What do you fear most?

[mistformsquirrl]

Conflict. Not physical conflict - but emotional conflict.

Spoilered for length:

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My parents were at each other's throats from the time I was old enough to remember anything until I was 10, due to a very nasty divorce. On top of that, both of them repeatedly took their frustrations out on me both during that period and after. I also had to move from a private religious school to a public school around this time, and I was always the "weird" kid and got bullied pretty much non-stop. The bullying lasted from 3rd grade until the end of highschool - it was so bad I didn't even attend my brother's HS graduation because I couldn't make myself go back to that school for any reason.

So yeah, I basically lived a series of non-stop emotionally crushing arguments until I was about 25. I just try to avoid anything that could provoke a fight at this point - here on the forums I'm a little more free in my behavior, I can ignore people or just vanish from a conversation if I need to; but in real life I don't argue unless I'm backed into a corner and given no real choice; and I'm always pretty screwed up afterward, even if I "won" the argument.

Not infrequently I have nightmares which are nothing but me arguing with a friend or family member, I tend to wake up feeling like I've just been through the ringer and have to repeatedly remind myself that it didn't actually happen.

Other things:

As Mauve Shirt noted, Failure, change, disappointing people - all high on my list. Poverty is a huge one for me as well - I grew up *very* poor, and things changed radically in the last 5 years due to my mom suddenly having a good job. Poverty still hangs over my head though, as I'm not able to work at present myself*, and the fear of being unable to recover or unable to find a good job once I am recovered is very high.**

I really don't like the idea of dying alone either, though ironically I'm also terrified of having someone get close to me in the first place and am even more terrified of losing them. So in a choice between bad things, dying alone is the least bad there.

I'm generally terrified of people IRL to be honest. One on one, I can handle myself, but when the numbers get much above that my social anxiety kicks in in a huge way and my brain starts shutting down. Crowds, as you can imagine, are not a place I like to be. (It's bad enough that I have a hard time chatting with multiple people online at the same time. The exception being forums, which are very slow-paced.)

Dying badly is also on the list. I'm not afraid of dying in and of itself - what I am afraid of is dying having accomplished nothing. It's my goal to be able to look back on my life from my deathbed and see at least a few significant achievements. They don't have to be huge, but I'd like to finish and publish at least one book, and I'd like for my art to be professional quality by the time I'm out of time.

Fear of authority. I grew up in a very Lawful Neutral environment in a lot of ways - authority was not to be questioned, you do what you're told, no more, no less, don't you dare step out of line... and then I got older and realized that the real world doesn't operate like that in most situations. People break the rules all the time, usually in very minor ways that nobody really thinks anything of. To my brain the idea of breaking the rules 'in a minor way' that 'nobody really thinks anything of' is a very foreign concept.

For instance: I was visiting my brother while he was in college, and he got locked out of the front door of his dorm room - so he circled around back to the rear entrance. There was a sign there that said "No unauthorized personnel" or something to that effect. My brother, being significantly braver than I, just went ahead and opened the door... said they do it all the time. I couldn't make myself go in, I almost had a panic attack right there.

I *did* have a panic attack at my sister-in-law's PhD graduation last month - we'd brought a couple cameras, and some soda so we'd have something to drink during the ceremony (cause graduations take freaking forever.***) - there was a sign that said "no outside food or beverage" and "no recording devices" on the building where the ceremony took place - and I freaked out. (It didn't help that it was very crowded.) Nobody ended up caring about our soda or cameras; but I really anticipated having to trudge back to the car to put them all away just minutes before we were going to be let into the building.

----

I'm also terrified of insects and spiders of all kinds. If it's got an exoskeleton is probably scares the pants off of me ><; Ladybugs and ants don't bother me too much as long as they don't touch me, but otherwise... yeah. >.<

Heights too - though strangely my fear of heights vanishes once I'm above 3000 feet. I flew a plane when I was 14 and again at 15 - and being up that high the fear just can't hold on. I think the distance honestly becomes a bit unreal to the brain at that point.

