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  1. - Top - End - #1
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    BlackDragon

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    Default Please contribute to the "Help INoKnowNames stop being stupid" foundation! Thanks!

    Brief warning: When I wrote this out, I kinda talked it out, so it's kinda written in my natural speak. And my natural speak is kinda like a sailor. Kids, if you don't know any dirty words, you should press the back button and go look up something cool. Like Mario Kart. Mario Kart's cool.

    It almost seems like I'm makin' on of these threads once a year. Maybe I just naturally **** up in the summer, since that's usually when my bullcrap occurs. I wonder if the years were shorter, would that still be the case: it is just summer when my decision making turns to ****, or just that certain amount of time that just happens to go along with that. I honestly don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm up in the middle of the night randomly after getting home, 'n I decide to open this up for some reason. (By the way, what the heck is the food that is spelled close to reason, by the way? I've completely forgotten how that word is spelled. Internet Cookie to whoever answers that!)

    If nothing else, then it would be because playing on this forum is, or at least was, fun as hell, and one of the best forms of escapism I've ever experienced, and even if I'm too old to let someone else handle my problems, I still enjoy being able to relax and unwind by engaging in wish-fulfillment fantasy, and this is the best place to do it. But I don't have the damn right to start even a single other game or thread unless I can at least justify where the **** I've been... God, how long -has- it been since I've been here? It feels like another year passed.

    I'm also posting this here because I've posted in this part of the forum in the past, which is probably why, whenever I do feel proper enough to remember to pray before I sleep, I've incorporated the good people of Giantitp into those I hope God watches out for. Which means you guys get to be the designated drop point for my bullcrap-how lucky are you!

    Anywho, feel free to read this next spoiler, then respond to the title in kind! Contribute to the "INoKnowNames, you're a ****-lord. Stop being such a ****-lord." foundation! Donations are payable in paddlings, slapping, and thrown fruit. Especially bananas. Bananas rock.

    Spoiler: I'd be an absolute tosser if I didn't include a mild content warning. I don't know how trigger warnings work, but maybe one seems appropriate? You tell me.
    Show
    Some back story on myself, if I never included it before. I'm not sure if I did or not in past posts, though I don't even know if those posts are even around anymore. I need to state some random **** to help you get where I'm coming from, and see where I'm going.

    In one of my earlier language arts classes, we studied a book detailing one person's perspective on the possible identity of Jack the Ripper. And the main theory from that book that I remember still was writ as such: "The difference between a regular person and a psychopath is that the psychopath lacks the inhibitions of a regular person." Everyone has temptations. Everyone has doubts. Everyone considers various possibilities. Not always on the same subjects, but we've all had a time where we've considered doing something we wouldn't normally do, and it might even be something we might personally find against our regular morals. The difference is that most normal people also have a conscience of some kind. You can usually almost hear yourself immediately object to the bad thing, and then let it go. That can be said to be how a lot of normal people work. Some people don't get that, though. Some people don't hear that voice. Or some people's voices speak out on much different issues, and stay silent on certain problems other people's voices would speak out on. Which is why some people can go shoot up places, or go stab people, or go murder indiscriminately with no rhyme or reason. No one, not even themselves, can fully communicate enough to them that what they're doing is wrong.

    Now, I know that this sure as hell doesn't apply a lot to the real world. This is just a set of theories that we discussed during that one book during one semester in college. Don't think I'm trying to make this as an iron clad law or rule or ****; it's just a theory you should hear about now if you want to keep reading: That the difference between a normal person and a psychopathic person is that the psychopath lacks that voice telling them don't do terrible ****. I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression. Yes, those sound like pretty bitchy things to suffer from, and everyone in the modern day probably suffers from it to an extent, so I shouldn't complain, as if my situation is worse than anyone else's. People right here probably suffer worse; That's part of the "help Inkin' stop being such a bitch". (Proper thread title, but I decided to at least censor that to maintain the feel of hint of air of sophistication).

    The doctors are pretty sure they're also linked to my ADHD, though whether or not I'm actually "suffering" from that depends on the situation. If I'm being the life of the party, being random and keeping things from getting stale: probably a net bonus over all.

    Being so unable to focus my mind in school to the point of failing 2 final exams on the same day, and actually failing 2 of my college classes? Probably a net negative.

    Being so mentally disturbed as to attempt to choke my own mother to death? Definite net negative.

