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  1. - Top - End - #721
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    PirateGirl

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I decided to write up how I might ask the question in advance;

    'I really like the relationship we have at the moment, and I don’t think it needs to change.

    But, I enjoy exploring new things, and I think you’re someone I’d quite enjoy doing that with.

    We’ve talked about trying things before, and I think a primary emotional response from both of us has been anxiety, which neither of us want too much of.

    So, thinking about the future, how do you want to approach … us? Do you want to try new things in general with me? Do you want to just enjoy what we’ve been doing the last year? If you want to try doing anxious things, how do we approach that?'

  2. - Top - End - #722
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    GreenSorcererElf

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Your letter, razovor, seems good to me. It's honest, which is always a plus for me, and it offers the opportunity to keep things the same as they have been. It is a good start to a hopefully honest and open conversation between the two of you.
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  3. - Top - End - #723
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I'm having a slight problem.

    My girlfriend wants to travel to see me this October, but things are a bit complicated.
    She has taken this semester off from the university and she wants to spend three months with me in my country. This would mean a 10,000 km flight since she lives in Brazil and I'm European. We have never met face-to-face.
    She doesn't have enough money to travel, so I wanted to pay some of the costs but she refused out of pride. Her dad is willing to help but wants her brother to travel with her and the two would live in a hotel for two weeks, which would be considerably more expensive what she had planned (travelling alone + living with me). Her dad would pay for all this, of course, and it makes her stressed. Her dad wants to splash cash just to get her a chaperone (she's 25 years old!!), she doesn't want to me pay for anything, she has already taken a semester off for this trip but she is unable to pay for the flights... It's a mess.

    What should I do to help the situation?
    If I say that "Let's forget about this since you don't have the money", she would be doing nothing until the next semester starts.
    I have already promised her not to offer to pay for the trip.
    I don't have any problems having her brother here - Hell, he can have the whole family here if he wants! - but she doesn't like the idea.

    I guess there's nothing I can do, right? Still, I'm in the center of it all, since I'm the reason she wants to travel. ARGH!

  4. - Top - End - #724
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    Aedilred's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Three months seems like an awfully long time to spend living with each other when you've never met face to face. Having anyone stay in your space for longer than a few days can be pretty stressful, no matter how well you know them, and you've been in this relationship... six weeks or so? If you fall out after the first week of her being there (which is a risk you should probably acknowledge, even if, obviously, hopefully it won't happen) that's going to be a real issue. Still, the idea of actually meeting up is probably a good one.

    Unfortunately when you accept people's money (as in her case with her father) you kind of have to do it on their terms. If she can't afford to do it herself, it's really a question of who she wants to be indebted* to and what strings are attached. I'd hesitate to recommend you spend a fortune of your own money on this at this point in the relationship, but depending on internal family politics that might be the only way she gets to have the trip she wants, rather than the trip her father thinks she should have, and if you really are happy to pay for it and her father won't budge, that might be worth pointing out to her. Whether it's what you want (it's your money, after all), well, that's your call.

    *Morally, not necessarily financially.
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  5. - Top - End - #725
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I'm just venting right now...

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    I'm not sure what I'm looking for in response, but I realized something about myself yesterday: Expressing my feelings makes me uncomfortable. Combine that with my instinct to withdraw when I'm uncomfortable, and you get a recipe for getting annoyed with myself every time I fail to tell someone things I want to say (that I like them, for instance).

    And, of course, this isn't helped by the fact that my current insurance won't pay for counseling from anyone that I can actually learn something about via online resources (I've consulted with my dad, who knows a variety of really good places to look from his work with the local crisis line), and the school I'm starting at in a month a) doesn't have free options and b) doesn't take my insurance.
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  6. - Top - End - #726
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    DruidGirl

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    confused Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    UPDATE:

    So...

    Two months after running 2000 miles away from my ex fiancee who left me for my former best friend and roommate, I have settled into a disturbing pattern:

    I look for women on dating sites. The ones that respond to me are always damaged in some way (their ex lover died recently, they broke up with their boyfriend of 10 years, they have post traumatic stress disorder, They've lived alone after a bloody and violent domestic disturbance ended their engagement, etc). Every week it is someone new, because I contact them, they invite me over, we have a great time, and then afterwards either they or I withdraw for whatever reason (can't discuss those issues here), and one of us feels like our affections are not reciprocated. Then the relationship ends in tears, because we both like each other, but we can't be together, because one of us always wants more. I've been on both sides of this.

    So, I have identified my problem (with help) as the following:

    1. I have an urgent desire to please women. This means I am willing to start relationships with women I'm not particularly attracted to, and it also means I invest quite a bit of myself very early into relationships. This desire comes from a lack of female approval in my life (I suspect). Female attention and affirmation are like drugs in my system. I go into withdrawals without them, and the cravings are constant.

