The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Mine are all in. I'm willing to take on the next ones that we need, although if someone wants to get them in faster, I'll gladly pass them on.

I'm also planning on going through the older ones and looking for typos and things that we might want to make consistent across the board.

Thanks for your stuff! And by all means, go ahead and put them in or proof read! Great job on your stuff.

Transcriptions from 1061 - 1080 was unclaimed, so I did them too.

All your submissions are up now, you're good to take them down. Thanks again!

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Updated the unclaimed transcriptions. Need claims for 1081 to 1100, and 1101 on.

Anyone interested in giving it a go?

[martianmister]

I can do it.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I can do it.

Sweet! I'll put you in for up to 1100?

[martianmister]

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[martianmister]

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 1090 to 1111
Book 6: Utterly Dwarfed
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Spoiler: Strip 1090

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Not Touching!
Bandana, Flumph, Lass, Roy, Sarge

Roy: Is it going to be a problem with the dwarves that we're flying over their land?
Bandana: Nah. We do it all the time. The dwarves control the mountains and the tunnels, and all the doors into them--but they don't treat the sky above as part of their official territory or nothin'. As long as the Mechane don't touch the ground, they won't bother us none.
Roy: Huh. Interesting. I wonder if that means-
<cutaway>
Sarge: Let 'em thru, lass. Nuthin' we can do.
(S): Let them pass through, girl. There is nothing we can do.
Lass: But Sarge-!
Flumph: Why can't more places we visit treat us this well?
<cutback>
Roy: An couldn't an invader technically levitate their whole army over the-
Bandana: How the heck should I know? They fight trees! Dwarves're nuts!

Spoiler: Strip 1091

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Ready to Go
Belkar, Bloodfeast, Elan, Haley, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Roy: OK, Captain Bandana says we're only about twenty minutes from Firmament. Is everyone ready?
Belkar: Hell yeah!
Haley: I took the arrowheads off a bunch of arrows and sharpened the shafts, so I can shoot vampires right in the heart.
Elan: I ate a whole bulb of garlic!
Roy: Uh, I don't think eating it ahead of time is really going to help us fight vampires.
Haley: In his defense, it totally encouraged me to stay on the other side of the cabin doing the arrow thing while he was resting.
Roy: I stand corrected. Good job, Elan
Belkar: I got daggers and wooden stakes ready to go, Mr. Scruffy is ready, and Bloodfeast the Extreme-inator is on stand-by. He's conserving valuable biting energy by taking a power nap in my Bag of Holding.
Bloodfeast: kwooooooo kwooooooo kwooooooo
Belkar: I'm pretty sure that adorable little noise means, "I'm dreaming of eviscerating all who stand in our way."
Roy: How about you, V? Were you able to trance and prepare new spells?
Vaarsuvius: I was. I eschewed cold-and electricity-based evocations, as my understanding is that vampires are somewhat resistant to both. I also prepared and cast Mind Blank on myself.
Roy: Really? That's great! I didn't even know you knew that spell.
Vaarsuvius: I only acquired it in Tinkertown.
Elan: I don't know what that spell is, but I feel like it's going to lead to a joke about me somehow.
Vaarsuvius: The spell lasts a full twenty-four hours. Unfortunately, it is among my most difficult spells, and I can thus only prepare it twice per day.
Roy: Well, let's see what magical help we can get from the clerics of Thor before we decide on whom you should cast the other one.
Vaarsuvius: I understand and concur.
Elan: But...what does it do?
Vaarsuvius: Mind Blank is a powerful ward that causes enchantments and any other mind-affecting effects-including vampiric domination gazes--to interact with the protected individual as if they were wholly non-sentient. Thus foiling them utterly and protecting the recipient.
Elan: What does "non-sentient" mean?
Vaarsuvius: Without thought. An object. Such as, say, your lute.
Elan: You mean Lutey, the Lute-tastical Lute?
Vaarsuvius: Or your vest.
Elan: Armand Vestinghole?
Vaarsuvius: Or you, apparently.
Elan: Oh, see? I knew we'd get there!

Spoiler: Strip 1092

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Entrance Seekers
Bandana, Elan, Haley, Mateo, Roy

Bandana: <voiceover> There you go, Greenhilt. Firmament's under there, more or less.
Bandana: Hope that magic doodad you got can lead the way to your secret entrance, though, 'cause I can't see squat.
Elan: Oh, he's right here.
Roy: It's supposed to guide me, yeah. I think I just need to concentrate on it. I think...it's wanting me to go right. Maybe over there?
Bandana: Thirty degrees starboard, Mateo!
Mateo: Aye, aye!
Roy: And...maybe down a little?
Haley: I see it!
Haley: <voiceover> The door must be reacting to you using the runestone to find it.
Bandana: Alright, I can get us over to it now.
Roy: Great, thanks. Everyone remember, there are four vampires we need to track down: two men and two women. One is human, three are dwarves.
Elan: Isn't that eight vampires, then?
Haley: I'll explain on the way down, honey.
Bandana: We can hover here for two weeks before we need to turn back for fuel.
Roy: Well, if we fail, the whole world will blow up long before then. Though I guess there's a chance that we stop the vote but still all die in the process...
Elan: OK, Roy, I think we're gonna have to have a refresher on that "hope" thing.

Spoiler: Strip 1093

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Night's Templars
Belkar, Haley, Minrah, Rogo, Roy, Tinna

Haley: Hold up, guys. I want to search for traps.
Roy: Good idea. No handles certainly implies they don't get a lot of visitors through this side.
Haley: Oh, yeah, look at that: Glyphs of Warding, on the middle step. Set to go off for anyone who's not a worshipper of Thor. Should I disarm it?
Roy: No, let's just step over it, if we can. We're breaking into their temple in the middle of the night-even if we did get the key from their boss. Let's not trash their defenses right before we ask them for help. So let's see...no lock, no obvious place to put the stone...Maybe if I just touch it to-
<sfx> CLICK!
Roy: Well, there you go. That was easy. OK, let's find whoever is in charge and-
Tinna: Turn Undead!
Rogo: Searing Light!
Minrah: Daylight!
Roy: GAAH!!!
<sfx> BBBZZZZT!!
Tinna: Get out of here, bad night creatures!
Rogo: Tha assistant overnight caretaker acolytes o' Thor command ye ta begone!
(R): The assistant overnight caretaker acolytes of Thor command you to begone!
Minrah: You should just run away before we use our holy power that we definitely have more of!!
Roy: All I can see are spots.
Belkar: You're not missing much.

Spoiler: Strip 1094

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Face Time
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Rogo, Roy, Tinna

Tinna: Huh. They don't really look like vampires, do they?
Rogo: A lot less pointy in tha mouth area.
(R): A lot less pointy in the mouth area.
Minrah: Just because they're not vampires doesn't mean they're not enemies of Thor!
Roy: OK, we've upgraded from spots to squishy blobs. I think that's progress, right?
Minrah: Why were you breaching our defenses? Why are you skulking around after midnight?
Roy: We're not skulking. It's not automatically "skulking" just because it's nighttime.
Belkar: Yeah! If I was skulking, you wouldn't know it until you were dead.
Roy: I met your high priestess at the Godsmoot.
Minrah: High Priestess Rubyrock?
Roy: Sure. Probably. She gave me this stone so you would know she sent us.
Tinna: Oh! If you were given a runestone, you're welcome here.
Rogo: Sorry aboot the spells. We thought tha baddies found a way to break in tha back door when they couldnae get in that front.
(R): Sorry about the spells. We thought the baddies found a way to break in the back door when they could not get in that front.
Minrah: Just hold on a second. Are we 100% sure this isn't just a ruse to get past our defenses?
Belkar: Listen, honey, it's not like we need your weak low-level ass to-
Elan: Please, we come as allies! Our good friend, a dwarven cleric of Thor like you, was turned into one of those vampires. We followed him here so that we could beat him up until he's alive again. It's kinda the opposite of how we usually do things.
Minrah: Hmmm. Your words are sweet, but your breath is pungent. I doubt someone who stinks of so much garlic could be working with vampires. I believe you, Smelly Human.
Elan: Hooray!
Minrah: Please stop breathing on me.
Rogo: Och, if'n we've decided thar na invaders, can we mebbe bring them inside b'for a real vampire slips in?
(R): Och, if we've decided that they're not invaders, can we maybe bring them inside before a real vampire slips in?
Tinna: Yes, please! I'll feel a lot better when we're back behind a sealed door.
Elan: Lead the way, Tiny Acolyte People!
Tinna: Oh, I'm Tinna, that's Rogo, and she's Minrah.
Elan: Nice to meet you.
Belkar: Ugh, really? I just finished not learning the crew members' names!
Haley: Just be happy our half of the introductions will happen between pages.

Spoiler: Strip 1095

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Name Dropper
Belkar, Blackore, Brother Sandstone, Elan, Minrah, Rogo, Roy, Tinna, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Are you three the only clerics in the temple?
Tinna: Just us acolytes, and some of the civilian support staff.
Vaarsuvius: Where are the senior clergy currently?
Rogo: Mostly at home. Sleepin'.
(R): Mostly at home. Sleeping.
Tinna: The vampires attacked a little before dusk, after most of the staff went home but before we closed the main doors for the night.
Minrah: Almost like they knew our schedule.
Elan: No thanks, we're driving the plot.
<flashback>
Tinna: <voiceover> Brother Sandstone managed to hold them off while we closed the door.
Brother Sandstone: Turn Undead!
<end flashback>
Tinna: He ordered us to seal the door and not open it for anyone. The vampires banged and yelled at the door for a while, but they stopped six hours ago. I guess...I guess Brother Sandstone didn't make it.
Minrah: I am certain he died with honor, fighting to the last breath to protect all within these walls.
Rogo: Why're they here, tho? Wha do they want?
(R): Why are they here, though? What do they want?
Roy: I don't know why they attacked your temple specifically, but they're here to influence this council meeting that's happening.
Rogo: The Council of Clan Elders?
Roy: Yes, that! Do you know where it's being held, and when?
Tinna: Midmorning, is what I heard.
Minrah: There's a dedicated chamber for it in the center of town.
Roy: OK, good. Midmorning gives us some time. But not much. We should still hurry. Every minute we waste is one minute more that Durkon has to prepare his assault on-
<sfx> CLATTA CLANG!
Blackore: D-did ye say Durkon? Durkon Thundershield??
(B): D-did you say Durkon? Durkon Thundershield??
Roy: Um, yes? Do you know him, or-?
Blackore: Curse tha fool! Curse 'im, 'e's damned us all!!
(B): Curse the fool! Curse him, he's damned us all!!
Belkar: See, now why can't anyone react to my name with wailing lamentations? So unfair.

Spoiler: Strip 1096

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Brewmaster's Tale
Blackore, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Priest of Odin, Rogo, Roy, Tinna, Vaarsuvius

Tinna: Brewmaster Blackore, what's wrong?
Blackore: An' ye couldnar e'en stick around ta see wha ye wrought, could ye, Hurak?
(B): And you couldn't even stick around to see what you wrought, could you, Hurak?
Rogo: Ye should sit down b'fore ye get too worked up, sir.
(R): You should sit down before you get too worked up, sir.
Minrah: Wait, Thundershield...is he related to Sergeant Sigdi somehow?
Blackore: Aye, he is. Durkon's her son. 'E were exiled by High Priest Hurak almost 20 years ago, b'fore any o' ye joined tha church.
(B): Yes, he is. Durkon is her son. He is exiled by High Priest Hurak almost 20 years ago, before any of you joined the church.
Roy: Yes, that's him! That's who we're trying to stop. Well, his body, at least. I don't really understand all the details myself.
Blackore: So 'e's finally back ta doom us all. Just like I knew he'd be. I warned ye, ye old fool!
(B): So he's finally back to doom us all. Just like I knew he'd be. I warned you, you old fool!
Roy: Why don't you just start from the beginning, and tell us everything you know about Durkon?
Blackore: Aye. It all started wit a prophecy.
(B): Yes. It's all started with a prophecy.
Roy: I already do not like where this is heading.
<flashback>
Blackore: <voiceover> One day, a priest o' Odin came ta visit Hurak an' told 'im 'e'd foreseen somethin' terrible aboot young Durkon.
(B): <voiceover> One day, a priest of Odin came to visit Hurak and told him he did foresee something terrible about young Durkon.
Priest of Odin: When next he returns home, he will bring death and destruction for us all.
<end flashback>
Blackore: In order ta try an' prevent tha-or at least delay it as long as possible-Hurak had Durkon exiled from dwarven lands. 'E gave 'im express orders ta never return witout permission, an' 'e knew tha lad would obey.
(B): In order to try and prevent that-or at least delay it as long as possible-Hurak had Durkon exiled from dwarven lands. He gave him express orders to never return without permission, and he knew the boy would obey.
Haley: That's how Durkon was sent out?!? That's terrible!
Vaarsuvius: Indeed. Little wonder no recall order was ever given.
Elan: I just thought they, like, lost his dwarf paperwork or something!
Roy: This is...wow. Durkon always wondered why him-what he did to deserve being cast out instead of some other dwarf. And now it turns out the answer is, "Nothing." His life was exactly as unfair as he always feared it was.
Vaarsuvius: There is a certain unfortunate logic to the decision, given the limits of High Priest Hurak's knowledge at the time.
Roy: Sure. He couldn't imagine Durkon, the physical body, returning without the consent of Durkon, the man who would never disobey an order. What gets me is that he never just told Durkon what was going on.
Blackore: Aye. I always thought tha lad deserved ta know tha truth.
(B): Yes. I always thought the boy deserved to know the truth.
Roy: It's not even just that! You've met Durkon! I'm pretty sure if you'd told him it would help innocent people, he'd break his leg trying to boot his own ass out the door!

Spoiler: Strip 1097

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God Forsaken
Belkar, Blackore, Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Roy, Tinna

Blackore: Och, yer right! I shoulda said sumthin'. But Hurak made me swear ta Thor ta ne'er tell another soul unless e' came back. An' tha's why when 'e died, I dinnae say nuthin' ta 'is successor. I've been lyin' ta Durkon's ma an' 'er whole family fer so long. An' it dinnae e'en stop it from comin' ta pass!! 'E's back, an' we're all doomed, an' it's all my fault!
(B): Och, you're right! I should have said something. But Hurak made me swear to Thor to never tell another soul unless he came back. And that's why when he died, I didn't say anything to his successor. I've been lying to Durkon's mother and her whole family for so long. And it didn't even stop it from coming to pass!! He's back, and we're all doomed, and it's all my fault!
Tinna: Sir, don't beat yourself up!
Roy: Yeah, I don't know there's anything you-or Hurak-could have done to stop this.
Elan: It's a classic self-fulfilling prophecy! Just be glad there wasn't a she-wolf involved!
Belkar: Yeah, don't blame yourself, Beer Dude. Blame Odin. If he'd just kept his mouth shut, none of this would've happened.
Roy: Belkar, I don't think that's helping anyone.
Belkar: Since when was that a criteria for me saying something?
Haley: Actually...I think Belkar's right.
Belkar: Yeah, I've always been like this.
Haley: I meant about Odin. Durkon only ever got vampirified 'cause he was exiled--but if Odin knew that was going to happen, he could've just, you know, not given that prophecy. Then Durkon would've spent the last twenty years at home, and Hel wouldn't have gotten a cleric, and the whole world wouldn't be in danger.
Belkar: Exactly! It's like that divine jerk wants the planet gone!
Roy: No, if he did, he could have easily voted in favor of destroying the world, and it would already be done.
Haley: Then why set all of this in motion?
Roy: ...I don't know.
Belkar: I know why: Because he's a one-eyed jackass. I say, screw that guy and the eight-legged horse he rode in on.
Blackwing: OK, that's enough! Try and show a little respect! Odin provides meaningful jobs for a lot of disadvantaged ravens! Plus the god stuff, too, or whatever? I don't know how that part works, I'm a wizard class feature.

Spoiler: Strip 1098

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The Crucial Ingredient
Belkar, Blackore, Elan, Haley, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Haley: Look, he's not my god or anything, but it's a little scary to think that he could've just stopped this from happening and didn't.
Roy: Well...we've already thwarted Xykon's plans three times right? We needed Durkon to pull that off. What if, without Durkon, we all end up dead somewhere in the middle of the first dungeon, and Xykon finishes his plan and take over? Odin might not want Hel to win, but maybe he wants Xykon to win even less. Durkon getting turned into a vampire is just an unfortunate side effect of doing what needed to be done to stop Xykon.
Blackore: Couldnae 'e haf sent one o' 'is own clerics, then, 'stead of ruinin' tha poor lad's life?
(B): Couldn't he have sent one of his own clerics, then, instead of ruining that poor boy's life?
Roy: Absolutely, he could have-if what we needed was a cleric. Not if what we needed......was Durkon. Durkon is the one who talked me into giving the rest of you a chance in the first place, after all.
Haley: When you got killed fighting Xykon, he did snap me out of feeling sorry for myself.
Vaarsuvius: He had nothing but kind words when I was at my lowest, following my...ill advised bargain.
Elan: He convinced Miko that Roy wasn't evil! For a while, at least.
Belkar: I'm not going to say something all poignant, so don't ask....He didn't blame me.
Roy: Any other cleric worth his Wisdom probably would have given up on us for being grossly incompetent, both individually and as a group, but Durkon stuck it out.
Haley: OK, I guess that sorta makes sense, but...if the prophecy is true then we have no chance here. Odin already said that Hel is going to win.
Roy: Did he? His prophecy said there'll be death and destruction-which Evil Durkon is already dishing out. Maybe it's already been fulfilled, and what happens next is up to us.
Haley: So, Odin probably knows what's going to happen next, but we don't?
Roy: Yeah. I mean, same as always, right?
Elan: Also, Durkon was good for a lot of tree-related punchlines at the end of comics like this.
Belkar: I know, right? I feel like me and the bird are working double-time just to pick up the slack!

