LGBTAitP #28: Come Taste the Rainbow!

[Mono Vertigo]

(Hugs for... pretty much everyone)

And go look up today's SMBC!

It was funny enough the way it started, but for some reason, I did not expect the quite expectable punchline, and now I'm laughing a lot more than I should.
Thanks.

[Castaras]

I wish there was a gay zeppelin.

[Absol197]

@ Astrella - great to hear you went and that it was a good night for you.


Depressed rambling:

Spoiler

Show

So the frequent discussions about trans-pregnancy have got me thinking... 'cause I have zero interest in becoming pregnant, and a low interest in (more) children as is anyway.
But it bothers me, perhaps due to social conditioning, that I don't. I know logically that there are many ciswomen who voluntarily remain childless, yet I feel a total lack of maternal instinct or desire. It makes me wonder about my own self and my identity as female.

I've found myself questioning "am I really Trans" at the moment, and wondering things like if my obsession with clothes means I'm just a particularly effeminate transvestite (I blame Phoenix's parents for that one >_> ), or if I'm making a mistake or what have you.

I think this is partly due to the breakup, since I know that transness is what split us up so I'm perhaps second guessing myself over it.
I've also recently been given the go-ahead to see an endo about HRT - which is good - but I'm putting it off until next year once electrolysis is done and my hair's longer. This has also got me thinking about having kids. My GF and I were planning to have kids before this, it's something she wanted so badly. When we were still together I was 100% going to bank some genetic material so we could have kids that were ours, no problem.

Now we're not I don't know if that's something I want to do. Part of me hopes that we'll somehow get back together, that love will conquer all and so on, which means I'll need to bank still. But the other part of me knows we won't, but I can't not bank, as doing so and going on HRT would feel like I'm betraying my GF.
I just feel so much guilt for letting her down, for all the hopes and dreams we had that are now gone. What's worse is that for me our future was always a bit murky, and then when I came out it all became clear and I was so certain like she was... but I took us away from her.

I miss her so much.

on a more positive note I had a chat with a very lovely transwoman the other day about transitioning and other things, which made me feel great for a while. She said I seemed to be doing things far better than most people, and was lucky living in the 'burbs as it means I won't be in a fantasy bubble like she was living in The Cross.

Oh Zorg, I'm so sorry my parent's denial has rubbed off on you!

I don't really know what to tell you; you're the only one who can decide who and what you are, but I want to tell you something: back when I first started questioning myself (all those three months ago <_< >_> ), I was reading through a LGBTAitP thread for the first time, and I read the posts you were making when you were just feeling things out for yourself. And do you know what I saw?

I saw someone who knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she had found who she was truly meant to be, and couldn't be happier about it. I remember reading those first posts of yours and saying to myself, "Wow, I wish I could be that sure of myself."

You're in a dark place right now, and it's hard. Believe me honey, I know it's hard; losing a love like that is never easy, and I can only guess that losign one in a situation like yours is a hundred-fold more difficult. The only thing I ask is that you not let that darkness tear apart the beautiful person that emerged in the light. I think you're on the right path - grieve now; everyone needs to grieve for what they lose. But save the other big decisions until afterward. If you make the wrong choice while overwhelmed with sadness and guilt, it will make things all the worse afterwards.

P.S. I'm sorry if I'm a bit too poetic or pushy in my writing. I'm trying to express the emotions I feeling, and it's not exactly that easy...

I wish there was a gay zeppelin.

I'm very confused. Where did that come from?


~Phoenix~

[Lentrax]

I wish there was a gay zeppelin.

You mean, like all done up in rainbow colors?

[Castaras]

I'm very confused. Where did that come from?

The SMBC that was spoken about slightly earlier in the thread.

[Mina Kobold]

@ Astrella - great to hear you went and that it was a good night for you.


Depressed rambling:

Spoiler

Show

So the frequent discussions about trans-pregnancy have got me thinking... 'cause I have zero interest in becoming pregnant, and a low interest in (more) children as is anyway.
But it bothers me, perhaps due to social conditioning, that I don't. I know logically that there are many ciswomen who voluntarily remain childless, yet I feel a total lack of maternal instinct or desire. It makes me wonder about my own self and my identity as female.

I've found myself questioning "am I really Trans" at the moment, and wondering things like if my obsession with clothes means I'm just a particularly effeminate transvestite (I blame Phoenix's parents for that one >_> ), or if I'm making a mistake or what have you.

