Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Lissou]

If you both have parents involved, maybe she figured you could go together, it makes sense to me. If you want to go, then go and don't worry about it. I doubt there is a weird ulterior motive behind it :)

[dehro]

Okay. The friend asked to go to a fair through a third party (my sister). I didn't here her ask me myself and am a little scared. I confirmed with my sister that it was an independent request not something she brought up because of my depression. Her family as a whole is friends with my family but I interact with her a bit less because she moved out from her family several years ago. The fair is something I already have tickets to but she probably has access because both of us had parents involved with the event.

Mostly I don't understand because I am somewhat isolated and don't really remember anyone asking to spend time with me in the past. So I have never really just hung out with anyone very much. I don't know why she would ask me to go anywhere. I am not interpreting this as romantic at the moment. Just friendship I guess.

Go for it. At best you'll have some good time with a friend who wants to get closer as a friend (or maybe more), at worst you'll do something you were going to do anyway, sharing the experience with someone you can relate to for having similar background and interests, which in 99% of the cases is better than doing the same thing alone.

[Serpentine]

I know I called online dating an "exercise in frustration" earlier but I may cave and give it another go. One problem being that there aren't really many photos of me. I don't take many myself and don't hang around with many people who do. I've scrounged a few up that show me in a few different lights but it's pretty sparse. In particular, I don't really have any photos of me just casually socialsing, goofing off etc. Any thoughts on if what's there'll be workable or should I try and get different ones?

Potential main picture.
Windsurfing action shot.
Another action shot, British Military Fitness compeition final.

I'm always for more photos, but these all look really good to me. Excellent start!

A friend of mine has asked to spend time with me. I don't understand. Any advice?

At a guess - and I realise I'm going out on a limb here, but hear me out - I'd say she probably wants to spend time with you. If you enjoy her company, I suggest taking her up on the offer.

[Grytorm]

At a guess - and I realise I'm going out on a limb here, but hear me out - I'd say she probably wants to spend time with you. If you enjoy her company, I suggest taking her up on the offer.

That never would have occurred to me.

Anyway. Thank you for advice which I didn't really need to ask for. But interacting with people is scary.

[Coidzor]

That never would have occurred to me.

Anyway. Thank you for advice which I didn't really need to ask for. But interacting with people is scary.

Well, you did ask.

Interaction tends to become less scary with practice. Especially if one is making a cognizant effort to practice.

[Hallavast]

Update to my story:

I'm recovering. They are on vacation, together. We're all still in touch, but I live 2000 miles away now.

Mornings are the hardest for me. I wake up from half-remembered dreams of going grocery shopping with her, or looking for a house with her. That's if I even sleep at all at night. Mornings are when I am at my weakest. I'm currently unemployed in a new city in a new state far from my familiar routine. This leaves me with a lot of free time. My best results in dealing with mornings are to find something physical to do like jogging and chores. I might pick up some roller-blades and tear up the streets around here.

The insomnia helped me get here in pretty good time. Arizona to Ohio with only a 3 hour nap in Amarillo, Texas is about 33 hours on the road. I listened to "Maps" by Maroon 5 on the radio a lot. It helped, and I feel I can relate to that song.

I've been talking to women online. 2 years ago I had a miserable experience with online dating, but now it seems very easy. I am chatting with half a dozen women, and one of them has expressed a romantic interest in me. I'm worried about how it will go. I crave female attention and affirmation, and I'm using it as a crutch to get me through my situation. It probably wouldn't be fair to pursue any relationship right now, because hearts tend to get broken when people aren't sure of what they want or what they're doing.

Regardless, I can't stay away. I'm diving in to another relationship. My eyes are open this time. I'm just afraid of someone getting attached to me when I don't know if that's what I want.

Advice?

[JabberwockySupafly]

Update to my story:

I'm recovering. They are on vacation, together. We're all still in touch, but I live 2000 miles away now.

Mornings are the hardest for me. I wake up from half-remembered dreams of going grocery shopping with her, or looking for a house with her. That's if I even sleep at all at night. Mornings are when I am at my weakest. I'm currently unemployed in a new city in a new state far from my familiar routine. This leaves me with a lot of free time. My best results in dealing with mornings are to find something physical to do like jogging and chores. I might pick up some roller-blades and tear up the streets around here.

