Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[The Prince of Cats]

I'd run into her at a party and she would start bothering me about I wouldn't return her texts/calls. (This is the standard method for dropping, last I checked)

That's the standard method for identifying yourself as a poor excuse for a human being actually.

The accepted method for 'dropping' someone is to explain that you have enjoyed your time together and will cherish it, but that you are not interested in pursuing it further. Even if you have to lie, you should try to be polite and at least vaguely complimentary when you dash another human being's hopes.

[Coidzor]

After that, I may look for another long-distance relationship with a Brazilian woman, using various dating sites. Is it too much to ask for a sane and loving woman from a country of 200 million?

Stop. Stop right there. No. Do not do this. Brazilian women may be perfectly nice, but you don't need to jump right back into the lion's den of intentionally dating across continents and a major ocean.

[Finlam]

Stop. Stop right there. No. Do not do this. Brazilian women may be perfectly nice, but you don't need to jump right back into the lion's den of intentionally dating across continents and a major ocean.

I think you have a good point. What's wrong with the local women?

[Jon_Dahl]

Nothing. I just don't want to get stuck here.

[Stuebi]

So, i've hit the crazy-Jackpot yet anew it seems.

I'm going to a different Trade School for around 2 months, and met some new people. Fairly decent for the most part. But there's this one girl that is coming to close to making me burst out in frustration.

At first she was just being kind of flirty, which was nice. If the infrequency of flirt-attempts was an Olympic Sport, I would've catapulted Switzerland to triple Gold over in russia. But after a while it became appearant that she isnt really my type, and frankly, annoying me with a whole lot of different stuff.

I dont like sending signals, the silent treatment or any of that stupidity, so I just upfront told her. While the wording may have slightly differed:

"Im sorry, I know what you're getting at, and im just not interested."

Im not sure if you can get much clearer than that, but im not kidding, she wont back off. She insists on sitting next to me in between lessons, keeps on flirting and even acts sassy when there are other Girls around. I've heard from someone from her Class that she has a history of mental problems, and im not keen on opening that can of worms. I've considered using a harsher tone in hope that the message penetrates, but I would like to keep that a last resort.

I've talked to my class-teacher about this, and she went the usual "Shes sensible, so deal with it."-route she allways takes on this. Im pretty sure I know which side she would take if this whole thing causes a scene.

There's also the possiblity of ignoring her, but that seems like the approach a Kindergartner would take.

[Chen]

"I don't like you, go away" or even just "go away" would probably make things more clear.

[Kajhera]

Man, would suck to think you've made a friend only to have em tell you that.

Can't say if it'd be worse than having a 'friend' who actually actively dislikes you though. Maybe tell her that the persisted attention is making you uncomfortable? It's plausible she doesn't realize the flirting is an unwelcome mode of interaction, and I can attest that the embarrassment of belatedly realizing you've been hitting on someone in a way they're uncomfortable with is ... shameful, but a lot less wounding than just being told you're disliked.
(Still pretty frightening, but it's kinda something those of us who don't always pick up on social cues or how what we're saying comes across need to know, and therefore the information is appreciated.)

[Eldariel]

Well, I've successfully avoided all iterations of this thread up until this point but seems I now have something to get off my chest. So, last year around November I got to know this girl in a lecture series after group work in a lecture where we happened to sit next to each other. Turns out we get along great; we have a lot of common interests (as people from similar subjects tend to), become fairly good friends in a few weeks and after the course, we begun a dance course together based off our earlier discussions. Now, of course, so things couldn't be too easy I kind of fell for her. Which would've been fine except 3 days before I intended to ask her out, she'd been on Christmas vacation in Germany (she only studies here, her family lives there) and I found out she'd started dating someone there; so a long-distance relationship (but they appear extremely close and quite happy together).

Now, this of course means I never asked her out, or told her how I feel about her. Indeed, the last things I want to accomplish are to either in any way disrupt a relationship that seems to make her happy, or to drive her away; I really enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy mine. But that of course leaves me at a somewhat awkward position, feeling the way I do, unable to tell her and of course, it's not like I could just forget about it especially with how often we do stuff together. Not sure why I'm really even writing this; I guess I just want to get it off my chest.

[Knaight]

So I've got a bit of a situation.

