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Thread: Iron Poet XX
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2014-09-01, 08:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
Re: Iron Poet XX
My apologies to the judges and my opponent. I was excited about the prompts and I had made notes about a specific poem in mind. Unfortunately, I came down with the flu during the time I was able to schedule for the actual writing. I wrote through, and about, unimaginable tooth pain the last competition but wasn't able to submit this time.
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2014-09-01, 10:12 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2012
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- The Universe.
Re: Iron Poet XX
Easy solution: assign "love and happiness" as a prompt!
My longest poem is a about love, though I wouldn't exactly call it happy...
Also, here's a poem for the prompt "love and happiness."
SpoilerThere once was a man named Tarsee,
Whose wife made him very happy.
He loved her so much.
He wished he could touch,
Her heart, so he cut it from she.
I apologize for the atrocious grammar in the last line, but I was having a much harder time using "free," as I had originally planned.Last edited by Zweisteine; 2014-09-01 at 10:12 PM.
Jon Snow and Ghost avatar (not currently in use) by Gurgleflep 15370262 328.
How to play a monster.
I am currently Very Busy, and having limited D&D activity, so I am currently inactive.
I got a long signature!
DFTBA! Smilies!
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2014-09-02, 06:29 AM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2012
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- Aldain
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Unfortunately, the round started while I was on my bachelor party, and I didn't figure that out until a couple days in, and then with wedding planning and some other nefarious real life stuff, it seems the fates have come against me for this contest yet again.
Scientific Name: Wombous apocolypticus | Diet: Apocolypse Pie | Cuddly: Yes
World Building Projects:
Magic: The Stuff of Sentience | Fate: The Fabric of Physics | Luck: The Basis of Biology
Order of the Stick Projects:
Annotation of the Comic | Magic Compendium of the Comic | Transcription of the Comic
Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?
Extended Signature | My DeviantArt | Majora's Mask Point Race
(you can't take the sky from me)
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2014-09-02, 06:49 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
Re: Iron Poet XX
Judgement!
The Fiery Tower vs. Duck999: Grime, Father
Spoiler: The Fiery TowerNo poem submitted.
Spoiler: Duck999Quite an intense story you’re telling here. I guess it’s in our nature to snap at those we love. Your poem however uses words that hold a greater tragedy than just some snapping. I like how you manage to invoke these strong emotions.
I’m going to be harsh on your execution. Besides some obvious spelling mistakes, there are numerous places where the rhyme is forced or the AABB scheme isn’t followed. It doesn’t help that your first and last 4 lines suffer the most.
I don’t think it’s overly clever, but you use the prompts with enough creativity that I’m amused.
Overall, I like the poem, but the poor execution does not invite me to read it again and again. Use more polish next round.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is Duck999 due to forfeit win.
Weezer vs. FinnLassie: Cloud, Thread
Spoiler: WeezerNo poem submitted.
Spoiler: FinnLassieYour poem definitely has an ominous feel to it. It leaves enough to the imagination of the reader, but I wish it wasn’t so open-ended. I do like the nice catch at the end: “blame yourself instead and hide in shame”. Those lines lifted the whole poem for me.
I’m not such a fan of the more freeform rhymes and rhythms. Might be a modern style, but it felt a bit all over the place for me. I wasn’t feeling the flow… I do like the nice font used, it shows attention to detail.
Clouds are a thread in the sky, but there’s also a threat from the skies. Ok, well done, I like that. That’s the second layer I like to explore. As said before, I like the little finger pointing or catharsis moment at the end. Well done.
The more I read it, the more I like it. I think the poem still holds mysteries to me. Let me read more of your work in the next round.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is FinnLassie due to forfeit win.
Techwarrior vs. parodoxymoron: Ward, Shaking
Spoiler: TechwarriorA pristine white room + room of death = the Cube! Or was it Cube 2? Anyway, what I really like about the story is that you gradually discover the setting of the poem. It would have been even more powerful if I didn’t know the ‘Ward’ prompt upfront. Kind of a giveaway. I think you captured the essence very well in a poem not too long, not too short. Everything that’s needed to be said is said, and then a strong finish.
While I commented on another poem that I couldn’t find the flow of the poem, this one is the opposite. While reading, you get automatically sucked in the rhymes and rhythms that do not feel constructed or hammered into place, but flow from one line to the other. It carries the reader all the way to the end. Nice work. But I also have to criticize;there’s a little typo: “rushing to and fro” andI wouldn’t capitalize the “Allergens”.
