Cattle Driving Necromancers-Bizarre Campaign Journal

[Joe the Rat]

Mixed graphic novel/novella are a hard balance to strike I think. Too much graphic novel and the novella bits are like a brick wall of text. Too much novella and the graphic novel bits seem superfluous.

You could probably manage it fully as a graphic novel if it sort of 'zoomed out' to the table now and then.

The Erfworld mix is probably what you're after. Show the action, narrate the set-ups with insert illustration, splash tables occasionally, that sort of thing. I suppose the question is how much of the story you want to be about the system. And in a way, you have three stories here: The in-character story (which is pretty awesome), the game (which is also awesome), and the players surrounding antics (which is its own awesome. The Silent One has my favorite player moments. I'm inclined to suggest that each mode of the story take a particular format, but then you'll have to blend elements. Though I'm sure the characters would probably have the same expressions as the players would at some of the reveals or player events. The discussion of nymphs and dragons, for example...

[Demon 997]

I'd go nearly pure graphic novel, with some text at the start and end of chapters. You're core audience will still eat it up, and it's easier to sell broadly. Then if it goes well do a more anthology type.

[arcane_asp]

I am actually going to try and make graphic novels of a kind. I pulled the first campaign I wrote up (adversarial process) and it was 350+ pages in word. The big one may be twice that size. Trying to determine a format and context to make it work. Thinking part novella/part graphic novel with character sheets and duplicates of maps and scenarios as part of the whole book. Want to visually illustrate the characters and several scenes while still providing the gaming portion to go along with the story.

Awesome, it will make a great read, illustrations will add to the depth too! Can't wait to see it

[Kaveman26]

Session Five Part 3+Session Six: The Menagrie

Spoiler

Show

The Animal Showroom is a hard left straight through the humanoid showroom. More and more displays seem to be emptying and sounds are constant in various directions, conflict seems to be growing in all areas.

The animal showroom has a makeshift barricade blocking it’s entrance, formed from torn apart display stands and repurposed decorations.

Chomper: Melty should be able to bust that apart and push through with no problems.

Dis Pater: Seems straightforward enough, have the giants punch a hole and we will cover for surprises
.
The surprises start from the moment of contact, a barrage of magic missiles streaks from all directions from within the barricade, peppering sections of the entire entourage. The source is clearly from within the debris, but no one spots a caster.

At least seven originated sources cast spells, and this spooks the team considerably. Hades drops a channel to wash away the missile damage, and almost instantly Melty takes on the sudden glow of faerie fire and all the volleys resume now targeting the giant. The clerics immediately move to heal the giant as everyone tries to hone a target for where the spells are coming from. With all those Perception checks someone should see something, but they again come up blank.

A foreign chirping sound, like a morse code chitter rises from the debris of the barricade and Chomper is left scratching his oversized head.

Chomper: That sounds like squirrels.
Seraphim: Is it a squirrel?
Chomper: Squirrels don’t communicate in code…or cast magic missiles.
Doc: Got much bigger problem. There is an elephant in the room.
Hades: Drop the metaphor and speak bluntly.

Doc points at the other side of the barricade….A Mastadon with crude barding is charging the barricade at a rush…it is moving remarkably fast and not making a single sound.

Hades: Oh…literal elephant.

As the elephant comes charging in, the center portion of the barricade seems to vanish from sight and it gains a clear line of sight and path to smash into Melty. In unison a series of baboons come swinging in on vines from the alcoves above wielding scimitars. Near as they surmise via Spellcraft and Perception the baboons were in wait with invisibility.

Almost in unison the chorus rises up…

Group: F*** This!

The U.C. move in one solid pack in a concerted retreat, washing negative energy as they go. In the midst of their tactical withdrawal a pack of squirrels rises to the top of their barricade and make crude gestures at the necromancers.

Dis Pater: We just got our ass handed to us by woodland critters!
Chomper: Hey, those woodland critters had a mastodon…and spells!
Doc: I told you they were awaking.
Seraphim: I think he means Awakened…not just no longer sleeping. *
Dis Pater: How do we punch through without getting sniped by missile slinging squirrels or trampled by an elephant?
Seraphim: We could try diplomacy.
Hades: You want to parley with squirrels?
Seraphim: Sure…why not?
Hades: Because they are squirrels!!!!!
Seraphim: We parleyed with cows…
Hades: they were intelligent psionic cows.
Seraphim: These are intelligent spellcasting squirrels…now you are just splitting hairs.

