What the hell is wrong with me?

[countess]

As we walked she confronted me on the matter: what she basically told me is that I'm not allowed to feel this way, because I must look around and notice that there are people in worse situations than mine, so I do not have the right to feel bad. She even mentioned "children in Africa" as an example of such distressed individuals.

I've had people say similar things to me in the past, and in most cases they were trying to help. I suppose they think that if you explain to someone that, logically, their situation isn't that bad then the depression will go away.

Unfortunately depression isn't logical. This sort of reasoning is just perfect for making the depression worse. I know I ended up feeling very guilty for being depressed when I had no 'right' to be. It is only many years later that I can see how wrong this was.

As other people have said, you're not letting anyone down, and this is as real an illness as anything physical. Don't forget that uf you don't have a doctor you can visit at the moment, you can always go to the hospital. If you get to the point where you feel like hurting yourself then this is as much of a medical emergency as if you break an arm or a leg.

I would also just like to say that I think you're very brave, since you are already talking about this (I know how hard this can be).

[Gwynfrid]

So today I spoke to my teacher. First I sent her a distressed SMS, actually a very bad move; then she came with her husband and her son and told me to come with them to eat something, and she wouldn't let me stay in my room and get out later. As we walked she confronted me on the matter: what she basically told me is that I'm not allowed to feel this way, because I must look around and notice that there are people in worse situations than mine, so I do not have the right to feel bad. She even mentioned "children in Africa" as an example of such distressed individuals.

So she tried to help, but was insensitive to your actual state of mind. Maybe it's not as clear to her standing in front of you, as it is to us here reading you. Whatever. She's qualified to be your teacher, but she's not your mother, and she's not qualified to be your doctor. So you can freely dismiss what she says about your mind, especially if it boils down to "you're not allowed such feelings". Not only you're allowed the feelings you have, but your feelings aren't something you can control in the first place. What she really means is you're not allowed to express your feelings to her. You have already decided to no longer do on that, which is the correct move.

Besides, I recovered a bit. After a good dinner, we went to Notre Dame, and afterwards had a nice stroll in Paris; now I'm in my room, calmer than this afternoon, but I admit that this problem has to be tackled with care. I still don't know what to do with Princeton: I feel that it is too much of an opportunity to let it pass...but I feel to need psychological assitance, a path that is long and hard.

I understand the conundrum, but you shouldn't try to fix it on your own, without qualified assistance. It may be that a doctor can fix you up in time to go to Princeton; it may be that you need to have an extended period of rest, and in that case going to Princeton and ignoring your mental health will only make things worse. We don't know which it is, and you don't know, and your teacher most certainly doesn't know. All we can say, based on your posts, is that you need an expert to provide guidance you in this situation.

I'm not sure an attempt at humor can help, but here it is: In D&D terms, you just failed your saving throw against a Feeblemind spell. There's no cleric in your party, and the wizard isn't of a high enough level for Limited Wish. You need to find somebody to cast Heal on you.

[Guard]

I'm not sure an attempt at humor can help, but here it is: In D&D terms, you just failed your saving throw against a Feeblemind spell. There's no cleric in your party, and the wizard isn't of a high enough level for Limited Wish. You need to find somebody to cast Heal on you.

True enough, except I think we're closer to a disease causing mounting Will saves here.

You did tough step number one, figuring out that there's a problem on your own, and like someone upthread remarked you can be proud of that. We're proud of that.

Now you need to do tough step number two, seeking help. Do so, and be proud of yourself, for acting on your knowledge, but also work at being proud of yourself for being you.

As a total internet stranger, just reading what you write doesn't make it seem like you're worthless. It makes you look like you're an incredible person that, if you were my friend, I'd be proud to know.

[AtomicKitKat]

I don't normally respond to psychology threads, but you might want to note the lessons of A Beautiful Mind. It is very often the case that people we would generally perceive as "highly intelligent" are in fact more prone to mental breakdowns/depression. Get the help you need.

[Cicciograna]

I'm not sure an attempt at humor can help, but here it is: In D&D terms, you just failed your saving throw against a Feeblemind spell. There's no cleric in your party, and the wizard isn't of a high enough level for Limited Wish. You need to find somebody to cast Heal on you.

