Funniest scourcebook excerpt

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What was the funniest 3.5 scourcebook excerpt you've seen? Mine has to be in HoH, where, on page 136, it teaches me the blasphemy of modern literature and ensures that the next time I see a vampire in media, the word "sociopath" will come up above his head in my mind in bright red letters.

[Lanaya]

Deju Vu is the classic one.

[Lanaya]

Deju Vu is the classic one.

[hamishspence]

I liked the Acidborn Shark description in Dungeonscape.

"The only thing better than a giant pool of acid is a giant pool of acid with a shark in it"

[Vhaidara]

Not a text excerpt, but my cousin and I still chuckle whenever we page past page 85 of the Player's Handbook.

Spoiler: Image

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If you don't get it, either you aren't old enough or you aren't thinking in the right direction.

[John Longarrow]

Deju Vu is the classic one.

I seem to remember that one...

But wasn't he one of the resistance in the movie "Top Secret"??

[FidgetySquirrel]

Not a text excerpt, but my cousin and I still chuckle whenever we page past page 85 of the Player's Handbook.

Spoiler: Image

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If you don't get it, either you aren't old enough or you aren't thinking in the right direction.

Heh, classic.

[Alleran]

I like the BoEF's description of an ooze's love life.

[Vaz]

What was the funniest 3.5 scourcebook excerpt you've seen? Mine has to be in HoH, where, on page 136, it teaches me the blasphemy of modern literature and ensures that the next time I see a vampire in media, the word "sociopath" will come up above his head in my mind in bright red letters.

I too prefer this type of Vampire than the "aristocraft" vampire (I think it's too perfectly apt as well to describe those in power as bloodsucking parasites). If you've ever read any of the Warhammer background, there is a type of Vampire known as the Strigoi who are insane - former aristocrats and forerunners to lead the vampires into power, but internal scheming forced them into the wilderness and destroyed their easy access to human blood, where they turned into scavengers. Consequently, they are pretty much hated by all of the vampire clans, but have now become immense monstrosities packed with muscle and deformed with wings and beastlike faces, leading packs of ghouls.

And bear in mind that in warhammer, not just "anyone" can become a Vampire - a Vampire can select only a certain few to become its progeny so it chooses the best and brightest of its generation.

[Telonius]

Not a sourcebook, but the article on Dead Levels always makes me chuckle:

Players always have something to look forward to with the monk, which boasts the most colorful and unique special abilities of all the character classes.

[Bakkan]

Similarly, the following quote from the Dungeon Master's Guide just makes me shake my head:

The classes of the D&D game are balanced at levels 1st through 20th, but simply continuing the power escalation of each class beyond 20th level would eventually unbalance the game system.

[Vhaidara]

To be fair, once Epic Spellcasting comes in, the vague, tortured semblance of balance that exists 1-20 gets taken into a back alley and never comes out.

[Brookshw]

Similarly, the following quote from the Dungeon Master's Guide just makes me shake my head:

Kinda reminds me of another from that book

If a spell is so good that you can't imagine a caster not wanting it all the time, it's either too powerful or too low in level

[Zweisteine]

It's not 3.5, or even a proper sourcebook, but the disclaimer on the front of the Basic Rules for 5e is great.

Disclaimer: Wizards of the Coast is not responsible for the consequences of splitting up the party, sticking appendages in the mouth of a leering green devil face, accepting a dinner invitation from bugbears, storming the feast hall of a hill giant steading, angering a dragon of any variety, or saying yes when the DM asks, “Are you really sure?”

[Socksy]

Complete Psionic tells us that when we select an Elemental Steward, it has to match the energy type used in our Privileged Energy teat. I spent a good while giggling over privileged energy boobies.

[Snowbluff]

Similarly, the following quote from the Dungeon Master's Guide just makes me shake my head:

To be fair, once Epic Spellcasting comes in, the vague, tortured semblance of balance that exists 1-20 gets taken into a back alley and never comes out.