They top off the battered giant, and elect to keep the horde at bay. Rusk,Reggie, Micko, are all left with the undead mass. The core party of six plus T-Bones and Chomper’s mount reapproach with weapons holstered and hands open and out. From a moderate distance Seraphim requests a temporary truce to establish terms and objectives.

There is a great deal of behind the scenes shuffling and maneuvering. Eventually the mastodon returns to the Barricade, with a cadre of baboons moving amongst the artificial trees at it’s flanks. Presumably the squirrels are hidden somewhere amidst the entrance’s defenses. A pack of wolves trail the Mastadon acting like a sort of ironic honor guard. The various animals set up a defensive perimeter and shortly thereafter a very lean and nimble dire bear approaches the barricade…he speaks serviceable common and requests that a single representative meet him.

Seraphim volunteers and approaches the bear on foot.

Seraphim: Clearly we got off to a poor introduction. The circumstances that have drawn us to your domain are unusual to say the least, and we had no intentions of violating your territory. We do require passage through this place and are happy to uncover any supplications you may benefit from.

The dire bear appraises the witch and lets out a clearly unimpressed huff.

Bear: I smell the scent of blood from too many species to count clinging to you woman. You deal in death. We have no need of anything you may have.

Seraphim: Surely that can’t be true. A host such as the one you oversee must require a great deal of nourishment, and unless I am mistaken…the nuts on these trees are artificial and surely of no help to your squirrels.

Bear: We have no shortage of food, nor do we suffer for comforts.
Seraphim: Well what do you want? Are you content to stay in this place all your days?
Bear: We have no alternative. We can protect our own and survive for generations. I see no better option.
Seraphim: We could escort you back to the world at large. We could get you free of this place and back to the real forests and hills.

That raises his eyes…

Bear: All that we encounter are from within. None knows the way out.

Seraphim: None save for us. We came to this place from the outside and we can take you there.
Bear: Why should I trust you?

Seraphim: Because I am a killer through and through. I am the deadliest creature in this place…you said it yourself. You can smell the blood on me. If your senses are that keen you should be able to detect if I am lying, you should smell the sweat from stress on me. I know you are picking up none of those things because I tell the truth. We can take you outside.

Bear: This will require additional conferring. Wait here for my return. We are watching you.

The bear and his vanguard retreat back into the animal showroom and Seraphim holds a very brief parley with the rest of the group.

Seraphim: told them we can escort them outside. He is taking that proposal back to whatever else is deeper inside. How do you want to play this out?
Dis Pater: Well it’s still over three weeks until the gate opens.
Chomper: Drawing them out from the area fortified is a win. We could set up ambush points in the squid room.
Hades: Or we could draw them back to the minotaurs and let our psionic friends take the brunt of the assault.

Seraphim: We don’t have to attack them. We could simply tell them it is going to be a while before we can exit and leave them be. We are only pressing in this direction to avoid approaching dragons.

Pluto: I don’t like the prospect of allowing squirrels and monkeys to drive us off even more than I dislike the prospect of being burned to a cinder by a winged reptile. Better to meet the god in fiery death, than cower before a furry tailed rodent.

(I am damn near laughing myself into tears at how much frustration a few volleys from sorcerous squirrels is causing them. As a side note I was not privy to most of this conversation as it was happening, only post fact was I explained their line of thinking)

Doc: You said that the cows have an elixir that grants powers?
Seraphim: Yes, but it’s very dangerous.
Doc: And some of the dead you bring back still have memory?
Hades: Yes.
Doc: My ancestors would say that sometimes the third buck gets the doe.
Chomper: Huh?
Doc: When two bucks fight during mating season, sometimes they exhaust or kill each other…and then the third buck takes the doe for a mate.
Seraphim: Yeah we are familiar with that tactic and in full support of letting the minotaur’s take the lion’s share of the fighting.
Doc: You not think like proper orc. My ancestors say sometimes the third buck gets the doe…but the wolves take them all.

