Relationship Woes and Advice XXVI. Status: It's Complicated

[RoyVG]

So, Im feeling immensely depressed and messed up right now, and I don't know who to talk to as it involves my husband and a woman (and a man) who I had gotten close to lately and felt I could trust a lot. (I think you can see where this is going)

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Before I got engaged, I found out my now husband was cybering with...several..people online. To me, that is cheating, because he knew it would hurt me and lied about it directly, as well as the fact he was uncomfortable with me just being friends with another man. He swore he would stop, and I eventually forgave him, although it took a long time to get over it and feel completely comfortable with him around other people.

Lately, we made friends with another pair who are in an open relationship. I felt like I came to be good friends with the woman, the man less so just from lack of opportunity to talk to him, and I felt completely fine with the husband being around them.

Today I went on his computer to start up a game download for him to be ready when he got home from work and realised he'd left his skype signed in. It's wrong, but I admit I clicked on the man's name to glance at recent posts (I knew he'd been having some issues lately but hadnt talked to me, I was curious and wanted to see if he was seeming happier now) but without even having to scroll up I saw what looked like a cyber wrap up. I clicked on the woman's log too, and found he'd been cybering with the both of them, despite only last week we had a talk (completely unrelated to these two, it was just a hypothetical talk) about how I would be uncomfortable with him messing around with anyone else, even casually, and he promised he didnt do anything like that anymore. I've talked to the both of them, the man is mostly trying to spin it as my fault, saying I shouldnt be angry at my husband, should give him another chance, and that I am being controlling. The woman...seems genuinely apologetic and wants to fix things. She even admitted she wanted me involved too but stayed quiet because she knew that I accept if other people are in open relationships, but whether its irl or online I dont want such a thing myself.

Weirdly Im not as angry at the both of them as I should be, what's hurt me is the fact my husband swore in the past he would not do that anymore, but has gone behind my back and lied to me. He's been trying to call me all morning and I finally picked up, and while he said he loved me, the first things he was saying were along the lines of 'I understand you wont want to be with me' 'Im not the person you needed me to be'. Implying that without me saying a word to him, he was perfectly accepting of me wanting to leave him already without trying to fix it or asking what I wanted to do first.

The part that makes it worse is that he came to this country on a fiance visa, and we were in the process of finalising it to move him onto residency, and we've got a bunch of declarations from friends and family talking about how we love each other and our relationship is genuine. We've had problems in the past but I've stayed with him because I was never so angry or hurt that I would leave him and cause him to be deported before he was a resident.

Im not really sure what advice Im after here or if Im just looking to vent. It would be a few months at least before he got residency, and I feel like if I keep this up until then, I'll eventually just be bullied/coerced into going back to how things were and forgiving him, only to have this happen again. I would like to think it wouldnt, but he's already broken that trust once now. I dont know how to react to the woman either, I dont doubt she's doing damage control but she genuinely seems she wants to remain friends and fix things. I feel like I should be angry and hate her, but Im more disappointed in my husband than her for not saying 'no'

The worst part of it all, is that if he'd been honest with me in the beginning, if he'd sought my approval and respected my terms, while I would most definitely had said no at first, I might have been able to accept it if he wanted to casually mess around with someone in this setting. But instead all I got was a betrayal of trust

I'm really sorry for you to hear this, I have no experience on this field, never been in a relationship, let alone being married at some point or another so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

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You may not want to hear this but I'm going to say it regardless. He betrayed your trust before, so he will likely do it again in the future. Men are liars, period (as an inexperienced man I still stand by that point). If he says he won't do it again, don't trust him, just smile and nod but keep it in the back of your mind and learn to deal with those thoughts. The sooner you do that, the better. It may sound unhealthy for a relationship to keep bad thoughts about your boy- or girlfriend, husband or wife or even just a regular friend, but for me it helped me cope with bad experiences.

Spoiler: Personal experiences

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Some of the worst opinions I have about people are about my best friends and I only have them because I want to protect myself from dissappointments. I get really upset, bordering on a depression if a friend make an appointment with me to hang out and then forgets it or cancels it literally that same day (usually due to being sick or a headache). I don't want to blame them but after having it happened a little too often, I just pretend they do it on purpose and prepare for this dissappointment beforehand. Still I love being around them, and these thoughts only surface when they are not around. This may be more difficult between a husband and wife becaus eyou see eachother all the time.

Betrayal is the worst offence in a relationship in my opinion and the hardest offence to justify and rectify, and you should let him know that. If he is already apalogizing and saying things like 'I understand if you don't want to be with me', he may not have much hope of continuing together becasue of this, BUT you definitively need to get this straightened out and don't jump to any conclusion, he is also only saying that because he feels bad about it.

Good luck with finding a solution that works for both of you. If you feel the need to talk more private, you can send a PM.

[Sajiri]

Well, an update..

