Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Skeppio]

It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

Please carefully read what follows:

THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules. If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea. Most relevant to this thread is the rule:



2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice thread.

5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.

9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety guidance for adults.

Original quote by MonkeyBusiness

[Castaras]

Time to christen the thread with some incoherent screaming.


ARKJASGANPFPIBAFPNGAFSGNPASONFASOJFSAONAFSONEONGAI HGFASIHOGAPINFASNAFOJIGAOIHFASHOI{SAFNOIGOIAFSIJ{S AGOIHAGOIHGAIODSG.


Thank you, that is all.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

As I stated in the previous thread, I've become angry of late due to something I saw while looking for news. I'm concerned about discussing it here due to the political rules, so PM me if you'd like details. All I can say is that as an autistic person I'm horrified at the way some people regard us.

[Haluesen]

Thank you Skeppio again for keeping this going. I do not know if you are the type to accept hugs as thanks. If not what can I offer in thanks?

Zousha...I would love to be able to talk to you about anything that is bothering you. Seriously, absolutely. I'm just...kind of in a sensitive position at the moment. Hearing more bad stuff might just do me in right now. I promise I can alert you once I feel well and if you want, you can talk to me about it. I don't want anyone here to think I am blowing their problems off. Nobody's.


And so yeah....I am super explosively mad right now. No that isn't quite it...it's more like dark and cold and cynically mad and apathetic that could turn explosive at any given moment. It's a lot of things; hearing stories that upset me because I am way too sensitive sometimes to the troubles of others, a very troubling conversation with my girlfriend this morning, tons of stress, major lack of sleep, my game I was playing to deal with this anger freezing over and over, and overall just out of my usual desire to be hopeful.

I'm gonna admit to something here. I have been through an anger management program before, when in elementary school (something about threatening a kid with a chair... ). And I also attended martial arts classes after that which really helped. For years I have had anger, but it has mostly been very manageable with few serious moments. It's just now, right now, that I feel close to the edge again. I feel that telling a family member point blank that I wish for the sun to explode and wipe out the earth without any care to be a sign that I should be more worried.

I just don't want to feel this way, and don't know how to stop. Every way that I can think of for dealing with this I can refuse. I don't even really know why I am writing all this. The urge to delete it all is staggering. So anyway...I guess yeah. If you talk to me today and I seem reserved, that's probably why. Containing horrible rage at things.

[Mattarias, King.]

Ough... Thaks for this thread. I just.. I really need a place to vent now.

Where do I even start...

I graduated back in February with a degree in 3D animation. So far, however, I haven't been able to get a single interview, let alone a job...

Fast forward to now. I've always been strugling with depression, asperger's, and a big bucket of other things. My (traditionally-minded, Lebanese) parents aren't making this better.

Every day, it's either "Get a job! Any job!" or "If you're gonna be a useless sack of crap all day, go back to a real college! Specifically, that community college you used to go to!"

And, well... I'm trying. I'm trying to get a job. But I have no idea how to properly go about it, I'm TERRIBLE at talking to people (and thus, networking), and I'd rather jump off a bridge than go back to that one college. I went to a 3D school specifically because I can't handle the atmosphere of "real" colleges.

I just.. I don't know what to do anymore.

Student Loan payments are almost due, and my parents are understandably worried, because we're already in a financial tight spot as-is, so tensions are running high...

So high, in fact, that when I tell my dad not to wrap my cat's toy around his neck, he flies off the handle and starts slapping me and trying to break my stuff.

I got him out of my room, but now I'm afraid to leave it out of fear that sometime might happen to my stuff or my cat. I know I'm naturally obscenely paranoid, so he's probably calmed down, but......

....Well, I also desperately need to leave, but what the hell can I do? I don't have anywhere to go. I can't be sure dad won't take out his frustrations on Dusty, and I can't just take an indoor cat on a walk through the town.

I just... I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel freaking powerless in terms of controlling my own life.

