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  1. - Top - End - #841
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    I never really understood the appeal of confidence. Most of the time, when I meet confident people, I find myself forcing a smile and talking to them the way I talk to little children when they tell me what their stuffed animal is saying.
    Well, actually going for what one wants out of life is pretty superior to just taking whatever scraps it tosses one's way, if one is in an advantageous enough position to even try to improve or alter one's lot in life. Actually interacting well with others tends to lubricate the process and confidence helps with the social skills and putting one's best foot forward.

    But, yes, as you say, people can certainly still condescend to others even when other people are confident. I've always found that to just be a general trait that some people demonstrate though, rather than anything that confident people really attract.

    I mean, there's the stereotypical bitterness and jealousy by some, I suppose, but that's kind of a different animal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    I'm about your age and have for some years been generally apathetic about sex. It's kind of like re-reading an airport novel; it's not really a bad way to spend your time, but, c'mon, you already know what happens.
    Spoken like a truly jaded man. Or, y'know, an asexual.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2014-10-24 at 03:19 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
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  2. - Top - End - #842
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Lonely Tylenol View Post
    I don't like to cuddle, or be held, during sleep.

    My girlfriend and I sleep in the same bed, and she likes to cuddle and wrap an arm/leg around me, etc., but for the most part this just makes me uncomfortably hot and sort of uncomfortable in general. I would rather sleep in the fetal position, facing away from her (specifically, toward the monitor; I cannot sleep unless I am watching something in the doing. No, not even then). I've expressed that this general quality of my sleep pattern has existed longer than our relationship, that I am a creature of habit, and that it just gets too stuffy to sleep when we're pulled close together, and she has accepted that without a fight and is generally (when conscious) accommodating of my need for space. Still, I worry that I'm being really selfish about this, even though we cuddle when we are both wide awake.

    Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to cuddle during sleep?
    As a cuddler, I get a great deal of emotional satisfaction from cuddling. Being with someone who doesn't like to touch at all when sleeping, even if I understand that it's just the way they're comfortable, makes me feel cut off and lonely. But that's just me.
    You could possibly consider some small compromise like holding hands or letting her put a hand on your waist (and/or also, conversely, try to make a concious effort to make some physical contact with her to provide that emotional engagement).
    Basically, no you're not a bad person for not liking to cuddle while you sleep, but if like me she gets emotional benefit from cuddling agreeing to not do it is a significant compromise on her part, so I think it'd be good to give something back.

  3. - Top - End - #843
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Striving to achieve one's desires is one thing; actually believing this will produce the desired results is another. It might, of course, but having confidence in it doing so has always struck me as faintly ludicrous.

  4. - Top - End - #844
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    Striving to achieve one's desires is one thing; actually believing this will produce the desired results is another. It might, of course, but having confidence in it doing so has always struck me as faintly ludicrous.
    The reason confidence is sexy, is because nobody wants to prop up a partner for the better part of relationship. Showing confidence in yourself broadcasts that you have at least some of your crap together. That you are probably not going to be emotionally dependent upon the other person. It also shows a mindset that is more likely to lead to a successful provider later down the line. The willingness to try where others will not, or keep trying after meeting a setback. This is the one thing that will have the greatest impact on achieving the results you desire, and in that- confidence is one of the primary ingredients.

    Now what you seem to be taking issue with is people who are over-confident, or even arrogant. This is totally different. Some of the most confident people are quiet and keep to themselves. Confidence isn't a blustering, I want that and I am going to tell you all about how I am going to do it attitude. Confidence is being secure and comfortable in your self and your abilities. Usually arrogance and over-confidence are the antithesis of this. They are being that way to fool others (and themselves) that they are comfortable with themselves, which is far from the truth.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-10-24 at 06:16 PM.
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  5. - Top - End - #845
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    If I meant arrogance, or hubris, I would have used those words. I used the word "confidence" because I meant "confidence." Where we differ is that I am aware that a series of events and circumstances entirely outside of one's control will have the greatest impact on achieving the results one desires, not continuing to try in the face of defeat. I can try very hard to become King of England, but however much I persevere in the face of failure, my goal will be prevented by an accident of birth. I can try to get a certain job, but however many times I apply, and the ardor with which I do so, are far less relevant than the course of events altogether outside of my control or even influence that determine not just my qualifications for the position, but the interest and qualifications of everyone else applying for it. I once won a poetry contest that I not only did not try to win, but actively tried not to win because I resented being assigned to enter it. I try because I want to try, not because I believe it is meaningfully connected to whether or not I will succeed. I am comfortable with myself without being "confident" in the slightest.

