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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Heliomance View Post
    Four and a half months after our break-up, I can finally read my ex's Facebook statuses without more than a mild pang.

    Ye gods, but that took a while. And even now, if getting back with her was an option, I would take it in a heartbeat.
    I can offer only hugs and an assurance that it gets better.
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  2. - Top - End - #212
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    That's why I stopped using Facebook, actually. I felt a whole lot better after deleting it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
    "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering DM; to the last I argue with thee; from hell’s heart I slay catgirls at thee; for Galgenhumor’s sake I spit my last snark at thee. Sink all Sues and all katanas to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still gaming with thee, though ticked at thee, thou damned DM! Thus, I give up the logic!"

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Thufir View Post
    I can offer only hugs and an assurance that it gets better.
    also smacks on the back of your head for thinking about getting back together
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  4. - Top - End - #214
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    also smacks on the back of your head for thinking about getting back together


    Because that's helpful, or appropriate when you know nothing of the circumstances involved.

    I am, I think, mostly over her. She has a boyfriend and I'm okay with this. I could find someone myself and not be comparing it to what I had with her. I'm okay with not going out with her again.

    But what we had together was amazing, and there seems little point in denying that. I still think on it fondly, and if I was offered the chance to have it again I would take it without hesitation.
    Last edited by Heliomance; 2012-12-07 at 04:39 AM.
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    The only person in the past two pages who has known what (s)he has been talking about is Heliomance.
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    I just don't want to have long romantic conversations or any sort of drama with my computer, okay? It knows what kind of porn I watch. I don't want to mess that up by allowing it to judge any of my choices in romance.

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  5. - Top - End - #215
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    I don't know if I'd be so quick to reconnect with my ex. I have extremely fond recollections of our time together and for a time I thought she might actually be The One. I tried to find work in Denmark and even did two years of learning Danish before she brought our relationship to a very abrupt halt. Then to rub salt in a very tender wound she told me she'd started going out with a workmate she introduced me to.

    It's highly aggrivating. I still find myself occasionally doing things we used to do as a couple and even thinking in Danish from time to time. Stuff like that really sours the positive memories I have of our time together.

    I'm glad you've had a little more success moving on, Helio. You'll make someone a wonderful girlfriend one day.

  6. - Top - End - #216
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Going through my music today I discovered that the cover art for one of my Led Zeppelin albums (my Big Ex's favourite band) is the picture he commissioned from someone on this forum of the D&D character I played alongside and DMed for for years, and had a small pang or two. So, you know, you're not alone/it's okay if it doesn't completely go away for a while
    (...although it did have me wondering, which do I miss more: him, or his character? <.<)

    Random aside: got to listen to my housemates shagging today. Suddenly (well, not that suddenly...) a bit lonely and... shall we say, craving physical contact. Alas!
    ...eh, I'll live. Issues of various kinds mean I'm not interested in rushing into a relationship, hesitant about having anything physical with a just-a-friend (and have a notable lack of candidates in the area anyway), and I think a one night stand would be awkward as hell, so meh.

  7. - Top - End - #217
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Well, this is my first post hear, so if I'm forgetting anything, let me know.

    My wife of 2 years just asked for a divorce today, while I'm across country for work. She's not been happy with our relationship for a while now, and feels that it'd be best to separate. She's not spiteful or angry or anything of the like, she just wants out.

    Best way to handle my emotions?

    Quick details:
    -I'm 22, she's 21
    -We've not fought a lot recently. We did when we first got married...... I'm starting to wonder if we ever did really recover from it. The last few months have had no fighting whatsoever.
    -......... I can't think of anything else at the moment.
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  8. - Top - End - #218
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    My girl is Jewish and as such celebrates Hanukkah.

    She arrived Tuesday night. Before she arrived, I found her menorah, then went out & bought her the candles she needed. She had been driving the previous nights, so the 4th night of Hanukkah was the first she could celebrate.

    My gift to her doesn't arrive until the 19th, so it will be late. (I ordered it on the 9th on Amazon. I didn't expect that it would take an entire 10 days to receive it.) Her family isn't getting her anything because she lives in another state now (wtf?). She's sad about not receiving any Hanukkah gifts during Hanukkah.

    Meanwhile, there's a growing pile of gifts from my family. Ordered online & shipped directly to me, to open on webcam Christmas morning with my family. (I've been asked to wrap them myself. I can't see what they are as they're in opaque boxes.) These gifts are mostly, if not all, actually to both of us.

    I honestly don't care when things get opened, but I want my girl to be happy, and I want my family to be happy.

    Drama:
    My girl & my mom unfortunately don't seem to get along well. Primarily, my girl wishes to avoid contact with my mom. My mom is more open to getting to know my girl & possibly liking her, but my girl had a bad experience when they first met for unrelated reasons and took the interpretations given to her by one who is too self-centered to give sensible advice. With enough arguing, she'll sometimes temporarily realize this, but forget again within a couple days. Her mind is, unfortunately, more rooted in emotion than logic. (She is aware of this.)

