Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION!

[ZeroGear]

"Too late Heroes! I have already taken the hostage's virginity!"
"Wait...WHAT?"

"I use Baleful Polymorph to turn it into a dog!"
"I kick the dog."

"What are you doing here?"
"Um...I got lost looking for the bathroom?"
"Ok, fair enough."

"Spit that out, you don't know where that's been."
"Hey! I resent that!"

"Must you try to sleep with EVERY GIRL we come across?"
"Yes, why?"

[The Fury]

PC: "I need some antitoxin."

Shopkeep: "Antitoxin? I don't have any of that. I got some antimatter."

PC: "How much is it?"

Shopkeep: "A million gold pieces."

PC: "Oh... I don't have that much."

Shopkeep: "Oh, I'll just let ya have it 'cuz I like you."

PC: "OK, I drink it."

DM: "OK, roll a Fortitude save."

PC: *rolls* "...I got a thirty--"

DM: "You blow up!"

[TheHoodedTeddy]

It's a MEXICAN turtle!

[cellingwood]

"It's Neil Diamond! He'll save us!"

"I run up to him and kick him in the nuts! I roll a... NATURAL 20, HELL YEAH! THEY EXPLODE LIKE GRAPES!"

[The Fury]

"Hey Tony... I BLOW UP THE DOOR!"

"I turned one of the little beholders into a hat. His name is Ted."

[JohnnyCancer]

"I signed up to rebuild civilization, not to fight a forest full of Draculas!"

[Erasmas]

"I pet the celestial puppy." (This became the euphemism for 'self love'.)

[Techwarrior]

Player 1: What does it taste like?
DM: A fort save.

DM: As the illusion fades, you hear the paranoid pyromaniac Russian running back to his Batcave, screaming in agony. [Player 2] (the Cuban)'s axe is on the ground where the Russian was, and you can see blood trailing down the cave in the direction of the Russian's screaming. All of that fades into insignificance as you see one of the aliens you've been fighting charge towards you.
Player 1: I strangle the Cuban.

Player 2: But I have Partial Immunity to alcohol!

Player 3: Wait, so Slenderman isn't actually there.
DM: Oh no, you can still see nothing but Slenderman getting bologna tossed at him by the Cuban inside the gas station.
Player 3: Ok good.

[mistformsquirrl]

"What else was I going to do? Talk to badgers at them?"

[gurgleflep]

DM: Okay, so you all walk into the room waist deep in poo.
Halfing: Ummm... Waist deep to who, exactly?
DM: The half-orc.
Half-orc: Heh, halfling HEAD deep in poo...
Dwarf: Reminds me of home.

[Jay R]

DM: A Balrog appears in front of you.
Don: I kill it. We keep running down the hall between the two sides of the Balrog. (Throws two dice down the table. They come to rest in front of the DM.)
DM: Yeah, right. (Looks at dice.) Ummm ... you keep running down the hall between the two sides of the Balrog.

(Yes, "Balrog". this was a long time ago, in OD&D.)

[ZeroGear]

Prof. Hammerhome: "You see these Jugs? I want you to drink from them!"
Class: "..."
Prof. Hammerhome: "...By using a cup!"
Class: "..."
Prof. Hammerhome: "Like this goblet!"

"Would you stop referring to the murderous, creepy villein as 'Sexy Man-Meat'?"
"No."

"Hello Class, my name is..."
[insert chatter here]
"Please stop talking...."
[chatter continues]
"Um...hey...I was saying I'm..."
[more chatter]
"AAAARRRGGGHHH! DOCTOROCTAGONAPUSS! BLAAAAARGH!"

"We're going to Hell!"
"What? Again?"

"so, when are we going back to hell?"

"We fought a TARESQUE?"

[Felandria]

"I wave, invisibly."

[Brennan1214]

"I smite the corn elemental."

"How many hit points does a tree have?"

"How many more people do we have to assassinate before anyone notices us?" (Note: That last one wasn't sarcasm. It was completely serious, and delivered in a neutral tone.)

"So I get how the rats can fit through the walls, but how do they fit through the stoves?"

[A Tad Insane]

"I am death, destroyer of gnomes, wielder of the dread rubber chicken, and master of salmon. I have destroyed entire empires with laser rats, murdered kings with limmericks, and beat a dragon at the cinnimon challenge. I've done all this, and more, and you think a +6 great sword will stop me?"

"I summon the cat"
"I turn evil for punching a baby, yet the paladin can do that?!"

"Lutes OP"

[JohnnyCancer]

"Let me guess: it's an arrangement of quonset huts painted 'who gives a **** green.'"

[3SecondCultist]

"Druid school was too hard, and oddly enough too expensive. On that note, by some magic I am unhungover. Woo!"

"Anyone want to poke the glowy?"

"Ok, so I was thinking about how maybe we could use spectroscopy to figure out what pale fire's made of. I was thinking, maybe we could light someone on fire, look at it with a primitive spectroscope, then subtract the colors standard to a normal burning human. Then it occurred to me, and it's just too perfect not to be true: pale fire is people! Bwahahaha, ultimate plot twist!"

"Just remember this fire safety tip! When setting something on fire, first know how to put it out. Doomy the Wombat says only you can kill the party and then have a new one made who's first mission is to put out said fire of first party made."

"Is some sort of pitfall going to happen to them out of some long-standing imagined slight? Will their characters get eaten? Will their character sheets get eaten? Will you force them to eat their own character sheets? Oh the humanity! And the gnomeity. Not the elfity though, they are totally down with eating paper."

