The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

And we're down to 47 strips left to be transcribed!

*throws confetti!*

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Thanks to the efforts of Jaxzan, we only have 0778 – 0800 (22 strips) remaining! All other strips have been transcribed to date. While we're not done, this allows me to begin the next book, so I'll start editing and reviewing more carefully the groupings and post them soon. If someone would like to help with the remaining 22, let me know on here, and I'll put you down for them! Thank you again to everyone who has thus far made this possible!

[Bleak Ink]

I volunteer as tribute for those last 22!

[DaggerPen]

I volunteer as tribute for those last 22!

Welcome aboard!

[Jaxzan Proditor]

I volunteer as tribute for those last 22!

All right! We may have the whole transcription up very shortly, at this rate.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I volunteer as tribute for those last 22!

Huzzah! Thank you so much! I look forward to your contribution!

[DaggerPen]

Hey, is the solo 669 still in need of a transcript? I'm busy as heck, but just the outlier kinda bugs me - I can take it if no one's already on the hook.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

Hey, is the solo 669 still in need of a transcript? I'm busy as heck, but just the outlier kinda bugs me - I can take it if no one's already on the hook.

Before you do anything, according to Wombat it should actually say 699.

[DaggerPen]

Whoops. Won't start on it until Wombat confirms that it's still open, regardless, but thanks for the heads-up!

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Whoops. Won't start on it until Wombat confirms that it's still open, regardless, but thanks for the heads-up!

Still open! Jax tried filling it, but I the realized I goofed. You can grab it if you'd like.

[DaggerPen]

I'll take it! I'll try to get it to you soon.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 122 to 143
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 122

Show

Adventurers Are Coming! Adventurers Are Coming!
Elan, Hiram, Timothy, Musing Old Man, Apple Saleswoman, Axe Seller, Axe Seller's Daughter

Hiram: Ahh, what a beautiful morning!
Musing Old Man: Ayup.
Apple Saleswoman: Apples! One copper apiece!
<sign text> Temple of Freya
<sign text> TAVERN
Timothy: Brother Hiram! Brother Hiram!
Hiram: What is wrong, Timothy?
Timothy: Adventurers! Headed straight fer the town!
Hiram: By Freya! Adventurers? Are you certain?
Timothy Yessir. They're armed to the teeth.
Hiram: Adventurers. In our town. I think we all know what this means. We don't have much time to prepare. Do what you can, and may the gods have mercy on all of us.
<sfx> bang! bang! bang!
Axe Seller's Daughter: What's going to happen, Daddy?
Axe Seller: I don't know, Pumpkin. Whatever happens next, never forget this: Don't haggle lower than 70% list price. It cuts too deep into our margins.
Axe Seller's Daughter: *sniff* I love you Daddy!
<sign text> Hand Axes: Two for One!
<banner text> Healing! Cheap!
<sign text> Missing Limbs -- 25% off!
Apple Saleswoman: Apples! One platinum apiece!
<sign text> Cryptic Musings by Old Man: 200 gp
<tumbleweed price tag text> 12 gp
<sign text> TAVERN
<sign text> Quest Special! 2 drink minimum
Elan: I love small towns!

Spoiler: Strip 123

Show

Double Your Entendre, Double Your Fun
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Let's stay here tonight. We'll be about our business in the morning. Two rooms.
Haley: Vaarsuvius, you're with me.
Vaarsuvius: As you wish.
<desk text> INN
<door text> 2A
<door text> 2B
Elan: I am so tired.
Roy: Don't talk to me about tired, please.
Haley: Hey V, can you help me for a second?
Elan: Is that Haley's voice?
Roy: Cheap inn means thin walls.
Vaarsuvius: Of course. What assistance do you require?
Haley: Can you help me take this top off?
Vaarsuvius: My, those are quite lovely, Miss Starshine!
Haley: Oh thanks!
Vaarsuvius: So round and flawless.
Haley: Aren't they just, though?
Vaarsuvius: How long have you had them?
Haley: Since I was 12, I guess. They came from my mother's side. I'm surprised you don't have your own set, V.
Vaarsuvius: I do, actually, but they are not nearly so large. Forgive me if I am being too forward, but I must ask if I may please touch them.
Haley: Well, OK, but be gentle. Don't twist them or anything.
Vaarsuvius: They are certainly very smooth.
Haley: Tee hee!
<sfx> CRASH!!
<cutaway>
Vaarsuvius: Did you hear that?
Haley: I'm sure it's just the boys eavesdropping and misinterpreting our conversation about these two gemstones (that my mother gave me) for something dirty.
Vaarsuvius: Ahhh, I see.

Spoiler: Strip 124

Show

Ding!
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Rat

Haley: Hey guys! Guys! I just went up a level!
Roy: Actually, since you came from upstairs, you just went DOWN a level.
Belkar: Ugh, let's not start that again.
Haley: No, really, I checked my XP total when I woke up. We must have gotten a story award for completing the Xykon quest.
Elan: Sweet!
Roy: Hold on, let me check my total....
<sfx> DING!
Roy: Hey! I gained a level too! Nice!
<sfx> DING!
Durkon: Och! Me too!
(D): Oh! Me too!
<sfx> DING!
Elan: Woot!
<sfx> DING!
Vaarsuvius: Exxxxcellent.
Belkar: DAMN IT!
Elan: Gee, Belkar, I guess you were a little behind us on XP when we started.
Belkar: Hold that thought.
Rat: Squeak?
Belkar: Crap. Too low of a Challenge Rating, I didn't even earn any XP.
Elan: Awww, that poor little rat! *Sniff* Belkar, stop hurting the rats. You need to defeat something close to the same level as you to earn XP.
Belkar: Hmmmm. Same level, you say?
<Elan's head text> XP
Belkar: Stand still! I just need to "defeat" you!
Elan: Help! Help! I don't want to be a hat!

Spoiler: Strip 125

Show

Free Experience
Elan, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Elan: <singing> Run, run, run, run away from my psychotic teammate!
Roy: Belkar! Belkar, you can’t kill Elan for experience points.
Belkar: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Roy: Because if you kill Elan for XP, we’ll kill YOU for XP.
Haley: Even split four ways, it’s worth it.
Belkar: You make a persuasive argument. And by that, I mean there are more of you and you are using that to coerce me into obeying your moral code.
Roy: I’ll take it.
Elan: Thank you for saving me.
Vaarsuvius: Actually, I was expecting we’d have to kill Belkar. I could have used the additional XP for scribing scrolls.
Belkar: This is just so unfair. Everyone else gets to level up but me? Am I so horrible? When I was young, I was the smallest and the weakest. They never let me play in all their halfling games, like Throw the Rock, or Throw the Stick, or Throw the Rock and Then the Stick shortly Thereafter. All I wanted was to grow up to be a big strong adventurer and go out into the world where I would be accepted. And then, some day, I could return to my home village……and brutally murder them in their dreamless sleep. But now…will my dream ever come true?
<sfx> DING!
Belkar: HAH! Score!
Roy: What just happened?
Belkar: Roleplaying XP, sucker! All I have to do is spin a sob story about my past and BOOM! Bonus experience points for me!
Roy: Uh, I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work guys…
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm. Do you think I could pay for my scroll scribing XP costs with a well-told tale of a drug-addled past of some sort?
Belkar: Sky’s the limit, Ears, sky’s the limit.

Spoiler: Strip 126

Show

Multiclass Struggles
Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Elan: So, you got your level. Another level of ranger then?
Belkar: Actually, I was thinking of multiclassing.
Elan: Oh yeah? To what class?
Belkar: Barbarian. Figured it’d be a good way to burn off some excess aggression.
Elan: I completely support that decision.
Belkar: What about you? Throwing good levels after bad with another bard level?
Elan: Maybe. I was considering taking a level of wizard, though.
Belkar: Wizard? Really? I didn’t know you’ve been studying wizardry.
Elan: I haven’t been. But if I Multiclass to wizard, it’s retroactively assumed that I’ve been looking over Vaarsuvius’ shoulder this whole time and taking notes about magic.
Belkar: But, you haven’t been.
Elan: But it’s assumed that I have been. Get it?
Belkar: Nice.
Vaarsuvius: What? You never studied magic under me!!
Elan: Yeah, but that doesn’t matter because I started my career as a bard. All I have to do is decide to take a level of wizard and BOOM! Instant knowledge.
Vaarsuvius: Are you serious?? I studied for a century before I even mastered my first 1st level spell!
Elan: Well, gee, you should have taken your first level in something easy, like bard or rogue.
Belkar: Seriously.
Elan: I mean, if you’ve started as a bard, like me, you could have cruised through a few weeks of Bard Camp to get your first level, then pick up the wizard class later.
Vaarsuvius: That hardly seems fair!
Elan: Hey, nobody forced you to study hard and make something of yourself.
Belkar: Yeah, I never studied nothing, and last time I checked we’re the same level.
Vaarsuvius: This—that’s—ARRRGHH!
Elan: It’s true what they say: “Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!”
Belkar: True dat.

Spoiler: Strip 127

Show

New Wizard in Town
Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Elan: BEHOLD!
Roy: Oh, that can’t be a good sign.
Elan: It is I, your new party wizard! I am powerful and stuff!
Roy: If I don’t look directly at it, it can’t kill my brain.
Vaarsuvius: Elan, you are not—
Elan: Not Elan—Elanicalius, a name more befitting a mighty wizard like me!
Roy: Can’t hear either.
Elan: Can’t you see my wizard dress and my wizard stick and my pointy wizard hat? Why would I wear this stuff if I were not a wizard? I am here to use my frabjulitulity to mictifarcate your giltooney! Lo! My junurtiquity is most biollorky! Bask in the power of my meckalecka-hi, meckahiney-ho!
Vaarsuvius: THAT IS ENOUGH! I will allow you to mock neither me nor my noble mystical profession any longer! You are NOT a wizard, powerful or otherwise! You are, in fact, a simpering buffoon without the brain power required to dress yourself, much less manage the lowliest of Cantrips. You are not but an addle-brained fool!!
Elan: BWAAAAAAAA! I just, I just wanted to be smart and cool and powerful like you Vaarsuvius and, and I’m sorry and, and, and…BWAAAAAAAAAA!
Belkar: Wow. You made Elan cry. Even I’ve never done that. It must be a real kick in the gut, knowing that you utterly crushed his fragile spirit. Must really make you feel guilty that—
Vaarsuvius: Crushing Despair
Belkar: Sob! Poor Elan!

Spoiler: Strip 128

Show

The More You Know…
Haley, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Elan

Haley: Nice, Vaarsuvius. No really, nice job. Elan admires you, wants to be like you, and you made him cry.
Vaarsuvius: My apologies, I will remedy the situation.
Haley: Oh no! I saw how you "remedied" Belkar.
<cutaway>
Belkar: I’m going to die alone and unloved.
<cutback>
Haley: You’re going to march out to the porch and make amends withOUT using magic on Elan.
Vaarsuvius: But my Charisma is—
Haley: —Not my problem. Go!
Vaarsuvius: Hello. I brought you your staff.
Elan: Don’t need it. Don’t wanna be a wizard anymore. Wizards are big stupid mean meanie-heads.
Vaarsuvius: I, I came to apologize to you, Elan. I was overly sensitive to comments I perceived to cast aspersions on my chosen profession.
Elan: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: I thought you were mocking wizards. What would you do if I mocked the bards?
Elan: I’d probably laugh.
Vaarsuvius: Really??
Elan: Yeah, why not? I mean, being a bard is pretty silly. You walk into dungeons and SING at people. Who could take that seriously?
Vaarsuvius: Being a wizard is not like that at all. One is always serious and studious, carefully examining and analyzing. One rarely has time for fun and games. But if being a wizard is what you desire, I would be proud to have you as a colleague.
Elan: Actually…being a wizard kind of sounds like a downer. I think I’ll stick with bard.
Vaarsuvius: As you wish. But either way, I am deeply sorry I yelled at you.
Elan: And I’m sorry you took offense at my wizard costume. Thanks, V!
Vaarsuvius: Thank you, Elan.
Belkar: Sniff! I love you guys!

Spoiler: Strip 129

Show

Rock Solid Investment
Belkar, Roy, Haley, Durkon

Belkar: Oh, someday there will be a reckoning, elf, oh yes…
Roy: If you guys are done with the Afterschool Special, we have crucial business here.
Haley: That’s right, Roy. It’s time for the most important part of any successful adventure. It’s time…To divide the LOOT! Roy had go over the gems, jewelry, and other nonmagical loot we hauled back from the dungeon. Using my high Appraise skill, I’ve divided the treasure perfectly. Roy, Balkar, Elan, Vaarsuvius, and Durkon each get an even share of the 11,340 gp worth of gold and gems. While I take these five ordinary valueless grey rocks we found in Xykon’s throne room. Deal?
Durkon: Wait, I dinnae und’rstand. Yer givin’ up yer share o’ tha treasure? Ye??
(D): Wait, I don’t understand. Your giving up your share of the treasure? You??
Roy: No, wait, don’t you see? She must know that those rocks are worth a lot. More than our even split, I’d wager, or she wouldn’t be trying to get them all like that.
Durkon: Och! Tha makes mur sense. She be tryin’ ta swindle us!
(D): Och! That makes more sense. She be trying to swindle us!
Roy: I’m sorry, Haley, I’m going to have to insist that those rocks be evenly divided among us.
Durkon: Ya!
Haley: Are you sure? They’re just plain old rocks, no value whatsoever?
Roy: Nice try!
Haley: Sigh. I guess you guys no me too well. But there are only five of them, so someone’s not getting one.
Roy: I think it’s only fair that YOU not get one Haley.
Haley: Now wait just a minute. If we each get an even share of the gold AND the five of you each get a rock, then you’ve clearly gotten more than I have. I refuse to get ripped off here! I better hold on to at least one…
Roy: Sorry, Haley. We’ll give you a double share of the gold and stuff to keep things fair, but you’re not getting one of the rocks.
Haley: Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to accept getting twice as much gold as the rest of you.
Roy: You brought this on yourself, you know.
Haley: Yes, yes I did.

Spoiler: Strip 130

Show

Itempalooza
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Belkar, Haley, Roy, Elan, Mouse, Purple Wizard, Yellow Wizard, Green Wizard

Vaarsuvius: Gather round, allies, for I have endeavored to discern the true function of these items of mystic power, and now we shall each choose from among them, in the order determined by the random drawing of straws. Durkon, you pick first
Durkon: Aye, I’ll be takin’ tha Amulet o’ Natural Arm’r. It be sendin’ me AC inta tha stratosphere.
(D): Aye, I’ll be taking the Amulet of Natural Armor. It be sending me AC into the stratosphere.
Belkar: He can pronounce “stratosphere” but not “the”?
Vaarsuvius: Belkar, you are next.
Belkar: No question, give me the Ring of Jumping +20.
Vaarsuvius: Really?
Belkar: A magic item that can allow me to rain death from above on my enemies AND lets me reach stuff on the top shelf? Done.
Vaarsuvius: For my reward, I shall choose the very Ring of Wizardry pried off of Xykon’s charred fingerbone. Haley, you are next.
Haley: I’ll take the bag of holding.
Elan: Don’t you have like 7 of those already?
Haley: You can never have enough extradimensional storage space.
Vaarsuvius: Elan, you shall choose next. There are two magic items remaining: the pair of boots and the other bag.
Roy: Say “bag”, say “bag”, say “bag”.
Elan: Boots.
Roy: Crap.
Vaarsuvius: OK, Elan, the Boots of Elvenkind are yours.
Elan: They’re the elveniest boots ever!
Vaarsuvius: Roy, you get the last magic item—the Bag of Tricks.
Roy: Again—crap.
Haley: Bag of Tricks? What does that do?
Roy: Prepare to be underwhelmed.
<sfx> pop!
Mouse: Squeak
Haley: It…makes mice??
Roy: oh, not just mice. Cats, and rats, and bats, and weasels, and probably stripped burrow owls, as long as they are completely useless in battle.
Haley: Wow, that just sucks, Roy. What kind of wizard spends his time making such a stupid magic item?
<flashback>
Purple Wizard: Whoa, OK, seriously, dudes, I got it: A bag…that you can pull animals out of.
Yellow Wizard: That rocks.
Green Wizard: I love you guys.

Spoiler: Strip 131

Show

Money Makes the World Go Round
Roy, Belkar, Haley, Durkon

Roy: Ok, guys, time to go shop and spend some gold. Let’s meet back here for dinner.
Belkar: Yeah! Let’s stimulate the crap out of this economy.
Haley: Have fun, guys. I’ll hold down the fort here.
Durkon: What’s tha matter, Haley? I figured ye’d be jumpin’ a’ tha chance ta spend yer ill-gotten gains.
(D): What’s the matter, Haley? I figured you’d be jumping at the chance to spend your ill-gotten gains.
Haley: Yeah, well, the shops in this town are strictly second-rate. I’m waiting until we get back to the city.
Durkon: Me think ye just like havin’ all tha coins.
(D): I think you just like having all the coins.
Haley: Heh, yeah, you caught me. I like spreading them out and sleeping on them, like a big treasure horde. I’m actually half-dragon, you know.
Durkon: Ha, ha, well, ye sure love tha gold well ‘nuff. See ya at dinner.
(D): Ha, ha, well, you sure love the gold well enough. See you at dinner.
Haley: Later.
<letter text> Miss Haley Starshine, It is our regretful duty to inform you that your father, Ian Starshine, has been imprisoned for crimes against the government of Lord Tyrinar the Bloody, absolute master of the nation of Tyrinaria. He will be incarcerated for a period not to exceed the span of his natural life. However, Lord Tyrinar is not without mercy, and should you, as Mr. Starshine’s only living relative, remit unto our master an appropriate gift of no less that 200,000 gp (cash), he might be willing to grant clemency to your father. Sincerely, Miron Shewdanker Chancellor of Tyrinaria
Haley: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…
Durkon: HA!
Haley: Gah!
Durkon: I knew it! Ye just stayed behind ta count yer coin again! So predictable, lass.
(D): I knew it! You just stayed behind to count your coin again! So predictable, lass.
Haley: Yup that’s me. Greedy to the end. Tee hee.

Spoiler: Strip 132

Show

Kindred Spirits
Belkar, Gortok

Belkar: Oh yeah, THAT’S promising.
<wall text> GRRR! barrbaryunz gild
Belkar: Uh…hello?
Gortok: Hello. Come in. What can Gortok the Destroyer do for you?
Belkar: Right. Well, I’m considering multiclassing to barbarian. Because apparently, I’ve taken leave of my senses.
Gortok: Huzzah! Good choice! Barbarian is very fun class. People think barbarians only good in fights, but there are many hidden benefits to class in social situations. For example, screaming blood fury great ice-breaker at parties. And fast movement good for getting to front of buffet line.
Belkar: Um, OK. I was interested in the more concrete details. How are the health benefits?
Gortok: Very good. High Hit Dice and increased hit points when you rage.
Belkar: And the dental?
Gortok: Not as good. Most barbarians wear their teeth down gnawing on their shields. The rest tend to file their teeth down to points.
Belkar: Hmmm. I’m just not sure.
Gortok: Gortok understands. Here, take these informative pamphlets. They will help you decide.
Belkar: This…this is just a piece of bark. With some kind of mold growing all over it.
Gortok: Yes. Gortok doesn’t actually know what a “pamphlet” is.
Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?
Gortok: Let Gortok answer your question with a question. Who will be the moron after Gortok’s white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled bloody pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?
Belkar: I’m home!
Gortok: Tiny man is violating Gortok’s personal space!

Spoiler: Strip 133

Show

Standardized Testing
Belkar, Gortok, Kuurkk, Lokor, Hak-Tonog

Belkar: Nice ceremonial arena you’ve got yourself here.
Gortok: Thank you. Guild arena used for ritual combat, coming-of-age sacrifices, and as mosh pit for local alternative rock bands. Now, Barbarian Guild can’t allow anyone to join. There must be a test first.
Belkar: Yeah? Bring it on.
Gortok: You must defeat one of the guild’s lower level members in personal combat to be true barbarian. You may choose to face anyone of these 3 barbarians:
Gortok: <voiceover>: Kuurkk the Anemic!
Kuurkk: I’m feeling a little woozy here…
Gortok: <voiceover> Lokor the Chronically Insecure!
Lokor: You’ll probably beat me. Sigh.
Gortok: <voiceover> Or Hak-Tonog the Moderately Incontinent!
Hak-Tonog: Can you excuse me for one moment?
Belkar: Hmmm, a multiple choice test, then? Well, in that case, I choose…
<sfx> swoosh! schlunk! schlunk! splortch!
Belkar: …D! All of the Above!
Gortok: It, uh… it was not supposed to be a fight to the death.
Belkar: Trust me, they’re better off now.
Gortok: Yeah, you’re probably right.

Spoiler: Strip 134

Show

Craft (Plotline)
Roy, Sabine (disguised as Dwarven Blacksmith), Bird

Roy: Everyone I asked told me you were the best blacksmith in town. Can you reforge my ancestral blade?
Sabine: Yes. Yes, I can.
Roy: Fantastic! Whatever it costs, just let me know and I’ll—
Sabine: —but na without tha right metal.
(S): —but not without the right metal.
Roy: Metal? You don’t have any metal??
Sabine: A’course I got metal! Dinae [sic] insult me dwarven honor! But this sword ye got be somethin’ special. Forged out a’ pure starmetal, it be. Finest I’ve ev’r seen, aye.
(S): Of course I got metal! Don’t insult my dwarven honor! But this sword you got be something special. Forged out of pure starmetal, it be. Finest I’ve ever seen, aye.
Roy: “Starmetal”? What’s that?
Sabine: What tha heck does it sound like? Metal tha fell from tha stars! Sweet merciful Odin, ye be a daft one.
(S): What the heck does it sound like? Metal that fell from the stars! Sweet merciful Odin, you be a daft one.
Roy: Really? Because my mom never mentioned that in her stories about it…
Sabine: Fat chance a human woman coulda recogniz’d it on sight. It takes keen dwarven senses ta see it.
(S): Fat chance a human woman could of recognized it on sight. It takes keen dwarven senses to see it.
Roy: Well, I have a dwarven cleric in the party, and he never mentioned it either.
Sabine: Thbbt! Clerics. They be gettin’ so few skill points, I’m surprised they know how ta tie thur own shoes!
(S): Thbbt! Clerics. They be getting so few skill points, I’m surprised they know how to tie their own shoes!
Roy: Point taken. So, you need some of this metal, then?
Sabine: Aye, but good luck findin’ any, lad.
(S): Aye, but good luck finding any, lad.
<cutaway>
Sabine: <voiceover> Tho I’ll tell ye a long-kept secret. Ye might find some a’ tha exact center o’ Wooden Forest, where legend says a meteorite fell over a century ago. But beware, fer those woods are home t’the most deadly o’ monsters!
(S): <voiceover> Though I’ll tell you a long-kept secret. You might find some at the exact center of Wooden Forest, where legend says a meteorite fell over a century ago. But beware, for those woods are home to the most deadly of monsters!
Bird: don’t worry, we all got away.
<cutback>
Roy: So you, a complete stranger, are telling me that I need to go into dangerous territory and bring back some of this “starmetal” for you, and then you can fix my sword.
Sabine: Aye.
Roy: Goddamn it, I hate side quests.

Spoiler: Strip 135

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Potionomics
Vaarsuvius, Eve, Larry

Vaarsuvius: 20 gp for a Potion of Mage Armor? That is by far the lowest price I have ever encountered.
Eve: All potions on the store are 20 go, every day, here at Eve & Larry’s Alchemy.
Vaarsuvius: But…a potion of Mage Armor costs 25 gp to make.
Eve: True. And no one in the land prices them as low as we do!
Vaarsuvius: Wait—you sell potions for less than it costs to produce them?
Eve: Yup!
Vaarsuvius: How do you possible stay in business?
Larry: One word, my elven friend: Volume.
Eve: We sell so many potions at such a low price, we make up the difference in volume.
Vaarsuvius: No, you don’t. You just lose more money on each sale.
Larry: How do you figure?
Vaarsuvius: Perhaps, just perhaps, I gleamed it through a rudimentary understanding of basic economic theory? You must charge customers more than it costs to make the product, or else you will not actually make any profit.
Larry: Our low prices increase traffic to the store, though.
Vaarsuvius: You do not sell anything BUT potions. Increased traffic simply means you will go broke that much faster.
Larry: But we’re so successful! We’ve sold hundreds of potions this month alone!
Vaarsuvius: At a loss!
Larry: Right!
Eve: Good news, Larry. Someone just bought out our entire supply of healing potions!
Larry: Great!
Vaarsuvius: No! Not great! I apologize for my raised voice, but I am trying to aid you in keeping your business. You just gave away potent magical assets for a fraction of their value! You lost thousands of gold on that sale!
Eve: Hmmm. Y’know, Larry, she might have a point.
Larry: Perhaps. But I know just the thing to turn business around. A sale!
Eve: Yes! We’ll slash prices across the board!
Vaarsuvius: My conscience is now appeased. 27 Heroism potions, please.

Spoiler: Strip 136

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It’s Not a Gaming Session Until Someone Quotes Monty Python
Roy, Jiminy

<sfx> jingle!
Roy: Good morning!
Jiminy: Good morning, sir! Welcome to the Polearm Emporium!
Roy: Thank you, my good man.
Jiminy: What can I do for you, sir?
Roy: My greatsword seems to have been rent in twain, and being as my venture to reconstruct it has been temporarily quelled, I require a suitable proxy for my broken bequest.
Jiminy: Eh?
Roy: I need a new weapon.
Jiminy: Certainly, sir! What can I get for you?
Roy: Well, I’ve always wanted to try a ranseur.
Jiminy: I’m afraid we’re fresh out of ranseurs, sir.
Roy: Never mind, how about a good halberd then?
Jiminy: I’m afraid we never have them this time of year. We get newly forged ones in the spring.
Roy: Hmmm. Well, stout yeoman, a sturdy trident, if you please.
Jiminy: Ah! They’ve been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting them this morning.
Roy: It’s not my lucky day, is it? A partisan, then.
Jiminy: Sorry, sir.
Roy: Awl pike?
Jiminy: Sorry.
Roy: Bill hook?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Any corseques, perchance, bat-wing or otherwise?
Jiminy: Ummm…no.
Roy: Fauchard?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Military fork?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Fauchard-forks?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Naginata? Nagamaki? Fukoro yari?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Voulge, perhaps?
Jiminy: Ahh! We have voulges, yessir.
Roy: You do!?! Excellent, I’ll have one of them.
Jiminy: Yes. It’s…ah, it’s a bit heavy.
Roy: Oh, I like heavy weapons.
Jiminy: Well…it’s very heavy, actually.
Roy: No matter! Fetch hither the voulge.
Jiminy: I think it’s a bit heavier then [sic] you like it, sir.
Roy: I don’t care how frelling heavy it is, hand it over.
Jiminy: OK, here it is—Ohhhh! Termites got it. Ate the handle straight through.
Roy: …Did they?
Jiminy: Yes. Quite the problem ‘round here.
Roy: …Scythe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Bardiche?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Poleaxe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Lochaber axe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Bohemian earspoon?
Jiminy: Not today, sir, no.
Roy: You do HAVE some polearms, don’t you?
Jiminy: Of course. It’s a Polearm shop. We have—
Roy: No, no! I’d like to guess.
Jiminy: Fair enough.
Roy: Bec de corbin?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Ox tongue?
Jiminy: Mmmm…No.
Roy: Spetum?
Jiminy: Yes, definitely.
Roy: Ah, well, I’ll have one of those then.
Jiminy: Oh! I thought you were asking if I’d spayed the cat.
Roy: …
Jiminy: Just good sense, y’know.
Roy: …Glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Guisarme?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-guisarme?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: I think you’re drifting into another sketch, sir.
Roy: Ah, how about the longspear?
Jiminy: Don’t have much call for longspears.
Roy: Don’t have much— It’s the single most popular polearm in the world!
Jiminy: Not around here, sir.
Roy: Oh? And what’s the most popular Polearm around here?
Jiminy: Lucern hammers, sir.
Roy: Sigh. Do you have any lucern hammers?
Jiminy: Nnnnnnnnno. Fresh out,
Roy: That one was my fault, really. I should have known better by now. Have you, in fact, got any polearms here at all?
Jiminy: Yes, sir.
Roy: Really?
Jiminy: No. Not really, sir.
Roy: You haven’t?
Jiminy: No sir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Roy: You realize that if I could actually purchase a weapon, I would stab you with it now?
Jiminy: The irony is staggering, sir, yes.

Spoiler: Strip 137

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Teh Gewd Gods (The Good Gods)
Cleric of Freya, Elan, Thor, Odin

Cleric of Freya: Welcome to the Temple of Freya!
Elan: Hi! We’d like to join your organization.
Cleric of Freya: Of course, Freya embraces those who wish to worship her.
Elan: Worship? Oh, no, ha ha, no, see, we don’t want to join your church. We want to join your pantheon!
<sign text> I’m back, baby!
Cleric of Freya: Uh…excuse me?
Elan: Y’know, this little collective thing you’ve got going here. The thing Thor’s a member of.
Cleric of Freya: You wish to be a god?
Elan: No, no, Banjo the Clown here already IS a god. I’m just trying to increase his unique prayers-per-day. You guys have got a great system set up here. Each of the gods plugs the other ones so you can share audiences. Very shrewd. Tell me, do you have some kind of revenue sharing? T-shirt deals?
Cleric of Freya: Sir, the Asgardian Pantheon is not some kind of…of marketing scheme! You cannot just “join” it!
Elan: So does this mean you aren’t accepting submissions at this time?
Cleric of Freya: I do not believe Lord Odin would be accepting “submissions” from mortals for godhood at any time!
Elan: Oh, I see. Once your deity gets in the Top 10, they’ve got no time for the little guy! Or is it that Banjo is a puppet? Is that it, discrimination? Don’t make me call the Puppet Civil Liberties Union!
<puppet suitcase text> PCLU
Freya: The gods are being of divine cosmic power! Older than the world itself! They are not recruiting!
Elan: Fine! Lord Banjo never wanted to be in your stupid pantheon anyway!
<cutaway>
Thor: Never mind, Dad, he just said he didn’t want to be in the pantheon.
Odin: Aww, but I like puppets.

Spoiler: Strip 138

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Tomorrow’s Technology Today
Gnome Merchant, Durkon, Muskrat

<sign text> Fine Gnomish Armor
Gnome Merchant: Hello! Hello, good sir! Looking for some armor? Of course you are, of course!
Durkon: Me armor be good a’ tha protectin’, na so much at tha bein’ quiet.
(D): Me armor be good at the protecting, not so much at the being quiet.
Gnome Merchant: Ah, a common problem with the heavier armors. Lucky for you, I have been experimenting with some ideas to quiet down any armor. How about we try a few of them? This is my first idea. We surround the armor and wearer with a thick airtight plastic shell. Guaranteed 100% soundproof. What do you think?
Durkon:
Gnome Merchant: What?
Durkon:
Gnome Merchant: What? Ok, well, how about this then: the armor is equipped with a box of specially-trained hornets. On command, they swarm out and puncture the eardrums of everyone within sight.
<sfx> buzzzz!
Durkon: Isn’t that a wee bit harsh?
Gnome Merchant: Well, it’s like my father always used to say: You can’t make an omelet without permanently deafening someone. OK, then, try this: The Muskrat 3000. It consists of the suit of armor and a half-blind muskrat with 17 cymbals strapped to it.
<sfx> clang! clang! clang! clang! clang!
Durkon: How does THA make me any quiet’r??
(D): How does THAT make me any quieter?
Gnome Merchant: It doesn’t. But if you release the muskrat ahead of you in the dungeon, it makes so much racket that the monsters ignore you. The up side is, it doubles as a trap detection system. The down side involves druids with pointy sticks.
Muskrat: What? It beats working retail.

Spoiler: Strip 139

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How to Keep the Party Together
Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Belkar

Roy: <voiceover> …and so the starmetal sits in the forest, and we need to go get it.
<cutaway>
Haley: Sorry, Roy. I took the liberty of examining our original contracts while the rest of you were shopping they specified that we are obligated to continue working together until “Xykon is defeated, once and for all.” So if you want me to join you, you’ll need to make it worth my while.
Roy: Well, that’s absolutely true. I can’t order any of you to come along, so I guess I’m asking for volunteers.
Vaarsuvius: Starmetal would make an excellent component in any number of magical items. I will go.
Durkon: Aye, an’ I’ve got naught ta do in human lands until I’m called home, so sure, I’m in.
(D): Aye, and I’ve got naught to do in human lands until I’m called home, so sure, I’m in.
Elan: Oooo! Oooo! Pick me! Pick me!!
Roy: I’ll take that to mean you wish to join us as well. Belkar? C’mon, the team could use another warrior.
Belkar: Nope. I don’t really give a crap about your dumb sword, and I’m tired of your pointless rules, like “Don’t kill Elan.” Count me out.
Roy: That’s too bad. I guess you won’t get to test yourself against…uh…
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> …the giants. Yeah, uh, a bunch of really tough giants guard the starmetal. I forgot to mention that, but it’s absolutely true.
<sfx> POP! POP!
<cutback>
Roy: That’s OK, though, they’re probably way too tough for you.
Belkar: Screw that! I’m in, and how dare you try to keep me off the team like that.
Haley: Smooth, Roy. Tricks like that might work on Belkar, but you’ll really need to work to make me go for it.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> They’re, uh, king giants. Totally loaded, crowns and everything.
<sfx> POP! POP! POP!
<cutback>
Haley: Really? Well, OK, then, I guess I’ll go.
Roy: Whew, Natural 20 on an untrained Bluff check…
Elan: Wait, if they were king giants, wouldn’t they have subjects to guard it for them?
Roy: Now is not the time to start being entirely reasonable, Elan. Just roll with it.

Spoiler: Strip 140

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My Little Pony
Roy, Durkon, Horse Seller

Roy: Wooden Forest is a long way from here, so we’ll need to buy mounts.
Belkar: You say this as if you expect me to care.
<barn text> Discount Horses
Horse Seller: Hello there!
Roy: Hey. We need 4 horses and 2 ponies.
Belkar: Ponies?
Horse Seller: Certainly! Back in a jiffy.
Belkar: Which losers get stuck with the ponies?
Roy: Durkon and you.
Belkar: Excuse me? A pony?!? Do I look like an 11-year-old girl to you? Do I have pink ribbons in my hair of which I’m unaware? Careful examination will reveal that I’m an adult male!
Roy: Yeah, I’ll pass on that.
Belkar: Get a pony for Beardy McBeerstein if you want, but there’s no freakin’ way I’m riding a pony. I’d rather walk.
Roy: Sigh.
Horse Seller: Here you go.
Roy: Change of plans. Do you have anything else for…”vertically challenged” adventurers?
Horse Seller: Well, we do have a riding dog.
Belkar: Riding dog! Now see, THAT’S pretty cool.
Roy: Oh?
Belkar: Yeah. A fierce canine, barely domesticated, more dog than wolf! Imagine me riding on the back of such a powerful beast, it’s sharp teeth barred in a predatory snarl. The smell of blood will drive it into a frenzy as it attacks foes in a whirlwind of fangs and claws! Hell yeah, I’ll take the riding dog. Let’s unleash the fury!

Spoiler: Strip 141

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Horse Sense
Haley, Vaarsuvius, Roy, Elan, Durkon, Belkar

Haley: Horses? Uh, Roy, I’m a rogue. I don’t know how to ride a horse.
Vaarsuvius: Nor do I, Miss Starshine, but I am certain that the skilled Sir Greenhilt can instruct us.
Roy: Well, um, actually I only have 1 skill rank in Ride.
Haley: You’re kidding!! Didn’t you go to graduate school for this kind of thing?
Roy: I fulfilled my Animal Husbandry credit requirement with two semesters of Goat Herding.
Haley: Goat herding?
Roy: What? It seemed like an easy “A”.
Haley: Well this is just great. You know enough to get by, but you can’t teach us.
Roy: How was I supposed to know you couldn’t ride at all?
Elan: Don’t worry. To get started, just put your left foot in the stirrup and swing your right foot over. Make sure to hold onto the pommel while you do, ‘cause you could slip otherwise. What? Do I have something on my face?
Haley: You…you KNOW something!
Elan: What, how to ride a horse? O course, of course! My first job as a bard was as herald to a mighty knight. We used to ride everywhere together.
Haley: But isn’t Ride a cross-class skill for you?
Elan: My mommy always used to say that cross-class learning was the key to a rich and fulfilling life.
Vaarsuvius: Well, in that case I defer to your superior expertise, Elan.
Haley: Gotta love a man on a noble steed.
Durkon: Lead on, laddie!
Roy: Elan knows more than me…It’s like everything is backwards…up is down…black is white…the whole foundation of my universe is collapsing!
Belkar: Are you OK? I’m really worried about you.
Roy: GAAAH!
Belkar: Gotcha. Sucker.
Roy: And yet, I find it oddly comforting.

Spoiler: Strip 142

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Misdirection and Subterfuge
Sabine (disguised as Dwarven Blacksmith), Roy, Belkar, Nale, Village Woman, Thog, Blacksmith

Sabine: Farewell!! Bring me back the starmetal, laddie!
Roy: Yeah, yeah, I remember the plot.
Belkar: “Are you OK?” Heh heh, yeah right…
Nale: I take it he bought the story?
Sabine: Hook, line, and proverbial sinker, honey.
Village Woman: Aaaah!!
Sabine: What I don’t get, though, is why go through all the trouble to send Roy after this starmetal. Won’t that just make his sword that much stronger?
Nale: Well, were the oaf to actually find and retrieve it, then yes, theoretically. But the rumor about that meteorite has been around for decades. If it ever existed, some other group of adventurers would have claimed it by now. I mean, seriously, it has “quest” written all over it. By sending him out there on a plausible fool’s errand, it keeps the heat off us while we engage in the business at hand.
Sabine: And what business would that be?
Nale: Recruiting replacement members for a new Linear Guild, naturally. We lost three allies when we last faced my brother Elan. When I seek my revenge on him, I intend for the outcome to be more favorable. We’re just lucky I spotted the creepy little psychopath when I was picking Thog up from his Barbarian’s Guild sleepover, or we’d have no idea they managed to escape Xykon. As an extra added bonus, if half the things I’ve heard regarding the Wooden Forest are true, I wouldn’t give you a copper piece for their chances to all make it back alive.
Sabine: Hee. I hope the skank survives, though. I want to kill her myself.
Nale: Ooh, it gets me hot when you talk about snuffing out lives. Thog! Pack up your stuff and say goodbye to Mr. Real Blacksmith. We’re going to Cliffport.
Thog: Awwww. Bye-bye, Puppy! Be good while Daddy Thog is gone!
Blacksmith: Help me.