I think this is partly due to the breakup, since I know that transness is what split us up so I'm perhaps second guessing myself over it.
I've also recently been given the go-ahead to see an endo about HRT - which is good - but I'm putting it off until next year once electrolysis is done and my hair's longer. This has also got me thinking about having kids. My GF and I were planning to have kids before this, it's something she wanted so badly. When we were still together I was 100% going to bank some genetic material so we could have kids that were ours, no problem.

Now we're not I don't know if that's something I want to do. Part of me hopes that we'll somehow get back together, that love will conquer all and so on, which means I'll need to bank still. But the other part of me knows we won't, but I can't not bank, as doing so and going on HRT would feel like I'm betraying my GF.
I just feel so much guilt for letting her down, for all the hopes and dreams we had that are now gone. What's worse is that for me our future was always a bit murky, and then when I came out it all became clear and I was so certain like she was... but I took us away from her.

I miss her so much.

on a more positive note I had a chat with a very lovely transwoman the other day about transitioning and other things, which made me feel great for a while. She said I seemed to be doing things far better than most people, and was lucky living in the 'burbs as it means I won't be in a fantasy bubble like she was living in The Cross.

*Hugs*

I know I am barely sure about my own identity (Not-cis is prettyy much it at this point. ^_^'), but I agree with everything that has been said so far. Though lost love is a miserable place to be, you are who you are. You could not change your identity any more than you could change the colour of the sky, so it certainly seems you have no reason to doubt.
Your focus on clothing merely indicate that you are using coping mechanism to get as close to your true self as possible, as well as doing the only thing you can to have others accept you as you. Psychologically, that is exactly what you would do, but not likely to be what one identified as transvestite would do. Hold on hope for a better future, but do not forget who you are.

(Hugs for... pretty much everyone)

And go look up today's SMBC!

*Looks*

That was quite amusing. ^_^

I wish there was a gay zeppelin.

Ooh! Ooh! Can we get an Ace hot air balloon too? :3

I'm very confused. Where did that come from?


~Phoenix~

Aforementioned SMBC comic.

[Arachu]

*So many hugs for Zorg, Lentrax and everyone else*

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

So, I chickened out Tuesday about getting clothes. I wanted to go Wednesday then, but I got back really late from my therapist appointment. When I got back I waddled forward and back a bunch about going to the trans youth group Halloween thingie and decided to go in the end which meant I didn't have time for shopping. I'm really glad I went to cause I had a good time.

It was pretty relaxed with mostly talking and silly games but people were really fun and it was neat being around people going through the same thing and being Lena offline and not having to fret about it and feel self-conscious.

Several people also complimented me on my top. (the only one I have. I posted a picture of it a few threads back.)

So in the end I'm glad I just went and didn't fuss about it. n.n

n.n


~Bianca

[Ravens_cry]

Again, thanks everyone for the support, but I am pretty sure I am not a transsexual. Not full time anyway, which further complicates things.
It's not like you can chop stuff off and put it back on.

[Irish Musician]

@Zorg - I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I don't know what to say but stay true to yourself and a few other cliche'd phrases come to mind, none of which would most likely help right now.

So what I will end this with is a big 'ol *HUG* and to say don't give up on yourself, your true self. Hope things her much better real soon.

~Matthew~

[Astrella]

@ Astrella - great to hear you went and that it was a good night for you.

Depressed rambling:

Spoiler

Show

So the frequent discussions about trans-pregnancy have got me thinking... 'cause I have zero interest in becoming pregnant, and a low interest in (more) children as is anyway.
But it bothers me, perhaps due to social conditioning, that I don't. I know logically that there are many ciswomen who voluntarily remain childless, yet I feel a total lack of maternal instinct or desire. It makes me wonder about my own self and my identity as female.

I've found myself questioning "am I really Trans" at the moment, and wondering things like if my obsession with clothes means I'm just a particularly effeminate transvestite (I blame Phoenix's parents for that one >_> ), or if I'm making a mistake or what have you.

I think this is partly due to the breakup, since I know that transness is what split us up so I'm perhaps second guessing myself over it.
I've also recently been given the go-ahead to see an endo about HRT - which is good - but I'm putting it off until next year once electrolysis is done and my hair's longer. This has also got me thinking about having kids. My GF and I were planning to have kids before this, it's something she wanted so badly. When we were still together I was 100% going to bank some genetic material so we could have kids that were ours, no problem.

Now we're not I don't know if that's something I want to do. Part of me hopes that we'll somehow get back together, that love will conquer all and so on, which means I'll need to bank still. But the other part of me knows we won't, but I can't not bank, as doing so and going on HRT would feel like I'm betraying my GF.
I just feel so much guilt for letting her down, for all the hopes and dreams we had that are now gone. What's worse is that for me our future was always a bit murky, and then when I came out it all became clear and I was so certain like she was... but I took us away from her.

