Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION!

[DigoDragon]

"You were cheating on me with the toaster?"

"Didn't I already check the trunk for bodies? No, wait, I was removing spark plugs."

"Cool! Even if he's fictional, somebody else thinks Luna is Best Pony!"

"But you remember him! No one remembers former US president Richard Filmore."

"No, I'm dressed as Tifa from Final Fantasy."

[Vknight]

(From two different campaigns. One which I will eventually post the campaign for)

"So your plan to battle Slenderman is to play pokemon yellow?"
"Yes and get all the glitches, and glitch pokemon"
(Connected to the MissingNo campaign)

"Slenderman is meme based"
"We must counter him with the greatest thing of all! Cats! Get Charlie!"

"Roll a save vs. being a Cat" *dice*
"I shall swat you little red dot on the wall!!!"

"You have acquired a bag with a young girls face on it saying that real good human taste now in a bag!"

"Man we really need to rain in Steelhammer huh"

"It was a shaped charge. It goes in one direction it didn't hurt anyone else in the building"

"Are you asking if Argyle acted as a shield to the explosives?"

"None of us can investigate"
"Listen I tried to look into the kidnapped mayoral aid. All I did was beat up a drug dealer and got no where"
"Correct none of us can do subtle"
"Considering more of you are on the news for brutal murders then villains I'd agree"
"Why the heck have the cops not arrested us yet?"
"One of you has been shown to take high caliber rounds. Another regenerated well being pinned down and shot with shotguns at point-blank. Then there is the gun that can summon swarms of swords that cut through tanks"

"You guys have no secret base. You have a mansion. A mansion that has a secret room. Sure no one knows its there, but they know it exists."
"How do they know?"
"I'm not sure, maybe when you all got picked up in a limo and were dropped off at the mansion?"
"Or maybe it was the photographic evidence of the mansions owner fighting crime"
"Or maybe it was when you called Overwatch and said hey can you come pick up this nullification collar?"
"Or the fact that a news crew saw you all get picked up after getting into a fight with a war hero"

"He was summoning demons!!"
"Seriously how many times do I have to say it. He did a new age ritual for good luck. Turned out it bound him to a Demon Lord who he got powers from, in the form of a hellish nightmare creature form"

"HE was summoning demons!"
"You tried to bash his head in with a sledgehammer!"
"He was summoning demons!"
"To save his kidnapped girlfriend!"
"He was summoning demons"

"He was summoning demons"
"You murdered 15+ people yesterday!"
"He was summoning demons"
"1 demon by accident, and is now forever bound to, and then used it to save lives"
"He crushed that one guys skull!!"
"You baseball swung off 3 guys skulls at once"
"His sword causes nightmares"
"You murdered a innocent accidentally transforming into a T-Rex"
"I had help!"
"That is not a good thing!"

"This just in war hero Joel, joined with Overwatch private security to look into a way to save others like himself and all other people who have accidental power creation"
"He summoned demons at us!"
"Ruthless vigilante Steelhammer was noted for another string of brutal murders"
"Mr. Joel was quoted as saying; 'I will bring this villain to justice for his crimes'"
"He summoned demons!!"
"To help pay for damages I have done well in Stratos form"

In other news Steelhammer and the guy always saying he summoned demons are one and the same

[Science Officer]

"The komodo dragon does not recognise your authority."

"I kick Swedish Batman in the face."

[Azif13]

" You're walking around and see a midget with the symbol of Baal in his forehead and a paper in his back that says 'kick me' "

Dwarf Cooker (don't ask): I hit the demon with a flour sack.
DM: Ok, if you hit it, It will be blinded.
*rolls*
Dwarf: Yay! A natural 20!
DM: Ok, he's blinded. Who's next turn?
Me (also a PC): Given the situation, wouldn't the darf need to roll reflexes in order to avoid become blinded himself?
DM: (laughing) roll.
Dwarf: But I'm a cooker and I have Art(cooking) 5! I knew what would happen 'cause I work in a kitchen!
Me: So, you throw flour sacks to demons regularly in your kitchen?
DM: (laughing) roll.
Dwarf: Natural 1.
DM and Me rofl.

"Can I have 'Mounstrous size ****' as a feat?"
"Only if you get a 14 in a d20"
*rolls*
"Gotcha! 14!"

