Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Lycunadari]

Spoiler: Incoherent thoughts

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I wrote a letter to the other person yesterday, explaining how horrible I feel because of what they did and asking for an apology. I made clear that I don't hate them but that I'm very upset and that I need to talk to other people about what happened so I can heal.
I know that it is the right thing to do to confront the person, because staying silent was eating me up, and I have every right to do whatever I need to heal, but I am so, so scared. What if they get angry, or deny that anything wrong happend? What if they have forgotten what they did and now think I'm making this up? What if they ignore the letter?
I feel like this might be the biggest mistake i ever made. What if their reaction, whatever it might be, doesn't help me heal? Then I've ruined my relationship to a person I like very much for nothing.
I have planned writing this letter for weeks, but now that I've actually sent it, I feel so unreal. Like, did this really happen? Did I really write this down and sent it away, the thing I didn't even dare mention in my diary because that would mean accepting it really happened?
Before, it was only a bunch of bad memories and feelings, something I only spoke about with my boss and the lady at the helpline. It's like I still hoped that it would go away if I just never let anyone (else) know about it. But now that I wrote it down, and sent it to the person, I have to truly acknowledge that it happened and have to deal with it. I can't just avoid thinking about it anymore. Dealing with it isn't something I will do some day if I'm feeling I'm ready. I have to do it now and I can't go back. Forgetting isn't an option any longer.
Keeping quiet was hurting me, but at least I had some sort of control, with only my own emotions and actions mattering, and it was something I knew and was accustomed to. Now I feel like I'm exposed, I don't know what will happen, how they will react and what I will do now. And it feels so unreal that I did this step, like I can't believe that I actually gave up the "safety" I had in repressing these thoughts and feelings and voluntarily exposed myself to the anxiety and uncertainty of opening up, with no way to go back.

[dehro]

What if they get angry, or deny that anything wrong happend? What if they have forgotten what they did and now think I'm making this up? What if they ignore the letter?

Then that's on him, not you. You shouldn't depend on his reaction to validate how the situation made you feel. Him not accepting or recognizing it doesn't make the thing unhappen or any less real to you.
He can only accept that you took whatever occurred badly and decide whether he wants to do anything about it or not. The manner of his reaction (of lack thereof), and the level of respect towards you that derives from it, should dictate your further course of action or train of thoughts. If he shows he cares about you and what happened and speaks out on it or tries to rectify the status quo or make amends, that's one thing.. if he lashes out or gives you the cold shoulder treatment, it's another.. but you really should not depend on him to decide whether the action you took (of writing) and the feelings you felt about it are justified or validated. that is your call to make, not his.

[Grytorm]

Well I am starting antidepressants soon. Maybe tomorrow. Some of the time I feel a bit afraid of a change in who I am brought about by the antidepressants.

Spoiler: Trigger?

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What catalyzed the prescription was serious thoughts of suicide. And they are still present gnawing away. Telling me to get out before to late. Get out before I continue living a pointless nonproductive life.

[Lycunadari]

Spoiler: Update (Good news!)

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They replied immediately. Seriously, I know that the post arrives at about 10am, and the email they wrote me came at 10.30am. They actually thanked me for writing and confronting them, because they had wanted to apologise for a long time but weren't brave enough and told themselves that maybe I wanted to forget it, so me writing them made that excuse mute and gave them the opportunity to actually apologise. They wrote that they are deeply sorry and hope that I can someday accept that apology. And they hope that the apology will help me feel better, because they really care about me.
They don't understand themselves why they did what they did back then and wish they could change it and sometimes the knowledge that they can't undo it makes them despair.
And they called me courageous (more courageous than them).

I'm so relieved. It helps me so much to know that while yes, they did a bad thing back then, they regret it deeply and care for me and the person I loved all those years isn't a despicable human being who just wears a nice mask. And, before that, I still had that (irrational) fear that maybe I was just imagining things, misremembering what had happened or making a mountain out of a molehill because my memories of what happened are so fuzzy and mostly just one "scene". And while everyone I've told about has believed me and agreed that what happened was very much Not Okay and indeed counts as [bad thing], no not getting an "what are you talking about??" from the only other person who was there and knows what happened helped me a lot.

So, while that of course doesn't make what happened any less bad, this is a huge load of my chest and a first big step on my path to healing.

[Mx.Silver]

Well I am starting antidepressants soon. Maybe tomorrow. Some of the time I feel a bit afraid of a change in who I am brought about by the antidepressants.

The thing to bear in mind with anti-depressants is that you're unlikely to feel anything from them until you've been taking them for a fair few weeks. As to what you will feel, that depends a lot on what sort of meds you're assign and how your own brain chemistry takes to them. It is however fairly unlikely that they're going to seriously alter who you are as a person all that much.

Spoiler: Trigger?

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What catalyzed the prescription was serious thoughts of suicide. And they are still present gnawing away. Telling me to get out before to late. Get out before I continue living a pointless nonproductive life.

Spoiler

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Yeah, those really aren't thoughts you want stealing space in your head. The trouble is they're going to be preying on your anxieties about medication, so you need to watch for that - especially during the early days when whatever you're taking won't have had time to kick-in. Of course that's easier said than done - those kind of thoughts can be really tenacious bastards sometimes.

[Grytorm]

The thing to bear in mind with anti-depressants is that you're unlikely to feel anything from them until you've been taking them for a fair few weeks. As to what you will feel, that depends a lot on what sort of meds you're assign and how your own brain chemistry takes to them. It is however fairly unlikely that they're going to seriously alter who you are as a person all that much.

Spoiler

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Yeah, those really aren't thoughts you want stealing space in your head. The trouble is they're going to be preying on your anxieties about medication, so you need to watch for that - especially during the early days when whatever you're taking won't have had time to kick-in. Of course that's easier said than done - those kind of thoughts can be really tenacious bastards sometimes.

Spoiler: Spoiler

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Thank you for replying. It definitely cheers me up some. I'm not that worried about the antidepressants. I still feel unhappy about myself and how immature I feel. And I am worried that antidepressants will reveal me as a worse person. Because I might not do anything to make my life better. And I will be nothing but a burden for years. I hope not. Sorry for making such a grim response. And I will try to keep cheerful.

[Amaril]

Um, hey, I have a question, and I'm not sure if this is the right place for it or not, but it seems appropriate. Let me know if otherwise.