I miss her so much.

on a more positive note I had a chat with a very lovely transwoman the other day about transitioning and other things, which made me feel great for a while. She said I seemed to be doing things far better than most people, and was lucky living in the 'burbs as it means I won't be in a fantasy bubble like she was living in The Cross.

*hugs*

I think Keveak has a point; you being focused on clothes could probably just be cause clothes are one of the things expression wise that are the easiest to switch around, so it's one of the 'easiest' changes to make?

You're also not betraying your girlfriend. Trying to be comfortable with yourself is not a betrayal; your comfort is your own. And about the pregnancy thing; every woman, every person is different. Whether or not you want to get pregnant has nothing to do with how valid your identity is. Like, for me being able to get pregnant would be really neat but I don't really attach that much importance to my kids being biologically mine.

I'm not really sure what to say aside from giving yourself enough time to process all this and taking care of yourself. I don't think anyone (trans or not trans) doesn't have huge doubts about their identity sometime (I still have doubts sometime but then I try to remember how good and comfortable it all feels you know?) and I really hope you can get through it. And don't forget that all of us here care a ton about you and wish for the very best and don't hesitate to vent / talk / whatever here.

*hugs tightly*

Edit: Am happy you had a pleasant conversation though.

[Lentrax]

*hugs for everyone*

Thanks for the hugs, everone. But please. We have folks here who need more attention than I. My pain is naught but a dull ache in the back of my heart now.

[Zorg]

Thanks all, I wish I could give back even half of the support you all give to me.

Transitioning is what I want, but I wish I didn't want it (need it) as what it's cost me feels like it's outweighing all the positives. I mean I've lived this long unhappy with myself why not a bit longer if I can spend it with my GF..? That sort of thinking is in my head and I can't get it out.

I know it doesn't work like that and there's no going back, but as you can all probably agree it isn't an entirely logical process. For perverse irony everything I've lost is what gave me the strength to face up to myself.

The betrayal and guilt is that I made these promises of a life together which was everything she wanted, and then I took it away. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for hurting her so much.

It's a bit of a downward spiral at the moment - I'm upset, and normally my GF would comfort me, but obviously can't now so that makes me more upset etc etc... hugs would be good as all I want to do is curl up in someone's arms and cry and cry and cry.

I was going to hold off on HRT until after electolysis was done anyway, so nothing will be happening on that front for a few months (and I'm aware I'm not in a good space to be messing with my brain at the moment regardless). Will also try and see a psychotrickarist around the same time for more support.


And the clothes obsession might just be because I'm incredibly vain...

[Lentrax]

*Hugs Zorg for all I'm worth*

Words on a page can never be as comforting as the feel of a pair of arms wrapped around you. But for all they are worth, they are yours.

I do not have the words right now to express how deeply you have moved me, Zorg. I read about your life here, and I want to cry with you. I hope you find the strength and courage to pick yourself back up.

I know you will. It will just take time. But until then I give my electronic hugs.

[Talya]

As much as I can empathize, given my strong maternal instincts, am I a bad person for having this stuck in my head?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c

*lots of hugs to Zorg*

[Lix Lorn]

*hugs for everyone*

Thanks for the hugs, everone. But please. We have folks here who need more attention than I. My pain is naught but a dull ache in the back of my heart now.

(Baps gently on the head)
We don't have only 90 millicuddles of comfort a day. We have enough for everyone. If something is hurting you, it is hurting you. If it hurts, then it is worth dealing with, and it is a problem.

Incidentally, this is why I dislike 'first world problems'.

[Arachu]

Again, thanks everyone for the support, but I am pretty sure I am not a transsexual. Not full time anyway, which further complicates things.
It's not like you can chop stuff off and put it back on.

It's not exactly "chopped off" for the most part - yeah, though, I'm totally female and kinda wish it were detachable or something. >.>

*hugs for everyone*

Thanks for the hugs, everone. But please. We have folks here who need more attention than I. My pain is naught but a dull ache in the back of my heart now.

Now now, you're no more unimportant than anyone else. *More hugs~*

*Also, completely agrees with Lixie*

And the clothes obsession might just be because I'm incredibly vain...

Maybe. I know it's why I am.

*Even more hugs* I hope everything turns out okay~


~Bianca

[Absol197]

Thanks all, I wish I could give back even half of the support you all give to me.

Transitioning is what I want, but I wish I didn't want it (need it) as what it's cost me feels like it's outweighing all the positives. I mean I've lived this long unhappy with myself why not a bit longer if I can spend it with my GF..? That sort of thinking is in my head and I can't get it out.

