The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Honestly I don't mind doing it. Its just the fact that I got into a car accident and was scrambling with that for awhile, among other things. I'm good now and getting back into it. Book 3 is half edited, and so is book 4, though I haven't posted it yet. Once I'm done book 3 I'll post book 4 and finish editing, and we'll go from there. By the way, how are your transcriptions going for 951 through 1000? I'm grateful to have you on the project, and the spell compendium as well!

[Jaxzan Proditor]

Honestly I don't mind doing it. Its just the fact that I got into a car accident and was scrambling with that for awhile, among other things. I'm good now and getting back into it. Book 3 is half edited, and so is book 4, though I haven't posted it yet. Once I'm done book 3 I'll post book 4 and finish editing, and we'll go from there. By the way, how are your transcriptions going for 951 through 1000? I'm grateful to have you on the project, and the spell compendium as well!

I hope you're all recovered from that!

I've been waiting to send them, largely because I thought it might be better to send them as one large chunk. If you want me to send them to you like I was before, let me know.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I hope you're all recovered from that!

I've been waiting to send them, largely because I thought it might be better to send them as one large chunk. If you want me to send them to you like I was before, let me know.

Either way is fine. I'm fine with waiting.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 485 to 499
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 485

Show

Hey! You! Get off my Cloud!
Eugene, Roy

Eugene: HUZZAH! Three cheers for the conquering hero! Let us kill the fatted calf to celebrate his victory!
Roy: Knock it off.
Eugene: You seem upset for some unknown reason. Come now, what’s eating you, son? Oh! That’s right! Vultures!
Roy: I’m serious, Dad, I don’t want to hear it.
Eugene: What exactly don’t you want to hear, oh firstborn son of mine. That your cunning plan of jumping on the back of a moving dragon and hitting Xykon with a shiny metal stick not only failed to destroy our family’s sworn foe – but also directly lead you falling 300 feet to your demise? Or more to the point how through your ineffective leadership, Xykon overran one of the oldest bastions of the forces of Good on the mortal plane?
Roy: HEY! That was NOT my fault! I’m not the leader of Azure City, Hinjo is.
Eugene: Horsecrap. You were the highest level Good character on the field, and a PC to boot. It was your fight to lose.
Roy: So what you’re saying is, “With great power comes great blame.”
Eugene: I assumed that was understood.
Roy: Well, I hate to break it to you, Dad, but this isn’t the end of the line. More like halftime.
Eugene: What? How can you halve time itself?
Roy: *sigh* I should have known a sports metaphor would be wasted on you. What I mean is, the fight against Xykon isn’t over yet. As soon as Durkon and Haley get their respective acts together, I’ll be back in the world of the living and we’ll strike back at Xykon.
Eugene: Ooooo, yes! And while your friends collect the seven magic spheres to wish you back to live, you can train with the secret martial arts master that lives here in the afterlife!
Roy: … Really?
Eugene: No, not really, you moron! Does this look like “Dragonball Z” to you?!?
Roy: Could have fooled me, that battle took long enough…
Eugene: you’re stuck here, just like me, with not much to do but wait. It figures. I go through all that trouble to hitch your little red wagon to an ally with enough money and power to get the job done twice……and you stand there twiddling your thumbs while he gets chopped in two. I suppose hanging out his city to dry is the only logical conclusion to your complete failure.
Roy: You know, this place looks a LOT different than I expected…
Eugene: What are you talking about?
Roy: Well, I died, and now I’m standing here listening to you berate me. So where’s the fire and brimstone? Where are all the devils?
Eugene: Cute, really cute, Roy.
Roy: I repent, oh Lords of the Underworld! Whatever I did to deserve this eternal punishment, I repent! I’ll take the hot pokers, just don’t make me talk to my father!
Eugene: You know, it’s no walk in Arcadia for me, either. The only silver lining in this cloud we’re both stuck on is that at least now the Blood Oath will pass to Julia.
Roy: Oh my gods, Dad, reality check! Julia is 16 years old and a 3rd-level wizard! Xykon has 100 years and 7 spell levels on her! What could she possibly do against him that I couldn’t?!?
Eugene: Feather Fall.
Roy: … Damn it!
Eugene: I should’ve been so lucky.

Spoiler: Strip 486

Show

Next on “As the Plane Turns”…
Roy, Eugene, Deva, Archon, High Priest, Violet

Roy: Ok, so if this is an infinite plane, how come you can’t seem to leave me alone?
Eugene: Infinite? Good gods, didn’t they teach you anything about planar cosmology at that school of yours?
<cutaway>
Eugene: <voiceover> This isn’t the actual afterlife here. This is just a coexistent demiplane where the denizens of the Upper planes come to watch the mortals.
Deva: Can you believe she’s carrying Juan’s baby?
Archon: But she’s marrying his nemesis, Phillippe, tomorrow!
<cutback>
Eugene: It’s also the place where the souls of recently deceased folks of Good alignment come to be judged before being sent to their final rest.
Roy: Whoa, hold on a second. Tens of thousands of Good people died in that battle today. How come I don’t see any of them here?
Eugene: Because this part of the plane is where the worshippers of the Northern gods end up, and you were the only Northerner to die in that battle.
<cutaway>
Eugene: <voiceover> Worshippers of the Southern Gods are processed on the other side of the mountain.
High Priest: Wait a minute, I had a 22!
<cutback>
Roy: And that mountain is –
Eugene: Don’t you listen? That’s the true afterlife for the Lawful Good types. But don’t get your hopes up for seeing it.
Roy: What do you mean?
Eugene: The magic of the Blood Oath of Vengeance I swore against Xykon keeps my soul from resting in the afterlife until he is defeated – and now that you’re dead, it’ll do the same for you.
Roy: What?!? You mean I can’t get into the Upper Planes because of this??
Eugene: Yeah, it’s a kick in the ass, isn’t it? We’re doomed to wander this fluffy cloud until Julia gets the job done. That’s why I’ve been shacking up with Violet here. (You remember her, right?) Nothing to do but watch the living or hook up with other oathspirits.
Violet: Um, actually, Eugene, if I could have a word? I’m really sorry about the short notice, but it turns out that my great-great-granddaughter managed to sunder the cursed sword that devoured my father’s soul. So, uh, I’m going to join the rest of my family on the mountain, OK?
Eugene: Oh, uh, OK. That’s cool. If I ever manage to get up there myself, I’ll look you up.
Violet: Actually… please don’t. I’d rather not have to explain you to my husband. You understand.
Roy: Oooooo, Eugene Greenhilt, kicked to the celestial curb!
Eugene: This coming from someone who was just forced into a long-distance relationship with their own body.

Spoiler: Strip 487

Show

Their Concierge Service is Heavenly
Roy, Eugene, Bureaucratic Deva, Revolving Door Deva, Frequent Dyer

Roy: I can’t believe you never told me that this stupid oath would keep me out of the afterlife.
Eugene: I didn’t know! Not until after I was dead, anyway.
Roy: Being dead never stopped you from harassing me every night in the dungeon.
Eugene: You have to understand, there are all sorts of rules about what you can and can’t do when you manifest as a spirit. We’re not allowed to directly assist Julia at all, much less fight Xykon ourselves. Frankly, we got lucky when I hijacked Shojo’s summoning spell. I was able to skirt all sorts of restrictions until he sent me back.
Bureaucratic Deva: Excuse me, Mr. Greenhilt?
Eugene and Roy: Yes?
Bureaucratic Deva: The junior Mr. Greenhilt?
Roy: That’s me.
Bureaucratic Deva: Nice to meet you, sir. I’m the bureaucratic Deva that’s been assigned to your case.
Roy: My.….case?
Bureaucratic Deva: Yes, we need to determine your postmortal residential status in order to speed you on your way. Why don’t you take a seat at my desk while we review your life and try to figure out if the Celestial Realm is right for you?
<sfx> poof!
Eugene: Don’t even bother, honey. He’s an oathspirit, just like me. You’re just going to tell him –
Bureaucratic Deva: With all due respect, sir, we have a system for deciding such things – One presided over by ACTUAL beings of pure Law and Good!
Eugene: *gulp*
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, Mr. Greenhilt, where were we?
Roy: Not that seeing my father get put in his place wasn’t satisfying – because it really, really was – but he does have a point. Isn’t his little foray into Blood Magic going to tie my soul to the mortal realm until Xykon is destroyed? Besides, I’m going to get raised from the dead pretty soon, anyway.
Bureaucratic Deva: All the more reason to get the paperwork out of the way now, sir. If we examine your life and find you worthy of entering the Celestial Realms, when you are raised and subsequently killed – and clear up this Blood Oath nonsense – you’ll be ready to ascend. That way, we can “fast-track” your entry procedures, and have you on your way to eternity that much faster.
<cutaway>
Door Deva: Welcome back, sir. Will you be staying long?
Frequent Dyer: Only ‘til morning, old chap.
Door Deva: More’s the pity. Oh well, I shall have the serving staff ready your usual accommodations.
<cutback>
Roy: Huh… I always thought the “revolving door afterlife” was just a metaphor…
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, you are an adventurer, so that means you’re eligible to earn Frequent Dying Miles every time you stay with us…

Spoiler: Strip 488

Show

This is Your Life
Bureaucratic Deva, Roy, Elan

Bureaucratic Deva: …and you can earn double points when you use your Archon Express card. Would you like to fill out an application?
Roy: Uh, no, thanks. Wasn’t there going to be some sort of judging here?
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, right! Let’s take a look at your Permanent Record, shall we?
Roy: Permanent Record?!? I didn’t know there really was one of those!
Bureaucratic Deva: Wow… your grade school principal had quite a few choice things to say about you –
Roy: It was just a joke! We didn’t know Mrs. McNulty was allergic to weasels!
Bureaucratic Deva: – but we generally don’t consider childhood escapades. Let’s see… what do we have here in the adult file… Resisting arrest?
Roy: It was an illegitimate authority.
Bureaucratic Deva: Taking gifts intended for a king?
Roy: Would’ve been destroyed in the explosion anyway.
Bureaucratic Deva: Dangling an oracle out of a window?
Roy: Really? I don’t remember that one.
Bureaucratic Deva: Abandoning a – oh my.
Roy: Uh oh.
<flashback>
Bureaucratic Deva: <voiceover> Abandoning a friend to an unknown fate.
Roy: <voiceover> Oh. Right. That.
Elan: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
<end flashback>
Roy: Look, OK, what I did was horrible. It really was. I shouldn’t have left Elan to those forest bandits, even if he IS some kind of Avatar of Annoyance. But I don’t think you’re looking at the whole picture. I abandoned him for, what, a few hours? Then I came to my senses. I realized what a putz I was being, and rescued him. (And the rest of the party, I might add.)
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh? And what if Elan had been killed during those few hours?
Roy: Then I……I don’t know.
Bureaucratic Deva: Hmmm. Well, at least you’re being honest about it, I’ll tell you, if you hadn’t gone back, then whether he lived or died, I would be chucking your file into the True Neutral bin right now. As it stands, there is a lot to be said for learning your lesson before you died, rather than trying to backpedal now. Because apparently just a few weeks later, you saved the same coworker from death by donning a Belt of –
Roy: <whispering> Please do not mention that incident within earshot of my father. I’m begging you here.
Bureaucratic Deva: So, I’m willing to let this black mark slide.
Roy: Nice! So what’s next?
Bureaucratic Deva: Your association with “Belkar Bitterleaf” a.k.a. “The Belkster” a.k.a. “Death’s Li’l Helper”.
Roy: … I don’t suppose we could just weigh my heart against a feather instead?
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, no, we haven’t done that for years. The scales are a bitch to calibrate.

Spoiler: Strip 489

Show

Keepin’ the Little Man Down
Roy, Bureaucratic Deva

Roy: Before we go any further, can I just say I find women with wings particularly attractive?
Bureaucratic Deva: Thank you, but that hardly addresses the issue at hand. You’ve been adventuring with for a year with a Chaotic Evil halfling who is constantly trying to murder anyone who gets in his way! Or looks like they might possibly be thinking about getting anywhere sort of near his way at some unspecified future point, just to be sure.
Roy: I thought only paladins were prohibited from associating with Evil characters. I’m just a fighter.
Bureaucratic Deva: That’s true. So normally, you’d be fine – what he does would be on his soul, not yours. But what complicates the issue for you is that you’ve taken on the role as his commanding officer. That means on some level, you are responsible for his actions – especially the actions he takes while pursuing your personal missions.
Roy: OK, look, Belkar is a vicious little bastard. But look at it this way: By allowing him to travel with us, I can channel him toward useful purposes.
Bureaucratic Deva: Isn’t that a little risky?
Roy: Isn’t it a little riskier to leave him unattended?
Bureaucratic Deva: You could have left him in the Azure City prison under proper legal authority.
Roy: Oh, yeah, good idea. I’m sure the current pile of rubble really would have held him for, like, 18 seconds. If I hadn’t “freed” him, he would have escaped during the battle anyway and probably become yet another recurring villain. Just what this comic strip needs more of! I let him out of jail because he’s too strong and clever – in his own brain-damaged way – to be held prisoner by any jail cell I’ve ever seen. So instead, the jail travels with him, with me as Head Warden. It’s a lot safer than betting people’s lives on the idea that Belkar can be contained by iron bars. And until then, his combat potential is used to fight an even greater Evil than himself. It’s like a work release program, really. Unless you’re telling me I should’ve just cut his throat while he sleeps?
Bureaucratic Deva: No, but –
Roy: Then I don’t see the problem.
Bureaucratic Deva: …I’m not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of you taking it upon yourself to contain him, but I’ll put it down in the file as an attempt to redeem an evildoer. That should remove the taint of his actions from his file. Luckily for you, our latest projections on what Belkar might have done without your influence back you up.
<screen text> Projected. Observed. EVIL (measured in kilonazis) Projected. Observed.
Roy: Who does the green line represent?
Bureaucratic Deva: A hypothetical offspring of Cruella de Ville and Sauron. It’s useful to have a baseline comparison for these things.

Spoiler: Strip 490

Show

Final Review
Roy, Bureaucratic Deva, Eugene

Roy: – so I’m like “But you told me we didn’t want to turn right!” and Durkon says, “No, I told ye we dinnae want ta turn wrights!” Man, we had to make a lot of Fortitude saves the next day.
(R): – so I’m like “But you told me we didn’t want to turn right!” and Durkon says, “No, I told you we didn’t want to turn wights!” Man, we had to make a lot of Fortitude saves the next day.
Bureaucratic Deva: Ha ha ha ha ha! Let me ask you something: Why did you never consider becoming a cleric yourself? You have halfway decent Wisdom and Charisma scores, you could have pulled it off.
Roy: Well, this is awkward to say, given where I am, but I’ve never really been that religious. I mean, I guess my mom raised me to worship the Northern Gods, but I always just figured as long as I don’t actively offend any of them, they’d leave me alone. The idea of playing Fetching Boy for an ultrapowerful outsider who never seems to be able to get off his divine butt and do anything for himself seemed like a less-than-satisfying existence.
Bureaucratic Deva: Well, Mr. Greenhilt, I’ve heard all that I need to hear. I’m ready to render a decision.
Roy: As a friend of mine might say, “dunh, dunh, DUNH!” Except for the total lack of suspense due to it being a forgone conclusion.
Bureaucratic Deva: Excuse me?
Roy: Look, I know it’s your job to rake me over the coals –
Bureaucratic Deva: No, you’re thinking devil, not deva.
Roy: – but we both know this is moot, because you can’t let me in due to my dear old dad’s Blood Oath.
Bureaucratic Deva: Mr. Greenhilt, we do things “by the book” around here –
<cutaway>
Bureaucratic Deva: <voiceover> –and it just so happens that the book in question is 100 feet tall and alight with holy fire–
<book text> The Book
<cutback>
Bureaucratic Deva: –and it says that I need to evaluate you regardless of any mitigating circumstances that may or may not be in effect.
Roy: OK, OK, knock yourself out. Geez.
Bureaucratic Deva: There are two sets of criteria I needed to consider before assigning you an afterlife. Are you Good, and are you Lawful? Luckily for you, your lack of piety isn’t an issue, only your alignment is brought into question. I don’t think there is any doubt that you’re a Good man… you regularly battle the forces of Evil without expecting compensation. And I see very few truly Evil acts… Nothing here even merits a blip on the Malev-o-meter. Though sometimes you enjoy verbally lambasting your friends and friends and foes a little too much for our tastes. You might want to cut down on that if you do end up being raised.
Roy: Yeah, but think of how many fewer punchlines I would get if I did.
Bureaucratic Deva: Now as far as Law… You’re a man who has sacrificed most of his adult life fixing the mistake his father made when he swore the Blood Oath of Vengeance against Xykon. By talking to you, I can see you’re someone for whom the idea of Responsibility is central. That certainly who be Lawful enough for us–
Roy: Yes!
Bureaucratic Deva: –except that you often veer toward Chaos in the execution of your perceived responsibilities.
Roy: Crap.
Bureaucratic Deva: Tricking your friends into participating in a quest to fix your sword – much less conspiring to work behind the backs of an order of paladins – are not acts that scream “Lawful”. Using Chaotic means to fulfill Lawful obligations strikes me as fairly Neutral… I don’t think my superiors would blink if I kicked your case over to the Neutral Good afterlife, but there’s one factor preventing me: You’re trying. You’re trying to be Lawful Good. People forget how crucial it is to keep trying, even if they screw it up now and then. They figure that if they can’t manage it perfectly every waking second, then they should just pick some other alignment because it’ll be easier. But it’s the struggle that matters. It’s easy for a being of pure Law and Good to live up to these ideals, but you’re a mortal. What matters is that when you blow it, you get back up on the horse and try again. You…well, your record is full of grey spots, but you never stop working at improving it. That’s what’s important. To us, anyway. Welcome to the Celestial Realm, Roy.
Roy: Wait, what? What about the Blood Oath of Vengeance? I thought –
Bureaucratic Deva: It’s not a problem for us. Go on up.
Eugene: WHAT?!?
Roy: In lieu of Paradise, can I just get a picture of the exact look on his face?
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, see, that’s exactly the sort of comment we’d like you to cut back on!
Roy: Maybe a 50-foot marble statue…

Spoiler: Strip 491

Show

Those Singing Lessons Cost Money, You Know
Eugene, Roy, Bureaucratic Deva, Cherubim.

Eugene: Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! When I died of old age, you all told me I couldn’t get in because of the Blood Oath of Vengeance I swore against Xykon when I was younger. I’ve been drifting around this cloud for years because of that! Now I know that the magic of that oath binds my children, too, so how the hell is he getting in when I’m not??
Roy: I’m guessing it is due to their very low Jackass Quota, Dad. They’re just all full at the moment.
Bureaucratic Deva: Your son is “getting in” because he died in the process of attempting to fulfill that oath. True, he could have gone about it more efficiently, but we don’t penalize people for ineffectiveness. He was doing what he thought was best, to the limit of his abilities – including his ability to judge what was best.
<flashback>
Bureaucratic Deva: <voiceover> You, on the other hand, made a conscious decision to abandon your own oath years before your death.
Eugene: eh…never mind, guys. It was a stupid oath, anyway.
<cutover>
Bureaucratic Deva: <voiceover> You stopped looking for Xykon more than 20 years ago, and even when your final death was approaching, you sought out your son at college and burdened him with the Blood Oath rather than even one last chance at fulfilling it.
<end flashback>
Bureaucratic Deva: You broke your oath, while your son did everything he could to fulfill the vow you dumped at his feet. Therefore, he has earned his rest on the mountain, while you must wander this cloud until one of your heirs fulfills the quest. That is your punishment.
Eugene: But… but that’s not fair!
Bureaucratic Deva: Yes, it is fair. And that’s why you’re upset.
Roy: Oooooo, holy burn! Well, Dad, it’s been a blast, but some of us have an appointment through the revolving door. Adios, Dad.
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, no, Roy, that’s only for returning patrons. As a first-timer, you’ll want that entrance behind you.
Cherubim: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !
Bureaucratic Deva: <whispering> It’s customary to tip the cherubim.

Spoiler: Strip 492

Show

Things to Do in Heaven When You’re Dead
Roy’s Archon, Roy, One-Night Stand, Debater, Deva 1, Deva 2

Roy’s Archon: Welcome to the mountain, Roy. I’ll be your guide through the Celestial Realm until settle in–or get raised.
Roy: Thanks, uh, little ball of light.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, my name is “Roy’s Archon”.
Roy: That……is incredibly convenient.
Roy’s Archon: Exactly. Now, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map with a few of the attractions that I felt may appeal to you.
Roy: “Attractions”?
Roy’s Archon: Sure. We couldn’t call it Paradise if you sat around all the time doing nothing.
<cutaway>
Roy’s Archon: <voiceover> For example, I’ve highlighted the Tavern of Infinite One-Night Stands…
One-Night Stand: I’m really interested in hearing you talk about yourself.
<cutover>
Roy’s Archon: <voiceover> …the Debate Hall Where You’re Always Right…
Debater: Huh. You know, I never really thought about it that way.
<cutover>
Roy’s Archon: <voiceover> … and the Dungeon of Monsters That Are Just Strong Enough to Really Challenge You.
Deva 1: Wait, so if I have two CR 11’s and I add one CR 8, what EL does that add up to?
Deva 2: Oh, just eyeball it already.
<cutback>
Roy: Is there any place to eat?
Roy’s Archon: Well, you don’t strictly NEED to eat anymore, but if you just want to enjoy the taste of food, I’d recommend All Steaks Go to Heaven, just past the Bless-ateria.
Roy: What’s the big red star?
Roy’s Archon: That’s your mother’s house. I recommend going there first. When you’ve been here for a while, you can requisition your own house, but until then, you’ll be staying with your closest relative.
Roy: Which is my mother.
Roy’s Archon: which is your mother, yes.
Roy: So I could have all the one-night-stands I want, but I’d have to have them at my mother’s house? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex?
Roy’s Archon: Actually, yes. We’ve found that our Lawful patrons generally expect it that way.

Spoiler: Strip 493

Show

Led Zeppelin Lied to Us All
Roy, Roy’s Archon, Soldier, Soldier’s Archon

Roy: Does this mountain never end?
Roy’s Archon: Why? It’s not like you get tired anymore, you’re dead.
Roy: Yeah, but it’s not exactly easy, and it’s taking forever. I only have a day – two, tops – here in the afterlife, and I’d at least like to see Mom.
Roy’s Archon: The mountain is symbolic of the eternal quest for wisdom and understanding. One must climb it in order to receive the rewards of the Celestial Realm.
Roy: Yeah, OK, but rhetoric aside, I sort of expected… I dunno, stairs or something.
Roy’s Archon: Well, between you and me, we tried to install an escalator a few centuries ago, but all the monks got pissed. Said it violated their ascetic vows, and they felt like they were in a mall. So, we went back to the old way: You climb the mountain until you reach the level of enlightenment you’re happy with. Simple, really.
Roy: Simple for you – nnnh! – you’re flying.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, it’s just that the gravity exerted by this plane has a negligible effect on the photons that make up my being.
Roy: OK, so not so simple.
Roy’s Archon: At any rate, we’re only headed to the first tier of attractions right now – those that deal with sorting out all of the messed-up urges you people have leftover after having your soul stuck in a glorified sausage all of your life.
Roy: Wait, so all the stuff you mentioned – that’s only the beginning?
Roy’s Archon: Sure. But it takes most souls 30 or 40 years of being dead to get bored with the sex and food and stuff. When they do, they start climbing again, in search of more spiritually satisfying fare.
Roy: What happens when they get to the top?
Roy’s Archon: True perfect enlightenment.
Roy: Really? What’s that like?
Roy’s Archon: Beats me. I’m not allowed up there.
Soldier’s Archon: C’mon! You can do it! Eye of the Tiger!
Soldier: But I was born under the sign of the Pig.
Soldier’s Archon: … Eye of the Pig, then!
Roy’s Archon: But I dream that someday, after I guide enough clueless petitioners up the mountain – I will be rewarded with all of the blessings that a higher-class archon has. Wisdom, tranquility, inner strength –
Roy: Hands?
Roy’s Archon: That’s intentional. It’s so I don’t strangle smartass newbies.

Spoiler: Strip 494

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DMILF
Roy’s Archon, Roy, Sara, The Little Psion That Could

Roy’s Archon: That’s the house, right there.
Roy: I’ll tell you, I’m pretty excited to see Mom again. I know it’s only been 3 years since she–
<sfx> knock! Knock! knock!
Roy: Oh! Uh, hello miss. I was looking for Sara Greenhilt?
Sara: ROY!!!
Roy: Have we met before?
Sara: Roy, honey, it’s me. Your mother.
Roy: Um, no. my mother has a grey bun hairdo and osteoporosis. Not pigtails and a rack.
Sara: Roy, it’s me. Honest.
Roy: Prove it.
Sara: When you were 4, you wouldn’t ever go to bed until I had read you “The Little Psion That Could.
<cutaway>
The Little Psion That Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…
<cutback>
Roy: I don’t know, you could have been scrying on us…
Roy’s Archon: No, Roy, that IS your mother.
Sara: See, even Roy’s Archon agrees.
Roy’s Archon: How did you know my name?
Sara: This is the afterlife, Roy, honey. We all appear as our ideal versions of ourselves, and I guess I never stopped thinking of myself as the 19-year-old looker who had never even heard the name, “Eugene Greenhilt”.
Roy: Then why did Dad still look like a wrinkled old man?
Sara: Because your father has ALWAYS been a wrinkled old man in his heart, he was just hiding in a younger man’s body most of his life.
Roy’s Archon: And your appearance matches your moment of death, since your mind is still thinking about the recent events in the realm of mortals.
Roy: I guess that makes a certain degree of sense. It’s just a little… weird… to see you looking like that.
Sara: Don’t be silly. This is the real me. Now come and give your mommy a great big hug. If you want, I can read you that book again. You can put your head on my lap, like when you were young.
Roy: No, that’s… no thanks, Mom.

Spoiler: Strip 495

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(Eu)gene Therapy
Sara, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Enriqué

Sara: Oh, Roy! Look at you! Leader of your own adventuring party! I’m so proud.
Roy: Thanks, Mom.
Sara: Apparently, that doesn’t leave time to have children…
Roy: *sigh*
Sara: So I’m guessing you saw your father on the way in?
Roy: Yeah. He was pretty pissed about them letting me in over him.
Sara: Typical Eugene. Can’t be happy for his eldest son, because he’s too busy being unhappy for himself.
Roy: Serves the crotchety old bastard right, if you ask me. He can pretty much rot in Hell for all I care.
Roy’s Archon: I think we are technically past the point where that would be a realistic possibility.
Sara: Don’t speak about your father that way, young man.
Roy: You’re kidding.
Sara: I know you don’t understand, but there was a time when him and I were happy together. Eugene is–and always has been–a very focused man. He picks one goal and pursues it with single-minded devotion. When he decided his goal was to make me his woman, we had a very good life. The problem is, he rarely sees one project through to the end. He gets bored and refocuses his attention elsewhere. It took a few years, but he eventually drifted away from me and back to his career. Only by then, we had kids and he was pretty much stuck with me. It’s the same with this “Xykon” character. When he swore that stupid Blood Oath, finding the sorcerer who had killed his master was THE driving force in his life. But he gave it up to pursue other interests. If he’s irritable now, it’s because the cosmic powers of the multiverse are physically compelling him to finish what he started back then, one way or another. It must be driving him nuts.
Roy: You’re certainly more understanding than I am. Though he didn’t make YOU stand trial for your life as a means of getting in touch.
Sara: I’ve been his wife for almost 30 years, I should I’ve gained some insight into the man.
Roy: Actually, about the marriage thing… I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Dad was actually dating–
Enriqué: Sara, your shower, it is out of shampoo?
Sara: Not now, Enriqué, my son Roy is here to visit.
Enriqué: Ah, I understand. I will dress and let myself out.
Sara: Now what were you saying, pumpkin? Mommy’s listening.
Roy: …Never mind.
Enriqué: Excusing me, do you remember to where you were the flinging my codpiece?

Spoiler: Strip 496

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Responsible
Sara, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Eric

Sara: I made up the spare bedroom for you. I know you don’t need to sleep, but just in case you want, you know, lady friends to come over.
Roy: Mom!
Sara: What? I’m just saying!
Roy: I doubt I’ll be here long enough for that to be an issue anyway. Durkon should be raising me.
Sara: Oh, just like your father, always dying and coming back when it’s convenient for you. You should think about that affects the rest of us. Well, before you leave, you should visit the third room to the left.
Roy: Why? What’s in there?
Sara: Not what. Who. Someone you haven’t seen since you were just a boy.
Roy: He’s–he’s here???
Sara: Yes. Has been for the last 18 years, apparently.
Roy: I have to–I need–
Sara: Go.
Roy’s Archon: I don’t understand. I wasn’t briefed on any –
Roy: Stay here!
Roy’s Archon: But I’m supposed to –
Roy: STAY! Oh my gods–It really is you! I didn’t–I didn’t know if you’d be here. We tried so hard to bring you back. I guess it was so nice here, it never occurred to you to come back when we called. I’m sorry, you know. I mean, I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that. I was just a kid. It wasn’t my job to watch the grown-up. But… I still should have done something. I knew it wasn’t safe. Dad just shushed me. He never listened to me at all when Mom wasn’t around. He was so… arrogant. Not that I knew what the word meant back then. You didn’t miss much after the accident. A lot of crying and yelling. A few failed attempts at resurrection. A baby sister, two years later. Who got spoiled rotten, incidentally. Sometimes, I wonder what class you would have taken. Probably bard… you loved that toy piano Uncle Myrtok got you. …It’s good to see you, little brother.
Eric: hi roy! wanna play blocks with me?
Roy: More than anything.

Spoiler: Strip 497

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The Grand Fighter
Sara, Roy, Eric, Horace, Evil Cleric, Evil Drow, Evil Fighter

Sara: Eric! Roy! Playtime is over for now. Roy’s Archon and I talked to a few people, since you said you won’t be staying long. You have a visitor in the hallway.
Roy: A visitor?
Sara: Don’t make me repeat myself, young man. He came all the way back from the third level of the mountain to see you, so you be nice.
Eric: grampa!!!
Roy: …Grandfather?
Horace: So I’ve been told, though I was long in my grave before either of you were more than a gleam in my boy Eugene’s eye. Frankly, I’m still surprised that he liked girls. Horace Greenhilt. You must be Roy.
Roy: Oh man! I – Mom told me all about your adventures when I was growing up! Like when you rescued Princess Damsel from the clutches of the red dragon of Reddragonsville.
Horace: Heh heh, good times. But just between you and me, beating the green dragon of Reddragonsville was a LOT harder.
Roy: I’m a fighter now, too. I tried to follow in your footsteps.
Horace: I know, Sara told me last time I visited Eric and her.
Sara: *sniff* This is so nice, for us to all be together. I’m so –
<sfx> pop!
Evil Cleric: PLANE SHIFT!!
Roy: What the –?
Evil Drow: Bwa ha ha!
Evil Fighter: Let’s earn some XP!
<sfx> bzzzzzz! schlash!
Roy: Wait, I’m so confused. Can I even BE killed in this form?
Evil Fighter: Beats me. Let’s find out together.
Horace: ROY! Heads up!
<sfx> quarter!
Horace: Nice catch, kid.
Roy: What–what was THAT all about?
Roy’s Archon: Evil adventuring party.
Horace: It happens. C’mon, I’ll take you fishing.

Spoiler: Strip 498

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Gone Fishin’
Roy, Horace, Roy’s Archon

Roy: So you’re saying that the reason I don’t have a spiritual copy of the Greenhilt sword here in the Celestial Realm (and you do) is because I still think of it as your sword?
Horace: Exactly. To me, it’s my sword, so I have it. To you, it’s still my sword – so I still have it. You’ll understand when you get further up the mountain. Everything ‘round these parts is shaped by believe, one way or another.
Roy: And that move you did? Where you killed the cleric in one shot?
Horace: Oh, yeah. Heh. Great feat. Pain in the ass to learn, though.
Roy: Oh.
Horace: When we get back to the house, I’ll see what I can do to teach you the basics. You’ll have to master it on your own.
Roy: Thanks, that’s…thanks, Granpa!
Horace: Don’t mention it.
Roy: Hey! Hey, I think I got one!
Horace: Keep a steady hand on it, kid! Don’t let it get away. Ha ha, another nice catch! Good job, Roy!
<poof!>
Roy: Where’d it go??
Roy’s Archon: It was summoned to the mortal realm.
Horace: I guess someone’s on an underwater adventure. Ah, well, they don’t let you eat them around here anyway. This is nice, though. The fishing, I mean. This is how men are supposed to relate to their offspring.
Roy: By participating in a vaguely sports-related activity in which they can have conversations without looking directly at one another?
Horace: Yeah. My father took me fishing for the first time when I was a little boy. Your father, though… he never really took to it, gods know I tried. Always had his head buried in a book, even on the boat. Always telling me how stupid I was. I’ll admit, I ain’t one for words when action’ll do, but it ain’t right for a boy to say that to his old man.
Roy: I, uh… I never had too much in common with him, either. I don’t think I was what he was looking for in a son. I reminded him too much of you, I think. Somewhere along the line, I figured if he didn’t like you for being a fighter, then maybe being a fighter was something I should consider. It can’t be all bad if Dad hates it, you know.
Horace: And you’ve done a damn fine job of it, son. A single-classed fighter, just like I am. I couldn’t be more proud of you.
Roy: Pretty amazing day, huh?
Horace: How do you figure?
Roy: Well, I fought Xykon, died, was interviewed by a celestial agent, climbed an incredibly tall mountain partway, reunited with Mom–played blocks with my long-dead little brother, met my grandfather for the first time, and now I’m fishing! It’s like this day will never end! I’m almost going to be sorry when Durkon raises me from the dead tomorrow.
Horace: …
Roy’s Archon: …
Horace: Son, is that… How long do you think you’ve been here? In the afterlife?
Roy: I dunno, 12 hours? Maybe 14? Why?
Horace: Roy…You’ve been dead for three and a half months.
Roy: …What? No, that’s not possible. It’s the same day as –
Horace: Tell ‘im
Roy’s Archon: At the sound of the beep, you will have been on the mountain for 103 days, 8 hours, 17 minutes and 9 seconds. Beeeeeeeep!

Spoiler: Strip 499

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No Time to Lose
Roy, Sara, Horace, Roy’s Archon, Eugene

Roy: OK, somebody better friggin’ explain this RIGHT NOW! And if this is some solar’s idea of screwing with the new guy, I am NOT laughing!
Sara: Roy, honey, calm down.
Roy: Three and a half months?!? How is that possible? Does time, like, flow at a different rate, here??
Sara: No, nothing so “sci-fi” as all that.
Horace: This is still a fantasy story.
Roy’s Archon: If I may... it’s really very simple.
Roy: Yeah? Then shine a little light on it for me, glowbug, because I’m not seeing it.
Roy’s Archon: It’s called Postmortem Time Disassociation Disorder. It happens to a lot of souls when they first cross over into the afterlife.
Horace: You know the old saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”? this is the dire half-dragon version of that.
Roy’s Archon: As a mortal, your perception of time is fluid, allowing you to lose yourself in a pleasurable activity – for a time. While you were alive, though, there were always limits as to how long it could go on.
Roy: Limits? What are you talking about?
Sara: He means no matter how engrossed you were in your studies, eventually you’d get hungry, or sleepy –
Horace: Or have to take a dump, at the least.
Sara: Horace!
Roy’s Archon: And even if you were taking care of your immediate needs, over time, your beard would come in, your fingernails would grow… Around you, the sun would set and rise, the seasons would change, dust would accumulate. Here, none of that happens. The sun sits stationary in the sky, the temperature never changes, and no matter how long you’re here, you never need to eat or sleep.
Sara: You don’t even have the beating of your heart to count out the moments for you anymore.
Roy’s Archon: Now, at the exact same time that you lose all reference points to the passage of time, you’re thrown into this amazing place where everything is strange, yet somehow perfect. Where everyone you meet is the same alignment as you, and you’re back together with long-lost friends and family. The combined effect leaves your mortal mind so enthralled that you become completely unaware of time racing past you. Three and a half months feels like a day.
Roy: Yeah, I don’t buy it. I’m sorry, but what was I doing all of that time? Besides decomposing, apparently.
Sara: It’s true, honey. It happened to me too. It turns out I spent eight weeks making love to this knight from –
Roy: NOT HELPING, MOM!
Horace: C’mon, boy, use your head. Ask yourself this, then: How tall was that first portion of the mountain you climbed to get here?
Roy: …Tall.
Horace: Far taller than any mountain back on the mortal plane, right?
Roy: I guess.
Horace: And yet scaling the world’s tallest mountain would take the most experienced climber days, even weeks. Did you really think you had gone higher in a few hours?
Roy: … I thought I’d found a shortcut.
Horace: You didn’t. It took you eight weeks to get to your mother’s house, and you spent another three playing with your little brother.
Roy: Oh, come on, it wasn’t THAT elaborate of a block castle!
Horace: But how many times did you knock it down and start over again from scratch?
Roy: No idea. I wasn’t counting.
Roy’s Archon: Would it surprise you to learn you did so 34 times?
Roy: … Crap. Why didn’t you say something? You’re supposed to be my guide!
Roy’s Archon: You didn’t ask. And we’re not in the habit of spoiling the eternal reward of our petitioners. It’s bad PR, and it sends our customer service ratings into a tailspin.
Roy: OK… OK, fine. I understand how it could be that long. But WHY has it been that long? Durkon was supposed to rendezvous with Haley the next day and raise me from the dead. So why am I still here 14 weeks later? What’s happening down there? What about Xykon? Why haven’t I been brought back??
Horace: Good questions, son.
Sara: We don’t know the answers.
Roy: Why the hell not??
Horace: We don’t know what is happening in the mortal realm any more than you do, Roy. Trust me, it’s better that that way. After a while, you’ll realize that it’s better to let go of what may or may not be going on down there. You’ll just make yourself upset for no good reason. You’re dead, I’m dead, we’re all dead up here. There’s nothing we can do to influence the mortal realm anymore.
Roy: Yeah, well unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There’s a lich down there that needs to be stopped, whether I’m dead or not. There has to be something I can do. There must be somewhere we could go and look down on –
<cutaway>
Eugene: Well, well, well, the prodigal son returns. Looks like that fatted calf isn’t off the hook just yet.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 500 to 516
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
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Spoiler: Strip 500

Show

A Reason to Keep Trying
Eugene, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Durkon

Eugene: What’s the matter, Roy? Got bored with the free sex and booze? Decided it would be more fun to come back and kick the old man around some more?
Roy: Yeah, here’s a tip: Playing the victim isn’t going to get much traction with me. At any rate, I didn’t skip out on eternal bliss and run down a mountain for–
Roy’s Archon: Nine days.
Roy: –nine days in order to resume our scintillating conversation. I came back so I could look down at the mortal realm.
Eugene: Awww, did someone not get resurrected on schedule? Poor Roy! Well, far be it for me to interrupt you. By all means, cast your gaze upon the living.
Roy: Thanks, I will. How come all I see are white fluffy clouds?
Eugene: HA!! It’s easy, Son, it’s just like scrying. Oh! Wait! That’s right, you’re a fighter! And I bet they didn’t teach scrying in that Fighter’s College of yours, did they? Well, it looks like you’re out of luck then, my friend. A shame, since it sure has been an interesting few months down there, yessir.
Roy: *sigh* Roy’s Archon, can you help me scry on my friends?
Roy’s Archon: Umm… Actually, lantern archons like me don’t have the power to form a scrying pool out of the clouds on our own. We just hang around and wait for a planetar or a deva to come down, then we watch over their shoulder.
Eugene: Look, Dad, getting me rezzed is as important to you as it is to me, so help me look down and see why Durkon is dragging his feet.
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: What?
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: Please, Dad. Will you please help me scry the mortal realm?
Eugene: No.
Roy: …What?
Eugene: No. N. O. As in, “No, I will not assist you in scrying the mortal realm”*. You seeing what is happening won’t actually change any of what is transpiring, and thus isn’t at all relevant to me getting onto that mountain. Whether or not you know WHY you haven’t been raised won’t change whether or not you WILL be raised in the future. It’ll just satisfy your curiosity, and I don’t care one whit about that.
Roy: Dad, I swear, knock it off and help me–
Eugene: Or what? You won’t destroy Xykon for me? Too late on that Bluff check, Son. You made it crystal clear back in Shojo’s throne room that you felt morally obligated to tackle Xykon anyway, on account of him being such a threat to the whole world. So be pissed at me all you want, you’ll still do what I need you to when–or should I say, “if”– your soul and your body ever manage to meet up again. You’re dead, Roy. Dead and gone. You have no say in what goes down there anymore. Which means unless Xykon graciously chooses to pop up here in person and allow you to make unarmed attacks against him, you’re useless to me. Or should I say, “Even more useless”? In short, I’m done with you. Go back up the mountain and cry to your mother, little boy.
Roy: You pathetic old–No, you know what? Fine. You do what you’ve got to do. I mean, normally, I would launch into a huge sarcastic rant, but obviously that isn’t the way to solve my problems, or I wouldn’t be dead at age 28.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, 29. Your birthday was last week.
Roy: You’re not worth the trouble. I’ll find someone else to help me.
Eugene: Wait, so you’re just going to take it?
Roy: Looks like.
Eugene: Don’t you want to get a few shots in at me first?
Roy: Not really. Roy’s Archon, any chance of us finding one of those deva’s who’d be willing to help out?
Roy’s Archon: We can give it a shot, sure.
Eugene: Hey! Get back here, you moron!
Roy: No. Why should I? I’m not going to change who you are as a person by shouting a few insults at you, no matter how clever they may be. I used to think I could; that if I could just deliver the perfect retort, it would open your eyes a little. But if everything you’ve been through with Mom and Eric and Grandpa and the literal forces of the cosmos hasn’t made you want to be a better man, I doubt a one-liner from me is going to do the trick now. You are who you are, and every time I stoop to the level of engaging you with another angry tirade, I’m a little more like you and a little less like Mom. So, see you around, I guess.
Eugene: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to trick me.
Roy: What? Uh, no, Dad, I honestly don’t want you to scry for me. I don’t need to stress in my life. Uh, afterlife.
Eugene: Well, I can play along, if only so that I can be there when your pathetic attempt at reverse psychology fails.
Roy: No, I really don’t want your help anymore. I’ll find someone else, really.
Eugene: Listen to me, young man, you will stand there and watch as I scry for you and you will like it, because I am your father.
Roy: …You do know that you don’t make any sense, right? OK, fine. If your ego can’t grasp not being crucial to everything I say or do, then go ahead and scry for me. On one condition.
Eugene: Name it.
Roy: When I eventually destroy Xykon and you are let into the afterlife? You never go to Mom’s house there. Not even once. You can go anywhere else on the mountain, but not there. You disappear, and your family enjoys eternity without you.
Eugene: That’s it?? Agreed.
Roy: Swear. For what it’s worth.
Eugene: I swear.
Roy: I don’t know what’s more depressing: That you agreed so easily, or that I knew that you would when I proposed it.
Eugene: What’s that supposed to mean?
Roy: Don’t worry about it. Fire up the scrying pool, Dad.
Eugene: You’ll need to concentrate on one person at a time to scry properly.
Roy: Let’s start with Durkon, then. I want to know why he hasn’t raised me yet. Durkon… Durkon Thundershield… Durkon Thundershield…Durkon…
Durkon: … by tha power invest’d in me by tha gods… I now pronounce ye, “Man an’ Wife.”
(D): … by the power invested in me by the gods… I now pronounce you, “Man and Wife.”

Spoiler: Strip 501

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No Cure for the Wedding Bells Blues
Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo, Thor, Loki, Hinjo, Wedding Guests, Elan, Lien

Durkon: Ye may now kiss tha bride.
(D): You may now kiss the bride.
<sfx> smooch!
Kazumi: Thanks again, Durkon.
Durkon: Aye, well, I still dinnae why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry ye two. ‘e’s at least a follower o’ tha Southern Gods.
(D): Sure, well, I still don’t why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry you two. He’s at least a follower of the Southern Gods.
Daigo: Yeah, but he’s also a paladin…
Daigo: <whispering>…So we thought he might be disappointed by the whole, ”already eight weeks pregnant ,” thing.
Durkon: Och, aye, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
(D): Oh, yeah, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
<cutaway>
Thor: It’s not my fault! She never told me she was a fertility goddess!
Loki: She has flowers in her hair and bluebirds singing around her head. Who do you think she was, the bringer of pestilence?
<cutback>
Hinjo: Friends, if you all might gather around. I have a few words to say. Joyous occasions have been all too rare for some time now. It has been almost four months since our fleet first set sail from Azure City. It has been a very trying time, as I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone here.
<flashback>
Hinjo: <voiceover> We have sailed to four ports since then, each belonging to a Southern nation that we thought of as our ally. We have asked each government to join in our fight to take back our homeland-and four times, we have been refused. Some nations were willing to take in refugees, others provided us with critical supplies, but none have been willing to stand against the lich, for fear of being his next target.
<end flashback>
Hinjo: Throughout this difficult time, however, two of our common citizens have responded with grace and courage to the burdens that have been thrust upon us all. While they may have begun their public service as mere infantry, Kazumi and Daigo have served me loyally in this time of exile, above and beyond their original station.
<flashback>
Hinjo: <voiceover> In particular, their work recruiting new soldiers from refugees evacuated from Azure City is of critical importance… despite many setbacks.
<end flashback>
Hinjo: If we are to ever rebuild our nation, we need the leadership of good people like them. It is therefore my deep honor not only to bless their marriage, but to also recommend that their new family be granted a title of nobility.
Kazumi: What??
Daigo: Us? You’re kidding?!?
Hinjo: Congratulations to both of you. Try to do a better job than our current crop of nobles.
Daigo: Thank you, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: Now you two better get working on a heir, I suppose.
Kazumi: Um… we promise to not disappoint, sir.
Hinjo: Well, then to the success of House D-
Daigo: Actually, I think we’ll use Kazumi’s surname, sir. We’re still saving mine, just in case.
Hinjo: To House Kato, then! May the Twelve Gods bless your union forever!
Wedding Guests: To House Kato!
Elan: *sniff* So beautiful!
Lien: Let me guess: He always cries at weddings, right?
Durkon: Och, nay, na at all. ‘E always cries at good plot exposition.
(D): Oh, no, not at all. He always cries at good plot exposition.
Elan: Did you see how smoothly we worked in into the narrative dialogue? *sob!*

Spoiler: Strip 502

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And I-I-I-I Will Always Love You
Elan, Hinjo

Elan: Hey Hinjo, I was hoping I could talk to you for a-
Hinjo: Elan, now isn’t really a good time. This is the first celebration these people have had since the fall of the city. I need to appear to be enjoying myself. It’s important for morale. Go, have a few drinks.
Elan: I can’t! I’m on duty!
Hinjo: Here we go again…
Elan: My best friend Roy dies while serving as your bodyguard, so I’m honor-bound to protect you until he returns. Or until you finally get killed. Although I could continue protecting your corpse, I suppose. I mean, the job’s called a bodyguard, not a personguard.
Hinjo: And this is why I rest easy every night.
Elan: I know. Sometimes I watch. Besides, how can I relax when Haley is still missing? We need to go back to Azure City for her!
Hinjo: If we were certain that she was there, I might consider it. But your own spellcasters haven’t been able to contact her magically, despite trying dozens of times. And scrying has failed to show anything that’s going on in Azure City. We don’t even know she’s still there. After this many weeks, she could be anywhere in the world. Assuming, of course, that she’s not-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Hinjo: I hope you’re right. But I won’t sail back to Azure City on the slim hope that she’s still there. It’s too dangerous. When we’ve found allies and built our own forces back up, we can retake the city and maybe we’ll find some clue about what happened. You and your friends are free to leave at any port, but I can’t spare a ship on a suicide mission for one person.
Elan: I don’t think Durkon and Vaarsuvius would go with me if I left right now…
Hinjo: Well, if you can’t get your own people to agree, I don’t know what you expect from me, Elan.
Elan: But that’s not fair! We sailed away by accident! We need to go back and-
Hinjo: No, Elan. That’s my final decision. Bring me solid information, and we’ll talk. Until then, there is nothing I can do.
Elan: … Yes, Hinjo.
Hinjo: And for the last time, take off that ridiculous eyepatch!
<sfx> snap!
Elan: Aww, how am I suppose to be a good bodyguard if I don’t look mysterious?? I knew I should have gotten a prison tattoo when I had the chance back in Cliffport!

Spoiler: Strip 503

Show

Surreptitious Admirer
Kubota, Hinjo, Elan, Qarr, Therkla

Kubota: Hinjo! This is a travesty!
Hinjo: That’s LORD Hinjo, Kubota.
Elan: Yeah!
Hinjo: Shush, Elan.
Kubota: You cannot promote two filthy infantry to the nobility!
Hinjo: I certainly can, provided the Twelve Gods agree.
Kubota: But there is a certain refined behavior that comes hand-in-hand with the aristocracy that two common soldiers will never grasp.
Elan: Oh yeah? And does this sending ninja assassin guys after Hinjo in the middle of a battle count as this “refined behavior”?
Kubota: This again? As I patiently explained to the magistrate, those assassins were obviously sent by one of my rivals, and only claimed to work for me as part of an intricate plan to frame me. Since they are now dead and can no longer be directly questioned, I suppose we will never know who was behind just a treasonous act. That WAS your only evidence of my involvement, wasn’t it?
Hinjo: Technically, yes.
Elan: But… that’s just a loopyhole! We KNOW you did it!
Kubota: I have better things to do with my time than stand here and be insulted by some foreigner. I am returning to my ship.
Elan: Ooooo, I hate that guy! Why can’t we throw him in jail?
Hinjo: Because we have yet to prove that he’s done anything wrong. The only magistrate who escaped the city says there’s not even enough evidence to warrant a trial. There will be a day when Kubota will be brought to justice, but not today. As long as he controls the most powerful house-and has the backing of so many other families-any accusation without enough evidence would surely lead to civil war.
Elan: But you’re, like, the king! Or something!
Hinjo: I wish it were that simple. But just because I’m ruler doesn’t give me the right to circumvent the written laws. Otherwise, I’m no better than my uncle.
Elan: What was so bad about your uncle?
Qarr: Can you hear me, Therkla?
Therkla: Yes, your telepathy is coming through loud and clear.
Qarr: Has Kubota left the vessel?
Therkla: Yes, all goes to plan. Hinjo has had several drinks, and is guarded only by the Northerner.
Qarr: Which one?
Therkla: The human with the golden hair. And sparking blue eyes… creamy skin…
Qarr: Uh, yes, well… I’ll order the attack.
Therkla: …lithe but well-muscled body… inviting lips…
Qarr: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with where this reconnaissance is headed…

Spoiler: Strip 504

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That's A Surprisingly Common Reaction
Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Durkon: Vaarsuvius? Are ye still down ‘ere? I haven’t seen ye in a few weeks… Come up an’ join tha party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
(D): Vaarsuvius? Are you still down here? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks… Come up and join the party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
Vaarsuvius: I am devising a new divination spell. I have almost completed it. As of yet, every existing divination or communication spell that wither you or I have cast has failed to locate Miss Starshine- so it stands to reason that a new spell of great potency might succeed, if only on account of it not being specifically blocked by the effect.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, ye know tha we need ta be focusin’ our energy on findin’ Girard’s Gate, na Haley and Roy.
(D): Vaarsuvius, you know that we need to be focusing our energy on finding Girard’s Gate, not Haley and Roy.
Vaarsuvius: In fact, I know no such thing.
Durkon: Look, I’ve known Roy longer ‘n any o’ ye. An I know tha if he were here, he’d want us ta protect tha Gate an’ forget aboot rescuin’ ‘im.
(D): Look, I’ve known Roy longer than any of you. And I know that if he were here, he’d want us to protect the Gate and forget about rescuing him.
Vaarsuvius: If he were here, there would be no NEED to rescue him. He would already be here.
Durkon: Ye know wha I mean! If’n I had his corpse, I’d raise ‘im this instant, but wha good will it do ta throw our lives away after ‘is? Haley tried, an’ now she’s lost too.
(D): You know what I mean! If I had his corpse, I’d raise him this instant, but good will it do to throw our lives away after his? Haley tried, and now she’s lost too.
Vaarsuvius: Of course it is easy for you to forsake them. It is not your fault they became trapped behind enemy lines.
Durkon: V, no one blames ye fer runnin’ when ye ran out o’ spells then…
(D): V, no one blames you for running when you ran out of spells then…
Vaarsuvius: Of course not. Fleeing at that point was the only sound tactical decision. I am saying I am to blame for my magic not being powerful enough to avoid that situation in the first place. I could have saved the lives of countless soldiers with only a slightly greater application of arcane force, but I did not possess the capacity. I could not even protect myself from the death knight-I needed a thinly veiled deus ex machina to save my life! Do you remember when I was obsessed day in and out over gaining more knowledge? What happened? I wasted my time on… on juvenile pranks with a sociopathic halfling! I will not make the same mistake again. I will not allow Miss Starshine to continue to suffer because my spells continue to fail! For this purpose, I have researched this new spell: Vaarsuvius’ Enhanced Scrying! Show me Haley Starshine!!
<spell text> The person cannot be displayed. The person you are looking for is unavailable…location might be experiencing technical difficulties, …may need to adjust your scry settings. Try the following: Click the Refresh spell, or try again later. …spoke the person’s name aloud, make sure that it was pronounced correctly.
Vaarsuvius: NOOOOOOOO!!!

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...Or We Will All Stick Separately
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Elan: Hey, did someone in here just drop to their knees and scream, ”Noooooo”? I got a feeling… Wow, V, you look terrible!
Vaarsuvius: I appreciate you sparing my vanity.
Elan: Have you slept?
Vaarsuvius: Given that I am still an elf, and elves do not sleep, I would venture that the answer to that question shall remain, “No.” However, I have not tranced in… some time.
Durkon: V was writin’ a new scryin’ spell ta find Haley all this time.
(D): V was writing a new scrying spell to find Haley all this time.
Elan: Really?? Did it work?
Vaarsuvius: It did not. Either there remains some magic more powerful than any I can capable of overcoming which is willfully blocking my efforts… Or Miss Starshine is not able to be found as a result of her being-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Vaarsuvius: …Of course.
Durkon: Na ta sound callous, but don’t either o’ ye rememb’r tha our priority is ta save tha world, na two people?
(D): Not to sound callous, but don’t either of you remember that our priority is to save the world, not two people?
Vaarsuvius: Durkon, there are two people that we know that unequivocally can tell us where Girard’s Gate is located. Lord Shojo and Sire Greenhilt, since Shojo gave Sir Greenhilt directions when we first came into his employment. Hinjo and Lien do not possess the knowledge, as the ill-advised Soon’s Oath kept them from knowing any solid data on the other gates, including their precise location. Ergo, any attempt to locate and resuscitate Sir Greenhilt is also the most reliable means of finding Girard’s Gate, is it not?
Durkon: Aye, except ye been tryin’ ta find Roy an Haley fer 3 months, an yer na closer than when ye started! Time ta change plans!
(D): Yeah, except you’ve been trying to find Roy and Haley for 3 months, and you’re not closer than when you started! Time to change plans!
Vaarsuvius: My analysis indicates that finding Girard’s Gate directly is highly unlikely because-
Durkon: Yer analysis? Or yer guilt?
(D): Your analysis? Or your guilt?
Vaarsuvius: Unlike yourself, I do not allow my emotional state to interfere with my-
Elan: HEY!! Both of you, calm down! We’ll figure this out and save them both, but we can’t fight about it! This is, like, a billion times harder than anything we’ve ever had to do without Roy, and we’re only going to get through it by sticking together! Because we’re the Order of the Stick! Get it? By sticking together?
Durkon: Och, lad, tha was horrible.
(D): Ah, lad, that was horrible.
Vaarsuvius: But his point is valid nonetheless. I apologize.
Durkon: Aye, me too.
Elan: Great! So now that that’s settled, Hinjo asked me to tell you both that there’s a raiding party of sea trolls attacking the wedding reception… I was suppose to mention that first, wasn’t I?