Spoiler: Strip 1099

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Cool Will Be the Biggest Obstacle
Belkar, Blackore, Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Rogo, Roy, Tinna, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: OK, now we're done with Prophecy Catch-Up Corner, can we please go kill some vampires or something?
Roy: Yes, definitely. We're going to be heading out there to try to track down these vampires and destroy them before noon.
Rogo: We'll offer wha assistance we can, but I dinnae prepare combat spells t'day.
(R): We'll offer what assistance we can, but I didn't prepare combat spells today.
Tinna: And I never do. I'm an astronomer, not an adventurer. (There aren't a lot of dwarven organizations that offer funding for looking at the sky.)
Blackore: We got some potions an' holy ale in tha temple brewery. Help me, lad.
(B): We got some potions and holy ale in the temple brewery. Help me, boy.
Rogo: Aye, Brewmaster.
Minrah: I will join you in your quest! Smashing the forces of Evil is why I joined the temple in the first place.
Roy: OK, great. Thanks. Minrah, right? Right.
Haley: Roy, don't you think this might be a bit above her level?
Roy: Yes, but what am I going to do? Say no? She's an adult, it's the end of the world, and every little bit of help, uh, helps. Plus, do you know your way around here?
Minrah: Don't worry about me, I was a guard before I was a cleric. I'm not the best caster but I have a hammer and I know how to swing it.
Tinna: I guess...I could do your horoscope? To see if this course of action will turn out OK?
Roy: No thanks. I just managed to half convince myself of the existence of free will.
Elan: Awwwww.
Roy: You can do Elan's, if you can get it done by the time they come back with the potions.
Tinna: Do you know the exact date, time, and location you were born?
Elan: Nope! The circumstances of my birth are shrouded in mystery! It's left over from some plot points we mostly resolved last book.
Haley: Let me take your coat, sweetie.
Roy: The runestone I have works on the door leading to the tunnels, too, right?
Rogo: Aye. Ye should be able ta get back in if'n ye need healin'.
(R): Yes. You should be able to get back in if you need healing.
Roy: Let's see...Cure Serious Wounds, Remove Paralysis...whoa, is that a high-level Magic Vestment oil?
Blackore: Aye, some o' them're from me private stash. I gotta Elixir o' Fire Breath fer ye, too.
(B): Yes, some of these are from my private stash. I've got an Elixir of Fire Breath for you, too.
Belkar: Mr. Scruffy calls dibs on the Greater Magic Fang potion!
Blackwing: Darn it! I was really hoping to become a totally cool killing machine with magical razor sharp talons of death!
Vaarsuvius: You should not be concerned. There is far more standing between you and that goal than the absence of one potion.
Blackwing: Thanks, V. You always know what to say.

Spoiler: Strip 1100

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Into the Tunnels
Belkar, Elan, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Vaarsuvius: I see no vampires, Sir Greenhilt, invisible or otherwise.
Roy: Good. They probably got tired of banging on the door and went off to...do whatever it is they're going to try to do, exactly.
Vaarsuvius: I will keep my See Invisibility spell active for as long as it persist.
Roy: Belkar, can you track the vampires that left?
Belkar: Yeah, I don't think it will be a problem. On one hand, they could've just vaped away and not left any tracks. But on the other hand--they left their food wrappers all over the place.
Minrah: *gasp!* Damn them!
Belkar: Wow, she really does not like litterbugs.
Minrah: Oh, Brother Sandstone! Save a seat for me in Valhalla, for I will avenge you! Before I need the seat, obviously! The seat is for later! I guess my point is, I'll eventually need the seat after some other unrelated battle, and I'd appreciate it if it was still available when I got there, in return for me doing the avenging thing for you now!
Elan: And you were worried she wouldn't fit in.

Spoiler: Strip 1101

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Rising Suspicion
Belkar, Blackwing, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Vaarsuvius: Light.
Minrah: What's that for?
Blackwing: Halflings and humans can't see in the dark.
Minrah: Wow, not even the shapes? Not even up close?
Blackwing: They are such limited creatures. I choose to pity them.
Belkar: OK, let's go. I've got the lead. If one of these corpses pops up as a vampire, I want to stab it first. Plus the tracking thing.
Roy: There's not going to be any more vampires, Belkar. The four that escaped here can't have made any more, because it takes three days for a vampire to rise after a person is killed. These dwarves were alive a few hours ago.
Belkar: Wrong! Fake Durkon made a bunch of new ones back in the big purple temple! Now who's the one not remembering the plot?
Roy: Yeah, because he had that staff. It had a special spell in it that sped up the process, but I broke it back at the Godsmoot.
Belkar: Oh. OK, good, then.
Roy: We'll come back and deal with the corpses long before it becomes an issue, if the world doesn't end. Maybe we can even raise some of them.
Haley: I'm just gonna...huh. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I'm just spitballing. You know how Vampire Durkon spent all his time back on the airship using the staff to learn the Protection from Sunlight spell it held?
Roy: Yeah?
Haley: How do we, like, know which spell he was learning?
Roy: ...
Haley: I'm just saying, if I knew my Evil Doom Plan might hinge on me invading a subterranean country, I might not worry too much......about the sun.

Spoiler: Strip 1102

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For the Duration
Blackwing, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Dwarf

Haley: LOOK OUT!
Vaarsuvius: Forcecage!
Vampire Dwarf: Rrrrr!
<sfx> WHOMM! POK! POK!
Blackwing: V!!
Minrah: Thor's ding-a-ling!! One got inside! Leggo!
<sfx> BONK!
Vampire Dwarf: Grrrar!
<sfx> SHTHRK!
Roy: OK...OK, I think we're clear. Quick thinking, V. Are you OK?
Vaarsuvius: I have suffered some reduced life energy, but I believe I will be fine, yes.
Roy: So...it looks like I may have miscalculated the number of vampires. We can't let them drain our levels before we even get to Durkon, so everyone get ready to fight when V's spell runs out. This is one of those spells that lasts twenty-four hours, isn't it?
Vaarsuvius: And yet I feel that if I corrected you now to point out that it will last thirty-four hours, that would be considered too much information.

Spoiler: Strip 1103

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In Force
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Sandstone

Belkar: You've got to be kidding me! We're stuck mint-in-package until tomorrow?!?
Roy: No, you've got to be able to dismiss the spell early, right?
Vaarsuvius: I can, but doing so is not without some risk. Rescinding the Forcecage will require the same mental effort as casting a new spell--giving our would-be desanguinators a few brief moments in which to swarm us before I can recover and cast an offensive spell.
Vampire Sandstone: And we'll be ready when you do, elf. Master told us to come for you first.
Minrah: Brother Sandstone!!
Vampire Sandstone: Hello, Minrah. It was very difficult to keep myself from biting your face off, but Master gave us explicit instructions to lay still. But if you kill the elf for me now, we can escape to another plane together while this world burns.
Minrah: Unnnh...
Vampire Sandstone: Think how many demons you could kill if you had eternal life!
Roy: No! Close your eyes! He wants you to knock out Vaarsuvius so the Forcecage can't be dropped and we're trapped in here! In fact, everyone close your eyes! They can't use their gaze attack if you can't see them!
Elan: Got it, RoY!
Haley: So, I can't help but feel like maybe we've taken a step backwards here.

Spoiler: Strip 1104

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Plan of Inaction
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Sandstone

Vaarsuvius: Sir Greenhilt, given the protection of my Mind Blank spell, I request permission to open my eyes.
Roy: Right, right. Go ahead. What do you see? Any changes?
Vaarsuvius: We are still surrounded by vampires. The cat stopped licking itself.
Roy: OK, then cast your second Mind Blank spell on me.
Vaarsuvius: I understand. Mind Blank.
Minrah: I have Protection from Evil prepared. It's not as good, but it should block the mind control thing for a little while.
Belkar: Yeah, uh, I bought something like that. Protection from Mind Whammy or whatever.
Roy: OK, great. That leaves Haley and Elan.
Haley: I'm willing to take a few shots in the dark, as long as no one complains if they get an arrow in the butt.
Elan: I don't need to see to sing! Unless it's a new song that I'm reading from sheet music but this doesn't seem like a good time for that.
Vaarsuvius: I should mention that I do have one spell prepared in an expedient manner that would allow for quickened casting while I simultaneously dismiss the Forcecage.
Roy: Really? Great! Why didn't you say so before?
Vaarsuvius: The spell in question is Fireball.
Roy: Ah. So if you cast it to hit the vampires currently surrounding us, we're all going to get burned, too.
Vaarsuvius: Precisely.
Roy: Well...we're not going to get out of this jam without some damage, and I'd rather get a little singed than have our lifeforce drained. When you drop the cage, cast it on-
Vampire Sandstone: Mass Resist Fire!
Roy: Goddamn it!
Vampire Sandstone: Also, when the wizard is down, focus on the archer and the bard next. They will be unable defend themselves properly with their eyes closed.
Belkar: Nice job announcing our strategy, Roy.
Roy: And whose fault is it that I'm not used to anyone actually listening to anything I say?
Elan: Ooooo! Ooooo! Is it me? I bet it's me.

Spoiler: Strip 1105

Show

Out of the Box, Into the Fire
Belkar, Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Hilgya, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Sandstone, Vampire with Beard 1, Vampire with Beard 2, Vampire with Ponytail

Hilgya: Hello? Excuse me, is this the way to the temple of Thor?
Roy: Huh? Who's that?
Elan: Well, it's not a black speech balloon, at least.
Haley: How can you know? Our eyes are closed.
Elan: I can tell by how it sounds.
Vampire Sandstone: Looks like we'll have another minion to present to the Master. You, with the beard!
Vampire with Beard 1: Me?
Vampire Sandstone: No, the other one. Go grab her and bite-
Roy: NOW!
Minrah: Protection from Evil!
Vaarsuvius: Dismiss Forcecage!
Belkar: Nnnnh!
Elan: <singing> Take, take, take, take advantage of the unplanned momentary distraction!
Blackwing: Up! Up! Come on!
Vaarsuvius: Aaah!
Vampire Sandstone: Flame Strike!
<sfx> FWOOOSH!!
Roy: OK.
Belkar: Screw you! And you! And especially you!
Vaarsuvius: Magic Missile.
Roy: Quick, someone needs to go protect that innocent woman!
Blackwing: Actually, she seems to have it under control. Look!
Hilgya: Turn Undead!
Vampire with Beard 2: Run Away!
Vampire with Ponytail: Mist! Mist out and find the Master!
Minrah: Ma'am?
Roy: Do we have any idea how many got away?
Vaarsuvius: At least four that I observed.
Belkar: *whew*
Haley: Kinda hard to tell the difference between dusting them and them bugging out.
Elan: On the plus side, it's nice to kill something that cleans up after itself.
Minrah: Ma'am, the church of Thor apologizes for any inconvenience you may have experienced while seeking Thor's holy guidance outside of regular business hours.
Hilgya: It's OK, I wasn't looking for Thor...I was told someone here needed help murdering Durkon Thundershield.

Spoiler: Strip 1106

Show

Answering the Callback
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Hilgya, Hilgya's Baby, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Hilgya's Baby: Gwah? Gwah!
Hilgya: Not now, sweetie. Mommy's making a dramatic entrance.
Elan: Hilgya?!? What are you doing here?
Hilgya: Loki sent me, in answer to my prayers.
Elan: That's great! We totally need a cleric. No offense Minrah.
Minrah: None taken.
Roy: Wait, who is this? What's going on?
Elan: Roy, don't you remember? She was the nice one in the Linear Guild.
Roy: Oh, was she? I was in the gladiator arena for that whole battle.
Elan: No, before that.
Roy: I missed a lot of what happened in Cliffport, too.
Elan: Before that! She's OG LG!
Hilgya: Hey, I'm not associated with Nale anymore. That jerk left me behind in the dungeon, and I had to find my own way out.
Elan: It's OK, he's dead now, anyway.
Roy: I should probably be more suspicious of this, but I'm not going to complain if you're here to help save the world.
Hilgya: Save the what, now?
Roy: The world. That's why Loki sent you, right? Because he heard my pleas for aid at the Godsmoot?
Hilgya: Sorry, I don't know anything about that. I've been praying every night to learn the location of Thundershield, and last night Loki finally answered.
Roy: Huh. I guess he found a way to send help that wouldn't get the other gods mad at him.
Haley: Leave it to Loki to find a loophole in the rules. Hey Hilgya, we just need to have a quick conference over here to discuss some strategy concerns, OK? Just like two minutes.
Hilgya: Sure thing. No rush. It's not like I would've been getting any sleep at this hour anyway.
Haley: <whispering> OK, guys, here's the thing: That baby is definitely Durkon's kid, right?
Elan: <whispering> Oh, 100%. Absolutely.
Belkar: <whispering> I can't believe that bearded bastard slipped one past the guardian.
Vaarsuvius: <whispering> I wish to argue that none of you possibly have enough evidence to jump to this conclusion, but experience has taught me that only guarantees it to be the case.

Spoiler: Strip 1107

Show

Babysitter Club Flush
Hilgya, Minrah, Roy, Belkar, Kudzu, Haley

Hilgya: So, you're Durkon's flavor of the month? I guess he likes blondes.
Minrah: Excuse me?
Hilgya: Listen, sister, I know he seems nice, but he'll use you and toss you aside once he's had his fun.
Minrah: Ma'am, I have literally never met this man. I joined up ten minutes ago to fight bad guys.
Hilgya: Oh. Well, the advice still applies. He's a pig.
Minrah: I will, uh, keep that under advisement. Thanks.
Roy: OK, here's the deal: Durkon was turned into a vampire so he's evil now and trying to destroy the world. We're going to stop him.
Belkar: You want in, or nah?
Hilgya: Feh. I shouldn't be surprised that a man so deeply unscrupulous would embrace such a descent into unnatural depravity.
Roy: Huh?
Belkar: Are we 100% sure that "Durkon Thundershield" isn't just, like, a super-common name?
Hilgya: I'll help you, and if I get to break some skulls in the process, so much the better. Loki hates the undead, you know. His scriptures teach us that lo, they are such gross, icky things.
Kudzu: Tunn unn deh! Tunn unn deh!
(K): Turn undead! Turn undead!
Roy: Great. Glad to hear it. I'm sure the priests inside the temple can take care of your little one.
Minrah: Rogo has three little ones at home, he'll be happy to help out.
Roy: There you go.
Hilgya: Excuse me? No. I'm not leaving little Kudzu alone with a bunch of Thor flunkies.
Roy: Well you can't exactly bring him into battle with you against a bunch of vampires!
Hilgya: How about you not tell me what to do, human? How about that?
Roy: We already lost Durkon, we can't lose his - I mean, your - son next!
Belkar: So we're just going to glide right paast the fact that she named her kid, "Kudzu"? We are? Ok.
Hilgya: Look, I'm a powerful cleric with a ton of high-level abjuration spells. He's safest right here with me, where I can keep an eye on him. If that's a problem with you, I can go find Thundershield on my own. Now come on. If we're going, let's go. I just fed him and I want to get this done before he gets hungry again.
Belkar: I guess the Church of Loki doesn't provide much in the way of on-site childcare.
Haley: Well, they have it, but let's just say it doesn't exactly come highly recommended.
<cutaway>
Cleric of Loki: Call.

Spoiler: Strip 1108

Show

Boys Don't Scry
Hilgya, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Hilgya: So, where are we heading, exactly?
Roy: Well, uh, we're not really sure.
Belkar: We tend to play this stuff by ear a lot.
Roy: We know that Durkon has a plan to influence the Council of Clans to vote for...a thing that's kind of a big deal. We were going to head over to the chamber where they hold that vote and kind of look around a bit.
Hilgya: That's it? That's your plan?
Roy: I hear what you're saying, but you have to understand it's been a shockingly effective strategy for us in the past.
Hilgya: That's silly. If you don't know where someone is, you cast a spell to locate them.
Belkar: Says the chick who needed her god to personally tell her where the same guy we're looking for now was.
Hilgya: Hey, don't think I didn't try that. The scrying spell is resisted by the subject's subconscious mind. Durkon's uptight rule-worshipping little brain is apparently perfectly capable of keeping me from getting a fix on him. But! I can increase the spell's potency a whole lot by channeling it through part of his body.
Roy: Unless he exchanged kidneys with one of us in lieu of a BFF necklace, I doubt that'll help.
Hilgya: It doesn't have to be, like, an organ. Hair will do, or toenail clippings.
Roy: Damn, I trimmed a few inches off his beard when we fought. I should have grabbed some.
Belkar: I'm really glad that never occurred to you.
Vaarsuvius: Actually...I believe Miss Starshine likely possesses an appropriate bodily fluid.
Hilgya: Oh, I should've known. He just couldn't keep it in his pants, could he? Even with his co-workers.
Haley: What?! No! And also, ewww. I don't -
Vaarsuvius: Allow me to explain before this conversation degrades further into sitcom-level farce.
<flashback>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> She was the final member of our group to allow herself to be bitten by the vampire before we arrived at Zenith Peak. As a result, her body has the greatest chance of containing trace amounts of whatever necrotic substance serves as the vampire's saliva within her bloodstream.
<end flashback>
Vaarsuvius: Therefore, she has a reasonable likelihood of serving as a viable channeling medium for the spell's energy.
Haley: That is brilliant, V! Completely gross, but brilliant!
Hilgya: Worth a shot, I guess. Better than just wandering around hoping to stumble on a clue.
Roy: Ok, but let's be clear that there would've been a better than even chance of a villain bursting in on us the other way, too.
Elan: It's just like the bardic philosophers say: Narrative abhors a vacuum!