The Dire Bear returns and this time it is with a full assortment of beasts. The animal showroom is organized into the following battalion:

One Dire Bear (powers unknown)
6 scimitar wielding baboons (shown swashbuckling ability)
10 Sorcerer Squirrels (magic missile for certain)
1 Mastadon (powers unknown…shown charging preference)
12 Wolves (Dire Bear honor guard)
2 Rhinos (unkown)
4 Tigers (unknown)
6 Lions (unknown)
2 Dire Lions (unknown)
20 Rats (not dire rats…just rats)
1 Camel

The whole entourage is portrayed as extremely focused and cautious but also hopeful. As they travel with the U.C. back towards squid central bits of optimism are overheard…”can’t wait to feel the sun again”…”be nice to have room to really run”…etc.

It is just the core six PC’s at this point. The horde of undead and their various NPC’s have been sent back to Moo-Dor ahead to help prep the minotaurs for the incoming animals. As they reach the steps Chomper calls for a halt.

Seraphim: So…here is the deal. At first we were going to march you up these stairs and into the waiting teeth/axes of a minotaur clan with psionic powers. We were going to let the two of you duke it out and then wipe out the rest of your animal companions once the majority of your strength was expended. We decided against that. Instead, we have a host of undead minions waiting behind the ambush ready minotaurs. My dhampir friends are going to give them an order to start attacking, once that order is given we are going to throw our entire strength into supporting them in slaying the minotaurs. If we succeed you have clear path to freedom, if we fail you are stuck down in this place for the rest of your lives.

Bear: So you are extorting our desire for freedom to further your own ambitions of murdering these creatures you call allies?

Seraphim: Perfectly summed up. Now if you would be so kind…focus all your squirrels on attacking the centaur with the body of an ettin.
Bear: What is an ettin?
Seraphim: A two headed beast with the body of a horse.

The U.C. ascend the staircase and find the full assemblage of minotaurs prepped and waiting. The twins form up with their undead minions while Seraphim and Doc come to Dion’s side to help “support” the minotaur chief. Dis Pater stays with the twins and they inform Dion that Chomper is about to bring up the animals any minute.

Chomper comes up on his Spinosaur and immediately leaps off the dinosaur ducking to the side…
Chomper: Here they come!

As the minotaurs all focus on the stairwell the full might of the undead masses immediately sets upon the bull-men…the clerics go full nova…every ounce of their channeling is going to be dispersed to soak against bulls while bolstering their minions. Dis Pater is their bodyguard and reserve party for any minotaur that seems particularly feisty. Melty, Vanilla and T-Bones form the business end of an advancing wedge while Rusk, Reggie, and Micko snipe from a safe distance.

The U.C. are drastically outnumbered and the minotaur’s pack some serious heat.

For their part, Seraphim and Doc do everything they can to neuter the minotaur chief. Misfortune stacks against Misfortune and Bestow Curses help to gimp the tribal leader. Their position is the most dangerous and the least supported. As all hell breaks loose the Mastadon comes charging in at a full charge to ram directly into the minotaurs protecting the chief. From it’s back the sniper squirrels volley magic missiles against the chief, and various lions and tigers all break from invisibility in positions to create flanks amongst the maelstrom of violence. The various cats all pack sneak attack damage and some serious strength bonuses. The Baboons work the edges, making presicion attacks and the wolves constantly make leaping trip attacks.

The rats stay hidden amongst the various creatures, riding their animal compatriots while throwing out faerie fires to focus targets and renew invisibilities. The Dire Bear reveals himself as a monk, flurry of paws and kicks that shatter bones hew down minotaur after minotaur.

The element of surprise and attack of the awakened animals swings momentum into the Cowboys favor…but these are still some nasty brutes and they have the advantage of home turf and numbers. The battle turns into a straight up brawl.

Seraphim and Doc nearly get killed in the first non surprise round. The lesser undead are getting one shot by the stronger minotaurs…and the twins rapidly fall behind in the war of attrition. Only Melty rolling like a boss in the first two rounds makes this a fight. He manages to clear a path to Dion…and get the twins in a position to aid the witches. That position becomes the maelstrom of the fight. Dis Pater abandons all pretext of attack and uses his own channeling negative energy to try and help the twins pace the damage being done to their giants and T-Bones. A few of the ogre undead last a while, but in short time the PC’s are surrounded by minotaurs and using each action in a desperate bid to not become overwhelmed. The animals work from the edges and cull the ranks of minotaur warriors. Dion is surprisingly robust and their hopes of taking him out in the first two rounds are nullified.

