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  1. - Top - End - #121
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Skeppio View Post
    Not when you know you can't meet them in person, because they're on the other side of the planet.
    Fair enough, but that's why I recommend starting up this behavior with someone local. You never know, it might work.

    No, the fact that I haven't given up only proves how stupid and naive I am that I can't just admit I'm not good enough.
    Hm, from a quick look, I could find one LBGT related group. But...I don't look anywhere near feminine enough to pass, so no thanks. I'm not going to go and look like an utter fool in front of people who actually look decent as their preferred gender.
    I thought a large point of LGBTQ groups was that they didn't care about that sort of thing and are in fact quite supportive. But what do you really have to lose by at least trying them out? If you go and they are jerks, well then you're in the same position you currently are. If they're not and are in fact awesome people, then new friends can be acquired.

    I have no experience either. And I'm too old to not have experience. If only I could go back to when I was in my teens...I could change so much, and actually have a life worth looking forward to. But instead I've made every wrong choice I could possibly make, and now I'm paying for it.
    Honestly I'll have to leave this one to someone else. I don't know of anyone my age (28) or older who doesn't have at least some decent experience, even if they don't get married, etc, until they're a bit older. Come on, other posters. Anyone have a ray of sunshine for this particular area? A story of a social shut-in who started late in life and is now relatively happy?

    And when I do talk about it? There goes my chance. No-one wants someone like me. They'd never want me after I tell them the truth. People don't want to date people who aren't perfectly normal and fine in every way. The only people who've accepted even part of me are people who live way too far away for me to ever meet, or people who'd have never been interested in me anyway.
    As for when, honestly that's something you'll have to ask someone with more experience in this area. My biggest things are that I'm pretty heavily ADHD and that I'm pretty touchy-touchy (or like to be if I think it's welcomed). Both of those are a little easier to talk about, I think. So... someone else with more experience chime in with advice on this one? Please?

    Nope. I have a friend I can meet in the city, but they're busy with work far too often. Plus if I stayed with him... well, I don't get along very well with one of his room-mates.
    Sorry to hear that you don't get along with his room-mate, but that doesn't mean you couldn't schedule something with him in advance. Pick a day far enough in advance to request off from work (if you/he don't have a regular work schedule) and just go out and do something. Let him know that you're feeling down and need to get out.

    EDIT: Sorry that all came out so rude. I'm...not in a good mood...
    Maybe we should take it to PMs before people come along to wag their fingers and laugh at "mean ol' grumpy jerk Skeppio". ._.
    I honestly didn't read any of that as rude, and I don't mean to keep frustrating you. But I figure by having this all out in the open just gives other people with better advice than I the chance to chime in.
    Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.

  2. - Top - End - #122
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    I just want to say that I have been keeping up with this dialogue, I just haven't chimed in because I prefer to PM. But I do agree with a lot of what you are saying Sholos. It is best to try even when you don't know how it will work out, even if you fear for the worst, because that is the best chance of things working. Saying that you can't, and coming up with reasons why not, leaves your chances at zero. You may as well have better chances for happiness in this world than that, and it starts with continuing to try. And also, to Skeeps, if hoping for the best is stupid and naive, then at least we both are, and probably many others. And that isn't a bad thing either. Just keep looking for happiness. It is there for everyone. And lastly, it is good that you write here when you are troubled. We don't think of you as mean or old or grumpy or a jerk.

    Sholos, you seem to be a good person. Whatever problems you have had in life with relationships and worries, know at least that you also very much show yourself as someone worthy of happiness.

    And sorry to say, I really don't have any particular stories. I guess I count as a social shut in who found love and happiness, but I'm too young I think for it to matter here I feel. Nor do I have advice on when to say something so personal to a potential romantic interest, except that it definitely isn't something to keep to yourself til the last minute. Otherwise...I also do not have enough experience to give any stronger advice than to keep optimistic, always keep trying.
    Spoiler: Sigs about the Internet and Life
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel View Post
    Yeah... even if it's a fairly friendly place by the internet's standards... it's still the internet. A certain level of pedantic bickering is to be expected.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    The forums can't universally agree that the sun will rise in the east. Disagreement is what we do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jacior
    If I can get a pet dinosaur, I totally will. My low wisdom means a raptor looks like a great guard dog.


    Awesome Holy Knight Haluesen avatar done by the uber skilled Grinner!

  3. - Top - End - #123
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Some ranting is about due...

    Spoiler
    Show
    So lately I've been dealing with a crush on a girl. It was a girl that I also had a crush on last year, and after one movie outing and one invite to my birthday party, ended up going back with her ex. They stayed together up until a couple of weeks ago. At around that time, I had realized that I still had feelings for her, and feared what would happen if she ever wound up single again. Then she showed up at my school's comic club again after radio silence for a while, saying that she was dealing with the breakup and decided to take a semester off since she had gone through a depressive bit last semester. She hasn't showed up since, but I've pretty much gone back to the way I felt one year ago.