It’s clear how you used the ‘ward’, and I can only assume that you need to focus your eyes because you are ‘shaking’? Either way, the prompts are use very straightforward, and the ‘shaking’ prompt is not that strong. I’m glad they set you on your way, but became ancillary to story and execution.
This poem has style. It reads easily and is a pleasure to discover. Yes I like it and would have made it to the next round regardless.
Spoiler: parodoxymoronNo poem submitted.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is Techwarrior due to forfeit win.
Cuthalion vs. The Extinguisher: Shift, Invite
Spoiler: CuthalionNo poem submitted.
Spoiler: The Extinguisher
I’m undecided on the subject of the poem. And that’s a good thing. I’m sure you can different readings. I mean, who goes digging at midnight at a cemetery? Can’t be legit. I do feel the pain oozing from the story. I believe that the writer did its job then if you feel kind of sad.
I read it a couple of times and it still performs. I believe technically, it’s all well done. I can see that the 5/4/5/4 line structure is broken up when the mind drifts away as well…. If you do use punctuations however, you need to be consistent. Recheck your capitals and commas.
The strongest aspect of you poem – for me – is the use of the prompts. He’s doing his digging shifts, and his perspective had shifted as well. You mention this explicitly, but wasn’t necessary for me. The invite prompt is less intricate, but nicely incorporated as a vital aspect of the story in that the moods shifts towards an invitation of death, which seems to become appealing. Well done.
I liked to poem overall. Maybe I have some small remarks on execution, but the use of prompts makes up for it.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is The Extinguisher due to forfeit win.
TheWombatofDoom vs. Targ Collective: Predecessor, Store
Spoiler: TheWombatofDoomNo poem submitted
Spoiler: Targ CollectiveWhat a tale indeed. I even counted the words to see if you fit the criteria, but you’re safe. It was an enjoyable read for sure. I was a bit confused by the Father / Pater thing, but I see its charm.
It’s not an epic poem, for that, some lines are not polished enough (“For I must fly well away”). The first 10 lines follow a clear pattern which you can’t continue while serving the story. It does have a nice rhythm and flow.
You tie both prompts in a fascinating story with some inherent sadness to it. You use the prompt in a clear and original way. May not contain a deeper meaning, but the story doesn’t need it.
All things considered, I think it’s a nice story in a poem format. Try to work on some lines so that it becomes a poem with a story. The idea is great, I read it several times with joy, but I think it could be distilled in something even more powerful without losing the ‘epic tale’ feel it has to it.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is Targ Collective due to forfeit win.
3SecondCultist vs. Septimus Fabrius: Theory, Bathroom
Spoiler: 3SecondCultistWow, some much is going on here. I had to read it a couple of times to understand all the elements you want to tell. I’m still in dubio on the gender of the narrator, not that it matters much. I appreciated the cleverness of the binding justice and blind together, especially since Lady Justice is blindfolded. I can only assume this was intentional and so this lifts the whole poem up another level.
My appreciation for your executions skyrocketed when I found out that the sextet of words consistently reappear at the end of your lines, but without making it feel constructed, and in the end even manage to capture the essence of the poem. That’s just really hard to pull off, and you nailed it. Your poem flows nicely along with the story. Punctuation is off on lines 10, 11, 18 and 27.
Both the prompts are prominently featured. They plan a vital role in the story and in the rhymes. That’s just very well done. In this case… who cares about additional layers if the upper layer is so shiny?
I’ll be honest; I think this poem was crafted with some masterwork tools. I like the story that invites to read again, the execution is just very well doen and the prompts are very well used. I like it especially because all these elements reinforce each other.
Spoiler: Septimus FabriusOk, I read it a couple of times, to let it sink in. It feels like I’m still looking through a veil though, trying to figure out what’s going on. And that’s tickles me. Yes, definitely thumbs up for making something intriguing. I’m thinking in a certain direction now, kind of matches the theme most other poems deal with as well, but I’m still trying to find different meanings.
You manage to capture the stream of thoughts and the timing of the dialogue by making use of the format. Well done. It feels like the format helps with the interpretation of the poem, so that beyond standard. One remark though, try to be consistent in the punctuation.