[One Tin Soldier]

"Here, have a 20. Now go get some ice cream while I stand here and look conspicuous."

"The only things he could hear were his own racing heart, the puff of cigar smoke, and the old man gumming pineapple in the backseat."

"You know, after all the time I've spent in that jar, I want to go somewhere with a bit more... space."

[Two PCs get in a car]
[One PC]: "Hey."
[Other PC]: *bear grunt*

"I'm sure I'll regret this, but... Yes, you can stalk the building."

"They would have been extremely difficult to deal with without transforming into a living blender. Fortunately, I was able to transform into a living blender."

"As far as he knew, he was randomly assaulted by a ghost swan."

[Kikon9]

"I want to poison him with my fake hand."

"Telekinetic Rat Lobotomy"

"Let's go for a cup of postapocalyptic coffee sometime."

"The cyborg monster is starting to look much more attractive to you."

"I transform into the junk pile."

"I'm disguised as a washing machine."

"Someone ALWAYS picks hermaphromorph."

Store Owner: "Hello sir, can I get you anything?"
PC: "..."
*shotgun blast*

[Hawk7915]

"Okay, I'll summon a horde of celestial badgers and pin notes to them. Then the wizard casts Explosive Runes on all the badgers."

"Dude, why would they read the badgers?"

"A horde of badgers walk into your camp with notes on them. Why wouldn't you read the badgers?"
===============
EDIT: Another, from a player who had I promise never heard the Dr. Demento skit:

DM: "You have a bad feeling about this town"
Beguiler: "I roll perception"
DM: "On what?"
Beguiler: "...the darkness!"

[Mr.Sandman]

"Gronk has bannana tusks!"
"What would the damage for those be?"

"Gronk would like to patent Scorpomail."
"Ok, that is patent #2."
"Whats patent #1?"
"The patent offfice."

"The town is now made of lincoln logs."

[3WhiteFox3]

"I drop my Compsagnathus into the pit."
"No! Not the teabags!"
"Can he fit in my backpack?"
"Congratulations, Rainbow Bright."

[Crossblade]

"Great, we have a flasher R2 unit."

[Joe the Rat]

"Bring me the gnome... it amuses me"

"I don't wanna go with the scary fat man. He smells like butter."

"Augh! I had my mouth open!"

"Give me... the secret of bacon."

"Okay, grab the end of his pole, and tell him to extend it."

"Nice pants. Where's the beard?"

"Remember that keg of rancid beer you opened? This is worse."

"Let's use the goblin to start a campfire" "Sure... or maybe we could use that tree that's on fire."

"I take his lollipop." "That's just mean."

"He'll be fine. He landed on his head."

[Hyde]

"No, we need not cleanse the asylum, we need merely to dismantle the gate"
"...why?"
"If the gate is destroyed, none may pass through it, and the town shall be safe."
/facepalm


"By the power invested in me by the highest of trophic levels, I now pronounce you man and prey-species. I may now eat the bride."

[SilverLeaf167]

"G'day."
"Good evening."
"Can I pass through here?"
"The gate's open."
"Okay then."
"Ayup."

[Zaggab]

"What are you gonna do? Drown him in wrinkles?"

[Inkpencil]

"God bless Pelor."
"Hey there, you ol' pox-faced son of a whore!"
"I roll a suicide check."
"I'm going to kick Monte Cook in the balls for this."
"Rotar has 'peasants' as his favored enemy."

"So, yeah, it looks like you can only carry about 250 lbs of bacon."
"I feel like we're playing 'Oregon Trail.'"

"You see some townspeople chasing a small lizard creature covered in panties."
"Can I have the glitterbear as my animal companion?"
"Hey, Phil! 'Daggers in the dark,' Phil!"
"I give the king a hug."
"I've got another level of Psychic Warrior now. I want to fight Batman again."
"Taste the Painbow!"

[Lothmar]

Soveriegn Caulk, instant bondage.

Look, I understand that Eggs, oil and Mayonaise are primary exports of your people… But for the love of every god in my game, can you please, please stop rubbing them on your characters body!?

