Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[Sith_Happens]

First mate: Down below is the hold, the Zombie oarsmen... and the goat.
Player 1: The goat?
First mate: Aye, all crew aboard the ship will spend a little time with the goat when at sea.

[Inevitability]

Me: Talking with you about alignment is like talking with a shark about joints.

[Ralanr]

Player to DM: So, how can I tell where the fat guy ran off too?
Player 2: Follow the sweat.


And another little gem.
Oni: She must have the book, tell me where it is.
Player: Can you be a bit more specific? She has a lot.

[Dexam]

Half-Ogre Barbarian: *licks a splash of blood off dungeon wall* "Mmm... tastes feline."
Catfolk Rogue: (suspiciously) "How would you know?"
Human Bard:

Spoiler

Show

Human Wizard: *grins evilly* "I know what you're thinking!"

[goto124]

I don't...

[Lord Raziere]

I don't...

I however do, there are only two possible ways to interpret that...both involve screaming though, different kinds of screaming but nevertheless, you probably don't want to know. that and I am not in the habit of explaining the joke.

[Makiru]

Rainicorn Guard: I've never seen you before. You seem really short and dull for a rainicorn.
Me:[outstanding untrained Bluff] We can't all protect the pretty colors. Some of us just have to live with it.
Rainicorn Guard: I guess you do have a point...


Same game, different character:
Me: I still can't believe hollowing out Daleks worked this well!

[Dexam]

I don't...

Let me put it this way: explaining the joke probably breaks forum rules, and it's for exactly that reason that I (playing the human bard) didn't actually *say* what I was thinking during the game.

[DigoDragon]

Human Bard:

Spoiler

Show

This is the best gif response I have ever seen
I'm totally stealing this for later. Thanks for making my morning!

---

Viridia: “I was thinking Strip Magic: the Befriending.”
Doc: “I guess in pre-war days that kind of game didn't take long.”
GM: “Oh yeah baby, take off that hat!”

Doc: “There just hasn't been any situation that a modifier has been really called for. Like making us search for something in a rainstorm. Also known as Enclave Trash Dumping Day.”

Livewire: “What color was that building described as?”
Viridia: “Rainbow and glitter.”

Doc: “That scalpel was not made to be used that way!”
Livewire: “I’m kinda glad I’m not there. I might have opened fire by now.”

Viridia: “Interesting! Would you like to see my essay on the difference between cakes and biscuits?”

Doc: “But what do I know? Maybe the ferals have picnics at night.”
Viridia: “If you go down to the slums today,
You'd better go in disguise.
If you do down to the slums today,
You're in for a big surprise.
Because today's the day the feral ghouls have their piiiicnic!”

Doc: “I dunno, if a voice is asking you to bring all your friends over, that sounds like a bigger trap than when the Roach King disguised himself as Viridia.”

Viridia: “All the good swear words have sharp, short sounds.”
GM: “I'm a fan of meadow muffins myself.”

Doc: “You know how Mr. Mason is quiet and polite? A feral ghoul growls while eating your liver.”

Tirkes: “I’m probably going to the docks. I want to check out some of the sailors.”
[Beat]
Tirkes: “I mean, see what’s happening around other settlements around the lake.”

Viridia: “I wouldn't dare to call most of them my friends, though, since there are only two of them I feel like I actually like right now.”
Doc: “My first thought was ‘Stellar’ and ‘Stellar’s Wings’.”

Viridia: “Even if I don't like them all right now, it doesn't mean I won't in the future, y'know? I mean... I don't believe anybody's one hundred percent a ****.”

GM: “The crowd here is a heck of a lot rougher.”
Doc: “Free bar fight with the purchase of two drinks?”

Viridia: “...is that building a brothel?”
GM: “It's a festhall, thank you.”

Doc: “Is there a minimum Intimidation needed to drink here?”

Livewire: “You should run a game set in Pony India.”
Viridia: “Not with all the Naga politics.”
Livewire: “Ugh! I re-coil in disgust at anything to do with all those civil serpents.”

[braveheart]

Ohhhh you meant a kidnaping not a kid who is napping

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: "You figured out how to get in to the secret guild hall door, but you can't figure out how to get out?
Ranger: "Oh, wait! I've worked here for five years. I know how to open the door!"


Fighter: "I think that's the first time my character's eye color has been relevant in a game."


DM: "It's the capitol of the church of goodly goodness. It is literally the safest place on the entire planet. Why are you all approaching it like you would a necromancer's lair?"


Warlock: "Hey, if that deacon wants to come with us, then he needs to wear something other than highly-visible church robes. What we're about to do will probably start at least two wars; we don't need to throw in a holy war as a bonus."


Fighter: "Oh hey, my parents retired there. They should be able to help us."
DM: "Your parents retired to a country embroiled in civil war, and where they persecute your kind rather openly?"
Fighter: "They like to live dangerously."

[Inevitability]

Monk: Hey, what about the kobold?
Wizard: He's a kobold. If we take him out adventuring, he'll get himself killed.
Me: [Wizard's player], you get an incoming Sending. Please read this note.
Wizard: I pick up the kobold and don't let him ever go.