That becomes immediately relevant when Dion manages to actually take an action and make the two rolls needed to hit on an attack roll. He brings Seraphim from nearly full health to knocked out and dying in a single stroke. The combat gets suddenly more tense and it comes down to Doc with the last action of the round. They are operating under the assumption that if aid is not provided she will be coup de graced by some random bull the following round. So Doc can either try to lay a cure spell or swing for the fences hoping to knock out the chief. He opts for the home run shot.

The scarred witch doctor works himself in a barbaric frenzy and makes a single overhead two handed chop while still cackling like a crazed maniac. He rolls a natural 20. Suddenly the chairs are pushed back from the table and people are standing to see if he can confirm the critical…Doc practically does his own voodoo dance at the table and lays down a solid enough roll to hit…confirming the x3 crit. With a functional 26 strength he has a chance to kill the chief…he rolls a 12 on the d12. The burning greataxe lodges itself deep between the ettin’s two heads, practically cleaving though to the rib cage…arterial blood sizzles as it strikes the flames on the axe, and the chief twitches as he falls to the ground. If at all possible the orc seems to laugh even louder, the rise and fall of his sternum casting off blood in all directions as he wrenches the greataxe free. The fall of their leader doesn’t rout the clan…but it does leave them backpedaling and looking for exits.

They organize a fighting retreat and try to scoop up families in the process. The animal platoon seems to recognize that the battle is won, and they finish off the stragglers and those within reach, but seem more preoccupied with tending to their own wounded and fallen. There is the briefest of lulls where it looks like the battle is about to disengage. The U.C. top off healing…bring Seraphim back to her feet and get her healed, while re-assessing resources.
Seraphim: Finish it?

Dis Pater: Yeah…I vote finish it…we still got enough in the tank.
Chomper: Aye…

The necromancers organize up their undead and reengage the minotaur’s as they try to withdraw…
Bear: The battle is won…what are you doing?
Doc: They just come back if we let them leave. We end this now. If we die…you stuck.
Bear: Damn you all! We didn’t want this.
Chomper: Well you got it now chum. So nut up or shut up.

Very Begrudgingly the animal leader rallies his own troops and helps to stopper up the retreat. They press hard on the minotaur clan…and strangely they take every step possible (nothing that hinders themselves) to preserve the women and children. They accept surrenders from the warriors, but anyone still fighting is dispatched with brutality and finality.

It is still a tense roller coaster of an engagement…there is a lot of close calls and near misses. Without the animal clan the cowboys would have been slaughtered. Eventually the minotaurs are broken completely and the scant few warriors still alive have surrendered. They are lined up with their weapons in front of them and made to kneel. The minotaur dead are piled up into heaps and the rest of the clan are in essence locked into the grove where the chief previously called home.

The animals form up into their own group and see to their own.

Seraphim calmly walks up and down the line…speaking softly to each warrior. Based on their reaction they are either executed or patted on the shoulder and reassured. Few are executed. The Bear approaches the U.C. as the twins desecrate the ground beneath the dead bodies.

Bear: You are the foulest and cruelest creatures I could imagine. Have you no souls? Are you simply that bloodlust driven to crave such wanton destruction.
Seraphim: Yes…Yes we are. We also recycle.

As she says recycle the twins pop their domain animate dead slots and bring up a slew of minotaur warriors.

Hades/Pluto: Join your living kin and seek revenge on those who aided in your betrayal…wipe out the animals! Kill them all!

The surrendered warriors…all of whom agreed to Seraphim’s proposal of ambushing those who ambushed them and weren’t executed snatch up the weapons before them and join the fray in near berserker rages.

Reggie: What did you say to them?

Seraphim: If a single animal remained alive by the day’s end we would let them watch all the young be killed and reanimated…the ones who retained their memories would then be forced to kill their families. Pretty standard stuff…Oh…I also told them that if they succeeded in killing all the animals for us then they would be spared execution and allowed to care for their families…provided they recognized us as tribal leaders. Always helps to provide a carrot…
The minotaurs fight like they intend to save their clan, and the animals are routed to the last. It took damn near everything they had…virtually every daily ability, spell and channeling use is expended and the whole chamber is in tatters.