The insomnia helped me get here in pretty good time. Arizona to Ohio with only a 3 hour nap in Amarillo, Texas is about 33 hours on the road. I listened to "Maps" by Maroon 5 on the radio a lot. It helped, and I feel I can relate to that song.

I've been talking to women online. 2 years ago I had a miserable experience with online dating, but now it seems very easy. I am chatting with half a dozen women, and one of them has expressed a romantic interest in me. I'm worried about how it will go. I crave female attention and affirmation, and I'm using it as a crutch to get me through my situation. It probably wouldn't be fair to pursue any relationship right now, because hearts tend to get broken when people aren't sure of what they want or what they're doing.

Regardless, I can't stay away. I'm diving in to another relationship. My eyes are open this time. I'm just afraid of someone getting attached to me when I don't know if that's what I want.

Advice?

Be careful and make sure that you're ready, that's the best advice I can give.

I went through a fairly hurtful break up about 5 months ago, not nearly as bad as yours by any means, but it still turned my world on it's head. Afterwards I wanted to just rush back in to dating because I felt so alone and that I couldn't function as an individual. Instead I went into therapy, focused on making new friends & reacquainting myself with my exisiting friends, worked on getting myself used to being Just Me, and remembered that I was able to live as a single human being before my ex-partner. For me it was the best choice I could have made. I ended up waiting, getting my life back together, and then I met this really cool chick who is about as close to my perfect match as I could hope to find at this point in my life. If things keep going well, I may end up in a good, healthy relationship.

I can't say you should do the same, or that the outcome will be the same, since each person 'heals' differently from a break up, but gauge yourself and make sure you're actually ready to pursue something romantically intense and not simply doing this because you don't like the feeling of being alone, or you need something to distract you from how you're feeling right now. That's not fair to you or the other person involved.

Look into getting a routine back in your life that revolves around you, and get comfortable being just you again. That is probably the most important thing you can do. For me it was doing my daily exercises, going to local gaming events, and walking my dogs. Find some local groups with interests the same as yours (If you're into table tops, roleplaying, etc. hobby shops are a great place to meet like-minded individuals, for instance) and get out of the house and socialise. Establishing a friendbase can make things a lot easier. I know you said you don't have a job right now and that can make things tough, but look into counselling or therapy. You're dealing with grief from loss right now, and that's not something to be tackled without some kind of support.

If you don't feel ready to be attached, be honest with the other party. You can still date, strike up a friendship, or be romantically involved with someone without it being a full on relationship.

Either way, I can only send you positive vibes and hope things go well for you. You're not alone on the heartbreak front, and things do get better.

[Grytorm]

Well I socialized with someone as I mentioned I would. It got described as a platonic date which I found odd. No intention of romantic intent was clear and I did not project any romantic interest on her because of my desire for companionship which was good. It went okay but there wasn't that much to do so we looked at some animals I had already looked at. Unfortunately another one of her friends ended up going along which made it a bit hard to talk and I mostly talked about some trivia from the sidelines.

[rogueboy]

Aaaaaaaand.... I chickened out Hung out with A this afternoon, despite her being sick (I asked her if she was feeling up to it or wanted to postpone, she suggested both today and next week), and failed to ask her if she was interested in putting some kind of definition to the relationship (not necessarily GF/BF, more "dating" vs "chatting"). So now I'm left with a few options...

1) Send her a text tomorrow, trying to get to the point within 1-2 SMS's.
2) Send her a text early next week (as above, but prevents the potential awkwardness of the next time seeing each other being in a group, which is all but guaranteed at this point).
3) Phone call; has the advantage of being preferable to text, the disadvantages are that we haven't done anything over voice (texting a TON, however, daily) and that I'm more likely to stumble over myself and make things awkward.
4) Somehow force myself to actually say something next time we're 1-on-1. The best choice for format, but worst for actually making it happen.

