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  1. - Top - End - #451
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    I'm blunt.
    Want to talk out your specific concerns with it here? Sometimes it helps to just write out whatever you're thinking. Otherwise, I guess that's for you to figure out.
    Mostly it's just new and I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking here or how to really go about figuring that out, which is a bit unusual.
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  2. - Top - End - #452
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Mostly it's just new and I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking here or how to really go about figuring that out, which is a bit unusual.
    Ooh ooh, I think I can help here! I'm good at asking the right questions to get people to figure out where they stand... course, I usually know the person better and am talking to them face to face, but...

    Anyway! Where to start. Why don't we start with positive stuff, that's always a good place to start. Is this girl someone awesome who you'd like to date/have fun sexy times with, regardless of polyamory?
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    A good background is like a skirt. Short enough to keep my interest, but long enough to cover the important bits.
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  3. - Top - End - #453
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Jallorn View Post
    Ooh ooh, I think I can help here! I'm good at asking the right questions to get people to figure out where they stand... course, I usually know the person better and am talking to them face to face, but...

    Anyway! Where to start. Why don't we start with positive stuff, that's always a good place to start. Is this girl someone awesome who you'd like to date/have fun sexy times with, regardless of polyamory?
    Well, if she looked like roadkill and wasn't passably interesting it'd be real easy to dismiss her interest. I like to think of myself as kind despite knowing better and even that's beyond me.

    She's too new for me to want to date, per se, but from what I've seen I'm interested in getting to know her better as a friend at least. And she's not super my type, but she's attractive enough. Don't usually feel a super strong need/urge to tear the clothes off women all that often since I stopped being a teenager though. For good or ill.

    Generally I don't really have to think about my boundaries because either people aren't interested in me in the slightest or they are and they never even push my boundaries. So I'm not really sure where and what they are anymore. I feel that if I were to proceed, even if it was just a friendship with occasional flirting, that I should probably ascertain what these boundaries of mine actually are. I definitely don't want to be part of cheating, sure, but that's where poly sort of mucks things up and I have no basis to go on, innit?
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
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  4. - Top - End - #454
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Well, if she looked like roadkill and wasn't passably interesting it'd be real easy to dismiss her interest. I like to think of myself as kind despite knowing better and even that's beyond me.

    She's too new for me to want to date, per se, but from what I've seen I'm interested in getting to know her better as a friend at least. And she's not super my type, but she's attractive enough. Don't usually feel a super strong need/urge to tear the clothes off women all that often since I stopped being a teenager though. For good or ill.

    Generally I don't really have to think about my boundaries because either people aren't interested in me in the slightest or they are and they never even push my boundaries. So I'm not really sure where and what they are anymore. I feel that if I were to proceed, even if it was just a friendship with occasional flirting, that I should probably ascertain what these boundaries of mine actually are. I definitely don't want to be part of cheating, sure, but that's where poly sort of mucks things up and I have no basis to go on, innit?
    That would be the next step, yeah, figuring out your feelings on polyamory. Do you have any sort of gut reaction for or against? Perhaps a feeling that you shouldn't approve of polyamory? Or maybe a desire for it because of the possibility of extra nookie?

    I'm getting the impression that it's neither, and you simply never considered the possibility of ending up in any sort of polyamorous relationship (you kinda said that earlier, but I like to be sure). If that's the case, my next question would be: How much do you know about polyamory? What is your understanding of the relationship?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ertier View Post
    A good background is like a skirt. Short enough to keep my interest, but long enough to cover the important bits.
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  5. - Top - End - #455
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Is the implication that poly people can't hate anybody because they're into everybody? That doesn't make sense, but neither does any other interpretation I can think of.
    that was indeed the interpretation I meant.. one not to be taken too seriously, of course


