Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[janusmaxwell]

Oops...that's not what priapism is...that's when you have an erection that will not go away. Still funny though!

[golentan]

Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

This is like in DarthsandDroids when it was revealed that R2-D2's player got all sorts of extras for making his robot "lactose intolerant"

I'm f-ing dying over here!

No. Priapism as in the inability to lose an erection, which can lead to thrombosis (clots) thromboembolism (clots that go wandering about the body cutting off circulation and messing with the heart), and of course the penis losing oxygenation and becoming necrotic and rotting in place/falling off.

You're thinking of Fordyce Spots.

[Necroticplague]

Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

No. Priapism is the opposite of erectile dysfunction, where it wont go down . Painful at times, but certainly not lethal.

[golentan]

No. Priapism is the opposite of erectile dysfunction, where it wont go down . Painful at times, but certainly not lethal.

It can be. Without intervention, there are two or three complications it can develop that can, indeed, be lethal.

[Amidus Drexel]

While terminal anorgasmia sounds pretty horrible, the nymphomania one was the funniest.

[Alex12]

Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

This is like in DarthsandDroids when it was revealed that R2-D2's player got all sorts of extras for making his robot "lactose intolerant"

I'm f-ing dying over here!

Nope. You know how, in ads for Viagra and such, they tell you that if you don't go down after four/six hours, call a doctor? That's priapism. It's extremely painful, and can in fact be life-threatening.

[janusmaxwell]

DM: The BBEG is in at the heart of the Mountain!
PC1: Can I make a check to find the lungs and throat of the mountain? I think I can figure out where the heart is from there.
Krang: I make a goblin check to find the toes of the mountain! I'm short enough, it should be easy!

[GPuzzle]

PC1: "Rice mode, activate!"

GM: "What's your character name again? Matthew Silver, right? And you're English, isn't it?"
PC2: "Exactly."
GM: "So, there's this sudden burst of smoke, and then this man who looks like Martin Freeman is atop a horse screaming 'Hiyo, Silver!'"

PC3: "I'm an ex-KGB agent."
PC4: "I'm a ninja from Portugal."
PC5: "I'm an ex-FBI agent."
PC1: "I'm a biological weapons creator that disguises himself as a rice farmer."
PC2: "I'm an ex-assassin for hire turned merc."
GM: "What is this, Shadowrun?"

[ZeroGear]

Puzzle, if it isn't Shadowrun what is it?

[Neli42]

Player 1: "His secondary beard."
Player 2: "Secondary beard? Where would that even be?"
Player 1: "In an undisclosed location."
Player 2: "I'm leaving."

(^In our campaigns this is known as the "netherbeard").

GM: Freaking out is a free action.

[GPuzzle]

Puzzle, if it isn't Shadowrun what is it?

d6-lite. Spy d6-lite, to be more exact, but it ended up as the lovechild of James Bond movies, the Bourne series, Exalted, Shadowrun and the first Johnny English movie.

[Sith_Happens]

Maya:*sigh* You WOULD be the last thing standing after an exterminatus. You crazy son of a !@#$%.

Being Krieg, you're doing it right.

Nicolette: "Why would you storm the place without me anyway?"
Amaya: "Because it's fun and I like being ill prepared."

THIS. This is every RPG group ever.

GM:*Sighs* Once again, every one of you has taken Terminal Illness at the highest level for the points. Well, at least I get to read what's killing all you guys this time.
*Reads through character sheets*
GM:Dang it, this is what I get for playing with pre-med students. I've never heard of this stuff! Priapism, Nymphomania, Satyrism, Anorgasmia? Ah well, dropping dead after a month is dropping dead after a month, who cares how its gonna happen?

How to Prank Your GM: Scientific Literacy Edition.

(^In our campaigns this is known as the "netherbeard").

I am so telling my group this.

