Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Cyber Punk]

Spoiler: reply to health stuff

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I think self treating is the real bad idea. Self diagnosing on the internet can mostly lead to needless worries (Ahhh, what if my headache is actually a brain tumor?) and pointless arguments with a doctor (But Doctor, shouldn't I get my brain scanned to make sure it is not a tumor?).
Except in cases like yours where the medical experts failed for whatever reasons.

I found it quite baffling that you were never tested for those. A deficiency in Vitamin D or B would have been among my prime suspects when someone is tired all the time.

Spoiler: Another reply to health stuff

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I'll give my two cents.

For a long while I struggled with depression (I still take meds for it), and I can tell you that while googling symptoms let me know what was wrong, it also made my symptoms worse.

Oh, look, symptoms say that I'm manic-depressive! Oh, look, it also says schizophrenia is a symptom. What if I'm schizo? *cue exhibiting symptoms of schizophrenia*

On the other hand, it's useful to know what to do when something's wrong. A few days ago, I had a really bad pain in my diaphragm, and I was home alone. I googled symptoms, Yahoo! Answers said to roll on my sides with my legs bent. I tried it and the pain dissipated.

[dehro]

There are plenty of stories of correct diagnosis reached through consulting the Internet after months of pointless testing and generic reassurances from well meaning GPs.
To name one, my dad's wife suffers from addisons disease and was diagnosed after a long run of pointless testing. They caught her just in time before it became something worse. Since then she's set up the national association of Addison patients... She's heard plenty of horror stories about people who had to resort to the website she set up to finally request their doctors test them for the right thing and figure out what was wrong with them... Simply because the illness isn't well known. Easy to pin down once you know what to look for, but until then quite a mistery, even for your average GP.
So there is something to be said for doing your research on the Internet,
Conversely, I have suffered, for the last weeks, of pain in my wrists, which has extended now to my ankles and knees, with pulsating sensation in my hands and feet.
As I write, I'm about to go get a blood test done after speaking with my GP. I made the mistake of looking it up on the Internet, yesterday.
It turns out it could be anything from a bit of a rheumatic pain, to rheumatoid arthritis, to the initial stage of als...
So... Not a very placid notion to go to sleep with, yesterday.

[Chen]

Seems like you should try the self-diagnosis route only after you've tried the actual medical professional route. If they can't figure out what's wrong and you still have symptoms, it can't hurt to TRY and figure it out yourself. The warnings against self-diagnosis is when you do it FIRST and don't bother with the whole "consulting doctors" step before.

[Cyber Punk]

A woe of my own:

Spoiler: Student Project Woes

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I have a project that is due in a few days. It's an architectural assignment, I got stuck and my work started looking like crap. The internet isn't turning up any solutions on how to model trussed roofs by hand and have the components be straight. Help?

[Marcivo]

Wow. How long has it been? I've looked back into the archive, and I realize I have a few people I'm far overdue on responses to. I hope they can wait a little longer.

Spoiler: Why would you do that

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After the events of the last year, from my father passing away due to liver cancer in January, I've had a major change of heart. I'm so angry. I need to fight back. Space science is no longer fulfilling. Even though I'm so close to my PhD, I just can't focus on plasma physics anymore. I feel a greater challenge ahead. And this time, it's personal.

I've decided to apply to medical school.

Which is why I spent my usual Thursday afternoon off at the university, reviewing biochem for the MCAT. It was incredible and revitalizing. I never knew that a single study session could restore my resolve, everything I've struggled to achieve up until now coalescing into a white-hot bead of pure purpose.

And then I came home around 4 o'clock. The front door was wide open. Someone had broken into my house while I was gone, and they'd kicked the front door out of its frame.

Everything I owned that had any value is missing - my laptop, my cameras, the ukulele I had made custom at the Collings factory in Austin. Except, strangely, for the computer that I'm writing this post on, the thieves made off with everything my father left me when he died. They even took his urn from my desk. Why on earth would you steal someone's ashes?

I lost my father's remains and over ten-thousand dollars of my most precious belongings. I'm utterly speechless. My violin, which I'm still paying off until April, which I purchased to cope with his terminal illness, disappeared, but whoever took it left the protective hardshell case behind. Even if I get it back, unless it was handled with utmost care, I know it's unlikely to be in playable condition.

People are monsters.

[Alent]

Wow. How long has it been? I've looked back into the archive, and I realize I have a few people I'm far overdue on responses to. I hope they can wait a little longer.

Spoiler: Why would you do that

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After the events of the last year, from my father passing away due to liver cancer in January, I've had a major change of heart. I'm so angry. I need to fight back. Space science is no longer fulfilling. Even though I'm so close to my PhD, I just can't focus on plasma physics anymore. I feel a greater challenge ahead. And this time, it's personal.

I've decided to apply to medical school.

Which is why I spent my usual Thursday afternoon off at the university, reviewing biochem for the MCAT. It was incredible and revitalizing. I never knew that a single study session could restore my resolve, everything I've struggled to achieve up until now coalescing into a white-hot bead of pure purpose.

And then I came home around 4 o'clock. The front door was wide open. Someone had broken into my house while I was gone, and they'd kicked the front door out of its frame.

Everything I owned that had any value is missing - my laptop, my cameras, the ukulele I had made custom at the Collings factory in Austin. Except, strangely, for the computer that I'm writing this post on, the thieves made off with everything my father left me when he died. They even took his urn from my desk. Why on earth would you steal someone's ashes?

I lost my father's remains and over ten-thousand dollars of my most precious belongings. I'm utterly speechless. My violin, which I'm still paying off until April, which I purchased to cope with his terminal illness, disappeared, but whoever took it left the protective hardshell case behind. Even if I get it back, unless it was handled with utmost care, I know it's unlikely to be in playable condition.

People are monsters.

Spoiler

Show

That sucks, man. Here's hoping you get your stuff back, don't let this stifle your resolve.

I assume you've filed a formal police report, if not do so ASAP, and with as thorough of a list of what's been taken as possible. Hopefully some of them have serial numbers or identifying marks you can provide. If you still have the original box or sales information for the laptop or cameras, get it out because it usually has serial numbers. Given it was a custom, maybe the Ukelele has some good identifying marks that you can get records of from the factory?

While I'm not sure about the items of value you didn't mention, the few you did sound reminiscent of a theft committed by someone after cash for drugs: Easily carried items of value, things that can be pawned or sold for recycling, etc. Metal goods like urns and statues are king for druggies because they tend to have good weight and sell well to recycling centers. Things that don't get recycled usually get pawned somewhere near where the thief lives.