    So, in the current plan, she will not open any gifts until the 19th. The last night of Hanukkah ends on the 16th. Do you see any way for me to fix this for her?

    A thought I had: She missed the first 3 nights, so I might ask if she'd like to celebrate those three nights late, which would put my gift's arrival only 1 day late of her celebration.

    Another thought: I could wrap a pic of her gift... So she'll know what she's getting before it arrives, but will have "unwrapped" it on time.

    Edit: I've also thought about pointing out buying her dinner at a restaurant last night or a movie ticket for tonight, which are within the time, but the dinner was meant to be spontaneous romantic & the movie is with 10+ other people that I know most of & she hasn't met yet.
    Last edited by Thajocoth; 2012-12-13 at 07:46 PM.
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  9. - Top - End - #219
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Surprise her with a few inexpensive, but thoughtful gifts. Just little things that she likes. Don't tell her about them beforehand, just go get them and wrap them up and give them to her. It's not quite as good as a full on gift, but it shows you care.
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  10. - Top - End - #220
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    My girl is Jewish and as such celebrates Hanukkah.

    She arrived Tuesday night. Before she arrived, I found her menorah, then went out & bought her the candles she needed. She had been driving the previous nights, so the 4th night of Hanukkah was the first she could celebrate.

    My gift to her doesn't arrive until the 19th, so it will be late. (I ordered it on the 9th on Amazon. I didn't expect that it would take an entire 10 days to receive it.) Her family isn't getting her anything because she lives in another state now (wtf?). She's sad about not receiving any Hanukkah gifts during Hanukkah.
    I seem to recall that the theme before commercial and consumptive competition set in was one of a myriad of little gifts. That may provide a stopgap angle.

    Some cute handicrafts generally go over well with the ladies and would be thematic from what I recall. You may not want to go full south park unless she's likely to get the reference and enjoy it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    My girl & my mom unfortunately don't seem to get along well. Primarily, my girl wishes to avoid contact with my mom. My mom is more open to getting to know my girl & possibly liking her, but my girl had a bad experience when they first met for unrelated reasons and took the interpretations given to her by one who is too self-centered to give sensible advice. With enough arguing, she'll sometimes temporarily realize this, but forget again within a couple days. Her mind is, unfortunately, more rooted in emotion than logic. (She is aware of this.)
    Why and how did she get involved with that webcam plan if she doesn't like your mother and beyond that wants to actively avoid her?

    Considering the tone of apparent bitterness you have, at least as far as who your gedonkle trusts to give good judgment, might want to consider some mediation there.

    You might negotiate to get blessing as to which of the gifts for the webcamming are more minor since it sounds like there's some number greater than 2 so that such could be opened earlier. Might play it up as a feather-smoothing, goodwill-gesturey thing, and since it'd be something other than the pièce de résistance, there'd be less vehement objection and less repercussions if you just went ahead and did it anyway.
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  11. - Top - End - #221
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Why and how did she get involved with that webcam plan if she doesn't like your mother and beyond that wants to actively avoid her?
    She didn't. I don't think my girl actually knows of this plan. Christmas morning, my family wants me to webcam with them & open gifts together, despite being on opposite coasts. My girl lives with me & is likely invited to this as well, but I doubt she wants to be involved. I'll bring it up tonight. I received the largest of these packages today. (They've all been shipped to where I work.) I have no way of knowing what's what or from which member of my family.

    Mediation of what?

    I cannot make anything without her knowledge unless I do it at work, and in either case it would take away time together. We're pretty much spending as much time glued together as humanly possible right now. She's been away for 7 months.

    The event was a year & a half ago. She needed food. Reactive hypoglycemia set in. She had products containing white flour & white sugar, which made it worse. She had high anxiety. (It was before she went on Saphris for anxiety and she was meeting my family for the first time, halfway across the country.) It was really all just a problem waiting to happen. It's my fault for rushing their meeting. They happened to be in the same state & I figured that made it a good idea. Oh well. It was the end of August 2011. I had known my girl for about a month and a half at the time.

    She took the interpretations given to her by the "friend" she was visiting that incorrectly labeled everyone that wasn't her as being somehow rude. (In reality, it was her & her friend who were rude, but my girl was not rude on purpose.) Supposedly her best friend, but makes no effort & constantly turns anything to be as about her as she can. When her friend was in the area we were in a year ago, she saw her be unappreciative about something pretty big she did for her, blow off the ceremony we had, etc... and had realized temporarily what she's like. Now she's intending to fly over for her friend's wedding and everything.

    At the same time, she doesn't have any friends in this area yet. There are only a few people she has much contact with right now, so I understand clinging to what she's got.
    Last edited by Thajocoth; 2012-12-13 at 08:32 PM.
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  12. - Top - End - #222
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by bindin garoth View Post
    Well, this is my first post hear, so if I'm forgetting anything, let me know.