So my birthday is coming up, and I've been inviting people to my party. The thing is, I sort of have two groups of friends at the moment who don't know each other, but I don't want to leave either of them out because I really like hanging out with all of them. One is my friends from school, and the other is a group I know from other things (originally through a local Homestuck fan group, and expanded beyond that since). Both are comprised of perfectly lovely people who I can easily imagine getting along, but most of the latter group is a bit more energetic and outgoing than most of the former, and I'm a little concerned that my school friends might be nervous around my non-school ones, at least at first. What should I do here? Should I just invite all my friends, or do I have to sacrifice spending my birthday with one group for the sake of not making the other uncomfortable? Thoughts appreciated.

[dehro]

The levels of energy being the only mayor difference, I'd just invite them all and let them sort themselves out.
Who knows, maybe that mix is beneficial to both.
Otherwise, it's a perfect excuse to have two parties

[Gnomvid]

Spoiler: Spoiler

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Thank you for replying. It definitely cheers me up some. I'm not that worried about the antidepressants. I still feel unhappy about myself and how immature I feel. And I am worried that antidepressants will reveal me as a worse person. Because I might not do anything to make my life better. And I will be nothing but a burden for years. I hope not. Sorry for making such a grim response. And I will try to keep cheerful.

Well to be honest a lot of us feel that way at one point or another in our lives, this does not mean we are correct in that we are pointless and a burden to everyone else. The thing is we cannot always make a difference but that does not mean we are pointless.
Also if you feel immature then that's proof you are more mature then you think otherwise you would not worry about being immature as an immature person would not know what that is.
Obviously these thoughts cannot just be turned off like the flip of a switch but after a while the antidepressants will help to make them less prominent and make it easier to focus on the better points as long as that is what you actually want deep down.

[Aedilred]

Um, hey, I have a question, and I'm not sure if this is the right place for it or not, but it seems appropriate. Let me know if otherwise.

So my birthday is coming up, and I've been inviting people to my party. The thing is, I sort of have two groups of friends at the moment who don't know each other, but I don't want to leave either of them out because I really like hanging out with all of them. One is my friends from school, and the other is a group I know from other things (originally through a local Homestuck fan group, and expanded beyond that since). Both are comprised of perfectly lovely people who I can easily imagine getting along, but most of the latter group is a bit more energetic and outgoing than most of the former, and I'm a little concerned that my school friends might be nervous around my non-school ones, at least at first. What should I do here? Should I just invite all my friends, or do I have to sacrifice spending my birthday with one group for the sake of not making the other uncomfortable? Thoughts appreciated.

I have had mixed success with introducing different groups of friends to each other. Sometimes it has worked spectacularly well; other times, there's been a lot of awkwardness and sometimes outright conflict. It's quite difficult to know what'll happen before you do it; even people who you think logically should get on well sometimes don't.

Suck it and see would be my advice. It's unlikely to be disastrous if both groups are there in numbers as they can just talk to each other if they find they don't get on: while that wouldn't be ideal, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If it doesn't go well, at least you know for future not to mix those groups again.

[Durkoala]

Durkoala has been upset lately. He lost a treasured companion recently. He lost faith in two role models some time ago. He started a let's watch thread recently, and is concerned about it. He worries about his Aspergers and dislikes his shame of it.

A nervous, steady creature, who talks little about his feelings and tends to let them out in a rush.

Spoiler: In English...

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I recently started playing Dwarf Fortress, and this made it easier to start writing.
I started a thread about me watching Card Captor Sakura. This was OK, until the recent event(s) happened. Now I'm worried that I might not do it well: I might be boring to read, or not be able to keep a Schedule, or unable to handle criticism. I'm also a bit self-concisious of the fact that I'm watching an anime for young girls (I suspect the reason many Bronies are so aggressive is that they can't reconcile their manly image with watching a cartoon about pastel ponies aimed at 5-10 yr olds), but I can cope with that.

The darkest thing here is, well, I don't know how well-known Operation Yewtree is outside the UK, but for those who don't know: a deceased celberity(Jimmy Savile, who I fortunately cared little about, the bastard) was revealed to be a child molester, who used his influence to cover up hundreds of assualts. This sparked a country-wide search for similar cases, and many have been found. Aside from the very scary implications that this raises about the corruption in my home country, one person uncovered by the search was Rolf Harris.
I don't feel like typing out some of the things he was accused (and found guilty) of but I will say that I admired and enjoyed his comic work (his "serious" artistry left something to be desired) and now I feel lost. How much can you separate the artist and the art? Many people who built a support of today's world were not perfect, or even good, people by today's standards, or even by their worlds'. Is being a sexual predator too much for any feelings of admiration to be expressed about other things done in their life? I don't know.
A similar, though thankfully lesser, problem is present for another idol of mine. A few months ago, I found out the story of Ted hughes and Sylvia Plath. Both great poets, they married. Later, Hughes started an affair. When Plath found out, she committed suicide, and the world was less for it. I have always liked Hughes's poems, and the writing he did on poetry, but now I wonder if it's right to do so. I'm sure that Hughes didn't intend for his wife to die, but he was definitely doing something he shouldn't and it may have lead to a woman's death. Can you seperate the artist from the art? Is it right to ignore the flaws of the creator when looking at their work?

Right. The thing that drew all this out, is more personal, but painful. I've been avoiding writing it for as long as I can, but. Today I found out that my favourite horse died. I don't know why, but it's suspected that it may have been an anuersm or something similar. I didn't even know until today. When I got in to the yard this morning, I was taken aside and told.
He was a great horse. He was only Four/Five! He had a great sense of humour, but would usually do what he was told. Recently, I'd started riding him again as he'd been getting too wilful and was undergoing extra training. He was a greedy bugger, who ate everything he could (unless it was yellow. Weird horse). He was spirited but gentle: he never actually attcked anybody, but he would often start acting up with riders who didn't exert their authority (including me, on several occasions), pulling tricks like turning too much, running off with rider still attached, turning around when he didn't want to go forward, and walking over to the fence and refusing to move. Despite his age, he was one of the highest authories among the other horses (only found that out today). His death has left the entire yard, horses and humans both, in mourning. I'm not kidding, all the horses were unhappy today. Some of them had to be moved to other stables.

I'm not a horse expert, but I think:
Irish Draught Horse (or cross, with what, I don't know)
Chestnut
White stripe/blaze (probably the latter, but it's quite thin) with snip
Brilliant spirit
Basil
RIP

[dehro]

If we were to hold the lives, characters and inclinations of the world's artists against their artistic output, we'd be left with precious little art. Too many of them were drunks, druggies, racists, criminals, sexual predators,sometimes even murderers...hell, Michael Jackson was a few sandwiches short of a picknick, but that doesn't diminish his fundamental impact on the world music scene.