In a similiar vein, Monk's dead levels are pretty good.

MONK

The monk is the only other core class, aside from the barbarian, that has no dead levels. Players always have something to look forward to with the monk, which boasts the most colorful and unique special abilities of all the character classes.

Also, I thoroughly enjoy Lidda...
but here's another good one.

Spoiler: YES!

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No one beats pimp!Krusk.

[Irk]

Not a text excerpt, but my cousin and I still chuckle whenever we page past page 85 of the Player's Handbook.

Spoiler: Image

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If you don't get it, either you aren't old enough or you aren't thinking in the right direction.

I have flipped past this hundreds of times and never noticed, it's hilarious, also it blew back her hair, I mean, that's pretty powerful.

EDIT: Somewhere there is an excerpt describing a situation in which a mount is more intelligent than the rider.

[Chester]

This, regarding the Pale Master in Libris Mortis

"At 6th level, a pale master gives in to terrible necrophiliac urges."

[Blackhawk748]

Arms and Equipment guides description of Thudruk "It smells and tastes like a rotting cow that caught fire" Consequently i once had a character who ONLY drank Thudruk and would complain loudly when a bar didnt have it, everyone thought he was crazy. And no, he wasnt a goblin.

[Sian]

Baffling Defense in Tome of Battle

You crouch balanced on one foot, hands held high over your head. Your foe hesitates, unsure of how to attack you in this unlikely stance.

[Starbuck_II]

Baffling Defense in Tome of Battle

To be fair, I can't personally crouch while balancing on one foot with both hands over my head. So I think they are right about this being an unlikely stance.

I mean, who can do that?

[Brookshw]

To be fair, I can't personally crouch while balancing on one foot with both hands over my head. So I think they are right about this being an unlikely stance.

I mean, who can do that?

It's actually not that hard if you have some experience with certain martial arts or yoga.

[Vhaidara]

It's actually not that hard if you have some experience with certain martial arts or yoga.

Replace "can do" in starbuck's comment with "does".

"Who does that (in combat)?"

[Zombulian]

Baffling Defense in Tome of Battle

It's actually a fairly useful technique used by fighters. Heck, even leading with your right while boxing can throw people off.

[ArqArturo]

This, regarding the Pale Master in Libris Mortis

"At 6th level, a pale master gives in to terrible necrophiliac urges."

Well, it does ask you to be 24 hours entombed with nothing but dead/undead corpses.

[Necroticplague]

It's actually a fairly useful technique used by fighters. Heck, even leading with your right while boxing can throw people off.

The idea reminds me of a video I saw long ago. Was some kind of MA tournament. Start of the round, the dude appears to do some small version of the dance to Gangam Style. The other dude drops his guards, and looks very confused. Then he gets completely sucker-punched.

[Sith_Happens]

Baffling Defense in Tome of Battle

Wait a second... THAT'S A KARATE KID REFERENCE.

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[hamishspence]

EDIT: Somewhere there is an excerpt describing a situation in which a mount is more intelligent than the rider.

Arms & Equipment Guide:

When Your Mount Is Smarter than You
A 5th level paladin has Intelligence 5. Though she is brave and honorable, her warhorse is smarter than she is. How embarrassing. What will the other warhorses think?

[jiriku]

Deju Vu is the classic one.

Deju Vu is the classic one.

I see what you did there.

Wait a second... THAT'S A KARATE KID REFERENCE.

Heh. Someone finally got it.



The funniest thing in any D&D sourcebook is in the DMG, page 235, the rod of lordly might. Read the description aloud, keeping in mind that the the magic rod is a substitute for a fighter who (ahem) thinks his... existing weapon... is inferior. It is important to read it aloud. Every time I play with a new group I do this, and I have the entire group literally falling out of their chairs with laughter. Go ahead. I'll wait. You shouldn't miss out.

[Chaosvii7]

Here's one I just found from Unearthed Arcana.

A tainted warrior of 3rd level or higher can infuse a melee attack with the power of his taint.