Spoiler: Strip 143

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Do-Over
Haley, Roy, Ogre 1, Ogre 2

Haley: I think I’m gonna name my horse “Whisper”.
Roy: I think I should name my horse “Silver”.
Ogre 1: I think you should name your horse “Midday Snack”.
Roy: We have GOT to start looking behind us more often. OK, fine, you got us, let’s roll initiative.
Haley: Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn’t the horses get Spot checks?
Ogre 1: Excuse me?
Roy: Yeah! They have eyes, they might have seen you before you spoke.
Ogre 1: Hey, it’s not my fault you forgot to make checks for your mounts.
Ogre 2: Yeah, seriously.
Haley: Listen, the horses have a Wisdom score, so they have a Spot, so therefore they get to make their own Spot check, whether we remember or not.
Ogre 1: Grrr. OK, fine, fine.
Haley: So you two leave and come back, and we’ll see if the horses Spot you.
Ogre 1: Let’s just try to hurry this up.
<sfx> munch munch munch
Haley: Darn it, Whisper.
Ogre 1: Can we get this Surprise Round started?
Ogre 2: Oprah’s on at 4.

Previous Book | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 144 to 165
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 144

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Pop Goes the Weasel
Haley, Roy, Durkon, Ogre 1, Ogre 2
Haley: Hey fearless leader, any chance you might honor us with you presence at the FRONT of the party?
Roy: I don’t have a weapon! I couldn’t get one in that crappy little town.
Haley: Great. And because you’re a fighter, instead of, of, say, ANY OTHER CLASS, you’re useless without one. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Roy: Look, I got a broken hilt and the stupid Bag of Tricks. What do you want from me??
Haley: Pick one and quite whining, maybe?
Roy: Fine. Hi ho, Silver.!
<sfx> pop!
Durkon: Ye have chosen…poorly.
(D): You have chosen…poorly.
Ogre 1: BELCH! Hey, they’re serving hors d’oeuvres!
Ogre 2: Swanky!

Spoiler: Strip 145

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Mr(s). Wizard Explains It All
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Corporal

Vaarsuvius: The time has come to end this battle. Lightning Bolt! Magic Missile! Fireball! Another Fireball!
<sfx> ZZZAP! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! BOOM! BOOM!
Elan: Wow! Great job, Vaarsuvius. But aren’t you worried about using up all your spells for the day in one encounter?
Vaarsuvius: Nonsense. There shall be no additional encounters before we rest.
Elan: Really? How do you know, V?
Vaarsuvius: Simple, the laws of encounter probability tell me so. Here, step over to the chalkboard and let me show you a simple problem.
<chalkboard text> Adventuring Party A leaves Blue Castle on Day1 and travels overland on foot to the Dungeon of Horrors, 17 days away. Adventuring Party B leaves Green Castle on Day 7 and travels to the same dungeon and arrives six days later. Given that the lands between the castles and the dungeon are nondescript and no plot-related villains are involved, which party has more random encounters?
Vaarsuvius: Do you know the answer?
Elan: Ummm…Party A?
Vaarsuvius: Let’s find out.
<chalkboard text> ANSWER: Neither! Both adventuring parties have exactly one random encounter, no matter how far they travel.
Elan: I don’t get it.
Vaarsuvius: Each party has one (and only one) encounter because random encounters are tedious, and a waster of everyone’s valuable time. So no matter how long the journey, you only have one random encounter before everyone gets bored and moves on to the main plot.
Elan: Ohhh. Thanks, Vaarsuvius. Now I know.
Vaarsuvius: And knowing is half the battle.
Corporal: G.I. Joe!

Spoiler: Strip 146

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Role Reversal
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Haley, Belkar

Roy: Nightfall! Time to camp, everyone.
Vaarsuvius: See? There have been no new encounters.
Elan: Yay, science!
Roy: It is kind of weird to be resting based on the cycle of the day, rather than waiting until we run out of spells.
Haley: Yeah, it’s so complicated with the sun and the moon and all that stuff.
Roy: I guess I’m taking watch, as usual.
Belkar: Not so fast, buddy. I’m not certain I feel safe with you standing watch over me any more.
Roy: You have got to be kidding me.
Belkar: Not at all. You have proven to be completely unreliable.
Roy: Identify with the proverbial pot much?
Belkar: I’m serious. You didn’t bring a weapon, Roy. It’s a frickin’ SIDE QUEST, it’s going to be nothing but a forest full of encounters with a prize at the end. I mean, we actually sold the sword Elan found in Xykon’s treasure because YOU said you didn’t need it. First you barely know how to ride a horse, and now you forgot to pack a secondary weapon? What is that crap? You are falling apart man. In all my years, I’ve never seen such a lack of discipline. I am so deeply disappoi—
<sfx> pop!
Belkar: Mmmph!

Spoiler: Sketches Below Comic

Show

OOTS Fan: I want you to sketch my character. He's a Human Fighter, and he has a really great backstory about how he was lost one day and was found later, but changed his outlook and ever since, he's been really different.
Rich Burlew: That's great. Any thoughts on, oh I don't know, maybe what he LOOKS LIKE?
<banner text> Rich at Winter Fantasy 2005. Thanks to the WOTC & RPGA Staff for a great convention!

Spoiler: Strip 147

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The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Demon Roach 3, Monster in the Dark, Redcloak, Xykon

Demon Roach 1: Is it much farther, Papa Roach?
Demon Roach 2: Not far now.
Monster in the Dark: Hey Redcloak, can I hold Xykon’s whatchamacallit for a while?
Redcloak: It’s called a phylactery, and no, you can’t.
Monster in the Dark: Awwww, why not?
Redcloak: Because his undead spirit will soon start regenerating a new skeletal body for him, and he might need my aid immediately. Besides, you’ll break it,
Monster in the Dark: No I won’t! I promise!
Redcloak: You won’t break it? OK, then where are your Power Ranger figures right now?
Monster in the Dark: Ummm…broken.
Redcloak: Exactly.
Xykon: Hey, gang, no bickering! We’re all part of one big evil team here, right? Sure, we had a setback there, but all we need to do is stick together. If we all pitch in, we’ll be back on top soon. One for all and all for one, right?
Redcloak: I can’t help but notice that your sense of spirit is inversely proportionate to your number of functioning appendages, sir.
Demon Roach 3: He shoots, he scores!
Xykon: Cute. Did you actually grow a spine there, Redcloak?
Redcloak: Perhaps I just got hit with a piece of yours when it exploded, sir.
Xykon: OK, OK, enough. What we really need to do is regroup. We need to find someplace secluded where we can hole up and let me regenerate. Which brings us to the Southern Mountains—first stop on the Xykon Comeback Tour.
Monster in the Dark: Wait, we’re going outside? Yes! Sunlight! Fresh air! Cool breezes! You can’t keep me in those impenetrable shadows all of the time anymore!
Xykon: Oh no, we’ve got that covered. Do you still have it, Redcloak?
Redcloak: It’s right here, sir.
Monster in the Dark: Well, shoot.
Demon Roach 3: *snicker*

Spoiler: Strip 148

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Hobgoblins and You
Monster in the Dark, Xykon, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Goblin

Monster in the Dark: Grumble grumble grumble
Xykon: Quit grumbling!
Monster in the Dark: Mumble mumble mumble
Xykon: Better.
Redcloak: So, why the Southern Mountains, sir?
Xykon: I keep a back-up fortress here, just in case. You never know, you could be relaxing in your den on a lazy Sunday afternoon, reading the paper, when suddenly BAM! A band of unlikely heroes puts aside their differences and evixts you from their own house. Whoa! What the hell? This valley used to be abandoned like 30 years ago!
Demon Roach 1: There goes the neighborhood.
<zoom in>
Redcloak: <voiceover> Ugh. Looks like hobgoblins, sir. Hundreds of them.
<zoom out>
Xykon: I have an idea.
Redcloak: Please don’t recruit the hobgoblins, Lord Xykon.
Xykon: Hey, I need new minions, I’m down to my last goblin, and it’s only a matter of time before you kick the bucket.
Redcloak: I love you too, sir.
Xykon: Besides, I would think you’d be happy to have more gobo blood on the team.
Redcloak: Goblin, yes. Hobgoblin, no. They’re disgusting pompous jerks.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: <voiceover> There’s a long history of my people being bullied by the hobgoblins.
Goblin: ♪
<paper text> cleave me!
<cutback>
Redcloak: All efficiency, and warrior’s codes and sense of duty, with their military this and their discipline that, and— —and I’m not helping, my case at all, am I?
Xykon: It’s official: Orange is the new green.
Demon Roach 1: I’ll inform Milan.

Spoiler: Strip 149

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Cultural Differences
Hobgoblin Cleric, Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Dark, Hobgoblin Supreme Leader

Hobgoblin Cleric: And lo, let the hobgoblin Ritual of Manhood commence!
Redcloak: Before we get started, I’d just like to take this opportunity to personally thank my Lord Xykon for giving me this chance to plumb the murky depths of my chosen career.
Xykon: Quit your complaining. It’s not MY fault that none of the other goblins are around.
Redcloak: The more open-minded might be inclined to think that since you lead them all to their untimely deaths at the hands of a group of adventurers that yes, yes it IS your fault.
Hobgoblin Cleric: The Ritual of Manhood is then followed by the Ritual of Public Spanking.
Redcloak: Remind me why I’m doing this again.
Monster in the Dark: In order to be a hobgoblin leader, you need to be an official member of the hobgoblin tribe. So you have to go through their stupid rituals to become an honorary hobgoblin.
Hobgoblin Cleric: And then, the Ritual of Uncomfortable Piercings in Private Places shall begin.
Redcloak: And after that, THEN am I am honorary hobgoblin?
Hobgoblin Cleric: No, not until you complete the Ritual of Doing the First Four Rituals Over Again, Only Slower and While Singing.
Xykon: Wait, wait, wait. I’m all for humiliating Redcloak, but we’re kind of in a time crunch here. Is there any way to fast track the process of becoming your supreme leader?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Well, you could simply vanquish the current supreme leader—
Redcloak: Done!
<sfx> slay living!
Redcloak: Wow, that was actually quite liberating.
Xykon: Hey, you over there. That guy WAS your supreme leader, right?
<caption text> Scepter of Supreme Leadership
<caption text> Headdress of Supreme Leadership
<caption text> Shiny Gold Amulet of Supreme Leadership
Hobgoblin Supreme Leader: Yes. Yes, he was.

Spoiler: Strip 150

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A Comic as Lovely as a Tree
Durkon, Haley, Thor, Dwarven Soldier, Dwarven Captain, Roy

<sign text> Druids Local 303 welcomes you to Wooden Forest
Durkon: May Thor protect me soul as I journey inta the heart o’ darkness.
(D): May Thor protect my soul as I journey into the heart of darkness.
Haley: Durkon, don’t tell me you’re scared of a few forest monsters.
Durkon: Na tha monsters, lass. Something far more sinister: Tha trees!
(D): Not the monsters, lass. Something far more sinister: The trees!
Haley: You’re kidding.
Durkon: Nay! They may look all peacef’l, but they be out ta get us dwarves. I ne’er saw one ‘til I be a man, leavin’ the dwarven tunnels fer good, but I know they be Evil. Haven’t ye ever thought aboot how suspicious it be tha trees can always be found in such large groups? Any why else would me patron, Thor, strike down so many each year with his mighty lightnin’ if they weren’t Evil?
(D): Nay! They may look all peaceful, but they be out to get us dwarves. I never saw one until I be a man, leaving the dwarven tunnels for good, but I know they be Evil. Haven’t you ever thought about how suspicious it be that trees can always be found in such large groups? Any why else would my patron, Thor, strike down so many each year with his mighty lightning if they weren’t Evil?
<cutaway>
Thor: Gotcha!
<cutaway>
Durkon: <voiceover> Back in the homelands, they always be encroachin’ in on our territory.
Dwarven Soldier: Captain, roots are breaching our perimeter in Tunnels F, Q, and V.
Dwarven Captain: If I don’t make it, tell my wife I love her.
<cutback>
Haley: That’s ridiculous. Why would anyone be scared of a tree?
Durkon: Think about it, lass. Just one tree has Colossal size, natural armor, damage reduction, hundreds o’ hitpoints, and enough limbs ta make a dozen or more attacks per round.
(D): Think about it, lass. Just one tree has Colossal size, natural armor, damage reduction, hundreds of hitpoints, and enough limbs to make a dozen or more attacks per round.
Roy: Durkon trees can’t MOVE.
Durkon: Can’t they move, lad? Or is it just tha they move so slow, we cannae see them sneakin’ up on us?
(D): Can’t they move, lad? Or is it just that they move so slow, we cannot see them sneaking up on us?
Roy: So now trees are some kind of stealthy assassin??
Durkon: Gods, yes, man. It’s like yer people are always sayin’: “If a tree kills alone in the forest, does it make a sound?”
(D): Gods, yes, man. It’s like your people are always saying: “If a tree kills alone in the forest, does it make a sound?”

Spoiler: Strip 151

Show

Learning Experience
Elan, Haley, Male Human Bandit, Female Human Bandit, Halfling Bandit

Elan: Hey, look, some kids standing in the path.
Male Human Bandit: Um, surprise! We're, um, bandits, come to rob you of your most valuable possession.
Female Human Bandit: Hand it over.
Halfling Bandit: Uh, what they said.
Haley: Was that supposed to be an ambush?
Elan: That was just lame.
Haley: More sad, really.
Male Human Bandit: Hey, I worked hard on this ambush!
Haley: Listen, you look like a nice enough kid. What are you, 3rd level?
Male Human Bandit: 2nd, miss.
Haley: 2nd level, wow, I remember how it is when you're new. Everything is kobolds and copper pieces, and you get excited over a Potion of Barkskin. Good times. But let me tell you, we've been through a lot of ambushes, by some very professional monsters, and yours--well, it just doesn't measure up.
Male Human Bandit: I was afraid of that...
Haley: So in the interest of helping out the next generation of thieves, I'm going to offer you a few pointers.
Male Human Bandit: Oh! Fantastic, miss. Yes, any advice you could give me would be most appreciated.
Haley: OK, well, here's my #1 tip for archers, learned from years of adventuring. Never allow yourself to be led into the middle of the enemy's melee warriors.
<sfx> bonk!
Male Human Bandit: ow!
<sfx> thunk!
Male Human Bandit: OWW!
Female Human Bandit: You gotta admit, it was a good tip.
Halfling Bandit: Ask her if she has any advice on running away.

Spoiler: Strip 152

Show

Arrow Time
Roy, Durkon, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Male Bandit, Samantha's Father

Male Bandit: Thank you, miss, I'd like to stop learning now.
Samantha's Father: <whispering> Looks like the new kid didn't have what it takes. We better get in there.
Samantha's Father: Bandits! Fire!
Durkon: Hey, where'd tha sun go?
(D): Hey, where'd the sun go?
Roy: Gaah!
<sfx> thunk!
Belkar: AARGH!
<sfx> thunk! thunk! thunk!
Roy: Haley! V! Return fire!
Haley: Y'think?
<sfx> thunk! fizzle!
Samantha's Father: Fall back, bandits! Retreat!
Haley: They just left?
Belkar: Maybe we provided too much resistance?
Vaarsuvius: Yes, I am certain our flesh proved far too springy for their arrows' taste.
Roy: Well, the important thing is, we didn't lose any valuables to those dirty thieves.
Elan: Wooo! Faster! Go faster!!

Spoiler: Strip 153

Show

Priorities
Roy, Durkon, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Haley: Roy, they kidnapped Elan.
Roy: And your point is?
Haley: My point is we have to help him! He's a member of this team!
Roy: See, now, that's where our views seem to diverge. I tend to see Elan more as an obstacle that this team overcomes on a regular basis. Traveling with Elan is kind of like, say, adventuring with syphilis. It can be done, for a while, but it's not easy and it's not pretty. So I say we all just thank the bandits for their allegorical penicillin shot and continue on our way.
Roy: *sigh*
Haley: ...them back to their camp, we should find where they've taken him.
Belkar: And then what?
Haley: And then we enact one of my cunning rescue operations.
Roy: I can't believe you ALL want to save Elan enough to risk your lives.
Durkon: He be tha heart an' soul o' the team, lad.
(D): He's the heart and soul of the team, lad.
Vaarsuvius: He has proven his loyalty to you on several occasions, sir, and I would not discard my hard-earned friendship with him so carelessly.
Roy: Et tu, Belkar?
Belkar: If anyone is going to earn XP from him, it's going to be me. Plus, he makes me laugh. "Roy has boobies". *snicker*
Roy: Well, fine. Saving his useless ass from monsters or Belkar is one thing. Walking into a camp of armed bandits is suicide, though, and you can count me out. I'll keep looking for the starmetal on my own, then.
Haley: Well, that officially takes "Operation: Send the Meat Shield in First" off the table.
Belkar: Not to mention "Operation: Wait for Roy to Come Up With a Better Plan."

Spoiler: Strip 154

Show

One Bird with Two Dozen Arrows
Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Haley: Wow, Belkar, good job tracking down that bandit camp!
Belkar: Bandit camp? You told me we were looking for the nearest strip club.
Haley: It worked, didn't it?
Belkar: Touché.
Haley: We need to be certain they're holding Elan before we mount a rescue operation.
Belkar: Too much neither of our casters learned the spell "Detect Moron".
Haley: Hey, V, why don't you send your familar to scout the camp for him?
Vaarsuvius: My what now?
Haley: Your familiar. The raven?
Belkar: You had him in comic #3.
Vaarsuvius: Ah, right, of course. My trusted familiar is right here by my side, as he has been this entire time.
<sfx> pop!
Haley: Well, I'd like to send--hmmm. What is your raven's name, anyway?
Vaarsuvius: Name? Well, um...
Haley: Don't tell me you never named him!
Vaarsuvius: I am a very busy elf! I plan on getting around to it one of these decades!
Haley: Then I'm naming him now. How about...Blackwing?
Vaarsuvius: As you wish. I don't see why you bothered, I haven't named any of my other class features.
Haley: OK, Blackwing, I want you to fly over the bandit camp and tell me if you can see Elan.
Blackwing: caw! caw!
<sfx> fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft!
Blackwing: <sfx> caw!
Haley: Oh COME ON! How many birds fly overhead every day, and they all decide to shoot THAT one??
Vaarsuvius: Is it too late to change his name to "Piñata"?

Spoiler: Strip 155

Show

Time is On My Side
Durkon, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Vaarsuvius: My raven--
Haley: Blackwing.
Vaarsuvius: Blackwing has scouted the bandit camp. Based on the feelings I am receiving through our empathic link, I believe he spotted Elan. Also, I believe he is asking for morphine.
Haley: Wait, empathic link? I thought raven familiars could speak Common?
Vaarsuvius: Oh, he CAN speak Common. He just won't. He feels it is demeaning to speak in anything but his native raven tongue.
<sfx> heal!
Haley: Roy was right about one thing: there ARE too many bandits to fight. Luckily, fighting isn't my specialty. We'll try to sneak into the camp and free Elan without alerting the bandits to our presence.
<sfx> pop!
Haley: Durkon, that means you need to stay behind. We can't afford for them to hear you, and we'll need backup in case something goes wrong.
Durkon: Aye, lass. Ye can count on me.
(D): Alright, lass. You can count on me.
Haley: I think we should definitely wait for nightfall. It will be much easier to sneak in under cover of darkness.
Vaarsuvius: Agreed.
Belkar: Nightfall? It's midmorning! And I know the limits of my attention span! Who knows what I'll be trying to kill if I have to wait around for hours in one place!
Haley: Nah, don't be silly, Belkar. Check this out. Does anyone have anything they want to do before nightfall?
Belkar: No.
Durkon: Nope.
Vaarsuvius: Not at all.
Haley: Ahem. "Later that evening..."
Belkar: Sweet.

Spoiler: Strip 156

Show

Cunning Escape
Bandit, Other Bandit

<sign text> Definitely NOT a Bandit Camp.
Bandit: Blech. Guard Duty.
Other Bandit: Tell me about it.
Bandit: Time was, we'd be out drinkin' all night after a good pillage, y'know?
Other Bandit: Yup, not no more.
Bandit: Nope. Ever since Sam took over, it's been all work an' no play.
Other Bandit: Yeah. I mean, I used ta like stealin' from the rich an' givin' to the poor, but now every copper piece goes to Sam's coffers.
Bandit: And did you hear what happened to Jim when he questioned it?
Other Bandit: Yeah. Ouch. Those do not grow back, y'know.
Bandit: It's a crying shame, is what it is.
<sfx> sneak! sneak!
Bandit: And can you believe now she's got us kidnapping men she finds attractive?
Other Bandit: Seriously. As gorgeous as Samantha is, you think she wouldn't need to stoop to that.
<sfx> sneak! sneak! sneak! sneak! sneak! sneak!

Spoiler: Strip 157

Show

A Lesson in Leadership
Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Bandit

Haley: Wow, this camp is pretty well guarded. I don't know how we'll get in.
Belkar: What we need is a distraction. Why don't I knock this torch over and set one of the tents on fire?
Haley: I don't think so, Belkar. V, are you still invisible?
Vaarsuvius: Can you see me?
Haley: No.
Vaarsuvius: Then I suppose that answers your question.
Haley: V, try to walk by those guards. See if they notice you at all.
Vaarsuvius: As you command.
Belkar: What would really help is a distraction. Let's set a tent on fire.
Haley: No, Belkar.
Vaarsuvius: I have returned. They seemed to be incapable of discerning my invisible form.
Haley: Perfect. Then here's the plan--
Belkar: Set a tent on fire?
Haley: NO! For the last time, Belkar, we are NOT setting a tent on fire! We're trying to sneak in without letting them know anything is wrong, so no, no, NO fires!
Belkar: Screw it.
Bandit: Look! Intruders!
Haley: Don't worry about outrunning the bandits--worry about outrunning ME!
Belkar: See, now, if you'd shown me that sort of discipline a minute ago, we wouldn't be in this situation!

Spoiler: Strip 158

Show

The Economics of Banditry
Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Samantha's Father

Belkar: Look, mistakes were made, that's all I'm saying.
Samantha's Father: Do any of you have any last words?
Haley: Yes, yes I do: Banditry through pure combat strength is economically and strategically infeasible with such a large group.
Samantha's Father: Wow, I was honestly expecting something more like "Don't kill us."
Haley: But it's true. Beating people up and taking their stuff will never work out for you in the long run. It's because of the wealth-by-level guidelines, really. Everyone of a certain level has a specific degree of wealth, and no one of a lower level can achieve the same amount of riches without gaining levels first. That's why you don't see 1st level rangers with +5 bows. Therefore, anyone worth robbing is powerful enough to defend themselves against your attacks. And anyone weak enough to fall prey probably doesn't have any stuff worth stealing.
Samantha's Father: Nice try, sugar, but I already saw you sweet-talk the new kids. Your trickery won't work twice.
Vaarsuvius: I'm afraid there is no chicanery on Miss Starshine's part, sir. Simple math dictates the futility of your effort. Take ourselves, for example. Your team might defeat us at this point, but the sale price of our gear is a mere pittance compared to the cost of food, equipment, and other expenses for a group your size.
Haley: I mean, the cost of masterwork bows alone!
Belkar: And you can be damn sure we're gonna take a few of your men down with us.
Haley: Right! So that leaves you needing to face a potentially deadly encounter--like us--every week just to maintain the status quo.
Samantha's Father: And if we want to make a decent profit...
Haley: ...you're talking about facing parties of adventurers 2, 3, or 4 levels above us, which is frankly suicidal!
Samantha's Father: Your words are persuasive. I think you should really talk this over with our leader.
Haley: Leader? So you're what, a cohort?? What a waste of time!
Belkar: <whispering> Rogues. Arrows. Point Blank range.
Haley: And when I say, "waste of time," I really mean, "pleasure to speak with you, sir."

Spoiler: Strip 159

Show

Plottus Interruptus
Haley, Elan, Belkar, Samantha, Samantha's Father, Eyepatch Bandit, Mr. Jones

Samantha's Father: Sure, I used to be the leader of the bandits, up until recently.
Haley: <whispering> Listen, all we need to do is swindle this bandit leader guy and we can free Elan and get away. Think of it as "Plan B".
Belkar: "B"? Didn't we go through this already? We're on like Plan Q.
<flashback>
Samantha's Father: <voiceover> For years, we would prey on the wealthy and the universally despised.
Mr. Jones: Get back! I have a restraining order and I'm not afraid to use it!
<end flashback>
Samantha's Father: I would brag that I would allow any bandit that defeated me in solo combat to claim leadership of the camp. It seemed fair, you know? Imagine my embarrassment a few months ago when my teenaged daughter whips my ass in front of the entire clan.
Haley: Wait--the bandit leader is your daughter?
Samantha's Father: Yup. Eighteen and rotten to the core, to my shame. Which wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't manifested sorcerer powers with puberty. In retrospect, everything would have gone a lot smoother if I had just bought her that pony she asked for when she was eight.
Belkar: All this backstory is really fascinating--really--but are we nearing a point any time soon here?
Haley: Shhh! I'm getting an idea.
Belkar: And so, Plan R begins to take form.
Eyepatch Bandit: Uh, sir, sorry, but Sam left us orders not to be disturbed, or else she would--well, you heard what happened to Jim.
Samantha's Father: Don't worry, I'll take the heat for you, son. But what these folks have to say is important for my daughter to hear.
<sfx> smooch!
Samantha: Dad!
Samantha's Father: Samantha!
Elan: Haley!
Haley: Elan!
Belkar: Hot chick!

Spoiler: Strip 160

Show

The Jell-O Pit Wasn't Available
Haley, Elan, Belkar, Samantha, Samantha's Father

Samantha: What in the Nine Hells is going on here?
Elan: Hi Haley!
Samantha's Father: You have some explaining to do, young lady.
Haley: Don't you "Hi Haley" me! What do you think you're doing, Elan?
Samantha: I don't have to explain myself to you anymore, Dad. I lead the bandits now, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Elan: I was just waiting to be rescued. Is Roy with you?
Samantha's Father: I am still your father, and I will not see my noble band of brigands turned into some kind of cheap dating service.
Haley: No, and I should have listened to him.
Elan: Oh, Haley, this is Samantha. She's the leader of the bandits.
Haley: I know who the slut is, Elan.
Samantha: ExCUSE me?
Haley: Oh, you're excused. Just get your damn hands off of my--off of Elan.
Samantha: I'll put my "damn hands" on anyone I want, you hag.
Elan: Haley, why are you mad at me?
Haley: Oh I don't know, because you were all over this evil sorceress tramp?
Elan: But it's my solemn duty to seduce female guys. It's like in the bard charter or something.
Samantha: Seduce--?
Samantha's Father: So you admit taking advantage of my innocent teenage daughter then?
Haley: Innocent?
Elan: Um, what I meant was...
Samantha: I know what you meant. Guards! Seize ALL of the intruders, including the blonde.
Haley: Not so fast. I challenge you to solo combat for leadership of the bandits!
Belkar: So. Plan S, then?

Spoiler: Strip 161

Show

Captives
Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Male Bandit, Female Bandit

Haley: Let me guess: her tonsils are evil, and you were smiting them with your tongue.
Elan: Gee, Haley, I don't understand. Why are you so upset?
Haley: Because we risked our lives to try to rescue you, and when we get here, you're wasting time making out with some whore. We're all angry, Elan!
Belkar: Not me. Score!
Vaarsuvius: Elan, I believe if you think about it, you will see that there might be another reason Haley is so upset. Perhaps a reason she is not even admitting to herself?
Elan: <sfx> Hmmmm....
Elan: Hey! I know! Is it because Samantha is younger and has a higher Charisma score than she does?
Vaarsuvius: ...No, Elan, I do not think that is it.
Belkar: Look, I don't mean to interrupt the soap opera here, but can we focus less on Elan's bagging of the hot sorceress chick and more on escaping before said chick has us executed?
Vaarsuvius: Indeed. My hands are tied too tightly to cast any of my currently prepared spells.
Elan: And I already used up my only useful magic.
Haley: And I can't even wriggle free. Someone in this camp invested heavily in the Use Rope skill. But don't worry. Durkon is still out there. If we don't meet up with him within the next hour, he'll pull some of that good cleric mojo out and bust us all free.
<cutaway>
Male Bandit: I'm gonna eat you.
Durkon: Aaaaah! Tree attack! Run fer yer lives!
(D): Aaaaah! Tree attack! Run for your lives!
Male Bandit: Mmmm! You taste so good, baby, I'm gonna eat you up.
Female Bandit: Oooo! Yeah!
<sfx> smooch! smooch!

Spoiler: Strip 162

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Soliloquy
Roy, Durkon

Roy: So. Here I am. Camping all by myself. It would be such a shame if my dearly departed father were to suddenly appear in ghost form and disrupt my sleep with some timely (if cryptic) advice. Crap. Well, I'm going to assume you're listening anyway. I mean, you took it upon yourself to eavesdrop on my date with Cindy Brakowski when I was in ninth grade, I don't see why you'd restrain yourself now. So let's see, what's new...Oh, right, I killed Xykon a few weeks ago. Not that you've shown up to thank me for completing your quest or anything. Actually, it was kind of easy. Like, really depressingly easy. I mean, I trained and struggled my whole adult life for this battle, and that sad sack of bones went down faster than a kobold with a lung infection. He didn't even remember you, Dad. The whole thing was vaguely...unsatisfying. I worked to fulfill your sworn oath, but now I feel cheated somehow. Like I've been wasting my time. And if my quest was a waste, what about everything else in my life? What about being a fighter, was that a waste too? Why bother trying to be lawful all the time, if my whole life was leading to one big anticlimax? Oh, I can hear what you'd be saying, Dad: "Oh, so you really became a fighter just because you wanted the glory, then?" No, Dad, as usual, you've missed the point. I went to Fighter College because I wanted to help people. To protect the weak and--The weak. Oh gods. Elan! Am I really so intent on wallowing in my own self-pity that I'm willing to cast a helpless innocent to those thieves? What is wrong with me? I'm a disgrace to my alignment! Well, that's gonna change now. Thanks for setting me straight, Dad. I'm gonna pack up my gear and go rescue Elan!
Durkon: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
<sfx> clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank!
Roy: I'm gonna pack up my gear and go rescue the entire rest of the party!

Spoiler: Strip 163

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A Man, A Dwarf, and a Kitty
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Samantha, Bandit, Kitty

Kitty: meow?
Bandit: Awww! Aren't you a cute little kitty?
Kitty: meow!
Bandit: I wonder what you're doing out in the woods by yourself?
Kitty: purrrrr.
<sfx> WONK!
Roy: Good job, kitty. That's the last guard on this side of the camp, we should be clear to move in. In you go. Y'know, this Bag of Tricks isn't so bad, once you get the hang of it.
Durkon: Mmmmrph!
Roy: I'm sorry, Durkon, but the gag stays on until you calm down. If you keep ranting on about trees, you're going to give away our position.
Durkon: Mmph mrph mmmph mmf mrf mrrrph mrph!
Roy: I'm going to choose to attribute that comment to stress and not hold it against you in the future. Dawn's here. Now let's see what kind of trouble Elan and the others have gotten themselves into...My gods!
Durkon: Mmmph!
Vaarsuvius: I would just like to point out that my ghost will be both angry and vengeful, and will retain all of my spellcasting powers.
Samantha: Duly noted. Pull the switch.

Spoiler: Strip 164

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Here He Comes, To Save the Day!
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Samantha

Durkon: Mmrph!
Roy: NO!!!!
Samantha: Now who the hell is THIS guy??
<sfx> snap!
Elan: Hooray!
<sfx> snap!
Haley: Yes!
<sfx> snap!
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding.
Belkar: Oh, nice one, Roy. Good job there!
<sfx> schklurt!
[b]Belkar: I take it back! You're the best! That was perfect!
<sfx> click!

Spoiler: Strip 165

Show

Hangin' Around
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Samantha

Elan: Belkar!
Haley: No!!
Vaarsuvius: Truly, he was the best of us.
Belkar: Hey, any chance you guys can stop eulogizing and cut me down from there? The blood's starting to rush to my head.
Elan: You're--you're alive!
Haley: The noose didn't snap your neck?!?
Belkar: Well duh, I weigh like 30 pounds, and most of that's my head. I'm not even pulling this noose taut. You know, that's the problem with humans, always thinking other races are the same as they are, so they assume the same methods of execution are valid.
<sfx> bonk!
Roy: Can we please save the social commentary for the post-battle wrap-up? Beaver! Rat! Other rat! Chew through their ropes!
<sfx> pop! pop! pop!
Samantha: I don't know where you think you're going with my prisoners, warrior, but if you look behind you, you'll see you're surrounded.
<sfx> gnaw! gnaw!
Belkar: Ooo...feeling kinda woozy over here...
Roy: And if YOU look closely, you'll notice that I'm surrounded by low-level archer rogues within my reach, none of whom have surprise.
Elan: No sneak attack for you!
Roy: So yeah, I'm pretty sure we can take your followers in like two rounds. Three, tops. It'll be a massacre.
Haley: That leaves you and your Dad there to face the rest of us. And you've already cast spells today. Feeling up to it?
Samantha: Death? Destruction? Meaningless carnage? Sounds like my kind of party!
Belkar: Aunt Judy? Is that you?

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 166 to 187
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 166

Show

Wolverine, Eat Your Heart Out
Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Samantha

Roy: I'll take on the archers. Haley, V: Slow down that wizard.
Haley: She's a sorcerer, actually.
Vaarsuvius: Technically, a sorceress.
Roy: Wow, I can't tell you how much more fulfilling this battle will be now that I can refer to my enemy by the proper appellation. Now stop wasting time and get moving!
Haley: Relax, speaking is a free action.
Samantha: I don't know who you people are, but I am going to kick your asses! Fireball!
Vaarsuvius: Counterspell!
Samantha: Hold Person!
Vaarsuvius: Counterspell!
Samantha: Chain Lightning!
Vaarsuvius: Counterspell!
Samantha: Gah! Stop doing that! It's not fair!
Vaarsuvius: On the contrary, counterspelling is a legitimate, if seldom used, means of neutralizing a spellcaster.
Haley: Translation: Choke on it, bitch!
Samantha: Fine! Keep on counterspelling, if you want. But I get more spells per day than you do, so eventually, you'll run out and then I'll blast you into oblivion and dance on your rotting corpses.
Vaarsuvius: True, except that we have no need to continue this exercise indefinitely.
Haley: Yeah, we're just keeping you busy while we set up the "Tetherball Special".
Samantha: What the heck is a--
<sfx> whap!
<sfx> WHUMP!
Samantha: GAAAH!

Spoiler: Strip 167

Show

Don't Question the Color of the Bag
Roy, Samantha's Father, Hat Bandit

Hat Bandit: Rapid Shot!
<sfx> WONK!
Roy: Hey there, nice feat! That allowed you to be utterly ineffective twice in the same round! Congrats all around! And seriously, what's with the hat, man? Geez. Hey, the rest of the archers are backing away. I must have really scared them.
Samantha's Father: Or they just know how much I hate it when they shoot into melee. Ready for a rematch?
Roy: Let's see what you've got, Grandpa.
<sfx> clang! clang!
<sfx> THUNK!
Roy: You're in pretty good shape for a geezer. But I've got one more trick up my sleeve! Er, bag.
<sfx> bink!
<sfx> pop!
Roy: Naturally.
<sfx> WHUMPH!!

Spoiler: Strip 168

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Running on Empty
Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Samantha, Samantha's Father

Samantha: Hold Person!
<sfx> fizzle!
Samantha: Damn it, stop doing that!
Elan: Umm...no?
Belkar: Wheeeeee!
Samantha: All I wanted was to have some fun with you!
Elan: My friend Haley thinks that's a bad idea, for some reason I can't quite figure out. But I trust her judgement.
Samantha: Fine! You want to play tetherball, I hope you don't mind if I play FIREball! Maximized Fireball!
Belkar: Owwww!
Haley: Elan!!
Belkar: Don't worry, I'm OK, Elan's head broke my fall.
Vaarsuvius: Your primary advantages are your spells of protection and aviation. Therefore: Dispel Magic! Miss Starshine! Her Protection from Arrows spell is also disrupted. You may fire at will!
Haley: Don't mind if I do.
<sfx> fft! fft! fft! thunk! thunk! thunk!
Samantha: Aaaah! You hag! Maximized Lightning Bolt!
<sfx> zzzzaaapp!
Haley: Arrgh! Her Reflex save DC is just too high!
Samantha: Looks like you're the last one still up and fighting, old woman.
Haley: I'm not old! I'm 24! That's not old! Twenty! Four!
Samantha: Whatever. Magic Missile.
Haley: Aaaagh!
Samantha: Whew! I did it! It may have used up all of my higher level spells, but I kicked their asses!
Belkar: Hee! You said, "asses."
Samantha's Father: My little girl! Low on hit points and with no more spell slots today, pumpkin?
Samantha: Yeah, Daddy, but I beat--
Samantha's Father: I challenge you for leadership of the bandits!
<sfx> POW!

Spoiler: Strip 169

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The Enemy of My Enemy is a Tree
Durkon, Samantha's Father, Female Human Bandit, Male Human Bandit, Halfling Bandit, Elf Bandit, Eyepatch Bandit

Female Human Bandit: All hail the new bandit king!!
Samantha's Father: Aha! I'm back in charge of my own bandit clan!
Male Human Bandit: I always wanted you to be our leader, sir.
Halfling Bandit: I never liked her anyway.
Samantha's Father: First order of business is my daughter. She'll wake up in a few hours and be pissed. I happen to know she's never taken the Still Spell or Silent Spell feats, so go ahead and tie her up. Gag her, too. It's a short-term solution, but it will work for now. But don't hurt her! She's still my daughter. Be gentle!
Elf Bandit: Sir, what about the intruders?
Samantha's Father: Take their stuff. Then, tie them and leave them in the deep woods. If they're lucky, the druids will find them before the dire weasels do.
Eyepatch Bandit: Sir! We found this dwarf tied up at the edge of the camp. Some of the guards report that they saw the warrior in the blue armor carrying him.
Samantha's Father: So the big guy took you prisoner, then? Well, an enemy of his might prove to be an ally of ours, now that we've defeated him. Remove his gag.
Eyepatch Bandit: Yessir.
Durkon: LOOK OUT BEHIND YE!
(D): LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
Samantha's Father: What?!? Where?!? All I see are a few trees.
Durkon: Exactly! I'll save ye!! Thor's Lightning!
(D): Exactly! I'll save you!! Thor's Lightning!
<sfx> KKRAACCKAKOOM! Crrrrrreeeee! whumph! bonk!
Durkon: Oops! Sorry!
Female Human Bandit: All hail the new bandit king!!
Durkon: Whuh?
Male Human Bandit: I always wanted you to be our leader, sir.
Halfling Bandit: I never liked him anyway.

