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  1. - Top - End - #1261
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Amaril View Post
    I honestly had no idea I was even being inconsiderate at the time. I knew texting was not okay, but I thought an actual call was considered a different matter.

    Well, now I know to never do it again...assuming this doesn't make me a horrible person who can't be allowed to have a relationship forever, at least
    nah, it doesn't.. live and learn.
    Last edited by dehro; 2015-01-20 at 12:52 PM.
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
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    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  2. - Top - End - #1262
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    Knaight's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    And the hostess said that none of them had any particular dietary concerns, but that her roommate would appreciate my asking.

    I'm quite confused by that reply and asked "she'd be appreciative of my not wanting to kill her with anaphylaxis?"

    Apparently, yes.
    It's more that you taking her dietary concerns into account ahead of time implies that you're actually cooking to feed her among other people, as opposed to cooking for everyone else, where she might also get some, maybe, provided that she's not allergic or anything.

    The not wanting to kill her with anaphylaxis is just one of those things that is generally assumed.
    I would really like to see a game made by Obryn, Kurald Galain, and Knaight from these forums.

    I'm not joking one bit. I would buy the hell out of that.
    -- ChubbyRain

    Current Design Project: Legacy, a game of masters and apprentices for two players and a GM.

  3. - Top - End - #1263
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    Flumph

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    The not wanting to kill her with anaphylaxis is just one of those things that is generally assumed.
    You lucky sod.
    I don't get that courtesy-something about a resting axe murderer face, werewolves, and yanking out souls (which since I'm not a goth, overt pagan, etc I thought was extra troubling)

  4. - Top - End - #1264
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    It's more that you taking her dietary concerns into account ahead of time implies that you're actually cooking to feed her among other people, as opposed to cooking for everyone else, where she might also get some, maybe, provided that she's not allergic or anything.
    Huh. Yeah, I suppose that is sort of my default state, since I knew she'd probably be there and as long as it wasn't hated I'd be leaving any leftovers with the hosts and I enjoy eating sweets less than I enjoy making them, possibly as the result of some kind of personality flaw but I don't think that I have a fetish or anything at least, so having others to share the fruits of my labor with is always appreciated. Especially since 2 dozen cookies are a lot easier on the waistlines of 8 people than on the waistlines of 3.

    Still feels a bit weird to actually treat it as my thinking about her though. I guess I'm less over high school than I had thought since the thought of having been thinking about her roommate feels almost, well, forward in a way.

    That or it's just guilt about my natural baseline state of horndoggedness... Or maybe it's horndogosity...

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    The not wanting to kill her with anaphylaxis is just one of those things that is generally assumed.
    That is what I thought. I guess I'm just more familiar with people who can have a reaction just from being in a room with food they're allergic to if they're unlucky because those sorts of people have to burn knowledge of their allergy into the minds of others in order to protect themselves. Ah, well.

    Thank you everyone, I think I've got a better handle on what happened there, now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
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  5. - Top - End - #1265
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    Knaight's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Huh. Yeah, I suppose that is sort of my default state, since I knew she'd probably be there and as long as it wasn't hated I'd be leaving any leftovers with the hosts and I enjoy eating sweets less than I enjoy making them, possibly as the result of some kind of personality flaw but I don't think that I have a fetish or anything at least, so having others to share the fruits of my labor with is always appreciated. Especially since 2 dozen cookies are a lot easier on the waistlines of 8 people than on the waistlines of 3.
    It's a reasonable default state, but it's rare enough to feel considerate. I generally at least offer food to room mates, but might not bother inquiring about dietary restrictions ahead of time unless there's a reasonably convenient opportunity to. I still generally pick up some idea of what they are fairly quickly, along with a decent approximation of spice tolerance. It's not uncommon to not bother with that much.

    Basically, she said it was considerate because your default state is to be considerate about that. It's a pretty straightforward situation.
    I would really like to see a game made by Obryn, Kurald Galain, and Knaight from these forums.

    I'm not joking one bit. I would buy the hell out of that.
    -- ChubbyRain

    Current Design Project: Legacy, a game of masters and apprentices for two players and a GM.

  6. - Top - End - #1266
    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I'm not really feeling super comfortable doing this, but I need some kind of distraction and writing about it may help relieve some of that.