Humor is always appreciated, a good laugh is a great therapy for many ailments

I haven't been writing for a couple of days, quite busy actually.
During my stay in Paris, I kept in contact with my family and decided to join them at our vacation house, on the seaside, and that I'd have gotten there with my uncle. Imagine my surprise when, stepping out of the airport, I found my ex waiting for me. She had driven from her town up to Naples to get me home, ignoring that there was my uncle waiting for me to leave.
She was trembling, she was clearly nervous, she stammered: I felt really sorry for her, I gave her a big hug explaining that I couldn't come with her, as I had other plans. However, I told her that I'd come home with her and forego the short vacation, but she pressed me to go altogether, almost crying. I hugged her again and left. I don't know if I made the right choice.

While in the car with my uncle and cousin, i texted my ex, telling her that she's dear to me, but she replied that she wasn't dear enought to forego the vacation. I felt horrible.

When we finally arrived, that evening, I called her. She told me that she was absolutely scared that I could yell at her in front of everybody for coming, and she began crying: realizing that I've become a monster, I started crying with her, but quickly recovered, and told her that she has to move on with her life. Then she began moaning and growing too attached to me, praying me not to leave her alone, not to go to Princeton and trying to put me in her shoes. I flipped. I started screaming that she must not require me to make decisions, to pick choices, to opt for a course of action instead of another, as I'm sore and mentally tired, and I don't want the additional stress to take care of her emotional state. She cried, and I became even more angry, to the point of blacklisting her number not to hear from her: she tried to call me for almost all evening, and finally, having cooled off a bit, I answered and told her not to call me again. I insulted her. I hurt her. I told her bad, bad things, without meaning them, just to have some respite. In the end we left and gave each other good night, but I'm sure she's collapsing.

I feel bad, self-centered and all, but I don't know what to do. While in Paris I missed her a lot, the wonderful city was somewhat diminished being without her, and I told her (bad move). But I don't want to give her false expectations, for at least for now I don't want to be with her again.

Sorry guys, I'm probabily screwing with her. My sister and my cousin told me that I must give a strong signal deleting her from Facebook and telling her to get out of my life, but I've never liked these "definitive" things.
Gods, what a mess

[Lentrax]

Ya that's a mess of a pickle there.

I wish I knew what to do in situations like these. But well, I am not good at them either. But well, people don't like to be strung along. Oh sure, it delays the heartbreak of the final tie being cut, but it makes each cut leading to it deeper and more painful to get over.

My advice(and again, take with massive grain of salt, a couple of aspirin and a note from your doctor stating you are healthy enough to do something as crazy as listen to me.) my advice is to tell her. Lay everything down for her, make each point simple and short.

1. There is something wrong with me.
2. I do not know what to do about this.
3. I want to get help.
4. I do not want to keep hurting you.
5. etc. etc.

Here is the thing. If she is going to stick around, holding a candle for you while you try and fix yourself, then she truly is the amazing spectacular woman from a fantasy novel. But you really, really, REALLY need to make it plain that you do not know if you can get better, or how long it could take, or even that after you do that you will feel the same way about anything.

Just my thought and first impressions.

Usually wrong, and like I said, take my advice with a grain of salt. But I wish you luck, and the very best of health.

[Cyrion]

It doesn't sound like you're deliberately screwing with her, but it definitely sounds like a) she doesn't understand what's going on, b) she wants to be there for you, and c) your volatile emotions are interfering with your ability to either pursue or cut the relationship in an appropriate way.

Once again, talk to the people close to you. Talk to your family, talk to your ex, talk to your advisers, and talk to a medical professional! Of course, you've got a community here who are willing to listen and offer their support, and everyone's safely anonymous behind their digital personae, but we can't offer you the concrete help that the people around you can.

As an almost-tangent, your post made me think of the song I'm currently choreographing a juggling routine to:

Spoiler

Show

Io non credo nei miracoli,
meglio che ti liberi
meglio che ti guardi dentro
Questa vita lascia i lividi
questa mette i brividi
certe volte è più un combattimento
C’è quel vuoto che non sai,
che poi non dici mai,
che brucia nelle vene come se
Il mondo è contro te
e tu non sai il perché,
lo so me lo ricordo bene

lo sono qui
Per ascoltare un sogno
Non parlerò
Se non ne avrai bisogno
Ma ci sarò
Perché così mi sento
Accanto a te viaggiando controvento