Spoiler: Strip 170

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He's Still a Dwarf at Heart
Roy, Durkon, Belkar, Elan, Eyepatch Bandit, Moustache Bandit, Shocked Bandit, Hauling Bandit

Durkon: Wake up, Roy! Ye are tha last ta be healed today! Cure Critical Wounds!
(D): Wake up, Roy! You are the last to be healed today! Cure Critical Wounds!
Roy: Wha--Durkon??
Durkon: Tha's Bandit King Durkon ta you, laddie!
(D): That's Bandit King Durkon to you, lad!
Roy: Part of me wants to know the story behind that, while the other, smarter part of me knows it's better off in ignorance. Well, it's at least nice to see that you've calmed down about the trees.
Durkon: Aye, lad. I've sent twenty of me best bandit warriors to hold the perimeter against the terrible tree invaders.
(D): Yes, lad. I've sent twenty of my best bandit warriors to hold the perimeter against the terrible tree invaders.
Eyepatch Bandit: So.
Moustache Bandit: Ayup.
Durkon: And while ye were unconscious, I had tha Bandit Trailblazer draw us a map ta tha lost meteor, tha Bandit Quart'rmast'r replenish our supplies, an' tha Bandit Sandwich Artisan prepare a light lunch fer tha road.
(D): And while you were unconscious, I had the Bandit Trailblazer draw us a map to the lost meteor, the Bandit Quartermaster replenish our supplies, and the Bandit Sandwich Artisan prepare a light lunch for the road.
Elan: Mmmm! Tuna salad!
Belkar: This is sweet! Now we've got a bunch of lackeys to hang out and do stuff for us!
Durkon: Nay, laddie, thar be one more order I need ta give here. Attention! Banditry's na tha answer ta yer problems. 'Tis wrong and also dangerous. Ye are surround'd by deadly trees an' ye have na sufficient force ta make a real go of it. One a' these days, yer just gonna end up trying ta rob like a level 16 fighter by accident and get massacred. Thus, fer yer own safety, I order ye ta all leave tha forest an' return ta the lives ye left behind.
(D): No, lad, there's one more order I need to give here. Attention! Banditry's no the answer to your problems. It's wrong and also dangerous. You are surrounded by deadly trees and you haven't sufficient force to make a real go of it. One of these days, you're just gonna end up trying to rob like a level 16 fighter by accident and get massacred. Thus, for your own safety, I order you to all leave the forest and return to the lives you left behind.
Shocked Bandit: So wait...you're breaking up the bandit clan?
Durkon: Aye, lad. Run home ta yer family, they be waitin' for ye, I reckon.
(D): Yes, lad. Run home to your family, they're waiting for you, I reckon.
Roy: Wow, Durkon, I'm impressed. Giving up all that power, just to ensure the safety of your followers.
Belkar: Well there goes my plan to have them all fight to the death for our amusement....
Durkon: Thor teaches us ta work fer our own bounties, na to take them off tha backs o' others. Sure I could have used tha bandits for me personal gain, but how would that make me any differ'nt than tha sorcerer lass or her pa? It's tha kind o' selflessness when tempted tha separates tha wise from tha foolish, I think.
(D): Thor teaches us to work for our own bounties, not to take them off the backs of others. Sure I could have used the bandits for my personal gain, but how would that make me any different than the sorcerer lass or her father? It's the kind of selflessness when tempted that separates the wise from the foolish, I think.
Hauling Bandit: Sir, before we go, where would you like your giant gold tankard filled with beer?
Durkon: Right there is fine, lad.
<tankard text> WWTD

Spoiler: Strip 171

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The Prisoner Dilemma
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Elan

Haley: So, anyone have any thoughts on what we're going to do with this pair of jerks? Anyone EXCEPT Belkar, since we all know what he's going to say?
Belkar: Hey! I resent that. You don't know me, Miss I-have-ranks-in-Sense-Motive.
Haley: Yeah right. You were going to suggest that we cut both their throats.
Belkar: Ah HA! I was only going to suggest we cut the old man's throat. The chick, we can sell into slavery. I know a guy who knows a guy.
Haley: Ummm...no, I don't think so, Belkar. She may be a dirty evil whore, but no one deserves that.
Belkar: Are you sure? Seriously, you wouldn't believe the profit margins involved.
Haley: Really? Well, I suppose it's not THAT bad to--Um, I mean, no way. Nuh uh. No slavery, Belkar.
Belkar: So close.
Elan: What about sending them to prison, like we did with my brother?
Roy: Won't work. Wooden Forest is not technically part of any kingdom, so there are no laws for them to have broken.
Elan: Well, do you have an idea, Roy?
Roy: I say we just leave them here.
Haley: Are you nuts? They're going to wake up tomorrow and team up to track us down.
Roy: Are they? The old guy sucker punched his daughter when the rest of us were beaten. I think she's going to have a few choice words for dear old dad when they wake up. And Durkon disbanded the bandits, so they don't have any minions to push around. Just the two of them, stuck together, forced to work out their screwed up family issues.
Belkar: Hmmm...so you're saying no killing, no indentured servitude, just physically compelling them to spend time with their family members?
Roy: Yeah, pretty much.
Belkar: I love it!
Roy: You do?
Belkar: Sure! It's sick, twisted--Roy, I had no idea you were capable of devising such a cruel and unusual punishment! There may yet be hope for you!
Roy: Your approval fills me with shame.

Spoiler: Strip 172

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Cure Moderate Hurt Feelings
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Haley: I am so glad to be done with that whole bandit thing.
Belkar: I dunno. It was kind of fun, at times. I think getting to see the look on your face when you caught Elan with the chick was well worth the price of admission.
Haley: If you want to live to see your next Age Category, drop it.
Elan: Hey Roy, can I ask you a serious question?
Roy: Oh, this ought to be good.
Elan: How come you didn't rescue me right away? Haley and Vaarsuvius and even Belkar came to the camp to find me, but you didn't. Why?
Roy: Um, actually, Elan...the truth is...
Elan: Yes?
Roy: The truth is that after you were kidnapped, I--
Haley: --came up with his most daring rescue plan ever!
Elan: Really??
Haley: Oh yes, Elan. Roy's master plan was so complex that he needed to make it SEEM as if the rest of us had blundered in and failed to save you--and it needed to seem that way even to you! While we distracted the bandits with our false rescue attempt, Roy was able to enact his REAL plan easily.
Elan: Wow! I knew it! I knew Roy couldn't let me down!
Roy: Uh...of course not?
Elan: Thank you Roy! You're the best friend I've ever had!
Roy: Gah!
Elan: I'm going to write a new "Best Friends" song just for us, Roy!
Roy: Should I speed the process to its logical conclusion and poke out my own eardrums now?
Elan: Ha ha, you're such a kidder, Roy.
Roy: I'm really not, you know.
Elan: Ha ha!
Haley: What??
Vaarsuvius: I said nothing.

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It Is Always Exactly Where They Intend It to Be
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Parking Attendant

Elan: So this is where the horses went while you guys were rescuing me? I kinda figured they had just vanished when you didn't need them, kind of like V's familiar.
Roy: Don't be silly. That would be completely unrealistic.
<sign text> PARK. Mount Parking: 6 silver per hour or part. Early Bird Special: In by dawn, out by dusk; 4 gold
Parking Attendant: There you go. One horse and one pony.
Vaarsuvius: And now I would like my mode of transit returned to my possession.
Parking Attendant: Do you have your ticket?
Vaarsuvius: My what?
Parking Attendant: Your claim ticket. The little yellow slip of paper I gave you yesterday when you dropped off the horse.
Vaarsuvius: My most humble apologies. I seem to have misplaced it among my many scrolls and spellbooks.
Parking Attendant: No ticket, no horse.
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me?
Parking Attendant: I can't give you your horse back unless you have the yellow ticket.
Vaarsuvius: But you just acknowledged that you remember us being here just yesterday.
Parking Attendant: No ticket, no horse.
Vaarsuvius: But I can see my horse from here!
Parking Attendant: No ticket, no horse.
Vaarsuvius: But it is the only horse remaining in the lot!
Parking Attendant: What, am I speaking Gnomish over here? No ticket, no horse!
Vaarsuvius: Fine!
Haley: Hey, this horse has a scratch on her! She was at full hit points when I left her.
Parking Attendant: Read the sign, honey.
<sign text> Ye olde management is not not responsible for condition of mounts.
Haley: Grumble.
Vaarsuvius: I have located my ticket.
Parking Attendant: See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Hey, this isn't a claim ticket, it's just a piece of paper that says, "I prepared Explosive Runes this morn--
<sfx> BOOM!
Parking Attendant: Your horse, sir or madam.
Vaarsuvius: A wizard NEVER loses their ticket.

Spoiler: Strip 174

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Interlude of Dooooooom!
Miko, Gortok, Blacksmith, Stable Flumph, Unstable Flumph, Weasel

Flumph 1: Oh, my yes I remember them. Dreadful folk. Destroyed the castle, don't you know. My associate here is still suffering from post-traumatic stress.
Flumph 2: Adventurers! Falling from the sky! Flee for your life!
Blacksmith: Then the blond man with the sash chained me up and gave me to the big bald fighter. It was terrible!
Gortok: Yes, Gortok remembers little ranger man well. He kill three of Gortok's guildmates for fun. He good at being barbarian.
Weasel: And then, he flung me right into the open mouth of the troll or ogre or whatever the heck it really was. I had to claw myself out, and let me tell you, I didn't take the scenic route, if you know what I mean.
Miko: Do not worry, small weasel. My master has ordered their execution for deeds they have committed against his interests. Soon, they shall taste the bitter fruits of their deeds.
Weasel: Awesome.
Miko: Even if I have to endure a hundred montage sequences, they shall taste my blades. My master has decreed it: The Order of the Stick must die!
Weasel: ...Can I be your familiar?
Miko: No.
Weasel: C'mon, it will be fun. You'll be Mysterious Cloaked Avenger, and I can be your wisecracking sidekick.
Miko: No.
Weasel: How about as an animal companion?
Miko: No.
Weasel: Warhorse?
Miko: I am leaving now.
Weasel: Call me!

Spoiler: Strip 175

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Darn You to Hex
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Green Hag

Belkar: Hold up, everybody. I think we're getting close. Roy, let me see that map of yours.
<map text> bandits, starmetal
Roy: So? Are we getting close or not?
Belkar: Yeah...I'm pretty sure we're almost there. Geez, this sucks. I feel like I'm playing hopscotch.
Elan: And we had to tie up the horses again!
Vaarsuvius: Now, now. Do not disparage the noble hexagon. A hex grid allows for the easier computation of distances when traveling at an angle other than 45 or 90. It is also quite useful for discerning the area of round spell effects, such as that of my mighty Fireball spell.
Roy: Yeah, but only six warriors can surround and flank a single enemy on a hex grid. Normally, you can surround with eight.
Vaarsuvius: Considering there are only six of us anyway, I fail to see the concern.
Roy: Hmmm. So we get a cheesy--but concrete--tactical advantage by fighting melee on a hex grid?
Vaarsuvius: Precisely.
Roy: Hooray for hexes!
Green Hag: Wow, you know, it's great to see you being such a good sport about this.

Spoiler: Strip 176

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Leaping Lizards
Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Look out! It's a green hag! Or possibly an annis!
Belkar: Heh..."annis".
Roy: How does she move like that on these hexes? I can't even figure out how to charge in a straight line!
Belkar: OK, my non-existent patience with this hex crap has run out. Halfing rage jumping attack!
Green Hag: So, um?
Roy: Oh, his jumping distance exceeded his movement allowance for this round, so he has to wait until next round to finish his jump.
Green Hag: Ah, got it.
<sfx> SPLORTCH!
Belkar: Flawless victory!
Vaarsuvius: I respectfully disagree with your assessment of the situation.

Spoiler: Strip 177

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Ch-ch-ch-changes
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Haley: Vaarsuvius! What happened??
Vaarsuvius: Well, either I just decided to spontaneously get in touch with my reptilian side, or I was the target of a Baleful Polymorph.
Belkar: Hey, the hexes are fading.
Elan: Hey, it's making little lizardy noises.
Vaarsuvius: "Noises"? I am speaking Common, and with more skill than anyone using the word "lizardy".
Elan: What do you think it's trying to tell us?
Vaarsuvius: I am trying to tell you to improve your vocabulary, you ignorant fool! Have you been struck deaf???
Roy: All I hear are hisses and clicks.
Haley: Are we sure this is V?
Vaarsuvius: By the ancient elven hosts! They cannot understand my speech! Not even the feeble rudimentary level of understanding I would expect from the halfling. Clearly, while I was able to retain my mental faculties, the vocal chords of my new form are incapable of making proper speech. This leaves me unable to communicate verbally at all. However, a quick spell should disperse any doubts as to my identity! Magic Missile!
Roy: What's it doing?
Elan: I don't know, but it's so cute!
Vaarsuvius: Curses and blasphemies! My lizard claws are incapable of performing the delicate hand positions required for spellcasting, and my voice cannot speak the words of power!
Roy: We'll need to take it with us. If it IS Vaarsuvius, we'll need to cancel the magic ASAP.
Durkon: Aye, and I did na ask Thor fer Dispel Magic taday.
(D): Yes, and I didn't ask Thor for Dispel Magic today.
Roy: Well, if you can understand us, V, we're going to march for a bit, then make camp. Durkon will try to dispel the magic then, OK?
Vaarsuvius: Fine! The sooner I can be free of this accursed...curse...the better off I will be. What the--unhand me!
Belkar: Huh. You know, if I knew more about reptilian reproductive anatomy, I'm sure this would answer a lot of questions.
Vaarsuvius: My vengeance shall be prolonged, diminutive cretin.

Spoiler: Strip 178

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The Early Bird Catches the Wizard
Roy, Haley, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Vaarsuvius: This seems to be a dreadful turn of events. I apparently only have three spells in my spellbook that I can cast as a lizard, owing to their natural lack of somatic components. Feather Fall, a spell with sharply limited usage. Suggestion, a powerful hypnotic spell--but one that requires that the subject understand your speech, which renders it nigh useless right now. And Hold Portal, a spell that holds doors shut for a few minutes. And, I might add, a spell so inherently without merit that I shudder to consider under what sort of malaise I might have suffered when I decided to scribe it into my tome. You do not know how easy your life is, Durkon. You simply need to requisition the appropriate spells from your deity, not spend a lifetime seeking them out.
Durkon: Awww, tha cute li'l lizard is makin' funny noises again.
(D): Awww, the cute little lizard is making funny noises again.
Vaarsuvius: Sigh. I suppose I might as well prepare all three spells, though. Uselss arcane power is still preferable to no arcane power.
Roy: Hmm. The ground here is getting awfully marshy. I'd rather not trude through swampland unless we're sure the starmetal is near.
Haley: What does the map say?
Roy: Not much. Since the hexes faded when the hag died, the map isn't much use now. Except to say that we're in the right area.
Haley: Hey, we could ask Blackwing to scout ahead.
Roy: Who?
Vaarsuvius: Who?
Haley: Vaarsuvius' familiar. I had some luck asking him to scout the bandit camp for us.
Vaarsuvius: Wait! No! Don't mention--
<sfx> pop!
Blackwing: caw!
Vaarsuvius: Begone, you infernal avian! Shoo! Where is a portal to hold when you really need one?

Spoiler: Strip 179

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Liar, Liar
Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Vaarsuvius: Aha! I have sought shelter withing the reach of my fine fighter friend, you foul feathered fool. Begone!
Belkar: Hey, Roy, are we almost there yet? I'm getting bored, and this marsh feels gross on my feet.
Roy: Um, yeah, well, see there's something I need to tell you about this side quest before we get to the end. It turns out there are no giants guarding the starmetal.
Belkar: Come again?
Roy: There are no giants.
Belkar: What giants?
Roy: The giants guarding the starmetal.
Belkar: What about them?
Roy: They don't exist.
Belkar: Huh??
Roy: I'm saying there are no giants guarding the starmetal.
Belkar: Oooookay. Why would there be, exactly?
Roy: Because I said there were. Back in town.
Belkar: Said there were what?
Roy: Giants. Guarding the starmetal.
Belkar: What about them?
Roy: Oh for the love of the gods! Look, I lied to you back in town. I told you a story about giants in order to get you to come along on this side quest. You fell for it, and now I am trying to tell you that yes, sorry, I was lying.
Belkar: Sorry, I'm not buying it, Roy.
Roy: What??
Belkar: I'm saying that I don't believe this whole "I told you a lie about giants" thing. I think I would remember something like that, but I don't.
Roy: Why would you possibly not believe me?
Belkar: Well, you're an admitted liar, for starters.
Roy: But--I--if you--
Belkar: Sorry, Roy, I just don't trust you enough to believe that you lied.
Vaarsuvius: Give in to your anger, young Greenhilt. Strike him down and take your place by my side!

Spoiler: Strip 180

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Falling for You
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Roy: As near as I can tell, this pit is where the starmetal meteor crashed so long ago.
Haley: Hey, didn't you say it was going to be guarded by--
Roy: Don't. Everyone ready for a Climb check?
Elan: Ooo! Me! Me!
Vaarsuvius: Climb..? Are we not camping until the morn so that the dwarf might return me to my proper form? Unbelievable! Do you not know the importance of having an arcane caster in the party?
Elan: Climb, climb, climb, climb the slippery rock face.
Vaarsuvius: An arcane caster who is not a bard, rather?
Haley: Wow, watch out guys. This really IS pretty slippery.
Durkon: Whoa! Whoa!
<sfx> THUNK! CRASH!
Vaarsuvius: Feather Fall.
Roy: Wow, that was a very difficult tunnel to climb down, but I've gotta give credit where credit is due.
Vaarsuvius: I should hope so.
Roy: Elan, without your magical bard song, we would have all fallen to our deaths. Good job!
Elan: Thanks, Roy! Even I don't know how I did it!
<sfx> splish splish splish splish splish splish
Vaarsuvius: ...Am I even in this party anymore?

Spoiler: Strip 181

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Cursing the Darkness
Roy, Haley, Elan, Durkon, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Elan: <singing> Walk, walk, walk, walk through the slightly damp corridior!
Roy: I blame myself for encouraging him.
Haley: What the--?
Roy: Hey!
Belkar: Where'd all the light go?
Elan: Maybe someone turned off the sun?
Vaarsuvius: Clearly, it is a spell of Darkness, you ignorant fools, but I suppose having someone on the team with enough ranks in Spellcraft to determine that was not a top priority.
Elan: OK, OK, I'm freaking out.
Roy: Calm down. Durkon, what do you see with your darkvision?
Durkon: Tha's just it, lad, I dinnae see nuthin'.
(D): That's just it, lad, I don't see nothing.
Roy: Assuming for sake of arguement you didn't intend to use a double negative there, then that would make this magical darkness.
Vaarsuvius: Excellent deduction, Greenhilt. Naturally, I already mentioned that, but you may have noticed that you forgot to CHANGE ME BACK TO AN ELF.
Roy: And if it's magical darkness, it has a fixed radius. We should be able to get out by walking forward until we get to the edge of the spell's area of effect.
Haley: OK, guys, let's look for the spell's edge. Hey, guys, I found the edge!
Roy: See? I told you.
Haley: It's right over here by the--Back into the darkness!
Roy: But you just said--
Haley: BACK INTO THE DARKNESS!!

Spoiler: Strip 182

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Strip 182: Probability
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Young Black Dragon

Elan: Gonna wake up any second now.
Vaarsuvius: There is a part of me--a not inconsequential part, I might add, that is greatly enjoying watching this dragon mop the proverbial floor with my neglectful colleagues here.
Young Black Dragon: These stupid humanoids are your allies??
Vaarsuvius: You...can understand my speech?
Young Black Dragon: Well yes. My mom taught me Lizard, said it was important to study other cultures.
Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. In that case...Suggestion!
Young Black Dragon: No.
Vaarsuvius: Suggestion!
Young Black Dragon: My willpower is too strong to be broken by such an enchantment.
Vaarsuvius: You will still roll a natural 1 on your Will save eventually. Suggestion! I have a Ring of Wizardry, no other spells above third level prepared, and nothing better to do with my actions. The laws of probability dictate that you will fail a Will save before I run out of Suggestion spells. Suggestion!
Young Black Dragon: Clever. However, there's one number you've failed to include in your analysis. Your hit point total.

Spoiler: Strip 183

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Spit and/or Swallow
Roy, Haley, Elan, Durkon, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Young Black Dragon

Haley: HEY! Get your teeth off of that lizard that may or may not be my friend Vaarsuvius!!
<sfx> twang! schlurt!
Young Black Dragon: AARRGH! My eye!! You've robbed me of a meal, puny though it may have been. Perhaps I'll dine on meatier fare then.
Haley: Uh oh. EEEEEEK!!!!
Elan: HALEY!
Vaarsuvius: HALEY!
Young Black Dragon: Mmmmm, tasty.
<sfx> gulp!
Vaarsuvius: You foul reptilian! No one eats my friend and lives to see the next sunrise.
Young Black Dragon: But I could use some dessert.
Vaarsuvius: SUGGESTION!
Elan: What's going on?? Why is it standing still? What about Haley?!?
Roy: I think Vaarsuvius has hypnotized the dragon.
Belkar: Why do you say that?
Roy: Well, the dragon's got swirly eyes.
Vaarsuvius: I suggest that you perform no actions except those which I explicitly order of you.
Young Black Dragon: As you command.
Vaarsuvius: Vomit. Now. And aim for the halfling.

Spoiler: Strip 184

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Hawaiian Love
Roy, Haley, Elan, Durkon, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Ugh! What the hell is this? That goddamn stupid dragon! What is this? Corn?? What kind of dragon eats corn?
Vaarsuvius: That will do, dragon. That will do.
Elan: Haley!
Haley: Elan...*cough* Elan...I have to tell you something...before it's too late.
Elan: You can tell me anything, Haley.
Haley: I know I can, I don't know why I've been hiding it for so long...
Elan: What is it, Haley? What do you need to tell me?
Haley: Elan...I think I'm in love with y--
Durkon: Cure Critical Wounds!
Haley: --ukeleles.
Elan: Come again?
Haley: I'm in love with ukeleles. Heh.
Elan: You mean the little tiny guitars?
Haley: Yup! Can't get enough of them, love that hula music.
Elan: Oh. Well, I actually prefer my lute, as far as stringed instruments go. But I guess whatever you're into is cool, too.
Haley: Yup, there's no accounting for taste.
Roy: Funny, that's exactly what I was just thinking.

Spoiler: Strip 185

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The Time Killers
Roy, Elan, Young Black Dragon

Young Black Dragon: The lizard has commanded that none of you may leave until dawn, when the dwarf will break the Baleful Polymorph spell. I have been given permission to eat any who disobey.
Roy: We would have gotten around to breaking the spell sooner or later....
Elan: I spy with my little eye...something that begins with the letter "D".
Roy: Dragon.
Elan: Right! I spy with my little eye...something that begins with the letter "B".
Roy: Black dragon.
Elan: Right again! I spy with my little eye...something that begins--
Roy: The same freakin' dragon! It's the only thing in the cave!
Elan: You are really good at this game, Roy! I didn't even give you a letter that time.
Roy: Gee, it must be that level of psion I took.
Elan: Wow! You're psychic now? OK, so, what am I thinking?
Roy: You're picturing me strangling you to keep you quiet. I know I am.
Elan: Oh, sorry. That's not what I was thinking at all. Wait--I'm picturing it RIGHT NOW! Wow, Roy! You're not just psychic--you're a FUTURE psychic!
Roy: Before meeting Elan, I would never have weighted the pro's and con's of being eaten by a dragon.

Spoiler: Strip 186

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Return of the Elf
Roy, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Young Black Dragon

Elan: So what kind of things are going to be going through my head tomorrow?
Roy: My club, if you don't shut up. Durkon is about to break the spell on Vaarsuvius.
Durkon: DISPEL MAGIC!
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding. Now, hurry. We do not have much time before the spell under which I placed the dragon expires. Dragon, tell me where the starmetal is.
Young Black Dragon: ...
Vaarsuvius: Ah yes, I was afraid of this. The original Suggestion was given by a small purple lizard, and as such, the dragon doesn't recognize me, as an elf, as being the one it must obey. Due to the specific wording of the Suggestion that I made, it will now sit and do nothing until such time as the spell's duration elapses. This is one of the flaws of using Suggestion instead of the more reliable Dominate Monster. According to my calculations, taking into account the ambient temperature and our current longitude, I estimate the remaining duration of this spell to be approximately twelve seconds. At which time the dragon will resume its attempts to devour us.
Roy: That's only two rounds!
Vaarsuvius: Actually, now only one. I was particularly verbose just there. Of course, while we waited, I did have the opportunity to study. Disintegrate.
Young Black Dragon: The wheels on the bus go round and round...
Vaarsuvius: Disintegrate. Fascinating. I cannot help but notice that the disintegrated remains of a dragon are indistinguishable from those of a human, or a halfing, or a dwarf.
Roy: Point taken.

Spoiler: Strip 187

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Love at First Sight
Roy, Haley

Roy: Well?
Haley: I've searched all of the cave walls and found no secret doors that might lead to either the dragon's hoard or the starmetal.
<sfx> SPLOOSH!!!
Haley: I would like to revise my earlier report. I think I've found some kind of underwater tunnel here.
Roy: Bet you 10 gold pieces it leads to the treasure.
Haley: You're on.
Roy: Wow, that is a lot of--
Haley: No talk! Ruining the moment.
Roy: Well, not that it matters now, but I guess you owe me 10 gold pieces.
Haley: What's that, dragon hoard? Oh, I know you're so cold and lonely in this dark cave. But Mommy is here now! She'll take such good care of you, her little children.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 188 to 209
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 188

Show

A Matter of Perspective
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Roy: Given that the one of us with the best Search skill is indisposed at the moment--
Haley: Wheeeee!!
Roy: --has anyone found the starmetal yet?
Vaarsuvius: I believe so. Draconic runes on the south wall behind you indicate that the starmetal was brought to this cave by a dragon--though I do not believe it is the dragon I just defeated.
Belkar: You just have to slip that "I defeated" in there...pompous jackass.
Roy: A different dragon? What makes you say that?
Vaarsuvius: The starmetal was apparently enshrined here well over a century ago, while this dragon was only a Young Adult.
Roy: Why do you think it was a Young Adult?
Durkon: We found these stash'd under his hoard.
(D): We found these stashed under his hoard.
<magazine text> Playdrake: Miss October bares it all
<magazine text> Big Tailz
Roy: I dream of the day when I will learn to stop asking questions to which I will regret learning the answers.
Vaarsuvius: At any rate, the original dragon enshrined the entire meteor that fell through the atmosphere there, through that tunnel behind you.
Roy: At last! This stupid side quest is nearly at an end! Typical, really.

Spoiler: Strip 189

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Tied Up Nicely
Miko, Samantha, Samantha's Father

Samantha: This is all your fault, you know. I had beaten them before you screwed it up.
Samantha's Father: Oh, shut your yap. At least it was nice and quiet before you woke up.
Samantha: When I get free of this rope, I am gonna--
Miko: I cannot help but notice that you are in need of assistance. Can you, in turn, assist me in my quest? I seek a brutal band of killers known simply as the Order of the Stick. According to my information, they consist of one elf, one dwarf, one halfling, and three humans, one of which is female.
Samantha's Father: Is one of the human men dark while the other is fair?
Miko: Yes.
Samantha: HA! Oh, yeah, we know them.
Samantha's Father: Whatever you need, we'll gladly help you if they're your enemy.
Miko: Outstanding.
Samantha: Hey, you'll be our first new minion. We lost our old followers just recently.
Miko: I am sorry, I already have a master. But I will gladly ally with you for now.
Samantha: Yeah? Well I wasn't asking, I was telling. You work for us now!
Samantha's Father: Uh, Pumpkin, I'm not so sure--
Miko: And again, I serve no mortal save my master.
Samantha: You'll serve me or you'll die! Hold Person!
Miko: Then I will die. But not today.
<sfx> scheeenk!
Samantha's Father: You...you killed my daughter!
Miko: I must again request your assistance in finding this "Order of the Stick".
Samantha's Father: You killed my little girl!
Miko: Very well.
<sfx> woosh! skthutch!
Miko: The tragedy here is that this could have been avoided if I had just made a Gather Information check instead.

Spoiler: Strip 190

Show

A Lesson in Resource Management
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Hobgoblin, Hobgoblin Cleric, Demon Roach

Hobgoblin: All hail the Supreme Leader!
Demon Roach: Hail! Rain! Sleet!
Redcloak: Shut up. All of you. I'm telling you, sir, I don't trust these hobgoblins at all. I'm just glad you've begun regenerating, so we can both keep an eye on them.
Xykon: Ah, quit your worrying. They'll work out just fine. What we really need to be worrying about it getting into my tower. It should be right up that mountain path there at the south end of the valley.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, your odd talking skull is speaking of the Perilous Path of Crushing Doom.
Redcloak: Please tell me it's actually filled with cute fuzzy bunnies, and they just named it that to be ironic.
Hobgoblin Cleric: No, sir. The path is very dangerous, as even the slightest noise can set off a deadly rock slide. The good news is that once there IS a rock slide, there isn't usually another one until after it rains again, as all the loose rocks have fallen already.
Redcloak: Hmm. Doesn't sound safe to send anyone up. I better check it out myself. I'm sure I will come to regret that decision when I'm pinned beneath 500 tons of rock in about, oh, an hour.
Hobgoblin Cleric: As you wish, Supreme Leader.
Monster in the Darkness: Awesome call.
Redcloak: Excuse me?
Monster in the Darkness: Dude, seriously, I really respect how you're all, "I'm not going to send any hobgoblins to their death on the mountain path, despite the fact that I really don't like them and wish they would go away."
Redcloak: Change of plans. Send fifteen--no, twenty--warriors up the mountain path on, uh, scouting duty. Tell them to shout if they don't find anything.
Xykon: *Sniff* My little Redcloak is all grown up.

Spoiler: Strip 191

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Dungeon Real Estate
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2

Demon Roach 1: Hey, what's a dead hobgoblin's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Demon Roach 2: What?
Demon Roach 1: Rocky road!
Demon Roach 2: Bwahahahaha!
Xykon: Good job clearing the path, Redcloak. We'll make a proper villain of you yet.
Redcloak: Thank you, Lord Xykon. And may I congratulate you on growing arms and a spine again. But if you don't mind me asking, sire, why are we bringing all of these hobgoblins along with us?
Xykon: Because the tower will be filled with monsters, and the kind I'm controlling. See, there's one unavoidable fact about dungeon ownership. If you leave it empty, some random monster is going to show up and start living there. I once went down the shore for the weekend, and when I got back, three manticores and an umber hulk were hanging new drapes in my living room.
Demon Roach 1: Awkward.
Xykon: I haven't been here in a few decades, who knows what might be living there these days.
Monster in the Darkness: I'm not going in.
Xykon: What?
Monster in the Darkness: I don't wanna go! There might be something scary in there!
Xykon: You've got to be--look, there's nothing in there any scarier than you.
Redcloak: Sir, he's about as scary as musty styrofoam.
Xykon: Correction: any scarier than you SHOULD be. We're seriously evil badasses here. I'm a mighty lich sorcerer, Redcloak is high priest of his evil goblin deity, and you--well, we all know how powerful you are. There's simply no way a bunch of random monsters could ever defeat the three of us.
Monster in the Darkness: I guess you're right. Thanks.
Redcloak: Just out of curiousity, is that in the same way that a human fighter with a broken sword could never defeat us.
Xykon: Hey, look, I just regenerated a finger. Guess which one.

Spoiler: Strip 192

Show

Everything Sits Better on a Ritz
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Hobgoblin Soldier

Redcloak: Ah, crap.
Monster in the Darkness: What? What is it? I can't see!
Redcloak: It's a type of guard monster. We had one back at the Dungeon of Dorukon. Only that one was domesticated, while this one looks wild. Which means it will do its best to kill us should we approach the tower.
Monster in the Darkness: And it just happens to be guarding the front gate of your tower?
Xykon: Crazy world, isn't it? Unfortunately, I warded my tower against teleporation, so we can't just pop in.
Redcloak: Sir, I'd suggest not killing it if it can be avoided. We could use a guardian for the tower, and frankly, I'm not sure I can overcome its Spell Resistance.
Xykon: Agreed. Let's just figure out a way to bypass it now, and we'll worry about training it later. And by "we'll worry about it," I mean "you, Redcloak, will have to deal with it. personally."
Redcloak: Figures. I had to train the last one of these things too. I remember rearing it was such a pain in the ass. I was so relieved the first day when it finally fell asleep after eating. It was so--
Xykon: Fell asleep...
Redcloak: ...after eating. OK, now, after you're done rinsing in the honey mustard, Lord Xykon will give you your garnish and cracker. If you like, fresh pepper is available.
Xykon: Sacrificing minions: is there any problem it CAN'T solve?
Hobgoblin Soldier: I have a really good feeling about this.

Spoiler: Strip 193

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Because Good is Dumb
Xykon, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Winged Celestial, Angel Roach, Guard Monster

Guard Monster: Z.
Demon Roach 1: What's a dead hobgoblin's favorite meal?
Demon Roach 2: Didn't we do this bit already?
Xykon: Check it out! Feet! I'm a whole skeleton again!
Redcloak: My joy knows no bounds.
Xykon: Everyone, keep making Spot and Listen checks. We have no idea what kind of horrible monsters may have moved in here.
Winged Celestial: Halt, evildoers!
Xykon: Oh, this ought to be good.
Redcloak: Pun intended?
Winged Celestial: This tower is now sanctified to the forces of Light!
Demon Roach 1: And yet, it still smells funny.
Winged Celestial: If you walk the Path of Evil, you will find naught but your destruction within its walls! But it is not too late, even for one such as you, to seek redemption. Lo! Ask for forgiveness and ye shall find it!
Xykon: Wow. You know, you've really given me something to think about.
Winged Celestial: Really?
Xykon: Yeah. Meeting you has really opened my eyes to a whole new way of doing things.
Winged Celestial: Fantastic! I am pleased you--
Xykon: Flying zombies! I can't believe I never thought of it before!
[b]Redcloak: It will revolutionize the industry.
Angel Roach: I don't like where this is headed...

Spoiler: Strip 194

Show

You Light Up My Life
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach, Lantern Archon 1, Lantern Archon 2

Xykon: Hey, stop screwing around back there. We're on a schedule.
Redcloak: Sir, we've been through five levels now. Don't you find it odd that every Good-aligned creature in the Monster Manual is squatting in your tower?
Xykon: Not really. There aren't as many legitimate opponents for Evil characters, since most adventurers are Good-aligned. So it stands to reason that if a dungeon filled with Good creatures is big enough, one should encounter just about all of them.
Lantern Archon 1: Leave here, foul abominations! The lantern archons decree it!
Xykon: Case in point.
Lantern Archon 2: Turn back now, or face the scorching justice of our deadly rays of light!
Monster in the Darkness: Excuse me, did you say "rays of light"? As in, you can shoot them.
Lantern Archon 1: Yes. In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape our sight.
Demon Roach: I dunno, I always liked Kyle.
Monster in the Darkness: Hit me.
Lantern Archon 2: What?
Monster in the Darkness: Hit me with your rays of light.
Lantern Archon 1: Uh...
Monster in the Darkness: No, really, smack me around with your illuminating mojo. I want to be lit up finally!
Lantern Archon 2: <whispering> This guy is wigging me out.
Monster in the Darkness: You can zap me right in the face, I'll be flatfooted and everything. I just want to be lit up!
Lantern Archon 1: Um, yeah, so, we have to go take care of this...thing.
Lantern Archon 2: Yeah, uh, this thing we were supposed to take care of. Over there. Away from here.
Redcloak: I just want to be clear: We DO get XP for beating them this way, right?
Monster in the Darkness: Please?? It's OK if it hurts, I don't mind!
Lantern Archon 1: Run!
Lantern Archon 2: Get away, you masochistic freak!

Spoiler: Strip 195

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Book Nook
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness

Xykon: My study! More or less intact, too! Redcloak, search the right wall, I've got the left.
Redcloak: Right away, Lord Xykon.
Monster in the Darkness: What are you guys looking for? What is it?
Redcloak: Only the most valuable thing in the tower, and the reason we came back here. Think about it--we could have taken over any tower with a dungeon for our new base without having to go through the trouble of killing all those celestials.
Xykon: That was just a bonus.
Redcloak: But we needed to come back here for THIS!
Xykon: HA HA! You found it! Good job!
Monster in the Darkness: Oooo! Is it one of those books that raises your ability scores?
Xykon: Please! In the grand scheme of things, this book makes the "Tome of Clear Thoughts" look like "Dianetics".
Monster in the Darkness: What kind of magic does it have, then?
Xykon: None whatsoever. It's just a book.
Redcloak: A book that just happens to hold the secret to ruling the world. Lord Xykon went through a great deal of trouble to secure this book in the first place, and the secrets within are key to our overarching plotline. I mean, villainous plan.
Monster in the Darkness: "The Life and Times of Serini Toormuck, Halfling Rogue." This is a biography?
Xykon: A diary, actually.
Monster in the Darkness: How the heck does the diary of a halfling hold the secret to world conquest?
Redcloak: It's not the halfling who is important...It's with whom the halfling was friends that matters!
Monster in the Darkness: Wait...is that who I think it is?

Spoiler: Strip 196

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The Diary
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness

Monster in the Darkness: The guy in the yellow robe. That's the guy you killed over Crooked Mountain last year!
Xykon: His name was Dorukan. He built the castle in which we were living, as well as the gate beneath it.
<diary label text> Soon. Dorukan (New kid). Girard. Lirian. Me!!! Kraagor (Mean! Grr!)
<diary page text>....the third fissure. Lirian is already...and on about some way to seal the...with a magical door or something, but I totally zoned out on the details. The new guy seems interested, but I think he just wants to get into her magical door, if you know what I mean. Hee hee! So now we're headed south....
Monster in the Darkness: He sure looks a lot younger in the picture.
Xykon: Well, it was drawn about 65 years ago, back when he was an adventurer.
<flashback>
Xykon: <voiceover> By the time he and I dueled, he had been retired and holed up in that dungeon of his for decades. I had a hell of a time drawing him out to do battle.
<end flashback>
Monster in the Darkness: OK, so the halfling chick knew this Dorukan guy. So what? Why should we care?
Xykon: We don't, except for the diary. Without it, I wouldn't have known where to find Dorukan or his gate. There were five other adventurers in the party. Each built a secret stronghold atop one of the five gates, while the sixth--the halfling--recorded the locations in code in her diary. When I first found the diary, I deciphered the locations of two of the gates: Lirian's gate, which was SOMEHOW destroyed in a forest fire before it could be unlocked--
Redcloak: Look, it was an accident! OK? Let it drop already. Geez!
Xykon: --and Dorukan's gate. Which I would have opened by now, if it weren't for those meddling kids. And opening any one of the gates--with proper magical precautions--is the key to conquering world. Heck, maybe even the multiverse.
Monster in the Darkness: Fascinating. I just have one question then. What "gate" do you guys keep talking about?

