Personal Woes and Advice 3

[ArlEammon]

Welp, my mom disowned me and I'm back to cutting. yay.

Damn. . . Want to talk about it?

PM? :(

[rogueboy]

I think I will talk to my therapist about it on Monday, but I'm so afraid. Afraid that she'll ask why I haven't said anything earlier (as that might have helped with my other issues?), afraid that talking about it will make it even worse afraid that she is not qualified to deal with that and I need to find another therapist and have to explain to my family why, afraid that after I talked to one person, I wont be able to still keep that secret form everyone else. I want so badly to talk to someone I trust – my sister, my mother, my second boss – but I don't dare to. I just want someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay and I don't have to be afraid. I want someone to help me without blaming and hating the other person because they are not a horrible person, they just did something bad (though it wasn't that bad for me at the time, but everyone will think it was), but everyone hates persons who do bad things and I understand that but I can't let my own family hate this person because I love them and I want my family to be okay.

To be completely honest, the question of why you haven't brought it up before probably will be raised. Not in a "you should have mentioned it sooner" way, but in a "what made you not mention it?" way (hopefully that distinction makes sense). Only you can decide whether you'll be able to keep it a secret once you've let it go, but if you've held onto it this long, I suspect you'll be able to keep it limited to discussions with your therapist.

And I know it's not the same as someone you trust, but if you want to tell a random internet stranger (who has no way nor interest in identifying you), you can always PM me. I can promise an internet-ear, and will do my best to help (if you want it).

*hugs*

Juniper, take a deep breath for a moment and then slowly and gently let it out.

First of all - your therapist is duty bound to keep any confidential information you tell them. If it is something very serious, then they will talk through your options and feelings on it. What happens next will be your choice entirely. If it's something that needs to involve other people, then your therapist will only do so at your explicit consent.

Secondly, there's a very, very good chance your therapist will have worked with someone else in a similar position to you. If they do need to talk to someone else, your name and personal details will not be used in the discussion - it will be "hypothetical". The only way therapy works is when the patient and therapist trust each other and your therapist will do everything they can to honor that trust.

The minor exception to your first point that I feel the need to point out: if it's something that is likely to result in harm to someone, they can violate confidentiality. However, that's something that any therapist worth half their salt takes INCREDIBLY seriously, and wouldn't consider unless they felt it necessary (or am I confusing legal confidentiality with psychiatric confidentiality? I think it's true of both).

With that said, I do wholeheartedly agree with Succubus on this. And from what you've said, I don't get the impression that the imminent harm exception would be at issue here.

[Lycunadari]

Juniper, take a deep breath for a moment and then slowly and gently let it out.

First of all - your therapist is duty bound to keep any confidential information you tell them. If it is something very serious, then they will talk through your options and feelings on it. What happens next will be your choice entirely. If it's something that needs to involve other people, then your therapist will only do so at your explicit consent.

Secondly, there's a very, very good chance your therapist will have worked with someone else in a similar position to you. If they do need to talk to someone else, your name and personal details will not be used in the discussion - it will be "hypothetical". The only way therapy works is when the patient and therapist trust each other and your therapist will do everything they can to honor that trust.

I do trust my therapist, but I don't trust myself. I've gone from "I will never tell anyone even the tiniest bit about this, ever" to writing about it here, to considering talking about it with my therapist, to writing a forum post on a forum for people who dealt with similar things (and deleting it before I sent it, thinking "What am I doing?! ) to thinking about how I could tell my mum what happened while making sure that she can't guess who the person is, in just a few days.

To be completely honest, the question of why you haven't brought it up before probably will be raised. Not in a "you should have mentioned it sooner" way, but in a "what made you not mention it?" way (hopefully that distinction makes sense). Only you can decide whether you'll be able to keep it a secret once you've let it go, but if you've held onto it this long, I suspect you'll be able to keep it limited to discussions with your therapist.

And I know it's not the same as someone you trust, but if you want to tell a random internet stranger (who has no way nor interest in identifying you), you can always PM me. I can promise an internet-ear, and will do my best to help (if you want it).