  6. - Top - End - #846
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    If I meant arrogance, or hubris, I would have used those words. I used the word "confidence" because I meant "confidence." Where we differ is that I am aware that a series of events and circumstances entirely outside of one's control will have the greatest impact on achieving the results one desires, not continuing to try in the face of defeat. I can try very hard to become King of England, but however much I persevere in the face of failure, my goal will be prevented by an accident of birth. I can try to get a certain job, but however many times I apply, and the ardor with which I do so, are far less relevant than the course of events altogether outside of my control or even influence that determine not just my qualifications for the position, but the interest and qualifications of everyone else applying for it. I once won a poetry contest that I not only did not try to win, but actively tried not to win because I resented being assigned to enter it. I try because I want to try, not because I believe it is meaningfully connected to whether or not I will succeed. I am comfortable with myself without being "confident" in the slightest.
    To think that you would be able to "try" your way to the throne of England would be an arrogant (and ignorant) assumption to make. You actually have a lot of control over whether you get a job that apply for. Sure, someone else may have better qualifications, and that is out of your control; but you can attempt to gain more experience, acquire useful certifications, or network with influential people so that you will be in a better position next time the position comes up.

    But, for the purpose of this thread, a defeatist attitude can be very off-putting, and generally won't help your chances at finding a partner.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-10-24 at 09:09 PM.

  7. - Top - End - #847
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I could also do absolutely nothing to improve my experience or qualifications and get the job the next time because the applicant pool happens to be weaker. I could get a different job for which I'm less qualified because I remind the interview of his tragically departed son. I could build experience, get the certifications and be rejected because I am now "overqualified" for an entry-level position. I could finish getting the certifications and be broadsided by an eighteen-wheeler and killed instantly on my way to the final interview. Everything that happens in my life will be — to a large extent already has been — determined by events largely outside of my control. As such, confidence and defeatism strike me as equally ridiculous; I do not have enough information to support either notion about any specific endeavor, let alone the general course of my life as a whole.

  8. - Top - End - #848
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Only vaguely related -
    I've noticed that younger adults and teenagers tend to find lack of confidence....not necessarily attractive, but appealing, in a manner? In that "I can make them realize how wonderful" kind of way.
    Typically, as you have more and more experience in relationships, or even just in day to day interactions with people, it becomes a necessity to have a partner who doesn't need constant reassurance and that, in fact, that sort of need is detrimental not only to the needing partner, but yourself and the relationship as a whole.
    The point of a long term relationship is to grow together in a healthy manner, and to be in constant need of reassurance or propping up or whatever have you is not conducive to both parties growing - simply, it becomes one partner feeding off the energy of the other.

    In my mind, this is why confidence has been an attractive quality.
    "I can do this" easily becomes "We can do this"

    re: cuddling while sleeping

    I like to cuddle as I'm falling asleep and then move away at some point in the "night" (I say night because I'm an overnight worker and my SO is a latenight worker, so for us, sleeping is done during the day). However, Billycakes likes to cuddle throughout the entire sleep session, which often involves a lot of his sweating (like, alot. the guy is skinny, but there's a particular medication he takes which gives him night sweats, I guess).

    He will chase me to the very last inch of the bed, so I've discovered leaving a little valley of the shared blankets between us causes a nice, comfy barrier.

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  9. - Top - End - #849
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    You know what's awesome? Figuring out after being away from a person for a week that you kinda like them and might LIKE them and having them start up a relationship right then. I'm so sick and tired of being terrible and stupid at anything remotely related to other people.
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  10. - Top - End - #850
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    You could possibly consider some small compromise like holding hands or letting her put a hand on your waist (and/or also, conversely, try to make a concious effort to make some physical contact with her to provide that emotional engagement).
    One thing that works for me (your mileage may vary, of course) is being back to back, where I'm basically hugging myself and our backs touch. He doesn't get overheated, but I get skin-to-skin contact, and a snuggling feeling. Works with a pillow or covers to hug as well but I find it works just as well for me when I'm just hugging myself.

