[BitPR2] Gaiden: Never bake odd numbers!

[Kuroimaken]

[Seireitei dueling grounds]

Setsurou stood on one end of the grounds with a frown on his face. He looked a right foul mix of upset and angry, though those closed eyes of his never cracked open for much. Today, he wore a black tricorn hat with a red plume sticking out of it.

He pointed towards the opposite side.

"Your crime is completely and utterly unforgivable, Tsubame. You knew full well the dire consequences of your actions and you moved anyway. How could you?!"

One eye snaps open.

"HOW COULD YOU EAT THE LAST COOKIE?! I'M GONNA MURDERIZE YO FACE!"

[Dorizzit]

[Seireitei Dueling Grounds]
???

This scenario is unlikely, largely out of character, embarrassing, pointless, and heavily weighted in favor of my opponent. If I wasn't getting a respite from my atrophied state...

Tsubame, as usual, refrains from expressing any real emotion at Setsurou's most heinous accusation.

"Yes. You are correct. I certainly did eat the last cookie, which was very real, and not imaginary in any way."

She slides into a combat stance, one hand resting on the hilt of her sword.

"Despite knowingly engaging in actions that violated the rules, I will attempt to resist your just punishment in a suitably antagonistic manner. Prepare to face my wrath."

Tsubame, put a little more effort into it.

[Kuroimaken]

To his credit, Setsurou is a consummate actor, even if the script throws suspension of disbelief out the window to be eaten by wild dogs.

"I'll dedicate a poem to your CRIMINAL soul.

Nake! Utae! Odore! Senbi Sourin!"

With this dramatic cry, Setsurou pulls out a tanto and... stabs himself.

In the chest.

And then the tanto disappears.

[Dorizzit]

[Seireitei Dueling Grounds]
Well, actually, in the Seireitei, I guess.

See, Tsubame, why can't you be more like Setsurou?

"I look forward to being incapable of reading it due to my premature death."

Tsubame waits until the tanto has fully disappeared before acting.

"Bakudo 1: Sai."

As soon as the spell is cast, Tsubame Shunpos in front of Setsurou, and lashes out with a very fast Iaijutsu strike.

[Kuroimaken]

The Bakudo seems to catch Setsurou off-guard, as he staggers backwards. When Tsubame zooms forward, her iaijutsu apparently slashes the man neatly in half.

He even has the gall to say "Blargh, I'm dead."

Except he isn't.

Tsubame finds that while there is indeed blood on her blade (a lot of it, in fact), she didn't feel any "true" resistance to her cut.

"My rage cannot be so easily crushed!"

Setsurou's hands coalesce a mass of inky black energy that promptly becomes a lance-sized brush.

"Have at you! Issenoku Gou-E, Bakushi-rei!"

The blood accumulated in her blade suddenly springs to life as a ghastly, inky apparition that claws at her shoulders.

[Dorizzit]

[Seireitei Dueling Grounds]
Maybe an alternate, non-canon version of the Seireitei?

Tsubame, suspecting a trap, disengages immediately when she seemingly kills her opponent. She jumps backwards a few meters, eyeing her surroundings warily.

"It would be impossible to speak with your lungs bisected."

Before she can continue speaking, the ink on her blade flows to life. Despite her obvious surprise, she responds by hurling the sword into the air straight above her, carrying the ink with it.

"An excellent try. Refract. Hoshimi Yuki-Suishou."

The metal shatters off of the blade, carrying the ink apparition with it. Hoshimi Yuki-Suishou immediately falls back into Tsubame's outstretched hand. She makes a slashing motion, freezing the ink above her solid.

"Crushed? Perhaps not. What about frozen?"

Swinging her sword in an overhead slash, Tsubame directs a wave of ice at Setsurou.

[Kuroimaken]

"Awww man, it's one of those zanpakutou. You elemental types are always such a hassle!"

Setsurou had his reasons for detesting them. Despite being refined, his Shunpou wasn't particularly fast, and he had this habit of trying to dodge things at the last second. Granted, he had a great sense of timing, but elemental Zanpakutou always seemed to throw him off a little when it came to that.

Regardless, from his position he advanced in a particularly erratic Shunpou towards Tsubame. His likeness briefly manifested itself at a dozen or so random positions along his path, likely some form of afterimage, until his last form appeared to the side of Tsubame's dominant arm, the large brush describing an intricate pattern in the air as the tool lunged towards it.

[Dorizzit]

[Seireitei Dueling Grounds]
I mean, the whole thing is non-canon, but we've also broken the fourth wall, so...

"I suppose a joke about you needing to 'chill' is warranted. Unfortunately, such is not my strong suit."

Tsubame keeps a close eye out for Setsurou, her eyes flashing to him immediately after he makes his presence clear. She leaps away, but isn't fast enough to prevent Setsurou from making contact.

[Kuroimaken]

Setsurou manages to brush Tsubame's arm, writing an intricate kanji on her cloth. Whether he had actually written it or the ink moved on its own after the brush is unclear.

The kanji read: "Seal".

Tsubame's sword arm now felt unbelievably heavy, at least in the sense that trying to move it felt like a regular human trying to drag a monolith.

"Neither is freezing, from the looks of it."

She could hear the crackling of ice from her previous position. The ink burst out of its "casing" in a wicked rain of what looked like arrowheads.

[Dorizzit]

[Seireitei Dueling Grounds]
Well, maybe not broken...more alluded to.

Tsubame's eyes widen as the kanji is drawn on her arm, the effects immediately obvious and quite surprising to her. Rather than try to dodge the incoming arrowheads, she extends her unimpeded arm above her head, splaying her fingers and palm at the offending barrage.

"Bakudo 39: Enkōsen."

A spinning fan of yellow energy whirls into existence above Tsubame, blocking the arrowheads if they continue their trajectory. Meanwhile, Tsubame forces her Reiatsu into her right arm, attempting to overload the seal.

[Kuroimaken]

"Ho, pretty smart cookie! Not everyone thinks to try what you just did, kudos.

Can you really afford the time, though?!"

With quick, punctuated strokes, Setsurou begins to "draw" at the air. As if responding to his will, some of the ink stands still, while some brushes away.

"Issenoku Gou-E, Ashura Retsuken!"

The ink took on the image of hundreds... thousands of fists that began to launch themselves at Tsubame like rain.

And Setsurou vanished amid them!

Spoiler

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I'm gonna give Tsubame some points for logic, and we can say she partially burnt at the illusion, which reduces its effects. As long as she doesn't realize it's an illusion, though, she'll still be doing it in an ineffective way - meaning she'll be spending more Reiatsu than she really needs to, though not by much.