    2. I want what I have lost. I don't think it's fair that I had to lose all the experience, time, and effort I put into my last relationship, and despite the dictates of reason, I refuse to let it go. I don't want to start over. I am being a baby about this, but I can't convince myself it is worth it to start over.

    3. I spent a long time during my early adulthood (16-24) being involuntarily alone and celibate. I was a depressed youth devoid of confidence and crushed by my first love (who also left me for my then best friend >.<). It took me a long time to develop the social skills and confidence necessary to attract women. My biggest fear is going back to this utter loneliness, and this is problematic, because I undoubtedly need to not be in a relationship right now. I need to be happy with me, and I can't stand that guy.

    4. Now that it's easy for me to meet and seduce women, I foresee it being a constant battle of self-discipline to not go out and look for them. Because it will end in tears for me.

    These four little chestnuts are the 4 horsemen of my personal apocalypse. They combine together to form a monster with which I can not contend. I need Voltron.

    Does anybody else have problems like this? Is it just me?

  7. - Top - End - #727
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    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    My observation is that you seem to be rushing things at an unreasonable pace. Every week (I'm guessing it's a hyperbole, but still, you lucky bastard) a new situation where you plunge head first into relationship mode may be putting a strain on your emotional status, must be a contributing factor in scaring a few prospective mates away from commitment, and can't be too healthy, generally speaking.
    Slow down.
    There really isn't much else you can do but that. Have fun if you can get it, but don't take it further, for a while. You're not going to get what you had if you're full on and over-eager after the first date. How many of the girls that didn't work out had genuine issues and were heartbroken because it didn't work out for legitimate reasons and how many just ran for the hills because they didn't feel comfortable committing this early in your... Acquaintance?
    Last edited by dehro; 2014-08-24 at 04:07 AM.
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  8. - Top - End - #728
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    Crow's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    dehro is right. Slow the heck down.

    No offense intended, but you seem grossly immature. You need to learn to be happy by yourself. Like seriously. Until you figure that out, you're going to be your own worst enemy, and I suspect an involuntary giant douchebag.

    So for the love of something, just stop.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-08-24 at 04:37 AM.
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  9. - Top - End - #729
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    DruidGirl

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    dehro is right. Slow the heck down.

    No offense intended, but you seem grossly immature. You need to learn to be happy by yourself. Like seriously. Until you figure that out, you're going to be your own worst enemy, and I suspect an involuntary giant douchebag.

    So for the love of something, just stop.
    Thanks.

    To be clear, I have taken down my online dating profile, and I've deleted the numbers of the women I was talking to. So, yeah. I've stopped the offensive behavior. I was looking for some advice on how to cope and what to do next. I'm going to be alone for a very long time again. How will I know when I can have a relationship again? Especially if I actively avoid them?

    It's very frustrating to reach out and be called names for it. I am sorry that you are offended by my behavior, but I'm here to get support to help stop.

  10. - Top - End - #730
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Crow's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Sorry, but I don't sugarcoat. It doesn't help anybody.

    When people don't know how to be happy alone, it is often because of some sort of emptiness in their life? There are things you love to do, so do them. Make them the priority. Find whatever it is in life that gives you fulfillment, and do it without apologies. Volunteer at an animal rescue, play guitar, take up squirrel suit jumping, whatever.

    But if you cant be happy by yourself, nobody else will be able to change that. You will be a cancer on the relationship, and immature, douchebaggish behavior will continue.

    Do what you love, and make it the top priority in your life. You know, after you take care of the basic needs of survival and integrity of course. After that, everything, and I mean everything, will get better. *Don't make excuses to NOT take care of yourself first.* If you're not being taken care of by you first, you won't be helping anyone in the long run.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-08-24 at 07:32 PM.

  11. - Top - End - #731
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    rogueboy's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Good news, bad news, and ramblings (because I always ramble)...

    Finally got myself to tell A that I liked her. Turns out she didn't feel the same. Annoying, but I'm giving myself a few days to process before I reopen communication with her (I'll probably be there tomorrow, then I just need to figure out what to say - a very workable problem).

    I got a response about 5 weeks ago from someone on OKC saying she was going to respond at some point, citing grad school for delays (which I totally get). I'll probably go back to half-hoping to hear from her, but I know better than to hold my breath. I have about 2 weeks left before I start school again, we'll see if I manage to be in the mood to deal with OKC (even if it's just revamping the profile, which has been completely neglected for a couple months recently).
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  12. - Top - End - #732
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    JabberwockySupafly's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well, my current attempt at a relationship didn't work out. Sucks, but both of us are adults and it was semi-long distance (I am in Sydney/Surrounding Suburbs and she in the ACT) and difficult for us to work around our lives in order to make things work. These things happen.