    My wife of 2 years just asked for a divorce today, while I'm across country for work. She's not been happy with our relationship for a while now, and feels that it'd be best to separate. She's not spiteful or angry or anything of the like, she just wants out.

    Best way to handle my emotions?

    Quick details:
    -I'm 22, she's 21
    -We've not fought a lot recently. We did when we first got married...... I'm starting to wonder if we ever did really recover from it. The last few months have had no fighting whatsoever.
    -......... I can't think of anything else at the moment.
    Is anyone going to try and handle this one? I'm only in high school (and never been kissed. Darn gaming stereotypes hold true. ), and wouldn't know how to take it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
    "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering DM; to the last I argue with thee; from hell’s heart I slay catgirls at thee; for Galgenhumor’s sake I spit my last snark at thee. Sink all Sues and all katanas to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still gaming with thee, though ticked at thee, thou damned DM! Thus, I give up the logic!"

  13. - Top - End - #223
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Loss View Post
    Surprise her with a few inexpensive, but thoughtful gifts. Just little things that she likes. Don't tell her about them beforehand, just go get them and wrap them up and give them to her. It's not quite as good as a full on gift, but it shows you care.
    This, do this. Chanukah was a pretty minor holiday with small gifts each day before it was conflated with the consumerism of modern Christmas. Plus regardless of that it shows that you care and are taking an interest in her holiday and trying to make her happy.
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  14. - Top - End - #224
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    She didn't. I don't think my girl actually knows of this plan. Christmas morning, my family wants me to webcam with them & open gifts together, despite being on opposite coasts. My girl lives with me & is likely invited to this as well, but I doubt she wants to be involved. I'll bring it up tonight. I received the largest of these packages today. (They've all been shipped to where I work.) I have no way of knowing what's what or from which member of my family.
    Oh. I misread you then as I had thought that she had been drawn into the gift opening cam show with you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    Mediation of what?
    The bad blood. Though from what you've said hopefully it'll just get sorted out when she inevitably ceases to have anything to do with this other woman after seeing her bridezilla it up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    I cannot make anything without her knowledge unless I do it at work, and in either case it would take away time together. We're pretty much spending as much time glued together as humanly possible right now. She's been away for 7 months.
    Something small on your way home from work then? If you manage to wake up before her or stay up after she goes to bed that might give a window for some kind of surprise?

    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    She took the interpretations given to her by the "friend" she was visiting that incorrectly labeled everyone that wasn't her as being somehow rude. (In reality, it was her & her friend who were rude, but my girl was not rude on purpose.) Supposedly her best friend, but makes no effort & constantly turns anything to be as about her as she can. When her friend was in the area we were in a year ago, she saw her be unappreciative about something pretty big she did for her, blow off the ceremony we had, etc... and had realized temporarily what she's like. Now she's intending to fly over for her friend's wedding and everything.

    At the same time, she doesn't have any friends in this area yet. There are only a few people she has much contact with right now, so I understand clinging to what she's got.
    Wuff. Good luck with that, woman sounds like a relationship killer if ever there was one. I can't imagine how that type would manage to get hitched.

    Quote Originally Posted by bindin garoth View Post
    Well, this is my first post hear, so if I'm forgetting anything, let me know.

    My wife of 2 years just asked for a divorce today, while I'm across country for work. She's not been happy with our relationship for a while now, and feels that it'd be best to separate. She's not spiteful or angry or anything of the like, she just wants out.

    Best way to handle my emotions?

    Quick details:
    -I'm 22, she's 21
    -We've not fought a lot recently. We did when we first got married...... I'm starting to wonder if we ever did really recover from it. The last few months have had no fighting whatsoever.
    -......... I can't think of anything else at the moment.
    Quote Originally Posted by Arranis Thelmos View Post
    Is anyone going to try and handle this one? I'm only in high school (and never been kissed. Darn gaming stereotypes hold true. ), and wouldn't know how to take it.
    I've been trying to think of something useful and not vapid-seeming to say.

    Unfortunately I'm 24 and I'm not really sure what I would have to contribute that's useful or helpful. :/

    I think even when it's a mutual, amicable separation and not a last ditch effort to salvage things that some level of counseling and mediation is recommended before actively starting the divorce process, but it isn't really an area that I've thought much about or paid much attention to.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2012-12-13 at 08:47 PM.
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  15. - Top - End - #225
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    This, do this. Chanukah was a pretty minor holiday with small gifts each day before it was conflated with the consumerism of modern Christmas. Plus regardless of that it shows that you care and are taking an interest in her holiday and trying to make her happy.
    That makes sense. We happened to look through a few stores last night & there wasn't anything she seemed to want, but as is usual for her she did pick up & look at everything in these stores that was purple or had Hello Kitty's face on it. She took enjoyment from just looking at all these things, but didn't seem to want to keep any. I know she likes art supplies. Most of the small gifts & prizes I've gotten for her to win have been a combination of purple, Hello Kitty, craft supplies & plush, each item being something she likes.

