Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[FinnLassie]

I have a private teacher close to me, who is a native Brazilian, but he's expensive. I could go back to his classes, though, but he's going back to Brazil soon. There's no one here who is willing to talk to me and it seems that they have their own closed circuits. Have you ever considered that there might be people close to you who would be willing to pay you just to learn Finnish? (metal fans mostly) It's just that immigrants have their own little circles and outsiders are not welcomed...

There's a funny story behind the private teacher: his wife (a local woman) advertised herself as a Portuguese teacher, so I went to see her. I refused to speak any other language than Portuguese, and she wasn't able to keep up with me........ So she assigned her husband (the Brazilian) to teach me.... So you can see that it's a bit difficult, right?

An online community would be a good idea. It's something I could think about now that I have lost my #1 contact to the Portuguese language.

I actually had a couple of serious offers from two people who wanted to learn Finnish, and would have been willing to pay for the lessons, but I had no time. I probably would've done at least some basics with them, but here in Scotland my own Finnish skills have started to wilter...
My circles from immigrant circles are different, but that's probably mostly because I've not really met anyone Finnish here in Scotland apart from the Finn-Scot Facebook group. And most other foreigners I know have distanced themselves from their countrymen at uni... maybe that's why I met all those people. We are slowly slithering into the Scottish society, eating it from within... I mean, uh, heheh, hahahaha. *suspiciously eyes around*

You're in Finland atm, right? Have you thought about asking universities' international societies if they'd have anyone from Brazil, willing to be a Portuguese discussion partner? I'm not sure whereabouts you are, but if you're in say, Helsinki, Tampere, Oulu, Joensuu, Turku... You're more likely to find them.

But, yeah. I suggest you maybe find a Portuguese learners' group from FB if you're there, or maybe a forum dedicated to it. THE INTERNET IS WONDERFUL. ALL HEIL THE INTERNET.

[dehro]

In order to live and survive in Brazil, I need to learn the language. Additionally, it would be useful to have people there to welcome me with open arms, but I will concentrate on language here:
My ex-gf only wanted to speak in English, so it wasn't useful at all. It was even detrimental, to some extent, to speak a mishmash of Portuguese and English with an unforgivable amount of portuguesisms. Now that I had my first fully Portuguese relationship, I feel that I experienced a radical improvement in my command of Portuguese.

Right now you're giving the impression that you've pursued a relationship with a brazilian girl with the purpose of practicing Portuguese and that you improving your Portuguese was/is more important than being invested in your relationship.
could it be she's upset with you for treating her like a walking thesaurus (however rational or unrational and however accurate or inaccurate that may be)?
I like to think that that's not your intention at all, but it did come out that way.

Having a foreign-language gf in Skype talking with you every day is amazingly beneficial to your language skills. Of course I could talk with my Brazilian friends, but concentrating on one person is the same as always having the same teacher. With your friends it's like always having a different substitute teacher.

Yeah.. no, that's not how languages work.
If substitute teachers are able to pick up the classes and programme of the main teacher without interruption, they're in fact the best thing that can happen to you. I had an English teacher who sounded like she'd learned English in Scotland despite never having set foot there, because her teacher had learned it there (or because her teacher was from the south of Italy, which produces pretty much the same effect, accent-wise).
I spoke English reasonably well when I moved to England. Scrap that, false modesty doesn't help here.. I was pretty damn good. I still was unprepared for the variety of accents, dialects and what have you that I encountered and it took me a while to even understand some of them, let alone reproduce them, which is something I never learned to do in my 3 years there.

I have moved out of the country in 2010, 4 years ago -5 days. the reason my English is still fairly current is because I practice it here on the net, read English books, listen to English music and watch English movies.
Since you seem able to hold your own in generic conversation, I suggest you do the same and make lots of friends in Brazil without complicating the matter with love interests and LDRs. Once you actually move there you'll have a ton of friends/acquaintances and finding a girlfriend (on your own strength or through them) will be a piece of piss. Until then, search out forums that are exclusively in Portuguese, make some friends on them, pen palls/skype palls, and take it from there. watch Brazilian TV on streaming, play online games on brazilian servers.. etc etc.
The girlfriend thing is a nice bonus, if you get to see her on a semi-regular basis and she doesn't come with a whole bag of crazy, but if that's not the case, really, there are better ways for practicing langauge skills.

one thing I've encountered a few times is classes organised as happy hour in a bar, with conversations. every table has a conversation in a different language going, with one native speaker of that language who comes as tutor, conversation leader and so on.. it's usually rather cheap.. for a small fee you get a drink, a few snacks and the conversation. whatever else you order is on your tab.
try seeking out, or even organizing (the guy who told me about it was the "manager" of the whole thing and made a tiny extra income out of keeping the agendas, tabs on the native speakers and so on) something like that. Much cheaper than a private tutor, and probably more interesting.
P.S. you'll be forever associated with Colin Firth's character in Love actually, from now on.. at least in my mind.