    on a more serious note..
    @Coidzor.. you might just want to play it safe and make sure that it is indeed a poli and above board situation, you're getting yourself into. it's not written anywhere that people in a poly situation/household may end up cheating on their partner/s or feel cheated by one going behind their back. in other words, if you are getting anywhere near sexual or sentimental implications and situations, you might actually want to clear things up with the other members of that equation, not just with the one who's trying to get into your briefs.
    things might not be as clear cut for them as they make it look.
    a friend of mine worked for some time at the bar of an adult club run by 2 couples. occasionally, adult stuff would happen.. this went well until the day one of the owners started chasing her without informing or involving his wife, who got a major beef with the situation, which led to my friend walking out on the situation, the job and everything else. the fact that those were "open couples" didn't diminish the hurt felt by the wife or the awkwardness and underhandness caused by the husband.
    so.. yeah..double check with her relevant other/s
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  6. - Top - End - #456
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Can I pm someone with a question or two?
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  7. - Top - End - #457
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    My box is always open.
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    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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  8. - Top - End - #458
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Hurr hurr hu-
    Sorry v.v

  9. - Top - End - #459
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Hurr hurr hu-
    Sorry v.v
    Because we are adults. Completely mature, responsible adults.
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  10. - Top - End - #460
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    My box is always open.
    Oh double entendre...
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  11. - Top - End - #461
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcanist View Post
    Oh double entendre...
    The great part is how often I'll say something like that, and not realize it until after I've said it or (more often) when someone points it out

    I've learned to just accept it and make fun of myself for them.
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  12. - Top - End - #462
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    The great part is how often I'll say something like that, and not realize it until after I've said it or (more often) when someone points it out

    I've learned to just accept it and make fun of myself for them.
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  13. - Top - End - #463
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    I don't quite get it...

  14. - Top - End - #464
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    you're like a male Felicia Day
    I'm sigging this
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  15. - Top - End - #465
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Grinner View Post
    I don't quite get it...
    she too has a tendency to say the wrongest things without realizing it, and she's quite the prude so when she eventually does the reaction is fun to watch.
    whether she does this on purpose or it's genuine, it works either way.
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  16. - Top - End - #466
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcanist View Post
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    WELL judging from his behaviors of always clinging on to her, kissing her in front of me, whispering into her ear, and doing all sorts of things to intentional antagonize me, it could be a possibility of him beating his chest over me. However, I can understand the concept of one of my... Galpals(?) boyfriends being nervous around one of their Brobuddies(?), hell, I remember with one boyfriend I actually had to tell him precisely what he can and can't do with her. He is now one of my best friends and my friend's fiance

    So in a way, I can understand why a new boyfriend would be intimidated by his girlfriend's guy friends...
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    I've tried to stay in contact with her, making plans to hang out with her and her boyfriend, calling her, being cool with her new boyfriend and she finally just spit it out and told me to leave them alone. She just flat out told me to gtfo of her life.

    Off to go brew myself some tea and watch some classic movies. Any recommendations?
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  17. - Top - End - #467
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcanist View Post
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    I've tried to stay in contact with her, making plans to hang out with her and her boyfriend, calling her, being cool with her new boyfriend and she finally just spit it out and told me to leave them alone. She just flat out told me to gtfo of her life.

    Off to go brew myself some tea and watch some classic movies. Any recommendations?
    Lord of the Rings. Sheer epic will get your mind off it for a while.

    Also, to offer a little general advice of my own before I launch into my own crap:
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    I've had issues asking girls out. I freeze. I chicken out. Others have expressed similar problems. I've only started working on this problem myself. Some others have also had some good advice, but I've got two things to add.
    1) It might help to get to a place where it's now-or-never, so to speak: you either ask her out now, or not at all. Like when you're about to part ways, at least for the day. Then say something to commit yourself, and do it quickly enough you don't have time to think about it. At that point, your options are to carry through or jump out of the nearest window. It's easier said than done. Trust me, I know. But it might help.
    2) It really is better to get it over. There was one girl I was interested in, we'd chatted for a while over email. Then, before I could even ask her out, she straight up told me she wasn't interested. It hurt, but in retrospect was much better than when I dragged it out because I was afraid she'd say no.