    There is one exception to not finding anything she wants: There's a set of purple Hello Kitty earbuds at Target that look jeweled. $9, which isn't much. She quickly rationalized it away because she already has Hello Kitty earbuds I bought her in June. Those don't sit as well in her ears as these would though, and are pink rather than purple. They also don't have the jeweling or volume control that the ones at Target have. I guess they're different enough... But it still feels a little repetitive.

    I've been looking for small prizes to get her for other reasons and that's been the only possibility so far, as well as I could tell. (The prizes help motivate her. This increases willpower.)

    After this is done, I need to figure out what to do for the anniversary of that ceremony I mentioned (Dec 22nd) & her birthday (Jan 23rd). I also didn't really do anything for her graduation (Dec 7th). There's just so much at once & it's overwhelming.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Wuff. Good luck with that, woman sounds like a relationship killer if ever there was one. I can't imagine how that type would manage to get hitched.
    Her fiance is a criminal. I have more respect for her than for him. My girl does not approve of him. That should pretty much explain how she managed to find a permanent partner.
    Last edited by Thajocoth; 2012-12-13 at 09:12 PM.
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  16. - Top - End - #226
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arranis Thelmos View Post
    Is anyone going to try and handle this one? I'm only in high school (and never been kissed. Darn gaming stereotypes hold true. ), and wouldn't know how to take it.
    In college and never been kissed. Don't worry about it. It seems like a big deal to a lot of people until it happens, apparently. If you plan to go to college, odds are you can get someone to kiss you(yes, ironic coming from me, but it's true). One of my friends got his first kiss in college at a party by literally walking up to a girl, introducing himself, letting her introduce herself, then asking if she wanted to make out. And it worked, and she was apparently not drunk to boot. Not saying you should, but the point is that it's not a big deal. Just chillax, and if you happen to come across a girl you want to kiss and don't think they'd mind, just kiss her. Simple as that, or so my friends reassure me.

    Tl;dr: Chill out, nothing to worry about.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Chocolate beats kissing anyway, plus it's less addictive than romantic love. Science says eat chocolate.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Pyromancer999 View Post
    In college and never been kissed. Don't worry about it. It seems like a big deal to a lot of people until it happens, apparently. If you plan to go to college, odds are you can get someone to kiss you(yes, ironic coming from me, but it's true). One of my friends got his first kiss in college at a party by literally walking up to a girl, introducing himself, letting her introduce herself, then asking if she wanted to make out. And it worked, and she was apparently not drunk to boot. Not saying you should, but the point is that it's not a big deal. Just chillax, and if you happen to come across a girl you want to kiss and don't think they'd mind, just kiss her. Simple as that, or so my friends reassure me.

    Tl;dr: Chill out, nothing to worry about.
    That's good to know, and thanks for that. I still got hope then. However, I meant bindin garoth's post. His problem is quite a bit more serious than my lack of a love life.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkin View Post
    "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering DM; to the last I argue with thee; from hell’s heart I slay catgirls at thee; for Galgenhumor’s sake I spit my last snark at thee. Sink all Sues and all katanas to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still gaming with thee, though ticked at thee, thou damned DM! Thus, I give up the logic!"

  19. - Top - End - #229
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    Quote Originally Posted by Arranis Thelmos View Post
    That's good to know, and thanks for that. I still got hope then. However, I meant bindin garoth's post. His problem is quite a bit more serious than my lack of a love life.
    Actually, college is where I got my first kiss too.........

    We gamers are a lot alike, aren't we?

    But yes, if anyone has insights to the above post, I'd greatly appreciate it.
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    ...I think my poor Monkadin just went to go get drunk. That's not a natural thing for him to do, at all. Thanks bindin.

  20. - Top - End - #230
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    First kiss I was a month past fifteen. I win? I dunno, doesn't feel like much of a success.
    Jude P.

  21. - Top - End - #231
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    First kiss of mine was during college. Still waiting on a first girlfriend, though. I'm 27 and out of college. So, no, don't worry at all about that sort of thing in high school.

    On the divorce thing, I also recommend at least some counseling if it's really out of the blue.
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  22. - Top - End - #232
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    My issue has been resolved. My mom said that 3 of the gifts are for Hannukah. We opened 2 (& haven't received the 3rd yet). Of these two, we intend to return one for the 13 bucks to spend on something else (We already have so many kitchen towels), and the other is a really nice ice cream scoop (her diet allows sugar free ice cream). My girl is happy & there's still plenty to open on Christmas on webcam.

    -----

    "Suddenly divorce" is a jarring situation. It's good that they're still friendly. It will make things easier going forward. It's also good that it's ending now instead of later. Clearly there's a core compatibility issue. That really sucks though & I hope you manage to find someone more compatible with you.

