Serious Plots 5: No lulz.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

The boy swallows heavily. He doesn't want to do this. He so totally, completely, does not want to do this. But there are no other doors he can take, and he is not staying at a place run by people who mistake a person for an anxiety disorder.
Will reaches in with the tire iron. No way is he reaching into all that blood with his bare hands. It's unsanitary! If he can, he'll hook the end of the iron around a hole that might be in the key. There is usually at least one in the handle, and there's always a big one on old-fashioned keys since their key rings were huge iron things. If he can, he'll pull at the thing once it's hooked. He doesn't want to turn it. Closing the flow might tick off the monster.

If there isn't a hole, after figuring this out he'll withdraw the iron and wait for the monster's reaction to the intrusion. If it reacts badly, he can just run out and tell the two-headed thing that it wants his cans. That should buy him time.

[Devixer]

Vinose Woods

Ashley is too busy focusing on not being caught and sent to prison again to notice that Ally isn't following them. While she's sprinting away from two of the bandits, she digs through her pouch for something, anything that'll help her.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya nods and says, "I'm Tanya. And I know for damn sure that's my real name because I remember using it in my homeworld."

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will hooks the key with his tire iron and yanks it free from the wall!

Because the Cosmos apparently wants him to suffer, this causes the flow of blood to cease. The hungry morula continues wallowing in the vital fluids for a good thirty seconds before it will give a shrill shriek and go after the next source of blood it can find.

Namely Will.

Assuming, of course, that it can see him.

What the monster does next depends largely on where he is when it runs out of blood to stuck at.

If it has a line of sight on him?

Well... then he might be in trouble.

If it doesn't?

Then it'll simply begin patrolling around the bathroom in search of a new meal.

What does he do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"Tanya..." Sharps mutters to himself. "That's a nice name... I remember it for you, Tanya. Even if you forget it. If you end up like me, then I'll remind you, alright? Neither of us will give up hope because there is somewhere outside the Hospital and we will get there!"

He sounds so sure of himself now!

"There might be something we can use as disinfectant in here somewhere," Sharps admits. "Or if you're feeling extra adventurous, you can feed your arm to the vending machine and I can buy whatever it is that you need. Just... just keep in mind that the Hospital shapes you a little more every time you die..."

What does she do?

[Beans]

Vinose Woods

Ashley is too busy focusing on not being caught and sent to prison again to notice that Ally isn't following them. While she's sprinting away from two of the bandits, she digs through her pouch for something, anything that'll help her.

Carrie sprints alongside Ashley, weighing the options of using her powers. She could maybe slow down one, but that'd do little good...

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya shakes her head and says, "I don't plan on risking myself. Let's see if we can find a disinfectant." She looks around, and then says, "There's got to be something behind the desk, right? That's where disinfectant usually is," as she, you know, looks behind the possibly non-existant reception deck.

[Lost_Deep]

[Somewhere Awful - Napira]

The room looks exactly like it did the first time she looked around it. It looks pretty much exactly like her room did. Same layout, same objects. Just a leg in the bed and a really obvious door to the west. Said door looks like it was taken out of a submarine. Big, heavy metal thing with a wheel in the middle.

"Nah, that's crazy talk buddy! The Hospital is all there is! OH HEY! Do you like nachos?!" Kevin replies excitedly.

Napira goes over to go through the drawers, and then will check behind the clown painting. No reason to hang around with a naysayer.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will's blood goes cold as the flow stops. On the other hand, he has the key, so he moves to the door-stall with something between a sprint and a scuttle. He locks the door behind him, and then goes about fitting the hooked key into the door. He tries to use the iron as much as he can to avoid touching the bloody key or the iron's bloody lower end. He'll wrap either in toilet paper if he absolutely must use his hands directly.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

There is not, in fact, any reception desk it this room. Only the objects previously mentioned. So that would be the chairs, the couch, the book shelf and books, the toilet, and the sink. And, of course, the creepy vending machine.

"Th-there's a desk in the nurse station two rooms away," Sharps admits nervously. He begins searching under the couch. "They might have some actual disinfectant. Everything I've been able to find so far is infectant."

Why would someone want to use infectant?

That seems really dumb.

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Nepira]

Three drawers! Three prizes! If you count this junk as prizes.

Inside the first drawer is an empty blood transfusion bag. In the second is a can of kidney stone fogger. It looks like one of those flea bomb things, honestly. In the third is a tiny alabaster statue of Commander Data. And behind the clown painting? A little alcove with a wind-up clown car in it.

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

The key fits easily into the lock, causing a loud clacking noise when its turned. With a mechanical clunk the puzzle box door begins rearranging and folding into itself until it's nothing more than a tiny cub in the lower right corner of the doorway.