This poem is a strange one, where the prompts actually steers your reading. I believe that without knowing the prompts, I could have read something entirely different. Almost like the poem supports the prompt instead of the other way around. I could definitely use the ‘bathroom’ prompt, but fitting in ‘theory’ demanded some mental exercise. What I got out of the poem is: practicality stands between theory and reality. Might not be intended, but I like it anyway.
It was definitely a pleasure to read this poem. It’s certainly not dull.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is 3SecondCultist . His poem spoke to me more after my first reading, and this was enforced after I discovered the use of prompts in the story and rhyme.
Benthesquid vs. Exegesis: Graduate, Low
I understand prompts were switched, but as Exegesis states that he followed suit, I’ll judge as is so that none of the contestants needs to be penalized for their .. hmm… faulty exegesis of the prompts.
Spoiler: BenthesquidWell, it wouldn’t be the writer who went a little insane…. Nice story that captures the essence of a character in so little lines. The emotions, goals in life, his current situation. I like when a poem is concise yet contains a lot of information.
Playing with the fonts turns out to be a good idea. I could easily jump from one perspective to the other, and this helps the flow of the poem greatly. It doesn’t feature much rhyme, but that wouldn’t have fit this poem. Instead, the rhythm changes are reflecting the perspective, so that’s very well done. Punctuation on line 2, otherwise consistent.
Given your –odd-choice of prompts, I think you manage to get ‘exegesis’ in, maybe even more than ‘graduate’. I understand that this upcoming fight is his graduation? I’m leaping here, so that could have been tighter.
I like how you invoke a whole world. What are Pnakotic Fragments? Wants me to read more….
Spoiler: ExegesisInteresting story you have going on. Especially went you read BentheSquid’s poem first. That alone is worth something. I’m familiar with the DnD monster manuals, so that helps. In fact, I got some chuckles out of it. And what’s up with Pnakot? I need to know… If it’s recycled from BentheSquid’s poem, then this is very clever.
I’m not sure to what extend I need to judge you on execution. It’s a short story chopped up in lines to make it a poem. I’m not in favor of calling everything shorter than a one-pager a poem though. It’s freestyle, ok I get that. But that makes it hard for me to judge.
You deserve a monster score for using these prompts which are far from simple. I don’t think we’ve ever used someone’s avatar as inspiration for a poem, so that’s a milestone.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is Benthesquid because I promised not to take the prompts into account, and the BentheSquid delivered a better poem all-round.
Zweisteine vs. Dallas-Dakota: Faint, Guard
Spoiler: ZweisteineYour story is clear and to the point. It doesn’t leave much for imagination, except that this generic scenario could be placed everywhere the reader wants. I believe that this implies that many will enjoy it as well.
Your execution is very solid. Rhymes and Rhythms are solid. There is a nice flow in the poem all to the end. And a nice catch at the end to wrap it all up. It’s very solid and details are done right. Well done.
Both prompts are used very straightforward. No messing around, just a solid delivery.
So while I’ve been absolutely positive on all aspects of the poem, my conclusion is stuck at ‘solid performance’. The execution is very well done, but I’m lacking a bit of salt and pepper in the story. I’m not challenged or intrigued.
Spoiler: Dallas-DakotaYour story is clear and to the point. It doesn’t leave much for imagination, except that this generic scenario could be placed everywhere the reader wants. I believe that this implies that many will enjoy it as well. (Yes, I shamelessly copied, but to make a point)
I like how the poem seems to flow faster when the action is more intense. I don’t like that the rhyming isn’t consistent. Could have used a bit more polish (lines 5-8?). It looks like you were looking for a rhythm that captures the blows of the fight, but I would have either liked more consistency or more radically formatting.
The ‘Guard’ prompt is used clearly, and I guess that someone ‘fainted’ at the end. That’s a solid interpretation, nothing more to say about it. I liked your wink towards feinting as well.
Spoiler: WinnerThe winner is Zweisteine . I think both had a similar story and even use of prompts. I choose Zweisteine because his execution felt tighter.Last edited by Garwain; 2014-09-03 at 03:51 AM. Reason: no typo for Techwarrior
My personal folder is a graveyard of ideas, stuck in their dream phase.The "DM won't kill us" attitude is a bubble that sometimes needs to be bursted.Avatar courtesy of Linklele
There's an armor variant rule in UA that will drastically increase character survivability without completely bubble-wrapping them in plot invulnerabilityThrophies won:Spoiler
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2014-09-02, 08:14 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Well that's some high praise! Thank you, judges. And SeptimusFabrius, your poem was quite good too! A pleasure to read.