*hugs*

The minor exception to your first point that I feel the need to point out: if it's something that is likely to result in harm to someone, they can violate confidentiality. However, that's something that any therapist worth half their salt takes INCREDIBLY seriously, and wouldn't consider unless they felt it necessary (or am I confusing legal confidentiality with psychiatric confidentiality? I think it's true of both).

With that said, I do wholeheartedly agree with Succubus on this. And from what you've said, I don't get the impression that the imminent harm exception would be at issue here.

Well, to that question at least I have an answer: because I meant to never speak to anyone about it and I thought I could handle it on my own. I didn't think it affected me much. Guess that wasn't true.

And thanks for the offer to listen (that goes for you as well, Musashi and Succubus), but I'm not ready to talk about it. I've too long buried all that to write it down now. Talking about it on Monday will be hard. :/

No, there's no danger for others, at least as far as I can know. If there was, I had said something earlier.

[dehro]

or... you could take the hint your subconscious is trying to paint on the back of your eyeballs and consider that maybe it is time to get things off your chest and confront them.. in order for you to move on.

[sktarq]

... but I don't trust myself. I've gone from "I will never tell anyone even the tiniest bit about this, ever" to writing about it here, to considering talking about it with my therapist, to writing a forum post on a forum for people who dealt with similar things....

Good grief do I know that one. For years my favorite song was about it. (Okay at times that STILL is my favorite song). Try writing it down. A full explanation, Not to anybody-but for yourself. Rough drafts, corrections, final edit. Anything this big will probably be bouncing around your head in a big messy fashion. This will help you put things in context. Also it can help control your emotions about the event. It is way out getting it out of you safely. And if push comes to shove it is an easier way to let someone know about it without the emotional storm you would be feeling for letting someone know getting in the way of communicating about it. But that's a choice for another day.

[rogueboy]

Well, to that question at least I have an answer: because I meant to never speak to anyone about it and I thought I could handle it on my own. I didn't think it affected me much. Guess that wasn't true.

We all suck at determining what's going to be a big deal for us later in life. I know that for myself, I used to be *proud* of my ability to completely and utterly quash pretty much any emotional response... not so much now. Were I in your shoes, I'd be interested in knowing what it was that made me think it wouldn't affect me, and what (if anything) changed between then and now.

And thanks for the offer to listen (that goes for you as well, Musashi and Succubus), but I'm not ready to talk about it. I've too long buried all that to write it down now. Talking about it on Monday will be hard. :/

That's fine, I understand. If you change your mind, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM about it tomorrow, in a month, or in 3 years (I just might need a reminder in that last case ). And if you never do, that's fine too, obviously. Hopefully Monday will be helpful, and not just difficult.

No, there's no danger for others, at least as far as I can know. If there was, I had said something earlier.

Always a good thing! Was just mentioning it to be complete (because that's how I function).

[Lycunadari]

And now a stupid part of my brain is telling me that, hey, I'm feeling a bit better, so maybe I don't need to talk about it with my therapist and I'd be better off burying it deep down where it belongs again and never speak about it like I had planned. Because staying quiet is easier than confronting my past and talking.
I know that this thinking is stupid – I can't forget what I remembered, and I can't keep pushing away all these thoughts like I'm currently doing. And I know that when I allow myself to think about it, maybe even remember more, that I'll feel bad, and I'll need the help of my therapist then, so I need to tell her. I know that I only feel okay now because I actively think of something different when the thoughts about the secret creep up on me. And I can't keep doing that.
But talking is so difficult, especially about topics like this. And I'm afraid of thinking about it, afraid what I might remember, how badly it will affect me if I think more about it. How it will affect my relationship with the person. How, if dealing with it makes me feel worse (at least at first, I guess that's very possible), I can manage that without the support of my family – because how could they support me when they don't know? I'm still not convinced that I wouldn't be better of without confronting this. I'm a coward.

[ArlEammon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsevY...lBon3dgg6C0G6g

I have no love. . .it seems like I have no freedom either.

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It feels like I've been in the wood chipper and dumped into the sewers like ****.

It's like Second class citizens are two classes above me. No one seems to care that I'm dying from my heart's agony.

