Personal Woes and Advice 3

[rogueboy]

I think I might be in a destructive relationship.

Obligatory link, taken from the RWA thread: Abusive relationship warning signs

And of course, after I write that part, I realize you said destructive, not abusive... well, I'll leave it there, because it might be relevant.

Otherwise... if you want to talk, feel free to post stuff about it here, in the RWA thread, or you can shoot me a PM if you'd rather get some advice/venting done more privately. Plenty of regulars in both threads who'd be happy to give ideas/support for anything specific you want to share.

In the meantime, *hugs* (if you want them).

[Comissar]

I've tried to post here quite a few times in the past. Each time I've ended up not doing so, I guess this is the one time that sticks. Rest of this post is spoilered for length.

Spoiler

Show

Every time I try to think about what I should say, I end up deleting it, so I'm going to just write things down as they come out. My apologies if that makes this difficult to read.

I guess a bit about me before I go into anything. I'm currently a Uni. student, entering my third and final year for a BSc. I'm living in student housing with three of my friends on the same course. I get on well with all of them, and there aren't really any people on my course that I dislike. I'm consistently achieving a 2:1 with my work, which for those who don't know is the second highest grading (the highest being a first). My family are supportive of me and the choices I make. I'm not struggling financially, I took a year out to do some work before coming to uni. and the money I made over that year, along with the student loan, is carrying me through fairly comfortably.

Generally speaking, I keep myself to myself. While I get on with most people, I tend to find social situations fairly awkward if I don't know the people involved very well. My social circle isn't particularly large, I just have a few close friends.

Right now, I feel incredibly isolated. This isn't a new feeling for me, it tends to crop up fairly regularly and has done for many years now. I rarely feel able to talk to my friends or family about my problems because they shouldn't need to be the ones to deal with my issues. Even posting this anonymously is proving to be a real challenge for me.

There's a whole mess of things that happened quite a few years ago that I've convinced myself are behind my inability to be open about myself. How true that actually is, I'm not sure. I'm entirely aware that I'm not looking at my problems in an objective manner.

In the past I've tried to just put on a brave face whenever I felt like this, I didn't, and still don't, want people to worry about me. I don't know if it was the pressures of moving to uni, but since getting here I've found it much much harder to keep doing that. I was generally able to keep up appearances while at lectures, but just closed in on myself when I was back in the uni. halls. I did eventually manage to talk to one of my friends a bit, and she has been supportive, but I still feel it's incredibly unfair to keep putting my troubles on top of her own.

Since talking to my friend, I've managed to be a little more open with my parents as well about how I'm doing. But again, I find I can't be completely open with them, I don't want them to be worrying about me. At the same time, I'm painfully aware that trying to keep things from them is just causing them to worry more about me. I've broken down crying in front of my mum more than once and been unable to explain why.

I find it to be a real struggle to get myself to do anything when I am feeling isolated and I keep trying to persuade myself that it's best if it's just me hurting, one persons suffering is preferable to multiple people's. But I don't think I can keep going as I am. I'm not able to keep it all to myself anymore, if nothing else I need to find a solution for the sake of my friends and family.

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to come out of this forum post. I don't think I've explained myself particularly well, and I'm not really looking for sympathy. I don't really want to talk about my personal circumstances in any greater detail in the thread, though I'd be a bit more willing to do so via. private messages I guess.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope it makes some sense.

[Moriwen]

Comissar: many, many hugs, if you want them, and while I don't have any specific advice, I want you to know that it's really brave of you to be able to talk both to us and to your friend.

[IronFist]

Comissar, that's tough bro.
If you ever want anyone to talk to or just to vent, feel free to PM me.

[Comissar]

Comissar: many, many hugs, if you want them, and while I don't have any specific advice, I want you to know that it's really brave of you to be able to talk both to us and to your friend.

I appreciate the sentiment

Comissar, that's tough bro.
If you ever want anyone to talk to or just to vent, feel free to PM me.

Again, appreciated. I may take you up on that in the future.

[rogueboy]

Comissar - one thing to keep in mind is that people WANT to be able to help, or at least feel like you trust them enough to share what's going on if they can't provide anything more than support. Like you, I've always defaulted to a mask to hide how I'm truly feeling, and that causes a lot of isolation, because people can't get close to you. It may be worth talking to your uni's counseling center - I got a lot of benefit out of a weekly group session with other people working on interpersonal relationships (to the point that people who knew me before I started going could see the difference, and people who didn't know me beforehand are surprised when I tell them I'm an introverted person - I went to that group for 2 years, for reference). I also went from 1 person I felt very close to before that, to 4-5 people who I'm willing to talk to about pretty much anything now (still doesn't include my parents, if you're wondering).

With that out of the way, I can offer you hugs and an open inbox if you want someone to talk to, whether about something specific or not.

[Comissar]

Yeah, I had been considering trying to go the uni. counsellor last year, though I never quite made it there. I struggled enough over summer that it's kind of forced me to re-evaluate that. What you've said kind of hammers that home as well. I'll see if they're open tomorrow (it's a bank holiday, and term time hasn't technically started again yet anyway, so they may not be).

Once again, the advice and offer to talk is appreciated.

[Mx.Silver]

So.

My grandfather is in the operating room. From what I've been told his aorta ruptured earlier this evening. Odds are about 4-to-1 he won't make-it, and I get the impression that's an optimistic prediction.
I mean, I knew something like this would happen eventually - he is in his eighties - but I'd always sort of thought it wouldn't be for a few more years.

Right now I'm just waiting for the phone to ring. There's nothing else can be done at this point.

I don't really know why I'm telling all of you this, but there it is.

[Grinner]

So.