[Durkoala]

Thanks for the advice. It's still going to hard to watch Rolf, as his face is all over his work.

[Skeppio]

Why is it my dreams where I'm actually happy and get what I desire always feel so real? Just makes it all the more painful when I wake up and realise I don't have any of it and I'm just a worthless lonely loser and always will be.

Spoiler: Dream

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The dream I has was just me, except I had a girlfriend. But I should've known better than to think that could possibly have been real.

[HalfTangible]

Why is it my dreams where I'm actually happy and get what I desire always feel so real? Just makes it all the more painful when I wake up and realise I don't have any of it and I'm just a worthless lonely loser and always will be.

Spoiler: Dream

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The dream I has was just me, except I had a girlfriend. But I should've known better than to think that could possibly have been real.

The dreams feel real because they're dreams. Logic gets thrown out the window in dreamland, so you have nothing to latch onto and say 'yeah, that makes no sense'. I have dreams where I make-out with what my subconscious thinks are attractive women, despite my actual lack of interest in relationships, and I never find it odd that kissing/holding people whose names I don't know seems like a good idea at the time.

Don't think of it as a lie, think of it like an amusement park ride or a video game. Just a fun little distraction from the real world.

For making dreams feel less real: If you want to check if you're dreaming, count your fingers. You never have 10 in a dream, you always have fewer or more. (i can personally attest that this works) Try doing it in the real world too so you develop the habit and you'll do so in the dream. Then when you're lucid, you can really get into that theme park metaphor. (I recommend parkour. It's like flying, but your whole body is in motion. Even in a dream, it's pretty awesome)

[Skeppio]

The dreams feel real because they're dreams. Logic gets thrown out the window in dreamland, so you have nothing to latch onto and say 'yeah, that makes no sense'. I have dreams where I make-out with what my subconscious thinks are attractive women, despite my actual lack of interest in relationships, and I never find it odd that kissing/holding people whose names I don't know seems like a good idea at the time.

My dreams don't feel real, and I don't remember much about them afterwards. Unless it's something I truly desire, then it feels just like real life and I remember it in detail, because my mind seems to enjoy tormenting itself.

Don't think of it as a lie, think of it like an amusement park ride or a video game. Just a fun little distraction from the real world.

So you want me to not think of a lie as a lie, but then go on to say I should think of it as a lie instead? What?

For making dreams feel less real: If you want to check if you're dreaming, count your fingers. You never have 10 in a dream, you always have fewer or more. (i can personally attest that this works) Try doing it in the real world too so you develop the habit and you'll do so in the dream. Then when you're lucid, you can really get into that theme park metaphor. (I recommend parkour. It's like flying, but your whole body is in motion. Even in a dream, it's pretty awesome)

Our dreams are not the same, and I heavily doubt I'd be missing fingers in a dream that feels almost as real as when I'm awake. And I never have enough to control to think "is it a dream?" and pinch myself or anything. And trying to make certain dreams happen doesn't help. It's still all lies and delusion over things I will never have in my life because I'm a worthless loser no-one wants. I'm too old, too poor, too ugly and I don't have my own home or car or anything to offer. I'm expired goods, that's all I am, and my dreams love nothing more than to taunt me about it.

[HalfTangible]

So you want me to not think of a lie as a lie, but then go on to say I should think of it as a lie instead? What?

I mean enjoy your dreams for whatever they are; 'Lieing' and 'escapism' are two vastly different things. If the dreams weren't happy I doubt they'd be tormenting to you in this manner, and that joy you felt ain't a lie, even if the situation that brings it about is.

[Skeppio]

I mean enjoy your dreams for whatever they are; 'Lieing' and 'escapism' are two vastly different things. If the dreams weren't happy I doubt they'd be tormenting to you in this manner, and that joy you felt ain't a lie, even if the situation that brings it about is.

My point, and the reason they make me miserable in the end, is that they're not real. I can't wake up and have any of the things that made me so happy in my dreams. It's not like I'm dreaming I have super-powers, I know I can't have that outside dreams, but it's the ones that are just like my regular life but with changes that make me truly happy and content that torment me.
When I wake up, the dream was just false and the contentment I had there was likewise false. When I wake up all I have in its place is an empty void that I cannot fill. Only in my dreams is that void ever filled, because my life is different there, mostly the same but just different enough to be an infinitely better life. I have things, relationships and accomplishments I will never have in reality.

I can't enjoy that. All I have is emptiness.

[Haluesen]

Why is it my dreams where I'm actually happy and get what I desire always feel so real? Just makes it all the more painful when I wake up and realise I don't have any of it and I'm just a worthless lonely loser and always will be.

Spoiler: Dream

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The dream I has was just me, except I had a girlfriend. But I should've known better than to think that could possibly have been real.

Because most of the people in the world do not control their dreams, or what they feel or desire. HT's advice is sound, and if you can practice methods to control your dreams (which I am certain do exist) then you could try to end such dreams that cause these feelings, if they will make you feel better. I'm sorry to say that my words though are just from what I can think of. I do not know anything like this situation you have, I've never felt a dream that felt real...well okay I have but only nightmares, and they stopped feeling real afterward. So...I don't know what else, except try to control the dreams so they don't push you around, and I hope you can feel better because I still assert that you are not a loser, or anything like worthless. *support hugs*




Well I haven't really poked my head in here in awhile. Of course I have to have reasons for it. I'm still not very good at talking about stuff this way but I kinda think I should, so I'm going to try. It'll probably be rambly and long, so spoilered.

Spoiler: Stuff

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A lot of people could see me, those that know me, and think I'm doing fine. I can keep up a smile or a laugh sometimes, and often I am pretty happy. But lately, there's been a lot less of that. Anytime that I feel happy always feels temporary and unenjoyable. I can forget my worries for awhile but it always comes back. Sometimes all of it hits so hard that I just don't want to do anything. I sit here on the computer doing nothing, or listen to a few songs without paying attention to the lyrics, until it passes. It's so much. Everything and everyone around me is moving forward, progressing in their life, and I feel like I'm not. More than that, I feel like in some ways that I am going backward in progress. I tried college classes but those messed up in 3 schools. I messed those up. I just could not keep myself focused enough to do my work when I don't have an actual physical class to go to. So all that is wasted, and now I have a very short time until I have to start paying the loans for those years of schooling. So I need to get a job, but up here that a shot in the dark. I have little experience, and there are not a lot of openings. I'm going to try anyway but I always doubt actually being able to get work. I'm trying to join the Job Corps in my state for a chance, but that hasn't been going so well, keep having small setbacks that are demoralizing after everything else. So I have loans to pay and no way to manage it. I wasted time and money for almost nothing.

