Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then

[Adrastos42]

Welcome, one and all to the seventh episode of this illustrious thread series on exactly how best to make your DM cry. As usual, we are always willing to lend a kind ear to your frustrations on things that have been banned, vetoed or just plain killed off at your table. Previous threads are listed below:

[Any] Things I may no longer do while playing.
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing V: Pun & Pun, Rules-Attorneys at Law
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VI: This Isn't A Checklist We Swear!

Note: if you're going to use numbers, please keep the numbering in order. This means:
1) don't add sub-rules to previous numbers--people will think that number is the current one
2) look to make sure that the last post isn't a sub-rule to a previous number

I suggest using asterisks, though, as the first thread did.

[Beige]

* when building a 5e character, I will not intentionally pick backgrounds and character classes that simply do not work together - no matter how funny the noble or sage barbarian, or the charlatan paladin is.
** My charlatanadin cannot then go on and sell himself as a paladin of a different god in a scam to displace that god in the current towns eyes and then return later on to convince them to worship his god
*** well he can, but he can't call converting worshipers a scam. no matter how much he wants to

[Ryu_Bonkosi]

*As a DM if my climatic battle can be described as "Army of Darkness, but campier" it is vetoed.

[spineyrequiem]

* Even if I provide a requisition request with the appropriate NATO stock number, still can't have a Challenger II
* Can't do anything I saw on Skippy's List either.
* Even if the Americans have plenty to go around, they still don't look kindly on me 'borrowing' their tanks.
* If we haven't been issued with an LMG, can't just weld a couple of fans to an assault rifle fitted with a drum mag and bipod (even if it would totally have worked to keep it cool)

* If we can't open a chest, not allowed to just pick it up and carry it with us for the rest of the dungeon crawl
** Especially not allowed to do this with multiple chests
*** Can't use Fly and the impregnable chests for an impromptu aerial bombardment.

* We don't need to check that everyone's named all their clothes before going on a dungeon crawl
** Nor do we need signed permission from our parents

[Psykenthrope]

*I may no longer make jokes about falling moons or creepy masks whenever someone says it's the start of the third day.
Edit: (Of travel, of investigating a town, etc.)

[Ksheep]

* When a player decides to play as Zoey from Left 4 Dead, complete with shotguns, in a standard fantasy setting, I shouldn't complain
** Especially when I had previously tried to play a Lolth-touched Centaur War Hulk/Hulking Hurler when said player was DM'ing

[unseenmage]

* No longer allowed to "show interest" in a fledgling PbP game to the point of killing said game.
** Regardless of how useful the info would be, no longer allowed to ask enough questions of newbie DMs to scare them away.
*** Absolutely not allowed to DM & play said games by myself just because I stubbornly refuse to let the game die.

[Adrastos42]

* I should refrain from hiring an order of elite assassins, fabled for their 100% success rate, to kill the party "to help keep us on our toes".
** No, the fact that I included myself in the kill order does not make it any better.
*** As it turns out, revealing that I appropriated party funds to hire the assassins will not get me hailed as a paragon of worthy usage of shared resources.
**** It may however cause the party to pool their remaining resources to hire more assassins to kill just me.
***** Cannot then spin this as "helping the party work together in a time of strife" and claim the whole thing was a success.

[GPuzzle]

*No longer allowed to man a cannon.
**No longer allowed to man the canon.
***No, not even then.

[Prince Raven]

*No longer allowed to man a cannon.
**No longer allowed to man the canon.
***No, not even then.

*** No longer allowed to fire the canon man out of a manned cannon

[Hyena]

* If I plan on tanking in the battle, the appropriate declaration is "I use my Draw Fire talent", not "I ENDURE, BITCH".
** "Immortality" and "murder" are not force traditions I can specialize in.
*** My character is not to be refered as Darth Tankred.

[Sith_Happens]

* If the character whose concept is "generic anime action hero" is the straight-man of the party, something has gone horribly wrong.

[Hyena]

** If a sith whose catchphrase is "Murder." is the most sane member of the party, something has gone seriously wrong.

Spoiler

Show

The other party members are bat**** insane twi'lek with affinity for explosions, nudist pilot, who wants to create life FOR SCIENCE, and a catman, who literally takes 200kg of guns and ammo everywhere he walks.

[toapat]

*Just because i can choose DnD (5th Ed) as a tool/gameset proficiency doesnt mean i should
**Even if i am a Wizard with the Hermit background
***Expecially if my revelation of the cosmos is that we live in a universe being played in DnD
****Not to preach the end of the world as a result of a natural 1
*****Not to Recurse the game into playing the game we are currently playing.
******not to narrate over the DM's narration.

Spoiler

Show

and a catman, who literally takes 200kg of guns and ammo everywhere he walks.

Hes not insane, hes just prepared

[Socksy]

* If I take ranks in Profession (Seamstress), I'd better have a needle.
** This applies doubly if the DM reads Terry Pratchett's books

[Ionbound]

***From now on, I must play Needlewomen. Not seamstresses.
****Masseuses and 'Bakers that specialize in the tuppenny upright' are right out.