[bulbaquil]

P1: "...because I'm Medium-sized, and..."
GM: "You're s***ing me!"
P1: "TIMING!"
P3: "I don't believe you're Medium-sized!"
P2: "You can't be Medium-sized! You *never* play Medium-sized characters!"

P3: "I roll a 17 to disable the wind."
P2: "I start suffocating because there's no air."
P3: "I roll a 20 to re-enable the wind."

P2: "Standard action: Inspire! I pratfall like a m***********."

[DigoDragon]

P3: "I don't believe you're Medium-sized!"
P2: "You can't be Medium-sized! You *never* play Medium-sized characters!"

I had a player with that quirk. He was 6' 2". He exclusively played halflings. Not even for optimizations purposes. He just loved playing short characters.


Alexander: "Who is sitting there?"
Peanut Gallery: "That would be Ronnie. You have Ronnie, the GM, Nicolette, and Amaya."
Ronnie: "What?"
GM: "What?"
Nicolette: "What?"
Amaya: "I am sooo quoting this moment."

Nicolette: "I need to ask Alexander something that he has to ask the GM to get the information on."
Amaya: "Why not skip the middle man and ask the GM directly?"
Nicolette: "Sorry cleric, I'm talking directly to your god."

Ronnie: "You fathered an evil genius. Congrats."

GM: "So in Ronnie's car it's Amaya and Nicolette. The two females on the team."
Ronnie: "Hello, I have mixed feelings about this."

Spoiler

Show

GM: "Ronnie?"
Ronnie: "Hello?"
GM: "Make a Drive check."
Ronnie: (Rolls a 2) "Hello... this is going to suck."
GM: "You swerve off the road as the Jersey Devil leaps on the front windshield."
Amaya: "Ahhhh!!"
Ronnie: "Hello! Don't scratch the paint job, you devil!"
Nicolette: "Plug your ears, I'm shooting it!"
Ronnie: "No, don't shoot! You'll damage my Beamer!"
GM: "The Jersey Devil punches clear through the windshield to get to you, Ronnie."
Ronnie: "Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!"
GM: "Nicolette, you can't shoot. A second devil has reached into the passenger window and grabbed your gun arm."
Nicolette: "Are we devil magnets?!"
Ronnie: "They're going to be deviled eggs for hurting my car!"

GM: "And... Amaya you wake up from that nightmare."
Amaya: "... ... ...Ronnie pull over at that gas station."
Ronnie: "Why, you need to go?"
Amaya: (Trying not to cry) "I might already have."

Amaya: "I ask the clerk for the key, I calmly go into the bathroom, and lock the door."
Alexander: "Watch the bathroom key have a Jersey Devil keychain."
GM: (Rolls a 20) "It does. A little cartoony devil."
Amaya: "I turn the keychain to face away from me."
GM: "Okay... so what are you doing?"
Amaya: (Goes ballistic punching the wall, kicking the door, and throwing things)
Alexander: "Uh... is she okay in there?"
Amaya: "I calmly exit the bathroom, hand the key back to the clerk, and start pouring myself the largest cup of the blackest coffee they have.
Nicolette: "Does Amaya even drink coffee?"
Ronnie: "Hello. She never has."
Jimmy: "She's verbally said she's hated coffee. Twice."
Alexander: "Oh yeah, she's definitely snapped."

GM: "You arrive at the doctor's house."
Ronnie: "I drove semi-ballistically."
GM: "Okay, roll me a Drive check."
Ronnie: "Don't have to. I'm driving an ICBMW."

Gene: "Is that the (in)famous Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Winnebago that stand-off comedian Gallagher immortalized?"
Ronnie: "Yes, but it's okay. I'm insured."
Gene: "Insured is obviously important, but the real question is- Was it armed and loaded?"
Amaya: "Well we're all still alive and New Jersey is still on the map so... I guess not."

Alexander: "I find dead ghosts?"
GM: "Correction, dead zombie ghosts."

Ronnie: "You remember the last time we saw something in the trees? Like that, but without the love letter."

