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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Five years old and growing. This isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

    List of people with opened PM boxes:

    -Asteron Questar
    -Anyone else who wants to be added to the list


    Here are the basics.

    The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

    Rules Of Relationships:
    #1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

    #2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

    #3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

    #4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

    #5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

    #6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

    #6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

    #7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

    #8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

    A list - courtesy of Pheehelm

    RULES. YOU READ THESE.
    -Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

    -KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

    -Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

    -We are not allowed to dispense advice that should be handled by a professional, including psychological or medical advice.

    I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

    So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response.

    -Syka





    We have a sister thread in Personal Woes and Advice, which is suited for any woes you may have with things unrelated to relationships.
    Last edited by Philemonite; 2014-02-10 at 03:02 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Alad View Post
    Ahh. Sucks man, well at least its over and done with and off your chest now? Hope things are not awkward between you now.
    Nah, it's fine. Better that she knows I think.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Nah, it's fine. Better that she knows I think.
    Agreed. Also, good luck finding someone else to be interested in


    (Why won't my stupid browser let me cite from the other thread? )


    @Socksy: Doing it next weekend seems like the best course of action. I guess there's not much else to do but maybe in the future try to make invites early, as Serpentine mentioned.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Kato View Post
    Agreed. Also, good luck finding someone else to be interested in
    Eh. I'm mostly asexual, and last time was five years ago, so chances are that won't happen for another five years.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Asteron Questar View Post
    #4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)
    This seems like good advice to me. I'm kind of interested with starting a relationship with someone, but I am terrified of openly admitting it. And I have tried hinting a few times and seemed to receive positive responses but who knows. (I have only established that she is currently not in a relationship and admitted that I was trying to be charming). Although one thing is that I am scared of being turned down. At least partly I think I would find myself uncomfortable after any direct rejection. I already in some ways distance myself from somebody who would probably refer to me as a friend because I find them attractive and they are already dating someone else.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    You can than Syka for that, she formulated the rules.

    I always go direct, but that might be because I have very limited dating options, so I don't like to waste my time. Subtle can be very romantic, but when it comes to intentions it is easier to have clear communication.

    What's the best/worst thing that can happen?

    You don't tell her:
    Nothing happens/Nothing happens.
    You tell her
    She likes you too/She rejects you.

    There is a difference, but nothing happens and she rejects you have the same outcome, you don't get together.

    So, Desperation Day is, that's nice. It's also my break up anniversary, yay for me.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    And another problem that can spring up because of hints. You can assume that your message got through but when it doesn't and they seem to react with a response of no you can assume a lack on interest when in fact they just didn't realize what you communicated.

    I'm bringing this up not because of anything I did but because some girl tried to interact with me today and I have no idea why. It was during a walking class and I think she asked if I wanted to listen to her music. This came out of nowhere and I said no.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    And another problem that can spring up because of hints. You can assume that your message got through but when it doesn't and they seem to react with a response of no you can assume a lack on interest when in fact they just didn't realize what you didn't actually communicate.
    Fixed that for ya.
    Jude P.

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    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Here's another eving Valentine's day with me having no date, no marriage, no eving nothing.


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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I've got a date with a twentieth of a gallon of Kraken myself. Maybe a fortieth or less, I'd have to check.

    Edit: Let's call it a thirtieth just for wiggle room/margin of error.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2014-02-14 at 06:12 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    It's amazing how a holiday invented to sell more chocolate, flowers and gift cards manages to depress so many people... Honestly, I'm not the least bit more irritated about my continued failure to find a partner than any other day of the year.
    (Which is to say, "quite a bit" but not "oh no, my life is so terrible")
    "What's done is done."