Spoiler: Strip 1109

Show

Spy Bowl
Hilgya, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing, Vampire Durkon, Belkar

Hilgya: Ok, girls, we've got a nice bowl of Anarchic Water ready, so let's do this. Greater Scrying! Gotcha.
Haley: What is he doing? Hanging on the ceiling?
Hilgya: He's writing something.
Minrah: ...That's a Symbol of Death.
Roy: That sounds fairly ominous.
Vaarsuvius: It is likely of little concert for someone of your general heartiness, but could easily extinguish someone frailer - myself, Miss Starshine, or the bard, for example.
Blackwing: And maybe even have enough juice left over to take down me, the cat - and the baby.
Haley: Can we see where he is? Can you, like, pan left on this thing?
Hilgya: Not really. I'm locked in on him.
Minrah: Wait, he's moving!
Haley: He's giving orders to the other vampires.
Hilgya: Everybody shush!
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: - and if you're not a spellcaster, hang on the ceiling and drop down on the elf. Some of you still have fire protection, but if you don't, we'll get you sorted before they arrive.
<cutback>
Haley: Those three on the right were here, so Durkon knows we survived the ambush. Well, the first ambush, sounds like.
Minrah: Hey, I know that fireplace! That's the old banquet hall!
Haley: Now he's casting a spell...
Minrah: We used to go there all the time after services.
Roy: So you can lead us there? That's great.
Belkar: Good, 'cause tracking is a lot harder without a trail of corpses.
Blackwing: Is that why you're always leaving one behind you?
Belkar: Sure.
Roy: Ok, this is good. We know where we're going now, and we don't have to rely on dumb luck - or our other main method for finding our way.
Minrah: Which is what?
Roy: Waiting for the villain to taunt us and tell us where they are.
Vampire Durkon: Hello, Roy.

Spoiler: Strip 1110

Show

The Perfect Strategy
Vampire Durkon, Roy, Haley, Beklar, Minrah, Hilgya, Blackwing, Elan

Vampire Durkon: You escaped my spawn -
Roy: Hey, I'm getting a Sending spell from him right now!
Haley: Yeah, we know. We can hear him talking on this end.
Vampire Durkon: You escaped my spawn - but if you want a rematch, I have time to kill. Banquet hall, one level down. Whenever you're ready.
Roy: We'll be there! Just as soon as we figure out where that is. And drink some potions.
Belkar: This sucks! I thought we were gonna get the drop on Count Clownshoes and go all ninja stealth kill - but now he's waiting for us so he can spring a big trap!
Roy: Now we know he's springing a trap.
Belkar: Anyone would know that! He wasn't super subtle about it, so what benifit did we get from Dwarf Mom's Greater Peepin' spell??
Roy: Ah, but he doesn't know that we know that it's a trap - and even if he did know, he doesn't know we know that he thinks he knows what we don't know.
Belkar: Sometimes I miss when you didn't bother explaining stuff to me.
Roy: We watched his exact preparations, while he's just guessing at what we'll do. That gives us the edge.
Minrah: Especially since he doesn't know you have two clerics!
Roy: Exactly! That's why I lied about us needing some potions.
Hilgya: I can cast Death Ward on your wizard before we attack, since we know that's who they'll be targeting.
Blackwing: You got a Restoration for the energy already lost? My elf got jacked up back there.
Hilgya: Sure.
Belkar: Hmmm. Alright. Should Haley cosplay as Space Ghost again, then? That worked great with the giants.
Haley: Nah, Sneak Attack doesn't do much against people whose vitals...aren't. But Elan and I do still need a spell to keep the swirly eyes away.
Hilgya: I have a wand of Protection from Law. I can tap everyone with it right before.
Roy: Perfect! Although, maybe skip me. I'm already protected, and I'll just end up with a splitting headache because I'm -
Elan: Whoa, whoa, who [sic], Roy. Hold on just one moment. Are you telling me that we're going to plan out the skills, equipment, and magic abilities we're going to use in advance, rather than rushing in and winging it?
Roy: Uh, yeah, Elan. That's the general idea.
Elan: Roy, you're brilliant! If he's relying on Durkon's memories, he'll never see that coming!!

Spoiler: Strip 1111

Show

She Really Doesn't
Vampire Durkon, Vampire with Brown-hair, Vampire with Blue-hair, Vampire Gontor, Vampiress with Short-hair

Vampire Durkon: I think that went pretty well. With no clerical magic to protect them, our traps should weaken Roy and the others just enough for us to crush them before dawn.
Vampire with Brown-hair: But...Master, there was a cleric with them!
Vampire with Blue-hair: She burned us with the bad light!
Vampire Durkon: What?? Who? Describe her!
Vampire with Brown-hair: She had fair skin and yellow hair, and heavy armor.
Vampire with Blue-hair: And a helmet!
Vampire Durkon: Ah, OK, right. One of the lesser priestess [sic] of Thor. I saw her before they sealed the door. I was worried there for a minute.
Vampire with Blue-hair: No, no. I mean, yes, she was definitely there, but -
Vampire Durkon: Don't worry. She might be strong enough to bother you spawn, but she is far too weak to pose a threat to the rest of us. Exarch, how is your studying going?
Vampire Gontor: Well, Master! I am almost done reading.
Vampire Durkon: Good. The council of clans is governed by a strict set of rules, much like the Godsmoot was. If we follow them to the letter, those rules will shield us from our enemies even as we work to destroy them. The downside is that it means we need to destroy Roy and the others before the meeting begins.
Vampire Gontor: I look forward to helping you snuff out the lives of your host's friends.
Vampire Durkon: I appreciate your enthusiasm, but that's not the job I have for you. I need you to head over to the council chamber and begin preparing for the vote.
Vampire Gontor: What? Master, no! My rightful place is at your side, executing your commands and/or former colleagues!
Vampire Durkon: Normally, that would be the case, yes, but we cannot risk our unholy mistress' plans being disrupted. Begin the preparations for the vote, and I will join you later.
Vampire Gontor: *sigh* Yes, Master.
Vampire Durkon: And you know what? Take the other one here with you.
Vampiress with Short-hair: Hey, I have a name, you know.
Vampire Durkon: Do you, though? Do you?
Vampiress with Short-hair: ... No.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Thank you, Martian! All are up, so you can get rid of the repeats in your posts! That puts us back up to date!

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Hey folks, so we've gotten a little behind with the transcription! Anyone interested in helping out?

[Aveline]

Hey folks, so we've gotten a little behind with the transcription! Anyone interested in helping out?

I can claim #1107-#1110. If no-one else claims the rest, I'll come back.

I noticed that on page 1 there was some desire to change the transcription formatting. If that's still an issue I might be able to help with that too (it need not be done manually).

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I can claim #1107-#1110. If no-one else claims the rest, I'll come back.

I noticed that on page 1 there was some desire to change the transcription formatting. If that's still an issue I might be able to help with that too (it need not be done manually).

Welcome to the transcription! We've pretty much settled that conversation (which was about 4 years ago) but if you find anything you have a question about or want to put your 2 cents in on, I'm all ears! Ultimately the desire has always been the least amount of characters per page while also allowing the transcription to be legible and usable. I think we've hit a good balance.

Also, thank you very much for tackling some of the strips! Once you have em done, just PM them to me, and I'll go over it and add them to the transcription.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Updated to 1110! Any other takers?

[Aveline]

I suppose I can go ahead on #1111-#1115. It's actually kind of fun...

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I suppose I can go ahead on #1111-#1115. It's actually kind of fun...

Right? It's yours! Looking forward to it. Also its nice to be derusting after letting the comic catch up with us! I'd do it myself but these days are busier than they used to be.

[martianmister]

I can do the rest, if you want.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I'll put you up for them! Thank Martian! Also, bumping out a new post.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 1112 to 1128
Book 6: Utterly Dwarfed
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 1112

Show

And Maybe a Change of Shoes
Vampire Durkon, Durkon, Priest of Thor, Vampiress with Long-hair

Vampire Durkon: I have to say, I'm really looking forward to the neverending misery of Hel at this point. The place, not the goddess. I imagine she'll be fairly chipper.
Durkon: Och, tha's it. Thar be some memories e'en a misb'gotten thing such as yerself should ne'er be subject to...but wit tha fate o' tha world in tha balance, I haf na choice.
(D): Oh, that's it. There are some memories even a misbegotten thing such as yourself should never be subject to...but with the fate of the world in the balance, I have no choice.
<flashback>
Priest of Thor: Ok, everybody. Hello and welcome to your first day as an official cleric of Thor. I'm going to show you around the private residence of the temple, where you'll be living while on call - and then Sister Silverboot from Accounting will talk to you about your tax witholding [sic] paperwork.
<end flashback>
Vampire Durkon: Unholy Hel! Is that... is that a workplace orientation seminar?
Durkon: Ye haf only yerself ta blame.
(D): You have only yourself to blame.
<flashback>
Priest of Thor: Just past the Wall of Names of Very Rich Donors, we have the break room. Now please pay attention, as this may be the most important thing I tell you today: Make sure you inscribe your personal rune on any food you leave in the Box of Freezing, or we're going to throw it out on the 1st of the month. And clean up your crumbs. We don't want another infestation of celestial roaches like last year.
<end flashback>
Vampire Durkon: Nice try, but vampires are immune to sleep and confusion effects. But by all means, keep it up. It's very reassuring that when your friends' lives are on the line, you have nothing but inane memory pranks.
Durkon: ...
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Hey, does your host keep trying to show you irrelevant memories to distract you?
Vampiress with Long-hair: Nah, she's pretty chill about the whole thing. Turns out she was repressing some major evil tendencies her whole life.
Vampire Durkon: She doesn't even do that thing where she pretends she's horrified while being secretly thrilled?
Vampiress with Long-hair: Nope, she's just down for whatever. It's great!
Vampire Durkon: Ugh, I'm so jealous. You wouldn't believe what I'm dealing with up here.
Vampiress with Long-hair: Listen, after we're done here, me and her are gonna go try some messed up stuff she's been thinking about for like a bajillion years. Want to come with?
Vampire Durkon: Eh, might as well, if Hel doesn't have other jobs for me.
Vampiress with Long-hair: Cool. You're gonna want to bring a poncho, FYI.

Spoiler: Strip 1113

Show

On Her Honor
Elan, Hilgya

Elan: Thanks again for helping us out on our upcoming big battle scene, Hilgya.
Hilgya: You're welcome. To be honest, I still feel kinda bad about getting you stabbed by your brother.
Elan: It's OK, I've been stabbed way worse by an immediate family member since then. Also, don't take it personally if Haley says or does something that implies she doesn't trust you. You have no idea how much progress her not saying so to your face represents.
Hilgya: Ha, it's fine. I'm a cleric of Loki, I'm used to not being trusted.
Elan: Is it hard? Worshipping Loki doesn't seem very...I dunno...dwarfy.
Hilgya: That's what everyone says, but I'm a dwarf, so it must be. Humans, you have it easy. When you die, you go to whichever Outer Plane best fits your beliefs or whatever. For us, we have to be "honorable" or we end up enslaved by Hel - even if we think the concept of honor is a steaming load of gorgon poo.
Elan: That doesn't sound fair.
Hilgya: Exactly! It's not. It's not fair at all. It's a totally bogus deal we didn't choose, and it shapes everything about our lives and culture. But it'll be OK, 'cause there's a loophole. And that loophole is named Loki. See, Loki is dishonorable - it's one of his most essential traits. If I live my life however I choose, breaking rules and ignoring stuffy oath traditions, and then I die with dishonor...Well, I was just following the path my god had laid out for me! Nothing more honorable for a cleric than living your god's truth, right? That should punch my ticket for Valhalla, easy peasy. The cool lounge upstears, not the lame beer hall where everyone yells all the time. It's very chill, and I hear they have bottle service. And that's why it's important for me to spread the word of Loki to other dwarves: so they can opt out of this terrible system, too. Every dwarf I convert is another dwarf saved not just from Hel, but from the tyranny of honor that limits who and what we can be.
Elan: That's great, Hilgya! I would've thought they'd get mad at you for cheating the system.
Hilgya: That's the beauty of it! Cheating systems is even more honorable for followers of Loki! It's like our main purpose!
Elan: But wait! You're on your way to help save the world. You might die regular-honorably and betray Loki's teachings!
Hilgya: Yeah, but I'm doing it for petty, self-serving reasons. I like my chances.

Spoiler: Strip 1114

Show

Better Served Cold Anyway
Hilgya, Elan, Ivan, Announcer, Firehelm with Short-beard, Hilgya's Eldest Brother, Firehelm with Braids

Hilgya: And really, I have your people to thank for my understanding of Loki.
Elan: Puppeteers?
Hilgya: Humans.
Elan: Oh, that was going to be my fourth guess.
Hilgya: Obviously I learned about Loki and the rest of the Northern gods in school, but I didn't really grasp his wisdom until I spent some time with humans. See, I ran away from dwarven lands when my family forced me to...well, it's a long story.
Elan: If it would help, we can just skip any background exposition you've already delivered once.
Hilgya: Oh, yeah, that would be a real timesaver. Thanks! After Durkon and I...After the dungeon, I returned home. As much as I like humans, I missed having stone over my head. That's when I realized my husband Ivan had never really been the problem.
<flashback>
Hilgya: <voiceover> I'd lashed out at him as a girl, but he had also been trapped in that marriage by his highborn clan.
Ivan: You're back! You were in the bathroom a really long time.
Hilgya: <voiceover> Trapped by honor and tradition and possibly an undiagnosed brain injury, rather than by crossbows and padlocks like I was, but still.
<end flashback>
Hilgya: I also know that with a child on the way, I knew it was time for me to settle things with my family once and for all. Luckily, my eldest brother has always had a weakness for the races.
<flashback>
Announcer: - and "Desert Rider" edges out "Jiggly Picasso" for the win! What an upset, at 70-to-1 odds!
Firehelm with Short-beard: Everything?? You bet our entire family fortune on one gelatinous cube race??
Hilgya's Eldest Brother: You don't understand! Mother appeared to me in a dream, looking just like she did right before you were born. She told me to bet it all on #8!
Firehelm with Braids: Oh gods, we're gonna be caveless.
Hilgya: <voiceover> All it took was a wig, a strong family resemblance, and a Dream spell, and he took the bait. Fixing the race was harder, but it had its own benefits.
<end flashback>
Hilgya: With my winnings, I was able to hire two very nice human lawyers, and Ivan's family was so scandalized by my clan's sudden destitution that they didn't contest the divorce. Now I'm free to raise my son and spread the word of Loki without anyone telling me what to do!
Elan: I'm glad everything's going great for you, Hilgya!
Hilgya: Yeah, it turned out much better than my first idea of setting their clan hall on fire in the middle of the night would have.
Elan: Uh, yeah. That would've been bad.
Hilgya: Right? Breathing in all that smoke would have been terrible for Kudzu's developing lungs. I had to remember, I was avenging for two!

Spoiler: Strip 1115

Show

It's Never Failed Before
Belkar, Minrah

Belkar: Are we there yet? I want to chop some vampire heads off already.
Minrah: Oh right, that's one of the ways to kill them for good, right? Then you fill their mouths with holy wafers.
Belkar: Is it? More of an all-purpose thing for me.
Minrah: Anyway, it's just a little further down this hallway.
Belkar: Good. Good, I'm glad.
Minrah: Hey, so, this isn't the part of being a cleric that I'm normally good at, but...this seems a little bit personal for you.
Belkar: Of course it's personal! That thing drank all my blood and threw me out of a window! Not at the same time but still!
Minrah: Oh! That makes sense. I thought it was that you were worried about your friend.
Belkar: What? No! He's more of a co-worker anyway. Stupid hairy self-sacrificing co-worker. I mean, if I was worried about him - which I'm not - it would be a total waste of energy, right? It's not like he gives a damn about me, specifically. He just cares about everyone! Screw him and the general empathy for other people he rode in on! See, I'm the smart one. I don't have to worry about that. I can just murder anyone I don't like and never stress out about protecting anyone - or picking an unwinnable fight with a super-powered vampire cleric to distract him from killing my helpless idiot teammate who's never been anything but a jackass to me.
Minrah: Um...right. OK.
Belkar: Because martyrdom is a total chump move, let me tell you. He's out there being dead and I'm right here being alive, so how'd that work out for him, huh? Not that great, is how. Not a top result.
Minrah: Well, we're here. It's right down this passage.
Belkar: And who the hell puts someone in that position, anyway? Who ever taught him that was a good idea?!?
Minrah: I can see you have complex feelings about your co-worker, but we should -
Belkar: No I don't!! And if I stab something in the face enough times, they'll go away!!

Spoiler: Strip 1116

Show

Neck and Neck
Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Haley, Hilgya, Mouse, Minrah, Mr. Scruffy, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Green Hair, Vampiress with Long Hair, Vampiress with Ponytail

Hilgya: There you go.
Elan: Ooooo, tingly! Hey, if I'm Protected from Law now, does that mean-
Haley: You still need to wear pants in public, babe.
Elan: Aww, magic never does anything the fun way.
Roy: So we're all clear on the plan, then? As soon as everyone's done casting, we move.
Vaarsuvius: Bear's Endurance!
Minrah: Bull's Strength!
Belkar: Cat's Disgrace! As in, you better poop before the battle starts, Mr. Scruffy.
Mr. Scruffy: Mrow.
<cutaway>
Vampiress with Green Hair: Master, I think I hear them!
Vampire Durkon: Good, good. Everyone, take your places and do any last-minute buffs. Remember: the elf first, then the cleric of Thor. Unless they're taken out by the spell-traps. Then, I don't know, kill the bard, I guess?
Vampiress with Ponytail: Shield of Faith!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Recitation!
Vampire Durkon: Not exactly a cool evil throne befitting someone of my power, but Xykon had one of those and how far did it get him?
Vampiress with Long Hair: I don't know who that is.
Vampire Durkon: Doesn't matter, he'll be dead tomorrow.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Well, Durkon, this is it. Time for me to kill all your friends.
Durkon: Och, then get on wit it already.
Durkon: <whispering> It's def'nitely time fer tha big fight scene.
(D): Och, then get on with it already. It's definitely time for the big fight scene.
<cutback><cutback>
Roy: Alright, go! Go, go, go!!
<cutaway>
<sfx> THUDDATHUNK THUDDATHUNK THUDDATHUNK
Vampiress with Green Hair: They're coming! They're coming!
Vampire Durkon: Welcome to Round Two, Roy. I think you'll find that this time, you won't be saved by some surprise magic trick you pull from your-
Mouse: Woooooo!
<cutback>
Hilgya: What? They're cheap to summon and have a ton of hit points.