My mood and opinions change and bounce around wildly. Sometimes I think that things in the world can be helped and I want desperately to be part of what makes things better. Other times I feel like it would be better if everyone just died, at once. I'll be hopeful to cynical in the space of 5 minutes no matter how hard I try to keep hope. Doesn't help that I know a fair number of people who see my cynical points of view as more enlightened. I wouldn't say that I have had any major traumas in life but I'm just that kind of caring enough person that seeing and hearing and learning the suffering that other people in the world go through, especially people I know, is enough to drive me crazy. It's like breaking down a bit every week, then getting myself put back together again but not knowing when the next breaking might be.

To top things off I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3/almost 4 years. I know this is not the thread for that but it contributes to all this, the feeling that after these years after high school I've made no progress in my life at all. And I can't decide anymore whether I should think "try harder" or "not worth it". I think I could even take it if I only had to deal with one of these things, but I'm not.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here. This is the place to post the woes in my life without being judged, so I am doing just that. I'm not sure what advice I am looking for. But I do wish I knew what I could do, and why I can't stop feeling so hopeless and broken and just tired by all of this.

[Serpentine]

Remember this?

Spoiler: Just a low-grade whinge.

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At the start of the year I made a new year's resolution: to stop chasing after the people who won't make time for me and spend that energy and emotion on the people who will. For the most part just having that resolution has actually helped quite a bit.
But now I don't have any regular uni hours and I haven't found a job, and for some reason (possibly due to the extra time on my hands) I've started getting really bummed out over one friend in particular who prompted that resolution. I've whinged about him a lot, but a refresher: he was one of my closest friends when I first moved to this city; he called me his best friend, and I'm still kicking myself for not having that spark of romantic potential to make it worth trying to have a relationship with him. I hooked him up with my other closest friend, and since then he has had basically no interest in or concern for me whatsoever.
Almost a year ago I got into a really dark place and really needed to spend some time with him. After a bit of nagging he turned up, then left an hour or two later to hang with his girlfriend. He then proceeded to basically not talk to me at all. Towards the end of my dark Mood I wrote an email to him explaining the issues I was having and how much I needed him to be there for me as a friend. He exploded at me in response - after a week or more of me waiting - with abuse and swearing and all that. I eventually managed to turn it into something like a useful conversation (by making it about him and his problems), and we eventually met up and we had a D&M, we seemed to have an understanding, and he promised to try to be a better friend.
That conversation was about 11 months ago. He's barely talked to me since, never of his own initiative, and I haven't seen him in person at all outside of the larps and parties we both happened to be invited to, at which we rarely interact, never for long or with much depth. Now that I've left those games even that much will be much rarer (although I have joined a different type that he's also in, with some misgivings in case my presence bothere him). A couple of times I've asked him how he's going and he just shut me down.
His birthday's coming up in a couple of days, and I've got myself convinced he's having some bash for it that I'm just not invited to. It's stupid, and I'm probably wrong, and it probably wouldn't be much fun for me to go just to be ignored by him again anyway, but it's still getting to me. I'm half surprised he still has me as a Facebook friend.
I should let it go, just let this friendship finish dying its natural death, give up on him and move that attention on to other friends. But he meant so much to me, and I thought I used to mean so much to him, and lately it's just getting to me again that that, and I, apparently mean so little to him now

I talked briefly to his girlfriend today, and she told me that "he doesn't have any problem with" me, but hasn't been talking to me because "he knows" she has jealousy issues about me. So now I'm doubly pissed off: at her for causing a friendship that meant a great deal to me to crumble to the point where referring to him as "a friend of mine" feels like a lie; and at him for going along with it
To her, I'd like to point out that cutting someone off from their friends is a sign of an abusive relationship. It might've been through influence rather than a direct demand, but it's still pretty ****ty a thing to do.
With him, even if she talks to him andhe starts talking to me again, how can I trust him? How little must my friendship have meant to him? Just how far down the hierarchy am I? I had an argument online with another mutual friend a little while ago, he gonna dump me as a friend over that too?

She ruined a friendship that meant a whole lot to me but apparently meant so little to him that he went along with it without so much as a word of explanation to me. I has, all in all, a very miffed

[HalfTangible]

So earlier today i found a little booklet hidden amongst the soda i drink that tells the story of what happens when you die and face God for final judgement that's meant to make the reader examine their life, realize they've done bad things, come to jesus and blah blah blah. The back of it has 'someone who cares' printed on it. Not so subtle of a hint that I'm a bad person and need to do better. Can't say they're wrong - I've stolen from people I called my friends before. Among other things, including generally being an angry ****.

So... one very long train of thought later and I want to get to that judgement sooner. I would very much like to just keel over. I'm not going to accomplish anything else while I'm on this rock. I was always going to burn in hell forever, so can we just get to it and get it over with?

I'm sick of existing. I've been sick of existing for a long, long time. The one thing I'm actually good at, that ACTUALLY gives me joy, is apparently worthless to everyone around me. I have no friends, my own family is full of jackasses and apparently also thinks I'm going to hell because I'm an angry jackass. (it's almost hilarious how hypocritical this is).

I don't want to kill myself, but I'm not going to care if I die.

I'm just sick of this miserable rock... I want to just curl up in a corner and sob until judgement day. Why not? Nothing I can do to make this place any better.

[sktarq]

Nothing I can do to make this place any better.

Ha! Nope you're not getting a hug from me... well not yet. See that arm that you typed that with? It has power, okay not much necessarily. Armies don't rush off to fix the world's problems when you sign an order. But it has power and it is up to you what you do with it. You steal from someone you call a friend and you may not have changed the world but you changed theirs. . . and this makes you feel bad (eventually). So do something nice. Comfort the sad, dejected, or ill. Help out someone. Listen when someone needs to talk or even just not feel alone in world that very often doesn't seem to care. That may seem small and that you haven't changed the world but you almost certainly have changed that persons world and that's what matters. Judgment day isn't going get up and show up tommorrow for you but every morning when you look in the mirror is a bit of that. It is the self judgment. And it can really really suck. Be as nice as you can and realise when those little things you do (even just a smile to a stranger) actually do make the world a bit better, usually because you made one person's life a bit better and we're all stuck on this miserable rock together so the world is a bit better.

and *hug* seems like you need it.

[Ammutseba]

I'm having a bad go of it.

