Serious Plots 5: No lulz.

[Recaiden]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Tavlii glances back at Kylee, an amused frown her expression.
"Absolutely. You all have had one hell of a head start on us."

Then it's back to her overzealous boss. Squash the bit of morality squeaking up (have another body begin plotting espionage to assuage it, maybe), smile.

"There is something to said for thoroughness, I suppose. But three times is excessive, excessive surely. Anyways..."
Shake of the head.
"Isn't that more of a marketing department problem than ours? We could come up with features that attract people, but I'm hardly an expert on what that would be."

Her eyes light up when he mentions humans. Public domain, is it? That has potential.
"I'm afraid I have no point of reference at all for our customers. Everything technical is another story, but what they want, why they want it - that I need to get up to speed on."

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Kylee's ears flick in embarrassment

Sorry...

Liu smirks

Operations... go figure.

Then a nod

Oh, yeah: Marketing to do the promotions, Sales to do the footwork, Product Management to do the customer surveys and stuff.

Our job is to sift through the stuff those three groups come up with, do feasibility studies, estimate, prioritize, and execute!

But if that's all we do, then we'll never really shine. We need to think of cool things those guys don't come up with - stuff that people don't know they need yet.

He leans in

Our highest margin product bar none is the carnivorous grass. There's a lot of money in "monsters", and yet we've got just short of none. We have people walk out on a regular basis because we've got nothing to offer. Frost-breathing vulpans are a start, but they're going to be tied up in licensing for a while yet.

he sits back up

I got a request just the other day, in fact: somebody wanted a vampire fox. Like a vampire bat - not undead - you know, drinks blood instead of eating the whole body? How cool would that be? A couple of tweaks to the fang arrangement, tongue modifications for better suction, couple of digestive changes...

he sighs

They're going to go buy the chupacabra instead, because I couldn't get it through.

[Recaiden]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Tavlii chuckles, and leans in to listen.
"Yeah. That...actually makes it all clear."

Leans back, stroking an invisible goatee.
"Everyone wants a wide variety of 'monster' creatures, right? That's a shame; the vampire fox would have been interesting. Did Inari mention to you the most recent creature we'd worked with? A sort of primeval 'dire' fox."

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Liu pokes a few things on his tablet, and a folder titled "Unauthorized" appears on Tavlii's

Oh, I know about it all-right: it was a skunk-works project of mine and after you caught one, I caught a chewing out for letting it go in the Nexus. Not that I plan to stop: the Hunting Grounds there is just too perfect.

On purely simulated files:

There's DracoFox that lays eggs and breathes fire... that keeps failing even basic simulations, so I'm missing something.

ToxicFox has venomous fangs... I've got a couple different venom formulas, but I haven't settled on one I like yet.

WingedFox was silly: they're kinda cute... but the musculature just doesn't work.

Foxifier was playing around with the Vulpinthropy genes I snagged from a werefox: if it bites you, you'll turn into a fox yourself - doesn't seem to actually work, though.

And of course I started on VampireFox, but it's not done.

[Recaiden]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Tavlii just has to laugh here.

"Did you now? That explains a lot about it, really."
She gives the folder a more descriptive name and looks into it, scanning the included files most cursorily.

"How are you implementing the fire-breathing? That's where I'd look, although egg-laying will require some pretty major life-cycle adjustments to work out, wouldn't it?"

"Toxic...that just seems unnecessary, but simple enough to do. I suppose they would have to fill a different niche."

"Winged...for obvious reasons, I'd like to see that one work out. There are larger birds, you know. There would have to be concessions, of course."
And smile, looking up at the manager.
"This is a good direction. I look forward to doing work with you."

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya nods as she snatches the clown key and starts running towards the hookworm room as she says, "Let's go!"

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Tavlii just has to laugh here.

"Did you now? That explains a lot about it, really."
She gives the folder a more descriptive name and looks into it, scanning the included files most cursorily.

"How are you implementing the fire-breathing? That's where I'd look, although egg-laying will require some pretty major life-cycle adjustments to work out, wouldn't it?"

"Toxic...that just seems unnecessary, but simple enough to do. I suppose they would have to fill a different niche."

"Winged...for obvious reasons, I'd like to see that one work out. There are larger birds, you know. There would have to be concessions, of course."
And smile, looking up at the manager.
"This is a good direction. I look forward to doing work with you."

Liu chuckles

Well, I thought the elemental gate style that the winter-vulpans used was a pretty good design because it avoids a lot of weirdness: so it's just an instinctive spell that gates fire in. Setting that up wasn't hard, and I thought I did the egg stuff right: I looked over platypus and Pokémon, even if they are silly.

He smiles

Glad you like them - this is the sort of stuff I am looking for. You don't have to do any of those, of course, but you'll have the leeway to actually make whatever it is you do choose to do! In between other more official product updates, of course.

I think we'll work out just fine.

[Lost_Deep]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Kylee chuckles and shakes her head

I'm not much for haggling... we'd end up paying list price for everything. Besides, I don't have the contacts to find better prices. I don't know where to look or who to ask... and I don't even know what would be a fair discount to try for.