If you can provide some serial numbers, the police (at least in the US, you mentioned Austin, so I'm assuming you're in the US) publish a list of stolen property to the pawnshop owners that gets checked fairly well. Laptops that get pawned have a good chance of coming back if you can provide serial numbers and such. In the event that one of your items turns up on the list, everything pawned along with it gets pulled for review.

Should you take matters into your own hands and go to pawnshops looking for your stuff, there's a few things to keep in mind.

First and most important, do not tell the pawnshop staff that you're looking for stolen property, what was stolen, or even mention that you were robbed. If a pawnshop's staff is aware that something is stolen when someone brings it in to pawn it, they cannot accept it and you will miss the opportunity to get it back. (Good pawnshop staff will actually stop you and explain this should you try to tell them about what was stolen.)

Next, if you actually find one of your stolen things, immediately contact the officer you reported the theft to first, tell him what you've found and ask him what to do. Laws for how to handle this step will vary from region to region, but the officer working your case will know the right thing to do and the correct procedures.

Lastly, if any of your stuff is found, be aware that it could end up in an evidence locker for months and that you'll need to check in periodically to find out what the status is.

Best of luck, man, the odds aren't good here.

[Astrella]

So my mom’s been yelling at me and my dad all morning, slamming stuff and throwing things. Dad’s gone now but she’s attacked me a bunch over borrowing money to my friends, said I wasted my life, threatened to not let my dog inside in this heat to punish me, threatened suicide, went on a whole tirade how I have no respect for her, and repeated how I wasted her life when I came out as trans (and apparently my grandmother’s life too…)

I hate myself so much for being trans and failing uni.

More yelling and slamming stuff, she tore up the mail and threw and stepped on a bunch of potatoes in the kitchen floor, I don’t know what to do… most of the stuff about our house and her life that's she's upset about is legitimate but I'm just so terrified of her and she doesn't want to listen anyway when I try to help.

[dehro]

Sounds like she needs professional help. Get your father and/or anybody else who has any sort of influence on her to take her to counselling. By the sound of it this has very little to do with you, and more with her own state of mind, which needs looking into.

[aspi]

So my mom’s been yelling at me and my dad all morning, slamming stuff and throwing things. Dad’s gone now but she’s attacked me a bunch over borrowing money to my friends, said I wasted my life, threatened to not let my dog inside in this heat to punish me, threatened suicide, went on a whole tirade how I have no respect for her, and repeated how I wasted her life when I came out as trans (and apparently my grandmother’s life too…)

I hate myself so much for being trans and failing uni.

More yelling and slamming stuff, she tore up the mail and threw and stepped on a bunch of potatoes in the kitchen floor, I don’t know what to do… most of the stuff about our house and her life that's she's upset about is legitimate but I'm just so terrified of her and she doesn't want to listen anyway when I try to help.

Hating yourself for something that you did or didn't do or something that you want to change about yourself can be a healthy form of motivation if applied in moderation. Hating yourself for something that you had no choice in, however, is not. Don't hate yourself for being who you are, even if it appears like this is a cause of trouble for you right now. Because it isn't, it's just an excuse that those around you use for other problems, most likely their own.

It sounds to me like your Mom isn't a legitimately bad person (and really, few people are), but rather that you yourself need some space and distance. If you can, try to get out of the house to learn, there have to be libraries you can use. Being finished with university is something that would put you in a position where you could move out, correct? Maybe you can try to use this as motivation. Even bad situations come to an end and it helps to always keep this in mind. That's the reason why the classic picture of prison cell walls with countings of days is so powerful. Because it helps.

I can't claim to ever have been in a situation like yours. But I had to spend some mandatory time in the armed forces, which I didn't like at all. What I did was to keep track of the time I had already spent there (not the time I had left - this is important). It was rather daunting at first but as time progressed and the amount of days I worked through accumulated, it got better and it really helped me to also perform better. Maybe you can do this for your education. Work out a reasonable plan for your university education to finish and really try to stick to it. Then start counting. Start counting someplace visible (for you) where you can actually see the amount of days piling up until some day it will be all of them and you're done and free. Use something for counting hat you can see and touch, not just a file on a computer. Make the daily addition of another dash or pebble or whatever you use for counting a ritual that gives you confidence. That way, you can transform part of the bad situation your're in into something positive that you can look forward to, so that it helps with your education instead of just adding pressure.

[Skeppio]

Can't go through a single day without wishing I was dead. I'm better off dead anyway, there is absolutely zero possible chance that even one thing in my life will go the way I want. Death is an escape from it all, with no downsides whatsoever.

Not that anyone cares. No-one sees me as anything but a worthless burden (and they'll inevitably push the blame onto me for it).

[Benthesquid]

Can't go through a single day without wishing I was dead. I'm better off dead anyway, there is absolutely zero possible chance that even one thing in my life will go the way I want. Death is an escape from it all, with no downsides whatsoever.

Not that anyone cares. No-one sees me as anything but a worthless burden (and they'll inevitably push the blame onto me for it).

I don't know how you got to that point, but I had my own path there, and I found a way out. One hundred percent, things can get better.

Also, this.

[Skeppio]

I don't know how you got to that point, but I had my own path there, and I found a way out. One hundred percent, things can get better.

Also, this.

There's not always a way out. Just because fortune smiled upon you does not mean it smiles on us all. Things have never once gotten better for me, even things that seemed like an improvement turned out to be nothing but lies and misery.

I've tried everything on that list, most of them several times, and not once has any of it made me feel even a glimmer of happiness. Am I allowed to give up now, or do I have to suffer some more for no reason?

[HalfTangible]

Not that anyone cares. No-one sees me as anything but a worthless burden (and they'll inevitably push the blame onto me for it).

Skeppio. Let's make something very clear here: 'Anyone', 'no-one' and 'they' are not worth your thoughts, time or attention. NO ONE who drives you to suicidal thoughts is worth your time, thoughts or attention. Whatever situation you're in that's causing these thoughts, you need to get out of it asap.

Suicide does not fix any of your problems. At best you get an endless void. That's basically the problem you say you have now (unending misery) but worse. 'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all' as they say >.> And don't even get me started on the various punitive afterlives...

Death is never the answer. It may take a month, it may take decades, but things DO get better.

In my experience the best way to counter feeling worthless is to give yourself a project. It doesn't even need to be anything impressive, just something you want to finish. And then work at it until it's done.

You have friends here, Skep

[Skeppio]

Skeppio. Let's make something very clear here: 'Anyone', 'no-one' and 'they' are not worth your thoughts, time or attention. NO ONE who drives you to suicidal thoughts is worth your time, thoughts or attention. Whatever situation you're in that's causing these thoughts, you need to get out of it asap.

Suicide does not fix any of your problems. At best you get an endless void. That's basically the problem you say you have now (unending misery) but worse. 'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all' as they say >.> And don't even get me started on the various punitive afterlives...