    I don't know how many people would be satisfied with that. I like cuddling before sleep, but moving to this as we fall asleep feels like enough contact that I don't feel rejected, without making it impossible for him to sleep.

  11. - Top - End - #851
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    The arm of death is annoying both ways... Your arm feels trapped, your movements too, you're probably breathing through a mouthful of hair and the only way out is to topple her off the bed or karate-chop her in the ribs until she moves off your arm. If you're sleeping on one, there's a good chance her elbow is poking you somewhere unpleasant and you're condemned not to move in fear of retribution for waking her up...Also you're basically sleeping on an alien lump of stuff and that freaks me out after a while.
    On the other hand, an arm draped over her tends to be a lot more comfortable, leaves plenty of room for maneuvring to both and is still intimate enough. That solution applied face to face instead of spooning also solves the issue of hairballs. Of course there's still a chance of getting slapped in the face when the phone rings or the alarm clock sounds, especially if you being there at all is an unusual circumstance, but life is about compromises, is it not?
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  12. - Top - End - #852
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by TFT View Post
    Hey, so I have a situation I've never really dealt with before, and wanted to get some outside perspective:
    Bad timing, nothing I think you did inherently wrong. I would recommend listening to her and giving her some space. She seems to know you're interested, so I wouldn't be worried about her getting involved with someone else before you make your feelings known.

    I understand getting fixated can't be helped, but try to think of it like this:
    She's emotionally vulnerable, and you probably don't want to be the 'rebound' guy.

    I would recommend apologizing for the poor timing, and let her know to take her time and have her space. She already knows you're interested, and that's going to be on her mind either way. Might as well address it, at least briefly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    I'm about your age and have for some years been generally apathetic about sex. It's kind of like re-reading an airport novel; it's not really a bad way to spend your time, but, c'mon, you already know what happens.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Spoken like a truly jaded man. Or, y'know, an asexual.
    You know, I've got a lot of friends who identify as asexual. One has four kids, a vasectomy, and his wife has told him she'll leave if they aren't intimate. I'm not sure I want to label myself as asexual, because I still have biological needs, they just aren't as strong as pop culture has led me to believe they should be. I also don't enjoy the act as much as I think I should.

    Also, I grew up with a lot of people who self-identified just to be 'different'. They poured out the alphabet soup like people jumped between emo, goth, metal subcultures. I believe people can be asexual, pansexual, robosexual, whatever, but I think too many people pick one just for the sake of it. Like a friend who 'was bi because guys thought it was hawt'. I don't want to be an Ace because I think its 'different'. I want to be sure I actually fit the definition.

    *shrug* Things to bring up with my therapist, I suppose.

  13. - Top - End - #853
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    The arm of death is annoying both ways... Your arm feels trapped, your movements too, you're probably breathing through a mouthful of hair and the only way out is to topple her off the bed or karate-chop her in the ribs until she moves off your arm. If you're sleeping on one, there's a good chance her elbow is poking you somewhere unpleasant and you're condemned not to move in fear of retribution for waking her up...Also you're basically sleeping on an alien lump of stuff and that freaks me out after a while.
    On the other hand, an arm draped over her tends to be a lot more comfortable, leaves plenty of room for maneuvring to both and is still intimate enough. That solution applied face to face instead of spooning also solves the issue of hairballs. Of course there's still a chance of getting slapped in the face when the phone rings or the alarm clock sounds, especially if you being there at all is an unusual circumstance, but life is about compromises, is it not?
    I think cuddling and spooning works out better when both people's heads aren't level, at least for the purpose of arms not being put to sleep underneath one or more of the people involved. Granted, that usually means that someone is nestled into someone's chest, laying their head on someone's chest, or wedged into an armpit or something.
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  14. - Top - End - #854
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Since we're debating serious matters, what do you think is the grapple check on a +1 keen witty girlfriend?
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  15. - Top - End - #855
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    As an object, she would have no grapple modifier. If a girlfriend is a grapple weapon, the wielder's modifier would be increased by one as per the enhancement bonus.

