Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[Thiel]

This might also have somthing to do with it

[Kushaki]

This is a few things that I and a few of my friends have pulled in game with usually akward results.


932: BBEG does not mean big breasted exotic girl

933: I am no longer allowed to play fighters with an int score below 8

934: There are no bahumet squeaky toys

935: There is no spell named Evard's invading tentacles

936: ... Nor may I make the spell

937: I am not allowed to make other characters my mount if I am a paladin even if they can be ridden.

938: I am not allowed within the proximity of orphanages anymore.

939: Especially if I am a dark elf.

940: That goes triple if I am being chased by town’s guards and happen to have rope, oil, and my darkness spell like ability at hand.

941: I am no longer allowed to name my weapons.

942: I am no longer allowed to come withing 2 miles of a staff of power.

943: Nor am I allowed to give alcohol to minors.

944: Then use a intimidate check to make them drink it.

945: Or use a heal check to perform surgery on them to stop alcohol poisoning.

946: Then put them in a barrel.

947: I am not allowed to play a pair of shocker lizards wired to a 12 volt battery.

948: I am banned from using color spray in moving vehicles.

949: The Tibbit is not a last resort food supply.

950: I am no longer allowed to sacrifice party members to dark powers to meet prerqes for feets.

951: There is no such move as double fisted monkey punch.

952: I am not allowed to use the Twinkie defense.

953: I may not use (unarmed strike) to attack with my genitals.

954: Nor may I use it to make a hip thrust attack.

955: I am no longer allowed to use speedy undress on the BBEG.

956: I cannot cast light on people’s eyelids.

957: I cannot use favored enemy ability to determine the sex of dragons anymore.

958: Nor can I call shot the dragon’s testicles.

959: I am no longer allowed near towns that have no less than 10,000 people with high level NPC’s in the area if I am evil.

96: There is no spell summon anvil.

960: There is no feat (exotic weapon proficiency cart)

961: There is no feat (exotic weapon proficiency livestock)

962: There is no magic item the cod piece of warming +3.

963: I cannot gain XP by killing other party members with fireball even if it is by accident.

964: There is no such thing as a gnomish bat hook.

965: I am no longer allowed to give deities alcohol addictions.

966: I am not allowed to make a cat launcher.

967: No more discussions about anus shades.

968: I am not have my cat familiar try to mate with the Tibbit to get kitty’s.

969: There is Jeff god of biscuits.

970: The storm troopers are not all British actors.

[Magnus_Samma]

971: Nobody really needs to think about what particular monstrous races' genitals might look like. Most of the players don't even know what cloaca are.

972: Although interesting, it is not necessary to specify how large the female PC's boobs are.

973: No gnomes. Ever. No, not even then.

974: The DM is not allowed to use his personal "annoyance CR" scale to choose what monsters to use for random encounters ever again.

975: The DM also needs to brush up on the rules about readied action before the rogue gets bitten in the face by a giant spider again.

976: In fact, the DM should probably avoid giant spiders altogether.

977: If you intentionally insult the paladin, you should be prepared for the paladin to pull the stick out and shove it in your eye.

978: PCs can't be mute.

979: Don't take the names of the lords of hell in vain.

980: There is no such thing as a "Dwarven Chippendales." Everyone roll a sanity check.

[Kushaki]

981 Gnome isn't used for baking

982 I can no longer make sunder fighters.

[Owan]

983 - Never again will I attempt to devise the epic spell "Nuke from Orbit".

[Atreyu the Masked LLama]

984- I will not use "summon monster spells to call forth creatures simply to dance for my amusement. Even if I'm bored and on watch."

[Viscount Einstrauss]

985- Thou shalt not kill. And then use several bluff and disguise checks to blame another player and get them beaten by an angry mob and thrown in prison. Regardless of how much fun you're having watching that player's face while it happens.

[Hurlbut]

986- I am not allowed to take any damage boosting feats ever again, especially when I'm using greatsword wielding barbarian even if I never used rages or use the PHB2 variant.

True story, I always seem to end encounters TOO quickly with just my character alone even with 4-5 others in the party. It was freak chances that I almost got a critical hit EVERY encounter that end the fight. (Beheaded minotuar, cleaving a dragonell in half from top to bottom, chopped a Grey Reaver in half from waist to waist, and so on) I was ABOUT to consider taking Leap Attack until DM consulted with me about that my barbarian was dishing too much damage. You know the saddest thing about my character? His Berserk rage only went off ONCE in that campaign.

[ClericofPhwarrr]

987-I am not allowed to get within 20ft of any sort of catapult ever again. For any reason.

988-I am not allowed to summon an earth elemental in the air right above the BBEG. (See this thread: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30269)

[Everyman]

989. PCs will not refer to a female werewolf's lunar period as her "time of the month".

990. Even if she is a paticularly angry barbarian.

991. To claim that women are "things" in your inventory is to invite the wrath of said werewolf, as well as the real wrath of the women at the gaming table.

992. As a DM, I will never assume that because there is no reason to involve random NPC 1 in the plot, that random NPC 1 will not end up in the plot for a while.