[Castaras]

As I stated in the previous thread, I've become angry of late due to something I saw while looking for news. I'm concerned about discussing it here due to the political rules, so PM me if you'd like details. All I can say is that as an autistic person I'm horrified at the way some people regard us.

I'd be interested to hear about this.

[RCgothic]

So I have a fish tank. In it I have some shrimp, neon tetras, guppies and a large bristlenose plec.

And then I decided on a whim to add a pair of small angelfish. Now the shrimps are cowering because apparently angel fish eat them. Should have done the research! In fact they'll bully or eat everything in the tank except for the plec.

Bleh.

[Grinner]

So I have a fish tank. In it I have some shrimp, neon tetras, guppies and a large bristlenose plec.

And then I decided on a whim to add a pair of small angelfish. Now the shrimps are cowering because apparently angel fish eat them. Should have done the research! In fact they'll bully or eat everything in the tank except for the plec.

Bleh.

Sorry to hear that. Time to get a bowl?

[Skeppio]

Thank you Skeppio again for keeping this going. I do not know if you are the type to accept hugs as thanks. If not what can I offer in thanks?

Oh sure, thanks! *lots of hugs*

[The Succubus]

I've noticed you've been a lot happier recently, Skeppio. Let's hope it continues as long as it can. =)

[BayardSPSR]

I've noticed you've been a lot happier recently, Skeppio. Let's hope it continues as long as it can. =)

As have I, and as do I!

This might sound out-of-the-blue, I spend more time reading threads than posting on them...

[Skeppio]

I've noticed you've been a lot happier recently, Skeppio. Let's hope it continues as long as it can. =)

Since I was able to talk to mum about being transgender again, I've been a lot happier. (I talked about that over in the LGBT thread a week or so ago )

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Just a clerical issue - the relationship woes link is quite a few threads out of date. Here is the current one - http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...285120&page=18

[Skeppio]

Just a clerical issue - the relationship woes link is quite a few threads out of date. Here is the current one - http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...285120&page=18

Fixed.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

So, I got the call last night at about 1:30am. My last Grandmother has passed away. I...don't know what else to say.

[The Succubus]

Sorry to hear that Wombat. I remember when my own gran passed away a couple of years ago. I was living alone a long way from the rest of my family and it was really tough.

Be there for your parents and let them be there for you.

*hugs*

[rogueboy]

Sorry to hear that, Wombat

I remember when I heard that my grandfather had passed away... *mental calculations*... 5 years ago now. I cried myself to sleep that night (*VERY* rare for me), and was in a terrible mood the next day (which involved a test in a class that was tough, unfortunately). It took a friend randomly making a joke (I hadn't told anyone that my grandfather had passed, and was away at college) to get me to really react to anything. Mourn the loss, try to do something to make yourself happy (or at least take your mind off it for a little bit), and remember to take care of yourself (eat, sleep, etc). Use your friends/family for support.

[The Rose Dragon]

I am going to see a new psychologist my next session, since my old one had to move away to another city. And... well, I am kind of worried. Since I've been burned by unsuitable psychologists before, I wonder if I will have to look for another one soon.

[Haluesen]

Oh sure, thanks! *lots of hugs*

Since I was able to talk to mum about being transgender again, I've been a lot happier. (I talked about that over in the LGBT thread a week or so ago )

Awe good. Hugs are a great way to show thanks. And it is very good that you are feeling happier, very good indeed. Cheers to hoping things stay going well, for at least a long while!

Hmm...I hope you don't consider this rude...but what exactly is transgender? I've heard the word and sort of know, but not really. I'm not trying to be rude, or pushy, or judgmental I promise! I'm just curious, and wanting to be more understanding of people in the world. If it is too much to ask just let me know, and I will zip the lip.

So, I got the call last night at about 1:30am. My last Grandmother has passed away. I...don't know what else to say.

I did see you mention it elsewhere and said something, but I feel it cannot be said enough how sorry I am for your loss. I know it was kinda expected but still, it seems obvious that you really loved her. I wish you and your family well during this hard time. *hugs*

I am going to see a new psychologist my next session, since my old one had to move away to another city. And... well, I am kind of worried. Since I've been burned by unsuitable psychologists before, I wonder if I will have to look for another one soon.