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For starters, I know some people wouldn't view cybering as cheating, because its just words. I know my husband and the woman think that way, but husband knows especially after the last time that it hurts me, and I'm of the opinion that if you're okay with something but it hurts someone else, you shouldn't be doing it. That woman was talking to me for most of the day, and things got complicated when she admitted that she was crushing on me. I'm not against being with women so the thought alone didnt make me uncomfortable, but not when Im already in a relationship, and uh....it was some rather awkward timing. I suspected it already but never read into it too much, so then I had two conflicting instincts to be angry at her for what she did, and to be sympathetic and not hurt her feelings if thats how she felt.

When the husband got home, he was apologetic at first, then started trying to turn things around to me being abusive and taking situations out of context (such as saying I beat him and talking about how I hit him in the past....the two situations being 1. when he was screaming in my face long ago and slapping my phone from my hand and not letting me leave so I hit him to try and get out of the house, the 2nd time being a complete accident when he was grabbing my arm in bed and I accidentally elbowed him in the face trying to shake him off, and he knew that). I was ready to leave him, I told him I'll only stay with him until his residency is done, but the woman was trying to get herself involved and mediate and was surprisingly taking my side (I suppose not so surprisingly in the end) and make him calm down. His attitude entirely changed when I told him if he'd been honest with me from the beginning I might have eventually accepted him doing that but instead he went behind my back. The thing here is that he is hypersexual, whereas Im leaning more asexual...I've always tried to meet in the middle with him but he was saying a lot of 'I just wanted to be with people who understood me' but telling him this, he was shocked and gutted to realise how hard I was trying to understand him and seemed like he realised how much he messed up.

I'm still hurt, and I'm not ready to just forgive him and move on, but I don't want to spend the next few months living with someone being angry and resenting them, so I want to try...I told him, I'd give him one more chance under conditions- he has to agree to letting me check his skype when I ask it (I don't need to read any of his personal conversations, I can just scroll up and know what it looks like when he starts cybering with someone), not staying up all night on his computer as he usually does, not get on voice chat with anyone after I've gone to bed, give me the space I need until/if I'm more comfortable with ever being affectionate/physical again and accept that I still might not get over it again. And this is only to get to a point of being able to trust him again.

This isnt the first person who's cheated on me. I've been cheated on by two boyfriends in the past (although that was physically with another person, not just cybering) and I do find it very hard to trust any men right now as it always seems to come down to me not being ready for/willing to be more physical, which I can understand I am difficult and if it's not fulfilling, but I've always felt if someone feels that way they should be honest about it, either be loyal or leave and not drag it out. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing in giving him another chance, even with these terms. I even said he could continue hanging out with that other couple providing he follows what I said like not staying up all night and doesnt close his door when he's talking to them. I'm also willing to try to forgive the woman with how remorseful she was and genuinely seemed she wanted to remain friends and fix things...that other man though I'm conflicted about, as he seemed plenty willing to say I shouldnt be angry at my husband and Im being controlling, Im only accepting to him just because I know he'd be around anyway but I like him a lot less than his girlfriend now.

[Astrella]

Just be careful you know? Like, him turning things around and trying to manipulate it as if you're being abusive when he lied and violated boundaries of your relationship is a big red flag. :/

[noparlpf]

That's really rough. I'm with you on this one. Cybering counts as cheating, especially if one person explicitly says it does. And doing something behind a partner's back is never cool. I don't really know what to tell you but I'm sorry you're in this situation right now.

[Sajiri]

Just be careful you know? Like, him turning things around and trying to manipulate it as if you're being abusive when he lied and violated boundaries of your relationship is a big red flag. :/

I know, and I wonder sometimes if he genuinely believes some of the things he says rather than just saying them to make it sound like my fault. He had an abusive upbringing himself, I tell myself it's no excuse to treat me that way but I can kind of understand why he's so defensive about his thoughts and actions, even though it's what causes these sorts of things.

The three of them spent all day yesterday bending over backwards trying to make me happy. I want to be able to forgive it, just for the sake that I don't want to be angry, but I worry if I do then it's just allowing for it to happen again and will make them think they can get away with it. Im feeling mostly conflicted now between wanting to move on and get over it, and wanting to stay angry so they know what they did was wrong and not let it be taken advantage of :/

[Form]

I know, and I wonder sometimes if he genuinely believes some of the things he says rather than just saying them to make it sound like my fault. He had an abusive upbringing himself, I tell myself it's no excuse to treat me that way but I can kind of understand why he's so defensive about his thoughts and actions, even though it's what causes these sorts of things.

The three of them spent all day yesterday bending over backwards trying to make me happy. I want to be able to forgive it, just for the sake that I don't want to be angry, but I worry if I do then it's just allowing for it to happen again and will make them think they can get away with it. Im feeling mostly conflicted now between wanting to move on and get over it, and wanting to stay angry so they know what they did was wrong and not let it be taken advantage of :/

You know, you could leave him. I'm not getting the sense that you've considered that option from this post and your previous one. Getting divorced is probably a hassle and it won't go smoothly, but in the long run it may very well be the best option. Especially if that's how it ends up anyway.

