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    Default Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    I'm about to submit my applications to vet school for next year. I have no idea what a personal statement is. Please help?

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    I have actually only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career choice for less than two years. Before that, I really had no idea what I might do. Several extremely poor laboratory experiences during my undergraduate career served to discourage any interest in a research career. I have never had any interest in human medicine. I do, however, have several friends who were pre-veterinary, so I started to consider veterinary medicine as a possibility for the first time since I was about eight.

    During winter break of my senior year, I called a local veterinary clinic and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the very first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.

    ]After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and won't be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has fairly vague and restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless.

    I will admit that I have never even met a horse (although I did encounter a donkey once), so I don't really know whether I would want to work with big animals or not. I am primarily interested in small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I'm open to other possibilities. (I am in looking to obtain an internship at the Bronx Zoo, although I'm not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.) A friend and I tentatively hope to one day open our own clinic, although that is of course many years away.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    I don't know precisely what vet schools are looking for, never having applied to one. On the other hand, I applied to about seven grad schools, and must have done something right, since they all accepted me, so here's my advice.

    Get rid of extraneous adverbs. Really, actually, fairly, etc. They're fine for the internet - I abuse the hell out of them myself - but when you're presenting yourself as somebody that a department should invest a lot of time and resources into, they make you look indecisive and waffly. You want to look decisive, so use decisive language, and avoid meaningless qualifications. This is a personal preference, but for a relatively formal sort of statement like this, I'd avoid contractions. Also, vague and restrictive is confusing, just say restrictive, it communicates exactly what you want.

    I think it's fine to say that pursuing veterinary medicine is a recent ambition, but you never tell the reader why you are interested in it. You need to say why you are interested in veterinary medicine but your opening paragraph simply says 'I'm not interested in, or have failed at, other stuff.' Between that and somebody who lays out an argument for why they are dedicated and passionate enough about the field to work like a dog to get the degree, I'd give the acceptance letter to the other person every time.

    If I were to block out your opening it would be [vet med is a recent interest][here's why I'm interested in vet med][segue that into your qualifications][these show I would be a good and hard working student with something to contribute]


    Lastly, if you can obtain any sort of detailed information about the specific programs you're applying to, and why you like them, stick that in. I read papers by professors when I applied to grad school, and commented on having done so in my personal statement. This is a good way to show you are interested in specifically what they can offer you, while demonstrating that you are attentive and therefore have something to offer them.
    Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
    When they shot him down on the highway,
    Down like a dog on the highway,
    And he lay in his blood on the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.


    Alfred Noyes, The Highwayman, 1906.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by warty goblin View Post
    Lastly, if you can obtain any sort of detailed information about the specific programs you're applying to, and why you like them, stick that in. I read papers by professors when I applied to grad school, and commented on having done so in my personal statement. This is a good way to show you are interested in specifically what they can offer you, while demonstrating that you are attentive and therefore have something to offer them.
    Most of the schools do use a common application, so although that's generally good advice, it's not applicable here.

    I've tried to take into account your other suggestions.

    Spoiler: draft 2
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    I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career choice for less than two years. Before that I had no idea what I might do after finishing my undergraduate degree. I do, however, have several friends who are pre-veterinary, so I started to consider veterinary medicine as a possibility for the first time since I was about eight. Now I am sure that it is what I want to do.

    During winter break of my senior year, I called a local veterinary clinic and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.

    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and will not be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless.

    I will admit that I have never even met a horse (although I did encounter a donkey once), so I do not know whether I would want to work with large animals or not. I am primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities. (I am looking to obtain an internship at the Bronx Zoo, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.) A friend and I tentatively hope to one day open our own clinic, although that is of course many years away.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    No supplements whatsoever for the different schools?
    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonprime View Post
    AT, I esteem you above all other men now.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    I don't like the "Before that I had no idea what I might do after finishing my undergraduate degree." At best its neutral and at worst it will be taken negatively. It doesn't really add any good information to the reader so, I'd just remove it entirely.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Most of the schools do use a common application, so although that's generally good advice, it's not applicable here.

    I've tried to take into account your other suggestions.

    Spoiler: draft 2
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    I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career choice for less than two years. Before that I had no idea what I might do after finishing my undergraduate degree. I do, however, have several friends who are pre-veterinary, so I started to consider veterinary medicine as a possibility for the first time since I was about eight. Now I am sure that it is what I want to do.

    During winter break of my senior year, I called a local veterinary clinic and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.