Risolverò
Magari poco o niente
Ma ci sarò
E questo è l’importante
Acqua sarò, che spegnerà un momento
Accanto a te viaggiando controvento

Tanto il tempo solo lui lo sa,
quando e come finirà
La tua sofferenza e il tuo lamento
C’è quel vuoto che non sai
che poi non dici mai
Che brucia nelle vene come se
Il mondo è contro te
e tu non sai il perché
Lo so me lo ricordo bene

lo sono qui
Per ascoltare un sogno
Non parlerò
Se non ne avrai bisogno
Ma ci sarò
Perché cosi mi sento
Accanto a te viaggiando controvento

Risolverò
Magari poco o niente
Ma ci sarò
E questo è l’importante
Acqua sarò, che spegnerà un momento
Accanto a te
Viaggiando controvento
Viaggiando controvento
Viaggiando controvento
Acqua sarò che spegnerà un momento
Accanto a te viaggiando controvento

[lio45]

Yet I can't get back with her, if I think about myself again with her, my mind and my soul reject the idea. One part of my would like to make some new "experiences", if you know what I mean (my ex was my first girlfriend ever: before her, I had never had anyone), but being a shy, introverted and timid person I do not have any clue on how one hits on a girl, so there's no way I'm going to score with someone.

Reading this ^^^ I'm going to propose a slightly different POV...

I know at least a few people who were in apparently healthy, normal relationships that had been lasting for years with their very first gf or bf, and then suddenly snapped and left the other because they just couldn't imagine spending their entire life without having known anything else but that one person.

(A reasonable feeling, IMHO.)

Do you think that factor could be playing a role in your reaction towards your ex?

Also, words of hope for you: Online Dating.

I'm not kidding. I used to look down upon meeting a girl in that manner, but nowadays the stigma is totally unwarranted. A century ago people met at the county dance, a couple decades ago they met in bars; online dating is just how people meet nowadays, the reflection of an era. So, I decided to step into the modern times...

It's honestly mind-blowing the number of nice people you'll find on a good dating site... and how quickly you can get to meet people, in a (respectfully) "shopping" manner. Since my ex and I broke up, I had for a little while a "how the hell am I going to meet girls in my line of work? I'm going to remain single forever!" moment... but not any more. It's crazy how many nice girls are out there, and they tend to like nice guys. If you're not a douchebag (which your messages will certainly show), it shouldn't be difficult.


P.S. I'm also a theoretical physicist myself, but don't work in science any more. I'm only a tiny bit older than you. I would definitely recommend not missing out on the Princeton opportunity, but that's just my feeling.


P.P.S. Lately, I was chatting with one of my best friends... he's been with his Mrs Right for nearly 10 years now, they're married, and he told me that he actually envied me, in a certain sense, for one thing: he would really like to have known the golden era of online dating. It's really a powerful tool to get people together... and meeting a few others in the meantime definitely doesn't mean you can't go back to your ex, if it turns out she's the right one. But IMO you can't well be sure she is the right one if she's been the only one...

[Comissar]

Ya that's a mess of a pickle there.

I wish I knew what to do in situations like these. But well, I am not good at them either. But well, people don't like to be strung along. Oh sure, it delays the heartbreak of the final tie being cut, but it makes each cut leading to it deeper and more painful to get over.

My advice(and again, take with massive grain of salt, a couple of aspirin and a note from your doctor stating you are healthy enough to do something as crazy as listen to me.) my advice is to tell her. Lay everything down for her, make each point simple and short.

1. There is something wrong with me.
2. I do not know what to do about this.
3. I want to get help.
4. I do not want to keep hurting you.
5. etc. etc.

Here is the thing. If she is going to stick around, holding a candle for you while you try and fix yourself, then she truly is the amazing spectacular woman from a fantasy novel. But you really, really, REALLY need to make it plain that you do not know if you can get better, or how long it could take, or even that after you do that you will feel the same way about anything.

Just my thought and first impressions.

Usually wrong, and like I said, take my advice with a grain of salt. But I wish you luck, and the very best of health.

I'm going to echo this. Make it clear to your ex that you're struggling with yourself right now. You need time to work on it, and you don't want to hurt her during the process. The most important thing is that you continue to go on and get help no matter what. I don't know what she's like, but it sounds like she cares a great deal for you. It's possible she may try and talk you out of doing what you need to, people do sometimes give misguided advice from places of love. But this is arguably one of the most important things you'll ever do with your life up to this point. You must get yourself to a professional and start the process of working through this.

