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  1. - Top - End - #151
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

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    I think at this point, it is safe to say that I love my girlfriend, though if asked, I'd still go through Hell trying to explain what exactly that means. We've been dating for around 15 months now, and about 8 of those months have been long distance between colleges. Granted, our schools are only a little over an hour a part, but that's pretty hard when you're a college freshman. Still, we've been doing it rather successfully and summer's coming up soon.

    The current issue is, I think my girlfriend is overly-attached/I have too much power over the decisions she makes. We started dating in January of our senior year of high school, and we had both already gotten all of our college applications out of the way. I told her when we started hearing back from places that she should absolutely not choose a college based off of where I was going. It was a relationship that started in the last half of senior year, I wasn't expecting things to last too long after prom. But they did, which is great, but also not so great. It turns out we had applied to three schools in common. The first is Oberlin, the school that I attend, and the second is a school where we both got in to the honors program and both would have received large financial packages.

    The college I attend was my girlfriend's number one pick, though she was not accepted. The second was another of her top choices, and as I said, they offered her quite a lot of financial aid. However, my mother the professor pretty much told me that I could not go to the second school, as it didn't meet her academic criteria. This didn't bother me particularly, as it wasn't really a school I wanted to go to, and I didn't want to go there just so that my girlfriend and I could be some sort of high school-sweetheart power couple. I made up my mind to go to Oberlin, which was rather distressing for my girlfriend. And instead of going to the other school we both applied to, as her parents wanted, she went to a school that was closer. The school she's attending looked nice when she visited, but she rather hates it now, and has talked of transferring. Which is fine, she hates it there and you should at least be able to tolerate your school. She won't though, because she wants us to stay together. Which, while sweet, bothers me.

    Additionally, she keeps talking about the future in ways that make me uncomfortable. Like how she has a plan to be married by 26, and have her first kid by 29. She mentioned that it use to be 24 and 27, but her first boyfriend of two years (whom she never was remotely close to) delayed her plans. She talks about how we both have to apply to the same grad school, or at least, grad schools within the same city. We've been dating for just shy of a year and a half, and I honestly think she plans on me proposing sometime before we graduate. I understand some people have very meticulous life plans, and I love her a lot, but that sort of thing isn't for me and I don't know how to tell her that without upsetting her a lot. Maybe I can't. I'd hate for her to leave, but I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
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  2. - Top - End - #152
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well what is it you want then? Do you want to date other people? Do you want to stay with her? Do you even want to get married? Have children? All these are things you need to answer for yourself and you need to discuss them with her. If you both have completely incompatible goals, staying together may not work out. There is nothing wrong with that, but you don't want to be in a situation where you're lying to yourself (or she is lying to herself) just so you don't break up.

  3. - Top - End - #153
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Part of the problem with "life plans" is... they're ridiculous. Or at least, they often are. You come up with them when you're young and have little experience of real/adult life and you think that you have to do everything right now because once you're thirty you might as well be dead, and you're still half-full of hormones and you're in an environment where the pace of life is really fast and you assume that's going to continue. Occasionally you come across someone who's razor-sharp and super-disciplined and has been running his own business since he was sixteen and has come up with a plan that's credible and rooted in the real world... and then more often than not it still goes to pot when he gets to university and discovers girls and booze and <insert internet time-sink du jour here>.

    And, y'know, even in the rare cases of somebody making a reasonable plan and actually sticking to it, I'm still not sure that's a win. They end up having the life they might have wanted when they came up with the plan, but not necessarily the life they want or need now. They might well have missed out on a whole load of other stuff that they didn't anticipate. Or, worse yet, something comes along that they didn't - couldn't - have anticipated, and renders the plan either unworkable or extremely inadvisable, which can leave them either directionless and drifting or desperately trying to fit round pegs into square holes for the rest of their life and suffering as a result.