Alexander: "Did you see anything?"
Ronnie: "I saw an Elton John concert."
Alexander: "And your opinion of it?"
Ronnie: "I don't care. I have no opinion."
Alexander: "Then it was an Elton John concert."

Amaya: "I call Erik."
Erik: (Answers cellphone) "Hello?"
Amaya: "It's Amaya. Have you made any progress on the ward and the icon translations?"
Erik: "I have, yes."
Nicolette: "We could ask old man Bibby about the translations. He may know the symbols."
Amaya: "But we don't trust Mr. Bibby. Besides, we might as well use Erik's skills since he's not doing anything else."
Erik: "You know you're still on the phone with me, right?"
Amaya: "FFFFFFFFFF! Nicolette, you're a *ick."
Nicolette: "The correct term is b*tch."
Amaya: "I'm not insulting b*tches everywhere."
Ronnie: "Well, at the right angle she kind of looks like a female dog."
Amaya: "Shut it."

Nicolette: "Hey Aries, I need you to stop looking at porn and look up something equally important."

Nicolette: "We're dealing with a suicide cult, right? I theorize they're hiding at the cementary outside of town."
Amaya: "Let's go. It's night out so it'll be prime culting time."
Nicolette: "No, I think we should go during the day."
Amaya: "Let's vote then. All for a night visit to the cementary, raise your hand."
Amaya, Ronnie, & Alexander: *Raises hand*
Amaya: "All in favor of visiting during the day?"
Nicolette: "I have four limbs and three of them will be going up."
Amaya: "But only one will count. Night visit it is."
Nicolette: "Okay, but don't tell me I didn't tell you so."
Amaya: "And don't tell me you don't like doing the extreme."
Nicolette: "... damn, you got me there."

Amaya: "So... who wants to say hello to the nice lady in the cementary?"
Nicolette: *Points to Ronnie*
Amaya: "Sure, send the guy with less people skills than me."
Alexander: "Why don't I go? A cleric isn't unusual in a cementary."
Amaya: "And she's not a kid so it's all kosher. Go for it."

Lady: "What brings you out here this late?"
Alexander: "I would ask you the same thing."
Lady: "Mourning."
Alexander: "...? No, it's only 9 PM."

Alexander: "I mixed the month and day together, I was going to say there's no month with 36 days."
Ronnie: "Hello, you forgot Smarch."

GM: "The lady isn't married. That wasn't her husband she was mourning there. That was her father."
Amaya: "I was mentally saying 'Father', but I wrote 'Husband' anyway. Despite my brain telling my fingers the correct answer. I'm going for coffee."
Ronnie: "Hello, it's weird that jailbait is drinking the joe now. She possessed or something?"
Alexander: "I can't decide if I want to exorcise her or join her on the coffee run."
Nicolette: "Have her eat one of the breakfast sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts and you can do both!"

Ronnie: "There's some freaky stuff going on here. It's all Satany."
Team: *Everyone looks at Amaya*
Amaya: "What?"

Ronnie: "Yeah, cause if you wail on the button like a vibrator with Parkinsons..."

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm ambling over in that direction. Danger is my middle name... well actually it's Francis."
Nicolette: "Ronnie Francis Danger Stoppable?"
GM: "What?"
Amaya: *Hums the Kim Possible phone tune*
Ronnie: "Gotta go, Zordon's calling."

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm like a substitute for a relationship. Use me and throw me away like double-A batteries."
Nicolette: "Except all the girls in your life need C batteries for their relationships."
Ronnie: "...we're unhello now."

GM: "The creature steps out from behind the tombstone, growling at you."
Ronnie: "Hello... I got nothing." *Draws his gun and starts shooting*

Amaya: "Bravery is a cross-class skill?"
Ronnie: "For cowards."

Ronnie: "I'm gonna commission someone to make me a Thermal/Monocular/Imaging... pokedex."