    I don't have experience here. I've only dated 3 girls & my current girl is only the second. I've been with her a year and a half, and we had a commitment ceremony (marriage equivalent) only a year ago. Anniversary is in just over a week.)

    My parents, however... Were together 20 years. My mom talked to me about it as her emotions went through all the stages of breaking up with him. It took years. She tried to fix things so many times & so many ways. When she finally broke up with my dad, her mind had already fully processed it. His did not. It was sudden & jarring. As a more black & white thinker, he assumed she must hate him. She didn't... Until he did things she hated, like talking to her through their kids, which he did in reaction to thinking she hated her. (Self fulfilling prophecy.)

    They were initially quite compatible, but she grew & he did not. She leveled up, became a stronger thinker, even started her own business. He needed to have someone to take care of. He started being more depressed, less able to do his job (eventually not working for long periods of time)... He wasn't getting his needs met because my mom was no longer a weaker person that needed someone stronger to take care of her. He was still great if she got sick, but that never lasted long.

    People can change. They ceased to be compatible. It happens. The moral here is that it's great to be with someone you're compatible with, but if you're not, it's good that it ends sooner. It doesn't matter how much has been invested in the relationship. If compatibility isn't there, you can both try all you want, but it just won't work out long term, or you'll both be miserable.

    It's very sad, but at least it's ending now, not after another decade of unhappiness.

    Does that help?

    -----

    My first kiss was half a year after I graduated college, with a girl I met on AdultFriendFinder. She was my first gf, for about 6 weeks.
    Last edited by Thajocoth; 2012-12-14 at 01:28 AM.
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  23. - Top - End - #233
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arranis Thelmos View Post
    Is anyone going to try and handle this one?
    I was gonna..had written a nice long boring post.. then I re-read it and realised it was 90% rant.
    I don't quite know how to relate or how to give advice to someone who gets married straight out of highschool. I'm afraid I'm too jaded and "rational" to be of any use.
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I was gonna..had written a nice long boring post.. then I re-read it and realised it was 90% rant.
    I don't quite know how to relate or how to give advice to someone who gets married straight out of highschool. I'm afraid I'm too jaded and "rational" to be of any use.
    - is there something wrong with getting married shortly after college? If two people love each other and want to get married what exactly does age have to do with it?

    Sometimes it doesn't work out though, as it hasn't for Bindin. I'm going to trot out my favourite question here for you to think about Bindin:

    "What do you want?"

    Unfortunately, in this case it's not very straightforward. Does your partner mean the world to you and more? Do you want to fight tooth and nail to win her back? Can you win her back?

    Have a think about where you are at the moment. You're across country on work-related stuff. Is this something that happens often? Do you both feel lonely when you're apart? While long distance relationships (LDRs) can work for a while, there will be a time when one of you won't be there when the other needs you and it will be hard. Very hard.

    Have a think about the sort of things you've been arguing about. Are they trivial things or are they things that are a part of who you are? Even if you could change them, would you *want* to change them?

    A large part of what is running through your brain right now is fear. Fear of what life will be like if you do decide to separate. Will you find someone else? What will you do with the extra free time that you used to spend with her? The other thing you'll be afraid of is the hurt that comes from no longer loving someone and have them love you in return. This is the bit that's really going to suck I'm afraid. Little reminders of stuff you had and did together. When I split up from my gf, I chucked 99% of the various things we had and did together - my Magic cards, my Danish lesson books, certain clothes - it all went in a charity box. I kept only two pieces that were truly unique - a small piece of crystal we found on a trip to Norway with her family and a small origami butterfly she made into a fridge magnet. And I find that's enough.

    If you do decide to go your separate ways, you'll be focusing a lot on the break up itself. Force yourself to remember the good times and in particular how you first met. The latter will help you get into the right frame of mind when you're ready to move on.

    Good luck. *hug*

  25. - Top - End - #235
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    - is there something wrong with getting married shortly after college? If two people love each other and want to get married what exactly does age have to do with it?
    no, there isn't.. which is why I decided not to get involved in this particular case (by which I mean of course trying to give advice that ultimately might not be all too objective, thereby denouncing me for the moron I can sometimes be).

    Since apparently I have gotten involved after all, I shall do the grumpy old man thing and spout my 2 cents of nonsense despite most likely not knowing what I'm talking about.