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Kato View Post
    It's amazing how a holiday invented to sell more chocolate, flowers and gift cards manages to depress so many people... Honestly, I'm not the least bit more irritated about my continued failure to find a partner than any other day of the year.
    (Which is to say, "quite a bit" but not "oh no, my life is so terrible")
    Yeah, funny how a day dedicated to making single people feel like outcasts and that there's something fundamentally wrong with them (why else would they be single?) can tend to make some people feel miserable. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    after 13 years, First Valentine alone

    beer night!
    All that we see or seem
    is just a dream within a dream


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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Yes, that's exactly why this day was invented. Specifically to make you, personally, feel bad. That's why there's a whole industry devoted to making and selling cards that say things like "Sucks to be you!" and "No one will ever love you" 9.9

    I'm looking forward to cheap chocolate and going to The Princess Bride and a chocolate cafe with some other single friends tomorrow. Should be fun
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2014-02-14 at 05:16 AM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    There are two types of people on Valentines Day; those with someone and those without. Those without empathise with other people that lack a significant other....and there's more than you think. Those with someone are apathetic towards single people because their attentions are focused on their partners. Walking around sneering at single people is not a romantic activity for Valentines day.
    Last edited by The Succubus; 2014-02-14 at 05:34 AM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Thanks, Serpentine.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Walking around sneering at single people is not a romantic activity for Valentines day.
    Well, I'm sure there is a small subset of people who would consider this an entertaining pass-time
    But yeah, for most people who are in a relationship and care for the day I guess their partners are much more important than any single person they meet.

    If it was something that honestly bothered me I could always meet up with other single friends/people who don't put emphasis on a randomly declared holiday and do something exceptionally fun with them.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Walking around sneering at single people is not a romantic activity for Valentines day.
    It's not romantic to walk around as a couple tasting the tears of the single folk?
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Kato View Post
    It's amazing how a holiday invented to sell more chocolate, flowers and gift cards manages to depress so many people... Honestly, I'm not the least bit more irritated about my continued failure to find a partner than any other day of the year.
    (Which is to say, "quite a bit" but not "oh no, my life is so terrible")
    I think it's more the rush or relationship-themed stuff. When you're bombarded by hearts and "buy flowers for your valentine!" it makes you dwell on not having one that much more.



    Edit: It also helps if you have other single friends to hang out with. Of course, if everyone you normally spend time with is in a relationship...
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    To this is an ... odd one. And it's familial, not romantic.

    My parents have been divorced for the last 10 years, and today for my low level Japanese course, I was suppose to bring in a picture of my family so we could work on describing them. Should be pretty simple. Knowing I have nothing framed from when I was a little kid, I looked to see if I had anything online (AKA: Facebook). I've got some pictures of me and my mom, and no pictures of me and my dad, and no pictures of the three of us from back when.

    For some reason, this really upset me.

    I am now set on getting a nice picture of me and my dad, which should be decently easy, all said and done. However, what I really want is a nice picture of both my parents and myself. At this point, things are pretty tame between the two--it's been 10 years after all--but I don't know how well this desire would be reciprocated. In the past, they've offered to both take me out together for my birthday and things, and I've always declined, as it would make me sad and miss how things were.

    I said things between the two are tame now, but aside from a handful of events where they'd sit together and watch me in silence, I can't think when they've really interacted much longer than 10 minutes. I don't even know how to bring up the fact I want this sort of picture. I could probably get one if I ever get married, but that'd be long off and my dad's getting old and his family doesn't have the best health record.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
    To this is an ... odd one. And it's familial, not romantic.

    My parents have been divorced for the last 10 years, and today for my low level Japanese course, I was suppose to bring in a picture of my family so we could work on describing them. Should be pretty simple. Knowing I have nothing framed from when I was a little kid, I looked to see if I had anything online (AKA: Facebook). I've got some pictures of me and my mom, and no pictures of me and my dad, and no pictures of the three of us from back when.

    For some reason, this really upset me.

    I am now set on getting a nice picture of me and my dad, which should be decently easy, all said and done. However, what I really want is a nice picture of both my parents and myself. At this point, things are pretty tame between the two--it's been 10 years after all--but I don't know how well this desire would be reciprocated. In the past, they've offered to both take me out together for my birthday and things, and I've always declined, as it would make me sad and miss how things were.