Amaya: "But whatever you do, don't call the fire department OR the FBI."

Amaya: "Where was this fire at?"
Nicolette: "The fireman's age was 50. He was probably fighting fires at the geritol plant."

[GrayGriffin]

"Letitia x Noah
She will whip him into shape if she has to kill him to do it
Maybe Pygmalionshipping, based on the Pygmalion Plot trope"
"Fish make people smelly and who wants to make friends like that? Nobody, that's who. And yeah, the Noah Letita partnership happens, I can totally see that, lol"
"It's extra funny since Pygmalion Plot usually refers to a rich/high-class person teaching a lower-class person how to become more refined
But it'd basically be the inverse in this case"

"Oh man, I got the mental image of Letitia grappling a Braviary
Magnificent"

Discussing Homebrew...
"hopefully Heir can't quite use money to blow up tanks, though"
"Heir can tutor Payday onto Pokemon.
And inflict certain volatile status effects by literally throwing money at the opponent."

"Should I or should I not change 'Bribery' to 'Screw the Rules, I Have Money'?"

When the aforementioned pair meets for real...
Letitia: Hey! *running after Noah after nearly getting pushed over by him* Who do you think you are, pushing people around like that?
Noah: Huh? You don't know of me? This is weird. Everywhere I went back home everyone was waiting on me hand and knee...Well, I guess it's possible that someone from another region might not know...Who do I think I am? That's simple. My name is Noah Briggs, soon-to-be succe-
Sterling (Noah's Rufflet): Flet!
Noah: Stop that. Ahem...Soon-to-be successor of the illustrious Briggs shipping empire! Who might you be?
Letitia: *inner facepalm*

[ZeroGear]

DM: "Are you out of your head?"
[P2]: "I have 7 wisdom, I am completely out of my head."

"Do we have to set up direct deposit for our adventures?"

"I keep all my money in kobold trap pits"

"Why does every character we meet seem to have a ridiculous villain mustache or a name that sounds like an evil wizard?"

"Let's see what the ghosts have to say about this. Sadly I cannot speak with dead yet."

"Does it look like someone went through here with a city sized weed walker?"

"Hopefully they died yesterday, that would be a happy occasion."

"Zero is Switzerland; neutral!"

"If I pretend to be a bush, they won't attack me. Yes, zombies hate salads!"

"I use my expert ear-balls to listen for the source of that noise."

"I'm the lord of blood and change!"

"I'll use these big bulky arms."

"I'm basically an IRS agent of the dead."

"Usually it's evil file clerks."

"Form of: Corpse!"

[P2]: "I'm not trapped in here with it, it's trapped in here with me!" (caster with 6 str damage and no spells left)

"Ah yes, at that age you probably had nightly magical discharges."

"It's like zombie-away!"

"Maybe there's an instruction manual for the Skull!"

"I think I just had a treasure-gasm."

[P2]: "Can I call you the know-it stick?"
Intelligent Staff with Skull: "I prefer 'Murry'."

"If you shut up, I'll go to a brothel and buy you what can only be described as a staff polish."

[P2]: "How much does it cost to get my skull polished?"
DM: "15 gold."
[P2]: "Done! Totally worth it."

[GPuzzle]

"What the hell are you doing with a screwdriver?"
"Just screwing around."

[Codex]

"I refuse to answer on the grounds that there is a Goblin chewing on my foot."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "You can't make captain in just 7 years and not have any ribbons to show for that."
Ronnie: "Hello, I got a blue ribbon for harvesting animals in Farmville and I think that should count."

Nicolette: "You have a half-elf with 1 hit point. It's all in her ears."

Nicolette: "I want to send Amaya undercover to infiltrate the cult. She fits their profile and they need a 16-year old underaged goth girl to molest."
Amaya: "Wait, what?"
Nicolette: "Don't worry, I know you want to molest them back. With your foot."
GM: "That's nice, but where did you get this profile from?"
Ronnie: "He was on 4-chan last night."