That sounds quite stressful. Maybe it is just my oddness, but I say be hopeful that it will work out well. I mean, I guess it's not going to help being doubtful. Cross your fingers and wait and see how things go and hope all is well.
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As for myself well, rage is gone now for the most part, back under control. I feel a lot better, but I'm still worried about how much it seemed to be the only thing that mattered to me, the fury. Does anyone know about anger management, and whether it is at all possible to kinda fall back into old ways?

[Oracle_of_Void]

So I'm a senior at this American public high school and today was the second day of school. I can tell it's going to be an awful year. My best friend, only friend really, had this girlfriend last year. Well, near the end of the year they broke up when he found out she cheated on him with over a half dozen other guys. Suffice to say, it was hard on him.

The thing is, he constantly sees her in the hallway with other people. Its obviously upsetting him every time. As an emotionally incompetent loner, I have a hard time comforting him and giving advice to make him feel better. I'm open to suggestions on how to make my friend feel better and on what advice to give him. Thanks in advance.

[Trekkin]

I just need to vent.

Spoiler

Show

First off, I'm stuck living at home for the moment. I was going to move out, but then my job became unpaid after the sequester took all of the money out of our grant. I can still work, but I can't be paid until we find another way to pay me, and so here we are.

It really doesn't help that less competent, less productive people than me are being paid, but they can't work without it and I theoretically can -- and I'd rather they be able to feed their children than I be able to get an apartment. As arrogant as it is to judge my boss's payroll/personnel decisions, I at least agree with them.

Regardless, that's just kind of the icing on the cruddy cake. The deep, creamy filling of concentrated crud is my mother.

See, when I was little she was frankly a horrible person; she never hit me, but she'd come find me and yell at me for random things whenever anything went wrong in her life. I could tell when she'd gotten off the phone with creditors; suddenly straight A's weren't trying hard enough, or my cup of pencils was "a mess clear across your desk you stupid brat." If my dad had to work late or had hung up after a half-hour rant about him working late, I got the balance of it, usually concerning the state of my shoes. As far as I can tell, she's only ever really happy being the victim, so she'll find things that are perfectly innocuous and harp on them until she gets attention, at which point she will perceive an insult and react accordingly until she's out of breath for ranting. She used to yell at someone or other for eight hours a day.

I'm much smarter; I rant by typing, as you can see.

College was a huge escape from years of screeching and harping and threatening. Dear sweet FSM, the threatening. Every day she'd try to find something I liked and threaten to destroy it unless I complied with...something. It would be comical if it weren't so repetitive. She'd threaten to break the braces I used to write with for school; she'd threaten to burn my room. She ended up threatening to crash my car, and now I sleep curled around a backpack containing everything tangible that I value -- except the car but it's not parked where she can find it. I loved dorms; filthy, cramped, and crowded they might be, but SHE was a thousand miles away.

And then some frankly unanticipatable things went wrong with the grad school application process. They weren't anyone's fault, really. I waited a tad longer than I should have, the school processed everything late, there was a bursar hold on submitting my transcripts at the worst possible time...a lot of small things coincided to keep me from applying anywhere I really wanted to go. So now I'm home and getting apps ready for next year, and in the meantime I'm working at a nearby university doing awesome science. They make fun of me for never wanting to go home, but that's all right by me.

The trouble is twofold. First, I'm doing what my mother never got to do. In her words, she "gave up a promising career in chemistry to have [me]"; according to my father, she never got into grad school and used me to justify leaving a job she hated at a water treatment plant. He's been a huge help through all this, but he's also the only person with a paying job at the moment so he's never here when she's on her rants. But I'll get to that. So whether or not she liked her job, the fact remains that I'm doing what she wanted to do, only at a more prestigious institution and with a more promising career -- and there's every indication that I'll end up exactly where she wanted to be. When she's drunk enough "in order to be able to sleep", she sometimes accuses me of cheating to get "her career." I've never quite understood that.