SpoilerAs for punctuation: a sestina (which is what I wrote) doesn't have much need of it. My lines were sometimes a bit staggered, but that mostly served the juggling act that was getting everything to work together. As far as I know, the way sestinas are written don't have set meter requirements. Nevertheless, I'm glad that you liked it overall!Last edited by 3SecondCultist; 2014-09-03 at 10:52 AM.
Spoiler: Stuff I'm Working OnSmall Justice
An ongoing web serial about politics, vengeance, and miniature lizards. Go check it out!
"Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in the face of certain defeat."
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2014-09-02, 10:12 AM (ISO 8601)
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2014-09-02, 10:48 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2013
Re: Iron Poet XX
The Pnakotic Manuscripts are just a bit of Yog-Sothothery- part of Lovecraft's extensive pseudobibliography, which most famously includes the Necronomicon.
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2014-09-02, 03:22 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2013
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- In Hammer Space
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Part of that judging (mainly spelling) is what happens when you try to write a poem in 20 minutes, and end up spending longer when you're tired and need to go to bed really badly.
Most of the judging though, is the same reason I said that I felt bad at poetry. I can't always come up with good rhymes, and I have terrible flow.Avatar made by Bradakhan| Other avatars.
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2014-09-02, 10:12 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XX
Spoiler: GarwainI chose to use Ward as in a hospital ward. I do admit that shaking was weak (and you did gather the correct 'connection'), but I felt that trying to cobble a line in that made it explicit would be worse for the flow of the poem than not making that portion of the prompt explicit.
While writing it, I had the worst writer's anxiety, and was worried it wasn't good enough because I'm out of practice. Looking back on it though, it does make me feel a bit better.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'rushing to and fro' being a typo. Allergens should not have been capitilized. Originally, there were several words throughout the poem that were, but I missed that one when I went back and lowercased them all to make it flow better.
Thank you for your judgement.Avatar courtesy of Ceika.
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2014-09-03, 03:49 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2010
Re: Iron Poet XX
Spoiler: @ 3SecondCultistI must admit that I was not familiar with the sestina. Nonetheless, I still believe it's nicely crafted. I don't really care about punctuation except when the style needs it (not the case here). Besides that, I only check consistency. Many have disagreed with me on this however...
Spoiler: @ TechwarriorYou are right, explicitly mentioning the 'shaking' prompt would be worse. It could have been hinted at more? nitpicking... I redacted the typo comment.My personal folder is a graveyard of ideas, stuck in their dream phase.The "DM won't kill us" attitude is a bubble that sometimes needs to be bursted.Avatar courtesy of Linklele
There's an armor variant rule in UA that will drastically increase character survivability without completely bubble-wrapping them in plot invulnerabilityThrophies won:Spoiler
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2014-09-03, 04:49 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2013
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Re: Iron Poet XX
"Read several times with joy"? I WIN ALL THE COOKIES IN TEH INTERNETZ!!!!
Spoiler: Comments on poem spoilered by requestIn all due seriousness, you seem to have missed some important subtext - the poem was about building bridges between the draconic and human races and forgiveness. The 'father' thing was just to fit a keyword, although it became an important part of the tale.Last edited by Targ Collective; 2014-09-08 at 03:12 AM.
Dubbed Most Honourable Aggregate of All Things Targ in the Title Thread. Also dubbed the Mage of Light, which is really cool.
Earned a special cookie for reaching 50 in the Count to 50 thread. Got a waffle too!
The human avatar is thanks to the talented The Mad Hatter; the ponytar, the incredible Dirtytabs.
I'm a White Mage in real life too! Here are my spells. BE WARNED: SOME OF THEM ARE REAL AND WILL AFFECT YOU IF READ. http://merlinsalchemyoflight.blogspot.co.uk/
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2014-09-03, 09:33 AM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2007
Re: Iron Poet XX
Targ, could you spoiler important subtext/meaning so other judges won't be influenced? Makes it a bit fairer/less objective in my mind.
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2014-09-03, 10:20 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2013
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- Uusimaa
Re: Iron Poet XX
Yeah, comments back always in spoilers.
Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2014-09-03, 10:37 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2013
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2014-09-03, 02:21 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2013
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- Uusimaa
Re: Iron Poet XX
Spoiler: muh comments to yaFirst and foremost, thank you for your comments. I appreciate it a lot!