    I said things between the two are tame now, but aside from a handful of events where they'd sit together and watch me in silence, I can't think when they've really interacted much longer than 10 minutes. I don't even know how to bring up the fact I want this sort of picture. I could probably get one if I ever get married, but that'd be long off and my dad's getting old and his family doesn't have the best health record.
    I can empathise with you on this, it will be 13 years for me on my birthday since my parents split. Judging by your description your parents seem relatively like mine, mostly reasonable in public situations involving you. So I doubt they would decline your wish to have both of them in a photo with you during a special occasion if its something you really want. This past year my oldest sister and I both got married and my parents remained civil towards one another. They didn't associate with each other longer than needed but they were at least respectful of one another. Now you don't have to wait for your own wedding or convication to ask this, time has passed and I am sure they would consent to this request since it is something you want and it is only a photo. If they ask you what you want for your next birthday then suggest that.
    Blarg...

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Kato View Post
    It's amazing how a holiday invented to sell more chocolate, flowers and gift cards manages to depress so many people... Honestly, I'm not the least bit more irritated about my continued failure to find a partner than any other day of the year.
    (Which is to say, "quite a bit" but not "oh no, my life is so terrible")
    Well, you know, when you've got a holiday dedicated to the art of seduction and carnal sex resulting from said seduction followed by a holiday dedicated to love and evaluating whether the sex one has been having has been as kinky as one could be having and testing the boundaries of carnality...

    Then again, I may have misunderstood the true meaning of Valentine's Day as a hormonal teenager, but it always seemed like an excuse for gorging on chocolate and proving one's validity as a sexual entity.

    Since I don't have a reason to celebrate though, I just get the Day after Valentine's. AKA CLEARANCE SALES ON CHOCOLATE.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2014-02-14 at 06:18 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Valentine's Day makes me feel so inadequate, stupid, weak and unmasculine. :(

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Since I don't have a reason to celebrate though, I just get the Day after Valentine's. AKA CLEARANCE SALES ON CHOCOLATE.
    I celebrate the day before, Desperation Day. True story.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    So, a guy says he doesn't want to be with me because I'm still on friendly terms with my ex. I can understand that. I mean, there is nothing going on between my ex and I, we are just friends, and that's all there will ever be, but I can understand he has problems with that. Calling me sick for keeping in touch with my ex is something I can't understand. I wasn't mad (well, maybe a little), but that didn't matter because we were done.
    Now, after a few days, he sends me a text, saying he wants to give us a chance. And now I'm off to bang my head against a wall, or something like that.
    I was working double shift yesterday, I only had a few hours of sleep (that were plagued by horrible nightmares) and I can't think. I don't even know how to answer.
    Last edited by Philemonite; 2014-02-16 at 06:08 AM. Reason: Half-asleep typing
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Asteron Questar View Post
    So, a guy says he doesn't want to be with me because I'm still on friendly terms with my ex. I can understand that. I mean, there is nothing going on between my ex and I, we are just friends, and that's all there will ever be, but I can understand he has problems with that. Calling me sick for keeping in touch with my ex is something I can't understand. I wasn't mad (well, maybe a little), but that didn't matter because we were done.
    Now, after a few days, he sends me a text, saying he wants to give us a chance. And now I'm off to bang my head against a wall, or something like that.
    I was working double shift yesterday, I only had a few hours of sleep (that were plagued by horrible nightmares) and I can't think. I don't even know how to answer.
    Yeesh. That level of insecurity is a bad, bad sign. I can understand uncomfortableness with the ex friend situation, I can even understand the deal breaker part if one is a little immature and has overly-romantic notions about love, or if the ex and the potential partner are super close / generally acting couple-y.
    But calling you sick? That's downright jerk behaviour, and definitely in "back away slowly" territory.