*Though I'm starting to get better I think. It's been a long road to recovery, but I do seem to be improving, and my vicious migraines are also not nearly so frequent as they used to be; so there's a good possibility that in a year or two I may be able to go back to school or go to work. I would surely prefer it to my present situation that's for sure.

**When you've been poor most of your life, and suddenly you have a reprieve from it, the idea of going back to being poor is horrifying. I remember the lights being shut off, the water being shut off, the knot in my gut any of the three different times we were under foreclosure notices from the bank, not having anything to eat... understandably then I'm terrified of living out the latter half of my life the same way I lived the first 25 years. Frankly, I think I'd rather die.

***I did get lucky in this respect - they were only doing the PhD and Master's students that night; they had *3000* Bachelor's students to get through the next day, vs 600 Master's/Doctorate students.

[noparlpf]

I think it's actually a pretty rational phobia. Prehistoric humans might have learned to stay away from worms because where there are worms, there's death, decay, and disease. Maybe we just have a lot of those instincts left over (now I think about it, I'm also pretty scared of terminal illness, so that would make sense in my case).

I mean, plenty of cultures eat things like mealworms. Earthworms are likewise harmless. Maggots and the like, sure, your hypothesis works fine.

Oh yeah, also heights. There's a boundary at about ten feet (for my feet, so like fifteen feet for my eyes) where I start to get really nervous, even though I have jumped down from over ten feet before without even needing to do a roll. Once I'm up to like thirty feet and completely unsupported (well, it's not like a slightly slack rope feels like support, even if it would catch you if you fell) it gets so bad I start shaking. If I feel supported, though, like holding on to handholds or with the belaying line taught, I'm pretty much okay.

[Asta Kask]

Collecting worms and grubs is an inefficient form of getting protein, compared to killing a mammoth. If there's no larger prey around, eating worms is efficient, but not otherwise.

[Dienekes]

Losing my mind. I've watched two grandparents die to dementia. They ended up empty husks without really knowing who they were anymore, what was going on, who that guy was that was helping them out. Their grandchildren they loved no longer existed for them, and they were afraid that something was wrong. Even worse was when they had good days, and everything seemed normal, they were just a little slow. But you could tell they knew something wasn't right, that maybe the next day they wouldn't be able to remember where they were again. The whole concept horrifies me. I'd rather go out with my wits about me.

Most other stuff doesn't bother me. Death? Everything dies, no point worrying about it. I'm not going to go seek it out, but it doesn't bother me. Being alone all my life? That's actually one of my goals. I don't particularly want a lover, don't quite see why people want one, seems a very dependent relationship. I mean I have friends and acquaintances, and eventually we'll all drift apart and I'll find a new batch. It's happened several times already, don't see the problem. Bugs and reptiles? I love them, they're cool.

[Togath]

1. Worms, and anything that looks or moves like a worm. I've been having an easier time with this (I used to live in fear of walking down the sidewalk after it rained), but some images still bother me, usually when there's a lot of worms or maggots clustered together.

This for me as well.. I also have similar issues with millipedes.

Surgery. More specifically, anesthetics. More specifically, waking up too early.

Another I have...
Sort of related to it; the fear of being injured and being unable to function in some way(a broken bone, a badly injured muscle, a torn ligament, etc.). Given a recent injury(injured my rotator cuff a few weeks ago) this fear's been popping up more often recently.. Though I suppose it is also helping me control the fear a bit, since I can still function, even if I can't use my injured arm for much currently.

[Solse]

Only three things: Losing my wife, Losing my children and free-falling through the air for a distance of more then 10 feet. I've already lived through the last one, having fallen 40 feet through the air to land on a rock, hence my back being broken. For the first year after that happened I had constant nightmares and would wake up covered in sweat and shaking, several times I screamed quite loudly, waking the entire house. I still have the dreams once in a while, but not nearly as much, it has been 11 years after-all.

Oh ... oh my god! How did that happen?