[Icewraith]

Have you been evaluated by a doctor yet? I understand that it can often take quite the shock for someone to finally accept they need medical help (I was so intent on not needing help I almost bombed my way out of grad school because of it), but medical help is often the best and fastest solution.

You'd be amazed how quickly you can become accustomed to feeling terrible and miserable, it doesn't seem like any medication should do anything. In my case the difference is night and day- again, I speak from experience.

Are you willing to chance the long realtionship with your (supposed, she clearly wants you back) ex and your position and research opportunities on the assumption that a doctor visit, evaluation by a psychiatrist, and the act of taking a small pill once or twice a day won't get you feeling capable of love and back to your old self in a couple days or weeks? From a statistical perspective, there's an excellent chance that it will work.

Please. Get help. Don't trust your instincts right now, if you're depressed they're most likely screwed up.

If you haven't gotten help yet, and don't want to or feel terrible about ignoring us because you haven't done it, or guilty for what you're putting your ex through... ignore all those feelings. Don't let them stop you from going. See a doctor. Get treatment. Nobody should judge you.

You can probably come up with hundreds of seemingly good reasons why you don't need treatment. There is possibly a chemical imbalance in your brain that is impacting your thinking and causing depression, among other things. Your reasoning right now is invalid, and since your future as an intellectual depends on having a functioning brain, your livelihood and future are in danger.

If you can get help soon, like now, it's entirely possible you will be feeling well enough to handle princeton when it comes and you'll be able to happily resolve the situation with your ex, and maybe turn her into an ex-ex if that's how the both of you feel once you're undergoing treatment.

Get treatment. Make time. Protect your brain.

[Cicciograna]

Guys, I'm reading, even if I don't reply immediately. I'm not in the mood to write a lot in these days.

I've taken contact with a friend psychologist. I look forward to meeting him, he's qualified and I hope he'll give me some insight.

The problem is summer: I'm going to leave and have some vacation at the end of July, and I feel I cannot miss this opportunity to rest a bit, I really need the break; and then, by the half of September, there's Princeton, with its load of courses and general business (yep, I decided to go). Please don't blame me, but this is what I feel to do right now: I'm taking the last steps for my thesis before summer, then I'll go to the sea for a while.

Thank you for taking the time to reading my thoughts.

PS: just to clarify something that seemed a little bit confused. It was me who left my GF and decided not to talk to her. She strongly wants me to see a doctor, she deeply cares for me. So yes, she's really, REALLY wonderful. I'm a complete idiot, and part of me is sure that I'm kicking the best person in my entire life. What a mess.

[Icewraith]

Guys, I'm reading, even if I don't reply immediately. I'm not in the mood to write a lot in these days.

I've taken contact with a friend psychologist. I look forward to meeting him, he's qualified and I hope he'll give me some insight.

The problem is summer: I'm going to leave and have some vacation at the end of July, and I feel I cannot miss this opportunity to rest a bit, I really need the break; and then, by the half of September, there's Princeton, with its load of courses and general business (yep, I decided to go). Please don't blame me, but this is what I feel to do right now: I'm taking the last steps for my thesis before summer, then I'll go to the sea for a while.

Thank you for taking the time to reading my thoughts.

PS: just to clarify something that seemed a little bit confused. It was me who left my GF and decided not to talk to her. She strongly wants me to see a doctor, she deeply cares for me. So yes, she's really, REALLY wonderful. I'm a complete idiot, and part of me is sure that I'm kicking the best person in my entire life. What a mess.

Now's the time then. If you can start treatment now (your friend psychologist might be too close to treat you for ethics reasons, but he can refer you to a colleague) and maybe get on some meds, you'll be able to start them on vacation. If you can call in interviews with the dr to check on how you're doing (and head off any side effects) you could be in much better shape for Princeton. You also might enjoy your vacation a lot more if your brain chemistry is back in balance.

When you're depressed, guilt is usually your brain's way of stopping you from doing or enjoying things that are good for you. Fear is another good one.

Traveling to a foreign country with a lot of leisure time is no situation to be packing an out-of-balance brain. Make time to see a doctor ASAP.