    They've been married for 2 years, meaning she was 19 and he was 20. Assuming they didn't meet up a week prior to that, I take it they must have been together for.. months? a couple of years? since puberty?
    .. it's probably accurate to say that either they got together fairly young and married at the first chance they got, or that they had a whirlwind romance and decided to marry without really knowing each other all that well. (as I write I realise that there's possibly a child involved, although I suppose he'd have mentioned it, if that was the case)..
    We also know that they've been arguing since day one and only had a few months of "no arguing" since then.
    I can't help it but to think that maybe they've rushed things a bit and one or both of them wasn't ready for such a big commitment... but the truth is I don't have enough elements to be sure that that is the case.
    Either way, I don't quite know anything helpful to say to that assessment of the situation, should it prove accurate.
    Was it a mistake? are they going to solve their problems? I don't know. My grandparents got married soon after the war and had a number of squabbles.. my mother tells me that for years my granny had her bags packed and ready to go back to her family.. but they stuck it out and have been married for the last 63 years, happily.
    My mother has had 2 important men in her life and 2 children by each, without ever tying the knot with either of the men. She's single and not happy.
    I myself am 34 and getting a bit tired of being single after having moved on from one shortlived impossible relationship to the next.
    My dad on the other hand remarried with a woman 20 years younger, has had 2 more kids and seems to be quite happy, all considered.
    So things really can go either way
    As I said, I am probably jaded, entirely too "rational" in my approach, and possibly a bit jealous..
    not the right person to be giving advice.

    but no..there's nothing wrong "per sé"with marrying as soon as you feel like it, whatever age you're at.
    Last edited by dehro; 2012-12-14 at 07:38 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by bindin garoth View Post
    Well, this is my first post hear, so if I'm forgetting anything, let me know.

    My wife of 2 years just asked for a divorce today, while I'm across country for work. She's not been happy with our relationship for a while now, and feels that it'd be best to separate. She's not spiteful or angry or anything of the like, she just wants out.

    Best way to handle my emotions?

    Quick details:
    -I'm 22, she's 21
    -We've not fought a lot recently. We did when we first got married...... I'm starting to wonder if we ever did really recover from it. The last few months have had no fighting whatsoever.
    -......... I can't think of anything else at the moment.
    I feel nervous about giving advice but I'll give it a try. You specifically asked about ways to handle your emotions so I'll stick to that. First I would say give yourself permission to be sad and angry and whatever else you're feeling. Too often people beat themselves up because they can't immediately feel better after something sad happens. It's okay and very human to feel bad so please don't beat yourself up if you can't feel cool with this right away.
    Next I would say talk to some close friends about this especially a best friend, someone who will just listen to you rant or whatever you need. Also maybe you could see a therapist just to help you process your feelings. It might help you to go out with friends for a distraction as well.
    You could try writing in a journal just to get all your feelings out of your head.

    Last bit of advice doesn't have anything to do with feelings and is more practical but you should probably contact a lawyer who can help you with all the legal issues surrounding a divorce. I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. Internet hugs if you want them.
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  27. - Top - End - #237
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    First off: Thanks for all of the inputs, everyone! It helps

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thajocoth View Post
    My issue has been resolved. My mom said that 3 of the gifts are for Hannukah. We opened 2 (& haven't received the 3rd yet). Of these two, we intend to return one for the 13 bucks to spend on something else (We already have so many kitchen towels), and the other is a really nice ice cream scoop (her diet allows sugar free ice cream). My girl is happy & there's still plenty to open on Christmas on webcam.
    Glad to see it worked out!

    "Suddenly divorce" is a jarring situation. It's good that they're still friendly. It will make things easier going forward. It's also good that it's ending now instead of later. Clearly there's a core compatibility issue. That really sucks though & I hope you manage to find someone more compatible with you.

    I don't have experience here. I've only dated 3 girls & my current girl is only the second. I've been with her a year and a half, and we had a commitment ceremony (marriage equivalent) only a year ago. Anniversary is in just over a week.)

    My parents, however... Were together 20 years. My mom talked to me about it as her emotions went through all the stages of breaking up with him. It took years. She tried to fix things so many times & so many ways. When she finally broke up with my dad, her mind had already fully processed it. His did not. It was sudden & jarring. As a more black & white thinker, he assumed she must hate him. She didn't... Until he did things she hated, like talking to her through their kids, which he did in reaction to thinking she hated her. (Self fulfilling prophecy.)

    They were initially quite compatible, but she grew & he did not. She leveled up, became a stronger thinker, even started her own business. He needed to have someone to take care of. He started being more depressed, less able to do his job (eventually not working for long periods of time)... He wasn't getting his needs met because my mom was no longer a weaker person that needed someone stronger to take care of her. He was still great if she got sick, but that never lasted long.

    People can change. They ceased to be compatible. It happens. The moral here is that it's great to be with someone you're compatible with, but if you're not, it's good that it ends sooner. It doesn't matter how much has been invested in the relationship. If compatibility isn't there, you can both try all you want, but it just won't work out long term, or you'll both be miserable.

    It's very sad, but at least it's ending now, not after another decade of unhappiness.

    Does that help?
    Sorry to hear about your parents divorced (coming from someone who's parents divorced too).

    It's definitely possible that's we've become incompatible. And if that's what truly has happened here, your right. It's sad, but better now than later.

    And yes, it does help!


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    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    - is there something wrong with getting married shortly after college? If two people love each other and want to get married what exactly does age have to do with it?