    Spoiler: for length
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    Over half a year ago I got to know this girl, and quite quickly I fell in love with her. It was the first time I felt really in love ever in my life and I wanted to do something with it. I kept it in for some time, but around July I decided to tell her. At first glance it seemed alright, but she very quickly told me that she could not be in a realationship and she told me a bit of her past and that she had been abused by her previous boyfriend for multiple years and that she was still recovering from the after effects about 1 year after the breakup. She had trouble sleeping, and got depressed when thinking back about it. Knowing the good-hearted person I am, I decided I wanted to help her, to see the positive side of life again, with in the back of my mind the idea that this may open her up to me. For several months however things have been going rather slow. We had some conversations over Skype and I managed to see her in private once (all other times I saw her were at meetups with other people). I send her flowers once and offered her a variety of outings like an amusement park or going to see a movie. Eventually things began to run stale. Everything I offered, she would just say no and everytime the conversation was even going remotely in the direction of the word 'relationship' she would try to avoid it like the plague. This all started to get to me, with the last time I offered her something was in October, to go see movie. She said she was really busy for the next couple of weeks, and I just accepted that, so I stopped offering, because it would be no use. I tried to get her to talk to me a little more often, just to be more friendly, and that was very slowly working out. With the information that she was terrribly busy I didn't want to bother her too much, so I kept rather quiet. However I began hearing things from other people. She was doing all kinds of things with other people, specifically with this one guy we both know quite well. This was slowly getting to me. I was slowly getting the feeling she was interested in someone else and these feelings was going from jealousy to fear to depression. Eventually, around the end of November, she was having a last minute party. She invited some people (including me) and that evening we all had a good time, even if it was only the 4 of us. (Her, me, the guy I just told about and one very good friend of her that I know quite well too). We all slept there (it was a two hour drive to get to her and the invitations were sent around 7:30) and the next day we continued the 'party' a little longer, until she had to go to work. I dropped off two people at the train station close-by and quickly head back to her to give her something, a small gift I had made for her. She accepted it, but a bit reluctantly...

    The next day afternoon, she contacted me on Skype. And for the first time in 5 months, she was finally being crystal clear to me, and it would never be something between us. She noticed how much of an emotional wreck I had become because of all the suspicion and she felt like she was being bribed into being my girlfriend, I agree I went too far and accepted here choice, I saw it coming and I didn't have a choice anyway. We talked for about 15 minutes, but the bottom line was it was never going to work. I thanked her for giving me the closure I desperately needed. That day was the saddest day of my life, and broke my heart in a million pieces and soon after the conversation stopped, I bursted into tears, her comforting presence fading away and the realization finally kicking in. The following week was very hard, but very slowly I was getting my life back together...

    One week later the 4th person of the party contacted me on Skype, asking me how I was doing. She was very well informed about the situation between me and her, practically living in the same house as her. They were both at work at that time, they had the same job back then, so I feel this was one way for the girl to ask me how I was doing without asking it directly. I told them I was managing, but the pain was certainly not gone. Over time she began dropping hints about the girl and after about 10 minutes, I managed to figure out that the girl I was in love with, was now in a relationship with the other guy from the party for about a week. My heart dropped to my feet and I was back at square one, with tears runnign down my face once more. The same day she told me that it would never be something between me and her, she told the other guy she loved him and he said yes. Apparently she felt that way already before I told her I loved her. She never dared to tell me she loved someone else in those 5 months I tried to win her, because she was afraid she would hurt my feelings, but it was because she waited to tell me, it only hurt me even more. She only did it because she was also having trouble cooping with the situation. It was at that time I decided to cut most ties with her, her new boyfriend and her 'roommate' and even the entire (Dutch) Brony community through which I got to know them in the first place, in order to protect myself from any more harm and heal my now-shattered heart.

    I took the decency to send them a homemade Christmas card and I sent them a text telling them 'Happy New Year' but besides that I have had no direct contact with them.

    Here I am now, almost two months later, and I still can't deal with it rationally. Every time I see something she posts on deviantart about her being so happy with her boyfriend, I die a little inside, everytime I see a pciture of them together, I get depressed. I can't help but connect this horrible feeling of rejection with her new found love life and every time she mentions it directly or indirectly (through pictures or photos), I can't help but think back about that one sunday of November she flatout rejected me.

    Next month, a convention is coming up, one that they both help organize and this week is the last week to send in a form about our tickets and the special perks associated with it. I bought the most expensive ticket during the crowdfunding (130 Euros), way before any of this stuff happened, but now I am heavily conficted about whether or not I should go. I'm afraid I'm not going to have a good time there, especally at the special first day that is only available for people that bought the expensive tickets. As I said, I can't handle my sadness right now because of the harsh way everything went. I still think about them everyday, both the good times and the bad times we all had together.


    Sorry for the long post, I even let a piece out that happened somewhere in between, but that does not add too much to the story (compared to the eventual conclusion at least). But yeah, basically for the first time in my life I fall in love, get this and now I have lost all hope in humanity (and that is not even that far from the truth).

    I know that this problem is very difficult, and right now I feel I don't need real advice on how to proceed, more the fact I need a way to cheer up. These last 2 months I have never felt this lonely in my life and considering there is a picture of me when you look up the word introvert in the dictionary, I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by RoyVG; 2015-01-21 at 12:02 PM.
    Homebrew:
    The inFAMOUS Conduit base class. Wow I actually finished it...
    The Darksiders base class, based on the videogame with the same name.

