Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then

[Ryu_Bonkosi]

All from a single pathfinder game or discussions about it. I probably missed some stuff though

Giving away other party members to an angry barbarian tribe is not "a solid negotiation tactic"
*especially if my character's a paladin
**Even if she was the one to get them angry int the first place

No matter how consensual my paladin can now only use his manacles on prisoners

Even after I glammered my armor male stripper is not an appropriate clothing choice

I can't taunt the rogue player with a list of classes better suited for his role

I can't brag to the ninja about how he spent years training for his class while my paladin gets all his abilities from an hour on his knees

I can no longer describe prayer as an hour on my knees

Other players saying geas is not a good use of a spell slot doesn't mean I take it as a challenge.

I spent way too long trying to read this as a run on sentence due to the lack of punctuation.


*Not allowed to try to play Paranoia while the DM is running D&D 3.5.
**Especially when the other players aren't aware that I'm doing it either.
***Same applies for Call of Cthulhu.
****Same applies for Every one is John.
*****Especially when you are using /b/ as the voices.

[Ksheep]

* When a player insists that he get to roll a Knowledge check, I should let him do so
** Even if he doesn't have any ranks in it
*** Even if his INT modifier is negative
**** Even if his dice have been rolling poorly all night
***** When said player ends up rolling a negative on the check, the correct response is "You don't know anything". I am NOT allowed to just make up a completely fantastical tale that has nothing to do with the truth of the matter and say that this character believes in it wholeheartedly
****** Especially when said tale includes the newly met character actually being a god in physical form, and that if the player steals said characters pants that the player can gain all the powers of said god.
******* The player is allowed to make a Sense Motive check next time I do this
******** If the Sense Motive rolls ALSO winds up being negative, then I guess they do believe everything I said

[Sith_Happens]

* If I allow a PC to buy a wand of Guidance of the Avatar, I relinquish all right to complain when they use it to haggle on all subsequent purchases.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I am no longer allowed to play as a Postman.
** My job is not to deliver the mail.
*** The mail is not slang for dealing damage.
**** Damage is not a tangible thing you can mail.
***** Nor can I return it to sender in mid-attack for improper postage.
****** I am banned from watching Kevin Costner movies before playing Fallout Equestria.

******* If for whatever reason I am near a carpenter, I do not have "a letter, a letter for them"

[Ionbound]

*Not allowed to have an 800 HD Undead minion at level 8.
**Or...Ever, for that matter.

More from the same arguement:

***When asked to tone down said minion, my excuse cannot be 'I'm too squishy, I need a bodyguard'
****Especially when I'm playing a Necropolitan

[cesius]

* I can't use the number of paladin's after me as evidence that I'm playing a "serious" gnome for once.
** I can't use Tucker's Kobolds with the Draconic Rite of Passage (Power Word Pain) to segue into, "Now let me tell you about Geist".
*** The party is not allowed to refer to the Adventurer's Guild as the Murderhobo Union nor are they allowed to refer to the Square of Warriors as Murderhobo Central.
**** The rest of the Deathwatch Kill-Team is not allowed to follow the Black Templar's example when he refuses to use Dodge and never gets seriously wounded.
***** Hellfire rounds are a privilege not a right and referring to the Black Shield Watch-Captain as "totally a Fallen Angel, huh, huh, nudge, nudge," to the Dark Angel will result in that losing that privilege.
****** The Tallarn Two-Step is not a valid dance request for an Upper Hive masquerade.
******* Nurglings in the Outhouse is not "basically" Dogs in the Vineyard.
******** I cannot befriend the Power of Sneezes for the sole purpose of making interactions with my Imperator easier.
********* I cannot start counter-monologuing the bad guy... not even with a musical number.
********** I cannot declare my ax in their sternum as a metal interlude.
*********** I cannot declare "A mancrush on Gimli" to qualify for Dwarven Paragon.