993. Or sleeping with my fiance's character.

994. PCs are no longer allowed to drop the eyes of creatures with a petrifiying gaze into random liquids to make "viagra potion"

995. Nor will it be attempted with a clever use of the "iron wood" spell.

996. In fact, the idea of a "viagra potion" will never be mentioned again.

[beholder]

True ones about me (varies depending on DM or if I'm DMing)

x4)as an assassin I can no longer say "hi" and then just stare at someone for 18 seconds
.

that had me laughing for about 5 minutes

[Drascin]

463. I will not play an environmentalist and then try to justify to the DM why burning down the forest is okay

Why not? Sometimes, burning down the forest is good. And I'm not even joking :P.

Aaanyway, playing a druid right now, so a few directly from last two sessions:

996- Throwing party members into glowing, highly-carcinogen-looking substances just to see what happens is a no-go.
997- I will not again create genetic aberrations against nature, for any reason.
998- ...nor use them as mounts and fair show
999- ...especially since I'm a druid ^^u
1000- I'm not supposed to "cast brambles on the stick up the damn paladin's ass"
1001- ...or introduce said stick previously, when not found
1002- Leaving dismembered, half devoured corpses at an inn's room is usually frowned upon
1003- Even if I polimorph into a giant lizard and cast animal growth on myself, I do not get the ability to breathe radiactive fire
1004- ...and no, Waterdeep is not Tokyo, for that matter
1005- My pet fleshraker will not have a diet composed of "only the best parts of homeless orphans"
1006- ...even if he seems to like it.
1007- Having 9 ranks in Knowledge:Nature does not allow me to manufacture plant-based hallucinogens
1008- I will not summon a dozen badgers and try to have the awakened solely to try and create the real version of the "Badgerbadger" flash.

[Everyman]

*Psst*
Drascin? Your numbers are off by one. Just thought I'd let you know.

[Jade_Tarem]

1010: 2-20 (Anyone remember this? I might get banned...)
1011: Only allowed to kill so many catgirls per session.
1012: The body of war spell does not make me a mechwarrior.
1013: Not allowed to create a female fire elemental for the purpose of being the hottest chick in the world.
1014: Not allowed to make a male one either, now that I mentioned it...
1015: As the human wizard in a party of gnomes and dwarves, I'm not allowed to hang a sign around my neck that reads "you must be this tall to ride" before we teleport.
1016: Not allowed to name wands of sleep after OTC drugs.
1017: Not allowed to name wands of enlargement after... other... drugs.
1018: Even if gargantuan sized and a treant, my character is not the jolly green giant.
1019: Not allowed to put a ray attack through a sequence of lenses to multiply it thirty times.
1020: Any command to my animal companion that sounds reminiscent of Pokemon will bring down DM smiting.
1021: No matter how the DM describes the paladin's color choices and decor, I am not allowed to start singing "Lancelot" from Spamalot.
1022: Not allowed to do any impressions of Imoen from Baldur's Gate.

[MrNexx]

1011: Not allowed to create a female fire elemental for the purpose of being the hottest chick in the world.
1012: Not allowed to make a male one either, now that I mentioned it...

Was tempted to make a Burster in Rifts with a high PB and a t-shirt that said "In case of Stares, use fire."

811. All future clerics are henceforth banned from selecting as their patron deity the Great Polyhedra in the Sky, even if it is their sincere belief that the Great Polyhedra in the Sky determine the nature, qualities and destiny of everything in existence.

One of my players wants to form, in game, the Cult of Gygax.

[JaronK]

From Shadowrun:

1123: I am not allowed to take Bludgeoning Weapons specialized to (Municiple Property) or (Metahuman bodyparts).

JaronK

[Quincunx]

1124: No mixing gelatin powder into the water elemental.
1125: No inserting stink bombs into the air elemental.
1126: No toasting marshmallows over the fire elemental.
1127: No planting seeds and Quick-Gro fertilizer into the earth elemental.
1128: No decapitating the main tank when he gets charmed "for the safety of the party".
1128a: Yelling "w00t, free XP" when a member of the party gets charmed is in poor taste.
1129: If Weird Al Yankovic "Dare to be Stupid" is your fight song, rethink your strategy.

[Neek]

Oh wow. This is funnier than a barrel of monkeys.

1130. Coffee cups are not weapons.
1131. Even if they are, they cannot be used as anti-vehicle weapons. I don't care what your Strength is.
1132. Change Object cannot be used to change the Death Knight's helmet into a pink frilly heart-shaped pillow.
1133. Do not make the Death Knight cry. Plz. :(
1134. Throwing a dwarf up at a giant is not considered "air assult."
1135. Throwing the aforementioned dwarf down on a giant is not considered "death from above."
1136. One is not permitted to jump off tree branches and cream "Lalalalala!" like Xena.
1137. If your arm is servered and you were wearing a +1 ring, your arm is not considered a magical weapon.
1138. You may not use your servered arm to bludgeon a dragon to death.
1139. Do not grope any part of a Living Wall. Ever.
1140. Anuses are not dimensional doors.
1141. Forcing someone to deepthroat your lightsaber and then turning it on warrants at least 1 Dark Side point.
1142. No droid has a pleasure port. Not even as an after-market mod.
1143. No coffin can have a pleasure port; even if you have Viscissitude. Even if it's alive.
1144. The octopus is not a mount. You may not ride the octopus.