    I also draw some stuff here, Gamespectre on Deviantart

  7. - Top - End - #1267
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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by RoyVG View Post
    But yeah, basically for the first time in my life I fall in love, get this and now I have lost all hope in humanity (and that is not even that far from the truth).

    I know that this problem is very difficult, and right now I feel I don't need real advice on how to proceed, more the fact I need a way to cheer up. These last 2 months I have never felt this lonely in my life and considering there is a picture of me when you look up the word introvert in the dictionary, I don't know what to do.
    Okay, I know you said you weren't particularly asking for advice, but here's my two cents anyhow:

    1. Don't give up. No matter how bad things are now, they will get better.

    2. Don't give up. I know "it'll get better eventually" sounds hollow and meaningless. I know it seems like you'll never really recover. I have been in a similar situation, with that kind of depression spiral. I'm only now starting to really break out of it after hitting absolute rock-bottom last semester.

    It likely won't be easy. You won't be able to make yourself get over things tomorrow, or next week, or next month, more than likely. It'll probably take a while. If you need to take a step back and sort some things out, do it. Don't be afraid to reach out to people you can trust and just vent--whether that's friends or family, or the people here on the GitP board. If you need it, there is professional help for these kinds of things. But above all, don't let it consume you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel--and even if that light is the train coming to run you over, don't let it stop you from getting back up and pushing forward.

    3. When you finally are in a place where you can move on, treat this as a learning experience. Figure out what you could've done better, what should have warned you off earlier than it did, and use this experience so that you don't make the same mistake twice.

    That's all I've got, I hope that helps.
    I'm playing Ironsworn, an RPG that you can run solo - and I'm putting the campaign up on GitP!

    Most recent update: Chapter 6: Devastation

    -----

    A worldbuilding project, still work in progress: Reign of the Corven

    Most recent update: another look at magic traditions!

  8. - Top - End - #1268
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    Knaight's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by RoyVG View Post
    Here I am now, almost two months later, and I still can't deal with it rationally. Every time I see something she posts on deviantart about her being so happy with her boyfriend, I die a little inside, everytime I see a pciture of them together, I get depressed. I can't help but connect this horrible feeling of rejection with her new found love life and every time she mentions it directly or indirectly (through pictures or photos), I can't help but think back about that one sunday of November she flatout rejected me.
    Honestly, this sounds like something that is causing you real distress. The first step in cheering up is not seeing this stuff, you're not emotionally ready for it. Unfollow the deviantart account, unfollow facebook or whatever if it's applicable, etc. Just because it's an irrationally induced distress doesn't mean it isn't real and doesn't warrant real attention.

    Also, there's the matter of how to think about what happened. You can treat it as you being rejected in favor of someone else, but that's a pretty negative spin that doesn't really help. Or, you can think of it as you having a friend, trying a relationship out, and her just not being too into it, but not really being clear on what she felt until later. It happens, nobody is really at fault* because there's not really anything to be at fault for. It sucks, but it will pass.

    *Though there is some level of stupid cultural background stuff, and then there's the matter of the tools she'd dated prior, both of which are unhelpful.
    I would really like to see a game made by Obryn, Kurald Galain, and Knaight from these forums.

    I'm not joking one bit. I would buy the hell out of that.
    -- ChubbyRain

    Current Design Project: Legacy, a game of masters and apprentices for two players and a GM.

  9. - Top - End - #1269
    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    Okay, I know you said you weren't particularly asking for advice, but here's my two cents anyhow:

    1. Don't give up. No matter how bad things are now, they will get better.

    2. Don't give up. I know "it'll get better eventually" sounds hollow and meaningless. I know it seems like you'll never really recover. I have been in a similar situation, with that kind of depression spiral. I'm only now starting to really break out of it after hitting absolute rock-bottom last semester.

    It likely won't be easy. You won't be able to make yourself get over things tomorrow, or next week, or next month, more than likely. It'll probably take a while. If you need to take a step back and sort some things out, do it. Don't be afraid to reach out to people you can trust and just vent--whether that's friends or family, or the people here on the GitP board. If you need it, there is professional help for these kinds of things. But above all, don't let it consume you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel--and even if that light is the train coming to run you over, don't let it stop you from getting back up and pushing forward.

    3. When you finally are in a place where you can move on, treat this as a learning experience. Figure out what you could've done better, what should have warned you off earlier than it did, and use this experience so that you don't make the same mistake twice.

    That's all I've got, I hope that helps.
    Thanks for the kind words. Immediately after it happened I went to my parents, but I feel they were too rough about the matter and didn't offer me enough support. They immediately blamed her for everything, but I know that wasn't true. I also reached out to my two best friends, though one just heard his grandfather passed away, so I waited with him until a couple of days later. Still I used it as an opportunity to release my emotions.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    Honestly, this sounds like something that is causing you real distress. The first step in cheering up is not seeing this stuff, you're not emotionally ready for it. Unfollow the deviantart account, unfollow facebook or whatever if it's applicable, etc. Just because it's an irrationally induced distress doesn't mean it isn't real and doesn't warrant real attention.