[Knaight]

Even that, though, isn't, imo, a great reason to be so culturally selective in one's selection of partner. I mean, I love France; it has several fairly distinct cultures (no, really), a long history, I like and speak the language, and so on. But there seems a logical disconnexion between that and "I should find a French girlfriend". Expecting a partner to be a personal embodiment of everything you like about the place they're from not only seems unrealistic but also suggests that you're choosing them for what they are or where they're from rather than who they are, which is a terrible way to start a relationship. It also immediately excludes all sorts of people from other cultures who might well be more personally suitable.

I'm not saying that he should be so culturally selective, just that the "the booty" hypothesis is nonsense, and that reducing an entire country to "the booty" is somewhat dubious.

[Coidzor]

I'm not saying that he should be so culturally selective, just that the "the booty" hypothesis is nonsense, and that reducing an entire country to "the booty" is somewhat dubious.

I suppose I could've said it was due to falling into old patterns by online dating another brasilian ladyfriend.

[Jon_Dahl]

Coidzor, I already guessed that you said what you said because you were assuming that I'm after the "booty", thus questioning my motives, and not because you were creating stereotypes about Brazilian women. Even though I don't like reading that sort of stuff, I did understand your point.

It's true that they have the tendency to be voluptuous (Read Hour of the Star and the description of Glória), but this is not the reason I love them. Culture-wise, language-wise and physically there are many reasons I find myself attracted to them. Much more so then with any other nationality.

[Clarkson]

I've got a bit of a problem.

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For the past 6 years I've had feelings for a girl. Originally, I just dismissed it as a crush, and figured that I could wait it out. I still think of her though, and have decided to actually act since it's our senior year and I might never see her again once we graduate.

I'm fairly certain that I've had a class with her since she moved to the city, but have never wound up working on a group project or anything of the like with her. Also, when she first moved here I was just about the most socially awkward kid I knew of, so I never went up and talked to her.

Since I first met her I've hardly spoken to her. At the start of the school year, I resolved to at least become her friend, if not a romantic relationship. The issue is that no matter what I plan on saying, as soon as I see her, my confidence drops, and the extent of the conversation winds up being both of us saying "Hi". I then walk away, and start mentally lambasting myself for not saying or doing something remotely near what I had set out (Most of the time it's just saying "How are you ____?" and rolling from there, but I always panic, and just try to get away without putting my foot in my mouth).

I've given presentations to crowds of 50+ professionals, talked to companies and convinced them to give the organization I'm a part of upwards of thousands of dollars. I also have no issues communicating with other females, whether I know them or not. But whenever I'm in her vicinity all of the progress I've made towards not being the awkward kid in the back of class goes out the window.

I finally decided to come here, and because anything is better than not finding out (even rejection as a friend) since it would give me some closure.

[Crow]

That you may never see her again after you graduate is a great motivator.

Remind yourself that if things go really bad, you aren't going to need to worry about being embarassed around her for much longer anyways.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you don't make a move you virtually guarantee that you won't see her again. You obviously don't want that.

Basically in the grand scheme of things, what is the worst that can possibly happen? What is the best? Reality will usually fall somewhere in the middle; but if you have confidence and a good attitude, it comes out on the good side of things far more often than the bad.

Good luck! Remember that most people regret the things they *didn't* do.

[Aedilred]

Spoiler: Clarkson

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That sort of tongue-tying brainfreeze nonsense when a conversation is actually important (because you're keen the other party think well of you, whether in a professional, social or romantic context) is extremely common, which doesn't mean it's not really annoying. Even when you do come up with something witty and relevant to say, you're so pleased at having done so and eager to say it that it comes out as "wbleaaarbloobsalsathalat", they look confused, and then you get embarrassed at having made a fool of yourself anyway. I can't offer any great advice on how to get round it, either. Practising conversation on your own helps, but the brain is apt to betray you when it comes round to doing it for real.