    So, while I'm not saying "laugh in her face", I don't think it's something to be overly concerned about from your part. I am a little concerned that she has simply updated her plan with new numbers to account of a relationship that didn't go anywhere. It worries me when people take major life steps (particularly getting married and having children) because apparently they've reached the arbitrary age they thought that should happen at rather than because they've actually met the right person and reached a point in their life where it makes sense. Would she have followed through with The Plan had she and her ex-bf stayed together, even though she wasn't really that fussed?

    Now, making plans to stay in/move to the same city after you graduate... that's perfectly sensible if you're still together - and want to stay together - at the point that it becomes relevant. But if you're a freshman, that's some way off, and there's no point either of you getting stressed about that right now. Setting plans in stone now would probably be a disaster. Both of you will likely grow up a lot over the coming years and you may find that your (and her) priorities have shifted and that you consider different things important by that stage. So just... try to relax. And try to get her to relax, too. There's nothing incompatible about expressing love for and commitment to her, while at the same time suggesting that maybe you slow things down a bit and don't worry about the distant future so much just yet.
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  4. - Top - End - #154
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Not that my opinion is that valuable but I have to kind of agree with Chen. The thing is... if you are not telling her you may live on the off chance one of you will change your mind and then everything will be fine... but more likely she'll at some point (sooner rather than later from your explanation) expect you to ask her and if that doesn't happen you will have to have the talk. Obviously, you can just postpone it like that until she forces you to. And then it might be worse because you "wasted more of her life". I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to do that... Or you could pretend you want to marry her if you haven't changed your mind then which... Well, I guess we don't need to go over that.
    So, in short: I'd say have a sensible talk with her about her plans differing from your plans at this point in your life and see how she takes it. If I was you, I'd rather have her break up with me - if she really is convinced she needs a man who's going to marry her in the next year or so - than worry constantly how long it will last with such a problem hanging in the air.



    That said... I'm being more and more disappointed in myself as a 27-year old unable to get over a stupid crush
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    So, while I'm not saying "laugh in her face", I don't think it's something to be overly concerned about from your part. I am a little concerned that she has simply updated her plan with new numbers to account of a relationship that didn't go anywhere. It worries me when people take major life steps (particularly getting married and having children) because apparently they've reached the arbitrary age they thought that should happen at rather than because they've actually met the right person and reached a point in their life where it makes sense. Would she have followed through with The Plan had she and her ex-bf stayed together, even though she wasn't really that fussed?
    Well setting an age on when to have kids (biologically anyways) is not a bad thing. There are real factors that come into play as you get older. Saying you want kids before you're 30 is not unreasonable. Especially if you want more than one kid and some time between them. Considering how much later people are finishing school, getting married etc, that type of planning is something that really should be considered. Now granted, that's likely not the case here since the arbitrary number was 27 and then changed to 29 due to a relationship falling through, but planning an age to have children at may not in fact be an arbitrary decision. Well unless you want to adopt or something.

  6. - Top - End - #156
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    Well setting an age on when to have kids (biologically anyways) is not a bad thing. There are real factors that come into play as you get older. Saying you want kids before you're 30 is not unreasonable. Especially if you want more than one kid and some time between them. Considering how much later people are finishing school, getting married etc, that type of planning is something that really should be considered. Now granted, that's likely not the case here since the arbitrary number was 27 and then changed to 29 due to a relationship falling through, but planning an age to have children at may not in fact be an arbitrary decision. Well unless you want to adopt or something.
    Obviously, there is a cut-off point for having children, and discussing whether or not you want any is definitely a good idea. But I think setting a specific age to the tune of "must be pregnant before I'm x" where x is not "the point at which it becomes biologically impossible/dangerous" is really asking for trouble, and a recipe for making poor decisions down the line. I think especially since it's taking young people longer to get established these days. You simply can't know where you'll be personally or professionally by the time you reach a given age.