[PrincessCupcake]

and some Shadowrun:
*Optimizing a Street Samurai to be a tank is acceptable
**Grinning at six mooks with machine guns is making the GM suspicious
***If I need to borrow dice from three people to make a dodge roll, I am arbitrarily getting limited.
****If my street samurai needs new armor and is still standing, I have done my job too well.
*****Especially if I am not a troll.

*It is advisable to make sure the technomancer can operate a vehicle before giving him control remotely.
**doubly so for anything that can achieve flight.
***Triply so if it is carrying any form of explosives.

*If I ruin an ambush on the party with more than two of the following in combination: "Armored Car", "Cyberware scanner", "Thermal Imaging", "Antioch Grenade Launcher", and "Targeting Assistance", we are getting hacked.
**If the words "Steel Lynx", "Minigun", "Edge point", and "Fire Elemental" are added, our ambushers are now dragons.
*** adding "18-Wheeler", "Plastic explosives", and "remote acceleration" is overkill.

*may not attach assault rifles to any drone smaller than a beagle.

*Fragmentation grenades are not a proper substitute for an escape plan. Adding fire, mind control magic, and gecko tape however...

[Beige]

More from the same arguement:

***When asked to tone down said minion, my excuse cannot be 'I'm too squishy, I need a bodyguard'
****Especially when I'm playing a Necropolitan

pretty sure I'm the one who should be posting that

though in D's defence, it wasn't one 800 HD undead - it was 16 48 hit dice ones XD

[Socksy]

* The Paladin's girlfriend does not "need to be squared in order to make her real".
** She may be complex, that doesn't mean we "need to find the other conjugate and multiply them".
*** She does not sin. She is dating a Paladin. She does not "tan times cos" either.
**** She is not "sec(C) and she knows it".
***** She's not irrational either
****** Banned from working on my NPCs within one day of studying maths.
******* Banned from maths themed NPCs

[illyahr]

* The Paladin's girlfriend does not "need to be squared in order to make her real".
** She may be complex, that doesn't mean we "need to find the other conjugate and multiply them".
*** She does not sin. She is dating a Paladin. She does not "tan times cos" either.
**** She is not "sec(C) and she knows it".
***** She's not irrational either
****** Banned from working on my NPCs within one day of studying maths.
******* Banned from maths themed NPCs

Is it bad I know what you did there?

[Socksy]

Is it bad I know what you did there?

Nope, it just makes you awesome. And also the target of maths puns if I decide I just have to tell someone.

[Afool]

and some Shadowrun:
*Optimizing a Street Samurai to be a tank is acceptable
**Grinning at six mooks with machine guns is making the GM suspicious
***If I need to borrow dice from three people to make a dodge roll, I am arbitrarily getting limited.
****If my street samurai needs new armor and is still standing, I have done my job too well.
*****Especially if I am not a troll.

******If my troll is able to withstand a railgun shot to the chest from effectively point blank range and barely have a scratch on him, something has gone horribly horribly right.

[GPuzzle]

*Under no circunstances, the Troll's theme song is this one.
**It's not this one either.

[Ionbound]

***This one is right out.

[Beige]

***This one is right out.

what...but...

my brain.

bwah

* I am not allowed to require each of my players to have a theme song
** nor may the bbeg have his own walk cycle song

[Ionbound]

what...but...

my brain.

bwah

That's what I said when I saw that for the first time too. To be fair, it is from the Witcher.

[razorfloss]

***This one is right out.

what does it say that that is the most normal link thing i've clicked on today

[DigoDragon]

* Banned from maths themed NPCs

Those were exponentially beautiful. I'm going to record them in my log.

[Anonymouswizard]

Those were exponentially beautiful. I'm going to record them in my log.

These maths jokes are reaching my limit. Several of the numbers just aren't natural.

Although I may actually pull the mathemagician out for a game soon.

