know the feeling exactly. Stock up on the chocolate icecream.

It will get better, and you're definitely allowed to grieve. Breaking up with someone you love enough to know it's wrong to stay together is the hardest thing in the world.

Thanks a lot! It's silly, but those words help a lot

The strangest part is, I really crave emotional connection (meaning I'm reconnecting with friends I've neglected this past year - which is great), but I tire easily. Christmas, with all that family and all the people, has been so incredibly draining. I've always been introverted, but this is crazy.

I don't like it when my emotions do weird things I'm not in control of. But I suppose I'll just have to ride it out, and it'll blow over on its own.

Giving in to whim and fancy even when it's appropriate doesn't come naturally to everyone, though that's about what I recall is the go-to for such things. Nothing foolhardy, but giving things a go as they ping on your radar and then letting them sink or swim on their ability to keep you is a traditional method from what I recall and even one of those traditions that hasn't been completely exploded and discredited as being a kyriarchal mug's game.

*nod, nod* Makes sense. No reason to commit 100% to a path or anything right now. I need to remember that and quell my impulse to fix everything right away.

Let's leave chugging to the frat boys and their marks, I'd say. At least wait until there's something sufficiently celebratory for a bacchanalia

Heh, I was going for a train sound. Darn English onomatopoeias

(and right on that it's a bad idea. I've learned that a single beer is enough to depress me, meaning I stay far away from alcohol for the time being)

Though, I must admit to wishing that we saw you again under happier circumstances, still, it is not without pleasure that I welcome you back.

Thanks. I'll probably resume checking in from time to time now that my own relationship life has some clarity

[Morph Bark]

When you want to talk about important stuff with someone concerning your relationship with them, and you don't manage to reach them via phone, what's the general consensus? Leave a message? Try again later?

I haven't made the actual call yet, but the person in question rarely has their phone with them.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

When you want to talk about important stuff with someone concerning your relationship with them, and you don't manage to reach them via phone, what's the general consensus? Leave a message? Try again later?

I haven't made the actual call yet, but the person in question rarely has their phone with them.

Leave a message saying you were wondering when you could hang out. If she doesn't answer the phone much, leaving a message is the best way to reach her. You could always say: "Hey, this is -Morph-, sorry I missed you. Give me a call back when you get this." Or something of the sort. You can be reasonably vegue and be fine.

[Morph Bark]

So I did it. I gave her a call, but not before typing out in Word what I wanted to say, because I was afraid I'd get nervous and stumble over my words, and while I may have been told more than once that I'm adorkable like that, I'd rather have my message be clear and carry some confidence with it.

She didn't pick up, so I left a message telling her I wanted to talk about something, but I didn't expect a quick call back from her. It did just now turn out she sent me a message via Facebook that she now has a new phone and her Whatsapp died, asking me if I had sent her anything over it. (The last time I sent her something was a brief thank-you for a Christmas card that Wednesday, which was in Japanese.)

I'm not sure if she knows what I want to talk about, considering I left it vague, but she did at least seem happy enough to get back in touch with me. I'm betting nothing yet, but it doesn't seem negative at least.


...also, in a way, I wish I lived in the olden days, where there were fewer ways to communicate rather than hop back and forth from one medium to another. It confuzzles me sometimes. @_@ But then I wouldn't have the internet and many things I enjoy and I would only have swordfighting left. And reading (a more limited amount of) books.

...and pubbing.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Well, I'm glad things are at least appearing to be going in a forward nature! I know what you mean on the massive amounts of communication venues. It would also slow everything down a bit which IMO would be quite lovely. No one has time to write letters or things anymore, because the world moves so fast.

[Morph Bark]

It would probably help me loads as well. On the one hand, I like conversations that have a personal atmosphere (talking over the phone, face-to-face, possibly written letters too), but I stumble over words easily, especially since they're in multiple languages in my head. On the other hand, I could write my letters like poems or in the ways I used to talk to friends to who were feeling down. My ex has often told me I should be an inspirational speaker. Stage fright probably would sink that ship faster than you can say "Leonardo DiCaprio". :I

[TheWombatOfDoom]

It would probably help me loads as well. On the one hand, I like conversations that have a personal atmosphere (talking over the phone, face-to-face, possibly written letters too), but I stumble over words easily, especially since they're in multiple languages in my head. On the other hand, I could write my letters like poems or in the ways I used to talk to friends to who were feeling down. My ex has often told me I should be an inspirational speaker. Stage fright probably would sink that ship faster than you can say "Leonardo DiCaprio". :I

It's interesting: I'm a nervous wreck in telling a girl I like her, or giving a speech to a small audicence (like a classroom) but I've spoken in front of litereally thousands of people with no problem.

I often know what to say when speaking to my girlfriend, or in a fit of passion. But once I think its all over. I've gone over to thinking with my heart nearly all the time.

[noparlpf]

I'm great at public speaking so long as I'm unconscious the whole time. I actually fell asleep in the middle of my spoken final presentation in Spanish last year.

[AtlanteanTroll]

So ... There's a big anime Con I go to with my friends (mostly female) at the end of January. Usually which ever girl's single will have a sort of mini-hook up. Several of them have decided to "get me a girl" this year. Merp.

[Morph Bark]

It's interesting: I'm a nervous wreck in telling a girl I like her, or giving a speech to a small audicence (like a classroom) but I've spoken in front of litereally thousands of people with no problem.

I often know what to say when speaking to my girlfriend, or in a fit of passion. But once I think its all over. I've gone over to thinking with my heart nearly all the time.

I get what you mean with the last bit, I'm the same. But have you really spoken in front of literally thousands of people? What was the occassion? College graduation ceremony?

So ... There's a big anime Con I go to with my friends (mostly female) at the end of January. Usually which ever girl's single will have a sort of mini-hook up. Several of them have decided to "get me a girl" this year. Merp.

So which of them has decided to turn your life into a sitcom?

Seriously though, good luck with that. Especially since you say it's "several of them". Ouch.