    Also, there's the matter of how to think about what happened. You can treat it as you being rejected in favor of someone else, but that's a pretty negative spin that doesn't really help. Or, you can think of it as you having a friend, trying a relationship out, and her just not being too into it, but not really being clear on what she felt until later. It happens, nobody is really at fault* because there's not really anything to be at fault for. It sucks, but it will pass.

    *Though there is some level of stupid cultural background stuff, and then there's the matter of the tools she'd dated prior, both of which are unhelpful.
    It has been causing a lot of stress, but this week a bit more than others, because of the convention that is coming up and the deadline this weekend. I just started my MSc Thesis so I'm not at home as much as before and I used a site blocker to block a couple of sites, like all the deviantart pages of the various persons involved, and the forum where I got to know them all in the first place. I don't use Facebook at all, and she also hardly used it during the time. I still have them in my Skype friendlist, but changed both their names to just a bunch of X's and Z's so she would be practically invisible at the bottom of my friend list.

    I agree that rejection is the wrong word for it, because she never had any intention to start anything with me anyway, I just made myself feel that way. I blame myself for lettting myself go too far, but also blame her for not being clear to me right from the beginning (or she was and I just didn't pick up the signals). In the end we're either both at fault, or neither of us are. Thank you for your kind words.

    Well, yesterday someone I have been chatting with over email for about a month finally responded after about two weeks of silence. We immediately exchanged Skype names (she offered to do that just before she stopped responding, but never got around giving me hers) and have been chatting for quite some time. That actually really cheered me up yesterday.
    Homebrew:
    The inFAMOUS Conduit base class. Wow I actually finished it...
    The Darksiders base class, based on the videogame with the same name.

    I also draw some stuff here, Gamespectre on Deviantart

  10. - Top - End - #1270
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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    Well, I have recently met and started talking to a girl in choir, and things seem to be going well. I don't know if things will develop into any kind of romantic relationship, but I certainly think there's a chance it might go that way. And even if they don't, she seems really cool, so I'd be happy with having her as a friend, too. We're meeting up this afternoon after we're both done with classes so I can help her make her first D&D character

    Now, I just can't let my usual (not entirely unjustified) paranoia that if I do ask her out, she'll say no and it will basically kill any friendship we had beforehand take over.

    So I guess I'm not really here for advice. More moral support, and a general thanks for all the advice people have given me here in the past. Y'all are great, really.
    Well, I am pleased to report that, for the first time since joining this thread, I can report back to the Playground with good news. She and I agreed to hang out yesterday afternoon, which turned into basically a date minus the official confirmation, and tonight after the D&D session (my first as DM, and her first overall), I asked her out on an actual date. So tomorrow evening, we're going to go see a movie together. This will be the first date I've had in a long time.

    So yeah, I'm pretty happy right now.
    I'm playing Ironsworn, an RPG that you can run solo - and I'm putting the campaign up on GitP!

    Most recent update: Chapter 6: Devastation

    -----

    A worldbuilding project, still work in progress: Reign of the Corven

    Most recent update: another look at magic traditions!

  11. - Top - End - #1271
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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    Well, I am pleased to report that, for the first time since joining this thread, I can report back to the Playground with good news. She and I agreed to hang out yesterday afternoon, which turned into basically a date minus the official confirmation, and tonight after the D&D session (my first as DM, and her first overall), I asked her out on an actual date. So tomorrow evening, we're going to go see a movie together. This will be the first date I've had in a long time.

    So yeah, I'm pretty happy right now.
    I know this was written a few days ago, but still good for you! It's wonderful to hear things like this working out. I hope the date was nice and wish you well on your happiness.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel View Post
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  12. - Top - End - #1272
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    There's nothing quite like finding out that someone else is romantically interested right before going to bed only to wake up to them texting that, on second thought, nothing can really happen, sorry.

    I wasn't even that invested or anything to begin with seeing as how I was still getting a feel for her as a person and deciding what to make of her and all, but the... whiplash of suddenly being wanted and then not wanted has thrown me for a loop. Or something.

    Which is kinda weird because really, I'm just back where I started aside from having had one person tell me I'm not ugly, yet I find this more unpleasant than simply never having had that two-parter conversation at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Homebrew
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  13. - Top - End - #1273
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    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    oh, yeah.. the joy of out of the blue preemptive rejection from someone you weren't even actively pursuing.. nothing quite like it.

    on another note, I finally decided to take the plunge and get on okCupid. I am finding some moderate level of interaction is actually occurring, but since I'm sure it's too long and I can do better, I could use an outside opinion on the profile...
    I know I should post more pics, also because the beard isn't there anymore.. that will have to wait for proper pics to be taken.. whenever.
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
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    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
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    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  14. - Top - End - #1274
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    oh, yeah.. the joy of out of the blue preemptive rejection from someone you weren't even actively pursuing.. nothing quite like it.
    Yeah, that's no fun, though this is more awkward and weird than directly nasty.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Homebrew
    To Do: Reboot and finish Riptide

  15. - Top - End - #1275
    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    There's nothing quite like finding out that someone else is romantically interested right before going to bed only to wake up to them texting that, on second thought, nothing can really happen, sorry.