    However, after telling a female friend of mine from the club about it, she said it might not work out because she seems to prefer "bad boys". Remembering someone who said that girls may be attracted to "bad boys" because they're more confident, I took steps to make myself more confident. However, in trying to do this, something akin to a "Inner Brain Civil War" broke out, and I was pretty much stuck as to whether I was wrong to try this or not. Didn't help that there was another girl who I kept considering as a potential partner. Of course, I kept going back to the main one since I felt she was better...

    After having had much of a mess, I decided to go with the idea of asking her in person if she would be interested in giving things a try, if only to get a solid answer from her so I can stop tormenting myself over it. Seems like a good plan. But then comes the thoughts of every possible way it could fail. She could end up finding a new boyfriend before that happens, for one, which would mean that asking her that question would lead to nothing, and thus the feelings would get frozen up until the point where she became single again.

    And now for the actual personal woes I'm having: "I feel like I always have to move on from everything!!!"

    In the past, I've had several times where the situation with a girl would end up being dragged too far beyond repair, and I had to move on, a process that has never gotten any better with time. But as of late, I've grown much more angry about this. Maybe I'm just trying to push an unmovable wall, but goddammit, I'm SO SICK of always being Life's little toy! It's always conspiring to make me hope for something, and then smash it down and then say: "Okay, move on to the next torture room." And I just go in it because there's nothing else. I can try to distract myself from that fact with games and webcomics and stories and whatever, but the fact still remains that I'm clearly being abused by Life, which finds much pleasure in my suffering and keeps toying with my emotions. I've tried to be optimistic about my chances with this girl, but that's apparently too much to ask of myself. It's like I'm not even allowed to feel likely to succeed at all! Does every living moment HAVE to be a torture?! Even if I do have a good day every once in a while, the next few end up being crap because BALANCE! and what have you.

    Blagh... I'm sick of having to wait for happiness. I'm sick of having to wait for something that I'll just have to move on from anyway. Really, it shouldn't have to be impossible for me to get what I want now rather than in the future... But it feels like everything is seeking to make this impossible for me. Maybe moving on -is- the best thing to do at this point, but I'm not going to. If I don't ask her, then I'll always feel tormented whenever she ends up being single... I just wish I could somehow make it so that she would agree to go out with me, even if this is meant to be just a confirmation of whether I have a chance or not...

    Well, that's that. I'll go back to trying to make sense of my mind, and fail. As per usual.

    Thanks in advance to whoever replies,
    -BB07
    If you want to see it, here's my Mario fancomic: Wanderers of the Mushroom Kingdom.
    Status: Cancelled. :(

  4. - Top - End - #124
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    The Rose Dragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    So I've been worried about how I haven't been able to cry for a good while. At least I have good news on that front.
    I use black for sarcasm.


    Call me Rose, or The Rose Dragon. Rose Dragon is someone else entirely.

    If you need me for something, please PM me about it. I am having difficulty keeping track of all my obligations.

  5. - Top - End - #125
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    RedWizardGuy

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    smile Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Unrelated, but wonderful thing that just happened.

    Spoiler
    Show
    I actually need to chime in that I wasn't feeling too great today. I've been feeling fantastic ever since moving to Australia, but I tend to suffer from extremely prolonged bouts of the existential crisis. The part of me that loves studying logic and reason wars quite frequently with the part that reads poetry and listens to music.

    The fact that there is this little community of loving, caring people out here (on the internet, of all places!) made me feel fantastic again. As cliché as it will sound, it's like the little fire in me that enjoys being alive flared up again. The song I was listening to instantly sounded better, I feel like playing the guitar again and everything is pretty all right.

    Keep on being amazing and supportive, guys. It makes the whole world a bit brighter.


    The stuff I've read on here is already being dealt with by heads far wiser than mine. If anyone ever needs someone to just talk to though, shoot me a PM and I'll grab you on Skype. We'll trade questionably good songs 'till the sun comes up and things will be okay.

    Hm. Actually, I think I might have a bit of a story that might help Skeppio feel better?

    I grew up on a small island in Northwestern Malaysia called Penang. I inexplicably developed something that sounds very much like an American accent. I like to think of it as a stone-cold sexy accent totally unique to me, but it sounds in reality.

    Anyway, I hated it for the longest time. I was a first language English speaker. I went to a local school and got along with virtually no one. As a child, I spent waaaaaaay too many hours on Runescape. My heart bleeds a little bit for myself in retrospect. This continued for ages. The worst period of my life was probably taking up a game called Achaea. I poured hours and hours into the game because I just couldn't relate to anyone in real life (save a tiny, tiny number of friends, and they weren't always available to talk to).

    I failed out of a Pre-U course (I got like a 69%, which in my family was considered insufficient to get into a university worth going to.) I shipped out to the capital and tried a different course. My best friend Mark (or Murky-Murk, as we have affectionately dubbed him) was with me. I was still somewhat miserable because everyone was into football and stuff, but things were okay in the sense that I was not constantly depressed. (An improvement.)