    Sometimes it doesn't work out though, as it hasn't for Bindin. I'm going to trot out my favourite question here for you to think about Bindin:

    "What do you want?"

    Unfortunately, in this case it's not very straightforward. Does your partner mean the world to you and more? Do you want to fight tooth and nail to win her back? Can you win her back?

    Have a think about where you are at the moment. You're across country on work-related stuff. Is this something that happens often? Do you both feel lonely when you're apart? While long distance relationships (LDRs) can work for a while, there will be a time when one of you won't be there when the other needs you and it will be hard. Very hard.

    Have a think about the sort of things you've been arguing about. Are they trivial things or are they things that are a part of who you are? Even if you could change them, would you *want* to change them?

    A large part of what is running through your brain right now is fear. Fear of what life will be like if you do decide to separate. Will you find someone else? What will you do with the extra free time that you used to spend with her? The other thing you'll be afraid of is the hurt that comes from no longer loving someone and have them love you in return. This is the bit that's really going to suck I'm afraid. Little reminders of stuff you had and did together. When I split up from my gf, I chucked 99% of the various things we had and did together - my Magic cards, my Danish lesson books, certain clothes - it all went in a charity box. I kept only two pieces that were truly unique - a small piece of crystal we found on a trip to Norway with her family and a small origami butterfly she made into a fridge magnet. And I find that's enough.

    If you do decide to go your separate ways, you'll be focusing a lot on the break up itself. Force yourself to remember the good times and in particular how you first met. The latter will help you get into the right frame of mind when you're ready to move on.

    Good luck. *hug*
    Thanks! That the question I'm taking the time to find the answer to right now.

    The travelling started in September, where I was gone for three weeks. As of currently, I've been gone for almost a month (second time out).

    As for tossing stuff out, I'll do what I can, but I'm not tossing the cats! I love em too much (currently have 5)

    I'll most likely be keeping the cats, since she'll be living with her sister, where she couldn't keep them (her sister already has 2 older cats, it wouldn't be good to introduce them to new cats).


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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    no, there isn't.. which is why I decided not to get involved in this particular case (by which I mean of course trying to give advice that ultimately might not be all too objective, thereby denouncing me for the moron I can sometimes be).

    Since apparently I have gotten involved after all, I shall do the grumpy old man thing and spout my 2 cents of nonsense despite most likely not knowing what I'm talking about.

    They've been married for 2 years, meaning she was 19 and he was 20. Assuming they didn't meet up a week prior to that, I take it they must have been together for.. months? a couple of years? since puberty?
    .. it's probably accurate to say that either they got together fairly young and married at the first chance they got, or that they had a whirlwind romance and decided to marry without really knowing each other all that well. (as I write I realise that there's possibly a child involved, although I suppose he'd have mentioned it, if that was the case)..
    We also know that they've been arguing since day one and only had a few months of "no arguing" since then.
    I can't help it but to think that maybe they've rushed things a bit and one or both of them wasn't ready for such a big commitment... but the truth is I don't have enough elements to be sure that that is the case.
    Either way, I don't quite know anything helpful to say to that assessment of the situation, should it prove accurate.
    Was it a mistake? are they going to solve their problems? I don't know. My grandparents got married soon after the war and had a number of squabbles.. my mother tells me that for years my granny had her bags packed and ready to go back to her family.. but they stuck it out and have been married for the last 63 years, happily.
    My mother has had 2 important men in her life and 2 children by each, without ever tying the knot with either of the men. She's single and not happy.
    I myself am 34 and getting a bit tired of being single after having moved on from one shortlived impossible relationship to the next.
    My dad on the other hand remarried with a woman 20 years younger, has had 2 more kids and seems to be quite happy, all considered.
    So things really can go either way
    As I said, I am probably jaded, entirely too "rational" in my approach, and possibly a bit jealous..
    not the right person to be giving advice.

    but no..there's nothing wrong "per sé"with marrying as soon as you feel like it, whatever age you're at.
    I should of clarified a little bit. The biggest arguing was at the first......... 6-8 months of the marriage? Around that. Afterwards, the arguing lessened, but as I said, I think there may of been some rifts caused by that which we never recovered from.

    Perhaps we did get married too fast......... See below.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Aiani View Post
    I feel nervous about giving advice but I'll give it a try. You specifically asked about ways to handle your emotions so I'll stick to that. First I would say give yourself permission to be sad and angry and whatever else you're feeling. Too often people beat themselves up because they can't immediately feel better after something sad happens. It's okay and very human to feel bad so please don't beat yourself up if you can't feel cool with this right away.
    Next I would say talk to some close friends about this especially a best friend, someone who will just listen to you rant or whatever you need. Also maybe you could see a therapist just to help you process your feelings. It might help you to go out with friends for a distraction as well.
    You could try writing in a journal just to get all your feelings out of your head.