[Thiel]

1145. Referring to Paranoia Agent is prohibited. (Unless playing Paranoia or Call of Cthulu)

[Avicenex]

1146. I am not allowed to kill the paladin in her sleep.
1147. ...Even if she did give me the nickname "puppy" while I was temporarily a wolf.
1148. We are no longer allowed to cut up and take with us the black dragon we just killed "because its valuable."
1149. When the giant mosquito is flying away with a party-member's blood, it is in poor taste to pop the mosquito with an arrow, causing said party-member's blood to go everywhere.
1150. It is in even worse taste to tell that party member they'll "get it back someday"

[Nahal]

I broke that one in a Cthulu game last weekend

For the record, Mi-go bio-weapons don't mesh well with human biology.

I came up with that rule after stabbing a downed opponent with a 2000-year-old metal blade was part of a Nazi dagger only to discover that it heals whoever it pierces. We later deduced that it was the blade from the Holy Lance. After the session I also realized that using it at all is a bad idea (due to space-time and probablity issues), and must only be used in situation where the person MUST be magically healed (i.e. a PC/crucial NPC is on the verge of death or just past it).

Also, someone please expain what you all mean by catgirls in a gaming context (besides the obvious)?

[Winged One]

Also, someone please expain what you all mean by catgirls in a gaming context (besides the obvious)?

[Turcano]

I don't understand how that's supposed to be a discouragement.

[ClericofPhwarrr]

1151. I am not allowed to cast a permanancy spell with "reduce person" on that annoying non-spellcasting halfling PC to force him into the "Tiny" size category. (Which is about as big as a house cat.)

1152. ...even if I do, the DM can't insist that his player speak in a high-pitched voice for the rest of the campaign.

1153. ...and I cannot challenge him to a footrace, knowing that my base speed is now twice his.

1154. I am not allowed to say the phrase, "Gnome... it's what's for dinner."

[Dark]

Note that if the catgirl rule is true, then it is part of real physics. This means that every time you bring up the catgirl rule in a discussion about a fantasy story, God kills a catgirl.

[Artanis]

1155- When confronted with a puzzle that involves getting around a six-hour wait in line to get across a bridge, I'm not allowed to simply walk along the bottom of the bridge.

[Neek]

1154. I am not allowed to say the phrase, "Gnome... it's what's for dinner."

Which reminds me,

1156. Kender is not a staple for my diet.

[Zonac]

Most of this stuff I've never done, but this is for future reference.

1157. I am not allowed to start with 5 flasks of oil, a bunch of cloth, a torch, arrows, and a bow.
1157a. Especially if I have any bow related feats.
1158. I may not have a bard who can sing any/all demonic songs backwards.
1158a. Especially if the words in said song pronounced backwards are innappropiate.
1159. I may not be the group's rogue or barbarian.
1159a. Especially if I multiclass to be both.
1160. I may not mention anything about gnomes or dwarves.
1160a. Especially when it has to do with a fat chick.
1161. I may not be the groups cleric.
1162. I may not "gaurd" the groups items.
1162a. Especially their weapons/spellbooks.
1163. I will not blame the disappearance of the group's items on the rogue.
1163a. Especially when I took them.
1164. I will not have a bag of holding and a portable with me.
1164a. Especially when I know how to use them together.
1164b. Even more so if I intend to use it.
1164c. Double that for evil intentions.
1164d. And finally, I will not use it after I already got what I wanted from them.
1165. I may not play a gnome just to weild myself.
1165a. I especially may not use myself as a double weapon.

That's all I can think of right now, but there shall be more.

[Mauril Everleaf]

1166) even though half-orcs have an orc parent, and half-elves have a elf parent, i cannot assume that halflings have a ling parent
1167) no i cannot play a ling
1168) when playing with my dm's variant of warlock (who gets pretty much infinite mana power in cities) i cannot obliterate the gypsy wagon with 32d8 of anti-matter damage
1169) even if im chaotic good and the bad guy just went in to see the fortune teller
1170) now that i mention it, im not allowed to play a chaotic warlock ever
1171) just because the rules allow it does not mean that i should do it
1172) just because the rules dont disallow it doesnt mean that i should do it
1173) nuking the theif with my mana burn just because im about to get a refill is considered bad form
1174) you cannot use the spell "create food and water" as an offensive spell
1175) mocking the dm for his broken rules, then using them against him, often results in encounters way out of our cr
1176) this usually pisses off players
1177) defeating them ususally pisses off the dm even more

[ExHunterEmerald]

1178) The paladin is to stop removing his armor.
1178a) We're not cleaning you off the wall again.
1179) Don't spoil another party members' character twist just because you figured it out.
1180) Or mock the players that haven't caught it yet.
1181) Quoting pop-fantasy novels is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1182) Playing a mute character is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1183) Bothering the DM is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1184) We have not always been at war with Eurasia.
1185) We do not salute big Brother, and he is not watching you.
1186) He is running you. And you give him pizza as tribute.