Spoiler: Strip 1117

Show

Bait the Rainbow
Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Hilgya, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Hair Band, Vampiress with Long Hair, Vampiress with Ponytail, Vampiress with Purple Dress, Vampire with Blue Beard

<sfx> ZZSHCTRCH!! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!
Vampiress with Ponytail: Summoned monsters to spring the traps?
Vampire Durkon: But the elf can't summon, even if they knew about the traps!
<cutaway>
Elan: Oh, Chaos Giraffes! You were the fresh new faces this story needed, and your lives have been tragically cut short before you could be merchandised!
Hilgya: Oh, relax. They're not dead, they just go back to wherever it is they came from. Limbo, I think.
Haley: I guess that explains why they were able to get their heads under.
Roy: OK, second wave, go!
Blackwing: V, that's us!
Vaarsuvius: Thank you, yes, I am aware.
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: Stoneskin. Oh my. It seems that I, an elf wizard, have recklessly entered this chamber largely unaccompanied.
Blackwing: Why, how uncharacteristically careless of you, Vaarsuvius!
Vampire with Blue Beard: There's the elf!
Vampiress with Purple Dress: Attack!
<sfx> KRACK!
Vampiress with Hair Band: Ow! I think I broke a fang!!
Vaarsuvius: Curious. I seem to have been warded against both physical attacks and energy drain.
Blackwing: Huh!
Vaarsuvius: Fortunately for you, there are no compelling disadvantages to congregating in a relatively compact area.
<cutaway>
Hilgya: Chaos Hammer!
<cutback>
<sfx> WHAM!
Vampiress with Purple Dress: whoa that hurt
Vampire with Blue Beard: feel so sluggish
Vampiress with Ponytail: But Master, you said they would just rush in!
Vampire Durkon: I thought they would! I don't know how they're doing this!
Vampiress with Long Hair: If it turns out your host was the one holding them back this whole time, you can't come do evil stuff with me after.

Spoiler: Strip 1118

Show

Negatively Affected
Belkar, Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair, Vampiress with Ponytail

Vampiress with Long Hair: Hey elf, I got something for those pointy ears of yours to hear! Sound Lance!
<sfx> wowowo
<sfx> WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO
Vaarsuvius: NNNNHH!!
Blackwing: Whoa!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Ha, see? I told you. No one ever protects themselves against sonic damage.
Vampire Durkon: Yes, yes. You don't need to gloat.
<cutaway>
Roy: Come on, let's go! We can't leave V there alone.
<cutback>
Roy: Hello, Durkon, or whoever you are. Normally, this would be the part where I ask you to stand down and listen to reason, but I think we're past that now.
<sfx> woosh!
Belkar: And normally, this would be the part where I would kill a bunch of dudes while Roy was still droning on about whatever. Guess we're still on the track with that one, actually.
<sfx> SKLORTCH!
Elan: <singing> Don't, don't, don't, don't need to worry about being within thirty feet for a Sneak Attack!
<sfx> FFT! FFT! THUNK! THUNK!
Vampiress with Ponytail: Master, you're hurt! Inflict Moderate Wounds!
Vampire Durkon: Don't waste your spell slots on that! My vampire regeneration would've handled it.
Elan: Wait, did she just switch sides?
Haley: No, undead are backwards, remember? Healing hurts them and hurting heals them.
Elan: Oh right, I forgot. So did you just heal him by shooting him with arrows?
Haley: No, only, like, specific kinds of damage heals them. Negative energy, mostly.
Elan: Got it! Everyone, avoid being too critical of their hopes and dreams and just generally harshing their vibes!
Haley: Yes, sweetie, that is exactly how it works. But let's get back to the bard song, maybe?
<sfx> KATHUNK!

Spoiler: Strip 1119

Show

The Fighting's So Bright
Belkar, Blackwing, Elan, Haley, Hilgya, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Hair Band, Vampire with Blue Beard, Vampire with Grey Beard

Vampire Durkon: Or at least if you are going to heal, make sure you hurt someone at the same time. Mass Inflict Serious Wounds.
Haley: Nnnhh!
Vampire Durkon: See, and that also gave us useful intel. Only the elf and the raven are warded. Spawn, forget the elf! Attack the bard!
Elan: You can do it! Don't give up! Believe in your truth! Mass Cure Light Wounds!
Vampiress with Hair Band: Arrrgh!
Vampire with Grey Beard: So...positive!!
Vampire with Blue Beard: Can't handle...having my heart...warmed!!
<sfx> SPLURKCH!
Belkar: Here, let me air it out for you.
Hilgya: OK, Kudzu, Mommy's going to cover your sweet little eyes while she burns it all down.
Blackwing: Watch out, Hilgya - they're protected against the fire stuff!
Hilgya: Not a problem - Loki's fire burns hotter. Empowered Flame Strike.
Blackwing: Wow, that is bright!
Haley: ...Sunglasses?
Blackwing: Did you think I didn't own an accessory for the specific purpose of sassily telling people to Deal With It?
Haley: Fair.

Spoiler: Strip 1120

Show

Create Spawn
Belkar, Durkon, Hilgya, Vampire Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Vampiress with Curly Hair, Vampiress with Long Hair, Vampiress with Ponytail

Vampiress with Long Hair: What the Boss was that?
Vampiress with Ponytail: Unnnhhh...
Vampire Durkon: Divine fire. They must have another cleric.
Vampiress with Curly Hair: Yes, I see her, Master! In the back!
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Whoa, is that who I think it is?
Durkon: Who? Izzit someone I know?
(D): Who? Is it someone I know?
Vampire Durkon: I literally don't know anyone you haven't met, so yes, obviously. Take a look for yourself.
<cutback>
Belkar: Hey Ears, I guess Hilgya's boom is just bigger than yours.
Vaarsuvius: That would be expected, given that her magic is powered with additional divine-
Belkar: Ugh, it's not even fun to make fun of you anymore.
<cutaway>
Durkon: Hilgya?!? Wha's she doin' 'ere?!?
(D): Hilgya?!? What is she doing here?!?
Vampire Durkon: Smashing perfectly useful vampire spawn, apparently. But what I think is far more interesting is who she is with. See anything unusual in that harness she's wearing?
<flashback>
Hilgya: Do you have a protection cantrip?
Durkon: ...I dinnae prepare tha spell today.
(D): I did not prepare that spell today.
<end flashback>
Durkon: I'm a...a pa?
(D): I am a...a father?
Vampire Durkon: You were.
<sfx> SNAP!
Vampire Durkon: Now you're just another in a long procession of dead father figures. But look on the bright side. You don't have to worry about that baby growing up without a daddy - because they're not growing up at all.
Durkon: Dinnae touch one hair on tha child's 'ead, ye vile monster!
(D): Did not touch one hair on that child's head, you vile monster!
Vampire Durkon: Uh, I meant because the world's about to end, but thanks for pointing out the bonus leverage I just got.

Spoiler: Strip 1121

Show

Protection Racket
Durkon, Sigdi, Vampire Durkon

Vampire Durkon: As far as my plans go, Hilgya is just another opponent to defeat on my way to Hel's ultimate victory, and the child isn't even that. But since you clearly feel differently, I'll make you a deal. I won't kill that baby right now if you agree not to show me any more memories until all of your friends are defeated.
Durkon: Wha? Why would showing ye matter ta-
(D): What? Why would showing you matter to-
Vampire Durkon: Do you think I'm stupid? I'm exactly as smart as you are, plus two points! I know you're planning something. Some misleading trick that will give Roy a combat advantage. Maybe you'll show me a "weakness" of his he's since overcome. I'm sure that I would be able to see through such a pathetic ruse, but every variable eliminated only increases Hel's chances.
Durkon: One. One last memory, all tha way ta tha end, an' I'll nae e'en speak fer tha rest o' tha fight.
(D): One. One last memory, all the way to the end, and I will not even speak for the rest of the fight.
Vampire Durkon: You're just going to use that one memory to trick me!
Durkon: I promise it'll nae include Roy or Haley or any member o' tha Order.
(D): I promise it will not include Roy or Haley or any member of the Order.
Vampire Durkon: Or Hilgya.
Durkon: Or Hilgya. Swear ta Thor.
(D): Or Hilgya. Swear to Thor.
Vampire Durkon: Hmmm. I suppose it could be a little like a controlled detonation of a bomb. Let you try your trick, knowing it's a trick and I should ignore it.
Durkon: An' ye haf ta let tha baby live, at least until yer damn goddess gets tha world blown up.
(D): And you have to let the baby live, at least until your damned goddess gets the world blown up.
Vampire Durkon: It's a deal. One memory only. no breaks or gaps or time jumps, and I let your new little family live for another few hours. Better make it worth it.
Durkon: Aye...It's a doozy, all right.
(D): Yes...It is a doozy one, all right.
<flashback>
Sigdi: Och, thar's my big brave cleric! How were tha first day o' bein' an official priest o' Thor?
(S): Oh, there is my big brave cleric! How was the first day of being an official priest of Thor?
Durkon: It were...intere'stin'.
(D): It was...interesting.
<end flashback>
Vampire Durkon: There's going to be twenty minutes of you washing up for dinner in the middle of this, isn't there?
Durkon: ...
Vampire Durkon: I shouldn't have said, "No time jumps."

Spoiler: Strip 1122

Show

Dispelling Misconceptions
Belkar, Blackwing, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Curly Hair, Vampiress with Long Hair, Vampiress with Ponytail, Vampire with Cap

Vampiress with Ponytail: Two clerics, Master? No wonder they have so many magical protections.
Vampire Durkon: We'll be better off if I ignore what I know about them and just fight like they were any other high-level party. Shut it down, all of their magic!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Greater Dispel Magic!
Vampiress with Ponytail: Dispel Magic!
Vampire Durkon: Greater Dispel Magic!
Vampiress with Curly Hair: Dispel Magic!
Vampire with Cap: Dispel Magic!
<sfx> FWAK FWAK FWAK FWAK FWAK FWAK FWAK WHOMP!
Vaarsuvius: Nnnh!
Blackwing: V, quick, vampires' Protection from Fire spells-
Vaarsuvius: -were almost certainly dispelled as well, yes. Fireball. Unfortunately, Sir Greenhilt, it appears my Stoneskin and Miss Firehelm's Death Ward were also-
Roy: Yep, got it. Everything's offline. Belkar, protect V.
Belkar: What? No way, we should be going after the clerics!
Roy: I am.
<sfx> SHTURLK!
Vampire Durkon: Well, that was stupid, Roy, even for you. You had one shot to throw your sword and you wasted it on an underling. Now that you are unarmed, my minions will easily-
<sfx> FWUMF PWOK!
Roy: You think you know us so well, don't you?
<sfx> KRTHNK! PWOK!
Roy: But we still have a few surprises in store.

Spoiler: Strip 1123

Show

Swirly Attack!
Belkar, Blackwing, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair

Vampire Durkon: Shoot the elf, Haley.
Haley: Sneak Attack.
<sfx> THUNK!
Vaarsuvius: Gaalgh!
<sfx> THUNK! THUNK!
Roy: What the-? No! Damn it! We were protected from the-
Vampire Durkon: Now Roy. Take him down.
Roy: -domination gaze.
Blackwing: Medic! Can we get a medic? Elf down, people! ELF DOWN!
Minrah: I'm here! I'm here! Cure Serious-
Belkar: Protect V.
Minrah: Ahhhh!
<sfx> fizzle!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Ha! The halfling barely needed a push! Bonus!
Roy: Come on, Haley, shake it off! You hate being told what to do!
Haley: Durkon said I needed to shoot you, Roy. You know Durkon wouldn't lie.
<sfx> THUNK! THUNK! pa-tang!
Roy: Grrrnh! Great, I'm losing a credibility contest with the villain. That's perfect. Sorry about this, Haley, but here's hoping you're smarter than I usually am-
<sfx> SNAP!
Roy: -and packed some extra bowstrings!

Spoiler: Strip 1124

Show

Dominate Tricks
Durkon, Elan, Roy, Sigdi, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair

Vampiress with Long Hair: This is working out great! I gotta be honest, I was worried since I burned so many spells making all those spawn.
Vampire Durkon: It's not over yet.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: It's not over yet?
Durkon: ...
<flashback>
Sigdi: Sorry tha stew is so thin t'day. I ran outta turnips on Tuesday, an' me pension dinna come 'till t'morrow.
(S): Sorry the stew is so thin today. I ran out of turnips on Tuesday, and my pension won't come untill tomorrow.
Durkon: Mm hmm.
Sigdi: Och, you've been awful quiet, Durkon. Lotta deep spiritual thoughts ta think aboot on yer first day?
(S): Oh, you have been awfully quiet, Durkon. Lots of deep spiritual thoughts to think about on your first day?
Durkon: Na really. Mostly just had a tour o' tha temple's back rooms.
(D): Not really. Mostly just had a tour of the temple's back rooms.
Sigdi: Och? I ne'er been back thar. Wha's it like?
(S): Oh? I never been back there. What is it like?
Durkon: ...Fine. It's fine. First, they showed us-
<end flashback> <cutback>
<sfx> SLLSH!
Vampire Durkon: Uggh!
<sfx> PWOK!
Roy: Durkon, if you're in there, listen to me! There are things you never knew about why you were-
<sfx> slash!
Elan: Ha!
Roy: Rrrr! Damn it, Elan, that Chaos Sabre stings!
Elan: I can't believe you've turned on Durkon, Roy.
<sfx> clang!
Roy: Of course I have! That's the whole reason we're here! Wait, no, Durkon turned on us! I mean, he's not Durkon!!
Elan: Four out of six members of the Order of the Stick agree, Roy. Shouldn't a good leader listen to his team? Just hear us out.
Roy: Are you trying to talk me into switching to the dominated side?!?
Elan: Join us, Roy. We have free massages, and pizza every Thursday.
<sfx> BLOCK
Roy: That can't possibly be true, you've been dominated for less than a minute!
Elan: Also, we can lie as much as we want.

Spoiler: Strip 1125

Show

Throwing Shade
Blackwing, Elan, Minrah, Roy

Elan: -and every night, Durkon tucks us in with tiny teddy bears.
Roy: Minrah, we could really use some Dispel Magic of our own right now.
Minrah: I'm trying but every time I try to heal, he stabs me! Stop! I don't want to hurt your friend, I just want to heal them!
Blackwing: Wait, I have an idea! I have these enormous sunglasses that I conveniently mentioned a few pages ago. If I put them on Belkar's face, it should block the domination gaze!
Minrah: Where were you keeping - You know what? Never mind. Just do it!
<sfx> DROP!
Blackwing: ...Belkar?
<sfx> SHTHURK!
Blackwing: OW!! Ow! Ow! It turns out it doesn't work that way at all!
Minrah: Cure Moderate-Nnnnnh!
<sfx> fizzle!
Blackwing: Ugh, curse my feathers! I should've know that wouldn't work. When will I learn that everything I touch...only gets more...funktastic...

Spoiler: Strip 1126

Show

Battle Cry
Durkon, Elan, Kudzu, Minrah, Roy, Sigdi, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair

Minrah: So I don't know how big of a deal this is, but the talking bird is down now, too.
Roy: It's not ideal. Nnnnh!
Elan: Hinjo called and told Haley that you should totally listen to Durkon, so you probably should.
Roy: On the plus side, this is the last of the spawn, unless there are more hiding somewhere. We've just got Durkon and two other clerics, so if we can hold on and-
<cutaway><flashback>
Durkon: -an' then we saw tha Wall o' Donors.
(D): -and then we saw the Wall of Donors.
Sigdi: ...Oh?
Durkon: Aye. It's this big plaque whar they inscribe tha names o' anyone who's donated more'n 20,000 gold pieces ta tha Church o' Thor. But wha I couldnae figure out - is why yer name were on it, Ma.
(D): Yes. It is this big plaque where they inscribe the names of anyone who donated more than 20,000 gold pieces to the Church of Thor. But what I could not figure out - is why your name was on it, Mother.
<end flashback><cutback>
Vampire Durkon: Urgh!! OK, that's just incredibly distracting. The sword throwing, not the memory.
<sfx> FWUMF.
Vampiress with Long Hair: Memory?
Vampire Durkon: Come here.
<cutaway><flashback>
Sigdi: Wow, I guess all them copper pieces in tha collection plate really add up!
(S): Wow, I guess all these copper pieces in the collection plate really add up!
Durkon: No, I asked aboot tha. Tha wall is only fer folks who donate tha much all at once. So...Izzit a mistake? When I go in ta work t'morrow, do I need ta tell 'em ta take yer name off it?
(D): No, I asked about that. The wall is only for folks who donated that much all at once. So...Is it a mistake? When I go into work tomorrow, do I need to tell them to take your name off it?
Sigdi: ...It's na a mistake. An' it were twenty-five thousand, if'n memory serves.
(S): It is not a mistake. And it was twenty-five thousand, if my memory serves right.
Durkon: Twenty-five thousand gold pieces? Are ye - are ye kiddin' me?!? Tha's more money than I e'er seen in my whole life, put t'gether!
(D): Twenty-five thousand gold pieces? Are you - are you kidding me?!? That is more money than I ever seen in my whole life, put together!
Sigdi: An' this is parta why I dinnae tell ye...
(S): And this is part of why I did not tell you...
Durkon: Ma, I love Thor an' tha church, but we coulda used some o' tha money! We been livin' on handouts me whole life!
(D): Mother, I love Thor and the church, but we could use some of that money! We have been living on handouts for my whole life!
Sigdi: HEY! First o' all, me pension is na a handout. I earned ev'ry one o' those coins defendin' this town, young lad. An' second...Och, it's more complicated than tha. Things happ'ned, Durkon. B'fore ye were born.
(S): HEY! First of all, my pension is not a handout. I earned every one of those coins defending this town, young boy. And second...Oh, it is more complicated than that. Things happened, Durkon. Before you were born.
Durkon: I'm an adult now, Ma. An' I already know aboot Pa an' tha troll.
(D): I am an adult now, Mother. And I already know about the Father and the troll.
Sigdi: I figured tha when ye stopped askin' once a week. But ye dinnae know ev'rything. I promise.
(S): I figured that when you stopped asking once a week. But you did not know everything. I promise.
<end flashback><cutback>
Roy: Damn it, Elan, get out of the way!
Elan: The Cliffport Gazette called being dominated by Durkon, "the feel-good compulsion of the year," and gave it three-and-a-half hypno-swirlies.
Roy: I know he can heal himself, but if I can shake his concentration, maybe-
Vampire Durkon: Can you say, "Anti-Life Shell" for Daddy?
Kudzu: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Vampire Durkon: Close enough.

