Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[Krazzman]

Roger McCrow: "Wait! We can't just kill this guy!"
Fanboy: "What are you talking about? You've killed more than a dozen people in the week since I've met you."
Roger McCrow: "Well yeah...but most of those were accidents."

A wasted quote... should've said something like "I just did."

[Kid Jake]

A wasted quote... should've said something like "I just did."

It was one of the early sessions, McCrow was still trying to act like they weren't superpowered mass murderers.




Some more quotes that came to me though:

Fanboy: "You can just call me the Fanboy, because that's what I am. I'm a fanboy for Lucas, a fanboy for Toryama, a fanboy...for justice."

Roger McCrow to Fanboy: "I scream something anti-Semitic and punch him in his stupid face."
Me: "Wait, what are you screaming?"
Roger McCrow: "It doesn't matter, he's not going to remember it when I'm done."

Fanboy: "I need to use the bathroom."
Guard: "Why are his eyes glowing?!"
Roger McCrow: "Umm...he needs to use the bathroom...so damned bad?"

Depaliamo: "Who the f*** are you two? What have I EVER done to you a**holes?"
Roger McCrow: "Let me put it this way. A wise man once said to me: 'Don't look at it like it's the end of the world. Look at it like taking out the trash.'"
Depaliamo just stares at him.
Roger McCrow: "You were the one who said that! Those were your EXACT words when you sent me packing to the gutter!"
Depaliamo stares for a moment before realization strikes "You're the drunken idiot that kept wrecking my forklifts!"

DHS Agent Parks: "Dammit you two, it looks like a gang war went down here. What the hell happened?"
Roger McCrow, lighting a cigar: "We won."

Fanboy: "Oh no, we fixed him. Now Johnny on the Spot (super speedster) needs a new nickname, because unless The Spot is a wheelchair he's not going anywhere near it anymore."


Roger McCrow kicking in a door while attempting a solo 'rescue': "I don't care what you want, you're going to come with me if you know what's good for you."
Terrified Mother: "No wait, please! I have children, they'll be home any minute!"
Roger McCrow: "Don't worry, they're coming too, I've got enough space in the warehouse for all of you. Now stop fighting me and put on your blind fold."


Stardust: "He had a baby!"
Agent Mann, holstering his gun: "HAD, being the operative word. Now we have the baby."

Michael Stockton: "They fixed me up. Some experimental procedure meant to get me back to kicking ass and taking names. Look, they even gave me a name taking book."

Michael Stockton: "You go back and tell Parks that I'm not one of his toy soldiers anymore."
Agent Mann: "Oh I know you're not a soldier Michael, you're an animal. And like an animal you're going to do your trick or you're going to get put down."

[DigoDragon]

d20 Modern?

Yep.


Quotes~

Spoiler

Show

Erik: "There are only four needed food groups: Salt, fat, sugar, and caffeine."

Jimmy: "The CSI team is here with the X-ray machine."
Solo: "Okay, crank up this thing to 11 and sterilize everything in Hot Topic!"
Erik: "I sense a vague hint that you don't like Hot Topic?"
Amaya: "..."
Solo: "I'm sorry, do you shop there, Amaya?"
Amaya: "Not anymore."

GM: "While the CSI team is workening on- er, workening?"

Amaya: "So what's your specialty?"
Erik: "I... read things."
Ronnie: "Hello, so a librarian then?"
Jimmy: "He's following a path much like your own, Amaya."
Solo: "So Erik worships Satan too?"

Alexander: *Opens his evidence kit*
Amaya: "Why do you have garlic and a wooden stake in there?"
Alexander: "You never know when you might need it."
Erik: "You know that doesn't really work."
Alexander: "You do not use garlic in your pasta the way we do in Russia."
Solo: "What, do you keep it fresh in that kit?"
Alexander: "Yes, between the iodine, salt, and oregano."
Amaya: "Does your evidence kit double as a spice rack?"
Solo: "Hey, lets sprinkle some nutmeg on the body, see if preserves the flavor."

Erik: "This has suddenly become a cross between The X-Files and Reno 911."

Alexander: "I bring the hammer out for Erik to see."
GM: "It attacks Amaya."
Amaya: "Ack!"
GM: "It drains 3 levels. It's a level draining hammer."
Solo: "New, from Craftsman!!"