    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and will not be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless.

    I will admit that I have never even met a horse (although I did encounter a donkey once), so I do not know whether I would want to work with large animals or not. I am primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities. (I am looking to obtain an internship at the Bronx Zoo, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.) A friend and I tentatively hope to one day open our own clinic, although that is of course many years away.
    Better, but I'm still not particularly convinced by it. I read it and I get the sense you lacked direction for a while, and now want to become a vet. I don't see anything telling me why you want to become a vet, or why you think you would be a good one. Which is what you want to be doing with a statement of purpose, using the space to tell the admissions committee why you want to be a vet, what you find appealing about the trade. It also reads well if you explain why you aren't just talking out of your ass on the first point, and to provide a reason beyond your transcripts, letters of recommendation, etc that you would be well suited to veterinary school, all while being relentlessly positive about yourself. If you don't know something, that's a learning opportunity. If you have a problem, that's a challenge to overcome. You want to make yourself look capable (I am able to do this), active (I will do this), focused (this is what I want to do) and determined (I will work hard to do this).

    Fortunately I think you have a fairly strong way to tie all this together. Using square brackets to denote outlined content, and italics in curlies to denote further commentary on my part, here's a possible outline to consider:

    [Wanting to become a vet is a recent ambition][explain what it is about being a veterinarian that you find appealing {It's OK to talk briefly about why you don't want to do something else, so long as you can turn that into a reason you do want to be a vet}][explain how you learned this as a volunteer in an animal hospital] {alternatively flip the order of the last two, if you think that flows better}

    {Now you want to develop the points you've introduced in the first paragraph}
    [Discuss your experiences in volunteering in more detail, e.g. your first patient dying, your lack of experience working with large animals] {Instead of saying you don't know if you want to work with large animals, say you look forwards to learning more about them or something similar. This makes you look engaged and interested, instead of passively ignorant.}[Continue talking about how you hope to gain more experience by volunteering at the zoo][Tie these points back into why you want to become a vet][Mention your future ambitions]

    [Concluding remarks, basically reiterate the points in your intro. This is also a good time for a personal anecdote.]



    A person of dignity such as yourself may object that this is selling you like a miracle slicing product on a late-night infomercial. This is basically correct, entirely unpleasant to do, but also very much what must be done.
    Last edited by warty goblin; 2014-09-23 at 05:50 PM.
    Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
    When they shot him down on the highway,
    Down like a dog on the highway,
    And he lay in his blood on the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.


    Alfred Noyes, The Highwayman, 1906.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Man, this is worse than trying to get transcripts and recommendations in on time.

    Spoiler: draft 3
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    I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career choice for less than two years. Before that I had no idea what I might do after finishing my undergraduate degree. I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry, but a career in research does not interest me. I do, however, have several friends who are pre-veterinary, so I started to consider veterinary medicine as a possibility for the first time since I was about eight. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I are the type to stop and chat with people at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore this potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and will not be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless. Among other things, I can now prepare gowns and instrument packs for sterilisation, restrain a dog, cat, or rabbit, hold off veins for a technician to draw blood or insert an intravenous catheter, monitor an animal's vitals during anaesthesia, and operate the x-ray machine. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments.
    I do have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. I am looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    The first paragraph still feels off to me. You still have the "I had no idea what I wanted to do after undergrad" part which I still think is not great to add into a Personal statement. Also the statement about friends in Pre-veterinary seems odd. I read it as you decided to go into vet school because you had friends in it. That's a terrible reason.

    While the opening paragraph might be true, it reads as you decided to look into Veterinary medicine on a whim (your friends were in it and you didn't know what to do). That is not a great impression to put into an opening paragraph. Even if you leave the "didn't know what to do" part in, linking it with the statement that because you had friends in the program you decided to look into it, makes it sound pretty flaky. Transitioning from "liking biology and biochemistry" to "always having had animals around the house and liking them" is a much better introduction rather than what you have currently written here.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Ugh, good luck. I'm applying to vet school right now myself--I submitted my VMCAS about three weeks ago (still waiting for approval) and I submitted all the supplemental applications due October 2 last night. There's still a few supplemental applications that are due later or haven't been released yet, so I'm hanging on to those a few more days to go over them. Are you applying now or this year? The VMCAS is due Thursday at 1 PM eastern time. I'm sorry I didn't see this thread beforehand.

