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  1. - Top - End - #61
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    SiuiS's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Krade View Post
    Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

    He's OK now.
    Ha!

    Quote Originally Posted by Liffguard View Post
    My wife asked me to hand her some lipstick a few days ago but I accidentaly handed her a glue stick.
    .....
    She's still not talking to me
    .
    My da did that to my mum with her eye drops and superglue, once. I sometimes forget why I cut him out of my life, then I remember stuff like this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff the Green View Post
    My playlist of sad songs is entitled "Cantaloupe Dog".
    Melon collie!

  2. - Top - End - #62
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kymme's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Why was the little boy crying?

    Spoiler: Punchline
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    Because he had a frog stapled to his face.


    What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

    Spoiler: Punchline
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    They both live underground. Apart from the eagle, obviously.

  3. - Top - End - #63
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    *ahem*

    A man brings his dog into the vet's office. The dog isn't moving. He says "doctor, what's wrong with my dog?" The dog looks it over, thinks for a second, then goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat paces around the dog a couple times, the dog does nothing. The vet says "sir your dog is dead."

    A couple days later, the guy gets the veterinarian bill. It's $1010. He calls up the vet and asks why. "Oh, says the vet, it's $10 for the visit and $1,000 for the cat scan."
    School Fox by Atlur

    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant View Post
    Anarion's right on the money here.
    Quotes

    "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
    Oscar Wilde Writer & Poet (1891)

  4. - Top - End - #64
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    Melon collie!
    There's a reason nobody who knows me asks the meaning of my playlist names anymore. Or my Kindle folder titles. Or my bookmarks.
    Author of The Auspician's Handbook and The Tempestarian's Handbook for Spheres of Power.
    Ask me (or the other authors) anything.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lateral View Post
    Well, of course I'm paranoid about everything. Hell, with Jeff as DM, I'd be paranoid even if we were playing a game set in The Magic Kiddie Funland of Perfectly Flat Planes and Sugar Plums.
    Greenman by Bradakhan/Spring Greenman by Comissar/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

  5. - Top - End - #65
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    What's green and has wheels?

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    Grass. I lied about the wheels.

  6. - Top - End - #66
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    Kymme's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amaril View Post
    What's green and has wheels?

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    Grass. I lied about the wheels.
    What is red and smells like blue paint?

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    Blue paint. Also, Anti-Jokes are my jam.

  7. - Top - End - #67
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Erloas's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    So most of my jokes are situations so they don't really work anywhere.
    But I think this one is at least good enough to mention.

    So I ask one of my coworkers* "how many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?"
    He asks how many, my response "I don't know, it still hasn't happened yet."

    *context, this coworker is in charge of the electrical department and I've been asking him to get these bulbs changed for at least a couple weeks. And being union company only an electrician is allowed to change bulbs.

  8. - Top - End - #68
    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    A dyslexic walks into a bra.
    Last edited by Hiro Protagonest; 2015-01-05 at 04:12 PM.
    Avatar of George the Dragon Slayer, from the upcoming Indivisible!
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    Warriors and Wuxia, Callos_DeTerran's ToB setting

  9. - Top - End - #69
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    A Solipsist.
    This signature is no longer incredibly out of date, but it is still irrelevant.

  10. - Top - End - #70
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    Duck999's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kymme View Post
    What is red and smells like blue paint?

    Spoiler
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    Blue paint. Also, Anti-Jokes are my jam.
    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak english, poops on the floor and leaves.

    Also, what's the difference between a pig and a spoon?
    Spoiler
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    A pig can't ride a bike.
    Avatar made by Bradakhan| Other avatars.
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    Quote Originally Posted by TFT on quicktopic
    Oh no, Duck999 is a mason.

    How can I possibly suspect you of being a wolf now? :(

    :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Legato Endless View Post
    Duck: Mason. A really shifty mason, but a confirmed role nonetheless.

    Slii: Slii is town. He looks better than Duck even with that mason claim.

  11. - Top - End - #71
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Well if we're doing anti/meta-jokes...

    How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Spoiler: Answer
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    @#$% you, you misogynist pig!

  12. - Top - End - #72
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Once, there was a duck.