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Flanking Crush
Durkon, Elan, Therkla, Qarr, Hinjo, Troll

Durkon: Och! Lookae all o’ tha trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when ya need one?
(D): Wow! Look at all of the trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when you need one?
Elan: I need to get back and protect Hinjo!
Therkla: The distraction is working: Hinjo is unguarded.
Qarr: Then strike, Therkla! Strike now!
<sfx> POW!
Elan: Excuse me! Coming through!
Hinjo: It’s about time, Elan!
Elan: Durkon and V are handling the other end of the ship.
Hinjo: Be careful, they seem pretty enraged for some reason.
Elan: I guess you’d say they’re regen-irate!
Troll: i don’t get it.
Elan: Uh-oh, I may need to dumb down my puns.
Hinjo: The gods help us all.
Elan: Hi!
Therkla: Oh!
Elan: Sorry I knocked you over before, I didn’t see you there.
Therkla: Oh, don’t worry, that happens all the time. ‘Cause, you know. Ninja.
Elan: Hey, get around to the other side of this troll, we’ll flank it.
Therkla: What? No, I’m- I mean, sure, OK. That’s cool with me. Ohmygods, ohmygods, we’re flanking together! He is sooooo into me! YES!
Qarr: What did you say?
Therkla: Nothing! Uh, no, nothing. I’ve… uh… encountered resistance.
Qarr: What kind of resistance?
Therkla: The sexy kind.
Qarr: What?
Therkla: I said, “The dexterous kind.”
Qarr: Oh.
Troll: hey, i thought you were on our side!
Therkla: <whispering> Just shut up and stand still.
Elan: Looks like we’re in con-TROLL of this battle now! Ha ha!
<sfx> schklurt!
Therkla: Ha ha ha, that was really- WHOA!!
<sfx> whump!
Elan: Hey, thanks for the flank, whoever you-
<sfx> sploosh!
Elan: Huh. Where did she go?

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Fantasy Troll-Playing Game
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Lien, Hinjo, Elan

Durkon: Izzit just me, or does this boat seem ta get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
(D): Is it just me, or does this boat seem to get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
Vaarsuvius: I believe that is why they have been dubbed, “Random Encounters,” rather than “Statistically Probable Encounters.”
Durkon: Aye, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, an’ now sea trolls. It’s like Aquatic Subtype’s Greatest Hits ‘round ‘ere.
(D): Yeah, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, and now sea trolls. It’s like Aquatic Subtype’s Greatest Hits around here.
<sfx> THONK!
Vaarsuvius: I fail to see the problem. More encounters lead to more experience, which leads to a higher level-and a greater chance of defeating whatever effect is impeding my scrying efforts. My only regret is that the majority of the marauders we have clashed with so far have been so effortlessly vanquished.
Lien: Easy for you to say, you’re already high level. But we’re losing good men and women with each attack.
Durkon: Aye, lass, we know. These two’ve killed and cooked, how else can we help?
(D): Lien, we know. These two have killed and cooked, how else can we help?
Lien: Two fishing vessels sailing off the port stern have troll boarders as well. Can you two handle them and heal any wounded citizens?
Durkon: Aye, we’ll take care o’ it.
(D): Yeah, we’ll take care of it.
Vaarsuvius: Fly.
Durkon: Uh… which side is-
(D): Uh… which side is-
Lien: For the five hundredth time, port is THAT way.
Durkon: Sorry. It’s na something ye really think’ll come up too much when yer a dwarf…
(D): Sorry. It’s not something you really think will come up too much when you’re a dwarf…
Lien: Lord Hinjo, are you OK?
Hinjo: Yeah, we just killed the last of them.
Elan: This wedding is now troll-free!
Hinjo: I’m confused though. I remember reading that trolls could heal all their wounds-even from death-unless you used fire or acid to kill them.
Elan: Yeah, we just stabbed them a lot and they fell over.
Lien: That’s because they were scrags. Aquatic trolls. They only regenerate when immersed in water. What did you guys do with the trolls’ corpses, anyway?
Hinjo: …
Elan: We dumped them overboard.

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Sure Beats Flatware
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Lien, Kazumi, Daigo

Durkon: …an’ by tha time we got thar, tha first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but tha second…
(D): …and by the time we got there, the first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but the second…
Vaarsuvius: There were no survivors.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods damn them!
Lien: Sir, I’ve known many sailors, and our trading routes have never suffered this many monster attacks.
Hinjo: I was hoping that one of our allies would allow the entire fleet to land, but I can’t wait for that anymore. We’re too vulnerable to attack when we’re spread out over the entire fleet. I won’t let entire ships of civilians get picked off one at a time. We need to find an uninhabited patch of land and settle temporarily. Only then can we protect ourselves AND focus on the task of reclaiming our home.
Lien: Yes, sir. The citizens can help us build a colony.
Hinjo: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a fort…
Elan: Oooo! I know! How about a walled city with a big castle? Oh, right. We already had one of those.
Vaarsuvius: This discussion is fascinating, truly, but I must attend to other business elsewhere.
Durkon: Wait, where are ye going?
(D): Wait, where are you going?
Vaarsuvius: Back to my research. I need to utilize my new scrying spell to look for the halfling, as well as Sir Greenhilt (on the off-chance that he was raised without our intervention). I do not expect any success, but for the sake of thoroughness I must attempt it. After that, I will begin to research another new spell and cast it with regards to each of the three, and so on and so forth until I locate one of them. Perhaps if I enchanted some sort of finding-animal and send it out to search…
Durkon: But we need yer spells up here ta-
(D): But we need your spells up here to-
Vaarsuvius: I see no need for further discussion. Do not disturb me for anything with a Challenge Rating lower than 11.
Elan: Wow, V sure is dedicated to finding our friends!
Durkon: I suppose. Or ‘e’s just dedicated to winning.
(D): I suppose. Or he’s just dedicated to winning.
Elan: What do you mean?
Durkon: …It’s na important. Let’s help wit tha clean-up.
(D): … It’s not important. Let’s help with the clean-up.
Elan: I feel bad for Kazumi and Daigo, you know. Their whole wedding reception got trashed!
Durkon: Dinnae worry, lad. They got a weddin’ gift tha more than makes up fer it.
(D): Don’t worry, Elan. They got a wedding gift that more than makes up for it.
Elan: You mean being ennobled?
Durkon: Better.
(D): Better.
<cutover>
<sfx> DING! DING!
Kazumi: Welcome to 6th level, honey.
Daigo: I love you.

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It Has Flowers, Hearts, and a DC 30 Lock
Kubota, Servant, Therkla, Qarr

Kubota: -and I want chilled caviar served at my coronation dinner. Nothing but the finest.
Servant: Daimyo, we have limited supplies on board. Where would we get-
Kubota: It’s fish eggs. We’re on the ocean. Twelve Gods, work it out somehow. Therkla! I take it from your return that this tedious event planning is worth the effort. Shojo’s whelp sleeps with the fishes.
Therkla: Well… he sleeps sort of near the fishes. Because he’s on a boat. Does that count?
Kubota: Oh, Therkla, my dear. Please, please PLEASE tell me you’re not getting seawater on my imported rug without better news than that!
Therkla: I’m sorry, Master. I have failed you again.
Qarr: I knew it! See, Kubota, I knew that the half-orc could not longer be trusted! I kept getting feelings through the telepathic link. Strange, tingly feelings… coupled with an urge to write them down in my diary…
Kubota: Nonsense, little one. Therkla has been my most trusted assassin for seven years.
Therkla: Yeah, I’ve been here a lot longer than you have-ever since I graduated valedictorian from Ninja School.
<flashback>
Therkla: I am salutatorian-no more!
<sfx> SPLURTCH!
<end flashback>
Kubota: Her loyalty to me is beyond reproach. I will not hear of it again. Though I am starting to doubt her effectiveness…
Therkla: No, Master, you don’t understand! It’s that bodyguard of Hinjo’s! He’s too clever!
Kubota: The bodyguard AGAIN? Odd. I had been left with the distinct impression that he was a simple-minded buffoon who had lucked into success by following the dwarf and the elf…
Therkla: Not at all, Master. That is simply…uh…a cunning façade. Beneath lurks a canny warrior!
Qarr: Then perhaps our next move should focus on killing the just the bodyguard.
Kubota: Yes, Qarr, that would seem prudent to-
Therkla: NO!!! I mean…um…he’s far too strong for any assassination attempt to work! We need to…uh…distract him! Find a way of getting him away from Hinjo, so that we wouldn’t hurt him. I mean, so that he won’t hurt us.
Kubota: I suppose. The two of you coordinate the details, then.
Qarr: Maybe a plan that doesn’t involve me charming a few dozen monsters, for once?
Therkla: Ok. I just need to stop by my quarters and write something down before I forget the details.
Qarr: HA! See? I told you! Diary!
Therkla: It’s not a crime to keep a poetry journal! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIES OF MY HEART!

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Killer View
Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: OK, OK, turn it off. I can’t watch another moment of those double-crossers.
Eugene: I don’t see what the noble has to do with the-
Roy: Not Kubota, Dad, my friends! They went a got themselves a new villain behind my back, those two-timing jerks! I thought we had a quest that was special, but they’re off having their deaths planned by some OTHER evil mastermind.
Roy’s Archon: Now, Roy, it’s a big narrative. It’s understandable that they’d want to sow their oats with some B-list antagonist. I know it hurts now, but they’ll come crawling back to your main plot sooner or later.
Roy: I guess you’re right… At least I know why they haven’t raised me: they don’t have my corpse yet. I wonder what’s happened to it…It’s sort of weird not knowing where my body is. Kinda like losing your wallet. You just have to hope no one’s doing anything too illegal with the contents. Hey, wait- Can we just scry on my corpse? That would be a lot easier.
Eugene: Nope. I can only scry on people. Your body is an object now-a big, dumb object most suited for use as a battering ram or a shield. So, you know, pretty much the same as when you were alive.
Roy: Crap. And we can’t scry on Haley, because that’s-
Eugene: Hold on there, Object-Man, who said we can’t scry on your redhead chick?
Roy: Well, I figured since V had so much trouble…
Eugene: Son, this ain’t some elf’s toy crystal ball here. This is the View From Above. This is where the celestials come to watch us. There’s scrying power to spare. Check it out:
<cloud text> epic inside
Eugene: You want to scry on your friend, let’s scry on her.
Roy’s Archon: If she is alive and on the mortal plane, we should be able to see her.
Roy: Wow. It’s even weirder for stuff to just work out in my favor like that…
Eugene: Hey, maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll be in the shower.
Roy: Dad! She’s a co-worker!
Eugene: What? It’s not like I haven’t looked down to check out her knockers before…
Roy: DAD!!
Eugene: Fine, fine. What was her full name again?
Roy: Haley Starshine. Haley… Haley Starshine… Haley Starshine… Haley…
<wall text> DEATH TO HUMANS

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Guerillas in Their Midst
Prisoner, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin 2, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Niu

<sfx> KRACKK!!
Prisoner: AHH!
Hobgoblin 1: Reporting for duty.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Welcome to the granary, then. I don’t know what your pervious assignment was, but I’ll find you in on the basics. Your job really boils down to whipping these human slaves while they carry stuff from Point A to Point B.
Hobgoblins: Does the whipping make them move faster?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Not really. But it critically important to maximize the favor of the food here.
Hobgoblin 1: …What?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Well, we’re a “Usually Evil” race, so Evil food tastes better to us than Good food.
Hobgoblin 2: And Evil food starts by whipping the slaves who carry it.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Their screams of agony will actually waft up and sweeten the food they’re carrying.
Hobgoblin 1: Wow… I never knew that.
Hobgoblin 2: It’s true. Biological fact.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Nah, we’re just messing with you. We whip them to make them move faster.
Hobgoblin 2: Ha ha ha! Oh, man, I can’t believe you bought that!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Seriously, though, this is important: If one of the elderly slaves starts to falter or slow down, you have to whip them even harder.
Hobgoblin 2: Yell at them to go faster, too.
Hobgoblin 1: Why? I mean, if they are physically incapable of going faster due to age, why whip them for it?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Well, because it’s funny.
Hobgoblin 2: I nearly pee myself laughing when when they fall down like a wet sack of sticks.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Ooo! Look, there’s one slowing down now.
Hobgoblin 2: New guy, the honor is yours.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Now, make sure you have a good grip on the handle, and don’t forget to follow through.
Hobgoblin 2: Pretend you’re Harrison Ford.
<sfx> snap!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Oh, right. Forgot to mention. Whenever you start to whip an elderly slave, there’s about a 60% chance that some sort of hero will show up to stop you.
Hobgoblin 2: It really wears thin after awhile.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Hey! Who gave those slaves hoods?
Hobgoblin 1: I’m pretty sure we should be more worried about who gave them weapons.
Haley: The true slaves here are you-slaves to an insane undead monster! We came to rescue these prisoners of war, because we are- THE RESISTANCE!
Isamu: Wait- “The Resistance”? I thought we agreed we were going to call ourselves, “The Azure City Underground”?
Thanh: I thought we were going to with, “Sapphire Liberation Front”.
Niu: I still prefer, “Rebel Alliance”.
Haley: OK, OK, name notwithstanding, we’re here to free the slaves.
Isamu: But you just said that the hobgoblins were the true slaves. Does that mean-
Haley: Oh my GODS, will you shut up and start resisting someone already?!?
Isamu: Technically, I’m resisting-
Haley: Resisting someone OTHER than me?!?!
Isamu: Oh.

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They've Had Time to Train, Too
Haley, Niu, Thanh, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin Tower 5, Hobgoblin Main Tower

Haley: OK, people, let’s do this like we’ve been training: In, out, and gone before anyone’s the wiser. Niu, you and Isamu round up the prisoners and get them moving toward the tunnels.
Niu: Yes, Haley.
Haley: And I want all of you carrying as much food as you can-we need supplies badly, especially if we’re ganna have more mouths to feed. Thanh, can you handle the granary guards by yourself?
Thanh: The anguished souls of a thousand unjustly slain Azurites will guide each swing of my blade.
Haley: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Go, I’ll take out the browncoat. Good morning, gentlemen. At least, I think it’s morning. Sort of tough to tell these days, what with the giant swirling rift that blocks out the sun. Anyway, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each.
<sfx> fft! fft! fft!
Haley: The good news is, I don’t have to bother thinking up the second half to that joke, ‘cause you’re all dead now. Looks like it’s just you and me now, wizard. Hit me with your-
Hobgoblin Cleric: DANCING LIGHTS!
Haley: ..“Dancing Lights”? That’s like a 0th-level spell! Geez, what kind of low-level lame-ass spellcaster are you? You’ve got one chance before I perforate you, and you choose……Dancing……Lights.
<cutaway>
<wall text> DEATH
Tower Five: Main Tower, we’re seeing a red diamond signal in sector 18, near the granary.
Main Tower: Copy that, Tower 5, we see it too.
<cutback>
Hobgoblin Cleric: OK, so I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got bad news.

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Security Deposit
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Haley, Isamu, Niu, Tsukiko, Wight 1, Wight 2

Hobgoblin 1: Red diamond? I don’t think I’ve seen that one since we started the new system.
Hobgoblin 2: Let me look it up on the chart.
<chart text> Security Advisory System. Diamond Signal. SEVERE. Encounter of Level 13+. High Chance of PCs. HIGH. Encounter of Level 9 - 12. Moderate Chance of PCs. ELEVATED. Encounter of Level 6 - 8. Low Chance of PCs. GUARDED. Encounter of Level 3 - 5. Negligible Chance of PCs.
Hobgoblin 2: Well, damn!
Hobgoblin 3: Sir, Black Squadron reports that they are ready for immediate dispatch.
Hobgoblin 2: Then send them in. And order all other units out of the area.
Haley: Change of plans! Drop any food that puts you over light encumbrance and run for the tunnels!
Isamu: What? But you said-
Haley: I know what I said! But that wizard got off some kind of signal. That means we have incoming forces, and we need to get our resistant butts out of here, NOW!
Niu: Haley, we beat these slavers easily enough, we’re ready to fight more.
Haley: I’m not expecting more hobgoblins…
<cutaway>
<sfx>BAMF!
Tsukiko: Teleport! OK, Black Squadron, now: everyone is bundled up with all of their buff spells, let’s fan out and find some insurgents.
Wight 1: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Remember, we’re using the Buddy System, so stick together in case one of you gets attacked.
Wight 2: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: And if you see a Good cleric, what do you do?
Wight 1: Blow on our safety whistle.
Tsukiko: Exactly.

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Elan Would Be So Proud
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Wight 1, Wight 2, Belkar

Tsukiko: Hmmm… this looks like Starshine’s work… The arrows match last week’s jailbreak. Can you hear me, Haley? I’m coming for you, and this time, you won’t slip away into the darkness.
<boxes text> Gouda. Product of Cliffport. IMPORTED from GREYSKY CITY. FRAGILE. FRAGILE.
Haley: <whispering> Tsukiko. Just what I was afraid of. Did Niu make it to the tunnels with the prisoners?
Isamu: <whispering> I think so. She was leading them straight there when I lost sight of her.
Haley: <whispering> Good. Tsukiko’s Spot check sucks, but even she couldn’t miss a mob of twenty-plus freed slaves. So the rest of us just need to stay hidden until she passes by, then make a break for the tunnel. Wait- where’s Thanh?
Isamu: <whispering> Don’t know. He hasn’t come back from the granary.
Haley: <whispering> Damn it! I knew bringing him along was a mistake.
<cutaway>
Thanh: Consider this a partial downpayment on the full measure of righteous vengeance that was owned you!
Wight 1: Check it out, buddy: I think we’ve found our insurgent.
Wight 2: Nice.
Wight 1: I call dibs on his levels that are divisible by three!
Wight 2: Aw, man! You always get the best ones. Fine, I call his levels divisible by four.
Wight 1: I hope he’s not 12th level…
Thanh: Back, undead minions! You won’t be draining anything today! TURN UNDEAD!
Wight 1: Ahhh! The light! It stings in an uncomfortable manner!
<sfx> tweet! tweet! tweet!
Thanh: Very well, dark abominations, I suppose I shall pay the balance of my debt today.
Belkar: Oh, wait, crap. This is my cue, isn’t it?
<sfx> bonk!
Belkar: Sorry, would have jumped in earlier, but you know how the old saying goes: “Don’t fire until you see the eyes of their wights.”

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A Momentary Experience
Belkar, Wight 1, Wight 2, Wight 3, Thanh

Belkar: Now if only I could figure out some way to make them explode on impact…
Wight 1: Did-did that halfling just hit me in the face with a pineapple??
Wight 2: I think he did. Also, I think no one has ever asked that exact question in the history of civilization, so bonus points there. Grrrarrr!
Wight 3: Die!
Belkar: Step right up, gentlemen, I have two daggers, no waiting.
Thanh: You certainly took enough time to show yourself. One of us could have been killed by now.
Belkar: First of all, watch where you’re swinging that Smite Evil, Mustache-for-Brains. Second of all, I can’t injure living creatures inside the borders of a town due to the Mark of Justice, remember?
<sfx> sklunk!
Belkar: Something for which you can thank your partner-in-ridiculous-blue-facial-hair, Hinjo, for not removing BEFORE he sailed off into the sunset. I wasn’t about to show myself until I was sure we were fighting undead. At least these guys have decent Hit Dice, so I should get-
<sfx> DING!
Belkar: YES!!! New level for Belkar! Three months trapped in this lame-ass city, hiding until those few times undead showed up, and I finally earned enough XP to level! Ranger? Barbarian? Maybe an overpowered prestige class? Woooo! I am the champion, my friend! And I’ll keep on fighting to the end! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained-
<sfx> poke.
Belkar: Never mind.

Spoiler: Strip 516

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Turning Azurite, I Think I'm Turning Azurite, I Really Think So
Thanh, Belkar, Tsukiko, Wight

Thanh: The wights are vanquished. Let us make hasty our escape, that we might live to fight the forces of Evil another day.
Belkar: Yeah, hold on a moment, I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye, inside the granary.
Thanh: We do not have time to investigate.
Belkar: Hey, you may not have noticed, but I don’t succeed on many Spot checks. I’m not going to ignore it when I finally roll and natural 20. Besides, if this ends up being what I think it is, it’s worth the risk…
Thanh: Bah! You care more for your own profit than our holy mission to restore this nation’s rightful government?
Belkar: Turns out. Gee, there’s a shocker.
Thanh: Fine. I do not know what possible benefit Haley possibly sees in his continued assistance, but I need not indulge his avarice. He can find his own way-
Tsukiko: Flame Strike!
Thanh: AAAARGH!
Tsukiko: Is that him? Is that the one who turned you, my little one?
Wight: Uh huh! He made me feel funny inside!
<sfx> ZZZZAP!
Tsukiko: You big bully! I made him only four weeks ago! You’re lucky this isn’t First Edition, or we’ll see how you’d like it if someone turned YOU, paladin!
<sfx> woosh!
Thanh: You vile betrayer! You have sold out our entire civilization to outsiders!
Tsukiko: Yeah, but at least I got a good price for it. What can I say? It was a seller’s market. Besides, they were the ones who threw ME into prison for being different-for understanding that a pulse is not a prerequisite for being loved! They all got exactly what they deserved! But I guess we’ll have to settle for a different sort of turning for you. Dominate Person!
Thanh: Nnnnnno! Twelve Gods help me!
Tsukiko: Now, let’s go find that boss of yours.
Thanh: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Personally, I think you and Haley will both appreciate how wonderful and special the undead are after you walk a mile in their shoes…
Wight: Mistress, I’m not wearing shoes.
Tsukiko: It’s a metaphor, dearie.
Wight: Does that mean I’m getting shoes soon?
Tsukiko: No.
Wight: …Can I have his shoes?
Tsukiko: You’re really undercutting my point here, you know.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 517 to 532
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 517

Show

Probably Best to Choose at Random
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu

Tsukiko: Haley? I know you’re around here somewhere. I’m tired of looking for you and you’re probably tired of hiding, so let’s cut to the chase. I’ve got your paladin friend under my magical control here. If you don’t come out by the count of ten, I’ll command him to start playing “Pattycake”.
<boxes text> Gouda. Product of Cliffport. IMPORTED from GREYSKY CITY.
Haley: …”Pattycake”? Is that suppose to be a threat?
Tsukiko: -with the wight.
Haley: Oh.
Isamu: Damn her! Thanh won’t make it to the end of the second line before he’s a lifeless husk! What are you going to do?
Haley: I’m going out there.
Isamu: What?? Haley, are you nuts? It’s a trap!
Haley: Gee, y’think? But when the city fell, I had an opportunity to go back and save a paladin named O-Chul from certain doom, and I didn’t do it. Oh, sure, I had reasons, but… it’s bothered me ever since that I abandoned a good man to a probably gruesome fate. I’m not letting history repeat itself. Stay hidden until you’re sure you can get to the tunnel safely.
Isamu: Haley, if you surrender, who will lead the-
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there a moment. Who the heck said anything about surrendering? I’m going out there to shove a magic flaming arrow up one of her orifices. If you have any preference for which one, I’m taking suggestions.

Spoiler: Strip 518

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At Least It Wasn't the Fourth Wall Again
Tsukiko, Booted Wight, Haley

Tsukiko: Six… seven…
<sfx> fffffthunk! thunk! thunk!
Tsukiko: AAARGH!
Booted Wight: No, Mistress, it’s “eight”, not “aaargh”.
Haley: You want a piece of me, Tsukiko? Come up here and take it! You and me, Round Four!
Tsukiko: Sounds like fun, let me just erase these Sneak Attacks. Cure Critical Wounds! Paladin, I’ve been wounded by that thief. Use your Lay on Hands ability to heal me the rest of the way. There, good as new, almost. Fireball.
Haley: Hey, can someone explain why I’m always fighting skanky chicks who fly? I mean, Sabine, Samantha, Tsukiko… I bet even the druid’s hawk was some sort of bird-hussy. I should take a level of ranger so I can choose Favored Enemy (Airborne Tramp).
Tsukiko: Tramp? Pfft, you’re just jealous of my dark mysterious beauty.
Haley: Oh, no, sister, I’ve been down that fashion road before. Sure, the black clothes look sexy, but eventually you turn, like, seventeen and realize that all your dark middle-class angst isn’t really that meaningful in a world where literal flesh-and-blood demons eat people from time to time.
Tsukiko: Screw this! Invisibility!
<sfx> tumble!
Haley: What? Giving up already? I thought we’d have a few more rounds of me effortlessly dodging your spells while making you look like a goth porcupine.
Tsukiko: Why bother? You’re right, Haley. You can dodge any spell I can cast that allows a Reflex save. That’s why after our last fight… …I looked up a few evocations that use attack rolls instead. Electric Orb.
Haley: Hey, that’s not a core sp-
<sfx> zzzzzzzzzz. POW!

Spoiler: Strip 519

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Nightmare on Blue Street
Haley, Thanh, Tsukiko, Wight 1, Wight 2

Haley: Unnnhhh… At least I landed back in the panel…
<sfx> ZZAP!!
Haley: AAAA!!!
<sfx> *pant* *pant* *pant*
Haley: What the heck?!? What kind of unbalanced spells is she using? I guess I better watch my-
<sfx> slash!!
Haley: Aaaa! Crap!! Thanh! Snap out of it! It’s me, Haley! You don’t want to attack me, do you?
Thanh: Thieves break the law. Thieves deserve punishment. Must attack. Must attack.
<sfx> SLASH!
Haley: Nnnnnh! OK, I know a fight my class wasn’t designed for when I see one. I’m supposed to be the flanker, not the flankee.
Tsukiko: I’m just getting started! I’m a mystic theurge, I have more spells than you have hit points! Fire Orb! Quickened Lesser Acid Orb!
Haley: Isamu! Isamu, I need help! I need you to- Oh gods.
Wight 1: Delicious, but the portion was too small. I’m still hungry.
Wight 2: Not a problem, here comes the second course.
Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror-and just my luck, I’m stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I’m going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.

Spoiler: Strip 520

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The Power of Immediate Gratification
Tsukiko, Haley, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy

Tsukiko: You friends in the so-called “Resistance” can’t help you now-
Haley: Belkar! Help!!
Tsukiko: Didn’t I just say that your friends won’t- Wait a minute… Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Belkar: Yup. Maximum Security.
Tsukiko: Hey, yeah, that’s it! We were in jail together! Second-degree murder, right?
Belkar: What a rip-off. I totally premeditated, you know. I guess taking Hinjo’s offer worked out for you, then.
Tsukiko: Can’t complain. I switched sides mid-battle, now I’ve got a cushy position with my own death squad.
Belkar: Sweet.
Haley: Uh, Belkar? Help?
Tsukiko: How about you? I remember you taunting that ex-paladin in the cells, did you get to stick a knife in their backs?
Belkar: I wish. Nah, I’ve been stuck with these losers, bumming around making small-time raids on the food supply.
Tsukiko: Aw, geez. That’s rough.
Belkar: Yeah. Well, a halfling’s gotta eat, you know, and all the hobgoblins pretty much attack on sight.
Tsukiko: Listen-Belkar, is it?-I’ve got some pull with the Big Man himself. Why don’t I try to set up an interview for you with our side? This job has it all, seriously. Good salary, good healthcare from all the low-level hobgoblin clerics, and a corner office in the accursed town Xykon wrenched from the unhallowed ground with his dark magic.
Belkar: I don’t know, I don’t really see myself behind a desk…
Tsukiko: Oh, no, it would be completely a hands-on position. We need a new Head Executioner, you know. Xykon killed the last one for spelling “guillotine” wrong on his daily reports.
Belkar: Well, it’s tempting. I’ve been wondering whether it wasn’t time to stop screwing around and get down to some serious large-scale killing. I’m not getting any younger, you know. But, it’s weird, I still feel some small bit of loyalty to Azure City’s ruler.
Tsukiko: Who? Hinjo? He’s not even here-
Belkar: Hell no, not that tool. I meant the TRUE power in Azure City.
Tsukiko: “True Power”? Who is-
Mr. Scruffy: mmRRRRROWWW!! HISS!!
<sfx> scratch! scratch! scratch!
Tsukiko: Get it off! Get it OFF!
Haley: Nice Bluff check, Belkar! You really caught her off guard!
Belkar: What Bluff check? I was going to take the deal, right up until the point where I remembered how much I was looking forward to flinging an angry housecat in someone’s soft and unprotected face.

Spoiler: Strip 521

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Remorse
Belkar, Haley, Tsukiko, Mr. Scruffy, Wight, Thanh

Belkar: Look on the bright side: At least you don’t own me 20 gp anymore. I mean, unless someone raises you, then you better pay up, or we’ll be right back to me stabbing you.
Haley: Listen, Belkar, I’m still proud of you for picking our side. Especially since Xykon is probably strong enough to have removed the Mark of Justice from you, too.
<sfx> thunk!
Belkar: CRAP! I completely didn’t think of that! That totally changes everything! Man, do you think it’s too late to change my answer?
Haley: Gee, Belkar, I don’t know, let’s look and see.
<sfx> fizzle!
Tsukiko: Someone get it off me! I can’t concentrate on my spells!
Mr. Scruffy: mmrrRRROW! HISS! HISS!
Wight: I’ll get it off you, Mistress.
Tsukiko: NO! Someone who won’t drain a level when they touch me!
Mr. Scruffy: mmrrRROW! HISS!
Belkar: …Maybe she’s the forgiving type?
Thanh: Coming to help, Mistress.
Haley: Stop worrying about it and get ahead of Thanh for a second, OK?
Belkar: Huh? Why?
Haley: *sigh* Just do it, Belkar. Sorry, Isamu…I really need to borrow this.
Belkar: “Just do it, Belkar.” I bet Xykon doesn’t order his minions around so rudely.
Haley: Thanks for the flank. SNEAK ATTACK!
Belkar: HEY! You can’t go switching sides in the middle of battle!!!
Haley: Why not? You were thinking about it.
Belkar: Exactly! That job offer belongs to me!!! Not to mention that when I did it, it was cutting edge. If you do it, it’s just gonna go mainstream, and pretty soon-
Haley: I’m not switching sides. Thanh was Dominated by your prospective employer there, so I knocked him out with the sap.
Belkar: Dominated, huh? I didn’t know Thanh was into that sort of kinky stuff… I mean, the flying chick, sure, obviously. But I never would have thought-
Haley: Not that sort of domination, you idiot! Help me carry him. We need to get out of here before Tsukiko regains her concentration-and we need to get him back to HQ before he wakes up.
Belkar: Yeah… So you’re absolutely sure the “Join the villains” deal is off the table?
Haley: Belkar!
Belkar: Because I’m willing to negotiate. I’d be satisfied with a regular office.
Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: OK, OK, just a cubicle, then.

Spoiler: Strip 522

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We're Doomed If She Finds the Map Key
Belkar, Haley, Mr. Scruffy, Tsukiko, Booted Wight

Belkar: Check it out: no shoes! Looks like someone wants to be just like the Belkster when he grows up.
Haley: Less unchecked ego, more running. The secret door is right down this alley.
Belkar: That’s your secret door?!?
Haley: Yeah, of course. Why do you think they mark them on maps that way? Hey, Roy. Hope you don’t mind sharing the cart for a bit. OK, we’re set. Close the door.
Belkar: Not yet, I’ve still got a few actions to take. Mr. Scruffy! Here kitty! I’ve got tuna treats!
Mr. Scruffy: meow!
Tsukiko: You little feline bastard, get back here! Cold Orb!! Damn it! Why did I prepare so many spells that need roll attacks?!?
Belkar: In you go, Mr. Scruffy. Oh, and hey, Tsukiko. On behalf of all the men in the city: Thanks for wearing a short skirt while flying. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Heh.
<sfx> SLAM!!
Tsukiko: I’ll give you something to think about, you triple-crossing hairy-footed pipsqueak who can’t even manage to get himself convicted of first-degree- Where the hell did they go??
Booted Wight: Maybe they polymorphed into boxes, Mistress?

Spoiler: Strip 523

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Orders That Won't Stick
Niu, Haley, Slave, Belkar

Niu: Haley! Thank the Twelve Gods! I was getting worried. Where’s Isamu?
Haley: He didn’t make it. We need to hurry back to HQ before Thanh wakes up, too.
Slave: Thank you for rescuing us, miss. We are indebted to you and your cause.
Haley: You’re welcome. I only wish I could have done more to-
Belkar: HEY! Who gave you permission to speak? I want you three pulling the cart, and get two others to carry me, like on a litter or something. And get someone to fan me, preferably a chick. NOW, people! Move!
Haley: Belkar, what are you doing? These people have been worked half to death, they’re not going to carry you back.
Belkar: Haley, they’re slaves. You give them orders, they carry them out for you. That’s the simple elegance of enslavement.
Haley: They’re not YOUR slaves!
Belkar: You can have a few, too. There’s plenty to go around.
Haley: No, I mean they’re not slaves!
Belkar: I don’t follow. Look, you told me that the whole point of the mission was to get the slaves, right? And I thought, “Cool, I hate doing my own laundry.” And now we have the slaves, mission accomplished, three cheers for us. All I’m trying to do is use the slaves for their intended purpose, I fail to see the problem.
Haley: The problem is that the mission was to FREE the slaves, not transfer ownership!
Belkar: …Are you sure? Because I don’t see how that benefits me at all.
Haley: Belkar, since the only reason we have to lug Roy’s disgusting smelly corpse around is because YOU can’t travel more than a mile away from it without triggering that stupid Mark of Justice curse, why don’t YOU pull the cart?
Belkar: Uh, because we have slaves to do it? I mean seriously, Haley, try to think a little before opening your mouth.
Haley: They’re not slaves! NOT SLAVES! They are free! Free men, free women, free hermaphrodites if there are any here! They don’t have to take orders from me or you or anyone, they are free, free, FREE!!
Belkar: OK, OK, calm down, I get it! You’re saying you don’t want any slaves for yourself, then. That’s cool, I’ll give yours to Mr. Scruffy.
Niu: Haley, why are you-
Haley: It’s just easier this way. Trust me.

Spoiler: Strip 524

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Pretender To the Throne
Male Cleric, Haley, Female Cleric, Belkar, Thanh

Male Cleric: Welcome back! You’ve done it again, Haley. The people of Azure City are in your debt.
Haley: Cool. I accept Visa and MasterCard.
Female Cleric: Oh! You’ve been injured!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Female Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Haley: Thanks, guys. But we’re got bigger problems than a few scratches. Thanh here has been Dominated by Tsukiko.
Female Cleric: Really? He hardly seems the sort to be into the type of-
Haley: Not that type of dominated.
Female Cleric: Oh. Haley, if we had access to 3rd-level spells like Dispel Magic, our food shortages would be easily fixable.
Male Cleric: We might have a scroll in the pile we salvaged from the temple, though…
Haley: No… if you do, save it. I just got another idea that might work.
Belkar: Yeah… kick that string’s ass, Mr. Scruffy.
<panel text> A short time later.
Belkar: I feel ridiculous. How is this supposed to help?
Haley: I’ll explain later. OK, wake him up and then back off a good distance.
Male Cleric: Cure Light Wounds.
Haley: Hey, Thanh! Look! It’s your master, Lord Shojo!
Belkar: What?!?!
Haley: <whispering> Play along.
Thanh: Must… attack…
Belkar: Uh, yes! It’s me, Lord Shojo! Mr. Scruffy says don’t attack me. It would be wrong. Did I mention I have no weapons and am easily pushing 80 years old?
Thanh: Must… attack…
Haley: <whispering> Geez, could you at least TRY to sound a little more like him?
Belkar: <whispering> Why don’t we get the party bard to do it? Oh, right, he sailed away from your overly-critical fat ass.
Belkar: Uh… strike me down, and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Thanh: Must… attack……but… Lord Shojo… NO!! No, I cannot! To strike down my liege would violate everything I believe in! I should take my own life for even considering such an act!
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need for that, it’s just Belkar. The spell’s all gone now.
Thanh: Yes… I feel my head clearing…
Male Cleric: Here, this way, Thanh. You need rest.
Thanh: Where did my shoes go?
Belkar: I have absolutely no idea what just happened here…
Haley: It’s easy. We used a loophole to break Tsukiko’s enchantment. Magic domination can be broken if the order if given against the subject’s true nature, right? And what’s the one act that we know-from direct empirical evidence-can cause a paladin to be stripped of his powers? Killing their defenseless liege lord! So it stood to reason that as such, doing so would be against Thanh’s true nature, and he would get a new saving throw. I’m just glad having the real Mr. Scruffy gave you such a good circumstance bonus to your Disguise check to look like him…
Belkar: I was BAIT?? What if he didn’t buy it? Or worse, what if he did but it turned out he was “Miko 2: Electric Bugaloo” and did the deed anyway?!? I could have been killed!
Haley: Yeah, I thought of that… But then I realized that you just proved that there’s plenty of room on the cart for your corpse. So I tried it anyway.
Belkar: Ha ha, very funny, Haley. But I know you wouldn’t let me get killed such to save some NPC paladin, just because he’s loyal and trustworthy and honest and- … Ah, crap.

Spoiler: Strip 525

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Look More Closelier
Roy, Eugene, Roy’s Archon

Roy: Heh heh, good for you, Haley. Take that little jerk down a peg.
Eugene: Are you done watching this complete waste of time yet?
Roy: “Waste of time”? Are we watching the same scrying pool? She’s raised an entire resistance movement pretty much on her own. Mind you, I really wish she had managed to find a cleric to raise me by now, but given her sharply limited resources, I think she’s doing pretty well for herself.
Eugene: She’s just frittering away a perfect opportunity! Xykon is right here, she should be trying to kill him!
Roy: She’s helping innocent people, dad. That’s never a waste.
Eugene: It is even she could help MORE innocent people by destroying one monster.
Roy: She’s a rogue. It’s not like she can Sneak Attack a lich with a bow. The arrow would go right through his ribcage.
Eugene: Funny, I seem to remember making a similar argument regarding swords once… How’d that end up working for you?
Roy: Well, it’s not going to matter in a few minutes anyway. That’s my corpse she’s pulling in the cart, and more importantly right now, my sword.
Eugene: Didn’t we just cover that a sword wouldn’t be enough?
Roy: She’s not going to swing it, Dad. It’s my sword, the Greenhilt sword. You told me it was the spiritual link-that you were able to appear to me in ghost form because the sword was whole. All we need is for me to pop down as a ghost, tell Haley where to find Durkon, and we can get this show on the road!
Eugene: Your dwarf friend is out at sea somewhere, how’s she gonna-
Roy: I’ll worry about that later. If she knows I can lead her to Elan, she’ll have reason to escape the city instead of waiting for them to come back. That alone will be progress. So quit your naysaying and tell me how to get from up here to down there as a ghost.
Eugene: Well, if you put it like that, it’s very simple. You need to look down into the scrying pool and concentrate on your sword.
Roy: OK, I’m concentrating.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to absorb the scene. Notice every detail.
Roy: OK, I’m absorbing it all.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to focus on-
Roy: I’m focused already! Now what?
Eugene: Now this. Summon Boot!
<sfx> PUNT!
Roy: GAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Eugene: Ha! Now who’s been taken down a peg?
Roy’s Archon: *sigh* It’s opportunities like this that really make me miss having feet.

Spoiler: Strip 526

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He's Just Pine-ing for the Fjords
Flumph 1, Flumph 2, Ghost of Lame Monsters Past, Roy, Haley, Niu, Belkar, Isamu

Flumph 1: Look, the travel guide said that the political climate of Azure City was “safe for monsters”. How was I supposed to know they meant only Evil monsters?
Flumph 2: And so we’re stuck wandering around a bunch of caves under-
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: WoooOOOOoo! I am the Ghost of Lame Monsters Past!
Flumph 1: Ahhh! RUN!
Flumph 2: How?!?
Flumph 1: OK, hover faster, then!
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: Yes, flee, mortals! No matter how “cool” monsters may become, they can never escape the ghost of my existence! Tremble in fear at my embarrassing presence in older editions! I am an unstopabble-
<sfx> GHOST SPLAT!
Roy: Hey, nice! No damage!
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: Truly, my torment is eternal…
Roy: Looks like we’re all tied up at Ground: 1, Roy: 1. Wow, it’s dark in here… but I guess my body is around here somewhere. Really, you’d think I would get some sort of bonus on my Search check for literally trying to find the back of my hand… Ah, there we are. Geez, I look horrible. Not really the way I expected things to turn out when I linked Belkar’s Mark of Justice to my position, I admit.
<sfx> sniff! sniff!
Roy: Actually, you know, my body doesn’t smell half bad. Sort of a pine scent… You know, one really doesn’t expect their own rotting carcass to be so… fragrant. Hey, I wonder if this means my crap really DOES smell better than everyone else’s… Oh, no, wait-I see it now… But that just makes me wonder where they possibly got their hands on a-
<flashback>
Haley: -and then we pop out the grating, climb up into the goblin cleric’s private bathroom, and swipe the +5 Air Freshener of Pineness. However, I must warn you that Operation: Neutralize may be the riskiest mission we have ever-
Niu: It’s worth the risk!
Belkar: It’s worth ANY risk!
Isamu: Can we go right now?

Spoiler: Strip 527

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Pep Talk
Roy, Haley

Roy: Hey, someone’s coming… I better get ready to reveal myself, I don’t want to scare anyone accidentally. Haley! Fantastic! Remain calm, Haley. It’s me, Roy. I’m appearing to you from beyond the grave with an important message.
Haley: Hey Roy.
Roy: … OK, maybe not THAT calm. Geez, I mean, I’m still a restless spirit over here! A little respect, please?
Haley: Our glorious Resistance went on its big rescue mission today, after all that planning.
Roy: Yeah, I know. I’ve been watching. But listen, I’m here to tell you-
Haley: We did OK. Not great, but OK. We lost Isamu, but rescued twenty or so slaves. And a cat, apparently.
Roy: Yeah, but Belkar threatened to switch sides without actually doing it. That’s got to be bucking the odds right there.
Haley: I’m not really used to being to being in charge, especially of Belkar. Back in the Thieves’ Guild, we all pretty much each did our own thing, you know?
Roy: Yeah, but this isn’t the same situ-
Haley: And I can’t help but feel like this “Resistance” is just a way to keep us all occupied until Xykon drops the other shoe. We can’t hope to actually defeat him; he could crush the entire team as easily as he squashed you, Roy. Which is to say, really frickin’ easily.
Roy: Geez, thanks for reminding me. Have you been taking tips on encouragement from your boyfriend?
Haley: And that’s not even counting Redcloak, or Tsukiko, or whatever is hiding under that pink umbrella!
Roy: OK, OK, point taken. Haley, listen: Being a leader means being responsible when things go wrong, but it also means knowing that even in a victory, some people might die. But maybe, if the mission is just and the cause righteous, maybe- just maybe- that’s-
Haley: Well, thanks for listening to me ramble again, Roy. I miss you, you big meat shield. I’m gonna go get some rest.
Roy: Or maybe you can’t see or hear me at all, and you’re just talking to my corpse. *sigh*

Spoiler: Strip 528

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The Ghost Screamer
Niu, Haley, Roy

Niu: …and of the slaves we rescued today, four were soldiers and a fifth has levels in rogue.
Haley: Not enough levels if he couldn’t escape on his own.
Niu: The rest are commoners or experts.
Roy: HELLO? HALEY? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Haley: OK, good work, Niu. Find them all a place to sleep, and we’ll talk to those five about joining the guard rotation in the morning.
Roy: So assuming that Belkar’s luck on Listen checks hasn’t become contagious somehow, I think it’s safe to assume that something is actually preventing me from being heard.
Haley: Then try to get some sleep yourself.
Niu: You too, Haley.
Haley: Yup, I’m going to bed right now.
Roy: But what? I never had any problems hearing Dad when he was a ghost-as much as I wished that I did. Hey, maybe she just needs to be touching the Greenhilt sword! Then I’d just have to wait until she moved my body again. Oh, but wait- was I necessarily touching my sword every time I saw my father’s ghost? I can’t remember. Damn it, it’s times like these that I wish I could look back through this comic’s archive. Or maybe I can only be seen and heard by blood relatives. Dad’s loony Blood Oath seems to have all sorts of arbitrary rules like that. And I’m not sure whether it’s the Blood Oath or the sword that is actually allowing me to be a ghost at all… That would mean the sword would have to get to Julia, more than a thousand miles to the north, in Ciffport! And I can’t imagine one of us stumbling over a friendly airship captain who can conveniently whisk us there a second time. That strains even my suspension of-
<sfx> ZZZAP!
Haley: OW!!! My hand! What the heck?!? It shocked me! As I was taking it out of my pocket! It’s never done that before.
Roy: Hey, that’s the talisman that Celia gave me! You’ve been carrying it around in your pocket?
Haley: Oh man, I’ve had it with me all day. It must have gotten charged up with electricity when I got zapped with that orb spell. I hope it doesn’t get damaged.
Roy: Ha! Good luck breaking it, even on purpose. I tried with all my strength while I was falling, and I didn’t even get it to-
<sfx> CRACK!

Spoiler: Strip 529

Show

The Summons
Roy, Haley, Celia

Roy: What the- how did you- … I must have loosened that for you.
Haley: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! What the heck is happening?
Celia: FOOLISH WOMAN! HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!? Oh, hey, Haley. How’s it going?
Haley: Celia?!?
Roy: Celia, baby!
Celia: I see you got your speech back. Good for you.
Haley: Oh, yeah, a few months ago now. I guess I disturbed your “slumber”?
Celia: Huh? Oh, right, well, I went to bed early. I have class first thing in the morning.
Roy: Hello? Celia? It’s me, Roy!
Celia: Sorry about the light show, I thought you were my mom. She likes to summon me home and ask me why she doesn’t have any grandchildren yet.
Roy: You know, your boyfriend, Roy? Come on! Hear me!
Celia: So, where’s Roy, then?
Haley: He’s… not here right now. It’s a long story.
Roy: Damn it, she can’t see me either! So much for the bonds of love. Or the bonds of mutual lust, at least.
Celia: Oh. Well, why did you break my summoning talisman, then? Is Roy in trouble?
Haley: It broke on its own, after I got blasted by an Electric Orb spell earlier.
Celia: Oh, that makes sense. The amulet is designed to only break for magical energy, but it’s a little weak against electricity.
Roy: Wait, what?
Celia: It has a tendency to break if the user gets shocked hard.
Roy: Only for magical energy? But I’m not-
Haley: But Roy wasn’t-uh, isn’t a wizard. How was he supposed to break it?
Celia: Oh, I know, but it didn’t need a spell. Just zap a little energy on it and it shatters. See?
Haley: Celia… Humans can’t shoot energy out of our fingers.
Celia: …You can’t?
Haley: No.
Celia: Not even lightning?
Haley: Not even lightning.
Celia: Huh. Weird. Well, I guess it’s a good thing there wasn’t a real emergency, huh? I mean, could you imagine?

Spoiler: Strip 530

Show

Regarding the Speed With Which One Removes Band-Aids
Celia, Haley, Roy, Belkar

Celia: Azure City…and the Sapphire Guard… overrun by hobgoblins? I can’t believe it!
Haley: Don’t forget the giant hole in the sky. I’m sure that absolutely isn’t a sign that we’re screwed. The other half of the party sailed away that night, and we haven’t heard from them since. I’ve considered leaving the city to try to find them, but I wouldn’t know where to start. They have all the magic, you know? I figure it’s better to sit tight and wait for them to come find us.
Roy: But they CAN’T find you! You need to leave the city!
Celia: And since you were stuck here anyway, you decided to form a resistance group, then?
Haley: Yup. Do some good while we wait!
Celia: How big is your army?
Haley: Only 200 people. Turns out that two other groups started up with the same idea, and none of us really get along.
Celia: Huh? Why not? Aren’t you all on the same side?
Haley: Not the way they see it. One group believes it was the evil influence of the Order of the Stick that corrupted their righteous leader, Hinjo, and led to his ruin in battle. The other group thinks that Hinjo orchestrated Shojo’s assassination personally, and that anyone who worked too closely with him can’t be trusted. Neither group is therefore at all keen on the idea of working with me. We’ve spent more time fighting with them over supplies than we have battling hobgoblins.
Celia: That’s awful. Have you tried charming them?
Haley: No, we haven’t, because for the hundredth time, humans are not like you and do not cast sorcerer spells as a caster whose level equals their Hit Dice!
Celia: Hey, it’s not MY fault I don’t know what you humans can do! You don’t even HAVE any entry in the Monster Manual anymore! So wait, if Roy escaped the city with Elan, why were you carrying my talisman?
Haley: That’s, uh… that’s not what I said.
Roy: Oh gods… I don’t think I can listen to this.
Celia: What do you mean? You said only you and Belkar split from the group and got trapped in the city.
Haley: Technically correct.
Celia: So Roy is on the boat with the others.
Roy: Please, Haley, break it to her gently.
Haley: Not… exactly. Celia, I intentionally left something out of the story. I wanted you to hear the whole thing before I gave you the really bad news.
Belkar: HEY! Haley! Where’d you stash those salted fish we swiped last week? Mr. Scruffy hasn’t eaten anything but rice and mice for three months.
Haley: Belkar, can’t you see that Celia was summoned here accidentally?
Belkar: Yeah? Well, unless she’s gonna wave her little fairy wand and conjure up a mackerel or two, I don’t see how that possibly impacts my current dilemma.
Haley: <whispering> Belkar, will you just shut up for two freaking minutes?!? I need to tell her that Roy croaked!
Belkar: Only if you agree to get me some fish for the Scruffinator.
Haley: <whispering> OK, fine! Now zip it!
Haley: Celia… about Roy. He… gods, there’s no easy way to say this… He didn’t make it.
Celia: He didn’t make it back to the boat? So he IS with you?
Haley: No, I mean… he’s not with us anymore.
Celia: Oh, OK. So, what, he went scouting? Or did he go try to infiltrate Xykon’s tower so something?
Haley: No, Celia… Roy had joined the choir invisible.
Celia: And that means what? That he multiclassed to bard?
Haley: It means that Roy has crossed over to the other side.
Celia: Of the city?
Haley: No, the OTHER other side.
Celia: … He’s gay?
Belkar: OK, that’s IT! I can’t take the euphemisms anymore!
Roy: Oh, no. No, don’t you dare, you vile little-
Haley: Belkar, what are you-
Belkar: Roy is dead!
Celia: What?!?
Belkar: Yup, Xykon blasted him with a Meteor Swarm and now he’s deader than class/race restrictions and nonweapon proficiencies. But it’s all good, because we’ve got his corpse stashed in a cave, so all we need to do is hook up with Whiskers Von Thor-Bugger and the other two idiots and he’ll be Resurrected faster than you can say, “Reduced impact of character mortality.” Now can we PLEASE go find Mr. Scruffy some damn fish?!?
Haley: Oh, gods, Celia, I am so sorry. I didn’t want you to find out that-
Celia: No…no, it’s OK, Haley. When he puts it like that, it doesn’t sound so bad, really.
Roy: Going to KILL you!
Haley: It doesn’t?
Celia: Roy and I already had a long-distance relationship. All we ever needed was one spell to bring us back together. Only difference is, now the spell we need is Resurrection instead of Plane Shift. Not so bad when you think of it that way, y’know?
Roy: Not so bad… easy for her to say, she’s not the one who’s this close, and still so far away.
Celia: Besides, it’s almost like I can feel him watching over us…
Belkar: Hey! If you can’t find a way to cut back on the weepy melodrama, I swear I’ll start dropping random pop culture references. And I don’t think anyone wants that!

Spoiler: Strip 531

Show

Wake Up Call to Action
Celia, Roy, Haley, Smuggler

Celia: Haley? Haley, wake up.
Roy: Good luck. I’ve been trying to wake her up for five hours. So much for hearing ghosts in your sleep.
Haley: Whuh? Celia? What is it? Are we under attack?
Celia: No, no, nothing like that.
Haley: Is something else wrong that would justify waking me up after a long day of fighting that has left me tired, sore, and-most importantly at this moment-grumpy?
Celia: Everything’s fine. These new clothes you loaned me are great, even if they are a little roomy in the hips. Actually, a LOT roomy in the hips… I had to pin the waist.
Haley: You are not succeeding at making me LESS grumpy.
Celia: Sorry. It’s just that it’s sunrise-I think, it’s tough to tell with the purple sky-and I figured we should get an early start.
Haley: I am getting an early start. I’m getting an early start on sleeping until midday. I suggest that you go back to bed and try to catch up.
Celia: Come on, Haley! Rise and shine! We have a lot to do today! Get up!
Haley: HEY! What are you babbling about? What do we have to do today?
Celia: Today is the day you leave the city with me and we start looking for Durkon, Elan, and Vaarsuvius.
Haley: What? Today??
Roy: Yes! I knew someone had my best interests at heart!
Celia: I didn’t sleep much…I was thinking about everything you told me. And I came to a conclusion: After three and a half months, it’s not reasonable to think they are going to come back here on their own. They’ve obviously run into some sort of problem. What if THEY need US to come and rescue them?
Haley: Do you think I haven’t thought of that? But what if we leave, and they come back tomorrow?
Celia: We leave a message with your Resistance buddies. I’m sure they’ll hear about it with any of Hinjo’s fleet returns.
Haley: OK, well… where do we start? They could be anywhere in the world by now. Should we just wander around until we bump into them?
Celia: Of course not. We head to the biggest city and find a spellcaster we can hire. Greysky City is north, just past the mountains, and if that fails, we could head all the way up to Cliffport.
Haley: Uh, yeah, Cliffport sounds better to me.
Roy: Yes! Go to Cliffport! Go get Julia, I’m sure she’ll be able to see me!
Haley: But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t have the kind of money needed. Not anymore…
<flashback>
Smuggler: The DMG prices don’t take into account the additional expenses I incurred smuggling these weapons past the hobgoblins.
Haley: 5000 gp for a dozen +1 flaming arrows?!?
Smuggler: I incurred significant expenses.
<end flashback>
Celia: So? You’re an adventurer. Roam around the countryside a bit and I’m sure some treasure-laden monsters will throw themselves in front of your weapons. Now come on, stop making excuses and start getting ready.
Haley: No, Celia. I don’t think this is a good idea.
Celia: You don’t? OK, well, let me break it down for you this way: I’m leaving the city, and I’m taking Roy with me when I do.
Roy: Ooooo, boy.
Celia: And from what you told me about that curse thingamajobber, that means Belkar will need to follow. Though I doubt he’ll complain, since it means he gets to leave the confines of the city. Now I freely admit that if you want to physically restrain me, you’ll probably succeed. I don’t have all that fancy combat training you PC types have. But that’s pretty much the only way you’re keeping me here, so you might as well join me.
Haley: I’m surprised at you, Celia. You really want to be like that?
Celia: Not really, no. But as I see it, I’m the only one around here who doesn’t consider you their fearless leader. That means it’s up to me to set you straight.
Haley: …OK, then. You win. You’ve made a convincing argument for leaving.
Celia: Don’t feel bad, I do have a perfect record at trial.
Haley: You’ve only tried one case.
Celia: 1-0 is still a perfect record.
Haley: It’s just… part of me is worried that if I do figure out a way to track Elan down, I’m just going to find out that he’s been dead this whole time…
Celia: Maybe we’ll get lucky and swing a twofer on dead boyfriend resurrections.
Haley: CELIA!
Celia: What? I need to accept that Roy’s dead, but you get to be neurotic over Elan? I don’t think so. Suck it up and go find the body.
Roy: Damn…
Haley: …You know, I never noticed how annoying you were before.
Celia: That’s only because you’re not accustomed to being proven wrong so often in such a short period of time. Don’t worry, though. You’ll get used to it. And just think, this way, you’ll finally get outside the range of that irritating Cloister spell, so eventually people will be able to scry on you again without it being blocked. I mean, it’ll be SO much easier for Vaarsuvius to find you once that wears off.
Roy: Connecting the dots in 3… 2… 1…
Haley: BLOCKED?!? You mean I’ve been waiting for them to use magic to find me this whole time, and that magic has been BLOCKED?!?
Celia: You didn’t know? You couldn’t sense the presence of an abjuration by the way your teeth tingle? Do I need to tell you where the door is, too? What kind of lame super senses are you people using, anyway?
Haley: The kind that are really good at lining up this boot with your bony fairy butt. Wanna see?