    I wasn't even that invested or anything to begin with seeing as how I was still getting a feel for her as a person and deciding what to make of her and all, but the... whiplash of suddenly being wanted and then not wanted has thrown me for a loop. Or something.

    Which is kinda weird because really, I'm just back where I started aside from having had one person tell me I'm not ugly, yet I find this more unpleasant than simply never having had that two-parter conversation at all.
    If something like that happens, better have it happen within the first few days, than after a couple of weeks or even months, it saves you a whole lot of emotional pain. It may sound rude to say, and I'm certainly not qualified (read: experienced) enough to say this, but believe me that by the time you start really commiting yourself to someone only to hear it will never work out, is the most devastating things that can happen.

    As you say, you didn't feel that attached to her yet, but nevertheless it still has to suck that she goes from one feeling to another in such a short time. It still stings somewhere and makes you feel uncomfortable, but in a different way. At least good luck processing this.


    On a personal note, I've been having a few pretty good conversations with a girl I've been chatting with for a little while now. She really helps me get my mind of my problems and I enjoy talking to her a lot. I do feel attracted to her, but I'm still very uncertain about if and especially when I should tell her. My previous... escapades so to speak, have put a large dent in my confidence. I know I should wait, at least until we know each other a bit better. Anyone any advice or experience on something like this that they can and want to share?
    Homebrew:
    The inFAMOUS Conduit base class. Wow I actually finished it...
    The Darksiders base class, based on the videogame with the same name.

    I also draw some stuff here, Gamespectre on Deviantart

  16. - Top - End - #1276
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    This really isn't a woe, I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me what to look for if a girl is interested in me. A little background, I asked this girl to dinner, she said yes but that she was not ready for anything but still wanted to as friends. (I over thought this and came up with 3 possibilities, it was just a dinner as friends, its her way of letting me down easy, or her way of getting to know me/evaluating everything before moving on to anything). So the dinner happened, I enjoyed it very much. Now, I want to look back and try to determine what the deal is here. So if people can give me some simple advice as to what to look for to determine interest that would be great since I am horrible at reading people in general. I hope this makes sense. Hope everyone is doing well.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    A very good hint is that if someone makes the effort of saying they want to be friends (which is hard to say because you never know how the person will react), chances are that's what they meant.

    Don't try to look for hints that she was lying to you, testing you, tricking you, or that she changed her mind. She said she isn't interested and wants to be friends. Interpret it as "she isn't interested and wants to be friends".

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    A very good hint is that if someone makes the effort of saying they want to be friends (which is hard to say because you never know how the person will react), chances are that's what they meant.

    Don't try to look for hints that she was lying to you, testing you, tricking you, or that she changed her mind. She said she isn't interested and wants to be friends. Interpret it as "she isn't interested and wants to be friends".
    this.
    also, if her behaviour is really puzzling you because other thoughts or details occurred, then you can always ask her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Talar View Post
    This really isn't a woe, I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me what to look for if a girl is interested in me. A little background, I asked this girl to dinner, she said yes but that she was not ready for anything but still wanted to as friends. (I over thought this and came up with 3 possibilities, it was just a dinner as friends, its her way of letting me down easy, or her way of getting to know me/evaluating everything before moving on to anything). So the dinner happened, I enjoyed it very much. Now, I want to look back and try to determine what the deal is here. So if people can give me some simple advice as to what to look for to determine interest that would be great since I am horrible at reading people in general. I hope this makes sense. Hope everyone is doing well.
    I'd just assume that she wanted to go as friends. If it was a case of letting you down easy it would probably have involved some way of not going to the dinner, and while there is some possibility of romantic interest, I generally assume that isn't there unless there's a really good indication. Plus, if the getting to know you case is correct, she'll probably inform you.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Thanks guys, as I said I over thought it and just wanted some feedback. Continue being awesome.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Talar View Post
    This really isn't a woe, I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me what to look for if a girl is interested in me. A little background, I asked this girl to dinner, she said yes but that she was not ready for anything but still wanted to as friends. (I over thought this and came up with 3 possibilities, it was just a dinner as friends, its her way of letting me down easy, or her way of getting to know me/evaluating everything before moving on to anything). So the dinner happened, I enjoyed it very much. Now, I want to look back and try to determine what the deal is here. So if people can give me some simple advice as to what to look for to determine interest that would be great since I am horrible at reading people in general. I hope this makes sense. Hope everyone is doing well.
    Simple answer? She's weird and doesn't seem to grok why not to take someone's suggestion for a romantic date and make it into a platonic outing (or just doesn't give a fig) but probably legitimate in being interested in you platonically. That, or it's possible she likes you to some extent or could grow to like you but is dealing with her own baggage to the point where you need to write that off as an impossibility until she says otherwise.