    I've had times where I stop seeing in the here and now, and literally feel like I'm on drugs for what I'm looking at, my mind ****s up so bad. I say depression, but at it's worse, it comes out as anger. Anger at myself, anger at the world, and anger at others around me. It started surfacing when I was being picked on in middle-school. I'm a half-breed in one of the still racist parts of georgia: the black people think I'm not negro enough, and the white poeple think I'm a ******. For a lot of my life, I just plain didn't fit in, so that may have added to the **** in my head. Though since I'm an adult now, I really have no excuse but simply being ****ed up now, really; everyone else has grown up and sucked it in, so why the hell haven't I yet.

    Anywho, my depression can get mildly bad, even without an active stimulus. Like, as mentioned before, lash-out-to-the-point-of-trying-to-kill-a-family-member-in-a-blind-rage bad. In the case of the Jack the Ripper study, I feel like my depression occasionally turns down the volume of the inner voice that says "Turn in that 20 dollars you found; it doesn't belong to you." as well as "That's not food. That's your skin. You cut food. You do not cut skin. Put the knife down. 'Pain is weakness leaving the body' is the excuse you make to work out, not a life cheat code. That will not work. Stop it. Stop it now." and "WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOINGTHATSYOURMOTHERLETGOLETGOLE TGOSTOPIT!".

    My absence, then, should be mildly explainable with the following news on my life:

    As mentioned earlier, I choked on 2 of my final exams, and rather than pass them with as like I thought, I failed them, and ended up failing my classes. I have to retake them, and pay upwards 1500 to keep going on material I already more or less knew, since making one set of mistakes invalidates several semesters of As and Bs, apparently. That ****ing sucks. Still alright, just depressed a bit.

    I visit my best friend, who helps console me. I make the horrible ****ing mistake of falling asleep at her place with her, after we both stay up watching ****. I'm unable to explain that I didn't do -anything- with her, and that we literally just passed out in her bed with her, watching Ponies and playing Mario Kart. A bit of context for this: She's white. And I'm dark enough to count (or so I've been told). And her dad hates me pretty badly. Net result is that I'm forbidden from seeing her (and since he has a gun collection, I sure as hell ain't gonna ****ing argue with him). This hurts a bit more, but I'm still hanging in there. Blacked out a few times being a baby about it, but still normal enough to function.

    I later receive news. I recently visited out of state family that I'd never seen before because I'm an adopted bastard (in the illegitimate son) sense. Everyone in my new family loved meeting me, and I loved meeting them. So hearing that one of my grandmothers is dead is pretty ****ing shocking news. Also hearing that my birth great grand mother has been hospitalized due to phnemonia, and my birth mother due to heart problems literally starts tearing me up inside; that probably didn't help matters. At this point, I'm lucky to wake up and call myself functional. It became almost a waking thought that they shouldn't have ever met me.

    Then there's my job. And the district managers being stupid. I hate how rules are made by people who don't have to follow them and aren't inconvenienced by them. But if I don't follow them to the letter, or god forbid make a mistake doing something different one day that I've been trained for 4 years to do a normal, better way, my head's on the chopping block. This actively sets off a panic attack in me. Bad enough that on my way home from work, I'm driving in the incoming car lane. As in, cars are going up, but I'm going down, facing the lights. Thank god I did come back to my senses, and get back into my own lane, so that no one has to ****ing die, but I also end up going off road, knicking part of a tree, basically totalling my car, and hospitalizing myself. That I still even have my license is nothing short of a miracle.

    Unfortunately, this was the last straw on my psyche. I god damn almost killed someone because I could barely keep control of myself. This was about the point where, in one of my broken moods, I attempt to **** on every single blessing I've been granted in my life, and tell everyone who has ever thought positively of me to **** themselves, by damn near overdosing on the **** in the med cabnet, and then starting to take the kitchen knife to myself. Seriously, whoever the hell said that suicide is the coward's way out? **** you; that **** is terrifying, both once you realize the **** you're doing, before, and after. Holy ****, anyone who does feel that terrible, to put everything aside and end it, I don't know what the **** they are, but coward is the last thing I'd use to describe them. To get into a ****ing stairing contest with death, and not blink. Holy ****.

