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  1. - Top - End - #31
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    This is awesome, you guys are better then a pro/con list.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xhosant View Post
    This is evil, evil GMing. Brilliant, good sir!

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  2. - Top - End - #32
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Asteron Questar View Post
    This is awesome, you guys are better then a pro/con list.
    I really wish we aren't at page two, because that is an awesome thread title!
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  3. - Top - End - #33
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    I really wish we aren't at page two, because that is an awesome thread title!
    I can change it.

    Valentin is gone anyway.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xhosant View Post
    This is evil, evil GMing. Brilliant, good sir!

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  4. - Top - End - #34
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I don't have good advice on whether or not you should break it off, but if you do break it off, you should obviously send a sarcastic variant on the traditional "we can still be friends" speech.

  5. - Top - End - #35
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    I don't have good advice on whether or not you should break it off, but if you do break it off, you should obviously send a sarcastic variant on the traditional "we can still be friends" speech.
    That is so mean. I love it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xhosant View Post
    This is evil, evil GMing. Brilliant, good sir!

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  6. - Top - End - #36
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    So I checked if my attempts at flirting were being received by asking the girl if she realized I had tried to flirt a few times. And yes she had realized. And she doesn't really care about it that much. Given that this is to my recollection the first time I have flirted with anyone it seems to be going well.
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  7. - Top - End - #37
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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well, I've done it. I've finally hit a low enough point that I've gone and made a profile on a dating site. OKCupid, to be specific. I've spend this evening starting to do some of the write-ups and answering questions.

    I'm wondering if anyone here with more experience in these matters would be willing to look over my profile and see if there's anything I need to fix.

    And yes, I know I need to find a better picture. It's just that I don't have many pictures of myself, and most of the ones I do have are of me in Confederate uniform (I'm a reenactor), which some people might take issue with if they didn't know me.

    (EDIT: should probably post my username on the site: r_l_snyder)

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    So I checked if my attempts at flirting were being received by asking the girl if she realized I had tried to flirt a few times. And yes she had realized. And she doesn't really care about it that much. Given that this is to my recollection the first time I have flirted with anyone it seems to be going well.
    Congrats! Hope it goes well!
    Last edited by rs2excelsior; 2014-02-22 at 12:23 AM.
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  8. - Top - End - #38
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I'll try to remember to have a look at your profile later.

  9. - Top - End - #39
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Dating sites have a much more positive social view now than they did in the early days of the internet. Certainly for those of us who are not confident enough to just walk up to someone in a bar or a night club, friendly chatting online is a much better way to break the ice.

    Hopefully I should have some news on that front myself soon.

  10. - Top - End - #40
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Dating sites have a much more positive social view now than they did in the early days of the internet. Certainly for those of us who are not confident enough to just walk up to someone in a bar or a night club, friendly chatting online is a much better way to break the ice.

    Hopefully I should have some news on that front myself soon.
    Yeah. I really don't get the "low point" part either. As for myself, I'm on there because I know literally no bi/gay girls irl, so online is my only chance in that regard outside of the bar scene (which I suck at).

    One might also be too busy to pick up new possibly-leading-to-dates-interests, too shy to do the bar thing, or just currently surrounded by coupled people. Or they may just like the low pressure aspect, the easy screening or whatever.

    There are so many good reasons to look online for love. The stigma is dumb and needs to die out asap.
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  11. - Top - End - #41
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by The Succubus View Post
    Dating sites have a much more positive social view now than they did in the early days of the internet. Certainly for those of us who are not confident enough to just walk up to someone in a bar or a night club, friendly chatting online is a much better way to break the ice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    Yeah. I really don't get the "low point" part either.
    I meant it as "my luck with meeting/dating people in real life has finally gotten abysmal enough that I think my only chance is trying online." Not that people who are on online dating sites suck.
    I'm playing Ironsworn, an RPG that you can run solo - and I'm putting the campaign up on GitP!

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  12. - Top - End - #42
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    I meant it as "my luck with meeting/dating people in real life has finally gotten abysmal enough that I think my only chance is trying online." Not that people who are on online dating sites suck.
    Oh. Gotta warn you then, dating sites are not really any easier than real life, especially for a straight guy (which I'm assuming you are - sorry if that's incorrect). Don't get your hopes up too high.