Spoiler: Strip 1127

Show

Windfall
Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Sigdi, Sigdi's Soldier, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair

Minrah: Oh. Uh, OK. I can't see. Silly me, not preparing Remove Blindness on a day when I was supposed to be just minding the temple overnight.
Roy: Damn it, not again with the shell!
Elan: All the cool kids are dominated, Roy.
<sfx> SHUNK!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Hey Boss, mind if I share your Innocent Baby Shield?
Vampire Durkon: Feel free.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Don't look at me like that. I promised not to harm the baby personally. If Roy throws his sword and hits the squirmy little brat, that's on him.
<cutback>
Roy: OK, change of plans, everyone.
Elan: It'll make your breath fresher and your teeth whiter.
Roy: Shut up. Before, I needed V's dispel so the rest of you could rejoin the fight. Now I need it just so I can keep fighting-
<sfx> THUNK.
Roy: -even if I need to knock the rest of you out to get it.
Belkar: Protect V.
Roy: Unnh! You want to follow my orders to the letter all of a sudden? Here's one for you: STAY DOWN!
<sfx> WHAP!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: After the troll...after yer Pa passed on. After I got hurt...I were recuperatin' in tha temple o' Thor. One o' my soldiers came ta me wit a chest.
(S): After the troll...after your Father died. After I got hurt...I was recuperating in the temple of Thor. One of my soldiers came to me with a chest.
<flashback>
Sigdi's Soldier: I grabbed this on the way out, while I was fleeing the cave. But...you should have it, Sarge. You lost so much more than any of us did.
Sigdi: <voiceover> Inside were some gold an' some silver, but also a big pile of gemstones. More'n I ev'r seen in me whole life.
(S): Inside were some gold and some silver, but also a big pile of gemstones. More than I ever seen in my whole life.
<end flashback>
Durkon: So ye decided ta give it all ta tha church?
(D): So you decided to give it all to the church?
Sigdi: Sorta. Na really.
(S): Sort of. Not really.
<cutback>
Roy: Minrah, are you OK?
Minrah: I'm blind, so I'm gonna say, "Not really."
Roy: If I guide you, can you still heal.
Minrah: Yeah. As long as there's not a halfling waiting to smack me again.
Roy: Good. I'm going to dump this potion down V's throat while you cast. We need as much healing as possible so V can dispel without getting knocked back out right away. Here let me guide- OW!
Elan: Have you ever really considered the benefits of owning a high-quality set of steak knives?
Roy: That's not even an argument anymore! You're just spouting general marketing copy!
Elan: They're really great for any cut - especially the flank steak!
Roy: Wait, was that a pun? Did you just make a pun on the word--
Haley: snnneeeeeeeak
<sfx> SKLRT! SKLRT!
Haley: aaaaattaaaaaack
<sfx> SKLRT! SKLRT!

Spoiler: Strip 1128

Show

Raising a Family
Brown Bearded Dwarf, Durkon, Hilgya, Minrah, Priestess of Thor, Roy, Sigdi, Silver Bearded Dwarf, Thirden, Vampiress with Long Hair

Roy: Stop it.
<sfx> WHAK!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: I weren't alone in tha temple ward much longer. A few days later, thar were an accident.
(S): I was not alone in the temple ward much longer. A few days later, there was an accident.
<flashback>
Sigdi: Who're they?
(S): Who are they?
Priestess of Thor: Miners. There was a leak of poisoned gas in one of the copper mines this morning.
Silver Bearded Dwarf: It happened too fast for them to get out. 37 dead. These five are the ones with no living family to claim the bodies.
<cutback>
Roy: I am going to do my best to pull my punches--Unnh!
<cutaway>
Priestess of Thor: Such a shame. An accidental death like this means they're probably all bound for Hel.
Brown Bearded Dwarf: I'll start up tha cremation furnace, ma'am.
(B): I will start up the cremation furnace, ma'am.
Sigdi: ...Wait.
<cutback>
Roy: -but we have a lot of healers if we can get through this. And worst case scenario--
<cutaway>
Sigdi: Would these help?
Priestess of Thor: Uh, yes! Are those friends of yours, Sarge?
<cutback>
Roy: -we can get enough diamonds to get you raised from the dead!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: Ne'er seen any o'em b'fore 'n me life. Cast yer spells.
(S): I never seen any of them before in my life. Cast your spells.
<cutback>
<sfx> SLASH!
Roy: So no more flanking. And no more sneak attacks.
<sfx> SLASH!
Roy: Minrah, come on, let's go.
Minrah: Is everyone-
Roy: They'll be fine. We need to get V up, then dispel the domination effect on each of the three of--
Hilgya: Empowered Flame Strike.
Roy: Four...The four of them...
<cutaway>
Priestess of Thor: Raise Dead!
Vampire Durkon: What? Why would she...? Why would anyone?
Durkon: ...
Thirden: I can't believe it!
<end flashback>
Durkon: I cannae believe it.
(D): I can't believe it.
<cutback>
Vampiress with Long Hair: I can't believe it! We WON!

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[martianmister]

1116-1126. The rest is coming soon.

Deleted

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Updated with those. You can now remove them from your previous post. Sorry, I've been up to my ears in work this month. Looking forward to more!

[martianmister]

1127-1137. The rest is coming soon.

Spoiler: Strip 1127

Show

Windfall
Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Haley, Minrah, Roy, Sigdi, Sigdi's Soldier, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Long Hair

Minrah: Oh. Uh, OK. I can't see. Silly me, not preparing Remove Blindness on a day when I was supposed to be just minding the temple overnight.
Roy: Damn it, not again with the shell!
Elan: All the cool kids are dominated, Roy.
<sfx> SHUNK!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Hey Boss, mind if I share your Innocent Baby Shield?
Vampire Durkon: Feel free.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Don't look at me like that. I promised not to harm the baby personally. If Roy throws his sword and hits the squirmy little brat, that's on him.
<cutback>
Roy: OK, change of plans, everyone.
Elan: It'll make your breath fresher and your teeth whiter.
Roy: Shut up. Before, I needed V's dispel so the rest of you could rejoin the fight. Now I need it just so I can keep fighting--
<sfx> THUNK.
Roy: --even if I need to knock the rest of you out to get it.
Belkar: Protect V.
Roy: Unnh! You want to follow my orders to the letter all of a sudden? Here's one for you: STAY DOWN!
<sfx> WHAP!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: After the troll...after yer Pa passed on. After I got hurt...I were recuperatin' in tha temple o' Thor. One o' my soldiers came ta me wit a chest.
(S): After the troll...after your Father died. After I got hurt...I was recuperating in the temple of Thor. One of my soldiers came to me with a chest.
<flashback>
Sigdi's Soldier: I grabbed this on the way out, while I was fleeing the cave. But...you should have it, Sarge. You lost so much more than any of us did.
Sigdi: <voiceover> Inside were some gold an' some silver, but also a big pile of gemstones. More'n I ev'r seen in me whole life.
(S): Inside were some gold and some silver, but also a big pile of gemstones. More than I ever seen in my whole life.
<end flashback>
Durkon: So ye decided ta give it all ta tha church?
(D): So you decided to give it all to the church?
Sigdi: Sorta. Na really.
(S): Sort of. Not really.
<cutback>
Roy: Minrah, are you OK?
Minrah: I'm blind, so I'm gonna say, "Not really."
Roy: If I guide you, can you still heal.
Minrah: Yeah. As long as there's not a halfling waiting to smack me again.
Roy: Good. I'm going to dump this potion down V's throat while you cast. We need as much healing as possible so V can dispel without getting knocked back out right away. Here let me guide--OW!
Elan: Have you ever really considered the benefits of owning a high-quality set of steak knives?
Roy: That's not even an argument anymore! You're just spouting general marketing copy!
Elan: They're really great for any cut----especially the flank steak!
Roy: Wait, was that a pun? Did you just make a pun on the word--
Haley: snnneeeeeeeak
<sfx> SKLRT! SKLRT!
Haley: aaaaattaaaaaack
<sfx> SKLRT! SKLRT!

Spoiler: Strip 1128

Show

Raising a Family
Brown Bearded Dwarf, Durkon, Hilgya, Minrah, Priestess of Thor, Roy, Sigdi, Silver Bearded Dwarf, Thirden, Vampiress with Long Hair

Roy: Stop it.
<sfx> WHAK!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: I weren't alone in tha temple ward much longer. A few days later, thar were an accident.
(S): I was not alone in the temple ward much longer. A few days later, there was an accident.
<flashback>
Sigdi: Who're they?
(S): Who are they?
Priestess of Thor: Miners. There was a leak of poisoned gas in one of the copper mines this morning.
Silver Bearded Dwarf: It happened too fast for them to get out. 37 dead. These five are the ones with no living family to claim the bodies.
<cutback>
Roy: I am going to do my best to pull my punches--Unnh!
<cutaway>
Priestess of Thor: Such a shame. An accidental death like this means they're probably all bound for Hel.
Brown Bearded Dwarf: I'll start up tha cremation furnace, ma'am.
(B): I will start up the cremation furnace, ma'am.
Sigdi: ...Wait.
<cutback>
Roy: --but we have a lot of healers if we can get through this. And worst case scenario--
<cutaway>
Sigdi: Would these help?
Priestess of Thor: Uh, yes! Are those friends of yours, Sarge?
<cutback>
Roy: --we can get enough diamonds to get you raised from the dead!
<cutaway>
Sigdi: Ne'er seen any o'em b'fore 'n me life. Cast yer spells.
(S): I never seen any of them before in my life. Cast your spells.
<cutback>
<sfx> SLASH!
Roy: So no more flanking. And no more sneak attacks.
<sfx> SLASH!
Roy: Minrah, come on, let's go.
Minrah: Is everyone--
Roy: They'll be fine. We need to get V up, then dispel the domination effect on each of the three of--
Hilgya: Empowered Flame Strike.
Roy: Four...The four of them...
<cutaway>
Priestess of Thor: Raise Dead!
Vampire Durkon: What? Why would she...? Why would anyone?
Durkon: ...
Thirden: I can't believe it!
<end flashback>
Durkon: I cannae believe it.
(D): I can't believe it.
<cutback>
Vampiress with Long Hair: I can't believe it! We WON!

Spoiler: Strip 1129

Show

Reasons Why
Durkon, Hoskin, Kandro, Logann's Mother, Priestess of Thor, Shirra, Sigdi, Thirden, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Curly Hair, Vampiress with Long Hair

Vampiress with Long Hair: Hel yeah! I'm gonna go get a drink!
Vampire Durkon: ...Yeah. OK, yeah, do that.
Vampiress with Curly Hair: *Whew!*
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: This doesn't make any...logical sense. Why would someone give up living like a princess to raise five total strangers from tha dead? Explain this!!
(V): This does not make any...logical sense. Why would someone give up living like a princess to raise five total strangers from the dead? Explain this!!
Durkon: ...
Durkon: Tha's how ye met Uncle Squeaky an' Hoskin an' tha rest?? I had no idea.
(D): That's how you met Uncle Squeaky, Hoskin and the rest?? I had no idea.
Sigdi: I dinnae tell ye when ye were a wee lad 'cause I weren't sure ye'd really unnerstand.
(S): I did not tell you when you were a little boy because I was not sure you would really understand it.
Durkon: I still dinnae unnerstand!
(D): I still don't understand it!
<cutback>
Vampiress with Long Hair: Mmmmm! A simple but crisp, bold flavor, perfect for relaxing with friends. Delicious! Are the rest this tasty?
<cutaway>
<flashback>
Hoskin: We're alive?
Logann's Mother: My family line almost ended with me.
Thirden: I almost died as a miner. Screw it, I'm going back to bard college and finishing my training.
Shirra: I'm gonna sue the pants off that mining company! They'll be taking orders from me when I'm through with 'em!
Kandro: Lass, I'm just glad ta get a do-over ta get inta Valhalla. Praise Thor!
(K): Girl, I'm just glad to get a do-over to get into Valhalla. Praise Thor!
Priestess of Thor: You should make sure to thank the Sergeant here, too. She's the one who donated the diamonds we needed.
Sigdi: Och, no, ye dinnae need ta tell 'em tha!
(S): Oh, no, you didn't need to tell them that!
Hoskin: Uh, hullo. Have we...met?
(H): Uh, hello. Have we...met before?
Sigdi: Uh, well...Na. N b'fore now. Sergeant Sigdi Thundershield, Special Threat Response Squadron. Uh, retired, I s'ppose. But...what I'd really like would be findin' out more aboot all o' ye. How aboot ye all join me at me cave fer dinner t'morrow night, an' we can get ta know each other?
(S): Uh, well...No. Not before now. Sergeant Sigdi Thundershield, Special Threat Response Squadron. Uh, retired, I suppose. But...what I would really like would be finding out more about all of you. How about you all join me at my cave for dinner tomorrow night, and we can get to know each other?
Kandro: Och, it'd be me honor, Miss.
(K): Oh, it would be my honor, Miss.
Shirra: Count us in, too!
Hoskin: Aye. I'd like tha.
(H): Yes. I would like that.
Thirden: Hmmm, well, I had been planning to hold my funeral then, but it looks like my calendar just opened up.
<end flashback>
Sigdi: An' tha's how we started meetin' 'ere ev'ry week. I guess since tha donation were ta tha church, technic'lly, they put me name on tha wall. So...mystery solved!
(S): And that's how we started meeting here every week. I guess since the donation was to the church, technically, they put my name on the wall. So...mystery solved!
Durkon: Ma, how could ye do tha?!?! Ye dinnae know them! Wha if'n they were bad dwarves?
(D): Mother, how could you do that?!?! Yo did not know them! What if they were bad dwarves?
Sigdi: But they weren't. An' ye ferget, I was a warrior back then. Like I'd tell ye when ye were actin' up as a lad: I brought ye inta this world, an' I can take ye back out, too.
(S): But they weren't. And don't you forget it, I was a warrior back then. Like I would tell you when you were acting up as a boy: I brought you into this world, and I can take you back out, too.
Durkon: Yer missin' tha point! Tha high priest o' Odin's more powerful. 'E coulda used those diamonds ta bring back Pa!
(D): You are missing the point! The High Priest of Odin is more powerful. He could have used those diamonds to bring back Father!
Sigdi: Och, Durkon, yer a cleric now. I thought ye'd get it. Yer pa died a hero. 'E's up in Valhalla, drinkin' wit Thor. Wha was I gonna do, pull 'im outta paradise when five others right in front o' me were damned ta Hel thru na fault o' their own?
(S): Oh, Durkon, you are a cleric now. I thought you would get it. Your father died as a hero. He is up in Valhalla, drinking with Thor. What was I gonna do, pull him out of paradise when five others right in front of me were damned to Hel through no fault of their own?
Durkon: But...but ye loved 'im! Dinnae ye? An' ye just let 'im go like that?
(D): But...but you loved him! Didn't you? And you just let him go like that?
Sigdi: I NEVER LET GO!
<flashback>
Sigdi: <voiceover> I ne'er let go.
(S): <voiceover> I never let go.
<end flashback>
Durkon: But Ma...ye coulda...they coulda fixed yer arm wit tha money. Ye've been strugglin' all these years...
(D): But Mother...you could have...they could have fixed your arm with the money. You have been struggling all these years...
Sigdi: An' wha kinda dwarf would I be if'n I did tha? If'n I put me happiness ahead o' tha lives--tha very souls-- o' five others? Sometimes, bein' a dwarf means takin' feelings like tha an' burying 'em inna deep dark part o' yer soul--an' ne'er ev'r talkin' aboot 'em again. 'Cept mebbe wit yer son, when 'e's old enuff.
(S): And what kind of dwarf would I be if I did that? If I put my happiness ahead of the lives--the very souls-- of five others? Sometimes, being a dwarf means taking feelings like that and burying them into deep dark part of your soul--and never ever talking about them again. Except maybe with your son, when he is old enough.
<cutback>
Vampiress with Long Hair: Oh, wow. Subtle, but with so many complex undertones. Seriously, Boss, I can't believe you ate this well on the flight up....Boss?