  16. - Top - End - #856
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    As an object... a girlfriend
    OOOOOOooooooooo


  17. - Top - End - #857
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    The arm of death is annoying both ways...
    I would gladly take the arm of death if it came with the embrace of love. And I don't mean that purely (or even mostly) sexually.
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  18. - Top - End - #858
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Asta Kask View Post
    I would gladly take the arm of death if it came with the embrace of love. And I don't mean that purely (or even mostly) sexually.
    agreed, I was merely being practical
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  19. - Top - End - #859
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    OOOOOOooooooooo
    Were I making the original joke, I probably would have given the girlfriend creature templates, rather than magic item properties.

  20. - Top - End - #860
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    ...Now what on earth can one do that wouldn't be construed as a date and wouldn't be awkward as a potential introduction to someone's girlfriend?

    I'm rather sadly blanking out on options here that aren't "some kind of get-together at someone's home."

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    OOOOOOooooooooo

    ...I should actually watch that movie sometime.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zrak View Post
    Were I making the original joke, I probably would have given the girlfriend creature templates, rather than magic item properties.
    That'd just lead to Pseudonatural Girlfriends do it with tentacles.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ursus the Grim View Post
    You know, I've got a lot of friends who identify as asexual. One has four kids, a vasectomy, and his wife has told him she'll leave if they aren't intimate. I'm not sure I want to label myself as asexual, because I still have biological needs, they just aren't as strong as pop culture has led me to believe they should be. I also don't enjoy the act as much as I think I should.

    Also, I grew up with a lot of people who self-identified just to be 'different'. They poured out the alphabet soup like people jumped between emo, goth, metal subcultures. I believe people can be asexual, pansexual, robosexual, whatever, but I think too many people pick one just for the sake of it. Like a friend who 'was bi because guys thought it was hawt'. I don't want to be an Ace because I think its 'different'. I want to be sure I actually fit the definition.

    *shrug* Things to bring up with my therapist, I suppose.
    Well, Asexuals are not nearly as homogenous as we like to think, aye. That does sound like a situation that could've been avoided with earlier awareness though, I suppose.

    You do realize that pop culture basically exists to lie to us about sex, right?

    Though if someone doesn't enjoy the physical sensations of sex despite y'know desiring sex and partaking in it with their full consent, then that does imply something on the muddy end of the asexuality spectrum, something to be investigated on the emotional/mental end of things, a physical/health problem to be investigated, or improper technique to be rectified.
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  21. - Top - End - #861
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Is there any reason to think anyone has ever been romantically interested in me? I just kind of wonder because I think lately I have been feeling kind of lonely. I do look kind of bad in my opinion, and I don't have much independence living at home in the country. With no driving license. I should stop whining.

  22. - Top - End - #862
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Is there any reason to think anyone has ever been romantically interested in me? I just kind of wonder because I think lately I have been feeling kind of lonely. I do look kind of bad in my opinion, and I don't have much independence living at home in the country. With no driving license. I should stop whining.
    I don't think that's something anyone can answer without having been witness to as many events in your life as possible, to be honest. Chances are, yes, but probability alone isn't enough to draw a conclusion.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Being alone isn't so bad. No need to talk to anyone when you don't feel like talking. You get to appreciate real silence. If you feel like doing something, you don't need to check in with anybody or worry that someone else might want to do something else. You can poop with the door wide open and not catch any flak for it. If you feel like eating just different kinds of sausage for eight weeks straight, you can.

    I'm married and I took off to another country where I barely spoke to anyone for 5 weeks. The worst part was everyone wanting to hear about it when I got back. Talking made my throat hurt, lol.

    So dude, don't worry about being alone. I know for a fact that some woman out there is attracted to you, whether you believe it, can't understand it, or even care. It will come to you unexpectedly, and one day you'll find yourself sitting on the toilet remembering the days when you could poop with the door open whenever you liked.
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-10-28 at 12:20 AM.