Spoiler: Strip 532

Show

The Exposition Fairy
Haley, Celia, Dorukan, Xykon, Roy, Serfway Cashier, Earth Sigil Guardian, Fire Sigil Guardian, Lirian

Haley: OK, now I want you to explain this “Cloister” thing to me.
Celia: Well, you know how-
Haley: And don’t make any assumptions about what I can or cannot sense, or do or do not know.
Celia: …OK, I’ll try. So, once I worked for a wizard named Dorukan, who was guarding one of the five Gates that lock away a creature known as the Snarl.
Haley: Yes, Celia, I know. That’s how we met.
Celia: Well, you said not to make any assumptions. Geez. Anyway, I didn’t know at the time what he was guarding down there, but I did know that he used several powerful arcane spells that he had researched himself. Epic spells.
<flashback>
Celia: <voiceover> One was called “Cloister”. It basically blocked all divination, communication, and transportation magic from breaching an area up to several miles wide.
Dorukan: Cloister!
Celia: <voiceover> Teleportation, scrying, plane shifting, dimensional doors, locating creatures, sending ethereal jaunts, you name it, it blocked it.
<end flashback>
Celia: You could cast them within the area, or even from inside the field to outside, but anyone on the outside of the boundary would get nothing but busy signals and error messages. I mean, unless they were using epic magic, too.
<flashback>
Celia: <voiceover> Right before Xykon moved in, the field disappeared-probably due to Dorukan’s death, but I’m not really sure.
Celia: That’s weird…
<cutover>
Celia: <voiceover> And then, poof! One day, it was back. I guess Xykon found a way to master the spell himself.
Xykon: It’s either a lame hippie hairband, or the material focus for the most powerful abjurations ever. Probably both.
<end flashback>
Celia: The field gives off a vibration to which most of us were sensitive… And as soon as I arrived here, I could feel it all around. (Sorry that it didn’t occur to me that no one else could.) Xykon must be using the spell that he learned back then on Azure City, to keep anyone from interfering.
Haley: So Durkon and V could have been searching for us the whole time… and once we step outside the city, they’ll find us!
Celia: Well, uh, actually… it might not be quite that easy.
Roy: Gosh, there’s a surprise.
Celia: You see, Cloister doesn’t just target an area of land, it also targets each and every living creature within that area at the time of casting, preventing them from being scryed on or contacted.
Haley: Every creature?? Why? That’s just unnecessary overkill!
Celia: Oh, it’s absolutely overkill. But, you know… He was a man.
Haley: Ah. Got it.
Roy: HEY!
Celia: Besides, Dorukan wanted to be certain that if he or one of his servants left the castle, they’d still be shielded properly.
Haley: Left the castle? I thought you pretty much stayed holed up there.
Celia: No, sometimes we had missions.
<flashback>
<counter text> SERFWAY
Serfway Cashier: Hello, welcome to Serfway.
Earth Sigil Guardian: Hi, let me get three veggie subs, no cheese.
Fire Sigil Guardian: I want hot peppers on mine.
Earth Sigil Guardian: One with hot peppers.
<end flashback>
Celia: Really important missions. The upshot being that getting you out of the city will only prevent Xykon from casting it on you again. You’ll still need to wait for the effect to wear off your person, too.
Roy: Goddamn it!
Haley: How long will that take?
Celia: Who knows? The duration is one week per caster level, but-
Haley: But we don’t know Xykon’s exact caster level.
Celia: Bingo.
Haley: But we CAN do the math. It’s been sixteen weeks since the city fell.
Celia: Oh, I see what you’re saying… And Xykon would need to be 20th level to cat an epic spell.
Roy: 21st level. He needs an epic feat in order to learn any epic spells.
Haley: So we have a minimum of… wow, no less than four weeks before the spell wears off of me.
Celia: Darn it.
Roy: FIVE weeks! Gods, doesn’t anyone know the epic rules around here?
Haley: Still, Cliffport is way more than four weeks north of here, even if we somehow manage to get our hands on horses. I guess it doesn’t change anything after all. We head north, until we can contact them or they can contact us. Just one more question, though. How come we were able to summon you with that talisman?
Celia: For some reason, Dorukan built an specific exception for summoning spells into the Cloister’s effect. I still don’t know why.
Roy: Huh… I wonder what he summoned that was important enough to leave a big, gaping hole in his über-spell…
<flashback>
Lirian: Hey, handsome.
<music text> Can’t get enough of your love, babe.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 533 to 549
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 533

Show

Open To Multiple Interpretations
Haley, Female Soldier, Roy, Celia, Thanh, Pro-Hinjo Leader, Anti-Hinjo Leader, Belkar

Haley: …and then I want someone to go get the cart with my friend’s body in it and check it over thoroughly. I don’t want it popping a wheel off as we sneak out.
Female Soldier: Yes, Haley.
Roy: Hmmm. I better follow, just in case.
Haley: You know, I’ll miss giving all the orders, but I wouldn’t miss making all the decisions. I just worry about what will happen to the Resistance once we leave.
Celia: Well, if my idea works, that should be a lot less of a problem.
Haley: I know, I’m just not optimistic. Did our messengers return from the other two resistance groups yet?
Celia: Yes. If they’re sending a representative, they should be here soon.
Haley: Just don’t get too hopeful. Even if they didn’t literally shoot the messenger, I doubt they’ll show. They hate outsiders.
Celia: How would they know I was an Outsider from the message?
Haley: No, I meant “outsider” as a foreigner, not the creature type.
Celia: Oh. Look, don’t worry. I got a 3.5 in my Mediation and Arbitration class, and I’m a totally neutral third party. I’m sure when I get them around the negotiation table, I’ll be able to strike a deal.
Haley: I hope you’re right, or I’ll be leaving my people in an even worse situation.
Thanh: Two groups arrived a few minutes ago, Haley. I will stand guard here, to protect the rest of our team should they turn on you.
Haley: Thanks, Thanh. Hey guys, welcome to our headquar-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: Ah, the Northern pig-bitch shows herself at last.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: The Twelve Gods teach us that keeping guests waiting is a sign of treacherous intent.
Haley: -ters.
Celia: Thank you for joining us, honored guests. My name is Celia, and I’m here to serve as an impartial mediator during these talks. It is my hope that by starting a productive dialogue, we can put this unfortunate behavior behind us and focus on the task of reclaiming your homeland.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: BAH!
Celia: Excuse me?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The flame-haired trollop is an evil interloper, sent by our enemies to sow dissent!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: There can be no truce with the harlot who aided Hinjo’s regicide.
Haley: And a good morning to you, too.
Celia: Well, it may interest you to know that Haley will be leav-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: REGICIDE? Still your tongue! Lord Hinjo’s holy righteousness is beyond doubt!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Indeed. So far beyond that it has escaped detection by all my senses.
Celia: We really should fo-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: You dare mock our lord? No one speaks lies about Lord Hinjo and escapes my steel!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: If you wish to meet your end defending the honor of a usurper I have no qualms obliging you.
Celia: GAH!
Pro-Hinjo Leader: Die, traitor!
<sfx> clang!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Prepare a place for your wretched master in HELL!
<sfx> clang! clang!
Celia: Haley, do something!
Haley: Yeah, I’m absolutely going to put myself between the swords of two people who recently called me a whore. I’ll get right on it.
Belkar: STOP! NO ONE is going to disembowel ANYONE around here until I find a seat with a better view. Got it?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: By the Twelve Gods… do you see?
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Yes.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The cat. Lord Shojo’s blessed cat.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: The cat is an omen.
Belkar: Who, Mr. Scruffy?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The late Lord Shojo speaks to us by sending his pet before us.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: He has settled our dispute through this action. The path is clear.
Pro-Hinjo Leader and Anti-Hinjo Leader: We pledge our allegiance to you, chosen leader of the new unified resistance!
Belkar: Well, my schedule is awfully busy right now, but duty calls, I guess. I accept. OK, first order of business? Let’s get some strippers in here. And booze-good Northern booze, not that rice wine crap. Then, I want you to all draw lots and duel to the death for my amusement in a giant kung fu blood tournament.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The cat……is also near that paladin back there.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: His tail does seem to be pointing in that direction.
Pro-Hinjo Leader and Anti-Hinjo Leader: We pledge our allegiance to you, chosen leader of the new unified resistance!
Thanh: Huh?
Belkar: OK, for that? You two are going to be first in the tournament. Ready… FIGHT!

Spoiler: Strip 534

Show

Medium Creatures
Rover’s Owner, Roy, Niu, Madame Xanadu, Roy’s Archon, Rover

Rover’s Owner: Huh. I wonder what kind of metal this is?
Roy: Hey, you’re supposed to be checking the cart, not shooting down yet another of my plausible theories!
Niu: Hey, I’ve got three new recruits for you to show around.
Rover’s Owner: Sure thing.
Niu: This is Shi Bao, master carpenter. Wu Zhao, skilled chief. And Madame Xanadu, noted psychic and fortune teller.
Roy: YES!
Rover’s Owner: OK, well, I’ll start by showing you the-
Roy: Can you hear me?
Madame Xanadu:Wait, child! I’m feeling a presence…
Roy: Yes! That’s me, a presence! A big glowing presence!
Madame Xanadu:A spirit from beyond the grave wishes to communicate with you.
Rover’s Owner: Really?
Roy: I need you to get a message to Haley Starshine. It’s about where her idiotic boyfriend is right now.
Madame Xanadu:His name… begins with the letter “R”.
Roy: Yes! That’s right! Roy! I’m Roy Greenhilt.
Madame Xanadu:R…o…
Roy: You’ve almost got it. Roy. R-o-y. Roy. My name is Roy, Say it.
Rover’s Owner: R…o… Is it Rover? I had a dog named Rover once.
Madame Xanadu:Yes! Yes, it is definitely your old dog, Rover. He’s wagging his tail now.
Roy: … You’ve got to be kidding me.
Madame Xanadu:He’s trying ask your forgiveness for peeing on the rug so many times.
Rover’s Owner: Oh, Rover, it’s OK. I forgive you, boy!
Roy: No! No! I’m not a dog, and I didn’t pee on anything!
Madame Xanadu:Ahh… now I’m getting a deep sense of peace and tranquility.
Roy: Listen to me, you stupid old bat! My name is Roy! ROY! Get it right! That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going back to the clouds, at least I can look down on everything from up there.
Madame Xanadu:And now, I sense his spirit is leaving…
Rover’s Owner: Goodbye, Rover! I love you!
Madame Xanadu:That’ll be 5 gp, dear.
<cutaway>
Roy: Ridiculous. What kind of psychic can sense a dog’s guilt over urinating, but doesn’t notice a bona fide ghost in the same room?
Roy’s Archon: Really? Because I heard she’s Azure City’s “number one” psychic. Get it?
Roy: Oh, great. Hilarious. Don’t quit your Day Job for a career in comedy.
Roy’s Archon: Maybe she’s have more luck if she used her “wee-wee” board…
Roy: Wait, guiding me is your job. Change of plans, go ahead and quit.
Rover: She forgives me? Hey, I’m not the one who did the neutering, woman!

Spoiler: Strip 535

Show

The Cat Stays in the Picture
Thanh, Haley, Shadowdancer, Kaboom Redaxe, Niu, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy

Thanh: Haley, I’m not certain this is a wise move.
Haley: You’ll do fine. They’ll eat up that “righteous vengeance” shtick you have with a spoon. Well, with chopsticks.
Thanh: But I wasn’t even part of the Sapphire Guard’s leadership! I was a glorified messenger!
<flashback>
Thanh: <voiceover> I only survived that battle because I was on a diplomatic mission to Nowhere at the time.
Shadowdancer: A paladin??
Kaboom Redaxe: Screw tha, we’re na getting’ paid enuff.
(KR): Screw that, we’re not getting paid enough.
<end flashback>
Thanh: Are you certain you cannot stay to advise me for a while?
Haley: Sorry, the agreement that Celia drafted and they signed stipulates that Belkar and I can’t stick around. But I’ll give you some advice. When it comes to doing what’s right, trust your instincts. When it comes to doing what is stealthy-ignore your instincts. You don’t have a deceitful bone is your body. Just ask someone else what would be sneaky, and do that. Maybe ask Niu here. She’s pretty underhanded for a fighter, especially since she took that level in rogue.
Thanh: I didn’t know you multi-classed to rogue.
Niu: Yeah, what was I thinking, not advertising it to the team’s paladin?
Haley: And don’t forget, if anyone from Hinjo’s fleet shows up, tell them that we went to Cliffport.
Niu: I’ll remember. Thanks, Haley:
Haley: Make me proud, girl.
Niu: I will.
Thanh: Good luck. My people own you a debt.
Haley: To you, too. Maybe the Twelve Gods not appear in the sky just to smack you down.
Belkar: This is totally unfair, you know. That should be ME ruling with an iron fist, not Fuzz-Lip.
Haley: Yeah, fate is a cruel mistress. Just be glad they’re letting you take Mr. Scruffy. Apparently a little omen goes a long way.
Belkar: Ha! As if they could force the Scruffinator to stay! Come on, Mr. Scruffy, time to leave this blue cesspool and hit the open road. It’s just you and me now, halfling and cat. Two stone-cold killers cutting a bloody swath across a world of soft squishy targets. What do you say to that?
<sfx> schlict! schlict! schlict!
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Belkar: Huh. Well I was hoping for something more like, “Hell yeah, let’s find some bitches and get this party started!” but I guess we can work our way up to that.

Spoiler: Strip 536

Show

A Brief Tribute
Deva, Roy, Roy’s Archon, E. Gary Gygax

Deva: Clear the way! Stand aside!
Roy: Huh? What’s going on? Did some big hero die?
Roy’s Archon: Something like that.
<sfx> POP!
E. Gary Gygax: Huh. You know, last time I was directly involved, we called this place “the Seven Heavens” and the other place “the Nine Hells”
Roy: Oh my gods. Oh my gods. I can’t- I don’t believe it. Sir? I know I don’t have the right to speak for everyone who has been impacted by your life-well, screw it, I’m doing it anyway: Thank you. Thank you from every single-classed fighter, every magic-user that needs to memorize their spells in the morning, and hell, every female dark elf cavalier wielding two lances from the back of a unicorn. You didn’t create us, but we wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for you. None of us would. There would be no such thing as adventuring parties or dungeon crawls. And there’d be a whole lot of us who would need to spend more time doing jobs. Like, normal nine-to-five jobs, where dice aren’t a deductable business expense. Those of us lucky enough to spend their time kicking down doors and slaying dragons for a living owe you an extra debt. You know, I do have a few questions. Some things that just never made any sense…
E. Gary Gygax: I’ll love to help out, son, but I’m just passing through. Figured I’d take a grand tour of all the planes before settling down somewhere. (I was considering rolling on a chart to figure out where.)
Roy’s Archon: Just a word of warning while you’re here: Be careful around the Hall of Characters That Died Without a Saving Throw. A lot of guys there are still testy about “Tomb of Horrors”.
E. Gary Gygax: Heh, heh, oh, man. Sphere of Annihilation in that statue’s mouth. That never got old. Anyway, thanks for your kind words, but I really must be going now.
Roy: Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry to hold you up, sir.
Roy’s Archon: You know, I still have all of my old First Edition hardbacks. Want to play a game?
Roy: Yeah, OK. Maybe I’ll roll up a gnome illusionist.
<banner text> E. Gary Gygax. 1938 - 2008
Roy’s Archon: OK, roll 3d6 six times for your stats. In order.

Spoiler: Strip 537

Show

What Do You Think Comes in a Disguise Kit, Anyway?
Haley, Celia, Belkar

Haley: OK, so this is a seldom-used mining path that leads through the mountains. If we follow it, we should be able to bypass the city.
Celia: Is it guarded?
Haley: Yeah, but not as heavily. This particular mine has been tapped out for over 100 years, so most people don’t know it’s even here.
Belkar: So we’re talking, like, 30 hobgoblins, tops.
Celia: Thirty?? That’s like an army!
Belkar: Please. It’s not even a work out.
Haley: Yeah, if we kill 10 each, we’re golden.
Celia: Kill? Can’t we just sneak past them?
Haley: Not pulling this cart, we can’t.
Belkar: And I’m still not letting you put Roy’s body in a Bag of Holding. I know it will screw me somehow.
Haley: Not to mention that the inside of my bag will be covered in dead Roy.
Belkar: Besides, it’s easier to just kill them all.
Celia: Easier for you, maybe, but some of us aren’t professional murderers!
Belkar: Professional? HA! I wish I was getting paid for this!
Haley: Wait, are you saying you don’t kill?
Celia: Yeah, uh, MOST people don’t kill, Haley! That’s why there are laws against murder. It’s really only adventurers who think, “Hmm, how can I solve this problem? Oh, right bloodshed!”
Belkar: That’s not true. We run away a lot, too.
Haley: Yeah, well, when you’ve been around the dungeon a few times, you start to see violence as an acceptable alternative to a one-way ticket on the Negative Hit Point Express. I’d rather kill a few dozen hobgoblins than end up like Roy here. At any rate, these guards don’t share your delicate sensibilities, so if you don’t want to fight, just stay back here behind the cart. Belkar, can you handle fifteen?
Belkar: If I can’t, we’ll have to stop at the next town to buy me a frilly pink dress, ‘cause it’ll mean I’ll have spontaneously turned into a preteen girl.
Celia: WAIT! This path only leads back to the mines, right? If you kill all the guards, someone will notice and try searching the caves. They’ll find the Resistance immediately.
Haley: Hmmm. That’s actually a really good point.
Belkar: Hey, they had their chance to serve me as a living god, I say, let ‘em suffer.
Celia: But don’t worry… you just gave me an idea when you mentioned ending up like Roy… Haley, close your eyes.
Haley: Ummm, OK.
Celia: There! Who needs a Feign Death spell when we have a black eyeliner pencil? Now get on the cart with the other corpse while I do the same thing with Belkar.
Belkar: Eyeliner? Couldn’t you just stab me instead?

Spoiler: Strip 538

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Fiend or Foe
Belkar, Haley, Celia, Hobgoblin, Hobgoblin with a Clipboard

Belkar: This is the dumbest idea in a long history of dumb ideas.
Haley: Says the man who lit the bandit camp on fire.
Celia: Shut up and lay still, both of you. I need to get into character. Alter Self! There. Not bad. Though I sort of wish I could change my clothes with that spell, too. Pink doesn’t really match…
Hobgoblin: Halt! Who goes there?
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: Hey, I wanted to say it this time.
Hobgoblin: Zip it.
Celia: My name is Darkblood Gloomgloom, evil fiendish necromancer. I’m just returning home after purchasing three fresh Grade-A corpses from your marketplace, upon which I will conduct experiments far too horrible to even contemplate. This is my demon-cat familiar...uh…Mr. Scummy.
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: What sort of experiments?
Celia: I just said they were far too horrible to contemplate! Geez, pay attention.
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: Oh, right, sorry. OK, well, you’re a little clichéd, but you seem evil enough. You may pass.
Celia: Great!
Hobgoblin: Just a moment. If you’re really a necromancer, why are you lugging your own cart instead of having a zombie do it for you? Maybe you should show us a little bit of your dark power, just so that we can be sure.
Celia: My dark power? Right! Right. Because I am totally a necromancer, and not a sorcerer who didn’t happen to take any necromancy spells… Um, OK… Arise, dead corpse, and take on an unholy semblance of life! Arise! I said, “ARISE, dead Halfling corpse that is right in front of me, and take on a semblance of life!” NOW!
Belkar: OW! OK, OK, I’m arising already.
Celia: See? Through my mastery of the forbidden arts, the dead walk again!
Hobgoblin: I dunno, he doesn’t really LOOK undead…
<sfx> shthunk!
Belkar: Anyone ELSE wanna discuss my creature type with me?
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: No, no, I think we’ll all set here. Have a nice day, and thanks for the promotion.
<sfx> whumph!

Spoiler: Strip 539

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Well, There is That "Saint" Prestige Class
Belkar, Celia, Haley, Solt Lorkyurg, Fox

Belkar: See, now that’s what being on a team is all about. You wanted to not kill ANY hobgoblins, I wanted to kill ALL the hobgoblins, and what happened? We compromised: I killed ONE of the hobgoblins.
Celia: You didn’t need to kill him.
Belkar: True. But I didn’t need to NOT kill him either.
Haley: Celia, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Belkar didn’t do anything wrong.
Belkar: I didn’t? Huh.
Haley: Everything worked out fine. This is a war: if one of them happens to die today, that’s one less for the Resistance to fight later. Now both of you, shush. There’s a gnome on the road.
Solt Lorkyurg: Hello, fellow travelers! Hail, and well met! My name is Solt Lorkyurg, humble spice peddler. I bring my wares from the North to Azure City to sell.
Haley: Uh… I hate to tell you this, but Azure City was conquered by evil goblinoids, like, months ago.
Solt Lorkyurg: Was it? Oh my. Well, I suppose that’s what I get for getting all my information from Fox News.
<flashback>
Fox: Yip yip yip yip, yip yip yip yip. Yip yip, yip yip yowl, yip yip yipyip.
<end flashback>
Haley: Hey, how far is it to the main road? We’re headed north.
Solt Lorkyurg: About three or four days. When you get to the crossroad, hang a left to get through the mountain pass.
Haley: Thanks. Sorry about the mix-up, maybe you-
<sfx> shthunk!
Solt Lorkyurg: Urk!
Haley: WHAT DID YOU DO???
Celia: Oh gods…
Belkar: What? You said it yourself, this is war! There’s now one less gnome for the Resistance to fight, right?
Haley: The Resistance isn’t at war with the gnome!!!
Belkar: Well of course not, not anymore. He’s dead. Don’t get so worked up. He was a pointless NPC. He was just there to provide color to the scene. He probably didn’t even have a name.
Haley: He TOLD us his name!
Belkar: Did he? I wasn’t listening. Look, I can’t be the only one who appreciates the symmetry of the situation. He had a donkey, and we needed a donkey to pull the cart. Now we have a donkey, and he doesn’t need anything anymore. Everybody wins!
Celia: Wait, Haley, I have a solution. We paint the corpse orange and sharpen his teeth a little. You know, so you can rationalize it more easily.
Belkar: Oooo! A candy bar!
Haley: I wonder if the gods would be offended if I just prayed directly to Roy for the strength to not strangle them both.

Spoiler: Strip 540

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Melt in Your Mouth, Not on Your Alignment
Celia, Haley, Belkar

Celia: I can’t believe I’m traveling with a criminal.
Haley: Yeah, you might want to pluralize that noun there. Some of us had to work for a living before we became adventurers.
Belkar: Mmmm, tasty!
Celia: You know what I mean. Belkar is a murderer, he needs to go to jail.
Haley: You know, you’re right, I should turn him in to the local authorities. Oh! Wait! The local authorities are the main villains of the comic! They’ll probably give him a medal for ending the gnome menace once and for all.
Celia: Well… you’re his leader, you’re responsible for his actions. Do something.
Haley: OK, quick guide: Bald with dark skin? Takes responsibility for other people’s actions. Sexy redhead with fair skin? Takes responsibility for her own actions. And frankly, even that is sort of new. Leaders are held responsible for their followers under the assumption that the leader has SOME degree of control over them. Which is not the case here: Belkar doesn’t listen to me at all. I’m “leader” in name only, so I refuse to be held accountable for his actions. I didn’t hire Belkar and I’m not his jailer. I say, let fate or karma or the gods or…or whatever deal with his deeds.
Celia: But… but you have to do SOMETHING!
Haley: Why don’t YOU do something, if you’re so keen on it. Maybe kill him- eye for an eye, and all that?
Celia: Me? I… I’m not a killer! If I did that, I’d be no better than him.
Haley: Yeah, pacifism is tricky that way, ain’t it?
Celia: He can’t just get away with murder! There has to be some consequences!
Haley: Fine. FINE! Just to get you off my back…
<sfx> swipe!
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: There. The vile criminal has been punished by the loss of his beloved snack. Milk chocolate justice, with almonds.
Belkar: Damn it! With my luck, the next gnome I kill won’t even HAVE any candy!
Celia: …Do you have any idea how many cute fuzzy animals can die from ingesting chocolate?
Haley: Oh, for the love of the gods…
Celia: Now I have to find that candy bar and throw it away in a proper waste receptacle before some little puppy eats it…
Haley: She knows what’s poisonous to dogs, but not that humans can’t shoot lightning?
Belkar: Screw her and her “morals”! Let’s make a break for it while she’s distracted.
Haley: Appealing as that sounds, let me ask you this: Would I be traveling with a horrid little bastard like you if I didn’t need all the help I could get?
Belkar: Oh, right. Good point.

Spoiler: Strip 541

Show

He's a Gambling... Thing
Demon Roach Host, Demon Roach Co-Host, Tsukiko, Wight, Jirix, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Demon Roach 3

Demon Roach Host: Fellow evil folks, welcome once again to the Demon Entertainment Network. We have a spectacular show for you today.
Demon Roach Bookie: The name of the game is, “Dead or Alive?” As always, ladies bet first.
Tsukiko: Ha! Definitely dead.
Booted Wight: Yeah, he’s a goner.
Jirix: Put my gold on “Alive”, please. I’m feeling lucky.
Demon Roach Host: And the skeleton gets the last say.
Xykon: Hmmm… a tough call, but I’m going to have to agree with the orange guy and say, “Alive”- but with negative hit points.
Demon Roach Host: Ooooo, playing the longshot!
Demon Roach Bookie: OK, all the bets are in, let’s get this-
Monster in the Darkness: Wait! Wait, I want to play too.
Demon Roach 1: No way, kid, we run a legit operation. Scram.
Monster in the Darkness: I have money! See?
Demon Roach 1: That’s Monopoly money.
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah, but it’s REAL Monopoly money this time. I learned my lesson.
Demon Roach Pennybanks: Take the bet.
Monster in the Darkness: Awesome! I want to bet on “Escapes and lives happily ever after.”
Demon Roach 1: Again? You try that bet every time.
Demon Roach Bookie: Well, if you want to throw your real fake money away, who are we to stop you? Drop him!
Monster in the Darkness: You can do it, Mr. Stiffly! I believe in you!
Demon Roach 2: Is that an acid-breathing shark?!?
Demon Roach 3: Yeah. They’ll let any old hack write a sourcebook these days.

Spoiler: Strip 542

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In Azure City, Shark Jumps You!
Shark, Jirix, Demon Roach Host, O-Chul, Xykon

<sfx> sweep! wooosh! CHOMP! SPLOOSH! splurtch. splurtch. snap! CHOMP! pow!
O-Chul: *gasp* *gasp* *gasp*
<sfx> splish! splash! splish! splash!
O-Chul: *gulp*
<sfx> wooosh! CHOMP! thunk.
Shark: ack!
<sfx> WHUMPF!
Demon Roach Host: And the winning bet is, “Alive”! Congratulations!
Jirix: Yes!
O-Chul: SMITE EV-
Xykon: Ray of Frost.
Demon Roach Host: Correction: Alive, with negative hit points. The boss wins again!
Xykon: Huh. I think he actually got a few inches closer to me this time…

Spoiler: Strip 543

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Shhh! Principal's Coming!
Monster in the Darkness, Tsukiko, Xykon, Demon Roach Host, Demon Roach Co-Host, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2

Monster in the Darkness: Poor Mr. Stiffly! I hoped really, really hard, and he still didn’t escape. I don’t know why it didn’t work.
Tsukiko: Yeah, gee, I don’t know why wanting it wasn’t enough it make it happen.
Monster in the Darkness: Me neither!
Xykon: I don’t know…maybe we can try lava next time? Can you get a lava-breathing shark?
Demon Roach Host: Sure, we know a guy who wholesales ‘em.
Demon Roach Bookie: Problem is, you can’t see the action through the lava.
Redcloak: What in the name of the Dark One is going on in here?!? AGAIN with the acid??
Demon Roach 1: Aw, man. Busted!
Redcloak: I can’t believe this! I have, “Interrogate paladin,” on my schedule for 2:09 pm, sharp, and look at the condition he’s in. Cure Minor Wounds. This is going to completely screw up today’s Action List. I may have to burn a Heal spell just to get him healthy in time for his usual torture regimen. I’ll probably have to skip the thumbscrews entirely.
Monster in the Darkness: Your screws have thumbs on them? Neat! I wonder if they can screw themselves…
Redcloak: For that matter, don’t any of YOU have duties to attend? Jirix, did you finish putting the new cover sheets on the TPS reports?
Demon Roach 1: Didn’t you get the memo?
Jirix: Uh, no, Supreme Leader… I was… uh…
Xykon: OK, pipe down, Mr. Green Genes. I told him to blow off work and hang with the cool kids for the afternoon.
Redcloak: Very well, sir, I guess I’ll ask YOU then why you’re risking a valuable asset on silly games. You know as well as I do that the paladin is pretty much our only information source on how the next gate might be guarded, since we still haven’t found any records in the ruins of the castle.
Xykon: So? If we kill him by accident, you can just bring him back to life.
Redcloak: No, I can’t! His soul needs to consent to being raised-and something tells me that if you accidently kill him with your ridiculous deathtrap, he probably won’t agree to come back.
Demon Roach 1: He might do it… for what’s behind Door #3!
Demon Roach 2: This campaign has gotten too Monty Hall.
Redcloak: All I’m asking is that we TRY to not get him killed yet.
Xykon: Hey, keeping someone alive is cleric’s work. You figure it out. Me, I’m bored! For whatever reason, I can only devote 8 hours a day to making magical items, even though I’m awake 24/7. I’ve got to fill in the rest of the time with something-and there’s only so much enjoyment one can get out of making untrained slaves fight each other.
Jirix: Yeah, most of the time, they just slip and impale themselves on their weapons.
Xykon: No, that was the enjoyment I was talking about. Friggin’ hilarious. This paladin, he’s the best entertainment we’ve got. He’s like the Energizer bunny, a Rollex watch, and Jackie Chan mixed together. I’ve watched him break bones even *I* didn’t know humans had-and I’m a skeleton!
Redcloak: Sir, you know that no one loves seeing a paladin get what’s coming to them more than I do, but we need to keep our eyes on the prize. We can’t rush off to the western Continent without knowing SOMETHING about how Girard’s Gate is defended. We’ve put too much into this plan to screw it up now.
Tsukiko: “Gate”? What gate?
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, that’s my line!
Xykon: Fine, if it’ll get your starched tighty-whiteys out of the twist they’re in, we won’t drop him in the acid tank with the shark again. It was getting kind of predictable anyway, which wreaks havoc with the odds.
Redcloak: I’m sorry, sir, that’s not good enough. You said the same thing after I asked you to stop locking him in the cage with two dozen rabid dire wallabies.
Xykon: Oh yeah, that was great. Those little suckers can fight, heh heh.
Redcloak: And again when I found out about the Basilisk Staring Contest.
Xykon: Technically, the paladin won that one.
Jirix: He never blinked.
Xykon: Fine, I promise that we won’t put the paladin in any type of enclosure with any animal, magical beast, or aberration, as part of an attempt to entertain ourselves.
Redcloak: Really?
Xykon: I swear. Cross my ribs and hope to live.
Redcloak: Alright then. Thank you. I have to get him cleaned up and healed before his torture, so I’ll probably be late for tonight’s status meeting.
Jirix: Yes, sir. I’ll try to use the extra time to get some good out-of-the-box ideas ready.
Monster in the Darkness: Did he say “out-of-the-box ideas”?
Xykon: Stay in the box.
Monster in the Darkness: Darn it.
Redcloak: I tell you, nobody around here respects my schedule. Do they think crushing an entire civilization beneath our heels “just happens”? It’s all fun and games for them, but I’m the one who has to make the magical lightning-powered trains run on time.
Demon Roach 1: Yeah, the dinosaurs hate it when they’re late.
Xykon: … How long would it take you to whip up an undead warrior good enough for some “mano-a-mano” gladiatorial action with the prisoner?
Tsukiko: Sword and shield, or trident and net?
Xykon: Surprise me.

Spoiler: Strip 544

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A Lot at Stake
Redcloak, O-Chul

Redcloak: Good morning, this is your requested wake-up call. The time is now half-past Reasonable.
<sfx> SPLOOSH!
O-Chul: Unnh!
Redcloak: Maybe we can TRY to make a little progress today?
O-Chul: Blindfold? Water? Is it Thursday already?
Redcloak: No, my colleagues have prompted me to take a little break from our routine.
O-Chul: Wait-is that the wind I feel?
Redcloak: It is. We’re on a little “field trip”.
O-Chul: By the Twelve Gods!
Redcloak: No… But I have it on good authority that they DID have a hand in it. Or should I say a paw?
O-Chul: The rift… It has grown so large…
Redcloak: Your crazy friend gave it a jumpstart when she shattered Soon’s Gate, and it’s been unraveling like a wereporcupine’s cheap holiday sweater even since. But good news: The rate of growth has slowed considerably. By my math, we’re looking at another hundred feet before it stops. Probably.
O-Chul: You mad fool! If your kind were not tampering with things beyond your ken-
Redcloak: “My ken”? Compared to you, my “ken” is living in a Malibu dream house. I know exactly what I’m doing, and what’s at stake. We all have our gambles. Just ‘cause I’m willing to bet on the longshot doesn’t mean I don’t know the odds. I’m well aware that there’s a high chance that what we’re doing may result in a doomsday for us all. But I pushed my chips into the middle of the table long ago, so I might as well play my hand to the end. Overused gambling metaphors aside, I would point out that every time some lunatic destroys a gate rather than let it fall into our hands, that chance increases significantly. It’s you good guys who keep setting the Armageddon Clock ahead to Daylight Savings Time, not us.
O-Chul: What would you have us do, villain? Roll over and let your kind conquer us?
Redcloak: Well, it would be a lot safer, in the long run.
O-Chul: Safe? It would be naught but the safety of the grave.
Redcloak: Yes! Exactly! Wow, it is so refreshing for us to finally all be on the same page here!

Spoiler: Strip 545

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Someone Should be Wearing Safety Goggles
O-Chul, Redcloak

O-Chul: Go to Hell, goblin.
Redcloak: Hmmmm. Unlikely. If the Snarl escapes its prison uncontrolled, it won’t merely kill us. It will unmake us, dissolving our existence. There will be no Afterlife for us, punitive or otherwise, just nothingness. What I find really fascinating is that all of the accounts I’ve heard of the rifts from before the five Gates were ever built describe the Snarl reaching out and consuming those nearby. Yet it hasn’t stepped one tangled foot outside that rift in, what, four months? I wonder if the remaining Gates somehow prevent it from noticing the unsealed rifts now? Lucky for you, I’m not one of those clerics who relies solely on faith. I believe in the scientific method. That’s why I’m going to have one of those two groups of human slaves hurled off the left side of the tower, into the open rift.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: <voiceover> Mind you, I don’t expect any of tehm to come back, but I figure if I send eight in at once, one of them might scream some relevant empirical data before they are undone by the Snarl.
<cutback>
Redcloak: The second group is the control. We’ll push them off the other side. Of course, if I were to suddenly learn how Girard’s Gate was protected, I wouldn’t have time to indulge my experimental curiosity, would I? I’d need to get ready to leave this city right away.
O-Chul: And I suppose in this fantasy of yours, you would let me go?
Redcloak: Do I look like I’m running a catch-and-release program? No, you’ll be killed as soon as I have what I need from you. But then I-and Xykon, and our most powerful allies-would depart, leaving your precious city to be held only by common hobgoblins. And we would have little reason to return… should your people manage to reclaim control. It is the best, most realistic chance of Azure City ever knowing freedom.
O-Chul: … Very well. If my sacrifice can lead to the safety of my city, then it would be wrong not to make it freely. After all, even with this information, there is a chance that Lord Hinjo and his allies will thwart you. Girard’s Gate is protected by an elaborate maze, hidden with mighty illusions and sealed from all forms of magical intrusion. Only by answering the riddles within can one reach the center, but the answers are encoded in that diary that Xykon carries with him.
Redcloak: … I can’t believe it. Wow. Just… After all this time… I have finally found the very WORST liar in the entire world.
O-Chul: I was a fighter for 12 years before I was recruited as a paladin! Charisma seemed like a safe dump stat at the time!
Redcloak: Next time, spring for cross-class skill ranks. THROW IN THE FIRST GROUP!

Spoiler: Strip 546

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O-Chul's Razor
O-Chul, Redcloak, Psion, Jirix, Hobgoblin

O-Chul: NO! Wait!
Redcloak: You’re going to have to come up with a better story than “riddles”. Girard was capable of some of the most powerful illusions ever devised. I want to know details: types of illusions and how we can defeat them.
O-Chul: I have told you many times. I do not know. Soon swore an oath not to-
Redcloak: Yes, yes, this is where you discuss Soon and his oath not to interfere in the defense of the other Gates. A lovely tale.
<flashback>
Redcloak: <voiceover> And in all our time together, every Mind Probe, every Zone of Truth, every divination of any sort corroborates that you are telling the truth.
Psion: Nope, nothing.
Redcloak: Damn it! Do you know how long it took me to even figure out if we were USING psionics in this world??
Jirix: That leaves us a bushel of fortune cookies, an 18-th level Incarnum user, and a magic 8-ball that we haven’t tried.
Redcloak: *sigh* OK, bring up the cookies and keep the 8-ball on standby.
<end flashback>
Redcloak: But which is most believable: that a powerful order of paladins-directly empowered by your gods to defend the very fabric of the universe-would deliberately ignore the status of 4 out of the 5 locations that could threaten it? Or that you simply have some obscure feat or class ability capable of fooling divination magic? The latter requires only a source book that I haven’t read…while the former implies that generations of human paladins have willingly sabotaged their own ability to perform their duties for a silly promise. DO you honestly expect me to believe such a ridiculous story??
Hobgoblin: Supreme Leader, I have that lampshade you requested.
Redcloak: Just hang it anywhere. Where was I? Oh, right. I find it FAR more probably that you are somehow resisting my magic. This “Soon’s Oath” story is just that-a cover story designed by your leaders. The information is there, somewhere. I just need to find a way to push past your conscious mind to access it. And since magic cannot break you, I’ve been forced to rely on the more traditional torture methods. Which I honestly haven’t expected to be too productive, what with a paladin’s immunity to fear. Unfortunately, I wrote it on my schedule in ink, so here we are. You’re Lawful, I’m sure you understand.
O-Chul: Wait. You are insisting that I am holding out on you, based solely on what you consider the most likely scenario?
Redcloak: Naturally. Logic dictates that the simplest solution is the most probably.
O-Chul: And you find the idea that I have some sort of secret knowledge implanted in my brain by the elders of the Sapphire Guard that has been so deeply suppressed that no magical effect can unearth it to be SIMPLER… than the idea that I just don’t know anything?
Redcloak: …I like the way I phrased it better.
O-Chul: No doubt.
Redcloak: THROW IN THE FIRST GROUP!

Spoiler: Strip 547

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Endurance Feat
O-Chul, Redcloak, Hobgoblin, Prisoner 1, Prisoner 2, Prisoner 3, Prisoner 4, Prisoner 5, Prisoner 6, Prisoner 7

O-Chul: WAIT!
Redcloak: Then tell me what I want to know! How is Girard’s Gate protected??
O-Chul: I don’t know!
Redcloak: It gives me no pleasure to end those men up there- not the least because of how hackneyed a trope it is. I mean, threatening innocents to get the Good Guy to cave? I might as well grow a mustache and twirl the ends while I’m at it. But I assure you, I WILL do it. I’ll just do something wildly original later to make up for it.
O-Chul: I am telling you, I do not know the information you seek! I cannot give you what I simply do not have!
Redcloak: Damn you! You’re a paladin! You can’t just let me do this! It’s literally against the rules!
O-Chul: I am not “letting” you do anything. I cannot tell you what I do not know! If you throw those men to their undoing, then do so and be quick. The act is on your hands, not mine. Were I free, I would kill you now and rescue them, but there is no way my words can save them. I will pray that the Twelve Gods look after their loved ones instead.
Redcloak: How? How can you condemn fourteen of your own people like that? Don’t their lives-their very souls-mean anything to you?
O-Chul: They mean everything. More than you could know. But I must endure their senseless loss nonetheless. For that is the task the Twelve Gods have given me-to endure.
Redcloak: Humans… I’ve come to expect your lack of respect for the lives of MY people, but I am continually amazed at how little you value those of your own. You’re nothing but savages, amoral savages.
O-Chul: …
Hobgoblin: Hey, so… are we throwing people off of the roof, or what?
Redcloak: … No. Let them go. This is a waste of time. They can go back to the slave pits and tell the other humans how merciful we were, and how one of their own paladins was willing to let them die. It’ll be great P.R., don’t you agree?
O-Chul: …
<cutaway>
Prisoner 1: …and the whole time, he never broke.
Prisoner 2: I never seen such stubbornness before!
Prisoner 3: I couldn’t hear what info the goblin was after, but by the look on his face, he didn’t get it.
Prisoner 4: So, some paladins made it through the battle?
Prisoner 5: They must be making that man’s life a living hell.
Prisoner 6: By the Twelve Gods, if he can resist them, so can we!
Prisoner 7: Spread the word to the next cell.

Spoiler: Strip 548

Show

His Most Despicable Act Yet
Jirix, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Xykon

Jirix: Welcome back, sir. Did you learn anything, useful?
Redcloak: You mean aside from the fact that uncontrolled fissures in the wall of the universe make my complexion look pasty? No.
Demon Roach 1: I could have told you that.
Redcloak: The paladin doesn’t know anything, I’m finally sure of it. I pushed as hard as I could, but he didn’t have any idea on how to stop me from wiping out his countrymen off the face of the universe. I still can’t wrap my head around how the Sapphire Guard could be so… sloppy… but it seems to be true. Apparently, they reserved their efficiency for killing goblin women and children. Tomorrow, I’ll put the paladin back on the rack. See if I can get him to-
Jirix: You’re still going to torture him? But I thought you said he didn’t know anything.
Redcloak: He doesn’t. The bad news for him is that his lack of knowledge hasn’t been the point for some time.
Demon Roach 1: Who doesn’t like a nice rack?
Demon Roach 2: Eh, that joke was a stretch.
Redcloak: The idea that he may still spill something is all I need. I can use it to convince Xykon to stay here a little bit longer-and give us time to consolidate hobgoblin control of the city and the countryside.
Jirix: We’re ready now, Supreme Leader! We can defend this city when Xykon and you move on!
Redcloak: But can you feed yourselves? We’re working on establishing trade routes with some of the more mercenary nations out there, but until we do, this new goblin state is less reliable than a dwarf’s sobriety.
Jirix: But I don’t get it. We’re lying to Xykon about what the paladin might know?
Redcloak: Among other things, yes. Xykon operates most efficiently on a “need to know” basis. And all he needs to know is that we’re not yet finished here.
Jirix: But isn’t he-
Redcloak: Listen very carefully: Xykon is a valuable ally, but he is NOT a goblin. He isn’t even alive, he’s a magically animated… thing. He does not have our best interests at heart, because he doesn’t HAVE a heart. I should know, I’m the one who cut the slippery little bugger out of him.
Demon Roach 1: Good times, good times.
Jirix: But… aren’t we all on the same side?
Redcloak: That is a complicated question. How many sides are there in this conflict, anyway? Three? Four? More?
Demon Roach 1: I count at least nine.
Demon Roach 2: Shh! They don’t know about some of those yet!
Redcloak: On the side of Evil, as defined by our opposition to those who choose to call themselves Good? Absolutely. But if you think for one round that Xykon gives a withered crap about the goblin race, I have a bridge to sell you to Terabithia. Our alliance with Xykon is one of the most powerful tools we have, and we cannot afford to screw that up. That does NOT mean we should trust him. I know he seems funny and charming, but believe me, when you see for yourself the depths to which he’ll sink-
<cutaway>
<sign text> REANIMATED GLADIATORS
Xykon: Love it. But can we get more silver spandex on those costumes?
<cutback>
Redcloak: -you will never sleep well again.

Spoiler: Strip 549

Show

Grueling Ordeal
Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul, Child

<sfx> KLANG! SLAM!
Monster in the Darkness: Welcome back, Mr. Stiffly!
O-Chul: Thank you. And I have told you many times, my name is O-Chul.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, right. I’ll try to remember that, Mr. Stiffly. Hey, did you get any new scars today?
O-Chul: I do not believe so, no.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh well. Better luck next time, right?
O-Chul: I suppose.
Monster in the Darkness: They served dinner while you were gone. Tonight’s meals are-
O-Chul: A big bucket of beef stew for you, and a small bowl of watery gruel for me.
Monster in the Darkness: Yup! So, up for the usual trade?
O-Chul: My gruel for a scoop from your bucket? If you are willing, though I never understand why you would WANT to trade for gruel.
Monster in the Darkness: Well, I like gruel. And you don’t. So if we trade, I get two things I like, and you get one thing you like. That way, everyone ends up happy. I’ll pretty much eat whatever they feed me anyway. Except babies.
O-Chul: Excuse me??
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, I don’t eat babies. Or kids. And that includes veal. It just feels… weird. Don’t get me wrong, Xykon is, like, ALWAYS trying to feed me live children. I think he thinks it’ll make me scarier or something. But mostly, I just push them around my plate for a while and then scrape them in the trash when he’s not looking.
<cutaway>
Child: Hello? Mommy?
<cutback>
Monster in the Darkness: How about you? Anything you won’t eat?
O-Chul: Well I was going to express a dislike of squid, but I guess babies top my list as well.
Monster in the Darkness: Awesome! We should totally start a secret No-Baby-Eating club! And Tsukiko can’t join!
O-Chul: Tsukiko eats babies?!?
Monster in the Darkness: No, silly, she’s a girl. Girls can’t join! Haven’t you ever belonged to a secret club before?
O-Chul: Once. But it allowed girls.
Monster in the Darkness: Really? How did that work out?
O-Chul: Quite well. With one unfortunate exception.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 550 to 565
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 550

Show

+1 BFF
O-Chul, Monster in the Darkness

<sfx> glug! schlorf! slurp!
O-Chul: Speaking of allegiances, I must ask: You are, by my reckoning, not a bad person. Why do you ally yourself with the lich and the goblin?
Monster in the Darkness: I dunno. ‘Cause they’re my friends.
O-Chul: As a rule of thumb, anyone who keeps you in a box is not your friend.
<sfx> clang!
Monster in the Darkness: Nuh uh, see, they TOLD me that they were my friends. That’s how I know they are.
O-Chul: Deeds, not words, are the basis of friendship. Who, that you know, treats you as a friend?
Monster in the Darkness: Well… Xykon, because he gives me toys to shut me up. And Redcloak, ‘cause he feeds me to shut me up. And Right-Eye, even though I haven’t seen him around in a while. And you, because you’re nice and listen to what I have to say.
O-Chul: Well, I suppose that is a step in the right direction. It is an honor to be your friend… uh…
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, don’t worry about not knowing my name, I don’t know it either. Heck, hardly anyone around here uses their real names anyway.
O-Chul: Then it is an honor to be your friend, Monster-san.
Monster in the Darkness: Cool! Wanna play Monopoly?
O-Chul: You lost all of the money betting on me to escape.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh yeah. Wanna play Scrabble?
O-Chul: You lost all of the “g” and “p” tiles when you tricked the demon roaches into accepting your wager for “2 gp’s”. Which was after you ate all of the “o” tiles because you thought they were tiny chocolate donuts on square wooden plates.
Monster in the Darkness: F.Y.I.? They were not. Then do you wanna play-
O-Chul: My apologies, friend, but I think I would like to sleep. I am very tired, and your other “friends” likely have new and exciting atrocities to commit against me tomorrow. But when I awaken, I will gladly play the game that I taught you where we put the black and white pebbles on the grid.
Monster in the Darkness: Aww, man! That game is hard!
O-Chul: True, but you are learning it quickly. Very quickly.
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, look! It’s starting to rain! Didn’t you tell me that the sound of rain helped you fall asleep?
O-Chul: Yes… even since I was a boy. Truly, this is a tiny blessing from the Twelve Gods… They are telling me that I have… *YAWN!*… done well this day…
Monster in the Darkness: *YAWN!* Sweet dreams, Mr. Stiffly.
O-Chul: I have told you, my name is not- …Sweet dreams, Monster-san.

Spoiler: Strip 551

Show

Slow and Steady, My Ass!
Elan

Elan: *huff* *huff* *huff*
<sfx> thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph! thumph!
Elan: Awww, man! I hate is when a scene begins “in medias res”! I never know what's going on until like two strips later!

Spoiler: Strip 552

Show

And Yet the Turtle Got Away on His Own
Elan, Durkon, Daigo, Gok, Crong, Mungu

Daigo: Are they still behind us??
Durkon: Aye, but dinnae worry. If'n ye hold steady fer a mite, tha lightnin' o' Thor'll clear a path through 'em, fast as...... Well, fast as lightnin', I guess.
(D): Aye, but don't worry. If you hold stready for a moment, the lightning of Thor will clear a path through them, fast as...... Well, fast as lightning, I guess.
Elan: Although I didn't mind it so much in strip #1... No! Durkon, don't! They have our hostages back at their orc village!
Daigo: Hostage, Elan. Singular!
Elan: This is just a minor diplomatic setback, it happens all the time. Like, really, ALL the time. But if you start zapping them, we won't be able to talk to them at all.
Daigo: Well then do something fast, my arms feel like they're made of ochre jelly. Durkon, you should really consider switching to chainmail, it's a lot lighter.
Durkon: A long beard an' tiny pinchy loops o' metal dinnae mix as well as ye might believe. Elan, use one o' yer illusions!
(D): A long beard and tiny pinchy loops of metal don't mix as well as you might believe. Elan, use one of your illusions!
Daigo: Yeah, trick them into giving up the chase!
Elan: How do I do that??
Daigo: What am I, a main protagonist? How should I know? Just DO SOMETHING already!
Elan: Uh... OK... OK, I can do this... Major Image!
Daigo: Did you... Did you just cast an illusion of a SECOND horde of angry orcs?
Elan: I panicked! It's all I could think of!
Daigo: Great, no they're going to feel MORE confident about chasing us, 'cause now it looks like they outnumber us 40-to-1 instead of just 20-to-1. In their minds, you've doubled the odds against us!
Elan: Don't bring your fancy math into this!
Durkon: <voiceover> Daigo, lad, watch an' learn...
(D): Daigo, lad, watch and learn...
Crong: crong say hold on. new guys have situation well under control.
Gok: gok agree. seem very competent at core rampaging skill set.
Mungu: mmm. good fundamentals.
Gok: gok suggest crong let other orcs chase humans and dwarf.
Crong: crong agree. crong's heart not in chase anyway.
Mungu: mungu concur. mungu rather finish grammar lesson for today.
Crong: mmm. yes, crong hope crong get to verb conjugation before end of week.
Gok: gok look forward to first-person pronouns.
Mungu: capital letters intrigue mungu. [/b]

Spoiler: Strip 553

Show

Diplomacy is a Beach
Elan, Daigo, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Elan: I think we lost them!
Daigo: Yeah, they all turned back into the jungle.
Durkon: See? I told ye they were in league wit da trees!
(D): See? I told you they were in league with the trees!
Daigo: Durkon, the trees are not conspiring with the orcs.
Durkon: Och, ye said yerself when we got 'ere tha they all looked pretty shady to ye.
(D): Oh, you said yourself when we got here that they all looked pretty shady to you.
Elan: Vaarsuvius! You need to help us!
Vaarsuvius: Why no, it never becomes tiresome hearing THAT shouted at oneself, that you for inquiring. Am I to assume from your hurried egress from the foliage that you failed utterly in securing an oral agreement to resupply the fleet?
Daigo: They seemed OK with supplying us with arrows- one at a time.
Elan: I don't even know what happened!
<flashback>
Elan: <voiceover> Everything started out peachy. We made contact with the orcs and told them we wanted to trade. They agreed to bring us to their leader.
Daigo: <voiceover> Then things got... weird.
<end flashback>
Vaarsuvius: I see. And how exactly did you manage to unintentionally offend their sovereign? Was it a personal hygiene comment, or something entirely new?
Elan: Hey, I'd resent that implication if it wasn't based entirely on my actual behavior up to this point!
Durkon: Na, na, Vaarsuvius, ye don't get it – Elan was perfect.
(D): No, no, Vaarsuvius, you don't get it – Elan was perfect.
<flashback>
Durkon <voiceover> He was charmin' an' likeable, an' laid out tha details, just like Hinjo told him ta.
(D): He was charming and likeable, and laid out the details, just like Hinjo told him to.
<end flashback>
Vaarsuvius: Then what compelled such a hasty retreat?
Elan: Well, I was entertaining the Chief to try to improve his attitude one more step to Friendly – When all of a sudden, they started bowing down and worshipping all around me!
Vaarsuvius: Oh, by the Great Elven Ancestors, are you honestly telling me that the savage natives mistook the civilized explorer for their deity? Because I think that would signify an all-time nadir for originality in this comic.
Daigo: No, you don't understand... They weren't bowing down to Elan.