Spoiler: Strip 197

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A Change of Scale
Xykon, Redcloak, Hobgoblin Soldier

Xykon: OK, here's the plan: I decode the rest of the gate locations. You get the hobgoblins ready to move the moment I'm done.
Redcloak: I'm on it, Lord Xykon. You there! Lieutenant guy! Report.
Hobgoblin Soldier: Sir! Legion One has completed all of your tasks and awaits your new commands.
Redcloak: Great. What I need next--...Did you just say "Legion One"?
Hobgoblin Soldier: Yes sir.
Redcloak: What exactly constitutes "Legion One", then?
Hobgoblin Soldier: All 300 or so hobgoblins that live in this valley, sir.
Redcloak: In THIS valley?
Hobgoblin Soldier: Naturally, sir. Only the one legion can live here. The rest of your 87 legions live in the valley to the south, Supreme Leader.
Redcloak: The rest of...
Xykon: Show us.
Redcloak: Oh my. Sir, I think I may need a little more time to get the minions mobilized.
Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.

Spoiler: Strip 198

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The Great Kazoo
Roy, Haley, Durkon, Belkar, Elan

Belkar: Goddamn it, that took WEEKS!
Durkon: Aye, haulin' tha treasure up from tha hole sure was tough.
(D): Yeah, hauling the treasure up from the hole sure was tough.
Roy: Well, it would have gone a lot faster if SOMEONE hadn't sprained their wrist.
Elan: Hey, it wasn't my fault! It was heavy, and Vaarsuvius dropped the other end! I'm just sad that I didn't get to play the Heavy Lifting Song to boost your spirits.
Roy: That's true, at least some good came of your injury.
Elan: But at least you got some snazzy new boots, and I got this clasp for my cloak!
Haley: <whispering> Pssst! Elan, it's an art upgrade, we're supposed to pretend we were always drawn this way.
Roy: I still can't believe you had all these carts in your Bag of Holding.
Haley: Girl's got to be prepared! Tee hee!
Belkar: So what now, oh Fearless Leader?
Roy: Well, this starmetal thing is kind of a bust, so let's just head back to town and cash in our dragon loot.
Haley: Sweeter words have never been spoken!
Elan:You know, I've been thinking...
Roy: I've had nightmares that start this way.
Elan: What if you really need the help of my bardic music, and my wrist hasn't healed yet?
Roy: That's what we call a "low percentage scenario".
Elan: So I've decided to branch out and learn a musical instrument that I don't need to use my hands to play!
Roy: What kind of instrument doesn't--
<sfx> Bzzz bzz BZZZ!
Roy: Ah. Of course.
<sfx> Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz bz bzzzz bz BZZ bzz!
Roy: Great. He spends skill points on Perform (Kazoo), and now I need to make a Knowledge (Limits of My Own Sanity) skill check.

Spoiler: Strip 199

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It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Roy, Durkon, Elan

<sfx> splink! KRAKKAAKOOOOM!
Elan: Oh, this is bad, Roy. Really, really bad! Stop the carts!
Roy: Calm down, Chicken Little. It's just raining. Annoying, but not fatal to non-witches.
Elan: It's NEVER "just" raining. Haven't you ever noticed?
Roy: Noticed what?
Elan: Roy, it only EVER rains when something really dramatic is about to happen! You know, like, someone tries to kill someone else, or someone is revealed to be a traitor, or someone kisses someone for the first time. And I don't think there's any smooching coming up soon!
Roy: Well, I would say that was the dumbest thing I've heard all day, but as I've been talking to Elan since morning, it might not even crack the top ten.
Durkon: Nay, lad, thar be merit in what Elan be sayin'. Lord Thor often sends thunderstorms as blessings--or ta serve as ill omens! We best tread carefully!
(D): No, lad, there's merit in what Elan's saying. Lord Thor often sends thunderstorms as blessings--or to serve as ill omens! We should tread carefully!
Roy: Look, you're both overreacting. It's a simple meteorological phenomenon. Absolutely nothing dramatic--
<sfx> KRAKAKKOOOOM!
Roy: --is about to happen.

Spoiler: Strip 200

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The Confrontation
Roy, Haley, Durkon, Belkar, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko

Miko: ORDER OF THE STICK! You have been charged with crimes for which the only possible sentence is death.
Durkon: Wha tha...?
(D): What the...?
Miko: Surrender yourselves, or have that sentence carried out immediately. The choice is yours!
Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this all about?
Elan: See?? I told you, Roy! I told you something was going to happen!
Roy: Shut up, Elan. And you, buddy, we're not surrendering without a little--
Miko: As you wish.
Vaarsuvius: Mmmph!
Haley: Ooo, tanglefoot bag! Those are a pain in the ass.
Vaarsuvius: Disintegrate!
<sfx> fizzle!
Elan: <sfx> Bzzz bzz bzzzz bzzz!
Vaarsuvius: Between the storm and this accursed adhesive, I can barely concentrate enough to remember my words of power!
Haley: Don't worry, a little Rapid Shot action should take him down a notch!
<sfx> fft! fft! fft!
Roy: Who are you? What do you want? What "crimes" are you talking about?
Miko: Silence. If at all possible, try to meet your fate with some dignity.
Belkar: Well, as usual, it falls to Yours Truly to save the day by serving someone a heapin' helping of Mama Bitterleaf's secret family recipe for their own steaming entrails on a platter.
Miko: Windstriker, NOW!
Belkar: "Windstriker"? What the hell is a--AAAHH! Get off me you stupid horse! Goddamn size modifiers to grapple checks!
Roy: Durkon, don't just stand there! There's a storm, use Thor's Lightning. Do something! Anything!
Durkon: ...I surrender.
Roy: That is NOT what I meant!!
Miko: Your dwarf is wise to accept the inevitable. My turn.
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Roy: GAHHH!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, I believe I have ascertained a solution. An incantation of lesser complexity should be more easily remembered. Fireball!
Haley: Wait, v, Roy is--
<sfx> wooosh!
Vaarsuvius: That was not as effective as I would have hoped.
Elan: Aw man, he jumps like you, Haley!
Haley: Not even a singe...
<sfx> fft! fft! fft!
Haley: Darn it! Elan...give me your rapier.
Elan: What??
Haley: I can't shoot for crap in this rain and wind. You can't use it with your injured hand anyway.
Elan: Haley, you don't DO melee combat. There's a reason you don't carry a sword!
Haley: Elan, Belkar's grappled, V is slimed, you're injured, and Durkon seems to have defected or something. If I don't get in there, Roy is a goner.
<sfx> swish!
Elan: OK...OK, here. But just remember, I like you in one big Haley-shaped piece, so try to come back that way.
Haley: I'll do my best.
<sfx> smooch!
Haley: Wish me luck!
Elan: Luck.
Belkar: Get off! Damn it, what the hell is the point of Wild Empathy if I can't get a horse off my friggin' chest???
<sfx> slash! slash! slash!
Durkon: Lad, just surrender! Yer only makin' things worse fer us!
(D): Lad, just surrender! You're only making things worse for us!
Roy: With all due respect, old friend, shove it.
Vaarsuvius: This needs to be ended quickly and decisively. Hold Person!
Miko: The grace of my gods protects me from your corrupt magic, elf!
Haley: Oh yeah? How are they at keeping you from becoming a shish kabob? SNEAK ATTACK!
<sfx> schlirkt!
Miko: AHHHH!
Roy: Good job, Haley. And thanks for the flank, it makes this much easier!
<sfx> WHUMP!
Miko: Unngh!
Roy: You want some more? Because same more can easily be arranged! Wow...
Miko: Honorless dogs! I will see you lawfully executed despite your shameful tactics! Stunning Kick!
Elan: HALEY!
Vaarsuvius: Suggestion!
<sfx> fizzle!
Vaarsuvius: DAMNATION!
Elan: Haley, speak to me!
Haley: <singing> I'm Henry the 8th, I am, Henry the 8th, I am, I am...
Durkon: Elan, ye have ta stop Roy! This be all wrong! Wit me low Charisma modifier, I cannae get him ta listen ta reason!
(D): Elan, you have to stop Roy! This is all wrong! With my low Charisma modifier, I can't get him to listen to reason!
Haley: Ooooo! Look! A tiny fuzzy man!
Roy: Actually, Durkon, I think I'm beginning to figure that--
<sfx> slash-slash!
Roy: OOF!
Miko: Die, evildoer!!
Elan: Wait, did she just call Roy an "evildoer"?
Durkon: Tha's what I've been tryin' ta say!
(D): That's what I've been trying to say!
Roy: Hey, baby, listen, clearly we got off on the wrong foot, but I think if we all calm down and--
Miko: Still your tongue! The lies of the wicked cannot be believed! In the name of the just Lord Shojo, master of the Sapphire Guard, I execute you for crimes against existence!
Durkon: No! Stop!
Miko: SMITE EVIL!
<sfx> splortch!

Spoiler: Strip 201

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Seeing Signs
Roy, Miko, Durkon, Thor's Deva, Thor

Roy and Miko: That's odd.
Miko: I do not understand. My Smite Evil attack should have finished you off...
Roy: It didn't exactly tickle, honey.
Durkon: You have to stop! He's not Evil!
Miko: You seem wiser than your company would indicate, dwarf. I am willing to halt my attacks if you can help make sense of this.
Durkon: Aye, I think I can do just that, lass. If ye let me tend to me leader.
(D): Yes, I think I can do just that, lass. If you let me tend to my leader.
Miko: ...Agreed. But do not try to escape.
Roy: Durkon, either you have some tenuous grasp on what's going on, or you've gone stark raving mad. Please tell me it's the former.
Durkon: She's a paladin, Roy. She thinks we're the Bad Guys.
Roy: I suppose that explains...nothing.
Durkon: Well, lad, she's got good saving throws, a smart horse, an' she just tried ta Smite Evil. Sounds like a paladin to me. Heal.
(D): Well, Roy, she has good saving throws, a smart horse, and she just tried to Smite Evil. Sound like a paladin to me. Heal.
Roy: No, I get that part now. I mean, since she tried to kill us with hardly any warning, what made you try to surrender in the middle of the fight there?
Durkon: Ahh! THe storm was the clue, lad. I told ye Thor uses storms to warn and to bless. But this storm clearly even'd tha fight between us and the paladin lass. But I was thinkin': Thor is MY patron god. Why would 'e send a storm that hampered my team so badly?...unless it was his intent all along tha we be not winnin'.
(D): Ahh! The storm was the clue, Roy. I told you that Thor uses storms to warn and to bless. But this storm clearly evened the fight between us and the paladin. But I was thinking: Thor is MY patron god. Why would he send a storm that hampered my team so badly?...unless it was his intent all along that we lose.
<cutaway>
Durkon: <voiceover> Think aboot it: if we'd fought in clear weather, we likely would've killed this lass in one or two rounds, as Haley would've shot true, and V's spell might not've fizzled.
(D): Think about it: if we'd fought in clear weather, we likely would've killed this lass in one or two rounds, as Haley would have shot true, and V's spell might not have fizzled.
<cutback>
Durkon: Therefore, Lord Thor must not WANT us to have killed her. And therefore, she must be Good. Ah, and see, tha storm now lets up, thus signalin' tha I have interpret'd Thor's divine will correctly. This meeting was indeed ordained by my god.
(D): Therefore, Lord Thor must not WANT us to have killed her. And therefore, she must be Good. Ah, and see, the storm is letting up now, thus signaling that I have interpreted Thor's divine will correctly. This meeting was indeed ordained by my god.
<cutaway>
Thor's Deva: Trust me, he's better off not knowing the truth.
Thor: Wheeeeeee!

Spoiler: Strip 202

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Scanning...
Belkar, Miko, Roy, Durkon, Haley

Belkar: Stupid horse...
Miko: You have answered your leader's queries, dwarf, now address mine. You keep asserting that this man is not Evil...
Roy: I prefer to think of myself as more of a "bad boy".
Durkon: Roy, yer not helping.
(D): Roy, you're not helping.
Miko: ...but before I revealed myself, I used my paladin ability to Detect Evil on the group of you, him, and the bard. And he clearly tested as Evil—strongly Evil, at that!
Roy: But I'm NOT Evil!
Miko: Are you calling me a liar??
Roy: No, but—
Durkon: STOP IT! Wait—I have it! Roy, give me Xykon's crown.
Roy: What?
Durkon: Laddie, please just trust me!
Roy: Ok, fine, but don't scratch it. I want to hand that down to my kids someday.
Durkon: Now lass, Detect Evil on 'im an' me agin.
(D): Now lass, Detect Evil on him and me again.
Miko: It will change nothing. But as you wish. Detect Evil!
<detection text> NOT EVIL. EVIL.
Miko: Hey—now he registers as Not Evil! But you are scanning as strongly Evil! I do not understand.
Durkon: It's the crown, lass. Roy took it as a trophy from a powerful evil lich he vanquished. The blighter must have worn it so long that some of its Evil rubbed off. Even a good man like Roy wil register as Evil when he's holdin' it.
(D): It's the crown, lass. Roy took it as a trophy from a powerful evil lich he vanquished. The lich must have worn it for so long that some of its Evil rubbed off. Even a good man like Roy will register as Evil when he's holding it.
Miko: I see. Thank you, honorable dwarf, for your aid.
Durkon: Yer welcome. Now, try scannin' tha rest o' the party, an' ye'll see tha not none o' us are Evil.
(D): You’re welcome. Now, try scanning the rest of the party, and you’ll see that none of us are Evil.
Miko: Very well.
Haley: Hey!
<detection text> NOT EVIL. NOT EVIL. NOT EVIL. NO READING.
Miko: What in the—? Why are you carrying a sheet of lead?
Belkar: It's a common practice among my people. Halflings in my village carry lead sheets to prove our manhood.
Miko: If you could kindly put it down for one—
Belkar: Stop oppressing my culture, you ethnocentric bitch!

Spoiler: Strip 203

Show

Just the Facts, Ma'am
Roy, Miko, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Well there you go! Now that you know that none of us are Evil—
Miko: Actually, the halfling still—
Roy: that NONE of us are Evil, we can put this whole silly thing behind us and I can take you to dinner.
Miko: But what of the tales I heard of your wicked exploits? More than one citizen reported acts of evil perpetrated by a fair-haired man matching the bard's description
Elan and Roy: Nale.
Elan: That wasn't us. That was my brother Nale. He's my evil twin, and leader of the Linear Guild, a band of evil counterparts that are each suspiciously similar to one of us.
Miko: Wait—are you serious? That is your actual explanation? "My evil twin did it"?
Roy: Yeah, I know. I find it's best to not fight the madness. So hey! This is just a wacky case of mistaken identities. No harm, no foul. I was thinking a little candlelit affair, just the two of us...
Miko: I am afraid not. You may not be strictly evil, and you may not be guilty of the ancillary crimes of which I was told by the populace, but you are still charged with crimes against existence. The Sapphire Guard has diviners who do not make mistakes on such things. My ability to gather intelligence may have been flawed, but their magic has indisputably indicated that it was the Order of the Stick, not the "Linear Guild". Thus I am still obligated to enforce that charge and carry out my orders.
Roy: What "crimes against existence"? We're not guilty of any crimes!
Haley: Right, Completely innocent!
Belkar: Never done anything wrong.
Vaarsuvius: Yes. None of us have ever tampered with the fundamental natural order when bored. That would be wrong.
Miko: It matters not. Your guilt or innocence, in the absence of an Evil alignment, is not for me to determine. I am not to merely collect you and deliver you unto my Lord Shojo.
Roy: Can you at least tell us the charges? I think we deserve that much.
Miko: There are no rules prohibiting such...very well. You are charged with weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying the magical gate located in the Redmountain Hills.
Roy: ELAN!!!!
Elan: Yea, though I walk through the valley of Roy being really pissed, I shall fear no thwacking, for my lute and my banjo, they comfort me.

Spoiler: Strip 204

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What's My Motivation?
Miko, Roy, Haley, Belkar

Miko: Therefore, the six of you are under arrest in the name of my master, Lord Shojo of Azure City.
Roy: Isn't that all the way in the Southern Lands?
Miko: Indeed. It took me nearly 80 strips to get here.
Haley: Roy, if we could conference over here for a moment? Thanks.
Roy: Excuse me for just a second.
Belkar: OK, with the rain gone, I say we start with a Disintegrate from V, followed up by Roy and me flanking her. Haley, finish the horse early. Elan, support.
Roy: I have an alternate strategy: We go peacefully with her to see her master and answer the charges.
Haley: Hmmmm...It lacks the punch of Belkar's plan.
Roy: OK, how about this: You guys attack her, then I help her knock your sorry asses out and drag you back by force.
Haley: Now you're just not even trying.
Roy: Look, if you attack now, she will respond with deadly force, and she won't give you another chance to surrender. I would rather help her knock you all out than watch her Ginsu one of you.
Haley: I can't believe you would side with her against us. You don't even know her name!
Roy: Hey honey, what's you name?
Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, samurai of the Sapphire Guard, vassal of Lord Shojo, daughter of-
Roy: There. Now I do. Guys, listen, this isn't some agent of a dark overlord, this is a PALADIN. She is definitionally one of the Good Guys. I am NOT attacking her! Especially when she's RIGHT! Elan DID destroy that gate when he set off the self-destruct rune, and we're all accessories because we helped him get there. So we are all going to suck it up and let her take us to her master, where we will do our best to explain the extenuating circumstances. Any questions?
Belkar: Are you just going along with this because you want to bone her?
Roy: What?? NO! I am NOT just going along with this because I want to "bone" her!
Haley: Aha! Then you ADMIT that you want to bone her, then!
Roy: Can everyone stop using the word "bone" as a verb?!?

Spoiler: Strip 205

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A is Always A
Haley, Durkon

Haley: I can't believe this! Now we're "The Order of the Stick, as fearlessly led by Roy's pants".
Durkon: Haley, lass, wait up. Ye know Roy wouldn't be goin' along with this if he dinnae think it was the right thing. An' so do I.
(D): Haley, lass, wait up. You know Roy wouldn't be going along with this if he didn't think it was the right thing. And so do I.
Haley: Yeah? Well I don't. Not that anyone around here respects my opinions or anything. "Gosh, Haley, I think you're just being paranoid about these fine Linear Guild folks." Anyone else remember that? Letting myself get arrested would be just about the dumbest thing I could possibly do right now. Tell you what, Durkon. You think I should go, then put your money where your mouth is. I'll make you this bet: I'll give you 3 chances to give me one good reason--just one!--to not sneak off in the middle of the night with my cut of the loot. Do it, and I'll stay. Fail, and I take half YOUR cut with me when I leave
Durkon: I'll take tha bet. Here's me first reason: Elan.
(D): I'll take that bet. Here's my first reason: Elan.
Haley: Please. Do you really think I couldn't get him to come with me if I tried my hardest? He's a bard, he can't BE Lawful.
Durkon: OK, then, me second chance: What about tha treasure?
(D): OK, then, my second chance: What about the treasure?
Haley: What "aboot" it?
Durkon: Ye can't dump even a sixth of tha much gold inta a small town like the one we were at before. Ye need ta get ta a city. Ye even said ye were savin' yer cash fer tha city after tha dungeon. An' here this lass wants to escort us all ta some big city in tha south.
(D): You can't dump even a sixth of that much gold into a small town like the one we were at before. You need to get to a city. You even said you were saving your cash for the city after the dungeon. And here this lass wants to escort us all to some big city in the south.
Haley: First, spending the cash isn't my only priority. I have...other bills that need paying. Second, there a lot of cities in the world.
Durkon: Aye but all o' them be a fair hike away. Thar's travel expenses; feed fer tha horses, room an' board, meals. As long as we're her "prisoners", she's got a duty ta pay for all o' those expenses. It'll be like getting a free trip.
(D): Yes but all of them are a fair hike away. There's travel expenses; feed for the horses, room and board, meals. As long as we're her "prisoners", she's got a duty to pay for all of those expenses. It'll be like getting a free trip.
Haley: Have you looked at the carts?? We have like a million gold pieces there! A trip to the nearest big city might cost like 1000gp, tops, if I stayed in a good inn every night. I can totally afford it! One chance left, D, better make it a good one.
Durkon: Free. Trip.
Haley: Darn you!

Spoiler: Strip 206

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Hidden Benefit of Being an Adventurer
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko

Haley: Stupid paladin. Stupid bet. Stupid dwarven cleric knowing me too well for my own good.
Durkon: Hey, a bet's a bet, lass, no sense grumblin' aboot it afterwards.
(D): Hey, a bet's a bet, lass, no sense grumbling about it afterwards.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, Miss Starshine, I suspect this trip shall commence with or without our petty recriminations.
Haley: I guess you guys got swindled into this too?
Belkar: No, we agreed to turn ourselves in because we are upright law-abiding citizens.
Vaarsuvius: Neither, actually. I find the intrusion of secular legalities into the real of pure theoretical research trying at best. However, I am curious as to the nature of this "gate" that seems so closely linked to the very fabric of spacetime. I believe that allowing myself to be brought before this foul screw's master might yield precious insight into the universal order.
Haley: Well, that at least makes some sense. But Belkar? Why would you go along?
Belkar: I like a challenge. Sure, I can get away with stuff under the nose of, say, a town guardsman. But a PALADIN? That's the Big Leagues. It's like the old song goes: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere. Plus, there's a good chance that if she associates with me, she'll lose all of her paladin powers. And that would be just too funny not to try.
Elan: Aww, c'mon, Haley, don't be a spoilsport! It'll be fun and exciting to travel to the Southern Lands! I've never been there before, I bet they have all sorts of neat stuff to see and cool things to do. It'll be an adventure.
Haley: Elan, we're adventurers. Technically, anything we EVER DO officially counts as an "adventure".
Elan: Wow, I never thought about it that way...
Roy: So whatever we need to do to prove our innocence, we're prepared. Just lead the way!
Miko: I must admit, I did not expect your team to acquiesce to my demands so completely.
Roy: Hey, I know they may not seem like the most competent group, but they're actually a pretty good team, if you can look past a few eccentricities.
Elan: I'm on an adventure!!
Roy: For example.
<jar text> JAM

Spoiler: Strip 207

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Now If Only We Could Organize the Fiends Somehow
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko

Roy: So Miko, there's probably still one thing we should discuss before we hit the road here...
Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I had no idea your carts were filled with filthy lucre!
Haley: HEY! I wash the lucre every day until it SHINES!
Belkar: Seriously, she scrubs every gold piece. It's really kinda creepy.
Miko: Clearly, this is your yearly tithe to your deity.
Roy: No.
Miko: Then it is a generous donation to a local orphanage.
Roy: No.
Miko: A gift to a home for the aged, then?
Roy: No.
Miko: Hospital?
Roy: No.
Miko: Sanitarium?
Roy: No. Though if I knew one that would take them, I'd consider it.
Miko: Tribute to your lord?
Roy: No.
Miko: Tribute from your vassal?
Roy: I should be so lucky.
Miko: I can think of no other lawful purpose for transporting such wealth! What foul deed led to this ill-gotten bounty?
Roy: Nothing but a little classic I like to call "dragon-slaying". Vaarsuvius here killed an evil dragon back in the forest.
Vaarsuvius: Your simple mind cannot possibly the grasp the means with which I wrested the beast from the jaws of reality itself, leaving naught but a small pile of carpet sweepings.
Miko: How can you be certain it was evil, though? Are you not aware that there are dragons who live only to serve the greater good? Without proper training, it is nigh impossible to tell the good dragons from the evil ones. In your ignorance, you may have slain a powerful force for Good in this world! What proof do you have that you did not vanquish a stalwart defender of the weak in your mad lust for treasure??
Roy: Umm...its scales weren't all shiny.
Miko: Ah. Then its destruction was just and necessary.
Elan: Dragons: color-coded for YOUR convenience!

Spoiler: Strip 208

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A Battle of Wits
Belkar, Miko, Windstriker

Belkar: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Paladin Warhorse.
<sfx> munch munch
Belkar: It must be nice. Must be really easy, sitting back and relaxing, knowing that you don't have to earn your own XP, waiting for your master to a score a new level so you can mooch a few new Hit Dice off of her. It looks like we're stuck traveling together for a while, so I bet you're thinking we're all one big happy party. But let's get one thing straight, you pathetic oat-eating bastard: I owe you a world of hurt, and I always pay my debts. One day, when you least expect it, you're going to wake up as glue. And not the good stuff, either, but the cheap white paste that the weird kids eat. I'm going to knock you so far down into negative hit points, you're going to come back around to positives, and yes, I know that doesn't make any sense! Wait--here comes the chick. Don't say a word, or when you end comes, I'll make it ten times as painful.
Windstriker: ...
Belkar: Exactly.
Miko: What are you saying to my warhorse?
Belkar: Nothing. Nothing at all...Miko, right? Yeah. Me and your horse here were just coming to an "understanding".
Miko: Tread carefully, halfling, for I have my eye upon you.
Belkar: Oh, no doubt. I'd be shaking in my boots if I wore any.
Miko: Detect Evil!
Belkar: Too slow, sister.

Spoiler: Strip 209

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Multiclass Discrimination
Roy, Elan, Miko

Roy: So Miko--Wait, should I call you "Miko" or "Miyazaki"? I mean, "Miko" clearly sounds like your given name, but I thought that the surname came first in feudal Japan.
Miko: What is this "Japan" you speak of? I have never heard of it before.
Roy: Good point. Anyway, Miko, back when we fought, those were some pretty fancy moves you pulled out, dodging a fireball, stunning Haley...
Miko: Flattery breeds ego. I did nothing worth noting but serve my lord.
Roy: How does a paladin learn that kind of stuff?
Miko: I was raised in a monastery. I was born to noble parents, but orphaned at a young age. The monks of the dojo took me in, and I became quite skilled in the ways of martial arts. When I turned 13, Lord Shojo chose me to become one of his samurai.
Roy: Ah. So you took a few levels of monk before switching.
Miko: Precisely.
Elan: So Miko, did you take levels in the old samurai class, or the new one?
Miko: I did not take any levels in any "samurai" class.
Elan: Huh? But you said you were a samurai.
Miko: Yes, that is my position in the hierarchy of my homeland, but it is a social title, not a core class. My class is paladin, not counting the monk training mentioned earlier.
Elan: Ohhhhh, I see. So then you took levels in the Master Samurai prestige class.
Miko: No! No, I did not. Why is it so difficult to believe that I can be a samurai without having a class with the word "samurai" in the title?? Can there not be facets of life that are not defined solely by class?
Elan: Well I know SOMEONE who apparently took a few levels in the Mean Old Cranky-Pants prestige class.
Miko: Truly, this journey shall be the greatest challenge to my alignment yet.
Roy: It's like I'm watching my life, but from the outside...

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 210 to 234
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 210

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Displaced Persons
Flumph 1, Dave the Displacer Beast, Joe the Displacer Beast

Dave the Displacer Beast: Great. Just fantastic.
Joe the Displacer Beast: Not this again...
Dave the Displacer Beast: "Hey Dave", you said, "Let's go to the plains. We'll be the only ones there!" Yeah, well, you were right! We ARE the only ones here, which is awfully inconvenient when you're a carnivore! I keep wanting to eat my own displaced image. I mean, they list our preferred Environment in the book for a reason, Joe.
Joe the Displacer Beast: Look, I'll allow that it hasn't turned out quite as I imagined, but we should try to make the best of it.
Dave the Displacer Beast: "Make the best of it"? I don't think--
Joe the Displacer Beast: I'm over here now.
Dave the Displacer Beast: You know, just once in my life, I'd like to have a simple conversation without the other guy actually being someplace else. I'm amazed our species can figure out how to mate...
Joe the Displacer Beast: Hey! Check it out! Some nice juicy horses, with a few humans for dessert!
Dave the Displacer Beast: Oh crap! Joe, those are adventurers!!
Joe the Displacer Beast: Yeah? And? They still taste good.
Dave the Displacer Beast: Don't you see?? We're a random encounter!!
Joe the Displacer Beast: Oh come on. We are not. We have a perfectly good explanation for why we're here and why we might choose to attack them.
Dave the Displacer Beast: Maybe, but they won't ever know what that reason is. We're just a monster placed in the wrong habitat to them. They'll kill us, and then just continue on with whatever lame, drawn-out plot they're following.
Dave the Displacer Beast: <whispering> Just stay down! They don't get any XP for us if they don't encounter us at all.
Joe the Displacer Beast: Wonderful. There goes the only food we've seen for days. Weeks!
Dave the Displacer Beast: The risk wasn't worth it. Besides, I'm sure something will turn up.
Flumph 1: Excuse me, kind sir, we were wondering if we could trouble you for directions?

Spoiler: Strip 211

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The Hook
Roy, Elan, Belkar, Miko, Old Lady Dirt Farmer

Elan: Bored. I'm bored, bored, bored, BORED!
Roy: I have to agree. These plains are pretty dull. Shouldn't we have had a random encounter by now?
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Help! Please help me!
Roy: YES!! A plot hook! Uh, I mean, look! An innocent civilian in dire need of our assistance. Heh heh.
Miko: Calm yourself, old woman. What drives you to cry for aid?
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Ogres, miss. A whole tribe of 'em! They moved into the area last week, and they've been lootin' our land and attackin' travelers. Buncha savages!! They just kidnapped my husband 'a 42 years! Please, help me!
Roy: Where did this happen?
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: At our farm, about a mile away. We sure are dirt poor. It wouldn't matter if we were the richest in town, 'cuz the whole village is helpless.
Miko: I have heard enough. Clearly, it is my sacred duty to smite these wretched abominations.
Roy: I agree. We should hunt them down and destroy them.
Belkar: Sounds like a plan, boss. If I may suggest a strategy, I think we should start with the outlying farms, and then sweep in to wipe out the shops and taverns and such. Oh, wait--did you mean we should kill the ogres? Never mind, then.

Spoiler: Strip 212

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Dirt Farm
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Old Lady Dirt Farmer

Roy: Uh, what did you say you grew around here?
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: We're dirt farmers, son. We grow dirt. Time was, you couldn't go wrong growing dirt, since all the other farmers need so much of it. But our crop got wiped out by the great Dirt Blight a few years back, and we never recovered.
Roy: Now Haley, I know you're not going to want to help these--
Haley: Don't you worry, ma'am, we'll get your husband back safe and sound.
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Bless you!
Roy: Whoa, you? Helping someone other than yourself? I can't believe it!
Haley: Excuse me? Exactly when did you become the ultimate authority on me? If you took everything you don't know about me and put it together, it would get a -16 size penalty to AC.
Roy: Well, you never showed an interest in helping others before...
haley: News flash, Roy: every quest we've done has been all about YOU. "I want to beat Xykon, I want the starmetal, I want to bump uglies with the paladin."
Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies".
Haley: Maybe if you suggest a mission that was about something other than just helping one Roy Greenhilt, I'd be more open to considering it.
Roy: Huh. OK, that's fair. I apologize for generalizing. I guess I just need to convince Belkar that we--
Belkar: Nah, I'm fine. Let's go. Hey, ogres make a very satisfying thump when they hit the ground. What can I say, I'm a simple man with simple tastes.
Roy: Wait, wait, wait. So Haley, you're OK with this, and Belkar, you're actually looking forward to it?
Haley: Yup.
Belkar: Pretty much.
Roy: Wow. It's refreshing to not have to jump through hoops to convince the members of my own party to participate in a mission.
Vaarsuvius: Can anyone endeavor to explain why in the unspoken names of the infernal dimensions we are wasting our precious time at this insignificant mudhole???

Spoiler: Strip 213

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The Man Knows His Limitations
Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Old Lady Dirt Farmer

<sign text> DIRT 10 cp/scoop 1 cp/scoop Free!
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Sigh...Times are tough.
Vaarsuvius: I am not intending to be completely without compassion for their plight, but there is a matter of scale to consider. We cannot divert from a quest that may hold answers to key secrets about the nature of the universal order to track down a few dozen petty brigands.
Roy: Look at it this way: Miko is going to help the peasants, and you can't get your answers without her guiding you there. So the sooner we squish the ogres, the sooner we're back on the road.
Vaarsuvius: Fine. But let the record show that I consider this an utter waste of my prodigious magical talent.
Roy: I'll inform our stenographer. We know the ogres were here a few hours ago, so I say we follow their trail.
Miko: Agreed. I will begin tracking them now.
Roy: You have the Track feat? That's kind of an odd feat choice for a monk/paladin.
Miko: If I had not selected it, I would not have been chosen to hunt you down.
Roy: Huh. I guess that's true. OK, then, we'll follow you to--
Belkar: Whoa, there, no way. I'm the tracker on this team, so I'm the one who walks in front and follows footprints. So just get your caboose to the back of the line while a man goes out and finds them for you, OK?
Miko: I would prefer to track them myself.
Roy: Look, guys, this will be easy to figure out. Tracking uses the Survival skill, right? So whoever has the higher Survival skill modifier gets to do the tracking.
Miko: That is fair.
Roy: Now Miko, Survival skill is a cross-class skill for both the Monk and Paladin classes.
Miko: Correct. I have thus only 1 skill rank in Survival.
Roy: There you go, Belkar. Survival is a class skill for both Ranger and Barbarian, so you must have spent at least a few skill points on it.
Belkar: Yeah, um...see, there's a funny story there...
Roy: How could you not spend ANY points on Survival??
Belkar: I didn't think it would come up!
Roy: You didn't...I hired you to be the party tracker!!
Belkar: And don't you feel stupid now?!?
Roy: No, Belkar, I don't think it's physically possible for me to feel stupid after talking to you.
Miko: Perhaps we should compare our respective Wisdom modifiers?
Belkar: ...I'll be in the back.

Spoiler: Strip 214

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No Plan Survives Contact with One's Allies
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Ogre

Roy: Sweet! It may have taken all night, but you found the ogre camp, Miko. Looks like you're skilled as you are hot.
Miko: Actually, I am a bit chilly in these northern climates.
Haley: Hey Roy! Check it out. Half of them are still asleep, and the guards are all eating.
Roy: Huh. I would've though that ogres were nocturnal.
Haley: Nah, ever since they stopped listing Activity Cycle in the monster entries, it's all a crap shoot.
Roy: OK, I think we can take them all quick if we move quietly. Elan, sneak in and try to free the old woman's husband.
Elan: I'm participating!
Roy: Haley, Belkar, sneak closer and ambush the guards. V, if you have any spells that would make them harder to see, go ahead and--
Miko: Attention, evil ogre bandits!
Roy: Or, I suppose we could try a different tact.
Miko: I, Miko Miyazaki, paladin of the Sapphire Guard, have come to vanquish you this morning. Rouse yourself from your half-asleep stupor and prepare yourself for battle. In the interest of a fair and proper fight, I demand you be fully awake before we attack. Don't forget to retrieve your weapons from their resting places.
Ogre: oh. thanks. ummm, i think we're ready.
Miko: Did you finish your meal?
Ogre: huh?
Miko: You have not eaten your morning meal yet. It would be dishonorable to fight a foe who has not had the chance to load up on carbs.
Haley: Sooooo...I'm thinking no Sneak Attack?
Miko: No, by all means, have a second helping. I can wait.
Roy: Apparently, getting your ass kicked is now a part of this complete breakfast.

Spoiler: Strip 215

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Taking Charge
Roy, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Ogre Chieftain

Miko: You are the ogre chieftain, then? Are your ogres fully prepared to fight?
Ogre Chieftain: yes. we are ready to fight. I said, we are ready to--
Miko: I heard you the first time.
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Miko: Durkon! Elf! Scorch the area, centered on me!
Vaarsuvius: I do not respond to being address as, "Elf," nor do I take orders from those intellectually inferior to myself.
Durkon: Ah, stop bein' a stick in tha mud, tha lass has got a good plan goin', just go along wit it.
(D): Oh, stop being a stick in the mud, the lass has got a good plan going, just go along with it.
Vaarsuvius: Fine. Fireball.
Durkon: Thor's Lightning!
Roy: Wait, so your whole speech about honor was just a bluff?!?
Miko: Not at all, I meant every word. It was merely ALSO a convenient way of gathering the entire tribe into an area small enough to Fireball. You didn't actually think I was stupid enough to allow the enemy to completely surround me without a valid strategic plan in mind?
Roy: Um...no, no, of course not...
Miko: Good. Let's mop up the survivors.
Roy: So, I've met someone who is everything I thought I wanted, and I find that I really just want to kick her in the head.
Durkon: Love is an Epic-level challenge.

Spoiler: Strip 216

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Perfect Combo
Roy, Half-Ogre

Roy: Well, at least there are some ogres left to fight...Wow, what have we got here? An ogre with a spiked chain?
Half-Ogre: A HALF-ogre with a spiked chain!
Roy: Ah, I thought I smelled cheese nearby. Charge!
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Combat Reflexes and a 15-foot reach, sucker!
Roy: Huh?
Half-Ogre: Basically I get to attack you twice for free every time you charge me.
Roy: Ah, got it. Sorry, I only got a C- in my Attacks of Opportunity class.
Half-Ogre: And on my turn, I Spring Attack 5 feet to the left, attack, and spring back 15 feet. Now you have to charge me again to attack!
<sfx> swoosh! spring!
Roy: Charge!
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Don't you see? It's the perfect melee build! Sure, I needed to use five feats and had to be a half-ogre to pull it off, but now I'm unbeatable!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: All I have to do is keep moving back every time it's my turn.
<sfx> spring!
Roy: Well, I have to admire your mastery of the reach rules, but don't you think it's unwise to continually use the same tactic, round after round? Shouldn't you vary your attacks?
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Attack of Opportunity!
<sfx> swoosh!
Half-Ogre: Why bother? The combo is perfect, I'm telling you. As long as I move back 15 feet every--
<sfx> spring!

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Now in Ogrevision!
Haley, Elan, Guard Ogre

Elan: <singing> Move, move, move, move silently across the battlefield!
Haley: Geez, Elan, that one is the specific example given of a bard song that DOESN'T work.
Elan: Oh, right. I forgot.
Haley: Now focus, Elan. Little Miss Stick-Up-Her-Butt may have blown off Roy's plan, but those captives still need to be rescued. Uh oh, a guard ogre. And he's carrying equipment, which probably means he has class levels.
Elan: Don't worry, Haley! Vaarsuvius has been teaching me how to use my illusions better. I can get us past this guy.
Haley: Oh, you're just so cute when you are unjustifiably confident.
Elan: Check it out! Disguise Self! Look at me! I'm an ogre! Wheeeee!
Haley: Huh. This might actually work.
Elan: Gotta get the voice just right...
Elan: <imitating ogre speech> chief need you. go. i guard cave now.
Guard Ogre: ok. I do as you say, strange ogre i have never seen before. i go.
Haley: Wow, Elan, I'm impressed.
Elan: Thanks! Maybe when this is over, you can tell Roy how I did a good job.
Haley: Sure thing. I know how important his approval is to--
Elan: Ahhh! Look out! There's another ogre in the water!! I'll hold him off! You go free the captives!
Haley: On second thought, maybe Roy doesn't need to know about any of this.
<sfx> splash! splish!
Elan: Watch out! I think he turned invisible!