  24. - Top - End - #864
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Is it strange that I take a fairly passive approach to falling in love? As in, I actively set out to try and meet as many people as possible to increase the likelihood I'll run into someone I can fall for, and if I do detect that spark I'll pursue it if appropriate (and if I don't completely wuss out), but in terms of developing romantic feels itself it consists of paying attention to how I feel or think I might feel trying to detect the existence or non-existence of a spark that could eventually become love, and if I don't detect that spark accepting that it's (almost certainly, but only because I don't like absolute statements) not going to happen - and if I do, it only might.
    This probably doesn't make any sense, so I've got two specific examples of things that are used a lot but don't really make any sense to me:

    "Why don't you just give them a chance?" I don't get this, why it's a question. A lot of the time it's about someone I really, really like and would desperately like to think that there's a chance I might fall in love with them, but that spark isn't there so I know I never will, and getting into a relationship with them would just be cruel because I already know it will end. That isn't to say that I won't get into a relationship unless I know it's going to last for ever, only that I can't know, for a fact, right from the very start, that it definitely won't. So yeah, I could give them a chance... A chance I already know won't work, will only end up hurting them, because the thing that would let them have a chance just isn't there, and there's nothing I can do to make it there when it isn't. Can other people do that? Conjure up feelings where there aren't any? Does "giving them a chance" ever work for people?

    "What are you looking for in a person?" Basically, I'm looking for someone I can fall in love with, someone I have that spark with and an opportunity to cultivate it to see how it blooms. I have things I particularly like, and features I can predict that someone that generates that spark will probably have, but I've come across a dozen people or more who have plenty of those things, who are everything I'm "looking for", but I still don't have that spark. So can people really make that decision? Have a list of things they want, and set out to find someone who ticks the boxes, switch feelings off for people who don't fit and switch them on for people to do? Is it that conscious a decision for other people?

    I've been thinking about this on and off for ages (including here). I just had a talk with someone recently who has a fairly pragmatic approach to love - they seem to love people because of certain good things about them, and develops that love over time. And I just... can't comprehend that. I simply don't work that way, or any other way that makes "give them a chance" or "what are you looking for" and similar make sense. It's like, I dunno, asking someone with no feet whether they're more comfortable in sneakers or sandals, the words make sense but not when applied to the person.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    "Why don't you just give them a chance?" I don't get this, why it's a question. A lot of the time it's about someone I really, really like and would desperately like to think that there's a chance I might fall in love with them, but that spark isn't there so I know I never will, and getting into a relationship with them would just be cruel because I already know it will end. That isn't to say that I won't get into a relationship unless I know it's going to last for ever, only that I can't know, for a fact, right from the very start, that it definitely won't. So yeah, I could give them a chance... A chance I already know won't work, will only end up hurting them, because the thing that would let them have a chance just isn't there, and there's nothing I can do to make it there when it isn't. Can other people do that? Conjure up feelings where there aren't any? Does "giving them a chance" ever work for people?
    It seems to me that "give them a chance" is not entirely unrelated to the kind of "friendzone/nice-guy" mentality that I hope I can at least reference without starting a flamewar: there's an underlying assumption that (either) social compatibility and friendship are just as important to, if not more important than, sexual attraction, (and/or) sexual attraction can develop out of social compatibility and friendship, whereas on a Venn diagram they'd be two fields that overlapped in places. Essentially, the idea that someone's impression of their own feelings/response can't be relied upon and if they were just reasonable about it rather than letting all these emotions cloud their, uh, emotional judgment, they'd realise that actually they should be in love with this person and hooray.

    So no, I don't think there's anything wrong or even particularly unusual in what you describe.

    Having said that, if one takes a step back, the "give them a chance" mentality is perhaps not as wholly unreasonable as it might seem. When it comes to other people, familiarity tends to breed either attachment or contempt; one's best and closest friends are often not those people with whom on paper one is most socially compatible but those we've happened to spend most time around (the two may be related, but usually, I think, aren't). Given that friendship is at its root largely an emotional/social thing rather than a purely rational one: spending enough time around a given person in a romantic context could lead to such feelings developing by sheer weight of attrition, and if that is the case it might be better in the long term to pick someone you already get on with and turn them into a lover than to acquire a lover and try to force the social compatibility.