Spoiler: Strip 554

Show

You're No Help at All
Elan, Daigo, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk, Lien

Elan: -and then the doctor guy grabbed Banjo off my hand and said I wasn't worthy of holding him!
Daigo: That's when the stabbing and shooting began.
Durkon: Followed by the runnin' and prayin'.
(D): Followed by the running and praying.
Vaarsuvius: Why in the infinite planes would a tribe of orcs spontaneously begin worshipping your hand puppet?
Elan: Wouldn't a better question be, “Why don't more tribes of orcs spontaneously being worshipping my hand puppet?”
Vaarsuvius: No. No, it would not. Wait- were there not four of you when you departed?
Elan: Lien wouldn't run away.
Daigo: Because, you know...
Durkon: Paladin.
<cutaway>
Lien: So, if you were looking to sacrifice a virgin, you'll have to find a way to travel back in time to before my Junior Prom.
Shaman Vurkle: no, banjo like girl with some experience.
Chief Grukgruk: better if been around block few times.
Lien: Damn it, how does my mother keep being right about this stuff?
<cutback>
Daigo: So, do we have a plan to rescue her?
Durkon: I dinnae exactly prepare me spells today wit stealth in mind, but I think I may be able ta-
(D): I did not exactly prepare my spells today with stealth in mind, but I think I might be able to-
Vaarsuvius: I wish you all the luck required to complete your endeavor.
Elan: Wait – aren't you coming with us, V???
Vaarsuvius: I am not. I only agreed to accompany this expedition because I needed to procure several avian specimens with which to complete my current experiment, which I have done. I leave the details of establishing trade relations – including dealing with unforeseen consequences thereof- in the hands of those maginally more qualified.
Daigo: But what about Lien??
Vaarsuvius: My sole priority lies with contining to search for Miss Starshine. Lien is an adult, it is not my place to relieve her of the ramifications of her unwillingness to flee when the circumstances warrant it.
Durkon: Wha if she dies, Vaarsuvius? Wha then?
(D): What if she dies, Vaarsuvius? What then?
Vaarsuvius: Then I suppose you will need to raise her. Who knows? Perhaps we can get a message to Sir Greenhilt in that manner. Either way, it is hardly my concern. Fly! Now if you will excuse me, my research awaits.
Durkon: Come back 'ere, ye blasted elf!
(D): Come back here, you blasted elf!
Elan: Forget it, Durkon. We can handle this on our own. I may not have been able to save Haley, but I can go back and make this right. This is where we draw the line in the sand (literally) and say, “No more!” We won't leave one of our own behind again!!
Durkon: Ye ARE talkin' aboot rescuing Lien, right?
(D): You ARE talking about rescusing Lien, right?
Elan: We won't leave TWO of our own behind again!! (Thanks.)

Spoiler: Strip 555

Show

Half-Dragons Are Even Worse
Qarr, Chief Grukgruk, Shaman Vurkle, Therkla, Therkla's Father, Therkla's Mother

Qarr: I can't believe you had him right here in your hut, and you grabbed the puppet instead of the bard.
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk sorry, but orc tribe priorities changed, prior agreement with imp less important now. naturally, will refund deposit.
Shaman Vurkle: banjo new orc god now. banjo reveal clown self to shaman vurkle, shaman vurkle not able deny banjo divinity.
Therkla: Yeah, but don't you guys have, like, your own orc gods or something?
Shaman Vurkle: tribe once worshipped great mighty bull, but it vanished long ago.
Chief Grukgruk: think it happen around time tribe discover crate washed up on shore of hamburger buns and individually-wrapped cheese slices. but not sure.
<cutaway>
Chief Grukgruk: <voiceover> since then, tribe worship land we live on. mountain, with two caves. sea, with three reefs. like shaman vurkle, banjo clothes show. chief grukgruk know sign when chief grukgruk see sign.
Shaman Vurkle: good to have new god. was getting hard to decide what is right and wrong for self.
Chief Grukgruk: better to have small hand puppet to tell us. easier. more time for orc-ball on sunday.
Qarr: Welll, hey, how about a small angry imp telling you what is right or wrong? Doing what we tell you to do and capturing the human is right! Not getting your green butt out there and looking for them is wrong! Do I need to inscribe that on a stone tablet for you?
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk not listen to imp. chief grukgruk eat imp in one bite!
Qarr: Unless your teeth are silver or Good-aligned, I don't think so, mush-for-brains.
Therkla: Hey, hey! Everyone, just calm down. We're all friends here. Or at least colleagues. There's no need for hurt feelings. Look, we captured Hinjo's assistant, there's no way they'll just let her die. They'll send a rescue party, probably led by Elan – uh, the human – because he's obviously their most powerful and competent warrior and has such nice hair. We just sit tight and grab them when they show up.
Chief Grukgruk: grukgruk listen to therkla. therkla make sense. therkla smartest, prettiest orc chief grukgruk ever know.
Therkla: Uh, yeah, thanks, I guess. But I'm actually half-orc.
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk half orc too. other half, also orc.
Therkla: No, no, I mean i'm half-human.
Chief Grukgruk: ohhhh. that imply very ugly backstory.
<flashback>
Therkla’s Father: Come here, my snuggly green cutie-pie!
Therkla’s Mother: *giggle!* me so in love!
<end flashback>
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk frankly not want to dwell on that very much.
Therkla: Try growing up with it.

Spoiler: Strip 556

Show

Nuthin' But Net
Elan, Durkon, Daigo, Orcs

Elan: I still say we can talk to the orcs. If they've begun worshipping Banjo, then they are obviously highly enlightened individuals who will listen to reason.
Durkon: Aye, well, we can try talkin' to 'em AFTER we rescue Lien.
(D): Aye, well, we can try talking to them AFTER we rescue Lien.
Daigo: I agree. Better to-
<sfx> snag! sproing!
Elan: GAH!! Oh man! A net! Now WE'RE captured, too!
Daigo: No need to panic, it's just a hunting snare. It's intended to trap animals.
Elan: Oh, cruel ironic world, that we, people who were doing the rescuing, now need to be rescuinged ourselves!
Daigo: No, it's OK. I'm pretty sure we can just lift up the edges and crawl out.
Elan: Now that we have fallen into the clutches of our enemies, is there any hope for escape?
Daigo: Actually, Elan, we're escaping right now.
Elan: ANY HOPE AT ALL?!?!? If only there was a way to free ourselves, but alas, we are helpless!
Daigo: OK, seriously, Elan, stop screwing around.
Durkon: Blast it, lad, have ye gone completely daft, instead o' yer usual mostly daft?
(D): Blast it, lad, have you gone completely daft, instead of your usual mostly daft?
Elan: OK, OK, sure, we can get out of this net. But obviously, we're supposed to be captured here. You know, so the story continues the right way. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a net in our path in the first place. I just figured it would be easier to not fight if for once. If we're going to get taken prisoner anyway, I'd rather not get my butt kicked first.
Daigo: That's ridiculous. The whole point here is to AVOID being captured.
Elan: Right, which is why it's guaranteed that we WILL be captured? Were's the dramatic tension in us waltzing in and succeeding?
Durkon: Och, by Thor's ankle... if'n yer gonna stay thar, we'll come back fer ye after we get tha lass.
(D): Oh, by Thor's ankle... if your going to stay there, we'll come back for you after we get the lass.
Elan: No, seriously, guys! Save yourself a world of hurt, get back under-
Orcs: intruders! get them! for banjo!
Durkon: Holy wor- OW!!!!
<sfx> flixxle! ffft! ffft! ffft! whumph! thunk! thunk! splortch!
Daigo: Ahh!
Elan: <singing> Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, “I told you so!”

Spoiler: Strip 557

Show

The Puppet Mistress
Daigo, Lien, Elan, Therkla, Qarr, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk

Daigo: Lien! Thank the Twelve Gods you're still alive. How are you doing?
Lien: Questioning the life choices that brought me to this point. You?
Daigo: The same, really.
Elan: Wow! Banjo, you have your very own alter! I'm so proud!
Therkla: <whispering> *Squeal!* There he is! How does he look so good tied up?
Qarr: Perfect! A quick quartest of disembowelings, and we'll be ready to take our leave of this fly-infested dump.
Therkla: Wait- they're going to kill them all?!?
Qarr: Well, duh. That was the point of this mission.
Therkla: No! It wasn't!! We were going to capture Elan and hold on to him until we could assassinate Hinjo. That way he'd stay safe. I mean WE would stay safe. From him.
Qarr: Yeah, well, I figured it would be easier to cut to the chase -“chase” in this case meaning “spinal cord”- so I told Grukgruk to sacrifice all four to that stupid puppet.
Therkla: Ugh! You horrid little piece of devil crap!
Qarr: Geez, what is your problem, mortal? No wonder you people need us to tell you how to be Evil, you'd just screw it up on your own.
Elan: Aww, man, Hinjo's gonna be peeved that I got Lien sacrificed to my god. He'll probably give that stern paladin look to my eviscerated remains.
Therkla: STOP!
Shaman Vurkle: *gasp!*
Elan: Yes! I knew it!
Therkla: Yes, it is I, Banjo the Clown, god of puppets! I have seen you orcs worshipping me, and have chosen this moment to make my will known. Do not harm the fair human! He is my prophet, and shall not have one silky luxurious hair put out of place! Defy me, and prepare to feel my googly-eyed wrath!
Chief Grukgruk: as banjo wish, banjo. chief grukgruk release human.
Shaman Vurkle: *sigh* shaman vurkle never get to sacrifice anything nice.
Elan: Thank you, o mighty Banjo, for sparing my life. It fills me with joy to hear your words... even though it turns out that your voice is a lot deeper than I imagined it.
Shaman Vurkle: what about other humans and the dwarf? they prophet too?
Therkla: Huh? Oh, no, I don't really care about them. Kill them, or whatever, I guess. Whatever makes you guys happy.
Shaman Vurkle: hooray! sacrifice back on agenda!
Lien: Elan! If you're the prophet, SAY something!!
Elan: Truly, Banjo giventh with one hand, and taketh away with the other.
Lien: ELAN!!!
Elan: I think the hand with the banjo is the taketh-ing one. Otherwise, he's pretty much only be able to giveth banjoes.

Spoiler: Strip 558

Show

Sort of Like a Reverse Psion
Lien, Elan, Therkla, Daigo, Chief Grukgruk

Lien: No, Elan, say something to get us out of here!!
Elan: Oh! I just thought you wanted me to say something prophety. O righteous Banjo, mater of puppetry, please don't kill all my friends.
Therkla: Why not? Wouldn't it be nicer to stay on this island and live as a spiritual leader of these orcs? Just you, me, and any nice sexy double-jointed half-orc ninja girl you may happen to meet while here?
Elan: Oh, Banjo, I know that seems like a good idea, but it just wouldn't work. I understand exactly what you're going through. I first became an adventurer because it seemed fun and exciting. And hey, if I acted silly and slacked off, it didn't matter too much- -'cause what, like I was gonna have any effect on a battle anyway? I was a bard, no one really expected me to contribute. But since I became a Dashing Swordsman too, I've gained at some small ability to influence the course of some events around me. On a good day. And so I've come to realize that I have a duty to use my limited competence to have a partial effect on the world, from time to time.
Daigo: <whispering> Wait- does he KNOW that there's someone crouching behind the alter, or not?
Lien: <whispering> How should I know? An epic-level ranger couldn't track his thought process. I'm just happy the knife stopped coming closer.
Elan: It's sort of the same way with you, Banjo. You've never had any power because you only had me worshipping you. Now that you have a whole orc tribe, you can sort of almost accomplish something useful. Mostly. And like me, you have an obligation to use that capacity when you feel like doing so. Remember: With moderate power comes moderator responsibility. Please, Banjo. Do what you know in your puppet heart to be right and let my friends go.
Chief Grukgruk: what say you, banjo? do prophety words sway you?
Therkla: Hmm? Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually listening, I was just watching his full sensual lips move.
Chief Grukgruk: eh. banjo not miss much. long monologue with spider-man reference. comic way too wordy for chief grukgruk sometimes.
Therkla: Even so, I could never make my prophet Elan unhappy, even though I bet he's adorable when he pouts. Release the prisoners at once!
Daigo: Is it just me, or is he actually more useful the LESS he understands what is going on?
Durkon: Och, aye. He has “Ignorance” as a class power source.
Elan: Thank you, Banjo! I know you would help!
Therkla: Yes, yes. So tell me, Elan, have you ever thought about how you might become closer to your god? Like, a LOT closer?

Spoiler: Strip 559

Show

An Introduction to Comparative Theology
Therkla, Elan, Qarr, Chief Grukgruk, Daigo, Durkon, Crong, Shaman Vurkle

Therkla: -which is why pants should be forsaken whenever possible.
Elan: I've always felt the same way! Wow!
Qarr: Oh, no. No way. This is NOT ending with a big fuzzy group hug. None of you humans are leaving this island alive!
Daigo: What is that voice?
Elan: I dunno, but with a red-and-black speech balloon, it's probably something REALLY scary!
Qarr: I didn't want to keep resorting to the same old spell, but... Charm Monster! Chief Grukgruk, order your orcs to kill all of the humans. And the dwarf.
Chief Grukgruk: kill humans and dwarf.
Therkla: No! Banjo commands you to stop!
Chief Grukgruk: kill humans and dwarf.
Crong: yes, chief grukgruk.
Therkla: Darn it, he's not listening anymore! Why did you do that??
Qarr: I could ask you the same question. However, since it will be made moot by their impending deaths, I'll return to our ship to plan our regicide- -and decide how to tell Kubota about your actions here. Have a nice swim back.
<sfx> poof!
Therkla: Elan! This way!
<sfx> kathang!
Elan: Hey, I remember you! You're the girl who vanished mysteriously with a loud “sploosh” noise and a spray of water.
Therkla: Follow me, I know the fastest way to the shore.
Elan: OK!
Daigo: Elan looks like he has an escape route.
Durkon: Tha won't be necessary, lad. This time, tha orcs're only attackin' 'cause thar leader's been charmed... A situation tha power o' Thor c'n remedy! Greater Dispel Magic!
(D): That won't be necessary, lad. This time, the orcs are only attacking because their leader's been charmed... A situation the power of Thor can remedy! Greater Dispel Magic!
Chief Grukgruk: wait, why us attack?
Crong: crong not privvy to rationale behind command decisions.
Chief Grukgruk: forget humans then. us stay and worship banjo in peace and harmony.
Shaman Vurkle: has anyone seen puppet god?
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk though shaman vurkle had puppet god.
Shaman Vurkle: shaman vurkle thought chief grukgruk had puppet god.
Chief Grukgruk: ...
Elan: Ah ha! See? My god's power to get us into trouble is stronger than your god's power to get us out of it!
Durkon: Aye? How aboot we compare Banjo's ability ta dodge wit Thor's ability to smack ye upside yer fool head?
(D): Aye? How about we compare Banjo's ability to dodge with Thor's ability to smack you upside your fool head?

Spoiler: Strip 560

Show

Meanwhile, His Teammate Was in Rhodes
Therkla, Elan, Diago, Lien, Ninja, Cyclops, Durkon

Therkla: This way, everyone! There's a shortcut through here to the water, so you can get back to Hinjo's boat.
Lien: Wait, she knows Lord Hinjo's name? Elan, I don't think we can trust this woman.
Daigo: Yeah, she could be leading us into a trap. I mean, a new trap.
Elan: No, it's cool. I fought beside her once before. Don't you guys see? She wears a mask, she shows up every time we're in trouble, and we don't know her real name. Isn't it obvious? She's a superhero!!
<sign text> Welcome to the Greg Initiative. Station 32. The Smiley Face.
Lien: Elan, she's a ninja!!
Elan: No, see, she just has a ninja-themed motif to strike fear into the hearts of cowardly and superstitious criminals.
<cutaway>
Ninja: Gah!
Therkla: A ninja! It's an omen! I shall become a NINJA!
<cutback>
Elan: Either that, or she was bitten by a radioactive ninja...
Lien: She was willing to let orcs sacrifice me, Elan!!
Elan: Huh? What are you talking about? She didn't show up until after-
Lien: Stop and think for a minute, Elan! She was She was the one behind the altar, don't you recognize her voice?? She was the clown!
Elan: Oh, so first she's a ninja, now she's a clown? Was she a pirate-robot-monkey, too? Pul-lease. You're just jealous that she has a secret identity and you don't.
Lien: Well, how about I just Detect Evil on her and-
Therkla: *gulp*
Lien: Hey, where did she go??
<spell text> STILL NOT EVIL
Elan: See?? She disappeared while we were looking away, just like a real superhero!
Lien: Or like, I don't know, a NINJA!
Elan: A ninja superhero, exactly.
Durkon: Can we please table tha ninja discussion 'til AFTER we're done escapin'??
(D): Can we please table the ninja discussion until AFTER we're done escaping??
Daigo: Agreed! This tunnel is creeping me out. I keep having flashbacks to earlier strips.
Lien: Fine. I still say it's ridiculous to think that a superhero would just show up on a random island in the middle of the ocean.
Elan: It's happened before.
Lien: Name one time.
<cutaway>
Cyclops: Hey.

Spoiler: Strip 561

Show

Pop Idolatry
Elan, Lien, Daigo, Durkon, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk

Elan: The shoreline! See, I told you she would lead us to safety.
Lien: Thank the Twelve Gods! I was beginning to think the people who built that tunnel had absolutely no idea where it was going.
Durkon: Water Walk!
Daigo: You had Water Walk prepared?
Durkon: I line onna boat an' wear heavy armor.
Daigo: Good point.
Elan: Ha ha! We got away with Banjo! Nyah nyah!
Shaman Vurkle: orcs not have god. again.
Chief Grukgruk: it ok, shaman vurkle. chief grukgruk sure we find something else to worship.
Shaman Vurkle: *sigh* shaman vurkle go back to worshipping vague land spirit, shaman vurkle guess. not as satisfying.
Chief Grukgruk: there, there.
Elan: Aww, man. Now I feel bad for him. Hey, you know, you could always just become followers of a different god.
Durkon: Aye. Instead o' worshipping a bull or a clown, ye could put yer faith inna REAL deity, like Thor.
(D): Aye. Instead of worshipping a bull or a clown, you could put your faith into a REAL deity, like Thor.
Shaman Vurkle: really?
Durkon: Ye'd haf to atone fer any evil deeds ye did first, but then wit faith an' devotion, ye could-
(D): You'd have to atone for any evil deeds you did first, but then with faith and devotion, you could-
Elan: Or, you could just start worshipping- GIGGLES the clown, god of slapstick! He's just like Banjo, except instead of playing music, he hits people with a stick.
Shaman Vurkle: oooo, hitting people more our thing anyway.
Chief Grukgruk: OK, orcs worship giggles now.
Durkon: WHA?!? But tha be just another puppet! Wha aboot Thor?
(D): WHAT?!? But that is just another puppet! What about Thor?
Shaman Vurkle: atoning for misdeeds sound like it involve a lot of talking.
Chief Grukgruk: giggles is a god of action!
Shaman Vurkle: no like banjo now, stupid banjo and dumb banjo-worshippers get off orc island.
Elan: Don't be mean to Banjo! He can still smite Giggles with his magic banjo!
Shaman Vurkle: giggles blocks!
Elan: Nuh uh! No force can block Banjo's holy weapon!
Shaman Vurkle: no force- but enchanted thwacking-stick of banjo's brother, giggles!
Elan: Ooooo! That's neat! OK, so they're brothers, but they're rivals, too. Cool!
Durkon: But...but thar na real gods! Thar just puppets! Cannae ye see thar just puppets?!?
(D): But...but they're not real gods! They're just puppets! Can't you see they're just puppets?!?
Elan: The only way to settle this dispute between two gods is with a pie-eating contest!!
Shaman Vurkle and Chief Grukgruk: hooray!
Durkon: PUPPETS CANNAE EVEN EAT PIE!!!
(D): PUPPETS CANNOT EVEN EAT PIE!!!

Spoiler: Strip 562

Show

Heroic Fantasy
Kubota, Qarr, Therkla, Bard Boy, Ninja Girl, Alfred

Kubota: I do not wish to hear your excuse this time. Qarr has already informed me about everything that happened.
Qarr: Yeah! Now you and your tingly feelings will get what's coming to you.
Therkla: Please, Lord Kubota, I beg you... do not be too harsh in punishing Qarr.
Qarr: Begging won't have any effect on- wait, what?
Therkla: Sure, the mission that you approved was sanctioned to capture – not kill – Hinjo's bodyguard. And sure, Qarr took it upon himself to openly defy your orders when he instructed the orcs to kill him. But he only did so because he believed that his opinion was intristically more valid than your orders.
Kubota: And why do you think that I possibly cared about the lives of Hinjo's allies? Hmm?
Therkla: I do not know, Lord Kubota. The place of a minion such as myself is not to question her master's orders, but to carry them out exactly as given.
Qarr: Oh, come on, surely you don't think Lord Kubota will swallow that load of stench kow pie!
Kubota: Well done, Therkla.
Qarr: WHAT?!?
Kubota: You managed to weasel your way out of responsibility for your own actions like a seasoned veteran.
Therkla: I study at the feet of a master.
Kubota: I couldn't be prouder if you were my own flesh and blood.
Qarr: But-but she tried to save them! She betrayed our cause!! Hell, capturing the bard was HER idea!
Kubota: Nature abhors a tattletale, imp. There will be more opportunities to kill the Order of the Sitck. For today, I am proud of Therkla's progress toward a deeper understanding of politics. But my dear, just so we are as clear as my antique elven Crystal:The next time you see Hinjo's bodyguard, you are to kill him and bring me his head. No. Loopholes.
Therkla: Y-yes, Lord Kubota.
Kubota: Very well. As that issue is now settled, were you able to gather any useful intelligence on our enemies?
Qarr: From what I could see, “intelligence” was pretty low on her list of what she was looking for...
Therkla: Oh yes, Lord Kubota. I came away with a great deal of information for me to consider.
<cutaway>
Bard Boy: Holy mental monarchs, Ninja Girl! It looks like Hinjoker is up to his old tricks again!
Ninja Girl: Tell Commissioner Kubota that we're on the case, Bard Boy. To the Ninjamobile!
Alfred: Shall I prepare the bed chambers for your and Master Elan's usual post-heroics wild sex romp, ma'am?
Therkla: Yes, Alfred, that will do nicely.
Qarr: Apparently “sanity” isn't in the top ten, either.

Spoiler: Strip 563

Show

Air Mail
Daigo, Elan, Lien, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Daigo: Daddy learned about encumbrance today.
Elan: -so even though Vurkle was able to scarf down three more blueberry pies than I was, we all had so much fun that Chief Grukgruk agreed to trade with us.
Lien: We're trading them all the red and orange dye we have in stock. They need it for their ceremonial guard, and it's not like anyone around here uses it.
Hinjo: Excellent work, Elan! I knew you could handle this diplomatic mission without me.
Elan: Thanks Hinjo, it was awesome!
Hinjo: I do hope the Twelve Gods are understanding about us indirectly helping to found a new religion though. I think there might be a “Non-compete” clause in the paladin oaths...
Lien: Sir, if I may speak with you privately about something I saw... or rather, heard.
Hinjo: Of course.
Elan: Oh, hey Vaarsuvius. You missed Banjo coming to life and saving us from the orcs.
Vaarsuvius: I may not have been present, but I assure you that I did not miss it at all.
Durkon: I'm shocked ye left yer dark cave ta come see us.
(D): I'm shocked you left your dark cave to come see us.
Vaarsuvius: Your astonishment can be retracted, then, for I have ventured above deck simply to release my aerial couriers.
Durkon: Lien's safe, na thanks ta ye.
(D): Lien's safe, no thanks to you.
Vaarsuvius: Proof once again that my tactical assessment of the situation was accurate and my services were not required. And now, you will see that indeed, these last few hours have been most fruitful: Vaarsuvius' Greater Animal Messenger! There! We need now only wait, either hours or days while those three enchanted birds unerringly seek out Miss Starshine, the halfling, and the late Sir Greenhilt. Their voyage cannot be deterred by any abjuration or illusion, I have seen to that. They shall fly directly toward the recipient and, once within five feet of them, vocally recite a message I taught them earlier. Once they have spoken their missive they will wait patiently while the target dictates a return communiqué before taking to the wing once more and flying swiftly back to my presence.
Durkon: V, ye really must listen ta me. This ain't healthy fer ye anymore. Ye need ta stop-
(D): V, you really must listen to me. This isn't healthy for you anymore. You need to stop-
Vaarsuvius: Scoff at my unending diligence if you must, but while you have engaged in foolishness du jour, my magic has, at long last, unraveled the problem of our long separation from our allies. Truly, my intellect has once again sliced through the metaphorical knot of our obstacles in order to-

Spoiler: Strip 564

Show

It's What's For Dinner
Haley, Belkar, Celia, Polly, Magic Mouth

Haley: Darn, that's tasty. Belkar, what did you season this with?
Belkar: Just a little pepper. That's the natural flavor.
Haley: Well, if you see any more of those birds, let me know. We should eat this good every night. You're sure you don't want any, Celia? There's plenty left.
Celia: Vegetarian.
Haley: Ah. Right. That makes sense.
Belkar: More meat for Mr. Scruffy, then. He's a stone-cold carnivore.
Celia: Doesn't anyone think it's odd that tropical birds were flying around in this climate.
Haley: Have you ever read an encounter table? Nothing surprises me anymore.
Belkar: I once fought 1d3 dire camels in a swamp. No joke.
Haley: And wait, how do you know that the birds were tropical? You barely know about humans at all.
Celia: I'm an air creature, I've had a lot of bird friends.
<flashback>
Celia: I'm here for you, but you need to admit that you have a problem.
Polly: squawk! Polly wants a cracker!
Celia: Damn it, Polly, you can't solve all your problems with saltines!!
<end flashback>
Haley: Yeah, well, after a few months of nothing but rice and the occasional piece of fruit, a little roasted poultry is too good to pass up.
Belkar: Don't look a gift parrot in the beak, I always say.
Haley: AHHHH! I am so stupid!!!! So, SO stupid!!
Belkar: Well I wasn't going to be the one to say it, but...
Haley: “A gift horse in the mouth”... I can't believe I didn't think of this before!!
Celia: What is it, Haley? Is it about the parrots?
Haley: What? No, it's not about the stupid parrots, Celia. Forget the parrots, they're completely irrelevant. This is about where we're headed. Pack everything on the Corpse Cart, I'm turning it around.
Belkar: WHAT? Oh, do NOT tell me we're going back to that awful city.
Haley: We're not. But we don't need to go all the way to Cliffport, either. We already know a cleric in the area. We just need to head southwest rather than southeast, and cut through the underbrush-
<cutaway>
Magic Mouth: -while rare, require immediate clerical attention. Statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Potion Administration. Services are not intended to diagnose or treat any disease or curse.

Spoiler: Strip 565

Show

The Test of the Memory
Roy, Roy's Archon, Eugene, Haley, Celia, Belkar, Red Guy, Green Guy

Roy: So, does my gnome automatically disbelieve his own illusions?
Roy’s Archon: I'm not sure... Yeah, OK.
Roy: OK, then I peek through the keyhole and cast an illusion of a door directly on the other side of the actual door. Then, I open the real door, quiety as I can. Since I don't believe the illusion of the door I just cast, I should be able to see into the room freely- -while whatever monster is in the room sees a door.
Roy’s Archon: Nice plan... Except as you open the door, you see that this particular door has a hook on the other side, from which a wineskin hangs. Since you didn't take that into account in your illusion, the ogre in the room is now eyeing your illusory door suspiciously, wondering where his mead just went.
Roy: Ah, crap. OK, I reach into my pack and pull out my-
Eugene: What in the Blue Box blazes is going on here?!?
Roy: My gnome illusionist is about to try and escape from an ogre, not that it's any of your business.
Eugene: Gnome illusionist, eh? Awww, it's so cute that deep down, you still want to be just like dear old Dad.
Roy: Yeah, short, wrinkled, and superfluous. Oh! You meant the illusions.
Eugene: Well stick a pin in your busman's holiday, Son. The redhead is headed to the Oracle.
Roy: So what? I mean, good for her, there's nothing I can do about it. Unless... Maybe the Oracle can see me when I'm down there as a ghost. I wonder if she's gotten to the Oracle's tower yet.
Roy’s Archon: I guess we'll pick this up next session.
<cutaway>
Celia: Wow, that butterscotch pudding golem was REALLY tough! So what is the Test of the Mind going to be like?
Haley: I'm not sure. For some reason, I can't really remember what exactly hap-
Belkar: Watch the cart, Mr. Scruffy.
<sign text> RIGHT. LEFT.
Red Guy: Left path! Left path!
Green guy: We do want as much trouble as possible!
Celia: Huh, I wonder what that was all about...
Haley: Beats me.
Green Guy: I totally could've kicked her ass if I'd wanted to, you know.
Red Guy: You're an idiot.
Green Guy: You're not.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 566 to 582
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 566

Show

One for the FAQ
Roy, Oracle, Celia, Belkar

Roy: Hey! Oracle! Can you hear me? Helloooooo? ... Are you not ABLE to hear me, or are you just ignoring me? Yo mama's so fat, they use a grapefruit for her miniature. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even see her feats. Yo mama's so fat, her Speed is listed as, “Hell no!” ...Crap, he can't hear me.
Oracle: Hey, look, return customers. Aren't I lucky? No. No, I am not.
Celia: Wait, the Oracle is a kobold? I thought you guys said he was a halfling.
Belkar: He WAS a halfling!
Oracle: Yeah, yeah, there's a memory charm on the entire valley that makes you forget everything except your specific questions and answers, and your mind fills in the missing details later, blah blah blah. But since everyone else can just look back through the archives, why don't we cut the recap and get on with it?
Haley: Our leader, Roy, is dead.
Oracle: As the metaphorical doornail.
Haley: His body is in a cart outside. We want you to raise him from the dead. Just tell me how much it'll cost, and we'll go earn the gold.
Oracle: Oh, I see. Yeah, this sort of mix up happens all the time. I'm not a cleric.
Haley: You're not?
Oracle: I'm what you would call, “naturally gifted.” The Dragon Queen has blessed me with visions of the future without requiring me to earn a bunch of cleric class levels first. It's sort of like getting an honorary Ph.D.
Roy: Sounds more like your mom making you vice president of the family company right after you finish college.
Celia: How exactly do your future visions work, then?
Oracle: Pixie dust.
Celia: Actually, I'm pretty familiar with pixies, and I don't think-
Oracle: Kobold dust.
Celia: Oh.
Oracle: So yeah, I have as much chance of bringing back your leader as I do of scoring with Grendel's hot mom.
Haley: Darn it! I was sure we'd be able to get Roy raised here.
Celia: Well, hold on. We can still ask him questions, can't we?
Haley: Oh, right! Like, “How can we contact Durkon?”
Celia: Or, “Where is the nearest Good-aligned cleric who can ressurect Roy?”
Belkar: Or, “What strip clubs won't kick you out if your hands 'slip' during a lap dance?” What? I can't help you save the world if some bouncer breaks both my arms, can I? I'm thinking of the team first here!

Spoiler: Strip 567

Show

The Simplest Explanation
Oracle, Haley, Belkar, Celia, Roy

Oracle: OK, so let me just get in my oracular trance thingie...
Haley: Great! We have just enough for three questions.
Belkar: Nah, you know what? Don't bother, Haley. Save your money. This guy's answers aren't worth a copper piece.
Oracle: Excuse me? I'll have you know my answers come with a money-back guarentee.
Belkar: Yeah? Then get the assistant manager out here, I want a refund.
Oracle: And I want to play center for the Toronto Raptors, but we're both out of luck, Cueball. Your prophecy has already been fulfilled.
Beklar: What?! That's ridiculous! I didn't get to kill ANT of those people.
Celia: What, Belkar, what did you ask?
Belkar: I asked whether I would kill Roy, Miko, Miko's horse, Vaarsuvius, or the oracle. And all he said was, “yes”. It was completely useless, and definitely hasn't come true yet.
Oracle: On the contrary, my dimwitted friend. You caused the death of Roy.
Celia: What?!
Oracle: It's true.
Haley: Uh, no. Xykon killed Roy. I saw it myself.
Roy: Yeah, I know the difference between a dagger and a rock when it goes through my skull!
Oracle: No, it was the fall from the zombie dragon that killed him. And Belkar gave Roy his Ring of Jumping +20, which allowed him to leap onto the back of the dragon in the first place. He caused that fall to be possible; without the ring, Roy would've faced Xykon on solid ground.
Belkar: So you're saying that Roy wouldn't have died if he had fought Xykon on the ground?
Oracle: What? No, don't be dense. If Roy had found a way to duel Xykon on the ground, he probably would've died anyway. Dude is frickin' scary. But at least then, there wouldn't have been a direct link between your little side wager with the thief and your leader's demise.
Roy: Wager? You BET on my life??
Celia: I'm sorry, but that's a stretch. Giving someone a ring is not the same as killing them!
Oracle: Objection overruled, Counselor. Never said he “killed” Roy, just that he “caused the death” of him. Which is what the idiot technically asked me that day. And like any effect, that splat had many causes, such as gravity, the geological composition of the Southern Lands, a butterfly flapping its tiny wings somewhere, and an alarming deficit of jetpacks. And, I might add, your own lack of information about your boytoy's physical capabilities. Well, beyond those capabilities that were necessary for him to throw you down on the-
Celia: HEY!
Roy: HEY!
Belkar: That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
Oracle: I know, you mammals are disgusting when you mate.
Belkar: No, I mean saying that I caused Roy's death. That doesn't count.
Oracle: OK, OK, fine. How about this one then: You also caused the death of the paladin, Miko Miyazaki.
Haley: Miko's dead?
Roy: Huh.
Belkar: And so, the lives of the reasonable and pragmatic were once again safe. But what does that have to do with me?
Oracle: Everything, really. She became convinced that the Order of the Stick was evil largely because they rallied to defend YOU in Lord Shojo's throne room. This led her to conclude that you were working with Xykon, which in turn led her to believe that Shojo was working with Xykon. This directly led her to killing Shojo, being imprisoned and dying when the castle exploded.
Belkar: That's even dumber than the first one!!
Haley: Yeah, I mean, not that I wanted Belkar to kill anyone, but those are both pretty lame interpretations.
Oracle: You caused the death of her horse, too. If we choose to define “death” as our spirit being trapped in the Afterlife, then when you-
Belkar: You weasely little piece of dragon crap, that's not what I meant and you KNOW it!!
Oracle: And as for the elf-
Belkar: Just shut up!! Wait, you know what? Never mind. He's convinced me, my prophecy HAS come true.
Haley: Are you sure? Because I think you have a pretty strong case for that refund.
Belkar: Oh, I'm positive.
<sfx> shthlunk!
Oracle: Yeah... I wasn't really buying those theories either... Worth a shot tho...

Spoiler: Strip 568

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A Sign That You Have a Problem
Haley, Belkar, Celia

Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: What? He totally had it coming. Now hold his feet, I want to turn his head into a litter box for Mr. Scruffy.
Haley: I cannot believe you! I just cannot BELIEVE you!
Belkar: Really? Because the whole kobold-head-into-an-object thing is sort of a running gag with me.
Haley: You killed the Oracle!
Belkar: Yeah, so? He was a kobold! You told me it was OK to kill monsters!
Haley: We were gonna get answers! Answers that may have led to getting Roy back!
Belkar: Answers that would have been obscure and useless!
Haley: The one he gave me wasn't! He told me not to look the gift horse in the mouth, which I did when I accepted Nale's invitation to dinner without examing my suspicions too closely. That directly lead to me getting my voice back!
Belkar: Yeah, but who really cares about your inner turmoil crap anyway? People tune in to watch me stab things.
Haley: I swear, I'm going to-
Belkar: Oh, don't get your thong in a twist, Haley. Come on, we can search for treasure. All that meaty character development hasn't made you stop loving treasure, has it?
Haley: Fine. But only because we still need money to get Roy raised. Don't think you're off the hook for this yet.
Belkar: Yeah, yeah.
Celia: Actually, I don't think he's off the hook at all. Take a look out the back window.
<sign text> Welcome to the village of LICKMYORANGBALLSHALFLING. Founded: Last week. Pop.: Just enough. "No, seriously, give 'em a good once-over!"
Belkar: I don't get it. What does that - mean? AAAAHHHHH!

Spoiler: Strip 569

Show

Justice Can Be A Messy Business
Illusory Lord Shojo, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Celia

Illusory Lord Shojo: Hello. This is the giant illusory head of Lord Shojo speaking.
Belkar: Nnnnnh!!!!
Illusion of Lord Shojo: If you're seeing this implanted message, you have violated the terms of your Greater Mark of Justice- -because you inflicted lethal damage within the bounds on a city, town, or village, strayed more than one mile from Roy, or cheesed Roy off enough for him to say the magic command word.
Roy: Well, I guess I can finally stop worrying about accidentally saying the word “squiddley-doodlefluffer” in casual conversation.
Illusory Lord Shojo: The designated curse will now take into effect. Sucks to be you, I guess.
Belkar: Ugh... That scaly oracular bastard set me up! Being a litter box is too good for his head! Actually, you know... that pain was pretty bad, but this isn't too horrible. Just sort of a low-grade headache. I can't believe I was so worried about the- *BLERRRGH* Ugh... OK, that was disgusting, but still, not really all that- *BLUUUURPGCH!* *HnhFLERRRGH!* *hurrAGG!* ... *huuurrrAAAGG!* OK...OK, that has to be all that's in my stomach, so the worst of it is over.
Haley: See?!? This is what you get for killing someone who-
Belkar: *BLURRRRG!*
Haley: Hey!
Celia: And that's what you get for not reigning him in earlier. If you had properly punished him when he killed that poor gnome-
Belkar: *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *HNORRRRRRF!*
Celia: Aaah!! Oh gods, my mouth was open!! Oh gods! I'm gonna be sick!
Haley: How about we put a moratorium on, “I told you so's,” if only for our own protection?
Belkar: Unnnh....
Roy: I've never been so happy to be incorporeal.

Spoiler: Strip 570

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Clean Slate
Belkar, Celia, Haley

Belkar: Wait, Haley, where are you going? There's still treasure in the tower!
Haley: Booby-trapped Oracle treasure? No thanks.
Celia: I count ourselves lucky that he didn't rig the washroom to explode. And that Haley carries a lot of clothes that she doesn't wear.
Haley: We're leaving. Probably to Cliffport like we planned.
Belkar: Well wait up, I need to ride in the cart. I can barely stand.
Haley: Sorry. The cart is full.
Belkar: Huh? There's as much room as there was when we got here.
Haley: The cart. Is. Full. You're not coming with us, Belkar. Stay here, or go somewhere else, I don't care. I already told you I was only keeping you around because you were useful, and your usefullness is now as lost as your lunch.
Belkar: What, because I'm puking? Puh-lease. I bet a cleric can fix this without breaking a sweat.
Haley: No, not because you're puking, Belkar, because you killed someone we needed! Even if you stopped vomiting right no, it wouldn't change the fact that I can't count on you! You've been on the fence between asset and liability for a while, and you just dove headfirst down the liability side. Since I don't think you're in any shape to force me to take you, this is where we part company. You're out. As official acting leader of the Order of the Stick, I hereby revoke your membership. I only wish we had ID cards so I could tear yours up.
Celia: Well, it's about time that you-
Haley: Celia, it would really behoove you to shut the hell up right now.
Celia: ... Yeah, OK.
Belkar: No, wait, listen! I just need a ride into Greysky City! It's on the way!
Haley: No.
Belkar: Come on! Just a ride, you owe me that much!
Haley: I don't owe you anything, Belkar.
Belkar: Haley? Haley, you can't-
<sign text> You are now leaving SUNKEN VALLEY Don't come again.
Haley: Huh.
Celia: What just happened?
Haley: I don't know.
Celia: How did we get turned around?
Haley: Or change clothes?
Belkar: ...Guys, I do not feel good for some reason...
Haley: Well, Roy's still dead... and I don't remember any questions being answered.
Celia: Maybe she wasn't home? ...So we showered?
Haley: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Sort of.
Belkar: *BLAARGF*
Celia: Oh, Belkar! Gross.
Belkar: I really don't feel good...
Haley: Come on, then, get in the cart. It's a long trip to Cliffport, you'll just slow us down walking on foot.
Belkar: Ohhhhh, and my head hurts too...
Haley: Yeah, OK, we get it, you're sick. Quit your whining. What a wuss. Could you imagine how much he'd complain if he ever activated his Mark of Justice?
Celia: Ha! He'd probably cry.

Spoiler: Strip 571

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Return Engagement
Roy, Oracle, Lizardfolk 1, Lizardfolk 2

Roy: Goddamn it, this is such a waste. I swear, when I get physical hands back, I am going to take that little runt and- What the-?
Lizardfolk 1: -port!
Lizardfolk 2: My word, we've arrived not a moment too soon, I see.
Lizardfolk 1: Quite! Shall we get on with the word at hand, Brother?
Lizardfolk 2: Indeed. Raise Dead!
Oracle: *gasp!*
Roy: Hey! Over here! Pick me!
Oracle: Oh, man! That one stung a bit. I think he dulls his daggers, so they hurt more going in.
Lizardfolk 2: Welcome back, sir.
Oracle: Good to be back, guys. Sorry about the mess, I should have remembered to tell you to wear galoshes...
Lizardfolk 1: Are we still scheduled to raise you again on March 26, 1187?
Oracle: Yup, 3:10 pm. And be ready for a Resurrection spell next time... it's gonna be this big druid guy who's gonna chew me up into tiny pieces when I tell him him yes, his wide is cheating on him, and the other man is his animal companion. Turns out that giving enhanced intelligence to a critter who is literally hung like a bear doesn't always work out the way you'd expect.
Lizardfolk 2: And with that, we must retire. Good day!
Oracle: Say hello to your boss for me!
Lizardfolk 1: We shall. Tele-
Roy: Stupid minor NPC can get raised and I can't...
<sfx> POP!
Oracle: Well, looks like I better start getting that Expert level back. XP don't earn itself, my mama always said. -who may have been a bit portly as a result of a glandular condition, but at least she didn't whore up the whole afterlife when she died.
Roy: Hey, my mother- YOU CAN HEAR ME??
Oracle: Yes, so you don't have to yell. Geez.

Spoiler: Strip 572

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The Resistance of Memory
Oracle, Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: Why didn't you say something earlier?!? I could have told Haley where to find Durkon!
Oracle: Gosh, I don't know... is it because I don't like you? You dangled me out of a window! Plus your furry-footed friend just made me his temporary magic dagger repository.
Roy: I think I'm going to have to take exception to the word “friend”. More like, “unfortunate responsibility” or “lodestone”.
Oracle: At any rate, your pal isn't long for this world, so I saw no reason not to have my fun where I could. I almost named the village, “Shouldacheckdamap” but I thought it was funnier to work blue.
Roy: Not long for this world? What are you saying?
Oracle: The same thing I said last time you were here, only you forgot. Here, you want it on record? Belkar will draw his last breath-ever-before the end of the year. That's an “in-comic” year, not a real-time year, Oracle fans!
Roy: Huh?
Oracle: Don't worry about it. There, that was on the house, so you can remember it. You'll forget everything else once you pass through the Memory Charm. Now scurry home to your cloud, Casper, before I banish you. I have an important client flying in and I don't want a dead mammal messing it up.
Roy: You're not a cleric, Scaly. You can't banish me if you tried.
Oracle: True, I'm not a cleric...but ain't it funny how I always seem to have just the right magic item here in my robe? Dismissal!
Roy: Ah-
<cutaway>
Roy: -crap. I was hoping I might be able to glean some more info by listening to other people's prophecies, since that's the only part I won't... ...forget. The Dismissal must have bypassed the Memory Charm, and the kobold didn't bother to look into the future to make sure! I remember everything! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
Eugene: Good, then you can tell me what page it says you don't die until -10 hp.
Roy’s Archon: I already told you, in this edition, that's an optional rule that we're not using! You're dead at 0 hp!
Eugene: Well that's a stupid rule and they should change it!
Roy’s Archon: They did!

Spoiler: Strip 573

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Slumber Party
Haley, Celia, Belkar

Haley: ..so the Boots of Speed were totally powerful, but they were, like, lime green.
Celia: With your skin tone? Pass!
Haley: Exactly! Ha ha ha!
Celia: Ha ha ha!
Haley: Hey, you know, why were we arguing so much before this last week?
Celia: Yeah, I mean, I don't know why we kept snipping at each other, we have so-
Belkar: Unnnnnnhh.....
Celia: Oh, right. Him.
Haley: Well, when we get to Cliffport, if he hasn't managed to shake off the flu that he caught, we can get a Remove Disease.
Celia: Yeah. Although you know, there IS a city right down that cliff...
Haley: Celia, I've told you a dozen times, we're not going into that place.
Celia: But why not?
Haley: Because it's a bad idea.
Celia: Why?
Haley: Because it just is, OK? Trust me. In all likelihood, there won't be any clerics there anyway, at least not any interested in helping Roy. Or Belkar, for that matter. It's a dangerous place where people get killed for having gold in their pockets. Not everywhere on this plane is Happy Fun Sunshine Land, you know. Now try to get some sleep. I went through a lot of trouble to find a secluded spot where we wouldn't be seen.
Celia: *sigh* OK. Good night. Sorry, Haley. He's my boyfriend, not yours. If there's even a chance of finding clerics down there, I need to look for them. You'll get over it when he's alive again.
<sign text> GREYSKY CITY. 1 MILE.
Belkar: Be very quiet, Mr. Scruffy! If we make any noise, the magical Cart Fairy might not take us on the enchanted trip to Happy Fun Sunshine Land!

Spoiler: Strip 574

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A Seller's Market
Celia, Human

Celia: I don't know what Haley was so worried about... there's hardly even anyone here! Oooo! Excuse me! I can't help but notice that you're dragging a human carcass down the middle of main street.
Human: ...What's yer point?
Celia: Well, I'm a visitor to your fine city with a problem. My boyfriend died; I have his remains here in the cart. I was just wondering if you could possibly let me know where you were taking...uh...
Human: M'brother.
Celia: Your brother.
Human: Takin' 'im ta dat Grubwiggler guy.
Celia: Is that a...cleric...of some kind?
Human: Dunno. Maybe. But 'e dumps these here flyers all ov'r town. Figured ah'd solve mah problem an' get a little scratch fer m'trouble, know whud ahm sayin'?
Celia: “Scratch?”
<flyer text> GOT CORPSE? Any condition! Come to Hieronymus Grubwiggler's and watch your dead body problem get up and walk out of your life! DISCRETE - NO QUESTIONS ASKED. $$$$ TOP DOLLAR. 13 Darkmo-
Celia: Perfect! Although it does say “Top dollar.” I just hope he doesn't charge more than we have... If you're headed there now, just lead the way and I'll follow.
Human: 'Mkay.
Celia: So, how long ago did your brother pass?
Human: Let's see... Well, ah found 'im trying ta pick tha lock on mah shed around dusk, so... a few hours, ah reckon.
Celia: You- are you the one who stabbed him???
Human: Yup. That's why ah need ta get tha body ov'r ta Grubwiggler pronto. Mah wife said this won't work at all-
Celia: Oh my gods...
Celia: <thinking> He's so wracked with guilt over what he did in the heat of the moment that he's bringing his brother for resurrection!
Human: -but if it does, ah'm thinkin' of bringin' her tomorrow night.

Spoiler: Strip 575

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I Think They're in One of the Rulebooks, Right?
Celia, Hieronymus Grubwiggler, Belkar, Giro

Grubwiggler: Hello, hello, hello! I am Hieronymus Grubwiggler! How may I be of service to you, my lovely lady?
Celia: Uh, hi. So, I saw your flyer, and I have my boyfriend's body in the cart, and-
Grubwiggler: Ah, the two of you had a little tiff, did you?
Celia: What? No, I had nothing to do with it.
Grubwiggler: Oh, naturally. No matter, let's take a look.
Belkar: Awww! The fairy saw us! Now we'll never learn the secret of flying from the Happy Sunshine Pixies!
Celia: Belkar?!? What are you doing here?
Grubwiggler: Huh. Well, I'll give you 10gp for the skeleton, 30 for the halfling. And 5 silver for the cat, if it's not declawed.
Celia: What? No! They're not for sale!
Belkar: Not for less than 50 gp and a carafe of piping hot tea!
Celia: Look, the halfling is delirious, ignore him. I'm trying to get the skeleton-uh, my boyfriend, Roy-back up on his feet again.
Grubwiggler: Oh, I see! You're looking to hire me for a commission job. You pay me, I cast the spells, and you walk away with your dead boyfriend behind you, is that it? Well, it's not my usual line of business, but I see no reason not to make an exception for a fine female specimen such as yourself.
Celia: Uh, thanks, I think.
Belkar: Thank you, Froggie Man!
Grubwigger: Just remove all of his clothing and equipment and bring the body up the stairs and inside. My fee will be 20,000 gold pieces.
Celia: Geez, that's a bit steep, but I guess I can't exactly shop around. I wonder if he has a payment plan option? Ugh, this was a lot more fun last time I did it...
Belkar: I'm a centaur.
Grubwiggler: Alright, Miss, now if you'll just five the body to my assistant Giro, we-
Celia: Oh my gods! Look at this place! It's like you got your furnishings from Hate & Barrel! I know this was fishy! You're going to try to turn Roy into some kind of undead monstrosity, aren't you??
Grubwiggler: What? No! I swear by all the gods that I have no intent of creating undead!
Celia: Don't lie to me, I'm totally using Sense Motive on you!
Grubwiggler: I promise, no undead. Vile, loathsome things, I would never create or use them.
Celia: ...OK, then. Just... be careful with him.
Grubwiggler: Now you just wait there while Giro and I prepare “Roy” to live again. Looks a bit sparse for a flesh golem...
Giro: We do have some formula mixed for a bone golem, Master.
Grubwiggler: Bone golem it is, then.

Spoiler: Strip 576

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Construction Workers
Grubwiggler, Celia, Belkar

Grubwiggler: Excellent! Tonight's storm is right on schedule. Roker shall see one more sunrise.
Celia: Well, this contract is a little archaic, but it seems pretty standard.
Grubwigger: Now we need only wait for lightning to strike the-
Celia: I'm kinda in a hurry.
Grubwiggler: Ah, see? The eleven secret herbs and reagents are already working! The spells have been cast, now we need only wait, and...
Celia: Wait a minute, what exactly is the “product of envivication” and why are there one... two... three pages dealing with it?
Grubwiggler: It's alive! ALIVE!!!
Celia: What the hell did you do to him?? You said no undead!!
Grubwiggler: And indeed, he is not undead-he's a construct, bones animated by an earth elemental spirit bound under my control. Which I guess technically makes my statement of, “It's alive,” innacurate, but I just love saying that. Once you remit my fee, we'll select a PIN code you can use to command the golem.
Celia: I'm not paying you, you monster! Look what you did to my boyfriend!! Plus, I didn't sign anything and I never actually agreed to your verbal contract.
Grubwiggler: Well, in that case, allow me to show you a portfolio of my previous work in the field of golems. Restrain the sylph!
Celia: AAAHHH!
Belkar: Look, Mr. Scruffy, Herman Munster is trying to hurt the Cart Fairy! We better get over there and- *BLUURRRGGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!*
Grubwigger: ...I'm adding my janitorial bill to what you owe me for the golem.
Belkar: *BLFRRRG!*
Celia: I'm sorry, I can't hear you due to the overwhelming emotional damages that I'm sure any jury will recognize.

Spoiler: Strip 577

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You Can Take the Rogue Out of the City...
Grubwiggler, Celia, Golem, Haley, Giro

Celia: Look, I'm sure we can come to an equitable agreement.
Grubwiggler: Perhaps. Would you be interested in barter?
Celia: At this point? Absolutely! What do you want to trade?
Grubwiggler: Well, I'm always in the market for raw materials... you have no idea how wasteful making golems can be. I mean, sure, I try my best to practice sustainable wizardry, but it takes six bodies to make a single golem! So I'll make you a deal: I'll void your debt to me in return for that lovely body of yours.
Celia: What? Are you nuts?? What do I care about a debt if I'm dead?!?
Grubwiggler: Well, your heirs won't have to pay it. Golem, squeeze her until she has made good on her bill, one way or the-
Haley: SAP SNEAK ATTACK!
<sfx> WHUNK!
Celia: Haley! Help! Unnnh!
<sfx> squeeze...
Haley: Hold on, I'm looking for my alchemist's fire.
Celia: hurry!
Haley: I should really get one of those handy haversacks. Found it!
<sfx> keesh!
Golem: Raaarrrgh!
Giro: Stop right-
Haley: Oh, you want to try your luck, Lumpy? I took down both your pals, but hey, maybe the third time's the charm.
Celia: <whispering> Haley, I don't think you took down the golem... more like just slowed it down a little.
Haley: <whispering> Hey, you're the one who's against killing, here. It's what adventuring professionals call “a bluff”, so just keep standing in his line of sight.
Giro: OK, OK! Don't hurt me, please!
Haley: Smart man...toad-...whatever. On the floor and don't move.
Giro: I'm not even a real hunchback! I stuffed my hump to get this job!
Haley: Darn it, the door must have locked behind me. No time to pick it before Grubby wakes up, we're going out the front.
Celia: Door? How did you get in here, anyway?
Haley: There's a secret passage from the sewers, up through the dungeon. I woke up when the rain-
Celia: Wait, how the heck did you know there was a secret passage in this castle?
Haley: Hmmm? Oh, I've robbed this castle twice before.
Celia: Twice??
Haley: I grew up in this town.
Celia: Oh. And what's in the giant sack?
Haley: Like I said, “Third time's the charm.”

Spoiler: Strip 578

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A Slick Getaway
Giro, Haley, Celia, Belkar

Giro: Golems! Kill those two women and the halfling!
Haley: See? SEE? THIS is why we kill the bad guys when we get the chance!
Celia: Don't worry, Haley. Now that my hands are free, I can blast them all. They're not really alive, so it's OK to-
Haley: What? No, Celia, wait, electricity-
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Haley: -heals flesh golems.
Celia: Wait, is that one actually moving FASTER than it was a moment ago?
Haley: They're immune to almost all magic AND sneak attacks. Geez, don't they teach you anything?
Celia: No, Haley, the weak points of monsters that have been stitched together from the flesh of the dead are not part of the standard law school curriculum.
Haley: Well gosh, that's a pretty good argument for listening to me when I tell you something, wouldn't you-
Celia: Sorry, Haley, can't listen right now, I need to get something. Hello? It's me, Celia. Are you in there? ... Can you hear me? AAAHHH! OK, so that's “Yes,” on the second question, “No,” on the first.
Haley: What the heck is she trying to do? I swear, I have no idea what goes through her-
Belkar: Look! A giant girl leprechaun! Let's find the end of the rainbow, Mr. Scruffy! I bet they have Skittles(R)!
Haley: Ooof!! Belkar, I can't see where we're- Crap. Belkar, get off me!
Belkar: Hello, magic scarecrows! You sure are getting closer, aren't you?
Haley: Celia! Celia, open the door! CELIA! Open the door!
Celia: But I need to find a way-
Haley: Forget it! I need that door open or we- Belkar! Off!-or we're gonna be golem chow!
Celia: But-
Belkar: Wheeeee!
Haley: CELIA!!!
Celia: OK, OK, you're the leader.
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Belkar: I can fly!
<sfx> WHUNK!
Haley: Turn around donkey! No, no, the other way!
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Giro: No! Golems! Stop! I can't afford to have my pay docked for any more of you!
Haley: OK, now, giddyup! Go! Go! Go!
Belkar: Goodbye, Happy Fun Sunshine Land! Thanks for everything! I'll miss you most of all, scarecrows!
Celia: Haley, I... I am so sorry for sneaking off and going into-
Haley: Celia, don't worry about it. I've certainly snuck away from the rest of the part once or twice. I mean, no real harm done, and we earned enough gold to pay for Roy here to be-
<sfx> rattle! rattle!
Haley: Celia... Why isn't Roy in the cart?
Belkar: Now I'm a unicorn!