Seraphim: This was a good day’s work everyone…tomorrow I think we will take a day off.

*Yeah…I awakened the entire animal room and gave them class abilities and levels.

[Aldurin]

I don't know why I wasn't expecting them to deal with every potential threat in a way that allowed them to strip-mine XP and hold all of the cards. So I can assume that the U.C. declare the dungeon a sovereign semi-undead nation at the end of this campaign?

[Kaveman26]

I don't know why I wasn't expecting them to deal with every potential threat in a way that allowed them to strip-mine XP and hold all of the cards. So I can assume that the U.C. declare the dungeon a sovereign semi-undead nation at the end of this campaign?

It's still ongoing so I don't know their endgame. I will say that I never anticipated the direction they go. The big fight took an entire weekend. We have at this time eight more gaming sessions complete, and are averaging one game every three weeks. Once I get caught up to current I will be inviting feedback and ideas to throw at them.

[Norin]

Hahahaha! The end there had me giggling. Priceless.

[blacklight101]

Now that was some good thinking right there. If my players are one third that creative, i'm in trouble for sure.

Loving every recap, I can't wait to see where this campaign goes.

[GorinichSerpant]

"Yes, and we also recycle" is a glorious quote. As always, wonderfully done.

[Fable Wright]

I'm just left wondering when the Necroranchers' Onyx is going to run out. Surely there can't be that much lying around the dungeon.

[Kaveman26]

I'm just left wondering when the Necroranchers' Onyx is going to run out. Surely there can't be that much lying around the dungeon.

To be honest we ignore majority of spell components. For crafting sure, but tracking bat guano and sprite urine etc for spells is too much.

[Reverent-One]

To be honest we ignore majority of spell components. For crafting sure, but tracking bat guano and sprite urine etc for spells is too much.

Well, the onyx requirement is more than just bat guano and other basically costless spell components (any you get from the spell component's pount) since they have to be worth 25/50 gp per HD. That's significant enough that a group can justify not ignoring that, even if they ignore the minor ones. Still, without ignoring that, this game would be far less interesting. I think the main reason to track it is to keep one undead-creation focused player from showing up the other players and/or the DM's ability to give significant challenges. In the case, neither of those are really concerns.

[Fable Wright]

To be honest we ignore majority of spell components. For crafting sure, but tracking bat guano and sprite urine etc for spells is too much.

For bat guano, etc. it makes sense to just put it in a material component pouch, sure, but when the costs are 25gp/HD of animated minions and the players are using the spell as much as they do, tracking it might be a good idea. Unless their 35,000gp in liquid assets were all Onyx, in which case, I could see doing away with the hassle. Kinda. (Given that each animated cow should cost roughly 75gp per head, it'd put some rather severe limits on the players' capabilities.)

[Kaveman26]

I had always glossed over the per hd stipulation on that spell. Hmmmm.


I think my players may have a new reason to dislike feedback.

Spoiler alert:

I

Spoiler: Possible foreshadowing

Show

think it is only a matter of time before an onyx wraith comes to collect his "taxes" in lieu of onyx he will take lives. Thinking some kind of inquisitor class levels on a wraith chassis.

[Kid Jake]

I had always glossed over the per hd stipulation on that spell. Hmmmm.


I think my players may have a new reason to dislike feedback.

Spoiler alert:

I

Spoiler: Possible foreshadowing

Show

think it is only a matter of time before an onyx wraith comes to collect his "taxes" in lieu of onyx he will take lives. Thinking some kind of inquisitor class levels on a wraith chassis.

Spoiler

Show

Let him randomly seize control of any undead they still owe him for to be extra vicious.

[Kane0]

Loving it so far!

Question, and i'm not sure if you've answered this already:
When your clerics use their channel do they have to choose to do the Heal or Harm option or do you roll them both into the same thing? Apparently RAW you are supposed to only be able to do one or the other to prevent abuse (presumably like what you are seeing here) but it doesn't make much sense to me to rule it that way.

[Kaveman26]

Loving it so far!