I have to say, I'm all for free form and really wish people would be more open for it.
It perhaps also is that I do have a rhythm for this in my own head, but it's hard for others to hear it. I have considered attaching a voice clip to accompany my poems, but then it kind of takes away from the openness of poems. My interpretation is not the same as yours and so on.
Now, if you'd like me to reveal you what the hell this poyem is about, here it is:
SpoilerReally wanna know?SpoilerI have been heavily influenced by my recent re-falling in love with WWI and WWII. White threads in the sky referred to the trails some aeroplanes leave after them. The poem was actually originally not free form, although I did mention I am an advocate and think poem should have no timid limits. The thing is, the original theme was heavily influenced by some RL politics, so I had to cut all that off and still make it a somewhat coherent piece.Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2014-09-03, 11:15 PM (ISO 8601)
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- California
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Re: Iron Poet XX
I'm super sorry I didn't enter, I left partway, and had planned to write one, but it left my mind...
Augh.
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2014-09-09, 09:26 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2013
Re: Iron Poet XX
Breaking the bystander syndrome with a prod.
Last edited by Exegesis; 2014-09-09 at 10:15 AM.
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2014-09-09, 09:32 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Boulder, CO
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Apologies for not getting judgments up over the weekend. I'll get them finished in the next few days, I promise.
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2014-09-09, 03:12 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2010
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- Home
Re: Iron Poet XX
Alamryn Kven, a druid who tries very hard not to be useless.
Celesta Halla, a fearless barbarian.
Jheren Falconer, a drifter ranger.
Rhenner Calami, a snarky medic with an untrustworthy memory.
DMing Ljonarian Enigma: Imperial Affairs and The Pirate Dream: Sliced Heart
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2014-09-13, 05:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2010
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- Home
Re: Iron Poet XX
Finally, sorry for taking so long.
My judgements and comments:
Spoiler: The Fiery Tower vs. Duck999: Grime, Father
Spoiler: The Fiery TowerNo entry.
Spoiler: Duck999Chilly. I'd work a little more on some of the lines, but I guess overall it's not too bad. Hmm.. It doesn't tell why the speaker got so violent, though they wonder about that themselves. I get some sadness and regret from the poem, though no very strong really. Seems the speaker is more like trying to figure out what is going on in his own head, which kind of works I suppose.
Spoiler: WinnerDuck999 wins by default.
Spoiler: Weezer vs. FinnLassie: Cloud, Thread
Spoiler: WeezerNo entry.
Spoiler: FinnLassieThis was interesting. First it seemed like a lamentation of how it's just been cloudy so long, then in the second verse you get to know that it's not something that mundane, and the mention of airships suggests that the story is about a different world than ours. It ends on a dark note, something has gone terribly wrong and there's no hint will or can it be fixed.
I couldn't really figure out how this was supposed to be read though. It sort of rhymed, but then not. Still, I did quite like the atmosphere of this poem.
Spoiler: WinnerFinnLassie wins by default.
Spoiler: Techwarrior vs. parodoxymoron: Ward, Shaking
Spoiler: TechwarriorI like it how in the beginning the audience is as clueless as the speaker, but in the following verses you start to get some idea what happened to them. The mention of allergens and panthogens is a bit direct, some more subtle way might have been more interesting. Though the speaker does mention a bright flash, so maybe the condition is not about those after all..?
The two last lines are my favourite in this poem and make a good ending.
Spoiler: parodoxymoronNo entry.
Spoiler: WinnerTechwarrior wins by default.
Spoiler: Cuthalion vs. The Extinguisher: Shift, Invite
Spoiler: CuthalionNo entry.
Spoiler: The ExtinguisherThe poem had a nice dry and tired tone, which suited it well. Ok, maybe 'nice' isn't the word, but you get the point. I like how the words and lines follow each other slowly, one after another. I get the image of the gravedigger working at the same pace with them, moving the earth with a shovel. And in the end, dropping it with the last word.
So like I said, I liked the poem's structure. It wasn't trying to rhyme, but had a good flow.
I've seen the young,
and the old,
the sick and the well.
is proabably my favourite part, though I can't say why exactly.
Spoiler: WinnerThe Extinguisher wins by default.
Spoiler: TheWombatofDoom vs. Targ Collective: Predecessor, Store
Spoiler: TheWombatofDoomNo entry.