[braveheart]

Monk: Hey, what about the kobold?
Wizard: He's a kobold. If we take him out adventuring, he'll get himself killed.
Me: [Wizard's player], you get an incoming Sending. Please read this note.
Wizard: I pick up the kobold and don't let him ever go.

I know it's blasphemy but I would love some context here

[rs2excelsior]

"No one attacked me? You attacked me!"
"I didn't attack you!"
"You grappled me!"
"I didn't even hurt you..."
"You hurt me on the inside!"

[Hunter Noventa]

Ember: What is the CR of Captain Planet?

[Diachronos]

Rogue 1: "I bought a second coat."
DM: "Why?"
Rogue: "Because she has money, her old one was thin and ratty, and now I can comfortably do this and still be in character."

"Okay, now where is all the world's meat..."

Rogue 2: "Who has Profession (Butcher)?!"
DM: "Butchers!"

DM: "Does an 18 hit you?"
Magus: "No."
DM: "Okay. Now you can murder him, Max."

[Sith_Happens]

Let me put it this way: explaining the joke probably breaks forum rules, and it's for exactly that reason that I (playing the human bard) didn't actually *say* what I was thinking during the game.

What's against forum rules about eating cats?

Doc: “But what do I know? Maybe the ferals have picnics at night.”
Viridia: “[I]If you go down to the slums today,
You'd better go in disguise.
If you do down to the slums today,
You're in for a big surprise.
Because today's the day the feral ghouls have their piiiicnic!

Just when I thought your quotes couldn't get any better.

Fighter: "Oh hey, my parents retired there. They should be able to help us."
DM: "Your parents retired to a country embroiled in civil war, and where they persecute your kind rather openly?"
Fighter: "They like to live dangerously."

Justifying Your Backstory 101.

[DigoDragon]

GM: “To be clear, ponies are made of sparkles and good feelings.”

Viridia: “How does a stallion with one eye wink?”
Doc: “Slowly?”
Livewire: “It's BLINKING that's hard for them!”

GM: “Mirror Armor seemed surprised by the offering, but she did levitate the snack cake out of Doc’s hoof and started munching on it, which was probably the closest thing Doc could get to a romantic gesture in a place that had cartoonish pictures of fish on the walls.”

Viridia: “’SNEAK ATTACK!’ Viridia cried out, leaping forward and slamming her hoof straight into the stallion’s cojones!”

Doc: “Yeah, V makes me wish I made a more social character.”
Viridia: “To be fair, Viridia is specialized in the only skill that can be mostly substituted with good roleplaying.”
Doc: “I dunno. I seem to be on the flip-side of that coin; a lot of situations soured because I lack the skill despite my good RPing.”
Viridia: “Really? I feel like Doc has made more friends than Viridia. Mirror and Tirkes are two examples.”
Doc: “When it comes to passing acquaintances I think Viridia does better than Doc. Especially with bartenders and about half the world’s zebras.”
Viridia: “I think I might be more likely to use my crotch-punch if I met the bartender.”
Doc: “If I weren’t such a nice pony I’d pay you to do that... and then the injury to insult is me rolling Medicine to treat him.”

Moon: “She's a damsel and in distress. We adventuring types are suckers for that.”

GM: “Viridia could probably leave now, given that it's now Stellar’s turn to meet the contractual Fallout Equestria lesbians.”

Doc: “A large part of me is hoping that poor desk mare is spared. Or at least a loud screamer.”

Moon: “I think that Special Snowflake is likely an overly harsh boss and the punishment is disproportionate to the crime.”
Doc: “What's the law that Snow installed to deal with crooks and thieves?
S-A-D I-S-M A-B-U-S-E
Hey there Hi there Ho there here's your rib cage for all to see!
S-A-D I-S-M A-B-U-S-E”

GM: “Boat pony speak is a beautiful and nuanced tongue, filled with imaginative metaphorical phrases and has a sort of laconic aspect that makes it favored by many.”
Viridia: (Mock speak) “Me and Adam'll head to the anthill, grab some bubs, and avoid the bally sods. Sound square?”
GM: “Wut wut tally hoser?”

Moon: “My inability to roll under a 6 is causing some distress here.”
Doc: “Welcome to my world.”
GM: “Luckily, Special Snowflake is as stupid as she is pretty, and she's really pretty.”

Doc: “Damn, if only I had a morgue, a body bag, and an open window…”

GM: “Rolling Science; must be under 70 to do a super not-nice unicorn thing.”
Dice: *Rolls a 9*
Livewire: “At least we weren't in a tall building and it wasn't Power Word: Defenestrate.”

[goto124]

Doc rolled under 70, didn't he? Or he's supposed to roll 70 or over?

[Benthesquid]

Andarius- We are not pickpocketing babies from pregnant women's wombs.

[GAAD]

"Well, on the bright side, today we learned rogues are not meat shields."

[DigoDragon]

Doc rolled under 70, didn't he? Or he's supposed to roll 70 or over?

It was actually the boss we were fighting that rolled. And in this system lower rolls are better.

[the OOD]

Leochou: remember; be precise, minimize collateral damage, lead with grenades.