Amaya: "Forget it. Apparently trying to act like you isn't working out. I can't think that slowly."

Amaya: "Do you know the legend of the Jersey Devil?"
Nicolette: "Not really, but I figure everything here in Jersey is a legend. I am from New York."
Amaya: "That attitude will get you beaten up around here."
Nicolette: "It's Jersey, we'd get beat just for walking outside."
Aries: "Yeah, you guys should know given your recent hospital bills."

Nicolette: "Do you think the Jersey Devils are like werewolves? With Lycanthopy?"
Amaya: "If it were, this team would be screwed considering we've all been bitten at least once."
Aries: "Hee hee."
Amaya: "Well, everyone who actually does any of the fighting."
Ronnie: "I can't see myself as a Jersey Devil running around in a tattered suit with a gold medallion. Rawr, Hello! Rawr!"

Nicolette: "How fast does the Jersey Devil fly?"
Aries: "On the Trek scale, somewhere slower than the Excelsior, but faster than Chakotay's ego."

MOAR~

Spoiler

Show

Amaya: "So... what *IS* the average speed of an unlaiden American Swallow?"

GM: "Your Goth is fully recharged, but you're still out of fishnets."

Nicolette: "Any cultists in this house?"
Voice: "No, only us pedophiles."
Nicolette: "I dress a grenade to look like a 7-year old boy and I throw it through the window."

GM: "Well that's nice of them. This map has no scale."
Nicolette: "It don't matter, Ronnie's driving so we'll get there in 15 minutes regardless. Ten if there are no major turns along the way."

Trucker: "Harrumphh... dunno where these things are coming from... creatures nearly wiped out my truck."
Amaya: "I think he needs a friend to talk to."
Nicolette: "I'll send Ronnie."
Amaya: "You know he'll talk to a lady with boobs."
Nicolette: "You have a sizable pair, you talk to him."
Ronnie: "Hello, jailbait ain't quite ripe yet, if you catch my meaning."
Nicolette: "No, not me. I'm here for the info, not to pick up a date. I will, however, pay for his tab."
Amaya: "Oh, so you won't talk to the guy, but you'll buy him dinner? What's that going to accomplish?"
Nicolette: "It'll prove I'm not a hooker."

Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Nicolette: "Almost."
Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Nicolette: "Almost."
Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Ronnie: "HELLO, I'm going to install an ejector seat back there."

Nicolette: "Now that's what I call a Hot Zone."
Amaya: "Hot enough to make a lead rod water-soluable."
GM: "That should never be the case."

Nicolette: "When you boast that it's been 24 minutes since a bolt has hit Leroy in the nuts from across the factory and OSHA's knocking at the door... Hi, it's not mandatory to wear a hat, but this place is a Hard Cup Zone. What do we make? Ping-pong balls!"

Nicolette: "Who's the oldest person in this town?"
GM: "You are."
Nicolette: "Whoa, it's like Children of the Corn."
GM: "Specifically your left tit is the oldest."
Nicolette: "It IS Children of the Corn! Here that Tiny, it's just us."
Amaya: "You named your left boob Tiny?"
Ronnie: "Hello, what's the right one named?"
Nicolette: "The Big-O."

[DigoDragon]

Ronnie: "I'm downstairs arguing with a coffee pot."
Amaya: "And... how are you doing that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, with words. Duh."

Ronnie: "So what's today's plan?"
Amaya: "We need to find other possible decendants of the Emerald Protectorate."
Aries: "Found one. And you already met him once."
Amaya: "I'm soooo nonplussed."
Aries: "Owen Fletcher, he's registered at the gun show in town. Today's the last day."
Amaya: "Ronnie, do you like guns?"
Ronnie: "Eh, s'alright."
Amaya: "Nicolette, you wanna come with to a gun show? Too bad, you're going. Now get a shirt on."
Nicolette: "Uh... eh? Coffee first?"
Ronnie: "To the Beamermobile!"
Sound fx: *1960's Batman cut-scene and theme song*

GM: "You arrive at the gun show. You find the Fletcher Arms booth and you see Owen Fletcher showing off his goods."
Ronnie: *evil tongue-in-cheek grin*
GM: "The guns, you jerk!"