    I mean, I'll be thirty in a couple of months. When I was younger, even up to the age of about 23, 24, I'd been working on the principle I'd be married by the age I currently am and looking to be having children in the next year or so. But now I'm actually here, doing that - even assuming I could find someone to go through with it at this stage - would be grossly irresponsible in pretty much every conceivable way. Even if I were in a financial position to have kids tomorrow, locating a partner, getting to know them to the point where I can realistically assess compatibility, etc. - the odds aren't exactly in favour of getting that right. And ok, I'm a guy, so it's a bit different for me, but I know women my age in a similar position personally and financially, so the same would go for them.

    And even if you do have a partner, I think there'd be the temptation as one of these deadlines approached to try to ignore fundamental problems in a relationship that would/will lead to disaster if left untended because you "don't have time" to start over again with someone better. Which is potentially ruinous in itself.

    Which isn't to say that there aren't plenty of couples out there who are perfectly happy and doing the right thing and making sensible decisions, of course. The problem comes when you delude yourself into thinking that you're in such a relationship when in fact it's really just the clock ticking on a deadline you set before you even met this person and it's apparently them or nothing - and you'd be better off with nothing right now.
    Last edited by Aedilred; 2014-04-08 at 02:08 PM.
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  7. - Top - End - #157
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Gabe View Post
    Tbh I think this is the best advice, and in hind sight he's right about the online dating thang. And as I previously mentioned it can be a cesspool of less than desirable folk which are never fun to put up with.

    Just let things happen and be yourself~
    Nothing is going to happen if I just "let them". I don't meet people. I meet even fewer lesbias. Add in my preferences, and... yeah, I don't see "letting things happen" as a solution.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    School is a huge plus, especially if you still have more years there. There are tons of social clubs and just general meeting of people that can help with dating.
    I have more years because I intend to follow an academic career, doctorate and all. However, this was my last year as undergrad. Next year, I begin in the solitary world of grad studies. And I'm staying at the same school, so I'll know most of the people already. Unless there are some unexpected surprises, there is one lesbian I know, and I'm not really interested. AFAIK, most of the girls I can think of are both hetero and already taken.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    My targeted I meant things like online dating or speed dating or anything else done with the express purpose of...well dating. Just going out with a group of friends or meeting people at bars/clubs/activities is not inherently about dating. Now in situations like those clearly people do get together. Looking for other lesbians in a non-targeted environment is going to be less common, unless the social activities are notable for being composed of more homosexual women than the average. The odds of being able to simply approach someone in a random situation and start up a conversation that can lead to a date is significantly lower if you're homosexual. It's just a numbers thing. As such, unless you're frequently homosexual clubs/activities or are getting someone to set you up with someone, the targeted dating routes may give better results. At the very least it will give MORE people to at least consider, since you can specify the orientation you're looking for.
    That makes sense.

    Speed dating doesn't seem to be the kind of thing I'd enjoy, though.
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  8. - Top - End - #158
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    One of the best ways to meet a partner is through common friends and acquaintances. For instance my friend is an single butch lesbian woman who likes intellectual femme types. If you like writing e-mails and might be willing to visit Malta, then...

    Take me as an example:
    My friend was a genuine lady-killer but married nowadays. He has plenty of beautiful women around him but he's 100% loyal to his wife. Next weekend he's holding a party and I've not been to parties for years... He has already hyped me about the girls who are coming and I hope to meet someone with real intentions

  9. - Top - End - #159
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Stop. Stop right there. No. Do not do this. Brazilian women may be perfectly nice, but you don't need to jump right back into the lion's den of intentionally dating across continents and a major ocean.
    I've been thinking about your words and I have decided to do something.

    Starting now Next July, I will add two numbers to my signature separated by a slash. The number on the right will be fixed and represents the number of local woman that I'm going to ask out. The number on the left will be variable, starting from 0, and represents the times I have failed. Once the number on the left equals the number on the right, the experiment is over and I will forfeit my chances with local women.

    I'm doing this for two reasons:
    1. To try to see what I'm doing wrong. Will there be a common factor in all or most of the cases?
    2. To protect my self-esteem. The general assumption of this experiment is a total failure. Instead of crying, I can always say
    "Well, I was supposed to update that number in my signature anyway!"
    Last edited by Jon_Dahl; 2014-04-14 at 12:52 PM.