    Now it's probably not a good idea for me to share tips with you because you're competition (especially since I think you're applying to Cornell too) and I've dreamt of being a veterinarian since I was six years old, I want this so badly, but...

    Everyone else is right, you don't want to open by saying you didn't know you wanted to be a vet until a couple years ago. I think you need to focus more on why you want to be a veterinarian, what veterinary medicine means to you, and why you want to do it. It's not just a resume--you have room on the VMCAS under the "veterinary experience" entries to describe your duties and you can do it again on the Cornell supplemental application, as well as some other supplement applications. Focus more on the "Why" than the "What" here. Do you want me to show you what I wrote? Just...please promise me you won't copy it or anything, okay? I spent a long time working on it.

    Where are you applying to vet school? Some of them have supplemental applications due October 2 as well. Of the ones I'm applying to, University of Colorado, North Carolina State, University of Pennsylvania, and University of Georgia all have their supplemental applications due October 2 at 1 PM Eastern Time.

    And wait...are you currently in college? Where do you go? Do I know you?
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2014-09-30 at 03:05 PM.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Ugh, good luck. I'm applying to vet school right now myself--I submitted my VMCAS about three weeks ago (still waiting for approval) and I submitted all the supplemental applications due October 2 last night. There's still a few supplemental applications that are due later or haven't been released yet, so I'm hanging on to those a few more days to go over them. Are you applying now or this year? The VMCAS is due Thursday at 1 PM eastern time. I'm sorry I didn't see this thread beforehand.

    Now it's probably not a good idea for me to share tips with you because you're competition (especially since I think you're applying to Cornell too) and I've dreamt of being a veterinarian since I was six years old, I want this so badly, but...

    Everyone else is right, you don't want to open by saying you didn't know you wanted to be a vet until a couple years ago. I think you need to focus more on why you want to be a veterinarian, what veterinary medicine means to you, and why you want to do it. It's not just a resume--you have room on the VMCAS under the "veterinary experience" entries to describe your duties and you can do it again on the Cornell supplemental application, as well as some other supplement applications. Focus more on the "Why" than the "What" here. Do you want me to show you what I wrote? Just...please promise me you won't copy it or anything, okay? I spent a long time working on it.

    Where are you applying to vet school? Some of them have supplemental applications due October 2 as well. Of the ones I'm applying to, University of Colorado, North Carolina State, University of Pennsylvania, and University of Georgia all have their supplemental applications due October 2 at 1 PM Eastern Time.

    And wait...are you currently in college? Where do you go? Do I know you?
    Oh, cool. Good luck to you too.

    Yeah, I'm applying for 2015. Don't worry, Cornell is on the list but Penn is my top choice (even if it does mean twice as much debt, ugh). I'm running pretty late on some stuff because I didn't expect nearly-full-time work and one class to be quite as stressful and time-consuming as it's turned out to be.

    I graduated from Stony Brook in May and I'm just taking Biochem at Purchase now.

    Hmm. Writing these is so hard. I'm not good at this stuff. Don't worry about showing me yours; I've seen plenty of examples online and I can't write like that.

    Spoiler: draft 4
    Show
    I have to admit that I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career for the last two years. I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry, but I do not have any passionate interest in a career in research. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and will not be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless. Among other things, I can now prepare gowns and instrument packs for sterilisation, restrain a dog, cat, or rabbit, hold off veins for a technician to draw blood or insert an intravenous catheter, monitor an animal's vitals during anaesthesia, and operate the x-ray machine. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments. The adorable little jerk is walking between me and the screen as I try to tyy6muy6y6v4fny6b+7:55 PM 9/30/2014kcn hgb
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Oh, cool. Good luck to you too.
    Thank you!

    Yeah, I'm applying for 2015. Don't worry, Cornell is on the list but Penn is my top choice (even if it does mean twice as much debt, ugh). I'm running pretty late on some stuff because I didn't expect nearly-full-time work and one class to be quite as stressful and time-consuming as it's turned out to be.
    I'm applying to UPenn too--did you finish the supplement for it?

    I graduated from Stony Brook in May and I'm just taking Biochem at Purchase now.
    Oh, I'm at Cornell.

    Hmm. Writing these is so hard. I'm not good at this stuff. Don't worry about showing me yours; I've seen plenty of examples online and I can't write like that.

