need bard jokes

[Elvenoutrider]

so for my upcoming dungeon, the boss at the end will be a bard who makes fun of each of the party members. His chosen performance is comedy so I figure he will need a few jokes to throw around for his minions to laugh at. After climbing a sloped ramp covered in grease and caltrops, having bee bags and alchemist fire thrown at them under a hail of arrows, they will have to deal with him and his bandit bodyguards swinging on ropes. Some of the spells i have prepared are blindness, sleep, mad monkeys, animate rope, shatter, and suggestion.

The party is made up of:

1) a "Snakeman" naga aspirant druid trying to make a kingdom safe for monsters
2) A deposed dhampir lord magus with a whip made from his brother's flayed skin
3) a chaotic evil rogue trying to secretly raise a group of brigands to power
4) a young female witch with a cackle based build, known for refusing to bathe
5) a warforged front line fighter with an erased memory who aspires to join a lawful good order
6) A heal build cleric of the god of the sun

I am making a list of one liners to give during the different phases. so far I have:

1) Ah Bastion the warforged, all the strength of a cavalry charge with none of the subtlety

2) after shattering a bow: That's the problem with archery, too many drawbacks

3)I'm not mad, I'm differently sane

4) Moron runs into a spear! What a Prick!

5)Time flies like an arrow, This flies like a (Insert projectile here)

6) Build a man a fire and hes warm for a day, set a man on fire and hes warm for the rest of his life

7)Insane? I'm a libra!

8)Let there Be Blight!!! (Throws bee bag)

9)Don't listen to him, Hes crazy!

10)Take me to your bleeder!

What I am looking for are jokes that fit the party and that is where I am struggling. I am going to try and get under the Dhampirs skin by claiming to have the same backstory but other than him and the warforged I have nothing party specific. Can any of the wittier members help me tailor this encounter or add some jokes you have used? I would appreciate it especially since I am hoping this will be a recurring enemy.

[RogueWizard]

1. You (blank) and I (blank). What’s the difference between us? I actually look good doing it!

2. I hate to dirty my hands with your blood but that’s why I wear gloves!

3. I bet you’re wondering why I don’t wear thicker armor like you. It's because I actually take pride in my physique!

4. Tell me, was it nature or nurture that left you so disfigured?

5. Your face is more painful than your sword!

[Cyrion]

For the sun god's cleric, maybe a variation on the most recent OOTS last panel. Something like- "When you get sick, do you just vomit up warm summer days?"

[Elvenoutrider]

Thanks guys this was just what I needed

[SoraWolf7]

For the "Snakeman" naga aspirant druid:
- Am I hissing you off?
- Ooo, I could use a new pair of boots. Can I use your tail?
- I think I saw you at last year's limbo contest.

The deposed dhampir lord magus:
- Is your last name Belmont? Because you look like a Belmont.
- Sing or play "When a problem comes along, you must whip it!"

The chaotic evil rogue:
- Oh look, another rogue looking for treasure!

The young female witch known for refusing to bathe:
- (After attacking her in melee) And I thought she smelled bad on the outside!
- I don't think it'll matter if you're dead or not, you already smell like a corpse.
- Do people use you as smelling-salts?

The warforged front line fighter with an erased memory:
- I think I've seen you before. Well, forget it.
- I thought you were looking for a heart, not a brain Tin Man.

The heal build cleric of the god of the sun:
- How do you feel about sunburns?
- When the clouds roll in, do you power down?

[Oddman80]

This thread is reminding me of the insult/comeback challenge from Monkey Island:

Spoiler: Ah... fond memories

Show

I: This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
C: And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?


I: Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!
C: First you better stop waiving it like a feather-duster.

I: My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!
C: So you got that job as janitor, after all.

I: People fall at my feet when they see me coming.
C: Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I: I once owned a dog that was smarter then you.
C: He must have taught you everything you know.

I: You make me want to puke.
C: You make me think somebody already did.

I: Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.
C: You run THAT fast?

I: You fight like a dairy farmer.
C: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

I: I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!
C: I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

I: Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
C: Why, did you want to borrow one?

I: I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.
C: Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

I: You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.
C: I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

I: You have the manners of a beggar.
C: I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

I: I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
C: Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

I: There are no words for how disgusting you are.
C: Yes there are. You just never learned them.

I: I've spoken with apes more polite then you.
C: I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

[Corvino]

To any party member with a low Int score:
"I hear you're stupidly dangerous. Or is it dangerously stupid?"

There's also got to be a few Wizard of Oz jokes you can throw around:

"I can see a witch and a tin man, which one of you is Toto?"

"You smell so bad I'm tempted to throw a bucket of water at you. But you might melt, and where's the fun in that?"

"Wicked Witch, eh? I got your flying monkeys right here" - *casts Mad Monkeys*

"Nice boots! I might drop a house on you and take 'em."