  10. - Top - End - #160
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    AtlanteanTroll;

    Your situation is super familiar to me, because I've been on the opposite side. I've been with my current boyfriend for five years. When we'd been together two years I started talking about our future together - not because I was dedicated to that particular future, not because I thought anything was set in stone, but because I, personally, am a planner. I plan things. I like to have a general idea of where I want my life to go in the next 5-10 years even though I know my situation and what I want will probably change before then.

    At the time, my boyfriend freaked out a little bit. He thought I was demanding commitment from him - I wasn't. I was just sharing my ideas and enthusiasm with him. But he started backpedaling, hard, and that freaked me out because I thought he was trying to leave, and we were both unhappy for a little while but communication eventually won out the day and we are still together and glad that we are.

    What I'm saying is don't assume you know what your girlfriend is thinking. Maybe ask her what she means before you go trying to fix a problem that's not even necessarily there. Once that gets worked out the college thing will probably seem less urgent.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    In other news... What do you do when your only friend is dating a girl that you were previously interested in (and knew you were interested in)? Especially when that means you have to be around the two of them constantly while still being completely alone...
    Reposting because I think it got overlooked (not that I blame anyone since it's pretty minor).
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Reposting because I think it got overlooked (not that I blame anyone since it's pretty minor).
    It's not a great situation, but the biggest issue is the "only friend" thing. Even if there was no tension, that would be grounds to try and meet people, do things, and generally make more friends.
    I would really like to see a game made by Obryn, Kurald Galain, and Knaight from these forums.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Reposting because I think it got overlooked (not that I blame anyone since it's pretty minor).
    The situation is not an easy one. At this point you generally need to let go of your interest in your friends now significant other and move on. Not much else you can do unless you're willing to not spend time with them anymore.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    If someone could PM me for some pg-13 advice regarding casual relationships it'd be much appreciated, thanks!
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by SilentNight View Post
    If someone could PM me for some pg-13 advice regarding casual relationships it'd be much appreciated, thanks!
    I can do casual relationships. PM away.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    Reposting because I think it got overlooked (not that I blame anyone since it's pretty minor).
    That's probably a bit of a douche move from your friend, that said, attraction is a selfish emotion, they probably don't give a damn about what you feel, they are buisy being in an engaging relationship between themselves.
    My advice is basically don't be around them, avoid them and try to not care.

    If you are forced to confront them tell them honestly how you feel, their reaction will tell you a lot.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    I've been thinking about your words and I have decided to do something.

    Starting now Next July, I will add two numbers to my signature separated by a slash. The number on the right will be fixed and represents the number of local woman that I'm going to ask out. The number on the left will be variable, starting from 0, and represents the times I have failed. Once the number on the left equals the number on the right, the experiment is over and I will forfeit my chances with local women.

    I'm doing this for two reasons:
    1. To try to see what I'm doing wrong. Will there be a common factor in all or most of the cases?
    2. To protect my self-esteem. The general assumption of this experiment is a total failure. Instead of crying, I can always say
    "Well, I was supposed to update that number in my signature anyway!"
    I couldn't wait and took a head start. I've known this girl for four years, but only seen her casually a few times a year. We studied together and we have exchanged phone numbers, so now I sent her an SMS. I asked her out to the movies (Divergent) and she doesn't even reply. A bit rude, but it's a start.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    How long ago did you exchange numbers? It's possible the person doesn't recognize the name and didn't reply because of that.

    Also asking someone out via text message (or email) doesn't generally go over well. It still seems to be one of those things to either do in person or at least over the phone (voice).

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    How long ago did you exchange numbers? It's possible the person doesn't recognize the name and didn't reply because of that.

    Also asking someone out via text message (or email) doesn't generally go over well. It still seems to be one of those things to either do in person or at least over the phone (voice).
    It's been four years. I saw her today and she did recognise me. She smiled at me and spoke for a moment, so she does remember me. I'm going to assume that she remembers my name too, which was written in the SMS.