    I moved to Australia in February this year. For a change, I just decided to say hi to everyone I met and try everything. On the second day of university I joined the fencing club, and got welcomed into the most wonderful community of people I've ever been in. I said hello to a random guy in my philosophy lecture -- he's now one of my best, most supportive friends in the world. I picked up the guitar soon afterwards, and met my amazing teacher Scott, who is just a great guy and showing me how to rock.

    I came a really, really long way in just a handful of months. Hang in there, man. No matter how bleak you may feel things are, I can attest that things can turn around really, really quickly in ways you might never expect.

    And here is Darth Vader singing Through The Fire And Flames so that I can, in male tradition, dismiss this display of vulnerability with something comical.
    Quote Originally Posted by martianmister View Post
    He could rip Redcloak's heart to stop nemesis Xykon and other paladins unfalled.

  6. - Top - End - #126
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    Skeppio's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better now that I've had some time to calm down a bit.

    I think I should call the therapist I was seeing again, if just so I can ask about possibly referring me to a gender therapist or LGBT support group.
    Should also message my friend and hang out again, maybe go dress shopping again. It was fun and made me feel happy last time.

    And your story is good, Evandar. I'm glad you've been able to find some good friends after moving to a different country and all.
    Last edited by Skeppio; 2013-10-08 at 08:03 AM.

  7. - Top - End - #127
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Skeppio View Post
    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better now that I've had some time to calm down a bit.

    I think I should call the therapist I was seeing again, if just so I can ask about possibly referring me to a gender therapist or LGBT support group.
    Should also message my friend and hang out again, maybe go dress shopping again. It was fun and made me feel happy last time.

    And your story is good, Evandar. I'm glad you've been able to find some good friends after moving to a different country and all.
    I've noticed you've been more upbeat and perky lately. That black dress also looks good on you too! :)

  8. - Top - End - #128
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Skeppio, you're in Melbourne too!
    Quote Originally Posted by martianmister View Post
    He could rip Redcloak's heart to stop nemesis Xykon and other paladins unfalled.

  9. - Top - End - #129
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Super glad to hear you're feeling better, Skeppio.
    Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.

  10. - Top - End - #130
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    Skeppio's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    I've noticed you've been more upbeat and perky lately. That black dress also looks good on you too! :)
    It's been a bit up and down lately, to be honest. Starting to get back up though. Maybe I should get another dress or some stuff to go with it.
    And thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Evandar View Post
    Skeppio, you're in Melbourne too!
    I am!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Super glad to hear you're feeling better, Skeppio.
    Aw, thanks. :3

  11. - Top - End - #131
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by BeethroBudkin07 View Post
    Some ranting is about due...

    Spoiler
    Show
    So lately I've been dealing with a crush on a girl. It was a girl that I also had a crush on last year, and after one movie outing and one invite to my birthday party, ended up going back with her ex. They stayed together up until a couple of weeks ago. At around that time, I had realized that I still had feelings for her, and feared what would happen if she ever wound up single again. Then she showed up at my school's comic club again after radio silence for a while, saying that she was dealing with the breakup and decided to take a semester off since she had gone through a depressive bit last semester. She hasn't showed up since, but I've pretty much gone back to the way I felt one year ago.

    However, after telling a female friend of mine from the club about it, she said it might not work out because she seems to prefer "bad boys". Remembering someone who said that girls may be attracted to "bad boys" because they're more confident, I took steps to make myself more confident. However, in trying to do this, something akin to a "Inner Brain Civil War" broke out, and I was pretty much stuck as to whether I was wrong to try this or not. Didn't help that there was another girl who I kept considering as a potential partner. Of course, I kept going back to the main one since I felt she was better...

    After having had much of a mess, I decided to go with the idea of asking her in person if she would be interested in giving things a try, if only to get a solid answer from her so I can stop tormenting myself over it. Seems like a good plan. But then comes the thoughts of every possible way it could fail. She could end up finding a new boyfriend before that happens, for one, which would mean that asking her that question would lead to nothing, and thus the feelings would get frozen up until the point where she became single again.

    And now for the actual personal woes I'm having: "I feel like I always have to move on from everything!!!"

    In the past, I've had several times where the situation with a girl would end up being dragged too far beyond repair, and I had to move on, a process that has never gotten any better with time. But as of late, I've grown much more angry about this. Maybe I'm just trying to push an unmovable wall, but goddammit, I'm SO SICK of always being Life's little toy! It's always conspiring to make me hope for something, and then smash it down and then say: "Okay, move on to the next torture room." And I just go in it because there's nothing else. I can try to distract myself from that fact with games and webcomics and stories and whatever, but the fact still remains that I'm clearly being abused by Life, which finds much pleasure in my suffering and keeps toying with my emotions. I've tried to be optimistic about my chances with this girl, but that's apparently too much to ask of myself. It's like I'm not even allowed to feel likely to succeed at all! Does every living moment HAVE to be a torture?! Even if I do have a good day every once in a while, the next few end up being crap because BALANCE! and what have you.