    Not necessarily only for you, but might be some useful thoughts on online dating in general:

    To put some numbers to the expectations... An average of one answer per ten-fifteen contact attempts is common. You can give yourself somewhat better odds (guides are everywhere on the internet), but online dating takes effort and time and general frustration. You need a thick skin and a solid-ish self-esteem to not get discouraged.
    It can be fun, and it can also be good training wheels for someone who is shy. But it's roughly as difficult as real life, without the soft cushion of people being nice to you.

    It's a little easier for queer people and women (I average out to seven unanswered messages per one answered). And there are outliers, and people get lucky, and training and better communication skills help everyone. So it's a far cry from hopeless - just like RL dating.

    The above is not to discourage anyone - like I said, it can also be a lot of fun if you can filter out the general frustration. But "online dating as a last resort" is kind of what I ranted against earlier. Because that's not really accurate or fair to online dating.


    A few scattered thoughts on your profile, rs2excelsior, from when I looked yesterday:
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    • Your picture looks fine to me. Good lighting and outdoors - definitely way above most other guys on that site. Just add one or two more, and you're set.
    • Go here: OKCupid Blog
    • The writing seemed a little... boring, I think? Lot of big words in your self-summary ("I study physics" should be enough to cover your education). You could also stand to add a few more choice details here and there. Your thoughts are everywhere, but where for example - planning world domination, figuring out the angle of raindrops, what? Why should people write you - if they love swapping Dr Who references, if they would love a hiking partner, if, after reading, they agree that you sound awesome? Anything is better than a vague "if you feel like it". Go through and see if you can un-vague your answers all around.
    • Go study your competition. Make a search for "guys looking for girls" (or whatever), just to see what other guys write and say and emphasize. It might give you a good idea or two.
    • Overall: It's an alright, inoffensive profile. There's nothing wrong with it, and the picture is good. But it needs a touchup to stand out.

      Good luck!
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  13. - Top - End - #43
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Okay, going through that profile:
    - Could use some more photos, but that first one isn't too bad.
    - Your opening is a little eh. Could use some more on the sort of person you are.
    - Give some information on what you're doing at college, and what you're hoping to do with it. Maybe any projects you have going on, as well.
    - Not much to comment on with the rest. Overall it's not bad, but could use a little bit... more, in general.
    - + Glass's stuff.
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2014-02-24 at 07:03 AM.

  14. - Top - End - #44
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    What do you guys think about a list of general tips for online dating in the first post?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xhosant View Post
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  15. - Top - End - #45
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Really should get around to updating my own profile at some point. >.>

    (need someone to take some nice piccies of me - I suck at selfies -.-)

  16. - Top - End - #46
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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    *helpful things*
    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    *more helpful things*
    Thanks, when I have some time I'll look back through it and see what I can do.
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  17. - Top - End - #47
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    So, question for y'all:

    I have a very good male friend. I was planning on staying with said male friend over the summer. I have been applying for jobs with that in mind, so it would be extremely difficult to change those plans at this point (and I can't afford his area by myself). Plus he wanted a petsitter for some travel over the summer.

    The trouble? He has a new girlfriend. Long-distance. And she just cannot get past the whole thing. Neither of us want to end the friendship or change too much of what we do. But at the same time - I do sort of understand how she's nervous, especially since there's a couple of things we have in common that she doesn't. Neither of us are remotely interested in each other that way (we lived together for over a year already, not long ago), but she's still upset and jealous.

    I feel like the new girlfriend is really trying to be ok with it, but she's still having a hard time. And I know she's had previous guys cheat on her, so it's hard for her to see such a relationship, especially as it's early on for them, and fully trust that there's nothing going on.

    Any advice as to what to do to calm jealousy? I mean...I'm not even straight, but I'm not sure how much that'll help in this case.
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  18. - Top - End - #48
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Other than make the relationship not be an LDR, go back in time and prevent her being cheated on, or cease to exist... No, probably not.

    It's the pessimist's view, but her even perceiving you attemping to allay her fears could just make things worse.
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  19. - Top - End - #49
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So, question for y'all:

    I have a very good male friend. I was planning on staying with said male friend over the summer. I have been applying for jobs with that in mind, so it would be extremely difficult to change those plans at this point (and I can't afford his area by myself). Plus he wanted a petsitter for some travel over the summer.