    Text messages aren't the best way to ask women out, but I'm shy. I'm certain that if I had acted differently, for instance asked her out today when we spoke face-to-face, the response would've been at least better than what I'm getting now (which is zero).

    TBH the odds were stacked against me from the beginning. I think I've made a poor impression on her at some point and we don't see that often. It's not that surprising that it didn't work, but she could've at least replied something. But hey, it's free world.
    Last edited by Jon_Dahl; 2014-04-14 at 01:43 PM. Reason: Grammar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    It's been four years. I saw her today and she did recognise me. She smiled to me and spoke for a moment, so she does remember me. I'm going to assume that she remembers my name too, which was written in the SMS.

    Text messages aren't the best way to ask women out, but I'm shy. I'm certain that if I had act differently, for instance asked her out today when we spoke face-to-face, the response would've been at least better than what I'm getting now (which is zero).

    TBH the odds were stacked against me from the beginning. I think I've made a poor impression on her at some point and we don't see that often. It's not that surprising that it didn't work, but she could've at least replied something. But hey, it's free world.
    I'm going to go ahead and say that this is okay. Did you maybe lower your chances? Technically yes, but in truth, if you were unlikely to ask in person (at best), then you technically also raised your chances.

    In any case, just getting out there and asking is good. Rejection (if that's what's happened) can sting, but rarely as bad as you anticipate, and it's important afterwards to remind yourself that at least you tried. If you don't try, it's a 0 percent chance of success.

    Well, I suppose not 0, but close enough.
    Last edited by Jallorn; 2014-04-14 at 01:35 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    I'm all right but just a little bit gutted for not receiving any reply. If she has the decency to smile and talk to me, she could at least reply one lousy SMS. With that, I'd be even more all right.

    Thank you for the support guys! It always means a lot to me :)

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    It's been four years. I saw her today and she did recognise me. She smiled at me and spoke for a moment, so she does remember me. I'm going to assume that she remembers my name too, which was written in the SMS.

    Text messages aren't the best way to ask women out, but I'm shy. I'm certain that if I had acted differently, for instance asked her out today when we spoke face-to-face, the response would've been at least better than what I'm getting now (which is zero).
    Unless you talked about contacting her at the meeting and/or talked about already having her number, I suspect a text basically out of the blue asking her out would be taken as kinda creepy. This might be why you got no reply.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    Unless you talked about contacting her at the meeting and/or talked about already having her number, I suspect a text basically out of the blue asking her out would be taken as kinda creepy. This might be why you got no reply.
    It might very well be that I ended up looking creepy. FWIW I did write her a decent text message explaining myself. In other words, the text message itself was meant to reduce the creepiness factor. Nevertheless, this was the best that I could do. Really.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Oh the perils of high school. Not a relationship of mine... or any actual relationship technically but I still feel like this is the best place for it. Anyway, let me launch into it. Apologies in advance for the length.

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    This issue focuses on me and two close friends of mine, though my entire social circle is at least somewhat involved. My friend Jon has harbored a crush on a girl named Emily for a little while. 3 years or so, apparently. Now everyone in the group (besides Emily herself) knew how Jon felt about her, but nobody knew how Emily felt. Fast forward to the current school year. She dated a guy for a few months and it was... not a healthy relationship. She finally managed to call it quits with him, and it just so happened to be around the junior prom asking season. Jon decided to take the opportunity and "prompose", and she said yes. All was well.

    Here's where the problems start. The next day she confronted me about it privately. Apparently the way he had asked her was a bit too romantic, and she wondered if Jon had feelings for her. I ultimately ended up telling her that I didn't know how he felt, at which point she mentioned that she didn't want to be in any relationships for an indefinite period of time after her previous experience.