Far, far worse is that she's getting mentally worse. It's almost like selective senility as an analogue to selective hearing. She will forget, no matter what, anything she has agreed to do or anything she's told how to do. You can sit down with her for hours and talk her through how, say, her turn signals work, and she'll just sit there and sigh theatrically about how "these modern Japanese cars are nothing like my good old American car." The one she crashed into a dump truck because she tried driving when she was delusional and frazzled to the point of irate screaming. (She wanted to drive my car while I was at college. My father hid my keys, for which he was screamed at nightly as soon as she got home from the hospital. I am forever in his debt.) She's convinced she has PTSD from that now -- and when she's sitting bawling about being unable to quilt like she used to because sewing needles are hard, she will swear up and down she's going to get therapy. Come the next day, she will claim she never said that and anyway what about all the times you said you'd get therapy and you never did? Regardless of her actual diagnosis, her memory problems mean she's freer than ever to outright make up slights against her, and she still doesn't believe she has memory problems.

To be fair about the car thing, she has always been deeply mistrustful of electronics. Bioinformatics is a career for me and "fiddly little unhealthy nerd garbage" to her; on a more local level, she's convinced everyone is ignoring her cell phone calls. Her cell phone has been dead for two years but we can't "try to change the subject by talking over her like we're so smart." Of course we can't fix it for her; we're forbidden from touching her things and "doing things to them so they don't work right anymore."

I honestly think she willingly forgets what people tell her. She used to do it with comprehension. If something wasn't nice or fun, "I don't understand" over and over until the problem went away; she lived in a world of candyfloss, compliments, and incomprehensible troubles for other people to deal with. Now, "I don't remember" over and over until someone fixes her life for her -- and yet she still insists there is nothing wrong with herself, only mean people lying to her and playing mind games. When she's sad, I'm bawled at and screamed at; when she's calm, I'm being threatened with being kicked out or arrested for being "so cruel." Her latest tack is to threaten to call the police and falsely claim I've done something horrible so they'll jail me and she'll be rid of me. Even without a conviction, that will rob me of valuable time I need to achieve enough to finally escape.

And I worry, because she's never had the firmest grip on the truth even when she was fully sane; she always preferred to mix willful delusion with stupidity and generate rants and unhappiness, and once an idea is in her head she refuses to believe she only imagined it. Once she dreamed that she had a red purse. She still looks for that purse every once in a while and will accuse you, sometimes violently, of making fun of her if you try to explain.

All she does, now, is talk on the phone with her mother (my maternal grandmother) about which old family friends have died and who has what incurable disease. And then she feels the need to tell us. I get obituaries recited to me by the dozen for people I've never met, and if I'm less than distraught on cue I'm a heartless, ungrateful son who ruined her life for nothing.

We can't afford a home for her and she steadfastly refuses therapy, although I can't help but think she needs both. Mostly I just wanted to explain all that so I can say this:

I do not love my mother, and part of me wants to be free and quit of this place forever so I can finally tell her so, because I am a horrible person.

[Skeppio]

Awe good. Hugs are a great way to show thanks. And it is very good that you are feeling happier, very good indeed. Cheers to hoping things stay going well, for at least a long while!

Hmm...I hope you don't consider this rude...but what exactly is transgender? I've heard the word and sort of know, but not really. I'm not trying to be rude, or pushy, or judgmental I promise! I'm just curious, and wanting to be more understanding of people in the world. If it is too much to ask just let me know, and I will zip the lip.

....I'm not very good at explaining things like that, to be honest. The LGBTA+ Thread would be able and happy to help with your question.

[JustPlayItLoud]

I do not love my mother, and part of me wants to be free and quit of this place forever so I can finally tell her so, because I am a horrible person.

An antiquated falsehood that needs to die. Often accompanied by the misused proverb of "blood is thicker than water". Funny enough, this is from the earlier proverb "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" such that it actually means the exact opposite of how people use it. The whole idea is that family is forced and not chosen and ultimately what's more important are the people you choose to be your family, regardless of blood relation. I read an article once that pretty perfectly sums up my thoughts on the matter, but it contains some questionable language and such so I'd rather not link it. PM if you'd like.