Death is never the answer. It may take a month, it may take decades, but things DO get better.

In my experience the best way to counter feeling worthless is to give yourself a project. It doesn't even need to be anything impressive, just something you want to finish. And then work at it until it's done.

You have friends here, Skep

So they are not worth my thoughts? I'm not worth my own thoughts?

Pain is worse than nothing. Nothing is a perfectly even zero, neither good nor bad. What I feel every day is a deficit, below zero. The endless void of nothing is the most comforting, peaceful and beautiful gift I can hope for. I could finally rest in peace, as they say. Much better than having absolutely nothing to live for as I do now.

If it takes decades, I'm not interested. Nothing is worth decades of misery, torment and ceaseless pain. I've waited long enough and tried everything under the sun to improve my life. It's just not happening. Not everyone gets to have a happy ending. Some of us are just fated to lose the rigged game of life.

I give myself projects all the time. They just add to the misery, since I can never muster up the motivation to complete them. Which doesn't help when it's my damn job that I'm failing so miserably at.

I do not have friends here or anywhere. I will never have friends. Every single person I can reach despises me. If I had friends, or a partner, I wouldn't be so damn miserable. I'm all alone, and it's noyl made worse by people insisting I'm not, lying in the face of cold harsh reality.

[Benthesquid]

Are you looking for permission? I'm not going to give it to you. Like I said- I don't know how you got to where you're at. I can't tell you the way out. But I know that if someone had told me it was all right to let go a couple of years ago, I would have missed out on some of the best experiences of my life.

[Skeppio]

Are you looking for permission? I'm not going to give it to you. Like I said- I don't know how you got to where you're at. I can't tell you the way out. But I know that if someone had told me it was all right to let go a couple of years ago, I would have missed out on some of the best experiences of my life.

Yes, that's right. No-one will give me permission to die. Everyone just guilt trips me so I stay a live and suffer in misery for another day, like you want.

I'll never understand the sick pleasure you normal people get out of watching the "losers" of life suffer.

[HalfTangible]

So they are not worth my thoughts? I'm not worth my own thoughts?

Not what I meant. Skeppio, these feelings you describe seem to be spurred by an outside source.

Pain is worse than nothing. Nothing is a perfectly even zero, neither good nor bad. What I feel every day is a deficit, below zero. The endless void of nothing is the most comforting, peaceful and beautiful gift I can hope for. I could finally rest in peace, as they say. Much better than having absolutely nothing to live for as I do now.

That's just it - at the end you would feel no peace. Depression is an emptiness in your very soul that simply won't go away.

You would have the exact same problem, except you would be completely stuck. And again, that's best-case scenario: depressed for all eternity.

And that's ignoring that whatever happiness you do have would be completely gone.

If it takes decades, I'm not interested. Nothing is worth decades of misery, torment and ceaseless pain. I've waited long enough and tried everything under the sun to improve my life. It's just not happening.

It could also take a year. Or 20 minutes. Point is, it can take a while, but it's worth it.

It took me a little over a decade and even now, those thoughts come back.

Not everyone gets to have a happy ending. Some of us are just fated to lose the rigged game of life.

And you would write that ending now, before you even get through the story?

I give myself projects all the time. They just add to the misery, since I can never muster up the motivation to complete them. Which doesn't help when it's my damn job that I'm failing so miserably at.

I mean a hobby or something that you're passionate about. (I'm writing a book) If it's your job, then you aren't giving yourself the project, someone else is giving it to you.

I do not have friends here or anywhere. I will never have friends.

You. Have. Friends. Here.

Every single person I can reach despises me. If I had friends, or a partner, I wouldn't be so damn miserable. I'm all alone, and it's noyl made worse by people insisting I'm not, lying in the face of cold harsh reality.

If you're alone, then how do you have people around you that insist you're not alone? Those two things are mutually exclusive.

Yes, that's right. No-one will give me permission to die. Everyone just guilt trips me so I stay a live and suffer in misery for another day, like you want.

I'll never understand the sick pleasure you normal people get out of watching the "losers" of life suffer.

No one gets pleasure out of watching people suffer.

A lot of people have been in your exact position, Skep, myself included. We want you to hold on because we know from experience that it gets better.

[Skeppio]

Not what I meant. Skeppio, these feelings you describe seem to be spurred by an outside source.

That outside source is "literally everybody". Good luck functioning in a world where you're ignoring every other human being in existence.

That's just it - at the end you would feel no peace. Depression is an emptiness in your very soul that simply won't go away.

You would have the exact same problem, except you would be completely stuck. And again, that's best-case scenario: depressed for all eternity.

And that's ignoring that whatever happiness you do have would be completely gone.

No, I would never feel depression again. You can't feel anything when you're dead, and that means no more misery and pain. Only rest. Only peace.

I have no happiness. Never have, never will. I'm not losing anything. I'd be free from the misery, for no cost.

It could also take a year. Or 20 minutes. Point is, it can take a while, but it's worth it.

It took me a little over a decade and even now, those thoughts come back.

I've put up with it for long enough. I'm not going to waste another decade on "maybes". It's not worth the misery and heartache anymore.

And you would write that ending now, before you even get through the story?

I know I'm not going to have a happy life, so why bother with the rest when I already know the ending, and I know it's nothing but more pain? Better to spare myself from any additional misery and end it all now.

I mean a hobby or something that you're passionate about. (I'm writing a book) If it's your job, then you aren't giving yourself the project, someone else is giving it to you.

I have no room for concepts like "passion". There's no reason for me to feel passion for anything but my inevitable suicide. It's all worthless and pointless and it cannot help me in any way.

You. Have. Friends. Here.

No. I. Only. Have. People. Who. Like. To. Guilt. Trip. Me.

If you're alone, then how do you have people around you that insist you're not alone? Those two things are mutually exclusive.

Not the same thing. No-one can ever reach me, nor would anyone want to. And no-one can give me what I need to achieve happiness.

No one gets pleasure out of watching people suffer.

A lot of people have been in your exact position, Skep, myself included. We want you to hold on because we know from experience that it gets better.

Then why do you demand I stay alive? If you feel any compassion for me, you'd understand that if I kill myself, it really is for the best for me.

It got better for you. Emphasis on you, as in not me or anyone else. Just you. Bravo, you won a rigged game. But now you must realise, when the game is rigged, that means someone loses. Like me.

[Mx.Silver]

Can't go through a single day without wishing I was dead. I'm better off dead anyway, there is absolutely zero possible chance that even one thing in my life will go the way I want. Death is an escape from it all, with no downsides whatsoever.

