Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[Nahal]

3186: I am no longer to seduce NPC's without at least getting their name.

[Rockphed]

3187: I cannot play a vampire Psion named Kerrigan.
3188: Nor a paladin named James Raynor.
3189: If my two weapon fighter gets two locked gauntlets and duel weilds short swords, he should not scream, "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" as his battle cry.

[Magnus_Samma]

3190: I am no longer to seduce NPCs who are not of my creature type.

[The Orange Zergling]

3187: I cannot play a vampire Psion named Kerrigan.
3188: Nor a paladin named James Raynor.
3189: If my two weapon fighter gets two locked gauntlets and duel weilds short swords, he should not scream, "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" as his battle cry.

I read your post. And literally laughed out loud.

V: I thought it was spelled Adun Tauridas... :P

[Destro_Yersul]

3191: In the grand tradition of SC ripoffs, "Adun Turidos" is NOT the command word for a wand of invisibility.
3192: My PC may NOT have a suicide attack, no matter how much damage it deals.

[Penguinizer]

3193: KHAAAAAN!! Is not an acceptable battlecry.
3193b: Neither is "NEEEEEEERD!!!!"

[The Faceless]

3193c: neither is "I'll give you a right good seeing too!". Unless we're doing a Victoriana campaign and i'm some sort of english gentleman of leisure. and even then, use it sparingly.

[Wolf53226]

Furthering the things not allowed to be a battle cry:
3194: "NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!!!"
3195: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!"

[Maxymiuk]

3196: I will not provoke the three red dragons by yelling "Your father was a wyvern, and your mother a newt!" Even if it does stop them from tearing the rest of the party apart and get them chasing me instead.

[Dairun Cates]

3197. Will not base villains on people I have a personal grudge against.

3198. Will not destroy the magical ship in the bottle that contains the next adventure by setting it on fire and throwing it at the Kraken

3199. I will not throw alchemist fire at the evil Goblin chieftan with a baby shield and a pile of babies behind him.

3200. Even if I CAN blame it on him in retrospect.

3201. It is assumed in a high power campaign in a point buy system that I will buy at least ONE combat skill.

3202. Likewise, in said same system in a more social campaign, I am assumed to have to have at least one NON-Combat skill.

3203. If it requires more than 5 acronym's to explain, I can't have it.

3204. If figuring out the cost of it requires college level algebra, I can't have it.

3205. My cleric of Pelor does not have a 3 int so stop assuming every tiny hole is the citadel of darkness.

3206. Pelor has no reservations to alcohol, and my cleric has no basis to think it's evil

3207. No matter how reserved my cleric is, after 4 years of adventuring, he will know what a vow of celebicy is and whether he has taken one.

3208. Also, in reference to #3207, I REALLY will not make my GM flirt so hard with my character that he starts twirling his hair and licking his lips just to get my character to talk about how awesome Pelor is.

3209. Other gods are not wussies.

3210. Giving prophetic dreams to the stupidest person in the party is a no-no.

3211. I cannot buy 100 pieces of chalk, even if they are great antacids.

3212. I have NO use for that silver bell.

3213. I shall make sure that no more than a third of the words I say in any given session are Pelor.

3214. Killing a lowly vampire spawning with a giant massive damage ray of light is not Pelor's will, it's overkill and it's pathetic.\

3215. I will not go into a beserk rage everytime I crit a knowledge (religion) roll on information about a rival God to Pelor.

3216. I will not make a character that idolizes a character from last campaign because my new character thinks he did all the things my cleric did.

3217. This is ESPECIALLY true if he's idolizing a rogue and all his stories are about spell-casting.

3218. Not allowed to sing about Pelor during Second watch.

3219. Playing a Dwarf does not automatically make me mortal enemies with every elf within 10 miles.

3220. Especially not player character elves.

3221. B3 is not to be used as a weapon in my very capable hands.

3322. I cannot create weapons with the damage code V1V with an area of effect.

3323. The players don't care how it's so bad it's funny, we will never play a Dream Park campaign.

3324. I am not allowed to watch the other player be eaten by a Kappa in the first 15 minutes no matter how stupid he was about it.