My grandfather is in the operating room. From what I've been told his aorta ruptured earlier this evening. Odds are about 4-to-1 he won't make-it, and I get the impression that's an optimistic prediction.
I mean, I knew something like this would happen eventually - he is in his eighties - but I'd always sort of thought it wouldn't be for a few more years.

Right now I'm just waiting for the phone to ring. There's nothing else can be done at this point.

I don't really know why I'm telling all of you this, but there it is.

So...it just burst? Out of the blue?

That's awful.

[Mx.Silver]

So...it just burst? Out of the blue?

That's awful.

Apparently he had an aortic aneurysm which hadn't been spotted until it burst. But yeah, not much in the way of warning.

Got a text a few minutes ago saying he's out of the theatre and on life support, but odds still aren't looking good.

[rogueboy]

Yeah, I had been considering trying to go the uni. counsellor last year, though I never quite made it there. I struggled enough over summer that it's kind of forced me to re-evaluate that. What you've said kind of hammers that home as well. I'll see if they're open tomorrow (it's a bank holiday, and term time hasn't technically started again yet anyway, so they may not be).

Once again, the advice and offer to talk is appreciated.

Give them a call. Worst case, you get a machine, and ask them to call you back (make sure you're going to be awake on Tuesday morning!). Mostly, that means you can't back out as easily, since they're going to call you, rather than having to convince yourself to call them in a few days.

Once you do talk to someone, you'll probably go through a similar process to what I did:

1. "Intake interview" - scheduled, and on the phone: you're basically going to tell them that no, you don't have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or others (assuming that's true - if it's not, that's a completely different ballgame), it's not an emergency, some other miscellaneous questions, and then set up an appointment to talk with someone. This will take 15-20 minutes, roughly.
2. Initial meeting - scheduled, in person: this is a one-off meeting with a counselor, basically designed to establish what you want to get out of therapy, how you function, and what will work best for you to meet those goals; you'll discuss a couple different options, what (if anything) you've done in the past, and so on. I *think* this was a 1 hour appointment, but it may have only been 30 minutes. You'll know when you set it up, and it may well end early.
3. whatever you and the counselor you met with in step 2 decide. For me, it was a weekly group session, which involved another meeting with the leaders of the group to establish an understanding of the rules, guidelines, and other things related to starting, and then being told which week worked well for joining. If one-on-one ends up being what you go with, it'll be whatever you schedule, obviously.
4. Continue with the plan, modify it as necessary (allow time before deciding it isn't helpful, and know that you'll have to be trying for things to change - it'll get easier with time), and don't particularly try to notice the results. They'll be gradual enough that you won't notice them, in all likelihood.
5. Eventually, you'll be comfortable enough with it (and ignoring the stigma attached to it) to share that you're going with some close friends. Particularly if you only see them periodically, they may well be able to notice things. If not, so be it. Know that you're improving yourself, and you'll be golden.

Hopefully that's helpful (to you or anyone else) and not just unnecessary info-dumping

--------------------------------

Mr. Silver - that sucks, I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't know if it's physically or mentally possible, but it may help you to visit with him. My only hesitation in saying that is if you wind up saying goodbye, fly halfway around the world, have him wake up and ask where you are. Yes, I have first-hand experience with that. And yes, it still hurts, 6 years later (he died a year after that).

[Skeppio]

There's no hope, I'll never be truly happy. No matter what, I end up unhappy. No matter what good things happen, they can never over-shadow the badness that always exists.
I'm so bored with life. Everything about it, every interest I have, every game I play, everything I read, everything I see, it's all dull, lifeless and uninteresting. I have no creativity, it's all drained. I can't create a single thing. Not one character, story or idea that's even remotely acceptable. Anything I come up with is either nothing but a tiny thread of an idea that can't work, or it's something stupid and boring that no-one will care about and is out of my skill range, so even just trying would result in nothing but embarrassment.
My internet connection is still screwed up. I've replaced, cleaned, troubleshooted and reset every single device, wire, cord and part. Nothing helps, nothing can help. It'll go dead at random, which means I can't talk to my only friends. The people who make it worth actually getting out of bed each day. When my connection goes dead, I don't have them and without them, I have nothing.
I can't afford to transition, since it's not covered by Medicare here. I don't have the money to afford all of it, or even part of it. I can't get a job to pay for it either, since no-one will hire me no matter my credentials. I'm nothing but a waste of a life, leeching off government payments while being nothing but an embarrassment to my family, who took care of me for my entire childhood only for me to end up a failure.
I can't even find an LGBT group I can talk to. Lauren from the LGBTA thread showed me a place, but their site and all their info doesn't tell me when they meet or when they're open, like they don't even want any more people around.
I'm still alone. I was planning a movie date with a girl, but that'll be postponed for at least five more weeks, if ever, because she's starting some sort of course that will take up her free day for the week. Not that anyone would want to date me anyway, since I'm an MtF Transgender who's still male-bodied. People here aren't that understanding. If it's not immediately visible or apparent, they hate that it exists. And if I make it known straight away that I'm trans, that immediately turns people away.
I don't even qualify for the first eligibility checks to move to another place, like America or Canada. I don't even pass the first god-forsaken stage! I have an education, I speak fluent English, I have no criminal record, nor does anyone in my family (beyond one or two speeding fines or parking tickets). But that's not enough. Of course. Nothing is ever enough for anyone!
My entire existence is unnecessary. If people like me were eliminated rather than allowed to live as parasites upon society, humanity would be vastly better off. I welcome it. I'm tired of living anyway. At least by dying, I'd have done something worthwhile for once.
Extra stuff: Even in my World of Warcraft guild, members are taking out their characters in favour of other guilds, half the time people aren't even showing up for raids, we're getting absolutely ****ing nowhere, and there's nothing I can do to help. I can't even enjoy a ****ing video game! I can't even have that one little bit of enjoyment!