A couple of months ago, my wife got a concussion while grabbing something out of the car. Her job was very mentally taxing, and even after she recovered, she couldn't go back. I worked part time, and I was happy to pick up more hours while she found a different source of income. Unfortunately, I couldn't get enough hours, and I couldn't find a second job, and I started falling behind on rent and bills, and she wasn't able to find any form of work. It's just not possible for her, since she's suffered from crippling anxiety since her concussion. I don't begrudge her anything. I'm happy to support her regardless of what's going on. Ultimately, I had to borrow money from friends to make it by, but it wasn't fixing my situation. It just made me fail more slowly.

Last month, I didn't have enough money for rent. If I paid late, I could make it happen and everything would be fine. Ish, as long as I found more income soon. I woke up one morning and noticed a weird bump on the back of my foot. I thought it was nothing; it would go away in a couple of days. Two days from then, it hurt to walk and the bump had gotten larger. I went to urgent care, where I was told my Achilles' tendon had inflamed, and that I needed to take it easy. This wasn't possible. I deliver pizzas for a living. Part time, without breaks. I got a medical boot and notice of light duty for work. That might have worked out, if there was such a thing as light duty in my line of work. There is not. In the end, by continuing to work on a bad foot, I made the problem worse and had to be taken off work indefinitely.

Our landlord was not very understanding of our situation. Begrudgingly, he gave us three days to get our things out of the apartment. He didn't need to evict us. Our lease was month-to-month and we hadn't paid for the current month. Legally, we were already vagrant and he could have pressed charges at any time.

We moved into the basement of a friend. I am in that basement now, essentially confined the to area while I try to get my leg to start working properly again. I wore the medical boot too long, and made my problem worse than it already was. I strained my gastrocnemius, my plantaris is inflamed, and my Achilles' tendon is still inflamed. This is my right foot. Even if it were possible to deliver pizzas with a crutch or cane, I can't drive, and my boss, understanding of sports-like injuries, has stated that until he has a note from a doctor specifically stating that I'm at 100% and have no special needs, am unable to work. Unwelcome in the store, specifically. Even when I heal, I don't know if I can get my doctor to create such a document. It doesn't seem like it. I think I'm being dismissed by my job.

I've been able to keep it together until this point. I was okay. Mostly. Going a little stir crazy, so I've been working on a homebrew game system to pass the time. Got a lot of good work done.

I'm out of money. As of yesterday, a large, unexpected payment came out of my account. I had meticulously tracked my spending to make sure we could continue to eat, but I made a mistake. I forgot about the car insurance payment. Why would I think about that? I haven't driven my car in weeks. The account overdrafted, and four pos purchases I made went in after the car insurance, despite my having made those purchases first. I'm hundreds of dollars in the hole from overdraft fees, and I have no means of securing any income.

Today, my wife left. It's too stressful for her here. She's going to be staying with a friend for a little while. I'm starting to fall apart. I don't know what to do now. I can't heal any faster...

I'm open to advice. Just saying.

[dehro]

so.. after reading the latest entries, I feel kinda inadequate, in a good way, I guess.
what I'm saying is that my problems seem rather inconsequential and trivial compared to some of the major crap some people live through.

Spoiler: but since this is the internets, I shall bore you with them anyway, because I can

Show

I'm 36, live in a house that I pay very little rent for on account of how the landlord is my dad, who lives close enough for it to be called next door. (but yes, I do pay rent)
I have a job, which is a blessing in the current economy in my country. in fact it is a job that is potentially very rewarding, financially... or it would be if the economy was better and if I was better at my job.
I game with a couple of friends (gaming friends? we used to do more more together socially, now we don't as much, due to "the couple" both of whom gamed, imploding, one of the exes leaving the group and other consequent issues) every week unless one of us can't make it for one or the other reason. I have a few friends outside that group (well... mostly one), whom I meet on occasion for drinks and dinner.
I own a car (essential tool for my profession of salesman). I live in an area of the country that is still doing fairly well compared to how things are going elsewhere.
I like to think I'm well spoken, educated, well travelled, can be funny on occasion, have a reasonably relaxed attitude towards life in general and the main social issues that may surface in debate.
I've never been a big womaniser but have had more than a fair share of success in the past, albeit of the more fleeting variety.

so.. there shouldn't really be a reason for me to complain at all.. and complaining isn't in my nature anyway. In fact writing this I find myself struggling for words, which is completely against my nature, at least in writing, where I tend to be longwinded, to put it mildly. Edit: I lied, this is turning out to be one of the long texts, so I don't blame you if you choose to ignore it.

Yet I find myself to be unsatisfied, stagnating, in a slowly creeping downward spiral and unhappy.

let's go over things again.
I live on my own. I live in a studio flat with an extra room underneath it for storage and a great big garden which I share with 2 other properties; a garden that my neighbour tends to in exchange for paying a lower rent to my dad. The studio flat is well put together, I sleep in a mezzanine/loft (not sure what the proper term is.. I have a bedroom area and don't sleep on the couch). I pay very little for it and its location allows me to be on hands when my dad needs me on account of having Parkinsons disease.
I dislike having to live there for 2 reasons.
1) location: as pretty as it is, I need to get in the car for the simplest of errands and I have never really integrated in the nearby village, where I am on speaking terms with the neighbours, the pharmacist and don't know anybody else, mostly through my fault. What social life I have revolves around a city that is 30 km away.
2) I'm forced: despite my high brow job title, I make a pittance and couldn't afford the full rent I should pay if my dad wasn't the landlord. if I had to pay a full rent, I would be forced to live in my old room in his house. At 36, it's nowhere near where I wanted to be when I started out on my career path, not to mention somewhat humiliating. People that come to my house may think I'm living it fairly large, but in fact I'm stuck. If I had a choice I would probably live somewhere more urban, where putting together a social life wouldn't be as complicated.