I know it doesn't work like that and there's no going back, but as you can all probably agree it isn't an entirely logical process. For perverse irony everything I've lost is what gave me the strength to face up to myself.

The betrayal and guilt is that I made these promises of a life together which was everything she wanted, and then I took it away. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for hurting her so much.

It's a bit of a downward spiral at the moment - I'm upset, and normally my GF would comfort me, but obviously can't now so that makes me more upset etc etc... hugs would be good as all I want to do is curl up in someone's arms and cry and cry and cry.

I was going to hold off on HRT until after electolysis was done anyway, so nothing will be happening on that front for a few months (and I'm aware I'm not in a good space to be messing with my brain at the moment regardless). Will also try and see a psychotrickarist around the same time for more support.

And the clothes obsession might just be because I'm incredibly vain...

I hate how incredibly worthless this is, but all I can do is *HUGS*.

Why do you have to be so far away? My arms can't reach to Australia ...

Let us know if you ever need anything. I'm sure most everybody here would be willing to talk if you need it.

And this is why, when a couple of days ago my parents suggested I try to find someone to date to explore "adult relationships," I got angry when they didn't understand why I didn't want to because of how "complicated" it could be.


~Phoenix~

[Lentrax]

Gawsh, people, I never said my hurts were unimportant, just that some folks here need the hugs more than I do right now.

Besides, my pain is a constant reminder to me that I am still alive. That I have to keep going.

For her.

But thank you all for your hugs.

*hugs back*

[Ravens_cry]

It's not exactly "chopped off" for the most part - yeah, though, I'm totally female and kinda wish it were detachable or something. >.>

Yeah, I know. From my research, it is more inverted, basically.

[Absol197]

It's not exactly "chopped off" for the most part - yeah, though, I'm totally female and kinda wish it were detachable or something. >.>

~Bianca

I've had dreams about that. Quite often, actually, although not recently.
And then I put it back on and realize that another one grew back in the meantime, and now I'm freaking out because I've got two >_< .
~Phoenix~

[Zorg]

It's not exactly "chopped off" for the most part - yeah, though, I'm totally female and kinda wish it were detachable or something. >.>

I've had dreams about that. Quite often, actually, although not recently.

Detachable penis?

And this is why, when a couple of days ago my parents suggested I try to find someone to date to explore "adult relationships," I got angry when they didn't understand why I didn't want to because of how "complicated" it could be.

Feel free to reference my life if it ever helps.


@ Lentrax - I will persevere and keep going. *Gloria Gaynor joke here*

[appending_doom]

Man, sometimes I get so depressed that the world can't allow people to be who they need to be (whether that involves hormones, surgeries, or feeling or acting the way that's right for them). Obviously, some of it's science we don't have yet, but so much is the world just refusing to allow it.

So hugs to those who want them, kitten pictures to those who need them, and zeppelins for everybody.

[Selpharia]

Thanks all, I wish I could give back even half of the support you all give to me.

Transitioning is what I want, but I wish I didn't want it (need it) as what it's cost me feels like it's outweighing all the positives. I mean I've lived this long unhappy with myself why not a bit longer if I can spend it with my GF..? That sort of thinking is in my head and I can't get it out.

I know it doesn't work like that and there's no going back, but as you can all probably agree it isn't an entirely logical process. For perverse irony everything I've lost is what gave me the strength to face up to myself.

The betrayal and guilt is that I made these promises of a life together which was everything she wanted, and then I took it away. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for hurting her so much.

It's a bit of a downward spiral at the moment - I'm upset, and normally my GF would comfort me, but obviously can't now so that makes me more upset etc etc... hugs would be good as all I want to do is curl up in someone's arms and cry and cry and cry.

I was going to hold off on HRT until after electolysis was done anyway, so nothing will be happening on that front for a few months (and I'm aware I'm not in a good space to be messing with my brain at the moment regardless). Will also try and see a psychotrickarist around the same time for more support.


And the clothes obsession might just be because I'm incredibly vain...

Incredible vanity? Why that's my stock in trade!

I can't really offer anything but *hugs* and a hope that things get better, and saying that I totally understand all the painful things being the things that move you forward. When I have doubts, I think back to the times where I felt like without doing this nothing would have any meaning anymore, and resolve to go on with the whole process despite the doubt.

@Phoenix- Yeah, i can't say that I've never had that doubt about "serious adult relationships" before, and wondered if the horrible awkwardness that accompanies the thought of being the male in one of those is being trans, or just inexperience. Would it probably be physically pleasant? Yes, but the dissembling and falsehood would be too much, even for me.

