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2014-04-19, 05:39 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Is it appropriate to "ask someone out" via a social network site, if that person has not expressed the desire to find a mate? (But is single, obviously)
I think I already know the answer (if he were a woman and I a man, I would not even contemplate it), but wanted to be sure it's not just my cowardice that's telling me to leave the poor boy alone.
(We met in real life, only briefly though, and he didn't seem interested. Not sure whether he had a girlfriend then, though.)
My brain keeps telling me that it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good looks and a charming personality must be in want of a girlfriend, but I think I might have read too many Jane Austen novels. Also, I am neither a Jane nor an Elizabeth. Rather a Mary.
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2014-04-19, 10:14 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2012
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- Italy
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
He's probably not interested or he would have asked you out already, maybe with an excuse of some kind if he is shy.
Also, asking someone out via social network is usually not appropriate unless you are already in that context, the request would probably come out of the blue if you two aren't already flirting or something like that, which doesn't seem to be the case.
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2014-04-19, 10:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2005
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- Australia
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2014-04-19, 10:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Avatar by Dogmantra
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2014-04-19, 11:22 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Yeah, I mean, I think it's absolutely okay for a woman to make the first step, but he doesn't seem shy.
In fact, he seems much less shy than I am.
Then again, I have no idea of how men think. So, do they ask out every woman who looks attractive (i.e. for some men that would be almost every woman they meet), or only those with interesting personalities?
I'm quite shy so I probably seem incredibly boring in public spaces (at parties where I don't know many people, et cetera).
So, could there be a chance that he doesn't think me interesting enough to ask me out, but would agree to go on a date if I asked him?
And, most important question: Would he feel seriously molested, or just slightly annoyed at the inappropriateness of such a request?
Are there handsome men who feel molested by all the women who ask them out, or is that something that doesn't happen to men regardless how attractive they are?
(I am rarely annoyed if asked out in a polite manner, since that only happens to me once a year or so and I have no idea of what is appropriate in polite society anyway. I know this is different for most women, and suspect it might be different for some men.)
I rarely take risks and since I'm not getting any younger I think now is the time to start with some moderate risk-taking. But I don't want to take unreasonable risks, and I don't want to cause other people discomfort.
(People I like, that is. As you may know, I am a radical feminist and don't care how uncomfortable that makes sexist men. However, I dread being the female equivalent of the rude macho or annoying clingy "nice guy")Last edited by Themrys; 2014-04-19 at 11:27 AM.
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2014-04-19, 12:23 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
"Men" is not really a thing. It varies from group to group and from an individual to an individual. "Players" in night clubs will most likely hit on the hottest girl they can find; keyword being "hit on", of course. Your average guy will only ask a girl out if they believe they have a chance (male ego is often a fragile thing and being rejected is a huge blow for the ego => many men are afraid to take the risk). Of course, criteria vary but while looks help, I'm expecting most guys to only ask a girl out if the chemistry works out and there are common interests, so as such not immediately upon running into an interesting person.
There is, of course, only one man I can truly speak for with absolute certainty; personally, I will only ask a girl out if I've known them for a sufficient amount of time to know we get along, and am romantically interested in them. I've never yet asked anyone out without knowing them for at least 6 months with significant amounts of interaction: I've seen so many relationships where things went horribly wrong resulting in a lot of emotional trauma that I'm probably way too cautious. Helps me to test the waters, make sure the other party is actually single and that I know what I'm actually getting into, of course. Then again, I've had only 3 proper relationships over the last 8 years none of which amounted to much (though I'm still talking with all of 'em) and two of which were initiated by the girl, so perhaps I could afford to take more risks.
But in my experience, men are often kinda slow and kinda dumb about these kinds of things so even if he doesn't seem shy (drawing off personal experience here: if you knew me, shy would probably not be among the first ten adjectives you'd use to describe me), that doesn't actually mean he has had the courage and the conviction to ask you out even if he were interested in you. In short, it doesn't mean anything or it could mean anything one way or another.Last edited by Eldariel; 2014-04-19 at 12:28 PM.
Campaign Journal: Uncovering the Lost World - A Player's Diary in Low-Magic D&D (Latest Update: 8.3.2014)
Being Bane: A Guide to Barbarians Cracking Small Men - Ever Been Angry?! Then this is for you!
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2014-04-19, 01:00 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
I know that men are no monolith, but since men rarely complain about women hitting on them, I guess there is a slight difference.
Do you know how the "players" react to being hit on by a (not so attractive) woman? Do they complain?