I have a job. I'm the national key account manager/area manager for a foreign company that I represent in my country, with the help of 2 people who cover a large area of the country on my behalf.
I work mostly from home, safe for the occasional visit to my customers. The whole thing doesn't take up a great deal of effort from my part and I could, if I wanted to, work less than 6 hours a day and reap the same results I'm reaping now. Sounds good, right? I think it sounds great. it's 11.30 and instead of working, I am sat here typing this.. I can do that because I don't have a lot of things to do.
Yet, I barely make ends meet and in fact am very slowly falling behind with payments. In part I can blame the stagnation of the market and the difficulty in finding new customers.. the fact that when you talk to big accounts such as *insert home depot/walmart-y tipe of big guys name it may take years to get your foot in the door and turn a profit, and in the meantime your sat there on your hands, with little else to do... truth is, I could do better, I could do more, I could get out there, invest what little I have and hope it pays dividends more than managing things from home. It gets to a point that on occasion I procrastinate even what little I have to do, for no good reason at all. I am making strategic mistakes, I know I am making them but I don't have the willpower and hunger to stop myself from giving in to what can only be called lazyness.
I find I have little if any energy to improve my situation and no real motivation to get off my butt. Despite all that, I have managed to get my foot in the door of one of the afore mentioned big companies and that contract alone could double my turnover... I've been sitting on the contract for a couple of months and only now have run out of excuses to not pursue it... so I'll go visit the stores and hope it turns out well. I've become rather jaded about my professional career. not because I dislike the job or am no good at it. I know the job inside and out.. I just find it hard to stick to it and actually do it, and since it's commission based and the costs of doing the job are entirely my own, that's very wrong.

I am somewhat overweight. Not in a drammatic way, and I'm surprisingly healthy despite the extra padding. I'm not a slob and my frame is rather solid, so I can actually hide it to some degree, but I could stand to lose 5-10 kgs and athletic is not a word you'll associate with me, not over the last 10 years at least. I have the weights at home and promise myself I will dust them off some day. I could go out running in the countryside around here, except I hate running with a passion (I'm the kind of guy who has the "if you found me dead on a jogging path, I died elsewhere and someone moved me there" joke on his facebook page).. and have a minor issue left over from a car accident some years ago, that gives me a handy excuse not to, even though running could possibly solve that very issue or at least force me to see if something can be done about it (basically my left foot hurts if I walk for too many hours, since I sprained it in a car crash).
I'm a shortarse so the extra weight doesn't do anything for my general look, which translates in being less than "hot" for a substantial share of the ladies. being partially deaf in one ear doesn't help either, adding a few quirks to the package, a package that has the Nobby-esque ability to make any kind of clothing, even the most classy and well fitted clothes, look shabby and wrong.
Not that I have much of a chance of meeting any. My social life is really encapsulated in those few sentences I wrote earlier.. a weekly appointment in a gaming place where we everybody focusses on their own game and have no interaction whatsoever with people playing other things, and a few random drinks events with a restricted group of acquaintances all of whom are either getting married, having children or looking at guys that aren't me. I could do more in this respect too.. join a club of something, find a new hobby, pursue my interests in a non-internet related manner.. but again, I find myself lacking the energy to do so. Then there's the not at all minor issue that most things that require getting out of the house cost money that is in really short supply.
Yet I still can't find the motivation to turn things around.

I hate the notion of mooching off others, being indebted or not being able to share what little I have. I am all for gender equality but hate the notion of going out with a girl and having to go for the cheapest drink/food on the menu or not being able to pay the bill for both, occasionally.. and not knowing whether she expects me to, because it's the first date.
All of this contributes to me not having made a real effort to meet anybody, let alone a woman in too long, which translates in a dry spell, sex-wise, that is counted in months and has reached double digits a while ago. Put simply, I have a few talents and good qualities, I am aware of them, but I don't feel I have it in me to be the kind of guy a woman would want to be with because I have little to offer (and I'm not talking just about financial stability but also emotional support, positive outlook, energy and so on, all things I would want a partner to bring in the relationship and can't accept not being able to do my share of).
I feel that I would be dragging most women I know down to a worse place than they are at now.. and those that I could lift up are in a worse situation that I am, which I can't afford both financially and mentally. I am not in the position to be anyone's crutch and I refuse to turn a woman into mine.
I was never good at making many friends, in some part due to me being physically unable to pay compliments or be supportive towards people I don't like, or who I don't think they deserve the compliment. If I find a woman ugly (very rare, but it happens), I don't have the presence of mind of saying "that dress looks fabulous".. if she goes fishing for compliments or asks my opinion, disaster looms. A friend who asks an opinion is in for a tough ride. "too soon" has been said to me on multiple occasions for cracking jokes about something that was still burning... or for not being sympathetic enough. I am blunt or will rather shut up. I never sugarcoat anything. I guess there's a reason my longest relationship to date is counted in months, never years. I also lack the quickness of wit that could help me out, which is why I can come out quite feisty on the internet, on behalf of how I can rewrite, re-read before posting and edit after posting, but IRL that doesn't work. "I should have said that" is a thought that I have learned to suppress ages ago, lest it makes me overly annoyed with myself.. This is especially true in social situations, whereas with family and close friends, where I'm more confortable, I am known for dry sense of humour and zingers galore.
All of this means I have very few friends, most of whom I made in my school years or as result of "family friend" relations, I have a few acquaintances but except for those aforementioned friends, my presence at most social gatherings of any size tends go go largely unremarked.
I know all the arguments. I also am too cynical and savvy to take to reading self help books or supposedly "revelation" books that some people have found inspiration from in the past.. In fact I could write one such book myself, if I put my mind to it.
I know that there's probably some (or a lot of it) depression going around in my brain, in one or the other form, possibly some ADD, but I refuse to do anything about it in those terms, I can't afford psychologic counseling and don't know that I would "believe in it" if I could or if it was otherwise available. In fact I've personally known far too many pshychologists (or people who have the degree but do something else to pay the bills) and have known their personal issues too well to trust any of them with helping me out.
The funny side of this is that I am considered a well rounded and grounded person and my friends and relatives value my opinions because they tend to be well thought out and to the point. It kind of makes me feel like a fraud and a hypocrite..because if I can help someone despite being the ****up I'm gradually turning out to be, then there's no reason a shrink with his own crosses to bear shouldn't be able to help me.
I want so much more off myself (and for myself) than I am doing right now, I want to have a partner of some description, I want to get back to getting laid again, I want to take on the challenges of my job and do something about them, I want to have at least one child that gets to know me before my hair turns grey, I want to solve the financial issues I am facing (debt with the local version of IRS I'm slowly paying off), work hard, get back in shape (or at least loose some of the circumference. I don't actually have an issue with my looks or size, except for the fact I realise it IS affecting my chances on the dating scene)..I want to lay in bed awake at night worried about my situation and trying to think of a way out instead of sleeping like a baby, I want to be friendly and have more people I matter to enough for them to seek me out than I do now..I don't want to reach 40 and still be in this rut, single, barely making any money and with no prospect of a family life other than upwards.
I simply can't afford it. In a few years at most my out of work mother will run out of what savings she has and pension simply won't be enough for her to survive on, my father will be in a wheelchair and in need of qualified assistance, leaving his wife with the choice between assisting him and renouncing her job or paying for assistance from her salary. Their children are still in school and in no way independent. Despite being a landlord and owning a couple of properties, taxes and costs of living are eating any profit that could ever be made from it. I want to be able to help out at least financially, rather than almost being a drain (I'm not, but.. just about).
Trouble is, I told myself these things when I hit 30, and when I hit 35 too. At 36, nothing really has changed. In fact, when I was 30 I was in the UK trying to find a job to enable me to stay there. It didn't happen so I came back to Italy. Turning 35 just came and went and then suddenly I was 36.
Yet I can't really complain because anything that isn't working in my life, I 99% have myself to thank for... and still, being aware of that isn't helping me turn things around, leaving me to spend more time wishing things were different than doing anything to make them different.