And beyond the doorway?

Is a completely normal looking nurse's station. It's a large, square room with tasteful carpets, a large wooden counter, computer terminals both for the nurses and patients to use, chairs for patients to wait in, a television quietly playing animal documentaries, several potted plants, an end table stocked with magazines, and two totally unremarkable looking vending machines, one full of snack food (and weirder things) and the other full of soda. There are four exits to the room aside from the one Will came through, a door on the southeast and the southwest corners, a door on the north wall, and a medical curtain on the east wall.

Yep.

Totally normal.

Except for the things in here.

In one of the chairs is a vaguely animal-shaped mass of long hair with hooked, horny teeth clasped together on one end. It's gnawing on the stump of a human arm. There's a giant disembodied human nose with a pair of glowing eyes deep within its nostrils and a set of teeth sticking out of the nasal septum. The thing is oozing thick green mucus everywhere. There's also what can only be described as a fuzzy Cubone with long, erect ears. It's diligently reading a magazine.

Behind the nurse's counter is a lumpy heap of sharp biohazard waste bags, bright red plastic with all fashion of needles sticking out of it. The thing is a vaguely female shape with a little white nurse's cap on its head. The creature is trudging back and forth behind the counter aimlessly.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful

Will picks up the cube, and sets the tire iron down. It's covered in blood, and he doesn't want to draw attention to himself right now with that kind of look or smell.

At the sight of the waiting area, Will flinches. Oh, geez, please don't let them notice him. If he's very lucky they won't. Although he supposes if he has to he might consider asking the furry one for directions. The bone mask (or face?) looks like the two-headed critter's a bit, and that one was helpful even if his head wasn't exactly on straight.

Will for now goes over to one of the terminals, and sees if it doesn't have a map he could look up. That would be great.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya looks in the toilet and sink, search for disinfectant continuing, as she says, "Eh, you said the nurses were really bad, right? I'd rather not risk messing with them."

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

For whatever strange reason the doorway behind Will now has a medical curtain hanging in it.

Weird.

As he sneaks his way over to one of the public computer terminals the hair-thing seems to spot him and begins poking at the nose thing. The hairy beast points at Will and the two creatures begin whispering back and forth.

Upon reaching the computer Will is likely disappointed. The machine is able to play Galaga and nothing else. Looks like he won't be able to get a map from it. The one next to it is displaying a screen saver of flying toasters and refuses to do anything else. And the one next to that? That computer is cycling through pictures of various parasites.

Yay parasites?

Maybe one of the nurses' computers would be more helpful...

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful

Will grimaces. No luck here. He'll head over to one of the nearer doors, likely the one to the southwest, since that's closest to the place where he entered, and presumably he's still in that area.
He'll take a moment to look at those stack machines though. Maybe there will be something normal to eat! He remembers one time he saw a vending machine that had super-low-to-nonexistent prices since it was supposed to be for patients. He doesn't quite remember when he was at a hospital for that. Maybe something for his little brother? It probably doesn't matter.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will slinks over to the vending machine and discovers that they do in fact require payment.

In blood.

Milliliters of blood, specifically. And they have been paid such, judging from the blood stains around where one might expect the coin slot to be. There are plenty of snacks in the machine, but also medical supplies for some reason. Weird... Maybe Will would be able to get some blood from the bathroom? But that would probably involve finding some way to kill the hungry morula...

As Will ponders what to do next he suddenly finds himself confronted by the hair-horror!

The monster is munching on a giant Butterfinger candy bar, not a human leg.

It was never eating human flesh.

Clearly Will was just hallucinating.

"Hey! What the hell are you supposed to be, anyway?" the hair horror asks, poking at him with a finger of... hair. "Some kinda skin sack that gobbled up a ton of organs or something? Or have you got parasites?"

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will gulps. Oh geez it's talking. It's talking, what does he do? Just be polite, Will, don't give it much to react to and maybe it'll go away.
"I haven't got parasites, and I have skin and organs naturally. I'm nothing to worry about." he says, trying to somewhat subtly step away from the thing towards that south-west door...

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya pulls up the back of the toilet and discovers a throw-switch inside!

And no water. No disinfectant, either.

How would the toilet even be able to flush?

Sharps hasn't found anything under the couch and now he's looking under the cushions. Hmm... There's some loose change in there! Not that money is at all useful here. Not even a little bit! "Yeah, they're terrible. It's best to stay away from them. Every time they've found me out of my room they've killed me on sight."

That isn't a particularly healing thing to do.

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"You have organs naturally? People don't have organs. They are organs. Just fulla organs naturally. Pfft. Yeah right," the monster scoffs before poking Will in the chest several more times. "I'm keeping my eye on you."

...it doesn't have any eyes...