So when the notion of a purchasing agent came up at the last trade show, we all started pushing Inari for that.

She glances over at Tavlii

I have a feeling you'll be getting requests from her very soon. Outside of the computers, their equipment makes ours look modern.

Caravan activates her bracelet computer and gets a holographic overlay over the tablet. "I'll look into genetic engineering tech, then. Did you put budget preferences in here anywhere?"

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will discovers that Doctor Phage apparently gets left and right mixed up on a regular basis, because a bunch of huge, whirling, razor sharp blades come popping out of the floor and wall and dice him into little pieces.

Or at least they would have if he hadn't had those regenerating cells!

His wounds quite literally heal up behind the blades, closing just as soon as the things rake through him.

Suffice to say this hurts a LOT.

Will's outfit is now bloodied and he's probably in quite a bit of pain, but at least he's still uninjured and the door is open!

And on the other side of the door?

A bakery.

The sort with one of those big glass display counters with all sorts of tasty treats inside it! Everyone likes treats, right? Sitting atop the counter is a huge left hand with an eye where the stump should be and a mouth in the palm. There's a smaller hand at the end of each finger. The thing gets a pretty good view of Will being diced.

"Doc got left and right mixed up again, eh?" it asks.

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Back to the worm room!

Once inside, Sharps pulls out the extinguisher. Tanya might notice that the outside of the device is covered in frost. Hmm... interesting...

"Should we just clear a path through here or try going through the Nurses' station while its busy with the intestine?" Sharps asks.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya wastes no time thinking as she quietly says, keeping a careful eye out for the nurses if they pass by, and says quietly, "Nurse's station. We can always come back to the worms, but we might not have a chance to distract the nurses again."

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

"Yep." says Will flatly, ignoring the huge amount of blood.
"He said he wants his donuts. Ecoli?"

[Beans]

Vinose Woods

"...Where's Ally?" is the first thing Ashley says. It takes her a moment for her to realize they got separated, and she sighs. "We can't stay here. We'll head to that inn, and try to find her in the morning," she says.

Carrie sighs and nods. She's smart, I'm sure she'll try to head there too...
She thinks.
She hopes.
Man, if there's any dragons or anything like that, someone's getting chipped.

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Caravan activates her bracelet computer and gets a holographic overlay over the tablet. "I'll look into genetic engineering tech, then. Did you put budget preferences in here anywhere?"

Kylee shakes her head

I don't... like I said, I don't really know what's possible. Inari has authorized full list price, but we need to make it as inexpensive as we possibly can. The better we can do on this set, the more I'll be able to push for some items on my stretch wishlist.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Yeah, the Doc loves his E.coli custard donuts," the hand horror replies as it skitters out from around the counter with a blood bag in... hand. "At least I won't have to bug him about paying this time."

Then?

It shoves the pointy syringe-like portion on the bag's cord into the rather sizable pool of blood Will left all over everything. How does he even have blood if they took out his circulatory system? Ah well, hardly the weirdest thing going on right now.

"Right, this should cover it," the hand horror says as it stows the transfusion pack behind the counter and puts some donuts in a little box. "There you go mister anxiety monster. Try to keep your head on. Doctor Phage tends to go through assistants pretty fast."

Well.

That isn't terribly encouraging.

What does Will do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"Good idea, I know where the triggers for the secret doors into the nurses' station are, so I can get us that far at least," Sharps says. "But once we're past there, that's as far as I've ever gotten." When Tanya moves to look around the corner Sharps will yank her back out of view. "No. Don't let them see you. They don't make any sound when they're moving around. Just wait until the door opens and then run."

Soon enough there's a gross sphincter-opening sound, no doubt the nurse going through the intestine's door.

What does Tanya do?

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

When she hears the noise, Tanya makes a break for it, running as quickly and as stealthily as she can, trying to make her way back to the waiting room so Young Sharps can show her how to get to the Nurse's station.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will nods, turning to go. After some consideration, he pauses to set the box down and fill up his two blood bags. Might as well, since the cells aren't taking up space in his bag. He wished he could have saved those things, but they did save his life.

After that he'll look around for a door, but if there are no options to get out of here he'll have to go find the Doctor again.

[Lost_Deep]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Kylee shakes her head

I don't... like I said, I don't really know what's possible. Inari has authorized full list price, but we need to make it as inexpensive as we possibly can. The better we can do on this set, the more I'll be able to push for some items on my stretch wishlist.

"Ah, yes, don't know what's possible." Caravan smiles. It's as if she's heard that many times before, and has an answer she really likes. "Well, I may have my tech specialist or alternate physics specialist contact you to clear up any questions, but I think this is well and away enough information to get you a preliminary quote. Would you like it now, or would you like to wait until I can get a solid number?"

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Back to the waiting room!

Adorably enough, when Sharps wants to run he drops to all fours and begins bounding. It looks about as awkward as a racoon running around. He heads straight for the book shelf, grabs a book on clowns, and gives it a yank. There comes a grinding noise as a section of the wall slides away!