Spoiler: Strip 1130

Show

Better Days
Belkar, Durkon, Mr. Scruffy, Vampire Durkon, Vampiress with Curly Hair, Vampiress with Long Hair

Vampire Durkon: This... I don't...understand. This doesn't make sense!
Durkon: ...
Vampire Durkon: Don't give me the silent treatment! The battle is over, your side lost, now explain this!
<cutaway>
Vampiress with Long Hair: Hello? Boss? You in there?
Vampiress with Curly Hair: What's going on?
Vampiress with Long Hair: Dunno. Maybe he's meditating or something? I'm just glad he didn't space out like this during the fight.
Mr. Scruffy: mrrrrew.
<cutback>
Durkon: Thar's na much ta explain. Ye told me b'fore tha ye are who ye are on tha worst day o' yer life. An' tha's true. Tha's 100% true. But ye know who else ye are? Ye are who ye are on tha next day.
(D): There is not much to explain. You told me before that you are who you are on the worst day of your life. And this is true. This is 100% true. But you know who else you are? You are who you are on the next day.
<cutaway>
Mr. Scruffy: mrrrrrrrrrrrew.
<cutback>
Durkon: Tha day ye wake up an' haf ta decide: are ye gonna make this tha new worst day o' yer life, or na? An' ye are who ye are tha day after tha, which can also be yer new worst...or na.
(D): That day you wake up and have to decide: are you gonna make this the new worst day of your life, or not? And you are who you are the day after that, which can also be your new worst day...or not.
<cutaway>
Mr. Scruffy: rrawr?!?
<cutback>
Durkon: Ye are who ye are on all o' yer days. All o' em. includin' tha worst an' tha best. Ev'ry single one counts. All tha way ta tha end.
(D): You are who you are on all of your days. All of them. including the worst and the best. Every single one counts. All the way to the end.
<cutaway>
Mr. Scruffy: meoww! meoww! meoww!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Look, I get it--babies are cute. But you really gotta focus here, Boss.
Belkar: RAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Vampiress with Long Hair: Ahhhhhh!
<cutback>
Durkon: An' when ye haf a new worst day, ye can get stuck thar, lookin' back on it and worryin'. An' tha's normal. But sooner or later, ye gotta take all tha pain an' do sumthin' wit it. Try ta make sumthin' better outta it.
(D): And when you have a new worst day, you can get stuck there, looking back on it and worrying. And this is normal. But sooner or later, you had to take all that pain and do something with it. Try to make something better out of it.
<cutaway>
Vampiress with Long Hair: Har-- *lllrgh!*
<sfx> KRYLLTCH!
<cutback>
Vampire Durkon: What does this have to do with--
Durkon: My mother turned tha worst thing tha could ev'r happen ta anyone inta tha best thing tha could happen ta anyone. Ta five anyones. An' I turned tha worst thing ta happen ta me inta savin' tha world from people like ye.
(D): My mother turned the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone into the best thing that could happen to anyone. To five anyones. And I turned the worst thing that happen to me into saving the world from people like you.
<cutaway>
Belkar: You. YOU!
<cutback>
Vampire Durkon: But why...why do I feel this way? On the inside? Like I'm...twisting up? Why do I feel anything at all?? I don't understand!
Durkon: Ye cannae help it. Ye were still made to fit inta me heart, an' this moment is wha me heart is build around. Yer feelin' tha rawest, most difficult feelin' I ev'r had ta face.
(D): You can not help it. You were still made to fit into my heart, and this moment is what my heart is build around. You are feeling the rawest, most difficult feeling I ever had to face.
<cutaway>
Belkar: How dare you make me think about things, Durkon!
<cutback>
Durkon: Only tha thing is, I ain't ne'er showed ye all tha time it took me ta learn how ta process sumthin' like tha. Yer gettin' all o' tha emotions, but wit none o' tha experience dealin' wit 'em. Exactly wha our Ma were afraid would happen if'n we learned tha story too young.
(D): Only the thing is, I never showed you all the time it took me to learn how to process something like that. You are getting all of the emotions, but with none of the experience dealing witt them. Exactly what our Mother was afraid would happen if we learned that story too young.
<cutaway>
Belkar: How could you not think about how your selflessness would affect ME?!?
<cutback>
Durkon: But...I still haf all those memories. Mebbe ye want 'em now? Do ye want tha memories tha'll help how yer feelin'?
(D): But...I still have all those memories. Maybe you want them now? Do you want the memories that will help how you are feeling?
Vampire Durkon: ...Yes...
Durkon: TAKE 'EM ALL! B'cause it took me whole life ta unnerstand tha moment--an' I still have mixed feelin's aboot it somedays! So take ev'ry moment o' happiness! Ev'ry moment o' peace an' belongin' an' contentment! Ev'ry moment spent wit a family who loved me, a family who wouldnae ev'n exist witout her pain! But be careful. B'cause ye know wha ye are if'n ye haf me body an' all me joys an' sorrows? Yer me.
(D): TAKE THEM ALL! Because it took my whole life to understand that moment--and I still have mixed feelings about it somedays! So take every moment of happiness! Every moment of peace and belonging and contentment! Every moment spent with a family who loved me, a family who would not even exist without her pain! But be careful. Because you know what you are if you have my body and all my joys and sorrows? You are me.

Spoiler: Strip 1131

Show

A Heartfelt Moment
Belkar, Durkon, Vampire Durkon

Vampire Durkon: Ha! It worked! I knew thar had ta be some reason why 'e dinnae just absorb ev'rythin' tha moment 'e took over!
(V): Ha! It worked! I knew there had to be some reason why he didn't just absorb everything the moment he took over!
Durkon: Och, quit pattin' ourselves on our back an' hurry!
(D): Oh, quit patting ourselves on our back and hurry!
Vampire Durkon: Yer right. I c'n feel tha negative energy squirmin' around. Thar's no way ta know if'n this'll last.
(V): You are right. I can feel the negative energy squirming around. There is no way to know if this will last.
Durkon: Ye know wha we haf ta do.
(D): You know what we have to do.
Vampire Durkon: Aye.
(V): Yes.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Take 'im. Dismiss Anti-Life Shell.
(V): Take him. Dismiss Anti-Life Shell.
<sfx> SHTHNK.
Belkar: And that's how you kill a vampire cleric without dying, MORON!

Spoiler: Strip 1132

Show

Afterdeath
Durkon, Minrah

<sfx> PINGG!!
Durkon: We did it! We're free! Ha ha! I mean...I'm free. I guess it just be me again. Feels good ta move me arms an' legs fer--
(D): We did it! We're free! Ha ha! I mean...I'm free. I guess it just be me again. Feels good to move my arms and legs for--
<sfx> WHOP!
Minrah: What are you doing here?? Was killing me not enough? Did you need to Plane Shift up here to finish me off?!? I may not have a hammer here in the Afterlife, but I still have my fists!
<sfx> POW!
Durkon: OW!
Minrah: I carry my fists in my heart!!
Durkon: Stop! STOP! Lass, I ain't who ye think I be!
(D): Stop! STOP! Girl, I am not who you think I am!
Minrah: I think you're Durkon Thundershield.
Durkon: Och, OK. But tha's more common than ye'd think. I'm na a vampire. Look: Me teeth're square. Me eyes ain't red.
(D): Oh, OK. But that's more common than you would think. I'm not a vampire. Look: My teeth are square. My eyes aren't red.
Minrah: You could be using disguise magic.
Durkon: Wouldnae've disguised meself as someone else alt'gether?
(D): Wouldn't I have disguised myself as someone else altogether?
Minrah: ...Very low level disguise magic.
Durkon: Lass, I'm dead, just like ye are. Truth is, I been dead a while now, but me soul only just got free an' clear. Tha vampire's been walkin around inside me corpse, pretendin' ta be me an' holding me spirit hostage.
(D): Girl, I'm dead, just like you are. Truth is, I have been dead a while now, but my soul only just got free and clear. The vampire has been walking around inside my corpse, pretending to be me and holding my spirit hostage.
Minrah: Wait, is that how vampirism works? But what about--
Durkon: Och, it's messy. How aboot we na get inta it right now?
(D): Oh, it's messy. How about we not get into it right now?
Minrah: Alright, well...I guess what you're saying makes sense. But if you turn out to be evil, I reserve the right to resume punching you very hard in the face.
Durkon: Aye, tha's fair. Tell tha truth, I been wantin' ta punch me own smug face in tha face fer days.
(D): Yes, that's fair. Tell the truth, I have been wanting to punch my own smug face in the face for days.
Minrah: Uh, OK. Does everyone on your group have weird emotional issues?
Durkon: Eh, tha cat's prob'ly fine.
(D): Eh, the cat is probably fine.

Spoiler: Strip 1133

Show

Call Answering
Durkon, Minrah

Minrah: I guess this is...Valhalla? I don't think it's Hel, unless we've been seriously misled on the teeth-gnashing-to-fluffiness ratio there.
Durkon: Ye know, I haf a human friend named Roy who--
(D): You know, I have a human friend named Roy who--
Minrah: I know who Roy is.
Durkon: Right, right. Sorry. Anyway, 'e were dead earlier this year. 'E told me 'e started out up in tha clouds b'fore gettin' let inta tha Afterlife proper by a deva. Mebbe tha's wha this is. Tho I dinnae see anyone ta judge us.
(D): Right, right. Sorry. Anyway, he was dead earlier this year. He told me he started out up in the clouds before getting let into the Afterlife proper by a deva. Maybe that's what this is. Though I don't see anyone to judge us.
Minrah: They could be in that tower over there? Come on, let's check it out. So...if you're up here, does that mean our side won?
Durkon: Aye, think so. Thanks fer helpin' me friends out when I couldnae.
(D): Yes, think so. Thanks for helping my friends out when I couldn't.
Minrah: I don't know how much I helped, to be honest. I spent my whole life training to vanquish the forces of evil--and the moment something more threatening than a kobold shows up, I died. Not exactly distinguishing myself, you know?
Durkon: As far as I c'n tell, ye answered tha call when it came--unannounced, in tha middle o' tha night. Dinnae get much more distinguish'd than tha. 'Course, even with us dead, thar's still more ta do down thar b'fore tha world's safe. Thar still be vampires lookin' ta swing tha Council o' Clans.
(D): As far as I can tell, you answered the call when it came--unannounced, in the middle of the night. Don't get much more distinguished than that. Of course, even with us dead, there is still more to do down there before the world is safe. There is still vampires looking to swing the Council of Clans.
Minrah: I guess...I guess they'll have to win that fight without us, then.
Durkon: Och, lass, I dinnae go thru all tha trouble ta keep sittin' on tha bench! Thar wouldnae ev'n be no danger if'n it weren't fer me. I mean, tha vampire me.
(D): Oh, girl, I didn't go through all that trouble to keep sitting on the bench! There wouldn't even be a danger if it wasn't for me. I mean, the vampire me.
Minrah: Yeah, but what are you going to do about it now? You're dead!
Durkon: Like I said, Roy were dead, an' it dinnae stop 'im. Now tha me friends're free from mind control, I think they'll be working ta get me resurrected. Assumin' they rememb'r ta save a bit o' ash from me chair. An' they haf enuff diamonds fer tha spell. An' they find someone willin' an' able ta cast it. B'fore they run outta time.
(D): Like I said, Roy was dead, and it didn't stop him. Now that my friends are free from mind control, I think they'll be working to get me resurrected. Assuming they remember to save a bit of ash from my chair. And they have enough diamonds for the spell. And they find someone willing and able to cast it. Before they run out of time.
Minrah: It doesn't really sound like a very high probability of success, if you ask me.
Durkon: Dinnae get ta spent much time talkin' ta Elan, then?
(D): Didn't get to spent much time talking to Elan, then?

Spoiler: Strip 1134

Show

A Mile in His Shoes
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Minrah: Huh. I don't see any door to knock on. Or windows, for that matter.
Durkon: Mebbe on tha other side? Let's circle 'round.
(D): Maybe on the other side? Let's circle around.
Minrah: OK, let's say your friends get all of that together for Resurrection. Are you saying you actually would go back, if they cast the spell.
Durkon: O'course! The Exarch's got some tricks up 'is sleeve tha I know Roy ain't prepared fer. Tricks I help'd 'im come up wit. Na, wait...na me. Tha vampire. Och, it's gettin' all jumbled up in me brain who did wha...
(D): Of course! The Exarch's got some tricks up his sleeve that I know Roy wasn't prepared for. Tricks that I helped him come up with. No, wait...not me. The vampire. Oh, it's getting all jumbled up in my brain who did what...
Minrah: But...you made it! You're on the cusp of Valhalla (assuming we can find a door)--what every worshipper of Thor dreams up from the time when they were a child, writing his name with hearts and stars in the margins of their notebooks! Would you cast dreams forged in glitter ink aside so easily? There's no shame in accepting a reward that's been given to you fairly.
Durkon: An' if'n they nev'r cast tha Resurrection, I will. But it seems like I haf a child o' me own, now. Ye dinnae know me, but believe me when I tell ye I've been thinkin' aboot this exact situation me entire life. Wha choice me Pa woulda made if'n given tha chance ta come back, an' wha I would do in tha same place. An' now tha it's starin' me in tha face, I feel dumb for ev'n wonderin'. I cannae leave tha wee boy down thar ta grow up only knowin' 'is pa thru stories, ev'n if'n tha fate o' tha world were na also at stake. Which, ta be clear, it totally is.
(D): And if they never cast the Resurrection, I will. But it seems like I have a child of my own, now. You don't know me, but believe me when I tell you I have been thinking about this exact situation my entire life. What choice my Father would have made if given the chance to come back, and what I would do in the same place. And now that it's staring me in the face, I feel dumb for even wondering. I can not leave the little boy down there to grow up only knowing his father through stories, even if the fate of the world was not also at stake. Which, to be clear, it totally is.
Minrah: But...what if you go back to life, and then die again--but dishonorably?
Durkon: Then I guess they'll drag me ta Hel, an' she can take 'er anger out on me in person. Tho ta be fair, I will na mind gettin' a chance ta give 'er a piece o' me mind right back. Thar's just too much at stake ta worry aboot me own eternal destination. Och, ev'n if'n we get thru this Hel stuff, thar's a whole bigger thing wit this lich named Xykon an' this big tangly thing called tha Snarl tha we need ta--
(D): Then I guess they'll drag me to Hel, and she can take her anger out on me in person. Though to be fair, I will not mind getting a chance to give her a piece of my mind right back. There is just too much at stake to worry about my own eternal destination. Oh, even if we get through this Hel stuff, there is a whole bigger thing with this lich named Xykon and this big tangly thing called the Snarl that we need to--
Thor: Oh, good. I am so glad to hear you say that, Durkon. Because seriously, dude--We need to talk.

Spoiler: Strip 1135

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OMG
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Thor: There's just a lot going on, and I think it's time you--
Minrah: Aaaaaaah!
Durkon: Lord...Thor...
Thor: Oh, right. Forgot to use my For-Mortals Voice. You know what? I'll just shrink down and simplify a bit. Hold on. Here we go, this is good. Try not to wriggle too much.
Durkon: Whoa!
Thor: Let's try something relatable but still awe-inspiring.
Minrah: My lord! I beseech you to hear my humble prayer and--
Thor: Minrah, you don't have to pray. I'm right here! Just talk to me.
Minrah: Oh! Oh! He said my name. Thor knows my name!
Thor: Uh, yeah. You only ask me for spells every single morning, Minrah Elle Shaleshoe. Oh, before I forget. That thing you've been worried about for a while that you'd rather I not say out loud in front of Durkon? Cool with me. You do you, kid.
Minrah: ...This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Thor: Ha ha, yeah, it's pretty much all downhill after your world's been Thor'd, am I right? I mean of course I'm right, duh, still a god.

Spoiler: Strip 1136

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Orders From the Top
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Thor: Sorry about letting you hang for a bit when you arrived, Durkon. But in all fairness, you really took your sweet time getting up here. When did you croak, like five and a half years ago?
Durkon: Uh, I think it were only aboot a week, me lord.
(D): Uh, I think it was only about a week, my lord.
Thor: Well, still. Took forever.
Durkon: Apologies, Lord Thor. It took time ta figure out wha ta show me--I mean 'im--I mean--
(D): Apologies, Lord Thor. It took time to figure out what to show me--I mean him--I mean--
Thor: Nah, it's cool. Sorry right back at you for not being able to help you out inside your head.
Durkon: Och, it's fine, me lord. I cannae expect ye ta fight me battles fer me.
(D): Oh, it's fine, my lord. I can not expect you to fight my battles for me.
Thor: Unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to fight a battle for me, at least figuratively speaking. That's why I needed to know before I revealed my presence if you intended to return to the Prime if your friends call: I have a task for you. And I didn't want you to feel like I was ordering you to not enter Valhalla.
Minrah: My lord, we are your servants! Should we not gladly accept your orders?
Thor: Yeah, but I still felt weird about it. Like I'd be yanking the prize away after he finished the race.
Durkon: Lord Thor, ye'd haf ta order me na ta go back, wha wit all tha's goin' on. Me friends--and me son--need me.
(D): Lord Thor, you have to order me not to go back, what with all that's going on. My friends--and my son--need me.
Thor: Good, good. Mazel tov on the dad thing, by the way. Which reminds me: Minrah, you're pre-cleared to enter Valhalla whenever you're ready. In fact, my deva told me I was supposed to give you this coupon for a free drink upgrade on account of you being killed by a cleric of Loki.
Minrah: Oh, thank you, my lord! But...um...how do I...?
Thor: Oh, Valhalla is right down there. Just give your name to the bariaur with the pink hair and she'll let you in.
Durkon: *gasp!* Tha trees! Thar attackin' Valhalla!
(D): *gasp!* The trees! They're attacking Valhalla!
Minrah: We have to defend it!!
Thor: Ugh, can't a guy zap a pine or two without everyone making a whole dogma out of it?

Spoiler: Strip 1137

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But It Probably Won't Come Up
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Thor: --and that's why you don't need to be afraid of trees.
Minrah: That makes sense.
Durkon: I unnerstand, me lord.
(D): I understand, my lord.
Thor: *sigh* Also, those are rebel trees that have turned against their evil kin to join the side of righteousness.
Minrah: Oh, good!
Durkon: I were worried thar fer a moment!
(D): I was worried there for a moment!
Thor: Well, that was fun, but off you go, Minrah. Durkon and I have a lot to discuss.
Minrah: Of course, my lord. It was an honor to--
Durkon: Um, actually, Lord Thor...would it be OK if'n she stayed?
(D): Um, actually, Lord Thor...would it be OK if she stay?
Thor: Oh?
Durkon: Och, she just died fer this cause outta nowhere. I dinnae think it'd be fair fer her ta enter Valhalla witout ev'r knowin' wha it's all aboot.
(D): Oh, she just died for this cause out of nowhere. I don't think it would be fair for her to enter Valhalla without ever knowing what it's all about.
Thor: That's a noble sentiment, Durkon, and I tend to agree. Unfortunately, some of the things I need to talk to you about involve a specific entity. A very tangled entity, if you catch my drift, and I know you do. And one of the biggest rules of the gods forbids us from talking about that entity with any mortals--even our clerics--unless they already know about it somehow.
Minrah: Tangled...is this that "Snarl" you mentioned, Durkon?
Durkon: Aye, I think so.
(D): Yes, I think so.
Thor: Oh, you already know about it?
Minrah: Only what he just said in passing while-
Thor: Good enough for me! It's a dumb rule anyway. Hop on, let's go for a god ride.
Minrah: I have literally had this dream at least a dozen times.
Durkon: Whar we goin', Lord Thor?
(D): Where are we going, Lord Thor?
Thor: The Astral Plane. There's something there that I want to show you that'll help things make more sense. But don't worry, it's not Xykon's secret astral fortress.
Durkon: ...Xykon has a...?
Thor: Oh, I probably wasn't supposed to mention that. If you hear about it later, do me a favor and act surprised, OK?