With that it slinks back over to its chair and sits down. Then it points at its... 'head'? with two strands of hair before pointing them at Will. The runny nose burbles out some more snot while the fuzzy creature buries its face further in its copy of Homeopathy is Totally Legit Science.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will grimaces and lets the thing go, despite the horrendous lack of logic it seems to have. It's surrounded by folks with fully-functional limbs, weird as they are, how does he not believe in species with organs?
Ugh, he'd wanted to try asking the little fella where he had come in through, but he doesn't want that nosy nose to overhear and figure out that he's escaping. The last thing he needs is it raising the alarm. So he decides to go in blind, even though he really doesn't want to. He slinks over and tries to go for the south-west door.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya blinks and says, "Oh, here's another switch. I'll wait on the thing until he find some way to feed it without me sticking my newly non-healing arm in it." And, with that, she flips the switch.

[Lost_Deep]

[Somewhere Awful - Nepira]

Three drawers! Three prizes! If you count this junk as prizes.

Inside the first drawer is an empty blood transfusion bag. In the second is a can of kidney stone fogger. It looks like one of those flea bomb things, honestly. In the third is a tiny alabaster statue of Commander Data. And behind the clown painting? A little alcove with a wind-up clown car in it.

What does she do?

Great, nothing that could be made into a firebomb. Well, maybe the kidney stone fogger could, but WHAT.

This is useless. She takes her hammer and goes back to the door, with intent to cartwheel/flip/roll past the teeth and hair things to that other door and open it.

[ThirdEmperor]

[Somewhere Awful - Ish]

The heap of lard isn't just eating the bacon. It's also eating the pickles, the spEYEders, and slurping up the pickle juice. At least it isn't eating the barrels, too. Once it finishes its meal, the bloated horror will creep back into its room, following the scent of meatloaf.

Looks like Ish's plan was successful!

He found something important without getting eaten by a crawling fat tumor! And that's just wonderful.

The only downside to the plan?

Now the hallway smells like rancid butter, too.

Ah well.

Can't win them all.

What does he do?

Right now? He gets out of there, quickly, before the thing can slither back and eat him.
Anything else is secondary.

He steps over the slippery trail it left behind, pushing through the cold room and trying the door on the far side. If it's locked, well, he'll try the key he's just found.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

As Will pushes on the door a giant scalpel comes whizzing out of a slot in the wall on a path to cleanly remove his head from his shoulders. Having his head removed from his shoulders would probably be bad and he should avoid that.

What does he do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"You found another switch?!" Sharps exclaims excitedly, a couch cushion balanced on his head. "I couldn't ever find the one for the clown! Where was it?"

True to his word, a large clown painted on the south west corner of the room slides apart, revealing a passage behind it. Sharps is practically bouncing with excitement! "I've never been down that way! Just this room, mine, Arbelebra's room, and the nurses' station! We might be able to bypass the nurses completely!"

This is great news!

Beyond the door is a hallway.

The hallway looks suspiciously like the inside of a small intestine, complete with innumerable wriggling villa writhing away on all surfaces. All manner of giant aggregate bacterial colonies are crawling around between the fleshy finger-like structures.

Sharps' ears droop at the sight. "...that's really gross."

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Nepira]

"Bye friend!" Kevin yells as Nepira departs. "If I get some nachos later I'll let you know, okay?"

When Nepira returns to the hallway she'll discover that the dermoid cyst has inverted itself, now looking like a disgusting mass of hair and teeth and a long, dangling, hair-like tongue hanging out of its mouth. The bundle of greasy black hair is swiftly whipping back and forth in a rather rhythmic fashion.

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Ish]

Ish hurries back through the cold-room and opens the door on the other side, entering a new chamber from the west. On the eastern wall is a medical curtain. The rest of the room is stocked full of barrels of oil. Fish oil, corn oil, cotton seed oil, coconut oil, peppermint oil, pretty much every kind of oil one might use in cooking imaginable. A small table has been set up in the middle of the room with a human skull being used as an oil lamp with a pair of wicks coming out of the eyes.

What does he do?

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya nods and says, "Well...There's nothing really to do for it. At least I have a mask...Just...Hold your breath? Or do you think you're immune to them?"

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful

Sadly, Will isn't in much of a position to do anything, given as he's busy being dead at the moment. At least he didn't feel anything, nor had time to think.
And if someone brings up the "severed head can live for 10 seconds" stuff, LDK will be rather upset at the implications.

At least the possible blood and brain matter can give a nice, hearty "screw you" to Mr. Doubting Nose Guy.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will wakes back up in his own room with a vague sensation of a sharp pain in his neck accompanied by a feeling of... missing... something. It's hard to put a finger on it, really. He's feeling quite fuzzy, honestly. Both mentally and physically. The memories from before the hospital are still there, they just feel distant. Will's fur is all matted from laying in bed and his tail is asleep from sitting on is strangely.