    It started running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running...

    Spoiler: Spoiler
    Show
    ...and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running...
    And then?

    Spoiler: Spoiler
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    It stopped.
    This signature is no longer incredibly out of date, but it is still irrelevant.

  13. - Top - End - #73
    Sheriff in the Playground Administrator
     
    Roland St. Jude's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    This thread seems to have reached a plateau. Which is okay because that's the highest form of flattery.
    Forum Rules

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  14. - Top - End - #74
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    What's red and bad for your teeth?

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    A brick!

  15. - Top - End - #75
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by BannedInSchool View Post
    Well if we're doing anti/meta-jokes...

    How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Spoiler: Answer
    Show
    @#$% you, you misogynist pig!
    Oh, so you automatically assume the dumb blondes are women, huh?
    Homebrew PrC: The Performance Artist
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  16. - Top - End - #76
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Roland St. Jude View Post
    This thread seems to have reached a plateau. Which is okay because that's the highest form of flattery.
    Are you sure we haven't reached the summit yet?

    Member of the Phyrnglsnyx Pronunciation Pact

    PHYRNGLSNYX
    Fear-en-gil-sniks

    [fyːrŋlˌsnɪks]

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    Current avatar by Cuthalion. Thanks a lot!

  17. - Top - End - #77
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emperordaniel View Post
    Are you sure we haven't reached the summit yet?
    Eh, I feel like the thread really peaked on page 2.
    Homebrew PrC: The Performance Artist
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  18. - Top - End - #78
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    How do you confuse a blonde?

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

  19. - Top - End - #79
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    Maralais's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by SowZ View Post
    Oh, so you automatically assume the dumb blondes are women, huh?
    He did say blonde and not blond.
    Last edited by Maralais; 2015-01-06 at 09:25 AM.
    Currently GMing:
    Warcraft: Quest for the Prismatic Blades / IC / OOC

  20. - Top - End - #80
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    An second one:

    Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

    When they left, the bartender said:

    Spoiler: Punchline
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    "Whew, the mood was tense when they were here!"

  21. - Top - End - #81
    Troll in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maralais View Post
    He did say blonde and not blond.
    What if they were anthropomorphic beers?
    Homebrew PrC: The Performance Artist
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  22. - Top - End - #82
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    SiuiS's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by roko10 View Post
    How do you confuse a blonde?

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
    That'll confuse just about everyone, really. Except maybe spiderman.

    Quote Originally Posted by SowZ View Post
    What if they were anthropomorphic beers?
    Doesn't change the situation that much. Beers aren't known for their intelligence.

  23. - Top - End - #83
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post

    Doesn't change the situation that much. Beers aren't known for their intelligence.
    But great beers always have a good head...

  24. - Top - End - #84
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    But great beers always have a good head...
    No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.

  25. - Top - End - #85
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.
    I don't know whether I'd be able to recognize a Jewish architect or not. Probably not.
    Spoiler: Vanity quotes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strigon View Post
    Wow.
    That took a very sudden turn for the dark.

    I salute you.
    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    I wish it was possible to upvote here.

    I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.

  26. - Top - End - #86
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.
    Speak for your own region.
    Author of The Auspician's Handbook and The Tempestarian's Handbook for Spheres of Power.
    Ask me (or the other authors) anything.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lateral View Post
    Well, of course I'm paranoid about everything. Hell, with Jeff as DM, I'd be paranoid even if we were playing a game set in The Magic Kiddie Funland of Perfectly Flat Planes and Sugar Plums.
    Greenman by Bradakhan/Spring Greenman by Comissar/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

  27. - Top - End - #87
    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    This probably works best when told, not read (ideally, told in a progressively slower and more drawn-out voice), but, I'll try anyway.

    Spoiler: The White Knight on the Black Horse
    Show
    So one day, an adventurer rides up to the king's castle. He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, looks firmly up at him and demands:

    "Yo, king! Gimme your daughter!"
    The king looks down at him for a while, thinks, and replies:
    "Well... I can't give you my daughter just like that! You'll have to do something for me first. I want you to bring me a bag of sand and a bucket of water."
    The knight ponders this, decides that it's only fair, nods, and leaves the castle.