I'm leaning towards 1 or 2 at the moment. And we're unlikely to be able to do a lot of texting between now and Sunday (when we'll see each other, but in a group), so I have no idea how much joint processing there would be. But I may well just be making excuses for myself.

Anyone have thoughts, or ways to motivate myself to just speak up already? I need the latter in a lot of cases, really, this is just the most recent and relevant.

[Arutema]

So I have a question that's perhaps more about the grieving process than relationships.

After a 30+ year life of bad dates and often silent rejection, mixed in with one long-distance relationship that turned out to be a horrible lie...

How do I accept that I'm simply not capable of a relationship due in part to my unattractiveness, but mostly my myriad personality flaws? How do I accept that certain emotional desired are just going to remain unfulfilled?

Preferably in a semi-constructive manner that doesn't involve injury to anyone.

You don't. I know it's hard not to lose hope, I know it's painful feeling that way, but no matter how much it might seem otherwise, you still have a chance, and always will. If you feel that your flaws are holding you back, then do your best to move past them and not let them control your life, but remember that you'll never be perfect, and no-one expects you to be. The only thing that can completely destroy any chance you have of finding someone is giving up.

Why? No one's dead yet.

Everyone has flaws. Most people I've met in my lifetime are accepting of the flaws of others. Otherwise no one would have friends, no one would have romantic relationships, no one would get married.

Are you assuming that your 'myriad personality flaws' are to blame?
Are you assuming that these flaws are unworkable?
Your perspective on this is important.

Let me take a moment to go into these flaws for a bit; I can barely guess a person's emotional state from expression, and only sometimes from vocal cues. I can barely recognize faces as well. Those who do know me have said I'm probably an aspie or high-functiionign autistic, and I can't really dispute those claims. That's kind of hard to just "move past."

Thus I am here, not asking how I can have a relationship despite this, but asking how to cope with the permanent lack of one.

[dehro]

Let me take a moment to go into these flaws for a bit; I can barely guess a person's emotional state from expression, and only sometimes from vocal cues. I can barely recognize faces as well. Those who do know me have said I'm probably an aspie or high-functiionign autistic, and I can't really dispute those claims. That's kind of hard to just "move past."

Thus I am here, not asking how I can have a relationship despite this, but asking how to cope with the permanent lack of one.

You might want to investigate those claims instead of brushing them aside/aknowledging them if you think they have merit. If it turns out they are right, there must be things you can do about it can do about them that have a positive impact on your dating life... Before giving up altogether, that is.

[Form]

Aaaaaaaand.... I chickened out Hung out with A this afternoon, despite her being sick (I asked her if she was feeling up to it or wanted to postpone, she suggested both today and next week), and failed to ask her if she was interested in putting some kind of definition to the relationship (not necessarily GF/BF, more "dating" vs "chatting"). So now I'm left with a few options...

1) Send her a text tomorrow, trying to get to the point within 1-2 SMS's.
2) Send her a text early next week (as above, but prevents the potential awkwardness of the next time seeing each other being in a group, which is all but guaranteed at this point).
3) Phone call; has the advantage of being preferable to text, the disadvantages are that we haven't done anything over voice (texting a TON, however, daily) and that I'm more likely to stumble over myself and make things awkward.
4) Somehow force myself to actually say something next time we're 1-on-1. The best choice for format, but worst for actually making it happen.

In regards to 3: Do you actually think you'll stumble over yourself or is that just the nervosity talking? 'cause I suspect the latter. Anyway, I think discussing something like this in person is the best way to go about it, awkwardness be damned. Awkwardness can't hurt you anyway and I'm going to assume you can talk about this without doing/saying something really inappropriate. You'll live. Just try to be fairly casual about it.

I'm leaning towards 1 or 2 at the moment. And we're unlikely to be able to do a lot of texting between now and Sunday (when we'll see each other, but in a group), so I have no idea how much joint processing there would be. But I may well just be making excuses for myself.

Anyone have thoughts, or ways to motivate myself to just speak up already? I need the latter in a lot of cases, really, this is just the most recent and relevant.