[Caerulea]

Not quite sure how to claim a transcription, but here is 1138-1144

Spoiler: Transcriptions

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Spoiler: 1138

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Lesson Planer
Thor, Durkon, Minrah

Minrah: Wooooooooo!
Durkon: *gulp*
Minrah: Yeah!
Thor: Ha ha, OK, that's enough fun for now. We need to get where we're going.
Durkon: Och, good. I dinnae know how I c'n feel so nauseous when I dinnae haf a stomach na more.
(D): Oh, good. I do not know how I can feel so nauseous when I do not have a stomach anymore.
Thor: Oh, that's not the loop-de-loops doing that, Durkon. That's you reacting to the fabric of the Astral Plane because you have too many thoughts.
Durkon: Too...many? How c'n ye haf too many?
(D): Too...many? How can you have too many?
Thor: You've got all of yours, and ten all of the vampire's too. You mushed you minds up together real good down there, so now you're a bit too full.
Durkon: Tha's why I rememb'r everythin' 'e did like it were me, then?
(D): That's why I remember everything he did like it were me, then?
Thor: Sure. You smash a melon with a rock, the rock's gonna get some pulp on it, you know? You'll be find.
Minrah: So, um, I have a question, if we're asking questions. What exactly is this place?
Durkon: Ye mean tha Astral Plane?
(D): You mean the Astral Plane?
Minrah: Yeah. I know I should know, but I took the abbreviated night course for the priesthood, to work around my schedule as a guard. We glossed over a lot of the metaphysical stuff to focus on turning and smiting.
Thor: It's not a problem, Minrah. The easiest way to understand it is that the Outer Planes are where all the gods and outsiders and afterlives are— —and the Astral Plane is all the stuff in-between. If the Outer Planes are the panels of a comic strip, the Astral plane is all the gutters.
Minrah: Oh, sorry, I don't really read comics.
Thor: Eh, you're not missing much. The important point is, it's an endless expanse of weightless nothing that people mostly use to get from one plane to another. No one lives here except for a few trademarked creatures that know better than to bother us.
Minrah: OK, but... what is it? What am I looking at? it's so pretty and silver, but you said it was affecting Durkon's mind.
Thor: Oh, well, it's made of thoughts. Everything here is made of ideas, when you get right down to it. Even me! The Outer Planes are ideas that were so powerful, for better or worse, that they became places. The spirits of people who believe those things strongly are drawn to them, and help make the plane itself. And the Astral is made from all the other thoughts. The ones that matter, but don't MATTER. But for our purposes, it's just a great place to stash stuff youdon't want anyone else to find. Especially this far out, among the thoughts that no one even remembers.
Minrah: Thank you for explaining, Lord Thor! I found that, very...uh... what's the word?
Thor: Keep looking, I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

Spoiler: 1139

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To Remember Them By
Thor, Durkon, Minrah

Thor: We're here! This is just a little barrier we put up to keep out anyone who finds their way here by accident. Not likely on an infinite plane, but better safe than sorry. There, do you see it? That's what I wanted to show you.
Durkon: Wha is it?
(D): What is it?
Thor: A monument that no one can know about. A blank gravestone for a planet. The first world the pantheons made was destroyed—and every soul devoured—by the Snarl. A being of pure divine anger and frustration that we created by accident with our stupid petty squabbles. After it attacked, we retreated here. We built this to remind ourselves of our failure. We had a ceremony and everything. Marduk cried. Tears streaming out of all four eyes. So many existences lost forever. Because we couldn't play nice.
Durkon: Tha's why ye haf so many rule's b'tween tha gods now, aye? Ta prevent yer disagreements from formin' a second Snarl.
(D): That's why you have so many rules between the gods now, right? To prevent your disagreements from forming a second Snarl.
Thor: Thats right. As much as I'd love to just ignore them outright, the risk is too high. Anyway, after the first world was lost, we got together to make a second world. One that would serve both as a home for mortals as well as a dimensional prison for the Snarl, which was still rampaging around empty space. We put that world's gravestone over there.
Durkon: Lord Thor, I dinnae unnerstand. That second world.. is tha na our world? Whar me an' Minrah grew up?
(D): Lord Thor, I do not understand. That second world... is that not our world? Where me and Minrah grew up?
Thor: No. The second orld lasted four years before rifts formed in the fabric of the plane and the Snarl escaped, eating all of the mortals again. But we learned a lot from our mistakes and made a third world, which was stronger. That's its marker, over there.
Minrah: How many... how many have world have the gods made?
Thor: Well, it's like my Dad says: We gods may have a lot of bad qualities— —but we sure ain't quitters.

Spoiler: 1140

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Better Left in the Past
Thor, Durkon, Minrah, Soda, Pizza

Minrah: Holy You... Look at 'em all!
Durkon: Thar're millions o' 'em. Mebbe billions! More'n c'n be counted!
(D): There are millions of them. Maybe billions! More than can be counted!
Thor: Moments like this, I'm a little jealous of your mortal limitations. I can count them. I remember everyone who's ever worshipped me. Some of those worlds, we saved—by which I mean, we killed everyone but cashed out their souls before the end. Others, we didn't. And of course, we tried different things every time. That one was a gritty cyberpunk world. The one next to it was talking animals. And the one behind it was gritty cyberpunk talking animals. Your time was too short Laser-Snail. Heck, one time we even tried a word with sentient movie theater snacks!
<cutaway>
Soda: Enjoy 32 ox. of vengeance— —served ice cold!
<sfx> Slice!
<cutback>
Thor: I mean, obviously we were scraping the bottom of the barrel when we came up with "self-aware stick figure fantasy parody."
Durkon: I wanna be offended by tha, but it explains so much.
(D): I want to be offended by that, but it explains so much.
Thor: We've gotten better at exteding the time each world survives. We're up to a few thousand years each, give or take. But then rigts open, every time, and the Snarl starts reaching out and destroying stuff.
Durkon: So then... thar's no point. Tha cycle'll keep goin' ferever. It's inevitable. Yer tellin' us we're wastin' our time fightin' against it.
(D): So then... there is no point. The cycle will keep going forever. It's inevitabe. You're telling us we're wasting our time fighting against it.
Thor: What? No! The exact opposite! I wanted you to fully appreciate the scale of the problem—and the once-in-an-eternity opportunity tat your specific world has given us to change things— —maybe forever! It would be a real jerk move on my part to bring you all the way out just to rub you face in the futility of it all. What kind of deity do you think I am?
Durkon: Ye did almost give me friend Elan a colon tumor wit yer automated prayer system.
(D): You did almost give my friend Elan a colon tumor with your automated prayer system.
Thor: And you "almost" didn't bring that up, but here we are.

Spoiler: 1141

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Advanced Color TheoryThor, Durkon, Minrah

Thor: See, there's a reason why the Snarl alway breaks free, but it require a little explanation to understand.
Durkon: Aye?
Thor: Do you see this yello aura surrrounding me?
Durkon: Aye.
Thor: What your eyes are seeing as the color yellow is a succession of psychically charged theosophic particles— —escaping the event horizon of my divine singularity at a specific wavelength determined by our shared pantheonic quiddity.
Durkon: Yer... Yer gonna haf to make tha at least two degrees dumber fer me.
(D): You're... You're going to have to make that at least two degrees dumber for me.
Minrah: Three would be nice.
Durkon: Aye, let's go wit three.
(D): Aye, let's go with three.
Thor: Alright, let's see. Each god in the same pantheon is unique but shares a quiddity—
Durkon: Nope, dinnae know tha word.
(D): Nope, I do not know that word.
Thor:—shares a... uh, let's say essence.
<cutaway>
Thor:<voiceover> Each such essence makes a different color aura when those gods manifest. Yellow for us, blue for the Twelve Gods, red for Marduk's clan.
<cutback>
Thor: When one god—or even just one pantheon—creates something alone, it's empheral. Like these tiny images. It's little bettwe than if it was made by a wizard. Any one of us could wave it away in an instant the first time they got mad or bored.
Thor:<aside>And if you knew how many time Njord has changed his mind ten minutes after we finished, you'd know that'd never work.
Thor:But when gods of different colors combine their powers, the result is somethign much more stable. More real. Mortals. real, honest-to-us independent mortals, like you, who can live their lives and in return, generate what we gods need to survive.
Minrah: Oh, I get it! It's like how mutts are healthier than purebreed dogs!
Thor: Right, Minrah! Good analogy! The more different colors involved, the stronger the creation. The problem is that your world and all the others—all but one—were crafted from those three colors. Red, yellow, and blue... ...and the Snarl is made out of four.
<cutaway>
Thor:<voiceover> Way back at the beninning a group of deities called the Eastern Pantheon joined us with their green quiddity.
<cutback>
Minrah: Eastern Gods? i mean, I always thought it was weird that we only had Northern, Southern and westenr Gods, but the priest taught us not to questio it. I never even questioned that I shouldn't question!
Thor: Their light passed from the multiverse long ago. The Snarl killed them. And in order to keep the secret of the Snarl's existence, we don't talk about them anymore. Without them, nothing sice then has been created from all four colors. The Snarl is, in a literal sense, the most real thing in all of existence.
Minrah: More real than the gods??
Thor: Definitely! For all of our power, we are one-color beings. It would cut through us like a hot glaive through ochre jelly. Nothing we make—nothing we could ever possibly make, individually or together——can ever contain the Snarl. These facts are why so many of my colleagues are quick to throw in the towel on your world. They all fear the Snarl more than anything, but they have become resigned to the whole cycle. It's just one more turn of the wheel to them. A chance to try something fun and new. Certainly nothing to be worried about, if we do what we always do. Why rock the boat?
Durkon: But ye dinnae agree.
(D): But you do not agree.
Thor: No. Because this time something's different. There's a new color in the crayon box.

Spoiler: 1142

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Good to Know
Thor, Durkon, Minrah

Minrah: Who is—?
Durkon: Is tha—?
(D): Is that—?
Thor: The Dark One. The patron god of the goblins. He ascended to godhood during this world's tenure——but unlike other motal ascensions, he did it completely on his own, without any sponsership by one of the existing pantheons. Somehow, he tapped into an entirely new color of divine essence: Purple. If the Dark One joined us, we could close the rifts with four-color seals. They would actually be stronger than the rest of the world around them. Sure, new rifts would form again somewhere else in a few thousand years, but as long as we kept spot-welding them as they came up, there's no telling how long this world could last. Millions of years? Billions? We might even be able to try that "natural selection" thing I keep hearing about.
Durkon: But...Lord Thor, tha goblins're tha ones tryin' ta seize tha Gates in tha first place!
(D): But...Lord Thor, the goblins are the ones trying to seize the Gates in the first place!
Thor: Yeah, I admit that's a bit of a sticking point.
Minrah: Wait, hold up. What gates are we talking about here?
Durkon: Och, it's this whole thing wit tha plot. Sixty-odd years ago, this band o' 'dventurers built five magic Gates o'er tha rifts that'd opened up 'round tha world. Tha Gates plug up tha rifts, but tha bad guys're tryin' ta grab one an' use it ta tame the Snarl.
(D):Oh, it's this whole thing with the plot. Sixty-odd years ago, this band of adventurers built five magic Gates over the rifts that had opened up around the world. Tha Gates plug up the rifts, but the bad guys are trying to grab one and use it to tame the Snarl.
Thor: No, not exactly. We think the goblins fare trying to find a way to use the Gates to shift the planar aperatures to the Outer Planes.
Minrah: So...the Snarl could attack you out here? In your homes??
Durkon: Och, tha's awful!
(D): Oh, that's awful!
Thor: Yeah. And it's just one more reason the "Kill 'Em All" caucus wants to hurry up rather than wait. The think is, even just talking to the Dark One is... difficult. He has not formal place in any of our covenants—no vote at any Godsmoot, no framework for safe communication. If I try to swin by his place to talk, the slightest disagreement could create a new two-color Snarl! And...I have to admit. Some of the Dark One's reluctance to engage with us is my fault.
Minrah: Oh! Did you make fun of his name?
Thor: What? No, his name is totally metal.
Minrah: ...Oh.

Spoiler: 1143

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Lines of Communication
Thor, Durkon, Minrah, Northern Gods

Thor: When the Dark One first ascended, he was still weak. All I saw was another evil god—one who had, as a mortal, killed many of my followers. I though if I attacked him before he could gather strength, I could defeat a force for evil safely.
<cutaway>
Thor: <voiceover> Loki stopped me. In fact, it was Loi who first realized what the existence of a purple god could mean. He did his best to keep up a good relationship with the Dark One, with the intent of someday letting him in on the secret of the Snarl.
<cutback>
Thor: Unfortunately, the Dark One learned about it all on his own, and cut of all ties with my brother. Loki tried to re-establish communications, but the Dark One just melted Loki's emissaries and anointed his planar legions with their liquified remains. And then he dropped out of their private chat group! None of the other gods have sucessfully contacted him since hen. Not that we could agree on what to do if we could.
<sub-image>
Northern goddess 0: Now that we know violet quiddity is possible, we should wait for a god that is more reasonable.
Northern god 1: I'd rather continue this cycle for all eternity than give one damn inch to that goblin
Northern goddess 2: I was on board until this stuff with the Gates came up. It's not worth the risk to our home planes.
</sub-image>
Thor: The Twelve Gods are similarly split. Some don't wnat to negotiate with the god responsible for what happened to Azure City. Rat is apparently furious. And I hear that most of the Western Gods don't even believe the Dark One really is a new color. Tiamat is the only one who's ever met him in person, and they think she's lying to further some scheme. That's why I need you Durkon.
Durkon: M-me?? I'm suppos'd ta convince a god??
(D): M-me?? I'm supposed to convince a god??
Thor: No, no, no. You need to convince the Dark One's high priest—you know him as Redcloak—to help us. We need him to channel his god's purple quiddity into the process of closing the rifts. We only need a drop or so—one 9^th-level speel slot should do it. We can handle the rest.
Durkon: Lord Thor, I...I ain't exactly a diplomat. Mebbe thar's another cleric better suited...
(D): Lord Thor, I...I am not exactly a diplomat. Maybe there is another cleric better suited...
Thor: Oh? The guy who just talked a vampire into nonexistence thinks he's bad at persuasion?
Durkon: Och, tha were a special circumstance.
(D): Oh, that was a special circumstance.
Thor: Good news! This is literally the single most special circustance ever. You'll do fine.

Spoiler: 1144

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That's Jack's Fault
Thor, Durkon, Minrah, Assorted Worshippers of Thor

Minrah: This ride was more fun before.
Durkon: Och, I cannae ev'n tell if'n me stomach's mad aboot tha trip, or aboot havin' tha fate o' all possible worlds on me shoulders.
(D): Oh, I can not even tell if it my stomach is mad about the trip, or about having the fate of all possible worlds on my shoulders.
Minrah: Actually, if there's one bright side, I don't think this is all on you, Durkon. If you screw up and the gods need to blow up the world, then the Dark One can still help make the next one, right? It'll suck that it's that world and not ours, but still—cycle broken!
Durkon: Aye, tha's a good point, lass. Mebbe na ideal but at least—
(D): Aye, that's a good point, Minrah. Maybe it's not ideal, but at least—
Thor: Uh, well, in theory, but... he might not survive the process.
Durkon: <muttered> Och, knew it'd be too good to ta be true.
Thor: Like I said earlier, we gods need certain thing from mortals. Four things to be exact: Belief, Worship, Dedication, and souls.
<multi-panel cutaway>
<panel 1>
Thor: <voiceover> Belief is when mortals know we exist, in these specific identities.
Dwarven Mother: Thor, the Northern god of Thunder.
</panel 1>
<panel 2>
Thor: <voiceover> Worship is active praise and supplication and all that good stuff.
Dwarven cleric: Thor, our lord and defender!
</panel 2>
<panel 3>
Thor: <voiceover> Dedication is a big burst that's released when a mortal dies and they're sent off to their god.
Dwarven Warrier, follower of Thor: Thor, I'm on my way!
</panel 3>
<panel 4>
Thor: <voiceover> And Souls just soft of slowly power the Outer Planes and the Afterlives over time.
Dwarven Warrier, follower of Thor: Thor, pass the chips, please.
<End multi-panel cutaway>
Thor: In order to keep healthy, we need a specific balance of all four. That's why Hel is so much more messed up this time around—She's been filling up on empty Dedications without any fresh Worship. We used to have pyramid diagram that explained this better, but I don't think we use that anymore. The thing is, there's always an interim period after each world's destruction where we have to wait while the Snarl calms down before we can trap it again. The Dark One won't have the stores of energy necessary to persist through that gap. He hasn't been around long enough, and hasn't had the followers of a whole pantheon believing in him. I've seen new gods with more worshippers than he has fail to make it.
Durkon: So we must enlist 'is 'elp now, to save this world, while he's still got believers.
(D): So we must enlist his help now, to save this world, while he's still got believers.
Thor: Otherwise the purple quiddity may be lost forever and the cycle will never end.
Minrah: Wow. I didn't realise the gods were so dependent on the beliefs of everday mortals like us.
Thor: Oh, you have no idea. I used to be a ginger until that damn superhero comic book came out.

If I have done something wrong please correct me. I know it said the next batch was 1138-1150, so I will update this with those when they come out.

Edit: Sorry martianmister if you were working on these as well. I didn't see that until I posted.

[martianmister]

I already finished these but didn't add here cause TWoD still didn't add my previous patch and I assumed that he's busy. Here is mine.