[rogueboy]

I just need to vent.

Spoiler

Show

First off, I'm stuck living at home for the moment. I was going to move out, but then my job became unpaid after the sequester took all of the money out of our grant. I can still work, but I can't be paid until we find another way to pay me, and so here we are.

It really doesn't help that less competent, less productive people than me are being paid, but they can't work without it and I theoretically can -- and I'd rather they be able to feed their children than I be able to get an apartment. As arrogant as it is to judge my boss's payroll/personnel decisions, I at least agree with them.

Regardless, that's just kind of the icing on the cruddy cake. The deep, creamy filling of concentrated crud is my mother.

See, when I was little she was frankly a horrible person; she never hit me, but she'd come find me and yell at me for random things whenever anything went wrong in her life. I could tell when she'd gotten off the phone with creditors; suddenly straight A's weren't trying hard enough, or my cup of pencils was "a mess clear across your desk you stupid brat." If my dad had to work late or had hung up after a half-hour rant about him working late, I got the balance of it, usually concerning the state of my shoes. As far as I can tell, she's only ever really happy being the victim, so she'll find things that are perfectly innocuous and harp on them until she gets attention, at which point she will perceive an insult and react accordingly until she's out of breath for ranting. She used to yell at someone or other for eight hours a day.

I'm much smarter; I rant by typing, as you can see.

College was a huge escape from years of screeching and harping and threatening. Dear sweet FSM, the threatening. Every day she'd try to find something I liked and threaten to destroy it unless I complied with...something. It would be comical if it weren't so repetitive. She'd threaten to break the braces I used to write with for school; she'd threaten to burn my room. She ended up threatening to crash my car, and now I sleep curled around a backpack containing everything tangible that I value -- except the car but it's not parked where she can find it. I loved dorms; filthy, cramped, and crowded they might be, but SHE was a thousand miles away.

And then some frankly unanticipatable things went wrong with the grad school application process. They weren't anyone's fault, really. I waited a tad longer than I should have, the school processed everything late, there was a bursar hold on submitting my transcripts at the worst possible time...a lot of small things coincided to keep me from applying anywhere I really wanted to go. So now I'm home and getting apps ready for next year, and in the meantime I'm working at a nearby university doing awesome science. They make fun of me for never wanting to go home, but that's all right by me.

The trouble is twofold. First, I'm doing what my mother never got to do. In her words, she "gave up a promising career in chemistry to have [me]"; according to my father, she never got into grad school and used me to justify leaving a job she hated at a water treatment plant. He's been a huge help through all this, but he's also the only person with a paying job at the moment so he's never here when she's on her rants. But I'll get to that. So whether or not she liked her job, the fact remains that I'm doing what she wanted to do, only at a more prestigious institution and with a more promising career -- and there's every indication that I'll end up exactly where she wanted to be. When she's drunk enough "in order to be able to sleep", she sometimes accuses me of cheating to get "her career." I've never quite understood that.

Far, far worse is that she's getting mentally worse. It's almost like selective senility as an analogue to selective hearing. She will forget, no matter what, anything she has agreed to do or anything she's told how to do. You can sit down with her for hours and talk her through how, say, her turn signals work, and she'll just sit there and sigh theatrically about how "these modern Japanese cars are nothing like my good old American car." The one she crashed into a dump truck because she tried driving when she was delusional and frazzled to the point of irate screaming. (She wanted to drive my car while I was at college. My father hid my keys, for which he was screamed at nightly as soon as she got home from the hospital. I am forever in his debt.) She's convinced she has PTSD from that now -- and when she's sitting bawling about being unable to quilt like she used to because sewing needles are hard, she will swear up and down she's going to get therapy. Come the next day, she will claim she never said that and anyway what about all the times you said you'd get therapy and you never did? Regardless of her actual diagnosis, her memory problems mean she's freer than ever to outright make up slights against her, and she still doesn't believe she has memory problems.