[Henry the 57th]

"Why are we slathering ourselves in plum pudding again?"

[Jeff the Green]

Here's one that just came up in my PbP game:

DM: You're able to find a rabbit warren nearby and wake them up. After they finish chewing you out for disturbing their rest, they inform you that a thoroughly disheveled looking human passed by recently. He or she (they don't see that human men and women are all that different) said something to him- or herself and headed into the woods. They imply that he or she was incredibly stupid for doing so, and ask that you leave so they can get their kits to sleep. Oh, and by the way, do you have any carrots? This fall has been a rubbish season for root vegetables and they're tired of herbs.

[dysprosium]

"I heal the lamp."

"Well at least I didn't flunk warmage school!"

"You're not really silenced ***hole!"

"I don't always throw swords, but when I do, I use falchions!"

[Lothmar]

Gm: "I'll describe that fodder so hard, just you wait."

[Big Fau]

Warlock: "I got my ass handed to me by a swimming pool."

[One Step Two]

PC1: I am going to challenge the King's Daughter to a duel!
PC2: I am going to spread a rumour that the duel is to win her hand in marriage.
PC1: Why must you always do these things to me?

PC1: You're in chains, what could you possibly do?
PC2: I have a plan.
PC3: What plan?
PC2: I am going to Jack Sparrow my way inside, and convince the twin sibling guard captains that they are really in love with one-another, and need to flee to somewhere more accepting of their love than this city.
DM: But... they aren't in love.
PC2: A minor detail.

[eulmanis12]

NPC: "Helo, my name is Jorjejuanlopezvelasqueszfernandoarribagonzalezhomb redelamanchadon..."
player "now that's a long name"
NPC: "...quehotecortezdejuancarlosellocodequesodesumadr e el exploriador"


"I shoot him with all seven barrels"

"I light the fuse, then roll the keg down the hill"

GM: "Captain Barrett's head is removed by a cannonball, you witness the mainmaist fall off to starboard, it tears the legs of an unfortunate sailor, the ship is going down, and its going down quickly"
Player: "I run to the nearest life boat shooting at whoever is inside, then as I push off, I throw my torch at the nearest keg of powder."
GM: "these are your men!"
Player: "I'm changing sides"

Player: "I walk up to the drunken highlanders, get the largest one's attention, and insult his mother"

player: "that settles it, from now on his name is Wreck it Jorjito"

player: " 100 caliber you say?"
DM: "Yes"
player: " I pick it up, I hug it, I cuddle it, I even lick it a little, then I load it, take out my bowie knife, and carve Vera onto the stock"

" a prison guard flies past, narrowly missing your head"

"JORJITO SMASH!"

Player One :"What was the ONE thing the guard captain asked of us? I leave you alone for five minutes and what do you do? Half the city's on fire!"
Player Two: "We saved the other half for you"

"Vladimir Vodkovskovitch, in the name of His majesty the Emperor, you are herby arrested for crimes including but not limited to: Murder, Arson, Grand theft Equine, Conspiracy to commit murder, Larceny, High Treason, Piracy on the high seas, Conspiracy to commit treason, Breaking out of prison, Breaking into prison, petty theft, Usury, Low treason, Blasphemy, Piracy on the low seas, tax evasion, poaching, burglary, robbery, banditry, Coitus Interruptus, impersonating an officer, and public urination."

"We should stop to rearm, I've only got four axes left"

"I drink the rum, dump the moonshine on the floor, drop my torch, and call it a night"

[Amidus Drexel]

"You will not cooperate? Bony, make a larger door in the front of the store."

"Technically, I never broke any promises. I just neglected to promise not to kill him."

"We just killed a dragon, we don't have time to explain string theory!"

[OctoberRaven]

"Okay, Pyrokinetic Immunity is still active right?"
"Yes"
"Good, I use Pyrokinesis on my clothes."

"But you've dealt with fire and knives all the time in your movies!"
"Yeah, IN MY MOVIES. Do YOU see EMTs and firemen nearby?"

"Um... did anyone get our stuff out of the trunk?"
"...[Expletive]"

"I hang up... then I roll for lunacy."

"News ninjas!"

(Out of character) "So I have no idea where I am right now."
"Nope."
(In character) *raises hand* "TAXI!"

[ZeroGear]

"You come across a 50ft shaft."

"No, your darkvision does not penetrate it."

"It was a good idea to leave the rope there, because climbing up the shaft would be difficult."

"We're not going to f**k it, we're going to rob it."

"You're looking a little whiter there, white boy."

"In infernal, again: 'Bathroom'."

"Scimitar go down the hoooole."

"I could fork it away form him."
"How do you fork?"

"I'm getting s**t about diseases from a prostitute?"

"You know the saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions."
"Didn't we just go do hell?"

"Where do we keep the body...probably in the church?"

"I also want to play around with the finger bone."
"You mean the knuckle bone, right?"

[Vknight]

I don't think hitting things makes them not explode

Didn't he say the suit was bobby-trapped?

Whose the guy your torturing

Zylle symbiote. Rylle parasite.

[Tar Palantir]

"I'm like Doctor Seuss, but with murder."
"So, Doctor Seuss, then."

[OctoberRaven]

"Word of advice: Lonely adventuring women looking for a big strong man to sweep them off their feet only exist in Copper Dreadfuls."