[Drake2009]

Idea for you, to help with the GF problems, just write her a letter, she cant interrupt you, or get angry and shout. Simply tell her your state of mind, and how you really dont want to hurt her. Tell her that you think you need to get away for a bit, and that you really would like to fix yourself, before trying to fix the relationship, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR LATER! What matters now is you! Your GF will have to wait, while you get help. You need to have your mind in the right place, before making these GF decisions.

[lio45]

(yep, I decided to go)

I am convinced you won't regret that decision.

On the other hand... the opposite decision, now that, I'm pretty sure you'd regret it later. I'm looking at your situation from a physicist's point of view -- and far from "blaming you" as you fear people might, I am actually sure you made the right choice.

Make sure you get as much (mental) rest as possible before you go. You seem mentally overworked (I know what that can be)... Is there some exercising, physical activity, fresh air in your routine?

The chorus of "OMG!!! You must immediately run to the closest doctor's office so you can get a cocktail of antidepressants prescribed to you this minute" comments bugs me a bit. Sure, seeing a professional is never a bad idea (your psych friend is a great start), but I'm really not a fan of the school of thought that recommends to try to fix every little thing with medication...

I think there's something worth analyzing in your reaction to your gf/ex... you're a smart, rational person, and you say that part of you feels that you want to "move on" from her, even though she's definitely a great person, no doubt about that.

I know a lot of girls, personally, who are certainly wonderful people. Smart, caring, generous, etc. Great people to have around, as friends. But that doesn't mean AT ALL that they would make me happy as my one and only significant other and lover. It's really a completely different thing.

"This girl is a super nice person, and she deeply cares for me", is, by itself, is a very very poor reason to commit to a monogamous lasting relationship with that person. That's a recipe for unhappiness, and you'll likely end up leaving her later, making it even worse then.

[Icewraith]

Idea for you, to help with the GF problems, just write her a letter, she cant interrupt you, or get angry and shout. Simply tell her your state of mind, and how you really dont want to hurt her. Tell her that you think you need to get away for a bit, and that you really would like to fix yourself, before trying to fix the relationship, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR LATER! What matters now is you! Your GF will have to wait, while you get help. You need to have your mind in the right place, before making these GF decisions.

He doesn't need to do this, it sounds like the GF already has a pretty good idea of what's up. She's had a front row seat as whatever is affecting Cicciograna hit full bore. He's already called it off, but it sounds like she's treating them as "on hold" and trying to get him help in the meantime.

If she's actually pushing to restart their relationship right this second, I agree it's a bad idea. If he gets treatment it's highly likely she'll be willing to hang around and give things a shot once he starts feeling better. But the last thing he needs to be doing right now is writing her breakup letters when they're already technically broken up. She knows, and the process of writing the letter is a great opportunity for his probably chemically unbalanced brain to jump all over him with guilt and fear. Also, we want her to stick around since it sounds like she wants to get him in treatment as well, and she's willing to stick by him while he's going through all of this.

There's only so many ways to say it, but the sooner Cicciograna gets medical help the better. His brain is probably going to actively fight him on this matter, throwing up all kinds of excuses and inconveniances as to why he should delay.

But, the sooner he gets treatment, the less damage he'll do to his relationships and the sooner he'll start feeling better. If he's got a legit appointment with his buddy (who should be a medical professional) next week then ideally he'd be able to move it to today or tomorrow at some time he can make it.

Edit: Here's why there's so much "GET TO DA DOCTA!"

1: I've been there and it sucks, and the sooner he's out of it the better. The longer it sits the harder it becomes to be anything but a blob on the couch, and the easier it is to permanently screw up your life.

2: Hopefully it's not an antidepressant cocktail, a lot of times it's a matter of finding one pill that has a couple minor side effects you can live with. Or it's a temporary boost to get your biology out of the rut it dug itself into.

3: It might not solve his problem, but it does help quite a lot of people out, it's up to the Dr. to figure that out. The odds are good, medication can start to have a positive effect pretty quickly, and he's got a lot going on. This is sort of the solution you should try first before looking elsewhere.

4: I believe suicidal thoughts were mentioned and you really don't mess around with those.

5: If this gets handles quickly and successfully, it will be much easier to salvage his relationship.

6: If he gets treatment now, it will most likely have taken effect before goes to Princeton, which is expected to be a pressure cooker and an unfamiliar environment.