[Moriwen]

So I can't go into detail because it's likely to go to court and stuff, but basically my no-contact order expired and someone I'd hoped was permanently out of my life took the opportunity to contact me again, and now instead of focusing on exams I have to spend the next few weeks trying to deal with this. :( So I'm curled up in my room being miserable and eating more chocolate than is good for me, and there's no one in real life I can talk to because of Reasons. I can haz hugs? *looks hopeful* Also links to distracting internet things are appreciated, if anyone has any they'd like to share.

[HalfTangible]

Also links to distracting internet things are appreciated, if anyone has any they'd like to share.

Man found alive in sunken ship

Puppies!

[Sholos]

So I can't go into detail because it's likely to go to court and stuff, but basically my no-contact order expired and someone I'd hoped was permanently out of my life took the opportunity to contact me again, and now instead of focusing on exams I have to spend the next few weeks trying to deal with this. :( So I'm curled up in my room being miserable and eating more chocolate than is good for me, and there's no one in real life I can talk to because of Reasons. I can haz hugs? *looks hopeful* Also links to distracting internet things are appreciated, if anyone has any they'd like to share.

*HUGZ!* Hope things go well and sorry you're having a jerkface interfere with your life.

[No brains]

My poor old cat is gonna croak. She was a sweetie and a great mouser. I'll remember her fondly, but letting go is gonna suck.

[Kalmageddon]

My poor old cat is gonna croak. She was a sweetie and a great mouser. I'll remember her fondly, but letting go is gonna suck.

I know how that feels.
Try to think that you had many years with her and that you gave her a good life.

[McStabbington]

Welp, I think I could use a pick-me up right about now. Allow me to explain.

I am one of those stereotypical overeducated, unemployed Millenials you hear about on the news, with the only variation being that I'm technically old enough to be on the very, very tail end of Gen X. Made the Dean's List through college despite taking the hardest subjects, went to grad school, went to law school, came out in 2011. Couldn't find a job, got depressed, got really, suicidally depressed, eventually pulled myself back out of the well, and moved across the country when I came to the end of my money and now sleep in a room offered to me by my grandmother. Still working on trying to find a job, although I've at the very minimum started to get interviews.

So here's the problem, at least in part: that grandmother I spoke of? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she has dementia or Alzheimers. She forgets conversations and what she's doing, she has extreme difficulty working through plans that have more than one step, and she's combative and will cheerfully say and do the most vile things without a touch of remorse or hesitation. She could be a world-class poop head, but that confluence of other factors combined with the fact that she didn't used to be like this says to me that she's suffering from neuro-degeneration. I've spoken with priests and social workers, and they all say that everything I'm seeing is consistent with the behavior you see in someone in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimers. What is worse, she's to the point where she has difficulty operating motor vehicles, as in forgetting to turn the car on before she starts furiously attacking the clutch for not working.

Because of this, I tried to call the state equivalent of Adult Protective Services, because if she's not capable of starting the car, God knows what might happen when she's behind the wheel. She could forget what she's doing and kill herself or someone else. And an hour or so ago, I just got the response back. There is no state agency that can do any kind of commitment proceeding, she has the right to be difficult, so stop bothering us. If she becomes a genuine danger, call the police.

Suffice to say, I've got a lot of weight on my head right now. Admittedly, if she's not going to be committed, I only have to worry about becoming homeless at the end of the month rather than immediately. But at the same time, I'm not trying to get help for her because she's difficult. I'm trying to get help for her because she's sick, because everything I've read about dementia and Alzheimer's say that treatment doesn't work if you wait too long, and because she's a frickin' danger to herself and others because she does not have full understanding of what the hell she's doing. I may not like the fact that she runs me down every day for being fat and lazy (when I'm actually one of the very few 30+ year olds to still have the six-pack from my twenties; it's more about finding a way to blame me for feeling scared and angry all the time than it is an accurate assessment), but I can handle it. I can't handle the fact that apparently, I'm the only one concerned that someone who does not have full control of their faculties might, I dunno, kill someone with her automobile, or hurt herself because she thinks leaning on an open door is a good idea. I'm trying not to have blood on my hands and to do the right thing, and all I'm getting in reply is "It's not my problem."