[dehro]

ARKJASGANPFPIBAFPNGAFSGNPASONFASOJFSAONAFSONEONGAI HGFASIHOGAPINFASNAFOJIGAOIHFASHOI{SAFNOIGOIAFSIJ{S AGOIHAGOIHGAIODSG.

that's what she said.


I'll go hide under a rock now.

[Comissar]

Give them a call. Worst case, you get a machine, and ask them to call you back (make sure you're going to be awake on Tuesday morning!). Mostly, that means you can't back out as easily, since they're going to call you, rather than having to convince yourself to call them in a few days.

*snip*

Hopefully that's helpful (to you or anyone else) and not just unnecessary info-dumping

It was very helpful, thanks. Apparently the Student Support service doesn't actually have an answer machine, though, so my phone call didn't get through. They do, however, have an online form that can be filled and e-mailed in. So I've managed to do that. They say it gets read the first working day after it's submitted, so I may be hearing back tomorrow.

[RCgothic]

There's no hope, I'll never be truly happy. No matter what, I end up unhappy. No matter what good things happen, they can never over-shadow the badness that always exists.
I'm so bored with life. Everything about it, every interest I have, every game I play, everything I read, everything I see, it's all dull, lifeless and uninteresting. I have no creativity, it's all drained. I can't create a single thing. Not one character, story or idea that's even remotely acceptable. Anything I come up with is either nothing but a tiny thread of an idea that can't work, or it's something stupid and boring that no-one will care about and is out of my skill range, so even just trying would result in nothing but embarrassment.
My internet connection is still screwed up. I've replaced, cleaned, troubleshooted and reset every single device, wire, cord and part. Nothing helps, nothing can help. It'll go dead at random, which means I can't talk to my only friends. The people who make it worth actually getting out of bed each day. When my connection goes dead, I don't have them and without them, I have nothing.
I can't afford to transition, since it's not covered by Medicare here. I don't have the money to afford all of it, or even part of it. I can't get a job to pay for it either, since no-one will hire me no matter my credentials. I'm nothing but a waste of a life, leeching off government payments while being nothing but an embarrassment to my family, who took care of me for my entire childhood only for me to end up a failure.
I can't even find an LGBT group I can talk to. Lauren from the LGBTA thread showed me a place, but their site and all their info doesn't tell me when they meet or when they're open, like they don't even want any more people around.
I'm still alone. I was planning a movie date with a girl, but that'll be postponed for at least five more weeks, if ever, because she's starting some sort of course that will take up her free day for the week. Not that anyone would want to date me anyway, since I'm an MtF Transgender who's still male-bodied. People here aren't that understanding. If it's not immediately visible or apparent, they hate that it exists. And if I make it known straight away that I'm trans, that immediately turns people away.
I don't even qualify for the first eligibility checks to move to another place, like America or Canada. I don't even pass the first god-forsaken stage! I have an education, I speak fluent English, I have no criminal record, nor does anyone in my family (beyond one or two speeding fines or parking tickets). But that's not enough. Of course. Nothing is ever enough for anyone!
My entire existence is unnecessary. If people like me were eliminated rather than allowed to live as parasites upon society, humanity would be vastly better off. I welcome it. I'm tired of living anyway. At least by dying, I'd have done something worthwhile for once.
Extra stuff: Even in my World of Warcraft guild, members are taking out their characters in favour of other guilds, half the time people aren't even showing up for raids, we're getting absolutely ****ing nowhere, and there's nothing I can do to help. I can't even enjoy a ****ing video game! I can't even have that one little bit of enjoyment!

Skeppio, I'm very sorry you feel that way. It utterly sucks that support isn't available for you from the government. Do you have mobile internet on a phone? That's my go to solution for when my broadband service goes down.

I'm not sure if anything anyone here can say anything to make you feel better except that we'd all miss you were you gone. I don't mean to be pushy, but I feel this maybe needs restating:

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

[rogueboy]

It was very helpful, thanks. Apparently the Student Support service doesn't actually have an answer machine, though, so my phone call didn't get through. They do, however, have an online form that can be filled and e-mailed in. So I've managed to do that. They say it gets read the first working day after it's submitted, so I may be hearing back tomorrow.

Glad to hear it! One other thing to remember is that unless you give them explicit permission to do so, they can't leave you a voicemail, so make sure you either a) give them permission to leave a voicemail, or b) answer when they call. Option (a) is really only a problem if you have a shared answering machine, of course.

[Skeppio]

Skeppio, I'm very sorry you feel that way. It utterly sucks that support isn't available for you from the government. Do you have mobile internet on a phone? That's my go to solution for when my broadband service goes down.

Mobile internet on my phone costs extra. As in, unreasonably expensive. As in, not an option or even close to an option.

I'm not sure if anything anyone here can say anything to make you feel better except that we'd all miss you were you gone. I don't mean to be pushy, but I feel this maybe needs restating:

Don't lie to me. I know you don't care, you and most others here don't even know who I am. It's not possible to care that much about me.

In addition to before: My friends all hate me. They ignore me, and leave me. I can see them here on GitP, on Facebook, everywhere; posting like normal, as though nothing's wrong. Except where I'm involved. They don't respond to anything I say, they pretend I'm not around and they're not online in other chat programs, so it's pretty obvious that they're blocking me. Which is a clear sign they don't want me in their life. I can't blame them, though. I wouldn't want me either.