Spoiler: Targ CollectiveThis was a fun poem to read outloud. It rolled of the tongue nicely. There were a few lines that could have perhaps used a little more honing, but overall it had a good flow.
I liked how the dragon was presented here. He had roasted humans, but also protected them, both to protect the hoard and keep his word. Dragons are so often so blatantly good or evil, it was refreshing. It seemed to me that the grudge he had, was actually against these intruding adventurers, not humans in general, and was willing to learn to understand them too.
A nice poem with a fairy tale like feel to it.
Spoiler: WinnerTarg Collective wins by default.
Spoiler: 3SecondCultist vs. Septimus Fabrius: Theory, Bathroom
Spoiler: 3SecondCultistUh, this poem really creeped me out. I suppose you can interpret it in a couple of ways, but what comes to my mind.. Ugh, not pretty.
I like how it reads, the only lines that rhyme are those with 'mind and 'blind', right? And they keep repeating with different meanings and context. Both promts are also visibly used.
Spoiler: Septimus FabriusThis made me so sad.
Anyway, I liked how there were as little words as necessary, I think it gave those that were more power. The pacing was pretty good and the use of simple words, the only place I felt the flow stop was 'obstinacy'. Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker, but the word seemed a little out of place here. Unless you specifically wanted to draw attention to that word.
The poem manages to paint the scene quite well and convey the emotions. It's also focuses more on the hesitation and the question 'can the speaker do it', rather than the reasons why, which I think is a good use of the promt.
Spoiler: WinnerThough decision, both poems succeeded in stirring emotions and painting a scene of their dark stories. In the end, I choose SeptimusFabrius.
Spoiler: Benthesquid vs. Exegesis: Graduate, Low
Spoiler: BenthesquidUnusual structure.. So there's the speakers actions, writings and thoughts, differentiated by formatting. That works, yes. It's funny how the writing that is in prose, sounds most like gibberish, and the parts that rhyme have most clear meaning.
The scene this paints in my head is of a young mage (or maybe a scholar) sitting in a small room, with just a small candle to give light.
Spoiler: ExegesisI had to read this a few times before I could make heads or tails of it. ...And I'm still not really sure. XD
Anyway.. Reading it literally, this poem sure has a... interesting scene going on, think that would make a fun animated clip. Now, if I want to look for some indirect meaning, then the This Great Squid could be a metaphor for the collective criticism and evaluation the thesis receives. This amuses me; for some reason it was the last line (not counting Epilogues) that made me first think of this interpretation.
Oh, I really like the Epilogues part, and the three outcomes of this battle, one good, one bad and one fantastical. Which of them happened? Maybe it depends on how one interprets the poem, based on that conclusion one can choose the fitting end. So in a way, they are all true, in their own universes.
Spoiler: WinnerI think the 'Epilogues', pushes my verdict in favour of Exegesis.
Spoiler: Zweisteine vs. Dallas-Dakota: Faint, Guard
Spoiler: ZweisteineNice rhyme. :)
To survive so long, only to be cut down by another's greed.. Tsk. I really wish I didn't find this tale so believable, but I'm far too cynical to think otherwise. What the guard though after the traveller had died is left unsaid. Indifference? Annoyance? Or dare I hope there was some regret? That he only wanted to make a profit, but didn't mean the other man to die. Does it make a difference?
I didn't get much emotion out of this poem, but maybe some thoughts.
Spoiler: Dallas-DakotaHmm... really liked the rhyming in this one, and the choice of words. It describes the fight that's going on, but little else, which is all that's needed here, I suppose.
Sorry, can't think of much else to say, except that I simply liked it.
Spoiler: WinnerBoth were nice poems, but I'll give the win to Dallas Dakota.
Alamryn Kven, a druid who tries very hard not to be useless.
Celesta Halla, a fearless barbarian.
Jheren Falconer, a drifter ranger.
Rhenner Calami, a snarky medic with an untrustworthy memory.
DMing Ljonarian Enigma: Imperial Affairs and The Pirate Dream: Sliced Heart
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2014-09-21, 10:43 AM (ISO 8601)
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2014-09-21, 12:41 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Canada
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Huh. Well looking at the judgments, we've got 1-1 ties in all of the slots where there was no default win. We're waiting on DrBwaa to come down on the rulings, right?
Last edited by 3SecondCultist; 2014-09-21 at 12:41 PM.