[Coidzor]

Isolation. The longer I'm alone the more vivid my imagination gets. And it's rarely imagining good or happy things. More like how vulnerable the average American home is to any kind of serious attack by even the most piddly of monsters or even a sufficient number of 8 year olds. Eventually if it goes on long enough I don't want to sleep because in the space where I'm falling asleep it gets out of control, almost like sleep paralysis.

I don't like being alone.

But, on the whole, it's just stupid, irrational fears and dreams that go away as long as I'm fully conscious of them and can beat them down. Which makes the times when I'm basically paralysed because I haven't started properly dreaming yet so I can't take control of the dream and change it to something else all the more annoying and unpleasant because of that loss of control inside my own self.

Other than that, being one of those people who goes through life waiting for their life to begin so that they die, never having lived.

Used to have some nightmares and issues with paranoid overprotectiveness of girlfriends because I was convinced they'd be sexually assaulted, but that's gone away between a combination of having every woman I got close to after I became an adult already having been sexually assaulted or molested when they were a minor and from having become a Forever Alone.

[SiuiS]

Rationally, this 100% Especially failing to live up to both the spoken and unspoken expectations of those around me.

That's strange. I mean, personally, not logically. It makes sense logically. I'm just not really afraid of those things.

Irrationally, goddamn it cicadas are just the worst thing on this planet and they all need to die.

Hee.

Real, honest, your eyes aren't going to adjust to this, overcast sky in the middle of the night black natural darkness scares me.

I find that comforting, myself, except in the different case of being exposed. I've had nightmares that were being dead center in the colloseum, unable to keep my eyes on all the open doorways facing me, but that wasn't about the darkness so much as animal exposure.

Falling.

Oh! Yeah. Geeze. Heights? Roller coasters are fun, but looking down from my bed sometimes... *shudders*


Pointless brutality. I'm all for violence with purpose but needless harm shakes me to my core.

[Coidzor]

Oh, right, the discussion of falling reminds me of something. I have an irrational aversion to having sharp, pointy things pointed at my eyes, since regardless of how improbable the scenario actually would be, I go through all of the ways I could end up falling and getting impaled via the eyeball(s) upon such things.

So, yeah... spiked jewelry is kind of a turnoff. XD

[noparlpf]

Speaking of spiked jewelry...I'm irrationally disturbed by piercings. Even just earrings, which are so ubiquitous. I just fixate on all the ways they could go wrong, get caught on things, tear out, &c. So I figured piercing my own ear would help. Now I just spend a lot of my time worrying my earring (just a little stud) will get caught on something, tear out, &c. Welp.

[GPuzzle]

The weird part?

Heights are my rational fear. Well, that and being alone. It just gives you a sense of being powerless, and that scares the crap out of me.

The irrational fear involves me slipping on something, falling backwards, hitting my head and dying.

No, seriously, I'm so scared of it I cannot take a shower without having something to stand on.

Oh, and there's also the more rational fear of not being myself to please others. It's less of a fear and more of a "I don't want to become this, by no means."

[Amaril]

Speaking of spiked jewelry...I'm irrationally disturbed by piercings. Even just earrings, which are so ubiquitous. I just fixate on all the ways they could go wrong, get caught on things, tear out, &c. So I figured piercing my own ear would help. Now I just spend a lot of my time worrying my earring (just a little stud) will get caught on something, tear out, &c. Welp.

Piercings kinda bother me too, not because they can go wrong, but because I just find them painful to think about or look at. I'm fine with earrings, since I've seen them so often and gotten desensitized, but seeing someone with a collarbone piercing or something like that is really uncomfortable. I can't understand why people do stuff like that to themselves voluntarily.

[The_Snark]

Heights.

I froze up the one time I tried rock climbing, despite being firmly tethered and only ~15 feet off the ground. Roller coasters frighten me, as do most other high-altitude carnival rides (ferris wheels, high water slides, those things that flip upside down...). I’ve never tried skydiving or bungee jumping, and I do not plan to. I can usually handle tall buildings, as long as I’m not on the roof or near large windows (though I suspect giant skyscrapers and the like with 10+stories would be worse). Unfinished houses are especially bad for some reason - maybe because they look so flimsy, or because the open spaces make me more aware of the height, I’m not sure. In any case, I get nervous on the second floor, and physically nauseous/frightened if I go any higher than that.