Spoiler: Strip 579

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What they need is a Writ of Habeas Corpus
Celia, Haley, Belkar, Bozzok

Haley: YOU LOST ROY'S BODY?!?
Celia: No! I know exactly where it is!
Haley: Why didn't you tell me about the golem when we were inside??
Celia: Because you told me to forget it and come help you! You seemed like you knew what was going on!
Belkar: Hey, I think my head is starting to clear...
Haley: How was I supposed to know what had happened to Roy, Celia?
Celia: I don't know, you're always telling me that you know more than I do about this stuff, I figured you could just tell by looking or something. You're always expecting ME to know things I would have no way of learning...
Haley: Darn it, Celia, the ONE TIME you actually listen to me... How can you be so smart and still be such an...an AIRHEAD!
Celia: HEY! There's no need for racial slurs!
Haley: What were you possibly thinking, bringing Roy's body to Grubwiggler?
Celia: I was thinking we could get this whole thing finished quicker, so Roy would be OK and I could get back to school, where I actually understand what's going on.
Belkar: What IS going on?
Haley: Well, you were right, we're finished. We can't raise Roy without his body, not without a 17th-level cleric and a heaping cartload of diamonds. And I'm not even sure there ARE any 17th-level clerics in the world!
Belkar: Oooo! I bet Redcloak is 17th level!
Haley: Not helping! OK, OK, just let me think... Grubby always keeps the windows and doors sealed with words. The secret passage was clear-but the hunchback saw me try the door to that, so that'll be sealed by now, too. The front door is wide open, but there about a dozen flesh golems which the three of us have no change to beat. At least, no alone. If we could get a little more power... OK, here's the plan: We keep heading towards Cliffport. We trade in the donkey and cart for a fast horse, and we can be there in a few days. Once there, we use the money I just swiped to hire mercenaries to help us raid the castle, grab the corpse, and escape.
Celia: What about Belkar? He still can't travel more than a mile from Roy's body.
Haley: Darn it! I forgot about that. I guess we need to abandon him for now. We can pick him up when we return.
Celia: I'm not leaving him behind.
Haley: ...What?
Celia: We can use him as an alarm. If Grubwiggler sell's Roy's golem to a customer, Belkar's Mark of Justice will activate when they try to leave the area and then we might be able to catch them.
Haley: Oh! Oh, man... you had me there for a second! I thought you actually-
Celia: -cared about Belkar at all? Eww, good gods, no.
Belkar: Yeah, that would have just been weird...
Haley: Either way, we need to get off the streets, now that the rain has stopped.
Celia: Haley, if you grew up here, shouldn't there be some people you know here that could help up?
<cutaway>
Haley: <voiceover> You don't understand... The fact that there are some people I know here is the reason we need to get off the streets.
<sign text> THEIVES' GUILD. No soliciting.
Buzzok: Mr. Grubwiggler! Good to see you. How may we be of service this fine evening?

Spoiler: Strip 580

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Hey, I Need to Sell Them Somehow
Grubwiggler, Bozzok, Crystal, Hank

Grubwiggler: This is outrageous!
Buzzok: Now, now, Mr. Grubwiggler, calm down.
Crystal: Yeah, take a chill pill, Froggy-Man. No one yells at the boss like that and gets to keep both lungs.
Grubwiggler: Bozzok, I pay your Thieve's Guild a ludicrous sum each month for your “protection” from theft, and yet I was robbed just an hour ago.
Buzzok: What was stolen?
Grubwiggler: 50,000 gp and some magic items. And a sylph whose body was mine.
Crystal: She must have been one ugly sylph.
Buzzok: Hank, are we liable for this?
Hank: He does have our Five-Star Protection contract, Boss. That includes lost item recovery.
Buzzok: Damn. OK, we'll get right on this, Mr. Grubwiggler. We'll get your stuff back pronto, and I personally guarantee that Crystal here will have her dagger buried in the thief's throat by, say, next Monday.
Grubwiggler: Well, that's hardly reassuring, considering that it was one of YOUR thieves that did this!
Crystal: HEY! Our thieves are only allowed to steal from the people that our thieves are allowed to steal from!
Buzzok: My employee's circular logic not withstanding, she is correct. We do NOT steal from clients under our protection. Bad for business.
Hank: Plus, WAY too much paperwork.
Grubwiggler: I have evidence to the contrary. My assistant recognized the burglar-the same thief who robbed us twice before, about two years ago. Don't you remember? That's how you... persuaded me... to accept your guild's protection in the first place.
Buzzok: That's not possible, those robberies were done by- Wait. This thief, was she human, mid-20's, fair skin? With a longbow? One strand of red hair out of her ponytail no matter which direction she's facing?
Grubwiggler: Yes, that's her!
Crystal: No way!
Buzzok: Thank you very much, we'll get back to you.
Grubwiggler: But what about-
Buzzok: Thank you, come again! Starshine is back in town.
Hank: Huh. I really thought that girl had a better Wisdom score than that.
Crystal: Do I get to kill her this time? Do I? Do I? Do I, please? Pretty please?
Buzzok: I was willing to not press the issue of her untimely resignation from our organization as long as she maintained her self-imposed exile from our dim city... ...but if she's going to have the gall to come back here and commit thefts on my turf? And leave witnesses that can identify her? Yeah, Crystal. You get to kill her this time. How what that? Did I cover everything from our first appearance?
Hank: Let's see... you threatened to kill her if she left the guild...she left anyway to become an adventurer...yeah, I think you hit the highlights. Though you did leave out what I consider to be some important context...
Crystal: Eww! Why would anyone want to watch Starshine take a bath?
Hank: ...Important sexy context.
<book text> Order of the Stick. On the Origin of PCs. By Rich Burlew.

Spoiler: Strip 581

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A Sight for Sore Eyes
Crystal, Haley, Celia, Jenny, Belkar, Old Blind Pete, Elan, Therkla

Crystal: <singing> I get to kill Haaaaaley! I get to kill Haaaaaley!
<sfx> skip! skip! skip!
Haley: Crap! That's her, that's Crystal.
Celia: THAT'S the assassin you're so afraid of?
Haley: She may be as dumb as a used tanglefoot bag and have a terrible fashion sense, but she's pretty deadly with that funky sword.
Celia: But you've been adventuring ever since you left this city, you must have gained a few levels on her by now.
Haley: Celia, she's a persona rival. She's ALWAYS gonna be the same level as I am when we meet, if not higher.
<flashback>
Crystal: Sweet! Starshine gained another level!
Jenny: Damn it! I really need to pick a fight with a PC one of these days...
<end flashback>
Haley: Besides, it's not just her... Bozzok has the whole guild out looking for me. Although on the plus side, I guess that Cloister effect you told me about will keep his Arcane Trickster from scrying for me. Come on, I have an idea where we can hide.
Celia: What about the donkey and cart?
Haley: Leave 'em. I already stashed Roy's stuff in my Bag of Holding, and they didn't belong to us anyway.
Belkar: Awww, man! I got yelled at for that cart! Now where am I going to ride?
<sfx> Knock knock!
Blind Pete: Who is it?
Haley: Old Blind Pete? It's me-
Blind Pete: No, Old Blind Pete it's ME. Who are YOU?
Haley: It's me, Haley. Haley Starshine.
Blind Pete: ...Ian and Mia's girl?
Haley: That's right. I'm in trouble.
Blind Pete: Are you pregnant?
Haley: What? No! Bozzok wants me dead.
Blind Pete: Why, is he the father?
Haley: NO! Gross! He wants to make an example out of me because I left the guild.
Blind Pete: In that case, you better come in, girl. This town could use a few less of Bozzok's “examples” in my opinion.
Haley: Thanks, Pete. I knew I could count on you. Oh, and these are my friends, Celia and Belkar.
Blind Pete: Is one of them shaking two giant sheets of cellophane?
Celia: Oh, that's me, I guess. I have wings.
Blind Pete: *sniff! sniff!* And is the other some sort of magically-animated public urinal?
Belkar: I'm having a bad week, OK?
<sfx> Knock knock knock knock!
Crystal: Petey! Get your butt out here!
Haley: That's Crystal!
Blind Pete: Hide, I'll find a way to throw her off your trail.
Crystal: Have you seen Haley Starshine?
Blind Pete: No.
Crystal: OK, thanks!
Celia: She, uh... she does know that you're blind, right?
Blind Pete: Crystal never lets what she knows get in the way of her job, heh.
Haley: It won't be long before someone with a little more brains comes around, though. Pete, do you still have that safe room in the cellar?
Blind Pete: Safest in the city. Soundproof, scryproof, ethereal-proof, detect-proof, and totally foolproof. And I've been keeping my moonshine down there, so these days, it's 160-proof! Ha ha ha ha ha! Best part is, the guild still doesn't know I've got it. Come on, I'll show it to you.
Celia: So, I take it you're not on good terms with this “Thieves' Guild,” either?
Blind Pete: Let me put it this way: I used to be known as “Eagle-Eyed Pete” before Bozzok caught me selling guild secrets to his rivals. A word of advice: If you're going to do business with criminals, don't pick a nickname based on any body part you can't afford to lose. *sigh* I shoulda listened to Appendix Steve when he tried to warn me.
Celia: That's terrible! Can't you get your eyes healed?
Blind Pete: Tried it once. Got a local cleric of Loki to cast Regenerate on 'em, cost me a fortune. But don't you know, I'm halfway to Anywhere when Crystal jumps me and pokes 'em both out again. The whole thing was a huge waste of money, thank you very much.
Haley: Wait, Pete- I thought all the clerics of Loki were in the guild's pocket?
Blind Pete: They are, 'cept for this one, who's a dear childhood friend of mine. A childhood friend who remembers that Old Blind Pete's gold glitters as well as anyone else's, ha ha ha!
Haley: Good. Great, even. We need a cleric in the worst way, and our gold glitters pretty well, too.
Belkar: She polishes it.
Blind Pete: I'll get a message to him in the morning, then.
Haley: Perfect, we'll bunk here for the night. Thanks again, Pete.
Celia: So...what? We're just going to stand around and wait?
Haley: Well, I intend to lie around, but yes. A good thief knows when the heat it on, it's best to either lie low or skip town, and we can't skip town.
Celia: Shouldn't we be, I don't know, making plans?
Belkar: My intestines have a plan: Find the bathroom, A.S.A.P.
Haley: I'm much better at making plans when I've slept more than two hours. We'll plan in the morning, after we talk to Pete's cleric friend.
Celia: But can't we-
Haley: Celia, shush! Try to get some rest. We're lucky to have a place to sleep safely tonight. I'm sure wherever Elan is, he's facing threads far more treacherous than a night wasted in a warm bed.
<cutaway>
Elan: I got your note.
Therkla: Did you come alone?
Elan: Yes.

Spoiler: Strip 582

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Moonlight Rendezvous
Therkla, Elan

Elan: So what's the secret mission, Ninja Girl? Is there an evil supervillian secretly plotting nefarious crimes against the whole fleet?
Therkla: Yeah, you could say that, I guess. I'm sorta faced with a tough choice here. My employer has given me a direct order that I really don't like...and I have to decide whether I should obey it anyway. I mean, he's been so kind to me for all these years, and given me a place where I fit in, which I've never had because-
Elan: Because you're the last survivor of the doomed planet, Ninjon?
Therkla: -because I'm a half-orc.
Elan: Right, that too.
Therkla: On the other hand...well...I know we don't know each other THAT well, but we've had fun teaming up against monsters, and I think we have a lot in common. And you're like, REALLY good-looking. Like, Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, “No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,” fantasy material. And, well...I really like you, and I want to be your girlfriend.
Elan: You...like me?
Therkla: Yeah.
Elan: You mean you LIKE-like me?
Therkla: Yes, I LIKE-like you.
Elan: Therkla, I...I already have a girlfriend.
Therkla: What? What are you talking about? I've been watching you for months, you don't have a girlfriend.
Elan: She's no here. We got separated back in Azure City, and we haven't seen each other since. But my friend Vaarsuvius is looking for her, and-
Therkla: So, she might no even be alive, then?
Elan: She's not dead.
Therkla: But you don't really know-
Elan: She is not dead.
Therkla: OK, fine, she's not dead, but she's not here, either. I am. Look, I'm not asking for much. if she shows up someday, I'll step aside. I just want to be yours, even for a little while. I want to feel your arms around me, even if I know that they'll be around her tomorrow.
Elan: I'm sorry, you seem really cool and you're sorta cute and you've got the whole superheroine thing working... But I'm in love with Haley. I just don't think it could work out between us. Or, we could get a slice of pizza sometime. How's Friday? Pick you up at eight?

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 583 to 599
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
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Spoiler: Strip 583

Show

Love's Sweet Sting
Qarr, Therkla, Elan, Hinjo, Lien, Durkon, Azurite Soldier

Qarr: Aaahh!
<sfx> schluckt!
Elan: Aaaah!!
Qarr: What are you doing?!? I set you up for the perfect flank!
Therkla: You stay away from him, Qarr! Don't you touch him!
Qarr: What? Listen, I don't pretend to understand all those squishy little hormones running around in your bastardized half-breed blood, but he just shut you down hard. Face it, Underbite, your crush if officially of the unrequited variety. So can we please all get on the same page here and complete our mission to kill him? I mean, let's hurry this up. I'm missing the Olympics.
Elan: Kill me?
Therkla: What? No, Elan, it's not like that! I was-
Qarr: Ordered by our master to lure you here alone and kill you, so that we can assassinate Hinjo without your interference.
Elan: Don't worry, Therkla. I've been through a scene exactly like this before. I know he's lying to try to turn me against you. You won't succeed, imp! You're not nearly as important an antagonist as my brother was! I bet your team doesn't even have a real name!
Therkla: Actually, it's completely true.
Elan: Huh?
Therkla: Our master DID order us to lure you here and kill you. I was just hoping... I was hoping you could be my boyfriend instead.
Elan: You know...just 'cause I can't be your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to kill me.
Therkla: ...It doesn't?
Elan: I'm sure Hinjo could find a job for the amazing Ninja Girl.
Therkla: In that case, Qarr, I quit!
Qarr: You treacherous little bitch, I will-
<sfx> whiff! schluckt!
Azurite Soldier: Oww!
Therkla: Did that tree...
Qarr: ...just say, “Oww”?
Azurite Soldier: Crap.
Hinjo: OK, everyone freeze! Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air.
Lien: Make one false move, imp, and I will smite you so hard you'll see little demonic birds.
Elan: Oh man! Durkon is right! The trees ARE after us!!
Durkon: See? Tha's wha I been tryin' ta say all along!
(D): See? That's what I've been trying to say all along!

Spoiler: Strip 584

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Improbable Causes
Hinjo, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Therkla, Lien, Qarr, Detective Olivia Benson, Detective John Munch, Detective Elliot Stabler, Pit Fiend

Hinjo: OK, Vaarsuvius, you better drop the illusion now.
Elan: Hey, I know someone back on our boat named Vaarsuvius too! Neat!
Vaarsuvius: Much to my displeasure, no such person exists on the vessel in question at this point in time. Dismiss Veil!
Hinjo: You are under arrest for two counts of Conspiracy to Commit Murder and one count of Consorting with Devils.
Therkla: Hinjo?!? Elan, I said to come alone! You set me up!
Elan: What? No! I didn't! I didn't know anything!
Vaarsuvius: I will gladly corroborate; he does not, in fact, know anything. At all.
Lien: You can blame me, if you'd like. After your little puppet show on the orc island, it was pretty easy for me to put two and two together. Contrary to popular opinion, Good is not always dumb.
Qarr: Hey, stay back with that spear!
Lien: Actually, it was your...uh...distinctive speech pattern...that made me suspicious.
Elan: <whispering>It's OK, Lien, you can say that it's his red and black speech balloon.
Lien: OK, fine, his red-and-black speech balloon. Your voice was the one that implied that you had used Charm Monster many times, which fit in with the unusual aquatic humanoid attacks that the fleet had been suffering. And the ninja had come out of the same hut. It seemed likely that the two of you were plotting against the fleet. So, given the ninja's attraction to Elan-
Therkla: How did you know about that?!?
Lien: Uh, I have eyes? Good, not dumb. Anyway, given that, we kept a close eye on Elan, waiting for you make contact.
Elan: Why didn't you tell me anything about it, though?
Lien: Because we wanted it to work! Seriously, how many times do I need to go over the “Good, not dumb,” thing?
Hinjo: Lien, please take this woman into custody.
Lien: With pleasure.
Elan: Wait, you don't have to do that! She wants to join the Good Guys now.
Hinjo: Elan, it doesn't work like that. She can't just tell us she's going to put on a White Hat and expect us to let her go.
Elan: What if she told you who her master was? That always works on “Law & Order: Special Encounters Unit”.
<cutaway>
Detective John Munch: We've got a situation, people. Guy's walking through open plains, and BOOM! He rolls a 00 on the Encounter Table.
Detective Olivia Benson: “Roll twice and combine”? That poor bastard.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Eh, he brought it on himself.
<cutback>
Hinjo: I imagine we might be able to work out some sort of reduced sentence.
Therkla: Wait a minute, who said I was willing to name names? I'm a half-orc, not a half-narc.
Hinjo: It's OK, we already know that Daimyo Kubota is your master, we just need you to confirm it before the magistrate.
Therkla: So he can be hanged for treason? Quitting is one thing, selling out a man who has been my mentor for years is another. Forget it. I may not have a lot of honor left, but I can do that for him, at least.
Hinjo: Take her away, then.
Lien: What about you, imp? Anything to say before we send you back to Hell. ...Hey, imp! I'm talking to you!
Vaarsuvius: He will not answer. He is obviously in a summoning trance.
Lien: Summoning?? Can we stop it?
Vaarsuvius: Your concern is a waste of effort, I have been monitoring his futile attempt. I estimate no greater than a 10% chance of him being able to call on another devil.
Elan: Oh, OK. Whew!
Vaarsuvius: Further, even were he successful, the majority of devils that might respond are well within an acceptable range of difficulty for the forces we have arranged here. Frankly, I relish the opportunity to garner a few experience points in such a conflict. The chance of him summoning a devil that would actually put us in mortal danger is infinitesimally low.
Elan: Like, a one-in-a-million chance???
Vaarsuvius: Well, not precisely, but the chances are certainly in the vicinity of-
Elan: TAKE COVER!!!
<sfx> pop!
Pit Fiend: RAAAWWRRR!!!
Lien: Twelve Gods...
Elan: A 10% chance is pretty unlikely, but everyone knows that a one-in-a-million chance is a sure thing!
Vaarsuvius: *sigh* And once again, Probability proves itself willing to sneak into a back alley and service Drama as would a copper-piece harlot.

Spoiler: Strip 585

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Immaterial Components
Pit Fiend, Qarr, Lien, Durkon, Elan, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius

Pit Fiend: WHO DARES TO-Oh, hey, Qarr. What's up?
Qarr: No time for small talk, I'm calling in my marker. I want all mortals on this island dead.
Pit Fiend: Aww, c'mon. Taking combat orders from an imp is just embarrassing!
Qarr: Oh? More embarrassing than, say, throwing a future service marker into the pot when you were only holding a pair of Jacks?
Pit Fiend: I though you were bluffing!
Qarr: I had three Kings showing.
Pit Fiend: ...I thought you were bluffing REALLY well.
Qarr: Look, they're already down there bluffing themselves with fancy enchantments and abjurations and whatnot, so stop whining and go kill them all.
Pit Fiend: *sigh* OK, fine, fine.
Qarr: Good. Your presence here opens up a few possibilities that I need to go act on.
<sxf> pop!
Lien: What exactly IS that thing? Besides big, red, and angry?
Durkon: Mass Bear's Endurance.
Elan: Really? It seems less “angry” and more... “mildly put out”.
Hinjo: Vaarsuvius, do you have any idea how we can-
Vaarsuvius: Yes.
Hinjo: V, wait!
Vaarsuvius: Hear my voice, interloping cretin. I have little time to give over to your defeat, as this entire scenario is a tragic waste of my precious research time. Therefore, I will simply banish you. If you are familiar with the Banishment spell, you will note that the spell is more powerful if the caster presents something that the target “hates, fears, or otherwise opposes”. As such, I present only with my Common Sense, which your ludicrous stature clearly defies. As it is certainly a rare commodity on this world, I imagine it will be doubly effective.
<sfx> WHOMP! THUNK!
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, ye daft fool! Ye coulda gotten yerself killed tryin' ta fight it alone.
(D): Vaarsuvius, you daft fool! You could've gotten yourself killed trying to fight it alone.
Elan: I was sorta hoping the hit would knock you out. I mean, at least then you would get some rest.
Vaarsuvius: Remain here while I ascertain how it feels about unwanted advice and misguided chastisements. If it is at all like myself, both of you may yet prove integral to its eventual banishment.

Spoiler: Strip 586

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No Encounter is an Island Unto Itself
Therkla, Azurite Soldier, Elan, Kazumi, Daigo

Therkla: Sorry if this hurts. I'm a little rusty on NOT killing people, but I'm doing my best.
Azurite Soldier: *gasp!*
<sfx> nuts!
Elan: Aww, man, Therkla! Therkla, stop! Where are you going?
Therkla: Elan! I need your help. I need to get off this island. You came in a row boat, right?
Elan: Therkla, listen: If you help us, maybe Hinjo will, like, pardon you or something.
Therkla: Yeah, I know. I thought of that, too.
Elan: You did? Then why are you running away?
Therkla: Look at that thing, Elan! What am I going to do against THAT? My sword isn't sharp enough to give it a pedicure, much less seriously injure it.
Elan: Yeah, I know what you mean... it didn't even HEAR the great pun I made on the word “thaumaturgy” last round...
Therkla: Besides, I'm not running AWAY from the devil, I'm running TOWARD the fleet.
Elan: Oh, I get it! ... Wait, no, I don't.
Therkla: Our plan has always been to place Ku-uh, our master-on the throne. But he's not actually directly in line. So there's two parts to the plan: Kill Lord Hinjo before he can sire an heir, and then convince the Council of Nobles to elect our master as the new Lord. That big devil means that Qarr has pinned down our primary target-Hinjo-AND our secondary targets-you guys, the Order of the Stick. So Qarr is going to order an attack on our tertiary targets, to maximize our chances of winning the council vote. We can row this boat faster than I can swim, which might let us get there before-
Elan: Tertiary targets? Wait, I'm confused, who are the tertiary targets?
<cutaway>
Kazumi: Ooof! The baby's really kicking a lot tonight.
Daigo: I guess Mommy's got her own little monk in there, doesn't she?

Spoiler: Strip 587

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What to Expect When You're Expecting Assassins
Kazumi, Daigo, Ninja 1, Ninja 2, Ninja 3, Ninja 4

Kazumi: Hey honey, can you get me a sandwich? We're starving.
Daigo: Of course, dear. What would you like on it?
Kazumi: Peanut butter, pepperoni, and pickles.
Daigo: Ewww! Do you really crave that?
Kazumi: No, it sounds disgusting. But this article in “Stereotyped Pregnancies Monthly” says that's what I should be eating.
Daigo: OK, well, I'll see what we have left in the galley. I just hope I don't miss all the kicking while I'm-
<Sfx> WHUNK!! THUNK!!
Ninja: Wow, that was easy.
Ninja 1: Yeah, I sort of expected him to put up a fight. He was in the army, you know.
Ninja 2: Guess we just slit everyone's throats, burn their bodies and call it a night.
Kazumi: What the- what's going on? Who are you? What did you do to my husband?
Ninja 1: He's just knocked out-for now. Don't worry, you're about to join him.
Kazumi: Sorry to disappoint.
<sfx> FOOMF!
Kazumi: Turns out I get knocked up easier than I get knocked out.
<sfx> sklurtch!
Kazumi: You stupid pieces of @#!%. I was in the army, too, and I didn't forget four years of training the moment my egg's perimeter was breached. You think just because I can't see my feet right now that I can't put one of them up your cowardly ninja asses? Please. So what are the rest of you spineless mother%$@ers waiting for? I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!
<sfx> sklurtch! klang!
Ninja 3: Aww, she really has that pregnant glow, doesn't she?
Ninja 4: I think that's the potion.

Spoiler: Strip 588

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His Name Probably Helps, Too
Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Lien, Lord Shojo, Pit Fiend

Hinjo: Vaarsuvius, I need you to fly me up to-
Vaarsuvius: I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for some sort of aerial livery service. It is for the protection of your people that I am engaging this titanic fiend, so it would behoove you to stop attempting to direct my efforts elsewhere. Empowered Lightning Bolt. Since it is clear that only the arcane arts have any hope of thwarting this opponent, I am the lone individual qualified to judge what is the most effective disposition of my amply magical talents. Quickened Magic Missile.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods, that elf is starting to get on my nerves.
Durkon: Jus' now? Yer runnin' six months behind tha rest o' us.
(D): Just now? You're running six months behind the rest of us.
Hinjo: I know I can hurt this thing, if only I could reach something other than it's ankles!
Durkon: Sit on me head.
(D): Sit on my head.
Hinjo: ... What?
Durkon: Sit on me head.
(D): Sit on my head.
Hinjo: Uh, Durkon, I don't think this is really the time or place for-
Durkon: Lad, I don't haf time ta explain! Jus' do it!
(D): Lad, I don't have time to explain! Just do it!
Hinjo: OK, well, this is sort of awkward. How does this-
Durkon: Thor's Might!
Hinjo: Whoa!! Hey, now this is more what I had in mind! Argent!
Pit Fiend: RRAAAAWWRR!!
Hinjo: Smite Evil!!
Lien: Great job, sir. But how were you able to hurt it? My spear has barely scratched its skin.
Hinjo: Devils hate silver. This is my silvered katana: I have a cold iron one, too. And as for Argent's bite... well, let's just say that we have my late uncle to thank for that.
<flashback>
Shojo: Look, I'm sorry he needs his teeth filled, but it's not my fault! You said it was OK to feed him table scraps while you were gone!
Hinjo: A 20-lb. tub of strawberry cake frosting does not qualify as a “table scrap”!
Shojo: Then you obviously haven't been eating at the right tables!

Spoiler: Strip 589

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Entrance Qualifications
Kazumi, Daigo, Ninja, Kubota, Therkla, Elan, Samurai 1, Samurai 2

Ninja: Please don't hurt me! I have children, too!
Kazumi: Yeah? Did you go through half a year of hemorrhoids to get them? Turn around and I'll show you exactly what that feels like.
Daigo: Unnnh... Kazumi! I'm coming, my love! I'll save you from-
<sfx> WHACK!
Daigo: Ooof!
Kazumi: Kubota?!? What the hell are YOU doing here?
Kubota: Why, I come to render assistance, naturally. I heard the sounds of battle from my ship and have come to aid two of my fellow nobles in defending themselves from this mysterious and untraceable ninja attack. Sadly, it is well-known among the general public that I am not much of a swordsman, so no one will be surprised that my efforts were in vain. Naturally, I intend to sustain a serious (but not life-threatening) injury in my heroic-if ultimately futile-effort to defend you. Make sure it's not on my face, incidentally.
Samurai 1: You go it, Boss. Drop the swords, Fatty.
Kazumi: Unnnh!
Samurai 2: Heh heh, “Fatty”.
Kubota: My samurai will “drive away” the ninja, but not before the Kato bloodline is excised.
<sfx> SLAM!
Daigo: First of all, my wife is a delicate flower who just happens to be with child. Second of all, stay the hell away from my family, Kubota, or you'll have to answer to me, Daigo Da-
<sfx> WHACK!
Therkla: Daimyo Kubota, please, stop!
Samurai 2: Oh, hey, Therkla.
Kubota: Therkla, my dear. How deeply disappointing. I see that Qarr's assessment of your loyalty has sadly proven accurate.
Therkla: No, you don't understand, I just want-
<sfx> KEEYSH!
Elan: The jig is up, Kubota! Surrender now!
Therkla: Elan, I left the door open for you, you know.
Elan: Right, that's why I had to go around and find another way to crash dramatically into the scene. Don't worry, you're new at this, it's an easy mistake to make.
Daigo: Why do I have glass in my face?

Spoiler: Strip 590

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Role Reversal
Therkla, Elan, Kubota, Daigo, Kazumi

Therkla: Please, Daimyo, I don't want to see you get arrested-or killed! Hinjo knows all about your plans to seize power.
Kubota: Oh? Ratted me out to save your own skin, did you?
Elan: Are we rolling initiative? I thought we were rolling initiative. Are we?
Therkla: No, I didn't say anything. He already knew.
Kubota: Bah! He knows nothing. He may suspect, but he can't prove it.
Elan: He knows that he can prove that he suspects, and that's enough for me!
Therkla: Look, Daimyo, this plan isn't going to work. Abandon it now, and you can still hold on to your current position.
Elan: Yeah, give up now and you can... ...get away with everything you've done so far? I thought we were racing to STOP Kubota!
Therkla: We are. We're stopping him from making a huge mistake that will cost him his career.
Elan: Huh. I was getting more of a “stop him from ever threatening anyone ever again” vibe from it.
Therkla: Well, that too, I guess.
Kubota: Your new boyfriend doesn't seem to agree with your priorities.
Therkla: What? No, uh, he's-
Elan: Oh, I'm not her boyfriend. We're just good friends. I'm in a long-distances, no-communications relationship.
Kubota: Twelve Gods, woman! I mentored you in villainous Best Practices for years now, and you didn't even have the decency to betray me for a man who at least just PRETENDED to love you?
Therkla: I'm not “betraying” anyone, OK? No one!! I don't want anyone to get hurt here-not you, not Elan, not the Katos. So just take the guys and go back to the ship. We can sort the rest out later.
Elan: We can't just let him walk away! He's the bad guy! He needs to go to jail!
Kubota: Oddly enough, I concur, at least with the part about not walking away. I have no intention of giving up before the final outcome is decided. Tell me, bard: You are a man with an appreciation for the theatrical. The hero, along with their fair companion, arrives at the climactic confrontation with the villain after months of intrigue. Given that the villain is physically weaker, what would be the villain's next step? If we were going by tradition?
Elan: Well... Generally, the villain would suddenly take the girl hostage and force the hero to choose between thwarting his plans, or rescuing her.
Kubota: Again, I concur. Take him.
Elan: HEY!
Therkla: Well, my former protégé? The choice is yours.
Elan: Awwww, man! I didn't know *I* was gonna be the girl!
Daigo: Yeah, it's a big day for gender equality all around.
Kazumi: Mmmph! Mmpher fnnfer nf fnna frrr fff!

Spoiler: Strip 591

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Antipathy for the Devil
Lien, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Pit Fiend, Elan, Samurai 1, Samurai 2

Lien: DURKON! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead, please don't be dead... There, at least I can do something useful. I might as well have taken Weapon Focus: Toothpick for all the good my attacks are doing. Lay On Hands.
Durkon: Thank ye, lass. How's Hinjo's attack going?
(D):Thank you, lass. How's Hinjo's attack going?
Lien: Well...
<sfx> SLASH!! poof!
Hinjo: HEY! No one hurts my dog!!
Lien: ...but not as well as could be hoped.
Durkon: Aye.
Vaarsuvius: It would seem that this foul creature has weathered the brunt of my direct damage spells without so much as a mild inconvenience. I believe I must attempt a more unpredictable evocation if I am to defeat it. But first, I must “prepare the battlefield,” as they say. Crushing Despair!
Pit Fiend: Geez. What am I doing with my life? Taking orders from an imp? All the guys I went to high school with have gone on to be men of wealth and taste. Just leave me alone.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius! Come down 'ere an' let me heal ye! Ye look so crappy, I cannae even tell how hurt ye are!
(D): Vaarsuvius! Come down here and let me heal you! You look so crappy I can't even tell how hurt ye are!
Vaarsuvius: I do not require your succor at this time. If you are intent on assisting, what I really require is a spell that will further lower this fiend's saving throws, as Crushing Despair does. Unless you do not really have an interest in actually vanquishing this foe and would rather just tell me what I should do.
Durkon: Grrrr...ye damned arrogant piece of...I got yer spell right 'ere, yer lucky I dinnae shove it up yer delicate elven- Bestow Curse!
(D): Grrrr... you damned arrogant piece of...I got your spell right here, you're lucky I don't shove it up your delicate elven- Bestow Curse!
Pit Fiend: Great, now I'm cursed. Mom was right, I am an embarrassment.
Vaarsuvius: Your capacity for maternal disappointment has only just begun to reach its maximum potential. Prismatic Spray!
Lien: Wow, I can't believe you actually turned it to stone...
Durkon: Aye, well, ye got lucky. Tha were a foolish risk. Och. Now I'm startin' ta get worried.
(D): Aye, well, you got lucky. That was a foolish risk. Oh. Now I'm starting to get worried.
Lien: You mean because the ninja escaped, Elan is missing, and the vile little imp has teleported to who-knows-where?
Durkon: Och, aye... But I mean I'm worried 'cause V just passed up a perfect opport'nity ta say, “I told ye so.”
(D): Oh, aye... But I mean I'm worried because V just passed up a perfect opportunity to say, "I told you so."
<cutaway>
Elan: Dunh dunh DUNNNNNH!
Samurai 1: Why'd he do that?
Samurai 2: Maybe you're squeezing him too hard?

Spoiler: Strip 592

Show

Stuck in the Middle
Kubota, Elan, Therkla

Kubota: What will it be, Therkla? Turn on me, and your would-be lover dies. Stay with me, and you may resume your position as my right hand.
Elan: Hey, let me go, and I'll show you a position with my right hand that I think will sum up her decision.
Kubota: Really, my dear, you're a smart girl. I don't understand your loyalty to this buffoon.
Elan: Huh. That's what I was about to say. He doesn't care about you, Therkla. To him, you're just another disposable ninja mook.
Kubota: And to him you are yet another female villain to seduce to the side of Good. He'll forget you when the next femme fatale comes around.
Elan: And he'll sacrifice you when the next opportunity to get ahead comes around!
Kubota: He'll-
Therkla: SHUT UP!
Elan: But-
Therkla: Both of you! I'm not choosing anyone! I don't know what this is so damn hard for everyone to understand. All I want is for everyone I care about to stay alive and safe. Why do I have to pick one of you to suffer?
Elan: Because he's a villain! He needs to be punished!
Kubota: Because he's a hero! He needs to be eliminated!
Therkla: Well TOO BAD! I am so sick of Good Guys and Bad Guys. I don't care who wins anymore! I don't care who rules Azure City-there isn't even a city left to rule! Everyone is just fighting for meaningless titles and nonexistent territories and...and...and their inflated egos! You want me to make a choice? Here's my choice. Kubota, you are going back to your ship.
Elan: HA!
Therkla: You are going to contact all your allies, and you are all going to turn and sail away. You're going to go found your own city, or conquer someone else's. I don't care.
Therkla: And Elan, you agree to go back to Hinjo and use your persuasive abilities to convince him to just let them go.
Elan: But he tried to kill-
Therkla: Shush! And that's it. We split into two kingdoms, and everyone lives happily ever after. Or else.
Kubota: Or else, what?
Therkla: Or else I remind you that I'm the highest-level character on your payroll by killing both your samurai before they can even blink. Really, I don't know what you were thinking with this “hostage” thing, sir. You know these guys can't stop me.
Kubota: I'm sorry, my dear,. But ruling over a few ships or some ragamuffin town simply will not do, not when Hinjo may already be dead.
Therkla: Well then... I guess I would rather see you both alive-and one of you in prison-than either one of you dead. So...
<sfx> KATUNK! SHTICK! THUNK!
Elan: Ha! Looks like I'm the hostage with the most-age!
<sfx> schlurt!
Therkla: Now come on, you know you can't fight us alone. Surrender, and we can-
<sfx> skritch!
Therkla: OWWW!!
Kubota: Why take the bard hostage? Because I thought it might give me a round or two where your attention was elsewhere.
Therkla: What was that? A needle?
Kubota: I may be a lousy swordsman, but I can still make a touch attack with a poisoned ring - if my target is otherwise occupied by, say, rescuing the man she loves from evil samurai.
Kubota: It's the sort of preparations one makes when one is told that the highest-level character on one's payroll has defected to the enemy.
Therkla: Unnnnhhhh....
Elan: THERKLA!
Kubota: Now, let's see, Elan... I believe you recently expressed interest in wanting to face the “hero's choice” yourself? I think an appointment just opened up for you.

Spoiler: Strip 593

Show

Another Choice
Kubota, Elan, Therkla, Kazumi, Daigo, Lien, Durkon

Elan: Give me the antitoxin! I know you have one!
<sfx> dink!
Kubota: Twelve Gods, why would I be carrying the antitoxin on my actual person? I drank it twenty minutes ago, it will be effective for the rest of the hour. Now, Elan, here is YOUR choice: I am going to retreat to my boat, to await the outcome of this evening's events. You can follow me and arrest me, if you wish, catching me “red-handed” on Hinjo's ship. But you should know that I am wearing +5 armor, not to mention a small fortune in other magical armor-increasing items, and I have confidence that judicious application of the Total Defense action-
<sfx> woosh!
Kubota: -will allow me to delay you from landing a hit on me, for the 10 rounds- oh, make that 9 rounds- it will take for the fair Therkla to expire. Or, you can tend to her, and possibly save her life- -knowing that I will have time to clean up whatever loose ends might possibly incriminate me, should Hinjo live. I'm quite good at that sort of thing, you know. Anyway, the choice-as is traditional-is yours.
Therkla: Unnnh... I should have known he's have a plan like this when he suggested that Great Fortitude was a bad feat for me to take... I thought he was just trying to help optimize my build.
Elan: Come on, Therkla, forget him. We're gonna find a way to save you.
Therkla: “Find a way”? Isn't Neutralize Poison a bard spell?
Elan: Yeah, but not one that I ever learned! Daigo!
Daigo: I'll go after Kubota!
Elan: NO! You'll just get poisoned, too. Run down to Durkon's cabin and see if you can find an antitoxin, or a potion, or anything that can help.
Daigo: Here, honey, you can help me look.
Kazumi: Baby, my top speed is “Waddle,” I'll just slow you down, I have a better idea that'll put all those breathing exercises to good use. DURKON!!! *gasp* *gasp* DURRKONNN!!!
<cutaway>
Durkon: Wait...Did ye just 'ear sumthin'?
(D): Wait...Did you just hear something?
Lien: No. Come on, we need to keep searching the island. The ninja may have gotten the drop on Elan.
Durkon: Aye, lass, OK.
<cutback>
Elan: Here, drink this potion of Heroism, it'll give you a bonus to your save. I just hope it'll be enough.
Therkla: Elan... Elan, wait. I need to say... something... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I screwed everything up. I shoulda just... just stuck with you and attacked Kubota right away. I tried to have it both ways...to keep both you and him safe...but I should know by now... I should know that I'm not even allowed to have it ONE way. Not how my life works.
Elan: <singing> Resist, resist, resist, resist the deadly poison!
Therkla: Hey, your music is green... like me. I never noticed... It was sort of worth it though. I mean... I managed to get your arms around me, didn't I? Heh. That's all I really... all I really wanted...
Elan: Therkla? THERKLA? Therkla, listen to me. Durkon can bring you back. If you die, Durkon can raise you from the dead!
Therkla: ...Yeah? If he raises me from the dead... will you dump your girlfriend and be with me?
Elan: ...
Therkla: No thanks then... I'll take my chances that the Afterlife... ...won't have any punishment worse... ...than not being with you.

Spoiler: Strip 594

Show

Rock the Boat
Kubota, Kazumi, Elan

Kubota: Qarr? Qarr, where the hell are you? You were supposed to be my back-up in there. I had to use up my last does of Lotus Extract just to get out alive! Can you hear me? I need to know if Hinjo is dead yet!
Kazumi: Elan, wait!
<sfx> faSPLOOSH!!
Kubota: What are you doing?!? You'll sink us both, you fool!
Elan: Gosh, really? Good thing I'm not wearing any armor! This is for her. You were her captain... now you're going down with her ship.
Kubota: I surrender.
Elan: What???
Kubota: Since Hinjo seems to have survived the evening, I remit yourself to your legal custody - to await whatever charges you wish to bring against me before the magistrate.
<sfx> POW!
Kubota: Naturally, I will be pressing assault charges as well.

Spoiler: Strip 595

Show

Trial of the Century
Kubota, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Elan: I can't believe you just surrendered! That's what Therkla wanted you to do in the first place!
Kubota: True, but when she suggested it, there wasn't a high-level aide of mine who had recently died upon whom I could pin the blame. Clearly, Therkla acted alone, using her position within my house to carry out a personal vendetta against Lord Hinjo without my knowledge. I hear rumor the she even consorted with devils- and certain Northerners. I had no choice but to kill her in order of restore honor to my family name, in accordance with our traditions. It's not a perfect story, but I think I can make it fly at trial.
Elan: That's just a pack of lies! No one will ever believe that!
Kubota: You'd be surprised what people will believe when they've been stuck on a boat for months.
Elan: Yeah, well, they'll use magic to MAKE you tell the truth!
Kubota: Interesting fact: Did you know there is at least one aristocrat-friendly prestige class that grants the extraordinary ability to fool magical lie detection? You did not actually think I had gotten this far in life without clearing THAT little hurdle, did you? My trial will last a few weeks, at most, and when it is over, Hinjo will look like an out-of-touch buffoon for even bringing charges against me-a beloved pillar of the community- while his own people wasted away at sea. Now come along, bring me before your master so that we may begin the Trial of the Century.
Elan: Yeah, well, we'll see who they believe. The Katos and I will all testify against you, and then-
Vaarsuvius: Disintegrate.
<sfx> ZZZZAPP!!
Vaarsuvius: Gust of Wind. Now can we PLEASE resume saving the world?

Spoiler: Strip 596

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Convenience Story
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Illusion of Belkar

Elan: What did you DO?!?
Vaarsuvius: I saved us all from a second trial scene. I would think you would be exceedingly grateful.
Elan: *sigh* I guess- I guess it's for the best. I mean, we don't know for sure that he would've gotten away with it, but...but I guess it's for the greater good. It's not like he didn't deserve it, but... it just feels so weird, even for a jerkhead like him.
Vaarsuvius: Great elven gods, what are you blathering about?
Elan: Nothing, I was just saying that I guess Kubota got what was coming to him after all.
Vaarsuvius: What is a “kubota”?
Elan: What is-? Kubota is the guy you just zapped!
Vaarsuvius: I think then that you intend to say, “Kubota was the guy you just zapped.”
Elan: He was the one behind the ninjas and devils and stuff!
Vaarsuvius: Was he, now? I confess that I tired of those happenings some time ago and have paid them scant attention ever since.
Elan: But- but if you didn't know who he was, why did you kill him???
Vaarsuvius: Ah. Simplicity itself. Your strict adherence to dramatic convention has proven to me over the length of our association that you only bother to take captive the main villains of any encounter- such as your brother. The man I killed was bound, and you were holding the rope. I therefore deduced that he was an enemy of some sort, and therefore a valid target.
Elan: ...You executed him just because I happened to have him tied up???
Vaarsuvius: Yes, but that mustache did not do him any favors, either. As I landed on deck, I overheard him say something about his trial taking weeks-and we all know that such would translate into 20 or 30 strips of humorless drudgery, likely involving those two idiot lawyers. Not if my index finger has anything to say about it. And, as it turned out, it had quite the stirring dissertation prepared on that very subject. According to your own words, he probably deserved death anyway. Now, as I stated, I would like us to refocus our efforts on saving the world, unimpeded by any further foolishness. Starting with locating Miss Starshine and the late Sir Greenhilt.
Elan: But-he's a major noble! What am I supposed to tell Hinjo?
Vaarsuvius: What do I care? At what point exactly did I begin answering to him? Lie. Say he escaped. You are the bard around here, tell a good story.
Elan: Wow, V, you're absolutely right. It's totally cool for us to go around killing people. As long as it makes it more convenient for us, why worry? I mean, it's not as if knowing that we need to lie about it to the paladin is a good indication that it may be the wrong idea. Don't you agree?
Illusory Belkar: I honestly don't see any problem with that plan. Rock on, elf buddy!
Vaarsuvius: Your swift progress with illusions is overshadowed only by your long-overdue grasp of the basics of sarcasm.

Spoiler: Strip 597

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Threat Assessment
Illusory Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Vaarsuvius: At least when the halfling was a member of this concern, we were still accomplishing our basic goals.
Illusory Belkar: Hey, that's a good point! Rock on, self buddy!
Elan: Shut up, Illusory Belkar. Dismiss Major Image. Look, V, it's not that I mind that Kubota is dead, really. He was a total douchebag. I mean, he did murder Therkla, after all. But it's wrong to-
Vaarsuvius: At the risk of repeating myself, who is, “Therkla”?
Elan: The half-orc ninja girl? Purple outfit, green skin? You helped arrest her?
Vaarsuvius: She is dead?
Elan: Yeah.
Vaarsuvius: ...Does this mean we no longer gain XP for defeating her on the island?
Elan: What?? How can you say that about her? She was a PERSON, not a bundle of experience points! Therkla had feelings, and dreams, and...and more depth than YOU have! She was in love with me, and I couldn't do anything to keep her from dying in my arms.
Vaarsuvius: I am deeply apologetic that I cannot keep abreast of your latest romantic subplots. It must be because I am too concerned searching for your PREVIOUS paramour. You do remember Miss Starshine, do you not? Or did your tryst with the orc erase the pertinent memories?
Elan: Don't you DARE say I've forgotten about Haley! Do you have any idea what I had to do because I wouldn't give up on her?!?
Vaarsuvius: I do not know. Did you perhaps limit your affair with the NPC to oral pleasures? You know, out of respect for those still missing in action?
Elan: ... You're a horrible mean person, and I'm not going to lie for you. I'm going to tell Hinjo exactly what happened here.
Vaarsuvius: Do as you wish, though I find it odd that one who just witnessed the haste with which I will remove that which distracts me from my crucial research- -would risk becoming such a distraction one's self. Because then I might be forced to remove the distraction.
Elan: I don't get it.
Vaarsuvius: YOU are the distraction in this case. Remove the distraction, which is you. Remove YOU with haste.
Elan: ... What are you getting at?
Vaarsuvius: Oh, forget it. It would take longer to make you understand than it would to research the next spell.
Elan: Wait-are you saying that you are going to research the spell, “Haste” if I don't distract you anymore?
Vaarsuvius: Yes, that is it exactly. You have perfectly gleaned my true intentions, well done. Have a cookie.

Spoiler: Strip 598

Show

To Say a Few Words
Hinjo, Daigo, Elan

Daigo: -and then Elan came back a few minutes later, sort of upset. He picked up the half-orc girl's body and carried it out.
Hinjo: Did he say anything about what happened? Did Kubota manage to escape?
Daigo: He just said that we should tell you that he needed to speak to you, in private, as soon as we saw you.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods, this is a total mess. My gut tells me that Kubota probably just fled when his coup when belly up, but... ...I don't like guessing. Any man willing to traffic with devils to get ahead is too dangerous for us to just hope that he left. And the only person knows exactly what happened is... doing what, exactly?
Daigo: Elan didn't say, sir...
<cutaway>
Daigo: <voiceover> ...but I got the impression it was really important.
Elan: So, uh...I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here. Something about a dozen gods, but I'm not sure. Right before you died, you said you were sorry. I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that...I don't even know. That I lead you to this somehow. Even more, I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, I just-I wanted to, but... ...No, there's no excuse. It's my fault. A real hero would have saved you. Roy would have saved you. I'm not a hero...I just play one in a comic strip. I just realized that you don't know who Roy is, but he's awesome. You'd like him, he was big on loyalty and stuff. He's dead, too, so you guys have that in common. I miss him. A lot. Everything is so confusing now. Ever since we left Azure City, I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to think about what Roy would do, but... I don't know, it doesn't always work. What would Roy do about Vaarsuvius? I have no idea! I'm not smart enough to figure it out! Anyway, sorry again. You were nice, and you deserved a lot better. At least I could give you a totally kickass headstone.
<headstone text> HERE LIES THERKLA. ???? - 1184. She would have made a pretty cool girlfriend, too.

Spoiler: Strip 599

Show

Separate Ways
Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Lien, Hinjo, Qarr

Durkon: Elan, lad, thar ye are. Hinjo's been lookin' all o'er fer ye.
(D): Elan, lad, there you are. Hinjo's been looking all over for you.
Elan: Have you by any chance talked to Vaarsuvius? About anything?
Durkon: Och, I dinnae ev'n wanna 'ear aboot tha elf. I dinnae know what's gotten inta 'im. Or 'er, I've ne'er been quite sure.
(D): Oh, I don't even want to hear about the elf. I don't know what's gotten into him. Or her, I've never been quite sure.
Vaarsuvius: I am pleased to say that such concerns will no longer be yours. Not that they should have been yours in the first place. I am leaving this ship. Immediately. Up until this point, I had believed that this ship was a reasonably suitable place from which I could continue my magical studies. The events of the past evening have made it clear to me that such is not the case, for several reasons. Whatever shelters this vessel provides me are trifles compared to the sundry imbroglios into which I find myself dragged, kicking and screaming. I am thus departing, so that I might continue my research in a place as yet to be determined, but which will certainly place less restrictions, physical or otherwise, on my efforts.
Durkon: Look, I know we have big plans ta pursue wit tha gates, but we cannae ignore tha suffering o' these people when they need us.
(D): Look, I know we have big plans to pursue with the gates, but we can't ignore the suffering of these people when they need us.
Vaarsuvius: You misunderstand, as usual. While the odious intrusion of these people's pointless plebian lives into my crucial affairs is distressing, I am more certain than ever that it is primarily YOU whom I must shun.
Durkon: What?!? Yer blamin' ME 'cause YE cannae find Haley?
(D): What?!? You're blaming ME because YOU cannot find Haley?
Vaarsuvius: If the shoe fits, wear it. And in this case, the shoes in question are +5 Boots of Inaction. You and the idiot bard have become the metaphorical albatrosses around my slender elven neck, without which my magical instincts will more readily find Miss Starshine and, with luck, Sir Greenhilt. I have every confidence that removing myself from this environment will swiftly dissolve any remaining obstacles to these ends.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, at least get a good night's trance before makin' such a decision. Ye haven't tranced in months!
(D): Vaarsuvius, at least get a good night's trance before making such a decision. You haven't tranced in months!
Vaarsuvius: Trancing is not biologically required for elves. I have become far more efficient since I eliminated it from my schedule. I would not expect you to understand.
Durkon: Think aboot wha yer doin' fer one minute. I know we ain't exactly gotten on well these last months, but... but c'mon! We need ye!
(D): Think about what you're doing for one minute. I know we haven't exactly gotten on well these last months, but... but c'mon! We need you!
Vaarsuvius: And yet I see no reason why I still need ye. You.
Durkon: Elan, lad, yer tha one wit Charisma. Talk tha fool out o'it! We need ta keep tha team together!
(D): Elan, lad, you're the one with Charisma. Talk the fool out of it! We need to keep the team together!
Elan: ...
Durkon: Say sumtin'!
(D): Say something!
Elan: ... Have a nice trip.
Vaarsuvius: I believe I shall, yes.
Elan: I'm sure when you get back, Hinjo will want to speak with you. If you get what I'm saying.
Vaarsuvius: I have no intention of returning. Once I locate Miss Starshine, I might feel moved to suggest a rendezvous with the two of you at a different location... But probably not. Goodbye.
Durkon: Och. I cannar believe 'e just up an' left like that.
(D): Oh. I can't believe he just up and left like that.
Elan: I think... I think it's for the best, Durkon. ... It's probably for the best.
Hinjo: So, Elan, what is it you wanted to talk to me about? Is it about Kubota, I hope?
Elan: Kubota is dead. He... He drowned.
Hinjo: What? How??
Elan: Well... he poisoned Therkla, and then escaped on a rowboat. I ran after him, jumped on the rowboat... and he fell out. So now we can put this whole thing behind us and focus on-
Hinjo: I guess I'll send Lien and Razor down to the ocean floor to recover the body, then.
Elan: The body? Oh, uh, no, there were... piranhas. Yeah, piranhas came and devoured it.
Hinjo: Piranhas? In the ocean?
Elan: They were... uh... saltwater piranhas.
Hinjo: Well, there would still be a skeleton... I should send Lien to-
Elan: They were dire half-dragon bone-eating saltwater werepiranhas, OK??? Geez!! Enough with all the “gotcha” questions.
Lien: Sir, please don't tell me you actually believe that.
Hinjo: I don't what to believe right now. But you better head down and see what you can find anyway. Speaking of searching, any word on the imp yet?
Lien: No, sir. I've used Detect Evil to scan every inch of this ship, Kubota's ship, and the island.
Hinjo: I was afraid of that. He escaped while our attention was on Kubota and the giant devil.
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover> He could be just about anywhere by now...
Qarr: ...so I'm sorry this didn't work out, but look on the bright side: who knew you had a hidden talent for ornamenting lawns? Hang on a second... Well. Look at that. And here I thought the hardest part would be getting back aboard a ship with two paladins. Gotta run, Big Guy...Opportunity is making a Strength check to break down my door.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 600 to 614
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 600

Show

Headed Down
Roy, Horace, Sara, Eric, Roy's Archon

Horace: OK, Roy, try it one last time: Step, and swing, and-
<sfx> SHATHUNK!!
Horace: Perfect! If that had been a real caster, his spell would be messed up somethin' fierce right now.
Roy’s Archon: All these weeks of training since you returned from the Oracle, and you've managed to finally perfect the art of disrupting the spellcasting of a dummy.
Roy: Well, Xykon IS a sorcerer...
Roy’s Archon: Hmm. Point taken.
Roy: Thanks again for teaching me all these custom moves, Grandpa. It means a lot to me.
Horace: Just don't forget to spend a feat on them when you're back in the land of the living. As the song said in my day, “It don't mean a thing if you ain't paid for that swing.” Come on, I think I see your mother waiting for us downhill.
Roy: Time?
Roy’s Archon: Five minutes after the last time you asked.
Roy: Good.
Sara: Horace said you were headed back down to the clouds.
Eric: chomp! chomp!
Roy: Well, Haley should be in Cliffport by now...if she can't close the deal within a few more months, I'll come back up.
Sara: I made some of my special jambalya for you to take down.
Roy: YES! Mom-balaya! Thank you so much! I've been wanting this every day for the last three years.
Sara: Just make sure you finish it before they raise you.
Roy’s Archon: It's true, you really can't take it with you.
Sara: I love you, my little brave boy.
Roy: I love you too, Mom.
Sara: Tell your sister I love her, too.
Roy: I will.
Sara: Say hello to this Celia girl for me. Next time I see you, I expect that you'll have put a ring on her finger in a bun in her oven.
Roy: MOM!
Sara: What? It's my paradise, too, and that means I want to be able to hear the pitter-patter of little feet-or the woosh-woosh of little wings, as the case may be.
Roy: See, now, this is why I don't usually tell you about my girlfriends. I gotta go now, little buddy, but I'll be back, I promise. Hopefully not for another 80 years or so, though.
Eric: bye-bye, Roy! I luv you!
Roy: I love you too. Be good for Mommy.
<sfx> tossle!
<sign text> EMPLOYEES ONLY! Enforced by honor system.
Roy: So, I know we used the service elevator to get back up quickly, but aren't you going to get in big trouble for letting me use it again?
Roy’s Archon: Well, Archon law says that only employees are allowed to use the lift. But it also says that I need to stay with you at all times. Therefore, if I want to use the lift to come up and then back down, I guess I need to bring you with me, huh?
Roy: Wow, thanks. I can't believe you would stick your neck-uh, I mean, you would risk being disciplined just to help me.
Roy’s Archon: Hey, I saw the size of that rift over Azure City, too. I figure, we all have to pitch in if the good guys are going to win this thing, don't we? I can't do much, but I can do this. An angry phone call from Heavenly Resources is a small price to pay to help save the world.
<sfx> bing!
Horace: I'll ride down with you.
Roy: Thanks, Grandpa.
Roy’s Archon: Can one of you people with fingers push the button with the cloud on it?
<sfx> bing! bing! wrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Horace: Hey, I bet everyone was expecting a big battle for strip #600, eh? Ha HA!
Roy: Heh, yeah. Funny thing. We, uh, we actually made that exact joke, five hundred strips ago.
Horace: Oh?
Roy: Yeah. What are the odds?
Horace: I didn't know, 'cause I'm up there in-
Roy: Oh! No, of course. I mean, how could you have known?
Horace: Right.
Roy: Exactly.
<sfx> munch! munch!