    We've also assumed in our modern western society that sexual attraction is a prerequisite for any kind of romantic love - hence why I went straight to that above - whereas it isn't necessarily and it's entirely possible (indeed, I believe, relatively common) for people to have partners chosen for them who they've never met before and have love develop over time. Because we emphasise freedom of choice up front (and therefore the initial emotional-sexual response becomes the first hurdle at which most theoretical potential partners fall) the idea seems ridiculous but it happens and in large swathes of the world and for long periods of history I think it was pretty much the norm. I don't know how far we can get into that without running up against forum rules though.
    Last edited by Aedilred; 2014-11-02 at 07:15 AM.
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  26. - Top - End - #866
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Beats me, Serpentine, as I am exactly like you. I have wondered the exact same things and have no answer.

  27. - Top - End - #867
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well then, so in a month i am thrust by law and will into a completly new enviorment in which i will encounter

    *DUN DUN DUN*

    People my age from all over the country.

    Now i can either be my high school self again and repulse everyone around me into loneliness and claim it was intentional later only to regret it, or i can tell that old self guy to go **** himself and die in a fire. Obviously i pick option 2 only i have no idea what im doing.

    Never having more than one friend and a bit of aquiantaces, i never learnt by doing, never being told of mistakes and never being criticized for what i did wrong, not even KNOWING i did wrong until it was too late and all who i knew ditched me with no explanation. For months i pondered until i came to the conclusion that all the peers i held high never cared for me, so i cut off all communications to them and sat for half a year ready to arise anew.

    And in a month its that time. And i still didnt form a plan of action.

    What should i do? How should i do? Should i do at all?
    CAN i even do?
    Despite everything, its still me.

  28. - Top - End - #868
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by super dark33 View Post
    i am thrust by law and will into a completly new enviorment in which i will encounter

    *DUN DUN DUN*

    People my age from all over the country.
    So you're going to prison? :D
    Last edited by Crow; 2014-11-02 at 05:48 PM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by super dark33 View Post
    Well then, so in a month i am thrust by law and will into a completly new enviorment in which i will encounter

    *DUN DUN DUN*

    People my age from all over the country.

    What should i do? How should i do? Should i do at all?
    CAN i even do?
    I notice your location is listed as Israel - if that's still correct, I can only assume you're turning 18 and joining the military. My cousin hit that point a year or 2 back (I forget exactly when), and while I don't talk to him very often, I hear stories through my dad from his mom (siblings). From what I hear, you're not going to be given much choice about being social with others. Whether that will help or not, I couldn't say, but it certainly gives you a reasonable likelihood of not being able to fall into your own little world. And I know for me, all it really takes is for something (me, someone else, or the situation) to prevent me from sitting in a corner all night in order to be social. And once that's going on, you'll probably learn pretty quickly.
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  30. - Top - End - #870
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by super dark33 View Post
    Never having more than one friend and a bit of aquiantaces, i never learnt by doing, never being told of mistakes and never being criticized for what i did wrong, not even KNOWING i did wrong until it was too late and all who i knew ditched me with no explanation. For months i pondered until i came to the conclusion that all the peers i held high never cared for me, so i cut off all communications to them and sat for half a year ready to arise anew.

    And in a month its that time. And i still didnt form a plan of action.

    What should i do? How should i do? Should i do at all?
    CAN i even do?
    I was relatively antisocial until I left school (although I did have friends) and was thrown into new environments where I made a decided effort to be more open and approachable. It was fairly hard work, but worth it. It's not actually that difficult, it just takes a certain mindset and degree of energy.

    As rogueboy suggests, quite a lot of the work is going to be done for you in terms of forcing you to interact with people (and vice versa) so the only challenge is in getting people to like you rather than dislike you - and most people operate a slight presumption in favour of the former anyway when meeting new people they're going to be spending time around; all the team-building stuff you'll be doing will also help with that. The usual rules for social interactions apply: maintain eye contact (but not to a creepy degree); pay attention to your body language (open posture, don't stand too close); listen to what people say to you and make responses judged on what they say, rather than treating their side of the conversation as waiting for your turn to speak; use humour judiciously; generally maintain a friendly demeanour (smile); etc. Do that for a bit and one day you'll realise you have plenty of friends.
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