*Hugs* for all

~Laura

[Socratov]

Vanity? join the club sister. (though it's kind of hard to be able of being accused of vanity while having no fashionsense whatsoever)

and hugs for those in want (there is enough hug for the thread in stock, just make sure you apporach me in an orderly fashion)

[Socratov]

Vanity? join the club sister. (though it's kind of hard to be able of being accused of vanity while having no fashionsense whatsoever)

and hugs for those in want (there is enough hug for the thread in stock, just make sure you apporach me in an orderly fashion)

[gunnar11]

Spoiler

Show

Coidzor (and myself I guess?) seem to get that a lot. Statements which are meant purely on a logical level get taken to ave emotional meaning, usually judgement. I was letting you know because Coidzor will probably do it again, and it seems Half of what I say upsets you, so it may be easier in the future knowing we aren't trying to upset you, it just happens.

I should note I don't actually speak for Coidzor, and am making assumptions.

Acknowledging you made a mistake.

I never said "Gunnar11 uses people". I very specifically said several times that I am speaking of no one here, only people I have met in Meatworld who espouse these values. Assuming I meant you is just going to upset you, and I'm sorry I'd the way I sai it made it seem like you were my target. I am speaking in generalities almost by requirement; individual people merit individual consideration.

that being out of the way...
Let's continue with the subject, now not focused on me!

You did it again.

Now for the real issue:
I haven't been on the forum for 2 days, so I haven't been able to reply, and now I feel I need to answer every false assumption being made.

First: As serpentine said, the reply SiuiS gave seemed like a direct reply to me.
Furthermore: I don't feel insulted at all. Sius made it clear there was no harm in those words. The problem doesn't lie in if you want to have a discussion or not, I'll gladly talk with anyone who wants to discuss something, anything. It's for this reason that I didn't "Defend" myself, on Coidzor's side of the discussion.

If you, Sius, had approached me like: "Huh? I don't understand that...
or even:
"that's weird, how come?"
I would gladly try to explain it, instead of building a wall.
Instead, you approached the matter with: It DISTURBS me.
Now, using the word disturb, to me it seems like you're taking the offensive. When you don't understand something you're open to new suggestions. When something disturbs you, you're not.

It's not what you meant to say, but it's the words you chose.

P.S. Really no hard feelings at all, and you certainly didn't insult me with half the things you said, just that one phrase.
P.P.S. I have been trained for martial arts and jungle survival too, but I don't find it a relevant point in your 'case', Sius.
P.P.P.S. Do you still want to continue the discussion, now on neutral terms?
I'm not one to hold grudches

[Serpentine]

Another episode of My Transexual Summer's on. There's a distressing theme of people going "well I'm okay with it, obviously, but I have to worry about what the customers' comfort, you know?" and the like

I want to be in the position where I can fill a whole business with transexuals, flaming homosexuals, dwarves/little people, disabled people, different races and other visibly "different" people that get othered and left out and discriminated against and the like in prominent customer service positions and tear into anyone who dares to say a derogatory word about any of them, and encourage all of my awesome to do the same.*


*Positive intent may well be deeply offensive. If so, sorry about that. I'm just so full of feels.

[Socratov]

Another episode of My Transexual Summer's on. There's a distressing theme of people going "well I'm okay with it, obviously, but I have to worry about what the customers' comfort, you know?" and the like

I want to be in the position where I can fill a whole business with transexuals, flaming homosexuals, dwarves/little people, disabled people, different races and other visibly "different" people that get othered and left out and discriminated against and the like in prominent customer service positions and tear into anyone who dares to say a derogatory word about any of them, and encourage all of my awesome to do the same.*


*Positive intent may well be deeply offensive. If so, sorry about that. I'm just so full of feels.

I partly agree with you, however, as a (small) businessowner you are at the mercy of your clients. If they stop coming because of the precence of a LGBT person then I can hardly blame the businessowner (I do blame the clients for the bigoted *******s they are, but that's a different story). At the end of the day the clients spend money, which you need to pay off bills, eat, live etc. if 1 person's identity is interfering with that I can understand the position. (this is not limited to LGBT, but tattoos, piercings, other (easthetic) choices, gender, race, age or appearances as well as religious political beliefs and so on). Ofcourse, the employment of a LGBT person could also mean a source of new clients. but I wouldn't judge the businessowner for trying to make a living when his clients are the bigots and not him.

[Serpentine]

Oh yeah, people of "alternate" appearance, too - as long as they, their clothes, hair style, piercings etc. are neat, safe and hygienic, of course.

[noparlpf]

I suppose I was lucky last summer to have a fairly casual office environment because I decided to start growing mutton chops about a week before the interview, so when I went in I just hadn't shaved in a week.