    My need for advice comes to this: I've tried OKC, as many on here have professed to having good luck with it, but I can't seem to find many women who share my interests in pop culture and general nerdery, or at least any that seem to have more than a passing interest in me. Does any one else have any suggestions on where to look for members of the opposite gender who may share my adoration for all things geeky? I'm not really keen on asking friends to set me up, as the last two times that happened it ended either being awkward or just plain terrible and I really don't have any other avenues from which to choose, since I live in a reasonably Male-Nerd-Centric part of Australia, and working & commuting make it difficult to find time to date without some kind of direction.
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  13. - Top - End - #733
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Mostly nerd-related clubs and events, I think. Would you be willing to try LARPing? There seems to be a relatively high proportion of girls in larps (and lots of corsets).

  14. - Top - End - #734
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    JabberwockySupafly's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Mostly nerd-related clubs and events, I think. Would you be willing to try LARPing? There seems to be a relatively high proportion of girls in larps (and lots of corsets).
    LARPing is something I have always been keen to try, but never had an 'in', so to speak. I don't know anyone who does it, and couldn't seem to find a group or club anywhere. It's definitely something I'd be willing to do. Any suggestions on where to look or start?
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  15. - Top - End - #735
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    You're in Sydney, yeah? Pretty big World of Darkness club there. There's even at least one forum person in it. All very political with lots of social roleplaying and corsets. I'm not sure what Sydney's like but the Brisbane club is about 1/3+ women (with a downside that everyone's always dating everyone else but hey, it's a start, and they all have friends they can introduce you to too). You can find them on Facebook, though I'm not sure what the Sydney group's called. Try Twilight Alliance or something. I'll ask the forum person I know in it if he'd be willing to duck in and raise his hand.

  16. - Top - End - #736
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine


  17. - Top - End - #737
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Swear word in the link got censored. Most humorous.
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  18. - Top - End - #738
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Oh bollocks. I forgot to give a language warning, too. Is it easily fixed? I'm on my phone so it's tricky to fix it.

  19. - Top - End - #739
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Oh bollocks. I forgot to give a language warning, too. Is it easily fixed? I'm on my phone so it's tricky to fix it.
    Whether the link is easily fixed on here, I'm not sure. However, it took me exactly 1 try to correct the link in my browser. For those trying to figure it out, here's a hint: the **** should be ***k. Fill in the remaining *s with the obvious letters. And yes, language warning is necessary. But you probably figured that out already.
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    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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  20. - Top - End - #740
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Ahh, the days when I could experience such heights of emotion more than once a fortnight.

    Definitely useful for some people. Probably just going to get a "So sorry I have issues with depression, brb, killing self," or some variation thereof from the people who most need the self-improvement component, sadly. But there's not much reading something can really do for people in that place anyway.

    Probably a depressingly large number of people who need the "no, bad, stop trying to contort yourself to get sex, or, worse, develop tricks to try to extort it from others," more, though.
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  21. - Top - End - #741
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Good article, and thanks for pointing out why the link didn't work! Once I fixed it, it worked fine. And it reflects my views on the issue too. If you have to convince someone to be your friend, your partner, your sex partner, your spouse... then maybe it's better not to do it at all don't you think?

    But I suspect people who want that to begin with are different on such a fundamental level that the article won't really mean anything to them.

  22. - Top - End - #742
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I need help.

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    First of all, I have a problem where, if I know I am right, I have to be right. My girlfriend of 1.5 years and who I am currently attempting LDR with, gave me a phone call today because she was having a rough one and needed to vent. One of the things she vented about is something she's been venting a lot about recently, and while I'm sympathetic to her venting, one of the things she said was actually wrong, and something I care about, and I corrected her. This, understandably, got her upset, and she quickly hung up. I know it wasn't the best time, but I had to do it*, and had I done it when she wasn't already mad, I'd just make her mad. So now we're both decently upset with one another.

    It's the wee hours where I live now, so maybe I shouldn't be worrying this now, and maybe I should go to bed ... But some of the regulars here may remember I've contemplated breaking up in the past, and I'm doing it more seriously than before now. She's going to be abroad for 5 months starting in January, and I hate the current "LDR" of living an hour apart while in college. With our busy schedules, we see each other a couple of times a month, and already, for both of us, that is Hell. In addition, I'm getting really fed up with the "we" she keeps using. I'm looking to work in DC this summer, and she insists that we also find her some work in DC this summer, so that we won't be LDR for 8-9 months. That make sense. Some of the other things, less so. She's 20, and I'm 20 next Sunday, and she already is asking where "we" will go to grad school and where "we" will live afterwards. I've told her I'm not comfortable with this, that we're young, not to stress it. At the time, she said there wasn't a point in dating if we didn't plan to be together ~forever~, which I thought was silly. Now, I think she has a point. If this isn't going to go anywhere past college, why wait it out when I could maybe find someone better here?