[Haluesen]

There's no hope, I'll never be truly happy. No matter what, I end up unhappy. No matter what good things happen, they can never over-shadow the badness that always exists.
I'm so bored with life. Everything about it, every interest I have, every game I play, everything I read, everything I see, it's all dull, lifeless and uninteresting. I have no creativity, it's all drained. I can't create a single thing. Not one character, story or idea that's even remotely acceptable. Anything I come up with is either nothing but a tiny thread of an idea that can't work, or it's something stupid and boring that no-one will care about and is out of my skill range, so even just trying would result in nothing but embarrassment.
My internet connection is still screwed up. I've replaced, cleaned, troubleshooted and reset every single device, wire, cord and part. Nothing helps, nothing can help. It'll go dead at random, which means I can't talk to my only friends. The people who make it worth actually getting out of bed each day. When my connection goes dead, I don't have them and without them, I have nothing.
I can't afford to transition, since it's not covered by Medicare here. I don't have the money to afford all of it, or even part of it. I can't get a job to pay for it either, since no-one will hire me no matter my credentials. I'm nothing but a waste of a life, leeching off government payments while being nothing but an embarrassment to my family, who took care of me for my entire childhood only for me to end up a failure.
I can't even find an LGBT group I can talk to. Lauren from the LGBTA thread showed me a place, but their site and all their info doesn't tell me when they meet or when they're open, like they don't even want any more people around.
I'm still alone. I was planning a movie date with a girl, but that'll be postponed for at least five more weeks, if ever, because she's starting some sort of course that will take up her free day for the week. Not that anyone would want to date me anyway, since I'm an MtF Transgender who's still male-bodied. People here aren't that understanding. If it's not immediately visible or apparent, they hate that it exists. And if I make it known straight away that I'm trans, that immediately turns people away.
I don't even qualify for the first eligibility checks to move to another place, like America or Canada. I don't even pass the first god-forsaken stage! I have an education, I speak fluent English, I have no criminal record, nor does anyone in my family (beyond one or two speeding fines or parking tickets). But that's not enough. Of course. Nothing is ever enough for anyone!
My entire existence is unnecessary. If people like me were eliminated rather than allowed to live as parasites upon society, humanity would be vastly better off. I welcome it. I'm tired of living anyway. At least by dying, I'd have done something worthwhile for once.
Extra stuff: Even in my World of Warcraft guild, members are taking out their characters in favour of other guilds, half the time people aren't even showing up for raids, we're getting absolutely ****ing nowhere, and there's nothing I can do to help. I can't even enjoy a ****ing video game! I can't even have that one little bit of enjoyment!

Sounds like things are quite awful right now. It was good when you were happy...everything else I'm going to say to you I will say in spoilers, because it may be long.

Spoiler

Show

Firstly I may as well point out that RCGothic is right, and if you are considering death then seeking help is the best thing you can do. That said, I believe you might need more than that. You were talking about feeling forsaken or blocked by your friends, but you can't know that is the case, and you should really just let them try to show otherwise. Unless someone directly tells you that they don't want to talk to you, you can't know for certain what their actual thoughts are. Maybe there are good specific reasons some of these people can't respond to you. Maybe some of them really are asses. I just think that it isn't as clear cut and negative as you feel it is.

As for your thoughts about life, well yeah I will admit there are times when life seems boring. That is when it is most important that you try to find something else about life. Look into anything else that you haven't before, different activities, different movies, different music, different websites...change all that you can and hopefully something interesting will show up. And again about assuming what others will think: you can't know how people in the world will react to anything you make. Sure some probably will dislike it, but that is because there are so many different people with differing worldviews and thoughts on what they like. The same rule assures that whatever you make, there will be a group of people that enjoy it. If you feel stuck or don't like an idea then okay, but don't use audience reactions as a reason not to do something.

Truthfully I have no clue what can be said about your internet connection. But this sounds like you at least have some people who are important to you. So there has to be something that can work it out.

Now I need to ask: have you ever murdered someone? Or other heinous similar acts that I cannot state? If you have...then I do not know what to say. But unless you have truly done evil deeds, then you are not worthless.Just not having skills or being rude to people sometimes or anything like that does not make you worthless! And I hate to see that people think that way. There is always a worth to existence. Rather than feeling bad that you can't find yours, I think you need to look harder for it. But I'm just some guy on the internet. I can't say for sure that you haven't tried looking. But hey, the fact that you came here in the first place to talk about all of this means you are at least hoping that things can get better, that someone can help or do something. Which to me at least says that you are worthy of getting support.

There are a few other things you mentioned there, like problems finding romance and with being transgender and finding groups to talk to, that I do not feel able to talk to you about. I wish I could, but I just don't feel like I understand enough to help. At least I won't lie and make up bullcrap to you though trying to pretend that I know everything.

And if none of what I said matters, if none of the above strikes a cord to you, I do have a couple last things to say. Firstly if you are honestly considering death as a more "worthy" option (trust me it isn't), then that just means you have even more reason to strive for just about anything else? Because at this point what more do you have to lose? I don't like that logic really but maybe it will mean more to you than it did to me when I read it. If death is really all that you can think of, then you don't even have your life to lose. Which means you can put absolutely everything into whatever you want. More reason to strive for companionship, recognition, friendship, talent, all of it. It's just the very strongest reason to live on and try harder at whatever strikes your fancy.

But you make a point on one thing. We are random people on the internet, unless some of them aren't. I don't know much about you except what you have posted, and you don't know crap about me. But I will at least say a bit about myself, just on the hopes that it is enough for you to at least take me seriously.