    *shrug* I'd have told her that I wasn't comfortable going on what was intended as a date if it was going to be something else and that I'd much rather do something appropriate to the nature of the relationship that we can have as friends rather than the relationship I was interested in exploring as lovers or partners.

    Now that it's happened... Determinedly refuse to read anything into it or that she does. If she starts obviously acting like she's changed her mind or overstepping physical boundaries, then if she's doing so in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell her that and if she's doing in a way that makes you think she's coming onto you, tell her that as well and that if she's reconsidered her opinion, she should just tell you directly rather than playing any kind of games and if she's not intending to convey interest with her actions, would she kindly cut that out, then.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I came here because I thought I could help with giving advice, but I guess I have a 'woe' of sorts:

    When I'm interested in a girl, sometimes I may have the sense that she's interested in me (in hindsight, it's usually spot-on). The trouble with me is that I tend to wait too long before making a move so as not to muck it up. I have no trouble dealing with rejection (I've had a lot of practice), but I'm a perfectionist, and in that area I'd take the risk only if I was completely sure of 'reward'. I only realized this needed to change when I lost a potential girlfriend to one of my guy friends. My question is this: when is the right time to make a move?

    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
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    I am very concerned I am bisexual, and am worried what people will think. What do I do? I may still be straight. Help.
    I've felt that way before. I just decided not to let 'bisexual' become my identity. Working out for me so far, though on a level it's shifted to straight, but a bit bi-curious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
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    I am very concerned I am bisexual, and am worried what people will think. What do I do? I may still be straight. Help.
    If you are, you are. It's not a problem, and while it can increase the amount of dealing with tools you have to do, that's on them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Simple answer? She's weird and doesn't seem to grok why not to take someone's suggestion for a romantic date and make it into a platonic outing (or just doesn't give a fig) but probably legitimate in being interested in you platonically.
    ...
    *shrug* I'd have told her that I wasn't comfortable going on what was intended as a date if it was going to be something else and that I'd much rather do something appropriate to the nature of the relationship that we can have as friends rather than the relationship I was interested in exploring as lovers or partners.
    It's dinner. People eat places with friends, and there's no particular reason to stop doing that if one of the friends also likes the other romantically.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Yeah, I don't think it's weird to reply to, "Hey, do you want to go out to dinner, as a date?" with "I'm not interested in dating, but I'd be happy to get dinner together as friends". I learned about most of my favorite restaurants in my current hometown by going out to dinner with friends who'd lived here longer (a married couple).

    If the context was, "Hey, I read about this romantic high-end restaurant, would you let me treat you to dinner there?" and the reply was "I'm not interested in romance but I would like you to buy me dinner at an expensive restaurant", then that's more unfair/annoying/odd, but going out to dinner as friends doesn't seem strange in itself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    It's dinner. People eat places with friends, and there's no particular reason to stop doing that if one of the friends also likes the other romantically.
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    Certainly it's possible that they normally go out to eat dinner together one-on-one. It seems unlikely that this would be the case given the question posed to us about the situation, though, unless I missed some very crucial and obvious statement that this was the case between them prior.

    Ultimately though, that friends can and do go out to eat together without romantic context is irrelevant to my perception of the weirdness of this sort of deflection as it has been presented. I know they can. I have done so in the past.

    I would still find it weird if someone who I was friends with and became interested in threw me a counter proposal for a platonic dinner date, since I would see that as denying me the ability to save some face and exit the situation gracefully by accepting the rejection smoothly. I feel it would instead put me on the spot so that I had to choose between going on a platonic dinner date which I'd likely find annoying or frustrating because I wanted to be there with them under different circumstances or have to reject their offer and end up looking like some kind of dudebro or something.

    I don't much like being left no avenue of retreat, personally, even if there are some ways to at least attempt to take a third option.

    Maybe I'm the weirdo here, but having a proposal for a romantic date get turned into a platonic friendspedition seems less a consolation prize, natural segue from turning a friend down, or any other positive or neutral spin that I can think of, and more undesirable and unnecessary, even trying to consider it as a way of driving the rejection home or reinforcing it on the part of the rejector or any other negative spin I can think of, though I admit, I can't think of any other negative interpretations offhand, which is most of why I find it weird rather than necessarily or probably actively rude or anything.

    I suppose maybe there's a possibility that no better way of saying "I'm rejecting your romantic overture but I am still interested in potentially continuing on as friends if you can deal with that," occurred to her at the time so she went with that?


