"I too like to destroy beehives with nuclear weapons!" Mundane problem; crazy answer

[AnonymousPepper]

So a while back there was a thread where somebody asked for a way to make Duration: Concentration spells more useful without Sonorous Hum. My proposed answer was to go Planar Shepherd tied to the Astral Plane so that you could maintain concentration as a move with the right feat and still cast other spells as a swift because free quickens. The exact wording from me was "Easy. Be a Planar Shepherd..." and this prompted a response of "I too like to destroy beehives with nuclear weapons."

So my challenge to you guys is to come up with the most mundane D&D issue you can think of and solve it with the most ridiculously overkill solution possible. The gauntlet has been thrown. TO is absolutely viable. Try to avoid using the same trick somebody else has used, though. Bonus points for impracticality, being completely over-the-top, DM rage inducing potential, wording abuse (a la killing the Tarrasque as a level 1 commoner by optimizing your character's name) and sheer Rube Goldberg-ness.

[torrasque666]

Anything: Be Wizard 20.

[Douglas]

Problem: A party member is dying.
Solution: Break out the Immortals Handbook and slay Death.

[Red Fel]

... and then after you've True Mind Switched with the Aleax of your Ice Assassin...

[Phelix-Mu]

Problem: Sentient life is problematic and constantly provokes the need for new campaigns with new characters.

Solution: End life on the Prime in one night with a wave of animated green slime that devours anything that isn't stone in a matter of seconds. Self-resetting traps of touch of Jubilex, wave of green slime, and mundane sources of green slime are used by a druid that has split itself into many thousands of burrow roots. PaO/mass awaken the green slime, now it's intelligent and mobile.

The trick is getting it all done before the sun rises, lol.

[AnonymousPepper]

Problem: A party member is dying.
Solution: Break out the Immortals Handbook and slay Death.

what
how
what
that's like some Exalted crap right there

[SamsDisciple]

Not the most epic of situations but this really happened. My barbarian expressed rage at goblins many a time and so to incite that rage at (in)opportune moments my DM threw goblins in everywhere (and I mean everywhere...seriously I even found one in the bathroom of a temple of Pelor...) but in order to speed things along and not take much more time than a couple rounds during combat he gave my barbarian a +1 greataxe that would turn into a +5 vorpal, bane, flaming, (insert several other effects that I don't remember) axe that would only affect goblins and only if I used the key word. Luckily for my intelligence 8 barbarian the key word was Shiny. This epic axe (only against goblins) ended up killing the barbarian when it started flaming while I was trying to hide from giants. The party decided not to sell the axe for money to revive me because if I woke up and shiny was gone then I would probably have proceeded to kill the party.

[Doorhandle]

what
how
what
that's like some Exalted crap right there

Damn skippy it is! I remember a myth where Hercules wrestled with death for exactly that reason.

[Milodiah]

I, for one, have been confronted with a cavern that was (probably) full of enemies, and I proceeded to literally jury-rig two or three different spells together (I forget which ones, sadly) into a magical thermobaric explosive in order to wipe out literally everything.

[avr]

I, for one, have been confronted with a cavern that was (probably) full of enemies, and I proceeded to literally jury-rig two or three different spells together (I forget which ones, sadly) into a magical thermobaric explosive in order to wipe out literally everything.

Oh, you've combined ray of frost, shatter and fireball too? It really was careless of the kobolds to leave that much oil lying around where adventurers could get to it.

Still, the most overkill I've seen (didn't do it myself) was releasing 54 bulettes from an AD&D bag of beans on to a small island. Destroyed the ecology entirely.

[avr]

Still, the OP is about theoretical situations. There's the classic "I am a drow warblade troubled by light blindness. Iron Heart Surge that annoying sun. ahhh, that's better."

Or planar binding a succubus in order to ... have her teleport you a fresh hot coffee in from your favorite cafe.

Start the shadowpocalypse to reduce property prices so you can afford a house in a nice part of town.

[toapat]

chain Gating solars is pretty much the most broken thing pre-epic that doesnt involve Mindjacking the immortal - invulnerable Aleax of your Immortal Ice Assassin.

although i think the idea is "most flagrant abuse of your power to do something mundane".

So, i guess using planar binding to get a succubus maid?

[Extra Anchovies]

Cast Gate, bring in a Solar, have it periodically cast Light over the next few hours because you A) didn't prepare any light spells and B) want to keep working after sunset.

[evangaline]

You are one of those mages of the arcane order, and as a 20th level immortal wizard you requre to have a celebration. You also happen to love cheese, especially molten cheese!

Of course you invented a fondue divice with your 38+ int. After a couple of delicious meals this magnificent divice of true cheese-melting stopped working and, even though a couple of contingencies go off to prevent this, you feel sad. Very sad.

There are of course a lot of options to solve this. You all probably have a lot of equally mind-shattering ways to archieve the melting of cheese, and I have one aswell:

You pshycic reformation your ice assasin with a (whished for) power stone into a psion who astral seeds himself. And, after some minor shenannigans, he inhabits/becomes the still-broken (RIP) fondue device. Psionic reform him again, this time into an ardent with the elemental mantle.

Every time the cheese touches the plate it takes a single fire dmng, melting it with the speed of light. Depening on if it is quickened or not light has a speed of 6 or less seconds

[Threadnaught]

Necropolitan Gray Elf Wizard.

Astral Projection and several dozen Ice Assassins of an Ice Assassin of an Ice Assassin of an Ice Assassin of yourself.