Spoiler

Show

The short version: I've been dating a woman for approximately a year and a half now. There's a bit of an age difference between us (I'm a hair over 21, she's a hair under 20), and also an academic gap (She's a junior close to graduation, I'm a sophomore who has a good five semesters left, minimum). These differences point different directions, which is where the problem is. She's smart, really smart, and I'm a pathetic failure who's still a college sophomore at 21, with a GPA entirely too close to toilet range (as in it slipped below 3.5, if only barely). I'm just worried that I'm dragging her down with me - I'm a distraction from academics, and while her study habits are hardly perfect mine are substantially worse and look as if they might be rubbing off to some extent. At the same time, I don't think ending the relationship would help. The big issue is that I know it would hurt her to do this, and while it's probably more harm to not break up and keep being an obstacle, I can't bring myself to break up. Plus, getting dumped after a year and a half doesn't exactly predispose one to doing better. Plus, selfishly I really don't want to do that. We've been friends for five years, and were fairly close even when we started dating. The obvious solution here would be to be non-pathetic and pick up half decent study habits so slacking tendencies can't rub off, but I can't seem to actually do that.

Mostly, I'm annoyed at myself for getting in this situation in the first place. I knew I wasn't dating material, but somehow I managed to forget.

tl;dr : My girlfriend is dating an idiot, said idiot doesn't know what to do about the situation.

[Aedilred]

OK, my advice would be to stop beating yourself up for a minute and try to look at the situation dispassionately.

Firstly, is she aware of the problems you're having with organisation and grades and so forth, or are you hiding them from her? If the former, then she knows just as well as you what's going on and can make her own decisions, whether that be to overlook it or not, so you can absolve yourself of responsibility on that count completely. If the latter, you shouldn't be doing that, stop it.

Clearly she has seen something in you that she likes, and as long as the rest of the relationship is ok, doing yourself down about not achieving as highly as her or whatever isn't going to help. The more you tell yourself you're inadequate, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your instinct about not leaving her is on the money - that's up to her.

I would say that it's likely if you don't get things sorted out it will lead to problems further down the line, though, so maybe you do need to buck up and start "bettering yourself" if only because you're not happy with the way things are in your life. Maybe ask her for help with that if you're having trouble doing it yourself. Maybe it would be a good idea to seek some sort of help or assistance or counselling at your school just to talk it through with someone in detail and try to work out a plan of action. Trying to do things completely on your own is tough. I would say that there's no shame in being a 21-year-old sophomore, so don't let that bother you. The age gap is nothing, and a year academic difference will make less difference than you think if you're both still into the relationship. (As I've got a bit older, I've found it funny how little time I used to think I had and how significant these small differences seemed). GPA I have no idea about and can't help, sorry. But whatever you do, don't punish her for whatever problems you're having.

[Zrak]

I don't have any good advice, but I want to know at what kind of diploma mill a 3.5 GPA is bordering on "the toilet." I mean, honestly, does anywhere but Harvard seriously give away As easy enough that a 3.5 is that bad?

[Jon_Dahl]

I've asked a female friend, whom I like more than a friend, to meet me on Skype. She always says that she looks too ugly (which is not true). She has given me her Skype user name, though. What can I do?
1. Tell her to ask me to come to Skype when she's ready and never talk about it again.
2. Ask a bit more, gently of course...
3. Stop asking about it.
4. Tell her that she doesn't have to use a webcam (I think this would be a very bad idea!)

[Knaight]

Firstly, is she aware of the problems you're having with organisation and grades and so forth, or are you hiding them from her? If the former, then she knows just as well as you what's going on and can make her own decisions, whether that be to overlook it or not, so you can absolve yourself of responsibility on that count completely. If the latter, you shouldn't be doing that, stop it.

She's aware, I don't have these hidden at all. I'm just worried about the habits spreading.

Clearly she has seen something in you that she likes, and as long as the rest of the relationship is ok, doing yourself down about not achieving as highly as her or whatever isn't going to help. The more you tell yourself you're inadequate, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your instinct about not leaving her is on the money - that's up to her.

It is. It just seems like what she sees in me is based on a fraud to some extent, starting with how she's under the impression that I'm actually bright.

I don't have any good advice, but I want to know at what kind of diploma mill a 3.5 GPA is bordering on "the toilet." I mean, honestly, does anywhere but Harvard seriously give away As easy enough that a 3.5 is that bad?

It's not that A's are given away easily, it's that I know full well that I could consistently have done better in the classes I didn't get them in. Plus, it's a community college, which barely even counts as a proper school, so that it would take about three semesters of straight F's to hit academic probation or whatever isn't really significant. I've been taking college level classes since I was 15, I should be doing better than this.