    The trouble? He has a new girlfriend. Long-distance. And she just cannot get past the whole thing. Neither of us want to end the friendship or change too much of what we do. But at the same time - I do sort of understand how she's nervous, especially since there's a couple of things we have in common that she doesn't. Neither of us are remotely interested in each other that way (we lived together for over a year already, not long ago), but she's still upset and jealous.

    I feel like the new girlfriend is really trying to be ok with it, but she's still having a hard time. And I know she's had previous guys cheat on her, so it's hard for her to see such a relationship, especially as it's early on for them, and fully trust that there's nothing going on.

    Any advice as to what to do to calm jealousy? I mean...I'm not even straight, but I'm not sure how much that'll help in this case.
    While I hate saying this in an advice thread, theres _probably_ really not much you can do. Jealousy and related feelings are something you cant control, its just there in the back of your head and makes you feel uncomfortable. I was cheated on years back and still catch myself immedeatly assuming the worst in even the most harmless of cases from time to time.

    The best advice I could offer is, that you could try to befriend her. In my case, it usually helps getting to know someone I have the greens at, since this potentially builds trust and counters the "What if..."-feeling a bit. If that works depends on her tough. Best of Luck!

    On a personal note, im thinking of hitting the Carneval over here in Switzerland next week, which would be my first time actually going out alone in years. Im having some doubts tough, while I enjoy the thought of a flirt and some actual female attention, I still live with my parents for money-reasons, and while this isnt a big deal over here with 21 (since you literally cant get anywhere in switzerland without completing an apprenticeship first), I still think its hideously unromantic to take a Lady home to your small room, in a house where your little Brother does bad Let's Plays only one door away. (I seriously cant see a woman NOT fleeing at the emre thought of that. It sounds pathetic.) So im thinking about scrapping the idea, and just accept that I will be single for at least another 2 years until I can afford a flat of my own.

    Still keen on getting hammered in a Hobo-Costume tough. Its Carneval after all.

  20. - Top - End - #50
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    You can always go to her place?
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  21. - Top - End - #51
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuebi View Post
    While I hate saying this in an advice thread, theres _probably_ really not much you can do. Jealousy and related feelings are something you cant control, its just there in the back of your head and makes you feel uncomfortable. I was cheated on years back and still catch myself immedeatly assuming the worst in even the most harmless of cases from time to time.

    The best advice I could offer is, that you could try to befriend her. In my case, it usually helps getting to know someone I have the greens at, since this potentially builds trust and counters the "What if..."-feeling a bit. If that works depends on her tough. Best of Luck!
    Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to be sympathetic. I understand that, at least to what she's familiar with, relationships like my friend and I have are unusual. And that it can be hard to see a long-standing, close friendship with another person of the opposite sex, who is in some sense being treated as more important than you (though understandably, simply based on time). And we're off-and-on roommates.
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  22. - Top - End - #52
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to be sympathetic. I understand that, at least to what she's familiar with, relationships like my friend and I have are unusual. And that it can be hard to see a long-standing, close friendship with another person of the opposite sex, who is in some sense being treated as more important than you (though understandably, simply based on time). And we're off-and-on roommates.
    Tbh, I have great respect for you for that. Sometimes when I reflect on past cases where I was the jealous one, I realise how incredibly silly it can be. And its probably very awkward for you, who isnt even interested in the Guy in question. Maybe she'll just take a while to accept it and move past the issue.

    You're actually being pretty cool about it, I met a LOT of people who just harp on stuff like this, instead of acknowledging it as an issue. Needless to say that just makes it worse.

  23. - Top - End - #53
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So, question for y'all:

    I have a very good male friend. I was planning on staying with said male friend over the summer. I have been applying for jobs with that in mind, so it would be extremely difficult to change those plans at this point (and I can't afford his area by myself). Plus he wanted a petsitter for some travel over the summer.

    The trouble? He has a new girlfriend. Long-distance. And she just cannot get past the whole thing. Neither of us want to end the friendship or change too much of what we do. But at the same time - I do sort of understand how she's nervous, especially since there's a couple of things we have in common that she doesn't. Neither of us are remotely interested in each other that way (we lived together for over a year already, not long ago), but she's still upset and jealous.

    I feel like the new girlfriend is really trying to be ok with it, but she's still having a hard time. And I know she's had previous guys cheat on her, so it's hard for her to see such a relationship, especially as it's early on for them, and fully trust that there's nothing going on.