Petra: I can dodge the ground.
GM: don't be silly, you can dodge *gravity*
Petra: right, sorry.

Tesla: those laws of physics of yours? diplomatic immunity.
GM: that won't he- wait. oh god.

Aron: I think I can survive this.
Leochou: oh look, Hells Bells started playing. I'm looping it until I catch you.
Aron: ...I'm going to have to reroll, aren't I?

Leochou: y'know what's stupid? puppys are stupid.
GM: but they *are* sexy.

Aron: *fires a 6-inch armor-piercing spike point-blank into Leo's eye*
GM: you see the spike hit his eyeball dead on, glance off, and end up resting with the point in his tear duct.
Aron: wait, what?
Leochou: meh, I blink it out.
Aron: oh sh--

[Bucky]

Boris: I'm a bodyguard by trade. I protect people from other people.
(Boris sips his drink)
Boris: Although the guy who was paying me just died, so I'm looking for new business.

[Sith_Happens]

Boris: I'm a bodyguard by trade. I protect people from other people.
(Boris sips his drink)
Boris: Although the guy who was paying me just died, so I'm looking for new business.

How Not to Give a Sales Pitch

[Dasgovernator]

Val: "Would you take it personally if my Amulet ate your horse?"
Victor: "Yes"
Val: "Damn. Worth a shot"

Val: "You have protection from Charity"

Val: "Yellowshields. Like Redshirts but for fantasy"

DM: "And the Griffon fails his save against the petrification, collapsing and dropping its rider"
Val: "Bringing new meaning to the phrase 'Dropped like a rock'"
Victor: "We should go tell the Demons--we're making all the Paladins fall today"

Nerusk: "Who would lie while pinned under a zombie dragon?"

[DigoDragon]

GM: “I'm going to call a brief interlude, especially for those currently stuck in purgatory (Viridia) or are currently meat puppets (Livewire).”

Doc: “I want to bring Mirror. I just thought of The Best Idea Ever and I need to prevent a murder.”
Stellar: “Whose murder?”
Doc: “That part I haven’t decided yet.”

GM: “Everyone present, roll Charisma, at a -2 penalty to resist the spell!”
Stellar: *Fails*
Viridia: *Fails*
Mirror: *Fails*
GM: “Two out of three pegusi know that Special Snowflake is the prettiest, most perfect pony to ever live!”
Doc: *Critical Success*
GM: “…huh.”

Doc: “And then Doc showed up to the party, so naturally somepony was going to die.”

Stellar: “Seduction hoy!”

Doc: “Pony laws don't apply to non-ponies.”
Viridia: “There are pony laws?”
Doc: “Well... okay maybe more like guidelines.”

GM: “If the party fights, they shouldn’t be expecting outside ponies to come and see what’s going on.”
Doc: “We’ll just say Snow had a boating mishap.”

GM: “The air turned into a storm of steel and golden magic and little sprays of blood.”

Doc: “But hey, this is self-defense. Just happened that all five of us defended ourselves at the same time.”
Viridia: “Yes, Scimitar! All five of us had to defend ourselves against this lone, unarmed and unarmored mare by bludgeoning her to death in her own office!”
Doc: “Unarmed? Snow had Rainbow-Powered Mind-Screw Magic (patent pending)!”
Viridia: “Well, she does magic with her horn, and that’s clearly in the Weapons List as Unarmed.”
Doc: “Surgical tools! I can vouch for the dangers of waving those around! So yes, we had to bludgeon Snow with her office... I mean, in her office. With her office.”

Stellar: “Critical success on healing the enemy!”
Doc: “Irony how I rolled that.”

Viridia: “Tirkes saying something doesn't make it true. Penny is no more the mayor than Martha is.”
Tirkes: “Was that the name of that geriatric mare you screwed fifteen minutes ago?”
Viridia: “I didn’t catch it. She had much better things to do with her mouth than tell me her name.”

Doc: “Hordes of zombie townsponies coming at us just sounds like a lot like a 'curl up in fetal position' moment to me.”

Stellar: “D@mn it Digo, you're making a habit of quoting my typos!”

Viridia: “Screw the Sheriff! This is our town now! Oakville belongs to the… Whatever our team name is!”
GM: “I like to think of you all as the Pancake Party, myself.”

Doc: “Doc is worst pony. Shame on him for being born with that Y chromosome!”

Viridia: “Sorry, Doc. I must go with the numbers!”
Doc: “Oh right, duh. Y'all don't roll as crappy as I usually do.”

[Sith_Happens]

Stellar: “D@mn it Digo, you're making a habit of quoting my typos!”

[IZ42]

Mokan: Alchemist's Fire IS discreet! At least compared to ~1400 lbs. of molten iron.

Clarisa: You're sturdy and heal fast right?
Mokan: Yeah, why?
Clarisa: OK, noted.
Mokan: Do I get a say in this?
Clarisa: You get a save in this.

Clarisa: We should make underwear out of the color of eldritch horrors!
Everyone Else: YES!


There's more from tonight but I suspect a bunch of it is overly questionable content.

[Rakoa]

Mokan: Do I get a say in this?
Clarisa: You get a save in this.

New favourite line ever.