Spoiler: Strip 601

Show

She Obviously Doesn’t Have the Endurance Feet
Horace, Roy, Eugene, Roy’s Archon

Horace: -and that’s why I’ve never been prouder than I am right now.
Roy: Thanks, Grandpa. I’ll put everything I’ve learned to good use.
Horace: I know you will. Good luck. …Eugene.
Eugene: Father.
Roy’s Archon: Wow, I think I took 10d6 cold damage floating between the two of you.
Eugene: I have nothing to say to my father.
Roy: Neither do I, yet you keep showing up. Since you’re here, care to fill me in on how the ground game is going?
Eugene: Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I was able to conjure some books that might help you come to terms with the bad news.
<book text> Promethean: The Created
<book text> Frankenstein
<book text> I, Robot
<book text> Everything you always wanted to know about your dead body being used to make a bone golem* *but were afraid to ask.
Roy: Either you’re trying to tell me that my body was turned into a golem, or…actually, I can’t think of any other possible interpretation.
Eugene: Look on the bright side: You’re mindless, good at hitting things, and you do what a wizard tells you to do. You’re finally the perfect fighter!
Roy: OK…OK, not ideal. But if they can destroy the golem, I’m pretty sure they can resurrect me from the leftover bones. So really, we’re just a few combat encounters further away than we were – encounters that will give them valuable XP toward when we face Xykon. So it’s all good.
Eugene: Uh, hello? Your skeleton is serving as a butler in Toad Hall! How can you be so damn calm?!?
Roy: Well I’m not exactly making a Perform (jig) check over here, Dad, but it’s not nearly as big an obstacle as being dead in the first place, is it? I’m sure Haley and Celia are working on a plan to retrieve my body and get me raised.
Eugene: Then maybe you can tell me why they’ve been sitting around in Greysky City for eight days instead of continuing north to Cliffport.
Roy: Obviously I don’t know, Dad. I’ve been up on the mountain since they left the Sunken Valley. But they are both smart and I trust them, so I’m sure Greysky City is a critical step in that plan.
Eugene: Ahem.
Roy: OK, but there’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they’ve braided each other’s hair. Maybe they’re preparing for battle and oh my gods, is she giving herself a pedicure?? How back can your calluses be, girl, you FLY most of the time?!?

Spoiler: Strip 602

Show

Clerical Temp
Celia, Haley, Belkar, Roy, Pete, Greysky Priest, Bozzok

Celia: I am so BORED!
Haley: Here, braid my hair again. That’ll kill twenty minutes.
Belkar: Uhh…I think my small intestines are trying to declare independence…
Celia: I’m starting to think your friend Pete doesn’t actually know a cleric.
Haley: No, Pete knows just about everyone, but these things take time. The entire church is in the Guild’s pocket, he has to keep things on the Q.T.
Roy: Hello, girls. Since I know you can’t see or hear me, I’m here to glare at you sternly in hopes of triggering subliminal feelings of guilt in you.
Blind Pete: Knock, knock, ladies! I hope everyone in there is decent!
Celia: No, Pete, we’re both completely nude. But come on in.
Blind Pete: …Now that’s just mean to an old blind man.
Haley: Sorry ‘bout that. But for over a week now, you’ve been telling us that your friend will be here the next day. If you can’t get ahold of him, we really need to know.
Blind Pete: I just needed to get a few details worked out, is all. And now they have been. This is the cleric friend I’ve been telling you about.
Haley: Oh, man, are we glad to meet you! My name is-
Greysky Priest: Please, no names! If they break you, I don’t want you to be able to identify me. If it’s all the same, I’d like to cut the small talk and get down to brass tacks. I’d rather my superiors not start to wonder where I am…
Blind Pete: I’ll leave y’all to discuss while I visit the Little Rogue’s Room.
Greysky Priest: Pete said that you needed a Resurrection spell, but you don’t have the body now?
Haley: That’s about the size of it, yeah.
Greysky Priest: Resurrection is above my caster level, but I have a scroll with it…if you can get the corpse back.
Haley: Which leads into our second problem…
Belkar: They’re saying, “No digestion without representation.”
Haley: Our party ranger has some sort of weird disease, and we need him to help us storm the castle where the body is being held.
Greysky Priest: I’ll take a look. Say “aaaah”.
Belkar: AAAAH!
Greysky Priest: Whoa! Oh yeah, I’ve seen this before. This isn’t a disease, it’s a curse. Nasty, but nonfatal. Good thing you brought him to me, though. See, this is basically a job for Remove Curse, right? But most clerics wouldn’t know the “catch”. This particular curse requires a specific password to be spoken in order to be dispelled. Now I’ve seen a few of these over the years on thieves that have come up from Azure City. It seems the lord down there-
Haley: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me this curse is a result of his Mark of Justice being activated?
Greysky Priest: Sure. How could you have missed it? It turns the whole room blue when it goes off.
Belkar: Unnnhhh…
Greysky Priest: Anyway, I do have that spell prepared today, so-
Haley: No. Leave him the way he is. If he activated his curse, then he likely killed someone – probably one of the Oracle’s helpers. I’m not wasting money on a cure for a curse he brought upon himself. If it’s nonfatal, he can stew for a while. Let Roy sort it out when he gets back.
Celia: Did you hear that, Belkar? You’re this sick because you hurt someone. How does that make you feel?
Belkar: That’s not fair…I didn’t even get to enjoy it…
Haley: We’ll find someone else to help us fight those flesh golems.
Celia: I have never been more in agreement.
Belkar: I want a do-over.
Roy: Well, it lacked the “oomph” of the first time around, but sequels often do.
Greysky Priest: OK, fine, no Remove Curse. Doesn’t bother me either way, What else?
Haley: We need a Sending spell, to contact a dwarf cleric named Durkon Thundershield.
Celia: Ooo! Good idea.
Greysky Priest: OK, not a problem, but I need to be familiar with the subject. Does he have any distinguishing features?
Haley: Well, he’s short.
Celia: He has a beard.
Haley: Heavy armor.
Greysky Priest: Ummm, OK… how about any unusual personality traits?
Celia: He has an accent.
Haley: He likes beer. He worships Thor.
Celia: And hates trees!
Greysky Priest: Can you tell me anything about him that differentiates him from every other dwarf?
Haley: …
Celia: …
Roy: *sigh*
Greysky Priest: Can one of you draw me a picture of him, in chalk?
Celia: Well I’ll try, but I suck at drawing faces. I always make both eyes the same size by accident.
Greysky Priest: OK, so to hurry this alone, here’s my charge for the Sending, plus an estimate for the Resurrection.
Haley: Based on this price, it would seem that you have mistakenly identified me as a dragon of some sort.
Greysky Priest: Yeah…the desperate sort. Look, I’m happy to help out a friend of Pete’s, but you’ve got to make it worth the huge risk I’m taking. If the Church of Loki or the Thieves’ Guild found out I was here right now, aiding an enemy of Bozzok’s, they would-
<cutaway>
Blind Pete: C’mon, Bozzok, we’ve been haggling all week. I’ve got Ian’s girl, the sylph, and now the traitor priest. Do we have a deal or not?
Buzzok: We have a deal. Go over to the temple of Loki, they’ll regenerate your eyes for you.
Blind Pete: Hot diggity damn! They’re in my basement. See you later!
<cutback>
Greysky Priest: -Crap, that was a cutaway panel, wasn’t it? I bet that was a cutaway to them talking about how they found me!
Haley: It does seem likely, given the set-up dialogue. Someone hand me my bow.
Greysky Priest: I don’t want to die, I’ve only been in two strips so far!

Spoiler: Strip 603

Show

Familiarity Breeds Piercing Damage
Haley, Celia, Cleric, Roy, Toby

Haley: Darn it, I can hear them moving around up there. Old Blind Pete must’ve sold us out.
Celia: What?? Why didn’t you know he would do that? I thought you were good at telling when people are lying!
Haley: I am, I can usually tell by looking in their eyes.
Celia: Oh. Right.
Haley: You! Do you have any transport or combat spells prepared?
Greysky Priest: No, I was on temple duty. I’ve got healing, mostly.
Haley: Then cast the Sending now.
Greysky Priest: It has a ten minute casting time, though!
Haley: Darn it! OK, here’s what you’re going to do. Celia and I are going out there to fight the Thieves’ Guild. You stay in here. Lock the door behind us. Barricade it too. They can all pick locks anyway. Start casting the Sending as soon as we’re out…here’s the message I want you to send.
<wall text> From Haley: Alive, in danger in Greysky, with Belkar, Celia. Roy’s body stolen, Thieves’ Guild attacking. Come ASAP. Bring diamonds for Resurrection(s). Love to Elan.
Haley: Got it?
Greysky Priest: This dwarf, he can teleport here to save us?
Haley: Not unless he multiclassed to wizard in the last few months.
Greysky Priest: Then how is this going to help us against the Guild?
Haley: Didn’t say it would. I just refuse to screw up this chance to finally contact him.
Greysky Priest: Wait, I’m not going to just stand here and cast when I could be running to-
Haley: We’ll pay you triple.
Greysky Priest: -and you said his name is “Durkon”, correct? I’ll get right on this.
Roy: At least, someone selling out works in our favor!
Haley: Come on – you and I need to find a way to stall a few dozen mid- to high-level rogues for 100 rounds.
Celia: A few dozen?!? I’m not sure we can survive that!
Haley: Neither am I. That’s why I told Durkon to bring enough diamonds.
Celia: Haley – I’m an outsider! I can’t be raised from the dead!!
Haley: You can’t?
Roy: You can’t?
Haley: OK, then… you hang back, try to stay out of the fighting if you can. *sigh* These are the people I grew up with. Even before I was in the Guild myself, both my parents were members. I’m going to know the names of every person I fight today. This is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Toby: Hello, Haley. It’s a shame things had to end up like this for you.
Haley: Oh! Hey, Toby. Quick question, do you still run the Guild’s dog fighting ring?
Toby: Sure, but I don’t see what that has to do with –
Haley: Initiative! Sneak Attack!
Celia: I thought you said this would be hard for you.
Haley: Yeah, that was before I remembered that everyone I grew up with is an *******. That’s George at the top of the stairs. He beats his wife. Full attack!

Spoiler: Strip 604

Show

Bailout Plan
Rogue 2, Rogue 3, Rogue 4, Hank, Haley, Rogue 5, Yor, Celia, Roy

Rogue 2: Toby, George, and the Munez Twins haven’t come back yet, and we can’t see a thing down there because of this Fog Cloud that sprang up.
Rogue 3: I think it’s Obscuring Mist, actually.
Rogue 4: Are we certain it’s not Solid Fog?
Hank: Geez, how many ways to make a cloud does one magic system really need? Well, back out of it, whatever it is. The sylph probably cast it to conceal Haley while she creeps up the stairs for a –
Haley: Point Blank Rapid Shot Sneak Attack!!
<sfx> fwunk! fwunk! fwunk!
Hank: Yeah, that.
Haley: Funny, Hank, you were never really the type to get worked up over what amounts to a territorial dispute.
Hank: I’m still not.
Rogue 5: SNEAK ATTACK
Hank: Now I have flunkies get worked up for me. You really shouldn’t leave that much concealment floating around, incidentally.
Haley: What level rogue are you?
Rogue 5: 8th, why?
Haley: HA!! Improved Uncanny Dodge, IN YOUR FACE! No Sneak Attack for you!
Rogue 5: Damn, and I rolled mostly 6’s too.
Hank: Now’s probably a good time for me to bring up the Guild’s new Fighter Outreach program.
Yor: POWER ATTACK!
<sfx> WHUNK!
Celia: Eeep! Haley! I don’t know if she can handle that much melee. I need to do something!
Roy: Yeah, you need to stay here and let the woman with years of combat experience handle this.
Hank: Yor, I told you that you don’t have to shout that every time you charge.
Yor: Awww, Hank, all the rogues get to say something when THEY attack!
Celia: Gosh, look at me, all defenseless and weak! I sure am having trouble flying right with all these valuable magic items weighing me down! Whoever captures me sure would have ample opportunity to pocket a few of them before their supervisors found out!
Rogue 5: I dunno boss…I don’t see that many magic items.
Haley: Not that many…compared to how many she has in her POT OF GOLD! Which fairy law says she has to give to the first person who catches her – and ONLY to that person!
Hank: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s leprechauns, not sylphs.
Celia: Listen, Soul Patch, we all know what we’re trying to pull here, so the real question is this: Is your financial outlook so rosy that you can afford to NOT chase me, based solely how well you remember the odd bit of folklore?
Hank: You make a very convincing argument in these tough economic times.
Celia: Thank you! Can I use you as a reference on my resume?
Hank: By all means.

Spoiler: Strip 605

Show

Return of the King
Jenny, Rogue 1, Chuck, Cleric, Belkar, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Jenny: Do you see Haley anywhere?
Rogue 1: No, but I didn’t really expect to.
Jenny: I hear chanting on the other side of that door.
Rogue 1: I bet it’s that rogue cleric of Loki. We better be careful.
Chuck: Eh, if he’s a multiclass caster, his spells won’t be that powerful. I should know.
Jenny: He said “rogue cleric”, not “rogue/cleric”.
Chuck: Oh, never mind, then.
Greysky Priest: Sending…Sending…Sending…
Rogue 1: I’ll pick through the lock, though it might take a while. Chuck, do you have a spell to disperse all this fog?
Chuck: Let me see…
Greysky Priest: Hey, buddy, I know you’re a bit under the weather, but anything you could do here would be appreciated.
Belkar: …
Greysky Priest: Just my luck, I think he’s slipped into a coma. Sending…Sending…
<sfx> lick lick lick
Shojo: There you are, you little scamp! I’ve been looking all over for you! Have you been a good kitty for the funny little psychopath? Have you?
Belkar: Wacky old dude…?? Is that really you?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Shojo: Tough to say, actually. I don’t think he’s been feeding you enough, Mr. Scruffy, has he? I mean, this is obviously a dream that you’re having. I’m not physically here. But I might really be the spirit of the late Lord Shojo, appearing to you from beyond the grave in your sleep. Or, I’m a tiny personified piece of the magical curse afflicting you, making my influence known through the medium of dreams. Or maybe I’m just a fever-induced hallucination. Who knows?
Belkar: I think YOU would know if – HEY! What the hell?? What just happened to me? Look at me! I’m a green line!
Shojo: As dreams go, it beats suddenly realizing that you’re naked. Especially for the rest of us.
Belkar: OK, wise guy, answer this: If this is my dream, why did I just turn into a line?
Shojo: Yes, let’s think about this: Why would your subconscious mind represent you as a line – a completely one-dimensional figure?
Belkar: Oh, I get it. Ha ha.
Shojo: A figure without depth; one lacking any sort of hidden meaning or interest. Shallow. Banal.
Belkar: Yeah, OK, OK, I get it!
Shojo: Simplistic. Predictable – even painfully obvious. Overdone.
Belkar: Knock it off!
Shojo: going in exactly one direction, and not even a particular interesting one at that.
Belkar: You can’t see my face, but I’m glaring at you violently.
Shojo: Case in point.

Spoiler: Strip 606

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The Philosophy of Chaos
Belkar, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Belkar: So is there some point to all this?
Shojo: It’s a dream, how much “point” do you really expect?
Belkar: Enough to justify this dream not featuring Jessica Biel in a hot tub instead of your decrepit ass.
Shojo: Hmmm. Fair enough. I’m here to help.
Belkar: you’re going to remove the curse? YES!
Shojo: Oh my, no. I can’t do that, I’m probably just a figment of your imagination. No, I’m going to give you some broad unsolicited advice in the hopes that it will change how you live your life. We’re rather alike, you know. We’re both individuals who don’t fit into the preconceptions others might have about our roles in life. Sure, I’m a scheming benevolent dictator and you’re a bloodthirsty killer, but I find that after one is dead, distinctions like that don’t matter as much anymore. Plus, you’re looking after my cat. If you flake out on life, Mr. Scruffy is on his own, isn’t he?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Belkar: OK, so that’s the big secret wisdom? Don’t let the King of Blue-Town put a curse on you? Because I figured that one out on my own already.
Shojo: No, the wisdom is simply this: Play the game.
Belkar: Uh, OK, but I thought we weren’t actually representing a game campaign, we were just living in a world where the laws of –
Shojo: Not THIS game!
Belkar: Oh, whew!
Shojo: I mean The Game, the big one. The one that each of us plays every day when we get out of bed, put on our face, and go out into the world. Some of us play to get ahead, some of us just want to get through the day without breaking character. It’s called “Civilization”. No, wait, there’s already a game called that…OK, it’s called “Society”. Your problem is that you don’t want to play the game at all, you want to sit on the couch and eat Cheetos while everyone else is playing.
Belkar: Well, why shouldn’t I? What’s the point of their society anyway? It never did anything for me.
Shojo: The point is that if you laugh and spit in their faces enough times, they’ll kick you out of the house – Which in this extended metaphor means killing you.
Belkar: So, what, you’re saying that the only alternative is to show up and play by everyone else’s stupid rules??
Shojo: Of course not, my wooly friend. You can cheat. Twelve Gods know that I always did. Nudge die rolls, palm cards, “forget” penalties…but you have to sit down and play first. As long as the people at the table see a fellow player across from them, they’ll tolerate you. A crooked player is a pain in the ass, but someone who refuses to play at all makes them start question their own lives – and people HATE to think. They’d rather lose to a cheater than dwell too long on why they’re playing in the first place.
Belkar: So, you’re saying that if I can trick all of the other mindless drones into believing that I subscribe to their arbitrary moral framework, they’ll just leave me alone?
Shojo: They all assumed I followed the Paladin’s Code, didn’t they?
Belkar: That makes so much sense…I finally understand what it is I need to be doing! In order to make it in this world – I need to pretend to have character growth!
Shojo: That “faking sincerity” bit is a pretty useful trick, too.

Spoiler: Strip 607

Show

Gherkin Her Chain
Haley, Crystal

Haley: <whispering> Celia? Celia, where are you? The front door is too well guarded and I just drank two healing potions. I need you to come up with me to the roof and fly us –
<barrel text> PICKLES
Crystal: PICKLE DEATH ATTACK!
Haley: So that’s the sort of battle this is going to be, huh?
Crystal: You’re just jealous because you don’t have a secret plan for beating me that’s as awesome as my secret pickle plan for beating you! HA! Bozzok told me to find and kill you, right? So I tried to think about all the times we got stuck on missions together, and I always remembered one thing: Whenever we ordered sandwiches, you always asked them to hold the pickles. But pickles are totally yummy, so I asked myself, “Why would Haley not want totally yummy pickles on her food?”
Haley: And the answer you came up with was, “Because she’s physically vulnerable to them.”
Crystal: Yeah! Smart, huh? Thought I admit, I was sorta hoping you would be screaming in agony from their touch by now.
Haley: Geeze, Bozzok finally gets a shot at me, and THIS is the plan he goes with??
Crystal: Nah, Bozz made fun of me when I told him my plan. He said I should just do this to you instead:
<sfx> SNAP!
Haley: My bow!! That was a +3 bow, you stupid cow!
Crystal: Yeah? Well it was a +4 dagger, so suck on that while I shove it down your throat.
Haley: Wait – how many magic plusses did the pickles have? Did they have enough to overcome my DR?
Crystal: “DR”?
Haley: Sure – Dill Resistance
Crystal: I dunno, I didn’t even check.
Haley: That’s probably why it didn’t work! Here, check the barrel, I bet there’s a label somewhere.
Crystal: Hmmmm, I don’t see anything.
Haley: try the inside bottom, that’s where they traditionally put the stats.
Crystal:Oh, yeah, good Idea. I think I see something down in–
<sfx> SPLOOSH!

Spoiler: Strip 608

Show

Mean Girls
Crystal, Haley, Ian

Crystal: Where are you, Haley? I looked, that barrel doesn’t say ANYTHING about how magical the pickles are! I don’t even think they’re masterwork! But you can look for yourself when I shove that barrel up your uterus!!!
<sfx> rustle! rustle!
Crystal: Wait – I hear you! Are you in the crapper? Don’t think that’ll protect you! I once slit a town councilman’s throat while he was taking a dump. Got a free newspaper out of it, too. Ahh…I see you, too.
<sfx> eee!! eee!! eee!! eee!!
Crystal: Damn it! I was hoping to kill her, and here she had to go and turn herself into a dummy made of flour sacks! …Wait a minute–
<sfx> WHUNK!
Crystal: A sap? Is that all you’ve got? HA!
Haley: Yeah, silly me. Why would I think hitting you on the head have any effect?
Crystal: This is the best! I’ve been waiting to kill you since that day. Do you remember that day, Haley?
<sfx> whoosh!
Haley: Oh, I remember. I remember like it was yesterday.]
<flashback>
Ian: There you are, honey. I’d like you to say hello to our latest recruit, Crystal.
Crystal: Hey.
Haley: Hello.
Ian: She’s 19, too, so I’m sure you two will have a lot to talk about.
Crystal: …Nice boots.
Haley: Nice haircut.
<end flashback>
Crystal:DIE, WHORE, DIE!!
Haley: I’LL KILL YOU FIRST!

Spoiler: Strip 609

Show

It Takes TWO Thieves, Actually
Haley, Crystal, Bozzok

Haley: I got your “nice boots” right here!
<sfx> ftth!
Crystal:Ooof!
Haley: Celia! Celia, where are you?? We need to get out of– Whoa!
Buzzok: Haley, you know you need to stop running. It’s for the good of the Guild. You have to understand, our entire business model relies on exclusivity. If we allow non-Guild thieves to come and go from the city as they please, we lose leverage over those who buy into out protection rackets.
Haley: You don’t have to kill them though. You could just drive them out of town.
Buzzok: Other benefits of their execution aside, the fact that you yourself returned sorts of undercuts your position, don’t you agree? Your father felt the same way you do, incidentally. One of the many reasons we needed to be removed from play.
Haley: My father?? What are you getting at, Bozzok?
Buzzok: I’m saying that your father was very popular among the less violent members of the Guild, after the old guildmaster died and I took over. And it’s never prudent to have someone more popular than yourself around when you’re trying to establish a new regime. A few letters to some friends on the Western Continent were all it took on my part. You know, I still don’t know what they wrote to him to get him to rush off. I mean, he didn’t even tell YOU where he was going, did he? I hear the local government has had him in custody for some time now.
Haley: You don’t’ really expect me to buy that story, do you?
Buzzok: Your purchasing habits are at your own discretion. I merely wanted to keep you mind occupied while Crystal took up a flanking position.
Haley: Huh. Nicely done, Bozzok, but you know as well as I do that you need to be 4 levels higher than me to sneak attack me anyway.
Buzzok: True, but I did say there were other benefits to killing thieves that try to leave the Guild – Sneak Attack.
<sfx> schtuth.
Buzzok: Namely, rapid XP gain.

Spoiler: Strip 610

Show

You're It
Roy, Celia, Rogue 1, Shojo, Belkar, Crystal, Chuck, Jenny, Haley, Bozzok, Greysky Priest

Roy: Don’t you dare think about going out there, Celia. You just managed to give those thieves the slip.
Celia: *gasp!* Haley!!
Roy: You can’t hear me? Fine. But if you can feel my presence here at all, then LISTEN to me for once.
<cutaway>
<sfx> click!
Rogue 1: There you go, one unlocked door!
Shojo: OK, Belkar, we’ve talked about a lot fo things. Now I need you to do something for me, OK?
Belkar: Yeah, sure, no problem. You’ve given me all sorts of sneaky new ways to raise hell.
<cutback>
Roy: Believe me, I would love for you to go save Haley right now, but she is lying between two high-level rogues. If you go between then to feed her a potion or carry her off or whatever, they will Double Sneak Attack of Opportunity you into vapor.
<cutaway>
Shojo: Here’s what I need from you: I need to tell me what you are.
Belkar: Come again?
Shojo: It’s a relatively simple question. How can you succeed at pretending to be something else without knowing exactly what you are in the first place. So what are you, Belkar?
<cutback>
Roy: And don’t go thinking that if you just give in and fry them with your lightning, it would fix everything. It wouldn’t. They’d just Evade, and you might hit Haley. You need to be patient. Wait for your moment.
Crystal: I’ve wanted to do this for seven years.
<cutaway>
Rogue 1: Damn, it’s barred or something, too! I tried pushing and pulling!
Chuck: Bull’s Strength!
Jenny: I’ll play a bard song, too. That ought to be worth another +2, right?
Shojo: Do you hear the music? Time’s almost up, Belkar. Answe the question, what are you?
Belkar: Uh…a halfling?
Shojo: What else?
Belkar: A ranger? With a sprinkle of barbarian?
<cutback>
Roy: I know it’s tough, baby. But if there’s one lesson I’ve learned the hard way, it’s that you’re not helping anyone if you get yourself killed in the process. Trust me.
Celia: I…I can’t help her!!
Roy: Haley will be fine, she knew this fight might end badly for her.
<sfx> SHIRKT!
Crystal:Woooo! Check it out! I got me a trophy!
Haley: Unnnnh…
<cutaway>
Shojo: Is that all you are? A race and a class? Another forgettable mix-and-match player character?
Belkar: No!
Shojo: If you die, will another halfling ranger just happen to show up to take your place?
Belkar: HELL no!
Shojo: Then what ARE you?
<cutback>
Roy: Think of all this as a game…a game of Tag. And Durkon is base.
<cutaway>
Rogue 1: Hey, I think that cleric stopped chanting.
Chuck: Did he finish the spell he was casting? Or did he just stop?
Rogue 1: I’m not sure.
Jenny: Then keep trying, Bozzok promised that cleric’s head to Loki’s high priest.
<cutback>
Crystal: HA! NOW who has the nice haircut, huh? Ha ha!
<cutaway>
Belkar: I’m Chaotic Evil!
Shojo: Still just a label. What else?
Belkar: I’m–I’m comedy gold! I’m the only funny thing left in this damn comic strip!
Shojo: WHAT ELSE??
<cutback>
Roy: Some of us might get tagged along the way, but everything will work out as long as one of us reaches Base.
Buzzok: Hey, Sweeney Toddette, can you please just kill her so we can split her XP?
Crystal: Yeah. Yeah, OK.
<cutaway>
Greysky Priest: Can you hear me? Listen, I have time to cast just about one spell before they come through that door to kill both of us. The pretty redhead said you killed someone, does that mean you’re a warrior? Are you good at fighting?
<cutback>
Roy: We just need to figure out the path to get there…even if it’s the last thing we expect.
<cutaway>
Belkar: I’m– I’m–
Shojo: You know the answer to this, say it! SAY IT!
Belkar: I AM A SEXY – …shoeless…god of war…
<sfx> WHUMPH! WHUMPH! WHUMPH! WHUMPH!
Greysky Priest: Good enough for me, this spell is on the house. Remove Curse! Passcode: “Evolve or die”!

Spoiler: Strip 611

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None Left Standing
Rogue 1, Belkar, Greysky Priest, Rogue 6, Rogue 7, Chuck, Mr. Scruffy, Jenny

<sfx> WHUNK!
Rogue 1: Crap, I can’t see anything!
Jenny: The mist is filling the room…I think it’ll clear out soon.
Chuck: Hey! You up there at the front door! We’re going to need some help searching down here!
Rogue 1: OK, guys, we don’t know how far this room goes back, so spread out and search carefully. We’re looking for one middle-aged cleric. Bozzok says to kill on sight, but don’t worry, I hear he’s sort of a coward…I don’t expect any trouble.
<wall text> -in danger- -with Belkar
Belkar: Would you be interested in pariticipcating in a scientific experiment I am currently conducting?
Rogue 1: Hey, who the hell–
<sfx> SHURKT! SHURKT!
Belkar: Glad to hear it. Thank you for your part in increasing the sum of halfling knowledge. Hmmm…no nausea, no vomiting, no rash. We’re inside city limite right?
Greysky Priest: yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?
Belkar: Not a damn thing, apparently. Back me up and I’ll cut a path through these guys.
Greysky Priest: Sounds good.
<sfx> bonk!
Belkar: Wait, did I say “path”? I mean a five-lane blacktop highway with a two-lane service road – and I’m packin’ a fist full of tokens and a radar detector.
Rogue 6: Sneak Attack!
Rogue 7: Sneak Attack!
Chuck: Sneak Attack Acid Arrow!
Belkar: Mr. Scriffy, get the caster!
Mr. Scruffy: hissss!
Chuck: Gah! Scorching Ray!
Greysky Priest: Inflict Serious Wounds!
Jenny: Hideous Laugh–
<sfx> fizzle!
Jenny: Oh!!
<sfx> kiss! shunk! shunk! WHUMPH!
Belkar: Come on– the fact that the two girls didn’t skewer those shmucks themselves means that I get to go play hero.
Greysky Priest: Cure Critical Wounds.
Jenny: My name is Jenny, but the way! …Just in case you ever…you know…

Spoiler: Strip 612

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Technically, the "Fish" Version is a Subset of This One
Rogue 8, Pete, Belkar, Greysky Priest, Mr. Scruffy

Blind Pete: But this is my house! And I can finally see it again for the first time in years.
Rogue 8: I’m sorry, we can’t let anyone in or out. Bozzok’s orders.
Blind Pete: At least let me change my clothes! Why didn’t anyone ever tell me I was wearing orange and purple together?? Look, all I really want is to get into my den, right behind you. I’ll just sit and read a book until you guys give the word.
Rogue 8: Well…I guess it wouldn’t kill us to let you stay in –
<sfx> shtherk! WNNK.
Belkar: Hey there! Welcome home! You’re looking well, let me massage your feet.
<sfx> SHUNK!
Blind Pete: AHHHH!
Belkar: I’ll start with the inside.
Blind Pete: Please don’t stab my eyes out, please don’t stab my eyes out, please don’t stab my eyes out…
Belkar: Why would I do that? Because you sold us out to a bunch of third-rate wannabes? Nah, I’m not going to do anything to you, Petey Boy. Other than leave you in the capable hands of your dear old childhood friend here.
Greysky Priest: Me? I mean, I never–in self-defense, sure, but–
Belkar: First time for everything, right? Consider it my “thank you” gift to you.
Greysky Priest: Listen, I’m skipping town tonight. How would you like a job as a bodyguard.
Belkar: …Nah, I think I better go help the girls. It’s a whole thing.
Greysky Priest: Good luck to you, then.
Belkar: You too.
Blind Pete: Listen, listen! You don’t understand! Yeah, OK, I told them about you casting spells behind the Guild’s back–
Greysky Priest: Spells for YOU! I only did it to help YOU, Pete!
Blind Pete: –but I came back to help you escape! They let me in because it was my house, didn’t they? It’s all part of my big plan!
Greysky Priest: I guess you have all the angles worked out then. You’re a real smart guy, huh?
Blind Pete: Heh heh, you bet. Now, help me get this sword out–
Greysky Priest: Maybe we ought to start calling you…”Brainy Pete”.
Blind Pete: …No! NO! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, it was all a–
Belkar: See what we learned today, Mr. Scruffy?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Belkar: Solve a man’s problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime!
<sfx> THUNK! THUNK! CRACK!! squilch.

Spoiler: Strip 613

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I Need a Hero
Crystal, Bozzok, Belkar, Celia, Roy, Haley

Crystal: So, you’re sure we can’t let her go with a stern warning and let her go level up some more? Because I really wanted to get at least one more Assassin level before –
Buzzok: Crystal.
Crystal: OK, OK. Well, Haley, looks likt his is it. I expected more screaming, but this’ll do. Game over, you lose.
Belkar: Last minute field goal!! We’re headed to overtime!
Crystal: Gah!
Buzzok: Damn it! See, THIS is why you don’t take your time killing the heroes!
Crystal: I don’t know who you are, but you just made yourself the delicious meaty filling in a sneak attack sandwich!
Belkar: *sniff sniff* Are you bringing the pickles?
<sfx> woosh!
Buzzok: Yeah, and I’m bringing the onions – to make you cry!
<sfx> swing!
Belkar: Actually, can we go back to the football quips? This is just making me hungry. You’re not using thie shield right now, are you?
Celia: Belkar?!? How did he – What is he – BELKAR???
Roy: I don’t know whether to be excited or worried. I think I’ll go with “Whuh??”
Belkar: Wow, it’s almost like I’m a seasoned warrior and you two are glorified pickpockets! Imagine that! Mmm…seasoning…
<sfx> cling! clang!
Haley: Belkar…?
Belkar: Oh, hey, haley. Don’t mind me. I’m just getting you out fo a situation that you… What was that phrase you used? Oh, right – “brought upon yourself”. That’s what loyal teammates do for each other, isn’t it? You know, when they’re not busy getting new haircuts.
<sfx> clang!
Buzzok: Forget this. Crystal, you deal with the halfling, I’m killing Starshine before anyone else–
<sfx> whisk! THUNK!!
Buzzok: Damn it!!! How do the good guys keep DOING that????
Belkar: Trade Secret. HEY! Can you pick me up a pastrami sandwich while your’e out? Extra pickles and onions!

Spoiler: Strip 614

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A Cut Above
Haley, Celia, Crystal, Bozzok, Belkar

Haley: OK…I think these healing potions you were carrying did the trick. I feel a little beter. How are we doing?
Celia: Well, the good news is that Belkar isn’t fighting both of those thieves anymore.
<cutaway>
Celia: <voiceover> The bad news is, that’s because the half-orc is now chasing us.
Crystal: Hey, where are you going? What about the halfling?
Buzzok: Screw the halfling!
Belkar: Not on your best day, Tusky.
Buzzok: I came here to kill Starshine.
Celia: <voiceover> I fly faster than he can run, but I don’t have anywhere to go.
Celia: So, where to? I, uh…I suggest NOT the bathroom. Or the bedroom. Or any room with a mirror in it. Or any room with a mirror in it. Or a pool of water, really. Or–
Haley: Don’t worry. I already know what the bitch did to my hair. I could feel it.
Celia: Oh Haley! I’m so sorry! I couldn’t stop her! I wanted to, but she was –
Haley: Celia, Calm down. Yeah, I’m pissed, but it’s just hair. I cut it shorter than this the first time I decided I didn’t want to dye it anymore.
Celia: You used to dye your hair? But your natural color is so–
Haley: Not really important right now!
Celia: Oh, sorry.
Haley: OK, Belkar gave us a good distraction, but even he can’t beat the whole Guild on his own.
Celia: But you don’t even have a weapon!
Haley: Well, I guess I can pick up a sword from one of the thieves that I shot earlier. It’s not ideal, but– Wait–if Belkar came up from the stairs, then everyone guarding the front door is dead now! Head that way, quick!
Celia: You got it!
Haley: There’s a den off the front foyer that has something I couldn’t get to before. Not with all those guards and my bow broken.
Celia: You know, it’s really not THAT bad…if we cleaned it up a little. I know a lot of pixies that just love that haircut.
Haley: Can we PLEASE focus on the battle, not my hair???
Celia: Right, right. Is that Pete over there? Ew, gross!
Haley: Huh. Well, I guess he’s really not going to be needing what we’re taking anymore.
Celia: Why, is it a hat?
Haley: Just hurry up and get inside, Bozzok can’t be far behind.
Celia: No, really, what would Old Blind Pete keep in his den that would matter now?
Haley: Nothing – but Eagle-Eyed Pete was one of the Guild’s best snipers, back in the day.
Celia: Wow… Ooooo! He doesn’t happen to have a room full of wigs, too, does he? Because since you mentioned color, I’ve been thinking that brunette might really suit you.
Haley: *sigh*

Previous Book | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 615 to 633
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 615

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It's a Real Life-Saver
Haley, Celia, Rogue 10, Rogue 11, Rogue 12, Bozzok, Yor, Hank

Rogue 10: I think I hear them in the den, Guildmaster!
Haley: Let’s see… Distance? Kinda weak. Seeking? I’ve got a feat that can do most fo that already. Axiomatic? Ugh, not in this lifetime. Ah, here we go. This one. This one’s mind now. Here, take a crossbow.
Celia: Haley, if I was willing to risk killing these people, I would have been blasting them with lightning the whole time.
Haley: Celia, did you SEE how close they just came to killing me??
Celia: Believe me, I saw. And if I wasn’t willing to betray my principles then, why would I start now?
Haley: Fine, whatever. Just stay out of my way, then, because I intend to betray your principles all over the friggin’ place.
Rogue 10: Hey! I found–
<sfx> twang! burst!
Haley: Nice.
Celia: Oooo! What is that peppermint smell?
<bow text> +5 ICY BURST ARCHORY: A refreshing blast of winter!
<sfx> twang! twang!
Rogue 11: My mouth feels like a cool mountain spring!
Rogue 12: My last breath…is also my mintiest…
Haley: Hey, Bozzok!! I got two things you’ve desperately needed for some time: An arrow to the gut, and a breath freshener!
Buzzok: Maybe we can trade – I’ve got something to finish up that trim Crystal gave you.
<sfx> thunk!!
Buzzok: Nnnh! One cut below the chin outght to do the trick.
Celia: Come on, Haley! You can do it!
Hank: Excuse me, are you sufficiently distracted?
Celia: Huh?
Yor: CHARGING GRAPPLE ATTACK!
Celia: Ahhh! Darn it! Not again!
Hank: Oh my gods, Yor, I swear, you do NOT need ot keep shouting out your attacks! This isn’t manga!
Yor: Sorry, Hank.
Celia: Hey, if you want, he could let go and we could try it again.
Hank: Shush.

Spoiler: Strip 616

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An Opponent or Rival Whom a Person Cannot Overcome
Crystal, Belkar

Crystal: Come on, halfling, stand still so I can beat you already! I want to go fight Haley again!
Belkar: Oh, you poor dumb pickle-woman. The only thing that was making this even sporting was your big green buddy, and he left you hanging, didn’t he?
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Crystal: Arrgh!! You little twit, I’m gonna kill you!
<sfx> trip!
Belkar: Yeah, and I’m gonna drop a house on you and sing about how I represent the Lollipop Guild. C’mon, let’s keep our threats realistic, shall we? I mean, if you said, “You little twit, I’m going to temporarily inconvenience you!” I’d think, hey, she might really mean it! But seriously, you? Kill me? Never going to happen.
Crystal: AAAAHHH!
<sfx> SHCHLURK!
Crystal: …I’m still alive?
Belkar: Yeah. At 0 hit points. Sneeze too hard, and you’ll burst an artery. I’m not kill-stealing today.
Crystal: Huh??
Belkar: Ten minutes ago, I wouldn’t gladly ganked someone else’s personal nemesis without thinking twice. It would have been a hilarious anticlimas – plus, you know, murder. Which is always a nice perk. But I’m doing this whole “team player” thing, and that means not fulfilling someone else’s narrative role. In other words, it’a Haley’s job to kill you, not mine.
Crystal: Oh yeah? Well…what if Haley CAN’T kill me? What then, pipsqueak?
Belkar: That’s not really my problem now, is it? I got my brownie points for saving her once already. The fact is, you’re not actually important enough for me to risk rocking my new boat. You only matter as Haley’s arch-nemesis – and frankly, she already has one of those, and she’s a LOT hotter than you are. So, see you around, I guess.
Crystal: Hey! HEY! I am important! And hot! Get back here and kill me you coward!
Belkar: Nah, I’m gonna go find my cat.
Crystal: Well FINE! I don’t need you to kill me! I know lots of people waiitng to kill me! Maybe I’ll call one of them!
Belkar: You do that.
Crystal: I will! And what the hell does “nemesis” mean, anyway??

Spoiler: Strip 617

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Power Meeting
Roy, Celia, Hank, Rogue 5, Yor

Roy: Hey, has anyone in here happened to see my girlfriend? White hair, pointy ears? Big fairy wings? Inexplicably Medium-sized?
Celia: HEY! Get your hands off me!
Hank: Sorry, Miss Sylph. I believe you owe us some magic items. Lock the door.
Roy: Ah, there’s my damsel. In distress. As is quickly becoming standard.
Celia: Well, hey! Look! A whole wall full of magic bows and stuff! There, now everyone’s happy, so you can, you know, let em go.
Hank: Nice try. Per the terms of his employment contract, all fo Pete’s possessions pass to the Guild upon his death. And half the Guild knows about Pete’s stash, so my two friends and I are unlikely to see much income from their sale.
Celia: pete was still a member of the Thieves’ Guild? I thougth he got kicked out.
Hank: No one gets kicked out. The contracts are effective in perpetuity.
Roy: OK, Celia, you know when I told you not to give in and fry them with your lightning? That was then. This is now.
Hank: I mean, I’d perfer nobody got killed here, but what can you do? The Guild needs to keep its reputation. Nobody leaves, except in a casket.
Rogue 5: Vampire thieves can’t even leave in one of those.
Roy: You can take them. The fighter can’t dodge lightning, so blast him first, then take to the skies. I know it’s hard for you. I know you don’t want to kill, but you’re an adventurer now. This is the world in which we live. Well the world in which I lived, and to which you are a frequent flyer. You’ve been able to muddle through, but these guys are just going to kill you if you don’t fight back.
Rogue 5: I guess they could leave in an urn, though. For their ashes, if they got staked.
Celia: I can’t – I can’t believe I need to do this. It goes against everything I’ve been taught, but…
Roy: Yes! That’s it! You need to do it, Celia!
Celia: May the gods forgive me…
Yor: …Guys?
Hank: Look, the point is that no one leaves.
Roy: You need to kill them, there’s no other way out–
Yor: Woah!
Celia: On behalf of my client, I am willing to renegotiate the immediate reinstatement of her lapsed employment contract with your organization!
Roy: –except that, I guess.
Hank: …Legal Pad.
Rogue 5: You got it, boss.

Spoiler: Strip 618

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Flank Cut
Bozzok, Haley, Rogue 13, Belkar

Buzzok: So, Starshine, once again we’re –
Haley: Yeah, OK, can we skip the combat dialogue? I’m trying not to get distracted this time.
Buzzok: Not a problem with me, I only have two words to say to you anyway– Sneak Att–
Haley: Oh my gods, I’ve done that “two words” gag like 9 times already! You’re going to need to get some fresher material if you want to be a villain in this story. Not MUCH fresher, but still.
<sfx> ftt! ftt!
Buzzok: Damn it!
<sfx> slash!
Haley: Ooo, I take it back! Those are a different two words.
Buzzok: Ah, here we go. Snea–
<sfx> fft! slash!
Buzzok: DAMN IT!! Stop killing my flankers in the middle of my swing!!
Haley: Poor Bozzie cant’ get a–OW!!–Sneak Attack, huh?
Buzzok: I’m still hitting you for regular bastard sword damage every time! You can’t keep this up forever!
<sfx> fft! fft! slash!
Haley: Don’t need to–UGH! I just need to keep it up until – right now.
Rogue 13: Screw this! I’ve only got 14 hit points!
Haley: The moment when they stop being willing to run into certain arrowy death to help out a guy who takes half their earnings.
Buzzok: Where are you going?? Come back here and die fro my fleeting tactical advantage!
Haley: So…ready to end this, Bozzok?
Buzzok: Fine…we can finish this battel WITHOUT any flankers!
Belkar: Hey, now, Let’s not be hasty.

Spoiler: Strip 619

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Wow, That's a Spicy Meatball!
Haley, Bozzok, Belkar, Haley, Hank, Badspear Troll, Blue Dragon

Haley: Hey, this two-on-one thing is pretty sweet, I can see why you like it.
<sfx> fft! fft! stab! stab! stabbity stab!
Buzzok: Shut up, you ungrateful brat! When Crystal gets here, we’re going to–
<sfx> BURST!
Haley: Ooo! Icy Burst! Yes!
Belkar: Nice! Though that peppermint smell is making me hungry again. Where the hell is my sandwich, anyway?
Haley: OK, Bozzok, end of the road for you.
Belkar: WAIT!! Don’t you think you should make some sort of cold-related pun while you kill him? You know, Arnie-style?
Haley: Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. OK, Bozzok, time to put you on –
Celia: WAIT!!
Haley: Oh, NOW what?!?
Haley: Don’t kill him Haley! I negotiated a truce with the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: You did WHAT???
Belkar: Instead of getting my lunch??? I thought we were a team!
Haley: Aren’t truces generally for people who haven’t already, I dunno, WON?
Celia: Come on, put the bow down. Do you really want any more bloodshed today?
Haley: Sorta, yeah!
Hank: How about bloodshed tomorrow? Or next month? You still care about the common people of Greysky City, right? That was your dad’s shtick, wasn’t it? Rob from the rich, give 40% to the ppor?
Haley: 40%, after reasonable expenses.
Hank: Well, obviously. You know that there’s no nice and orderly line of succession for the Guild. You kill the Boz-cicle here, and it’ll be a free-for-all until someone muscles their way to the top, long after you and your adventuring pals have left. Remember, it took Bozzok over a year to consolidate the Guild under his rule. And in the meantime, we have a dangerous power vaccuum. There are groups worse for the city than the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: Tell me you’re not talking about –
Hank: Yeah… The MOBs.
<cutaway>
Badspear Troll: They camped outside Two-Life Tony’s cave and just waited for him to respawn.
Blue Dragon: You get a train over there, and you make them an aggro they can’t refuse.
Badspear Troll: Yes, Boss Monster.
<window text> BLIZZARIS RESTORANT
<cutback>
Hank: Do you really want things to get that “video gamey”?
Haley: Please. Someone says that every time there’s a change around here. I just don’t see it.
Belkar: Hey, can I get a buff in case we go back to pwning their doods? kthx.

Spoiler: Strip 620

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Probably About an "8"
Haley, Belkar, Celia, Hank

Haley: Sorry, you’ve failed to make your case. Anyone who has a drink that needs cooling, get ready for some ice cubes!
Belkar: Damn it, now I’m thirsty, too!
Celia: Haley, listen! A compromise is our best chance of bringing back Roy!
Haley: Doubt it. It’ll be easy to contact Durkon tomorrow, we just need to wait for him.
Belkar: Yeah, uh, about that…the cleric skipped town in the middle of the fight. Right after he returned my mojo to the upright locked position.
Haley: Damn it! Did he finish casting the Sending first?
Belkar: How should I know? I was still in full Hippie Vision Quest mode until then!
Haley: Huh?
Hank: None of the other clerics in this town will contact your dwarf for us if you kill Bozzok, I promise. You’ll be right back to Square One.
Haley: Grrrrr. OK, fine, let’s hear your big spectacular compromise. But I’m making no promises that I won’t still make orc-flavored sno-cones for everyone.
Hank: OK, the deal all revolves around this: You never actually quit the Thieves’ Guild at all.
Haley: Uh, yes I did.
Celia: No, you didn’t.
Haley: Hank, you were THERE. I totally DID quit!
Hank: Yes, OK, obviously, you did quit. But we spread the word around town that you didn’t, really – that all appearances to the contrary were part of a clever ruse. We tell people that you were actually on a secret undercover mission, infiltrating an adventuring party. That way, the Guild keeps its rep intact – and they have no reason to try to kill you. Hell, our rep improves if we also let slip that you blew back into town carrying the bones of your former party leader. Every party of heroes in the North will need to hire a Guild-approved rogue, or wonder if their supposed freelancer is really an assassin, planted by us to punish them for hiring scabs! And if you were always a Guild member all along –
Haley: Oh, gods, I see it now: If I was always a licensed Guild Member, then my theft at Grubwiggler’s castle MUST have been an approved Guild burglary.
Celia: Exactly.
Haley: Which means the Guild must withdraw any protection it provides to Grubwiggler in order to keep up the illusion that thia was planned all along. Heck, it would be in their best interest to help us break in again! We’ll have Roy’s body back in our hands before the weekend!
Hank: So, that’s the short version of the deal: You stop killing Guild members, and we all help you get your leader back.
Haley: Well…I have to think about it. I mean, I guess it seems like a–
Belkar: I think they’ve worked out a good plant to end this pointless conflict without anymore lives lost, and I support it fully. Let’s stop the violence.
Hank: There, see? Even you other party member agrees which means–
Haley: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Hank: Huh?
Belkar: Humans! Go figure, right? Say, how well-stocked is the Guild’s pantry? On a scale of 1 to 10?

Spoiler: Strip 621

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At Least There Weren't Any Cryptograms
Haley, Celia, Crystal, Hank

Haley: This is so weird.
<sign text> THIEVES' GUILD. SEC Approved.
Celia: How so?
Haley: “How so”?? An hour ago, I was killing these people left, right and center. Now, I’m moving back into my old room at their guildhouse.
Celia: That’s the power of a peaceful solution! Plus, Pete’s house is still full of corpses, so we need to sleep somewhere.
Crystal: I don’t care if you’re back in the Guild, I’ll get you for this someday, Starshine! You and your little ranger, too!
Haley: Yeah, uh, I hate to break this to you, but your “peaceful solution” only worked because Belkar and I ladled the violence on first.
Celia: Maybe, maybe not. I’m sure there could have been a compromise even from the start if a more skilled negotiator than myself had been present. As it was, I did the best I could, given the circumstances. I only wish so many hadn’t needed to suffer.
Hank: Don’t worry, Celia, I have no intention of going back on my part of the deal. Celia stipulated as part of the truce that we get the Church of Loki to raise from the dead every Guild thief that you guys killed back there.
Celia: And Roy, too, obviously, once we get his body back.
Hank: Right. All for the cost of the diamonds needed for the spells.
Haley: Wow, even at cost, that’s going to get expensive!
Hank: I’m not worried, given our recent financial windfall. If you know what I’m saying.
Haley: What, Old Blind Pete’s stuff? Won’t you lose that if you raise him?
Hank: Oh, I got Pete specifically excluded. We need someone to pin today’s whole mess on publicly, and he makes a better scapegoat than most. Within 24 hours, the word on the street will be that Pete crossed the Guild again, and we took him down the hard way. No one likes a backstabber. I mean, figurative backstabbers, not literal ones like you or me. Besides, his recently-acquired estate was not the windfall to which I was referring.
Haley: Well, either way, I’m keeping this bow.
Hank: Fine by me, but we’re going to need the rest of it as soon as possible.
Haley: The rest of what? What is he talking about?
Celia: Oh, uh, right…Well it turns out there were a few…uh…book keeping corrections…that needed to be straightened out in order for you to be put back on the Guild rolls.
Haley: Such as?
Celia: Well…you now retroactively ow them 50% of everything you’ve ever stolen since you first left the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: WHAT?!?
Celia: It was necessary to make things look realistic, and we don’t need money to save Roy now!
Haley: Do you have any idea how much – You ditz! Do you even know what you’ve done.
Celia: If I had to guess, I’d say that I betrayed your principles all over the friggin’ place.

Spoiler: Strip 622

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Don't Hate the Player Character...
Belkar, Mr. Scruffy, Haley, Celia, Barber, Jenny

Belkar: ♪ Hey, Mr. Scruffy, I’m back. Back up.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: No, no, back up.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: check it out: Pastrami, and turkey, both with extra pickles. Plus, a little treat for you: A mackerel! Enjoy.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: So, looks like we’re staying here for a few days while we prepare to hit Froggy’s. Haley and Celia were screaming at each other for hours, but I’ll spare you the details.
<cutway>
Haley: You had no right!
Celia: I had every right to try to reverse deaths that I accidentally helped cause, through any means at my disposal!
Haley: Including using MY money?!?
Celia: You mean, money you stole from other people who earned it? Hell, yes!
<cutback>
Belkar: Eventually, they stormed off to separate corners. Celia went to talk to that Hank guy… While Haley ran out into the rain. Said she had an important errand to take care of in town that was better done sooner rather than later.
<cutaway>
Haley: Wow.
Barber: I’m sorry, I did the best I could with what’s left.
Haley: That is short. That is very very short. …But better, I guess.
<cutback>
Belkar: What a day, huh, Mr. Scruffy? This morning, I was a stiff breeze away from the end of the line, and now, we’re livin’ large in the Guild’s crib. And it’s all because of you, even if only indirectly.
<sfx> munch! munch!
Belkar: I can see now that everything I want out of life is right there, waiting for me. I jut need to reach out and grab it. Everyone tried so hard to block my path–and in the end, all they really did was force me to learn how to climb mountains. All the better from which to pee on them, heh. Anyway, it’s you and me from now on, pal.
Mr. Scruffy: Purrrrrrrrrr.
Belkar: We’re in this together, to the top fo the heap or bust, until the very, very end.
<sfx> munch! munch! rustle. rustle.
Jenny: Belkie…? I thought I heard you coming back. Did you bring me a sandwich?
Belkar: Well, there are exactly two sandwiches here, aren’t there? So no, I didn’t bring you a sandwich. They’re both for me.
<sfx> munch! rustle.
Jenny: Well, hurry back to bed, I’m feeling rested for another encounter.
Belkar: Go ahead and start a solo adventure, I’ll be in to join the quest when I’m done eating.

Spoiler: Strip 623

Show

Running Away
Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Soldier 3, Soldier 4, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Vaarsuvius

<flashback>
Soldier 1: : The caves are over this way!
Soldier 2: Wait for me!
<sfx> WUNNK!
Soldier 1: Ooof! What the-? Hey, I just ran into something invisible right here!
Soldier 3: It must be the elf!
Soldier 4: Use your magic! Save us!!
Soldier 1: Blast them to bits!
Soldier 3: No, turn us invisible too!
Soldier 4: No, just teleport us out of here!
Soldier 2: They’re coming…
Soldier 4: Just do something! I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing!
Soldier 1: Can’t you do anything?? You’re supposed to be the hero here!
Soldier 3: Just help us, please!
Soldier 2: Twelve Gods…there are so many of them…
<sfx> shlack! schlnk!
Soldier 4: Help us, please!
Soldier 3: Help us!
Soldier 2: Help–
Hobgoblin 1: Who do you think they were asking for help from, anyway?
Hobgoblin 2: Probably their stupid animal gods.
<sfx> shthurk!
Soldier 4: Unnnh! Elf, if you’re still here…I hope you choke on your useless goddamn magic.
<end flashback>
Vaarsuvius: *GASP!* NO! No…I must not trance…it is…inefficient. Yes, it is inefficient to review the same memory, over and over. And over. Nowhere does ti state that I must trance in order to regain spells. I must merely rest. Rest for eight hours. I must not engaged in any demanding mental tasks. I must empty my mind completely, while still progressing at my task.
<book text> Finding Plot Holes FOR DUMMIES.
Vaarsuvius: Ahhh…Perfect.