[dehro]

if she's not capable of starting the car, God knows what might happen when she's behind the wheel.

not a whole lot, I reckon.

on a more serious note... are priest and social workers not able to direct you towards people, either a charity or hospital staff or somesuch that actually deal with dementia and the issues this illness brings forth on a daily basis, and maybe have a more on hands approach on to what to do and how to manage the situation?

P.S. I apologize for the lame joke.. not trying to make light of a bad situation at the expense of the situation itself, if you see what I mean.

[McStabbington]

not a whole lot, I reckon.

on a more serious note... are priest and social workers not able to direct you towards people, either a charity or hospital staff or somesuch that actually deal with dementia and the issues this illness brings forth on a daily basis, and maybe have a more on hands approach on to what to do and how to manage the situation?

P.S. I apologize for the lame joke.. not trying to make light of a bad situation at the expense of the situation itself, if you see what I mean.

Nah, it's cool. Don't sweat it.

But the problem is that everyone I talked too thus far said that I should talk to the person who just gave me the brush off. At the moment, this person was my final choice, and contacting her meant a very real risk that if I did things right, I would make myself homeless in the process. I agonized over this choice for weeks, ultimately coming to the conclusion that having a roof over my head was not worth risking my grandmother's health and safety, or the health and safety of anyone driving on the same road as her. And then I get this. It's . . . frustrating to say the least.

I suppose I'll have to see if there's something else, but suffice to say that as of right now, until she gets to the point where she's pulling a knife or something, I really can't do anything, and even then, it's call the police and hope they don't taze or shoot an elderly woman.

[WarKitty]

In the short term, how hard would it be to obtain the keys to the car? Because honestly making those "disappear" might help, especially if you can have an easy alternate plan available.

[No brains]

Kalmageddon: Thanks for the words. I'm not going to be sad when she passes. She had a pretty full life for a cat. It's just the transition now where her age is showing so much.

McStabbington: I've lived in a similar situation myself. I was taking care of my grandmother and her son (my father) as their health was degrading. It was a pretty full time job looking after them and at the end I knew I was going to be out of a home with no time spent working toward another one. Never feel ashamed of your attempts, no matter what option you choose. There is no easy way for the child to become the parent of their parent.

[Ravens_cry]

I remember as a kid, shortly before puberty when I knew the mechanics of intercourse but had no personal desire whatsoever.
I miss that me.
I was OK with having little if any friends, just me and my books. I was a very huggy kid, too, and people were OK with that when you are that age. Now? Now, less so.
Much, less so.
My point? My point is I feel very lonely, yet I don't feel brave enough to bitch about it on facebook.
Not that'd help.

[Moriwen]

I remember as a kid, shortly before puberty
I was OK with having little if any friends, just me and my books. I was a very huggy kid, too, and people were OK with that when you are that age. Now? Now, less so.
Much, less so.

I'm sorry :( I wish you were nearby, because I would totally hug you. I'm all about the hugs.

Poor-substitute cyberhugs under the spoiler, if you want them.

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[Ravens_cry]

I'm sorry :( I wish you were nearby, because I would totally hug you. I'm all about the hugs.

Poor-substitute cyberhugs under the spoiler, if you want them.

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A poor substitute, true, but kindly meant and well recieved.

[Sholos]

I remember as a kid, shortly before puberty when I knew the mechanics of intercourse but had no personal desire whatsoever.
I miss that me.
I was OK with having little if any friends, just me and my books. I was a very huggy kid, too, and people were OK with that when you are that age. Now? Now, less so.
Much, less so.
My point? My point is I feel very lonely, yet I don't feel brave enough to bitch about it on facebook.
Not that'd help.

I know what you feel like. If I could legion out the part of my brain responsible for sexual desire I would do it in a heartbeat.

[Sholos]

I remember as a kid, shortly before puberty when I knew the mechanics of intercourse but had no personal desire whatsoever.
I miss that me.
I was OK with having little if any friends, just me and my books. I was a very huggy kid, too, and people were OK with that when you are that age. Now? Now, less so.
Much, less so.
My point? My point is I feel very lonely, yet I don't feel brave enough to bitch about it on facebook.
Not that'd help.

I know what you feel like. If I could legion out the part of my brain responsible for sexual desire I would do it in a heartbeat. Though thinking about it, I'm not sure that would actually fix the loneliness of not having someone to really share life with...