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OD&D
Haley, Elan, Old Man Dirt Farmer

Elan: But Haley, what if the invisible ogre sneaks up behind us and attacks?
Haley: I'm willing to take full responsibility if that happens.
Elan: There! That must be the dirt farmer's husband there.
Haley: Hey, old-timer, wakey wakey!
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Whuh? What's going on? Who are you people?
Elan: We're here to rescue you.
Haley: You might want to speak louder, Elan. I'm not sure he can hear you.
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Griffon puckey! My hearing is just fine. Everyone knows your hearing and vision get BETTER when you get old, not worse!
Elan: They do?
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Of course! Your Wisdom increases as you get older, doesn't it now? And Spot and Listen are based off of Wisdom. So my senses are sharper today than when I was a young whippersnapper like you! Of course, you kids today with your crazy internally-consistent skill systems. Back in my day, we just had Nonweapon Proficiencies and we liked them! And we would walk uphill in the snow to OUR dungeons, both ways! Which reminds me of a story from when I was young. See, there was this keep, and it say one the Borderlands...
Haley: I wonder what the Craft DC on a gag is...
Elan: Sorry, Haley, I can't hear you. I'm intentionally failing my Listen check.
Old Man Dirt Farmer: ...and when we got to the palace, the Silver Princess said to us...

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No Joke Too Cliched
Roy, Belkar, Durkon, Miko

<sfx> THUMP!
Belkar: Ahhhh....there it is.
<sfx> swish!
Belkar: When the hell did you become so nimble??
Durkon: It's tha ogres! I get a +4 dodge bonus when fightin' em.
(D): It's the ogres! I get a +4 dodge bonus when fighting them.
<sfx> swish!
Belkar: Ah. Well, just so you know, that's the last ogre you just killed, so technically...
<sfx> CRASH!
Belkar: Heh. Hey, where's the Ice Queen? Off ruining the last tiny shred of fun I'm still allowed to have in this party, I presume?
Roy: Miko's not that bad, Belkar.
Belkar: In the same way that an unnecessary Fortitude save isn't that bad, because at least you got to roll a save?
Roy: You just need to see where she's coming from. I think she's led a very sheltered life, and isn't used to dealing with anyone but other monks or paladins. There must be all sorts of things that she doesn't understand.
Belkar: Such as?
Miko: You appear to be injured. Would you like me to lay hands upon you?
Roy: Nah, you know what? I'll let that pass, too obvious.
Belkar: Aw, come ON! She lobbed it right over the plate, at least take a swing!

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For a Reasonable Fee
Roy, Vaarsuvuius, Belkar, Miko

Belkar: So what we've learned today is that Roy would rather be touched by a short hairy man than a hot kung-fu chick.
Roy: Shut up. Well, the ogres are finished, I guess we're just waiting for Haley to bring back the peasant.
Vaarsuvius: Excellent. Then this is a perfect opportunity to discuss my expenses.
Roy: Expenses?
Vaarsuvius: Indeed. I have taken a proverbial page out of Miss Starshine's tome and prepared a comprehensive account of my services. I present this invoice to account for my services in the most recent battle.
<invoice text> INVOICE. Bill to: That Paladin. Fireball: 360 gp. Pinch of Sulfur: 1 cp. Bat Guano: 1 cp. Service Fee: 100 gp. Roaming Charge: 4374 gp. Heating Charge: 28 gp. Total: 4862 gp.
Miko: What exactly is a "Roaming Charge"?
Vaarsuvius: Ah. That is a 1 gp fee for every mile outside of my standard service area back in the elven homelands.
Roy: And sulfur? Bat guano? Vaarsuvius, you're not even required to keep track of these components!
Vaarsuvius: It is more the principle of the thing. I care not one whit about the money, but I do not wish my arcane powers to be utilized in vain in a trivial battle. I am hoping that the knowledge that my spells come with a price attached will keep my power from being squandered. Sir Greenhilt, as always, you have my services at your disposal. But should this one request that I alter reality on her behalf, she will be issued an appropriate bill afterwards.
Miko: I am not paying for your participation in a righteous cause, Elf.
<sfx> slash! slash!
Vaarsuvius: I thought you might feel that way, so I took the liberty of preparing a revised invoice that you might find more convincing.
Miko: This makes even leess sense. I do not remember you casting a spell called "Explosive Ru--"
Roy: NO!!!

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Recycling Works
Roy, Vaarsuvuius, Belkar

Roy: What the hell was that??
Vaarsuvius: I decided to lower my prices and give her a two-spells-for-the-price-of-one discount.
Roy: You can't blow Miko up, Vaarsuvius!
Vaarsuvius: I believe you mean that I shouldn't blow Miko up. I am fairly certain that if I put my mind to the task, I can do exactly that.
Roy: You're just lucky she doesn't have any ranks in Spellcraft, so she doesn't know what you just tried to pull there.
Vaarsuvius: Bah! she had d10 Hit Dice, she was in no real danger. I do not appreciate the way she has seized control of this party, to the point where now she feels she can direct us in battle. She is NOT our leader, she does not bark orders at me. Period.
Roy: I thought you were interested in finding out about these "Gates". Don't you want to hear what her master knows?
Vaarsuvius: I do, but it is not worth tolerating that insufferable cretin taking over control of this party.
Roy: Listen, V, I'm sorry but if you have a complaint, you take it up with me. It is NOT acceptable to cast Explosive Runes on a fellow party member.
Vaarsuvius: I was not aware that she was suddenly a member of this party.
Belkar: Wait a second, so this piece of paper has that Explosive Runes spell cast on it?
Roy: Yeah. Vaarsuvius tried to cast it on Miko.
Belkar: Great! I know a horse that needs to read this!
Vaarsuvius: You need not bother saving that document. I intentionally spelled "Explosive Runes" with an extra "i", thus ruining the spell. It will not explode when read.
Belkar: Damn it! No, wait, what are you talking about? "Explosive Runes" isn't spelled--
<sfx> BOOM!
Belkar: The horse first. You? A close second.
Vaarsuvius: I rest easy knowing that your revenge requires you to first outsmart someone's mount.

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A Blissful Marriage
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Durkon, Old Lady Dirt Farmer, Old Man Dirt Farmer

Old Man Dirt Farmer: Of course, back in MY day, we didn't have these fancy "prestige classes". You picked a class and you stuck with it, come hell or high water. Unless you chose to dual-class. Or become a bard. But by the gods, that was such an unnecessarily byzantine process that it drove more men mad than I could spit it. Nope, we didn't cotton to no simplicity of design, nosiree...
Roy: Durkon, next time we go on a rescue mission, be sure to ask Thor for a Silence spell first.
Durkon: Aye.
(D): Yes.
Elan: Hey, we're back at the dirt farm!
Roy: I never thought I'd be so glad to hear that sentence.
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Oh! My husband! You've brought him back safely! Oh, I was so scared! I thought for sure you had gone to the Great Dirt Pile in the Sky!
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Ah, quit your crying, woman! I still got all my hit points!
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: You won't when I'm through with you!! How dare you worry me like that?!?
<sfx> SLAP!
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Ooof! Stop hitting me, you wrinkled harpy! Don't make me smack your ass!
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Ha! Five levels in Commoner, you couldn't hit the broad side of the barn!
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Your ass is bigger than the barn!
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Get inside! You're making us NPCs look bad in front of the main characters!
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Oh, I'll make you look bad if you don't watch it, shrew!
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Get! I'm so terribly thankful you brought him back alive. Is there anything I can do for you kids?
Belkar: Well, actually--
Haley: No, nothing. We're just happy to help. You should go spend some time with him.
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Spend some time? I got myself captured by ogres so I could be alone for one minute!
Roy: Do you get the feeling that this might not have been as good a deed as we believed?
Old Man Dirt Farmer: Hey, can I hire you kids to rescue me from a horrible witch?
Old Lady Dirt Farmer: Only if I can hire them to save me from a half-man, half-chicken!

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Love, in the Abstract
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Miko

Belkar: I don't get those humans. If they're just going to make each other miserable, why did she bother asking us to rescue the old bastard?
Vaarsuvius: The forces that bind two people together are among the most chaotic and unpredictable in the universe.
Durkon: Aye, ain't that tha truth.
(D): Yes, isn't that the truth.
Vaarsuvius: Sometimes, people find themselves in love despite having nothing in common. Each brings out hidden qualities in the other, until they arrive at a sort of equilibrium.
Elan: I'm surprised you didn't ask the farmers for a reward.
Haley: What was I going to do, take a percentage of their dirt? Besides, it was kinda fun, and we got to beat up some ogres.
Elan: Well, even so, I'm really proud of you, Haley.
Vaarsuvius: On the other hand, two people can seem to have everything in common, and still be utterly wrong for one another. Not that it will stop them from slamming their respective heads into the brick wall of romantic futility.
Roy: Look, you can't treat people like they're your hirelings all of the time.
Miko: Yes, I can. You are all my prisoners, so you must all obey my orders.
Roy: Prisoners, yes. Slaves, no. They really don't NEED to follow orders. It would be nice if you could bother to learn their names, or treat them with some respect. You need to compromise a little.
Miko: A paladin never compromises.
Roy: Does a paladin ever remove the stick from their ass?
Miko: No. It's a class feature.
Belkar: Blech. This is all a waste of time. I'll stick with my ale and whores, thank you very much.
Vaarsuvius: This is to be expected from one who has trouble with the concept that other people deserve to exists.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, how'd ye ever learn so much aboot how folks fall in love? Ye don't seem tha type, really.
(D): Vaarsuvius, how'd you ever learn so much about how people fall in love? You don't seem the type, really.
Vaarsuvius: Only through empirical evidence did I arrive at such knowledge. It took my mate and I many years to acknowledge our feelings for one another. Our wedding was the finest day of my long life.
Durkon: Yer MARRIED?!?
(D): You're MARRIED?!?
Belkar: So...many...questions...

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Groggy, Groggy, Groggy
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Miko

Durkon: Aw c'mon, ye can't just leave us hangin'. Ye got to give us more than tha.
(D): Oh come on, you can't just leave us hanging. You have to give us more than that.
Vaarsuvius: I am sorry, but the nature of my matrimonial state is my business and mine alone.
Haley: Wait, you guys didn't know V was married?
Elan: Hey Roy, we were up all night fighting those ogres. Can we maybe stop and sleep? I'm feeling a little groggy.
Roy: I know what you mean...Blue warrior needs food...BADLY! OK, gang, we're going to rest here.
Miko: But it is barely midday! We could get 6 more hours of forced marching in before dusk.
Elan: "Groggy" is a fun word to say. Groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, groggy, grog--
<sfx> WHUMP!
Miko: Very well...we can camp here in this muddy ditch by the side of the road. There are sharp rocks we can use as pillows and plenty of lichen to eat.
Roy: Yeah, that's, um, that's one option we could consider. Or, if I may be so bold as to suggest an alternative...
<sign text> WEARY TRAVELERS INN and TAVERN
Miko: Well, yes, I suppose if you wanted to give in to gluttony and corruption...
Vaarsuvius: I do, in fact.
Belkar: One order of gluttony with a side of corruption, please.
Roy: Yup.
Elan: Zzzzz...
Miko: You should not give in to your so-called "needs"!
Haley: Sounds good.
Miko: Luxury is the herald of weakness!
Durkon: Sorry, lass.
Miko: There aren't even rules for sleeping, you know!!

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Checking In
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Shadowdancer, Inn Receptionist

<desk text> INN
Roy: Hey, we'd like to get some rooms?
Haley: Now hold on a minute, Rot. I think Miko should pay for this.
Miko: What?
Haley: Hey, if we're your prisoners, you're responsible for providing clean and safe places for us to sleep.
Miko: But you have bags upon bags of treasure! My lord gave me only a small stipend.
Haley: Not the point! You want to pull the strings, you got to pay the piper!
Miko: Fine.
Belkar: That's like the worst mixed metaphor ever. Geez.
Miko: I require two rooms, one for the men, and one for the women and the elf.
Vaarsuvius: Three rooms. I room only with Miss Starshine.
Belkar: Four rooms. I'm not listening to Durkon snore. It causes emotional distress.
Miko: Fine. Four rooms.
Haley: And hey, do you have some sort of safety deposit box here? We have a few bags that need to be kept secure.
Inn Receptionist: Of course, miss. Our safe is warded by the best abjurations. There is, of course, an additional fee for its use.
Haley: She'll cover it. What about stables?
Inn Receptionist: Yes, but there is--
Haley: She'll cover it.
Belkar: Miko, since you're paying for all that, may I suggest splurging on a bath for yourself?
Miko: Why would I do that?
Belkar: ...No reason.
Miko: Perhaps would your highness maybe wish to be fanned by a servant? Or fed grapes?
Haley: Hey, can I actually get that here?
Inn Receptionist: No.
Haley: Darn.
Roy: No fighting, ladies. Let's enjoy a peaceful night in a restful bed for a change.
Haley: Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't let anything spoil our rest.
Shadowdancer: Checking in?
Inn Receptionist: Certainly, sir.
<barrel text> T.N.T.

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Who's On the Throne?
Roy, Pepe, Female Inn Staffer

Roy: Kind of a fancy hotel you guys have here, especially considering it's in the middle of nowhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Oh, no, sir, we're in the middle of Somewhere.
Roy: Well, OK, I guess technically it's somewhere, but c'mon, it's not really anywhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Of course not, sir; Anywhere is an entirely different nation.
Roy: Right, so as I said, we're in the middle of nowhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Oh, absolutely not, sir--Nowhere is nowhere near Somewhere, and is in fact closer to Anywhere.
Roy: Huh?
Female Inn Staffer: Well, you said we were Nowhere, which is a good bit east of Somewhere and a little south of Anywhere.
Roy: What the--look, wherever we are right now, it has to be somewhere, correct?
Female Inn Staffer: Correct, sir.
Roy: But we're in the middle of a flat featureless plain, so we're not really anywhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Right again, sir.
Roy: So therefore, we're not really anywhere, we're just nowhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Ah, that's where you've lost it, sir.
Roy: Who's that guy? He looks important.
Female Inn Staffer: Oh, he is, sir. That's the King of Somewhere.
Roy: Wait, you have a king staying in your inn, and don't even know where he's from?
Female Inn Staffer: No, not Nowhere, sir, Somewhere.
Roy: So for all you know, he could be the king of anywhere?
Female Inn Staffer: Of course not, sir. The King of Anywhere has a beard.
Roy: Umm...right. Well, obviously you have some issues with royalty, so I'll make it easy on you: I'm not the king of anywhere.
Female Inn Staffer: Clearly. No beard.
Roy: No, I mean, I'm the king of nowhere at all.
Female Inn Staffer: The King of Nowhere? Of course, I should have known by the crown around your neck!
Roy: What? No, you don't understand--
Female Inn Staffer: Pepe! Take His Majesty, the King of Nowhere, to the Royal Suite.
Pepe: Of course. This way.
Roy: I'm so confused. I try to figure out where that king guy is from, and now they think I'm king of someplace else.
Pepe: Oh, no, sir, not at all. Someplace Else is a democracy.

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AR&R
Roy, Haley, Elan, Durkon, Miko, Leon

Durkon: Whuh? We take a nap fer a few hours an this...?
(D): What? We take a nap for a few hours and this...?
Haley: Hey! They specifically told me I couldn't get the fans-and-grapes thing!
Leon: I'm sorry, but the king is very busy right now and cannot be disturbed.
Roy: No, no, Leon, they're with me?
Leon: As you wish, Your Majesty.
Haley: "Majesty"?
Leon: Roy, I never knew you were a king!
Roy: I wasn't until a few hours ago.
Elan: Wow! You were kinged! Does that mean you made it to the other side of the checkers board?
Roy: Sigh. No, Elan. It means they've confused me with someone else.
Elan: Ohhh...so someone ELSE made it across the checkers board.
Durkon: Roy, dontcha think it be a wee bit wrong ta take all this from these folks?
(D): Roy, don't you think it's a little bit wrong to take all this from these people?
Roy: No, and I'll tell you why. We just did a very good deed for very poor dirt farmers, and none of us--not even Haley--asked for any reward. Since this just dropped in my lap, I figure it must be the Universe rewarding us for our selfless deed. Besides, worst comes to worst, I'll just pay for it out of my share of the treasure. So sit down! Take a load off! We deserve some R&R!
Haley: I sure could use a pedicure.
Durkon: Aye, me toenails be in sorry shape.
(D): Yes, my toenails are in sorry shape.
Roy: Now if only I could get Miko into one of these outfits, this would be perfect.
Durkon: Um, yeah, lad, me thinks it best if'n Miko ne're know aboot none o' this here.
(D): Um, yeah, lad, I think it best if Miko never knows about any of this here.
Roy: Aw, c'mon, you don't think all this would impress here? Not even a little?
<cutaway>
Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?
<cutback>
Durkon: No, lad. Na even a little.
(D): No, lad. Not even a little.

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Unlawful Good
Belkar, Miko, Mr. Jones

Belkar: Oh, look at poor little me, I seem to have forgotten my lead sheet in my hotel room!
Miko: Detect--
Mr. Jones: Stop right there! Miss Miyazaki, I have here a court order demanding that you immediately cease and desist all attempts to detect Mr. Bitterleaf's alignment.
Miko: Excuse me?
Mr. Jones: You have placed my client under arrest for an alleged criminal infraction against universal existence, but this does not give you the power to infringe upon his expectation of privacy. As a law enforcement officer, your repeated attempts to use supernatural abilities to discover his true moral alignment clearly constitute an illegal search, and as a result, violate my client's civil rights. We have therefore filed for an injunction against further uses of the Detect Evil power, the Detect Evil spell, or other class or race ability that might divine incriminating facts about my client.
Belkar: Translated into Common: Suck it!
Miko: Very well, I suppose if the law prohibits--
Belkar: Wait, it gets better.
Mr. Jones: I also have here a class-action suit on behalf of all characters and monsters that you have exposed to this Detect Evil power over the years.
Miko: What??
Mr. Jones: We have several affidavits from clerics and other medical professionals that the emanations from your supernatural ability are blocked by sheets of lead, in a manner consistent with X-rays, gamma rays, and other forms of potentially harmful radiation. As a result, there is a potential and unexplored health risk due to exposure to this radiation, but you are alleged to have willfully exposed thousands of monsters without regard to their well-being.
Miko: This is preposterous! My Detect Evil power is granted by the gods, it is not harmful.
Mr. Jones: Oh really? Are you aware that an alarmingly high percentage of the creatures you have exposed to this radiation are now deceased?
Miko: Yes! Because they were Evil, so I killed them!
Mr. Jones: The plaintiff rests.

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No Offense, Aaron
Redaxe, Shadowdancer

Redaxe: What did ye learn?
(R): What did you learn?
<barrel text> T.N.T.
Shadowdancer: I couldn't hear what they were saying; some halfling in the room next door was laughing too loud about something. But from what I saw, the King of Nowhere checked in two days early. He's here, now. But he's not alone. I counted nine people with him: Six members of the hotel staff, his dwarven advisor, his court jester, and a red-haired girl I presume is a prostitute.
Redaxe: Och, well, tha's good news aboot tha king bein' early. Gives us extra time to go an' kill 'im dead before the peace conference wit' tha King o' Somewhere. But tha's too many folks thar ta use tha explosives. I don't get paid by tha body count.
(R): Ah, well, that's good news about the king being early. Gives us extra time to go and kill him dead before the peace conference with the King of Somewhere. But there's too many people there to use the explosives. I don't get paid by the body count.
Shadowdancer: True, plus we need to keep a low profile on this job.
Redaxe: Aye, this'll be a tricky one.
(R): Yes, this will be a tricky one.
Shadowdancer: Wait, I have a great idea! The king's room is what, twenty feet straight down? Maybe thirty?
Redaxe: Aye, what of it?
(R): Yes, what of it?
Shadowdancer: So I'm a shadowdancer, blessed with magical powers of darkness. All I have to do is jump into a shadow here, and I can magically teleport to any shadow in the king's room. I leap out, stab him with my poisoned blade, and use the shadows to escape back here.
Redaxe: Jump inta tha shadows, will ye?
(R): Jump into the shadows, will you?
Shadowdancer: Yes.
Redaxe: You dinnae notice a flaw in yer plan?
(R) You don't notice a flaw in your plan?
Shadowdancer: No.
Redaxe: A crucial fund'mental flaw?
(R): A crucial fundamental flaw?
Shadowdancer: No!
Redaxe: Thar's no shadows! It's a friggin' stick figure comic, ye moron!
(R): There's no shadows! It's a friggin' stick figure comic, you moron!
Shadowdancer: Huh. You know, I've been a member of this prestige class for years, and I never actually noticed that before.
Redaxe: I knew I should've taken tha job at "Nodwick".
(R): I knew I should've taken the job at "Nodwick".

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The Law Strikes Back
Belkar, Mr. Rodriguez, Shadowdancer

Belkar: Evenin'.
Shadowdancer: Evenin'.
<building text> STABLES
<sfx> WHAM!
Belkar: Pray to whatever weird gods you serve, horse!
Mr. Rodriguez: Hi!
Belkar: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Rodriguez: I've been retained as legal counsel for Windstriker the horse, of course, of course. He's away in the Celestial Realms right now, but I'm here to serve you with this scroll containing a mysterious spell of protection!
Belkar: This isn't a spell, it's a restraining order.
Mr. Rodriguez: A spooooky restraining order!
Belkar: It says I'm supposed to remain 200 feet away from the stupid horse at all times. OK, Well, this all seems in order, so I guess I'll--oh! Wait. You seem to have made a mistake right here.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aw man! What's the mistake.
Belkar: I'm Chaotic.
Mr. Rodriguez: Get away! I want my due process! Ipso facto! Writ of habeas corpus!
Belkar: Oh, I'll produce the body all right!

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From the Mouths of Babes
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Roy: Hey, you know, we're all enjoying this luxury, but we should at least share it with the others. We should get Vaarsuvius and Belkar up here. We should get Vaarsuvius up here.
Elan: Yeah, definitely!
Haley: Sure, let's get V in here.
Durkon: Aye.
(D): Yes.
Haley: You know what, the servants are off getting more grapes anyway, I'll go get V.
Durkon: Aye, I'll go wit ye. I want to drop me armor off in me room so I can get one o' them fancy massages later.
(D): Yes, I'll go with you. I want to drop my armor off in my room so I can get one of those fancy massages later.
Elan: Hey Roy, can I ask you a question?
Roy: And thus begins the end of my relaxation. Sure, Elan, ask away.
Elan: Do you like Miko?
Roy: Yeah.
Elan: I mean, do you LIKE like--
Roy: I knew what you meant.
Elan: Why?
Roy: I'm sorry?
Elan: Why do you like here?
Roy: Well, uh, we have the same alignment, and...uh...and she's really good-looking, and..umm...and she's good-looking.
Elan: But she's mean.
Roy: Well I admit she's a bit rough around the edges, but I don't--
Elan: No, she's really mean, Roy. To me, and to Vaarsuvius, and to you too. You just pretend she's not for some reason. I was thinking, why would Roy LIKE like a girl who is so mean to his friends, and I can't figure it out. Unless you like her more than us. Is that it, Roy? Do you like Miko more than you like me?
Roy: Uh, well...see, the thing is...I mean...See, Elan, the thing of it is--
<sfx> BOOOM!
Elan: What was that???
Roy: Thank you, gods, for your well-timed explosion.

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Because They Got Lonely in the Bag
Roy, Elan, Redaxe, Pepe, Beaver

<barrel text> T.N.T.
Redaxe: Ha! Tha's how a DWARF picks a lock thar! Too bad it leaves all this smoke...King o' Nowhere! We know yer in thar! Send yer court jester out, so at least ye can die knowin' ye didn't bring no one else down wit ye! And none o' yer tricks! We're ready fer ye.
(R): Ha! That's how a DWARF picks a lock there! Too bad it leaves all this smoke...King of Nowhere! We know you're in there! Send your court jester out, so at least you can die knowing you didn't bring anyone else down with you! And none of your tricks! We're ready for you.
Elan: Roy! That dwarf thinks you're the real king! He's trying to kill you!
Roy: Thanks, I puzzled that out all by myself.
Elan: Can't we just explain that this is just a wacky case of mistaken identity and you aren't really the king??
Roy: I get the distinct impression that he wouldn't be inclined to believe me that easily. No, I think we're definitely going to have to kick his dwarven butt. Elan, hand me my club. I can't help but notice the empty space in my hand where I would have expected a greatclub to be by this point.
Elan: I am SO sorry! Your club was getting all beaten and worn out, and I was afraid you were going to get a splinter or something, so I sent it downstairs with one of the servants to get fixed. Please don't be mad, I was trying to help!
Roy: Sigh. Well, thanks for the thought. Hand me my sword, then. A broken blade is still better than none.
Elan: Ummm...
Roy: Oh, what is it NOW?
Elan: I thought your sword might be jealous if the club came back looking like new, so I sent it down to be polished up.
Roy: Grrr. Fine. Give me your rapier, then.
Elan: Well, I figured if they were going to have the jar of polish out...
Roy: Oh, for the love of--did you send any of our OTHER equipment downstairs to be fixed???
Elan: To be fixed? Um, no, not exactly...
<cutaway>
Pepe: More tea, gentlemen?
Beaver: Outstanding.

Spoiler: Strip 233

Show

No Thread Left Untied
Roy, Elan, Shadowdancer

Roy: I cannot believe you sent all of our equipment away, leaving us defenseless!
Elan: Really? Because I can totally believe I did something lik that.
Roy: OK...OK, if we can't fight, we can still run. Get one of these windows open, we'll climb out and down to the ground.
Elan: Got it!
<sfx> teeysh! teeysh! teeysh!
Roy: Crap!
Shadowdancer: Give it up, Your Majesty! You're surrounded! Let whoever you've got in there with you go, so you can die with honor!
Elan: Roy! In here!
Roy: Good! Go! Elan...this isn't an exit! It's a janitorial closet!!
Elan: I know! It's perfect.
Roy: Elan, you do know that the term, "mopping up the bad guys" is a figure of speech, right?
Elan: Roy, I have a plan. Now that we're out of sight, I cast Disguise Self on you so that you look like a hotel staff guy. Then we tell the assassins we ran in here when the explosion went off, and we just walk out.
Roy: Disguise Self, Elan. The spell is named Disguise SELF.
Elan: Right, so I just disguise yourself.
Roy: Perfect. You get as close as you possibly ever could to a workable plan that could save our asses, and it fails because you can't grasp the grammar involved.
Elan: Wait! I just remembered! I have the perfect disguise right here...

Spoiler: Strip 234

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The Ultimate Sacrifice
Roy, Elan

Roy: The Belt of Gender-Changing??
Elan: You bet!
Roy: You kept it? Why??
Elan: Well, you know, I thought it might come in handy some day. And I was curious.
Roy: I fail to see how being a woman would help either one of us defeat these assassins.
Elan: Not defeat--evade! You put on the belt and turn into a girl. Then when the assassins find us, we tell them the king slipped out a secret door or something. Then we find V or Durkon and get them to change you back.
Roy: No. No way. Those things are dangerous. What if it's permanent? There is no way I'm saying goodbye to the Trouser Titan just so I can fool some lame-ass assassins?
Elan: ...You call it the "Trouser Titan"?
Roy: NOT THE POINT! Look, we find another way. Maybe I can turn that mop into an improvised quarterstaff or--
<sfx> crrsh! crrsh! crrsh!
Elan: AAAHH! Oooo...I don't...I don't feel so good.
Roy: Crap, I think those shuriken were poisoned. Yeah, look: Constitution poison. Which means if I don't get you to Durkon soon, you'll be dead. I don't have time to try and fight my way out of here. Sigh. Well, I guess I should take pride in having found a new and exciting way in which I can disappoint my father.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 235 to 260
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 235

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Oddly, He Can Still Get Dressed in Under a Minute
Roy, Elan, Redaxe, Shadowdancer

Roy: The lesson here is, if the magic item doesn't specifically SAY it grows hair, it probably doesn't. Maybe if I use this mop head as a wig...and borrow Elan's cloak...Well, I won't be winning the Miss Adventurer pageant but I think it'll get the job done. C'mon, Elan, up you go.
Elan: Roy? Is that you? Your skin is so soft...
Roy: Don't hurt us! We're unarmed!
Shadowdancer: Who are you?
Roy: One of the king's companions. He slipped out a secret door in that closet, but he locked it behind him, leaving us stranded.
Shadowdancer: We apologize, miss. We seek only the King of Nowhere himself. You and your drunken friend are free to go. Come, let us search the closet.
Roy: <thinking> It's working! I can't believe it, Elan's plan is actually working! OK, first, get help for Elan. Second, regroup with the rest of the party. Third--
Redaxe: STOP!
Roy: <thinking> Oh crap. Oh crap. He saw through the disguise. Oh crap.
Redaxe: <whispering> I'll be in Room 608 later tonight, Sweetcheeks. Bring one o' yer girlfriends, I'll make it worth yer while.
(R): I'll be in Room 608 later tonight, Sweetcheeks. Bring one of your girlfriends, I'll make it worth your while.
<sfx> pinch!
Roy: <thinking> OK, change of plans. First, get help for Elan. Second, find a bath and try to scrub skeezy feeling away.

Spoiler: Strip 236

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Mean Girl
Roy, Haley, Elan, Durkon

Durkon: Wha happened?
(D): What happened?
Haley: We heard the explosion and came running!
Roy: Assassins attacked us, Elan's been badly poisoned. Durkon, help him.
Durkon: Aye, the poison's almost ta tha killin' o' him.
(D): Yes, the poison's almost to the killing of him.
Haley: Elan, hang in there!
Durkon: Neutralize Poison!
Haley: Thank goodness he'll recover. I'm just glad you--You know, I think those grapes I was eating must have fermented, because I'd swear that you're dressed as a--GAHH! ...Wow, Roy...I knew you were letting yourself be emasculated by Miko, but I had no idea it had gone this far.
Roy: Cute.
Haley: So let me guess: You're actually Roy's evil twin sister, raised by your evil warlord father?
Roy: Another brilliant piece of comedy.
Haley: No, wait, I know--someone told you Miko is into chicks, and this seemed the logical step.
Roy: Are you done yet?
Haley: I'm just getting warmed up, sister.
Elan: Roy has boobies!
Haley: Did losing your greatsword literally make you less of a man? Or did the explosion actually blow away your Y-chromosome? Or were you bitten by a woman, and now you turn into one when the moon is full?
Roy: You know, technically, it's now OK for me to hit a girl. I'm just saying.

Spoiler: Strip 237

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Growing Some
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Haley: So wait, you put the magic belt on willingly??
Roy: Look, I had to get Elan out of there and back to safety ASP.
Durkon: Aye, so ye were in a hurry ta get "out o' tha closet," then?
(D): Ah, so you were in a hurry to get "out of the closet," then?
Roy: Shut up.
Vaarsuvius: What is transpiring here? My acute elven hearing could hear you running all the way from my room.
Roy: Oh great, now I suppose you'll get in on the jokes, too.
Vaarsuvius: Jokes on what topic?
Roy: Isn't it obvious?
Vaarsuvius: The fact that you have a cleaning mop atop your cranium? While odd, I do not find the situation inherently humorous.
Roy: ...Huh. Well, anyway, we've got an unstable situation here. The assassins that attacked us are heavily armed and the inn is full of innocent people. While they seemed unwilling to deliberately hurt bystanders, now that they've failed to find their target, they'll be desperate to escape. Durkon, now that Elan is healed, take him and find Miko. Tell here there are two killers on the loose in the inn and you need her help in evacuating the civilians. Try to get everyone out safely.
Durkon: Dinnae ye want her help fightin' the baddies?
(D): Don't you want her help fighting the bad guys?
Roy: That's exactly what I don't want. I have a plan, after all, and plans and Miko don't mix well.
Haley: Wow, who knew that in order to grow some balls, he'd have to--well, you know.
Vaarsuvius: Know what?
Roy: And Durkon, let me borrow your hammer and shield. I'll need them.
Durkon: Just have care, they be heirlooms.
(D): Just be careful, they're heirlooms.
Roy: Good luck. And Elan--grab our animals and equipment on your way out!
Elan: OK.
Vaarsuvius: And where might the three of us be heading?
Roy: To the room of a dwarven assassin who happens to like taller women.
Haley: Wait, so you've been a woman for all of five minutes and you already got some guy's room number? Slut.
Roy: Haley, I swear, shut the hell up with the cracks for just one minute.
Haley: Wow, watch out, V, it must be Roy's time of the month already.
Roy: ONE! MINUTE!

Spoiler: Strip 238

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You Try Rhyming 'Assassin'
Elan, Durkon, Miko, Pudding Fan Patron

Miko: What I don't understand is why a pair of professional killers would ever be after Greenhilt.
Durkon: Uh...tha's not really important right now. We have ta get all these innocent inn patrons out.
(D): Uh...that's not really important right now. We have to get all these innocent inn patrons out.
Miko: I suppose you are correct, Durkon. However, should we inform them of the assassins, they will panic and hurt one another in a rush to flee the inn. What we need is a means to compel them to exit in a calm and orderly fashion.
Elan: I know! I'll sing a charming bard song to enchant them into following me!
Durkon: Elan, are ye really sure tha this--
(D): Elan, are you really sure that this--
Elan: Attention, drunken citizens! Harken, and listen to my song!
Elan: <singing> Won't you come leave the inn with me? There's really neat things you should see out there on the emerald fields untilled. It has nothing to do with you getting killed. You should follow me out onto the grass 'n it's not so you can avoid the assassins that sure aren't running loose in the place and might stab you seven times in the face. There's no reason at all for us to herd you out of here fast, I give you my word. Let's all just leave this inn that's wooden. If you do, we'll...uh, give you free pudding! Now each one of you is safe and sound outside the inn and on the ground where we know you won't be bugged by two mean guys who just need to be hugged!
Elan: Well, there you go! You're all safely out of the--inn?
Pudding Fan Patron: So...I believe there was a promise of pudding?
Durkon: Pied Piper's got no reason ta worry aboot his job security.
(D): Pied Piper's got no reason to worry about his job security.
Miko: Indeed.

Spoiler: Strip 239

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Roy's Angels
Roy, Redaxe, Shadowdancer

Shadowdancer: Hurry up! Get your gear and let's get out of here, now!
Redaxe: All right, all right.
<barrel text> T.N.T.
Shadowdancer: I can't believe the king escaped. There was no trace of that secret door! We figured we'd have days before word of the king's death reached Nowhere. If he manages to alert his court, we could have a half dozen high-level wizards on our ass by dawn! Come on! Let's go, go, GO! I'll climb out the window, grab our mounts and meet you outside.
Redaxe: I cannae go any faster, lad, these explosives be delicate. If'n yer in such a blasted hurry, why can't ye help me carry tha damn stuff?
(R): I can't go any faster, lad, these explosives are delicate. If you're in such a blasted hurry, why can't you help me carry the damn stuff?
<sfx> knock! knock! knock!
Redaxe: Hmm? Wonder who tha be.
(R): Hmm? Wonder who that is.
Roy: Umm, hi, I was, uh, coming to see you?
Redaxe: Aww, sugar, I'm gonna haf ta cancel. We're kinda in a hurry ta leave here now.
(R): Aww, sugar, I'm going to have to cancel. We're kind of in a hurry to leave here now.
Roy: I brought two friends.
Redaxe: Well, maybe...
Shadowdancer: Have you taken leave of your senses??
Redaxe: Relax, it's just a buncha hookers.
(R): Relax, it's just a bunch of hookers.
Shadowdancer: Oh, not this again. This is just like when we were there to kill the high priest, and you spent the whole mission with the Vestal Virgins.
Redaxe: Heh, they needed a new name fer 'em afterwards.
(R): Heh, they needed a new name for them afterwards.
Shadowdancer: Whatever, I can't deal with this right now.
Redaxe: Hey, it's not my fault I'm so devilishly charming.
Shadowdancer: If you're not downstairs by the time I've got the horses, I'm leaving without you. And I mean it this time.
Redaxe: C'mon in, girls, though we're gonna have ta make this quick. Time ta get me some booty!
(R): Come on in, girls, though we're going to have to make this quick. Time to get me some booty!
<sfx> WHAM!
Redaxe: Did I say, "get me some booty"? I meant ta say, "respect yer thoughts an' opinions as fellow humanoids".
(R): Did I say, "get me some booty"? I meant to say, "respect your thoughts and opinions as fellow humanoids".

Spoiler: Strip 240

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Next on Fox: When Whores Attack!
Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Redaxe, Shadowdancer

Redaxe: Ahh! Help! Whore attack!
Haley: so help me, if you keep calling us whores, I'm gonna Sneak Attack you where the sun don't shine.
<sfx> BOOM!
Shadowdancer: Did you just say, "Whore Attack"??
Haley: I mean it!
<sfx> sunder!
<barrel text> T.N.T.
Redaxe: Don't just stand thar, throw yer li'l stars at someone!
(R): Don't just stand there throw your little stars at someone!
Shadowdancer: Done!
Vaarsuvius: Protection from Arrows. (Which, incidentally, functions equally well against shuriken.)
<sfx> bink! bink! bink!
Shadowdancer: Screw this! I'm not getting rubbed out by magic-wielding hookers!
Redaxe: Must be some obscure prestige class...
<sfx> woosh!
Shadowdancer: Geez, this barrel weighs a ton!
Redaxe: Just hang on, an' I'll get us out of this.
(R): Just hang on, and I'll get us out of this.
<barrel text> T.N.T.
Roy: V, do you have Feather Fall prepared?
Vaarsuvius: Of course, Sir Greenhilt.
Roy: Good.
Shadowdancer: That will be nice and symmetrical, seeing as how you got us INTO this.
Vaarsuvius: Feather Fall.
Haley: WHOOOO! You go, girl!
Roy: Shut! Up!

Spoiler: Strip 241

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Talking Down
Roy, Redaxe

Redaxe: Stay back, missy! Drop those fine dwarven weapons an' surrender. Me buddy an' I are gettin' away, an' if'n ye take one more step towards us, I be blowin' this whole inn sky-high!
(R): Stay back, missy! Drop those fine dwarven weapons and surrender. My buddy and I are getting away, and if you take one more step towards us, I'll blow this whole inn sky-high!
<barrel text> T.N.T.
Roy: ...You're bluffing.
Redaxe: What? I am not! I mean it, I'll kill everyone!
Roy: No, you won't. Call it woman's intuition. If you were willing to have that much innocent blood on your hands, you would have just used your explosives to blow up my--uh, the king's room in the first place. But you didn't. Not only did you put yourself and your partner in greater danger by attacking personally, but you let the kid and I go because we weren't your intended target. So no, I don't think you're about to destroy the inn and kill all those people. Go ahead and blow up the inn, I'm not stopping you. But I don't think that's the kind of man you are.
Redaxe: Stay back, woman!
Roy: No.
Redaxe: Aye, ye got me dead ta rights, lass. I were bluffin'. Thar's no way I would ever hurt all those--
(R): Yeah, you got me dead to rights, miss. I was bluffing. There's no way I would ever hurt all those--
<sfx> WHUMP!