Just go with 4, though I wouldn't think of it as 'forcing' yourself to say something. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or get worked up about it. As for motivation, well, you'll just have to do it without putting too much thought into it. Useless advice maybe, but you'll never get used to this if you always chicken out.

[rogueboy]

In regards to 3: Do you actually think you'll stumble over yourself or is that just the nervosity talking? 'cause I suspect the latter.

It's a lot of the latter, and a bit of knowing that I'll probably say something in a not-quite-ideal way, which I hate doing. More of a personal dislike than an actual problem; after all (and this is me telling myself as much as anything), I have no issues with public speaking, succeeded at my pharmacy interview earlier this year (yay 3-on-1!), and it's always been comfortable talking with her.

Anyway, I think discussing something like this in person is the best way to go about it, awkwardness be damned. Awkwardness can't hurt you anyway and I'm going to assume you can talk about this without doing/saying something really inappropriate. You'll live. Just try to be fairly casual about it.

You're probably right. On all points.

Just go with 4, though I wouldn't think of it as 'forcing' yourself to say something. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or get worked up about it. As for motivation, well, you'll just have to do it without putting too much thought into it. Useless advice maybe, but you'll never get used to this if you always chicken out.

It's less forcing myself to say something and more not chickening out again. And it probably needs to be something I open with, because otherwise I'm liable to do the same thing I did yesterday - look for the "perfect" lead-in, and then discount all the decent lead-ins as not being good enough. Stupid brain, getting in the way...

[Crow]

Let me take a moment to go into these flaws for a bit; I can barely guess a person's emotional state from expression, and only sometimes from vocal cues. I can barely recognize faces as well. Those who do know me have said I'm probably an aspie or high-functiionign autistic, and I can't really dispute those claims. That's kind of hard to just "move past."

Thus I am here, not asking how I can have a relationship despite this, but asking how to cope with the permanent lack of one.

You are who you are, and unless you can make an effort to improve these things that you cite as flaws, nothing will change.

However I disagree with the person above who says that giving up will destroy your chances of finding someone. I also believe that in this lies the best advice on how to "cope" with this. Every *good* relationship I have been in was one that I stumbled into while trying *not* to find someone. Being fine and confident in yourself, especially when you're alone is very attractive. So is self-improvement. Nobody wants to attach themselves to somebody who's well-being and self-worth are going to be dependant upon them being around. Well, some might, but those relationships generally don't end well. If you know the things that are holding you back, then it is time to resolve those issues.

If you really think you may have a medical condition, go and find out for sure. Even if you do, it doesn't mean you have to accept failure in *anything*. Once you identify the problem, you can start to take steps to minimize or move past it.

[rs2excelsior]

It's less forcing myself to say something and more not chickening out again. And it probably needs to be something I open with, because otherwise I'm liable to do the same thing I did yesterday - look for the "perfect" lead-in, and then discount all the decent lead-ins as not being good enough. Stupid brain, getting in the way...

Here's what I do in these situations. I'm really bad at thinking on my feet, so I'll ask a question that would be hard to back out of--say, ask what she's doing on a certain day. I can't think of an excuse as to why I asked, so I just bite the bullet and do it.

May or may not work for anyone else, feel free to take it or leave it.

[Serpentine]

Inability, or lowered ability, to recognise faces is a known medical condition. Worth looking into it if you think you've got it. And, btw, it doesn't actually make someone completely incapable of obtaining romantic relationships.

[Aedilred]

I have a birthday party dilemma. My (significant number) birthday is in about ten days, midweek so I can't really do anything on the day; I've been thinking about doing something the next weekend. But various factors have combined to cause a critical absence of planning and now I don't know what to do. The best thing to have done would probably be to hire somewhere, but I don't have much (any) serious cash for that sort of thing. It's now such short notice I couldn't do that anyway, and I know fewer people will be able to come than might otherwise have done.

I have also had issues with combining groups of friends in the past (one group specifically with the rest of them) and don't know if I want to run the risk of doing so again. On the other hand, given I'm unlikely to get married any time soon, a big party event for a "significant" birthday is probably the last good opportunity for the foreseeable future to invite and re-establish contact with people who I haven't seen in ages and otherwise probably wouldn't see again.