Jenova: "Level draining hammers can be nasty, but easy to disarm if you know that it is one."
Amaya: "It worries me that you sound so confident about that."
Gene: "New? Craftsman has made and sold level-draining hammers for years! With lifetime guarantees."
Ronnie: "Hello, they sell level-draining hammers? Do they have dark sorcerers on the Board of Directors?"
Gene: "They did have, at one time. When they bought Orchard Supply Hardware the whole organizational chart changed. I don't know what happened to them."
Amaya: "Level drained into middle management I bet."

Ronnie: "Hello, not sticking a flame up my nose."

Random Person: "Why do you think it was me?"
Solo: "We can't read dwarven, but I found your name stamped on this hammer."
Random Person: "My name is Stanley."

Solo: "None of them owned a mirror so they couldn't see who wronged them."

GM: "The news reports got a good shot of the bones behind the wall."
Solo: "Did the camera man go under Amaya's skirt for that shot?"
Amaya: "He's soooo dead."
Ronnie: "Time to break out the VooDoo Broom?"

Jimmy: "It seems that Daniel's younger brother just made a death threat against the killer."
Solo: "He doesn't worry me. It's the older sister that worries me."
Amaya: "Why, she creeps you out for being so silent this entire time?"
Solo: "In a word... hell freakin' yeah!"

Solo: "Did Daniel have a girlfriend?"
Amaya: "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Ronnie: "Hello, why am I not in on this thought?"
Solo: "Yes, but Amaya's wearing the tu-tu."
Amaya: "You know, the ghost isn't the only one that can chuck a Ouija board."
Erik: "Are you two always this violent?"
Solo: "No, you should have seen our last two cases."
Amaya: "Even though this is our first case together?"

Ronnie "Hello, make with the clothes ripping, chop chop."

Amaya: "So far I think the ghost is the only one who's gotten any respect. And it's dead."

Solo: "Amaya, do you want to interview the older sister and I'll interview the possible girlfriend?"
Amaya: "I'm not very good at talking to people."
Solo: "Nor I unless they're shooting at me. Besides, you talked to Daniel."
Amaya: "That's different. Daniel's dead. It's just a spirit."
Solo: "So what about Ronnie?"
Amaya: "Ronnie is alive, but his social life is dead. That's the similarity."
Ronnie: "We're unhello now."
Amaya: "Fine, but if we're splitting the team, I call dibs on dragging Alexander with me. He can heal hit points."
Ronnie: "That means I'm with you, racecar!" :D
Solo: "...wait."

Alexander: "Why do you want me along? Am I to bless their home from ill spirits?"
Amaya: "In a way... offer some comforting words to the family. It'll break the ice so we can interview the sister."
Alexander: "How shall I word my service for the family?"
Solo: "Satan be gone!"
Amaya: "You know, I don't actually worship Satan."
Ronnie: "Says the goth girl with the Ouija board."
Amaya: *Chucks Ouija board - Nat 20*

Amaya: "I push the intercom button at the gate."
Speaker: "Can I help you?"
Solo: "Satan be gone!"
Amaya: "You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Butler: "Ma'am, your boiling oil and kangaroo are ready."

Erik: "I do like how I said things I would say, even though I wasn't there. Ever."

Solo: "Greetings madam. We're here to ask you a few questions about your relationship with Daniel."
Ronnie: "Were you banging the kid or what?"
Solo: "Ronnie, what's your IQ?"
Ronnie: "Dunno, I failed that test."
Solo: "It's supposed to gauge where you at, not what you at... at it..."
Erik: "I see the IQ test doesn't measure mastery of the English language."

GM: "Does the group do anything while they wait for the registrar?"
Solo: "I could check some leads in the girl's dorm rooms on campus."
Erik: "How old are you again?"
GM: "Solo, you age. Add a 1 in front of your current age."
Amaya: "So what, he's like 14 now?"

Solo: "Hey boss, we have a suspect and we're going to pick him up now."
Jimmy: "Excellent! I'll meet you at the station."
Amaya: "What's the suspect's name?"
Solo: "Hunter Grantskill."
Erik: "Hunter... Grants... kill..."
Amaya: "His parents must have loooved him as a child."