    Quote Originally Posted by Ifni View Post
    Yeah, I don't think it's weird to reply to, "Hey, do you want to go out to dinner, as a date?" with "I'm not interested in dating, but I'd be happy to get dinner together as friends".
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    It puts the other party on the spot, either they say no and look like a dudebro or Nice GuyTM whose veneer of niceness has fallen or something, or they have to take the platonic offer even though that's not what they asked about and not what they're really interested in, since a continuation of normal friendly relations would not necessitate going on a platonic dinner date in most circumstances.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ifni View Post
    I learned about most of my favorite restaurants in my current hometown by going out to dinner with friends who'd lived here longer (a married couple).
    Yes, and? That's kind of a separate context from the general scenario we're discussing or of the specific case that led us here.

    Unless you're saying that your primary reason for going out to dinner with these friends of yours was because they asked you out and you rejected them but went on platonic versions of the dinner date they'd asked you out on?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ifni View Post
    If the context was, "Hey, I read about this romantic high-end restaurant, would you let me treat you to dinner there?" and the reply was "I'm not interested in romance but I would like you to buy me dinner at an expensive restaurant", then that's more unfair/annoying/odd, but going out to dinner as friends doesn't seem strange in itself.
    I'm not sure where I mispoke, sorry, but that's not what I intended to convey here. I understand that friends can go out to dinner together without it being a romantical context in and of itself and was not trying to say that it's weird when that sort of thing happens.

    I'm reacting rather specifically to the idea of turning a proposal for a romantic date around into a counter proposal for the same thing stripped of its romance and with platonic nature soldered on.

    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
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    I suppose you don't tell anyone who you believe would have a negative reaction to your questioning your sexuality for now. I can't really recommend any good ways of determining whether you're actually interested in those you had not previously to fall within your preferred pool of potentials.


    Quote Originally Posted by Flaming Eagle View Post
    I came here because I thought I could help with giving advice, but I guess I have a 'woe' of sorts:
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    Certainly can use more of the former and the latter is what the thread's here for and sometimes we can give tit for tat and that's fine too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flaming Eagle View Post
    When I'm interested in a girl, sometimes I may have the sense that she's interested in me (in hindsight, it's usually spot-on). The trouble with me is that I tend to wait too long before making a move so as not to muck it up. I have no trouble dealing with rejection (I've had a lot of practice), but I'm a perfectionist, and in that area I'd take the risk only if I was completely sure of 'reward'. I only realized this needed to change when I lost a potential girlfriend to one of my guy friends. My question is this: when is the right time to make a move?
    If you think she's interested in her and she's gotten your attention enough that you've noticed her digging on you and you're not opposed to her digging on you, then you go for it in my book. Also, possibly consider informing your mates when you've got designs on a woman to minimize friendly fire.

    I'd recommend setting yourself a goal, or even a quota, to ask out several people on first dates just to get the practice in. And, hey, maybe you'll have something interesting develop.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2015-02-08 at 02:53 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    I would still find it weird if someone who I was friends with and became interested in threw me a counter proposal for a platonic dinner date, since I would see that as denying me the ability to save some face and exit the situation gracefully by accepting the rejection smoothly. I feel it would instead put me on the spot so that I had to choose between going on a platonic dinner date which I'd likely find annoying or frustrating because I wanted to be there with them under different circumstances or have to reject their offer and end up looking like some kind of dudebro or something.

    I don't much like being left no avenue of retreat, personally, even if there are some ways to at least attempt to take a third option.
    You still have the option to "exit the situation gracefully", and as far as saving face goes there's no loss of face to compensate for. There's a prior relationship with the person, so rejecting their offer (provided you aren't a jerk about it) isn't likely to affect their image of you at all. Meanwhile, the counter-offer creates an opportunity to go have dinner with a friend, which is generally something people find enjoyable.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    I'm reacting rather specifically to the idea of turning a proposal for a romantic date around into a counter proposal for the same thing stripped of its romance and with platonic nature soldered on.
    There is no "platonic nature soldered on". All "platonic nature" even is is the absence of romance within a friendship, and given that the friendship already exists, it's not like anything is being added. The friendship is remaining in its default state, and the part of the offer consistent with a friendship that isn't also a romance is being accepted.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Maybe I'm the weirdo here, but having a proposal for a romantic date get turned into a platonic friendspedition seems less a consolation prize, natural segue from turning a friend down, or any other positive or neutral spin that I can think of, and more undesirable and unnecessary, even trying to consider it as a way of driving the rejection home or reinforcing it on the part of the rejector or any other negative spin I can think of, though I admit, I can't think of any other negative interpretations offhand, which is most of why I find it weird rather than necessarily or probably actively rude or anything.
    Wow. "Consolation prize", really? Here's an alternate interpretation: A friend offers to a) go to dinner with you and b) initiate romantic relations with you. Both of these are things you can reasonably assume they would enjoy, and the first one is fine with you. So, you turn down just the second one.
    Last edited by Knaight; 2015-02-08 at 03:02 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    If the intention on the part of the solicitor is for the dinner to be a romantic dinner, but you are not interested in a romantic relationship; you politely decline.