Spoiler: Strip 242

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Strip 242: Chekov's Law Realized
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Redaxe, Shadowdancer

Roy: Get down! Get DOWN!
Belkar: Whuh?
<cutaway>
Redaxe: It's gonna blow!!
Shadowdancer: I'm pretty sure this ALREADY blows!
<barrel text> T.N.T.
<cutacross>
Elan: Wow, this plan worked a LOT better! I'm pretty sure that's the last person out.
<sign text> FREE PUDDING!
Miko: I will go back in and check.
<cutacross>
Haley: Huh. Well THAT can't be good.
<cutacross>
<sfx> BOOM!
<cutback>
Belkar: Well hello there, honey. Can't wait to get your hands on the Belkster, can you?
Roy: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Belkar: A lot of chicks have that reaction at first, babe.
<cutaway>
Shadowdancer: Hey! Check it out, a shadow! Shadow Jump!
Redaxe: AAH!
<cutacross>
Haley: Geez! We were a lot safer when we just made fairly obvious jokes about the rules!
Vaarsuvius: I blame Cerebus.
<cutback>

Spoiler: Strip 243

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Strip 243: No Flair for the Dramatic
Haley, Vaarsuvius, Miko

Haley: C'mon, V, hurry!
Vaarsuvius: Patience! I did not prepare Expeditious Retreat this morning.
Haley: Oh. Hello, Miko. What brings you here?
Miko: Rescuing the helpless. You?
Haley: Uh...the same.
Miko: Do you require assistance leaving the burning building?
Haley: Uh, no, no, we're fine. Do you?
Miko: No.
Haley: OK, then. Well, it was nice getting a chance to talk like this. Gotta run.
Miko: Of course.
Haley: Witch.
Miko: Criminal.
Haley: OK, the safe room is right through here. Now, my Bags of Holding are still full with the treasure from Xykon's dungeon, so we're going to have to carry only what we can. Just gotta...pick the lock...My gods! They're so beautiful! How could I ever pick one bag over another?? It's like "Sophie's Choice" all over again! I can't do it! I can't pick just one! I'd rather die than condemn the rest of my treasure to a fiery grave! Go on without me, Vaarsuvius! Tell the others of my cruel fate! I'll stay here and die with my loved ones!
Vaarsuvius: Stop being so blasted melodramatic. It's nonmagical fire, it inflicts a mere 1d6 points of damage. We'll make three trips.
Haley: Well, excuse me, it's a little something I like to call "roleplaying".

Spoiler: Strip 244

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Strip 244: What? It's a Legitimate Magic Item
Roy, Elan, Belkar, Durkon

Roy: Come on, we have to leave.
Belkar: Hey, lead on, woman of my dreams. I'd follow a rack like yours anywhere.
Roy: You're disgusting.
Belkar: No, I'm Belkar, baby. Yeah, THAT Belkar. I know you've heard of me, sugar.
Roy: Can you lay off the cheesy lines, please?
Belkar: I can lay off anything you want me to if you agree to have sex with me.
Roy: Ugh!
Belkar: Was that a "yes"? Hey guys, check out this hot piece of ass I met outside the hotel. Isn't she a babe?
Durkon: I get ta tell im'!
(D): I get to tell him!
Elan: Ooo, me! Let me!!
Belkar: Tell me what?
Roy: Nobody tells anyone anything!! I mean it! Not a word!
Elan: Awww, man!
Roy: Now just stand here in silence while I go find Haley and Vaarsuvius.
Belkar: Mmm, baby, I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go. Can I get some fries with that shake?
Durkon: ...I can't hold it in. Belkar, tha "hot piece o' ass" ye found thar is really--
(D): ...I can't hold it in. Belkar, that "hot piece of ass" you found there is really--
Belkar: --is really Roy. Yeah, I know. I can tell by the scent.
Durkon: Ye..ye already know? Then why...
(D): You..you already know? Then why...
Belkar: Because it's fun to make him that uncomfortable, and I'm secure enough in my manhood to go that far to embarrass him. Now, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go milk this a bit before he manages to score a Remove Curse spell.
Elan: That is so wrong...
Durkon: Just be happy 'e don't be usin' this much energy messing wit' either o' us.
(D): Just be happy he isn't using this much energy messing with either of us.
Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!

Spoiler: Strip 245

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Strip 245: Easy Come, Easy Go
Roy, Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Bottlecap Guy

Haley: OK, so we drop these off with Elan and then run back for more.
Roy: Thank the gods! You guys are safe. I was worried when I didn't see you outside.
Haley: We had to rescue the treasure. We just walked through the fire with two big heaping bags of--bottlecaps??
Bottlecap Guy: Did you say, "bottlecaps"? I can't believe it! You saved my rare bottlecap collection! And my sister said I was being silly for storing it in the inn's vault! Bless you, you brave souls! Bless you!
Haley: Vaarsuvius!
Vaarsuvius: I have a Strength penalty, so I carried the lightest sack. It is not my fault that you did not specify that not all of the bags were ours.
Haley: C'mon! We have to get back to save the rest of the gold!
Roy: Haley, I don't think that's a good idea.
Haley: Why not??
Roy: Because the dwarf had TWO barrels of explosives in his room.
<sfx> BOOM!
Roy: Are you OK?
<sfx> tink! tink!
Elan: <whispering> I think we broke Haley.

Spoiler: Strip 246

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Strip 246: Rumors of Her Death
Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Miko

Roy: Wait. Has anyone seen Miko?
Vaarsuvius: Miss Starshine and I encountered her inside the structure shortly before it exploded.
Roy: So then she's...
vaarsuvius: Almost certainly. I wish I could properly express my deep sorrow over her passing, but I would first have to FEEL actual sorrow, rather than, for example, mild amusement. As the shrew has perished, we are no longer bound by the anchor that has hung around our necks these last weeks. Let her death ring in a new era of freedom for the "Order of the Stick"! She is, naturally, directly behind me.
Miko: Naturally.
Vaarsuvius: I should have expected as much. The Laws of Comedic Physics clearly state that whenever you express a negative opinion about someone, that person will invariably manage to sneak up behind you. Even if they wear armor and you have keen elven senses, apparently.
Miko: Why are you a woman?
Roy: Well, I thought long and hard on how I could make your life personally more difficult, and this is the result. Too much?
Miko: Never mind. Greenhilt, see that well-dressed man over there? He is the King of Somewhere.
Elan: The king of where?
Roy: Don't start, trust me.
Miko: In gratitude for being rescued, he has agreed to pay our bill from the hotel, which apparently was quite steep even before the inn was destroyed.
Roy: How very strange.
Miko: What I can't figure out is why two trained assassins would want to kill someone like YOU, Greenhilt.
Roy: Well, I suppose that will stand as one of the great mysteries of our time.

Spoiler: Strip 247

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Strip 247: It's Just Aphasia She's Going Through
Haley, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Belkar

Durkon: So, uh...we're just aboot ready ta leave, guys. V an' I just prepared our spells.
(D): So, uh...we're just about ready to leave, guys. V an' I just prepared our spells.
Elan: Yeah, OK. Durkon, I'm worried about Haley. She hasn't budged in hours, and if nothing else, I would think she'd have had to go potty by now. Can you check her out?
Durkon: Well, she not be paralyzed or held or nuthin'. She seems ta be in perfect health, except for some fire damage.
(D): Well, she isn't paralyzed or held or anything. She seems to be in perfect health, except for some fire damage.
Haley: Mnbrvcnp!
(H): Treasure!
Durkon: Gah!
Haley: Wiup! Rdd is fm, wiup!! F tru'm epdfpjp fm'v rdd wiup!
(H): Gone! All of it gone!! I can't believe it's all gone!
Elan: Haley, I know you have more Bonus Languages than I do, but now's not the time to show them off.
Haley: F wim prmpu eh r ynrwiu sin mqrm snprzfu' mnbrvcnp! F wim jiafmpy ck! Eh r yfvwcvmfuw rtfy-enprmqfuw ynrwiu! Ruy uix fm'v WIUP!
(H): I got eaten by a dragon for that freakin’ treasure! I got vomited up! By a disgusting acid-breathing dragon! And now it’s GONE!
Durkon: Elan, hold on a moment. Comprehend Languages! Och, lad, she not be speakin' any language. I cannae understand a word, even wit' tha magic o' Thor. I think she be havin' some kind o' breakdown aboot tha loot.
(D): Elan, hold on a moment. Comprehend Languages! Oh, lad, she isn't speaking any language. I can't understand a word, even with the magic of Thor. I think she's having some kind of breakdown about the loot.
Haley: Uim MQP diim, AH diim. Afup!
(H): Not THE loot, MY loot. Mine!
Elan: I don't understand. Is she gonna be OK?
Durkon: Well, lad, the brain be a funny thing. Sometimes, it just stops workin' right when ye've been through a bad scene.
(D): Well, lad, the brain's a funny thing. Sometimes, it just stops working right when you've been through a bad scene.
Haley: Xrfm, xqh yi F vicuy scuuh? Qpddi? Qpddi?
(H): Wait, why do I sound funny? Hello? Hello?
Belkar: Wait, wait, so she can't speak at all? Even if she wants to? Hey Haley, if you don't want me to tell Elan how you really feel, just say so.
Haley: Xqrm? Ui! Yiu'm hic yrnp!
(H): What? No! Don't you dare!
Belkar: Well, OK, since you didn't say anything...Elan, Haley is actually in--
Haley: Vuprz rmmrtz eiim mi mqp srtp!
(H): Sneak attack boot to the face!
Belkar: Ooof! Objection noted.
Durkon: It's just like me granpappy always said: A kick be worth a thousand words.
(D): It's just like my grandpa always said: A kick is worth a thousand words.
Haley: Yrnu vmnrfwqm.
(H): Darn straight.
Elan: I'm so confused.

Spoiler: Strip 248

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Strip 248: Blame the Hormones
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Vaarsuvius: Yes, I'm afraid I must concur with Master Thundershield's diagnosis. There is no mystical genesis for the condition, so my arcane power, mighty though it may be, cannot remove it.
Durkon: Och, I was afraid o' dat when Thor's magic could na heal her.
(D): Oh, I was afraid of that when Thor's magic couldn't heal her.
Roy: Hey gang, what's going on? No wait, let me guess, Haley's selling her tooth fillings to V for a quick profit, right?
Durkon: Actually, it be bad news fer tha lass.
(D): Actually, it's bad news for the lass.
Belkar: And good news for fans of cryptograms.
Vaarsuvius: Miss Starshine appears to have been rendered incapable of properly articulating herself verbally.
Roy: What??
Haley: Ry dgose du ecggqv rt oii wkssu-emksnrsb.
(H): It means my speech is all funny-sounding.
Vaarsuvius: Yes, as you can hear, she can enunciate only gibberish.
Roy: My gods! Haley! I am so sorry! This is all my fault?
Haley: Qmdg obors?
(H): Come again?
Roy: I kept telling her to shut up, because she was making fun of me. And now she can't speak! She's clearly suffering from some sort of curse that I brought upon her! Forgive me, Haley! Forgive me! I should never have said that to you!
Haley: Qos emdghmnu cigoeg bgy zggcu ytoseegfkoi mww dg?
(H): Can somebody please get weepy transsexual off me?
Vaarsuvius: Actually, we believe that she is suffering from hysterical aphasia as a result of the mental trauma associated with the destruction of the treasure.
Roy: Oh. Never mind, then.
Vaarsuvius: Although, I suppose there would never have been an explosion in the first place if you had refrained from pretending to be--
Roy: I think I said NEVER. MIND. THEN.
Belkar: Could you hug Haley again for a moment? I need to capture the mental image for later.

Spoiler: Strip 249

Show

Strip 249: Return of the Trouser Titan
Roy, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Durkon

Elan: C'mon, Haley, let's get you some breakfast. You'll feel better.
Haley: Rthfq pid'cq ckmaz...
(H): Maybe you're right...
Belkar: Sure you don't want to join us, baby?
Roy: Uh, yeah, Maybe I'll catch up later. OK, Durkon, maybe you can't help with Haley's problem, but you prepared new spells, so you can get this damn belt off of me, ASAP.
Durkon: Roy, before I cast tha spell, are ye absolutely sure ye want ta go back ta being a man?
(D): Roy, before I cast the spell, are you absolutely sure you want to go back to being a man?
Roy: What? What kind of a dumb question is that?? Look, I'll admit it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I wasn't any weaker or anything. I did have trouble keeping my emotions under control, but I think that was because I'm not used to the hormones. But come on. I was born a man, there's no reason I would want to stay a woman. Now hurry up and remove the belt before Belkar starts humping my leg.
Durkon: As ye wish. Remove Curse!
(D): As you wish. Remove Curse!
Roy: Yes! Back in one piece! I can write my name in the snow again!
Durkon: Thar's no snow ere, lad.
(D): There's no snow here, lad.
Roy: It's a figure of speech
Belkar: Oh hey, Roy. I was wondering where you had gotten off to by yourself.
Roy: Um, right. Because you have not seen me since we checked in.
Belkar: Did you by any chance see that smokin' hot human babe with the dark skin? She was just here a minute ago.
Roy: Uh, no. I must have missed her.
Belkar: Too bad. I was really looking forward to getting her alone and sliding that heavy armor off of her--
Roy: Well she's not here, so you don't need to finish that description. Ever.
Belkar: That's OK. I can always keep the memory of her for when I'm......alone.
Roy: Excuse me, I need to soak my brain in acid now.
Belkar: I took Craft Disturbing Mental Image as my feat last level.
Roy: Maybe my ears, too.

Spoiler: Strip 250

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Strip 250: Oh no, he DIDN'T!
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Miko.

Miko: Disgraceful. Absolutely disgraceful.
<sign text> WEARY TRAVELERS INN and TAVERN
Miko: You realize you brought all of this upon yourselves, and the innocent proprietor of this inn ended up paying the price.
Elan: Really? 'Cause I kinda remember assassins being involved.
Miko: Your unmitigated greed led directly to the destruction of your tainted gold. If you had all been willing to sleep in the muddy ditch as I suggested, you would still have your precious dragon treasure. And you, the gods have brought down upon you a curse to punish you for your wickedness, taking away your very speech.
Haley: Xdfw.
(H): @#$%
Miko: Hopefully, you have all learned your lesson: that giving in to vice and luxury can only lead to destruction. If not, I believe you will find yourself punished again and again for your selfish behavior. It looks as if I will need to keep a closer eye on ALL of you in the future to keep you from straying from the right path.
Belkar: Yeah? Keep an eye on THIS, you--
Roy: Belkar, please, let me handle this. Thank you, Miko, for that helpful if completely unsolicited advice on how we can be better people. I'm sure we all appreciate it. You know, I learned something, too. It was inappropriate for me to address you as "Honey" or "Sugar" or "sweetie" when we first met. Having recently found myself on the other end of that, I now know how that must have made you feel: like a sex object rather than a fellow warrior. Yes, I was physically attracted to you, but that didn't give me the right to make you uncomfortable with my crude attempts at passes. So for that, I apologize.
Miko: Thank you, Roy.
Belkar: Ugh. What a brown-noser.
Miko: I must say that I appreciate the forthrightness of your apology. You seem far more respectful of me since your time spent as a woman. Perhaps in the future, if you approached the prospect of a romantic relationship from this more mature perspective, I would not be so dismissive of the possibility.
Roy: Oh. Oh, no. I wouldn't touch your skinny uptight ass with a standard-issue 10-ft. pole, you overbearing self-righteous bitch.

Spoiler: Strip 251

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A Piece of His Mind
Miko, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Durkon, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Miko: What- What did you say to me?
Roy: Oh, you rolled high enough on your Listen check to have heard me the first time, Miko.
Belkar: Do you think I have time to get popcorn??
Roy: I can’t believe I was ever attracted to you. Thank the gods for Elan and his stupid belt, or I’d still be thinking with my Trouser Titan.
Haley: Oze ktpp ja asf-
(H): You call it the-
Roy: Not the point! You’re not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a “concern for the dignity of sentient beings”? You’re just a mean, social inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap.
Haley: Afw xzpd dtod dsf kyjfd!
(H): Ten gold says she cries!
Miko: You have no right to speak to me this way! I am a samurai!
Roy: I have every right! I’m not a part of your little feudal deal there, I’m a free man. We’re free to choose our own alignment, and we don’t have to answer to you just because you’ll lose class features if we don’t. What kind of stupid class relies on other people’s behavior to keep its powers, anyway?? I gave you every chance to do this peacefully. I even defended you to my friends here, for which you gave me nothing but grief. I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say ‘We’re done.” We’re done following you to your mystery master.
Durkon: But Thor’s will…
Roy: So that’s it, Miko Miyazaki. End of the line. If you want to bring us before your liege, you’re going to have to drag us there in chains.
Haley: Ofts!
(H): Yeah!
Elan: You tell her, Roy!
Vaarsuvius: Indeed!
Belkar: I’d like to see her try!
<flashforward>
Roy: Stupid railroad plot.

Spoiler: Strip 252

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Linear Storytelling
Nale, Sabine, Thog

Nale: This is great. No, really, fantastic! We have been searching up and down one of the biggest cities in the world for WEEKS, and we still haven’t found a replacement wizard for the Linear Guild.
Sabine: Are you sure we need one? The new members we already recruited are pretty strong…
Nale: Sabine, honey, I’ve already invested a lot of time and energy into this “Evil Opposites” theme. I’m not about to rock the boat now. We need a wizard or a sorcerer or something to square off against the elf chick that follows my idiot brother Elan.
Sabine: Well, I still say we should try that magic school up on the hill. They must have hundreds of apprentices. I bet some of them are really evil.
Nale: Helloooo? “Evil Opposites” theme? I’m not seeing it! This goatee isn’t just for show, you know!
Sabine: Well… The elf dude is old and highly skilled at magic… and an apprentice would be young and barely competent! So they’re opposites!
Nale: Fascinating, Sabine. So now we’re skillfully combatting their prowess with our ineptitude. Explain to me how that could possibly be a good idea. Without using the phrase, “false sense of security.”
Sabine: Basically because we’re desperate. We need to get this show on the road, fast.
Roy: Oh really? Please explain why we’re suddenly in such a hurry.
Sabine: Four words: Out of fudge ripple.
Thog: oh, little ice cream friends! thog delays boredom-driven rampage only for you!
Nale: So… a wizard school, you say? Lead on, woman!
Sabine: Every day I pray to my dark fiendish overlords that he doesn’t learn we’re out of sprinkles.

Spoiler: Strip 253

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Larry Gardener and the Angry Half-Orc
Headmaster, Nale, Larry, Thog

Headmaster: Yes sir, I think you’ll definitely find someone to fill your vacant position here at the Warthog’s School of Wizardry and Socerery.
Nale: You have a program for sorcerers? Strange.
Headmaster: It’s an Associate’s Degree.
Nale: Ah.
Headmaster: Let me introduce you to our star pupil, Larry Gardener.
Larry: Hullo, guvner!
Nale: OK, Larry, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself.
Larry: Well, let’s see… I’m a precocious youth who manages to regularly trounces wizards with far more skill, experience, and emotional maturity than myself.
Nale: That sounds promising…
Larry: I have only a token respect for the rules, which is OK because all of my so-called authority figures regularly bend, break, or simply forget about the laws in order to accommodate my latest adventure.
Nale: Uh, OK…
Larry: Which is good, because whatever odd occurrence or random event is happening in my area, it always directly relates to me and my past. Always.
Nale: Yeah, I think we’re going to have to pass, Larry. Thanks for coming down.
Larry: What? But I’m the best! Everything always goes my way!
Nale: It’s just not that simple. You see, kid, when it comes to being tagonists, we’re more “an” while you’re pretty clearly “pro”. We’re just not that interested.
Larry: Then you’re villains? Practitioners of the Dark Arts? I will stop you with my badly-mangled Latin and questionable logic!
Nale: We don’t have time for this. Thog?
Larry: Stoppus Badguyus!
Thog: little man talk funny.
Nale: Sorry about the mess.
Headmaster: Don’t be, I’ve been wanting to do that for six books. Years, I mean six years.

Spoiler: Strip 254

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Half the Elf, Double the Fun
Nale, Headmaster, Thog, Pompey, Sabine

Nale: My patience is wearing thin. That’s 40 candidates you’ve shown me, and they’ve all sucked.
Headmaster: I think you’ll really like this next one. We call him… The One Who Must Not Be Named.
Nale: Another one? Good gods, man, that’s eleven so far who Must Not Be Named. Not to mention the four who Must Not Be Looked At, the two who Must Not Be Spoken To, and the one who Must Not Be Toilet-Trained.
Thog: thog got to use a mop!
Nale: If you bring me one more brat who’s too trendy to have a name, I’ll feed you your own tusks. And that’s includes any more, ”Wizard Formerly Known As” losers, too.
Headmaster: Of course. This is one of my best students, his name is Pompey.
Nale: Well, it’s a dumb name, but at least it’s a name. Give me the hard sell, kid.
Pompey: I’m a wizard specialist in Conjuration. I chose as my barred schools Evocation and Enchantment.
Nale: Good, I’m sure the elf uses both of those.
Pompey: Did you say “elf”? I hate elves! Stupid oppressive kinsmen, they should all die painfully!
Nale: Ugh, “kinsmen”? Please tell me you’re not some new evil elf subrace…
Pompey: No, no, not an evil elf… I’m an evil half-elf!
Nale: Interesting. Guild huddle, guys. <whispers> I don’t know. It’s kind of weak, but I guess it qualifies as an Evil Opposite.
Sabine: <whispers> The color scheme is certainly appropriate.
Thog: <whispers> huddles are fun.
Nale: OK, kid, you’re in. Welcome to the Linear Guild. I’m your boss, Nale. This green idiot is Thog, and the chick is Sabine.
Sabine: Hi.
Pompey: Well, hello, there, gorgeous. I think I might be just the man for you.
Nale: Hey! A well-established gender identity! He is an Evil Opposite! Now get away from my woman, Ear Boy.

Spoiler: Strip 255

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Meep meep!
Pompey, Sabine, Thog, Nale

Pompey: Basically, it’s just like being human, only instead of getting to choose a feat, we all get the same crappy skill and save bonuses. Oh, and instead of getting a ton of extra skill points, we get… low-light vision.
Sabine: No wonder you’ve turned to a life of crime.
Thog: thog feel little man’s pain. thog’s racial abilities also below par.
Nale: OK, Pompey, the rest of the new recruits are waiting at the inn. We’ll head over there and get started.
Pompey: If you don’t mind me asking, sir, on what sort of evil mission will we be embarking?
Nale: As fate would have it, my almost-identical twin brother is a member of a team of goody-two-shoes adventurers that got lucky and defeated us. We’re going to hunt them down and kill them, painfully.
Pompey: Well, I sure love killing, and painful killing is one of my five most favorite kinds of killing.
Sabine: Ha! Yeah, you’re going to fit in just fine, kid.
Pompey: So - how do you plan to defeat them?
Nale: Suffice to say that I have devised a plan that truly showcases my masterful tactical abilities…
<blueprint>
<blueprint text>HOW TO KILL MY BROTHER. Me. catapult. High-tension release string. Sabine. scissors (not silver or cold iron). anvil (standard). Thog. sugar (to be consumed by Thog). rocket skates. Likelihood of Thog getting hit with anvil: 84%. acceptable. Likelihood of Nale getting hit with anvil: 3%. needs work. TO DO LIST: write to Acme. Waterproof cloak. Raise Tumble ranl. Find new fighter afterwards. naïve idiot. bait. Prepared by: Nale, Super-Genius
<sign text> Free iron rations.
Illustrated Elan: Ooo! Food!
<end blueprint>

Spoiler: Strip 256

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Six Degrees of Evil Separation
Nale, Wizard Girl, Julia, Sabine, Thog, Pompey

Nale: You'll love the new members, one is a-
Wizard Girl: HEY GREENHILT, WAIT UP!
Nale: Greenhilt?? My brother and his stooges are here? We’re not ready! We didn’t even find an anvil! OK, Sabine, shift to fiend form! Thog, ready your axe! Pompey, cast-
Wizard Girl: Greenhilt, I said wait up!
Julia: Well hurry it up, I’m late for Necromancy 101. Gods, did you see the outfit Sandra was wearing today?
Wizard Girl: I know! I, like, would never be caught dead in a stars-and-planets wizard robe.
Nale: That, um… That is not Roy Greenhilt.
Sabine: Maybe it IS him, and he’s just wearing one of those magic belts that change gender.
Nale: Don’t be dense, honey, that would be pointless and self-indulgent.
Sabine: I guess you’re right.
Thog: thog liked it.
Pompey: Wait, so the guys you are out to beat include the brother of Julia Greenhilt, the most popular girl in school? Weird, it’s like evil serendipity.
Nale” Pompey, I think you’re on to something. Fate has dropped the winning move right into our laps, my newest lackey. Forget the old plan – we’re going to set a trap for the Order of the Stick, and we’ll use Roy’s sister as the perfect bait! Sigh. Yes, the new plan will STILL involve rocker skates.
Thog: YAY!

Spoiler: Strip 257

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POW!
Wizard Girl, Wizard Girl 2, Julia, Thog, Nale, Pompey, Sabine

Wizard Girl, Wizard Girl 2 & Julia: Blah blah blah blah blah blah like blah blah blah clothes blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah… Blah blah blah blah boys blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah wands blah blah blah blah… Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bitch blah blah blah seriously blah blah blah-
<sfx> POW!
Julia: What the hell?? Get your hands off of me, you ugly creep, or I’ll make sure you regret it!
Thog: thog not scared. nale gave thog booster shot against cooties.
Nale: Hello, Miss Greenhilt. My name is Nale, and I’d like to welcome-
Julia: Hey! You with the ear. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Pompey: I did ask you out to dinner once. Per week. For three semesters.
Julia: So no chance of you narrowing it down for me, then?
Nale: Wait, wait. Pompey, did you have some pre-existing reason for aiding us in kidnapping this girl here that you didn’t tell us about?
Pompey: Uh… yes sir, Mr. Nale. I’m sorry, I should-
Nale: Perfect! The Linear Guild is practically synonymous with taking disproportionate revenge over quasi-imagined slights!
Sabine: It even says so on our business cards!
Julia: I can feel my Coolness Factor dropping just by being in the same room as these dorks.

Spoiler: Strip 258

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I Think That Violates the Geneva Convention
Julia, Nale, Pompey, Sabine

Julia: What the hell is going on? What am I do here anyway??
Nale: Why, you’re the centerpiece of a daring plan to lure your inspecting brother Roy into a trap, child.
Julia: Uh, “child”? You’re, like, three years older than me, Blondie.
Nale: Five, actually, not that it matters in the least.
Pompey: Wait, you’re only 21? Geez, I’m 43, why the heck am I letting you call me “kid”?
Nale: It’s not the years, kid, it’s the mileage. Now as I was saying, my plan-
Julia: Hey, you know, you’d be kind a cute if you shaved off that stupid beard.
Nale: … I’m going to gag you now. Well I was going to monologue my entire villainous plot to you, but now I guess the readers will have to wait to hear the details. Sabine, find us a lair, somewhere we can hole up for 2 or 3 weeks. Someplace where no one will notice a teenage schoolgirl bound and gagged.
Sabine: I’ll start near the hentai bookstore and work my way out.
Nale: Pompey, hit every magic store in the city. Buy up every scroll you can find with an arcane spell named “Sending”.
Pompey: Got it.
Sabine: “Sending”? What does that do?
Pompey: It allows the spellcaster to telepathically contact someone that they know personally.
Nale: Right, my minion, and it’s how we’re going to dangle our lovely bait. Within a few weeks, I will have my sweet revenge on my brother, and the rest of the Order of the Stick will be dead!
Sabine: Wait, so now we’re NOT killing Elan??
Nale: Oh, no, my darling. That would be over far too quickly. I want my brother to suffer for daring to oppose me. Suffer in the most exquisitely torturous way possible.
<disk jacket text> Celine Dion Live in Concert.
Nale: No, no, Thog, I’m still civilized.

Spoiler: Strip 259

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Son of Mail Call
Kodrog, Jim, Redcloak, Xykon

Kodrog: So, uh, hello, readers of The Order of the Stick. My name is Kodrog the Slayer, and this is my buddy Jim.
Jim: Hey.
Kodrog: This was supposed to be the main characters answering your questions for the holidays, but they seem to be indisposed for the time being, and we were a more efficient stand-in than more Linear Guild.
Jim: Because we work cheap.
Kodrog: Right. Anyway, let’s get to some reader letters!
<card text> Dear Haley, Why don’t you tell Elan how you feel? You two would be cute together.
Kodrog: Well, I can’t really answer this question, but I can say with confidence that Haley is one smoking hot human chick.
Jim: Blech, you know, I can’t get past the lack of fangs. She doesn’t do it for me.
Kodrog: Are you kidding? I don’t care how small her teeth are, I would totally hit that.
Jim: Only if your attack roll exceeded her Amor Class.
Kodrog: It’s an expression, dumbass.
Jim: Oh.
Kodrog: Moving on…
<card text> What is that thing in the shadows that hangs around with the villains?
Kodrog: Ooo! I totally know the answer to this one!
Jim: Aw, man, don’t do this.
Kodrog: I got a good peak under the umbrella while we were in the tower. It turns out the thing in the darkness is actually-
<sfx> ZZZZAP!!
Redcloak: Excellent timing, sir. You certainly prevented those two from revealing the dread truth!
Xykon: Prevented who from what now? I just wanted those giant cards to stop blocking my view.

Spoiler: Strip 260

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The Prison Blues
Elan, Durkon, Haley, Roy

Elan: Wow! Azure City! This view is amazing!
Durkon: Are ye just aboot done?
(D): Are you just about done?
Elan: Huh?
Durkon: I be a healer, not a footstool!
(D): I’m a healer, not a footstool!
Elan: Oh, sorry, Durkon.
Haley: Ufxm ft, rwra, fkmt bfe xfxxa…
(H): Come on, baby, open for mommy…
Elan: Did you know that Azure City is the largest trading port in Southern lands? Thousands of ships come from all around the world to barter for fine Southern goods like silk, spices, and video games. The average temperature for this season is 63°F, with average yearly precipitation of 26.43 inches.
Roy: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a successful Bardic Knowledge check.
Elan: Hey Roy, I saw a lot of cool merchants when Miko was dragging us through the streets in chains. Do you think we’ll get time to visit some of them?
Roy: Yes, Elan, I’m sure we’ll have a chance to nip out and do some antiquing right between our trial and our execution.
Elan: Gee, I think SOMEBODY needs Protection from Negativity.
Roy: Excuse me for not having the most optimistic outlook right this moment. We’ve been dragged across half the continent by the “paladin” Miko, led through the city in chains, and locked up in this foreign prison. All so we can defend ourselves on some ridiculous trumped-up charge that we don’t understand. Naturally, we seem to be considered guilty until proven innocent, which won’t happen if this Shojo guy is as close-minded and judgmental as his servant is. So the likelihood is strong that before much longer, we are all going to be executed, permanently.
Elan: Oh. Right. Then I guess I have only one question: Would it be OK for me to compliment you on working the plot recap so smoothly into your angry monologue?
Roy: Sure, go right ahead, I’m sure it will work out very well for you.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 261 to 281
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 261

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I Smell a Solo Adventure
Guard, Belkar

Guard: Hello? I have your dinner.
Belkar: Congratulations. I suppose you want XP for that? Ugh, this… this is disgusting! I can’t eat this, I’d go into culinary shock!
Guard: Sorry, everyone gets the same gruel, samurai’s orders.
Belkar: So is there a reason you dumped me in this pit instead of in one of the nice barred cells I saw on the way in here?
Guard: I wouldn’t know, I’m just a guard. But the samurai did give us instructions on how to accommodate you prisoners. “The dwarf and the two human men in one cell, the elf and the thief in another, and the halfling alone.” She said you specifically asked for it, something about “emotional duress”.
Belkar: Cute.
Guard: That’s why we put your friends in the anti-magic cell block and you here in solitary.
Belkar: Great. Well you tell that self-righteous – wait. You just implied that THIS cell is not in the anti-magic block.
Guard: Well, true, but the samurai said you weren’t a spellcaster.
Belkar: And you naturally confiscated all of my magical items and locked them up somewhere.
Guard: Of course.
Belkar: But speaking hypothetically, if I had managed to conceal my Ring of Jumping someplace on my body that I was reasonable certain no one would search, would if still function in this dark pit?
Guard: Well, I suppose that’s-
<sfx> WHUMP!
Guard: Unnh!
Belkar: Let’s see. I’m alone, wounded, and barely armed in a foreign land, trapped in a massive fortress swarming with nameless hostile human sentries.
Guard: Glurk!
Belkar: It’s like my birthday come early, only instead of birthday cake, there are dead humans. Well, more dead humans at any rate.

Spoiler: Strip 262

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All You Need is Love and Improvised Thieves' Tools
Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Elan: Hey Haley! How’s the Open Locks check going over there? Any luck?
Haley: Jpz rezncw gpsi! Pncd! Hxj hpd’e jpz pncd??
(H): You stupid lock! Open! Why won’t you open??
Elan: Gee, that doesn’t sound promising.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, Miss Starshine has already taken 20 on this lock, and to no avail.
Elan: Well, maybe I can help her out with a little musical assistance.
Haley: Qpcdq ep icgg jpz…
(H): Going to kill you…
Elan: <singing> Pick, pick, pick, pick the prison door lock!
Haley: C xfeb Flfvcdq-kzfgcej gpsir!
(H): I hate Amazing-quality locks!
Vaarsuvius: I do not believe your song is effective.
Elan: Why not?
Vaarsuvius: Your bardic music is a supernatural effect. Just as I am unable to invoke even the simplest of cantrips in this thrice-damned anti-magic field, so too will your song remain ineffective while in that cell. Although… perhaps a more mundane method might succeed in bolstering her sagging confidence.
Elan: Huh? What do you mean?
Vaarsuvius: Try simply speaking to Miss Starshine, Elan. Tell her know much faith you have in her rogue abilities.
Elan: Oh! OK! So, Haley, uh, I just wanted to say how much we’re all counting on you. We really don’t want to go to trial, so we really need to get out of this dumb jail, like, right away.
Haley: Qbb, exfdir dp nubrrzub exbub.
(H): Gee, thanks, no pressure there.
Elan: And even though that lock is, like, really hard, I know you can do it. Because you’re smart, and sneaky, and good at stuff…
Haley: Wfld ce! PNBD!!!
(H): Damn it! OPEN!!!
Elan: And… I believe in you.
<sfx> click!
Elan: Woooo! Haley, you did it!!
Haley: C fl epefggj cd gpyb hcex jpz.
(H): I am totally in love with you.
Vaarsuvius: Love makes the world go round. And it has been known to provide a +2 circumstance bonus to certain skill checks.

Spoiler: Strip 263

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The Great Escape
Durkon, Roy, Elan

Durkon: I dinnae think this be a good idea, lad. If’n we escape an’ get caught, things’ll be much worse fer us.
(D): I don’t think this is a good idea, Roy. If we escape and get caught, things will be much worse for us.
Roy: Look, it’s not like we’re escaping to go on a killing spree. We’re just going to sneak out of prison and go home. Not that it matters, since you probably won’t help us anyway. Just like the fight against Miko, I guess. Both fights, actually.
Durkon: I did help ye the second time! I heal’d ye didn’t I?
(D): I did help you the second time! I healed you, didn’t I?
Roy: Yeah, but you didn’t actually attack Miko at all. And when she didn’t chain you as a result, you didn’t manage to set us free.
Durkon: Thor’s bloated liver, Roy, don’t ye understand? Me god wants me ta be here, in this place, an’ talk to this Shojo guy, I just know it. I cannae go aginst Thor’s will, even fer ye.
(D): Thor’s bloated liver, Roy, don’t you understand? My god wants me to be here, in this place, and talk to this Shojo guy, I just know it. I cannot go against Thor’s will, even for you.
Roy: Well, then stay in the cell while the rest of us escape. Because me, I’ve had more than enough of this plotline.
Elan: I believe in you.
Roy: OK, gang, we’re going to subdue the guard outside without killing them. First priority is to find our stuff, so we can properly defend ourselves. Then… sigh… then I guess we should find Belkar and spring him.
Elan: Awwww… do we HAVE to??
Roy: I’m not going to let him be executed by Shojo. I owe him that much for helping to defeat Xykon. And I’m not going to take the chance that he’s released into the world without my supervision. I owe that to everyone else everywhere. Now come on, the Jailbreak Express is leaving the station. All aboard that’s coming aboard.
Durkon: Lad, dinane do this! I cannae help feelin’ ye’ll regret it.
(D): Roy, don’t do this! I can’t help feeling you’ll regret it.
Roy: Regret? The only regret I’m going to have is not seeing the look on Miko’s face when she finds out we’ve escaped.

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I Cannae Tell a Lie
Haley, Roy, Miko, Elan, Durkon

Haley: Aqmd. Rmtdwx!
(H): Wait. Listen!
<sfx> clank! clank! clank! clank!
Haley: Fqqj mx dow gwrrt! Fqqi FQGJ!!
(H): Back in the cells! Back! BACK!!
Roy: What the--?
Miko: Lord Shojo has-
<sfx> CLANG! CLANG!
Miko: What was that noise? Were those the cell doors? You were trying to escape!
Elan: What? That’s silly! How could we possibly escape when these doors are still securely locked?
<sfx> creeeeeeeak!
Elan: Did I say “securely locked”? I meant-
Miko: Honorless pig! I know you were plotting to escape! Luckily, there is still one of you whose word I still trust. Durkon, I know you would not lie to me. Were they trying to flee?
Durkon: Huh? Um, well, see… I can swear on Thor’s beard that the five of us never left our cells.
(D): Um, well, see… I can swear on Thor’s beard that the five of us never left our cells.
Miko: Then what of the cell doors? How did they become unlocked?
Durkon: Sigh. Yer right, lass. I cannae lie to ye…
(D): Sigh. You’re right, lass. I cannot lie to you…
Roy: No, no, no!
Durkon: ‘Twas a mechanical defect.
(D): It was a mechanical defect.
Miko: A mechanical… oh. Very well, then, I suppose you were not trying to escape after all. Either way, I have been sent to collect you. Lord Shojo has now requested your immediate presence. We will gather the halfling on the way.
Roy: <whispering> “Mechanical defect”?
Durkon: <whispering> I dunno, I count, “able ta be picked by a rogue,” as a pretty major defect, aye?
(D): I don’t know, I count, “able to be picked by a rogue,” as a pretty major defect, don’t you?