Solo: "I go up to the door and knock. Hello, Hunter Grantskill? This is the FBI."
GM: *Plays creepy Silent Hill 2 music*
Ronnie: "We're boned."

Solo: "Does the dwarf own a gun?"
Amaya: "Please say no, please say no, please say no..."
GM: "He has a license! And a hunting rifle!"
Ronnie: "Hello, boned status confirmed."

Clerk: "Can I ask why I'm being asked these questions?"
Solo: "I show him my badge."
Amaya: "We're from the government."
Ronnie: "We're here to help ourselves."

Solo: "Are we attracting attention?"
Amaya: "We've got four agents wandering around looking for a dwarf. One's jailbait, one's flashing a badge on a gold chain, and you're utilizing the cleric to sniff for alignments."
Alexander: *Sniff* "Hmmm... Chaotic Neutral."

[Sith_Happens]

Yep.

...Specifically, Urban Arcana. I had a feeling, but the only actual hint at such in the first batch of quotes was the repeated use of the word "dwarf" and those exist in real life.

[Janus]

PALADIN: I'm not going to hell with you, bud.
ENEMY: I'll drag you down with me!
PALADIN: It totally doesn't work like that. Seriously, read a Bible!

---

PALADIN: If you want to meet God or the devil, I can arrange a meeting.

---

NPC: Well, I have this book here that says-
PALADIN: What is this!? Look, at least spell words in a consistent manner!
NPC: A man is not literate unless he can spell a word in at least four ways.
PALADIN: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!

[Lakaz]

From my GW2 roleplaying group. I've got permission from most of them to post these and the rest have left and i can't contact them. Anyways, on with the quotes!

Thranden: "Swimming? In heavy armor? I dunno..."
Koren: "You have a rebreather, right? So sink to the bottom and walk."

Koren: "Yeah, us blood legion soldiers are good at drinking. It's- Dare i make the pun? It's in our blood".

Koren: "DAMMIT! Stop shooting teammates! You'll break my record for teamkilling."

Canterbane: "Okay, in the chest is... A few gold coins, a broken sword, a book, and somebodies ribcage"
Kee: "Dibs on the ribcage!"
Renali: "Dammit, i wanted the ribcage." *Pouts* "It'd make a good toy for my cubs."

Garruul: "So, how do you feel about killing the unkillable?"
Koren: "I prefer running away from the unkillable until i can find a tank"

Koren: "I shoot the flame legion soldier in the gut"
Random flame soldier: "I cauterise the wound with fire magic. HAH!"
Koren: "So... How exactly are you planning to get the bullet out then? Or to cure your now ruptured stomach?"
Random flame soldier: "Uh... Well damn."

Fencer: "Either you tell me what's going on, right now, or you take this gun and shoot me".
Koren: *Pause to think* "I shoot Fencer."

Erika: "But... how do i know this medicine doesn't contain any poision? Or anything i'm allergic to? Or drugs? Or..."
Irak: "It's a sugar pill. It doesn't contain ANYTHING"
Erika: "Wait, what?"
Irak: "It's a placebo, Erika."

Thrallclaw: "LEEEROOOOOY JEEENKIIINS!"
Kerath: "Wrong game, idiot. This isn't WoW"
Thrallclaw: "Oh, right. THRAAALCLLAAAAW NOOOOLASTNAME!"

Irak: "Irak takes the magenta potion and pours it carefully into the bowl, then pouring in the Cyan dust along with it and stirring gently for a moment"
Saphiir: "...Is he mixing printer paints?"

*Koren walks in*
Canterbane: "So when do we tell Koren?"
Koren: "Tell me what?"
All: "NOTHING!"

[Xaroth]

Austin: I wish Dante had legs that were perfect for his size, perfect for his race, his stature, his physical attributes, everything. I wish for him to have a set of legs perfect for him and in perfect condition.
DM: The Djinni rips Trev's legs off and attaches them to Dante.

[Martin Greywolf]

A bit of context, since this is alternate Avatar-verse, Ty Lee, Mai and Lu Ten all went through a gender bender.

Ursa: Is there any way I can thank you?
Nameless: Well, can you transfer an obscenely large sum to my bank account?

<Mai and Ty Lee go out of the forest hand in hand>
Nameless: I so don't want to know.