I'm going to take a slightly different tack in answering this. I'm not going to go on the whole 'you have so much to live for/ thing will fix themselves given time' speech, because we both know that would ring hollow even if I was in a position to legitimately make it.
What I am going to focus on it the 'no downsides to death' part. Because you are omitting a very significant factor in that:

You aren't considering what will happen when you try to kill yourself and survive.

That's not surprising; your depression doesn't want you to think about that, because your depression is irrational and will try to avoid being confronted by direct reason at all costs. But the thing is, surviving a suicide attempt is very likely to happen. That's just simple statistics.
Suicide is only called 'the easy way out' by people who have never attempted it; because the reality of the matter is that it is not at all an easy process. It is definitely not the clean, peaceful process your depression wants you to think it is.

The survival instinct is hard-wired into every cell in your body; it is going to be fighting all the way. You might think you've got it beaten, but you don't, so the attempt is going to be terrifying. And it's going to hurt. It's probably going to hurt a lot.
And then you won't die.

Then you'll have to deal with the fall-out. The conversations that come after that. Conversations that will be some of the most awkward, downright surreal interactions you'll ever have. People around you are never going to understand why you dying is something to be happy about; why leaving them to scrub your bloodstains off the walls is the lesser evil.

And no, there is not method of suicide that is fool-proof enough to guarantee avoiding this. Those simply do not exist. The more spectacular the method just means it's more likely you'll be having this conversation in a police station or a hospital ward, rather than your own home, and that you're more likely to end-up stuck with a long term or permanent injury.

So if you're going to start weighing-up the options you should really sit down and think about what those actually are. The idea of quick, effective peaceful death is a fantasy. It will not be anything like that simple. Think about it: if the world hasn't given a toss about you up until now, why would it suddenly start working perfectly for you at this point?


Now if your depression wants to try and tell you that I'm just some 'normal person' who just likes watching 'losers' suffer, it can go ahead. I could use the laugh.

Because I've tried to kill myself. Multiple times.

I know what the **** I'm talking about.

Your depression? Those thoughts popping into your head about how dying will be a quick and easy little bit of unpleasantness before you can slip into peaceful oblivion? They don't.
They don't care about facts at all, no matter how much they try to tell you that what you're feeling is a logical conclusion.
It's why your depression is trying really hard to dismiss any arguments against it without addressing them. It's why it's not letting you legitimately consider surviving an attempt a possibility. Because it's irrational, and it doesn't really have an answer beyond screaming and trying to drown things out.

[HalfTangible]

That outside source is "literally everybody".

I sincerely doubt you've met all 7 billion people on this planet. If everyone you know is an *******, find new people to know.

No, I would never feel depression again. You can't feel anything when you're dead, and that means no more misery and pain. Only rest. Only peace.

Depression is defined by many who have gone through it as an inability to feel anything.

'Peace' is a thing you feel, and as you said, you would feel nothing. There would be no peace.

I have no happiness. Never have, never will.

If that were true, you would not be in so much pain.

I'm not losing anything. I'd be free from the misery, for no cost.

Your life is a cost.

I've put up with it for long enough. I'm not going to waste another decade on "maybes". It's not worth the misery and heartache anymore.

For all you know, that decade is almost over. How old are you? I vaguely remember 22?

I know I'm not going to have a happy life, so why bother with the rest when I already know the ending, and I know it's nothing but more pain? Better to spare myself from any additional misery and end it all now.

Because this is the point in the story where the twist happens.

I have no room for concepts like "passion". There's no reason for me to feel passion for anything but my inevitable suicide. It's all worthless and pointless and it cannot help me in any way.

You want to be happy. That means there's room.

No. I. Only. Have. People. Who. Like. To. Guilt. Trip. Me.

You keep saying 'guilt trip' but frankly I don't see that anywhere here. I see people concerned for your life and well-being.

Not the same thing. No-one can ever reach me, nor would anyone want to.

The numerous people trying to convince you not to kill yourself tells me otherwise.

And no-one can give me what I need to achieve happiness.

What do you need?

Then why do you demand I stay alive? If you feel any compassion for me, you'd understand that if I kill myself, it really is for the best for me.

Because death is NOT the best for you. It's not the best for anyone.

It got better for you. Emphasis on you, as in not me or anyone else. Just you. Bravo, you won a rigged game.

I am not the only person to get out of depression. It's not rigged.

But now you must realise, when the game is rigged, that means someone loses. Like me.

That's not how life works (or rigging, for that matter). Me succeeding doesn't mean someone else fails.

[RoyVG]

Can't go through a single day without wishing I was dead. I'm better off dead anyway, there is absolutely zero possible chance that even one thing in my life will go the way I want. Death is an escape from it all, with no downsides whatsoever.

Not that anyone cares. No-one sees me as anything but a worthless burden (and they'll inevitably push the blame onto me for it).

Skeppio, let me ask you a very, very blunt question? What do you hope to achieve by ending it now? Peace? Rest? Salvation? Relief?
Because nothing will come of it if you give up. There will be no rest, there will be no peace, and you will only leave pain and bad memories behind with the people that still love you, even if you think they don't show it. You will have more blood on you hands than just your own.

Life isn't easy, period. Everyone and their mother has moments where they would love to pull the trigger or jump of a bridge, some waaay more than others. But most of these people don't even try because they know there will be another day tomorrow, things can change, and still live a happy life. And even those that did try it, even they can still find things to do and to live for. (With all due respect, I mean no offense, Mr.Silver. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say)

My life is also looking terrible; I'm extremely uncertain about the future. I'm less than a year away from finishing my Master degree, I never worked a day in my life, have no working experience, yet I'm still expected to 'do something' and get a job. My parents are having high hopes for me but are contradicting themselves as well and limiting me in what I am allowed to do, and I'm still expected to 'do the right thing'. I'm slowly but surely losing contact with the few friends I have left, a number which I can already count on only one hand and I can't even get myself to keep those contacts intact, my best friend is moving to the other side of the globe for half a year for his internship and I'm feeling more alone in this world than ever. I'm hopelessly in love with someone while I know full well there is no hope for me because the two of us are so far apart, among other reasons. When I put everything in that perspective, I would also just throw the towel into the ring and just jump of a building. However I'm still walking around, trying to get some joy out of the little things in life.

Look, I'm not trying to assault you, not trying to convince you 'Your problem aren't so bad' because I know they are, otherwise you wouldn't say all of this. I don't know what you are going through, and I won't ask to respect your privacy.

Have a good look at everything that are happening, and take a rational look at these things. Look at them with facts, not with your feelings. You will find positive things and you must use those to pull yourself up from this depression. You don't have to completely get out if this depression, you need to be able to tolerate it. That is what I'm doing right now. Of course I'm hoping for something to shake things up and change everything, but I'm not betting on it to happen.

Don't give up on life, there are still some things that can and will give you joy in life, you just need to find those things.