The female ego is, in my case at least, a fragile thing, too.
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2014-04-19, 01:32 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
I wouldn't imagine most men would mind, no; the "player" game is a bit different, of course, since they aren't necessarily looking for anything more than one-nighters, but that's night clubs for you. Outside those, I wouldn't expect to meet that mentality. Like I said previously, two out of my three relationships in the past decade have been on the initiative of the female and while nothing came out of either, I certainly regret neither and nothing would've ever happened there had they not asked me out. Few times I've reacted "poorly" to a girl making an advance on me but that's mostly because I've been so goddamn blind and once because of circumstances. Never have I actually minded it though. But twice there has been a very hurt girl because of my stupidity so I can't claim it's entirely risk-free either. I would like to believe the risk of that grows smaller the older you get though (both of these cases were when I was still in my late teens).
I can't guarantee it'd go smoothly but I can say the reaction would most likely be positive. There's a certain charm to the woman making the initiative, be it breaking the norms, seeing the woman as the active party or whatever, I cannot say. So, I'd say your chances are better this way than they'd be the other way around. I know that's not going to be that comforting but I'd say go for it.Campaign Journal: Uncovering the Lost World - A Player's Diary in Low-Magic D&D (Latest Update: 8.3.2014)
Being Bane: A Guide to Barbarians Cracking Small Men - Ever Been Angry?! Then this is for you!
SRD Averages - An aggregation of all the key stats of all the monster entries on SRD arranged by CR.
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2014-04-19, 02:33 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2011
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- The last place you look
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Avatar by Venetian Mask. It's of an NPC from a campaign I may yet run (possibly in PbP) who became a favorite of mine while planning.
I am a 10/14/11/15/12/14 LG Clr 2
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2014-04-19, 02:54 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Yes, but I think it's more appropriate to approach someone you honestly believe is single than to do the same to someone whose status says that he's in a relationship. The latter could be wrong, too, but I tend to believe people.
And the status has changed recently, at least I guess that from the other things on the profile (Recent events being mentioned, I guess it has been updated recently). Which, of course, may mean that his girlfriend and he broke up recently.
There are people who consider it an abomination to prey on the defenseless prey that is a newly single man, and sadly, I have no idea how long you have to wait. (I mean, I know you have to wait a year before marrying someone else if your spouse died, but that's hardly comparable. Also, my uncle remarried half a year after his wife's death, and I wish some other woman had had the courage to do something inappropriate. I hate the new step-aunt.)
Life is hard and complicated.
I guess I should go back to online dating. I somehow never find a man I consider attractive that way, but at least I know they're interested.Last edited by Themrys; 2014-04-19 at 03:00 PM.
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2014-04-19, 03:04 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Honestly, I wouldn't skip out on this. You're interested in him. That alone is a reason to try. He'll probably tell you if he's not ready for another relationship; that's what happened with the last attempt I made at starting one. It's not the end of the world or even a refusal; more of a "maybe if you wait" (though that's exactly the line I've used to inadvertently break one heart when I just felt I needed a bit of time to process everything so I suppose this, again, isn't that reassuring). If you're not sure about the time, you can wait a month or two, try to keep in touch and see how it goes and provided you're still interested, ask him out then.
If he's truly broken up recently, chances are that's a reason he hasn't made advances - depending on the nature of the circumstances, he might still be dealing with the fallout. Sadly, the time he needs is completely dependent on him, too. Give it a bit of time, try to figure out that he's actually single and then, yeah, FB is no worse than a text message. Neither is ideal but both get the message across. They don't increase your chances compared to doing it face-to-face but they certainly increase your chances tremendously compared to not at all.Campaign Journal: Uncovering the Lost World - A Player's Diary in Low-Magic D&D (Latest Update: 8.3.2014)
Being Bane: A Guide to Barbarians Cracking Small Men - Ever Been Angry?! Then this is for you!
SRD Averages - An aggregation of all the key stats of all the monster entries on SRD arranged by CR.
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2014-04-19, 04:00 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2005
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
I feel more emasculated than Theon Grey Joy.
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2014-04-19, 04:11 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't afford to be too cautious.
I would interpret "maybe if you wait" as a rejection. It's the kind of unclear answer that is often used to not have to say "no" outright.
"Reapply in a month" would be a better answer. Although it might be too businesslike.
Well, I guess I will wait some time and then ask, and if he says something unclear, I'll move on.
After all, Im twenty-eight years old, Ive no money and no prospects. Im already a burden to my parents and Im frightened.