    Any advice as to what to do to calm jealousy? I mean...I'm not even straight, but I'm not sure how much that'll help in this case.
    Have you tried talking to her about it directly? That could help - call her yourself, explain your relationship with the friend and your situation, and ask her directly what you or he could do to help allay her concerns. There's a not unreasonable chance that she could be aware that she's being silly, but mere self-awareness isn't always enough to stop feelings; do not tell her that she's being silly or unreasonable, but make it clear that you understand her concerns, and that you want to make sure she doesn't have any reason to worry.
    It's not so much about making sure she has no real reason to worry, as making sure she feels that she has no reason to worry. If that makes sense.
    In the end, though, there's only so much you can do, and there's a limit to the accommodations you can or should make *shrug*

  24. - Top - End - #54
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    So I tried asking the girl I am interested to lunch. It did not work out particularly well. But it wasn't a disaster. I am pretty certain that her response was intentionally vague, given that her answer was she usually didn't eat lunch out. Although she did say that she wouldn't mind spending more time with me after her class is over but before we have to go to the bus. I'm guessing that when she is vague she probably wants to not answer the question, maybe because she doesn't want to say no because she doesn't want it to be awkward or because she doesn't want to do anything resembling a date until we know each other better. It is possible that she is currently in the early flirtatious stage of a relationship with someone else before actual dating starts, mostly evidenced because someone gave her Valentines candy but it was apparently spare candy several weeks after Valentines day. But I did ask in the past if she actually has a boyfriend and she said no.

    Also this minor rejection seems too have put me in a pessimistic mood about my life and ability to make friends and have meaningful interactions with people. In groups of people I often feel like the third wheel. A big part of that is I often don't really effectively participate in the conversations of others.
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  25. - Top - End - #55
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    When people tell me that I don't look sad or depressed.
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  26. - Top - End - #56
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    So I tried asking the girl I am interested to lunch. It did not work out particularly well. But it wasn't a disaster. I am pretty certain that her response was intentionally vague, given that her answer was she usually didn't eat lunch out. Although she did say that she wouldn't mind spending more time with me after her class is over but before we have to go to the bus. I'm guessing that when she is vague she probably wants to not answer the question, maybe because she doesn't want to say no because she doesn't want it to be awkward or because she doesn't want to do anything resembling a date until we know each other better. It is possible that she is currently in the early flirtatious stage of a relationship with someone else before actual dating starts, mostly evidenced because someone gave her Valentines candy but it was apparently spare candy several weeks after Valentines day. But I did ask in the past if she actually has a boyfriend and she said no.
    For the record, if you ask someone out there are basically two things you should consider a "yes". Them actually saying "yes" (clearly) and them saying they're busy, but then offering a different day/time themselves (without your prompting). Pretty much anything else should be considered a "no".

    Did she offer the spending time with you after class instead of lunch, unprompted? There might be something there. If you had to bring something up to follow up with her "doesn't usually go out to lunch" thing, then I suspect it might just have been her trying not to hurt your feelings in rejecting you.

  27. - Top - End - #57
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So, question for y'all:

    I have a very good male friend. I was planning on staying with said male friend over the summer. I have been applying for jobs with that in mind, so it would be extremely difficult to change those plans at this point (and I can't afford his area by myself). Plus he wanted a petsitter for some travel over the summer.

    The trouble? He has a new girlfriend. Long-distance. And she just cannot get past the whole thing. Neither of us want to end the friendship or change too much of what we do. But at the same time - I do sort of understand how she's nervous, especially since there's a couple of things we have in common that she doesn't. Neither of us are remotely interested in each other that way (we lived together for over a year already, not long ago), but she's still upset and jealous.

    I feel like the new girlfriend is really trying to be ok with it, but she's still having a hard time. And I know she's had previous guys cheat on her, so it's hard for her to see such a relationship, especially as it's early on for them, and fully trust that there's nothing going on.

    Any advice as to what to do to calm jealousy? I mean...I'm not even straight, but I'm not sure how much that'll help in this case.
    Maybe not very practical, but if she really has a problem with the two of you housesharing, could you do a house-swap (as in, you stick to your original plans, but he goes to your place for the times he isn't travelling)? It's not ideal, and I imagine that both of you had been looking forward to spending time together, but at least it wouldn't put you in a bind regarding the summer jobs or risk friction in his relationship. Hopefully, she'll come around once she gets to know you better so you'll be able to hang out with your friend normally in the future.
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  28. - Top - End - #58
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    The disaster called "relationship" continues. I know that the only solution is to break up, but anyway I told my "girlfriend" yesterday that I'm going to take care of my father for now. He's partially invalid and needs my help during weekends. He basically has no one else to help him and while he's recovering, I'm not going to cross the Atlantic to visit Brazil. I asked her to wait for a few years (5) until I have helped my dad to recover. After that I could go and fight/live with her. I asked her to come to my country too, but she refused, because I have promised her to be with her in her country.