Crack open the DMG and find the list of 100 quest hooks. Some of them, will be you, while every other would easily be solved by throwing Ice Assassins at it. For extra lulz, get some of them to use Project Image and every single one to have Death Throes cast on them, it'll heal them while damaging enemies not immune to Negative Energy.


A merchants' guild decide not to work for your Planar Monopoly and/or decides to attempt to get your business kicked out of every city they have some pull in?

Army of Ice Assassins to offer some well placed bribes, make those who are willing to join disappear into employment hidden until the merchants' guild is dissolved, assassinate the most vocal detractors in horrible accidents/natural disasters and wage a campaign of terror on anyone who makes life difficult for your business.


Policing a city?

If you see some punk commit a crime while you're using Astral Projection, call in an army of Ice Assassins and have him choose between serving his sentence as a Skeleton/Zombie, or paying a fine.

[molten_dragon]

We were playing Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil, and for some reason in that module, grells kept creeping up in odd places. I was playing a shadowcraft mage, and he was getting increasingly annoyed by the grells not leaving us alone. He finally snapped when the group's rogue (his best friend) failed a save against a trap, and got sucked into the demiplane that the grells were all coming from. We were 15th level I think at this point, so I intentionally failed my save against the same trap, and proceeded to wipe out the grells with a couple of mimicked Apocalypse from the Sky spells.

It turns out I killed pretty much all of the grells in existence, so it's been a running joke ever since that grells are now an endangered species.

[Petrocorus]

I need to clean my room!
I don't want to do it, it's annoying, and a high level wizard has better stuff to do, like reading the mage guild's gazette.

What should i do?

Start the shadowpocalypse to reduce property prices so you can afford a house in a nice part of town.

Shadowpocalyse is a Shadow Apocalypse from the Sky?

[avr]

Shadowpocalyse is a Shadow Apocalypse from the Sky?

No, it's starting a pyramid scheme to mass-produce undead shadows faster than clerics and adventurers can kill them off.

Guaranteed to reduce house prices, what aristocrat wants to live where the hoi polloi can walk through the walls and see you taking a bath?

[NEO|Phyte]

Spoiler

Show

[nedz]

I thought that a Shadowpocalyse was when you create a self resetting trap of Ghost Sound in order to play some very old music, continuously.

[Extra Anchovies]

I thought that a Shadowpocalyse was when you create a self resetting trap of Ghost Sound in order to play some very old music, continuously.

I'm afraid I don't get this reference. Please explain.

[Darkweave31]

"I was hungry, so I made an ice assassin of an omnificer to have it use a profession: chef check with infinite bonus to make me grilled cheese."

"I had this great idea for a maid cafe, so I made ice assassins of all of the gods and dressed them in maid outfits."
"Even Boccob?"
"Especially Boccob."

[toapat]

"I was hungry, so I made an ice assassin of an omnificer to have it use a profession: chef check with infinite bonus to make me grilled cheese."

but that took 6 hours, And killed you thanks to his +NI Craft (poison) check

[Darkweave31]

but that took 6 hours, And killed you thanks to his +NI Craft (poison) check

1. You have absolute control over an ice assassin.

2. It wasn't of me, therefore it doesnt want to kill me.

3. Time manipulation is easy.

[Venger]

problem: I have an itch
solution: iron heart surge

[Extra Anchovies]

Eliminate mooks one-by-one by researching their personal truenames and casting Unname on them.

[nedz]

After being stung by a bee

• Discern Location on Beehive
• Meteor Swarm

problem: I have an itch
solution: iron heart surge

—or—

problem: I have an itch
solution: I wish I didn't have this itch

[Arcanist]

Problem: A party member is dying.
Solution: Break out the Immortals Handbook and slay Death.

This one actually gave me a small giggle. I absolutely had to add this story.

I was once playing an Artificer (how all great stories begin) and I got the idea to craft an item of Time Stop -at will. I always liked the Delay Spell Metamagic and combining these two things together never occurred to me. I took an item of Orb of Force and an item of Time Stop and in combat, I just used Delay and Quicken together to do the below

Round 1: Delay (5 rounds) Orb of Force, Quicken Delay (5) Orb of Force
Round 2: Delay (4 rounds) Orb of Force, Quicken Delay (4) Orb of Force
Round 3: Delay (3 rounds) Orb of Force, Quicken Delay (3) Orb of Force
Round 4: Delay (2 rounds) Orb of Force, Quicken Delay (2) Orb of Force
Round 5: Delay (1 rounds) Orb of Force, Quicken Delay (1) Time Stop
Round 6: Time goes back in, all of the delay spells trigger and resume at Round 1

The problem? I did this on everything. Yes. Everything. And that is why every monster I make capable of having Spell Stowaway (Time Stop) and Celerity do.

[Aegis013]

problem: I have an itch
solution: I wish I didn't have this itch

The Monkey Paw gives you every other itch in the world in its place?

Need to feed people? Get the black hole pig-bond commoner and then force a Nightmare into Astral Projecting him and slay/cook/eat the duplicate pigs. Surely they won't turn into duplicate Orcus!

[Venger]

The Monkey Paw gives you every other itch in the world in its place?

Need to feed people? Get the black hole pig-bond commoner and then force a Nightmare into Astral Projecting him and slay/cook/eat the duplicate pigs. Surely they won't turn into duplicate Orcus!

pig-bond summons the actual Orcus though.

I bet a lot of his time is taken up killing pig-bonded commoners.

...

That's why he never actually does anything!