"Through there. That's Arbelebra's room," Sharps says. "Be careful around her, she's unstable."

Beyond the door is another padded room much like the one Tanya woke up in, though with a few major differences. First? There's no can of creamed corn in the middle of the floor. There's a tuba. Or rather, parts of a tuba. It has been taken apart and all the components arranged in a neat line from smallest to largest to smallest again. Also? There are similar lines of feathers along the opposite wall, also arranged from smallest to largest to smallest again. Sets of claw marks have been gouged into the walls of the room, all perfectly symmetrical with each other.

Though the most striking thing is Arbelebra herself. She's a pitiable looking creature, to be sure. Like a cross between a snake, a raven, and a cat, she's sitting on top of her bed looking miserable. She has four heads on long, snakey necks; a large central one and three smaller ones, two on one side and one on the other. Her main head's bone mask has a dragon-y look to it, though the horn on her right side is broken off. One of the smaller masks is incrusted with filth, a second marred with deformed features all out of place, and the third with wildly unsymmetrical markings splashed about it. She has three wings, two large and one smaller, all three raw and bleeding from being plucked of feathers.

As soon as Tanya steps into the room the monster's three smaller heads begin whispering to her.
"Disgusting, shedding skin and hair all over the floor."
"Look at that, all those organs sloshing about out of order."
"It isn't arranged right. FIX IT! FIX IT NOW!"

"Hi Arbelebra, this is my friend Tanya, we're just passing through okay?" Sharps says as he heads straight for the room's door.

"H-hello..." the obsessive compulsive monster mutters quietly.

What does Tanya do?

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will acquires two full blood packs!

Those will come in handy.

And then?

Back to Doctor Phage!

"Oh, excellent! You've returned! You didn't have any trouble with the trap, did you?" Phage asks. "I get left and right confused sometimes."

What does Will do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will frowns and presents the doctor with a box.
"Yes. Yes you do. Here are your donuts." says Will grumpily, holding out the box.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya nods, trying to move as little as possible and touch nothing as she steps to the room door and says, "Yeah, just passing. I'm sure it'll take no time at all for you to set things straight."

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

"Ah, yes, don't know what's possible." Caravan smiles. It's as if she's heard that many times before, and has an answer she really likes. "Well, I may have my tech specialist or alternate physics specialist contact you to clear up any questions, but I think this is well and away enough information to get you a preliminary quote. Would you like it now, or would you like to wait until I can get a solid number?"

Kylee shrugs

You can wait until you get a solid number. We've been waiting for this upgrade for centuries.

[Lost_Deep]

Oryza Biological Products

Caravan nods. "Okay! Anything else I should know that you can think of? I'm about out of questions."

[Fenric]

[Oryza Biological Products]

Kylee shakes her head

No, that's all I have for now. It has been very nice to meet you, Caravan.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Wonderful!" Doctor Phage replies before grabbing the box and devouring the donuts within. Since they're filled, they make gross squelching noises and squirt out bacteria-infested custard when it bites into them. It smells absolutely nauseating.

What does Will do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya and Sharps quickly flee through the door and into the nurses' station beyond!

As with the other nurses' stations in the hospital, it looks disturbingly normal. A large central desk, chairs, sofas, end tables, potted plants, and even some more vending machines. Vending machines that aren't made of repulsive flesh! Crazy right? To the north is a pretty normal looking door, to the east a medical curtain, and on the west way a large portrait of a sad clown riding a horse Napoleon style.

Sharps peeks around inside, finding neither nurses nor other patients.

"We're clear. Let's hurry before the nurse comes back."

What does Tanya do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will looks like he wants to go right about now, but doesn't. He's almost entranced by how horrifying that is. It doesn't even have a MOUTH how is it eating those things?
"So uh, if you're uh, busy I'll just be going..." he says quietly as he steps away...

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya nods and says, "Yeah. Hey, go look at the vending machines. Might be something useful I can get at without paying." As she talks she considers the painting and, with a brief thought, pulls it down off the wall.

[Lost_Deep]

Oryza Biological Products

Caravan nods and put both computers into her mane. "Likewise! I look forward to working with you in the future."

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Doctor Phage makes no further comments.

It's too busy devouring those disgusting donuts. Somehow.

What does Will do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

"Nothing in the vending machines is ever free," Sharps says, nervousness creeping into his tone.

Then Tanya takes the clown painting off the wall!

There's a wall behind it. How mysterious!

"What are you doing?" Sharps hisses. "If we stay here we'll get caught!"

What does Tanya do?

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya grins and says, "They are if you smash the glass," and hangs up the paintings, then looks at the vending machines, seeing if there's anything useful in them.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will keeps going, not stopping until he's at least gotten past the first medical curtain.
Hrm. There was no other place to go in the bakery. Maybe now he should try the door thingy? Will looks about for any other hint of an entrance, but if that fails he'll see if he can't use the door portal on an Eastern wall. If the place hasn't changed from the map he saw he should be getting closer to how far North he needs to get to the final door.