Spoiler: Stuff I'm Working OnSmall Justice
An ongoing web serial about politics, vengeance, and miniature lizards. Go check it out!
"Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in the face of certain defeat."
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2014-09-21, 01:38 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2013
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- Milwaukee, WI
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Looks that way. *shakes hand* It has been an honour writing poetry against you, good sir.
Knitting my way through life, one purl of wisdom at a time.
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2014-09-22, 05:41 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2013
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- In Hammer Space
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Re: Iron Poet XX
*coughs* Did anyone PM our last judge yet? Remind him to visit this wondrous thread.
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2014-09-22, 07:29 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2010
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- Canada
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Spoiler: Stuff I'm Working OnSmall Justice
An ongoing web serial about politics, vengeance, and miniature lizards. Go check it out!
"Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in the face of certain defeat."
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2014-09-22, 09:01 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2008
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- Boulder, CO
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Re: Iron Poet XX
I'm around; just been busy; my apologies. I'll have rulings for you this afternoon.
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2014-09-22, 09:57 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
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2014-09-22, 04:45 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2013
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- In Hammer Space
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Re: Iron Poet XX
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2014-09-22, 07:31 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2008
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- Boulder, CO
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Re: Iron Poet XX
Sorry, sorry, sorry for the delay! A brief disclaimer: these aren't really reviews, so much as critiques. I enjoyed each and every poem you folks submitted. My critiques are really just hints as to how to curry favor with me in the next round. Anyway, onward!
The Fiery Tower vs. Duck999: Grime, Father
Spoiler: The Fiery TowerNo Entry
Spoiler: Duck999Interesting path you've chosen for this prompt, and the whole thing makes for some very powerful reflection. Typos aside, the only thing that really bothers me here is the few lines where your language gets very stilted in order to accommodate the meter or rhyme scheme. I think it's likely safe to chalk this up to your time constraints--but I'll be expecting fewer typos in your next entry!
Spoiler: VerdictDuck999
Weezer vs. FinnLassie: Cloud, Thread
Spoiler: WeezerNo Entry
Spoiler: FinnLassieSimple and effective, yet well-layered. I enjoyed this. I wish the meter were a little more regular, but it's not too outlandish. The content is great; the resigned, almost mournful tone is well-done, too. You've got a lot of beautiful imagery in here.
I enjoyed the final stanza quite a bit, though the first line ("It was us that began this child's play") rubs my stricter grammatical sensibilities the wrong way. I do very much like the absence of punctuation. It feels appropriate for the sort of wartime exhaustion you've got going on.
Spoiler: VerdictFinnLassie
Techwarrior vs. parodoxymoron: Ward, Shaking
Spoiler: TechwarriorI liked this a lot. You've got some great language and your use of the meter and rhyme scheme doesn't seem forced; in fact the stanzas do a good job of rendering snatches of consciousness.
The only part I didn't like so much was the very last line. You've had very consistent rhyming throughout, so this one stuck out pretty seriously, and there's no content twist to make it more palatable, so it just comes off as strange.
By and large though, this was great, and I'm looking forward to what you bring out next round!
Spoiler: parodoxymoronNo Entry
Spoiler: VerdictTechwarrior
Cuthalion vs. The Extinguisher: Shift, Invite
Spoiler: CuthalionNo Entry
Spoiler: The ExtinguisherWow. This is really good. Kind of existentially depressing, but very good.
"A graveyard shift of perspective" is a good double-meaning, though it feels a little out of place. The speaker doesn't really feel like the kind of guy who goes around making a lot of puns. Then again, there are a few other clever turns of phrase in here, so perhaps it's not that surprising.
The fact that the stanzas aren't quite even (both in terms of meter and the fact that the "forty-five years" stanzas are almost, but not quite, every other) bugs me a bit, but overall this is very well executed (heh).
Spoiler: VerdictThe Extinguisher
TheWombatofDoom vs. Targ Collective: Predecessor, Store
Spoiler: TheWombatofDoomNo Entry
Spoiler: Targ CollectiveYou've got a nice story here, and you used the prompt very directly! That said, it seems a little like you were feeling constrained by the prompt. Your plot is composed reasonably well, but it doesn't play very nicely with the rhythm and style you've chosen for the poem. The rhythm and tone tend to suffer around key plot points--especially those related directly to the prompt.