7: He might have a much more pleasant vacation if his brain is producing enough "I'm happy" chemicals for him to notice.

8: If he starts to improve, he might at least get his relationship out of "bad limbo" and no longer have that or the associated guilt hanging over his head on his vacation.

[Gwynfrid]

The chorus of "OMG!!! You must immediately run to the closest doctor's office so you can get a cocktail of antidepressants prescribed to you this minute" comments bugs me a bit. Sure, seeing a professional is never a bad idea (your psych friend is a great start), but I'm really not a fan of the school of thought that recommends to try to fix every little thing with medication...

I don't think anyone is seriously recommending to fix everything with medication specifically. Only a doctor who's actually seen him would be in a position to do so.

Where I agree is on the need to avoid making any definitive, long-term decisions with a brain that's under severe stress and (possibly) a medical condition.

[Asta Kask]

Edit: Here's why there's so much "GET TO DA DOCTA!"

1: I've been there and it sucks, and the sooner he's out of it the better. The longer it sits the harder it becomes to be anything but a blob on the couch, and the easier it is to permanently screw up your life.

It's even worse than that. If you don't do anything about a depression, chances are it will heal within 6-12 months, but the risk of it recurring is higher, and if it recurs the risk of it becoming worse with each time is higher. Contrary to what some people might think, there really is such a thing as a chemical imbalance.

[Lentrax]

The chorus of "OMG!!! You must immediately run to the closest doctor's office so you can get a cocktail of antidepressants prescribed to you this minute" comments bugs me a bit. Sure, seeing a professional is never a bad idea (your psych friend is a great start), but I'm really not a fan of the school of thought that recommends to try to fix every little thing with medication...

Wanna know why I recommended going to a professional?

I have clinical depression. I suffer from night terrors. I have PTSD. And Yeah, medication may help you short term, but my (and a lot of other people I know with some of the same issues) long term plan is to be able to feel better about myself, without them. This has so far taken five years, and I am not yet at my goal, but I in no way endorse the 'just prescribe a bunch of stuff and hope it goes away,' school of thought. And even if they do prescribe them, it is up to you to take them.

[lio45]

I have clinical depression. I suffer from night terrors. I have PTSD.

By pure coincidence, it turns out that I happen to be able to personally relate to both his situation, and a tiny tiny tiny bit to yours. (As a physicist who also did ~two years in the Army for interest/experience but never got anywhere close to a combat zone -- I personally got to know people who did, though.)

I would say that I'm not sure there are that many parallels between the situations the two of you are in.

I'm pretty sure that you are doing the very right thing for your own situation, and judging by the feeling I got from some of your posts I'm confident you're on the right path, though it will be a long journey.

Didn't want to single you out either; you're far from the only one who've recommended medication to a degree.

[Lentrax]

For the sake of not clogging this thread with very unrelated tangents and side remarks, I am not going to argue this with you here.

[Icewraith]

For the very long term, yes, ideally you can get to a place where you don't need medication. However, you need to get through the short term before you can even think about the middle and long term, and you need to get to a doctor before medication is an option.

[lio45]

For the sake of not clogging this thread with very unrelated tangents and side remarks, I am not going to argue this with you here.

You would have wanted to argue that with me?

That during my years in academia (theoretical physics at the grad level) I've seen cases of burnouts, sure, but PTSD, nope... is something you want to challenge?

Cicciograna doesn't have PTSD, he actually might not even be clinically depressed. Re-reading the OP, it's best summed up by:

I realized I didn't love my GF anymore.

... in spite of the fact that she's, on paper, a super nice person, and that she does care about him. (Even though it's not reciprocal any more.)

Every single thing that's "going wrong" can be traced to the (understandable) guilt caused by that breakup.

[Icewraith]

You would have wanted to argue that with me?

That during my years in academia (theoretical physics at the grad level) I've seen cases of burnouts, sure, but PTSD, nope... is something you want to challenge?

Cicciograna doesn't have PTSD, he actually might not even be clinically depressed. Re-reading the OP, it's best summed up by:



... in spite of the fact that she's, on paper, a super nice person, and that she does care about him. (Even though it's not reciprocal any more.)

Every single thing that's "going wrong" can be traced to the (understandable) guilt caused by that breakup.

One of the things about depression is your brain can produce less of the chemicals related to feeling love.