    Blagh... I'm sick of having to wait for happiness. I'm sick of having to wait for something that I'll just have to move on from anyway. Really, it shouldn't have to be impossible for me to get what I want now rather than in the future... But it feels like everything is seeking to make this impossible for me. Maybe moving on -is- the best thing to do at this point, but I'm not going to. If I don't ask her, then I'll always feel tormented whenever she ends up being single... I just wish I could somehow make it so that she would agree to go out with me, even if this is meant to be just a confirmation of whether I have a chance or not...

    Well, that's that. I'll go back to trying to make sense of my mind, and fail. As per usual.

    Thanks in advance to whoever replies,
    -BB07
    Yikes, sounds like life has been rough. Having to move on with things can be rough, that's why I think sometimes you should try fighting it and going for what you want anyway. Not always, but sometimes you can't just give up when life puts a bunch of things in your way. Striving all the harder against the world at least gives you some power and control back. I wish you the best in the situation with this girl. I agree that you should try to become more confident, not just to get together with someone who likes this but just because it is a good trait to have. I've been working on that myself for awhile now. It's not an easy change, but it's better than feeling like being pushed down all the time, it really is. You should go for it.

    And definitely best of luck with the mind of yours, though from personal experience I find trying to make sense of it an exercise in futility. Maybe go for just embracing what you can in your mind for now? It is quite a bit easier.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Rose Dragon View Post
    So I've been worried about how I haven't been able to cry for a good while. At least I have good news on that front.
    Oh well...what is the full detail on this good news? If something made you cry than good that it could, but something making you cry usually is not good. I'm not sure if it is comparable but I find it hard to cry too. Not that I can't, it just is so very rare. And unpredictable. Anyway is this a good thing for you or bad?

    Quote Originally Posted by Evandar View Post
    Unrelated, but wonderful thing that just happened.

    Spoiler
    Show
    I actually need to chime in that I wasn't feeling too great today. I've been feeling fantastic ever since moving to Australia, but I tend to suffer from extremely prolonged bouts of the existential crisis. The part of me that loves studying logic and reason wars quite frequently with the part that reads poetry and listens to music.

    The fact that there is this little community of loving, caring people out here (on the internet, of all places!) made me feel fantastic again. As cliché as it will sound, it's like the little fire in me that enjoys being alive flared up again. The song I was listening to instantly sounded better, I feel like playing the guitar again and everything is pretty all right.

    Keep on being amazing and supportive, guys. It makes the whole world a bit brighter.


    The stuff I've read on here is already being dealt with by heads far wiser than mine. If anyone ever needs someone to just talk to though, shoot me a PM and I'll grab you on Skype. We'll trade questionably good songs 'till the sun comes up and things will be okay.

    Hm. Actually, I think I might have a bit of a story that might help Skeppio feel better?

    I grew up on a small island in Northwestern Malaysia called Penang. I inexplicably developed something that sounds very much like an American accent. I like to think of it as a stone-cold sexy accent totally unique to me, but it sounds in reality.

    Anyway, I hated it for the longest time. I was a first language English speaker. I went to a local school and got along with virtually no one. As a child, I spent waaaaaaay too many hours on Runescape. My heart bleeds a little bit for myself in retrospect. This continued for ages. The worst period of my life was probably taking up a game called Achaea. I poured hours and hours into the game because I just couldn't relate to anyone in real life (save a tiny, tiny number of friends, and they weren't always available to talk to).

    I failed out of a Pre-U course (I got like a 69%, which in my family was considered insufficient to get into a university worth going to.) I shipped out to the capital and tried a different course. My best friend Mark (or Murky-Murk, as we have affectionately dubbed him) was with me. I was still somewhat miserable because everyone was into football and stuff, but things were okay in the sense that I was not constantly depressed. (An improvement.)

    I moved to Australia in February this year. For a change, I just decided to say hi to everyone I met and try everything. On the second day of university I joined the fencing club, and got welcomed into the most wonderful community of people I've ever been in. I said hello to a random guy in my philosophy lecture -- he's now one of my best, most supportive friends in the world. I picked up the guitar soon afterwards, and met my amazing teacher Scott, who is just a great guy and showing me how to rock.

    I came a really, really long way in just a handful of months. Hang in there, man. No matter how bleak you may feel things are, I can attest that things can turn around really, really quickly in ways you might never expect.

    And here is Darth Vader singing Through The Fire And Flames so that I can, in male tradition, dismiss this display of vulnerability with something comical.
    Hmm this is an interesting story. Thanks for sharing it, I am sure quite a few people can benefit from reading this. And stay among the group if you can! If it is something that really helps, that's what this is for I believe. So it is good to know it is working. I'll watch that video you linked shortly, that is too wild to miss.