Question, and i'm not sure if you've answered this already:
When your clerics use their channel do they have to choose to do the Heal or Harm option or do you roll them both into the same thing? Apparently RAW you are supposed to only be able to do one or the other to prevent abuse (presumably like what you are seeing here) but it doesn't make much sense to me to rule it that way.

They channel negative energy by default. This is function of their being evil. As dhampir the twins are healed by negative energy. Dis pater's anti paladin archetype heals him by negative energy as well. The twins also have a domain granted ability to provide negative energy healing with a touch. Failing all that they have selective channeling to exclude targets from being damaged.

[Fable Wright]

They channel negative energy by default. This is function of their being evil. As dhampir the twins are healed by negative energy. Dis pater's anti paladin archetype heals him by negative energy as well. The twins also have a domain granted ability to provide negative energy healing with a touch. Failing all that they have selective channeling to exclude targets from being damaged.

The problem is, by RAW, when you use the ability, you have to choose: Heal undead, or harm living creatures. Dis and the twins have the 'harm living creatures' option heal people, but by the rules as they are, they should not be able to heal their undead herd and harm enemies/heal living party members in the same Channel.

[Kid Jake]

The problem is, by RAW, when you use the ability, you have to choose: Heal undead, or harm living creatures. Dis and the twins have the 'harm living creatures' option heal people, but by the rules as they are, they should not be able to heal their undead herd and harm enemies/heal living party members in the same Channel.

Hrm...I'd never noticed that before. It looks like I've been ruling contrary to RAW all this time too.

[Lord of Shadows]

The full rule includes both Negative and Positive energy:

Any time you Channel Negative energy, you must choose whether to heal undead OR harm living creatures.

Any time you Channel Positive energy, you must choose whether to harm undead OR heal living creatures.

I believe that an early "feature" in the 3.x rules did allow a single Channel Energy to do both, but it was quickly changed. It seemed that to do both was a bit overkill.

But.... The U.C. story is soooo much better using the "original" rule. Overkill is in their blood. Err... Bones.
.

[Fable Wright]

I believe that an early "feature" in the 3.x rules did allow a single Channel Energy to do both, but it was quickly changed. It seemed that to do both was a bit overkill.

But.... The U.C. story is soooo much better using the "original" rule. Overkill is in their blood. Err... Bones.
.

Correction: 3.X never had a channel energy feature. Turn Undead, the original cleric ability, had no ability to affect living creatures, and would not affect undead at all on a failed turning roll. It might have been an early Pathfinder feature during the playtest, but the very concept did not exist before Pathfinder.

[Lord of Shadows]

Correction: 3.X never had a channel energy feature. Turn Undead, the original cleric ability, had no ability to affect living creatures, and would not affect undead at all on a failed turning roll. It might have been an early Pathfinder feature during the playtest, but the very concept did not exist before Pathfinder.

Sorry, that's right, it was the Pathfinder Beta that had the "blast everything" channel energy feature. I remember also that before it got fixed, Clerics were becoming very popular.
.

[Kane0]

Yeah i only asked because the one time i played a cleric i couldnt blast undead and heal my allies with the one channel, i had to choose which sucked. Good to see tey are able to take full advantage of the synergy.

I totally encourage you to keep on going as is, but better to be aware i suppose.

[Incorrect]

This tale is absolutely fantastic.
I really appreciate the work you put into writing all this.

I think that managing combat on this scale might be some kind of super power!

[Kaveman26]

This tale is absolutely fantastic.
I really appreciate the work you put into writing all this.

I think that managing combat on this scale might be some kind of super power!

It's time consuming (both the writing and the combat), but I love big scale stuff every so often.

My more experienced players help the newer and I get a lot of help managing numbers as things unfold. This one was quite chaotic, but on the overall scale we have contended with far more complex battles.

Side note:going to spot check most of their class mechanics and see if I have missed any other gaps in how they are utilizing their abilities.

[GorinichSerpant]

Kaveman, have your campaigns ever ended in a TPK do to some mistakes the players made?

[Tenmujiin]

Kaveman, have your campaigns ever ended in a TPK do to some mistakes the players made?

He has said in previous logs that they have, still waiting on some logs of them though

[Nevereatcars]

Kaveman, can you link to this thread in your signature?

[Asmayus]

This is fantastic, keep it up :)

[Kaveman26]

Kaveman, have your campaigns ever ended in a TPK do to some mistakes the players made?