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2014-04-19, 05:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2012
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- Italy
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
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2014-04-19, 05:03 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2005
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2014-04-19, 05:06 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2012
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- Italy
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
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2014-04-19, 05:26 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2013
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- (n) A particular place.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Curses! My life has become a high school Rom Com!
This may be trivial, but it's quite relevant and annoying to me.
Here's the situation.
Me(Dragon), Girl I've been crushing on for 3 years(Cute) My Best Friend(Climber) My second best friend(Mobster) Kid I hate(Actor) Cutes best friend(Writer) Other girl(Artist) Chum of mine(Bro).
So as I said, I've been crushing on Cute for about three years. I've maintained what you might call a Flirtationship, we've gone out a few times, etc, we've been Just Friends, we've been Acquaintances, you know the deal.
She apparently is into me.
However, she is also more into Actor, who actually hits her on a fairly regular basis. (Wtf?) It's a bit of a love-hate thing going on.
Now, Climber is dating Mobster, and I'm happy for them both.
But now I've been told that Climber likes me, and Mobster has turned to me because he feels she's drifting away from him. He's nervous that she's just using him.
Also, Actor expects me to help him in his quest to win over Cute.
In the midst of all this Writer and Artist have also expressed interest in me, though Writer is kinda into Bro as well.
I wash my hands of this weirdness.
I don't really expect too much in the way of help, but it makes me feel better to write about it.
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2014-04-19, 06:10 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
In my case, I wasn't thinking of anything, my exact phrasing was along the lines of "Give me a bit of time to think" the whole situation sent me to a sort of an emotional turmoil and by the time I sorted myself out, she refused to talk to me. So perfect, nailed it, but I was 18 so whatever, I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
You could also just ask him to say "No" if he means it. Being obvious and straight to the point works surprisingly well with at least me.
Heh, I'm on the same boat there; 28, no money, ~3-5 years of studies left and a saturated employee market on my field. The good part is you can afford to take some risks at this point. I'm loving my life as it is now.Campaign Journal: Uncovering the Lost World - A Player's Diary in Low-Magic D&D (Latest Update: 8.3.2014)
Being Bane: A Guide to Barbarians Cracking Small Men - Ever Been Angry?! Then this is for you!
SRD Averages - An aggregation of all the key stats of all the monster entries on SRD arranged by CR.
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2014-04-19, 08:09 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2006
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- Bristol
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
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2014-04-19, 11:58 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2008
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- Seattle, WA
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Short answer, yes.
Longer answer... This is something that, for reasons I couldn't begin to actually explain (to myself, let alone with words), I have had running through my head for a while, and I have a theory on this: everyone falls into one of 3 categories, as far as romantic relationships go. There's the "this person is awesome, I need to ask them out" and the "not someone I'd consider a relationship with" groups, obviously, but at least for me, the middle is it's own category: "not someone I'd ask out, but I wouldn't say no if they expressed interest." Because that probably sounds like a rambling lunatic (which I am, but that's a separate issue), I'll rephrase it: categories are "yes," "no," and "yes, but I won't be initiating." Obviously, it's possible for people to shift between those categories.
Aside from giving you my perspective on your question (the rest of the questions seem to have been addressed to varying degrees), I'm also curious if people think that theory makes sense, is overly simplistic, or is so completely obvious that the fact that I only realized it at 26 says something about me
----
On a personal note, I just got a job (in my field!), so I'll actually have some experience to go with the 4 years of school I'm beginning in the fall. Should also help with the self-confidence thing, which works well since I've given a friend the green light to introduce me to someone. Not sure I expect that to go anywhere (my friend encouraged facebook-stalking before agreeing to be introduced), but it'll be something new for me, so I figured 'why not?'
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2014-04-20, 01:53 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2008
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- PST (GMT -8)
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Just asking for quick advice, if I may please.
I have been having dreams that include the person I had a crush on. (From 4 years ago to 2 years ago) They are perfectly mundane - we study or take a walk or similar - yet they all end with her asking me "why me?". I usually wake up before I answer that question. It's also worth noting that I have not talked to her (saying "hi" included) for over 1.5 years (I still see her around), and I have a happy relationship of over a year.
Do I talk to her (in again, a mundane way)? Do I ignore the dreams?
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2014-04-20, 06:30 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2010
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- England
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
I have a crush on a girl. We've known each other quite a while, cuddled a few times, but usually at their suggestion. When I think about talking about intimidate stuff with them I get overwhelmed with anxiety and can't do it. I suspect it's partially inexperience, I don't how to tell how interested someone is in me, what they're comfortable doing at that moment, and I don't know when it's appropriate to ask.