    This morning I checked my e-mail and this was waiting for me:
    Spoiler
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    You said you need 5 years. 5 more years...

    First I don't agree with any of that for BOTH of us know it's not right.

    So from now on you don't have any rights left any longer. Due to the humiliation, exposure, emotional and healthy problems you've caused me plus all the suffering and dellusion, you'll follow exactly as I say.

    Next year you're coming here during your vacations. You're gonna tell your father and do all the necessary things. You're gonna buy rings and bring them. You're gonna propose me in front of all my family and closest friends. We're gonna be engaged and you're assure me and them that you'll be here every year untill finally you move here or take me there with you. There will be plenty of witnesses.

    You're gonna quit this ****** game with me. This ****ty thing you're naming a date. From now on we're engaged.

    There will be NO MORE fake and lame excuses. You'll not hide of your responsibilities.

    You're not in the position of negotiating any longer. You've lost all your dencency, honour, respect and rights.

    You're gonna come here fix all things. Tudo. Tudo. TUDO.


    If you had the courage to tell me more 5 years you get courage to come here 5 years straight. No excuses, no focking mistakes.

    Enough with this ****** attitudes.

    I'm communicating everybody about our new arrangements since you need to take care of your father.

    Just be aware that it will not only me who will be sacrificed. You too with all the trips.

    You cannot deny me anything. I'm on my full rights.

    You're hiding behind your father or who knows what else or who else.

    You think you can use me, fool me, hurt me, dellude me, postpone me.

    Things are going to be on my way. No more **** from you. No more desrespect, no more ****** behavior.

    You owe me muito. You better believe me.

    You will not scape your responsibilities.

    Be ready to fix, retreat yourself to everybody.


    I'm just really tired that I will have to fight with her this evening and for weeks now. It's hard to leave her because then I will be bombarded with calls, SMS and e-mails all day long until I come back.

    I'd appreciate help: what to reply to this e-mail so that I could have peace?

    P.S. I know it's not noble to copy+paste e-mails, but right now I don't care. I'd appreciate if you didn't quote this post, though...

  29. - Top - End - #59
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Philemonite's Avatar

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    Mar 2013
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Please, please, please stop any contact with her. Do not answer her, except maybe a simple "I'm done".

    Change your phone number, change your address and never contact her again.

    She has severe mental issues, and you are not her therapist. I am sorry you are in this situation, and I can see that you are sensitive to conflict, but you can not continue this relationship.

    I will repeat what I already said, get out, get out, get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Here is my suggestion for an answer:

    I am sorry that you feel the need to order me to propose you. I am sorry that you feel the need to insult me so much. I am sorry that you don't trust me. I am sorry about everything bad in our relationship, but this only proves that we are not compatible. I am not what you need, and you can't deny that. You require a lot more than I can offer, and unfortunately I am not in a position to change.

    That's basis, expand on it as you see fit.

    If you send her that, and she responds with insults she should bludgeoned with a rusty axe.
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    This is evil, evil GMing. Brilliant, good sir!

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    Philemon avatar by the awesome Morbis Meh.
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  30. - Top - End - #60
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Finlam's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2013

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    This morning I checked my e-mail and this was waiting for me:
    [email contents removed]
    Holy ****, dude!

    That was my first reaction. My second reaction was: Is that real?

    The contents of that email are so obscene, controlling, and abusive that it really doesn't seem real to me.

    If it is real, I have only one piece of advice: run. Get the **** away from that girl, not just physically, but emotionally. Tell her it's been great but you're not a tool bag and you're not a door mat and you can do a lot better (because you couldn't do much worse right now). Change your cell number, block her skype, and her email. In three words: CUT HER OFF!

    ...
    Or continue to waste time, life, and energy dealing with her passive(?) aggressive bull****, insults, and total lack of empathy; thereby proving that you are, in fact, willing to continue to be a door mat.
    Last edited by Finlam; 2014-03-05 at 08:45 AM.
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