    Now, aforementioned personal crap:
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    I'm about to go back for my second year of college. About midway through freshman year, I met this girl. I wasn't interested in her romantically at first, but it kind of grew out of our friendship, on my end at least. I was doing homework one evening with some friends (her included), and she and I basically talked to one another most of the time we both should have been working. That's happened a couple of times. I hoped to ask her out, and finally did, but it was a couple of weeks before school ended. She said no, that she didn't have time to go out. Someone else posted a similar situation, and others said it was probably an excuse, but a) she genuinely seemed interested (that later on "I might take you up on that offer"), and b) she was busy. She's double-majoring and pushes herself really hard when it comes to her classes. Which is one of the reasons I'm interested. Besides being smart, beautiful, and actually into Lord of the Rings, she's one of, if not the, most driven women I know.

    I hope to give it another shot beginning of next year, but we haven't really communicated much over the summer, and I don't want to seem off-putting.

    To make things even more interesting, two of my close friends (both of whom are female, both of whom I've known since early in the year) dislike this person. One of them used to be friends with her, but... something happened. Still don't know what that was.
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  18. - Top - End - #468
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Uh isn't that almost exactly the same situation as was posted by someone on a previous page? As in:

    - Asked someone out
    - Got rejected but via an excuse of "too busy"
    - School year ended
    - No contact with person over summer
    - Want to ask out again once school starts

    It seems strange that you say the person mentioned being interested, but then no real communication happened for the summer at all? That is not a good sign of interest frankly.

    I'd consider asking your friends why they dislike the person as well. Not that their opinions necessarily matters with respect to a relationship, but depending on their reasons, it could put this person in a new light to you.

  19. - Top - End - #469
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    Uh isn't that almost exactly the same situation as was posted by someone on a previous page? As in:

    - Asked someone out
    - Got rejected but via an excuse of "too busy"
    - School year ended
    - No contact with person over summer
    - Want to ask out again once school starts

    It seems strange that you say the person mentioned being interested, but then no real communication happened for the summer at all? That is not a good sign of interest frankly.
    I'd agree, but if she actually added "I might take you up on that offer later," as rs2 mentioned, I'd be thinking that might have been a request to ask her again later (whether she was intending end of finals or next year is a different question). Not sure exactly where that leaves things, however, since there seem to be different pieces arguing different things.

    I'd consider asking your friends why they dislike the person as well. Not that their opinions necessarily matters with respect to a relationship, but depending on their reasons, it could put this person in a new light to you.
    If you have 2 close friends who both know the girl and dislike her, it's worth pressing to find out why. Sometimes, people will dislike someone for a reason they can't specify ("they just rub me the wrong way") or is fairly minor to you ("I find X about them annoying" when you don't find that annoying), but sometimes there are significant issues that you just haven't seen yet. Whether their reasons change anything depends on a lot.
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  20. - Top - End - #470
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    mistake post, on a late subject
    Last edited by zorenathres; 2013-07-31 at 01:44 PM. Reason: late post