    Spoiler: draft 4
    Show
    I have to admit that I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career for the last two years. I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry, but I do not have any passionate interest in a career in research. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. I have logged approximately 600 hours so far and expect to work another 300-400 hours before I have to undergo surgery for my wrist this winter and will not be able to continue working. Unfortunately, New York State has restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant, but I have learned a lot nonetheless. Among other things, I can now prepare gowns and instrument packs for sterilisation, restrain a dog, cat, or rabbit, hold off veins for a technician to draw blood or insert an intravenous catheter, monitor an animal's vitals during anaesthesia, and operate the x-ray machine. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments. The adorable little jerk is walking between me and the screen as I try to tyy6muy6y6v4fny6b+7:55 PM 9/30/2014kcn hgb
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.
    Hm. I have to run for a bit so I can't give a long response right now (well, I can edit it in), but again don't start by saying you don't have a passionate interest in research. I don't either but I didn't mention that in my essay. Don't focus on what you can't do; focus on what you can do. And instead of focusing on the fiddly little details that are in the VMCAS experience section, focus on the whys and the emotions behind your experience. Examples and stories are good though! And put in a good conclusion to wrap it up! Seriously, I can PM you or post my essay if you want and give a few line-by-line explanations.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2014-09-30 at 07:10 PM.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    I'm still working on everything and screaming internally the whole time.

    Oh, cool. You might know a friend of mine, then. I think she's in your year. Do you know anybody who used to go to Simon's Rock?

    Spoiler: draft 5
    Show
    I have to admit that I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career for the last two years. I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry and want to do something involving the life sciences. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. Unfortunately, New York State has more restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant than Pennsylvania or Connecticut, but I have learned a lot nonetheless and I am loving the job. This is the first time that I have actually looked forward to waking up at six in the morning to prepare for a ten-hour work day. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned young Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments.
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    I'm still working on everything and screaming internally the whole time.

    Oh, cool. You might know a friend of mine, then. I think she's in your year. Do you know anybody who used to go to Simon's Rock?
    The upenn one takes about 10-15 minutes to do and is due October 2 at 1 pm. And maybe I know her? Not sure what Simon's Rock is though.

    Spoiler: draft 5
    Show
    I have to admit that I have only been considering veterinary medicine as a possible career for the last two years. I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry and want to do something involving the life sciences. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. Unfortunately, New York State has more restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant than Pennsylvania or Connecticut, but I have learned a lot nonetheless and I am loving the job. This is the first time that I have actually looked forward to waking up at six in the morning to prepare for a ten-hour work day. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned young Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments.
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine, although I am not sure what I would be able to do with only one hand while my other wrist recovers from surgery.
    Better, especially with the cat. Still, I don't think you should mention your recent interest in the first sentence. I would only mention it if you can also write a compelling explanation/story for the sudden interest. Why do you want it as much as I do, when I've been dreaming of this since I was five or six years old? You need to explain. And don't mention your surgery in tje essay, especially if you're using it to say you won't be able to do much. Best not to mention it at all.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    The upenn one takes about 10-15 minutes to do and is due October 2 at 1 pm. And maybe I know her? Not sure what Simon's Rock is though.
    It's our old school. I'd just rather not post peoples' names on the forum though, you know?

    Better, especially with the cat. Still, I don't think you should mention your recent interest in the first sentence. I would only mention it if you can also write a compelling explanation/story for the sudden interest. Why do you want it as much as I do, when I've been dreaming of this since I was five or six years old? You need to explain. And don't mention your surgery in tje essay, especially if you're using it to say you won't be able to do much. Best not to mention it at all.
    Hmm. Yeah, I'm not good enough with words to explain that. It's kinda complicated in my head. As for the surgery, maybe I should clarify that it's a minor surgery and I should be fine in about two to three months. Just an intraosseous ganglion in my triquetrum (although that's pretty rare it's not a difficult surgery).
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    It's our old school. I'd just rather not post peoples' names on the forum though, you know?
    No, I agree. You can pm it if you want.

    Hmm. Yeah, I'm not good enough with words to explain that. It's kinda complicated in my head. As for the surgery, maybe I should clarify that it's a minor surgery and I should be fine in about two to three months. Just an intraosseous ganglion in my triquetrum (although that's pretty rare it's not a difficult surgery).
    Yeah, I'm lucky in that regard; I'm a pretty decent essay writer (at least I hope that's the case!) and I have a good command of the English language. I didn't have too much trouble expensing it in the essay. But I really wouldn't discuss the surgery at all. Is it in any way relevant to your past experiences, or future performance as a veterinarian?

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Hmm. Just gonna cut a few things.