I'm 21, live with my disabled grandma going to online college, that I am still struggling with. I have been attending college for at least 4 years now and still do not have a degree or any real applicable skills. I keep going though because this is the path I have devoted myself to, despite there probably being more practical options. I have a girlfriend who lives over 1000 miles away, who I mostly only have phone calls with and the occasional video chat, whose family doesn't even know about me because they would disapprove of a long distance relationship like this because they don't know me. As far as they are concerned I could be a kidnapper or rapist or just wanting money, so I shouldn't be trusted. I am none of those things and stay together with her to prove that it can work out, despite how low my hopes on it usually get. Even the 2 relationships I have had I didn't actively try to make them happen. I met my girlfriend by being a random person online, actually trying to give her relationship advice! Falling for her or getting together with her didn't cross my mind at all until months of contact with her. And I hate myself. You think of yourself as worthless and more, well I may not see myself as useless but I do think I am a bad person. I won't go into why other than that my philosophies and thoughts on life or horrid, and I acknowledge this. Yet still I have family that cares, somehow miraculously have a girlfriend, and try to complete school. I've been so devoted to this plan that I spent a few months homeless just trying to make it work. And sometimes honestly it all gets to me, and I just start to hate the world we live in. Sometimes I think everyone should die, just to be merciful to those who deserve it. Yet I shake it off and go on. Which is why it bothers me that the world is so horrible to you, someone I don't really know who I still feel deserves hope.

I hope any of this helps you. And I hope you can find some real help, and I pray that this girl and you end up getting together and being very happy. I mean that. I'm not lying about any small bit of it. So...yeah. Not sure how to end a speech that long...

[Skeppio]

Sounds like things are quite awful right now. It was good when you were happy...everything else I'm going to say to you I will say in spoilers, because it may be long.

I remember that brief moment too. Back to normal now though.

In any case, I talked to a friend, and got back to a happy mood. But then I fell back down and they logged off far earlier than usual to get away from me and my horribleness.
It's pretty clear now that I'm doomed to keep ****ing up. It's in my nature. It'll always happen, I'll always drive good friends away, I'll always be lonely and I'll always ruin people's days.

Of course I feel remorse afterwards. I always do. But that's no excuse. If I feel remorse, I should have enough moral fibre to have stopped myself in the first place!

I was seeing a therapist for two damn years, and look at me now. They'd be so ashamed to see all their work wasted.

[Haluesen]

I remember that brief moment too. Back to normal now though.

In any case, I talked to a friend, and got back to a happy mood. But then I fell back down and they logged off far earlier than usual to get away from me and my horribleness.
It's pretty clear now that I'm doomed to keep ****ing up. It's in my nature. It'll always happen, I'll always drive good friends away, I'll always be lonely and I'll always ruin people's days.

Of course I feel remorse afterwards. I always do. But that's no excuse. If I feel remorse, I should have enough moral fibre to have stopped myself in the first place!

I was seeing a therapist for two damn years, and look at me now. They'd be so ashamed to see all their work wasted.

...you really shouldn't consider depressed "normal". Even if it actually is, it is usually better for you to not think of it like that. To spite those kind of thoughts.

I again highlight what I said earlier: you don't know exactly why your friend logged off, unless they specifically said why. Maybe they had an emergency or appointment. No clue honestly. That said, maybe this is a bit off, but it is good that something was able to cheer you up even just for a bit. What exactly usually makes you happy again (Do not answer if none of my business, again not trying to be nosy.)

Until you really certainly KNOW and are not assuming from depression, then you shouldn't think that your friends are leaving you. A close friend of mine here is very similar. Always believes that it is just natural that people either leave because of her, or become friends just to screw her over later (this has sadly happened before). I tell her the same, it isn't always her, or the way she thinks it is. And sometimes, sometimes, if that really is the reason, then a good friend would stay by you to try to help or support; the very fact that they left makes them not good in the first place. A good friend does what they can to aid their friends, and if they cannot explains why. What exactly do you have to feel sorry for? What makes you think you drove anyone away?

Lastly, depression isn't something that is just fixed after some time. It's always there, and there will always be bad times. I've had a few friends in such a way for long enough to know just a little bit. They have times when they are happy and great, but there are always times when it comes back. So I guess, what I'm trying to do here is show you that and hopefully say something kind or supportive enough for it to help, even just a bit, unless someone else does that for you better.

[Comissar]

Skeppio, barring my recent posts here, you probably don't know me particularly well. That said, I feel I ought to say something. Spoilered for length.

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I've read a fair few of your posts, along with the responses to them, and it's safe to say that you would be sorely missed if you were gone. I've not really got anything much to say beyond what's already been said, but it does warrant repeating.

First and foremost, you have worth. The help and advice people are offering you shows that they genuinely care about what happens to you. It can be a hard thing to see, I struggle to see it in my own life at times, but other people do value you. You may think it's not possible to be valued as an anonymous person, but the thing is, you're not some blank face with a name attatched. You are a unique person. You've shared stories about your life and have helped other people with theirs. That makes you more real to me than most of the people I walk past and bump into every day. The fact that I've never seen you in person, or even talked directly to you until now, does not change that in any way. I would care if you were no longer around. A lot of people would care.

As an addition to that first point, the actions of others are not your fault. Everyone makes their own decisions, some good and some bad. That can lead to hurting other people, which does suck. But unless you've done something truly heinous, we're talking at the level of murdering a member of their family here, you cannot blame yourself for how others act around you. I'll use the example of your WoW guild here. People leaving the guild happens. Maybe they're just bored of WoW, maybe they've got a friend who's just started up a guild, or maybe they've got a friend who's the same level and they want to be in the same guild. Try not to let it get you down, these things happen. Since you're talking about raids, I assume you're around max. level. One of my friends is in a guild that raids regularly, if you like I can put you in contact with him. I don't know if it's the same realm, but it might be worth looking at. As a side note, games are meant to be fun. If you're genuinely finding WoW to be more frustrating than enjoyable, take a short break, maybe look at some of the Free to Play games that are around. There's always new stuff to find, it can't hurt to look.