I pulled a couple examples of these (some I posted through different threads. Here are some examples of our less glorious moments...and yes TPK's.

Dark Sun: Death by Fire

Spoiler

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Character details for this campaign are more vague. It was run ages ago and I was nowhere near as obsessive with notes and record keeping. The group was eccentric even by Dark Sun standards. We had…

A Mul gladiator that specialized in tortoise blades and acrobatics. He was basically wolverine…but if wolverine was a half dwarf mutant ninja with turtle shells hooked to short swords hooked to his forearms.

A Half giant Gladiator with obscene Strength and Con and not much else. A true one trick pony. Smash…still moving? Smash again.

A human defiler that thought he was best suited for front line combat.

A thrikeen ranger that was bit obsessed with using all four arms to wield longswords and hand crossbows.

An Elf bard that specialized in poisons and blowguns.

Almost from the get go this group was doomed. We began play as slaves in a caravan heading for a major city. In transit the Bard manages to slip his bonds and free the rest of us. We are absolutely equipment less and resort to using our loincloths (our only starting equipment) as makeshift slings and garrotes. My naked half giant manages to strangle a guard and we get access to a single set of clothes and a spear.

As we are slipping free from our wagon raiders attack the caravan and we sneak into the desert to hide and await the raids completion. Come dawn we are searching for water (a constant activity in Dark Sun) and we realize that we have no way of storing the water…so we do the only thing we can. We use the half Giants loincloth as a make shift waterskin…and quench our parched lips with crotch flavored brackish cactus water.

Such dire measures are short lived as we scavenge the sacked caravan and scrounge some basic clothes and a few clay jars that double as water barrels. Some broken chains and wagon wood become improvised clubs and chain whips and off we go.

Our first encounter is against a nest of ankhegs and we smash them with broken chunks of wood and a single obsidian spear. We take as solid beating in the process and bemoan our complete lack of healing. Inside the ankheg nest we locate globs of honey that function as cure light wound potions. We tear apart the carapaces from the giants insects and use the half giant loin cloth for a rucksack to carry our honey.

We wander the desert for days no knowing what direction to head in…half us nearly die of thirst as we fail checks to find water. Salvation comes in the form of a burial cairn that bears weapons and scraps of armor. We fend off a host of skeletons and emerge from the tomb almost respectable for 1st level characters (we started at level 3 though so we are still raggedy for our level).

By the end of our first session we stumble upon a camp of humanoids (I don’t recall what they are named) that gain attack bonuses as more of them attack you. We get our asses kicked but manage to break them and run them off. In their camp is a solid metal chest that we are super eager to break into. Our DM warns us off it and we ignore his hints to leave it be. The Bard tries to pick the lock with a scrap of metal from a chain and he rolls a natural 20. Our cheers are short lived as a fire elemental rises from the chest and attacks us. I am sketchy on the actual rules but as I recall the fire elemental in 2nd edition had immunity to anything less than a +3 weapon. The chest was a McGuffin we were supposed to hold onto for some time before opening. It killed all five of us without breaking a sweat.

What else do you put in a Fountain?

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A 2nd edition campaign with a very small player base. In traditional cliché style we were investigating a newly discovered temple in a dense forest outside a wilderness town. We had three characters…a NE druid that was obsessed with baboons and would only use a greatclub for a weapon. A N Fighter Mage that dual wielded longswords and a Wizard that specialized in flint lock pistols and fire spells.

Some unusual behavior in the townspeople (amnesia and unexplained wounds) led us to believe they were involved with the temple and must be part of their cult. We found the temple and dispatched some cultists we found on the grounds. The temple was non descript and only had three rooms. In the center room was a fountain. The fountain was empty. We searched the three rooms for DAYS. We could hear noises under the floor but could not find a way to get under there. More cultists showed up and we killed them too. Finally the fighter mage decided to try and fill the fountain. He found some bloodstains on the fountain floor and deduced that it must be filled with blood to trigger the secret door to the lower levels. So we slashed the throats of the dead guards and tried to drain them into the fountain. Only problem…blood doesn’t really flow from a dead body. Our solution? Find live bodies!