    Quote Originally Posted by Skeppio View Post
    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better now that I've had some time to calm down a bit.

    I think I should call the therapist I was seeing again, if just so I can ask about possibly referring me to a gender therapist or LGBT support group.
    Should also message my friend and hang out again, maybe go dress shopping again. It was fun and made me feel happy last time.

    And your story is good, Evandar. I'm glad you've been able to find some good friends after moving to a different country and all.
    Yay! It's good that things are getting somewhat better Skepps. As you can likely tell by now, we'll all be around to back you up. I like this group a lot by now.
    Spoiler: Sigs about the Internet and Life
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel View Post
    Yeah... even if it's a fairly friendly place by the internet's standards... it's still the internet. A certain level of pedantic bickering is to be expected.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    The forums can't universally agree that the sun will rise in the east. Disagreement is what we do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jacior
    If I can get a pet dinosaur, I totally will. My low wisdom means a raptor looks like a great guard dog.


    Awesome Holy Knight Haluesen avatar done by the uber skilled Grinner!

  12. - Top - End - #132
    Titan in the Playground
     
    The Rose Dragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Haluesen View Post
    Oh well...what is the full detail on this good news? If something made you cry than good that it could, but something making you cry usually is not good. I'm not sure if it is comparable but I find it hard to cry too. Not that I can't, it just is so very rare. And unpredictable. Anyway is this a good thing for you or bad?
    Well, there has been a lot of stuff going on in my life lately (most of it either not appropriate for the boards, or more suited to RW&A), that I was getting annoyed that my body did not react properly to all the stress and emotional load. Generally it shows a disconnect between what I'm actually feeling and what I'm willing to acknowledge, which is bad and something I'm trying to get over. So, that I could cry in the face of all the bad is good, even though it would be best if I didn't need to cry.

    Does that make sense?
    I use black for sarcasm.


    Call me Rose, or The Rose Dragon. Rose Dragon is someone else entirely.

    If you need me for something, please PM me about it. I am having difficulty keeping track of all my obligations.

  13. - Top - End - #133
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by The Rose Dragon View Post
    Well, there has been a lot of stuff going on in my life lately (most of it either not appropriate for the boards, or more suited to RW&A), that I was getting annoyed that my body did not react properly to all the stress and emotional load. Generally it shows a disconnect between what I'm actually feeling and what I'm willing to acknowledge, which is bad and something I'm trying to get over. So, that I could cry in the face of all the bad is good, even though it would be best if I didn't need to cry.

    Does that make sense?
    Yes actually it does, and while I am quite sorry that you seem to be having a lot of stress and troubles right now, I'm glad you were able to let it out a bit. People always say crying is supposed to be a good thing, it usually is to me, so I would say it is good.
    Spoiler: Sigs about the Internet and Life
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel View Post
    Yeah... even if it's a fairly friendly place by the internet's standards... it's still the internet. A certain level of pedantic bickering is to be expected.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    The forums can't universally agree that the sun will rise in the east. Disagreement is what we do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jacior
    If I can get a pet dinosaur, I totally will. My low wisdom means a raptor looks like a great guard dog.


    Awesome Holy Knight Haluesen avatar done by the uber skilled Grinner!

  14. - Top - End - #134
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    We should hang out some time!

    Also I wanted to share this song because it always makes me feel better.
    Quote Originally Posted by martianmister View Post
    He could rip Redcloak's heart to stop nemesis Xykon and other paladins unfalled.

  15. - Top - End - #135
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    So does anyone have any good advice on how to handle someone who makes you feel like a bad child? I've been dealing with someone who...scolds, honestly. I know intellectually the whole thing is ridiculous. ("Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Really???) But when it happens I find myself reacting like I was back as a teenage girl being scolded by mom for some or other infraction. And I'm finding that it's causing me to be unreasonably upset and afraid of the person in question, even though I know that I'm just dealing with a sexist jerk and a blowhard.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  16. - Top - End - #136
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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Hmm other than not dealing him because sexist people aren't worth dealing with? I would say just face him and act polite and suck it up and then immediately after dealing with him go yell at a wall or punch a pillow or some other method of frustration releasing. Honestly the best idea that comes to my mind Kitty. Do you absolutely have to deal with him?