If he's having suicidal thoughts and other signs of depression, and appears to be under a lot of stress, which is more likely- that he rationally decided to suddenly abandon what appears to have been a healthy relationship that was going well for the both of them, or that something's up medically and he literally can't feel love the way he used to because that machinery isn't working properly?

Go read the OP again. The breakup isn't necessarily the cause, it can also be regarded as the first symptom. He'd just finished finals and was looking down the barrel of a year-long thesis. Things went downhill from there, yes, but that doesn't mean they weren't going downhill before and he hadn't noticed yet. There's a lot in the OP that strongly reminds me of a place I've been to. I've been recommending the path that got me out of there.

If it is depression, this isn't some kind of personal failing on his part. If he went to a party and unknowingly drank spiked punch, he might end up doing all kinds of unfortunate things, even though he's doing the best he can with the situation. The majority of the blame would go to the person who spiked the punch.

However, in this case, his brain might be spiking itself, and he can't will himself out of that any more than he could will himself out of having a stroke. Him exiting the relationship was a fairly reasonable move, if his emotional processes are impaired he's navigating the relationship like a man driving blind. Once he recognizes the destruction he's causing, he stops driving to spare other people the pain he knows he's causing. However in this instance, he knows something's wrong (see: thread title) but hasn't figured out that he's "blind" yet, because that's the nature of these kinds of illnesses.

Furthermore, even if it was the relationship that triggered the rest of the issues, that still doesn't mean that he's not now suffering from severe depression. Either way he still needs to get checked out. It's highly likely that some form of medication will at least get him back on the road to feeling better and restore a bit of the color that has drained from his life over the past few months.

Yes, it's entirely possible that the situation is a rare beaked plumed web footed flying water squirrel. However, it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, so we check for duckness first before worrying about more exotic solutions.

Until three months ago I was engaged with a wonderful girl, and everything seemed to work fine: she was smart, pretty, we liked the same things, and even under the sexual point of view we were perfectly matched. Sure, we had our discussions, we argued, often about small thing, but then we always made peace and our love was strong.

My life began going south after I finished my exams, before I began my thesis.

The following weeks were an absolute nightmare, as you can easily (or not so easily) understand, both for me and for her. I broke her heart, and I've broken mine, and the worst thing is that I feel completely empty.

But I don't care. There's nothing I care for, these days. I would just rest. It's since last september that I've been running against time, trying to finally take this degree before my 30s (and I failed): I am mentally tired, yet I know that I cannot rest, and I know that I'm just whining, but I've realized that I don't care about anything. I've thought about death quite a lot in these days.

She wants answers, I don't have any. I am scared as hell.

I am not living, I am being lived. I'm tired, yet I cannot rest.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Have you ever had the impression of being an NPC? Nothing you do, nothing you say matters anyhow.

I love to solve other people's problems, I'm dependable, I'm the one who gets called if there are problems, I'm good with computers, many colleagues called me when they had problems in physics, if there was something they didn't understand. I'm not a genius, but I am decent (heck, I won a scholarship). But I feel a complete mess. I feel inferior to everybody. I feel completely isolated. And I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

Look, if this isn't at least partially depression or one of its cousins, I'll go out and buy a hat so I can eat it. I've been to that place. It needs to be evaluated by a licensed professional to be sure, but it's hauntingly familiar.

One day I finally got sick of feeling miserable and tired and hopeless all the time, so I went and got a reference to a local psychiatrist from my school. Over the next couple semesters as I got treated I went from barely scraping by to pulling a 4.0 in my last two semesters and working nearly full time the last semester. And I kept my previously disintegrating marriage intact. It's amazing the recoveries you can pull off when your brain is working properly.

But, first, I had to go get treated. And it was very, very difficult to take that first step. And if I had asked anyone for help earlier, I would have wanted them rattling the windows and banging on the walls shouting for me to go seek treatment so I could go back to being a capable, intelligent person with emotions instead of walking around a miserable, depressed shell of a person wondering why I couldn't manage to do things that should have been easy for me and beating myself up for my percieved weaknesses and personal failings. It turns out it wasn't really me back there, my brain chemistry was spiking the punch and I was doing the best I could with what was left.

[Crow]

Disclaimer> Only read the OP. Didn't read the thread.