Ty Lee: You have been taking the airship out quite a lot. <snicker>
Nameless: I'll have you know I was testing the stabilizers, the damn thing wobbles too much.
Mai and Ty Lee: <smirk>
Nameless: ...stress testing, even.

Grenade: Oi! Nutter!
Nameless: Did my grenade just insult me?

Grenade: YOLO!
Nameless: I like this one.

Grenade: <in Portal turret voice> Hello. Are you still there?
Nameless: Huh.That's interesting.
Grenade: There you are. I love you, child. <starts bouncing away>
Ursa: Is it... is it actually going to find a child?
Nameless: ...I hope not.


Grenade: <explodes silently, smell of whiskey fills the air>
Nameless: I'm keeping this one for the parties.

[Lakaz]

Another pair from me, in a Call Of Cthulhu campaign.

"HELP! The professor's turned into tentacles and he's eaten the priest!"
and
"Yeah, turns out that nuking Cthulhu only made him angry and radioactive. And able to shoot lasers from his eyes."

[Ninjaxenomorph]

"See, you SAY the Promethean is dealable, but you're not here, dealing with it!"

[GPuzzle]

PC1: "Cthulhu is the god of what, exactly?"
PC2: "Madness, fear, destruction and tentacle porn."
PC1: "Great, Cthulhu is a mixture between Jack the Ripper, Aquaman and an otaku."

GM: "You walk into the ice ring and you see the Cold War happening."
PC1 and PC2: "What?!"
GM: "USA and USSR are looking at eachother with the Kill Bill soundtrack going on in the background with ice skates on their feet."
PC1 and PC2: *facepalm*
PC3: *headdesk*
PC4: *starts making the Kill Bill soundtrack with his mouth*
PC5: *makes a quick Hetalia sketch depicting the scene*

[Loxagn]

"Spring Break. Awesome. Let's see how many livers I can kill in one week."

[DigoDragon]

OPRI Quotes~

Spoiler

Show

Amaya: "We could flush out the dwarf if we had giant speakers, the SWAT team, a sound system, and Sam Donaldson."
Alexander: "How does that work?"
Amaya: "Cue in Mr. Donaldson."
Donaldson: *flat singing* "I am getting jiggy with it."
SWAT: *Blasts generic bass tune*
Donaldson: *flat singing* "I am getting jiggy with it."
SWAT: *Blasts generic bass tune*
GM: "Alright, alright! I surrender, you win the game! Just shut the man up!"
Donaldson: "I am getting jiggy with it."
Solo: "Someone shoot Mr. Donaldson."
SWAT: *Blam!*
Solo: "Thank you."

Solo: "Amaya, what time do you usually escape the day star?"
Amaya: "Uh, sunset? You know, when the day star leaves?"
Solo: "Yes, and you should know that time right down to the micron."
GM: "Interesting since microns aren't a measurement of time."

Amaya: "I'm going across the street to buy a bathing suit-"
Men in Party:
Amaya: "-a modest bathing suit."
Men in Party:

Amaya: "I like how the background music died when you stuttered."
GM: "Yeah, I'm used to it at work."
Alexander: "You listen to Silent Hill music at work?"
GM: "No, not specifically this soundtrack. I have a different pay list, I mean prayer list- gah!"
Alexander: "I have the prayer wrist, I mean list."
GM: "Gawd, we can't speak tonight."

Alexander: "I jot down the license plate number."
GM: "Okay, you jot down 'LOST TAG' from the napkin taped to the bumper."
Alexander: "I wonder how long that's been like that?"
GM: "The back of the napkin has the date August, 1989."
Amaya: "Wait, what?"
Solo: "I should steal that idea."

GM: "Rental cars come in all sorts of colors in Colorado. Mountaintop White, Rustic Brown, John Denver Ash."

Solo: *Calling Amaya* "Amaya, anything happening at the pool?"
Amaya: "No, it's quiet here."
Swimmer: "CANNONBALL!" *Splashes Amaya*
Amaya: "Relatively."
Onlooker: "Hey babe, wanna come back to my room?"
Amaya: "Screw off."
Onlooker: "That's what I'm trying to do."
Amaya: *Growls*
Solo: "Dispatch, send an ambulance. We're about to have a 3rd degree drowning at the pool."