The rhythm, overall, is a bit wild, considering the speaker and the content. There are a few places where if you hammer every syllable, it could work, but for the fact that the words don't actually sound like that. For instance,
"Battle magic too I learned
And proficiency in it earned."
There are also some spots where the tone is surprising. I didn't like all the "pater" at first, but actually it holds some resonance with the old connotations of the word, since it was generally used in reverance--appropriate for a child honoring his father's memory. However, the various snippets of conversation between the two dragons feel very casual and/or stilted. Again, this feels like constraints of the poem, but that's one of the things that's so tricky about poetic dialogue: making it flow both within the poem, and as natural dialogue, is very difficult.
Overall, I enjoyed the story you told, but it felt a little like what you wanted to write got obscured by having to include the prompt themes. It might have had better flow if you'd made the prompt either more central or less, and let the plot overrun the form a little bit less.
Spoiler: VerdictTarg Collective
3SecondCultist vs. SeptimusFabrius: Theory, Bathroom
Spoiler: 3SecondCultistWow, this is the first time I've seen someone attempt a sestina in this contest. Remarkably well done.
There were very few spots that felt a little forced--"theory" makes for a very challenging end-word. I think maybe you could have made this a little stronger by choosing something else; I certainly couldn't have blamed you. But obviously managing to work both prompt words in as end words is tempting. Very well done.
Spoiler: SeptimusFabriusThis is cleverly done! I'm having to squint a bit to see the "theory" in here, but the rest is very solid.
You've got two very distinct voices and they work well. The structure really supports the content, which is great.
Not me, I couldn't. I told you so.
Spoiler: Verdict3SecondCultist
Benthesquid vs. Exegesis: Graduate, Low
Spoiler: BenthesquidYou've taken on quite a challenge in a short piece, injecting prose--specifically very dry, authoritative prose--into a poem. The content is certainly interesting, though!
I'm not entirely sold on making the refrain boldface--it does evoke a quill pen, which I like a lot, but it also seems like you could have just used stanza breaks. I think this could benefit from stanza breaks even with the boldface, for that matter.
Something else I found pretty interesting is that you chose to call out "Master's" directly. I find it a little jarring, especially since until that point, I'm not picturing a grad student--I'm picturing a older mage or scholar, writing by candlelight with his ink quill. Of course, there's always the possibility that the juxtaposition is intentional--I wouldn't be that surprised to learn that scholars of the Pnakotic Fragments write only by quill.
All in all I enjoyed this quite a bit, and you mingled the prose and poetry effectively. My only real wish is that you'd broken it up into stanzas (or should I say, "fragments").
Spoiler: ExegesisThe language here fits your content very well. Very vivid, yet too terrible to be fully understood by mortal minds. It fits in with Benthesquid's submission, without being tied too tightly to its concept. That said, it's a little more free than I usually like my poetry.
What really gets me here, though, is your metaphor--you've got psychic possession, worship, faith, and sacrifice. Lots of ways to tie this to the (somewhat overdramatized) life of a Scholar.
Spoiler: VerdictExegesis
Zweisteine vs. Dallas-Dakota: Faint, Guard
Spoiler: ZweisteineYou do a lot here that I like. You evoke some very relatable, very human themes, and it works well. The foreshadowing in the first stanza is nice, too.
There are a few places where the meter falters a bit (e.g. "To the traveller told"), or where the content gets a bit convoluted for the sake of the rhyme ("To the deadly pain he'd long since gained"), but overall this is quite solid.
Spoiler: Dallas-DakotaThe rhyme and meter here are very interesting. For the most part, I like the shifting rhyme scheme as a parallel to the duel, but there are definitely a couple of places where it feels like you're filling space, or else just trying to match a rhyme. For the most part, though, you control the flow pretty well, and the stanzas that stand out by their unusual rhyme schemes (2, 4, 7, and 8) are also the ones in which blood is drawn--that's a nice touch.
The sum is a pretty entertaining fight scene, supported by the form.
Spoiler: VerdictDallas-Dakota
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2014-09-22, 08:19 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2013
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Re: Iron Poet XX
I didn't have immediate computer access when inspiration slapped my face and I needed to speed write a poem, and typing on a mobile device causes many typos in my case. I'll check it over next time.
Bejeezus. So many typos that I needed to fix in this post alone. I thought about leavig them to prove a poitn.
Those last two weren't on purpose.Avatar made by Bradakhan| Other avatars.