The exception is flying - for some reason, being on a commercial airplane doesn't bother me. Maybe it's because they're enclosed spaces and the distance between me and the ground doesn't register with my subconscious (like someone above said, it doesn't feel real); maybe it's because my parents took me flying across the country pretty regularly while young, and so I acclimated.

Everyone else in my family either loves roller coasters, or is indifferent to them. I'm not sure where I came by this.

Also certain invertebrates. I generally don't mind insects and the like - I'll jump if I walk into a spiderweb or glance down to see a bug on my arm, and I'm leery of wasps and biting ants and such, but as long as I'm not started or threatened I'm okay with them. The exceptions: ticks. Leeches. Black widow spiders. Centipedes. Maggots. Cockroaches. Mosquito larvae. My subconscious has filed these things under "viscerally creepy" and will not be persuaded otherwise.

Liquid nitrogen, due to Certain Childhood Events.

Less visceral, more cerebral: spending the majority of my life unhappy and unsatisfied with myself. It seems depressingly plausible at times, even likely.

[rs2excelsior]

Hmm. Heights. The unknown (sounds cliche but it's true--I can creep myself out pretty easily, especially in the dark though I'm not scared of the dark per se; fear of major changes, fear of death). And medical procedures, especially surgery. That just freaks me out. Oh, and wasps, hornets, and yellow jackets. I used to freak out about honeybees and bumblebees too, but not anymore. Those other three are just evil, though.

Dying alone, without ever having found love or started a family.

Yeah. And that.

Irrationally, goddamn it cicadas are just the worst thing on this planet and they all need to die.

Huh. I kinda like cicadas. I think it's kind of soothing listening to them.

Fairly unrelated story:
Several years ago, my family and I were in the front yard of the house we lived in at that time, which had a tree in it. All of a sudden, we hear this God-awful sound from up in the tree, and something falls from the tree down onto the ground. We look closer, and it's a hornet that's grabbed onto a cicada and is stinging it to death. The cicada is making all kinds of racket. We got the wasp spray and killed the hornet, but the cicada didn't survive either.

[Jaycemonde]

ZOMBIES.
And to some extent maggots, but that's not a fear so much as a deep revulsion. I don't mind dead stuff (I mean I'm a vet student, I've dissected dead stuff) but if it's maggoty I can't touch it even with gloves on. And if it's undead I just can't even.
Zombies make me so jumpy and nervous that after watching REC (a Spanish zombie movie, the one Quarantine was based on) freshman year I accidentally floored a hundred-pound girl because she jumped out at me in the dark. I actually punched her in the throat because it was at arm level... Oops. And apparently she didn't learn from it because a few days later she jumped out at me in the dark again. Luckily I had calmed down by then and didn't hit her again. Well, it was her own fault for showing me the movie.

I also kind of fear super-realistic dreams because then I'm not sure whether they actually happened the previous day when I was just really sleepy and I start to lose my grip on reality.

Oh, I like gore. Just not zombies.

Same here (including the gore part). I completely forgot to add zombies. I mean, there are a couple I can kind of stand (Revivors [technologically reanimated sentient corpses] and voodoo zombies) but DOOM and Half-Life zombies just completely ruined my childhood (despite the games shaping it extensively otherwise). That was before I even started watching zombie movies.

[Aedilred]

Oh yeah, I forgot about heights. I am usually ok, so long as I feel secure. I can abseil fairly happily. If I feel like there's an actual risk of falling, even a relatively short distance, I can freeze up completely. I can't climb rope ladders, basically for this reason; I get a couple of feet up then can't go any higher and it usually takes quite a while even to psyche myself up to let go. Occasionally when travelling long-distance I get concerned that I'll somehow get stranded at sea (in shark-infested waters, inevitably) and a rescue helicopter will drop a rope ladder to get me out, but I won't be able to climb it.