Spoiler: Strip 1138

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Lesson Planar
Durkon, Minrah, Planes, Thor, Thoughts

Minrah: Wooooooooo!
Durkon: *gulp*
Minrah: Yeah!
Thor: Ha ha, OK, that's enough fun for now. We need to get where we're going.
Durkon: Och, good. I dinnae know how I c'n feel so nauseous when I dinnae haf a stomach na more.
(D): Oh, good. I don't know how I can feel so nauseous when I don't have a stomach anymore.
Thor: Oh, that's not the loop-de-loops doing that, Durkon. That's you reacting to the fabric of the Astral Plane, because you have too many thoughts.
Durkon: Too...many? How c'n ye haf too many?
(D): Too...many? How can you have too many thoughts?
Thor: You've got all of yours, and then all of the vampire's, too. You mushed your minds up together real good down there, so now you're a bit too full.
Durkon: Tha's why I rememb'r everythin' 'e did like it were me, then?
(D): That's why I remember everything he did like it was me, then?
Thor: Sure. You smash a melon with a rock, the rock's gonna get some pulp on it, you know? You'll be fine.
Minrah: So, um, I have a question, if we're asking questions. What exactly is this place?
Durkon: Ye mean tha Astral Plane?
(D): You mean the Astral Plane?
Minrah: Yeah. I know I should know, but I took the abbreviated night course for the priesthood, to work around my schedule as a guard. We glossed over a lot of the metaphysical stuff to focus on turning and smiting.
Thor: It's not a problem, Minrah. The easiest way to understand it is that the Outer Planes are where all the gods and outsiders and afterlives are--and the Astral Plane is all the stuff in-between. If the Outer Planes are the panels of a comic strip, Astral Plane is all the gutters.
Minrah: Oh, sorry, I don't really read comics.
Thor: Eh, you're not missing much. The important point is, it's an endless expanse of weightless nothing that people mostly use only to get from one plane to another. No one lives here except for a few trademarked creatures that know better than to bother us.
Minrah: OK, but...what is it? What am I looking at? It's so pretty and silver, but you said it was affecting Durkon's mind?
Thor: Oh, well, it's made of thoughts. Everything out here is made of ideas, when you get right down to it. Even me! The Outer Planes are ideas that were so powerful, for better or worse, that they became places. The spirits of people who believe those things strongly are drawn to them, and help make the plane itself.
LG Plane: Truth, Justice, and the Celestial Way.
LG-NG Plane: Let's all do our part.
NG Plane: Everyone should care.
NG-CG Plane: Who's a good dog? You are!
CG Plane: Words aren't as important as people.
LG-LN Plane: The needs of the many...
CG-CN Plane: Fight the good fight.
LN Plane: There's only one right path.
TN Plane: Hey, let's not get carried away.
CN Plane: Don't you tell me what to do.
LN-LE Plane: I was just following orders.
CN-CE Plane: Lulz.
LE Plane: Yes, but if you read the fine print...
LE-NE Plane: Resistance is futile.
NE Plane: Nothing matters.
NE-CE Plane: You're bad and you should feel bad.
CE Plane: Screw you, jack, I got mine.
Thor: And the Astral is made from all the other thoughts. The ones that matter, but don't MATTER.
Thought: I need to pick up milk.
Thought: Ugh, that looks infected.
Thought: Oh god...I'm gonna--I'm gonna--
Thought: The infield fly rule.
Thought: Does this soup need more carrots?
Thor: But for our purposes, it's just a great place to stash stuff you don't want anyone else to find. Especially this far out, among the thoughts that no one even remembers.
Thought: "Further" or "farther"?
Thought: That's a great idea for a novel!
Thought: My wedding anniversary is tomorrow.
Thought: Sha Na Na.
Thought: I definitely turned the oven off.
Minrah: Thank you for explaining, Lord Thor! I found that very...uh...what's the word?
Thor: Keep looking, I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

Spoiler: Strip 1139

Show

To Remember Them By
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Thor: We're here! This is just a little barrier we put up to keep out anyone who finds their way here by accident. Not likely on an infinite plane, but better safe than sorry. There, do you see it? That's what I wanted to show you.
Durkon: Wha is it?
(D): What is it?
Thor: A monument that no one can know about. A blank gravestone for a planet. The first world the pantheons made was destroyed--and every soul devoured--by the Snarl. A being of pure divine anger and frustration that we created by accident with our stupid petty squabbles. After it attacked, we retreated here. We build this to remind ourselves of our failure. We had a ceremony and everything. Marduk cried. Tears streaming out of all four eyes. So many existences lost forever. Because we couldn't play nice.
Durkon: Tha's why ye haf so many rules b'tween tha gods now, aye? Ta prevent yer disagreements from formin' a second Snarl.
(D): That's why you have so many rules between the gods now, right? To prevent your disagreements from forming a second Snarl.
Thor: That's right. As much as I'd love to just ignore them outright, the risk is too high. Anyway, after the first world was lost, we got together to make a second world. One that would serve both as a home for mortals as well as a dimensional prison for the Snarl, which was still rampaging around empty space. We put that world's gravestone over there.
Durkon: Lord Thor, I dinnae unnerstand. That second world...is tha na our world? Whar me an' Minrah grew up?
(D): Lord Thor, I don't understand. That second world...is that not our world? Where me and Minrah grew up?
Thor: No. The second world lasted four years before rifts formed in the fabric of the plane and the Snarl escaped, eating all of the mortals again. But we learned a lot from our mistakes and made a third world, which was stronger. That's its marker, over there.
Minrah: How many...how many worlds have the gods made?
Thor: Well, it's like my Dad says: We gods may have a lot of bad qualities--but we sure ain't quitters.

Spoiler: Strip 1140

Show

Better Left in the Past
Durkon, Minrah, Soda, Thor

Minrah: Holy You...Look at 'em all!
Durkon: Thar're millions o' 'em. Mebbe billions! More'n c'n be counted!
(D): There are millions of them. Maybe billions! More than can be counted!
Thor: Moments like this, I'm a little jealous of your mortal limitations. I can count them. I remember everyone who's ever worshipped me. Some of those worlds, we saved--by which I mean, we killed everyone but cashed out their souls before the end. Others, we didn't. And of course, we tried different things every time. That one was a gritty cyberpunk world. The one next to it was talking animals. And the one behind it was gritty cyberpunk talking animals. Your time was too short, Laser-Snail. Heck, one time we even tried a world with sentient movie theater snacks!
<flashback>
Soda: Enjoy 32 oz. of vengeance--served ice cold!
<sfx> SLICE!
<end flashback>
Thor: I mean, obviously we were scraping the bottom of the idea barrel when we came up with "self-aware stick figure fantasy parody."
Durkon: I wanna be offended by tha, but it explains so much.
(D): I want to be offended by that, but it explains so much.
Thor: We've gotten better at extending the time each world survives. We're up to a few thousand years each, give or take. But then rifts open, every time, and the Snarl starts reaching out and destroying stuff.
Durkon: So then...thar's no point. Tha cycle'll keep goin' forever. It's inevitable. Yer tellin' us we're just wastin' our time fightin' aginst it.
(D): So then...there is no point. The cycle will keep going forever. It's inevitable. You're telling us we are just wasting our time fighting against it.
Thor: What? No! The exact opposite! I wanted you to fully appreciate the scale of the problem--and the once-in-an-eternity opportunity that your specific world has given us to change things--maybe forever! It would be a real jerk move on my part to bring you all the way out here just to rub your face in the futility of it all. What kind of deity do you think I am?
Durkon: Ye did almost give me friend Elan a colon tumor wit yer automated prayer system.
(D): You almost gave my friend Elan a colon tumor with your automated prayer system.
Thor: And you "almost" didn't bring that up, but here we are.

Spoiler: Strip 1141

Show

Advanced Color Theory
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Thor: See, there's a reason why the Snarl always break free, but it requires a little explanation to understand.
Durkon: Aye?
(D): Yes?
Thor: Do you see this yellow area surrounding me?
Durkon: Aye.
(D): Yes.
Thor: What your eyes are seeing as the color yellow is a succession of psychically charged theosophic particles--escaping the event horizon of my divine singularity at a specific wavelength determined by our shared pantheonic quiddity.
Durkon: Yer...Yer gonna haf ta make tha at least two degrees dumber fer me.
(D): You're..You're gonna have to make that at least two degrees dumber for me.
Minrah: Three would be nice.
Durkon: Aye, let's go wit three.
(D): Yes, let's go with three.
Thor: Alright, let's see. Each god in same pantheon is unique but shares a quiddity--
Durkon: Nope, dinnae know tha word.
(D): Nope, don't know the word.
Thor: --shares a...uh, let's say essence.
Thor: <voiceover> Each such essence makes a different color aura when those gods manifest. Yellow for us, blue for the Twelve Gods, red for Marduk's clan.
Thor: When one god--or even just one pantheon--creates something alone, it's ephemeral. Like these tiny images. It's little better than if it was made by a wizard. Any one of us could wave it away in an instant the first time they got mad or bored. And if you knew how many times Njord has changed his mind ten minutes after we finished, you'd know that'd never work. But when gods of different colors combine their powers, the result is something much more stable. More real. Mortals. Real, honest-to-us independent mortals, like you, who can live their lives and in return, generate what we gods need to survive.
Minrah: Oh, I get it! It's like how mutts are healthier than purebreed dogs!
Thor: Right Minrah! Good analogy! The more different colors involved, the stronger the creation. The problem is that your world and all the others--all but one--were crafted from those three colors. Red, yellow, and blue... ...and the Snarl is made out of four.
Thor: <voiceover> Way back at the beginning, a group of deities called Eastern Pantheon joined us with their green quiddity.
Minrah: Eastern Gods? I mean, I always thought it was weird that we only had Northern, Southern, and Western Gods, but the priests taught us not to question it. I never even questioned that I shouldn't question!
Thor: Their light passed from the multiverse long ago. The Snarl killed them. And in order to keep the secret of the Snarl's existence, we don't talk about them anymore. Without them, nothing since then has been created from all four colors. The Snarl is, in a literal sense, the most real thing in all of existence.
Minrah: More real than the gods?
Thor: Definitely! For all of our power, we are one-color beings. It would cut through us like a hot glaive through ochre jelly. Nothing we make--nothing we could ever possibly make--individually or together--can ever contain the Snarl. These facts are why so many of my colleagues are quick to throw in the cosmic towel on your world. They all fear the Snarl more than anything, but they have also become resigned to the whole cycle. It's just one more turn of the wheel to them. A chance to try something fun and new. Certainly nothing to be worried about, if we do what we always do. Why rock the boat?
Durkon: But ye dinnae agree.
(D): But you don't agree.
Thor: No. Because this time, something's different. There's a new color in the crayon box.

Spoiler: Strip 1142

Show

Good to Know
Durkon, Minrah, Thor

Minrah: Who is--?
Durkon: Is tha--?
(D): Is that--?
Thor: The Dark One. The patron god of the goblins. He ascended to godhood during this world's tenure--but unlike other mortal ascensions, he did it completely on his own, without any sponsorship by one of the existing pantheons. Somehow, he tapped into an entirely new color of divine essence: purple. If the Dark One joined us, we could close the rifts with four-color seals. They would actually be stronger than the rest of the world around them. Sure, new rifts would form again somewhere else in a few thousand years, but as long as we kept spot-welding them as they came up, there's no telling how long this world could last. Millions of years? Billions? We might even be able to try that "natural selection" thing I keep hearing about.
Durkon: But...Lord Thor, tha goblins're tha ones tryin' ta seize tha Gates in tha first place!
(D): But...Lord Thor, the goblins are the ones trying to seize the Gates in the first place!
Thor: Yeah, I admit that's a bit of a sticking point.
Minrah: Wait, hold up. What gates are we talking about here?
Durkon: Och, it's this whole thing wit tha plot. Sixty-odd years ago, this band o' 'dventurers built five magic Gates o'er tha rifts that'd opened up 'round tha world. Tha Gates plug up tha rifts, but tha bad guys're tryin' ta grab one an' use it ta tame tha Snarl.
(D): Oh, it's this whole thing with the plot. Sixty-odd years ago, this band of adventurers built five magic Gates over the rifts that had opened up around the world. The Gates plug up the rifts, but the bad guys are trying to grab one and use it to tame the Snarl.
Thor: No, not tame it, exactly. We think the goblins are trying to find a way to use the Gates to shift the planar aperatures to the Outer Planes.
Minrah: So...the Snarl could attack you out here? In your homes??
Durkon: Och, tha's awful!
(D): Oh, that's awful!
Thor: Yeah. And it's just one more reason the "Kill 'Em All" caucus wants to hurry up rather than wait. The thing is, even just talking to the Dark One is...difficult. He has no formal place in any of our covenants--no vote at any Godsmoot, no framework for safe communication. If I try to swing by his place to talk, the slightest disagreement could create a new two-color Snarl! And...I have to admit. Some of the Dark One's reluctance to engage with us is my fault.
Minrah: Oh! Did you make fun of his name?
Thor: What? No, his name is totally metal.
Minrah ...Oh.

Spoiler: Strip 1143

Show

Lines of Communication
Durkon, Skadi, Sunna, Thor, Tyr

Thor: When the Dark One first ascended, he was still weak. All I saw was another evil god--one who had, as a mortal, killed many of my followers. I thought if I attacked him before he could gather strength, I could defeat a force for evil safely.
Thor: <voiceover> Loki stopped me. In fact, it was Loki who first realized what the existence of a purple god could mean. He did his best to keep up a good relationship with the Dark One, with the intent of someday letting him in on the secret of the Snarl.
Thor: Unfortunately, the Dark One learned about it on his own, and cut off all ties with my brother. Loki tried to re-establish communications, but the Dark One just melted Loki's emissaries and anointed his planar legions with their liquified remains. And then he dropped out of their private chat group! None of the other gods have successfully contacted him since then. Not that we could agree on what to do if we could.
Sunna: Now that we know violet quiddity is possible, we should wait for a god that is more reasonable.
Tyr: I'd rather continue this cycle for all of eternity than give one damn inch to that goblin.
Skadi: I was on board untl this stuff with the Gates came up. It's not worth the risk to our home planes.
Thor: The Twelve Gods are similarly split. Some don't want to negotiate with the god responsible for what happened to Azure City. Rat is apparently furious. And I hear that most of the Western Gods don't even believe the Dark One really is a new color. Tiamat is the only one who's ever met him in person, and they think she's lying to further some scheme. That's why I need you, Durkon.
Durkon: M-me?? I'm suppos'd ta convince a god??
(D): M-me?? I'm supposed to convince a god??
Thor: No, no, no. You need to convince the Dark One's high priest--you know him as Redcloak--to help us. We need him to channel his god's purple quiddity into the process of closing the rifts. We only need a drop or so--one 9th-level spell slot should do it. We can handle the rest.
Durkon: Lord Thor, I...I ain't exactly a diplomat. Mebbe thar's another cleric better suited...
(D): Lord Thor, I...I am not exactly a diplomat. Maybe there is another cleric better suited to...
Thor: Oh? The guy who just talked a vampire into nonexistence thinks he's bad at persuasion?
Durkon: Och, tha were a special circumstance.
(D): Oh, that was a special circumstance.
Thor: Good news! This is literally the single most special circumstance ever. You'll do fine.

Spoiler: Strip 1144

Show

That's Jack's Fault
Durkon, Daughter, Minrah, Mother, Priestess Rubyrock, Thor

Minrah: This ride was more fun before.
Durkon: Och, I cannae ev'n tell if'n me stomach's mad aboot tha trip, or aboot havin' tha fate o' all possible worlds on me shoulders.
(D): Oh, I can not even tell if my stomach is mad about the trip, or about having the fate of all possible worlds on my shoulders.
Minrah: Actually, if there's one bright side, I don't think this is all on you, Durkon. If you screw up and the gods need to blow up the world, then the Dark One can still help make the next one, right? It'll suck that it's that world and not ours, but still--cycle is broken!
Durkon: Aye, tha's a good point, lass. Mebbe na ideal but at least--
(D): Yes, that's a good point, girl. Maybe not ideal but at least--
Thor: Uh, well, in theory, but...he might not survive the process.
Durkon: Och, knew it'd be too good ta be true.
(D): Oh, I knew it would be too good to be true.
Thor: Like I said earlier, we gods need certain things from mortals. Four things, to be exact: Belief, Worship, Dedication, and Souls.
<flashback>
Thor: <voiceover> Belief is when mortals know that we exist, in these specific identities.
Mother: Thor, the Northern god of Thunder.
<end flashback>
<flashback>
Thor: <voiceover> Worship is active praise and supplication and all that good stuff.
Priestess Rubyrock: Thor, our lord and defender!
<end flashback>
<flashback>
Thor: <voiceover> Dedication is a big burst that's released when a mortal dies and they're sent off to their god.
Daughter: Thor, I'm on my way!
<end flashback>
<flashback>
Thor: <voiceover> And Souls just sort of slowly power the Outer Planes and the Afterlives over time.
Daughter: Thor, pass the chips, please.
<end flashback>
Thor: In order to keep healthy, we need a specific balance of all four. That's why Hel is so much more messed up this time around--She's been filling up on empty Dedications without any fresh Worship. We used to have a pyramid diagram that explained this better, but I don't think we use that anymore. The thing is, there's always an interim period after each world's destruction where we have to wait while the Snarl calms down before we can trap it again. The Dark One won't have the stores of energy necessary to persist through that gap. He hasn't been around long enough, and hasn't had the followers of a whole pantheon believing in him. I've seen new gods with more worshippers than he has fail to make it.
Durkon: So we must enlist 'is 'elp now, to save this world, while he's still got believers.
(D): So we must enlist his help now, to save this world, while he's still got believers.
Thor: Otherwise, the purple quiddity may be lost forever and the cycle will never end.
Minrah: Wow. I didn't realize the gods were so dependent on the beliefs of everyday mortals like us.
Thor: Oh, you have no idea. I used to be a ginger until that damn superhero comic book came out.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Thank you both for your contributions! I have indeed been quite occupied, so apologies for the delay. I'll take a look at these soon. In the meantime, Caerulea, sorry that you ended up doing needless work, but I'm always looking for more people to complete batches of the comic as they come out. For instance, if you'd like to claim the next 50? Your presence is certainly appreciated.

Also, as always, I'm constantly finding misspellings and inconsistencies within the Transcription. I'd love more people looking for errors!

[Caerulea]

I'd be glad to do 1151-1200.

(Also, "—" is called an em dash. There are various shortcuts, but I just copy paste it each time.)

[martianmister]

So, who's doing 1145-1150?

[Caerulea]

So, who's doing 1145-1150?

I thought you were. If you don't want to, I can take them.

[martianmister]

Okay then. I'll get 1145-1150 and you'll get 1151-1200, right?

[Caerulea]

Yes.[ten character limit]

[martianmister]

OK you magnificent creature

[Caerulea]

Wombat, would you still like summaries of the prequel books?