3325. There is no use for a handful of stink weed in your pocket.

3326. No gloating to the GM when using said handful of stinkweed to outsmart a succubus.

3327. You may not tell the Oni to "please be gentle" (Thank god that one isn't me).

3328. As legitamite of a tactic it is in mythology, the GM would prefer you NOT suckle the Banshee (Also not me, thank god).

3329. Don't taunt the giant man eating ceramic frog.

3330. I am not allowed to invent new dice rolling mechanics for "the hell of it".

3331. "Don't be a jackass" is not enough information on character creation limits.

3332. The GM may not have an NPC record the PC's most embarassing moments and play it on TV with Benny Hill music.

3333. The GM will never allow the players to set traps ever again. After the 14th stun grenade, the 18th spike trap, the 20th hand grenade, the 50th exploding clone, the 60th missle pod sprouting out of nowhere, the 75th greased cooridor and the 100th stereo blasting Spice Girls, all against one enemy, it just got ridiculous.

[Green Bean]

3334: I am not longer allowed to manipulate the mundane equipment guide. That means no buying ten-foot ladders for 5cp, turning them into two 10ft poles, and selling them for 1sp each

[Lial Swiftlight]

3335.Polymorphing the wizard into a ferret because he was ticking me off is bad enough, but making him my familiar is taking things too far.
3336.Even if he is much cuter this way.
3337.I am to hate the wizard despite the fact that he is more powerful than me, not because of it.
3338.I do not have weapon proficiency (forest fire).
3339.Especially when I'm playing a druid.
3340.Half-dragon poop is never considered an appropriate bribe.
3341.Not even then.
3342.In the future, I will think twice before breathing fire in enclosed spaces.
3343.When the town guard asks for an explanation, the appropriate answer is never "collateral damage", even if it is technically correct.
3344.I will not wipe out the BBEG’s entire army with one well-placed spell.
3345.In fact, I am no longer allowed to play druids in army campaigns.
3346.I will try and tone down on spells that require the DM to re-draw the dungeon map.
3347.Just because if I use all my higher-level spell slots I can cast 39 dimension doors per day, does not mean I should abuse this fact.
3348.Detect Evil is not a role-playing tool.
3349.I challenge people to a duel by slapping them with a glove, not a spiked gauntlet.
3350.If the explosion is powerful enough to vaporise the castle, I should assume I can't evade it.
3351.Especially when I'm right in the middle of it.
3352.No matter how good my bluff check is, I cannot convince the bugbears I don't exist.
3353.I will not take bets on whether I can make the BBEG cry if I mock him enough.
3354.Clerics are not projectile weapons.
3355.Rust monsters do not make appropriate pets.
3356.Nor do spheres of annihilation.
3357.I cannot bypass the negative level imposed by the evil sword by handing it to another PC and wielding him.
3358.I will not perform card tricks with a Deck of Many Things.
3359.I will not obliterate the entire gnomish village unless I can think of a better reason than "because they're gnomes".
3360."No-one else can think of a reason to let them live" is not a better reason.
3361.My backup lock pick is not an adamantine battleaxe.
3362.It sure as hell isn't a scroll of meteor swarm.
3363.Disintegrate isn't the answer to all the world's problems.
3364.Disintegrate is not a substitute for the disable device skill.
3365.Nor is it a substitute for the open lock skill.
3366.I am not to bypass important role-playing encounters by sneaking round the back and disintegrating my way in.
3367.Nor am I to bypass entire dungeon floors by disintegrating a hole in the floor/ceiling.
3368.In fact, I am never to play a character who is capable of casting disintegrate ever again.
3369.Foiling the DM's cunning, inescapable, instant death trap with a level 1 spell may be fair play, but reminding him of it every time I see him for the next month is in poor taste.
3370.Insisting the DM roll his d20 in view of the players so I can keep a tally as proof his dice hate me is in poor taste.
3371.Dragons are not a taxi service.
3372.Just because the Balor is grappling me does not mean he needs a hug.
3373.If I cannot keep a straight face when describing my course of action, I am not allowed to do it.
3374.Objects one or more size categories larger than my character never count as a light load, no matter what my strength score is.