[Mx.Silver]

(With all due respect, I mean no offense, Mr.Silver. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say)

I really don't think I'm the person you need to be concerned about offending, at the moment.

[Skeppio]

*snip*

You're under the mistaken impression that I haven't thought about what happens if I fail. If anyone questions me, I won't give them answers. If they're going to question me in regards to my own life, they don't have any respect for my choices, and don't deserve anything from me. If I survive, I'll just try again. And if I'm horrifically injured, so be it. That's my punishment for failing to finish the job.

I sincerely doubt you've met all 7 billion people on this planet. If everyone you know is an *******, find new people to know.

I have met every single person that i could possibly be compatible with, in any place I can reach. There is no-one left to meet. I'm too old to make new friends anyway, and forget about being able to find a partner.

Depression is defined by many who have gone through it as an inability to feel anything.

'Peace' is a thing you feel, and as you said, you would feel nothing. There would be no peace.

Not everyone fits into your little pigeon-holes. Depression to me is endless misery and pain, and constant bitter reminders that everyone but you gets to be happy.

Feeling nothing means no more negatives. There's no positives for me to lose. So it's a net gain.

If that were true, you would not be in so much pain.

I have no happiness. But I have plenty of misery. Hence: pain.

Your life is a cost.

No it's not. It's something I don't want anyway. Cost implies it holds some value to me.

For all you know, that decade is almost over. How old are you? I vaguely remember 22?

26.

Because this is the point in the story where the twist happens.

Life isn't a storybook or a movie. Grow up.

You want to be happy. That means there's room.

There's no room there, because I know I will never find happiness.

You keep saying 'guilt trip' but frankly I don't see that anywhere here. I see people concerned for your life and well-being.

The bolded part right there is the guilt trip. No-one ever acknowledges my existence or drops me a line until I'm this miserable, then suddenly you all crawl out of the woodwork to pat yourselves on the back for being so "nice and helpful".

The numerous people trying to convince you not to kill yourself tells me otherwise.

Then where are they all? I look around my room and I don't see anyone here. I AM ALONE. Do you not understand what "alone" means? Text on a screen from random people I barely know does not make me less alone. I will never have anyone HERE, so at the end of the day, I'll always be alone.

What do you need?

Something none of you can ever provide. Something no-one on the planet will ever want to give me.

Because death is NOT the best for you. It's not the best for anyone.

It's for the best for me. The only alternative is more misery and pain.

I am not the only person to get out of depression. It's not rigged.

It's rigged, just not against you. Congrats, you must feel so proud of yourself.

That's not how life works (or rigging, for that matter). Me succeeding doesn't mean someone else fails.

Life is rigged. That's just how it is.

Skeppio, let me ask you a very, very blunt question? What do you hope to achieve by ending it now? Peace? Rest? Salvation? Relief?
Because nothing will come of it if you give up. There will be no rest, there will be no peace, and you will only leave pain and bad memories behind with the people that still love you, even if you think they don't show it. You will have more blood on you hands than just your own.

I hope to achieve all of those. And I know death will give me all of that and more. As for leaving bad memories behind, and "blood on my hands"? I. DON'T. CARE. How others react to my death is not my problem, and if they're going to whinge and sob instead of being glad that I'm finally at peace, then they can be miserable forever. Their stupidity is none of my concern.

Life isn't easy, period. Everyone and their mother has moments where they would love to pull the trigger or jump of a bridge, some waaay more than others. But most of these people don't even try because they know there will be another day tomorrow, things can change, and still live a happy life. And even those that did try it, even they can still find things to do and to live for. (With all due respect, I mean no offense, Mr.Silver. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say)

Life is easy, if you were born to succeed. And those people still have hope because they have friends and support and have had them through their life, something I never had. You take it all for granted, because you're so used to it, you don't seem to understand the idea that not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone has that same support-filled upbringing. You don't realise that things like that stay with you. Someone like me, no matter how hard they try, simply cannot achieve the same as someone who's been cheered on and supported and loved the whole way.

My life is also looking terrible; I'm extremely uncertain about the future. I'm less than a year away from finishing my Master degree, I never worked a day in my life, have no working experience, yet I'm still expected to 'do something' and get a job. My parents are having high hopes for me but are contradicting themselves as well and limiting me in what I am allowed to do, and I'm still expected to 'do the right thing'. I'm slowly but surely losing contact with the few friends I have left, a number which I can already count on only one hand and I can't even get myself to keep those contacts intact, my best friend is moving to the other side of the globe for half a year for his internship and I'm feeling more alone in this world than ever. I'm hopelessly in love with someone while I know full well there is no hope for me because the two of us are so far apart, among other reasons. When I put everything in that perspective, I would also just throw the towel into the ring and just jump of a building. However I'm still walking around, trying to get some joy out of the little things in life.

What if you end up just like me? Then you'll be singing a different tune. Maybe then you'll understand me. But go ahead, be a naive fool. The world will knock you down again and again, just like it does to me.

Look, I'm not trying to assault you, not trying to convince you 'Your problem aren't so bad' because I know they are, otherwise you wouldn't say all of this. I don't know what you are going through, and I won't ask to respect your privacy.

Exactly. You don't know what I'm going through. Otherwise you'd realise that death is the only answer.

Have a good look at everything that are happening, and take a rational look at these things. Look at them with facts, not with your feelings. You will find positive things and you must use those to pull yourself up from this depression. You don't have to completely get out if this depression, you need to be able to tolerate it. That is what I'm doing right now. Of course I'm hoping for something to shake things up and change everything, but I'm not betting on it to happen.

I look at everything in my life, and all I can see is misery, boredom, isolation and failure. There's nothing positive for me to use. No point to me going on, when I can die instead and be free from it all.

Don't give up on life, there are still some things that can and will give you joy in life, you just need to find those things.

There is nothing that will give me joy in life, because the only things that could ever do it are forever beyond my reach.

[RoyVG]

I really don't think I'm the person you need to be concerned about offending, at the moment.

I know but I just wanted to make sure.

I hope to achieve all of those. And I know death will give me all of that and more. As for leaving bad memories behind, and "blood on my hands"? I. DON'T. CARE. How others react to my death is not my problem, and if they're going to whinge and sob instead of being glad that I'm finally at peace, then they can be miserable forever. Their stupidity is none of my concern.

Life is easy, if you were born to succeed. And those people still have hope because they have friends and support and have had them through their life, something I never had. You take it all for granted, because you're so used to it, you don't seem to understand the idea that not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone has that same support-filled upbringing. You don't realise that things like that stay with you. Someone like me, no matter how hard they try, simply cannot achieve the same as someone who's been cheered on and supported and loved the whole way.