    (Also, don't do that. Dying is terrible. Especially if you're young; that's a permanent solution to what is most likely a temporary problem. Legitimately, I wish for anyone who does try to do so to get even more scared than I did, so that you can't go through with it. I hope you life isn't ****ed up enough for that to be thought of as an option, and I'm sorry for you if it is. Truly, sincerely sorry. May you please be blessed.)

    But yeah, at this point, I'm pretty much the designated crazy person in the family. Amidst vacations, birthdays, my own including, and even my sister having a beautiful baby boy, I'm ****ing freaking out and trying to kill myself my mind snapped so ****ing hard. I feel like I couldn't talk to the rest of my friends about any of this, work felt unbearable for a time, school looked impossible, any savings I'd been acrruing just got shot in the balls, and I'd still been fighting off the urges to just stop everything and die. Damn me and damn it all. People dealing with all sorts of injustices, getting beaten, and raped, and murdered, and I'm sitting in the corner in a comfortable home, just because my mind's not wired right and a few not good things happened, and I want to end the life I'm lucky to have in the first place.

    I've actually since been on the other side of the country, away from everything in my life. My birth mother was only in the hospital for a bit, and mom obviously wouldn't let her go without knowing what's going on. A concensus was reached that I need to stop trying to deal with this **** until I got better, and at least take a short term break from everything that I knew. So after I recovered from my injuries, that family went out and came and got me this time, and so I've been trying to just stop being so ****ed up. Breath in new air, and calm my tits.

    My mom helped explain it to the job that I needed the time off, and had the doctors make sure the job can shut the hell up about it. Best friend still texts me; we'll figure **** out later, but she has visited me a couple of times. I'm set to take on school again in a few months, and I'll be getting tutoring as well. Mom's okay, and gg should be alright, too, actually, though gg's still getting help. We found a used car; even if I'm tight on cash, at least I've got wheels at all. And lastly, I'm making sure to get even more help trying to keep dealing with this **** inside.


    So yeah... Hi I'm Ino, and I'm not wired right! Throw something at me; maybe percussive maintenance will do me real good! But seriously, I wonder what you guys might say to me today.

    Edit: Huh. The censors caught most of those, actually... I guess it just looks like I like Stars a lot... STAAAAARS. Heh. Nemesis.
    Last edited by INoKnowNames; 2014-07-20 at 02:47 AM.
    You can call me anything. I've been called Inkin, Nono, INo, Names, and NoKnow so far.

    As of 7/20, I've gotten help in trying to get past a physical addiction that's been eating at my time, and finished recovering from a spot of trouble that ended up eeking into Self-Harm. I'm doing better now; here's hoping it lasts a bit longer...

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Please contribute to the "Help INoKnowNames stop being stupid" foundation! Thanks

    *tosses kitten at*

    Head over to the PWA thread, that's what we're there for.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

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    Raisins are just dried grapes.
    Spoiler: Vanity quotes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strigon View Post
    Wow.
    That took a very sudden turn for the dark.

    I salute you.
    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    I wish it was possible to upvote here.

    I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.

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    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: Please contribute to the "Help INoKnowNames stop being stupid" foundation! Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by enderlord99 View Post
    Raisins are just dried grapes.
    Well dayamn. I actually already figured it out, or else I'd give you a cookie. Though I kinda still feel like thou art owed a munchie.

    Spoiler: Compromise?
    Show


    Also, just to give this the response it first warranted:

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    *tosses kitten at*

    Head over to the PWA thread, that's what we're there for.
    GAH! CUTENESS TO LOWER MY GUARD, AND CLAWS TO DEAL DAMAGE! I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS, THOUGH I DO GO "d'aww..."!
    Last edited by INoKnowNames; 2014-07-20 at 10:33 PM.
    You can call me anything. I've been called Inkin, Nono, INo, Names, and NoKnow so far.

    As of 7/20, I've gotten help in trying to get past a physical addiction that's been eating at my time, and finished recovering from a spot of trouble that ended up eeking into Self-Harm. I'm doing better now; here's hoping it lasts a bit longer...

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    Inkin! Wondered where ya been, buddy! Sorry things took a nose sdive on you

    Small consolation but know that you are regarded fondly by Internet unicorns.

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    BlackDragon

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    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    Inkin! Wondered where ya been, buddy! Sorry things took a nose sdive on you

    Small consolation but know that you are regarded fondly by Internet unicorns.
    I's been recognized by more friends than I thought I would have. 15-Love!