    Doing otherwise just strikes me as fuzzily misleading and borderline exploitive. No matter how clear you are, if you go to that dinner, there is a high chance that doing so will cause feelings of confusion or even resentment in the person who asked you. At the least there will be some feelings of awkwardness. The person who asked the other out may even just be going through with it to be polite, having been notified there is no chance of the romantic relationship they had hoped for; and would rather move on.

    The bottom line is that no matter how good of friends they are, one party fundamentally thinks of the other differently than they do. You can't just pretend that doesn't exist. This is the exact type of behavior that drives people to threads like this one.
    Last edited by Crow; 2015-02-08 at 06:10 PM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    Wow. "Consolation prize", really? Here's an alternate interpretation: A friend offers to a) go to dinner with you and b) initiate romantic relations with you. Both of these are things you can reasonably assume they would enjoy, and the first one is fine with you. So, you turn down just the second one.
    The problem is that for a lot of people the two things are not readily separable, especially after having been explicitly packaged together in the initial suggestion. A person asking to go to dinner as a romantic date is usually offering to go to dinner in order to initiate romantic relations, not as a separate thing, and responding with a suggestion of dinner as just friends is replacing the original suggestion with something completely different (and simultaneously awkward due to superficial similarity), not declining part of a multipart offer.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    You still have the option to "exit the situation gracefully", and as far as saving face goes there's no loss of face to compensate for. There's a prior relationship with the person, so rejecting their offer (provided you aren't a jerk about it) isn't likely to affect their image of you at all.
    From my reading of women who complain of the girlfriend zone and of other posters who've discussed such things in the past, I would have to disagree with you there that there's no possible way to lose face by declining the counter-proposal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    Meanwhile, the counter-offer creates an opportunity to go have dinner with a friend, which is generally something people find enjoyable.
    Divorced from the context of just having been rejected by that self-same friend, certainly. You haven't really put forth why having just been rejected is completely irrelevant and should be disregarded, just that it should be. For some unspecified reason.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    There is no "platonic nature soldered on". All "platonic nature" even is is the absence of romance within a friendship, and given that the friendship already exists, it's not like anything is being added. The friendship is remaining in its default state, and the part of the offer consistent with a friendship that isn't also a romance is being accepted.
    The semantics aren't really integral to my point "with the romance filed off and the platonic nature of the nearly-identical counterproposal emphasized," if you'd prefer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    Wow. "Consolation prize", really?
    Yes, really. The strong language helps to underscore how this is something one didn't want (because if one wanted to go out on a friendly excursion for dinner, one could just ask) but is believed to be better than simply leaving things at rejecting the proposal, possibly out of some belief that dinner will partially mollify the rejected party.

    And remember, it's not the friendship which is the consolation prize here, but having a watered down version of one's proposed outing floated back to one's self.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knaight View Post
    Here's an alternate interpretation: A friend offers to a) go to dinner with you and b) initiate romantic relations with you. Both of these are things you can reasonably assume they would enjoy, and the first one is fine with you. So, you turn down just the second one.
    ...That's not really an alternative interpretation but more restating the situation from the apparent perspective of the rejector in this scenario. It still doesn't really shed any light on why they'd think like that or why you have the position that you do.

    It doesn't make sense why someone would say to themselves "Oh, this person wants to date me, but that's not important, I'll focus on how they wanted to go to dinner with me and offer to do that but no dating."

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    If the intention on the part of the solicitor is for the dinner to be a romantic dinner, but you are not interested in a romantic relationship; you politely decline.
    That was my understanding, certainly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    Doing otherwise just strikes me as fuzzily misleading and borderline exploitive. No matter how clear you are, if you go to that dinner, there is a high chance that doing so will cause feelings of confusion or even resentment in the person who asked you. At the least there will be some feelings of awkwardness. The person who asked the other out may even just be going through with it to be polite, having been notified there is no chance of the romantic relationship they had hoped for; and would rather move on.
    That's basically my line of thinking, though I'm more perplexed by the motives of the rejecting party than anything and any exploitation is probably more of the unconscious putting someone in a corner due to not having fully considered things variety rather than intentionally having laid a trap sort.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    The bottom line is that no matter how good of friends they are, one party fundamentally thinks of the other differently than they do. You can't just pretend that doesn't exist. This is the exact type of behavior that drives people to threads like this one.
    That too. I think, annoyingly enough, I've started to run into that with the girl who confessed her feelings to me and then woke me up just to reject me.

    "Oh, no, there's no need to discuss our intentions or desires or how to interact with one another moving forward from this point or even if we want anything to do with one another"

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