To be fair about the car thing, she has always been deeply mistrustful of electronics. Bioinformatics is a career for me and "fiddly little unhealthy nerd garbage" to her; on a more local level, she's convinced everyone is ignoring her cell phone calls. Her cell phone has been dead for two years but we can't "try to change the subject by talking over her like we're so smart." Of course we can't fix it for her; we're forbidden from touching her things and "doing things to them so they don't work right anymore."

I honestly think she willingly forgets what people tell her. She used to do it with comprehension. If something wasn't nice or fun, "I don't understand" over and over until the problem went away; she lived in a world of candyfloss, compliments, and incomprehensible troubles for other people to deal with. Now, "I don't remember" over and over until someone fixes her life for her -- and yet she still insists there is nothing wrong with herself, only mean people lying to her and playing mind games. When she's sad, I'm bawled at and screamed at; when she's calm, I'm being threatened with being kicked out or arrested for being "so cruel." Her latest tack is to threaten to call the police and falsely claim I've done something horrible so they'll jail me and she'll be rid of me. Even without a conviction, that will rob me of valuable time I need to achieve enough to finally escape.

And I worry, because she's never had the firmest grip on the truth even when she was fully sane; she always preferred to mix willful delusion with stupidity and generate rants and unhappiness, and once an idea is in her head she refuses to believe she only imagined it. Once she dreamed that she had a red purse. She still looks for that purse every once in a while and will accuse you, sometimes violently, of making fun of her if you try to explain.

All she does, now, is talk on the phone with her mother (my maternal grandmother) about which old family friends have died and who has what incurable disease. And then she feels the need to tell us. I get obituaries recited to me by the dozen for people I've never met, and if I'm less than distraught on cue I'm a heartless, ungrateful son who ruined her life for nothing.

We can't afford a home for her and she steadfastly refuses therapy, although I can't help but think she needs both. Mostly I just wanted to explain all that so I can say this:

I do not love my mother, and part of me wants to be free and quit of this place forever so I can finally tell her so, because I am a horrible person.

Disclaimer: my default when I hear venting like this is to try to offer solutions. If you don't want ideas, feel free to ignore things.

Spoiler

Show

Parental issues suck. I know it isn't the same, but I've gotten incredibly frustrated with my dad for a simple reason: he wants a smartphone, but was unwilling to pull the trigger. Basically, I would give him suggestions (this is AFTER he's looked at Consumer Reports, mind you) about what phones will work well for him, and what phones won't have the features he needs. We narrow it down to about 3 phones, over the course of an hour, and I leave him to find one of those phones to buy. Cue the next day: "rogueboy, help me figure out a phone" Cue another hour, having started back at square one with no phones favored or eliminated. "OK dad, you're choosing between these 2 phones, and these 3 listings on eBay. I'm going to leave you to pick one and buy it" "OK!". Cue day 3: "rogueboy, help me find a phone" "Let's just go to a store so you can *look* at the phones?" "OK!" Spend 45 minutes to decide on 2 phone options. Cue day 4! "rogueboy, help me pick a phone!" "Here! Buy one of these 2!" "OK!". Cue day 5... "rogueboy --" "No. Pick a phone and buy it. We've been over this." (Thankfully, he finally went ahead and bought a phone. Now I get a week or so before I have to help him learn to use it... )

Where was I? Right, parental annoyances...

As to dealing with your next year... Is there any way you can guarantee yourself some space? My initial thought would be putting a lock on your door (especially since you're holding onto everything when you sleep), if only to provide you with some ability to relax at night, which should help your general ability to deal with things. It sounds like your dad may be able to help you with getting some physical and mental separation from your mom.

As to not wanting to go home? You're just getting yourself into a better mindset for grad school. Honestly. The longer you can manage being in the lab, the more successful you'll be. I say this as someone who couldn't deal with the time commitment expected while maintaining my sanity.