    I've actually been meaning to pay them a visit, but I was told that I should avoid spoilers for the latest season. I haven't had a chance to watch it yet, though.
    You can call me anything. I've been called Inkin, Nono, INo, Names, and NoKnow so far.

    As of 7/20, I've gotten help in trying to get past a physical addiction that's been eating at my time, and finished recovering from a spot of trouble that ended up eeking into Self-Harm. I'm doing better now; here's hoping it lasts a bit longer...

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    Ogre in the Playground
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    Inex, holy carp dude! I'm so sorry for all the the things that happened to you, and I hope things are going better for you.

    Just proofread my post, and in honor of the typo I submit this.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Last edited by Vixsor Lumin; 2014-07-21 at 02:13 AM.
    Going out of town, of you don't hear from me by 11/20 send me a poke

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    Hmm. Yes, if you show back up you may want to drop a very bold "please don't spoiler me, bro" and hope for the best.

    I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I'm sorry words on a forum sound so quaint. I'm sorry I cannot really help you. I hope you develop strength from this. I hope you know that you are loved, and that love has value.

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    BlackDragon

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vixsor Lumin View Post
    Inex, holy carp dude! I'm so sorry for all the the things that happened to you, and I hope things are going better for you.
    Well, no one else is actually dead or anything, and my adoptive family are going to have me visit one more time before school starts, just to make sure my head is as empty as possible before school starts. So I count things as on the up and up! Once you hit the bottom of the barrel, there really isn't too much more you can do but go up, right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Vixsor Lumin View Post
    Just proofread my post, and in honor of the typo I submit this.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Ha! Giant Space Pope Fish! Nice.

    .... how did I not get that as Holy Carp immediately? I really am stupid. Heh, Holy Carp. It's funny 'cuz it sounds like Holy Crap.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    Hmm. Yes, if you show back up you may want to drop a very bold "please don't spoiler me, bro" and hope for the best.
    Nah, I ain't gonna make them change what they do just 'cuz my fat ass showed up again. I just need to watch the rest of season 4 sometime. The best friend I mentioned up there still visits, regardless of how her dad feels about me (I wouldn't have the stones to lie to my dad, even though he -doesn't- have a gun. ), so I'll probably get it finished sooner or later. Which is good, because I want them to explain something to me that I was kinda butthurt about before I went suicidal.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    I'm sorry things are so bad right now. I'm sorry words on a forum sound so quaint. I'm sorry I cannot really help you. I hope you develop strength from this. I hope you know that you are loved, and that love has value.
    You and I both know that even just pretty words are capable of doing a lot for the soul. I mean, after all...
    You can call me anything. I've been called Inkin, Nono, INo, Names, and NoKnow so far.

    As of 7/20, I've gotten help in trying to get past a physical addiction that's been eating at my time, and finished recovering from a spot of trouble that ended up eeking into Self-Harm. I'm doing better now; here's hoping it lasts a bit longer...

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    Imp

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    Are you under the care of any sort of medical doctor at this time?

    I have ADHD and depression. (The right) medication helps. It won't necessarily fix everything, but with the depression treated the anger's much more manageable and I can settle down enough to get stuff done BY the last minute instead of starting AT the last minute.

    If you can't see a doctor, in the meantime, exercise (real, regular, exercise) helps quite a bit as does staying away from alcohol or any (nonprescribed) mind-altering chemicals. Whatever defenses you have against the anger, alcohol will usually take them down a peg or two.

    You've been through some heavy stuff, so if you can get therapy, do it. It won't necessarily fix everything, but again it will probably help. Some places will give you a significant discount if you're in need (I don't know how you feel about religion, but it can be helpful in a number of ways, most relevantly in that religious organizations are more likely to give you a break on a therapist if you can show financial need). You also might have health insurance as a student or might be able to get some therapy through your school.

    Also, your information on psychopathy is wrong. Psychopaths don't care about other people, and you're concerned with the impact your actions have on other people. Not listening to your brain when it's screaming at you to stop doing something or start studying for the test isn't being psychopathic, it's being impulsive and at least in my case, gets better with meds to the point I'm able to go about many activities disguised as a regular person. It's also worse when I'm alone and don't have anything scheduled. Psychopaths, to my understanding, don't have the voice there in the first place.