7-11 Store Clerk: "Hello police? I got a cleric with binoculars in my store. I think he's looking for a school bus."

GM: "Amaya, you see him."
Amaya: "Where?"
GM: *Already took a bite of food* *Points at random parts of his face*
Amaya: "So... around the molars?"
GM: *Chewing* "Sowwy, didn't want to spway food evewywhere."
Alexander: "It's a molar imperative."
GM: "Alex, lose a level. Amaya, your clothes dissolve."
Amaya: "Eeep!" *Covers herself with a towel*
GM: "Your skin also dissolves."
Amaya: "...eww?"
GM: "The world dissolves. The show is over."
Amaya: "Damn, now I won't know who shot J.R."
GM: "You did."
Alexander: "In the hall."
Solo: "With the revolver."
Amaya: "And now I'm going to go home to sleep with my wife."
Everyone: *A cappella sings Shake, Rattle, and Roll*

Alexander: "Maybe we could contact news media and say we call off the search for dwarf?"
Solo: "Except Fox news is interviewing him. He's writing a book."
Dwarf: "If I Did It."

Alexander: "Where's Erik?"
GM: "On the 17th floor."
Alexander: "In a two-story building? Why?"
Solo: "Because there's no 18th floor."

Amaya: "So now we're a man in a three-piece suit, a cleric in a habit, and a girl in a two-piece bikini knocking on this guy's door."
GM: "Wait, you didn't change back into your normal clothes?"
Amaya: "No, I didn't have the time because the GM yanked me away from the party too quickly.
Ronnie: "Hello, I think I saw this on an episode of Hawaii-5-0."
Alexander: "So which character am I?"
Ronnie: "Um... honestly, I only remember the bikini part."

GM: "Alexander, Amaya, roll your investigate skill."
Amaya: "26"
Alexander: "29"
GM: "I'm sorry, you both overbid."
Solo: "Yodelleehoo!"

GM: "Everyone, roll Initiative!"
Solo: "Five."
Amaya: "Twenty-one!"
Alexander: "You think you can go before me? The great Alexander of Russia? I am the fastest-"
GM: "What roll did you get?"
Alexander: "...Fourteen."
Amaya: "Not 'Russian' as fast as you thought you were."

Ronnie: *Fast-draws his Magnum*
Solo: *Fast-draws his Python*
Alexander: *Fast-draws his Ruger*
Amaya: *Pulls out... her cell phone*
Ronnie: "Well, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. And your knife is in jpeg format."

Alexander: "I am a man of Pelor! You-"
Dwarf: *Shoots holy symbol out of Alexander's hand*
Alexander: "-Are on your own."

Solo: "Brandon's down! We're pinned out back."
Alexander: *Smashes through a window, grabs Brandon, and yanks him inside to safety*
GM: "Solo, you see the surrogate hand of Pelor reach out and claim Brandon."

Solo: "I jump into the window for cover."
GM:" Roll Dexterity since the blinds are closed."
Solo: "Four."
GM: "You crash into Ronnie jumping in and you both tumble to the floor."
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm not your type! You got face on my suit!"
Solo: "You got suit on my face!"
Amaya: "NO ONE finish this quote."

Amaya: "I'm running for the first floor."
GM: "And then what do you do?"
Amaya: "I don't know. I don't have a gun so I'm pretty useless right now."
Alexander: "We can get Ronnie to throw Amaya like a javelin."
Ronnie: "Hello, best plan ever!" *Starts rolling dice*
Amaya: "...what?"

Amaya: *Deadpan* "Dispatch, we're being shot at. We, the FBI. Geting. Shot. At. A lot. By a dwarf with a rifle. I don't know how you do things in Denver, but back in DC every officer on staff would be gunning down this sniper in five seconds. You might want to follow that example."
GM: *Staring at his nots for a proper reply*
Amaya: "Yes, I'll hold."

GM: "I can't... book."

Solo: "I'm running the shorter way around the balcony back to the dwarf's side."
Amaya: "I peek out the stairwell."
GM: "The Dwarf is on the roof. He's trying to gun down Jimmy running on the second floor balcony."
Ronnie: "Poking out the window. HELLO!" *Double-tap shot*
Amaya: "Screw it, I'm running the hall to the other side."
Solo: "So how did this fight turn into Hogan's Alley?"