[Zrak]

Yeah, that's fair. I felt the same way about a lot of classes I didn't do well in at college. Also, sorry, I feel like my comment came across as harsh when it was really meant to come across as a sarcastic quip about Harvard's reputation for giving away easy As.

[Aedilred]

So not a particularly serious issue, nor one to do with romantic relationships, for a change, but it's winding me up at the moment. I'm a tenant in a terraced house, so we have neighbours immediately to either side of both our walls and garden. About a year ago one of the neighbouring houses changed hands and a Chinese family moved in. Unlike the previous neighbours we never really see them (and for some reason they don't tend to answer the door?) but mostly things are fine. Except that one of them sings. Loudly. A lot. Because my bedroom in particular abuts right up against their property, I can hear this in my room quite clearly, and it's really starting to get on my wick. He's not a particularly good singer, the music is all unfamiliar (and in Chinese) so I was never going to get much out of it anyway, and it seems to happen pretty much every evening and sometimes in the morning on weekends too when I'm having a lie in. It's like being stuck in a room with someone singing quietly and out of tune except you can't tell them to shut up. I know this annoys one of my housemates too, albeit slightly less so since they don't get it in their room.

Because they're separate properties he's entitled to do what he likes and there's no higher power I can complain to (other than the police, but it seems too minor to be taken seriously) but I suspect he doesn't realise quite how irritating this is. I've been trying to think of a tactful way to raise it, but speaking to them in person is pretty much out of the question (firstly, I'm British, secondly, they likely wouldn't answer the door, and thirdl,y whenever I have spoken to them our mutual comprehension is so low I don't think I'd be able to get my point across). I could stick a note through the door, but that seems a bit "passive-aggressive-notes" territory. (Indeed, we've previously had a laugh with the neighbours on the other side about someone who did just that about a noise complaint). Or just tolerate it like I have for the last six-nine months, but it seems to be getting more frequent, and louder, and it makes it impossible at times to do anything in my room without playing music of my own to drown it out.

***

Meanwhile, the fence we share with our other neighbours blew down in the storms over the winter, and is still in pieces in our garden. Apparently this is the neighbours' fence, and therefore their responsibility to fix, but they don't appear to be making any moves to do anything about it. It actually doesn't bother me hugely (except that we can now see into each others' kitchens) but come the summer I will need to find new housemates, which was a struggle last time round and I don't think a broken fence is really going to help the situation. I think our landlady has spoken to them, and that's pretty much the end of her responsibilities, but I wonder if they could do with a reminder/encouragement to do something about it. I'm not sure what the best way to broach this with them is - I'm considering going over and asking if they're planning to reuse the fallen panels or whether I can break those up and dispose of them (since they're in our garden) and then segue into "so what are you going to do about this fence anyway".

[Miriel]

Hi,

So, at the moment, I would like to be in a relationship. Which is sort of new. I guess it's because now I just feel better with myself and other people in general, I'm less scared by the idea of being with someone, and I feel very positive about the idea of having children (which goes against everything I had thought until recently, but oh well).

Problem is, I have no idea how relationships works. Sooo... how do they happen? How do you find yourself in a relationship?

Also, I don't know anybody I could possibly start a relationship with. With all this in mind, how do I meet people?

[Gabe]

I'd say that you find yourself in a relationship with someone when they return feelings of admiration and love. When you're infatuated with someone and you just cannot wait to be around that person again and they feel the same way. I might be touching a little too much on "being in love" with someone which really is only healthy to have in a relationship but isn't strictly required, at least not immediately to "be in a relationship"

Providing you're not too shy, you could try online dating. Its how I met my Fiancee, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Then again I understand sometimes it can be a very weird place for women (I've just heard bad stories about creepy guys sending all sorts of weird messages through dating sites).

Hope this helps :)

[Chen]

She's aware, I don't have these hidden at all. I'm just worried about the habits spreading.


It is. It just seems like what she sees in me is based on a fraud to some extent, starting with how she's under the impression that I'm actually bright.


It's not that A's are given away easily, it's that I know full well that I could consistently have done better in the classes I didn't get them in. Plus, it's a community college, which barely even counts as a proper school, so that it would take about three semesters of straight F's to hit academic probation or whatever isn't really significant. I've been taking college level classes since I was 15, I should be doing better than this.