This bit doesn't really relate to the first two, but it's worth saying as well. People can be really cruel. There's a very unfortunate tendency to demonise anything that's unknown or unusual. Don't let that make you feel like you've done something wrong. I'll admit to not really knowing much about the LGBT community, or even many people who belong to it, but I admire the people who are brave enough to declare themselves as a part of it. That kind of courage is incredible. I won't pretend to understand the difficulties that you run into because of how you identify yourself, I think it would be disingenuous to do so, but don't think any less of yourself because of who you want to be. I recently went to my cousins wedding, she and her wife are now on their honeymoon together. All of my family were there for the wedding, and everyone was very happy for them. The world is becoming more accepting, I'm sorry that you're struggling to find acceptance around your home.

For things to do, inspiration can be hard to come by. One thing I can recommend doing is just taking a walk. Don't have a goal in mind, just walk somewhere that you've never been before, or retread a road you've not traveled in some time. If you can, get out into the countryside. If you can't, a park could do the same trick. If nature isn't your thing, wander around the city. It may sound like a cliched thing to do, but I find it helps. While I was working in my gap year, I'd use my lunch breaks to just wander out of town and find a place to sit for a while. I only got about 10 mins to sit, but the walk there and back was pleasant. Another thing to do is to set up a routine. Perhaps join a local swimming pool if you enjoy swimming. Just go down for an hour or so, make it a part of your routine. Maybe meet up with local friends for a coffee once a week. Just set things up that you can look forward to, things that will give you a change of scenery.

Traveling to other countries is a pain. My gap year was spent working at a photography store. One of the things we did was take passport and visa photo's. I'll admit to not knowing much about the process beyond that, but even just the photo's are needlessly stringent and difficult. What specific issues are you having in being eligible?

I know you said you're having trouble with your internet connection, but, without wanting to assume too much, nonetheless I'm happy to talk to you if you need to. I'll admit that time zone differences could make that tricky, I'm literally on the other side of the world to you, but I'm on my computer regularly outside of uni hours. I can send you my skype info. if you want to talk in real time, or we could just talk via. PM.

And finally, because this cannot be overstated enough, you have worth. If you think that you don't, consider this. In the billions of years the universe has existed, there has never been somebody like you. In the billions of years to come, there will never again be someone like you. That, if nothing else, makes you worthwhile.

[Skeppio]

I have no worth. If I didn't keep this thread up, someone else would. I didn't even originally create it, nor did I spearhead the original thread (back when it was called the Depression Thread). All I did was ride on the coattails of far better people.

I know I drove my friends away because I was arguing with them to the point that they said they were leaving. They do try to help. They try more than I deserve. But they can't help, because I'm too horrible and evil to be saved, and in the end all they can do is walk away before I drag them under too. They'll probably forgive me after a while. I don't understand why they would though. I don't deserve it.

I still have zero creativity. Looking outside, going outside, looking up things online, nothing helps. Nothing interests me anymore. Not one single thing. It's like I'm barely alive anymore. I just go through the motions each day. I can't do a damn thing...

As for WoW, the guild needs me. We're not a big guild, so every member that can raid helps. Plus I'm the raid leader, not that I couldn't be replaced. In fact, I'd be easily replaced. I'm just a damage-dealer, not like I'm an important role like healer or tank. My class is solely a damage-dealer and the only class I enjoy playing, so I'm essentially useless to the guild.

As for traveling, I don't have the money. And to emigrate, I apparently don't have enough funds/qualifications, despite being a fluent english speaker, having a diploma-level degree and previous job experience with good references. Apparently it's just not enough.

Again, I don't have worth. I can't possibly have worth. Nothing about could benefit a single living person. As for the phrase Comissar said "In the billions of years the universe has existed, there has never been somebody like you. In the billions of years to come, there will never again be someone like you.", that's a good thing indeed. It means no-one in older times had to put up with me, and once I'm dead there'll never be another me to ruin anyone's day.

[Comissar]

Again, spoilered for length.

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I have no worth. If I didn't keep this thread up, someone else would. I didn't even originally create it, nor did I spearhead the original thread (back when it was called the Depression Thread). All I did was ride on the coattails of far better people.

"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." - Newton

You may not have made the original thread, but you have kept it going. It doesn't matter if somebody else would've done or not, you were the one to do it. Your thread directly lead to me coming here for help and finally trying to sort out my own problems. We can torture ourselves forever with what might have been. What matters is what is. Your threads have given people the help they seek and space to talk deeply about what matters to them. You are directly responsible for that, and it is an amazing thing that you've done. And it was you that did it.

I know I drove my friends away because I was arguing with them to the point that they said they were leaving. They do try to help. They try more than I deserve. But they can't help, because I'm too horrible and evil to be saved, and in the end all they can do is walk away before I drag them under too. They'll probably forgive me after a while. I don't understand why they would though. I don't deserve it.

Emphasis mine. That is entirely untrue. I've not seen a single thing you've said here that would make me think that. You may say that it's because you've put a mask on for the forum, but if you were truly horrible and evil then you wouldn't have tried to look like anything but that. I understand the confusion at why people would want to tolerate you, much less be friends with you. Really, I do, that's part of what I'm trying to deal with right now. The important thing is that they do care about you. I found this to be quite profound when I first saw it, hopefully you'll feel the same way.