Yes I'll admit that your Cerean doing that was incredibly awesome, but you will not trick me into saying 'cone head bulletime'. ~GM facepalms after being tricked into saying it~

"You are a banana." the jedi mind tricks the nameless npc with a nat 20 who falls still onto the floor in the doorway and causes his allies to trip over him and causes a pileup ending the 'chase scene' as they fail their appropriate skill check with a nat 1. "… Wow that, worked better then I thought it would."

The character name you choose for your businessman is Sly Dagwa?.. Awesome.

"And I program my survelliance droids to perform a randomized patrol pattern for security purposes." I add so that no one could learn such things in advance and avoid the security system with a proper plan, only to return to the ship and see my droids floating in random circles, ovals and other odd patterns while playing circus music.

I don’t care if it's a droid, I just think its sad that the best party tank in the primarily warrior party is a chair.

Ok I'll level with you, I'll reluctantly allow the concept - just know that you'll have a DM tree floating overhead ready to insta kill It if it goes the wrong way.

~knock knock~ The scout knocks on the door and doubles back to the bushes. "Who's there?" Replies a voice as a slit in the doorway opens. "Skirmish!" the scout adds rushing the door with his polearm. "Skirmish Wh~aghck?!" The guard muffles as his head is impaled by the spear and the party animates the doorman to unbar the door from the other side.

If you don’t believe me lets reference the strength charts then.. ~after calculation~ Why can your wolf haul more then a semi truck!?

Get that cone out of my face!

Release, the Ewookie.
Don’t you mean Ewok?
No.
Did you mean Wookie?
NO!

Look, I know you're a paladin and thus immune to the disease and you've got a godly fortitude save - but snorting mummy dust cant be healthy…

You mean the Ewoke pilots favorite manuever is the Barrel (emphasis on 'bear') roll? Im shocked.

The mexican janitor enters the torture room to clean up the interrogation room and the prisoner, he removes the bag from his head and procedes to clean him. "Please, please, oh thank god, please help me." He adds thinking it is no longer one of his captors and he might be able to convince them to free him.
"Noooo, nooooo… Your god no es' here." the janitor adds slipping the bag back on as he leaves the room.

And yes, I did in fact just dropkick that mans head off his body!

So why do they call em mouse droids? Well they couldn't very well call them anal pleasure droids now could they?

Yeah I'd like a double bacon bacon, extra bacon, some more bacon on the side, hold the bacon…And Water.

A man grows more and more upset as he fails to light his lighter. "YOU BIC!"

I don’t care if you have regeneration, please for the love of god, do not scalp yourself to remove identifying tatooes… It scars me so.

You are running out of unique ways to kill my pet chickens.

Damn this fog is thick, wait I have a solution to our problem! ~the party looks excited~ First, I cut a circle. ~he adds taking out a knife and going in a circular pattern in the air~ and then I cut another circle. And then I eat the fog donut.

"Do I go around keeping myself warm by burning your village idiots!?" the treefolk asks the party at their campfire.

I don’t care if you have all the right separate skills for it, You are not a Moose Massouse!

[Felhammer]

DM: You have a powerful case of the munchies.

Barbarian: "I EAT THE DWARF!"

Bard: "Wait, what!?"

[Unscrewed]

"Hello Detective! You want to help save some orphans?"

"I don't think fairies use time bombs."

"What does DMPA stand for anyway?"

"nanananana-Vatmaaaaaaan!"

"I"m sorry, he's my retarded cousin."

"So, who remembers our cover story?"

"I think I just broke time. Or reality. Or both."

"Oh ****, I just set orphans on fire."

"You opponent draws his blade, and for a moment you both stand tensed, eyes locked. Then you just f***ing haul, dodging into the traffic jam leaving him blinking."

"Wait, built?"
"As in, I'm fat!"
"Oh, Er, sorry...Look, I'm a mad scientist, it's a valid question!"

"I made the mistake of handling one of your...weapons. It sung the polish national anthem and blew a hole in a vending machine. So I want you to explain everything to me as if you were talking to an idiot."

[Hullu_Iivana]

"Ok. After you tear away the poisoned shuriken, you notice that ninjas are attacking!"
"Cool! How many of them, and where they're attacking from?"
"Thousand of them... and they're coming from all sides, even from the sky!"