3375.I will refrain from dismissing my feather fall spell just to "speed things up a little".
3376.The sense motive skill cannot be used on inanimate objects.
3377.If I do six times the NPC's max hit points in one hit, I am to assume they are dead.
3378.Especially if I specified "I power attack them as hard as I can in the head".
3379.Even if it is technically non-lethal damage.
3380.I will refrain from spiking everyone's drinks with holy water on the off-chance we have a vampire in our midst.
3381.Groping attractive women is not an acceptable form of greeting where I come from.
3382.I may not create tornadoes indoors.
3383.I will not start a cult that worships chickens as gods, no matter how well I can justify the logic behind it.
3384.I am not to stand watch all night for three nights in a row, and then deliberately fail my save to stay awake just for kicks.
3385.I cannot use a bluff check to deny someone their saving throw, no matter what the rules say.
3386.This goes double if I'm the DM.
3387.I will never play a naked female half-orc barbarian prostitute ever again.
3388.I am not to play a wyrmling dragon just so I can see if I can get the other characters to read me a bedtime story.
3389.In fact, I will never play a character with an age in the single digits ever again.
3390.In the future, I will refrain from playing characters who do not have a single language in common with the rest of the party.
3391.If I am to insist on keeping the fact that my character speaks common a secret, I deserve everything that happens to me when I am eventually found out.
3392.The dungeon master smiling is not my cue to reach for a new character sheet.
3393.I will not play a cleric of a deity for whom I could use any part of my own anatomy as an improvised holy symbol.
3394.In the future, I will identify magic items before using them on other party members.
3395.I will never, EVER have such an in-depth discussion of kobold sexuality ever again. It creeps the other players out.
3396.It is generally assumed that humans and kobolds cannot breed together. There is no need for me to conduct experiments to make sure.
3397.Not even in the name of Science.
3398.I will never again talk the other players into playing a party composed entirely of bards.
3399.I will not kill then reincarnate other PCs just because I have a problem with their race.
3400.I may not hide behind the wizard at the sight of a single CR 1/3 skeleton just because my character is morbidly afraid of undead.
3401.This goes double if I'm the tank.
3402.Dragons are not "basically giant scaly cats". As such, they cannot be placated by scratching them behind the ear.
3403.I will not derail the entire campaign by starting the quest for the ultimate beer.
3404.Pleading innocence by virtue of "they had it coming to them" is generally not an effective defence.
3405.Operating under an alias for the entire campaign just to throw anyone trying to scry me is considered overly paranoid. It won't work anyway.
3406.I must be capable of both spelling and pronouncing my character's name.
3407.I must be capable of remembering it, too.
3408."Things I don't like" is not a valid choice of favoured enemy.
3409.Purposely choosing my favoured enemies to match the other PCs may be technically legal, but it is considered to be in poor taste.
3410.I may not sass the gods.
3411.Especially to their faces.
3412.There is no such thing as the elemental plane of beer.
3413."Pop tart" is not a playable race.
3414.Neither I nor any character I play is allowed within 100 feet of anything with an alcohol content any more.
3415.The next time the dungeon master disallows a combat manoeuvre, I am to accept his judgement. Not attempt to prove it can be done by demonstrating it on him.

[Winged One]

3216. An artificer is expected to put ranks into Use Magic Device.
3217. I am to make sure that the elf is the only one with a spell that can deal with something before I use it as an excuse to say "shut up and fix that" to him.
3218. I will not cause rule 104 to no longer be true when playing an artificer.
3219. In the continuing saga, "whoops" is not a sufficient appology when the BBEG kills us with the sword I broke rule 3518 with.
3220. I will not sell the elf's soul to Asmodeus. For one thing, he's probably still mad at me about that one time I called him a tan'ari.
3221. NO, that doesn't mean I should sell his soul to a different archdevil!
3222. I will not sell any part of the elf to Glasya.