    Also to Evandar: how exactly would we hang out? On this site I am primarily in Random Banter, I suggest going there for fun. As for RL hanging, I live in Cali and find it hard to leave where I am, so that is somewhat hard. I'm not on many other sites than here, sad to say. I can't focus on many sites. But good to have you here in the Playground, more good people are always welcome.
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  17. - Top - End - #137
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Haluesen View Post
    Hmm other than not dealing him because sexist people aren't worth dealing with? I would say just face him and act polite and suck it up and then immediately after dealing with him go yell at a wall or punch a pillow or some other method of frustration releasing. Honestly the best idea that comes to my mind Kitty. Do you absolutely have to deal with him?
    I do, unfortunately. It's someone I need to be at least superficially nice and polite to. The question I'm asking is more in how to handle my own reactions. I'm having a hard time where I feel in talking to him like a child being scolded, and then afterwards find myself angry and resentful that he could do that to me. What I'm trying to end is that first part - shift it so that even if he is scolding me as if I was a child, I don't feel so much like a child being scolded. I know I can't make him stop, I'm just trying to figure out how to lessen the emotional impact on myself.
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  18. - Top - End - #138
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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I do, unfortunately. It's someone I need to be at least superficially nice and polite to. The question I'm asking is more in how to handle my own reactions. I'm having a hard time where I feel in talking to him like a child being scolded, and then afterwards find myself angry and resentful that he could do that to me. What I'm trying to end is that first part - shift it so that even if he is scolding me as if I was a child, I don't feel so much like a child being scolded. I know I can't make him stop, I'm just trying to figure out how to lessen the emotional impact on myself.
    Oh I see what you are asking now. In that case I don't know. I'm sorry. The way I deal with such things personally is just to kinda twist how I feel about them. If I was in that situation and felt as you did, like a scolded child, I can sort of just ignore the thoughts and focus on just what would happen after talking to said person. I guess that is how I describe it? I can't really even describe it accurately, so I don't really know how to instruct others in doing it. I'm sorry this is a bit pointless. I hope someone with better words can give you a good answer. And I also hope you have to have as limited dealings with him as possible.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel View Post
    Yeah... even if it's a fairly friendly place by the internet's standards... it's still the internet. A certain level of pedantic bickering is to be expected.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    The forums can't universally agree that the sun will rise in the east. Disagreement is what we do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jacior
    If I can get a pet dinosaur, I totally will. My low wisdom means a raptor looks like a great guard dog.


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  19. - Top - End - #139
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haluesen View Post
    Oh I see what you are asking now. In that case I don't know. I'm sorry. The way I deal with such things personally is just to kinda twist how I feel about them. If I was in that situation and felt as you did, like a scolded child, I can sort of just ignore the thoughts and focus on just what would happen after talking to said person. I guess that is how I describe it? I can't really even describe it accurately, so I don't really know how to instruct others in doing it. I'm sorry this is a bit pointless. I hope someone with better words can give you a good answer. And I also hope you have to have as limited dealings with him as possible.
    Yeah. The whole situation is sort of ridiculous - the guy quite literally said "Look at me when I'm talking to you, so I know you're listening!" to me. It's like, really? You're saying that to an adult woman?
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  20. - Top - End - #140
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    I feel for you, WarKitty, that sounds like a nasty situation. Unfortunately my guess is that people like that do it because it's worked for them in the past, so they actually know what buttons to push. I like your approach to the situation - working out how to change your own emotions, because it's probably the main thing you can change - but it's not easy.

    Disclaimer: the approach I'm about to suggest is not mine - it's scrounged out of my favourite book, Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman. The book is basically do-it-yourself cognitive behavioural therapy - changing the way you act by changing your thoughts and feelings - and it sounds like that's what you're asking to do, right?

    So the key things to do are:
    1) Recognise what it is you are actually feeling in this situation
    2) Identify the kind of beliefs that make you feel this way
    3) Dispute the beliefs: Question and challenge them for yourself
    4) Practice questioning these beliefs whenever the feelings come up - and eventually the feelings change.
    5) There's plenty more in the book about changing your behaviour into something useful - but it's much easier after you can control the feelings.

    Here's my guess about how this could apply to your situation:

    Spoiler: very long, mostly guesswork
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    1) I'm going to guess that this situation gives you feelings of, variously, guilt, anxiety, inadequacy and shame. And maybe this person is actively trying to make you feel those things, for their own reasons, or maybe they're not fully aware that their behaviour stimulates those feelings in you. But the fact that you don't feel that way after you're out of the situation probably means you're already questioning those feelings and beliefs.

    2) Theory goes that feelings come from thoughts. There's a nice table in the book about what thoughts lead to what feelings, and that's where I got my guesses about how you might feel (I'm not psychic, after all...) Mind you, I could be totally wrong, so let me know if I'm way off base.

    {table=head]Thought|Feeling
    I did a bad thing, and I deserve to be punished. | guilt
    Something bad might happen. | anxiety
    I am inferior to others. | inadequacy
    I did an immoral thing, and people think badly of me. | shame
    [/table]

    Other than the anxiety one, you probably don't actually believe these things; for example, I'm sure you know that whatever he's scolding you about doesn't make you immoral. These are just the roots of the feelings. But it's surprising how strongly feelings can be triggered by even memories of a thought (like how you felt when someone scolded you when you were a child), or momentary acceptance of someone else's thought pattern. As an example, obviously he feels you are inferior to him as a person, and if you are cowed into accepting that while you're talking to him, then you're going to feel inadequate right at that moment, even if you snap out of it later.