    Anyways, "get help" can sound trite, but it also works very well quite often. I find it's vastly preferable to walking down the street, flashing back to some horrible thing that happened when I was ten, snapping out of it and realizing I walked into eye contact with some random passerby and now they think I'm crazy. FYI, even with the meds, continuous or very sharp pain can be a bit of a problem when it comes to not hulking out, but so far I haven't damaged anything in YEARS (religion and breathing practices can also help here in different ways). Also I'm still late for a lot of things. But not as late.

    Once I got help, I went from nearly bombing out of grad school to pulling a 4.0 my last two semesters. You've been handed the Sopwith Camel of brains. It's inherently unstable and quite often deadly if it gets out of control (especially since nobody really tells you how to fly it so you have to figure everything out as best you can), but once the pilot learns how to handle it and compensate for its quirks, and if the plane is well maintained, you can blow most other planes out of the air.

    (If you're not a WW1 aviation fan, your brain rocks as long as you take care of it and learn to deal with its built-in shortcomings instead of trying to willpower your way through them.)
    This signature is no longer incredibly out of date, but it is still irrelevant.

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    Yeah. It's like any other tool, you need to take care of it. We get too much media that shows that you can power through things as a sign of strength, but that's ridiculous. Like, dragon ball z. The "strong" characters are the ones who have the power to get hit in the jaw and not get phased. But really, the actual skillful martial artist is the one who doesn't get hit because that's stupid.

    I have learned – I am learning – that a lot of basic socialization is self destructive. We are taught to show our integrity by being tested. But the expression of that is, quite literally, retarded. In the sense of delaying or holding back progress; literally turning away advancement and repelling growth. You don't take a tool, abuse it and then use it breaking as proof that you had a bad tool to start with! So why do we take people, put them into stressful, hurtful and painful situations and use their eventual degradation as proof they were inferior to start with?

    Because it's true, but not for the reasons we all believe.

    No one is immune to causation. Abrasion causes stuff to erode. Filing away the surface of a thig reduces it. That's plainly obvious. The healthy, emotionally mature skillset that we are ne'er taught is the ability to recognize "wow, this is going to be bad. I choose not to put myself into a bad situation" and walk away. I learned this, eventually, trough martial arts and the Too Many Ninjas problem. You have people who start learning martial arts and start to feel like bad-asses, and they get told "self defense" and they start looking for an excuse to use what they know. They try to rules-lawyer things. I'm sure you've heard the conversation before, right?

    "so when can I use my skills?"
    When you're at the very end of the road and have no choice.
    "okay, so if I'm walking down a dark alley and I see a guy walking towards me, then?"
    No, then you keep an eye on the guy and avoid him. Make sure he knows you're looking at him. Don't get close.
    "well what if he surprises me? Like out of the shadows?"
    Then run away, maybe jump back if you have to.
    "well, what if he has a friend, who blocks off the alley? And demands my money?"
    Then give him your wallet, and look for a way out.
    "well, what if..."

    And the end result is always the same. Yes, if you are for some reason walking down an alleyway with your head down and your earphones on full blast when you're surprised by two size ninjas with Uzis who surround you and begin to manhandle you and cutting off any and all escape route, then you can defend yourself with violence. But you've already failed. Why are you walking down an alley? Why are you walking around at night? Why aren't you paying attention? Why aren't you being aware of your surroundings? Why are you actively endangering yourself just to justify doing to someone else the same thing in teaching you to defend against? Why don't you run at the first sign of danger?

    Being angry is like that. I know that I can do terrible things when angry. And now, I know after too many years, that there is no magic "you're not angry anymore" button. Everything I've been told about fixing it is wrong. It doesn't get easier or go away; you get better. That's not 100% true; it does get easier, there is medication, there is help when you feel you can't deal with it whether that help is curative or preventative. But the idea that I should learn, before I get angry, how to handle it and maintain it, was a powerful one.

  12. - Top - End - #12
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    BlackDragon

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    Quote Originally Posted by Icewraith View Post
    Are you under the care of any sort of medical doctor at this time?

    I have ADHD and depression. (The right) medication helps. It won't necessarily fix everything, but with the depression treated the anger's much more manageable and I can settle down enough to get stuff done BY the last minute instead of starting AT the last minute.