    Spoiler: draft 6?
    Show
    I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry and want to do something involving the life sciences. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. Unfortunately, New York State has more restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant than Pennsylvania or Connecticut, but I have learned a lot nonetheless and I am loving the job. This is the first time that I have actually looked forward to waking up at six in the morning to prepare for a ten-hour work day. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned young Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments.
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine.
    Jude P.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    Hmm. Just gonna cut a few things.

    Spoiler: draft 6?
    Show
    I am fascinated by biology and biochemistry and want to do something involving the life sciences. My family has always included several animals, and my mother and I often stop and chat with people on the street or at the park as an excuse to meet their dogs. Studying veterinary medicine would be the perfect way to mix my love for animals with my love for science.
    To explore veterinary medicine as a potential career, I called a local veterinary hospital and asked whether they would be willing to let me shadow there during winter break of my senior year. I spent two weeks in the treatment area watching and sometimes assisting. On my first day there, the first patient of the morning died, so I had no illusions going in that the job would be fun and games with puppies and kittens.
    After the spring semester, I came back to work at the same clinic as a veterinary assistant. Unfortunately, New York State has more restrictive laws regarding the duties of a veterinary assistant than Pennsylvania or Connecticut, but I have learned a lot nonetheless and I am loving the job. This is the first time that I have actually looked forward to waking up at six in the morning to prepare for a ten-hour work day. Another thing I have gotten out of this experience that I never expected is a new friend—I adopted an abandoned young Siamese who had to undergo a urethrostomy but whose former owners refused to pay for his treatments.
    I do also have to admit that I have never even met a horse or a pig. I have no experience working with large animals besides one brief volunteer experience that included feeding, grooming, and cleaning up after two goats. I am currently primarily interested in working with small domestic animals (cats, dogs, rabbits, &c.) but I am open to other possibilities and look forward to learning more about large and exotic animals as well as small animals. A friend and I tentatively hope to open our own veterinary clinic one day, although that is of course many years away.
    I am also currently looking into obtaining an internship at the Bronx Zoo to learn something about exotic animal medicine.
    Much better than your first draft, though I wouldn't leave the sentence about the Bronx Zoo floating on its own; it doesn't flow well. Don't forget that you have 5000 characters to work with, that's about 800-850 words. Also, there are some grammatical and tense issues. I'm studying for a prelim Thursday but I have some time; I can show you my essay and thought process if you want, and I can help you out a bit more.

    EDIT: If you don't want to that's fine. I didn't mean and didn't want to sound pushy.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2014-09-30 at 08:10 PM.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    The reason why you're having trouble is because you have no thesis statement and your narrative arc is a bit underdeveloped. Now I realize that "thesis statement" is writer argle-bargle, so let me put it a different way: suppose I was talking to you in a conversation, and I said to you "In one sentence and without thinking about it, why do you want to go to veterinary school?"

    What is the response that you came up with? If it was anything other than "Because I think it will pay well," you have your thesis statement. No, no serious. Being genuine and honest will make this statement flow off your fingertips, because once you have your thesis statement, the structure of the argument that you're building will follow. If it's something like "I really loved animals as a child", you'll instantly start thinking of examples that back your reasoning up.

    I had a huge amount of difficulty writing my personal statement for law school. No matter what I did, it came off stilted or argumentative or just ridiculous until I realized that what I was doing was telling a story, a story whose happily ever after was "And then I attended your law school." And once I realized that what I was missing was a narrative arc, the story came easily: I was a person that was deeply impressed in my youth with my father's sense of devotion and patriotism. Not the "rah-rah" or flag-waving kind of patriotism, but the deep and abiding sense that I was immensely privileged by the circumstances of my birth, and I owed something back to the nation that gave me that privilege. And it was because I wanted to pay back that nation that I was attending law school.

    By giving the readers a narrative arc to follow, I gave them not simply a list of accomplishments and a name. I gave them a person that they could sympathize with and root for. I gave them a story that they had the power to grant a happy ending, and who doesn't want to see a good and decent person earn their happy ending?
    Last edited by McStabbington; 2014-10-01 at 07:52 PM.

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    McStabberton is exactly right. Good luck--it's due in 7 minutes!

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    Default Re: Critique my Personal Statement (Vet school)

    My mum and I heavily revised it yesterday and I submitted it this morning. You'd think I'd be relieved, but now I'm just super-anxious.

    Good luck to you, CoffeeIncluded!
    Jude P.

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