    If it was me, I would answer something like, "hey, thanks for your message, but our conflict the other day showed me that we are too different in our approaches to relationships, so I don't think we're compatible. All the best yadda yadda insert platitude here."
    Do with that what you will.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    Yeesh. That level of insecurity is a bad, bad sign. I can understand uncomfortableness with the ex friend situation, I can even understand the deal breaker part if one is a little immature and has overly-romantic notions about love, or if the ex and the potential partner are super close / generally acting couple-y.
    But calling you sick? That's downright jerk behaviour, and definitely in "back away slowly" territory.

    If it was me, I would answer something like, "hey, thanks for your message, but our conflict the other day showed me that we are too different in our approaches to relationships, so I don't think we're compatible. All the best yadda yadda insert platitude here."
    Do with that what you will.
    I agree.
    Asterion Questar, you probably aren't missing much anyway, this guy sounds a little unstable.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    Yeesh. That level of insecurity is a bad, bad sign. I can understand uncomfortableness with the ex friend situation, I can even understand the deal breaker part if one is a little immature and has overly-romantic notions about love, or if the ex and the potential partner are super close / generally acting couple-y.
    But calling you sick? That's downright jerk behaviour, and definitely in "back away slowly" territory.

    If it was me, I would answer something like, "hey, thanks for your message, but our conflict the other day showed me that we are too different in our approaches to relationships, so I don't think we're compatible. All the best yadda yadda insert platitude here."
    Do with that what you will.
    My ex and I saw each other once in the last 12 months, and our communication is a few texts once/twice a month. He is actually working abroad. It's about 50km away, but it's in another country.
    We are definitely not close, I didn't even say we were friends, I said friendly.

    It does sound a little harsher when translated to English, but it was still offensive. As far as I understand, he didn't mean it as an insult, he is a little aggressive.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kalmageddon View Post
    I agree.
    Asterion Questar, you probably aren't missing much anyway, this guy sounds a little unstable.
    That's the thing, as far as I know he is a decent guy, but it appears he has severe trust issues. I think that's the biggest problem. Otherwise, he passed all my "tests" so far.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well, I wouldn't write him off because he's a little insecure. He may start to feel more confident and upbeat when he's dating you, if you choose to go ahead with it.

    One thing you would have to make 100% clear is that if he starts to restrict you from seeing your friends, then the relationship is over. He needs to understand that and you need to be strong enough to make good on that warning as well. Getting him to say it out loud would be a good sign that he's agreeing to it - don't *assume* he's okay with it because that won't end anywhere good.

    If you think you can do both of those, then give him a chance. I'd think carefully on it though.
    Last edited by The Succubus; 2014-02-16 at 07:00 AM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Well, I wouldn't write him off because he's a little insecure. He may start to feel more confident and upbeat when he's dating you, if you choose to go ahead with it.
    Being "insecure" sounds like a big understatement.
    This guy at the very least insulted Asterion because he's still in contact with an ex. This should not be acceptable, ever, expecially considering that he apparently didn't even apologized for his behaviour.
    There's being insecure in a "I hope you like me" kind of way, which might be endearing, then there's being insecure in a "If you do X I'll have a nervous breakdown and rain insults on you" kind of way, which to me is unacceptable.
    It might be unpopular to say out loud, but if you have such glaring personal issues you shouldn't be dating in the first place.
    Last edited by Kalmageddon; 2014-02-16 at 07:40 AM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Well, I wouldn't write him off because he's a little insecure. He may start to feel more confident and upbeat when he's dating you, if you choose to go ahead with it.
    Good points. The important part isn't what he's feeling (we're all insecure to some degree), but how he acts, and what demands he makes.

    Where my alarm bells go off, though, is when he starts projecting and placing blame outside of his own jerkbrain. There is a huge difference between "I know it's silly, but I'm feeling jealous, so could you please reassure me now?" and "You are sick for maintaining this relation!". Separating what you're feeling from what is actually happening is a crucial life skill.

    IMO it might be salvagable if he apologizes and starts showing a lot more self-reflection about the issue (which is possible, if he is just a hothead who blew up and now regrets it). I just wouldn't put my money on it, and I wouldn't personally take the risk unless I was really invested in this person.
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