    If you can't see a doctor, in the meantime, exercise (real, regular, exercise) helps quite a bit as does staying away from alcohol or any (nonprescribed) mind-altering chemicals. Whatever defenses you have against the anger, alcohol will usually take them down a peg or two.

    You've been through some heavy stuff, so if you can get therapy, do it. It won't necessarily fix everything, but again it will probably help. Some places will give you a significant discount if you're in need (I don't know how you feel about religion, but it can be helpful in a number of ways, most relevantly in that religious organizations are more likely to give you a break on a therapist if you can show financial need). You also might have health insurance as a student or might be able to get some therapy through your school.

    Also, your information on psychopathy is wrong. Psychopaths don't care about other people, and you're concerned with the impact your actions have on other people. Not listening to your brain when it's screaming at you to stop doing something or start studying for the test isn't being psychopathic, it's being impulsive and at least in my case, gets better with meds to the point I'm able to go about many activities disguised as a regular person. It's also worse when I'm alone and don't have anything scheduled. Psychopaths, to my understanding, don't have the voice there in the first place.

    Anyways, "get help" can sound trite, but it also works very well quite often. I find it's vastly preferable to walking down the street, flashing back to some horrible thing that happened when I was ten, snapping out of it and realizing I walked into eye contact with some random passerby and now they think I'm crazy. FYI, even with the meds, continuous or very sharp pain can be a bit of a problem when it comes to not hulking out, but so far I haven't damaged anything in YEARS (religion and breathing practices can also help here in different ways). Also I'm still late for a lot of things. But not as late.

    Once I got help, I went from nearly bombing out of grad school to pulling a 4.0 my last two semesters. You've been handed the Sopwith Camel of brains. It's inherently unstable and quite often deadly if it gets out of control (especially since nobody really tells you how to fly it so you have to figure everything out as best you can), but once the pilot learns how to handle it and compensate for its quirks, and if the plane is well maintained, you can blow most other planes out of the air.

    (If you're not a WW1 aviation fan, your brain rocks as long as you take care of it and learn to deal with its built-in shortcomings instead of trying to willpower your way through them.)
    Indeed I am, more so now than ever. And I'm trying to genuinely take all the advice and directions given this time, rather than try to go on what the mindset of the moment things when it comes to the exercises or medicine. If I'm feeling fine, I can keep doing what I'm suposed to be doing; nothing wrong with sticking to a schedule. And if I'm supposed to be taking stuff daily, it's easier to do it now than do it in the future, right?

    I've been getting a lot of different help trying to take care of myself proper; I really am. Except for when I do get laid out by an accident or injury, I've been trying to lose weight. During a different episode a few years ago that first had me contemplate suicide (In a nightmare, I actually saw what felt like a vision of the future deaths of my family, and lost the will to live while utop my future wife's gravestone), I actually walked to the nearest church, started praying for help, and was accepted by them, despite being of a different religion. I've only had alcohol once on my 21st birthday with family, and will never drink again (baring something like a wedding or other big celebration, and only a sip; I am always the designated driver) specifically because I know how bad I can get if something happens normally; I'd hate to see what might happen if something happened while I was innebriated.

    I feel like this is the problem, actually. I can't even recall if anything bad happened before the sudden ****storm occured. When things are on the up and up, they tend to stay on the up and up. Everything fels like it's working out. Then sometimes, with or without notice, reason, or justification, everything loses what color it has, and being around anyone at all feels like hell, yet being alone makes me miserable, and then it seems like my mind is actively conspiring to drive me to my breaking point, if not past it. I actively carry emergency medication for in those times; the plan is if I need to, I can find somewhere to sedate myself, and sleep it off if I have to, or at least calm down with a half dose if that's not an option, like at work. My moods have yet to actually persist once I lose conciousness.

    Dear lord, I don't even remember what book it was that I'd been using for the Psychopath angle talk. It doesn't help that that specific class was over 4 years ago at this point. I wasn't trying to claim that I am a psycopath, just that I have my moments where I laps into psychopathy. Normally, I'm a pansy, pretty much. Unless actively provoked, I barely have the balls to hurt a bug (except spiders. **** spiders.). Even when made mad, Inkin hulking out isn't bad. Well, okay, getting angry with enough enough to be able to respond in a physical altercation is bad, yes. But not as bad when a "mood" occurs. Inkin enjoys and cherishes most life, normally. And even when pissed, he may fight back, but he genuinely wouldn't kill someone or do anything truly irreversable. In a "mood", well... nothing stays sacred. (Minor nitpick; the theory you seem to display about what is Psychopathy, I'm honestly not seeing a difference in that and in what I said. Not sure where you're saying I'm wrong, when it looks like we're saying the same thing. Maybe I said my stuff wrong or am just stupid.)