[Aelyn]

"There's only one thing we can do. We have to take a dump in the fountain."

[Roderick_BR]

"It's alrady past midnight, and we still didn't get to kill anyone."

"DON'T WORRY, CITIZEN, WE'LL KILL EVERYONE!"

[Prince_Ornstein]

"What makes you think that, under any circumstances, that would have worked?.....ever!"

"I stab him in the throat..."
"Why?"
"Feels like the right thing to do!"


"You've had food this whole time?!?!"

(PC) "I have to ****."
(DM) "ok, ****."
(PC) "I ****."
(DM) "what will you wipe with?"
(PC) ........

[QuidEst]

"Did any girl goblins notice me?"
"Yes. You have 6 Cha."

"Is it a blue turtle? Can we paint it blue?"
"What color is the toad puke?"

[Xallace]

"-for they know true power."
"No, they don't."
"...oh."

---

"I died."
"Did you?"
"Yes."
"I don't remember that."
"I died. Trust me."

---

"I was not anticipating my psicrystal would be a hobgoblin, thank you."

---

"I crashed my motorcycle into a spear factory."

---

"It was a mating ground for mushroom men. You can't make up stuff like this."

---

"You're just leaving behind a trail of super-powerful creatures transmuted into humanoids."

---

"He looks like a bar stool with a human face."

[Vknight]

"He's death of course morals don't factor into how he see's things"

"So let me get this straight Death is challenging you to a board game winner gets to decide the contest for your soul and your saying no"

"You finish setting up your miniatures army. Death places out 4 horsemen"

"Taking her to silent hill wouldn't have worked they have scheduling issues with a guy trapped in his apartment"

"She stabbed herself to make a deal with death to help you"
"She did that cause I couldn't have him take you to Silent Hill yet"

"I got shot in the gut I'm not eating anything"

"Can you bring me my talking cat?"
"Oh god I'm so sorry I thought it was evil so I tried to smash it with your miniatures"

"You went to get ice cream and left me alone with my evil twin"
"To be fair it was good ice cream and 3 scoops for the price of 1 that day"

"How could you not tell which of us was real"
"Well you were cuter but that could have been it trying too hard"

"Ok what is your name"
*The figure changes the surrounding area into a graveyard*
"No I asked what your name was"
*The figure draws up the dust*
"I'm asking you what your name is"
*The dust dances to life form a child which rapidly ages through life*
"Again what is your name"
*The figure draws a scythe, its eyes sparkle with a sapphire blue light, like a pair of blazing blue stars*
"See this is not helping"
*It snaps its fingers and shows the hospital room were Joanne is*
"Ok so you must know where Death is then"
*The figure rises massive black wings spreading out*
"So you'll lead us to him.... (2 minutes of in and out of gaming thinking)
YOUR DEATH!"

(Yes that happened yes the player did not get it, in or out of character.)
(Context for the Death one

Spoiler

Show

is they were trying to save Joanne cause she had been stabbed

)

[Unseenmal]

"Let me see if I follow your logic here. We can't torture the sniper, that shot me and 2 other crew members, for information after he was caught red-handed BY US...but YOU can kidnap our captain and our merchant, torture them for information...All based on a hunch. Officers, I believe the Nobleman just admitted his involvement in the kidnap/torture of 2 people in front of a dozen witnesses. Arrest this moron."

"10 MEN! 10 MEN! (Knocks 1 out) 9 MEN! 9 MEN!"

"I hack the space station and encrypt their entire network so only I have access"

"Do they do it doggy style?"

"If he gets a gun then I should be able to build explosives. Fair is fair."

"Furbies!? Why the hell did it have to be Furbies?"

"You shot the hermaphrodite in the groin...it's a SHE, now."

"Wait...so you're telling me that she's a high-class, Geisha prostitute? JACKPOT!"

[Vulion]

"Got your pants!"

[Sgt. Cookie]

This isn't mine, I saw it on the boards as part of a larger thing.

"I don't really know what Darth Maul has to do with Mindflayers"

[Urpriest]

"My dear Doktor Frankenstein: Doctor Doom is just two mice in a suit."

[Blueiji]

"I convince him the sky is red."

"It's a calzone golem."

"Can I seduce the chaotic evil half-dragon?"