If she is single and you are at least on polite-conversation terms, my advice would be just to steel yourself and ask her for coffee (or other similar socially-acceptable non-threatening private conversation in a public place as appropriate to your circumstances). If she says no, well, at least you have an answer there. If yes, then knowing she at least likes you enough to want to talk to you on your own - although don't draw any conclusions too deep from that alone - should hopefully be enough of a confidence-boost that when you actually get there you'll be able to talk more naturally. Of course, actually doing it is the really hard part, but unfortunately that's not something anyone can really help you with.

[dehro]

Catch her with a common friend. Say something to that common friend and then include her gradually in the conversation. Finally stear the conversation towards a social event or occurrence that includes both... Next time you'll have reason and less embarrassment to talk to her

[Asta Kask]

I've got a bit of a problem.

Spoiler

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For the past 6 years I've had feelings for a girl. Originally, I just dismissed it as a crush, and figured that I could wait it out. I still think of her though, and have decided to actually act since it's our senior year and I might never see her again once we graduate.

I'm fairly certain that I've had a class with her since she moved to the city, but have never wound up working on a group project or anything of the like with her. Also, when she first moved here I was just about the most socially awkward kid I knew of, so I never went up and talked to her.

Since I first met her I've hardly spoken to her. At the start of the school year, I resolved to at least become her friend, if not a romantic relationship. The issue is that no matter what I plan on saying, as soon as I see her, my confidence drops, and the extent of the conversation winds up being both of us saying "Hi". I then walk away, and start mentally lambasting myself for not saying or doing something remotely near what I had set out (Most of the time it's just saying "How are you ____?" and rolling from there, but I always panic, and just try to get away without putting my foot in my mouth).

I've given presentations to crowds of 50+ professionals, talked to companies and convinced them to give the organization I'm a part of upwards of thousands of dollars. I also have no issues communicating with other females, whether I know them or not. But whenever I'm in her vicinity all of the progress I've made towards not being the awkward kid in the back of class goes out the window.

I finally decided to come here, and because anything is better than not finding out (even rejection as a friend) since it would give me some closure.

Spoiler

Show

Write her. Explain that your tongue ties up itself and so you have chosen this way. Some may even find this endearing. If you want the personal touch, hand over the envelope in person.

[Chen]

Spoiler

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Write her. Explain that your tongue ties up itself and so you have chosen this way. Some may even find this endearing. If you want the personal touch, hand over the envelope in person.

Not sure why we're spoiling this since its just advice, but I don't know if this is a great idea. Yes some people will find it endearing, but the majority will likely not. It shows a lack of confidence and that's generally not a good thing. Now if you know more about this person and think she would find it endearing (or at least not find it off-putting) then fine. But going in blind so to speak I don't think this is a great idea.

The fact that you've known this person for pretty much all of high school but haven't really been a friend or even really acquaintance probably means the only real shot here is to just straight out ask her out for something (coffee, movie etc), as people have been saying. Trying to become friends with someone just so that you can eventually work towards a romantic relationship is not usually a good idea. People can misread intentions and then you have one person who wants to be a friend and the other who wants something more, and both people not realizing what the other is thinking. Avoid this by being clear about it.

[Asta Kask]

Not sure why we're spoiling this since its just advice, but I don't know if this is a great idea. Yes some people will find it endearing, but the majority will likely not. It shows a lack of confidence and that's generally not a good thing. Now if you know more about this person and think she would find it endearing (or at least not find it off-putting) then fine. But going in blind so to speak I don't think this is a great idea.

I saw the question spoiled and so I spoiled the answer.

[rogueboy]

Basically in the grand scheme of things, what is the worst that can possibly happen? What is the best? Reality will usually fall somewhere in the middle; but if you have confidence and a good attitude, it comes out on the good side of things far more often than the bad.

Somewhat tangential to the original question, but this caught my eye. Mostly because it's something that I have a REALLY hard time working with effectively. Specifically, I am typically able to identify the potential outcomes (in broad strokes, if not exact details) without going too far into hypothetical-land ("successfully dating" being the high end, not "married with 3 kids and..."), and assign approximate probabilities to those (likely, unlikely, very unlikely, and "I'm more likely to kill myself with the gun I don't have and never will than this happening" - not sure why I went that morbid, my brain is weird). However, when I actually wind up needing to act on things and force one of those outcomes, the super terribly bad thing that will never happen winds up getting as much "air-time" in my brain as the super awesome, reasonably likely outcome. Or even the combination of outcomes that cover everything else, and consist of, at worst, temporary disappointment and potential for short-lived awkwardness.