As Aedilred, stop beating yourself up. While academics are important, I think you're assigning FAR too much importance to them. Bad study habits or lack of straight As doesn't make you a bad person. As Zrak mentioned, a 3.5 GPA (or even slightly below) is still solid. Grades in and of themselves are good for grad school...and that's about it. They're worth almost nothing when looking for jobs or moving out of academia.

Throughout a lot of our young life, grades are pushed and pushed as being be all and end all. It's a difficult mindset to get out of. I'm not saying not to shore up your study habits and buckle down when needed, but you were using fairly harsh language (pathetic, idiot etc) for something that is not nearly as big a problem as you're making it (e.g., sub 3.5 GPA).

The last point is more a relationship one. Don't assume you know better than your partner in how they feel about things. You have a lot of concerns that you are doing things that are harming your partner, despite no feedback from them on it. If it is something you are concerned about, talk to them about it. Communication is key here. You may be right, and your partner may think your habits are rubbing off on them and that you need to work on it. Or perhaps you are completely off base and they are perfectly fine with how things are going. You definitely don't want to be taking actions (breaking up) over something that may not even be an issue. Communicate with your partner.

[Miriel]

I'd say that you find yourself in a relationship with someone when they return feelings of admiration and love. When you're infatuated with someone and you just cannot wait to be around that person again and they feel the same way. I might be touching a little too much on "being in love" with someone which really is only healthy to have in a relationship but isn't strictly required, at least not immediately to "be in a relationship"

Providing you're not too shy, you could try online dating. Its how I met my Fiancee, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Then again I understand sometimes it can be a very weird place for women (I've just heard bad stories about creepy guys sending all sorts of weird messages through dating sites).

Hope this helps :)

Thank you! It does help.

The problem is, I tend to have this kind of feeling with my friends... It makes it hard to see the difference.

I'm attracted to other women, so men need not apply.

[Jallorn]

Thank you! It does help.

The problem is, I tend to have this kind of feeling with my friends... It makes it hard to see the difference.

I'm attracted to other women, so men need not apply.

It is hard to see the difference, isn't it? I think that's a good place to start. Are there any friends of yours that you find attractive that you think might find you attractive? Think about it.

Also, if you do online dating, men will apply anyway.

[Asta Kask]

Also, if you do online dating, men will apply anyway.

I agree; I've seen pictures of her.

[Kalmageddon]

Personally, I would stay away from online dating, it's not for someone without experience and more importantly it's really hard to understand what you are doing wrong.
Best advice I could give, just let it happen naturally. If you find someone you are attracted to, ask them out or otherwise find a way to spend some time together, then if things go well after some time maybe look for more physical contact. Usually in my experience it's never necessary to "confess your feelings", unless for some reason you are really bad at convenying them with facts and body language.

Aside from that, try to be at your best and don't create false expectations.

[Chen]

Personally, I would stay away from online dating, it's not for someone without experience and more importantly it's really hard to understand what you are doing wrong.
Best advice I could give, just let it happen naturally. If you find someone you are attracted to, ask them out or otherwise find a way to spend some time together, then if things go well after some time maybe look for more physical contact. Usually in my experience it's never necessary to "confess your feelings", unless for some reason you are really bad at convenying them with facts and body language.

Aside from that, try to be at your best and don't create false expectations.

If you frequent bars/pubs or are still at school I'd agree with this. If you're getting older and/or don't frequent those scenes as much, I can imagine online dating will be much more successful. The fact she is interested in other women as well would further narrow the field if she isn't going in a targeted dating route.

[Miriel]

It is hard to see the difference, isn't it? I think that's a good place to start. Are there any friends of yours that you find attractive that you think might find you attractive? Think about it.

Also, if you do online dating, men will apply anyway.

Well, in the "friends" category, I have mostly heterosexual women, most of whom are in a relationship. I have a group of lesbian/bi friends, but... I'd rather be friends with them. I'm not "not attracted", but it's really a great relationship as it is. As I said, we're a group.

I agree; I've seen pictures of her.

Personally, I would stay away from online dating, it's not for someone without experience and more importantly it's really hard to understand what you are doing wrong.
Best advice I could give, just let it happen naturally. If you find someone you are attracted to, ask them out or otherwise find a way to spend some time together, then if things go well after some time maybe look for more physical contact. Usually in my experience it's never necessary to "confess your feelings", unless for some reason you are really bad at convenying them with facts and body language.

Aside from that, try to be at your best and don't create false expectations.