Spoiler: Strip 624

Show

This Happens to Telemarketers All the Time
Vaarsuvius, Qarr

Vaarsuvius: There. Now that I have successfully replenished my magical compliment for the day, I am ready to continue my research. The first question to be addressed on this day’s agenda: Why is a small imp invisibly lurking about my island? See Invisibility.
Qarr: Oh crap! Tele–
Vaarsuvius: No. No teleportation. Dimensional Anchor!
Qarr: Crap! Crap! CRAP!
Vaarsuvius: Bugsby’s Grasping Hand.
<sfx> GRASP!
Qarr: Damn it! How long have you known?
Vaarsuvius: Four days. However, yesterday was the first time that your fumbling endeavours at staying silent actually rose to the level of distraction.
Qarr: Ah, hell, I should have suspected that you knew when you turned yourself invisible before peeing.
Vaarsuvius: Actually, that has simply become a habit when camping outdoors. It frustrated a halfling I once knew to no end. Tell me, are you seeking revenge? For my victory over the devil you had summoned?
Qarr: No! No, I swear! I was just observing you. Trying to figure out why you were reading books on a tiny rock in the middle of the ocean.
Vaarsuvius: I am conducting arcane research in the nearest local that was free of mundane interruptions. Emphasis on the word “was”. Now that I have dispelled your curiosity, you no longer have any reason to stay. I therefore bid you farewell. Bugsby’s Flicking Finger!
<sfx> FLICK!
Qarr: OK, well, all my molecules are still attached to my other molecules, so I guess that went pretty well for a cold call.
Vaarsuvius: Bugsby’s Expressive Single Digit!
<sfx> FLIP!
Qarr: You know, relatively.

Spoiler: Strip 625

Show

Bargain Hunter
Qarr, Vaarsuvius

Qarr: So…hey there, again.
Vaarsuvius: Great gods of magic, have you actually returned?
Qarr: Yeah, well, this green stuff you did to me hasn’t worn off, so I can’t teleport away yet, I figured I’d give this one more shot.
Vaarsuvius: I do not have very much patience right now. I entreat you to provideme with but a solitary reason that I should not vaporize you where you hover.
Qarr: I can help you. With research.
Vaarsiuvius: Highly unlikely.
Qarr: No, it’s true. I may be an imp, but I’m also a pretty good sorcerer. I probably know a few avenues of magical study that you haven’t yet considered.
Vaarsuvius: Impossible. My methodology has been quite exhaustive.
Qarr: Yeah, uh, I can see that. Have you tried adding virgin’s blood to your spell reagents?
Vaarsuvius: How could that possibly affect the spell?
Qarr: I don’t know exactly, I don’t know what kind of spell you are working on. But I find that virign’s blood is kind of like tabel salt: You can’t go wrong with a little sprinkle here or there.
Vaarsuvius: That is reprehensible, depraved, and most importantly, highly impractical given our current location. This project is time-sensitive, and the added effort needed to procure such an ingredient would more than offset any boost in efficiency it might provide.
Qarr: OK, OK, well, it was only my first suggestion. The point is, we can work together on something.
Vaarsuvius: And why, precisely, would you have any interest in assisting me in the first place?
Qarr: You smoked my boss…where I’m from, that puts you at the top of the food chain. See, the first lesson of being 18-inches tall is: Find someone more powerful than you are, and glue your lips to their ass.
Vaarsuvius: What a charming visual image you have conjured. Truly, you are a painter with words.
Qarr: Kubota had ambition, sure, but his power was mostly political – and when the political system fell apart, so did he. Literally, in the end. But you, you’ve got real power. Do you know how few wizards make ti past 10th level? An imp like me, I can appreciate that sort of power. I’m just suggesting a…a partnership, of sorts. I help you with your research, and afterwards you help me out with a certain project of my own.
Vaarsuvius: What sort of project, exactly?
Qarr: Nothing that a mage like you couldn’t finish in a few weeks, at the most.
Vaarsuvius: You make an intriguing offer, one that is very tempting.
Qarr: By design.
Vaarsuvius: It would seem that I have little alternative than to answer thudly: DISINTEGRATE!
<sfx> ZZZAPPPP!!!!
Qarr: WHOA! Hey, you almost hit me with that!
Vaarsuvius: Apologies. I will endeavor to aim more accurately next round, spawn of Hell!

Spoiler: Strip 626

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Good to the Last Drip
Vaarsuvius, Qarr, Ancient Black Dragon

Vaarsuvius: Your aerial elusions shall not keep you from joining your former master in his fabulous new career as a low-concentration saltwater colution. Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZZAPP!!
Qarr: Quit it! Look, I’m sorry I said anything! Stop shooting me and I’ll just fly away, OK?
Vaarsuvius: No, I think it is anything but “OK” fiend! Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZZAAPP!!
Vaarsuvius: Did you really think me that stupid? That I would throw my lot in with you for a few unproductive magical tricks? Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZAPP!!
Qarr: Wait, elf, look be– Aaargh!!
Vaarsuvius: I shall conquer this minor setback through my own diligence, devil, or not at all! I am no fledgling human aristocrat, ready to risk damnation for fleeting dominance in thie mortal coil!
<sfx> SPLOOSH!
Qarr: Be…
Vaarsuvius: It would take a great deal more than a handful of misplaced acquaintances before I would consider allying myself with the…
Qarr: …hind….
Vaarsuvius: …forces of…darkness?
<sfx> splink!
Ancient Black Dragon: Say “Disintegrate” one more time, Vaarsuvius. For me.

Spoiler: Strip 627

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Power Outage
Vaarsuvius, Ancient Black Dragon, Qarr

Vaarsuvius: *gasp!* Prismatic Spray!
Ancient Black Dragon: No.
<sfx> WOOSH!!!
Vaarsuvius: Rrrnnh! You wretched imp, what is your game? Have the dragon dissolve me if I do not accept your offer?
Qarr: What?? I’ve never seen her before in my life! I tried to warn you!
Vaarsuvius: As if I would believe the protestations of one such as you.
Qarr: Please! If I knew an ancient black dragon, would I be wasting my time on a second-stringer like you??? Now shush, I’m trying to Fast heal over here.
Vaarsuvius: Forcecage!
Ancient Black Dragon: Very good, and excellent choice. I am quite confined for about a day, while you are free to escape and replenish your 6th and 7th level spells. You are as skilled as my information led me to believe. I must at admit. I too have a passion for the arcane arts…even moreso than the others of my kind. I am curious however…what would happen if we turned the magic off? Anti-magic field. Fascinating. It appears that you cease to be a mighty wizard and become a fragile pointy-eared monkey. While I? I am still a dragon.
<sfx> CRACKKKK!

Spoiler: Strip 628

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Every Parent's Worst Nightmare
Ancient Black Dragon, Vaarsuvius, Oracle

Ancient Black Dragon: Now that we have established who is in control here, we are going to have a little chat, you and I. Do you know who I am, Vaarsuvius?
Vaarsuvius: Unnnh…I am…beginning to suspect. You are the second dragon from the Starmetal Cave…the older one, who enshrined the meteor in the first place.
Ancient Black Dragon: Again, very good. All that trance-deprivation may have ruined your aim, but not your deductive reasoning. And do you know why I am here?
Vaarsuvius: …To retrieve the starmetal?
Ancient Black Dragon: Ah, yes, because that is what we dragons are to you, right? Monsters that hoard shiny baubles? I assure you, I do not give a damn about a chunk of metal no bigger than a field mouse.
Vaarsuvius: I see. Then it is revenge that you seek.
Ancient Black Dragon: Yes. I am going to tell you a story, because I require that you understand what will happen next.
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> I left my son – my only child – alone to guard our home for a few months while I visited his uncle. He was olde enough to be by himself, and I thougth he might appreciate the responsibility. I told him not to have any wild parties while I was gone, but I expected that he would have some friends over. Perhaps that nice green dragon girls from the next woods over. I try to be open-mined you, know. When I returned, do you know what I found?
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: NOTHING! My son was gone, along with out hoard! I later found out his very ashes had dissolved into the swamp. I had nothing left of him! And he himself was all that I had left of his father, who was lost to adventurers just like you–his skin made into armor for the party leader to wear.
Vaarsuvius: How did you–
Ancient Black Dragon: How did I discover that it had been you that killed my boy?
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> My people have an Oracle, given to us by our goddess.
Oracle: I apologise for the delay, Madam. Had to banish a human ghost who just wouldn’t leave. Thinks the whole campaign revolves around him.
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: Once he provided your name, scrying on you was simple enough. Your zeal to find your missing comrades has led you to forget to shield yourself from your enemies. Or were you so arrogant as to assume that you had not made any enemies? Probably that.
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> At first, you were too well-protected: A bard, a cleric of Thor, two paladins…even a ninja. All high level. I might have prevailed had I attacked the fleet, but I did not want to take risks. I only had one chance at surprise. I decided to wait and watch, to study your habits and those of your allies. Imagine my surprise when you separated yourself from them of your own volition.
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: It was then that I know that I only needed to wait until something caused you to expend all of your high-level spells. Something like your spat with the imp. And here we are.
Vaarsuvius: So now, you will execute me? For killing your offspring? Very well, I deny nothing and shall not give you the satisfaction of begging for–
Ancient Black Dragon: No. Why would I explain all of this if I was just going to kill you? No, now…Now I will kill your children.

Spoiler: Strip 629

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One Chance
Ancient Black Dragon, Green Haired Child, Red Haired Child, Inkyrius, Vaarsuvius

Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> You have two children, both age 26, left in the care of your mate, in the village of Ivyleaf, in the northern reaches of the Elven Homeland. Your cottage is tan with red shutters. I have been there twice already, invisibly…studying it.
Red Haired Child: <Parent, do you think Other Parent will be returning home soon?>*
<text> *Translated from Elven.
Inkyrius: <I’m not sure, Loved One. I think one of these years certainly.>
Red Haired Child: <I hope so, I made a picture fo Other Parent from glitter and macaroni. I would very much like to present it.>
Green Haired Child: <I helped!>
Red Haired Child: <Did not!>
Inkyrius: <Oh, that is beautiful! I am sure it will be well received when your Other Parent finishes mastering the ways fo magic and comes home. Now go wash up, both of you. Lunch is ready.>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> They should be home from kindergarten by now, don’t you think?
<cutway>
Ancient Black Dragon: When I am done speaking, I am going to teleport directly there, and then I will eat them alive. Slowly. Feet-first. I will then bind their souls to me with two necromantic scrolls that I acquired for this purpose. And I will disappear. I will leave this plane of existence, and you will never find me. I tell you all of this because it is not enough for me to simply kill you. You have taken my baby from em. I demand that you suffer the full measure of pain that I feel. As a parent, I am sure you understand.
Vaarsuvius: No! You monstrous–
Ancient Black Dragon: Your struggles are meaningless. If you had any power to stop me, you would have already used it. Without your magic, you are nothing. With your magic…you are still less than I am. Humanoids. You think that just because my kind has stats fro every stage of growth, it si perfectly acceptable to murder our children. Let us see how much XP your brood is worth, shall we? It will only take a few minutes. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go all the way and skin your mate alive for a garment. Perhaps a hat. Dismiss Anti-magic Field.
Vaarsuvius: You shall not depart this place! Dimensional Anchor!
Ancient Black Dragon: Your aim really is terrible these days, isn’t it? Greater Teleport.
<sfx> POP!
Vaarsuvius: AAAAARGH!!!!!

Spoiler: Strip 630

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Shoot the Messenger
Vaarsuvius, Qarr, Lien, Inkyrius

Vaarsuvius: No. NO! I cannot allow my power to fail me again. If arcane magic cannot solve a problem such as this, then I should never have left my family in order to seek it out…and this would never have happened. There must be a solution, I simply need to concentrate to find it.
Qarr: Wow, that came out of the blue, huh? “What a tweest!”
Vaarsuvius: SILENCE! I am attempting to focus my thoughts, you worthless cretin! It is like thinking through quicksand…
Qarr: Hey, hey, calm down. Listen, for what it’s worth, I’m on your side here. Let me help. Free of charge.
Vaarsuvius: Why? What are your motives for doing so?
Qarr: If I told you my motives and they were not to your liking, would you have the luxury of rejecting any help then that I could offer?
Vaarsuvius: …No, I suppose I would not. Very well, then teleport me to the Elven Homelands, to the tower of Master Aarindarius, the elf who taught me magic. Dispel Magic.
Qarr: Now hold on, I can only–
Vaarsuvius: I have freed you from my abjuration, now teleport me to my master’s tower NOW!
Qarr: HEY! Listen to me! I can’t DO that! I’m ony capable of teleporting myself and 50 pounds of unliving material!
Vaarsuvius: …Then you shall relay a message instead, since I did not prepare Sending this morning.
<cutaway>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> No, wait, Aarindarius would never believe a fiend, even if you could penetrate the tower’s spell defenses.
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for – AAAAH!!!
Qarr: <voiceover> What about your pals on the boat.
<cutover>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> Even less likely, given that they have legitimate grievances against you, specifically.
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for – AAAAH!!!
Lien: SMITE EVIL! Ha! Lord Hinjo, I found the imp!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: At any rate, they do not possess the ability to intercept the dragon.
Qarr: Really? It said it was worried about attacking the fleet…
Vaarsuvius: Yes, and the fleet remains hundreds fo miles away from my home village! They have no means of arriving in time.
Qarr: How long do you think your mate could hold off an ancient black dragon? If I managed to beat her there and raise the alarm?
Vaarsuvius: My mate? My MATE?!? My mate is an apprentice baker, you moron!
<cutaway>
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for –
Inkyrius: AAAAH!!!
Vaarsuvius: What possible preparations could a pastry chef make to increase their chances of fighting a dragon?!?
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> I know, you could relay knowledge of the secret gap in the dragon’s underbelly scales that is the exact siza and shape of a banana nut muffin!
Qarr: Yah, OK, good, and then your mate could throw the –
Vaarsuvius: THERE IS NO SUCH GAP!
Qarr: Well, excuse me, I didn’t get as close a look as you did. Yeesh.

Spoiler: Strip 631

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Who Doesn't Get Ten of These a Week?
Qarr, Vaarsuvius

Qarr: OK, what if we concentrate on finding the dragon AFTER it’s left this plane of existence? To get your kids’ souls back?
Vaarsuvius: Recent experiences have left me unconvinced that divinations are accurate enough to warrant doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING while my FAMILY DIES! Begone from here, imp! You are wasting previous time if you cannot give me what I require. Perhaps my books…
Qarr: Oh, right, because I can just wave my fairy wand and POOF, you can teleport. Sure, I’ll get right on that, Mr. Elf, sir.
Vaarsuvius: Is that not what tempters of your ilk do? Provide those willing to bargain with any extranormal abilities they may require?
Qarr: What…like a literal sell-your-soul sort of thing?
Vaarsuvius: YES! You are a devil, and I require power, NOW! Do you understand? I cannot fail again!
Qarr: Whoa, buggy, I’m an imp. That sort of thing is way above my pay grade!
Vaarsuvius: Then what were you offering to me just a few minutes ago?
Qarr: I had some tips on using evil spell components that I was hoping to trade for helping me find some evil chalice that my supervisor won’t shut up about. If I happened to nudge you towards doing some evil in the process, hey, bonus points for me. I mean, an honest-to-evilness Faustian Deal…I’d have to contact the home office.
Vaarsuvius: Then do it! Do what you must quickly, every moment we converse reduces my chances of success.
Qarr: Look, I’ll put in a request for an application, but you have to understand that they only approve one or two of these things in a century. I applied on behalf of Kubota eight times, and all I ever got back was a form letter. “We regret to inform you that your application on behalf of Daimyo Kubota of Azure City has been rejected due to insufficient projected returns on our initial investment.” Now, it’ll probably tak them about an hour to get back to me with the paperwork.
Vaarsuvius: An hour?!? My adopted progeny will be long dead by then, imp!
Qarr: …And it’s probably a good time to mention that the application is 666 pages long.
Vaarsuvius: I cannot…I cannot believe this. Even if the dragon takes time to gloat – which I fully expect – we may already be too –
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Huh. That’s weird.
Vaarsuvius: What is that? Is that the application form?
Qarr: Not exactly
<letter text> IFCC, 9 Hells Plaza, Lower Planes 00999. FIRST-CLASS INTERPLANAR POSTAGE PERMIT #13. You’ve been Pre-approved! An Exclusive Offer for: Vaarsuvius, Tiny Island, Ocean, Mortal Plane, 00001. NO interest! NO annual fee! NO fine print!

Spoiler: Strip 632

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My Three Fiends
Qarr, Vaarsuvius, Lee, Cedrik, Nero

Qarr: I don’t understand, I’ve never seen one of these before.
Vaarsuvius: Open it! Open it NOW!
Lee: Greetings!
Cedrik: Salutations!
Nero: I just transferred my consciousness from the lower planes, and boy, are my arms tired!
Qarr: Wait, who are you? You’re not my regular supervisors.
Lee: Yes, we got special permission to intercede on this account.
Cedrik: We’re the Inter-Fiend Cooperation Commission.
Nero: A community-based grassroots organization dedicated to building bridges between the diabolic, daemonic, and demonic populations.
<card text> LEE. Director IFCC.
<card text> NERO. Director IFCC.
<card text> CEDRIK. Director IFCC.
Qarr: Huh, I’ve never heard of you.
Lee: Not surprising, we’re still pretty new. Out PR campaign is still waititn on final approval:
Cedrik: Our slogan is “Blood War, Huh, Who Is It Good for?”
Nero: Good gods, y’all!
Vaarsuvius: Cease your babbling all of you! Give me what I require NOW! There is no time left!
Lee: Relax, mortal.
Cedrik: An advanced Time Stop effect covered this island the moment the envelope was opened.
Nero: We don’t like being rushed when making a deal.
Vaarsuvius: …If time is stopped…then I may have additional options! I must prepare to –
Lee: Believe me, elf, there are no preparations that you could make that would trump what we can offer you:
Cedrik: Magical power beyond your wildest imaginings!*
Nero: *Based on typical wild imaginings of previous customers matching your demographic profile. Additional terms and restrictions may apply.

Spoiler: Strip 633

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Where Do You See Yourself in Five Million Years?
Vaarsuvius, Lee, Cedrik, Nero, Jephton

Vaarsuvius: You have the means and the willingness to give me what I need to save my children?
Lee: “Give”? No. Do we look like socialists?
Cedrik: We offer a trade of one good for one service.
Nero: Obviously, you have the good. Or the neutral, as the case may be.
Cedrik: Each of us has the power, as duly appointed representatives of our respective planar domains, to initiate a procedure known as a sould splice.
Nero: Don’t bother looking it up, it’s a special once-a-century deal.
Lee: It allows us to graft one of the souls that have been damned to our Lower Plane directly to the soul fo a living mortal – allowing that mortal to access all of the arcane powers that the damned soul held when alive.
Cedrik: As a special limited-time offer, we propose for all three of us to splice your soul at the same time.
Nero: Binding the three most powerful evil mages whose soul we command to your own.
Lee: Their epic spells should compliment your own spellcasting deficits most superbly.
Cedrik: Ganonron, Terror of a Thousand Planes! A conjurer who teleported vast armies to conquer world after world.
Nero: Haerta Bloodsoak, Destoryer of Hope! A necromancer who casually ended lives with but a thought.
Lee: Jephton the Unholy, Spawn of Hatred! A sorcerer-archamage, master of arcane flexibility!
Jephton: I don’t need to prepare spell slots!
Nero: The amount of raw energy from your four combined souls would dwarf that wielded by any mortal arcane spellcaster who has ever lived.
Lee: Because never before have all three races fo fiend cooperated in order to bring this about.
Cedrik: This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity…and the lifetime in question is that of the entire multiverse.
Vaarsuvius: …I have a few inquiries.
Nero: As is only natural.
Vaarsuvius: How long does this “splice” last?
Lee: For as long as you can hold onto it. The greater your willpower, the longer the ride.
Cedrik: A few minutes, a few hours…maybe even a few days? I’m sure someone of yoru unimpeachable mental fortitude could make it last for weeks if need be.
Vaarsuvius: And my sould will remain in complete control of this gestalt entity for the entire duration?
Nero: Oh, definitely.
Cedrik: You would be the final word, on what got done, how, and when.
Lee: Complete control of the other three.
Vaarsuvius: And for this, you would have eternal dominion over my immortal soul once I died?
Nero: What? No! No, no, no!
Lee: How would that be fair?
Cedrik: No, all we ask for is an even trade.
Nero: Each one of us will get your sould for the saem amount of time that you are under the effects of their Soul Splice.
Lee: So, maintain all three splices for an hour, your soul spends one hour with me, then one hour each with my two associates.
Cedrik: Exact order of custody to be determined at a later point.
Vaarsuvius: Then if the deal is fair – a factof which I remain skeptical – then why would you agree to this? What possible benefit would you derive from helping me?
Nero: In this case, helping is its own reward.
Cedrik: You’re our proof-of-concept.
Lee: Can archfiends from three different fiendish races work together?
Nero: Your actual situation is more or less irrelevant to us. We were just waiting for the next request to come down the line.
Lee: As we said to the imp, we’re still a pretty new organization. Almost experimental, you might say.
Cedrik: If we succeed in this fairly textbook temptation by offerin services greater than any one of us could provide by themselves, then we can request greater funding and support from the higher-ups. Or lower-downs, in this case.
Nero: And when the devils, daemons and demons unite under our commission’s logo someday, we will storm the gates of the Upper Planes and lay waste to all that is pure and holy.
Lee: The cries of the slaughter will echo across the firmament, briefly, before they are silenced by the claws fo our bretheren!
Cedrik: The blood of angels will flow like rivers, and we will gather around great dispensers of it to discuss the previous evening’s televised entertainment!
Nero: But, y’know, that’s more of a long-term goal.
Lee: One action item at a time. Don’t put the hellcart before the demon-horse, my dad always says!

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 634 to 651
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
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Spoiler: Strip 634

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The Wrong Reasons
Nero, Lee, Cedrik, Qarr, Vaarsuvius

Nero: Also, the Soul Splices do have a few…let’s say “functional limitations” you should know about.
Lee: First, you won’t be able to duplicate any divine magic, not even with a Wish or Limited Wish.
Cedrik: It’s part of our non-complete clause with the evil gods.
Nero: Second, any spell you cast with an ongoing duration will end when the splices expire.
Lee: So if you kill someone, they stay dead.
Cedrik: But if you make a Prismatic Sphere, it will vanish when the whole thing ends.
Nero: And third, you won’t get any XP from anything you defeat while you’re spliced.
Lee: Well you could, technically, but your effective level would be so high that it’s pretty unlikely.
Nero: Nitpicker.
Cedrik: Though on the plus side, the rejuvenating effects of the Soul Splice will allow you to start with all spell slots fully replenished.
Nero: And that’s basically it. If you accept the deal that we’ve outlined verbally, touch the blue orb.
Lee: If you don’t, touch the red orb.
Cedrik: (We totally cribbed this idea from “The Matrix”.)
Qarr: Whoa
Vaarsuvius: No elaborate contract to sign in my blood? No miniscule print containing crucial exceptions?
Lee: Passe.
Nero: Contracts are for people who have something to hide.
Cedrik: We simply don’t need to trick you if we can get what we want by playing it straight.
Vaarsuvius: Very well. I have no taste for submitting myself to your dark clutches, but I see no alternative for such. The brief time my sould will spend being tortured in your collective care after my eventual death will be easily forgotten afterwards, when I proceed to my final rest. As there is not even one other way available to me to save the lives – nay, the very souls – of my children, I must, as a parent, make this deep sacrifice and accept your accursed bargain.
Lee: well…that’s not technically true. There is another way to save them.
Vaarsuvius: What?!?
Nero: Excuse me???
Cedrik: Hey, uh, can we all get on the same page here?
Lee: You could kil youtself.
Nero: Oh, I see!
Cedrik: True, that would work.
Qarr: I am so confused here.
<cutaway>
Lee: <voiceover> The imp has agreed to serve you in this matter, and as a Lawful creature, he can’t go back on that promise.
Nero: <voiceover> So you could slive your own throat, after giving the imp orders to cut your head off afterward.
Cedrik: <voiceover> As you head weighs a lot less than 50 pounds, the imp could carry your head while teleporting back to the Azure City Fleet. So even if the Paladins kill the imp on sight, they then have your head in front of them, see?
Lee: <voiceover> They’ll Resurrect you right away, and then you can describe your master, Aarindarius, in enough detail for the dwarf to cast Sending to him.
Nero: <voiceover> Don’t worry about the casting time, your friend has been saving a scroll for just such an emergency. Your master could then intercede against the dragon–
Cedrik: <voiceover> –if not before your family’s demise, then certainly before she has had enough time to bind their souls and leave–
Lee: <voiceover> –all without owing us a damn thing.
<cutback>
Lee: But…But then you would have to admit your magic had failed you yet again.
Cedrik: That a cleric and a monster had to run and tell Master to come clean up your mess.
Nero: Hell, you couldn’t even claim to have come up with this idea, since we just gave it to you!
Cedrik: So, you know, it’s your choice.
Nero: Because this whole “sell your soul” thing? 100% your idea.
Lee: We’re just service providers.
Cedrik: Although, as a provider, I would be remiss not to warn you that the Soul Splice has been known to trigger feelings of pure omnipotence.
Nero: You may also experience some slight dizziness from the rush of unprecedented arcane power.
Lee: We won’t tell anyone there was another way to save your children if you don’t.
Cedrik: A lot to think about.
Lee: No pressure.
Nero: Though we should mention that the Time Stop wears off in four…three…two…
Vaarsuvius: I…I must succeed.

Spoiler: Strip 635

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I See a Red Robe and I Want to Paint it Black
Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Cedrik, Lee, Nero, Qarr, Choir

Vaarsuvius: Ha ha HA ha HA HA ha HA ha!
<undecipherable text>
Ganonron: Crush the world beneath your heel.
Haerta: Destroy everyone who has ever slighted you.
Jephton: Tear down creation just to see if you can.
Vaarsuvius: Wait…why am I laughing? I don’t…the voices…
Ganonron: Kill anything beautiful.
Haerta: Take what you want.
Jephton: Desecrate everything.
Cedrik: You may be experiencing some feedback. You know, alignment-wise.
Lee: Do not let them influence your actions! YOU are the one in control!
Nero: Now go, and save your family!
Ganonron: Punish the dragon-bitch.
Haerta: Make her suffer.
Jephton: Make her suffering exquisite.
Vaarsuvius: Yes…I will go now. Greater Teleport.
<sfx> pop!
Nero: Well, that went fairly well.
Lee: Everything is coming together quite nicely.
Cedrik: Yes, we’ve certainly thrown our chips in the pot now, haven’t we?
Qarr: That was just…that was like a master class in temptation. I’m in awe. Just one question: What’s the deal with that music?
Nero: Oh, that? That’s just the choir of dead pedophiles.
Lee: We snip ‘em fresh every morning so they keep that high pitch.
Cedrik: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn’t the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the background.
Choir: <singing> Bunkus! Nonsuch! Gibberos! Gobbleygoos! Bunkus! Nonsuch! Gibberos! Gobbleygoos!

Spoiler: Strip 636

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Shattered, Shattered
Inkyrius , Ancient Black Dragon, Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Vaarsuvius

Inkyrius: <whispering> <Shhh…please, Little Ones, you must be quier. I know you are scared, but we must not draw the dark monster’s attention–>
Ancient Black Dragon: No…let them cry. It is not as if silence will cause me to let them go with just their broken legs.
Inkyrius: Please, we haven’t done–
Ancient Black Dragon: They might as well–
<sfx> POP!
Ancient Black Dragon: ???
Ganonron: Your doom is here.
Haerta: Your doom is here.
Jephton: Your doom is here.
Ancient Black Dragon: I do not know how you got off that island, elf, but I welcome your presence. It will be satisfying later to know that you were present for your family’s demise – and simply powerless to stop it. Anti-magic Field!
Vaarsuvius: Disjunction. Quickened Disintegrate.

Spoiler: Strip 637

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It Only Shows Reality Programming
Nero, Cedrik, Lee, Qarr, Vaarsuvius, Ancient Black Dragon

Nero: We should withdraw from these temporary bodies immediately.
Cedrik: Yes, I imagine that display could be sensed three planes away.
Lee: Let us retire to my domain.
Cedrik: Are you coming, Qarr?
Qarr: Who…me?
Nero: We couldn’t have done it without you.
Lee: Even if you still don’t know exactly what “it” really is.
Qarr: Yeah, OK…I’ll meet you down there. Plane Shift. So, if it’s OK to ask, how long have you three been keeping an eye on that elf?
Nero: What are you talking about?
Cedrik: She–
Lee: He? It?
Cedrik: –was just the next customer to come along?
Qarr: Yeah, and if you pull the other one, it plays Judas Priest. Come on. That rediculous alternate plan you dangled in front of her would have required a lot of observation to come up with. I mean, how would you have known there even WAS a dwarf on a boat somewhere, much less that he was saving a scroll? The elf may have been too tired and panicked to make sense of it all, but I wasn’t.
Nero: Very perceptive. We first became aware of Vaarsuvius from one of our agents –
Cedrik: –a succubus that has been working under Director Lee.
Lee: She has been keeping me abreast of some new opportunities in the world of mortals.
Nero: We’ll talk more about the specifics later, once we’ve gotten you settled into your new office.
Qarr: My–my new office??
Cedrik: We’re going to need go-getters like you if we’re ever going to make the IFCC’s dreams a reality.
Lee: Shhh, all of you! It’s getting good. I think that was a 10th-level spell slot that just got used.
Cedrik: Turn it up.
<sfx> pop pop pop
Vaarsuvius: Quickened Disintegrate.
Ancient Black Dragon: Did you…did you really think a Disintegrate spell would kill me??
Vaarsuvius: It was the spell you requested, was it not? Besides, I wanted you to experience what it felt like for your baby when I shredded him into a trillion lifeless specks of ash.
Qarr: Wow. Nice picture.
Lee: Thanks, It’s a blood plasma screen.
Nero: The “HD” stands for “Hell-Damned”.
Vaarsuvius: Incidentally, he mewled helplessly while I did so.

Spoiler: Strip 638

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A Dragon's Victory
Ancient Black Dragon, Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Vaarsuvius, Red Haired Child, Green Haired Child, Inkyrius , Qarr, Nero, Cedrik.

Ancient Black Dragon: New robes and a few new spells will not save you!
Ganonron: Dodge left!
Haerta: No, right!
Jephton: No –
Vaarsuvius: Nnnh!
Ancient Black Dragon: RAAARRRGH!!
Vaarsuvius: Time Stop.
Ganonron: Stopped.
Haerta: Frozen.
Jephton: Red light.
Vaarsuvius: Acid Immunity. Quickened Stoneskin. Mind Blank. Quickened Bear’s Endurance. Protection from Spells. Quickened Shield. Delayed Blast Fireball. Quickened Fire Shield.
Ganonron: Resume.
Haerta: Continue.
Jephton: Green light.
Ancient Black Dragon: Ahhhh!
Ganonron: Burn, lizard!
Haerta: Scorch yourself.
Jephton: Six attacks per round doesn’t seem like such a good idea, does it?
Red Haired Child: <Parent, who is that?>
Green Haired Child: <Have we been saved?>
Inkyrius: <I’m…not sure.>
Ancient Black Dragon: Finger of Death!
Ganonron: More like Finger of Failure!
Haerta: Hand of Helplessness!
Jephton: Pointer of Pointlessness!
Ancient Black Dragon: Silence! I will eat you ALIVE, flames or no flames!!
Ganonron: No!
Haerta: No!
Jephton: No!
Ancient Black Dragon: A. Whew. That was close. For a moment, I thought…I thought it had all been for nothing.
Ganonron: You know what comes next.
Haerta: The big finish.
Jephton: End her.
Vaarsuvius: Shhpshnsh.
<cutaway>
Qarr: What was that? I couldn’t understand.
Nero: I think he said…
Cedrik: “Shapechange.”
<cutback>
<sfx> SHHRLLRIPPP!!!

Spoiler: Strip 639

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If They Pull a Knife...
Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Vaarsuvius, Inkyrius , Green Haired Child, Ancient Black Dragon

Ganonron: Delicious.
Haerta: Tastes like chicken.
Jephton: Tastes like victory.
Ganonron: More!
Haerta: More!
Jephton:More!
Vaarsuvius: <Are your injuries or those of our children immediately life-threatening?> Telekinesis.
Inkyrius: <”Our” childre…Suvie?!? Is that you?? Great elven gods have mercy, what happened to you –?>
Vaarsuvius: <A yes or no will suffice.>
Inkyrius: <Uh, no…I suppose not, but–>
Vaarsuvius: <Good.>
Green Haired Child: <Parent, I’m–>
Inkyrius: <Shhhhh.>
Vaarsuvius: Because I am not done with the dragon.
Ganonron: The pain ended too soon.
Haerta: We have only begun to bring misery.
Jephton: There is still so much we can do.
Vaarsuvius: I concur. Create Greater Undead.
Ancient Black Dragon: What –? Where am I? I was with my son and husband…
Vaarsuvius: I assure you, you will see your kin again shortly.
Ancient Black Dragon: You–you reanimated my head?
Vaarsuvius: Had you simply attacked me, I would have left you dead. But you made the mistake of involving my family in our conflict. This leaves me with the task of ensuring that today’s events will never rise again to threaten them. One of my new friends has a special epic necromancy spell for just such an occasion as this.
Haerta: I do indeed.
Ganonron: Oooo, I can’t wait!
Jephton: This will be fun.
Vaarsuvius: She calls it – FAMILICIDE!
Haerta: FAMILICIDE!
Ancient Black Dragon: No! No, I surrender! Please!

Spoiler: Strip 640

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Madness
Ancient Black Dragon, Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Vaarsuvius, Qarr, Lee, Cedrik, Nero

Ancient Black Dragon: No…No!
Ganonron: Yes.
Haerta: Yes.
Jephton: Yes.
Vaarsuvius: Yes. Every living creature that directly shares your bloodline is dead. Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now. Given your kind’s low rate of reproduction, I estimate that I have eliminated approximately one-quarter of the black dragons on the planet.
Ganonron: A lot of unguarded threasure…
Haerta: They should melt it down and make a statue of you!
Jephton: Out of gratitude! And fear!
Ancient Black Dragon: You…you MONSTER!
Vaarsuvius: We are all in the Monster Manuel, are we not? My entry lies between Elemental and Etheral Filcher. Now no one will come to avenge your defeat. No one will lament your passing. Think about the fate you have brought upon your family as you suffer in the afterlife.
Ganonron: You started it anyway.
Haerta: Well, sort of.
Jephton: You started this part of it, at least.
Vaarsuvius: This–and no less–is the price fo threatening my family. Disintegrate.
Qarr: Wow…you guys weren’t kidding when you said the elf’s alignment might be affected.
<cutaway>
Lee: Actually…
Cedrik: …we were.
Lee: The truth is, those three souls have absolutely no power to alter the elf’s alignment or actions at all.
Cedrik: They have about as much effect on what the elf does as a cheerleader has on the final score of a game.
Nero: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they’re not responsible for their actions.
Cedrik: It’s like if you were at a party where someone has been drinking beer that they didn’t know was on-alcoholic. They might seem drunk any, simply because they were expecting it.
Nero: Geez, can you comeup with one similie that isn’t a thinly-disguised reference to your university days?
Cedrik: Sorry…I just always have my old college buddies on my mind at this time of year for some reason…

Spoiler: Strip 641

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For Every Action
Ganonron, Haerta, Jephton, Vaarsuvius, Inkyrius, Cedrik, Nero, Lee, Qarr

Ganonron: The danger has passed.
Haerta: We have much to do.
Jephton: Much left to consider.
Vaarsuvius: <I realize that there is much damage to repair, my love, but unfortunately my presence is required–>
Inkyrius: <STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM US!!!>
Ganonron: Look at the fear in their eyes.
Haerta: Have they ever looked at you that way?
Jephton: Will they ever look at you any other way now?
Vaarsuvius: ARRRGH!!!
Haerta: Freedom! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ganonron: The necromancer has left the building.
Jephton: It was fun while it lasted.
<cutback>
Cedrik: Ah, crap.
Nero: I’ll have to send someone out to collect the loose soul, I guess.
Lee: At least Haerta can’t cast spells without a mortal host.
Qarr: Wait, what just happened?
Lee: Holding on to a Soul Splice takes willpower, like we said.
Nero: Anything that shakes you up or suprises you has a chance to break yoru concentration and let one of the splices slip away.
Cedrik: I’m guessing the reaction from the innocent bystanders wasn’t quite what the elf was expecting.
Lee: Don’t worry, the other two splices are still holding, though Haerta was the most powerful of the three by a fair bit.
Cedrik: Which reminds me of a wager.
Nero: Yeah, yeah. I owe you ten soul pieces.
<cutback>
Ganonron: You know, I would work with her again.
Jephton: Oh, definitely. A real professional.
Inkyrius: <Leave my mate’s body, demons, and begon! I don’t know exactly what you have done to my Vaarsuvius–>
Vaarsuvius: <No, Kyrie. It is I. I am your Vaarsuvius.>
Ganonron: Such soft flesh.
Jephton: I wonder what it tastes like.
Inkyrius: <…No, not MY Vaarsuvius. Who did this to you?>
Vaarsuvius: <No one, I did this to myself, so that I might vanquish the dragon.>
Inkyrius: <To yourself? You – what did you do??>
Vaarsuvius: <I negotiated an exchange with three gentlemen from…other planes of existance.>
Inkyrius: <Which planes?>
Vaarsuvius: <Elvish> …Those in the ventral position.
Inkyrius: <YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL TO FIENDS???>
Ganonron: Willingly!
Jephton: Willfully!
Vaarsuvius: <Technically, it is more of a fixed-term lease with an occupancy date yet to be determined!>

Spoiler: Strip 642

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Choice
Ganonron, Jephton, Inkyrius: , Vaarsuvius, Green Haired Child, Red Haired Child

Ganonron: We are wasting time.
Jephton: There is so much more destruction to wreak.
Inkyrius: How could you do – Is this what you were looking for? Is this the “ultimate arcane power” that you needed so badly? Is this why you left me alone to raise our children for six years? So you could turn yourself into THIS?
Ganonron: Burn it!
Jephton: No, snap its neck!
Vaarsuvius: No, Inkyrius, you do not understand –
Inkyrius: I believe I understand just fine, thanks. I simply thought that I had some sort fo say in what happened to your soul. I apologise for the presumption.
Ganonron: Insolent!
Jephton: No one speaks to you like that!
Vaarsuvius: You stubborn FOOL! Do you know–
Green Haired Child: Aaaaaaa!
Red Haired Child: Eeeeeek!
Vaarsuvius: …Do you have any idea what that dragon was going to do to our children? I…I had no choice! Besides which, my soul is only forfeit for a duration equal to the time which I retain these powers!
Inkyrius: You are right. I have no idea what transpired. You may well have made the only choice possible to save us. I thank you. If it is as you say then, why do you still hold this power, now that the danger has passed? Would it not be prudent to limit your debt to these fiends as much as possible?
Vaarsuvius: …What?
Ganonron: No!
Jephton: Don’t do it!
Inkyrius: If you had no choice, then give up the power. Now. Before casting even one more damned cantrip.
Vaarsuvius: But I still need to find –
Inkyrius: No. NO. If you did this terrible thing to yourself out of no motive but concern for us, then end this right now. And we will work through whatever may come next together. As a family. But I think we both know that this? This thing that you’ve become? This is what you have always really wanted. More than you ever wanted me.
Ganonron: We have many spells remaining.
Jephton: Think of how much we can do!
Vaarsuvius: I am…sorry. I still need to fix everything. Greater Teleport.
<sfx> pop!

Spoiler: Strip 643

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A Wizard Did It
Daigo, Kazumi, Ganonron, Jephton, Vaarsuvius

Daigo: Honey! I’m home!
Kazumi: Hey there, brave explorer. How goes the brave exploring today?
Daigo: Eh, pretty crappy. I mean, the island wasn’t full of rampaging orcs or anything. That sort of thing only seemed to happen when Elan was with us. But it was pretty tiny. We definitely couldn’t settle all of the refugees on – GAH!!
<sfx> POP!
Kazumi: Holy $#!&!
Ganonron: We arrive.
Jephton: We are here.
Vaarsuvius: Where is Durkon? His cabin is empty.
Daigo: Vaarsuvius? Is that you??
Vaarsuvius: Of course. Why does everyone keep asking that?
Daigo: Uh, well, you changed your hair. And your teeth.
Kazumi: And your speech balloons.
Vaarsuvius: Bah! Physical appearances little to me. Now answer the question: Where is Durkon? And the bard, for that matter?
Ganonron: Don’t worry about it.
Jephton: We think you look good in black.
Kazumi: They’re not here.
Daigo: We were just discussing our search for a place to settle while we –
Vaarsuvius: No! No, I shall not tolerate one more insipid conversation about your petty tactical necessities.
Ganonron: Silence the banality!
Jephton: Stop the madness!
Vaarsuvius: This ends now.
Daigo: No! Stay back!
Jephton: Do it.
Ganonron: I have just the spell.
Vaarsuvius: Epic Teleport!
Ganonron: Epic Teleport!
<sfx> pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop!
<cutaway>
<sfx> pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop!
Daigo: What the hell? Did you just move the entire fleet? Where are we?
Vaarsuvius: At a large island a few dozen kilometers from the Western Continent. You will find an abundance of edible vegitation and several unoccupied fortifications. This was the site fo an elven settlement for many centuries before budget cuts forced my people to withdraw from it. My parents took me camping here once. I loathed it. I imagine that a few monsters may have moved in by now, but nothing a few low-level peons such as yourself could not handle.
Daigo: Vaarsuvius, I don’t – I don’t know what to say!
Vaarsuvius: Then say nothing, simpleton! I only brought you here so that you would have no possible reason to speak of this subject near me EVER AGAIN!
Ganonron: Zip it!
Jephton: Speak, and be silenced!
Vaarsuvius: Now, if Durkon and Elan are not here, then tell me where they are.
Kazumi: We don’t know, exactly.
Daigo: We haven’t seen them in days.
Vaarsuvius: I had hoped they would bear witness to the final triumph of arcane power over our long-standing conundrum, as they had so often scoffed. But I can wait no longer.
Ganonron: So much to kill.
Jephton: So little time.
Vaarsuvius: The time has come at last to peel back the shroud that has obscured my mystic vision for so long. With the unrivaled power that I now possess, no secret shall remain hidden!
Ganonron: Take what you need.
Jephton: Rip it from the cosmos!
Vaarsuvius: For now, it is MY hand that will shatter the barrier that has prevented me from locating Haley Starshine, for I shall wrest the knowledge from the–
Kazumi: She’s in Greysky City.
Vaarsuvius: What. Did you. Say?
Kazumi: She called Durkon with a Sending spell, like, days ago.
Daigo: That’s why they left the fleet. He got a second Sending right before he left, saying that she was staying at the Thieves’ Guild.
Kazumi: Ooo! I wrote down the address! Here we go: 247 Back Alley Road, third floor, second door on the–
Vaarsuvius: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!!!
Ganonron: KILL!
Jephton: KILL!

Spoiler: Strip 644

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An Unsung Legend
Daigo, Kazumi, Soldier

<sfx> POP!
Daigo: Well, that was weird.
Kazumi: I’m glad we could help.
Daigo: I guess I should go help Hinjo scout that new island.
Kazumi: It can wait a few minutes. ‘Cause Daddy is home just in time to hear me read to you from the Book of Odad, isn’t he? “In the beginning, there was war.
<cutaway>
Kazumi: <voiceover> "Constant war, on many battlefields between many armies. War without purpose, for purpose had not yet been invented.
Soldier: *sigh*
Kazumi: “And the Creator of the Game looked down upon the troops and saw that they were fun, but be more fun. He fathered together his companions and said, ‘Lo, each of you shall command but one figure, which shall be called thy character.’ And his companions said, ‘What, like, each figure represents a whole platoon?’ The Creator responded, ‘No, no, it’s just one person. You control one person, and decide everything that he or she does.’ But they said ‘Woe is us! For how are we to enact a large scale land battle with but one person each? We are but a handful!’ To which the Creator said, ‘Look, we’re not doing a big battle, OK? This is something new. Just – just trust me, guys. It’ll be fun.’ And the Creator reached out and fashioned the first world, which he called Blackmoor. And it was fun. From that world, others arose over the years, each one created in its image – but also unique. Dozens, then hundreds, then thousands – including this one.”
<cutback
Kazumi: So you see, you and I and your daddy and our friends Elan and Durkon and even the nice scare Elf who just helped us are all here because of one guy’s original idea. Pretty cool, huh?
Daigo: I dunno…I think it would have been sweet if I had been an entire platoon.
Kazumi: Daigo.
Daigo: I mean, I’d get, like, 50 attacks per round!
Kazumi: Daigo!
Daigo: And if we were BOTH platoons, we could get 50 simultaneous –
Kazumi: DAIGO!
<panel text> Dave Arneson, 1947 – 2009

Spoiler: Strip 645

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It's Where the Cool Kids Swim
Haley, Belkar, Golem, Crystal, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton

Haley: Well THAT was unreasonably complicated.
Belkar: Are you kidding? That was awesome!
Golem: Rrrrarr!
Belkar: It was like “Frankenstein vs. Tiny Chuck Norris,” starring me. And I ain’t Boris Karloff.
Crystal:I’m gonna go take a showe, I’ve got golem scuzz all over me. Hey, Starshine, if you’re gonna wash off, too, I can lend you my knife to shave your legs and ‘pits. ‘Cause it’s proven so good at cutting your hair, I mean. Ha ha ha!
Haley: I hate that bitch so much.
Belkar: I wonder if we could get the scene of us rescuing Roy’s corpse added in as bonus content to the next book?
Haley: Come on, we can stash the golem in my room, I should go tell the Fairy Queen that we’re back.
<sign text> IN CASE OF FIRE Use Stairs for Looting. Safety a Close Second!
Haley: Vaarsuvius! You’re alive!
Vaarsuvius: Yes.
Belkar: Well it’s about friggin’ time.
Vaarsuvius: That as well.
Haley: Geez, look ar you! And here I thougth everyone would fixate on how different *I* look!
Ganonron: Unhand us!
Jephton: Destroy! DESTROY!
Haley: Wait a minute…dark robes, glowing eyes, strange whispers in yoru ear...holy crap, you went evil, didn’t you???
Vaarsuvius: What? No! What, praytell, makes you think that?
Ganonron: Darkness runs through our veins!
Jephton: Hatred empowers us!
Haley: Oh my gods, you did! You’re like Darth Vaarsuvius or something.
Ganonron: Tell her nothing.
Jephton: Remember how your mate acted?
Vaarsuvius: No, uh, this is simply…a temporary visual effet as a, uh, as a result of a–
Belkar: Hey, leave the elf alone! What, you think just because someone changes their clothes or hair, they changed their alignment? That’s pretty narrow-minded of you, Haley. I mean, what if everyone thought YOU were evil when you were wearing your “dark and edgy” Resistance Leader armor?
Haley: Actually, Belkar…you’re right. (Wow, that felt weird to say.) I’m sorry, V, it was probably just the shock of seeing you so suddenly.
Vaarsuivius: Think nothing of it. It was an easy mistake to make.
Ganonron: You shall be spared.
Jephton: This time.
Haley: Stay there, I’ve got to go get Celia.
Belkar: Welcome to the deep end of the alignment pool, pal.
<sfx> wink!
Ganonron: You know, I like the cut fo his jib.
Jephton: Definitely.

Spoiler: Strip 646

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...And It Feels So Good
Roy, Celia, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton, Haley, (1.67x10^15)Q, Durkon, Elan

Roy: Oh, man, it’s true! YES!
Celia: Vaarsuvius! It’s good to see you again.
Vaarsuvius: I have no feelings on viewing you. You are largely irrelevant.
Ganonron: Not important.
Jephton: Beneath us.
Haley: Gods, have I missed you.
Roy: This is awesome. Now we just need to get back to– Wait. Who the hell are you guys, and why are you magically shackled to my friend?
Ganonron: Us? We’re…uh…we’re…
Jephton: Subcontractors. Your friend is simply outsourcing all conjuration and sorcery needs for this project. You would be surprised how common that sort of thing is these days.
<cutaway>
(1.67x10^15)Q: Thank you for calling the Pandemonium customer service center. My name is (1.67x10^15)Q, how may I be of assistance?
<cutback>
Ganonron: Nice cover.
Jephton: Bluff is a sorcerer class skill.
Haley: –and even though he’s still a bone golem, at least we have his body here now.
Vaarsuvius: Then I shall now locate the last two remaining members of our fellowship and teleport ourselves to their location.
Haley: You can do that?
Vaarsuvius: I can enact far greater feats of arcane agility than I could when you last laid eyes upon me. My magical energy is currently nigh-unstoppable! Witness, now, as I use my incredible powers to at long last reunite the Order of the–
Durkon: Hullo?
(D): Hello?
Elan: Haley!
Haley: Elan! Oh my gods!
Elan: I missed you so much!
Haley: I thought…I thought you were…
Vaarsuvius: NOT AGAIN!
Ganonron: KILL!
Jephton: KILL!
Belkar: Hey, I’m not a fan of the mushy stuff either, but try to keep it in perspective.

Spoiler: Strip 647

Show

Be Prepared
Elan, Haley, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton, Celia, Belkar

Elan: I like your hair.
Haley: Really?
Elan: Oh, definitely! Appearance changes after a period of time has passed are a great way to provide narrative distance from earlier events.
Haley: Heh, yeah…I half expected you to have grown a beard or something.
Elan: I had an eyepatch, but Hinjo took it away.
Durkon: I thought ye probably weren’t comin’ back, Vaarsuvius.
(D): I thought you probably weren’t coming back, Vaarsuvius.
Vaarsuvius: Technically, you have arrived at my location, rather than the reverse. What I demand to know is how you have done so with such alacrity.
Ganonron: Tell us, dwarf!
Jephton: Now!
<flashback>
Elan: Woooooo! Wind Walk is the best cleric spell ever!!!
Durkon: Dinnae look down, dinnae look down, dinnae look down…
(D): Don’t look down, don’t look down, don’t look down…
<end flashback>
Haley: Hey Durkon, can we get some quick healing? Belkar and I are a bit scuffed up from getting Roy back.
Vaarsuvius: I suppose I, too, could use some restorative conjurative conjura–
Elan: Oooo! Oooo! Let me, Durkon! Let me! Mass Cure Light Wounds!
Haley: What the– ? Elan, you leaned how to heal???
Belkar: Let’s split up for another year, maybe he’ll finally master basic multiplication.
Ganonron: Zing!
Jephton: Ha ha!
Elan: Yeah, I finally leveled up yesterday, so I decided to take a bard level instead of the next level in Dashing Swordsman. I picked Greater Dispel Magic and Mass Cure Light wounds as my new 5th-level spells. I know it doesn’t cure much per person, but eventually I’m thinking of swapping one of my current 4th level spells for Cure Critical Wounds.
Haley: Wow, that’s…that’s very…planned…of you, Elan.
Celia: Wait, didn’t you get a new 4th level spell at this level, too?
Elan: Oh, I did, but I needed to use it on something more important.
Haley: Another illusion spell?
Elan: Neutralize Poison, actually. It’s sort of a long story about a ninja, so I’ll tell you later. I don’t want to miss one moment of the happy reunion!
Durkon: …
Belkar: So. Still unstylishly bearded, I see.
Elan: You know what? Never mind. I’ll tell you now:
Belkar: Embrace change! Somewhere, deep inside you, there’s a chin yearning to break free!

Spoiler: Strip 648

Show

A Dish Best Served With +1d6 Cold Damage
Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy, Jenny, Crystal, Celia

Elan: OK, so, it started at Daigo and Kazumi’s wedding.
Haley: Kaigo and Dazumi? Who the heck are they?
Vaarsuvius: No. No! As tedious as it was to live through many of these events, I shall not suffer a recounting of them.
Elan: Hey, just because YOU don’t care about something doesn’t mean that no one else does.
Vaarsuvius: The period during which I can teleport is limited, so unless you would like to swim to the Western Continent, I suggest we table your reiteration.
Ganonron: Put a sock in it.
Jephton: Tell her off-panel!
Haley: Wait, we’re teleporting out? Right now? Hold on, I need to get something really important.
Belkar: Yeah, me too!
Vaarsuvius: What– my boundless magical proficiency is not a taxi, to be left idling while–
Ganonron: Take your time.
Jephton: Meter’s running.
Belkar: Mr. Scruffy! Mr. Scruffy, come on, we’re leaving this dump.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow!
Jenny: Belkie? You’re leaving? Just like that?
Belkar: Just like that. Don’t get clingy, OK?
Jenny: Hey – if you’re ever back in town, will you look me up?
Belkar: Well, I would, but I don’t remember your name now.
<sfx> knock knock! knock knock! knock knock!
Crystal: OK, OK, hold on! I’m coming! I hope you’re not too attached to the body part you’re using to knock, though.
<sfx> knock knock!
Crystal: Who’s there?
Haley: Roland.
Crystal: Roland who?
Haley: Roland ‘Itiative, and his four friends Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, and Sneak Attack!
<sfx> fft! fft! fft! fft!
Haley: Under the heading of “Bad Ideas”: telling everyone that you’ll be in the shower – and thus without yoru protective magic jewelry. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure the ones that I can’t use will get a good home at the next magic shop we pass.
Crystal: You double-crossing whore, when Bozzok raises me –
Haley: IF Bozzok raises you, tell him the deal is off, I’m not paying him one copper piece ever again, NOT ONE. And I’ll kill anyone he sends after me. Especially you.
<sfx> SCHLARTCH!
<cutaway>
Haley: OK, all ready!
Celia: Hey, isn’t that Crystal’s knife?
Haley: Yeah, she said I could borrow it when we came back from fighting golems. I guess we really bonded.
Celia: Aww, that’s nice. Now you’ll think of her every time you use it.
Haley: Yup, that’s the idea.

Spoiler: Strip 649

Show

It's a Shame She Didn't Grab That Script While She Was There
Vaarsuvius, Haley, Durkon, Roy, Pickpocket, Ganonron, Jephton, Elan, Belkar

<sfx> pop!
Vaarsuvius: I do not see why you would want to reunite with the dreadfully tedious Azurites…
Haley: Look, once we get Roy back, he can tell us exactly where Girard’s Gate is, and you can ‘port us right there. But we need to resurrect Roy first, don’t’ we? And this is as good a place as any, and better than most. Durkon?
Durkon: Well, tha first step is, we need ta find a way ta destroy tha bone golem ‘fore we can –
(D): Well, the first step is, we need to find a way to destroy the bone golem before we can –
<sfx> CRUNCH!
Roy: Woah.
Durkon: Uh…OK. Well I prepared Resurrection this mornin’ based on Haley’s Sendin’ message…So now all I gotta do is take tha bones and these diamonds tha I’ve been savin’ in – Thar gone! Me diamonds’re missin’!!
(D): Uh…OK. Well I prepared Resurrection this morning based on Haley’s Sending message…So now all I gotta do is take the bones and these diamonds that I’ve been saving in – They’re gone! My diamonds are missing!!
Roy: Typical, really.
Haley: *sigh*
Durkon: Thay were jus’ ere when we were walkin’ thro Greysky City…
(D): They were just here when we were walking through Greysky City…
<cutway>
Pickpocket: We are the msot awesome pickpockets in the ENTIRE WORLD!
<cutback>
Durkon: We cannae raise Roy from tha dead wi’out a diamond ta serve as tha spell component!
(D): We can’t raise Roy from the dead without a diamond to server as the spell component!
Roy: Of course we can’t.
Vaarsuvius: I suppose I shall need to travel to the Plane of Elemental Earth to acquire another such gem.
Ganonron: It’s lovely this time of year.
Jephton: Really? I’ve never been.
Elan: Oh man! It’s a shame you don’t still have that giant diamond, Haley.
Haley: What? Which giant diamond?
Elan: The one you’re holding on the Cast Page.
Haley: …Wait right here, I’ll be back.
<cutaway>
<comic text> The roguish Haley Starshine, whose deadly aim is matched only by her beauty.
Comic Haley: Diamonds ARE a girl's best friend!
<comic text> And their battle-hardened leader, Roy Greenhilt, veteran fighter.
<cutback>
Haley: Huh, what do you know, it worked.
Elan: You sure it didn’t need to stay there?
Haley: Nah, that cast page is painfully outdated anyway. We all look deformed or something. I mean, my bow is upside-down in half the panels.
Durkon: One Resurrection spell, comin’ up!
(D): One Resurrection spell, coming up!
Belkar: Hot damn! We keep overcomign plot obstacles at this rate, we’ll be killing Xykon five strips from now!
Haley: I’m gonna need a receipt for that diamon, incidentally.