    I intended to speak to Jon and tell him that Emily was feeling uncomfortable, but he was acting... strange. Apparently, he had taken her agreement to go to prom with him as an agreement to date him, and he was fantasizing about how their relationship would be. I tried to interject about how perhaps he could get clarification about the extent of their relationship (it was a bit too public for me to be as up-front as I would have liked) but ultimately either he didn't hear me or he just ignored me. Later that day, before I had a chance to speak to Jon privately, Chris (another close friend) mentioned that basically everyone in the circle would be happy to see them actually progress into a relationship, and that he would appreciate me not trying to get in the way of that. I agreed to try and keep everyone as happy as possible.

    Eventually I got a chance to speak to Jon one on one. I mentioned that Emily had expressed a certain amount of discomfort about the way he had asked her to prom, and that she was not interested in a relationship and could he please respect that. That was where the excrement hit the cooling device. Jon flipped on me, ranting about how I had no business talking to Emily about relationships (what?) and that I should keep out of his business. I pointed out that Emily had approached me and that I was just trying to keep him from an awkward situation. He yelled about how I was too selfish; how I couldn't stand to see anyone else happier than I was and that was why I was saying those things. I couldn't coordinate my thoughts quickly enough to provide a response to his tirade, and he stormed off.

    Chris later confronted me to basically ask what the hell, and ultimately we agreed I would give Jon space. Chris also got angry with me for interjecting myself into Jon's and Emily's private matters, and refused to take my side. I went to Emily to ask her to express to Jon what she had said to me. She said she'd prefer not to, as she wasn't sure that Jon had feelings for her, and even if he did, she didn't want to upset him unnecessarily. She felt that if she "waited it out" either he'd try to progress things with her and only then would she state her position, or he would get over it and things would all blow over. Oh, and she was frustrated with me for telling Jon what she had said to me, for which I apologised.

    I understand that I probably shouldn't have repeated what Emily had said to me in private, (in my defence, Jon was REALLY creeping me out) but since I can't undo that, how do I fix the situation? Basically everyone involved is mad at me for bringing the issue to light, and it is still unresolved. Jon is apparently too far up in the clouds to acknowledge that I might be telling the truth, nobody in my group will take my side because they all want to Jon and Emily to date, and Emily doesn't want to confront Jon about it. It feels like the well-intentioned messenger is getting killed instead of addressing the actual issue, which he doesn't appreciate .


    Anyway, that's the situation. We're all currently on spring break, which means I have another week before seeing any of these people in person. Unfortunately, it's making it a bit hard to just kick back and relax. Any advice is appreciated (feel free to point out how much of a jerk I am, although I'd appreciate it if a solution was also offered.)
    Last edited by Chessgeek; 2014-04-14 at 03:52 PM.

  25. - Top - End - #175
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Chessgeek View Post
    Anyway, that's the situation. We're all currently on spring break, which means I have another week before seeing any of these people in person. Unfortunately, it's making it a bit hard to just kick back and relax. Any advice is appreciated (feel free to point out how much of a jerk I am, although I'd appreciate it if a solution was also offered.)
    You're a jerk.

    Now that that's out of the way, I have 2 general solutions to problems that I take whenever possible. The first way, removing the source of the problem, would most likely be frowned upon, so we won't go there. The other way is removing yourself from the problem. In this case, from what I've read, simply leaving that group of friends would probably be the fastest and most efficient way to solve this (though it does create the issues of "how do I avoid them" and "where do I get more friends", both of which I never worried about). If that won't do the trick, someone else here may have a more... elegant solution.
    EDIT: For reference, I think you did the right thing.
    Last edited by Woodzyowl; 2014-04-14 at 08:19 PM.
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  26. - Top - End - #176
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Woodzyowl View Post
    .
    EDIT: For reference, I think you did the right thing.
    I don't.
    You might have been well-meaning in doing what you did, but ultimately the reactions of everyone involved should tell you that, yes, you had no business interfering, nobody asked you to do it and most of the times when someone else's relationships are involved you'd better off staying out of it.