How do you "ask someone out"? (It's a real question. I don't know.)

I don't want more physical contact.

Body language is not a strength of mine...

If you frequent bars/pubs or are still at school I'd agree with this. If you're getting older and/or don't frequent those scenes as much, I can imagine online dating will be much more successful. The fact she is interested in other women as well would further narrow the field if she isn't going in a targeted dating route.

I'm still at school, but the semester ends soon, exams are coming, and after that, summer.

What do you mean by "targeted dating route"?

[Eldariel]

If you frequent bars/pubs or are still at school I'd agree with this. If you're getting older and/or don't frequent those scenes as much, I can imagine online dating will be much more successful. The fact she is interested in other women as well would further narrow the field if she isn't going in a targeted dating route.

From what I've seen and heard over my years, actually meeting a person for a long-term relationship in a bar is extremely rare. One-night flings or short relationships, sure, but none of the pairs I know have actually met in a bar (closest is one pair that met at a festival). Common hobbies, studies or events seem more likely to bring people together; bar suffers of the lack of time and the random sample. Even if someone appears interesting to you, there's no guarantee you two actually have anything in common, while hobbies or studies or such pretty much guarantee some common interests (which are usually quite critical for a successful relationship, though as ever there are exceptions).

[Kalmageddon]

How do you "ask someone out"? (It's a real question. I don't know.)

I don't want more physical contact.

Body language is not a strength of mine...

You mentioned wanting to have children, that sort of implies physical contact.

Anyway...
Asking someone out is not different from arranging any other kind of activity. You find someone that wants to be part of it and you decide together when and where. That's it.
Have you ever invited a friend out? Same thing, different end goal. Mostly it's a matter of context. At first you usually just spend time together doing something you like, getting to know eachother better, stuff like that. Then you get more intimate, express your feelings more explicitly and have some sexy times, presumably, even if it seems like you are not interested in that.

I'm guessing that steering the conversation towards the subject of relationships and what you are looking for in a partner might help if you have troubles coveying your interest. You could also try stuff like compliments, but don't go too heavy on that. Though some amount of body language is necessary, if you keep your distance too much it's hard to tell if you are interested and a lot of girls are put off by that, in my experience.

First thing I feel you should do is finding out what kind of people are interested in you, in what you have to offer. When you find your niche in the market it becomes much easier because you know exactly what you have to do.

[Miriel]

You mentioned wanting to have children, that sort of implies physical contact.

Lesbian. In vitro fecundation and adoption are the main options.

*takes in the other stuff* Good tips!

[Gabe]

Personally, I would stay away from online dating, it's not for someone without experience and more importantly it's really hard to understand what you are doing wrong.
Best advice I could give, just let it happen naturally. If you find someone you are attracted to, ask them out or otherwise find a way to spend some time together, then if things go well after some time maybe look for more physical contact. Usually in my experience it's never necessary to "confess your feelings", unless for some reason you are really bad at convenying them with facts and body language.

Aside from that, try to be at your best and don't create false expectations.

Tbh I think this is the best advice, and in hind sight he's right about the online dating thang. And as I previously mentioned it can be a cesspool of less than desirable folk which are never fun to put up with.

Just let things happen and be yourself~

[Sholos]

Online dating is a total crapshoot, in my experience. Either you get lucky and find someone, or you sit and wallow in the reality that you're completely undesirable to anyone on the site.

In other news... What do you do when your only friend is dating a girl that you were previously interested in? Especially when that means you have to be around the two of them constantly while still being completely alone...

[Chen]

I'm still at school, but the semester ends soon, exams are coming, and after that, summer.

What do you mean by "targeted dating route"?

School is a huge plus, especially if you still have more years there. There are tons of social clubs and just general meeting of people that can help with dating.

My targeted I meant things like online dating or speed dating or anything else done with the express purpose of...well dating. Just going out with a group of friends or meeting people at bars/clubs/activities is not inherently about dating. Now in situations like those clearly people do get together. Looking for other lesbians in a non-targeted environment is going to be less common, unless the social activities are notable for being composed of more homosexual women than the average. The odds of being able to simply approach someone in a random situation and start up a conversation that can lead to a date is significantly lower if you're homosexual. It's just a numbers thing. As such, unless you're frequently homosexual clubs/activities or are getting someone to set you up with someone, the targeted dating routes may give better results. At the very least it will give MORE people to at least consider, since you can specify the orientation you're looking for.