Spoiler: Strip 650

Show

A Lot Can Happen in Ten Minutes
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Ganonron, Jephton, Roy, Celia, Belkar

Durkon: Resurrection! Resurrection! Resurrection!
Vaarsuvius: What in the unholy blazes is that dwarf doing?
Haley: Raising Roy from the dead. It has a ten-minute casting time.
Vaarsuvius: TEN MINUTES?!?
Haley: Yeah, you didn’t know that?
Vaarsuivus: How should I know how long divine spells take to cast? It is not as if they were REAL magic!!
Haley: Why are you getting so upset? After all this time, what difference do ten minutes make?
Vaarsuvius: Do you have any idea how much I could accomplish in ten minutes with the power I now weild?
Haley: Not really. I’m a little fuzzy on the specif–
Vaarsuvius: I will NOT stand by passively while my debt grows with each moment!
Haley: Debt? What debt?
Ganonron: 19 minutes, 41 seconds.
Jephton: And counting.
Vaarsuvius: Nothing with which you need concern yourslf, except insofar as I have incurred too much of already to waste what time I have leve. It is well and goos that the dwarf raises Sir Greenhilt. While he does so, however, I intend to engage our problems from…and alternate angle. One I should have addresed immediately.
Haley: Huh? What are you talking about?
Vaarsuvius: I am going to go and kill Xykon. I will return shortly.
Ganonron: We will obliterate him.
Jephton: 2-3 rounds, top.
Roy: No! V, don’t try it!
Celia: *gasp*
Haley: What?!? Are you nuts??
Belkar: I was only kidding when I said we’d be killing Xykon in five strips! You can’t take anything I say in the last panel seriously!
Celia: Vaarsuvius, Xykon has this fancy anti-teleport spell surrounding his tower in Azure City! You can’t just –
Vaarsuvius: I appreciate the tactical data, but it will present no problem.
Roy: Hey! You subcontracor guys! You need to tell him that I said this was a bad idea!
Ganonron: Did you hear something?
Jephton: No, I didn’t hear anything, heh heh.
Vaarsuvius: I am done waiting, I will end this now.
Roy: Damn it, listen to me! Xykon is smarter than he looks! He’ll crush you all, and you’ll end up–
Vaarsuvius: They cannot rob me of this victory, I have paid too much for it already. EPIC TELEPORT!
Jephton: Looks like we’re seeing some turbulence.
Ganonron: Nothing I can’t – nnnh! – handle!
<sfx> pop!
Roy: – just like me.

Spoiler: Strip 651

Show

Two Eyes in the Dark
Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: –and that’s how I got from the rainforest to the circus.
O-Chul: I see. But how did you get to the forest in the first place? Your move.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, I was always there.
O-Chul: You were born there? That is where your parents lived?
Monster in the Darkness: No…but I remember my dad, sort of. He was BIG, and he ate a lot. Way more than I do.
Demon Roach: I bet HE ate babies.
O-Chul: Is that…normal…for your kind?
Monster in the Darkness: Dunno. I don’t even really know what “my kind” is. Not exactly. Like, if there’s a name ro a homeland or something, I don’t know anything about it. But it’s cool, because Redcloak definitely kows. Oh, and Xykon, too. And, like, they’re both a LOT smarter than I am, so I just don’t think about it too much. Your move.
O-Chul: Have you considered starting?
Monster in the Darkness: Thinking?
Demon Roach: Eh…It’s overrated.
O-Chul: Yes. You know what they say about an unexamined life.
Monster in the Darkness: That it’s totally awesome and everyone who lives one gets cake?
O-Chul: Monster-san…
Monster in the Darkness: OK, I get what you’re saying, but thinking is so…hard. It’s just easier to let everyone else do it.
O-Chul: I see. In that case, I will capture these pieces here.
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, you can’t do that!
O-Chul: Why not?
Monster in the Darkness: <voiceover> Because I still have two empty spots left open, in the middle. That means you can’t capture me by surrounding me.
O-Chul: <voiceover> Yes. Yes, exactly. Your life is much like this Go board, my friend. You have allowed yourself to be surrounded by enemy pieces– people who wish to bend you to their will, to remove your unique voice from the board and replace it with one of…of mindless subservience. But as you correctly point out, you are still holding on to two empty places in the center. They are your heart, and your mind. They are the places that make you what you really are.
Demon Roach: Hey, we could have told you his mind was an empty place years ago.
O-Chul: Do you wish to surrender one of them so easily?
Demon Roach: Hey, wait a minute…
O-Chul: Do you wish for all that you are to be taken away?
Monster in the Darkness: No, but I –
O-Chul: But that is what you are doing every time you allow those villains to tell you what to do!
Demon Roach: Don’t listen to him, you idiot, he’s trying to–
Monster in the Darkness: But–I don’t know what to–should I–
<sfx> BOOOOOOMM!!!
Monster in the Darkness: That wasn’t me this time! They didn’t even SERVE baked beans today!
Demon Roach: Medic! MEDIC!
O-Chul: No, friend, I think that earth-shattering sound did not originate in your bowels, for once. Look!
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, man! Where did that elf get beans from?!?
O-Chul: *sigh*

Previous Book | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 652 to 672
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Book

Spoiler: Strip 652

Show

No Respect for the Wicked
Xykon, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton, Redcloak, Jirix

Xykon: Someone tell the TeeVo to cancel Movie Night…I think we’ve got oru own little action-comedy-drama here.
Ganonron: Do you feel that?
Jephton: Behind us!
Vaarsuvius: Time St–
<sfx> BZZZZZWUMM!! fizzle!
Vaarsuvius: ARRRRGH!!!
Redcloak: See? SEE?
Xykon: Fine, fine, I admit: Installing magic traps that zap anyone casting an arcane spell other than be and Pigtail Chick was NOT a total waste of an afternoon.
Vaarsuvius: Skeletal buffoon! Your meager defences will not save you from me! Quickened Chain Lightning!
Jephton: Strike them all down!
Ganonron: Actually, liches are immune to electricity.
<sfx> zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap!
Xykon: They got you to waste your surprise round, Mystery Elf, so they were money well spent. Though how you can have 10th level spell slots and still blow a Concentration check THAT easy is beyond me. So, what’s your deal, then? The elves finally found a way to slip through my defenses, so they thought they’d send someone in to take me out? Help your old friends, the Bluebeards?
Vaarsuvius: You cannot possibly comprehend the path that has brought me to–
Xykon: Oh, sorry, that was rhetorical. I don’t really want to hear your backstory, Mr.-or-Mrs. Spock. Energy Drain!
Ganonron: AAAHH!
Jephton: NNHHHH!
Vaarsuvius: Ha! Your necromantic syphon has no effect on me, sorcerer!
Ganonron: No effect on YOU, maybe, but his level drain got BOTH of us!
Jephton: I lost my epic spell slots! I din’t even get to cast one of those yet!
Vaarsuvius: We have many high-level spells remaining. We shall triumph in this contest. We must.
<cutaway>
Jirix: What the hell is going on?!?
Redcloak: What, this? You’e be surprised how often people pop in to kill you when you’re doing an evil scheem. Remind me when this is over, I’ll tell you about the time, back in the day, when a dozen druids jumped out of our potted fern. Though something here IS a little…off. That Energy Drain should have had some effect on the wizard…True Seeing. Of course! Soul splices! I should have known immediately!
Ganonron: I have no more Time Stop spells prepared. Should we try Disjunction?
Jephton: That was Haerta’s spell. As was most of the necromancy.
Vaarsuvius: Then let us attempt–
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: Empowered Sunburst!
Xykon: NNNRGHHH!
Vaarsuvius: Quickened Dimensional Anchor!
Xykon: Wait, YOU are trying to stop ME from escaping?? Someone got two scoops of self-esteem in their raisin bran this morning!
Redcloak: Xykon, the elf is using two Soul Splices!
Xykon: Oh, I get it now. You only have a king or queen showing, but you’ve got a pair of jacks in the hole, am I right?
Vaarsuvius: There is little reason to deny it. I am channeling the raw unlimited energies of two of the most powerful souls ever damned to the lower planes.
Xykon: Oh, you poor dumb elf. Don’t you get it? Be a vampire, or a ghost, or an immortal with a paint-by-numbers portrait in the rec room. Hell, even a brain-in-a-jar, in a pinch. Anything to avoid the Big Fire Below. So what this tells me is– you’re channeling the “raw unlimited energies” of two chumps who didn’t have the balls to stay in the game! So MAXIMIZED Energy Drain, dumbass.
Ganonron: AAAAAAH!!!
Jephton: NOOOOOOOO!!

Spoiler: Strip 653

Show

Fun While It Lasted
Vaarsuvius, Xykon, Tsukiko, Redcloak, Jirix, Ganonron, Jephton

Vaarsuvius: Bixby’s Crushing Hand!
<sfx> crunch!
Vaarsuvius: That ought to prevent you from–
Xykon: Look, I know you elves are all with the touchy-feely hug stuff, but try to respect my personal boundaries. Still Meteor Swarm. Incidentally, here’s a pro tip for you: If your’e going to use area effect spells, craft yourself a magic item that makes you immune to that type of damage.
<cutaway>
Tsukiko: Geeze, can you men keep the rakect down up here? I know we all have fun torturing the paladin, but I’m trying to get a little shut-eye here.
Redcloak: Tsukiko! Perfect!
Tsukiko: I know I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need my beauty sleep. Wait – who the hell is that, and why is she fighting Xykon when she looks like she should be asking for a team-up?
Jirix: No idea. Some elf.
Redcloak: She’s using an effect called a Soul Splice, which means she’s probably using all of her focus just holding on to her power. I don’t suppose you have any spells prepared that would impair willpower?
Tsukiko: Goblin, please. I go to bed with more spells prepared than you start the day with. Mind Fog!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: Your villainy comes to an end this day! Disintegrate!
<sfx> zzzzap!! deflect!
Xykon: Yeah, see, I’m not feeling it. You just don’t have that “righteous outrage” tone. What’s really going on here?
<cutaway>
Jirix: Is it working?
Tsukiko: No…the elf must have some sort of protection from mind-affecting spells. Probably Mind Blank.
Redcloak: In that case, Greater Dispel Magic!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: My power…EXCEEDS yours!!
Xykon: Oh, so you’re some sort of arcane Geroge Mallory, then? You want to fight me ‘cause I’m here? Hey, I can respect that. I take that as a compliment.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: Damn it, my caster level can’t overcome the elf’s. Xykon! Dispel! Do you hear me? DISPEL!!!
<cutback>
Xykon: Of course, it does leave me in the position of having no reason to go easy on you. Your basic knight-on-a-valiant-quest is one thing, but a challenge to my rep? That needs to be met with all means at my disposal, I think. Even if it means taking tactical advice from my lackeys. Superb Dispelling.
Vaarsuvius: My defenses! My flight spell! I feel so…woozy…I–I must retreat. Greater Tele–
Ganonron: Do not worry! We are still here!
Jephton: Even epic magic cannot break our–
Xykon: LAST STOP!
<sfx> WHHNK!
Vaarsuvius: AAAAHH!
Xykon: Please make sure you have all personal belongings with you before exiting the elf!
Ganonron: Whoops. Tough break, kid.
Jephton: Later!

Spoiler: Strip 654

Show

Cages (Steel and Otherwise)
Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: Excuse me? Mr. Elf? Could we maybe get another Sunburst spell over this way?
O-Chul: Nnnngh!!
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, what are you doing, Mr. Stiffly?
Demon Roach: Don’t you know Bend Bars rolls have been gone for a while?
O-Chul: Keep your– nnnnngh!–voice down, please.
<sfx> KATANG!
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, man! The cagesmith is not gonna be happy about that!
O-Chul: I will be sure to weep for his lost masterpiece later.
Demon Roach: HEY! Jailbreak! Helloooo, we have a jailbreak over– Ah, crap.
<sfx> SQUILCH!
Monster in the Darkness: How did you –
O-Chul: This bar has been lose for several weeks.
Monster in the Darkness:Then why didn’t you –
O-Chul: Because then was not the time for action. Now, is.
<sfx> poof!
Monster in the Darkness: Wait! Mr. Stiffly, the exit is the other way! Where are you going?
O-Chul: To do my duty.
Monster in the Darkness: Again? They just brought the bucket around an hour ago.
O-Chul: No, my duty. My obligation to my dead comrades and my late Lord. Or Lords, as the case may be.
Monster in the Darkness: But Xykon will kill you if you go out there!
O-Chul: Almost certainly. I go nonetheless. Listen to me my friend. Listen to me, my friend. Listen carefully. We must all do what we think is right. Whatever happens to me next. I want you to think about all that I have taught you. Think about the game we just played. Think about how I have treated you, and how your so-called friends have treated you. You have the power to leave the vile path down which they would have you led. I know this is because you have shown me enough clues over these long months for me to finally understand you. You may not know exactly what you are – but I do.
Monster in the Darkness: You do? Really? Then what am I?
O-Chul: A good man. Farewell, my gentle friend.
Monster in the Darkness: Wait, Mr. Stiffly! Mr. Stiffly! MR. STIFFLY! O-CHUL!!

Spoiler: Strip 655

Show

With a Critical Eye
Xykon, Tsukiko, Redcloak, Jirix, O-Chul

Xykon: I can’t believe you tried scry-and-die on me. ME. You can’t even imagine the ways I’m going to hurt you.
<cutaway>
<door tect> STAIRS
Tsukiko: ‘Kay, I’m goin’ back to bed now. Have fun with your new toy.
Redcloak: Jirix, organize a search of the tower. See if any other elves broke through the Cloister.
Jirix: Yes, Supreme Leader.
Redcloak: I’ll be right behind you, I just need to check on my prison–er. Disintegrate!
O-Chul: Smite–
<sfx> SQLLRCH!
Redcloak: Aaarrrgghh!
O-Chul: –Evil.
Redcloak: My eye! You human bastard, my eye!
O-Chul: No more spells.
<sfx> snap!
O-Chul: No more goblin.
Redcloak: –Word of Recall!
<sfx> pop! KATHUNNK!
O-Chul: …No more lich, then.

Spoiler: Strip 656

Show

It Probably Squeaks, Too
Jirix, Xykon, Vaarsuvius, Cedrik, Lee, Nero, Qarr

Jirix: Supreme Leader? Are you OK? I thought I heard you– *gasp* XYKO–
<sfx> splurnkth!
<cutaway>
Xykon: I’m sort of in the middle of– HEY! Hands off the bling, Scarface!! Meteor Swarm!
Vaarsuvius: Invisibility.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Xykon: Yeah, it’s gonna take more than a few whacks with a metal bar to scuff the finish, pally. There are so many abjuration spells protecting that thing, I’ve forgotten what half of them actually do. Maximized Lightning Bolt.
<cutaway>
Cedrik: Where’d the elf go?
Lee: Turned invisible while you were in the john. Here, I’ll adjust the screen.
Nero: I can’t believe I was rooting for a paladin for a moment there. I feel dirty.
<screen text> SEE INVISIBLE: OFF ON
Lee: There we go.
Nero: Making a beeline for the stairs.
Cedrik: Good. Get out of there already, I say.
Qarr: Can’t you guys, I don’t know, Plane Shift her out of there?
Lee: We can only act directly on the mortal plane when we’re making a deal.
Nero: That’s the main reason we need imps like you to run errands for us.
Cedrik: If the elf dies here, this whole thing was a huge waste of time.
Lee: Uh oh, guys, I think we have a problem.
Nero: What? What is it?
Cedrik: The bane of all invisible characters ever–
<cutback>
Cedrik: <voiceover> A closed door.
<door text> STAIRS
Xykon: Now, where did that elf go…?

Spoiler: Strip 657

Show

Second Chance
Xykon, O-Chul, Vaarsuvius

Xykon: You still in here, elf? Or did you cut and run? Let’s play Hide-and-Seek, just to be sure. I’m “It.” Actually, so are you, as near as I can tell.
O-Chul: unnnhhh…
Xykon: You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It’s sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself. Power, it isn’t something that you put on or take off like a jacket. It’s something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, see what I’m saying. Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, ‘cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off of him the hard way: he earned them. ‘Course, now he’s also earned an upgrade to Prisoner First Class for daring to touch my pretty little bauble. It’s sort of the same as how we’ve already been treating him, only now we get serious about it. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh, right. Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shacked to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I’ve learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn’t matter as much as you’d think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true. For example:
Vaarsuvius: Urrk!
Xykon: …Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks.
Vaarsuvius: Unnh! Gllch!
<sfx> skrrlch.
Xykon: So, Uncle Xykon, what’s the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn’t enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the strength to crush your windpipe with his bare phlanges.
Vaarsuvius: …
Xykon: And they died happily ever after. The End.

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A Bird in Hand
Xykon, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, O-Chul, Vaarsuvius

Xykon: HEY!
<sfx> snatch!
Xykon: What would your fellow paladins say if they saw you picking pockets to make ends meet? You know, if I hadn’t murdered them.
<cutaway>
Monster in the Darkness:Oh, man, this is really tense! Run, O-Chul, run!
Demon Roach 1: Yeah, you BETTER run!
Demon Roach 2: Roach-killer!
<cutback>
Xykon: OK, seriously, I’m starting to actually get a little annoyed here. Bring the phylactery back, and I’ll let you keep two organs of your choice. Another Meteor Swarm. Act fast, this offer is for a limited time.
O-Chul: Get up! GET UP! Head for the hole in the wall!
Vaarsuvius: I hope…I hope you were not relying upon me to provide us with a magical escape. I have no flight spells left, much less any teleportation.
O-Chul: Don’t worry about it, escape had not really crossed my mind. Though if you have any spells that will increase my range with a thrown object, now would be a good time to cast them.
<sfx> pop!

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Flight of the Phylactery
Vaarsuvius, O-Chul, Blackwing, Xykon, Qarr, Lee, Nero, Cedrik

Vaarsuvius: Drop the amulet in the hole, then return.
O-Chul: May the Twelve Gods bless your flight.
Blackwing: Caw caw cawcaw caw caw…
Vaarsuvius: I hesitate to ask whether plans for escape have crossed your mind yet.
O-Chul: They haven’t. Now, we attack. FOR AZURE CITY!!
Xykon: Wow. You’ve got some +5 Holy Cajones on you, paladin, I’ll give you that. Mass Hold Person. The smart thing to do would have been to climb down the tower, rather than turning to face me. At least then, you would have had a chance to get my phylactery away from– Wait…Where IS my phylactery, anyway? …You cheeky son of a bitch.
Blackwing: Caw cawcawcaw…caw caw caw…caw caw caw cawcawcaw…*
<panel text> * So beautiful…but I don’t…I don’t understand…
<cutaway>
Qarr: What happens if the amulet falls into that weird…hole thingy?
Lee: I don’t know, but I bet the lich doesn’t either.
Nero: And he can’t risk blasting the raven, or it might fall in!
Cedrik: I don’t know why the bird’s just staring at the rift, though.
<cutback>
Xykon: Ha…Gotcha. Wait, what does that say on the–
<amulet text> Guess what spell I cast before giving this to the bird.

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Lucky Breaks
Xykon

<sfx> BOOM!!
Xykon: No no no no no no–
<sfx> poof!
Xykon: –NO! YES!
<sfx> bingk! bingk!
<statue text> OUR LEADER
<sfx> bongk!
<cover text> AZURE CITY PUBLIC WORKS
<sawhorse text> CAUTION
<sfx> sploosh!
<sign text> OCEAN
<sign text> ANACHRONISTIC SEWAGE PLANT
<sign text> OBLIGATORY SEWER-THEMED LABYRINTH

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The Path of Least Expectation
O-Chul, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

O-Chul: Nnnnnn... nnnRAAARGH!!! Elf? I am finally turning my thoughts to escape, now. Try to shrug off the spell, as the Twelve Gods have helped me to do. ... No? Then I suppose I am carrying you.
Monster in the Darkness: O-Chul, you need to get out of here! He's gonna be really mad when he gets back.
O-Chul: Agreed, we must-
<sfx> CRASH!!!!
Xykon: Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be to find that?!? It has the best anti-detection spells we know on it!!!! We're going to need to search for it BY HAND!
Monster in the Darkness: Oh man! You don't know what he's like when he gets like this! You gotta leave right now!
Xykon: I am officially DONE WITH THIS. I'm snuffing you sickening pouches of warm good right now.
O-Chul: Gllrck!
Monster in the Darkness: You're my friend, you HAVE to be OK! It can't end like this! It's not fair! You need to leave. You need to-
Xykon: Meteor-
Monster in the Darkness: -ESCAPE.
<sfx> pop! pop!
Xykon: -Swuhh??? Where did they go??? WHO JUST STOLE MY KILLS?!?!?
Monster in the Darkness: ...What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

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The Price is Right
Tsukiko, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness

Tsukiko: Well... maybe you can destroy yourself and regenerate wherever the phylactery is?
Xykon: Oh, you think so? And if, say, a sea serpent ate it in the meantime?
Tsukiko: ...Oh, right.
Redcloak: Xykon! Are you OK? What happened to the walls?
Xykon: Where the hell have you been, you worthless piece of green crap??
Redcloak: Uh, my Word of Recall brought me to my study in the basement. I got my backup holy symbol. Wait... Where IS my regular holy-
Xykon: LOST, you stupid meatbag! Because of YOU!!
Redcloak: Me? How is it my fault, I wasn't even up here!
Xykon: YES! Exactly! You weren't up here when YOUR prisoner ran amok, dropped it in the sewers, and then popped out of here without a trace!! And now your precious holy symbol - also known as MY FRICKING PHYLACTERY-is lying in the sewers of this disgusting blue cesspool!!! Or in the ocean! OR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE!!!
Redcloak: OH, OK, we can fix this. We've got thousands of minions, we comb every inch of the sewers starting first thing in the-
Xykon: Starting NOW.
Redcloak: Starting now, right. I'll go give the orders.
Tsukiko: Rough day, huh, Reddy? First the eye, now this.
Redcloak: The eye is a minor inconvenience. I can Regenerate it as soon as I rest and regain the spells.
Xykon: No.
Redcloak: ...What?
Xykon: You're not regenerating anything. That eye? That's your individual Idiot Tax. That's what this fiasco costs you, personally. I want you to remember every moment of every day what happens if we sit on our lazy ASSES and rearrange the furniture in a ruined city instead of moving on to the next target. If I ever see you with more eyes than *******s, I'm giong to shove one in the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin.
Redcloak: Who, Jirix? He's dead.
Xykon: THEN RAISE HIM! At least he had the decency to shout a warning! I want you all to be ready to teleport out of here two rounds after we find my phylactery, whether that takes days or months. Vacation time is over, kids. Time to go back to work. And for the Evil's sake, will somebody wake this moron up?!? It's about time he DID something around here!
Monster in the Darkness: Zzzzzzz...

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Or Mention That He's Getting Too Old for This
Lien, Hinjo, O-Chul, Elan, Haley

Lien: Sir, I think I see Durkon ahead!
Hinjo: Are you sure? Because that would be a highly unlikely coinci-
<sfx> pop! pop! THUNK!
Hinjo: What the- O-CHUL?!?
Lien: O-CHUL!
O-Chul: I bring greetings from our homeland, Lord Hinjo! Lien! I apologize for the abrupt entrance.
Lien: How- I thought you died in the castle!
O-Chul: The goblin held me prisoner these months.
Hinjo: Then-our comrades? Do any yet live?
O-Chul: No, my Lord. I am afraid they were all dead and gone before Soon's Gate exploded.
Hinjo: I see. Then you were the one who made the decision to destroy the Gate, rather than let it fall into Xykon's clutches.
O-Chul: I did make that decision, and it was my blade that did the deed. I will say no more about it, lest I speak ill of the dead.
Haley: Hinjo! Vaarsuvius left to-wait, V??
Elan: You're alive! And less scary!
O-Chul: Your elven friend is paralyzed, but did help me complete one last mission before we left.
Haley: O-Chul!!! I can't believe it! I thought that monster ate you!
O-Chul: Far from it, in fact.
Hinjo: Wait, how did Haley get here?
Lien: Sir, I'm still not sure how WE got here.
O-Chul: Lord Hinjo, I suggest you debrief me immediately. I have a great deal of valuable intelligence regarding our foes.
Hinjo: Of course. I'll have a scribe join us.
O-Chul: Make it our most learned one... I have questions about how we escaped that perhaps they can answer.
Lien: I can't believe you survived as their prisoner for so long!
O-Chul: I'll be honest, I did not actually expect to live through this.
Elan: Don't say that! Whenever someone says that right after surviving something dangerous, something totally random pops out and kills them. Well, most of the time, at least. Just don't announce that you're going to retire tomorrow, OK?

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Down to Earth
Durkon, Haley, Elan, Roy, Roy's Archon, Eugene, Bureaucratic Deva, Celestial Driver

Durkon: Resurrection! Resurrection!
Haley: Hey, Durkon, we have another patient for you when you're finished.
Elan: I don't think "patient" is a word I would use to describe V, Haley.
Durkon: Aye, put 'im down, I'm almost done 'ere... Resurrection!
(D): Aye, put him down, I'm almost done here... Resurrection!
<cutaway>
Roy: OK, time for me to go home. Roy's Archon, do you remember what I need you to do once I'm gone?
Roy’s Archon: Yes. I have no idea if it will work, but I know what to do. Good luck, and I sincerely hope not to speak with you for a very, very long time.
Roy: Right back at you, little glowing buddy, and thanks for everything. And you- keep scrying on Xykon. Haunt me if he leaves Azure City.
Eugene: Oh, absolutely, Roy. You'll be the first to know.
Celestial Bureaucrat: Mr. Greenhilt? Mr. Greenhilt, my office sent me down here to talk to you about one of your teammates.
Roy: I'm sorry, but I'm a little busy right now, I'm about to be raised from the dead. (Finally.)
Celestial Bureaucrat: I understand, but this colleague of yours has taken quite a dramatic turn towards Evil in the last few-
Roy: Look, I'm sure whatever trouble Belkar has gotten himself into, we can handle it. I have it on good authority that he's going to die soon. Well, soon-ish.
<sign text>: S. Rogers
<sign text>: R. Greenhilt
Celestial Driver: Good to have you, sir. We'll have you home in no time.
Celestial Bureaucrat: Mr. Green-
Roy: Look, my ride is here, I gotta go! Hey, is that a minibar? Sweet!
Celestial Bureaucrat: No, Mr. Greenhilt, you don't understand, I'm not talking about-
<sign text> Highway from Heaven
<sfx> vvrrrooOOOOOOM!!
Celestial Bureaucrat: -the halfling. Listen, you occasionally manifest to him, right? Next time you do, show him this report. It details the elf wizard's alarming dealings with the forces of Evil.
Eugene: No problem. I'm as appalled by these events as you are. Good effort, elf. I really thought for a moment that you were going to pull it off. Hell, if my son were more like you, we'd be wrapping this series up by now.
<sfx> woosh!

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In the Flesh
Durkon, Roy, Elan, Celia, Haley, Belkar

<sfx> poof!
Durkon: RESURRECTION! Thar ye go... C'mon back ta us, lad.
(D): RESURRECTION! There you go... come on back to us, lad.
Roy: Beating heart...breathing lungs...positive hit point total... I'M BACK IN THE GAME! What? Oh, please. I've been wrenched back to this mortal coil after being worm food for months. You can all suffer through a little full frontal.
Elan: You're invisible!
Celia: ROY!!!
Roy: Mmmph!
Haley: Well, at least she's blocking our view.
Belkar: Speak for yourself, her wings are way too diaphanous for my tastes right this moment.
Durkon: Welcome home, lad.
Celia: I missed you so much.
Haley: Yeah, it's good to have you back.
Roy: Thanks, it's goot to be back.
Elan: Hooray!
Roy: OK, gang. We're back together at long last. Tonight, we rest, but tomorrow morning we-
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Roy: Oh, right. I have to actually move my legs when I'm on this plane.
Celia: Don't worry, honey. I make that mistake ALL the time.

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But Seriously, She Won't
Haley, Roy, Belkar, O-Chul

Haley: Hey, Roy.
Roy: Look at this. It's going to take me half the night just to get this back to usable condition.
Haley: No, please, don't fawn all over me just because we retrieved you from death itself. It's embarassing.
Roy: Right, well, thanks for that, too.
Haley: Just don't do it again, OK?
Roy: Missed me, did you?
Haley: Sure. Every archer needs a meat shield to hide behind.
Roy: Heh.
Haley: Plus... I don't think I'm really cut out to be leader.
Roy: You did alright, as far as I could see.
Haley: See? You could see us?
Roy: Some of the time.
Haley: I'm surprised you remember everything.
Roy: I don't. Not everything. I remember the clouds, and my father, and a glowing ball of light. And I remember what I saw when I was floating around down here. But beyond the Big Golden Gate... it's all a blur. A big, happy fulfilling blur, but still. And for some reason, I have this awesome idea for a cool sword move.. I think I might try it out later, see if it works.
Haley: So... you know about Belkar, then? That the Mark of Justice got removed?
Roy: Yeah, I know. I watched the little jerk whack the Oracle. (He got better.)
Haley: What do we do if we can't control him?
Roy: We run out the clock.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> Pretty soon, Belkar's fate will be someone else's problem. Someone bony with a black robe and a big scythe. Until then, we do what we can to keep him pointed at the bad guys.
Belkar: Wait, you're THANKING me for dumping you off of a cliff?!?
O-Chul: Without your cowardly actions, I could not have gone where I needed to be, difficult though it was. However, should I learn of you treating any other person in this manner, I will gut you with my hands.
<cutback>
Haley: That may be easier than before - ever since he woke up from the coma, he's been Employee of the Month.
Roy: Do you think it's a legitimate change of heart?
Haley: Hell, no. I think it's a ploy.
Roy: Well, if it's a ploy that takes... let's see... more than seven weeks for him to pull off, we don't have a problem.
Haley: Do you really think we can end this whole thing- beat Xykon and the goblins in just seven weeks?
Roy: I'll bet you ten gold pieces that we can.
Haley: You're on.
Roy: You're not going to sabotage the mission just to win ten gold, are you?
Haley: Hey, now, see? We'll get you thinking like a rogue yet!

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Mending Wounds
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Cedrik, Nero, Lee, Fiendish Secretary, Tiamat

Durkon: Remove Paralysis. Heal. Welcome back ta tha land o' tha ambulatory. How d'ye feel?
(D): Remove Paralysis. Heal. Welcome back to the land of the ambulatory. How do you feel?
Vaarsuvius: Drained. Foolish.
Durkon: Y'know, I had a few key words ta say ta ye ev'n 'fore ye flew off ta fight Xykon all by yerself.
(D): You know, I had a few key words to say to you even before you flew off to fight Xykon all by yourself.
Vaarsuvius: At this point, I do not think that another lecture regarding my inability to accept-
Durkon: I was wrong.
Vaarsuvius: ...Excuse me?
Durkon: I was wrong. Tellin' ye fer all those months tha yer magic weren't gonna solve it all. It DID. Tha spell ye cast, wha'e'er it was... it was amazin'. Kazumi said ye teleport'd tha whole fleet! An' ye went toe ta toe wit Xykon himself! I dinnae think that sort of power was possible. Who knows how much sooner we'd have gotten Roy back if'n I'd helped instead o' lecturin' ye.
(D): I was wrong. Telling you for all those months that your magic wasn't going to solve it all. It DID. That spell you cast, whatever it was... it was amazing. Kazumi said you teleported the whole fleet! And you went toe to toe with Xykon himself! I did not think that sort of power was possible. Who knows how much sooner we'd have gotten Roy back if I'd helped instead of lecturing you.
Vaarsuvius: No - No, you were not wrong, Durkon. It was... such a waste. It started out well, but it soon became naught but sound and fury. I squandered its true potential by wielding it like a cudgel. Only when I lost it did I stop to consider what I was doing, and only then did I become effective. When I think of what I might have accomplished...I almost weep.
Durkon: Perhaps, but at least ye were wieldin' yer cudgel. Me, I sat on me thumbs fer months, afraid o' doin' tha wrong thing. Which o' us is tha more wasteful, eh?
(D): Perhaps, but at least you were wielding your cudgel. Me, I sat on my thumbs for months, afraid of doing the wrong thing. Which of us is the more wasteful, eh?
Vaarsuvius: Are you not listening? I accomplished NOTHING by attacking!
Durkon: Trollcrap. Ye rescued tha paladin, dinnae ye?
(D): Trollcrap. You rescued the paladin, didn't you?
Vaarsuvius: That was hardly my intended goal, was it?
Durkon: So? Ye think it was my goal ta try ta save tha world from a lich when I left me home? Dinnae discount tha victories ye have jus' cause ye dinnae plan fer 'em. Ye've helped these people more than tha rest o' us who were tryin' combined. Ye cannae beat yerself up o'er what ye might've done, V. Tha way lies madness.
(D): So? You think it was my goal to try to save the world from a lich when I left my home? Don't discount the victories you have just because you didn't plan for them. You've helped these people more than the rest of us who were trying combined. You can't beat yourself up over what you might've done, V. that way lies madness.
Vaarsuvius: Yes... I know that. Now.
Durkon: 'Sides, maybe if ye cast tha spell again-
(D): Besides, maybe if you cast the spell again-
Vaarsuvius: NO! ... It was a singular event. It cannot be repeated.
Durkon: Och. High XP cost, then?
Vaarsuvius: Something such as that, yes.
Durkon: Well, then look at it this way: Tha Order o' tha Stick is back together, an' everything is back ta normal. No harm done, am I right?
(D): Well then, look at it this way: The Order of the Stick is back together, and everything is back to normal. No harm done, am I right?
Vaarsuvius: Uh, yes...of course. No harm done.
<cutaway>
Cedrik: 3 minutes, 6 seconds for you... 20 minutes, 35 seconds for him and me.
Nero: More than sufficient for our purposes, I imagine.
Fiendish Secretary: Director? Ms. Tiamat is holding on Lines 2, 3, 4, 8 and 11.
Lee: Oy.
Tiamat: RRAWWR!!

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Moving the Pieces
Lee, Cedrik, Nero, Qarr

Lee: You know, that went about as well as could be expected. I managed to convince her that it was an unfortunate necessity of a secret scheme to bring down the gods of Good.
Cedrik: Technically true, I suppose.
Nero: Good work.
Lee: I did need to promise that we would eventually destroy five Good dragons for every black one that died today.
Cedrik: Not a problem. If our plan for the Gates really works, such a slaughter will be trivial.
Lee: That's what I figured.
Qarr: Gates? What gates are you talking about?
Nero: We'll tell you later, it's too much exposition for right now. All you really need to know is that we only care about the elf because of these five Gates. Well, two, now.
Qarr: I knew it! I knew you weren't after the elf's soul, not really. Those terms were too good.
Lee: Yes, the elf's soul is little more than the free soup-or-salad to our main course of wickedness.
Cedrik: After the stunt with the dragons, I think we have a 50-50 chance of ending up with it anyway.
Nero: The truly important thing is the overall struggle between Xykon and the Order of the Stick.
Qarr: So... then, what? Giving the elf the power was somehow supposed to sabotage their ability to stop Xykon? I don't see it.
Lee: Don't be silly. Why would we want the lich to win?
Qarr: ... Because we're Evil?
Cedrik: And that makes us all one big happy family? Screw that.
Nero: The truth is, we don't want EITHER side to really win.
Lee: We want for them the same thing that has held the fiendish races back for all these millenia.
Cedrik: We want conflict.
Nero: Destructive unnecessary conflict.
Cedrik: The worst thing that could happen would be a victory by one team.
Nero: Look at the lich: He beats the Sapphire Guard and then sits on his tailbone for months.
Lee: That's why we needed to knock him out of his comfort zone.
Qarr: Knock him out... Wait, you PLANNED on the elf attacking Xykon???
Cedrik: More like it was a forseeable consequence to the deal we were already putting together. Our standard pre-Faustian psych report gave an 84% chance that given enough power, the subject would lash out at the most formidable foe available. It wasn't a perfect plan. We only wanted the lich roughed up, not destroyed.
Nero: As it stands, though, the race for the next Gate begins tomorrow.
Lee: And while they fight each other, we move our pawns into position.
Qarr: We have pawns?
Cedrik: Definitely.
Nero: Even though most of them don't know it.
Lee: Destructive unnecessary conflict is pretty much all they do.
<text> - Crawlin' Fools
Qarr: ...They look like total morons.
Cedrik: They are! Isn't it just perfect?

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Logical Conclusions
Celia, Roy

Celia: You know, since that's an all-new body you've got, baby, I think I technically just deflowered you there.
Roy: That puts you in a very exclusive club with Sheila Finkelstein in the cloak check room at the 1175 Wizzy Award ceremony. My dad and her mom were up for the same category.
Celia: Not that I'm not thrilled to have you back, but I am looking forward to going home. My GPA must be in the toilet by now... and... And I'm not really cut out for this life.
Roy: I know. I want to ask you to stay, but it's only going to get more dangerous from here, I'm afraid.
Celia: I just don't understand all the violence. I'll admit that I got caught up in the thrill of it all a few times, but I just can't stomach the idea of willfully deciding to end someone's life.
Roy: It's an unfortunate reality. The fate of this entire world rests on our mission now. Haley does what she needs to in order to keep the mission going.
Celia: No, she doesn't. She does what's convenient for her, and if it happens to help the mission, hey, bonus.
Roy: Celia...
Celia: I'm sorry. I just can't fathom caring more about gold than about another person's very existence.
Roy: Neither can I, but we don't need to see eye-to-eye on it in order to work with her.
Celia: Everything is different on the Plane of Air, you know. No one tries to kill you just because you, like, looked at them funny years ago.
Roy: Well, sure. You're not mortal.
Celia: Huh?
Roy: Elementals and outsiders can't be raised from the dead normally, right? But humans, elves, dwarves, halflings - hell, even goblins - all can be. Sure, it's not commonplace, but I think just knowing that it's a possibility encourages the mortal races to take risks. It's like a big metaphysical safety net. Then take the Afterlife.
Celia: We don't have one. We just sort of merge back into the plane we're from.
Roy: Right. But us? We have this elaborate system of rewards and punishments: heaven or hell, valhalla or the abyss, limbo or nirvana, or a dozen in-between. Most importantly, we KNOW it exists. So if we charge into battle and end up as a polearm depository, we know that we're going to end up somewhere we deserve. Your people can't look forward to that, so there's no reason they would risk death as often as we do.
Celia: So, you're saying that if mortals weren't sure of what awaited them after their deaths-
Roy: I'm pretty sure that, logically, there would be a lot less warfare in the world.
Celia: I never thought about it that way.
Roy: Eh, it's not a terribly realistic idea. Even without resurrection, how would people not know about the Afterlife? Someone would just Plane Shift over and look eventually! It'd be like if we somehow didn't know for sure whether or not there were - I don't know - trees, or stars, or gods.
Celia: Or, Skill Points?
Roy: Yeah, I mean, weird, you know?

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The War Council
Haley, Roy, Elan, Hinjo, O-Chul, Pink-Haired Peregrine Team Member

Haley: Sorry to keep you waiting, I needed to take care of something with Elan.
Roy: I do not want to hear details. I'm still recovering from my mom...
Haley: Yeah, I wish. But Elan had this kinda sad story about this ninja chick who had a crush on him, then died.
<flashback>
Elan: I'm torn, because on one hand I want to share something important that happened to me while we were apart... But on the other hand, bardic tradition demands that I withhold it all so that at some later point, you can accidentally learn an incomplete version and jump to all of the wrong conclusions- thus leading to entertaining dramatic conflict later in our relationship.
Haley: So... what are you going to do?
Elan: Tell you everything. How are we supposed to get a happy ending if we can't be honest?
<end flashback>
Haley: I tried to tell him you guys were waiting, but he said he needed to tell me now because it was the "denouement," whatever that means.
Roy: We were supposed to meet over an hour ago...was his story really that long?
<flashback>
Haley: Wow... OK... Well, OK, I guess I have some stuff to tell you, too. Starting with my father, and ending with how I got my new dagger. Just try not to hate me TOO much.
<end flashback>
Haley: Yeah. He really talked my ear off, heh.
Hinjo: Well, now that all four of us are here, we should get this war council started.
Roy: I agree. We finally have the advantage, we need to coordinate our next moves quickly.
Haley: Uh, hello? Advantage?? Did Durkon forget to grow your brain back? Xykon is still an ultra-powerful lich with a huge army and we're...NOT.
O-Chul: Maybe. But now we have an opportunity to catch Xykon with his robes around his anklebones. He may have all the strength, but we have the initiative.
Haley: Initiative?!? Where? I got a 23! I make a sneak attack! And a spot check!
O-Chul: No, no, not that kind of initiative. Strategic initiative.
Roy: O-Chul is right. We know exactly what Xykon and his minions will be doing and where, for at least the next few days: looking for his phylactery. If we can get to the next Gate before Xykon succeeds, we can warn its guardian - maybe even set an ambush for the cocky bastard.
O-Chul: I believe this will help with that. It's Xykon's spell list. Or most of it, anyway.
Roy: Are you kidding?!? How did you get this??
O-Chul: One saving throw at a time. There's also a list of magic items carried by him, the goblin, and the theurge woman, as well as a partial list of feats. Some of the latter is a bit speculative on my part, for which I apologize.
<list text> Animate Dead, Gre- Resilient Sphere, Stop- Cloudkill, Overland Flight, Symbol of Pain, Unknown. 6th Level: Contingency, Unknown x2. 7th Level: Finger of Death, Greater Teleport, Mass Hold Person. 8th Level: Ghostform, Symbol of Insanity, Unknown. 9th Level: Energy Drain, Meteor Swarm, Soul Bind. Epic: Cloister, Epic Mag-, Supurb Dispelling
Roy: Apologize? O-Chul, this is incredible! I don't know what to say.
O-Chul: Say that when the time is right, you will use this information to tear that abomination apart, bone by bone.
Roy: You have my word.
Haley: Well, gee, after that, my several-months-old troop distribution data just seems a whole lot less sexy.
Hinjo: Nonsense. Knowing that our comrade is leading a resistance that you constructed will be of enormous benefit to any plan to free the city. Plus, the information that Celia and you gave me regarding the Cloister effect is invaluable.
Haley: I don't see how. We still don't have the ability to bypass it.
Hinjo: Sure we do. We just need to do it the old-fashioned way. Before he turned in for the night, I asked Durkon to send a message to my contact among our last remaining allies.
Roy: Allies? What allies?
Hinjo: Old allies, that are slow to go to war. I've been trying to convince them to act for months... But let's just say that your wizard hasn't been the only one frustrated by the lack of available intelligence in our homeland.
<cutaway>
<sfx> POP! thunk! thunk! slash!! splortch! schirkt!
Pink-Haired Elf: Sending. Team Peregrine to Elven Command: covert insertion succesful. Will penetrate Cloistered territory on foot and rendezvous with designee "Thanh" to coordinate further insertions. Liberation: commencing.

Spoiler: Strip 671

Show

Also, She Needs Her Clothes Back Now
Roy, O-Chul, Haley, Hinjo, Elan, Lien, Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Celia

Roy: Lady and gentlemen, I think we have a plan. Hinjo's fastest ship will drop us off in the port town of Sandsedge, on the Western Continent. From there, we will make our way into the desert to Girard's Gate.
Haley: Though I'm still not 100% clear on why V can't just teleport us there now...
O-Chul: Meanwhile, Lien and I will travel north, to Kraagor's Gate - in case the Oracle was wrong and Xykon shows up there first.
Hinjo: If he does, don't engage him directly. Your luck won't hold out for a third fight.
O-Chul: I agree. Our mission is reconnaissance only. We'll contact the Order if the lich arrives.
Haley: Hey, wasn't the fact that your oath prevented you from helping the other Gates a big plot point a while back?
Hinjo: Soon's Gate is no more. Without something to protect, the Sapphire Guard's oath is dissolved and we are free to lend aid. At any rate, I'll stay hwere with our people. I'm more useful organizing things here than I would be as another sword arm... especially since both O-Chul and Lien managed to gain a few levels since we left Azure City and I didn't... And I'll coordinate both groups via Sending so everyone knows what's happening and when.
Roy: You'll be in touch with the Resistance and the elves, too, right?
Hinjo: Right. I can't call them, but they can call me. So you should know when Xykon is on the move and headed towards you.
Roy: Outstanding.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> Then all that remains are the farewells.
Hinjo: I'm sure I can manage to protect myself, Elan.
Elan: Well... OK. You can keep my eyepatch, then, if you want.
Lien: -and it keeps it from being in my eyes when I'm in the water.
Haley: I guess it will be cooler than a ponytail when we're in a desert.
Durkon: Make sure ye eat plenty o' dark greens, like spinach. An' if'n ye must adventure, avoid monsters tha' c'n paralyze. Thar bad for tha baby.
(D): Make sure you eat plenty of dark greens, like spinach. And if you must adventure, avoid monsters that can paralyze. They're bad for the baby.
Kazumi: Yes, Durkon.
Belkar: See? If you'd let me fire you out of a catapult when I wanted to, you wouldn't have to deal with stuff like this.
Daigo: Yeah, what was I thinking?
O-Chul: Thank you once more for all that you have done.
Vaarsuvius: Please, do not remind me of all that I have done.
Celia: Haley, since you were the one who broke my summoning talisman, I need you to dismiss me.
Haley: You're an annoying twit who doesn't know as much as she thinks she does. Oh! You meant dismiss the summoning.

Spoiler: Strip 672

Show

A Familiar Conclusion
Lien, O-Chul, Roy, Durkon, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Lien: Hey, boy, you ready for a long swim?
O-Chul: Sharks. Why did it have to be sharks?
<cutaway>
Roy: Durkon, do you have a spell that protects against negative energy effects?
Durkon: Aye... but it'll only aff'ct one o' us atta time. Tho mebbe I c'n research a mass version o' it...
(D): Aye... but it'll only affect one of us at a time. Though maybe I can research a mass version of it...
Roy: Great. So if you cast that before the battle, and I charge in on the first round... No, wait... Belkar charges, then I move up and ready an attack to disrupt...
Haley: You're sure you're not mad at me?
Elan: I think so. Just as long as you're sure that she was really, REALLY bad.
Haley: If it makes you feel any better, I once saw Crystal head-butt an elderly gnome woman into a coma.
Elan: It does, actually. Thanks.
Belkar: Grkzzzzzz....
Vaarsuvius: I... Thank you. For what you tried to do back there. I have not always been the most considerate master. Or teammate. Or mate, for that matter. I appreciate the fact that, when the fate of the world potentially rested upon our actions, you were able to look past my previous mistreatment of you. As I have recently begun to learn, the fact that you did not succeed does not diminish the nobility of your effort.
Blackwing: You're welcome.
Vaarsuvius: I thought you informed me some years ago that you considered speaking in Common to be demeaning?
Blackwing: No, I said speaking to YOU in Common was demeaning. Try to not remind me why.
Vaarsuvius: Then tell me, please... what is it that you witnessed within the rift? What mysteries does a tear in the substance of reality hold that mesmerized you so?
Blackwing: I don't even know where to begin... It was- strange.
Vaarsuvius: A planet? Within the planet? I do not understand.
Blackwing: That's pretty much what I said, yeah.
Vaarsuvius: Perhaps... Perhaps we do not know everything we ought to regarding the task which we are undertaking.
<panel text> The Order of the Stick will return August 31st.

Previous Page | Index | Next Book

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alright everyone! Book three is done, and book four is posted! the "***" is where I've stopped editing to, but it seems there's a few of them...I think those were the three I was missing back a bit ago...I'm not sure, I'll figure it all out when I get there. If people cpuld look at book three and tell me anything I missed. As always, checking links is appreciated! One more book to go, once four is edited!

Thank you again everyone for your contributions to this project! Couldn't have gotten this far without you.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

The link on #487 is broken. Other than that, from a quick glance all the links seem fine. I can't believe we've gotten so far.

[DaggerPen]

Woah, looking good!

And I'm sorry to hear about the car crash - I hope you've recovered well.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The link on #487 is broken. Other than that, from a quick glance all the links seem fine. I can't believe we've gotten so far.

Fixed the link, and a few spelling errors that were pointed out. I'm pretty happy at how far we've gotten, as well! In the final stretch!

Woah, looking good!

And I'm sorry to hear about the car crash - I hope you've recovered well.

Thank you! This is my...second car crash since I've joined the forums, and the third car. Though this was the most serious.

I now have made a grand recovery, no permanent damage aside from the car, and I have gotten a new car, which is in better condition than what I had before, so that's nice.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Book 4 is completed! Now its time for you folks to comb through it to find mistakes. I noticed a lot of the transcriptions had typing mishaps in this book, like some had the wrong key hit.

For example: I'd lije to go to teh movies with Vaarsuvius.

Keep an eye out for those, I've likely missed some of them. Now to get Book 5 started!

[Jaxzan Proditor]

So, I've been looking through the transcriptions, and I've noticed a few things. One, as is to be expected in a project this large, several typos and formatting errors have crept into the work. I was wondering if we might want to split up the transcriptions among us and scan for errors? Second, I've noticed some differences in how we are handling Durkon's accent. Some transcriptions are going for a somewhat less literal translation (e.g. "whoa, thar" = "wait a minute"), whereas others are simply turning it into regular English (so "whoa, thar" would become "whoa, there"). Should we try to keep a little more consistency, and if so what method do we follow?

[TheWombatOfDoom]

So, I've been looking through the transcriptions, and I've noticed a few things. One, as is to be expected in a project this large, several typos and formatting errors have crept into the work. I was wondering if we might want to split up the transcriptions among us and scan for errors? Second, I've noticed some differences in how we are handling Durkon's accent. Some transcriptions are going for a somewhat less literal translation (e.g. "whoa, thar" = "wait a minute"), whereas others are simply turning it into regular English (so "whoa, thar" would become "whoa, there"). Should we try to keep a little more consistency, and if so what method do we follow?

I'll admit that I've not looked at the Durkon translations much, so that could definately use some help if there's a lot of that. Most of what I've done has been removing things like bolds to the translations, since that is a needless thing to repeat, or ones that literally are exactly the same as Durkon says it.

I'd say it should be as close to the intended words that Durkon uses as possible. Granpappy would be Grandfather, but Och is still Och. "Woah, thar" would be "Woah, there".

Any volenteers to scour books, or even look for certain things, like Durkon/Dwarf mis-translations?

[Jasdoif]

I'd say it should be as close to the intended words that Durkon uses as possible. Granpappy would be Grandfather, but Och is still Och. "Woah, thar" would be "Woah, there".

I wish you'd said "Och is still Och" when I was doing transcriptions

Anyway, here's a list of "Ochs" I found in the transcripts in the thread, that were translated and not simply transcribed:

• 34 - Oh
• 124 - Oh
• 229 - (Redaxe, not Durkon) Ah
• 247 - Oh
• 248 - Oh
• 298 - Oh
• 471 - Oh
• 473 - Oh
• 482 - Oh
• 501 - Oh
• 505 - Ah
• 506 - Wow
• 553 - Oh
• 556 - Oh
• 591 - Oh (twice)
• 599 - Oh (twice)

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I wish you'd said "Och is still Och" when I was doing transcriptions

Anyway, here's a list of "Ochs" I found in the transcripts in the thread, that were translated and not simply transcribed:

• 34 - Oh
• 124 - Oh
• 229 - (Redaxe, not Durkon) Ah
• 247 - Oh
• 248 - Oh
• 298 - Oh
• 471 - Oh
• 473 - Oh
• 482 - Oh
• 501 - Oh
• 505 - Ah
• 506 - Wow
• 553 - Oh
• 556 - Oh
• 591 - Oh (twice)
• 599 - Oh (twice)

Oh jeez. I apologize. Is that your way of saying you'd be willing to check some of the Durkon translations?

I mean, we chould always go with a translated version of "Och", based on everyone's consensus. There's also "Aye" and "Yes", but it could also still be "Aye", among some others.

What's the thoughts on it?

[Jaxzan Proditor]

I kept "aye" as "aye", but I translated "och" as "och" once, "oh" four times, and "yeah" once. The "och" is the only one on here. Whoops!

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I kept "aye" as "aye", but I translated "och" as "och" once, "oh" four times, and "yeah" once. The "och" is the only one on here. Whoops!

So, seeing this, perhaps I should make some examples of common things in the format post, such as -

Aye = Yes (or aye, if we think that's the way to go)
Och = Och (or whatever we decide...)
Granpappy = Grandfather
Pappy = Father

And a further line saying "please keep the transcription translation as close to the original dialog as possible.

(5 more posts until I begin to post "Blood Runs in the Family")

[Jasdoif]

Is that your way of saying you'd be willing to check some of the Durkon translations?

Afraid I don't have adequate time to commit to it.

Looking for specific words (like "och") is relatively easy, anyway. The "Spoilers -> Show All" expands all spoilers on the page, and there's only six pages in this thread so far (and the transcripts start on page 2). Searching the pages for the text from the comic via a browser's "find" function, then checking the following line for the translation, is pretty straightforward from that point.

[littlebum2002]

The "Spoilers -> Show All" expands all spoilers on the page

Where is that function?

[Jasdoif]

Where is that function?

Should've known I'd forget the important part....It's at the top-right of every post, in the header bar thing. Like "Spoilers - Top - End - #178".

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Afraid I don't have adequate time to commit to it.

Looking for specific words (like "och") is relatively easy, anyway. The "Spoilers -> Show All" expands all spoilers on the page, and there's only six pages in this thread so far (and the transcripts start on page 2). Searching the pages for the text from the comic via a browser's "find" function, then checking the following line for the translation, is pretty straightforward from that point.

Well, at this point you've helped me with finding some. If you ever have the freetime (or even desire) to do more, I'll take any small contributions. I don't mean for you to take on the whole thing.

So should I change Och to something else, or leave it Och?

Should've known I'd forget the important part....It's at the top-right of every post, in the header bar thing. Like "Spoilers - Top - End - #178".

I wish that worked on my usual computer I work on. It only works on my home computer, as it were. Alas.

(1 more post until book 5 begins being posted!)

[Grey_Wolf_c]

So should I change Och to something else, or leave it Och?

I vote Translate. To me, the primary point of the translation is to turn Dwarven accent into expected English (so that, say, if I want to search for mentions of anyone's grandfather, I don't need to remember how Durkon might spell it). This applies to searches of exclamations, too.

Grey Wolf