Any advice?
I'd say trust the theme of the dream but not the specifics. You're brain is trying to derive some greater meaning from that relationship, and how it fits into your life. You don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to, the dream should eventually go away on it's own. Thinking about and interacting with the person might make it go away faster, or slower.Last edited by razovor; 2014-04-20 at 06:35 AM.
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2014-04-20, 07:48 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2006
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- Bristol
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
I concur. In fact the category of "people who you'd go out with if asked but wouldn't ask yourself" is probably larger for a lot of people than "people you'd ask out directly". All sorts of reasons for that. Sometimes people just don't ask if they're not confident of getting a positive answer, to save on embarrassment, risk of upsetting an existing relationship, etc. It might simply be that they're oblivious and haven't really noticed some of these people or considered a relationship with them but when brought to their attention they realise that actually they would be quite keen.
In fact I've been there myself. It took the intercession of a third party to get me involved with my ex-gf, because I'd just never really considered it was even an option. There are friends I have now who I'd probably agree to a date with if they asked me but wouldn't ask myself.
It is worth pointing out that waiting for someone else to ask you is almost always a flawed strategy (and yes, I know that I'm guilty of doing this). If everyone did that, nothing would ever happen. There are some complicated gender politics involved, of course, but then it's probably worth asking yourself whether if this guy will be put off by a girl's asking him out, do you really want a relationship with him anyway?GITP Blood Bowl Manager Cup
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2014-04-20, 08:17 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2008
- Location
- Enterprise, AL
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Ask her out, if a girl is willing to cuddle up in a 'more than friendly' way its typically a sign of availability. Not sure your age or anything but past a certain point women tend to have pretty decent signs if they are interested in someone. Its not always the case, but it does largely hold true. Plus if you like her then its a worthwhile effort to try to make a go of the relationship, the worst thing that will happen is she says no.
As to inexperience... well that is countered by getting experience, I've done a lot in my 34 years and I can tell you the best experiences have come by just putting myself out there. Sometimes it pays off wonderfully and sometimes you end up with expensive scotch (that you just bought) thrown in your face. But even the bad experiences I wouldn't trade for anything, and becomes awesome stories for later in lifeI'm Batman...
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2014-04-20, 08:23 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2013
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
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2014-04-20, 08:29 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
That's not why I want a date, it's why, if I don't get one, I'd go on to marry a Mr Collins. Or, well, probably not, since I can solve the "no money, no prospects" problem without a man, and the prospect of being single at 30 doesn't frighten me enough to make me marry a Mr Collins.
I might marry a Colonel Brandon, though.
(For those who don't know - the "no money, no prospects, a burden to my parents" thing is a quote from Pride and Prejudice. Mr Collins and Colonel Brandon are characters from Jane Austen novels.)
@rogueboy: Thanks. I suspected it might be like this - after all, if you are shy, you won't take risks for just about everyone who seems nice enough to spend an evening with, so there has to be a category of "not handsome enough to tempt me, but tolerable enough to date if she asks".
@Eloel: If you are truly happy in your relationship, and the dreams are not your subconscious trying to tell you that you are not happy, then I'd say, ignore them.
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2014-04-20, 08:46 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2010
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- England
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2014-04-20, 09:22 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
No, of course not.
I am only concerned it might be gender-neutral impolite to ask him out under the circumstances. If his rejection would end with the words " ... had you behaved in a more gentlewomanlike manner", I would be very hurt and embarassed.
Should he, however, tell me, that asking a man out is not "ladylike" regardless of circumstances, it would spare me any pain which I might have felt in being rejected.Last edited by Themrys; 2014-04-20 at 09:22 AM.
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2014-04-20, 09:23 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2008
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- Enterprise, AL
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
lol well that does change the variables a good bit.
Technically asking someone out could end up meaning what ever you are wanting from the situation. If you want a relationship then it means the typical dating thing, and if you are just wanting a physical relationship it can just mean asking for a romp.
Technically you need to figure out what you actually want from her before you can know what you need to ask. After that ask away.
As to being in a relationship currently with another of your friends... if its not something either one is against then I don't see an issue with it unless they have some kinda rules thing in placeI'm Batman...
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2014-04-20, 11:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2010
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- England
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
Polyamory stuff is a problem my brain can handle. I do not know what to do about anxiety.
Explaining how I feel and what I want seems like a generally good idea, but I need to find some way to do it. If I push myself too much, it's possible I could have a panic attack.