I still have zero creativity. Looking outside, going outside, looking up things online, nothing helps. Nothing interests me anymore. Not one single thing. It's like I'm barely alive anymore. I just go through the motions each day. I can't do a damn thing...

Don't go outside to seek inspiration. Go outside for the sake of going outside. I know I've already said it, but make a fresh routine. Arrange to meet friends regularly, not for anything major, just to chat about the world and have a coffee. They'll be happy to see you.

As for WoW, the guild needs me. We're not a big guild, so every member that can raid helps. Plus I'm the raid leader, not that I couldn't be replaced. In fact, I'd be easily replaced. I'm just a damage-dealer, not like I'm an important role like healer or tank. My class is solely a damage-dealer and the only class I enjoy playing, so I'm essentially useless to the guild.

Like I said, when a game stops being fun you kinda need to step away for a little while. Guilds come and go, it happens. It sucks, but it does happen. I'm part of a guild on a different game that's been around for a very long time. We used to be one of the biggest, now I'm often one of the only ones on in the guild. Don't drive yourself to frustration over WoW. If you've got a weekly meet up for raiding, then stick to that, but take some time away from it outside of that. You don't need to be present there all the time.

As for traveling, I don't have the money. And to emigrate, I apparently don't have enough funds/qualifications, despite being a fluent english speaker, having a diploma-level degree and previous job experience with good references. Apparently it's just not enough.

I'm afraid I can't offer any words of wisdom here. Traveling is tough and expensive, which is very unfortunate. What kind of qualifications are they asking for? And what's your degree in?

Also, you've achieved a diploma-level degree. That's something to be proud of, no matter what mark you got in it. I know plenty of people who haven't managed the equivalent.

Again, I don't have worth. I can't possibly have worth. Nothing about could benefit a single living person. As for the phrase Comissar said "In the billions of years the universe has existed, there has never been somebody like you. In the billions of years to come, there will never again be someone like you.", that's a good thing indeed. It means no-one in older times had to put up with me, and once I'm dead there'll never be another me to ruin anyone's day.

Skeppio, the threads you've made have already benefited many people, myself included. It doesn't matter if someone else would have made them because they didn't. You did. The world would be poorer for your loss were you to die.

I need to head into uni to do some work now, but I'll be back on later.

[rogueboy]

I have no worth. If I didn't keep this thread up, someone else would. I didn't even originally create it, nor did I spearhead the original thread (back when it was called the Depression Thread). All I did was ride on the coattails of far better people.

What you're describing is called imposter syndrome, and it's not at all uncommon. Basically, it's the fear that whatever you're doing, you aren't doing it well enough and that you probably shouldn't be there. Everyone suffers from that. People may not talk about it much outside of a few specific areas (grad school is the one that comes to mind), but it's pretty much always there. And even the people you see as having everything together have something that they wish they could do better, that they're just pretending to know what they're doing.

I know I drove my friends away because I was arguing with them to the point that they said they were leaving. They do try to help. They try more than I deserve. But they can't help, because I'm too horrible and evil to be saved, and in the end all they can do is walk away before I drag them under too. They'll probably forgive me after a while. I don't understand why they would though. I don't deserve it.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of having a shorter temper than usual for some unrelated reason, and they might not be able to deal with things. For example, I wound up snapping at my dad a fair amount last night after going to watch a soccer match with him. Why was I so irritable? Because we were in an industrial area, and the lack of trees was stressing me out. Was it related to anything my dad was doing? Not at all, but I still took it out on him.

I still have zero creativity. Looking outside, going outside, looking up things online, nothing helps. Nothing interests me anymore. Not one single thing. It's like I'm barely alive anymore. I just go through the motions each day. I can't do a damn thing...

I've gone through a variety of moods recently, from entirely uninspired to do anything ("going through the motions," as you say), to super excited by something, back to unmotivated (heck, I've done that in the last 5 hours). Mood swings suck when you hit the lows, but you already know that.

As for WoW, the guild needs me. We're not a big guild, so every member that can raid helps. Plus I'm the raid leader, not that I couldn't be replaced. In fact, I'd be easily replaced. I'm just a damage-dealer, not like I'm an important role like healer or tank. My class is solely a damage-dealer and the only class I enjoy playing, so I'm essentially useless to the guild.

I agree with your first 2.5 sentences. If you're not a big guild, everyone is an asset. And someone who's willing to be a raid leader is AWESOME! Also, don't think that because you aren't a tank or healer that you a) aren't important or b) don't make a good raid leader. Having played primarily as a tank/healer (depending on which character I was playing), I know that there's enough demand on my attention that I'd never be able to be the raid leader on top of that. When I was raiding (I haven't played in almost a year, now, as a lack of time led me to cancel my account and being tight on money has prevented me from restarting when I did have more time), the best raid leaders we had were all DPS classes - a mage, and a kitty druid were the primary 2 (an arms warrior would fill in occasionally, too). Plus, if you're a good DPS (you can produce decent numbers and not require excessive healing) you're tanks and (especially) healers will love having you along to raid. Nothing drove me to hate a night of raiding faster than DPS that just sat in fire and waited to be healed.

Again, I don't have worth. I can't possibly have worth. Nothing about could benefit a single living person. As for the phrase Comissar said "In the billions of years the universe has existed, there has never been somebody like you. In the billions of years to come, there will never again be someone like you.", that's a good thing indeed. It means no-one in older times had to put up with me, and once I'm dead there'll never be another me to ruin anyone's day.