    Given that, I'm also conflicted because she cares about this relationship a lot more than I do. We got together in January of our sr. year in HS, and we had yet to choose where we were going to college. In late February, I explicitly told her not to choose where she went based off of where I went. That didn't happen. She chose a school 1 hour away from me that she hates, and is more expensive than what she can easily afford when there was a school two hours away where she was accepted in to the honors program and got their best scholarship. If we end things, she'll be stuck at a school she hates. Unless, maybe, it ends in time for her to apply to a different college. The only situation I see for how things could work would be for me to transfer to where she goes to school, and I'm not going to do that, because personally, my education matters more than my love and sex life.

    So please, someone help me.

    * Please don't tell me I didn't have to do it. I did. And even if I didn't, it's in the past and I know it wasn't the best. It's not the main problem, but something to address in the future.
    Last edited by AtlanteanTroll; 2014-09-08 at 01:23 AM.
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  23. - Top - End - #743
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    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
    Given that, I'm also conflicted because she cares about this relationship a lot more than I do.
    Right here I'm calling it. Time to move on.

    That said; One hour away? That is what passes as long distance these days? I must be really out of it.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-09-08 at 03:59 AM.
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  24. - Top - End - #744
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    For her to jeopardise her educational future is a serious issue. Since you don't seem half as invested in this as she is (a mere matter of proportions, not passing any judgement here) you should have broken it off the minute it became clear she was making a terrible choice of school for the sake of "we". I would have gone as far as to talk to her parents, or at least yours, to find a way to talk her out of it.
    Now you're at risk of being guilt tripped into a relationship and she might hold this over your head for the length of it.
    You seem like you don't want to settle down for life just yet, whereas she has either a head full of romantic notions or is seriously planning her future with you, oblivious to the fact that for all the love and good feelings you aren't that committed just yet, if you'll ever be.
    Add to this the future long distance issue and you have a potential for a relationship where each party goes at his/her own speed...But eventually it will turn sour for at least one of you.
    I'd advise talk her into understanding you are not ready to pick the names of your offspring or the home of your dreams just yet, or, if she doesn't get the message, break up wiht her to save you both the heap of financial, social and emotional backlash that could come further down the road.
    Last edited by dehro; 2014-09-08 at 04:20 AM.
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  25. - Top - End - #745
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I agree with Crow, time to break it off. She is looking for a long term commitment and you apparently are not. Don't drag things out. As to her being stuck in a school she hates, quite frankly, that's her problem, not yours. You need to do what is right for YOU.

  26. - Top - End - #746
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    That said; One hour away? That is what passes as long distance these days? I must be really out of it.
    I only call it that because having cars as college students isn't the easiest thing and taking 2 hours just for travel in college isn't the easiest thing. But yeah. Not really very L, for LDR.

    Still trying to figure out how to let her know we need to talk, (if I decide we do, and I think I will) b/c I have the feeling we should do this in person, which sucks.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Yes, it sucks and yes, you need to do this in person.
    Being potentially dumped in any other way is like not only having the neighbours poop on your doorstep but them using the flowers of your flowerbed to wipe themselves clean.
    If your feelings towards her are/were true, she deserves at least that consideration.... the telling in person, not the poop and the flowers.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    No, actually, I think you're pretty good at them, because this sucks no matter how I do it. I think I know what I am going to say now, though. Still not sure I want to do it, because I would like for it to work, but the issues need to really be brought up seriously. Maybe go on a break, I dunno. The plan was to see her Thursday and then she'd come up this weekend for my birthday, but IDK when she'll actually want to meet in person.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll View Post
    I only call it that because having cars as college students isn't the easiest thing and taking 2 hours just for travel in college isn't the easiest thing. But yeah. Not really very L, for LDR.
    It's kind of like a MDR. Far enough to be a major hassle if you want to see each other frequently, close enough that you still can.

    Then again, university distorts perceptions of time and distance. My idea of what qualifies as "a long way" has completely altered at least once since I left. While there, half an hour's walk seemed an almost unacceptably long way to go. During my second year, my college canteen was about fifteen-twenty minutes on foot and getting there even once a day felt like a serious inconvenience, let alone twice.
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I suck at metaphors.
    Similes :)
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