Amaya: "Mr. Fletcher, what pistol would you recommend for, say, a petite young hunter like myself?"
GM: "Roll Bluff."
Amaya: "Yeah, it's only my worst skill ever." (Rolls dice) "Nine."
GM: "You actually beat him with your lie."
Amaya: "...that shouldn't have worked."

Amaya: "Get in touch with us later."
Ronnie: "Here's my card. Well, actually it's your card."
Owen: "Thank goodness, in case I ever have to get in touch with myself."
Ronnie: "Hello... goodbye."

Ronnie: "I have defeated the final boss!"
GM: "Congrats, you are the mithril Prince Albert."
Ronnie: "I don't remember Final Fantasy 8 ending like that."

Amaya: "Why can't I find my social skills? ...that's right, because I'm Amaya."

Moar of the good stuff below~

Spoiler

Show

Hunter: "I thought I was hunting a really weird-looking bear. Turns out I put three slugs into a tractor."
Amaya: "Don Quixote would be sooo proud..."

GM: "The two scores are 'MANGO' and 'CAUTION SIGN'."
Nicolette: "Not even real numbers?"
Ronnie: "There's a third team with zero."
Amaya: "Sounds like us."
Nicolette: *Facepalms*
GM: "At least that's a number."

Amaya: "Hey Aries? We made contact with Owen."
Aries: "Oh? And how did the meeting go?"
Amaya: "We let him in on what's going on so that he doesn't freak out over three federal agents hounding him."
Aries: "That would be stressful."
Amaya: "Don't worry, we didn't tell him too much, like what's in Area 51 or something. Anyway, Ronnie is going to watch him while Nicolette and I go do something."
Ronnie: "Hello, take pictures."
Amaya: "I dunno, maybe we'll do some female bonding or something."
Ronnie: "HELLO, take LOTS of pictures!"

GM: "You can take '20' on a purchase check because you can eventually buy an expensive item. Failing it doesn't mean your money burns and you're arrested immediately."
Amaya: "Unless this is Shadowrun."

GM: "Can I get a KitKat?"
Amaya: *Casually tosses a KitKat at the GM without looking*
KitKat: *Lands on the GM's lap without bouncing or falling off*
GM: "...can I get a hot lady?"

GM: "Since everyone made this roll, I don't have to write a secret note! Amaya, you catch this out of the corner of your eye. Ronnie, you also catch this out of the corner of your eye."
Amaya: "Someone is gonna catch this in the crotch, aren't they?"
GM: "Chances are good!" :D

Jersey Devil: *Flies over the team toward the truck driver*
Ronnie: *Shoots the devil out of the air with his newly purchased shotgun* "Hello, daddy likes!"

Ronnie: "Hello, we should get Owen to the hospital, chop chop!"
Amaya: "Uh, Ronnie? If you're going with them, could you toss me your car keys so we're not left stranded?"
Ronnie: "No way, jailbait." *Tosses the keys to Nicolette*
Amaya: "Well, yeah... I meant her as I don't have a licen-"
Ronnie: "HELLO, don't scratch the paint! And don't change the radio station!"

GM: "Nicolette, as you and Amaya pull up to the curb, the car besides you detonates. Time for shrapnel damage!"
Nicolette: "What the hell? Did I hit a Pinto or something?"
Amaya: "Ow! I got glass all over my character sheet."
Nicolette: "What?"
Amaya: "Hair. Dang IC/OOC tenses."

Ronnie: "Hello, I feel a great disturbance in the force. Like my BMW suddenly cried out in pain and then was silenced. Son of a **tch, if Nicolette survived I'm kicking her ass!"