    Last bit of advice doesn't have anything to do with feelings and is more practical but you should probably contact a lawyer who can help you with all the legal issues surrounding a divorce. I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. Internet hugs if you want them.
    That's something I definitely need to work on. I have a bad habit of withdrawing rather than expressing my feelings (I've gotten better over the years but the habits still there).

    We actually did see a therapist at one point. It didn't help much.


    To All
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    -Again, thank you for the help!
    -Specifics on when we got first married: We got married when I was 20 and she was 19. We got married right before moving a good 3 hours away (to Baltimore). We had move up here for a great job (which ironically laid me off this January). It is possible that some of the arguments was frustration/anger about the move and making adjustments, but not all of them.
    -Over the last few months: As said above, laid off in January. Had to make big budget cutbacks, due to previous making a huge amount of OT at my previous job.
    -She was going to school, but ultimately had to quit due to us not having enough money.
    -This is actually 2 weeks after starting a new job.
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  28. - Top - End - #238
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

    *sigh*

    That is all. Missed you RWA.

    Not.

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    Not sure if this is teh right place, but what the heck, you guys seem nice enough...

    so I am in a condrum, In my Collage/Lifestyle, Their is this amazing girl, Who I really, Really like, And have made that Well known, about three month's ago.
    Fast forward a few weeks:
    A Camping trip, On which I learned that one of my best friends likes her the same, And has done the same as me, And has shown it.
    Now, We get back, Life goes back to normal, I find out that a nother one of my friends likes her...Which is becoming slightly annoying.
    Now, I was talking to her 'Best Girlfriend' And, Well...Bad news, She has this biiig crush on one of my friends, Who is the Brother of the one who likes her...
    He just got out of a Relationship , And is not intrested in her (Methinks that he is slightly scared, After all, me and Friend 1 Got into a fist fight)
    And..Well, that shocked me really, Really badly.

    So I am seeing her tomorrow, and the question is such:
    Should i ask her if She *likes* me whatsoever, Or am I just wasteing my time, and if I do that, HOW
    Or should I just say something along the lines of "I no longer have any romantic Feelings towords you, Sorry for bothering you" ?

    please, Oh please help.

    Other info:
    She does like me, Because I was over at her house once, And Her cousin was as well, And she (Cousin) Gave me a note, Saying "She likes you"
    Needless to say, I was reading it, And She did her best to get it away from me..So...I assume that means what I think it means, but....Whatever, I am male, And have no clue on girls, Whatsoever.
    Last edited by ShadowFireLance; 2012-12-16 at 10:19 PM.
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  30. - Top - End - #240
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShadowFireLance View Post
    Not sure if this is teh right place, but what the heck, you guys seem nice enough...

    so I am in a condrum, In my Collage/Lifestyle, Their is this amazing girl, Who I really, Really like, And have made that Well known, about three month's ago.
    Fast forward a few weeks:
    A Camping trip, On which I learned that one of my best friends likes her the same, And has done the same as me, And has shown it.
    Now, We get back, Life goes back to normal, I find out that a nother one of my friends likes her...Which is becoming slightly annoying.
    Now, I was talking to her 'Best Girlfriend' And, Well...Bad news, She has this biiig crush on one of my friends, Who is the Brother of the one who likes her...
    He just got out of a Relationship , And is not intrested in her (Methinks that he is slightly scared, After all, me and Friend 1 Got into a fist fight)
    And..Well, that shocked me really, Really badly.

    So I am seeing her tomorrow, and the question is such:
    Should i ask her if She *likes* me whatsoever, Or am I just wasteing my time, and if I do that, HOW
    Or should I just say something along the lines of "I no longer have any romantic Feelings towords you, Sorry for bothering you" ?

    please, Oh please help.

    Other info:
    She does like me, Because I was over at her house once, And Her cousin was as well, And she (Cousin) Gave me a note, Saying "She likes you"
    Needless to say, I was reading it, And She did her best to get it away from me..So...I assume that means what I think it means, but....Whatever, I am male, And have no clue on girls, Whatsoever.
    Hmmmm.... a complicated situation indeed. I don't think that fighting over a girl physically is really appropriate, but it seems you do feel strongly for this girl, despite the rest of this confusing situation. I think as soon as you can do so in person, you should tell her how you feel about her. As in, just say it to her. Try to do it when you two are alone together, though, as otherwise you're sort of just putting her on the spot. Worst case, she rejects you and you get a chance to move on. Best case, she likes you, and you two start going out.

    As for the cousin thing, the cousin may have just been playing with you. Even if she wasn't and she did like you, no guarantee she still does. Don't trust anything about whether or not a girl likes you unless it comes from the girl herself.

    In any case, it seems to me the best course of action would be to tell the girl how you feel about her, and if you choose to go and do just that, I wish you the best of luck doing so.


    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
    *sigh*

    That is all. Missed you RWA.

    Not.

    Did something bad happen? Need help?
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