My current thoughts on options are:
1. Do nothing (lame.)
2. Have a picnic somewhere in one of the many parks around town. (If it's a nice day the park is likely to be rammed, and if it isn't it's not feasible in the first place. Also, practical concerns with drinking all day given the likely absence of ready toilet facilities.)
3. Do something at my house. (Would need to clear this with housemates and would be difficult not to invite them (as I'd rather one of them wasn't there, ideally). Various practical issues, like space, cleaning, etc.)
4. Wait until September when another friend of mine with a similarly-timed birthday returns from overseas and do something jointly with him. (Have had bad experiences with delaying birthday parties in the past).
5. Have no sizeable party at all, but see groups of friends individually (time-consuming, probably more expensive, and some people are probably less likely to come to small gatherings than big ones).

Knowing that none of the available options is what I'd ideally like to do isn't helping me make my mind up. I enjoy throwing parties, have a reasonable reputation for holding good ones, and don't want to host a mediocre event. The longer the indecision goes on, the more frustrated with it I get, and the more likely the party is to be mediocre/not happen, which feeds back into the indecision and... yeah.

[Knaight]

Let me take a moment to go into these flaws for a bit; I can barely guess a person's emotional state from expression, and only sometimes from vocal cues. I can barely recognize faces as well. Those who do know me have said I'm probably an aspie or high-functiionign autistic, and I can't really dispute those claims. That's kind of hard to just "move past."

Thus I am here, not asking how I can have a relationship despite this, but asking how to cope with the permanent lack of one.

I'm not seeing anything there that would actually prevent a relationship. Plenty of people who are low-functioning autistic still manage to date. Not being able to tell emotional state easily is an obstacle, but everyone has obstacles of some sort, and that one isn't actually all that hard to work around in the context of a relationship - it requires communication, but functional relationships need communication regardless. Facial recognition isn't even an issue romantically. At most it will screen out the people who would have some issue with it, and good riddance to them.

[Serpentine]

I'm personally a big fan of picnics, or (depending on the average wealth of your friends) going out to a decent-to-nice restaurant could be good too. I think either could be good for a last minute big gathering. Or minigolf. Minigolf is always a good choice. Minigolf and then dinner...

[Coidzor]

Indeed, for all its cheeziness, Minigolf gives you something to do with your hands, potential for conversation and one-on-one interactions(in fact, it positively demands it, as minigolf is far too boring otherwise), and an opportunity to show off in petty ways to impress a potential mate.

Or the opportunity to show a level head by being able to deal with setbacks as they arise from the slings and arrows of outrageous windmills.

[rs2excelsior]

Or the opportunity to show a level head by being able to deal with setbacks as they arise from the slings and arrows of outrageous windmills.

"To putt, or not to putt, that is the question--
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous windmills,
Or to take arms against a putting green of troubles,
And by storming off end them?"

[dehro]

that may be the oddest crossover yet.. Don Quixote and Hamlet..

[Stadge]

Not sure if this is the right ‘woes’ place for this, but it does involve romantic feelings to an extent so it may be best.

Run down- Reconnected in January with an old friend that I hadn’t seen for three years, and even before then hadn’t been that close to. We hung out an awful lot, just the two of us for the most part and well, same clichéd old story, a while back (late May maybe) I realised my feelings for her were shifting.
Didn’t know what to do, knew we got along very well, but wasn’t sure if anything more than friendship on her part. I was debating what to do about this when, just before she went to Paris for three weeks, she offered me the third room in the flat her and a mutual friend would be getting. This was over the phone, so I stalled, mentioning the fact that I hadn’t seen it yet (which was true). The contract of my current rental place didn’t end til two months after their move in date- but they said they were happy to get someone in for 6 weeks.

I didn’t feel like I could in good conscience take up the offer without her knowing the full situation- for both our sakes. It had already been planned that I was visiting her whilst she was in Paris (again her offer), so I planned to explain whilst there- so that she had plenty of time to find a new person for the room on a full-term basis
Anyway- the air was cleared whilst I was there, turns out she did have an idea of it, but not enough to know, and that the feeling unfortunately wasn’t mutual. She also said that if I thought I’d be ok to live there by October- the offer of the room was still there.
Had a great few days in Paris after that and all seems to be fine between us, and honestly, whilst not the ideal outcome for me, it did feel as though a weight had been lifted now everything was in the open. Also a huge relief that she’s still alright with me.