Sounds like depression. Also sounds like you probably had it for quite a while before all of this and were suppressing it or possibly in denial. Ask for some professional help, if for no other reason than to rule it out. It can be a serious sickness.

I've been in OP's shoes before, and I'll join in on Ice Wraith's hat casserole if it isn't some sort of depression.

[Lentrax]

You would have wanted to argue that with me?

That during my years in academia (theoretical physics at the grad level) I've seen cases of burnouts, sure, but PTSD, nope... is something you want to challenge?

Cicciograna doesn't have PTSD, he actually might not even be clinically depressed. Re-reading the OP, it's best summed up by:



... in spite of the fact that she's, on paper, a super nice person, and that she does care about him. (Even though it's not reciprocal any more.)

Every single thing that's "going wrong" can be traced to the (understandable) guilt caused by that breakup.

Yes. I would argue it. Of course he doesn't have the same problems I do. I never implied he did. But he does have a problem, and it is significant enough that he has reached out for help. And every single problem has the same first steps for treatment.

1. Realize the problem is significant.
2. Seek professional advice and assistance.

And I have seen burnouts as well. I've seen people push themselves so hard they collapse into puddles. I have been there myself.

Never once will I say that my 'way' is the right one for anyone. It may not even be right for me. Everyone's path is different, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't seek the professional help I and others have advised.

[Asta Kask]

For the very long term, yes, ideally you can get to a place where you don't need medication. However, you need to get through the short term before you can even think about the middle and long term, and you need to get to a doctor before medication is an option.

And you may never reach the place of no medication (well, until you die). The world is not an ideal place.

[Killer Angel]

The chorus of "OMG!!! You must immediately run to the closest doctor's office so you can get a cocktail of antidepressants prescribed to you this minute" comments bugs me a bit.

Do you know what bugs me a bit? That 'til now there was only a couple of posts, mentioning antidepressants or pills. Which is not what i would define a "chorus".
An advice to seek professional, psychological help, is a very different thing.

[Icewraith]

Do you know what bugs me a bit? That 'til now there was only a couple of posts, mentioning antidepressants or pills. Which is not what i would define a "chorus".
An advice to seek professional, psychological help, is a very different thing.

If the guy were missing a limb, no one would be telling him to not go to a medical doctor and see if he's a candidate for a prosthesis. The thing about mental machinery is that when it goes haywire it's not immediately obvious, but a person trying to live a normal life with untreated captal-D Depression is in the same boat as someone trying to play basketball without arms.

Furthermore, even if a bunch of people would rather, in the long term, not depend on a prosthesis, (to extend the metaphor) no one should be shaming people for telling him "to go get a prosthesis" when we've all been telling him to go to the doctor because he's missing a limb in the first place.

In no circumstances should anyone be suggesting any course of action that makes it less likely for the OP to go get himself evaluated. Even in situations where there might not be anything wrong medically, seeing a doctor is STILL necessary in order to rule all that stuff out.

(I quoted the last respondant in the thread, this isn't directed at him but in support of his statements.)

[lio45]

Do you know what bugs me a bit? That 'til now there was only a couple of posts, mentioning antidepressants or pills. Which is not what i would define a "chorus".
An advice to seek professional, psychological help, is a very different thing.

I haven't counted them (yet), but the number of posts so far that have been basically reading like "your symptoms really sound like an imbalance in your brain chemistry, you should see a doctor to get that diagnosed and fixed" are certainly more than only a couple. I didn't invent it.

And FYI, Icewraith, the OP has already said he'd be seeing a friend who's also a psychologist to discuss his case...

[lio45]

In no circumstances should anyone be suggesting any course of action that makes it less likely for the OP to go get himself evaluated.

Just to be sure we're all on the same page, I said already in this thread that him discussing his case with his psychologist friend was "a great start". (Something that he has already said he was going to do, so I'd say the likelihood of him ending up getting evaluated by that psych is already pretty maxed out.)


I still think that it's possible to realize you actually aren't in love with a person who likes the same things as you and that you consider good-looking and smart... without necessarily being depressed. Love is a weird ingredient, it's not rational. His reason tells him that girl is Mrs Right, his heart tells him the opposite.

I've seen that a few times, in otherwise-non-depressed people.

Again, I'm not saying it's not a case of depression, it could well be, but from what I'm reading, I wouldn't commit to eating a hat if it's not :P