There you say it, if you were born to succeed. No one is born to succeed, you have to make yourself succeed. Yes, some will have it a lot easier because of 'reasons', but that doensn't men that it is outside your grasp. I've been fortunate to have had the support that I've gotten, but I've still achieved nothing. I'm not happy with what I have achieved even with all that support and I don't know where this s****y life will take me.

What if you end up just like me? Then you'll be singing a different tune. Maybe then you'll understand me. But go ahead, be a naive fool. The world will knock you down again and again, just like it does to me.

Maybe I will, I don't know. But I know I don't want to end up like that so I try to find what little joy I can hopeless things. Right now the mere thought of meeting this girl I'm in love with is keeping me from thinking in the wrong direction. Who knows, maybe once she turns me down I will feel the urge to end it as well. I already felt like that after my first rejection. I'd rather be a naive fool and die a 'happy' death or at least indifferent, than to die in absolute misery.

Exactly. You don't know what I'm going through. Otherwise you'd realise that death is the only answer.

All I can say is that death is never an answer. It's the poor man's solution. I won't say it's never justified, but the circumstances surrounding it make it so.

I look at everything in my life, and all I can see is misery, boredom, isolation and failure. There's nothing positive for me to use. No point to me going on, when I can die instead and be free from it all.

I still think you are looking through this through your feelings, rather than having a truly rational look at things.

There is nothing that will give me joy in life, because the only things that could ever do it are forever beyond my reach.

Then maybe it's time to move and look somewhere else, somewhere you haven't looked? There's bound to be [i]some[i/] place you haven't looked. It's never too late meet some new friends. People in their 60s and 70s are still looking for friends through various means and such and you are only a third that age

If you want, I'm open to listen to your story over PM, and spare me no details.

[dehro]

I'm gonna be a bit harsher than most.
Get over yourself. You're not special enough for the world at large to hate you.
Are you really convinced that there is nobody in your life who wants anything but the worst for you? I call bull on that, but let's say you're right.
Find some better people to share your life with. And no "everybody out there can only hate my guts/there is nothing but unhappiness in store for me" is a crap argument because it's patently untrue.
Of course, you'll need to do the legwork and put some effort in it, but surely working towards something positive has to be better than sulking and sitting there arguing that people on the Internet are lying to your face when they say they want the best for you.

[Skeppio]

There you say it, if you were born to succeed. No one is born to succeed, you have to make yourself succeed. Yes, some will have it a lot easier because of 'reasons', but that doensn't men that it is outside your grasp. I've been fortunate to have had the support that I've gotten, but I've still achieved nothing. I'm not happy with what I have achieved even with all that support and I don't know where this s****y life will take me.

People are born to succeed. People with good, rich families, lots of friends and support, they will succeed. They can afford to take risks, and they'll be helped back up if they fail. People like me have nothing to help us, and will be trampled and blamed when we fail.

Maybe I will, I don't know. But I know I don't want to end up like that so I try to find what little joy I can hopeless things. Right now the mere thought of meeting this girl I'm in love with is keeping me from thinking in the wrong direction. Who knows, maybe once she turns me down I will feel the urge to end it as well. I already felt like that after my first rejection. I'd rather be a naive fool and die a 'happy' death or at least indifferent, than to die in absolute misery.

You think I wanted to end up like this? If I had any choice in the matter, things would have turned out differently for me. You felt like that after your first rejection? How about your tenth? Or your twentieth? Or the times you thought you had made friends, only for them to backstab you, or for one person to start a rumour about you that caused you to be hated by an entire group? Has all that happened to you? When you get to my level, you'll beg for the mercy of death just like I do every day.

All I can say is that death is never an answer. It's the poor man's solution. I won't say it's never justified, but the circumstances surrounding it make it so.

It's always an answer. It's rarely the best answer, or even a good one, but it's always there. And in my case, I've found one occasion where it's the correct answer.

I still think you are looking through this through your feelings, rather than having a truly rational look at things.

You think wrong. If there was good to be found, I would have found it. I can stare and search until my eyes burn and become bloodshot, but I will not find any good in my life.

Then maybe it's time to move and look somewhere else, somewhere you haven't looked? There's bound to be [i]some[i/] place you haven't looked. It's never too late meet some new friends. People in their 60s and 70s are still looking for friends through various means and such and you are only a third that age

You think I can just fly away to Happyland and find friends? In the real world, there's things like money, time, obligations, etc, that need to be taken into consideration. People in their 60's and 70's can go to any retirement village, RSL club, etc, and find comrades. I'm in the age where you're royally screwed for a long time if you didn't find your place earlier. My formative years are gone (which is where you make your friends and learn necessary social skills that i do not possess. I never got the chance to form friendships and learn those social skills, because I was constantly bullied by the popular kids through my entire childhood and adolescence), but I still have at least half a century before retirement is an option. At least killing myself gives me the choice to opt out of such a cruel, unfair game.

If you want, I'm open to listen to your story over PM, and spare me no details.

There's no point. You won't understand.

I'm gonna be a bit harsher than most.
Get over yourself. You're not special enough for the world at large to hate you.
Are you really convinced that there is nobody in your life who wants anything but the worst for you? I call bull on that, but let's say you're right.
Find some better people to share your life with. And no "everybody out there can only hate my guts/there is nothing but unhappiness in store for me" is a crap argument because it's patently untrue.
Of course, you'll need to do the legwork and put some effort in it, but surely working towards something positive has to be better than sulking and sitting there arguing that people on the Internet are lying to your face when they say they want the best for you.

You know "cruel to be kind" never works, right. It's nothing but a pitiful excuse to try and justify picking on the weak and vulnerable at their worst.
As usual, you act like I've never tried anything. How many times do you think I've tried? Whatever you guessed, it's a lot more than that!
And everybody within my reach hates me, or is indifferent. And those that are indifferent aren't interested in making new friends. I have tried countless times, and not once have I found a single person willing to let me in. The rest are drunken sports fanatics who hate all "nerds" with a ceaselessly burning rage.
And not everyone can just go globetrotting on a whim. Some of us have money issues, time issues, lots of obligations, and a lot more obstacles.

Maybe it's you who needs to get over themselves. I bet you feel so proud of yourself, kicking someone when they're down.

I'll never understand the insane hostility you people have towards anyone who isn't mindlessly smiling every moment of the day. Not everyone can force a smile on their face.

[Mx.Silver]

You're under the mistaken impression that I haven't thought about what happens if I fail.

I'm under the impression you're not treating the possibility of surviving the attempt as seriously as it deserves. Most people don't when they're in the abyss, because all anyone can think about is the exit door, which looks really easy to reach when you're caught up in the fantasy that it's just a quick step and then sleep. For instance, I highly doubt you've seriously considered the (very real) chance that you'll end-up backing out at the last minute - because almost no one ever considers that. Despite it being such a common occurrence that it can't reasonably be left-out of a rational evaluation.