    3) Questioning the beliefs: Well, I'm sure you can apply these to the specific situation he's scolding you about. The idea is to turn the thought around into something more realistic and appropriate to the situation. Here's my example for "guilt": "I did something he didn't like, he thinks scolding me is justified, and in future I might consider doing [x] instead." Third part depends on whether you actually accept his criticism or not, of course - if you don't, that's the point where you decide if you're going to argue your case, but at least you're no longer just standing there feeling small.

    4) Hardest part is to see if you can do this while he's scolding you - work out what you're actually feeling in response to each thing he says, and have enough confidence in your "more realistic" thoughts to reject those feelings. Takes practice.


    Hopefully you'll then find it easier to respond to his arguments in an adult way, and the anxiety about the scolding can fade away into "There he goes again."
    I'm pretty much the opposite of concise. If I fail to get to the point, please ask me and I'm happy to (attempt to) clarify.

  21. - Top - End - #141
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Haluesen View Post
    As for RL hanging, I live in Cali and find it hard to leave where I am, so that is somewhat hard. I'm not on many other sites than here, sad to say. I can't focus on many sites. But good to have you here in the Playground, more good people are always welcome.
    That was directed at Skeppio.

    This is how I've strived to deal with people patronizing me in recent years.
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  22. - Top - End - #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evandar View Post
    That was directed at Skeppio.
    Oh! Um, maybe!

  23. - Top - End - #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by theangelJean View Post
    I feel for you, WarKitty, that sounds like a nasty situation. Unfortunately my guess is that people like that do it because it's worked for them in the past, so they actually know what buttons to push. I like your approach to the situation - working out how to change your own emotions, because it's probably the main thing you can change - but it's not easy.

    Disclaimer: the approach I'm about to suggest is not mine - it's scrounged out of my favourite book, Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman. The book is basically do-it-yourself cognitive behavioural therapy - changing the way you act by changing your thoughts and feelings - and it sounds like that's what you're asking to do, right?

    So the key things to do are:
    1) Recognise what it is you are actually feeling in this situation
    2) Identify the kind of beliefs that make you feel this way
    3) Dispute the beliefs: Question and challenge them for yourself
    4) Practice questioning these beliefs whenever the feelings come up - and eventually the feelings change.
    5) There's plenty more in the book about changing your behaviour into something useful - but it's much easier after you can control the feelings.

    Here's my guess about how this could apply to your situation:

    Spoiler: very long, mostly guesswork
    Show

    1) I'm going to guess that this situation gives you feelings of, variously, guilt, anxiety, inadequacy and shame. And maybe this person is actively trying to make you feel those things, for their own reasons, or maybe they're not fully aware that their behaviour stimulates those feelings in you. But the fact that you don't feel that way after you're out of the situation probably means you're already questioning those feelings and beliefs.

    2) Theory goes that feelings come from thoughts. There's a nice table in the book about what thoughts lead to what feelings, and that's where I got my guesses about how you might feel (I'm not psychic, after all...) Mind you, I could be totally wrong, so let me know if I'm way off base.

    {table=head]Thought|Feeling
    I did a bad thing, and I deserve to be punished. | guilt
    Something bad might happen. | anxiety
    I am inferior to others. | inadequacy
    I did an immoral thing, and people think badly of me. | shame
    [/table]

    Other than the anxiety one, you probably don't actually believe these things; for example, I'm sure you know that whatever he's scolding you about doesn't make you immoral. These are just the roots of the feelings. But it's surprising how strongly feelings can be triggered by even memories of a thought (like how you felt when someone scolded you when you were a child), or momentary acceptance of someone else's thought pattern. As an example, obviously he feels you are inferior to him as a person, and if you are cowed into accepting that while you're talking to him, then you're going to feel inadequate right at that moment, even if you snap out of it later.

    3) Questioning the beliefs: Well, I'm sure you can apply these to the specific situation he's scolding you about. The idea is to turn the thought around into something more realistic and appropriate to the situation. Here's my example for "guilt": "I did something he didn't like, he thinks scolding me is justified, and in future I might consider doing [x] instead." Third part depends on whether you actually accept his criticism or not, of course - if you don't, that's the point where you decide if you're going to argue your case, but at least you're no longer just standing there feeling small.

    4) Hardest part is to see if you can do this while he's scolding you - work out what you're actually feeling in response to each thing he says, and have enough confidence in your "more realistic" thoughts to reject those feelings. Takes practice.