Solo: "Can anyone roll higher than a 6 to hit the dwarf on the roof? Look, I just rolled an... 11."
GM: "Miss again."
Amaya: "Stop acting defensively. I've noticed we're doing better when we take risks."
Solo: *Tosses the dice in frustration*
Dice: *Rolls an 18 and 20*
Solo: "Where were you last action?!"

Dwarf: *Reloads*
Amaya: "I summon two doves. Just shoot him, Solo. Both barrels!"
Solo: *Fires both handguns and rolls a hit and critical hit*
Dwarf: "Ack!" *Drops the rifle, but tries to crawl away*
Ronnie: "Hello, you should take your rifle's advice and just..." *Axe-kick to the head*
Dwarf: *Is down for the count*
Ronnie: "...drop."

[Kid Jake]

Fanboy: "That depends...what was the worst thing that you heard?"
Parks: "Probably the part where a tree monster called me out by name on television in front of the whole world as the reason he murdered three hundred people and burned down half the city."
Fanboy: "Yeah...I thought that would be your least favorite part."

Fanboy: "Sorry about your job man. You know, I bet my dad could find you something if I asked him."
Roger McCrow: "I don't need your charity!" *hurls fruit cup at Fanboy*

Roger McCrow: "You know, your husband only died because the killer was looking for you."
*widow cries*
Roger McCrow: "Just think, if we'd done things your way your children would all be dead too."
*widow sobs louder*
Roger McCrow: "I'm not one to say I told you so, but it seems like someone owes old McCrow a 'Thanks for kidnapping me.'"
*widow breaks down and her kids start poking around the room to see what's the matter*
Roger McCrow: "Well, I'm gonna take off. Nothing kills the mood like kids."

Agent Parks: "Look, I know that you're in a spot and you lost your home; how about I set you up in a DHS safehouse until you're on your feet?"
Roger McCrow: "I don't need your charity!" *hurls phone against a brick wall*

Roger McCrow: "Hey buddy, I can relate. My first wife left me because she said I was never there for her too. Actually so did my second wife. My third wife though, well she was just a bitch. But my-"
Fanboy: "What he's trying to say Dan, is that so long as you're not him it's not too late."

Chavenski: "The hell happened to me? Where's that fat Italian?"
Fanboy: "Don't worry about Depaliamo, he's in a deep, dark hole."
Chavenski: "Ah, you killed the prick. Very good."
Fanboy: "No...we're just keeping him in a deep, dark hole."

[Sartharina]

you keep putting too much context with your quotes, kidjake!

[Kid Jake]

you keep putting too much context with your quotes, kidjake!

Yeah, I'm basically just copying and pasting some of them. I'll whittle them down.

[Prince Raven]

I feel like convincing my group to go play-by-post instead of using Skype so I don't have to try to remember any funny quotes.

[Kid Jake]

I feel like convincing my group to go play-by-post instead of using Skype so I don't have to try to remember any funny quotes.

We play in person, I just take notes for the Journal.

[golentan]

"If you want this to end, you'd better make damn sure I'm dead before I hit the ground. Because if I'm still alive, I'm coming for your ankles, mother****er."

[Dunsparce]

DM: Roll spot checks
Everyone: *rolls*
DM: (Doesn't bother to look at the results) The Fighters were lasagna all along!

[kopout]

some from last time

P1: Oh good, you have a plan. I was afraid we'd have to burn down the whole town.
P3: That's plan B

P1:Can we trust this guy?
Gm: Well, on the one hand Paladin, on the other hand lawyer

P4: so the tengu in the closet was a secret!?
P1(ooc):He was closeted

[ZeroGear]

A few from my new campaign.

"Maybe those are former skinchanger test subjects."

"They're mules, their inbreed"

"It would take me too ling to steal his soul and not yours as well."

"I skewer him with the rapier that's piercing his friend's body."

"Am I going to have to make a reflex save vs. falling cow?"

"I call my horse, she's called 'Murder Princess'."

"My horse is better at my job than I am."

"I'm looking though the goblin's junk... that came out incredibly wrong."

"Like ding doing ditch, but with fire and death!"