Our increasingly psychotic group tracked the forest for cultist to take alive and we would drag them screaming and begging for mercy back to the fountain where we drained their blood inside. Still no door or entrance made itself available. At this point our DM was practically hitting us over the head with

DM: THE BLOOD HAS NO EFFECT ON THE FOUNTAIN. CLEARLY THE FOUNTAIN IS NOT PART OF GETTING TO THE OTHER PART OF THE TEMPLE.

We went back into town and the druid who was getting hungry decided to eat the first thing he could catch and kill…which happened to be a townsperson domestic goat. He walked to their little garden and clubbed the leashed goat to death and then proceeded to gut it in their back yard and eat it raw. The city guard came and pressed him for an explanation…he offered them some of the goat and looked confused.

The townsfolk had us hanged after killing three of the town guard.

As we swung from the gallows the DM almost in tears yells out
DM: The entrance WAS BEHIND THE TEMPLE IN THE CELLAR. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NOT LOOK AROUND THE OUTSIDE! Ahhhh!!!!!!

Death was a Pale Horse:

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I genuinely think this campaign was the closest our DM came to having a nervous breakdown. In the infancy of 3rd edition we put together a squad of characters and began play working with a horse merchant. We were all level 1 and had fairly cool characters for level 1. What they were was not important…what happened is.

The horse merchant was well known and established for some of the finest mounts for a hundred miles. We all went through some checks to find mounts best suited in temperament and personality for our characters. A ton of thought was put into this and I think it was meant to make us care about our horses instead of using them as cover.

In an isolated corral was a princely horse…a fine stallion of remarkable speed and strength. A truly bad ass horse. We all made rolls to try and see if the horse would take us as riders. All of us failed. We pressed anyway. Our fighter tried to break the stallions will and got thrown from the mount in response. Our wizard tried to daze it with color spray before mounting it…the horse kicked him in the head and rolled maximum damage…killing him outright. Outraged the fighter charged and tried to avenge the wizard…the horse hit him with two hooves and a bite attack the next round and knocked him out. Our ranger tried putting an arrow into the horse and he actually managed to connect…the merchant took offense and lit into the ranger. The campaign ended before it began with the horse killing four of us and the merchant killing the ranger.

A Charmed End:

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So...this one time we decided to try and synergize a broken group of characters. We built two half-ogre fighters with spiked chains and combat reflexes that would go the way of spring attack. Think about the very early OOTS strip where Roy fights the half ogre. Exactly like that. Except...we made two of them. We then made two evil cleric who would raise dead and summon creatures to choke a battlefield. Our fifth character was a halfling rogue that was meant to stalk the twirling circles of chainy death.

Our very first encounter was against a force on the other side of a ravine. As the first opposing arrow fell against us...the question was raised.

"Did anyone pack a missile weapon?"

A few turns of arrows and a pair of failed will saves against Charm Person later, our ogre death machines had fulfilled their purpose against our clerics and dismantled our rogue into small squishy bits.

DM: So...you ready to roll up a new party?

Know Your Role:

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This campaign is the reason one of our oldest house rules got thrown out. Once upon a time we would randomly roll up a magic item to begin the game with. Kind of a family heirloom that the youngsters take with them when they hit the road. We would do so randomly. This was the last time that ever happened.

I think (memory is fuzzy on this one) this was our attempt at running the Sunless Citadel...we didn't get very far in and never reattempted it again so not sure. For those with better recollections...Sunless Citadel had Meepo right? The kobold jailor?

Anyway...one of our party was a rogue/sorcerer, another was a drow wizard...we also had a dwarf ranger with dual waraxes and an elvish archer. . The drow rolled up a Ring of Blinking and despite being a first level wizard with a con penalty he somehow decided that the ability to walk through walls (with bad side effects) made him a front line fighter. The rogue was hellbent on sneak attacking something...he didnt care what and we ended up fighting against a pack of humanoids. The drow tried to walk through a wall to help set up a flank for the rogue and he ended up taking enough damage by botching the blink effect that he knocked himself out. The rogue summoned a critter (while in melee) to become his replacement flanker and the attacks of opportunity this afforded got him killed outright.

The fighter and ranger both tried to bug out and I think successfully escaped. A fifth party member died, but I can't recall exact details. We never got random items again based on how horrifically mismanaged the ring of blinking turned out.