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A Tale of Two Paladins
Hinjo, Elan, Roy, Miko

Hinjo: -and so he said, “Rectum? I darn near KILLED ‘im!”
Elan: HAHAHAHA!
Hinjo: And that’s the story of how I became a paladin.
Roy: That’s hilarious.
Miko: Hinjo! Stop fraternizing with the prisoners! They are filthy honorless criminals and are beneath you.
Hinjo: <whispering> Uh oh, we better be quiet or the teacher is gonna keep us after school.
Roy: <whispering> Wait, so you, a fellow paladin of the Sapphire Guard, don’t like Miko either??
Hinjo: <whispering> Let’s just say there is a reason Miko gets picked for long missions. In foreign countries. Which keep her away from home for months at a time. What, you didn’t think all paladins were like her, did you?
Miko: Your foul little henchman is in here.
Roy: Oh, this doesn’t bode well.
Miko: By the Twelve Gods! He has escaped! Hinjo, take the rest of the guards and escort the prisoners directly to Lord Shojo’s audience chamber.
Hinjo: Yes, ma’am.
Miko: Do NOT tell them any more amusing anecdotes along the way.
Hinjo: Sigh. Yes, ma’am.
Miko: I am going to track down that halfling personally.
Hinjo: Do you really think you’ll be able to find him, Miko?
Miko: Yes.
<wall text> Come & Get Me Miko! THIS WAY.

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Guessing Game
Elan, Roy, Hinjo, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Elan: I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet Lord Shojo! This is so exciting!
Roy: I’m not exactly looking forward to it, Elan.
Elan: Aren’t you at least curious, though? Don’t you wonder what he’s really like?
Roy: I suppose, but I’m more worried what he’ll do to us than about what he looks like.
Elan: I wonder if he’s tall. Like, a big tall paladin guy in shiny armor.
Roy: Maybe. I don’t really know.
Elan: Or maybe he’s like a wizard, with like glowing power all around him and a big staff. Do you think he’s a wizard?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Ooo! Do you think he might be a half-orc?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Or how about a half-elf?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Do you think he’s a half-orc, half-elf?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Do you think he has an eyepatch? Do you think he’s a halfling? Do you think he’s a woman? Do you think he’s a vampire? Do you think he’s a horse? Do you think he’s a robot?
Roy: YES! Yes, Elan, that’s exactly what I think. I think Lord Shojo is a robot. An angry robot with laser beam eyes and crushing titanium claws, sent from the future to punish us in the past. Now could you just shut up for one moment while I try to think of what I’m going to say?
Hinjo: Order of the Stick, I present you before the venerable Lord Shojo, ruler of Azure City.
Shojo: Zzzzzzzz….
Mr. Scruffy:Meow?
Elan: <whispering> Wow, Roy, your guess was totally wrong!
Roy: Sigh.

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The Cat Behind the Throne
Shojo, Hinjo, Roy, Mr. Scruffy, Eugene (disguised as Being of Pure Law and Good)

Shojo: Whuh? Huh? Oh, uh, congratulations, young paladins. You have-
Hinjo: No, Your lordship, these aren’t the new 1st level paladins. These are the people Miko brought back.
Shojo: Oh! Right! Terrible business, there, about that gate. You stand accused of weakening the very fabric of the universe in which we live. Your trial shall thus commence immediately to determine if you are guilty or innocence. Should you be found guilty-
Roy: Excuse me! Excuse me, sir, my name is Roy Greenhilt. This is all very interesting, but I’m just wondering: Who the hell are you people to come up from the South into our lands and capture us? Who gave you the right??
Shojo: A good question. Allow me to consult my legal consultant. Mr. Scruffy, what gives the Sapphire Guard the right to cross national borders in pursuit of those who threaten existence?
Mr. Scruffy:Meow.
Shojo: Ah, yes. Mr. Scruffy reminds me that the Sapphire Guard has been given their holy powers by the Twelve Gods of the South to protect the gates… And since the gods are not limited in their jurisdiction, neither are we. Further, Mr. Scruffy goes on to point out that while yes, Lord Shojo- that’s me- is ALSO the secular ruler of Azure City, his post as Sapphire Commander is separate and unrelated. He has had you captured strictly on the authority of the gods, not on the behalf of his beloved city.
Roy: … I’m sorry, I’m having trouble processing that answer on account of it being dispensed by a friggin’ housecat! Hinjo, please tell me this is what passes for a joke among paladins. We’re not really going to have our fate decided by this guy, are we?
Hinjo: Oh, no. Lord Shojo will be managing the trial, but he will not be rendering a verdict.
Roy: Whew!
Hinjo: For that, our clerics have summoned a being of pure Law and Good from the Upper Planes to render judgment.
Eugene: Vengeance shall be brought upon the guilty! There shall be no excuses! A cleansing fire shall burn them!
Roy: Yeah, y’know, on second thought, is it too late to go with the old guy and the cat?
Shojo: Guards! Summon the holy kitty litter! Mr. Scruffy demands poopsies!

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The Lawyers Strike Back
Hinjo, Roy, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez, Elan, Haley, Shojo, Vaarsuvius, Celia

Hinjo: The trial shall commence shortly, once the last members of the court arrive.
Roy: “Last members…”?
Mr. Jones: Mr. Jones and associate for the prosecution, Your Honor.
Roy: Ah. Of course, the lawyers. I should have recognized their foul stench when we were brought inside.
Elan: Oh good, I thought that smell was Durkon again. Pew!!
Mr. Rodriguez: Hey, how come your name gets to be first?
Mr. Jones: Alphabetical order.
Mr. Rodriguez: … Shouldn’t it be “Associate and Mr. Jones,” then?
Elan: Hey! Your side gets BOTH lawyers! Shouldn’t we get one of them? Or at least PART of one of them?
Haley: Qddd, baxww.
(H): Ewww, gross.
Hinjo: I’m sorry, but we contacted Mr. Jones and Mr. Rodriguez shortly after Miko was dispatched. They’re the best lawyers around.
Roy: They’re the ONLY lawyers around!
Shojo: Mr. Scruffy thought you boys weren’t going to make it.
Mr. Jones: You can assure your feline that your court date was never in real jeopardy.
Mr. Rodriguez: Ohmygod!!!! You have a kitty!!!!
Vaarsuvius: This is a troubling development. I was already concerned about our actual ability to eloquently present our defense before this court of law… But now we must defend ourselves against two highly-skilled legal professionals-
Mr. Rodriguez: Kitty kitty! Hello, kitty kitty! Hello!
Vaarsuvius: -ONE highly-skilled legal professional and one man in a very expensive suit.
Hinjo: Now hold on, give Lord Shojo some credit. When we contacted Mr. Jones, our clerics also sent out a multi-planar call for a defense counsel. We really didn’t get much response at first, but eventually we managed to find someone. Now, she’s not technically a “lawyer” yet, but she is going back to night school part-time to get her degree.
Roy: Oh, fantastic! This trail can’t get any worse! The judge is insane, the jury is merciless, the prosecution is cutthroat, and now, our defense is a wet-behind-the-ears law student. Our lives are on the line, and we’re going to be represented by a friggin’ paralegal!
Celia:Friggin’ paraelemental, actually.

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A Familiar Face
Roy, Celia, Elan, Durkon, Haley, Brad

Roy: Celia?? But why-? How did you get here?
Celia:I flew. These wings aren’t just for show, you know.
Elan: I can’t believe it! You’re our lawyer?
Durkon: Who?
(D): Who?
Haley: Arwcrxcon!
(H): Fantastic!
Elan: But I thought you put your career on hold to spend more time with your family and boyfriend.
Celia:Yeah, well, that didn’t work out so hot. After I dropped your brother and the half-orc off in prison, I decided to fly right to my boyfriend’s house to surprise him. I thought it would be romantic. Of course, I was the one who got surprised when I walked in on that jerk “slipping the wood” to some dryad hussy.
<flashback>
Celia:Brad! How COULD you??
Brad: Baby, it’s not what it looks like!
<end flashback>
Durkon: Aye, them leafy wankers have broken many homes.
(D): Yeah, those leafy wankers have broken many homes.
Celia:So I moved back in with Mom and Dad, and when I couldn’t stand them for one more minute, I decided to go back to school. I’ve been studying law ever since. So when I heard the call, I knew that I owed you guys for saving me from the Linear Guild. So I’m here to defend you.
Roy: Well, I for one am thrilled to see you! This may be the first thing to go right in this whole trial.
Celia:It’s good to see you guys too. I was worried you were inside the castle when it blew up.
Roy: I actually feel kinda bad that your first big case is going to be such a failure.
Celia:Actually, you guys have a far better case than you might realize. You’re basically all decent heroic adventurers. As I see it, you were in the dungeon to defeat an evil usurper, and just got a little carried away with making sure his plans were stopped. Plus, the best part is that it looks like you managed to hitch that obnoxious halfling before you got arrested. Could you imagine this trial if we have THAT albatross around our neck! Ha! Talk about your unsympathetic defenders! No, you guys really did yourselves a favor losing him.
Elan: Oooooo, awkward.

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Dueling Egos
Miko, Belkar

Miko: Hiding in a storeroom, halfling?? Come out here and face me!
Belkar: An interesting proposal. Let me consider it… No.
Miko: Coward!
Belkar: I prefer the term “still alive”. See, you already beaten me in a toe-to-toe fight, so why should I take the risk? Not when I have high ranks in Hide and Move Silently and I know that Spot and Listen aren’t paladin class skills. I think I’m a lot better off just sniping at you from the shadows for now, wearing down your hit points until I can take you down easily.
<sfx> schklart!
Miko: Fool! I can heal my wounds with the blessings of the gods.
Belkar: Sure, I know. But you don’t have unlimited usage. You’ll run out eventually.
Miko: There are dozens of paladins and clerics in this place that can heal me. You cannot beat me by attrition.
Belkar: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought what we were doing here was personal. Between you and me. You know… a matter of honor.
<sfx> schklart!
Miko: Honor?? You don’t know the meaning of the word!
Belkar: Then show me. Show me by not getting healed by anyone else.
Miko: Very well.
Miko: <whispering> I’ve got you now…
Miko: SMITE EVIL!
<sfx> SPLOOSH!
Miko: What is this… sake?
Belkar: Yup, found a few big jugs of it in here.
Miko: Why soak me with rice wine? To humiliate me?
Belkar: Because halflings are good at throwing things other than daggers.
<sfx> FWOOSH!
Miko: AAARGHH!
Belkar: It’s as true today as when I started adventuring: “When in doubt, set something on fire.”

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The Prosecution's Case
Shojo, Mr. Jones, Sangwaan, Dead Goblin, Roach, Blackwing, Vaarsuvius, Dirt Farmer, Doctor, Flumph, Celia, Elan, Roy

Shojo: The Chair of Truth has been prepared. Mr. Jones, you may call your first witness.
Mr. Jones: Thank you, Lord Shojo. The prosecution calls-
Sangwaan: Our divination spells clearly revealed that it was the Order of the Stick that had…
Dead Goblin: …saw the whole thing. Well, up until the part where I was killed along with the others.
Roach: So then the blond guy touches the big glowing…
Blackwing: Caw caw caw CAW caw caw caw!
Vaarsuvius: Curse you, treacherous avian!!
Dirt Farmer: …could see the explosion all the way from…
Doctor: In my medical opinion, the Order of the Stick suffers from an acute case of…
Flumph: And then… *sob* I’m sorry, I can’t go on.
Mr. Jones: It’s OK, sir, take your time.
Flumph: And then… he stepped on my tentacle!
Celia:Geez, we’re getting clobbered out there. Where did he find all of these witnesses??
Elan: I’m sorry, Celia, I thought I had the perfect surprise witness for the defense all lined up… But Banjo is unwilling to compromise his integrity to help us out. He saw what he saw.
Roy: Have you considered treating him as a hostile witness? Like, say, by whacking him repeatedly with a blunt object?

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The Big Secret
Mr. Jones, Celia, Shojo, Roy, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Scruffy, Elan

Mr. Jones: The prosecution rests.
Celia:What??
Mr. Jones: We rest. Our case is complete.
Celia:But that doesn’t even make sense! All you did was get testimony about how they allegedly blew up a random castle. I know I’m new at this, but I’m pretty sure that’s not enough for a conviction. The charge given was “weakening the fabric of the universe,” not, I don’t know, “castle blowing upness.” You need to link the castle’s destruction to something else or you’ve got absolutely no case!
Shojo: I’m afraid I agree, son. Don’t you have any more evidence?
Mr. Jones: Well, of course I do, Your Honor. But as you well know, the additional evidence relies on state secrets.
Celia:WHAT??
Shojo: Oh! Right! The secret stuff. Well, I guess since I know the secret and our friend from the Upper Planes knows it, we can just move on to the defense.
Roy: You’re all insane! You drag us down here in chains so that you can tell us “Oh, whoopsie, we can’t tell you the basis for the charges against you because you’re not in the top secret club”??
Celia:I’m afraid I have to agree with my client. This is outrageous.
Mr. Jones: Don’t look at me. Azure City law clearly stipulates that telling anyone this secret is a criminal offense. You didn’t think a Lawful Good government automatically meant free speech, did you?
Celia:OK, fine. Keep your secret, then. I move for an immediate dismissal of all charges. Not only did the prosecution fail utterly to connect my clients in any way to the so-called “weakening of the fabric of the universe”, but my clients are also incapable of receiving a fair trial, since they cannot form any kind of defense against charges that rely on secret voodoo knowledge to even understand. Unless, of course, I need to know the secret handshake to make a motion in this court.
Mr. Rodriguez: Oh, no, the secret handshake is for sidebar conferences.
Shojo: Hmmm… yes, I concur. Mr. Scruffy, bringing the perpetrators to justice IS more important than keepings the secret…
Mr. Scruffy:Meow?
Shojo: Very well, Miss Celia. In the interest of giving your clients a fair trial, I shall reveal to you the Secret Forbidden Lore of the Sapphire Guard.
Celia:Really? Darn, I was kinda hoping for a mistrial, not a bunch of background exposition…
Shojo: It all began at the Dawn of Time…
Elan: Dun Dun DUN!!
Roy: Elan!

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The Crayons of Time: Doodles on the Sketch Pad of Eternity
Shojo, Elan, Roy, Durkon, Thor, Hades, Pig, Zeus, Dragon

<flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> At the Dawn of Time, there was chaos. A formless mass of possible realites, tangled together in a big fat pile.
Elan: <whispering> Psst! Do you think this troy will take a while? I have to use the bathroom!
Roy: <whispering> I’m pretty sure you should have thought of that when he began with “At the Dawn of Time.”
Elan: <whispering> Awwww, man!
Shojo: <voiceover> From beyond the chaos, the gods arrived. They saw the many possibilities and decided to shape a new world, one of myth and magic. The gods were divided, as they are today, into several pantheons. We know them now by the regions of the world that worship them: Odin, Thor, and the gods of the North. Dragon, Tiger, Rooster, and the rest of the Twelve Gods of the South. Marduk, Tiamat, and the gods of the West. And finally, Zeus, Ares, and the gods of the East.
Durkon: <whispering> Whoa, thar. Gods o’ tha East? Never heard o’ em.
(D): Wait a minute. Gods of the East? Never heard of them.
Roy: <whispering> Yeah, what kind of name is “Zeus”, anyway?
Shojo: <voiceover> Hey! Who’s the wizened old man dispensing valuable plot points here? You? Didn’t think so. Now pipe down! Where was I? Oh, right. The gods began the project in harmony, but soon, arguments began to arise on how this new world should be created. For each facet that the four pantheons agreed upon, there were two that they did not.
Thor: I think trolls should be hardworking blacksmiths, toiling away underground forging magical weapons.
Hades: No! Trolls should be vile monsters, living under bridges and harassing goats!
Pig: You’re both wrong! Trolls should be tiny wrinkled men with big poofy hair that are collected by old women!
Shojo: <voiceover> And when the pantheons could not agree, they would simply pull of the threads of reality, hoping to manifest their divine will on this new world by sheer force.
Thor: Hades, let GO!
Hades: YOU let go!
Shojo: <voiceover>The new world took shape, but for every argument, a new snag would develop in the fabric of the world. A new snarl in the threads of reality.
Zeus: Elves should be making toys, not casting spells!
Dragon: Who ever heard of dragons that can’t breathe fire??
Shojo: <voiceover> And the gods, blinded by their petty squabbles, did not see the Snarl growing every day…Growing more complex…growing more intelligent…...growing more hateful.

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The Crayons of Time: The Snarl
Shojo, Zeus, Durkon, Monkey, Frigga

<continue flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Until the day it struck. Malevolent and powerful, it wanted nothing more than destruction. It slew Apollo and Ares outright in the first round of combat. Then it systematically executed the remainder of the Eastern gods: Hades, Poseidon, even gentle Demeter and fair Aphrodite. All of them. Wise Zeus died last, still wondering what had happened.
Zeus: Why?
Durkon: <voiceover> Wait a minute, ye cannae kill tha gods. Tha’s impossible.
(D): Wait a minute, you can’t kill the gods. That’s impossible.
Shojo: <voiceover> For mere mortals like you and I, certainly, friend dwarf. But the Snarl was literally born of deific frustration and hostility. Its claws cut through them like daggers through parchment. Some have theorized since that gods were MORE vulnerable to the Snarl then a mortal of the same level would have been. Then, the Snarl turned its hungry eyes to the newly minted world below. It drained bloody armageddon down on the world, devouring each and every soul, from the mightiest dragon to the tiniest of gnats. Nothing escaped it. The gods of the other three pantheons looked on helplessly. They had seen the carnage Zeus’ family had suffered, they knew they could not stand against this beast. But with every passing moment, millions of souls cried out in anguish, dying with prayers to impotent gods on their lips. Twenty-seven minutes after it had revealed its existence, the Snarl had undone creation. The remaining gods hid in their Outer Plane homes, hoping the Snarl would not discover them. They hid for centuries. But the chief deities met in secret, hatching a plan. They knew that when their beautiful world’s life was cut short, all of the many threads of reality that had been woven into it were released. These threads could be used to fight the Snarl on its own terms. And so they pledged to work together to build a new world. This time, the three pantheons would decide in advance who would create what part of the world. Each god would get a chance to create. There would be no fighting, just cooperation and harmony.
Monkey: OK, my turn? Ninjas.
Frigga: What? Hey, we all agreed on this medieval knights-and-wizards theme!
Monkey: So? It’s my turn, my choice, I say: NINJA!
Frigga: … Fine.
Shojo: <voiceover> Well, MOSTLY harmony.

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The Crayons of Time: World 2.0
Shojo, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Thor, Loki, Mijung, Soon

<continue flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> The gods weaved the new world as quickly as they could, but they needn’t have hurried. The Snarl was a thing born of chaos. It did not understand the pattern of the threads, even as it watched them take form around him. It did not grasp the implicit purpose of the god’s creation… To trap it in a prison of manifested reality. As the gods pulled on the last few strands, the new world formed in the same planar space as the Snarl, shunting it into a tiny demiplane from which it could not free itself. The gods had been clever and built their planet to exist in multiple coterminous dimensions, thus blocking the only vibrational frequencies the Snarl could have used to escape from its cell.
Haley: <voiceover> Vxv?
(H): Huh?
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> He means that the world we live in is merely the padlock on the jailhouse of reality.
Shojo: <voiceover> Exactly. The Snarl clawed and scraped at its dark prison, but could not break free on its own. In that demiplane, its divine energy was nulled, leaving it weakened.
Thor: How do you like that, you deicidal maniac? Huh? HUH? Now who’s so big and tough?
<sfx> whump!
Loki: Dude, don’t taunt the god-killing abomination.
Shojo: A thousand years and more passed in the world of mortals. The gods had created new worshippers for themselves, who had in turn built mighty civilizations. Some even raised up their own gods, like the elves and the goblins. But the gods chose not to tell any of their followers of the horrid beast that lay just beyond their plane. The gods feared that there would someday be a mortal who sought to free the Snarl, so they kept their secret.
Mijung: Fascinating… it appears to be some sort of planar rift , Soon, but I’ve never seen anything…
Soon: Beloved, leave the magic back in your laboratory for once. Let us enjoy the sunkissed forests of elven lands before duty calls us back to Azure City.
Mijung: Just a moment, dear, I think it-
Shojo: <voiceover> Sadly, this meant that even the most learned in the ways of arcane lore were caught unprepared…when holes appeared in the Snarl’s prison.
Mijung: guh.
Soon: MIJUNG!

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The Crayons of Time: The Order of the Scribble
Shojo, Lirian, Celia, Serini, Kraagor, Girard, Dorukan, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Holey Brotherhood Member, Soon, Dwarf 1, Dwarf 2, Dwarf 3

<continue flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Sixty-six years ago, a paladin by the name of Soon Kim lost his wife to one of the rifts while on a diplomatic mission to the elven lands.
Lirian: Excuse me, have you seen any lost bears around here? I’ve- Oh my gods! What happened?
Shojo: <voiceover> He soon met an elven druid, Lirian, who was investigating wildlife disappearances in the deep forest. Together, they concluded that the same rift was responsible. They joined forces to further research the strange rift, and to find a way to seal it, thus keeping anyone else from suffering the same fate. They traveled the world and were soon joined by four allies: Serini Toormuck, a halfling rogue. Kraagor, a barbarian dwarf. Girard Draketooth, an illusionist and tracker. And Dorukan, a wizard with whom I believe you are familiar.
Celia: <voiceover> I’ll say, he still owes me my last paycheck!
Serini: Hey Soon, next level I think I might take a level in paladin. Won’t that be cool? Two paladins in the party?
Kraagor: I don’t know if you’re the paladin type, Serini.
Serini: Well, I’ve got the Charisma for it.
Girard: But wait, will we have to implant the stick up your ass, or will it grow there once you take the level?
Dorukan: If it means she’ll march in stoic silence from now on, I wholeheartedly support it.
Shojo: <voiceover> They discovered five rifts, scattered across the world. Through diligent study and magical inquiry, they were able to guess at their nature.
Roy: <voiceover> Hold on, I’m sure this was a great campaign for these characters, but why didn’t the gods just fix the prison? They trapped this “Snarl” in the first place, didn’t they?
Shojo: <voiceover> Soon and his allies learned that the gods could remake the prison without the rifts…but to do so would require the raw threads of reality that were currently being used by the world.
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> So they could fix it, if they let the entire world be undone again first.
Shojo: <voiceover> Right. They agreed it was best not to let things deteriorate to the point where the gods felt they had no choice but to destroy the world to rebuild the prison. So they went to each rift and defeate those who would use them for their own purposes.
Holey Brotherhood Member: The Holey Brotherhood believes in the right for holes to exist! You shall not seal this one!
Girard: Geez, you’ve got to be the dumbest villain ever!
Lirian: Really? You think he’s worse than Baron Pineapple?
Shojo: <voiceover> And while they never found a way to remove the rifts entirely, they did develop means to seal them up. Their final adventures together led them to seal all five of the rifts, trapping the Snarl once again in its timeless prison.
Soon: Cast the spell! Seal the rift!
Lirian: No! Not until you’re both clear!
Soon: DO IT!!
Shojo: <voiceover> Their victory was not without cost, however.
Serini: *Sob!*
Lirian: Dearest Kraagor… your brave sacrifice will not be forgotten.
Girard: Actually, I ‘m pretty sure that’s exactly what will happen. Isn’t that right, Soon?
Shojo: <voiceover> They agreed, grudgingly, that the rifts needed to once again be kept secret. Like the gods before them, they feared what would happen if they fell into the wrong hands. With the rifts sealed, Lirian and Dorukan began intense magical research into a way to “lock” them. In time, they developed a design for a mystic gate that would buttress the fabric of reality around each rift and keep it from tearing further. As long as the gates stood strong, the rifts would never grow. The pair sunk their entire fortune into building the five gates. When they were completed, the group agreed that as high-level adventurers, it was their duty to protect the gates with the most powerful forces they could bring to bear. Unfortunately, that’s when the trouble began…
Dwarf 1: Geez, will you look at these plans? This human can’t afford this kind of work.
Dwarf 2: Yeah, he’s sure not paying us enough for this Water Dungeon… or this reinforced ceiling.
Dwarf 3: You know, if we cut corners on this big gate in the basement, I bet we can use the money to pay for a new pool table in our Rumpus Room.
Dwarf 1: Done and done.

Spoiler: Strip 277

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The Crayons of Time: Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Shojo, Dorukan, Soon, Girard, Serini, Celia, Roy, Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius

<continue flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> The party agreed that the gates could not be allowed to fall into the hands of evil, but they disagreed on how best to defend them.
Dorukan: Only the most epic magic can defend the gates.
Soon: Magic? Your magic can be dispelled or disrupted. Only the honor of a paladin is unbreakable.
Girard: Honor, yeah, that and a silver piece can get you a hunk of cheese.
Shojo: <voiceover> With the death of Kraagor still weighing heavy on their hearts, the disagreements turned into arguments, the arguments turned into blame, and the lame turned into something ugly.
Soon: You don’t care if the gates fall, as long as you can research a new spell!
Dorukan: And you don’t care if your allies fall, as long as you avenge your dead wife!
Shojo: <voiceover> Anger and resentment that had simmered through years of adventuring were suddenly unleashed. Words were said that could never be taken back. Spells were readied in anger, and blades drawn in self-defense.
Serini: STOP!!
Shojo: <voiceover> Only the lone voice of a halfling woman prevented bloodshed. Knowing that the party would never travel again after what had been said, Serini devised a compromise that would allow the five adventurers to part ways while still protecting the five gates.
Serini: Look, we all think we know how to best defend the gates, right? So let’s split them up. There’s five of us and five of them. We each take the one closest to our homeland. We retire, and build a stronghold to defend our chosen gate, however we see fit. And we agree, no interference in the other four gates. We’ll set up some kind of monitoring divination to tell if someone else’s gate is broken, but that’s it. No spying, no “just checking in” visits, no nothing. We leave her today, and that’s it. We’re done with each other.
Shojo: <voiceover> They agreed, and swore an oath to that effect. And as far as we know, no two have ever laid eyes on each other since. Dorukan left for Redmountain Hills, where he spent years warding his gate with the most powerful sigils he could imagine. Lirian returned to the rift that she had first found with Soon. She enlisted the aid of the creatures of the forest in its defense. Girard Draketooth hid his desert gate behind an endless series of cunning illusions, relying on the power of deception to protect the gate. Even though it has been her idea, Serini wasn’t really the type for retiring.
Serini: OK, set the purple worms down gently, we don’t want a repeat of the Roc Incident.
Shojo: <voiceover> She decided that she would build a tomb for Kraagor, and fill it with the nastiest monsters in the world, to reflect his belief in the power of physical might. And Soon, he believed more than anything in the power of honor, truth, and loyalty. He returned to Azure City and selected the noblest samurai to join him as his paladins. He named his fighting force the Sapphire Guard. We know little about the other four, as the oaths taken by each paladin prevent them from seeking out the other gates. But we do know that Soon sent his men and women on a crusade to wipe out all who would threaten the Azure City gate, no matter how far removed geographically. In the process, they purged all mention of the gates and the rifts from libraries. It was if the events of the previous few years had never happened. When I was but a boy, learning at my father’s knee, an aged Soon came to him and transferred command of the Sapphire Guard. Soon said it was crucial that the defense of the city and the defense of the gate be held in the same capable hands. He died shortly thereafter.
<end flashback>
Shojo: And when my father passed on, the duty and all of the secrets passed on to me. For 47 years I have commanded the Sapphire Guard. And when I die, my nephew Hinjo here will be Lord of the city. And now you know the Secret Lore of the Sapphire Guard.
Celia:<whispering> Psssst! Flashback’s over!
Roy: Huh? Oh geez!
Elan: Aren’t we suppose to get a 2-panel warning?
Haley: Zfq bq nzml??
(H): Are we back??
Vaarsuvius: That is it, when this story arc is over, I shall be calling my agent.

Spoiler: Strip 278

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A New Strategy
Vaarsuvius, Shojo, Celia, Roy

Vaarsuvius: So your contention is that by eradicating this gate of Dorukan’s, Elan has inadvertently weakened the fabric of the universe that keeps this “Snarl” safely trapped?
Shojo: Correct.
Vaarsuvius: And should all five gates be destroyed, you believe the stress would tear the prison apart, releasing the Snarl to undo this world?
Shojo: Correct again.
Vaarsuvius: Then I have just one more question: Why in the blasted infernal hells did anyone install a self-destruct enchantment on the cursed thing?? While I fully admit my knowledge regarding the nature of the world’s construction is clearly not as far advanced as I would have hoped, I have to believe that if I ever found myself needing to build an artifact whose sole purpose was to reinforce the failing infrastructure of the universe, I would somehow see fit to NOT include a booby trap!!
Shojo: Yes, I had wondered that myself; our gate here does not have one. But Mr. Scruffy believes that Dorukan must have feared that there might be something worse than the loss of one of the gates. It is possible that someone could learn to harness the power of the Snarl, perhaps releasing it under more controlled circumstances, with the proper magic. Mr. Scruffy further hypothesizes that the gates may actually enable such a plan by defusing the Snarl’s energy. If only one gate was destroyed, it could, in time, be rebuilt. But if that gate were to be opened and the Snarl controlled, it would mean a new age of darkness for the universe. Mr. Scruffy believes that this is why Dorukan saw fit to include an easy way to destroy his gate, should it be threatened.
Celia:Roy, quick- when you knocked off Xykon, were there any of his lieutenants that got away?
Roy: Sure, some goblin in a red cloak. I didn’t catch his name, though.
Celia:Then that’s our new defense. When Elan blew up the gate, it wasn’t just an accidental goof up-
Roy: He was keeping the gate from falling into the wrong hands! Well, falling further into the… wronger hands, I guess. Celia, that just might work. You don’t think it’s going to be a big problem that Elan wasn’t actually intending to keep the gate safe by destroying it?
Celia:Roy, Elan didn’t intend to weaken the fabric of the universe, it was an accident. But here you are, on trial. I say, if intent doesn’t matter, let it not matter in our favor!
Roy: So now we’re pleading “Not Guilty by Virtue of Two Wrongs Make a Right.”
Celia:Hey, I don’t make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose.
Roy: You’re going to do very well in your chosen field, Celia.

Spoiler: Strip 279

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No Soup for You
Bald Chef, Other Chef, Belkar

<sfx> thunk. schlash! swish!
Bald Chef: I don’t know about your new recipe. It’s not bad, but it’s just missing… something. What do you call it?
<sfx> SPLOOSH!
Other Chef: “Halfling Drop Soup.”
Belkar: Needs pepper.

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The Boot
Durkon, Celia, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez, Elan, Roy

Durkon: … an’ then tha goblins led us through tha hills to tha dungeon.
(D): … an’ then the goblins led us through the hills to the dungeon.
Celia:What was your purpose in that dungeon?
Durkon: Well, we were thar ta beat Xykon, a right nasty lich.
(D): Well, we were there to beat Xykon, a really nasty lich.
Celia:And when you say “beat,” what do you mean by that?
Durkon: Well, uh, ta destroy ‘im. An’ ta wreck whatever plans he be… plannin’.
(D): Well, uh, to destroy him. And to wreck whatever plans he might be… planning.
Mr. Jones: Ah, I see where she’s going. A classic Unlikely Heroes defense. We might have some success citing precedent. Get me the case files for Sauron v. Baggins, Takhisis v. Everman, and… Riddle v. Board of Education.
Mr. Rodriguez: How about Witch v. Gale?
Mr. Jones: Hmmmm. Yeah, OK, but East, not West.
Mr. Rodriguez: Should we use the giant boot?
Mr. Jones: I’m not sure that- Wait, did you just say “giant boot”?
Mr. Rodriguez: Sure! The Comedically Large Boot! It never fails at trial.
Mr. Jones: Considering that your oversized footwear has no connection to any of the facts of this case, I think it’s due.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aw, c’mon, it’s so distracting, who could possibly form a defense against it? “Look at me, I’m a big giant boot! Wooooo!” Plus, you can use it in your closing argument. “If the boot doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
Mr. Jones: Putting aside for the moment that that particular joke has been done to death, we’re the prosecution, Phil. We don’t WANT an acquittal.
Mr. Rodriguez: Oh.
Mr. Jones: Now get out of that thing and help me get ready for cross-examination.
Elan: You could change it to, “If by the boot you’ve been kicked, you must convict.”
Mr. Rodriguez: Sweet! Thanks!
Roy: Elan! What have I told you about assisting the enemy with their rhyming scheme?
Elan: Sigh. “If you help with their verse, you’ll just make things worse.”
Roy: Exactly.

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Get the Lead Out
Miko, Belkar

Miko: Hiding in Lord Shojo’s garden this time, coward? Aha! I’ve got you this time. And just to be sure… Detect Evil! The lead sheet? Ba! It doesn’t matter now, it didn’t prevent me from finding you.
Belkar: True. Luckily, it’s a multipurpose sheet.
Miko: What possible other purpose could a big lead-
<sfx> WANG!
Belkar: Oh man, it was TOTALLY worth lugging that thing around, Small-sized penalties to carrying capacity or not! Now get up so I can-- Huh. Well, crap. Now THAT’S not going to be any fun, is it? Hey, Miko, you don’t mind if I drink this potion of Cure Critical Wounds I found on you that you were clearly saving, right? Thanks. BORED! Hey, wake up, Snow White! It’s me, the 8th dwarf, “Stabby”.
<sfx> bonk!
Miko: …whuh?
Belkar: Prince Charming ain’t coming, get your fat ass up already.
Miko: You may have stunned me momentarily, but I’ll never die that easily!
Belkar: Less talk, more standing up, please. See, this is more like it.
Miko: What did you say?
Belkar: I said, “I’m looking forward to cutting out your pancreas, you fascist cow.”

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 282 to 301
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
Previous Page | Index | Next Book

Spoiler: Strip 282

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Closing Arguments
Celia, Roy, Elan, Mr. Jones, Vaarsuvius

Celia: One last question. If you knew then what you know now--about the gates and what they do--would you have tried to prevent Elan from touching that magic rune?
Roy: Well… no. even though I scolded him for it at the time, I now fully believe that Xykon’s minions were capable of carrying out his plan for the gate. As alien as it sounds to my ears, Elan did the great thing, in my opinion.
Celia:Thank you, Mr. Greenhilt. The defense rests, Your Honor.
Elan: Yay! You did really well, Roy!
Roy: I’m sure I would have done even better if SOMEONE hadn’t been whispering, “Testify, testify, testify, testify on our own behalf,” the whole time.
Celia:Shhhh! Mr. Jones is starting his closing argument.
Roy: No singing.
Mr. Jones: There is only one fact that needs to be considered in this trial: Did the human known as Elan destroy Dorukan’s Gate and did his allies aid him-intentional or not- in doing so? The answer is simple. Yes, he did and yes, they did. The defense will attempt to obfuscate the simplicity of this answer with a lot of talk about heroism and such, but this is a court of law, not a bardic poem. Whether or not it was ultimately beneficial, the law is clear: weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying one of the gates is a crime in the eyes of the gods who give the Sapphire Guard their holy power. It is not the place for a mortal to supercede divine law and take matters into their own hands. The gods have wisdom and understanding beyond what you and I can possibly grasp, and if they didn’t want the Sapphire Guard to bring these perpetrators to justice, wouldn’t they have revoked the divine powers granted to the arresting officer? We can easily interpret their will by observing that they have not yet seen fit to do so. For that matter, if Dorukan’s Gate needed to be destroyed, as the defense will no doubt claim, could not the gods have done so themselves? The gods have spoken through their silence: the Sapphire Guard is in the right, and the Order of the Stick is not. The gods you serve are Lawful and Good, by their very definition; their will can never be anything BUT Lawful and Good. Follow their guidance, then, and convict the defendants. All we ask is that the laws that exist be enforced. They did the crime, let them do the time. Thank you.
Celia:Did my client activate the Self-Destruct Rune on Dorukan’s Gate? Yes. We have never disputed this fact, despite what the prosecution would have you believe. But would there BE a Self-Destruct Rune on the gate in the first place if there weren’t circumstances that warranted its use? When Elan destroyed the gate, he was doing the right thing- whether or not he knew it at the time- to keep it from being further exploited by Xykon’s goblin henchmen. We live in a world of black and white morality; this is something we all know. But I ask you, who ever said black is always wrong and white is always right? Our alignments are not rigid and unyielding codes of conduct – no, not even a Lawful alignment. They are goals for ourselves. Standards we hope in our hearts that we can achieve. Failing them does not mean invalidate the choice we made to attempt to live within the bounds of that alignment; it just means we must try that much harder next time. This court clearly operators under the Lawful Good point-of-view, but that does not mean it is required to blindly label my client’s Chaotic act as a crime. You have an opportunity, right here and now, to correct the mistake that was made in charging my clients. Lawful Good does not mean a strict adherence to meaningless laws, even at the expense of safety. It acknowledges the possibility of bad laws. A Lawful Good authority such as this court needs to constantly evaluate whether or not a law supports the greater good. If it does not, it should be stricken from the record or revised. I therefore purpose that any prohibition against destroying the gate is subservient to the greater good of the safely and wellbeing of the inhabitants of the universe. It’s not going to make you any less Lawful Good to admit that the law-however well intended- did not take all of the possibilities into account when it was handed down. You alignment does not make you immune to mistakes, and making mistakes will not cause you to change alignments. The distinction between intent and action is the foundation of the law. The criteria for punishment is not what you were thinking, but what actions you took. And Elan took a heroic and desperately needed action when he destroyed that gate, despite having absolutely no capacity to understand that fact. Yes, he weakened the fabric of the universe. And if he hadn’t, we might all be speaking Goblin now. Or worse, the universe may have come to an end altogether. There are people who claim alignments are archaic and limiting; that they restrict possible personalities and lead to inherently unsolvable conflicts. Please, prove them wrong. Prove that even in a system of objective Good and Evil, there is still room for nuance and exception. Prove that Lawful can sometimes be wrong for all the right reasons, and Chaotic can sometimes be right for all the wrong reasons. Prove that the alignment system works, and find my clients not guilty. Thank you.
Elan: Amazing! Don’t you think Celia did a good job?
Vaarsuvius: Meh. I found her argument too brief for my taste.

Spoiler: Strip 283

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Rock the Vote
Roy, Celia, Elan, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy, Eugene (disguised as Being of Pure Law and Good)

Roy: Great job, Celia. I think you nailed it.
Celia:Thanks. I just hope it’s enough.
Roy: Well, if it’s not, you should really know that I really appreciate all that you’ve done for us here. We wouldn’t have had a chance without you.
Celia:Thanks, Roy. That means a lot to me.
Elan: Wow, they both made such persuasive arguments. It’s going to be tough to decide who to vote for.
Roy: Who to…vote…for…? Elan, this is a criminal court, not American Idol! We’re the ones on trial here! We don’t get to- You know what? You’re absolutely right, it IS going to be tough to decide who to vote for. That’s why you should think very carefully and then write down your vote on a piece of paper, which you should then give to the white cat.
Elan: Yay! I’m part of the democratic process!
Roy: What? Don’t give me that look. You’re the one who started the whole, “Let’s not tell Elan uncomfortable truths,” thing. I just can’t bear to tell him he has no power to decide his own fate now.
Shojo: Ahem. Oh Mighty Being of Pure Law and Good! You have heard the arguments on both sides of the case. Are you prepared to render your verdict?
Elan: Here you go!
Mr. Scruffy:Meow?
Eugene: I am. On behalf of the Upper Planes and the cosmic forces of Law and Good, I find the Order of the Stick to be-
Elan: Awww, man! I hate weekend cliffhangers!
Roy: Well, if you hadn’t decided to speak in the last panel, we’d have known by now!