    He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

    Only then does he realize that he forgot to bring a bag with him. So he turns around and goes back into the castle.
    He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and reaches the inner of the castle, where he picks up an empty bag and leaves the castle again.

    He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

    After searching briefly he finds a spot where there's sand, fills up his bag with it and goes back to the castle.
    He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, deposits the bag of sand in front of him and says:

    "Yo, king! Here's your bag of sand; now gimme your daughter!"
    The king looks down at him and the bag of sand and says:
    "Well, you have brought me the bag of sand... but you still need to bring me a bucket of water!"
    The knight pouts, but nods, turns around, and proceeds to leave the castle to fetch the bucket of water.

    He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?" (That's some seriously forgetful guards, by the way, aren't they?)
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

    Only then does he realize that he forgot to bring a bucket with him (so, the knight's not any better than the guards!). So he turns around and goes back into the castle.
    He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and reaches the inner of the castle, where he picks up an empty bucket and leaves the castle again.

    He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

    After searching briefly he finds a little lake, fills up his bucket with water, and goes back to the castle.
    He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
    "Halt! Who are you?"
    - "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
    So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, deposits the bucket of water in front of him and says:

    "Yo, king! Here's your bucket of water; now gimme your daughter!"
    The king looks down at him and the bucket of water and says:
    "Well...
    Spoiler
    Show
    You have now brought me the bag of sand...
    Spoiler
    Show
    ...and the bucket of water...
    Spoiler
    Show
    But...
    Spoiler
    Show
    You see...
    Spoiler
    Show
    I don't have a daughter!"



    I know an even worse one of that type, but that one would translate even worse into writing, it pretty much has to be told.
    LGBTitP Supporter
    In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die - Ever drifting down the stream - Lingering in the golden gleam - Life, what is it, but a dream?
    - Lewis Carroll

  28. - Top - End - #88
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Duck999's Avatar

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterwind View Post
    I know an even worse one of that type, but that one would translate even worse into writing, it pretty much has to be told.
    Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?
    Avatar made by Bradakhan| Other avatars.
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    Quote Originally Posted by TFT on quicktopic
    Oh no, Duck999 is a mason.

    How can I possibly suspect you of being a wolf now? :(

    :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Legato Endless View Post
    Duck: Mason. A really shifty mason, but a confirmed role nonetheless.

    Slii: Slii is town. He looks better than Duck even with that mason claim.

  29. - Top - End - #89
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Duck999 View Post
    Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?
    You have inspired me!

    Shelten lived in a light house, and he hated climbing the stairs each day. He bought a donkey to carry him up, but it was scared of the lighthouse lighy and would flee when it got to the top. Shelten would be carried back down the stairs and would have to start all over again. Finally, fed up with it, Shelten made the donkey walk up the stairs backwards so it would not see the light. One day Shelten was drinking in his lighthouse with his friend Mitch. They ran out of scotch and Shelten began to ride his donkey back down the stairs. The donkey suddenly had a heart attack and died, head pointed down the stairs. Shelten and Mitch now had to carry the donkey down the stairs and Shelten shook his head and said "This is ass backwards."

  30. - Top - End - #90
    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Duck999 View Post
    Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?
    Not exactly.

    Here's basically how it goes, though, again, this one really should be told for full effect; also, I don't feel like typing it out properly (that is, pages and pages and pages long), so, this is more of a demonstration of the principle. I'll put comments and instructions on how this is to be told when telling it verbally in blue italic.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
    "John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
    John replied:
    "I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
    The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

    With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
    "John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
    John replied:
    "I wish for three little yellow balls!"
    The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

    With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
    "John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
    John replied:
    "I wish for three little yellow balls!"
    The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

    (Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

    The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

    It ends with:)

    John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
    "John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
    John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
    Spoiler
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    I...
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    ...wanted...
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    ...three...
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    ...little...
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    ...yellow...
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    ...balls...
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    ...because...
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    URGH! *dies*


    If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death.
    LGBTitP Supporter
    In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die - Ever drifting down the stream - Lingering in the golden gleam - Life, what is it, but a dream?
    - Lewis Carroll

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