I'm not looking for suggestions, mostly because I actually know what I would tell someone that wasn't me who wrote these things. If you feel like leaving thoughts or comments, they will of course be appreciated nonetheless. Just don't get mad if I take in your sensible words and advices and then don't really do much about them.
Mostly, I guess I just had to vent.

[Marcivo]

Things are looking bad, Playgrounders. It's not usually my style to hurl these kinds of posts into the internet's roaring maw, but a friend managed to convince me otherwise.

Spoiler: Here goes nothing

Show

Keeping this short because I'm currently confined to my phone.

Back in February, my step-grandfather passed away after a prolonged battle with Alzheimer's, so I took an unannounced five-month hiatus from the forums. During that time, a lot went down. My grandfather spent his final days in a coma. The worst part was the waiting and the powerlessness, long nights and stale hospice coffee, feeling numb, paging through a plasmas textbook, listening to strangers cry, all while watching someone you love slowly and inexorably deteriorate. I took a lot of walks and spent a lot of time on the roof. I don't think I will ever be able to sleep on a couch again.

There was also a man. I never learned his name. He kept me company throughout that week. He couldn't speak English, and I'm not exactly fluent in Spanish, but I was able to figure out that his wife was dying from lung cancer. She took up smoking for just six months, and it then struck - just like that.

I brought them flowers on the day she died.

*Deep breath*

Just last month, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. According to the scans, it was a small tumor located next to the main trunk of his portal vein. It was in a bad place, we all knew, but we'd caught it early, and with any luck the doctors could perform a transplant, curing the cancer as well as his underlying liver disease. We were very fortunate that we could even afford it. Had this happened just one year ago, my family be totally unprepared to pay for even the most trivial medical expenses.

Well, this morning, we met the transplant team. They gave us nothing but bad news. The cancer's invaded his bloodstream; he's now ineligible for the transplant list. They won't even attempt to operate on the tumor. The best treatment that they can perform comes in a pill that might extend his life expectancy by up to three months.

He probably won't survive to see 2016.

My father and my sister are all the family I have left. He's my best friend. Without him, I can't even imagine what life is going to be like.

I know it may sound petty, but on top of all this, my laptop's GPU failed last week. Waiting for a new one to ship in November is just one extra worry I don't need, since my laptop's critical to the work I do in graduate school. Then there's the matter of arranging with work to get my software licenses renewed... My PC's new processor and cooler just arrived, but I can't even bring myself to dismantle it right now. A bit of simple mechanical work feels like an insurmountable challenge tonight.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm not looking for professional guidance - that's what I've got professionals for - but solidarity always helps.

[rogueboy]

Things are looking bad, Playgrounders. It's not usually my style to hurl these kinds of posts into the internet's roaring maw, but a friend managed to convince me otherwise.

Spoiler: Here goes nothing

Show

Keeping this short because I'm currently confined to my phone.

Back in February, my step-grandfather passed away after a prolonged battle with Alzheimer's, so I took an unannounced five-month hiatus from the forums. During that time, a lot went down. My grandfather spent his final days in a coma. The worst part was the waiting and the powerlessness, long nights and stale hospice coffee, feeling numb, paging through a plasmas textbook, listening to strangers cry, all while watching someone you love slowly and inexorably deteriorate. I took a lot of walks and spent a lot of time on the roof. I don't think I will ever be able to sleep on a couch again.

There was also a man. I never learned his name. He kept me company throughout that week. He couldn't speak English, and I'm not exactly fluent in Spanish, but I was able to figure out that his wife was dying from lung cancer. She took up smoking for just six months, and it then struck - just like that.

I brought them flowers on the day she died.

*Deep breath*

Just last month, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. According to the scans, it was a small tumor located next to the main trunk of his portal vein. It was in a bad place, we all knew, but we'd caught it early, and with any luck the doctors could perform a transplant, curing the cancer as well as his underlying liver disease. We were very fortunate that we could even afford it. Had this happened just one year ago, my family be totally unprepared to pay for even the most trivial medical expenses.

Well, this morning, we met the transplant team. They gave us nothing but bad news. The cancer's invaded his bloodstream; he's now ineligible for the transplant list. They won't even attempt to operate on the tumor. The best treatment that they can perform comes in a pill that might extend his life expectancy by up to three months.

He probably won't survive to see 2016.

My father and my sister are all the family I have left. He's my best friend. Without him, I can't even imagine what life is going to be like.

I know it may sound petty, but on top of all this, my laptop's GPU failed last week. Waiting for a new one to ship in November is just one extra worry I don't need, since my laptop's critical to the work I do in graduate school. Then there's the matter of arranging with work to get my software licenses renewed... My PC's new processor and cooler just arrived, but I can't even bring myself to dismantle it right now. A bit of simple mechanical work feels like an insurmountable challenge tonight.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm not looking for professional guidance - that's what I've got professionals for - but solidarity always helps.

Sorry to hear things are going so hard for you.

Spoiler: Because you spoilered your story, that's why

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I can relate to the slow fading of a grandfather. I didn't spend much time in the hospital, but that's mostly because we were halfway around the world when he went into the hospital, and returning home. It wasn't Alzheimer's for him, but Parkinson's. And it was progressed enough that he was wheelchair bound (he hated his "wheelbarrow"), needed a full-time aide, and could barely speak. He went into the hospital (while my family was on an overnight trip to another part of the country) with hypothermia, among other symptoms (this was 7 years ago, so I don't remember all the details). And he stayed in the hospital for the last few days we were there, largely non-responsive.* My brother and I said goodbye to him before we flew home, and he wasn't expected to recover. Good news, bad news: he did recover. I was told his first words when he woke up were "where are rogueboy and [brother]?" He passed away about a year after that. I don't know if it will ever get easier to remember that, but I have other memories of him, as I'm sure you do of your grandfather. Focusing on those, and keeping reminders of those around (he was a photographer, so it isn't terribly hard to keep a couple photos around) helps most of the time.