Wait, what?

Should he look himself over, he'll find that his body is surrounded by an almost ghostly aura shaped sort of like that skull-faced creature that was reading the magazine, just stretched to human proportions and missing the mask. It's really, really weird. He can feel it, but if he tries to touch it there isn't anything there, almost like some sort of phantom limb.

Also?

There's a giant floating ebola virus in his room wearing bit swirly glasses, a tie, and a name tag. The thing looks kind of like a sorta-crystalline sausage. "Well hello there mister Precipice!" the creature says, the top fourth of its length popping on and off with a jagged edge not wholly unlike a mouth. "Glad to see you're finally awake! I'm Doctor Ebola, your general practitioner for the duration of your stay here at the Hospital. I have wonderful news! We've managed to remove a nice chunk of your parasitic organs. It'll take two more rounds of surgery to kick out the rest of the freeloaders and then you'll be just right as rain! Tell me, how's my favorite anxiety disorder feeling?"

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"Well... I think those are just gut bacteria?" Sharps ventures. "Aren't gut bacteria harmless? I mean... I've never been hurt by any of the bacteria crawling around in my room before..."

That's just because he hasn't met any flesh eating bacteria yet.

What does she do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Truth be told, the mask might have made things a bit more apparent, because right at this very moment Will is too busy sputtering at the sudden appearance of a giant talking virus to look himself over and realize that he's currently stuck in a phantasmal cosplay suit.
He sputters a bit, but eventually gets out, "That isn't my name, that isn't what I am, and you did what?!" he says, probably a bit louder than is polite at this range.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Ha ha ha!" the virus laughs in a vague approximation of what a person laughing should sound like. "I like you already, Mister Precipice. You acrophobias are always so much fun to talk to! And we removed five of your parasitic organs. Let me see..." it mutters as it scoops up Will's medical clip board and begins paging through it. "Hmm... let me see... ah! Here we are! Removed a liver, a heart, a spleen, a gallbladder, and a lympho-circulatory system! That last one was real stubborn, let me tell you! But thankfully he and the rest of the organs that were living off you are expected to make a full recovery."

...

...how on earth is Will even alive right now?

Should he put his hand to his heart he'll discover that, sure enough, he doesn't have a heartbeat.

At all.

The veins one can normally see in the arms are conspicuously absent as well.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will's player has never really been able to find his heartbeat around his actual chest, but since everyone else seems to we'll assume Will can. But of course, he can't, not even when he sticks a finger to his neck where his artery normally produces a very easily checked pulse.
"I haven't gone by that name my entire life, and I haven't a clue where you pulled it out of. I have no idea who you think gives you the right to be pulling surgeries on people which by all rights should be impossible, because my organs are things that I'm supposed to need to live, and not people!" he says, at which point he makes the aforementioned check to his neck and makes note of his odd furry feeling (since his chest had a hospital gown over it), and gets quite a horrified look on his face, which is presumably still visible as he looks at his own hand.
"Gah, what the hell is this?" he nearly shrieks.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Really, are you sure? Oh dear, that's a troubling reaction to the treatment," Doctor Ebola replies. "Well, don't you worry! We have some wonderful homeopathic, all natural, GMO free remedies for your present condition. I'll be sure to have one of the nurses stop by soon with your medication."

The... thing... totally ignores the ranting about what it does and does not have the right to do.

"Oh, but they are! I'm told you met a collection of hair follicles and a nose on your little foray around the Hospital? All of the organs that were mooching off you are on their own now. The Hospital is treating their maladies for them, though I can't really talk about what they're suffering. Doctor patient confidentially and all that."

Of course.

And then shrieking!

"Oh dear me, now what? What's wrong?"

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

"The hell do you mean, 'what's wrong?' You can say all you want about what you nutjobs think is up with me, but I did not look like this before, and one does not get extensively hairy when someone rips out their circulatory system!" he says angrily, his tail waving about rather amusingly above him.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Silly waving tails.

"Oh. OH! Well, you don't need to worry about that in the least, Mister Precipice," Doctor Ebola replies confidently. "When a mental disorder like yourself gets all gummed up with parasitic organs your, ah, natural shape gets obscured you see. If the organs have been feeding on a disorder for some time it can cause confusion and even false memories. By the time you're back to your old self all those pesky false memories should be gone! Some patients transition back to their natural shape without incident! But others, unfortunately, require additional medication."

Umm...

"However, since you're exhibiting troubling symptoms I'm going to have to request that you remain in your room. If you're found wandering about again you'll be returned here."

After being killed violently! And operated on. And then revived.

What does he do?