[warty goblin]

I dislike centipedes. I mean I don't freeze up in their presence and am happy to leave them unmolested, but I absolutely do not want them on me. Spiders don't bother me, and I find millipedes to be quite gorgeous in an unfathomable, inhuman sort of way, so it isn't about the number of legs. I think it's the flatness, and the weird semi-translucent flesh. I like my arthropods solid on the outside, thanks.

I don't necessarily dislike heights, but I am wary of them. Mostly because I am not the most coordinated of people, so staying a full body's length back strikes me as less paranoia and more a prudent response to being able to trip over anything.

I'm not afraid of dying. I do not want to die by inches in a hospital, jammed full of needles, pumped full of drugs, stuck in a bed, breathing that horrible air. The old dog crawled under the step and gradually wound down one spring day in the place he'd lived his whole life, peaceful on the cool ground and in the fresh air. Let me go like that, plant a coupla trees over my grave, and I'll be happy.

I have a strange fear of living in large cities. Not because I think I'll end up murdered and shoved in a dumpster, but because I really, really do not like big cities. They're just so monotone, pointless, and boring. Too many people, not enough interesting stuff.

[Asta Kask]

I fear that, when the Stars Are Right, the Old Ones will rise from the sea to reclaim what was theirs. We will all trampled under their feet, no more than insects for them, as we howl curses at the uncaring sky and retreat into insanity because we cannot the truth about our universe, the truth about our insignificance, and the truth about the paltry science we have erected to keep reality out.

[Anarion]

Huh. I kinda like cicadas. I think it's kind of soothing listening to them.

So, here's the thing. A lot of people have told me this. And I can only conclude that you're all sharing some kind of mass insanity.

I fear that, when the Stars Are Right, the Old Ones will rise from the sea to reclaim what was theirs. We will all trampled under their feet, no more than insects for them, as we howl curses at the uncaring sky and retreat into insanity because we cannot the truth about our universe, the truth about our insignificance, and the truth about the paltry science we have erected to keep reality out.

I'm not really that worried about this one. I mean, sure, it would suck to watch the entire human race end in the insanity caused by our realization of universal unimportance, but I probably wouldn't care that much at the time. Due to the insanity and all.

[Aolbain]

I have this recurring nightmare where I do something so unspeakably horrible that I can't even figure out what it is when I wake up, beyond being absolutely sure that I am the worst person ever.

Also? Snakes. Seriously, **** snakes.

[SiuiS]

So, here's the thing. A lot of people have told me this. And I can only conclude that you're all sharing some kind of mass insanity.

Yeah, there are only so many ways to hear "I enjoy listening to the scual frustration of inhuman monsters in the dark, in numbers, where I cannot see them to insure my safety or the safety of my species from them".

It's like, you know what else is soothing? The finely lapping of your blood in waves. It's like your own personal tide! It's so romantic~
Except you need all that blood inside you, so...

E: oh yeah. Jut looked up cicadas. They aren't quite human enough to really get me but I would not be okay with those things like, in my bubble.

I'm not really that worried about this one. I mean, sure, it would suck to watch the entire human race end in the insanity caused by our realization of universal unimportance, but I probably wouldn't care that much at the time. Due to the insanity and all.

I'm not really convinced on the whole insanity thing. If the Internet has taught me anything it's that enough of us are already disconnected from "reality" that finding out the really creepy LARPers were right and tentacles are worth more than pornographic interest.

I mean, I'm not entirely sure I'm not a hallucination. Finding out I was real but not important would be a step up the ontological ladder. I would just create my own importance.

Also? Snakes. Seriously, **** snakes.

I love this quote, just not in this context. XD

[Asta Kask]

However, we know that the universe is Euclidean, i.e. flat. We have actually measured the geometry of the universe. That is awesome.

[warty goblin]

Yeah, there are only so many ways to hear "I enjoy listening to the scual frustration of inhuman monsters in the dark, in numbers, where I cannot see them to insure my safety or the safety of my species from them".