    I honestly freaking hate it when that happens. Seriously, the worst. I'm going to get tutoring when I do go back, and the teachers are going to be informed that I may need additional services should an issue arrise. I'd only wished we caught that I was having these kinds of problems back in high school, since that's when it started actually affecting my education. And while I'm not a WW1 Aviation fan, I did get the image.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    Yeah. It's like any other tool, you need to take care of it. We get too much media that shows that you can power through things as a sign of strength, but that's ridiculous. Like, dragon ball z. The "strong" characters are the ones who have the power to get hit in the jaw and not get phased. But really, the actual skillful martial artist is the one who doesn't get hit because that's stupid.

    I have learned – I am learning – that a lot of basic socialization is self destructive. We are taught to show our integrity by being tested. But the expression of that is, quite literally, retarded. In the sense of delaying or holding back progress; literally turning away advancement and repelling growth. You don't take a tool, abuse it and then use it breaking as proof that you had a bad tool to start with! So why do we take people, put them into stressful, hurtful and painful situations and use their eventual degradation as proof they were inferior to start with?

    Because it's true, but not for the reasons we all believe.

    No one is immune to causation. Abrasion causes stuff to erode. Filing away the surface of a thig reduces it. That's plainly obvious. The healthy, emotionally mature skillset that we are ne'er taught is the ability to recognize "wow, this is going to be bad. I choose not to put myself into a bad situation" and walk away. I learned this, eventually, trough martial arts and the Too Many Ninjas problem. You have people who start learning martial arts and start to feel like bad-asses, and they get told "self defense" and they start looking for an excuse to use what they know. They try to rules-lawyer things. I'm sure you've heard the conversation before, right?

    "so when can I use my skills?"
    When you're at the very end of the road and have no choice.
    "okay, so if I'm walking down a dark alley and I see a guy walking towards me, then?"
    No, then you keep an eye on the guy and avoid him. Make sure he knows you're looking at him. Don't get close.
    "well what if he surprises me? Like out of the shadows?"
    Then run away, maybe jump back if you have to.
    "well, what if he has a friend, who blocks off the alley? And demands my money?"
    Then give him your wallet, and look for a way out.
    "well, what if..."

    And the end result is always the same. Yes, if you are for some reason walking down an alleyway with your head down and your earphones on full blast when you're surprised by two size ninjas with Uzis who surround you and begin to manhandle you and cutting off any and all escape route, then you can defend yourself with violence. But you've already failed. Why are you walking down an alley? Why are you walking around at night? Why aren't you paying attention? Why aren't you being aware of your surroundings? Why are you actively endangering yourself just to justify doing to someone else the same thing in teaching you to defend against? Why don't you run at the first sign of danger?

    Being angry is like that. I know that I can do terrible things when angry. And now, I know after too many years, that there is no magic "you're not angry anymore" button. Everything I've been told about fixing it is wrong. It doesn't get easier or go away; you get better. That's not 100% true; it does get easier, there is medication, there is help when you feel you can't deal with it whether that help is curative or preventative. But the idea that I should learn, before I get angry, how to handle it and maintain it, was a powerful one.
    .... I was going to begin with talking about several different lessons I've genuinely learned from Dragon Ball Z that go a bit beyond "strength is powering through being punched in the face". There actually are quite a few lessons there beyond yelling and explosions that help me even to this day.

    But considering how much food for thought the rest of your words provide for me for several different subjects, some of them not even for myself directly but about other problems around me, I should just focus on the point. And for the most part, all I can really say to this is that I'm not sure I've ever had that phrased to me before like that.... I'll need to chew on this for a bit.

    Thank you. Thank you very much.
    You can call me anything. I've been called Inkin, Nono, INo, Names, and NoKnow so far.

    As of 7/20, I've gotten help in trying to get past a physical addiction that's been eating at my time, and finished recovering from a spot of trouble that ended up eeking into Self-Harm. I'm doing better now; here's hoping it lasts a bit longer...