Not really sure what my point is with that, but there it is. One of my biggest relationship hurdles, and one that I have no idea how to deal with. And before it's suggested, I am aware that a counselor can help, and have a postponed appointment with one in the morning.

[tgva8889]

I just wanted to come in here and say that I am appreciative of this thread and all the advice I've gotten from it. I learned a lot from all the conversations I've had here and finally figured myself out enough to have good, stable relationships. Just wanted to say thank you.

[Ursus the Grim]

Maybe you guys just need to start dating again. Date night is really good for marriages.

We would go out at least once a week. Apparently the dinner/movie/bookstore trips weren't really keeping us together. Its beyond salvage, I think.

Yes, you can get over a marriage. I got over an 18-year marriage, and am now happily married to my second wife. I have no idea how. As they said in Shakespeare in Love, "It's a mystery."

Never go into a relationship expecting it to fail. That's not your responsibility. Your job is to focus on making it work.

I'm glad to hear it. Part of my problem I think, is that I have not seen a single marriage in my family 'work'. My father is on his fourth wife. I don't speak to my mother but she is on her second. All my in-laws are divorced. Its really hard not to get cynical.

I'm glad to hear that you can find happiness afterwards.

Current state of affairs?

She's spent the last week visiting family. We haven't spoken in six days. I'm uncomfortable because I don't know how much she wants to talk to me. I've tried to be friendly and conversational, but I haven't had a lot of response. I think she's still working out her feelings, but I'm not sure because evidently she's a few weeks ahead of me in the whole process.

I was a little hurt to find an easy answer to the 'ring dilemma'. She took hers off at some point without me realizing until one night at dinner with her family. I don't resent it on its own merit, but I am a little upset by the idea that she beat me to it.

The stress has definitely taken a toll on me. I've been legitimately sick for the last week or so. Fever, cough, hoarseness. Managed to burn all my sick days because I do a lot of heavy, one on one customer interaction and I can't be hacking up a lung for those. My performance metrics have taken a turn for the worse, and I've never been particularly good at my job from a sales standpoint. I'm on thin ice, and honestly, I hate it. I work it because I can't pay the bills without it. But there's a lot of at-home work, and a lot of rough hours, and its all kind of snowballing with the illness and the personal stress. When I get home I need to blow off some steam and escape into my hobbies, but that only makes things worse.

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking about what I want from a relationship in the future. I don't know that I want a mate. Just a companion for the long haul. I can't be left alone with my thoughts - I get too lonely and destructive. I don't know that I need 'love' in the traditional, marriage sense, but I need a really good friend to be at my side. Is there such a thing, or shall I always be bound to my. . . spousal obligations. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sex if, uh, I'm warmed up for it. Its just not as much of a motivator as I would expect it to be at my age. In fact, its not a motivator at all.

I've actually had my blood tested for those hormone levels, but I'm pretty sure its a psychological thing. *shrug*

Anyway, just figured I owed some followup to those who gave advice and input.

[Lonely Tylenol]

I don't like to cuddle, or be held, during sleep.

My girlfriend and I sleep in the same bed, and she likes to cuddle and wrap an arm/leg around me, etc., but for the most part this just makes me uncomfortably hot and sort of uncomfortable in general. I would rather sleep in the fetal position, facing away from her (specifically, toward the monitor; I cannot sleep unless I am watching something in the doing. No, not even then). I've expressed that this general quality of my sleep pattern has existed longer than our relationship, that I am a creature of habit, and that it just gets too stuffy to sleep when we're pulled close together, and she has accepted that without a fight and is generally (when conscious) accommodating of my need for space. Still, I worry that I'm being really selfish about this, even though we cuddle when we are both wide awake.

Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to cuddle during sleep?

[Ursus the Grim]

I don't like to cuddle, or be held, during sleep.

My girlfriend and I sleep in the same bed, and she likes to cuddle and wrap an arm/leg around me, etc., but for the most part this just makes me uncomfortably hot and sort of uncomfortable in general. I would rather sleep in the fetal position, facing away from her (specifically, toward the monitor; I cannot sleep unless I am watching something in the doing. No, not even then). I've expressed that this general quality of my sleep pattern has existed longer than our relationship, that I am a creature of habit, and that it just gets too stuffy to sleep when we're pulled close together, and she has accepted that without a fight and is generally (when conscious) accommodating of my need for space. Still, I worry that I'm being really selfish about this, even though we cuddle when we are both wide awake.

Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to cuddle during sleep?

Well, considering where I am right now, I don't know that you'd want to hear this from me, but I don't think its a problem.

The wife wasn't upset by our similar arrangement. Cuddle when awake, but roll over and face away when going to sleep. Its not selfish if you can't sleep when smothered. Just don't be rude about it.

[Crow]

Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to cuddle during sleep?

"Oh my god it's hot. Is she asleep yet? Please be asleep. Ok I think she's asleep, I'm going to try to make my move."

*Tries pulling away to sleep on the 6 inches of matress left at the edge of the bed. Girlfriend squeezes on tighter.*

"Crap!"

[Lonely Tylenol]

"Oh my god it's hot. Is she asleep yet? Please be asleep. Ok I think she's asleep, I'm going to try to make my move."

*Tries pulling away to sleep on the 6 inches of matress left at the edge of the bed. Girlfriend squeezes on tighter.*

"Crap!"

Oh my god this. I keep on moving closer and closer to the bed and she keeps snuggling up closer. Before I know it I've got an arm and a leg hanging off the bed, and just when I think I've gotten comfortable... She pulls herself close to me.

She has been nothing but accommodating while awake and we situate ourselves, but as soon as she falls asleep, all bets are off. She can't control herself. ...Probably because of the whole... You know... "Being asleep" thing. But still.

Relevant memories.

[dehro]

Oh my god this. I keep on moving closer and closer to the bed and she keeps snuggling up closer. Before I know it I've got an arm and a leg hanging off the bed, and just when I think I've gotten comfortable... She pulls herself close to me.

She has been nothing but accommodating while awake and we situate ourselves, but as soon as she falls asleep, all bets are off. She can't control herself. ...Probably because of the whole... You know... "Being asleep" thing. But still.

Relevant memories.

solution is simple.. fall asleep before her, don't wake up until morning.

[Aedilred]

solution is simple.. fall asleep before her, don't wake up until morning.

One of those simple solutions that isn't actually a solution at all, because it's hard to do by design and if it were happening already there wouldn't be a problem. It also assumes she doesn't wake him up when she moves closer to him anyway.

[dehro]

One of those simple solutions that isn't actually a solution at all, because it's hard to do by design and if it were happening already there wouldn't be a problem. It also assumes she doesn't wake him up when she moves closer to him anyway.

I wasn't being serious, lol

[Coidzor]

Y'know, I can't remember, are anniversaries one of those things you're supposed to give thoughtless, half-hearted congratulations to people for, like we do for birthdays and successful childbirths and graduations?

Obviously one does to some extent, arguably occasionally in thoughtful, full-hearted ways, when it's one's own anniversaries, what I can't recollect here is the anniversaries of family, best friends, friends, and (closer?) acquaintances, respectively.

I don't like to cuddle, or be held, during sleep.

My girlfriend and I sleep in the same bed, and she likes to cuddle and wrap an arm/leg around me, etc., but for the most part this just makes me uncomfortably hot and sort of uncomfortable in general. I would rather sleep in the fetal position, facing away from her (specifically, toward the monitor; I cannot sleep unless I am watching something in the doing. No, not even then). I've expressed that this general quality of my sleep pattern has existed longer than our relationship, that I am a creature of habit, and that it just gets too stuffy to sleep when we're pulled close together, and she has accepted that without a fight and is generally (when conscious) accommodating of my need for space. Still, I worry that I'm being really selfish about this, even though we cuddle when we are both wide awake.

Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to cuddle during sleep?

No, it makes you different from me and apparently different from her.

It is kinda worrisome that you've managed to develop the bad sleep habit of having to have a computer monitor or television turned on while you sleep though, and I'd recommend kicking that habit asap, though that's separate from the issue of discussion and working out a workable compromise between yourselves vis-a-vis spooning.

I suppose you could try having a buffer between you so her body heat isn't transferring directly onto you, like some sort of thin pillow between the two of you, or have less covers covering you, as part of dealing with the temperature component, at least.

[Aedilred]

Y'know, I can't remember, are anniversaries one of those things you're supposed to give thoughtless, half-hearted congratulations to people for, like we do for birthdays and successful childbirths and graduations?