All of the above being said, however... I agree that it sounds like your mom has problems of her own (narcissistic, perhaps?), and that if she won't accept that she needs help (and seek it!), then there's not a lot you can do. I wish I had more to give you here than condolences and hope that you're able to find a temporary solution.

I'll also agree with JustPlayItLoud: while you're often told you have an obligation to love your parents, I don't see that as an obligation to a) like them, or b) put up with their bull****. Unfortunately, (a) is made much harder and (b) is made mandatory by living with them. Once you can get your own place (and I suspect you know this already), things will get much better.

[Trekkin]

Thanks, rogueboy and JustPlayItLoud. Unfortunately I've raised the question of putting a lock on my door before, and it's very not allowed. There are dents in my door from the last time I tried barring it. My dad's help is unfortunately going to be remote for a while; he's out of town on business in Ireland. But that's short-term. I also have places to go if she does kick me out, so I'll be all right.

And if spending more time in lab is good for grad school, I'm golden. Were the university parking lots not closed from 12-5 am I'd be there multiple days at a time.

But seriously, thank you for the condolences. They're very appreciated.

[AKA_Bait]

I'm open to suggestions on how to make my friend feel better and on what advice to give him. Thanks in advance.

Just keep him company, listen if he wants to vent, and be willing to step out of your own comfort zone a bit if he wants to do something new. One of the tougher lessons in life is that we can't actually fix emotional problems for our friends, we can only be there for support as they work it out themselves.

You might also suggest going out to try some new things with him. Interacting with a new environment is a great way to (1) broaden your social group and (2) put some perspective on how much your in-school interactions should be permitted to affect your life, particularly at your age.

Oh, and don't hook up with the ex. That would be bad.

[Oracle_of_Void]

Oh, and don't hook up with the ex. That would be bad.

Okay, that made my day. Thanks for the input. He's already doing better, I think he's doing better. I think. Not good at that type of stuff. And I wouldn't touch that girl with rubber gloves on. Just saying.

[IronFist]

I think I might be in a destructive relationship.

[Howl]

I think I might be in a destructive relationship.

I didn't know if you wanted advice or not, if not disregard.

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Well without specifics it's hard to say, but; In any situation where you question it's impacts on you consider it fully, don't just tell yourself 'oh, it's not as bad as I'm making it.' because in all honesty it doesn't matter what's 'real' it matters what's real to you. If you question the positivity of your relationship now will small reassurances do the same for you years down the road? Bad relationships have a way of propagating themselves as we become addicted to the chemicals our brains release with the negative interactions associated with such a relationship. So the best I can give, perhaps unwarranted, is try to look at it and ask yourself 'Why?' and 'What' and other such questions of yourself; find the root of the issue.. Why do I feel this way? What led me to thinking of my partner in such a way? Do I feel this person is my partner or just someone I'm dating? So forth, get down to the dirt. Also, it is possible you have your own issues and that these thoughts are just a safety mechanism, but all this is speculative without detail. Just remember that inflection is key, and only you will really know if this relationship is bad for you.

[IronFist]

I didn't know if you wanted advice or not, if not disregard.

Spoiler

Show

Well without specifics it's hard to say, but; In any situation where you question it's impacts on you consider it fully, don't just tell yourself 'oh, it's not as bad as I'm making it.' because in all honesty it doesn't matter what's 'real' it matters what's real to you. If you question the positivity of your relationship now will small reassurances do the same for you years down the road? Bad relationships have a way of propagating themselves as we become addicted to the chemicals our brains release with the negative interactions associated with such a relationship. So the best I can give, perhaps unwarranted, is try to look at it and ask yourself 'Why?' and 'What' and other such questions of yourself; find the root of the issue.. Why do I feel this way? What led me to thinking of my partner in such a way? Do I feel this person is my partner or just someone I'm dating? So forth, get down to the dirt. Also, it is possible you have your own issues and that these thoughts are just a safety mechanism, but all this is speculative without detail. Just remember that inflection is key, and only you will really know if this relationship is bad for you.

That's very good advice. I'll try to get things in perspective. Thanks.