  13. - Top - End - #13
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Feb 2010

    Default Re: Please contribute to the "Help INoKnowNames stop being stupid" foundation! Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by INoKnowNames View Post
    I feel like this is the problem, actually. I can't even recall if anything bad happened before the sudden ****storm occured. When things are on the up and up, they tend to stay on the up and up. Everything fels like it's working out. Then sometimes, with or without notice, reason, or justification, everything loses what color it has, and being around anyone at all feels like hell, yet being alone makes me miserable, and then it seems like my mind is actively conspiring to drive me to my breaking point, if not past it. I actively carry emergency medication for in those times; the plan is if I need to, I can find somewhere to sedate myself, and sleep it off if I have to, or at least calm down with a half dose if that's not an option, like at work. My moods have yet to actually persist once I lose conciousness.
    Depression doesn't need to have a cause, or an obvious cause- it can just HAPPEN. Not a medical doctor, but has any sort of bipolar-ness been ruled out, to be on the safe side? Good to know you're in a doctor's care and avoiding alcohol.
    Dear lord, I don't even remember what book it was that I'd been using for the Psychopath angle talk. It doesn't help that that specific class was over 4 years ago at this point. I wasn't trying to claim that I am a psycopath, just that I have my moments where I laps into psychopathy. Normally, I'm a pansy, pretty much. Unless actively provoked, I barely have the balls to hurt a bug (except spiders. **** spiders.). Even when made mad, Inkin hulking out isn't bad. Well, okay, getting angry with enough enough to be able to respond in a physical altercation is bad, yes. But not as bad when a "mood" occurs. Inkin enjoys and cherishes most life, normally. And even when pissed, he may fight back, but he genuinely wouldn't kill someone or do anything truly irreversable. In a "mood", well... nothing stays sacred. (Minor nitpick; the theory you seem to display about what is Psychopathy, I'm honestly not seeing a difference in that and in what I said. Not sure where you're saying I'm wrong, when it looks like we're saying the same thing. Maybe I said my stuff wrong or am just stupid.)

    I honestly freaking hate it when that happens. Seriously, the worst. I'm going to get tutoring when I do go back, and the teachers are going to be informed that I may need additional services should an issue arrise. I'd only wished we caught that I was having these kinds of problems back in high school, since that's when it started actually affecting my education. And while I'm not a WW1 Aviation fan, I did get the image.


    Not listening to your inner voice on occasion is very, very different from not having one AT ALL. If you impulsively do something that hurts someone, and you honsestly feel sorry or guilty for inflicting pain on others, you still have an empathic response. A full blown psychopath, to my understanding, doesn't have that empathic response in the first place-he doesn't really comprehend that other people feel the same pain he does when they're injured, so he doesn't really differentiate between smashing a vase and smashing a person. Psychopathy has a bunch of factors, including increased impulsivity, so it does have at least one leg in the boat with ADHD. Worrying about the effects of your actions on others is a pretty good sign that your empathic responses are still working to some extent, and so no matter where you are on the scale (everyone's a little bit [insert personality disorder here]) you're probably not a full-blown psychopath. If you're really worried about that you can get tested for it.

    Also regarding educational assistance, in many cases you'll mainly be given more time to take tests. I don't know about you, but I've never had an issue taking a test in the allotted amount of time if I had managed to properly prepare for it. If taking the test is the only thing you have to do it's fairly easy to focus on it, but if you're not prepared for the test in the first place extra time may not be that big a help. For me, the real struggle was always getting the preperatory work done and in on time in cases where it needed to be turned in, and studying for the test earlier than a couple hours than before I was going to have to take it. That's where the real disadvantage of ADHD is- right up untill the day or even the hour before the test your brain is going to find just about anything other than studying more interesting to work on.

    Now, if you don't have test taking skills (most of which reduce to "pick the low-hanging fruit first on a test with a lot of questions", or "in a test with a few weighted questions and partial credit make sure you give some time to all questions and spend more time on questions that are worth more, if you get stuck move on to the next question and ocme back"), a tutor can help with those. If you're having issues studying then finding other people to study with will get you a number of advantages.

    The biggest advantage is that you'll actually spend some time studying and be accountable to other people in the group, but the rather significant secondary advantage is that if you have to explain the material to other people you'll have a much better understanding of it.
    This signature is no longer incredibly out of date, but it is still irrelevant.

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