You may not believe me right now, but there have been many, many people worse than you, and there will be more worse. The only thing you can do right now to make it worse for those who care for you is to take away any chance of things improving. And I know, you don't think it will. But I've watched you say that many times here over the last... I'm not even sure how long. And every time, you've come back after a week, a month, or 3 months, and things have improved. Sometimes it's short-lived, other times it lasts longer. But that's how every one of us functions - things will be great for a while, then they'll suck, and then they'll go back to being great. Sometimes there will be plateaus in between the extremes, sometimes there won't. Life is a balancing act - keep yourself from going so far out of whack at either extreme that you can't function. Right now, your balance is off.

[The Succubus]

I think part of the problem Skeppio is that you tend to see your friends as therapists. While friends are there to support one another, a friend lacks the training and knowledge necessary to deal with depression, dysphoria and everything else. Then when things spiral out of control or you become overemotional, you lash out at them because they're unable to help you the way you want and you become frustrated. There's a part of you that realises you're making a mistake and that's the part of you that makes you feel like crap after you do lash out. You don't know how to fix the problem aside from sealing yourself away.

If you want to help your friends and help yourself, then choke down your pride and go back to the same therapist you saw 2 years ago and say "I need more help". No excuses about distance, no excuses about cost, no excuses about having felt like you've let them down.

Therapy takes a long time - a colleague at work recently confided in me that they'd been in therapy for 10 years. I was surprised because I didn't know there was anything wrong with them and then they told me about the depression trouble they'd been having. My friend doesn't see them every week - sometimes it might be once a month or once every two months. When the depression does come back, as it will, she admits she needs the help. It's time you did the same.

I know this advice has not been easy reading and you're probably pissed at me - but it's what you need to hear.

[Serpentine]

What Succubus said.
If your therapist told you that you were "cured" or somesuch and wouldn't ever need to see them again, I don't know what they were thinking. Pretty much everyone I know who sees therapists either do so for a very specific, temporary reason, or for the very long term.

[RCgothic]

Don't lie to me. I know you don't care, you and most others here don't even know who I am. It's not possible to care that much about me.

Almost nobody on here actually knows who each other are. That doesn't stop them caring. You and I may not have interacted that much before because until recently I only lurked outside the D&D sections of the playground, but I've certainly not missed how you help others here and in the LGBT thread, and the playground would be poorer for your absence.

It's tough to be a friend to someone who's depressed; I've been on both sides of that fence and I think The Succubus has it absolutely right. It doesn't make them bad people for being unable to cope with what you need from them, and it certainly isn't your fault that you need that help. Life has dealt you a pretty s***ty hand and I can't say I'd cope any better by myself in your place.

Go back to your therapist. Really, it's the best thing you can do right now.

You're not worthless. You're NOT. We all consider you worth saving.

Mobile internet on my phone costs extra. As in, unreasonably expensive. As in, not an option or even close to an option.

Perhaps you're on the wrong plan? In the UK you can find sufficient data on SIM only for a pittance each month. Even if you're on pay as you go topping a small amount each month, they'll throw data allowance at you if you're on the right plan.

Or failing that, are there any free wifi hotspots near you?

[Serpentine]

Might be worth having a look at Optus for that, Skeppio. The plan I'm on gives me effectively unlimited (specifically, a limited amount that I never get through) internet on my phone. I have to add $30 credit every month for it (damn lack of roll-over...). I also get heaps of international minutes and stuff - might not be specifically what you want, but there are not unreasonable deals that include data.

[Comissar]

Well, the counselling form is officially in and read, got an e-mail from them saying they'll get in contact with me soon to make an appointment. Just a waiting game now it would seem.

[Lither]

I have good news and I have not-certain-about-this news. I might ramble a bit, so please bear with me.

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Not much changed with my life so far - still unemployed, paranoid, still having a backbone as stiff as lead, devoid of trustworthy people who insist on making comments about my sexuality and certain family members believe I'm open to discussion about how I'm shaming the family name. But overall it's been looking up.

Sleep wise, I'm getting more of it. 6-7 hours a weeknight. Marked improvement on the 2-3 (if any) I was getting before the incident. Record currently is spending five days without sleep. It hurt to breathe. Despite feeling without any energy I just couldn't sleep.

Suicidal tendencies have gone as has the depression. Was hospitalised for them once, later lost them likely due to the incident, and only two days after losing them the universe proved its sense of humour by getting me severely injured and nearly exsanguinated (is that a verb? Too bad. Using it anyway). Nice long stay there. Everything they say about hospital food? True. At least the staff were nice. If I had to deal with myself I probably would have lost my temper.

The incident I keep referring to; I met an entirely friendless person in a similar situation to myself (depressed, suicidal, dealing with family members who express various negative opinions, cannot find help in professional institutions) who had attempted and (obviously) failed suicide several times already. I talked said person out of it and now we're friends. Might sound cheesy to say it but doing that made me feel like I had actually done something good. Rather booted me out of the mire of self-esteem issues and I found most of my other issues began to go with it. I've not changed much in how badly I'll talk myself down but I don't even believe it any more.

I really just can't seem to stay miserable these days. Even a detailed lecture about how I'm a disgrace to the family name doesn't make me miserable for longer than an hour. But I've been under a lot more pressure than usual and it's beginning to show.

Now this last bit is why I post here. Recently I developed a strong twitch in my eyes. It doesn't strike both eyes at the same time, but it's severe enough to nearly close them. I believe it's linked to the upsurge in stress I feel. Thing is, after the last psychiatrist misdiagnosing me as autistic (thus causing me to waste most of a year in counselling for something I didn't have) I'm uncomfortable with the thought of seeing another one. If I see a doctor and get referred as the treatment, I'm not sure if I want to go. After all, it's not really that severe. Only hits me for maybe an hour each day. I'm really not sure what I want to say. I think I just wanted to have somewhere to vent 'cause I'm torn.

(I need a thumbs-up smiley)