*It's still hard for me to think about. I don't cry much (when he died was the last time I remember crying), and I come close every time I write or talk about it.

I wish I could say it was going to get better, but when you lose a lot of people, it's going to suck for a while. If you need someone to talk to, bounce things off of, or just vent at, feel free to PM me. And make sure you spend time with you dad in the time you have, and your sister (you probably know that already, but it's worth repeating).

And I know this is likely to be hard to think about, but try to: consider whether the additional time (potentially) gained from treatment for your father is worth the (potentially) increased discomfort for him. I don't know about the specific treatment that was mentioned, but things like chemo* are more likely to cause pain and cost more, both financially and emotionally, than getting hospice care at home, with family, in his own home. If you need arguments for this, look at discussions of end-of-life care that medical providers seek - they tend to involve fewer drugs, and more time with loved ones.

*Or anything else that leaves you hospital-bound. And, of course, this only applies to patients who are terminal, and don't have a hope/expectation of treatment curing them.

[Marcivo]

Sorry to hear things are going so hard for you.

Spoiler: Because you spoilered your story, that's why

Show

I can relate to the slow fading of a grandfather. I didn't spend much time in the hospital, but that's mostly because we were halfway around the world when he went into the hospital, and returning home. It wasn't Alzheimer's for him, but Parkinson's. And it was progressed enough that he was wheelchair bound (he hated his "wheelbarrow"), needed a full-time aide, and could barely speak. He went into the hospital (while my family was on an overnight trip to another part of the country) with hypothermia, among other symptoms (this was 7 years ago, so I don't remember all the details). And he stayed in the hospital for the last few days we were there, largely non-responsive.* My brother and I said goodbye to him before we flew home, and he wasn't expected to recover. Good news, bad news: he did recover. I was told his first words when he woke up were "where are rogueboy and [brother]?" He passed away about a year after that. I don't know if it will ever get easier to remember that, but I have other memories of him, as I'm sure you do of your grandfather. Focusing on those, and keeping reminders of those around (he was a photographer, so it isn't terribly hard to keep a couple photos around) helps most of the time.

*It's still hard for me to think about. I don't cry much (when he died was the last time I remember crying), and I come close every time I write or talk about it.

I wish I could say it was going to get better, but when you lose a lot of people, it's going to suck for a while. If you need someone to talk to, bounce things off of, or just vent at, feel free to PM me. And make sure you spend time with you dad in the time you have, and your sister (you probably know that already, but it's worth repeating).

And I know this is likely to be hard to think about, but try to: consider whether the additional time (potentially) gained from treatment for your father is worth the (potentially) increased discomfort for him. I don't know about the specific treatment that was mentioned, but things like chemo* are more likely to cause pain and cost more, both financially and emotionally, than getting hospice care at home, with family, in his own home. If you need arguments for this, look at discussions of end-of-life care that medical providers seek - they tend to involve fewer drugs, and more time with loved ones.

*Or anything else that leaves you hospital-bound. And, of course, this only applies to patients who are terminal, and don't have a hope/expectation of treatment curing them.

Spoiler: Right back at you

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My grandfather and I were never on the best of terms, to be honest, but that didn't make his passing any easier. I don't have many photographs of him, but I do have his ashes. Throughout the last few months, I've been slowly scattering them throughout the countryside, picking his old favorite hiking trails and recreation spots. There's a small urn on my bookshelf. It's something, I suppose. It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, days like today are the hardest lately. On days like today, when my father feels well enough to come out, to joke and watch movies together, I feel guilty for going to work and having other obligations. He seems so normal. Days like today feel almost normal. Days like today remind me that our time together is quickly coming to an end. And days like today are in increasingly short supply.

Not knowing what to expect, the line between pessimism and realism is starting to blur.

I've gotten in touch with the authors of several promising studies. A little good news is that the doctors at a major cancer center (omitting the name in case that constitutes medical advice) are going to take his case after we pay the initial deposit. It's expensive - more expensive by an entire order of magnitude than I expected - but I think it's our best bet given the circumstances. I know people who've been there, people who defied all expectations with its treatment, people who've gone on to live long and healthy lives. We'll just have faith in that until something else comes along. During a time that feels more and more dreamlike with every passing day, it's nice to have something real to hold on to.

[sktarq]

My grandfather and I were never on the best of terms,... During a time that feels more and more dreamlike with every passing day, it's nice to have something real to hold on to.

Well I hope things get better for you. Also very seriously look into hospice care. Having him around on good terms is often more important than how long. . . also get working on a living will. It sucks but it is really best if you do it. This is not your fight...though it will will certainly feel like it is during the long dark months you have in front of you. Understand how he want to deal with this as best you can. and good luck.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Spoiler

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I'm pretty...
anxiety-ridden.
And most of you probably know a touch of it because it's all I seem to talk about these days. I get anxious that I'm bothering or trying to over-compensate in that case and boom "Sorry, I have crippling social anxiety" and then I get nervous that everyone thinks I talk about my anxiety too much and it's really a round-about

my anxiety causes more anxiety

The fact is, I've had this as long as I can remember. It used to show itself in the form of anger and if I was uncomfortable with social interaction, confronted about some thing or another, I'd fight. But fighting is exhausting and lately I've just not had the energy for it

Maybe it's the Xanax?
It doesn't take away your anxiety, it just makes you sleepy. So sleepy. All the time. Exhausted from pills and an overnight job and running in the morning before bed or else I'll just lay there stressing about every single thing I've ever said to someone and how it might have seemed to them and crying
Thank god I've got a significant other who's had similar issues in the past and is so understanding because it's the one thing I don't stress about, he's the only person I don't think over and over and over and over until I'm sick of thinking about it

and even typing this post, I'm shaking and and crying and worried about what it'll appear like in the minds of others and how do I just stop caring?

I came back to the Playground because it used to be my home and I felt loved for so long and I was hoping, for once, I could stop the ache at the back of my throat but it's just carried back over here
and if I'm a nervous wreck even here, how can I hope to manage anywhere else?

[Castaras]

Spoiler

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You're probably on the wrong medication/dosage for you if that's all xanax does for you. I'd go to your doc and get advice and mention you're still panicking and having anxiety attacks. Bring yer SO with you if you have to for (im)moral support. I had to when getting my current prescription for SSRIs the first time.

*hugs* Hope you manage to find a way to cope with all this.