Amaya: "Funny how the more questionable the legality of my actions are, the better my die rolls get."

Amaya: "Ronnie, we're at the hospital. Where are you?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm at the hospital."
Amaya: "...Before I punch you through the phone, WHERE in this hospital?"

Jimmy: "Perhaps in another life we'll actually rescue someone BEFORE the monster kicks the snot out of them?"

Cassie: "Stranger things have happened."
Amaya: "You ever wonder if thing can get so strange that it screen-wraps to mundane?"
Cassie: "Oh, yes; it's called Xanth."

[Lakaz]

Perhaps the single greatest campaign intro in history:

GM: (Brief history exposition) And so, it came to pass, that you all met up at a T junction in an air vent, trying to break into the mayor's office.

[DigoDragon]

Perhaps the single greatest campaign intro in history:

GM: (Brief history exposition) And so, it came to pass, that you all met up at a T junction in an air vent, trying to break into the mayor's office.

*Slow Applause of Awesome*

[FinnLassie]

"Since he's already inside him, we might as well ship them now."

[GPuzzle]

"They're armed."
"I have a shield."
"AND I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!"

"This only isn't a vision of Hell because Hell would be prettier."

"Stop, you're making Cthulhu cry!"

"Welcome to Hell."
"Hell's prettier than I thought it would be."

[Necroticplague]

GM:You know you're in WoD when the mute, illiterate, atavistic serial killer is the most sympathetic member of the group. At least he offer a quick death under the power of his swollen fists.

[Fenreed]

[mid-combat]
Alejandro: "I seduce the witch."
GM: "Okay..."
Sacha: "I as well!"
[20 and 18 respectively]
GM: "You, ah... seduce the old hag. Bonus points for sexual experience, because she's been around the block a few times and taught you some things."

Freck: "I conjure a pink mumu to cover the chosen king's nudity..."

[Silus]

From today's Star Wars game.

Customs Inspector: Sorry, no heavy weapons on the space station.
Trandoshan: Don't worry, it's not heavy. We can carry it one handed.

Pilot: So the hold music is the Imperial March?

Ex-Soldier: Oh God help us, the Jawa gave the Astromech THUMBS!

DM: It's a tagger gang.
Ex-Soldier: Did you say "Tiger Gang"?
DM: Yes. They're space tigers.

Pilot: Saw this on the internet: Lightsaber Tooth Tigers.

DM as ganger: So, what kinda music do you like?
Trandoshans: Untz untz untz untz...

[janusmaxwell]

PC1: "We can't Roll the giant d20 by itself! You have to roll it on the floor, like bowling you know."
PC2: "I've bowled for years and my mother taught me an awesome hold for bowling balls" (Makes the Shocker sign)
PC1: Staring at PC2
PC2: "What? You don't get it?"
PC1: "No I got it, I'm just looking at you with abject hatred"

[Alex12]

DM: The rest of you saw dozens of the monsters. You *indicates me* saw...I can't tell you the number, but it was lots.
Me: But just so we're clear, they can't fly?

DM: So it's the pony that's advocating more violence?
Me: They're horrible shadow monsters that kill people! Princess Luna takes that sort of creature down all the time!

DM: After killing the monster, you realize that while you gained 600 XP, the note promising a bounty doesn't actually tell you where to go or what to do to claim it.

[Martin Greywolf]

I tried my best to present the quotes chronologically, but there were some I forgot about. So, without further ado:

Azula: He's too big to be a mimic octopus.
Nameless: Maybe he's two?

Nameless: What you reaching for better be a sandwich, cause' you're gonna have to eat it!

Nameless: Your friends might get me in a rush, but I want you to remember that all I needed to defeat your master plan, years in making, was a bucket.

Nameless: Well, he's not the sharpest knife in a drawer. More of a spoon, really.

Nameless: Do you wanna build a snowman?

Nameless: Wait, are mimic octopi a hive mind?