"Is the murder giving her the energy for the murder? Because that seems to be the case."

[DigoDragon]

Another trunk of quotes for fun~

Spoiler

Show

GM: "Is everything okay on that side of the table?"
Amaya: "Yeah, just helping Solo relearn math. His decimal was off."
Solo: "I love my decimal, it makes my math so exciting. Especially with bills."

GM: "And Cassie earns 3/4ths of an experience point."
Amaya: "Kudos, considering she's not a character in this campaign."
GM: "I'm sure she'll complain about that."
Alexander: "Complain about earning a free fractional experience point for not even appearing in this adventure?"
Solo: "Decimal."

Alexander: "Huh, there's apparently two skills I didn't add on my homemade sheet."
Amaya: "Proof-Reading being one of them."

GM: "Alexander, roll your wealth check. I'm sure you'd like to be paid for your work."
Amaya: "Watch him roll a 1."
Solo: "He earns 1,000... Rubles."

GM: "The paramedics arrive. It's easy to figure out who's the injured one, so they take Ronnie away in a straitjacket."
Ronnie: "Hello, what are you doing?!"
Paramedic: *Administers morphine*
Ronnie: "Ooh... keep that coming."

Solo: "Wait, so Ronnie gets taken away in an ambulance and then the actual paramedics show up? So who was the first group that arrived?"

Amaya: "If you fail to find thumbs on a duck, try not to act surprised."

Solo: "My problem looking at my Dossier is that I only have 3 'Attaboys' to balance against the 3 'Oh Boys' on there. So with this new 'Oh Boy' on my record I need to quickly make a new 'Attaboy' before the 4th 'Oh Boy' turns into an 'Oh Crap'."

Alexander: "I'll check up on the kid... wait, the physician is undoubtedly not done with him yet."
Physician: "Can't you wait until he's dead before Last Rites?!"

Amaya: "You know, Brandon could have been considered suicidal. He was out to kill the dwarf himself and we know the dwarf was armed while Brandon was not. Therefore, Solo's gamble to have Brandon with us when he was shot as opposed to Brandon getting shot on his own in a way saved the boy's life. How's that for your 4th 'Attaboy'?"
Solo: "That's a nice cover story, but really I'm-"
Amaya: "You're going to shut up now is what you're going to do."
Solo: "I can't just let this go-"
Amaya: "Yes you can."
Solo: "No I can't."
Amaya: "Yes."
Solo: "No."
Amaya: "Yes."

GM: "After Jimmy goes to talk to Brandon... I forget what comes next."

Solo: "What's the last thing you remember going through your head?"
Brandon: "A 30-06 you idiot!"

Solo: "Meanwhile our dwarf is tenderly having his wounds cleaned by nurses."
Amaya: "Hopefully with lighter fluid."
Jimmy: "Now now, that's not becoming an agent of the law."
Ronnie: "Hello, burning means it's working. The convulsions alone show pop that bullet right out of him."
Solo: "The nurses will then tape the bullet to his forehead-"
Amaya: "-And then throw the dwarf into a running MRI."
Jimmy: "... ..."
Solo: "Not sure what happened boss, he suddenly got shot in the head during a CT scan."

GM: "The next morning everyone has their coffee. Except for Amaya who's being forced to drink a Capri sun."
Amaya: "Why am I being punished?"
GM: "Because you're evil."

Peanut Gallery: "A meat stick called The Matador?"
Ronnie: "Hahaha... triple entrandre'!"

FBI Director: "Solo, what's that?"
Solo: "A Hanna Montana camera."
FBI Director: "This is a federal organization. With suits. And ties. And guns. Why did your purchase something that frames the evidence in Hanna's mugshot?"
Solo: "Well I wanted the Disney camera, but I doubt CSI would believe that the crime scene was cause by Maleficent."

Amaya: "I think we need more cases to keep the scientists busy."
Alexander: "What was your first clue, that they were trying to reenact experiments done by Bunsen Honeydew?"
GM: "Mi me mii!" *Explosion*

Amaya: "I wonder what our next case will involve."
Ronnie: "Hello, I hope it's Bat Boy! I owe him a kick in the teeth!"
Amaya: "Why do you owe him that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, everyone deserves a kick in the teeth."
Solo: "So how do you kick yourself in the teeth?"
Ronnie: "I don't bother. It'll probably hurt."