    So my advice is just that. Stay out of it, pretend you don't see or hear anything, apologize to your friend and do not give a damn what happens between those people.
    Last edited by Kalmageddon; 2014-04-15 at 02:41 AM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    It might very well be that I ended up looking creepy. FWIW I did write her a decent text message explaining myself. In other words, the text message itself was meant to reduce the creepiness factor. Nevertheless, this was the best that I could do. Really.
    Point wasn't to harp on what you did wrong, but more to give you a heads up for future action.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kalmageddon View Post
    I don't.
    You might have been well-meaning in doing what you did, but ultimately the reactions of everyone involved should tell you that, yes, you had no business interfering, nobody asked you to do it and most of the times when someone else's relationships are involved you'd better off staying out of it.

    So my advice is just that. Stay out of it, pretend you don't see or hear anything, apologize to your friend and do not give a damn what happens between those people.
    One hundred percent agree with this. Apologize and let it drop.

  28. - Top - End - #178
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Well, my fellow Playgrounders, I have to say that I was a bit too hasty. She did answer me today, but relatively late. She's interested in seeing me, but not on the date that I suggested. She wants to suggest a date for us, but later on.

    I have to say that I was 100% certain that she wouldn't see me since she didn't reply me yesterday. I guess I have to get adjusted right away to the fact that she's one of those people who answer very slowly.

    I'm just reeaaaaally happy that I didn't send her any further messages like "Ok, it's fine, you don't have to answer then". I guess I have to learn how to deal with people, right?

    I also have to admit that I feel a bit disappointed that she answered... In a way, I was hoping to end my dreams about her by being rudely dumped, but now the saga continues...

  29. - Top - End - #179
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Thank you all for the responses; I'll see how it goes with the ignorance plan.

  30. - Top - End - #180
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon_Dahl View Post
    Well, my fellow Playgrounders, I have to say that I was a bit too hasty. She did answer me today, but relatively late. She's interested in seeing me, but not on the date that I suggested. She wants to suggest a date for us, but later on.

    I have to say that I was 100% certain that she wouldn't see me since she didn't reply me yesterday. I guess I have to get adjusted right away to the fact that she's one of those people who answer very slowly.

    I'm just reeaaaaally happy that I didn't send her any further messages like "Ok, it's fine, you don't have to answer then". I guess I have to learn how to deal with people, right?

    I also have to admit that I feel a bit disappointed that she answered... In a way, I was hoping to end my dreams about her by being rudely dumped, but now the saga continues...
    She is right, a movie is a terrible first date. You spend the entire time in the dark, unable to speak to each other. For some that may make it seem safe; you can't screw up if you're not talking. But it also defeats the entire purpose of the date, which is to get to know each other. Ask her out for lunch, or some kind of physical activity (bowling, pool are both relatively cheap, or since the weather is getting nicer, spring for an amusement park or tickets to see a local sporting event). Ice skating if that's your thing (she may need to hold your hand for balance, woo!). Physical activities get the blood pumping, that's why people like clubbing (but not me, I can't stand dancing).

    Also, some free unsolicited advice: Don't wait 4 years to ask someone out, it builds up to the point you get nervous and shy and that never goes over well (because nervous and shy is the opposite of confident, which is what women actually like). If you think you might like someone, ask her out right away, and then if she says no (or doesn't respond), no sweat off your back. It also helps you get used to getting shot down. It's going to happen 9 times out of 10 anyway (for whatever reason... she's seeing someone, she's busy, she's a lesbian, she's moving next week, she has to do laundry, she thinks you're ugly, whatever), so you might as well get used to it.

    You did the right thing by not following up immediately on her non-response. She's possibly busy, and you don't want to seem needy and as if you have nothing else going on in your life. You played it cool, which is absolutely the right thing to do. Kinda weird that she said she's suggest a date later on and then didn't. That's almost like saying she'll call you back to end a phone conversation (they rarely do call back). I say follow up on that after like 3 or 4 days if she doesn't get back to you, and suggest a few things.

    If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, get back up on that horse and keep riding! And keep asking people out until someone says yes. You'll learn what works and what doesn't.
    TC for short

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