Spoiler: Strip 284

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Shattered Expectations
Eugene (disguised as Being of Pure Law and Good), Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Celia, Shojo, Hinjo, Miko

Eugene: Not Guilty.
Roy: Well, guys, it’s been an honor to work with you, and I guess I may see some of you in whatever afterlife- … Wait, did he just say NOT Guilty?
Elan: Hooray!
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding.
Haley: Zktv?
(H): What?
Eugene: By virtue of it having been strictly necessary at the time, the Order of the Stick is hereby cleared of all charges.
Roy: Hmm. Go figure. I had pretty much given up on there being any justice at this farce of a trial, but I guess I was being too cynical.
Haley: Fx, ztbv, vktv aupqbev qxusf’v ntou sufsu. Wtzs qxf’v zxpo vktv ztd.
(H): No, wait, that verdict doesn’t make sense. Laws don’t work that way.
Celia: Wheee! I won! I won my first case!
Roy: Ha ha!
Haley: B’au suuf ufxlck xi nd Vkbuaus’ Clbwq ipbufqs sufv vx jpbsxf vx ofxz vktv vkbs skxlwq ktau huuf t exfabevbxf.
(H): I’ve seen enough of my Thieves’ Guild friends sent to prison to know that this should have been a conviction.
Shojo: Thank you, Being of Pure Law and Good, for your service in this matter. Hinjo, please retrieve the Order of the Stick’s weapons. They are free to go.
Hinjo: Yes, Lord Shojo.
Shojo: And Hinjo… Why do I have a piece of paper on my lap that says, “Meow”?
Elan: <whispering> I didn’t know if Mr. Scruffy could read Common.
Roy: I’m going to make a radical suggestion here and propose we leave this awful place and never return.
Vaarsuvius: I second your motion.
Haley: Hlv… hlv bv qxusf’v ntou tfd sufsu!
(H): But… but it doesn’t make any sense!
Elan: Ummmm, Haley? Are you OK there?
Haley: Fx! B’n fxv XO, vkbs zkxwu vpbtw ntqu FX SUFSU! Zu ZUPU clbwvd! Bv skxlwq ktau huuf t clbwvd aupqbev! B etf lfqupsvtfq bi vkud ztfvuq vx puqleu vku sufvufeu qlu vx vku ebpelnsvtfeus, hlv bv skxlwq ktau svbww huuf t clbwvd aupqbev.
(H): No! I’m not OK, this whole trial made NO SENSE! We WERE guilty! It should have been a guilty verdict! I can understand if they wanted to reduce the sentence due to the circumstances, but it should have still been a guilty verdict.
Elan: I guess you’re upset? Did you vote for the other guy?
Haley: Xk, fuaup nbfq. B qxf’v ofxz zkd B’n hxvkupbfc.
(H): Oh, never mind. I don’t know why I’m bothering.
Elan: It’s tough to tell if you’re mad at me. I mean, you LOOK mad, but looks can be deceiving.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt? Mr. Scruffy would look to have a word with you before you leave.
Roy: Yeah? Well Mr. Scruffy can shove it up his fuzzy little-
Haley: Ztbv- Uwtf, zktv qbq dxl rlsv std?
(H): Wait- Elan, what did you just say?
Elan: I understand, though. I’m kinda bummed out too. All that time spent on the trial, and what a let down. I mean, they call that a climax? “Not Guilty, thanks, now leave”?
Haley: Xk nd cxqs, Uwtf! Vktv’s bv! Uwtf, dxl’pu t cudblus!
(H): Oh my gods, Elan! That’s it! Elan, you’re a genius!
Elan: That’s not a climax!
<sfx> CEEESH!
Miko: Time to DIE, evildoer!
Elan: See that? THAT’S a climax!

Spoiler: Strip 285

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A Moment of Truth
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Roy, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Shojo

Belkar: <whispering> Do it…C’mon, do it…
Vaarsuvius: Scorching Ray! Belkar is a horrible, loathesome, supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavorably to that of a table. And yet I find I still prefer him to you.
Miko: Do not interfere in that which is none of your concern, elf!
Roy: Oh yeah? Well, I’m pretty sure it IS my concern…I’m his leader. You want him, you’ll have to go through me.
Miko: You call yourself Lawful Good and yet you defend him?
Roy: Not everything is about Good and Evil, Miko. In this case, it’s about loyalty. I learned in Fighter College that a good commander doesn’t abandon one of his people in the face of the enemy. And Belkar IS one of my people. He’s had numerous opportunities to turn on us in battle and has never done so. Despite the fact that if he had sided with our foes, he could have probably beaten us and then looted our corpses for our magical items.
Belkar: Hey, that’s a good idea…
Roy: You’re not helping. Face it, Miko: Belkar is a member of the Order of the Stick, and you are not-and never will be.
Elan: Yeah! You big meanie!
Haley: Rst azq’e tqmgowezqm kg, ws hge kg xtwe wzr efze rst’og z couyum lueaf zqd rsto efuyfw hssp cze uq efze zokso.
(H): You can’t understand me, so let me just say that you’re a frigid bitch and your thighs look fat in that armor.
Miko: And you, Durkon? Do you stand against me now as well?
Durkon: Na unless ye force me ta. Think, lass. This cannae be wha Thor wanted. Let thar be no more death taday.
(D): No unless you force me to. Think, lass. This cannot be what Thor wanted. Let there be no more death today.
Miko: Very well. If enemies you wish to be, than I simply have to crush you all a third time before exacting justice on the halfling. Make peace with your gods, Northerners.
Shojo: STOP! Miko Miyazaki, the orders I gave you were to deliver this halfling to my audience chamber. You have now done so successfully, despite great difficulty. For this, I commend your efforts. I now request that you retire to your quarters and await further orders.
Miko: Master, the halfling killed one of our guards in cold blood. He must be punished.
Shojo: Then he will be taken into custody and tried, lawfully, on those charges.
Miko: As you command, Master. You are my rightful liege, I obey your wishes. For I am a paladin… whether any of YOU like it or not. But mark my words: This act of defiance has sealed your fate. You will suffer a great loss for choosing Evil over Good. This I swear. Holy justice will be served, in due time. I only pray that the Twelve Gods allow it to be my hand that strikes the final blow, so that I might feel your warm sin-stained blood spilled rightfully on the cold hard ground.
Elan: Whew! And here I thought she was going to be upset!

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A Minor Glitch
Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Hey V, before they bring me back to jail, I just wanted-
Vaarsuvius: There is no need.
Belkar: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: I know that neither of us excels at social situations, so suffice to say that I accept your thanks for saving you from Miko.
Belkar: My…thanks?? Are you kidding me?? You ruined everything!! All that work to push her over the edge, and you interrupt it right before she finally snaps! I guess I can always start over, but so much work wasted!
Vaarsuvius: Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I thought she was going to kill you!
Belkar: No one pays you to think, Ears.
Vaarsuvius: …They actually pay me to do nothing BUT think, you moron!
Belkar: Look, last time I checked the cleric spell list, Raise Dead was a 5th-level spell. Durkon can cast it like 3-4 times a day. And he’d do it, too, because he’s a sucker. I mean, he just healed me up for free. But losing your paladinhood through your own willful actions? Do you have any idea how hard that is to reverse? Goodbye, Miko the Paladin- hello, Miko the Fighter-Without-Bonus-Feats. It would have been HILARIOUS.
Vaarsuvius: I see. And how would your cunning master plan have accounted for the fact that Durkon would have required 5000 gp worth of diamonds as a material component to power the Raise Dead spell? Diamonds, I hasten to add, that he does not, in fact, possess?
Belkar: Well, uh… Obviously, I would have…SHUT UP!
Vaarsuvius: I think I many owe the tables of the world an apology…

Spoiler: Strip 287

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Paladins Make Good Tour Guides
Belkar, Celia, Roy, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Jones, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Belkar: Hey, Sweetwings, so what time are you coming down to discuss my defense strategy?
Celia:Hmmm, I’m not sure, I’ll surprise you. The surprise being, of course, that I’m not going to be defending him.
Roy: Heh. So, does that mean you’re heading back to school right away?
Celia:I’m in no rush. Class doesn’t resume until next week.
Mr. Rodriguez: I’m sorry you lost the case, Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones: Actually, I’m fairly certain the transcript will show that Phil Rodriguez was the lawyer of record for this trial.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aww, man! That means my record will fall to 0-147.
Mr. Jones: Naturally, I remain perfect at 5-0.
Hinjo: See? I knew everything would work out OK.
Vaarsuvius: “OK”? I do not see how being made to stand trial for a capital crime ever constitutes “OK”.
Hinjo: Yeah, but the point is that the legal system worked. You were acquitted of all charges.
Roy: Wow, Hinjo, you should work for the tourism board. “Come to sunny Azure City: You’ll be found innocent-eventually!”
Hinjo: Hey, don’t blame the whole city for what the Sapphire Guard did to you. Most people who live here don’t even know we exist. (Which, incidentally, makes it awfully difficult to redeem these “Sapphire Guard discount coupons” my uncle keeps giving us.) Look, I know a great inn, away from the castle. Let me pay for your room tonight, and tomorrow I’ll show you around the city.
Roy: Hmmm, I don’t know…
Elan: Please, Roy? Can we please? Can we? Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeease?
Roy: OK, you can go with Hinjo.
Elan: Wooo!! We’re going to see the city!! We’re going to see the city!! I wanna see the sailboats! Can I see the sailboats? Ooo, and I wanna see the gardens, and the stores, and the big fountain things. And do you guys have a theater? I really wanna see a theater too. And the candy stores. Can I have a lollipop?
Roy: I consider this my token revenge for our incarceration.

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First Word...
Shojo, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Shojo: Uh, Mr. Greenhilt? I’d like to-
Roy: What the-- Haley, get out of my way.
Vaarsuvius: Expeditious Retreat!
Roy: Haley, seriously, don’t make me Bull Rush you here. I’m not in the mood and I can’t really remember the rules. What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s trapped in a well? Sigh. OK. So, you’re pointing… at the moron with the cat. And now you’re pointing at your hair. Shojo’s hair? No, your head. Shojo’s head? Shojo’s liver spots? Shojo’s brain? Brain? Shojo’s brain! OK, next word is… fat? Shojo is a fathead? No. Uh… round? Big? Big, OK. Hey, this is kinda fun. OK, so “Shojo brain big,” what’s next? Eyes? No. Two? Sight? Gaze? Gaze attack! Shojo has a gaze attack that causes encephalitis! What? It was a reasonable guess. OK, fine, uh, eyes? Eyeballs, glance, look- Look? That’s it, “look”? “Shojo big brain look.” Hmm, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain- “Shojo is smarter than he looks”?
Shojo: I’m glad you figured that out before I advanced another age category, Mr. Greenhilt.

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Senility Now!
Shojo, Roy, Ninja

Shojo: Your second-in command, despite apparently not speaking Common, is as astute as she is lovely. I’m afraid I have been pulling the proverbial wool over your eyes. Why don’t we speak on the balcony? I find my legs get so tired these days from sitting on that throne for hours. Also, we can finally turn the spotlights off.
Roy: When did he become sane?
Shojo: I apologize for the “Mr. Scruffy” deception. You see, while you have only seen clerics and paladins, I can assure you Azure City has a very active noble class. Any number of whom might feel they could profit from my demise.
<flashback>
Shoko: <voiceover> A few years ago, I narrowly escaped an assassination attempt- one that resulted from an unpopular edict I had issued.
Ninja: THIS is what we think of Meat Loaf Day!
<end flashback>
Shojo: Ever since that day, I have found it easier to let them believe that I am senile and easily swayed. When I rule in their favor, they assume that they controlled me. When I rule against them, they assume one of their rival nobles controlled me. I can make the decisions I feel are necessary without worrying about being killed over them.
Roy: And no one knows?
Shojo: No one.
Roy: Why are you telling me this, then?
Shojo: Because I have some things to say to you, and some things to ask you, and I want you to take me seriously.
Roy: Well gosh, letting me know that you’re apparently a very skillful liar is definitely a step in the right direction. Doesn’t seem exactly paladinish of you, either.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt, I am the commander of the paladins of the Sapphire Guard by virtue of my inheritance, not merit. In other words, I command the paladins. I have never claimed to be one.
Roy: Wait, you’re not a paladin??
Shojo: Technically, I’m a 14th level aristocrat. Heck, I’m not even Lawful!
Roy: So you’re telling me… this whole time… this whole trial, I’ve been fooled…I’ve been fooled by someone…by someone with…with…
Shojo: By someone with an NPC class, I’m afraid so.
Roy: I feel dirty inside.

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Shojo's Big Secret
Roy, Shojo, Female Paladin, Male Paladin, Miko, Eugene

Roy: So even the paladins don’t know about your ruse?
Shojo: No. It allows me to occasionally engage in behavior they might not tolerate in their liege. It worked well, actually, right until Dorukan’s Gate was destroyed. I knew nothing of this lich of yours, but when my diviners told me of the explosion, I feared for the integrity of the Snarl’s prison. With two of the gates gone. I felt-
Roy: Hold on, “two”? What happened to the other?
<flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Lirian’s gate was destroyed in a fire many years ago, and she vanished. I sent paladins, but they found nothing conclusive.
Female paladin: So… got ranks in Search?
Male Paladin:No. You?
Female paladin: No.
Male Paladin:Darn.
<arrow text> Goblin footprints. Piece of a red cloak.
<end flashback>
Shojo: Anyway, with two gates lost, I felt that the safety of the remaining gates was in jeopardy. But that left me with a conundrum: The only servants in my employ that I could trust with the locations of the gates of Girard and Kraagor were my paladins. But each and every paladin had sworn an oath to never interfere with those same gates! I, too, swore the oath when I assumed command of the Sapphire Guard, but I feel it is foolish to risk universal destruction for a promise to people I’ve never met. The paladins feel differently. Without concrete evidence of a threat to all of the gates, they wouldn’t consider checking on the other two. What I needed was someone who could go out, look in on the other gates, and report back to me. I couldn’t send anyone in the Sapphire Guard - or even let them know I was doing it.
Roy: I fail to see what this has to do with me. Or rather, I am beginning to see, but I’m hoping I’m totally wrong.
Shojo: You might want to begin to prepare yourself for disappointment.
Roy: Crap.
Shojo: When I learned about your party of adventurers, I saw an opportunity. Your group already knew about the gates - or so I assumed at the time – and was not hampered by Soon’s oath. You were exactly what I needed. I sent my most powerful paladin to the North to collect you. I couldn’t tell her why I had to speak to you, though, so I invoked criminal charges. I knew you were innocent of any true wrongdoing, even if you were technically guilty of “weakening the fabric of the universe.” But the charges would get you down here so we could talk. I believed that I could give you a trial that would appear legitimate to the paladins, even if I had to manipulate the outcome.
Roy: Wait. Wait right there. You knew--KNEW--that the whole thing was an accident, and you sent that bitch to drag us back here in chains?
Shojo: Yes, but I believed it was for the greater good.
<flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Miko has a tendency to be a bit…overzealous in bringing criminals to justice.
Miko: My blades will be bathed in the blood of those responsible.
Shojo: Uh, actually, Mr. Scruffy says that you should try hard to bring them back alive for trial.
Miko: Sigh. As your cat wishes, Master, if it is possible.
<end flashback>
Roy: So everything we’re been through-been captured, abused, imprisoned, tried -- was all so you could offer me a JOB without your paladin buddies knowing?
Shojo: I suppose, yes.
Roy: So, what placing a classified ad didn’t have the right undertone of personal violation for you? I’m sure this whole Snarl thing completely justifies what you did to us, at least in your mind, but I can’t see any reason why I would EVER want to work for you. Assuming I had any reason to think this wasn’t just another lie. There’s no reason to believe a thing you say. As someone once said to me, “I just don’t trust you enough to believe you lied.” For example: you just told me that you didn’t learn any information from Lirian’s Gate… but you now claim to have known about us before you unleashed Miko. So which one is the lie?
Shojo: A very good question. The gods smiled on me the day your bard blew up Dorukan’s Gate. They sent me a being from the Upper Planes, who told me everything I needed to know about you and your party. He has continued to advise me ever since.
Eugene: What? You were maybe expecting Patrick Swayze?

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Not to Mention Little League
Eugene, Roy, Haley

Eugene: …of course, I’m pretty good at that “dirty dancing,” so I see how you could be confused…
Roy: DAD?!?
Haley: F dxaqgxd oaq cbfr oaqi rbr pbc rlbr?
(H): I thought you said your dad was dead?
Roy: You were the “Being of Pure Law and Good” all along? How…?
Eugene: Good gods, boy, has being a fighter dulled your wits so much that you’ve forgotten my specialty? Illusions! I’ve have you know that I was named Best Illusionist of the Year three times by the Wizze Awards by the time I was your age.
Roy: Gee, dad, I had no idea. It’s not like the trophies were enshrined in our front hallway or anything.
Eugene: You should have seen your face when you heard the big red angel voice! Ahem: No mercy! Kill! KILL! Priceless!
Roy: It’s reassuring to know that you haven’t decided to spontaneously start taking my feelings into account during your absence.
Eugene: Oh, relax. I was just having some fun with you. Look, I didn’t WANT to drag this Shojo guy into our family business. I had better things to do. (Like Violet, for example. Heh.)
Roy: Ugh, Dad!
Eugene: But you didn’t give me much choice! Maybe if you took the time to fix what you’d broken, I wouldn’t have need to.
Roy: Huh??
Eugene: The sword, Roy, the sword. You know, our family heirloom? What, you think I can just pop in and talk to anyone? What kind of afterlife do you think they’re running here?
Roy: Dad, just slow down and explain exactly what you’re saying.
Eugene: Sigh. I weep for your dying grey matter. OK, here it goes: The Greenhilt sword, the symbol of our family-the sword you’re carrying around right now-is the metaphysical link that allows me to appear to you in spectral form. Once it was broken, I couldn’t manifest freely anymore, and was bound by all the normal rules for dead spirits.
Roy: So that’s why you haven’t shown up for all these months?
Eugene: Yes! Of course!
Roy: I see… And this isn’t like that time you missed my 7th grade school play?
Eugene: I told you. I was on the Astral Plane on business! Let it drop!

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Non-startling Revelations
Roy, Eugene, Flumph, Tony, Shojo

Roy: That still doesn’t explain how you got mixed up with Shojo.
Eugene: Don’t get your codpiece in a knot, I’m not done yet.
<flashback>
Eugene: <voiceover> I tried to appear to you after you blew up the castle, but with the sword broken, I was out of luck. You couldn’t see or hear me.
Flumph: Why isn’t anyone calling a cleric?
Eugene: <voiceover> I did, however, spot a scrying sensor that was examining the wreckage, and was able to trace it back to the diviners of Azure City.
Eugene: Detect Scrying!
Eugene: <voiceover> Moments later, I sensed Shojo’s clerics attempting to summon a celestial to dispense advice, so I high tailed it back to the Upper Planes and… intervened.
Eugene: Nothing personal, Tony!
Tony: Mmmph!
Eugene: <voiceover> Shojo and I consulted, and we hatched a plan to get you down here to the South so we both could talk to you-without tipping off those pesky paladins.
Shojo: Deal?
Eugene: I can’t shake hands, I’m incorporeal.
<end flashback>
Eugene: I’ve been stuck here ever since, unfortunately. I can’t leave the circle… and if I return to the Upper Planes, I’m pretty sure they won’t let me respond to any more summoning spells for a while.
Roy: Wow… so you went through all that trouble just so you could talk to me and congratulate me on defeating Xykon and fulfilling your oath? You really do care…
Eugene: Congratulate? I’m not here to congratulate you, you numbskull! You screwed up! Not that I should have expected differently from a fighter.
Roy: Excuse me??
Eugene: Xykon is alive!!
Roy: What??
Eugene: Well, I don’t mean actually alive. Technically, he’s still dead, just not, you know, DEAD-dead. He’s undead, right, so he’s up and moving around, even though he’s still life signs: negative. But it’s not like he just spontaneously came back to life. I mean, he DID come back spontaneously, but back to, uh, undeath, I suppose.
Roy: Just curious, do you get XP for killing this dramatic moment?

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This is Getting to Be a Habit...
Roy, Eugene

Roy: Xykon is alive??
Eugene: Well, technically-
Roy: Don’t. How is that possible?
Eugene: He’s got a thingmajabber that holds his soul in place when his body gets destroyed. After a while, it grows him a new one to inhabit. I saw his lackeys escape, so the smart money says he’s back by now. The deal I made with Shojo was if he gets you down here, I would get you to work for him. This gate thing of his is the perfect way to find the miserable cretin and destroy him. Only, you know, for REAL this time.
Roy: Yeah? Well, I think there might be a flaw in your plan, Dad, because… Well, because screw you.
Eugene: What??
Roy: I would love to say that I couldn’t believe that my own father would mess with my life like this, to the point of getting me imprisoned and nearly killed-but I know better. You’re exactly selfish enough to do this to your own son, just to quench your own thirst for vengeance. You can’t even pretend you did all of this for the greater good, because you didn’t even know about the gates until Shojo told you.
Eugene: Now wait just a-
Roy: ZIP IT! Everything about this has disaster written all over it. Shojo can’t be trusted. You certainly can’t be trusted. This whole “job offer” stinks worse than an otyugh covered in sauerkraut on a hot day. And yet, I’m going to accept it anyway. As much as I loathe how you’ve manipulated my friends and me, Xykon is an actual threat. I’m not going to sit and let him get away with whatever he’s got planned just because my father happens to be a self-absorbed arrogant jerk. There are too many lives at stake. I just want you, personally, to know: If it weren’t for the threat to the entire world, I would tell you to shove your “blood oath” against Xykon up your wrinkled incorporeal ass.

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Contracts, Shmontracts
Roy, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Roy: …and when we were done negotiating terms with Shojo, we came to find you guys. Now here’s the thing: According to these contracts that you all signed when I first hired you, you’re all bound to assist me until Xykon is defeated “once and for all.”
Elan: <whispering> Pssst! Who’s the guy in blue? A paladin?
Durkon: <whispering> I dinnae know.
(D): I don’t know.
Roy: So I don’t actual need to ask for your help you’re contractually obligated to follow me from now on.
Elan: OK, so, when do we leave to--
<sfx> RIP!
Roy: Forget the contracts. They’re null and void as a Second Edition sourcebook, as of right now.
Durkon: Hmm?
Elan: I don’t get it.
<sfx> RIP!
Roy: The last thing I want is to be like Shojo, twisting legal authority into coercion. If I use these contracts to force you to join me, I’m no better than he is. And if I keep tricking some of you into joining me, I’m no better than my father.
<sfx> rip! rip! rip! rip!
Roy: I’m going after Xykon, and I’m going to milk Shojo for every last resource I can to do it. You’re all free to join me or not, as you wish.
Durkon: Count me in, lad.
Elan: I wanna go too!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, I believe I will accompany you as well.
Roy: Great! One more thing though… We’re going to have an addition to the party, beyond the five of us… See, when I was discussing terms with Shojo, it became clear to me that I was holding all of the cards… And as luck would have it, one of those cards read, “Get Out of Jail Free”.
Elan & Durkon: Belkar!?
Belkar: Call me “paladin” again and I’ll punch you in the face Blondie. Actually, I may punch you in the face anyway, just for the novelty of being able to reach…

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Belkar Leashed
Durkon, Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Illusory Belkar, Joemin the Guard, Other Guard

Durkon: Ye got Belkar released? Have ye gone daft??
(D): You got Belkar released? Have you gone insane??
Belkar: Hey, and a happy “Good Morning” to you, too, loser.
Roy: Not released, per se… More like, “out on bail”. He’ll still be tried for killing that guard, but I was able to convince Shojo that it was in his best interest to schedule that trial for a later date. Like, for example, the week AFTER we finish Xykon. Until then, he’s been remanded to my custody, and his split of the treasure will go towards paying for the guard to be raised.
Durkon: Aren’t ye afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in tha next 10 minutes?
(D): Aren’t you afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in the next 10 minutes?
Roy: I have a little mystical help there, actually. Vaarsuvius, do me a favor. Come over here and scan Belkar for magic.
Vaarsuvius: Detect Magic!
Roy: See the blue rune on his forehead? It’s called the “Mark of Justice”, and it’ll be there until his trial.
Belkar: They couldn’t have put it on my arm or something, no. That would be too easy.
Roy: The mark is powerful curse that stays dormant-unless Belkar violates the terms of his release.
Vaarsuvius: And what constitutes those terms, precisely?
Roy: One, he can’t deal lethal damage to any living creature within the bounds of any city, town, or village. Two, he can’t ever be more than one mile from my position. And three, he can’t piss me off too bad, because I have a command word that can activate it. If the curse is activated, he’ll get sicker and sicker until he’ll be incapable of hurting anyone. It’s the perfect deterrent.
Belkar: I just want it to go on the record that I can still know someone’s teeth out with nonlethal damage, so no one get ideas or anything.
Vaarsuvius: Perish the thought.
Elan: Wow, Roy, Miko is sure going to flip when she hears that Belkar’s been released.
Roy: Actually, uh, we’re going to keep this little arrangement here to ourselves. In order to keep his paladins from going nuts, Shojo isn’t telling anyone about this deal. Belkar has to keep the cloak and stilts on as a disguse while in Azure City.
Elan: Isn’t someone going to notice that Belkar’s missing from his cell?
Roy: Shojo talked my dear father into providing a permanent illusion to cover things up… He’s said to be indistinguishable from the real Belkar.
Illusory Belkar: Generic comment questioning your parentage.
Joemin the Guard: Oh, that is IT! I have had it with this guy’s trash talk!
Guard: Calm down, Joemin, he’s just trying to get you riled up.
Illusory Belkar: Mumbled statement disparaging your masculinity.

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Boons
Elan, Durkon, Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Elan: OK, gotta go! Hinjo is waiting for me outside!
Durkon: Aye, I need to buy me some scrolls meself.
(D): Yeah, I need to but some scrolls myself.
Roy: Wait, guys. Before you all run off to explore the city, I’ve got good news for you. Belkar isn’t the only one I helped. In fact, I demanded one favor from Shojo for each of us. Shojo’s best clerics are going to examine Haley and try to figure out how to get her voice back.
Haley: Fgxwhlg gdga Y’j lyxh sz otwwlpwoyak ouglg ouyakl.
(H): Because even I’m sick of translating these things.
Roy: Vaarsuvius, I got you access to the library of Shojo’s personal wizard. You can copy as many spells as you like for free.
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding. Like an ideal gas, my arcane power shall expand to fill the vessel in which it is contained.
Roy: Durkon, I got Shojo to agree to send a messenger north to the dwarven homelands-specifically to the High Priest of Thor. He’ll carry a letter you write and will wait for a response. With luck, by the time we defeat Xykon, you’ll have permission to return home.
Durkon: …Bless ye, lad.
(D): …Thank you, lad.
Roy: Elan, I didn’t really know what to request for you, so I got you this.
Elan: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! It’s- A gift certificate?
Roy: Good for one favor from Lord Shojo.
Belkar: Wow, I guess it’s the lack of thought that counts.
Elan: Thanks, Roy! What favor did you get for yourself?
Roy: I decided to share mine, actually. She’s a very special lady, in need of some tender loving care. I like to think of her as the seventh member of the team, really. She worked so hard helping me out, and she’s long overdue for her reward. In fact, I’m going now to give it to her. Later!
Elan: Awwww, that’s sweet. He must be talking about Celia.
Roy: Don’t worry, baby, we’re going to have you fixed up in no time.
<sign text> Master Swordsmith.

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Sword Speak
Roy, Azurite Blacksmith

Roy: You’re saying there is no starmetal in my sword.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: None.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: Not even a little?
Azurite Blacksmith: Your sword was fashioned entirely of everyday terrestrial steel, sir.
Roy: Why would that dwarf lie to me?
Azurite Blacksmith: I am a forger of swords, sir, not a speculator on dwarven motives for falsehood.
Roy: Well… I guess THIS won’t be of much sue to me.
Azurite Blacksmith: By Monkey’s tail! I have never seen such a bounty of starmetal! It would be an honor to reforge your blade as a starmetal sword, sir.
Roy: But… there’s not enough metal here for that!
Azurite Blacksmith: Sir, a blade that size made of pure starmetal would weigh 300 pounds and require the use of all of the starmetal that has ever fallen from the sky, ever. Most of ti does tend to burn up in the atmosphere, you know. An alloy of starmetal with your sword’s original steel would make a potent weapon, however.
Roy: How potent?
Azurite Blacksmith: I estimate a 25% increase in attack accuracy, with a corresponding enchantment to damage.
Roy: It’s OK, you can just say “+5 sword” here. We do stuff like that all the time.
Azurite Blacksmith: Oh. Then yes, a +5 sword. After the forging is complete, though, you may notice one…side effect.
Roy: Fantastic. Because, you know, nothing can ever be just randomly positive.
Azurite Blacksmith: It is likely your sword will sometimes glow with a deadly green energy that is particular harmful to the undead. In order to counteract this, I recommend-
Roy: No, no, I think I’ll manage to somehow struggle through.

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The Future is Forged in the Fires of Today
Durkon, Azurite Doctor, Haley, Celia, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Belkar, Azurite, Elan, Thog, Nale, Azurite Blacksmith, Roy

<sfx> CLANG! CLANG!
<cutaway>
Durkon: “Dear High Priest.” Och, nay, tha won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” Nay, nay…
(D): “Dear High Priest.” Oh, no, that won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” No, no…
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNGG!
<cutaway>
Azurite Doctor: OK, stick out your tongue and say “Ahhhh!”
Haley: Xcccc!
(H): Ahhhh!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANGG!
<cutaway>
Celia:How about this one? Do you think this will get his attention?
Vaarsuvius: I would venture a guess that he might be tired of the color blue by this point.
Celia:It’s the only color they sell here.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNG!
<cutaway>
Miko: To you, the Twelve Gods, I pray: Grant me the strength and wisdom to seek out and stop those who would obstruct the holy mission of the Sapphire Guard. Allow me to see through their lies to the truth.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLLANG!
<cutaway>
Belkar: Hello, fellow Medium-sized creature! How are you enjoying being Medium-sized , like me, on this lovely day?
Azurite: Just fine, thanks for asking!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLAANGG!
<cutaway>
Elan: Wow! I’m so glad everything worked out perfectly in the end, with no loose plot points to worry about!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNGG!
<cutaway>
Thog: soon?
Nale: Oh yes. Very soon.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANG!
Azurite Blacksmith: There you are, sir. You should see that energy property I mentioned from time to time when you wield it.
Roy: Amazing… Just as the sword has been reforged, so too shall I reforge my oath… I swear on the sword of my ancestors that I will destroy Xykon, once and for all! GAH!!!
Azurite Blacksmith: It, uh… It might also still be a little hot.
Roy: Ow.

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A Calling Missed
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2

Monster in the Darkness: Wow, everyone is so busy around here lately!
Redcloak: Yes, well, that’s because unlike you, some of us have the capacity to actually contribute to our cause.
Demon Roach 1: So this is an epilogue?
Demon Roach 2: I thought it was more of a coda.
Monster in the Darkness: I can contribute!
Redcloak: Oh? Like how?
Monster in the Darkness: Like… uh… well, how are you contributing?
Redcloak: I’m on my way to finish zombifying the monsters we killed up in the tower.
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah! I can help you with that!
Redcloak: Really? So, I guess those three boxes of mallomars you finished off somehow earned you enough XP to gain 5 levels in cleric overnight?
Monster in the Darkness: Well, they WERE especially chewy…
Redcloak: Then unless you are volunteering your services as raw materials, I don’t think you are going to be much help. Now shoo, go bug someone else for a bit.
Roach 1: G’way, kid, ya bother me!
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, man! I never get to do anything around here! I just sit under the umbrella and wait.
Roach 1: Cue the violins.
Monster in the Darkness: Just once-just once!-I’d like to be a valuable member of the team, needed for a critical task. You know, to know what it felt like, just one time.
Hobgoblin 1: Arrgh!!
Hobgoblin 2: What is it? What’s wrong?
Hobgoblin 1: The sun is shining right in my eyes! Oh, if only we had some form of soothing darkness available with which to protect our sensitive goblin eyes!
Hobgoblin 2: We will never finish our crucial task without some relief from the cruel sun’s scorching light.
Monster in the Darkness: Sigh… just once…

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Pick Your Doom
Xykon, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2

Xykon: Redcloak! Report!
Redcloak: Well, since you asked so nicely… Animate Dead. Preparations are 98.5% complete. The bad news is that we’ve experienced 341 discipline problems among the hobgoblin troops this week. The good news is that the ghoul horde has swelled by 315 numbers.
Xykon: Well, have you--wait, only 315? What happened to the rest?
Redcloak: The, uh… the ghouls do get hungry, sir.
Xykon: Have you analyzed those gate locations I deciphered?
Redcloak: Yes sir, I have them right here on color-coded parchments.
Xykon: Wow, you really are a dork, aren’t you?
Redcloak: This is the first location. As you can see, it is across the ocean. Unless you are willing to invest heavily in water wings, I don’t see us getting this many minions over water.
Xykon: Hey! I’ve got an idea!
Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay. Moving on… This is the second location. It is located far to the north. In order to get there, we’d have to march through eight human nations.
Xykon: Can’t we just conquer them?
Redcloak: Well, yes, but I’m not sure they’re worth our time, sir.
Xykon: Redcloak, we’re literally out to conquer the world here. In what way is conquering eight parts of that world not worth our time?
Redcloak: When we can get the same goal accomplished by only conquering one part of it. Here’s the third location. It will take several weeks to reach it, but most of the path is through wilderness. There’s only one little nation to deal with, and we’ll control the gate that we need. The best part is WHICH nation we get to conquer.
Xykon: Nice! You’ve sold me. Send the word down the line, Redcloak. That’s our destination. Next Stop: Azure City. (If anyone has to pee before we get started, now’s the time.)
Roach 1: Ooooo, splash page!
Roach 2: Must be the end of a story arc.

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A Brief Intermission
Milk Dudes, Soda, Popcorn, Pizza, Nachos, Soy Latté

<sign text> And now a brief INTERMISSION ~
<box text> Milk Dudes
Milk Dudes, Soda & Popcorn: <singing> Let's go out to the lobby! Let's go out to the lobby! Let's go out to the lobby - and have ourselves a snack!
Pizza: Your time has come and gone, Popcorn! Today's patron enjoys more nourishing fare... like pizza!
Nachos:: Or Nachos!
Soy Latté: Or soy lattés!
Popcorn: You fools! We've been loved by moviegoers for over 50 years! Do you know the kind of power that gives us? We have become like unto tiny refreshing GODS!
<sfx> BZZZZZAP!
Soda: Milk Dudes! No!
Milk Dudes: Promise me one thing, Soda...
Soda: Anything, old friend.
Milk Dudes: Promise me... that you'll... *cough* ... you'll dispose of my body in the waste receptacles... conveniently located by the theater exits...
Soda: NOOOOOOOO!
<sign text> We now return to The ORDER of the STICK

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alright! Second book is up! The --- in the first post shows where I've proof read all text to, and I'm slowly working my way through. I believe that 200 to 250 do not have sound effects transcribed, so if someone can proof that to see, and let me know in general about any corrections there might be.

It's going to be interesting posting even longer books than this...this one took 8 pages! I hate to think of what Blood Runs in the Family might be...

Sorry for the delay in everything! I just gpot married so september and some of August got eaten by that...well, lets say the last 11 months or so. Cheers!

[Jasdoif]

I believe that 200 to 250 do not have sound effects transcribed, so if someone can proof that to see, and let me know in general about any corrections there might be.

I think we're OK in regard to sound effects: I transcribed 200 with sound effects, 201-204 don't have sound effects in the comics, and I transcribed 205-250 with sound effects.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

Alright! Second book is up! The --- in the first post shows where I've proof read all text to, and I'm slowly working my way through. I believe that 200 to 250 do not have sound effects transcribed, so if someone can proof that to see, and let me know in general about any corrections there might be.

It's going to be interesting posting even longer books than this...this one took 8 pages! I hate to think of what Blood Runs in the Family might be...

Sorry for the delay in everything! I just gpot married so september and some of August got eaten by that...well, lets say the last 11 months or so. Cheers!

Looks very nice all together like this. Thanks for putting this together! Congratulations, by the way!

[DaggerPen]

Alright! Second book is up! The --- in the first post shows where I've proof read all text to, and I'm slowly working my way through. I believe that 200 to 250 do not have sound effects transcribed, so if someone can proof that to see, and let me know in general about any corrections there might be.

It's going to be interesting posting even longer books than this...this one took 8 pages! I hate to think of what Blood Runs in the Family might be...

Sorry for the delay in everything! I just gpot married so september and some of August got eaten by that...well, lets say the last 11 months or so. Cheers!

Congratulations to you both! I wish you a long and happy marriage!

The second book looks great!

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I think we're OK in regard to sound effects: I transcribed 200 with sound effects, 201-204 don't have sound effects in the comics, and I transcribed 205-250 with sound effects.

Sound effects in general might be lacking in some section, maybe not there directly.

Thanks for all the congrats folks!

[Onyavar]

Hope you had a wonderful honeymoon and especially hope you are not neglecting some marital duties while slaving away for the fan transcript ;)

So yeah, book 2 as transcript is good news. Thanks a lot!

At the moment, I'm working through the middle of book three with the German translation compilation (spellchecking, translation quality check, standardizing, adding the missing sound effects...), but I haven't posted anything yet, because I hope to eventually compare things with the original transcript.

So this is just what I need! (Also, a bigger screen for the textfile merging program... )

Oh, by the way, what are your rules regarding typos in the webcomic that got fixed in the books (or not!) - do they get fixed, marked, copied, ... ?

[DaggerPen]

I believe our policy is to correct typos, but I know I did them [sic] before I realized that, and some others may have, so there are probably still some floating around.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

I believe our policy is to correct typos, but I know I did them [sic] before I realized that, and some others may have, so there are probably still some floating around.

I know I put in at least one [sic] without checking my books, but I think there are some typos in the books as well, so nothings perfect.

[Apani]

Let me report this: In strip 14, Elan is wearing a cone hat with "DUNCE" written on it, but it's not annoted in the transcription.
Also, you might want to add the Italian translation to the list.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Let me report this: In strip 14, Elan is wearing a cone hat with "DUNCE" written on it, but it's not annoted in the transcription.
Also, you might want to add the Italian translation to the list.

Drat, I had added it...must not have hit save. :/ Got a link for me?

As for the Elan wearing a dunce cap, I'll try and remember to go back and take care of that soon.

[Apani]

Grazie, ora c'è (now it's there).

How about making each page interconnected with those in different languages? Like this: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/shows...1&postcount=60