GM: "Well I... Um, excuse me, buffering..."

Jimmy: "Okay, let me get some directions."
Amaya: "You take the blue road north about 60 miles..."
Solo: "That's a river."

Solo: "It looks like the Tower of Sauron meets Castle Grayskull."
Alexander: "Meets Speed Racer."

GM: "Anyone do anything before bed?"
Amaya: "No, gonna sleep off the jet lag."
GM: "You know, jet lag usually involves crossing time zones, not driving from DC to Jersey at 88 mph."
Amaya: "Tell that to my stomach."
GM: "Still stuck on the Beltway?"
Amaya: "Well it's definitely moving in circles."

Alexander: "So two guys per room and the odd girl gets her own room."
Amaya: "Haha, I'm the odd girl... wait."

GM: "It's a mono-molecular vibrating bed."

GM: "This is not a very active town."
Amaya: "Good, our damage should go relatively unnoticed."

[Lakaz]

More from GW2

Numinarus: "I don't trust him, is all"
Koren: "Why not? He's friendly enough, he's done nothing but help me"
Numinarus: "Last time we met he stabbed two of my soldiers, garroted another one with sausage links somehow, then walked into the officers lounge and asked for a cup of tea!"
Koren: "See? He's awesome! Totally trustworthy!"

Koren: "So, you blessed my cub... what exactly will that do, again?"
Shen: "Well, think Wilbur Whately, and you're pretty close"

Koren: "So, on the one hand, he's a jerk and we should ignore him. On the other hand, usually he's given us good advice in the past... On the third hand, he DID staple me to a mountain and set me on fire. And of course, on the fourth hand, why the hell do i have so many hands?"

Koren: "I glare at the pidgeon, making it very clear that i am keeping my eye on it so it shouldn't try any funny business".

Irak: "I think i've ascertained the cause of death! The patient must have dued due to this gaping hole in his chest!"

Shen: "All crazy people like Coffee. It's a fundamental law of the universe"

[SickBritKid]

My Ranger: Crap, I botched my dialogue!

[SickBritKid]

DM: The Ghost has a nosebleed after looking at her.

[SickBritKid]

Me: We pack [the beguiler's] hole.

[Sith_Happens]

"So [Cleric] just saw the Mirror Gate [from The Neverending Story]?"

DM: "It is the source of magic in the world."
Player 1: "And you had to call it 'The Rift.' You do know what else a 'rift' means, right?"
Player 2: "A big crack in the ground."
Player 1: "Or..."
Player 2: "A big crack in the planes."
Player 1: "Or..."
Player 2: "A big crack."
Player 3: *rimshot*

PC 1: "What is your name?"
NPC: "You can call me Tillinghast."
PC 2: "Tilling ass?"

"Yes, this is an indoor theater."
"Oh, I thought we were outside and that that was literally the fourth wall cracking."

DM: "She's about a four."
Player: "A four? That's like mediocre."
DM: *holds up a d20* "A four."

Female NPC [to PC 1]: "That's too bad, I was looking forward to another sword in my sheath."
PC 2: "I thought you just said you didn't want any of this stuff?"
NPC: "Not the gnoll weapons, no."
PC 2: "I guess most of them are pretty shabby, I take your point."
NPC: "I hope your sword isn't shabby."
PC 2: *looks confused* "You've seen it, you know it isn't."

Player: "I'm pretending that [my character]'s educated."

DM: "You find a note saying that [ghost NPC] has declined your offer to come with you."
Player: "Darn, between the super-fast Rejuvenation and fully-corporeal Manifestation he could have been our trapfinder."

[Dimers]

"What we're doing is poetic INjustice."

"Oh, right, last week when you were away, I acquired a mime and created a coffee empire. Sorry, I forgot."

[bulbaquil]

P5: "Yeah, and you know what else can put kinetic energy into water? Stick a fire under it."

P1: "I found the penny, but I dropped the benny."

P2: "I have a job for you, Nick."
P1: "Nicho-las." (character name)
P2: "Yes, Nicholas. This will give you a nickel more."
P3: "What's a 'nickel'?"
GM: "Five-copper coin."