If anyone questions me, I won't give them answers. If they're going to question me in regards to my own life, they don't have any respect for my choices, and don't deserve anything from me. If I survive, I'll just try again.

This is making an awful lot of assumptions about a scenario you don't know about.
You've said elsewhere that life isn't a storybook, and you're right, but the situation this implies you're imagining might as well be from a storybook. The circle of people demanding 'how could you do this to us?' and interrogating the suicidal person shows up in film and on television a lot, but those scenes are usually written by people who've never been involved in a post-attempt conversation. Because it can get rather weirder, and more uncomfortable than that in real life.

The "I'll just try again" thing is something everyone says, before they attempt. It gets followed through much less often than you'd think. Even in cases of people who do go through with it more than once, it's not generally in the 'well, now I know for next time' repeated attempts, each tends to be rather more self-contained.

Note that this is assuming you'll even get much of an opportunity to make a second attempt. Again, that is far from guaranteed.

And if I'm horrifically injured, so be it. That's my punishment for failing to finish the job.

Why does failing an attempt merit punishment?
I'm not doubting your sentiment here, I'm just curious what your reasoning is for this, because it seems a bit incongruous with some of the things you've said so far.

[RoyVG]

People are born to succeed. People with good, rich families, lots of friends and support, they will succeed. They can afford to take risks, and they'll be helped back up if they fail. People like me have nothing to help us, and will be trampled and blamed when we fail.

You think I was born to succeed? My dad picked up garbage for a living and my mother was a cleaning lady in an institute for 'mentally challenged' people to say it nicely. Based on that you think I had a future? I couldn't afford to take risks, all I could do was my best with the things I had. Even the richest, wealthiest, most born-to-succeed people can screw up so bad that they lose everything.

See it as a challenge to overcome and accept that challange, victory can only be sweeter that way and you will have a reason to be proud of yourself. If people blame you for failing something, let them, don't give a rats ass about what other people think, like you are doing right now. when you want to do something good you want other people's opinions and now those don't even care anymore because 'you are not worth investing time in anymore'.

You think I wanted to end up like this? If I had any choice in the matter, things would have turned out differently for me. You felt like that after your first rejection? How about your tenth? Or your twentieth? Or the times you thought you had made friends, only for them to backstab you, or for one person to start a rumour about you that caused you to be hated by an entire group? Has all that happened to you? When you get to my level, you'll beg for the mercy of death just like I do every day.

Of course you didn't want it, that is not what I meant. How I see it is that you simply gave up on trying to make it different.

I'll admit, I used some bad examples. Look, I think of my friends that they are all backstabbing sons of b*****s all day and all night long. And they have proven time and time again that they ARE backstabbing sons of b*****s. Still, every time they ask me to do things together, it still makes me happy because they are the only ones I have, despite what I think of them. If I had given in to those feelings, I would have lost all my friends years ago.

It's always an answer. It's rarely the best answer, or even a good one, but it's always there. And in my case, I've found one occasion where it's the correct answer.

I still don't believe that, but to each their own.

You think wrong. If there was good to be found, I would have found it. I can stare and search until my eyes burn and become bloodshot, but I will not find any good in my life.

You think I can just fly away to Happyland and find friends? In the real world, there's things like money, time, obligations, etc, that need to be taken into consideration. People in their 60's and 70's can go to any retirement village, RSL club, etc, and find comrades. I'm in the age where you're royally screwed for a long time if you didn't find your place earlier. My formative years are gone (which is where you make your friends and learn necessary social skills that i do not possess. I never got the chance to form friendships and learn those social skills, because I was constantly bullied by the popular kids through my entire childhood and adolescence), but I still have at least half a century before retirement is an option. At least killing myself gives me the choice to opt out of such a cruel, unfair game.

We are the same age, and I haven't accomplished much in all those years. I've never had a relationship, I only have a handful of friends, I have a future which I'm starting to dislike more and more every single day. I've failed on nearly all social skills and I'm destined to live a life alone, doing a job I probably won't like, with no one to talk to and nowhere to go besides my own bedroom.

There's no point. You won't understand.

I'd accept the challenge, try me.

You know "cruel to be kind" never works, right. It's nothing but a pitiful excuse to try and justify picking on the weak and vulnerable at their worst.
As usual, you act like I've never tried anything. How many times do you think I've tried? Whatever you guessed, it's a lot more than that!
And everybody within my reach hates me, or is indifferent. And those that are indifferent aren't interested in making new friends. I have tried countless times, and not once have I found a single person willing to let me in. The rest are drunken sports fanatics who hate all "nerds" with a ceaselessly burning rage.
And not everyone can just go globetrotting on a whim. Some of us have money issues, time issues, lots of obligations, and a lot more obstacles.

Maybe it's you who needs to get over themselves. I bet you feel so proud of yourself, kicking someone when they're down.

I'll never understand the insane hostility you people have towards anyone who isn't mindlessly smiling every moment of the day. Not everyone can force a smile on their face.

Sorry to butt in this part of the conversation, but we are not trying to be hostile, we are not picking on you. Being hostile is a lot easier than being helpful. Everyone here is trying to help, but you are dismissing everyone's help. I don't want this to sound hostile, but why did you ask for help in the first place, if you are in no position, willingly or not, to accept this help?

What is it that you want from us? Do you want us to accept you giving up and ending it? Do you want us to give you a reason to continue? Help us so we can help you!

[Skeppio]

I'm under the impression you're not treating the possibility of surviving the attempt as seriously as it deserves. Most people don't when they're in the abyss, because all anyone can think about is the exit door, which looks really easy to reach when you're caught up in the fantasy that it's just a quick step and then sleep. For instance, I highly doubt you've seriously considered the (very real) chance that you'll end-up backing out at the last minute - because almost no one ever considers that. Despite it being such a common occurrence that it can't reasonably be left-out of a rational evaluation.

Because I won't back out. I'm too sick of this rotten, unfair world, to back out.

This is making an awful lot of assumptions about a scenario you don't know about.
You've said elsewhere that life isn't a storybook, and you're right, but the situation this implies you're imagining might as well be from a storybook. The circle of people demanding 'how could you do this to us?' and interrogating the suicidal person shows up in film and on television a lot, but those scenes are usually written by people who've never been involved in a post-attempt conversation. Because it can get rather weirder, and more uncomfortable than that in real life.

No matter how uncomfortable it gets, they don't deserve anything from me. I'll just ignore them.

The "I'll just try again" thing is something everyone says, before they attempt. It gets followed through much less often than you'd think. Even in cases of people who do go through with it more than once, it's not generally in the 'well, now I know for next time' repeated attempts, each tends to be rather more self-contained.