    Hopefully you'll then find it easier to respond to his arguments in an adult way, and the anxiety about the scolding can fade away into "There he goes again."
    Thanks. A lot of it really is - I dislike being scolded like a teenager caught out after curfew. Especially given that I'm dealing with someone who clearly sees me as a child in need of teaching how to do things "properly", as well as being under the impression that he has far more authority than he does, leading to very many threats if I don't follow his rules. But I have to be nice...
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  24. - Top - End - #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So does anyone have any good advice on how to handle someone who makes you feel like a bad child? I've been dealing with someone who...scolds, honestly. I know intellectually the whole thing is ridiculous. ("Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Really???) But when it happens I find myself reacting like I was back as a teenage girl being scolded by mom for some or other infraction. And I'm finding that it's causing me to be unreasonably upset and afraid of the person in question, even though I know that I'm just dealing with a sexist jerk and a blowhard.
    how about the old "Picture them naked" thing?
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  25. - Top - End - #145
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Thanks. A lot of it really is - I dislike being scolded like a teenager caught out after curfew.
    Well, disliking it is fair enough. If they're actually making you feel horrible, though, then working on changing how you feel can be useful ... but ...

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Especially given that I'm dealing with someone who clearly sees me as a child in need of teaching how to do things "properly", as well as being under the impression that he has far more authority than he does, leading to very many threats if I don't follow his rules. But I have to be nice...
    Threats? No wonder you're feeling anxious and afraid ("Something bad might happen", indeed). When I read your original posts I wasn't sure if this was a workplace situation or a family thing - or a new room-mate problem. In any case, is there any chance he could actually carry through with these threats (as opposed to just blowing hot air)? If so, is there anyone who actually has the authority to deal with him, that you can complain to about it?
    I'm pretty much the opposite of concise. If I fail to get to the point, please ask me and I'm happy to (attempt to) clarify.

  26. - Top - End - #146
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    Got linked to This superman comic again. And it clicked. This is exactly why, despite how depressed I've got, how anxious I've ever been, and how badly things go - I've never had a suicidal thought. No matter how bad it is at the moment in time, there's still a tiny part of me thinking logically and trying to remember the good times, and how all the other times I've fallen I've managed to get back on my feet.

    I don't know if this'll help anyone else who's had/has similar issues. Was just a realisation that made me feel some sort of bittersweet happiness.
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  27. - Top - End - #147
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    That's a very beautiful comic!

  28. - Top - End - #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So does anyone have any good advice on how to handle someone who makes you feel like a bad child? I've been dealing with someone who...scolds, honestly. I know intellectually the whole thing is ridiculous. ("Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Really???) But when it happens I find myself reacting like I was back as a teenage girl being scolded by mom for some or other infraction. And I'm finding that it's causing me to be unreasonably upset and afraid of the person in question, even though I know that I'm just dealing with a sexist jerk and a blowhard.
    People who act that way are usually insecure about something and have an overly developed need to control every conversation. If you don't act the way they expect, they try to bully you into complying with whatever behaviour they want. It's a sign of weakness, really.

    Try calling them out on what they do in an overly friendly, advising way. "[Name], are you aware that the way you speak to me would be considered sexist by most people?" Said in a helpful, confidential tone. The way you would tell a two-year-old that it hurts the puppy when she hits it with a stick. Being a jerk, he will then deny being sexist and try to shift the blame on you. So you continue "I am sorry, I was just trying to help. You always seem to get so frustrated when we talk. Like when I don't look at you, and you immediately think I'm not listening. Why would you feel that way?" Ignore all accusations and steer the conversation back to the fact that they must be uncomfortable and you want to help. Act perplexed by what they want from you, after all, other people interact with you just fine and don't need constant confirmation that you're still paying attention. By the way, do give constant confirmation. "I hear you." "I am still listening." "I understand."

    My experience is that this makes them so uncomfortable that they cut the crap really fast.
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  29. - Top - End - #149
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Hello all.

    I know it's against the thread rules to ask for medical advice of any sort, but for the past couple of weeks my anxiety and depression have been acting up really bad because of situations with where I'm living I have no control over.

    I have already seen my doctor a week an a half ago, and he has put me back on medication, but it doesn't seem to do anything more than make me feel like a zombie. It doesn't even seem to take the edge off.
    I have to wait another 2 weeks before I can go back to get "re-evaluated".

    So Playgrounders, I'm looking for some non-medical suggestions on how I can try and keep things in my head from getting out of control.
    I've tried meditating, doing things that relax me, talking things out with people and the like, and they help for a little while (a few hours) but then things start getting on top of me again, so please, any help would be great.


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  30. - Top - End - #150
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Malak'ai View Post
    So Playgrounders, I'm looking for some non-medical suggestions on how I can try and keep things in my head from getting out of control.
    I've tried meditating, doing things that relax me, talking things out with people and the like, and they help for a little while (a few hours) but then things start getting on top of me again, so please, any help would be great.
    Exercise has always worked well for me as a temporary help with depression. (I understand there to be a chemical thing going on with that, but I Am Very Much Not A Doctor.) It helps with the sleep issues that can come alongside depression, too.

    Chocolate is also not to be knocked as a temporary supplement. It's medicinal! Totally! I swear!

    Many ((hugs)), if you want them, and good wishes sent your way for a helpful medication with minimal side effects.
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