Now- Everyone is back in Londinium, we’ve continued to hang out and things are pretty much as they were before all this mess. Truth, I’m not entirely in the clear-yet emotions wise, but I’m working at it, and it helps now that I know it’s not mutual.

She’s still keen to have me take the room, but I need to give an answer soon and I guess that’s the big question. I’ve seen it now, it’s a little small, but I’ve lived in smaller, has a nice kitchen, balcony and is in the perfect location for me,. The rent is also fairly low (for London) and the landlord is her dad- who I’ve met and get along with and because his daughter is there, is unlikely to let problems be ignored. It also solves many problems of having to find a place, go through the whole being-interviewed-by-flatmates process and I know I do get along very well with the people in the flat.
But I guess the question is if I can fully clear my head by early-mid October, I’d like to think I can, but it’s hard to know for sure.
Has anyone else been in this situation/have any advice?

Cheers guys

[dehro]

I have not had the dubious pleasure of living that situation. That said, I'd take the room, with an eye open for alternative housing in the mid-long term, should things not work out on the emotional front.
Just don't do it if you have a feeling that the real reason you're doing it is because you secretly hope closeness will change her feelings.
If, all the positives (and they are many) of this rental aside, that is the real reason, then you're setting yourself up for heartache. After all, what is to stop her having a date or a friend over for the night? you'd have front row tickets to it.

[Form]

Has anyone else been in this situation/have any advice?

I would not put myself in that situation if I were you. It has so much potential for a lot of heartache, especially when she starts having over boyfriends/romantic interests/friends with benefits and you can pretty much expect that to happen sooner or later. You may very well receive an unpleasant reminder that you haven't moved past the rejection after all, even though you thought you did.

Unless you desperately need a place to live and have no viable alternatives, I just wouldn't do it.

[Knaight]

The situation sounds fine to me, honestly. You're actually friends, you get along fairly well, and you just need the emotional maturity to handle the situation - your post seems to indicate that you have it.

[Knaight]

My advice really depends on what you want out of things. The romantic relationship is gone, and I don't recommend trying to bring it back - that will only end in tears. If you don't want to preserve the friendship send one message that unambiguously says you want to cut contact. Then, cut contact, don't respond to any contact attempts, etc. If you do want to preserve the friendship, send a message to the effect of wanting to get some space for a while, let the relationship get a little more firmly in the past, then try to rekindle things. I'd recommend an actual date for this, as it comes across as a soft no otherwise - "give it a few months and see about getting back together in January" is a very different thing than "eventually, at some point".

[dehro]

I would suggest you try to move on from him. When you feel lonely find a good friend or two to hang out with, go watch a movie or to a gig with them or do simpler things, as long as it takes your mind off things, hang out with your family, generally speaking don't be alone if you can help it. Sulking isn't going to do you any good. Ignore further contacts from him until he gets the message that you're trying to put things behind you. He'll back off eventually.

[razovor]

Hewwo.

Can I have advice for trying to develop a relationship, when I'm super-anxious, and the other person is also super-anxious?

I really really care about them, and like spending time with them, and when we're also with the people she's known for a long time, we have lots of fun.

We've talked a bit about doing things with just the two of us, but one or both of us will get super-anxious, and it won't happen, and we won't talk about it for a while.

She briefly talked about visiting me over the summer, and when I raised it again a couple months later, she simply didn't respond. Then we just carried on as if the conversation hadn't happened. :p

[dehro]

Hewwo.

Can I have advice for trying to develop a relationship, when I'm super-anxious, and the other person is also super-anxious?

admitting to one another that that's precisely the situation you're both in seems like a perfect first step. after that you'll probably make a lot more mistakes and will crap out of things out of anxiety, but as long as that first tennet is true and you remind each other of it on occasion, you'll get there eventually.