[Green Bean]

3416. An artificer is expected to put ranks into Use Magic Device.
3517. I am to make sure that the elf is the only one with a spell that can deal with something before I use it as an excuse to say "shut up and fix that" to him.
3518. I will not cause rule 104 to no longer be true when playing an artificer.
3519. In the continuing saga, "whoops" is not a sufficient appology when the BBEG kills us with the sword I broke rule 3517 with.
3520. I will not sell the elf's soul to Asmodeus. For one thing, he's probably still mad at me about that one time I called him a tan'ari.
3321. NO, that doesn't mean I should sell his soul to a different archdevil!
3322. I will not sell any part of the elf to Glasya.

You should probably check your numbering...

[Winged One]

I did, thank you.

[J_Muller]

3521: I cannot heal someone by casting Polymorph Other and turning them into themselves.
3522: I cannot bring someone back from near-death by polymorphing them into something else, then back into themselves again.
3523: I may not polymorph the other PCs into a different gender without their knowledge and consent.
3524: I may not base characters off characters from Stargate SG-I.
3525: Even if it's spelled with only one L.

[Scorpina]

3525: My race is not 'Other'.
3526: Nor is my class.
3527: Nor is my gender.
3528: There is no such thing as a 'were-virgin'.

[J_Muller]

Ah, yes, I almost forgot this one:

3529: I may not use Polymorph Other on someone to restore their virginity.

[Cheashire]

3530. I am not allowed to play a gnome artificer.
3531. If hell froze over and I WAS allowed to play one, I certainly could not make a small gun that shoots live pigs at my enemies.
3532. ...or condoms that work like Chinese Finger Traps.
3533. ...or a giant metal chicken that I could ride (dubbed the 'Robocobo' by my fiance)
3534. ...or Voltron.

[The Orange Zergling]

Ah, yes, I almost forgot this one:

3529: I may not use Polymorph Other on someone to restore their virginity.

3529b: Or to cause someone to lose their virginity.

[Sam de Cheese]

3535. I may not send my pet or minion for pizza
3536. the above applys to any other takeaway meal

[MrNexx]

3521: I cannot heal someone by casting Polymorph Other and turning them into themselves.

Ever read "The Elvenbane" by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey? That's precisely how dragons in that universe fast-heal... they're able to control their shape, and while it hurts like Hel, they can solve the physical part of healing by shifting into an undamaged form.

3522: I cannot bring someone back from near-death by polymorphing them into something else, then back into themselves again.

Why on Earth NOT? The polymorph spell has the side-effect of healing you one day's rest worth of HP per change (or something similar), does it not? That would give them several HP if they were of advanced level. You're presumably NOT going to polymorph them into a form with a big hole in its stomach.

It sounds like you're using one of the least abusive applications of polymorph intelligently, and someone's getting pissy.

[Cheashire]

3535. I may not send my pet or minion for pizza
3536. the above applys to any other takeaway meal

Aww...what's the point of the leadership feat then?

[Just Alex]

Aww...what's the point of the leadership feat then?

Material Component for Animate Dead.
Duh

[ExHunterEmerald]

Staffing your (airship crew, army's ranks, castle's servers, etc).

[Artanis]

Staffing your (airship crew, army's ranks, castle's servers, etc).

...or building the ship

[CrazedGoblin]

3537: i shall not have a headache while being a DM as it causes the appearances of such creatures such as owlbears....

[J_Muller]

Ever read "The Elvenbane" by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey? That's precisely how dragons in that universe fast-heal... they're able to control their shape, and while it hurts like Hel, they can solve the physical part of healing by shifting into an undamaged form.

No, I've never read it, but it sounds interesting.

Why on Earth NOT? The polymorph spell has the side-effect of healing you one day's rest worth of HP per change (or something similar), does it not? That would give them several HP if they were of advanced level. You're presumably NOT going to polymorph them into a form with a big hole in its stomach.

It sounds like you're using one of the least abusive applications of polymorph intelligently, and someone's getting pissy.

I've never actually done that, but I meant from 1-->full. It seemed to me to be a sneaky way to fully heal someone without using healing spells at all.

But now that you mention it, for lesser healing jobs, that wouldn't be a bad idea.

[Maxymiuk]

3538 If your statement renders the GM speechless for the next few minutes, it's safe to assume that once he speaks, the answer will be "No!"

[Cheashire]

Material Component for Animate Dead.
Duh

Only if the dead then fetch me a pizza. Otherwise...total waste.