[DigoDragon]

* I am no longer allowed to successfully convince the GM that his die roll was photoshopped.
** Especially when we're playing together at the table.

[PrincessCupcake]

3.5
*I better have a good reason for having any of the following: Perform, Profession (masseuse), or Craft (Poison) if I am the Paladin.

*The INT 10 Paladin better not be the only one with ranks in Knowledge Skills, Craft, or Linguistics.
**The INT 8 Were-crocodile does not count if the party size is above 2.
***If a Wizard or Bard is present, someone will be hit with a book.
****If APL is 10 and party size is 8, your first encounter is a Terrasque.

4e
*If the Fighter is making magic items and the Artificer is not, something is fundamentally wrong.

PF
*No you may not qualify for Chevalier at level 2
**Even if you meet the requirements

[FlyingScanian]

*"Two of everything in the armoury" is not a valid answer for the question "How is [your character] armed?"
**This goes double if the game is DnD and the armoury referenced is from Dark Heresy
***Or Deathwatch
****Or ANYTHING Warhammer 40k-related. You do in fact not have two earthshaker cannons.
**Put away the lightsaber.

[gom jabbarwocky]

* When witnessing a werewolf in transformation, no flash photography, please.

(Especially when the entire party is attempting to hide and this gives away your position.)

[Deremir]

*not aloud to play a summoner with a bubble edolon.
**not aloud to play a kender, their ridiculous homebrew.
***not aloud to obsessively: steal, collect, lie, or acquire power.
****not aloud to obsessively do anything.
*****not aloud to have plans to do anything.
******when the player famed for always coming up with some ridiculous and obstructive character design decides to play a strait druid the dm has the right to be suspicious.

[Anonymouswizard]

*When a player says they want to play an elf, the correct response is not "well, someone needs to die first."
**They also do not have to roll to resist the urge to steal babies.

*There is no prestige class called "GM's girlfriend"
**I am to check the GM's orientation before I attempt to qualify.

[Beige]

**They also do not have to roll to resist the urge to steal babies..

of course not, that's the faries

[Anonymouswizard]

of course not, that's the faries

At least in D&D elves have enough fairy characteristics that you can run them as sidhe instead of älfar (I think that's spelt correctly), which I tend to do.

Also:
*I am no longer allowed to argue about the qualities of the seelie and unseelie. (Specifically, if seelie are good)
*If I have to explain the myth my character is based upon, it is vetoed.
**The description cannot start "he's sort of the Irish Heracles, but not as strong, and far better with women"
*If I have invited the girl I have a crush on to the campaign I should check the cover of my hitchhiker's guide.
**If I am the GM I may ignore the advice it provides.
***The correct response is not "also invite the boy I have a crush on".

[Rater202]

*When my Character is a Scion of Iris, Greek Goddess of Rainbows, and I've got a lot of purview ranks in sky and psychopomp, as well as maxed out dex and epic dex, and I'm trying to come up with a 3-die stunt on a flying check, the Sonic Rainboom should have been my first choice, not the one an other forum poster suggested.

[DigoDragon]

* I am no longer allowed to play as a Postman.
** My job is not to deliver the mail.
*** The mail is not slang for dealing damage.
**** Damage is not a tangible thing you can mail.
***** Nor can I return it to sender in mid-attack for improper postage.
****** I am banned from watching Kevin Costner movies before playing Fallout Equestria.

[Ionbound]

*Not allowed to have an 800 HD Undead minion at level 8.
**Or...Ever, for that matter.

[Sartharina]

** If a sith whose catchphrase is "Murder." is the most sane member of the party, something has gone seriously wrong.

Spoiler

Show

The other party members are bat**** insane twi'lek with affinity for explosions, nudist pilot, who wants to create life FOR SCIENCE, and a catman, who literally takes 200kg of guns and ammo everywhere he walks.

Okay. I like your group already.

[ideasmith]

* My ranger may have favored enemy (lagomorphs).
** My ranger with favored enemy (lagomorphs) may not have rhotacism.
*** My rhotic ranger with favored enemy (lagomorphs) must have a full head of hair.
**** My bald, rhotic ranger with favored enemy (lagomorphs) may not, under any circumstances, utter the sentence “be vewwy, vewwy, quiet, I’m hunting wabbit”.
***** If I do, and the party has to deal with bugs bunny, I should expect to get blamed for it.

[calam]

All from a single pathfinder game or discussions about it. I probably missed some stuff though

Giving away other party members to an angry barbarian tribe is not "a solid negotiation tactic"
*especially if my character's a paladin
**Even if she was the one to get them angry int the first place

No matter how consensual my paladin can now only use his manacles on prisoners

Even after I glammered my armor male stripper is not an appropriate clothing choice

I can't taunt the rogue player with a list of classes better suited for his role

I can't brag to the ninja about how he spent years training for his class while my paladin gets all his abilities from an hour on his knees

I can no longer describe prayer as an hour on my knees

Other players saying geas is not a good use of a spell slot doesn't mean I take it as a challenge.