[Lycunadari]

I spoke with my therapist about it on Monday and it helped a lot, I'm feeling much calmer now. And while it'll probably take a long time till I've fully healed from what happened (if that is even possible) and till I know what to do (telling other people, or remaining silent), for now I can manage and have someone I can talk to if the memories get overwhelming again.

Also, I want to thank everyone who gives or has given advise on this thread (and the previous ones). I'm sure I'm not the only one who has received great help in here. I'm glad this place exists and you are here to make it work. Thank you.

[The Succubus]

I spoke with my therapist about it on Monday and it helped a lot, I'm feeling much calmer now. And while it'll probably take a long time till I've fully healed from what happened (if that is even possible) and till I know what to do (telling other people, or remaining silent), for now I can manage and have someone I can talk to if the memories get overwhelming again.

Also, I want to thank everyone who gives or has given advise on this thread (and the previous ones). I'm sure I'm not the only one who has received great help in here. I'm glad this place exists and you are here to make it work. Thank you.

I'm really relieved and happy things went well for you! ^_^ I think you will be able to fully heal in time.

[Kalmageddon]

My grandfather died this morning. He was ill for two days now, but my father (my parents are divorced and I hardly see him) didn't bother to tell me.
I'm beyond range and sadness now, I feel just... empty.

[No brains]

Some grizzly and depressing crap inside, read at your own peril.

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My grandfather died this morning. He was ill for two days now, but my father (my parents are divorced and I hardly see him) didn't bother to tell me.
I'm beyond range and sadness now, I feel just... empty.

Something similar happened with my grandmother; when my father and I went to the hospital to see that she passed, he immediately drove me off to go find some form of liquor for himself. I had wanted to tell my grandmother's sister and her husband, but by the time I returned from the trip it was well past midnight. The next morning, they show up at the house to yell at me for not telling them what had happened. Even without being press-ganged into a bender, I probably would have cried myself to sleep at the sight of my grandmother.

Even after the funeral, I never felt this was resolved. My father died a month later and I had to find a new place to live, so I didn't have the chance to talk to them because of the moving. A few months after that, I hear my great uncle had passed himself. I wanted to call my great aunt to express my condolences, but before he died, he was the executor of my grandmother's estate. Because what my father would have received would have passed onto me, I worried that calling my aunt would seem to her like money-grubbing. So now it's indefinitely unresolved.

So Kal, try not to be angry with these people. It might just make you feel even more empty later on.

In unrelated news, my cat was put to sleep today. She went pretty peacefully.

[Skeppio]

I think I've finally lost the ability to feel joy, and be entertained by...anything. I can't ait through a show or film, none of my games hold my attention, I haven't read a book in years, I don't bother listening to my music, and I rarely talk to my friends. I just don't feel anything except boredom, sadness, loneliness and frustration.
I don't know what could possibly help me out of this. Nothing ever changes despite my best efforts. If I get a new game, I've either beaten it within a week or gotten bored. I don't go out, because I'm both single and unwanted, so I have no-one to go out with. Hell, I don't even daydream or think about sex like I used to (which led to happy thoughts). What's the point? It's not like I'll ever get to experience it. All I get to experience is my failure of a life and regret over the countless times I could have done something different and had a better life. But no, every time I picked the wrong choice. And now there's nothing left for me to do.
The saddest part is, people I really wish would see this won't see it, because they don't frequent this thread.

[Mono Vertigo]

That sounds a lot like depression, or at least how I've experienced depression. A doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, will probably help you there.

[Skeppio]

That sounds a lot like depression, or at least how I've experienced depression. A doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, will probably help you there.

Huh. Didn't feel like this the first time. And besides, I've said before they can't change the external things that cause my unhappiness. They can help me feel better, but those external issues will still be issues, and I'll be back at square one near-instantly. My attitude can't make those issues just vanish or become solvable.

**** it, let's face it; I'm broken. I don't work right like everyone else. Doctors and therapists wouldn't be able to help, I'm too broken. People don't understand me, and I don't understand people. What even am I? Am I even a person? I don't know anymore... Maybe I'm not, that would explain why no matter my attitude and feelings, I always get rejected or ignored.