Obviously one does to some extent, arguably occasionally in thoughtful, full-hearted ways, when it's one's own anniversaries, what I can't recollect here is the anniversaries of family, best friends, friends, and (closer?) acquaintances, respectively.

I don't believe there is a common standard. I have always been under the impression that anniversaries are essentially private affairs unless made otherwise (e.g. the couple throw a party to celebrate) and while if you happen to see them on an anniversary day you might congratulate them, nobody would blame you for not doing so, or expect you to go out of your way to do so. You wouldn't send a card unless it was a party.

But different people seem to have different expectations. For instance, my mum appears to have decided in recent years that my sister and I should also acknowledge and issue congratulations etc. on my parents' wedding anniversary. This started around the time of their silver anniversary but now seems to be expected every year. Both of us (my sister and I, that is) find this slightly baffling and borderline unreasonable, especially considering the amount of attention my mum already gets from us at that time of year (her birthday, anniversary, Mothering Sunday and Easter are very often within the same 30-day period) but it's not worth either the argument or the grief we'd get for not going along with it.

My dad doesn't seem to care.

My advice would seem to be to test the waters by congratulating them on the first anniversary or thereabouts and gauging their reaction. If they seem genuinely surprised then they probably won't expect you to do it again. If they react as if it's no more than should be expected, they'll expect it every year and you should eliminate them from your address book.

[dehro]

About anniversaries, what amuses meis how birthdays are celebrated in Holland. If your birthday is up, people will congratulate relatives of yours up to third or fourth degree of separation from yourself. My grandparents fully expect to be congratulated on the birthday of each of their grandchildren. For some reason I hqve alwasy found it very funny

[Aedilred]

About anniversaries, what amuses meis how birthdays are celebrated in Holland. If your birthday is up, people will congratulate relatives of yours up to third or fourth degree of separation from yourself. My grandparents fully expect to be congratulated on the birthday of each of their grandchildren. For some reason I hqve alwasy found it very funny

I guess it makes sense for the parents to be congratulated: they did all the work, after all.

[dehro]

I guess it makes sense for the parents to be congratulated: they did all the work, after all.

Not so much the sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles

[Aedilred]

Not so much the sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles

Depends on the family, I guess...

[TFT]

Hey, so I have a situation I've never really dealt with before, and wanted to get some outside perspective:

Spoiler: Issue

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I have a friend from college, and we've been hanging out intermittently for the last few years (We had classes together for a couple of years and then just random lunches for the next couple). I'd always kind of been interested in her, but never really thought to see if she was interested until recently because I knew a couple of years back she had a boyfriend and just recently found out she was single. I kind of spur of the moment asked her out after getting lunch with her today because it was actually a really fun time, but what I didn't realize was that she had just broken up with that boyfriend (of three and a half years) only a month ago. She ended up telling me she wasn't ready for a relationship so soon after and left because she had to get to class (We were walking to her class after lunch and I asked right before she was going to walk in). I really haven't been in this kind of situation before so I'm a little confused as to how to both read that response as well as keep things from getting awkward for the friendship.

I have 2 main questions:
1. How do I make sure things won't be completely awkward the next time I hang out with her? I'm thinking about just not bringing it up unless she does but if addressing it would be better in the long term I'd much rather do that. I really just don't want the friendship to be ruined because of my asking her out.
2. She didn't hint or say either way whether or not she would be interested in dating in the future, only the exact thing that she had a nasty breakup and was still dealing with that. I'm obviously going to respect the fact that she's dealing with that sort of thing and not bring it up in the near future, but is that kind of gray area something I should ignore and let sort itself out naturally? I also could also just be misreading signals and that could just be her way of saying she's not interested. I don't know.

I know this is probably one of those things I should just not even worry about and let it sort itself out, but my brain isn't going to let the issue drop.

Thanks for any insight and advice.

[Zrak]

Not sure why we're spoiling this since its just advice, but I don't know if this is a great idea. Yes some people will find it endearing, but the majority will likely not. It shows a lack of confidence and that's generally not a good thing.

I never really understood the appeal of confidence. Most of the time, when I meet confident people, I find myself forcing a smile and talking to them the way I talk to little children when they tell me what their stuffed animal is saying.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sex if, uh, I'm warmed up for it. Its just not as much of a motivator as I would expect it to be at my age. In fact, its not a motivator at all.

I'm about your age and have for some years been generally apathetic about sex. It's kind of like re-reading an airport novel; it's not really a bad way to spend your time, but, c'mon, you already know what happens.