I've always liked cicadas. They're harmless, and astonishingly beautiful if you look at them up close. Seriously, the wings are lovely, and some of them have remarkable color patterns on their exoskeleton. I collect their desiccated husks every year when I find them in good condition. They're almost as cool as a big praying mantis, or those blue-black mud daubers.

But I've always kinda liked insects. Even most of the ones that can hurt, don't do so unless a person gets up in their business. And if I'm stupid enough to piss an animal off enough for it to damage me, it's my own dumbass fault.

[Ravens_cry]

I've mostly mastered this fear, but it still haunts me, remembering the gripping panic I felt so often.
When I was a young person type apeling, I was basically forced to watch these Billy Graham Rapture movies.
And I can say that for a long, long time, I was gripped by this terror that my family would suddenly vanish, and I'd be left alone. On more nights than not, I would repeatedly creep down the hall to check on them, just to reassure my fear addled brain they were still there. I hated to be alone, because it meant they could vanish without me knowing about it. I don't know how I got over it, I guess I grew out of it more or less, but, gods, those were some rough years.

[Kindablue]

I love this quote, just not in this context. XD

Better than "Literally, **** snakes."

[SiuiS]

I've always liked cicadas. They're harmless, and astonishingly beautiful if you look at them up close. Seriously, the wings are lovely, and some of them have remarkable color patterns on their exoskeleton. I collect their desiccated husks every year when I find them in good condition. They're almost as cool as a big praying mantis, or those blue-black mud daubers.

But I've always kinda liked insects. Even most of the ones that can hurt, don't do so unless a person gets up in their business. And if I'm stupid enough to piss an animal off enough for it to damage me, it's my own dumbass fault.

They ride the line for me. I love mantids and can see the resemblance. But they also have this monstrous bug eyed multicolored Pennywise The Clown thing going on with a face like a radiator with an agenda.


I've also always found them to be more noise, less music.

[Irk]

I can't deal with spiders. Other insects don't really freak me out, but spiders absolutely terrify me. I haven't the slightest idea why.

Also, **** tapeworms.

EDIT: with the discussion above, it may be prudent to add a "not literally" on that last one.

[TechnoScrabble]

Blindness, spaces I can't see into when standing in light (which is why I keep most of my lights off), the idea of sexual contact with strangers, addiction (especially to alcohol), that heavy feeling I get in my legs after a long run that feels like they could just stop moving at any second, unstable bridges while in a car, spaces that are wide open but separated into multiple small spaces (like a large grocery store when nobody's there).

I also have recurring themes in nightmares of having to balance on something thin over a long drop, often while on a bike, having to climb chain link fences in odd areas, being chased by a large, furry, white thing I only ever see from the corner of my eye, being suddenly unable to speak, breath, or hear, and pumpkins suddenly showing up out of nowhere, or common things being connected oddly or shaped oddly or suddenly disappearing. A common theme more recently is people with no internal organs or who open their eyes or mouths only to reveal another closed eyelid or mouth.

[noparlpf]

I have a strange fear of living in large cities. Not because I think I'll end up murdered and shoved in a dumpster, but because I really, really do not like big cities. They're just so monotone, pointless, and boring. Too many people, not enough interesting stuff.

I hate cities. I'm not afraid of cities, I just hate cities. If I were going to be afraid of anything, though, it wouldn't be ending up murdered and shoved in a dumpster, it would be getting caught shoving another corpse in a dumpster.

[warty goblin]

I hate cities. I'm not afraid of cities, I just hate cities. If I were going to be afraid of anything, though, it wouldn't be ending up murdered and shoved in a dumpster, it would be getting caught shoving another corpse in a dumpster.

I'm not afraid of cities; I've spent time in them and all my principle limbs continue to function. I just absolutely do not want to live in them, and am rather afraid of having to do so. I find I tend to get tetchy when I cannot get someplace outside and completely devoid of people with some frequency. As it is, I just go for runs in the rain and at night.