Note that this is assuming you'll even get much of an opportunity to make a second attempt. Again, that is far from guaranteed.

I will just try again. It's not like failing to die will make me feel better about my life. Wow, I can't even die correctly.... I'd be an even bigger failure, and I'll just want to die even more.

Why does failing an attempt merit punishment?
I'm not doubting your sentiment here, I'm just curious what your reasoning is for this, because it seems a bit incongruous with some of the things you've said so far.

Because if I can't even successfully die, I'm even more of a worthless failure than I thought.

You think I was born to succeed? My dad picked up garbage for a living and my mother was a cleaning lady in an institute for 'mentally challenged' people to say it nicely. Based on that you think I had a future? I couldn't afford to take risks, all I could do was my best with the things I had. Even the richest, wealthiest, most born-to-succeed people can screw up so bad that they lose everything.

See it as a challenge to overcome and accept that challange, victory can only be sweeter that way and you will have a reason to be proud of yourself. If people blame you for failing something, let them, don't give a rats ass about what other people think, like you are doing right now. when you want to do something good you want other people's opinions and now those don't even care anymore because 'you are not worth investing time in anymore'.

Wealthy people are far less likely to lose it all, they have so many safety nets laid out for them from birth. While one mistake for someone like me means the end of everything. No-one will help me if I fail, they'll just taunt and berate me for it.
It's a challenge I can never overcome. And I have to care what they think, "they" is every other person in the world. No human being can possibly function in life if they never pay any attention to the people around them.

Of course you didn't want it, that is not what I meant. How I see it is that you simply gave up on trying to make it different.

I'll admit, I used some bad examples. Look, I think of my friends that they are all backstabbing sons of b*****s all day and all night long. And they have proven time and time again that they ARE backstabbing sons of b*****s. Still, every time they ask me to do things together, it still makes me happy because they are the only ones I have, despite what I think of them. If I had given in to those feelings, I would have lost all my friends years ago.

I gave up because there is no chance I could ever make things better.

Why on earth would you associate with backstabbers? That's foolish. They're not your friends, they're nothing but parasites who want to drain you of all they can before abandoning your withered husk. Traitors are not worth your time. I'd rather have no friends at all, in fact I got rid of all my filthy traitors posing as "friends" ages ago.

I still don't believe that, but to each their own.

You're not exactly presenting any alternatives.

We are the same age, and I haven't accomplished much in all those years. I've never had a relationship, I only have a handful of friends, I have a future which I'm starting to dislike more and more every single day. I've failed on nearly all social skills and I'm destined to live a life alone, doing a job I probably won't like, with no one to talk to and nowhere to go besides my own bedroom.

Yeah, pretty much my situation. So where does this massive divide come from, where you somehow still have hope and happiness? Where's mine?

I'd accept the challenge, try me.

You will not be able to help. I'm too far gone to save now.

Sorry to butt in this part of the conversation, but we are not trying to be hostile, we are not picking on you. Being hostile is a lot easier than being helpful. Everyone here is trying to help, but you are dismissing everyone's help. I don't want this to sound hostile, but why did you ask for help in the first place, if you are in no position, willingly or not, to accept this help?

What is it that you want from us? Do you want us to accept you giving up and ending it? Do you want us to give you a reason to continue? Help us so we can help you!

If you're not trying to be hostile, usually the best course of action would be to not act in a hostile manner. Dehro did not try that at all.
It is not helpful when you clearly don't understand what I'm going through, and think that your help fits all situations.

I want people to understand and agree that suicide is the right choice for me. I want people to stop guilt tripping me into staying alive. I want a way out of this sick, corrupt world. And the only way out for me is death.
There are things that may give me happiness, but no-one can or will provide them. They're out of my reach forever.

[RoyVG]

Wealthy people are far less likely to lose it all, they have so many safety nets laid out for them from birth. While one mistake for someone like me means the end of everything. No-one will help me if I fail, they'll just taunt and berate me for it.
It's a challenge I can never overcome. And I have to care what they think, "they" is every other person in the world. No human being can possibly function in life if they never pay any attention to the people around them.

Money is just one thing that can make people successful, and yes, by today's standards it's the most important one. I know the feeling of wanting to be accepted in this world, because in almost everything I do, I have to consider how the world views me after doing it. But if you keep living your life with that in mind, you will never take risks, because you are afraid of being judged and ridiculed for even the littlest things.

I gave up because there is no chance I could ever make things better.

Why on earth would you associate with backstabbers? That's foolish. They're not your friends, they're nothing but parasites who want to drain you of all they can before abandoning your withered husk. Traitors are not worth your time. I'd rather have no friends at all, in fact I got rid of all my filthy traitors posing as "friends" ages ago.

2 Reasons: Because literally EVERYONE you meet will be a backstabber if you think that way like we do. You just need the ability to deal with it and stab them back when the time is right. 'Equivalent exchange' so to speak.

And because they are the only thing I have left that may make it worthwhile to live. And even if they have treated me like trash in the past, there are still moments I would have never experienced if they weren't there. I could throw them away if I wanted to, but that will happen naturally anyway so I'll just wait for it to happen.

You're not exactly presenting any alternatives.

Because I cannot come up with an alternative that might please you, because there is only one way that will.

Yeah, pretty much my situation. So where does this massive divide come from, where you somehow still have hope and happiness? Where's mine?

Because among all the BS that is happening to me, I can still find some joy in the very small things in life, like playing a fun game. And I manage to outweigh these small things against the many, many bad things. It's a skill that needs to be acquired, but also a skill that can be easily lost when unpreprared. If I ever lose it, I might end up the same way you are now.

You will not be able to help. I'm too far gone to save now.

It will at least make it easier to sympathize with you, and maybe then you will convince me your option is the only right one.

If you're not trying to be hostile, usually the best course of action would be to not act in a hostile manner. Dehro did not try that at all.
It is not helpful when you clearly don't understand what I'm going through, and think that your help fits all situations.

I want people to understand and agree that suicide is the right choice for me. I want people to stop guilt tripping me into staying alive. I want a way out of this sick, corrupt world. And the only way out for me is death.
There are things that may give me happiness, but no-one can or will provide them. They're out of my reach forever.

Of course my help doesn't fit all situations, but that doesn't mean I cannot try?

I apologize if I ever sounded too hostile or attacked you in any way. I just hate to see someone throw their life away, for whatever reasons. I'm sure you still have qualities that will make you wanted by people. If you throw all this away I failed doing this as well. Getting over this will seem impossible, but there are always ways to at least improve your quality of life. I urge you again to consider my offer to talk about what has happened to you more privately over PM or something.