  21. - Top - End - #471
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    I'd consider asking your friends why they dislike the person as well. Not that their opinions necessarily matters with respect to a relationship, but depending on their reasons, it could put this person in a new light to you.
    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    If you have 2 close friends who both know the girl and dislike her, it's worth pressing to find out why. Sometimes, people will dislike someone for a reason they can't specify ("they just rub me the wrong way") or is fairly minor to you ("I find X about them annoying" when you don't find that annoying), but sometimes there are significant issues that you just haven't seen yet. Whether their reasons change anything depends on a lot.
    I know why one of them doesn't like her. It's basically just the "they just rub me the wrong way" that you mentioned. The other one, though, I'm really not sure. Like I said, they were friends at one point.
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  22. - Top - End - #472
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    I know why one of them doesn't like her. It's basically just the "they just rub me the wrong way" that you mentioned. The other one, though, I'm really not sure. Like I said, they were friends at one point.
    Well, with the one you know, that could be relevant, but I'd just say it's likely a matter of not everyone gets along. The other, I would try to get more info from. Hopefully it's nothing drastic, but if it is, it's good to know now. Especially since they used to be friends... that could either be a significant problem, or just a "we grew apart" type of thing. I have plenty in the latter category (which I'd say isn't an issue), and know a few in the former (second-hand, fortunately), which could be an issue, depending on what it was.
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  23. - Top - End - #473
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Not to interrupt the problem at hand, but I need to vent. Right now I have a great girlfriend and she is awesome. Yes, great way to start off my problem I know. The thing is, I have this crazy clingy ex who I dated for six months. It was her first "serious" relationship, and I understand it would be hard for her to get over it, and it was for me too but she was flirting with other guys so ya know. Already given her chances yada-yada. Ended it. Six months later she still tries to call me text me or whatever and has not left me alone, and she even knows I have a girlfriend and has tried to get in contact with her. And even worse she might be going to my school next year. Do you guys know any way to get a clingy ex out of your life. And by the way my school is really small oh joy.
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  24. - Top - End - #474
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    First step: talk to her, calmly and kindly but unambiguously. "(Ex), this is unacceptable behaviour. Our relationship is over. I am not willing to maintain a friendship with you, and this is not good for you, either - you need to move on and find someone else who is better for you. I wish you well and good luck, but I will no longer answer any of your messages, and do not try to contact (girlfriend)."

    Step 2: If she keeps going after that, she needs help. Tell her so. "(Ex), this is not healthy. You need help, and I cannot give it to you. Here is the contact information for some mental health and support services, I urge you to use them. I will not be responding to you any more. Good luck."

    Step 3: Cut her off. Block her numbers and emails, do not respond, etc.

    If she still keeps harassing you, you might have to start looking at legal recourse and the like... That's unlikely, though; sometimes people just take a long time to get over things, and/or don't realize how their behaviour comes across.

  25. - Top - End - #475
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    I have already tried to help her through it and be nicr and saying she moved on, and after she just wouldn't stop I ignored her than she started talkig to my girlfriend apparently. It would be easy for us to ignore her but she might be goin to my school next year, and it is a small school were you know everyone so thay should be barrels of fun xD.
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  26. - Top - End - #476
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by revilo300 View Post
    I have already tried to help her through it and be nicr and saying she moved on, and after she just wouldn't stop I ignored her than she started talkig to my girlfriend apparently. It would be easy for us to ignore her but she might be goin to my school next year, and it is a small school were you know everyone so thay should be barrels of fun xD.
    I suppose you could outright tell her you never want to have any contact with her again. Have your girlfriend tell her the same thing. That'll probably make her take the hint, though it may be a tad harsh. Still if you've already tried the nice approach and ignoring her doesn't work, the no holds barred approach does usually work.

    If that still somehow doesn't work, I don't see what else you can do besides ignore her though. Unless she's legally stalking you I don't think there's anything the law can do about it (I suppose maybe harassment too, but I'm not a lawyer).

  27. - Top - End - #477
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    am I the only one who is reminded of the overly attached girlfriend meme, in this case?
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    Quote Originally Posted by revilo300 View Post
    I have already tried to help her through it and be nicr and saying she moved on, and after she just wouldn't stop I ignored her than she started talkig to my girlfriend apparently. It would be easy for us to ignore her but she might be goin to my school next year, and it is a small school were you know everyone so thay should be barrels of fun xD.
    Have you told her that it's a problem? Or did you just go from trying to help her to ignoring her? Talking to her (see Serp's suggestions) may help - as has been pointed out, she may not see that there's a problem with her behavior. If you have talked to her and she still went around you to talk to the new GF, you may need to have her also give your ex a similar talk. Having a total break, even for only a month or 2 before school starts back up, may be all that's needed for her to get beyond this stage.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    am I the only one who is reminded of the overly attached girlfriend meme, in this case?
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    Oh no, she knows it is a problem.
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