Crazy Stuff Our Kids Say

[Kid Jake]

I've got a three year old niece that I've been more or less raising for the past three years and among the things I've discovered about child rearing, perhaps the most surprising is how gut-wrenchingly funny/mind-boggingly confusing some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths is. So I figured I'd share some of her gems with the Playground and invite you folks to do the same.

When Asked: What Does The Clown Say?
She instinctively responds: "Get in the van!"

When Asked Who She Was Playing With At The Park
She furrowed her brow and said: "I think she was a little girl...or maybe she was a vampire. I didn't ask."

When I Dropped Her Off At Her Grandmother's To Spend The Night
She hugged me, looked in my eyes and said: "I'll come back tomorrow. Please don't go die in a ditch."

After Explaining Why She Hates Nearly Every Scooby Doo Character, I Ask Why She Keeps Watching The Show
She replies "It's Fred. He's just soooo handsome."

She Declares Herself a Princess and Thus Beyond Our Petty Rules, Her Mother Picks Her Up To Tickle Her In Response
She immediately shouts: "Unhand me peasant!"

I Turn The Corner To See Her Dragging A Large Doll Behind The Trashcan By Its Feet
She's humming to herself "Dispose of the body...."

No Context For This, I Just Walked Into The Room and She Was Shouting:
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!"


I Walked In On Her Mother Tickling Her For Calling Her A Tool
Between giggles she manages to shout "This is something a Tool would do!"

When Asked Who Her Favorite Character Was
"Arnold Schwarzenegger!"*

*Not a character mind you, but Ahnold himself. She now owns almost every action figure ever released with his likeness even though I'm pretty sure she's never actually seen one of his movies. They alternate between helping her feed her babies and waging a neverending war for her love.

[Ravens_cry]

Best. Niece. Ever.
Seriously, that's thirteen kinds of awesome.
Hmm, well, I didn't see this, but apparently my three year old nephew was on Santa's lap and it was going quite well, until Santa said how much the kid had grown since last year, and the kid, with all the affronted dignity of a Tsar, said "I was not here last year; you are mistaken."

[Brother Oni]

My daughter used to warn me to be very careful with the kitchen knife as 'it was a shark' (she meant it was very sharp).

She was playing Halo: Reach with me and she kept on giggling 'Boom! Headshot!' every time she got one. I'm not allowed to play non-age appropriate games with her anymore.

Both my children used to watch me play World of Tanks. While at kindergarten the following day, my son built a tank out of stickle bricks, complete with rotating turret. All the other children immediately wanted one and built them - I imagine the rest of the afternoon was much like a typical WoT game (only with more competence).
Unsurprisingly, armoured warfare tactics aren't on the standard school cirriculum, so it made for an interesting meeting at the next parent-teacher consultation.

[rs2excelsior]

These are equally hilarious and terrifying.

No Context For This, I Just Walked Into The Room and She Was Shouting:
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!"

I believe this is the definition of parenting done right...

[Ravens_cry]

These are equally hilarious and terrifying.

What a strange way of spelling 'awesome' you have.

[Lentrax]

My daughter, on the subject of her underpants coming off her butt:

"Daughter, I can see your butt crack."
"Hey! My Butt not broke!"

[valadil]

We were working on his counting and I asked my son a question I thought would be pretty basic.

"Ben, how many wieners do you have?"
"Three!" *reaches down and checks his diaper region* "Four?"

[Techmagss]

I Turn The Corner To See Her Dragging A Large Doll Behind The Trashcan By Its Feet
She's humming to herself "Dispose of the body...."

...need some help there? My name's Winston Wolfe; I fix problems.

[YossarianLives]

My friends 4-year-old child would call people he didn't like 'fat humps'

[Dodom]

Can I deviate from stuff said and go for crazy things the kids do/like?
The kids at my 2 year old niece's daycare have been watching toy porn. Toy. Porn.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI0FKAIlSeU
Making 21 minutes long videos of just that sounds weird but they actually love it!



*: No, there's nothing inappropriate in the linked video, I call it porn because... you'll see.

[Ravens_cry]

My younger sister would call all dogs 'BUMS!' in a surprisingly deep bellow when she was very small.
As best as we can work out, the logic was puppy equals poopy equals poop and where does poop come from? Bums, of course, but we have no way to confirm or deny this.

[Kid Jake]

Can I deviate from stuff said and go for crazy things the kids do/like?
The kids at my 2 year old niece's daycare have been watching toy porn. Toy. Porn.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI0FKAIlSeU
Making 21 minutes long videos of just that sounds weird but they actually love it!



*: No, there's nothing inappropriate in the linked video, I call it porn because... you'll see.

I'm glad to know that she's not the only one that does that. I've been wondering what exactly the target audience is for grown men opening Disney surprise eggs for forty minutes....now I know. I suddenly want to start a Youtube channel for toddlers that's just me sternly insisting they click the next video in my queue or else. I'm now pretty sure that's the path to wealth and fame.

[wobner]

a couple i can remember off the top of my head

niece, at two, playing with match box cars, driving them into a small hole in a box
"oh no, help us, please, ARRRGGHHH!"

running around with a small plush duck, she dropped it, and suddenly looked about to cry
niece "Oh no, ducky's hurt!"
me "he's fine, just kiss him and make him better"
niece, suddenly indifferent "nope, he's dead"

[Ravens_cry]

running around with a small plush duck, she dropped it, and suddenly looked about to cry
niece "Oh no, ducky's hurt!"
me "he's fine, just kiss him and make him better"
niece, suddenly indifferent "nope, he's dead"

I am sure the OP's niece will help with the body.
***
When my youngest sister was in the cart with my mum as we were in Costco* when, as they went past large mutligallon tubs of strawberry jam, she yells out at the top of her little lungs . . . "MY TOILET!".
Now, you probably think there is some backstory here, and you are right. My sister was being toilet trained at the time, and we had one of those seats allegedly made to make it easier. However, for whatever reason, it didn't really sit right on the toilet proper. It was high up, and it wobbled, which, naturally made my little sister nervous, and naturally made her not want to go and do her business.
However, we did have a large empty tub, a large, mutligallon tub that once contained strawberry jam, and, to my mum's delight, the seat fit perfectly, and so my youngest sister's toilet training went smoothly.
The one snag was, well, now she referred to large, mutligallon tubs of strawberry jam as her 'TOILET!' to all within earshot.

[AGD]

My younger sister would call all dogs 'BUMS!' in a surprisingly deep bellow when she was very small.
As best as we can work out, the logic was puppy equals poopy equals poop and where does poop come from? Bums, of course, but we have no way to confirm or deny this.

That sounds a lot like something, that I said to my Friends on my Birthday. We have the Word "Geil" in Germany. That means something like "horny", but nowadays it is often used as a word like "super" or "mega". I said "Geil" one Time in front of my Parents without knowing anything about the earlier meaning of the word and my parents didn't wanted me to use it anymore, without saying much about why. When one of my Friends said that word on my birthday, I said to him, that he mustn't say the word. He asked why and I explained, what I had somehow deduced on my own about the word. "It has something to do with sex(I also didn't really know what sex was). Sex has something to do with girls and that is gross." My parents laughed really loud.

[wobner]

I am sure the OP's niece will help with the body.
***
*snip*

see, now i keep having visions of a three year old whistling the theme to the andy griffith show while feeding stuft animals into a wood chipper.


and whats more disturbing, i laugh.