* if I make the joke at the table, I should make sure it's one the history student understands.
** or the foreigners for that matter.
*** the above applies for making the characters play mornington crescent.
**** the password to enter the hideout is not "one song to the tune of another"
***** nor is it a haunting melody on a swanny whistle and a kazoo.
****** the games "shadowrunner's song book", "murderhobo's book club" and "inquisitor's film club" are taking it too far.
******* no more radio 4 within a day of writing or hosting the adventure.
******** iPlayer is also banned.

[Sartharina]

**** the password to enter the hideout is not "one song to the tune of another"

*No longer allowed to sing "America The Beautiful" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island", nor vice-versa.
**Abusing common meter for comical effect is prohibited at the table.
*** Not allowed to drink at the table. There is no room for the "Star Spangled Banner" in any of our settings, and I keep forgetting the first verse and substituting in the Fourth verse instead anyway.

[8balls]

* If a child or teenager NPC in a modern game tells me he's a gangsta I am not to assume that this is true and shoot him in the face.
** Nor can I put him in the trunk of the car, drive to a very bad neighborhood and then throw him out drive off if he tells me he's from the ghetto.
*** If said campaign is urban fantasy one and I get a wish I cannot wish that baseball hats burst into flames when purposefully tilted and/or worn backwards

[Mrc.]

*When asked what the differences are between 3.5 and ShadowRun, I must answer truthfully.
**If I don't, it's entirely my fault we all die horribly within about ten minutes of starting the new campaign.
***The fact that my reaction to Food Fight was "Screw it, I'm eating elsewhere" does not help my cause.

Likely to be absent for quite a while so I'll suggest this now:

Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VIII: You Remind Me Of The Babe

[Rater202]

*When the Quest giver refuses to answer any questions asked of him about what thj potentially illegal actions he wants us to do are, I'm not to threaten to incinerate him crotch first.
**Even if we're already in trouble and were supposed to be meeting with an authority figure to provide testimony when the Quest giver aproched us.

[kopout]

* no part of the eye is an "object" for spell targeting purposes
** The lungs are likewise not a "container" as far as create water is concerned
*** I need line of sight anyway, if I have it on the inside of any vital organ they're dead enough already
* No infusions are not technically arcane spells, I still have to pay for the arcane spell components

[DigoDragon]

* When the party is tasked to take out a group of 50 opponents, no longer allowed to ask for each one's name from the GM.
** Also not allowed to divvy targets to the party by last name and kill count.
*** Especially when the party doctor still has the most kills.

[Ksheep]

*I may not play a character named Titin
**I may not insist that people call me by my full name
***Especislly when it takes three hours to say
****I may not sign any paperwork with my full name
*****Especially since it would take several sheets of paper to write out

[Anonymouswizard]

*I may not play a character named Titin
**I may not insist that people call me by my full name
***Especislly when it takes three hours to say
****I may not sign any paperwork with my full name
*****Especially since it would take several sheets of paper to write out

****** I may not add more names to my collection, even if I'm a few hundred years old.
******* If everyone decides to call my character "Sally" I am to take that as "use a shorter name".

[Socksy]

******* If everyone decides to call my character "Sally" I am to take that as "use a shorter name".

******** The Black Ribboners aren't a thing in D&D.
********* And no, vampires do not work like that.

[Sith_Happens]

* The party is hereby prohibited from accepting NPC followers until we can properly keep track of the ones we already have.
** The next time we have to ask "Wait, what's [NPC] been doing this whole time?" or any variation thereof, the answer will be "Experiencing rigor mortis after trying to stick close to you and, for a time, succeeding."

[unseenmage]

* The party is hereby prohibited from accepting NPC followers until we can properly keep track of the ones we already have.
** The next time we have to ask "Wait, what's [NPC] been doing this whole time?" or any variation thereof, the answer will be "Experiencing rigor mortis after trying to stick close to you and, for a time, succeeding."

That their consciousness is still in their body as it goes through rigor mortis so they actually experience it is horrifying.