Considering how things are now and the breach of trust, I think you should at least give it some serious thought. If you can't trust your husband anymore and if you can't forgive (again? At least, from what I understand), then I'm not sure if there's enough left to base a relationship on anymore. You should prioritize what you want and need in this case.

[Spanish_Paladin]

Hi playground, this is not exactly a relationship woe, but i think it is enough related. Lately i have been considering the idea of use of internet to find a girlfriend, given the lack of sucess with more traditional methods. If you have experience with it, i'll be grateful to get your advice on the matter.

thanks :)

[dehro]

Hi playground, this is not exactly a relationship woe, but i think it is enough related. Lately i have been considering the idea of use of internet to find a girlfriend, given the lack of sucess with more traditional methods. If you have experience with it, i'll be grateful to get your advice on the matter.

thanks :)

A forum favourite seems to be placing your profile on okcupid... And using manners, nettiquette and common sense when you contact other people on it. I can attest that it's a website that does the job and not just for the more internationally/anglophone oriented.
There have, if memory serves me well, been a fair number of success stories and I myself am currently dating a woman met through it, besides having made a few online friends and having found another player for my d&d group

[Aedilred]

Although I haven't seen anyone do it in a while, it used to be fairly common for people to link their OKCupid profiles (or other dating-site, but OKC seems to be the most popular) here and ask for feedback. Some folk might be prepared to do that for you if you ask nicely and are prepared to let us see it.

[Spanish_Paladin]

I see, if OKCupid works, i can give it a try. There are other webs on a more local level i can try as well, what i want to know is if it has a good grade of success (duration and quality of the relationship).

[dehro]

That's an impossible question to answer, because the answer depends entirely on the individuals concerned. A guy, or girl, who has met someone who turned out to be a moron will answer accordingly, as will someone who met their life partner. The quality of what you get out of it does not depend on the inherent quality of the websites, but on the quality of your effort, your screening process and your ability to make the most of an opportunity for contact between you and someone whose profile sparks your interest. If you get in touch with three different people and decide to date one who later turns out to be the girlfriend from hell, that's the fault of your judgement, not of the website.
Simply being on the website, okcupid or whichever else does not net you any result nor give you any inherent right to expect results.
You still have to work on it, make your profile distinctive enough and appealing enough for girls to take an interest, make your approaches to other girls stand out in a positive way, show your qualities and character,... And even so, be prepared to get a lot of negative responses or to being ignored altogether, before you will find a handful of ladies who are looking for a guy just like you.
The Internet is a different medium than approaching someone in a pub or being introduced IRL. It has its own language, but other than that the dynamics of courtship and minimum requirements of social aptitude and manners are the same.
Anyway, you get out of it what you put in.. The website of your choice is a tool, not a fix. It cannot fix anything and is not responsible for the quality of results, the way a cellphone is not to blame for inappropriate pictures, drunken texting or creepy phonecalls. It's all up to you, online like IRL.

[Spanish_Paladin]

That's an impossible question to answer, because the answer depends entirely on the individuals concerned. A guy, or girl, who has met someone who turned out to be a moron will answer accordingly, as will someone who met their life partner. The quality of what you get out of it does not depend on the inherent quality of the websites, but on the quality of your effort, your screening process and your ability to make the most of an opportunity for contact between you and someone whose profile sparks your interest. If you get in touch with three different people and decide to date one who later turns out to be the girlfriend from hell, that's the fault of your judgement, not of the website.
Simply being on the website, okcupid or whichever else does not net you any result nor give you any inherent right to expect results.
You still have to work on it, make your profile distinctive enough and appealing enough for girls to take an interest, make your approaches to other girls stand out in a positive way, show your qualities and character,... And even so, be prepared to get a lot of negative responses or to being ignored altogether, before you will find a handful of ladies who are looking for a guy just like you.
The Internet is a different medium than approaching someone in a pub or being introduced IRL. It has its own language, but other than that the dynamics of courtship and minimum requirements of social aptitude and manners are the same.
Anyway, you get out of it what you put in.. The website of your choice is a tool, not a fix. It cannot fix anything and is not responsible for the quality of results, the way a cellphone is not to blame for inappropriate pictures, drunken texting or creepy phonecalls. It's all up to you, online like IRL.

Of course, i didn't ask for a objective expectation, i want to know if the experience of the playgrounders who use these webs was good or not. Perhaps i didn't express correctly, sorry.

[dehro]

yeah, sorry.. it just is something I have encountered often, that people don't quite understand the medium and how to .. behave.. on it.. so I tend to rant a bit about it.
speaking for myself, I found OKCupid to be one of the more accessible and functional websites. it seems to be pretty much devoid of scammers and people who pretend to be someone they're not. (or maybe I've just become good enough at filtering those out so I don't notice them anymore at all)... which is something that plagues most of these websites that are otherwise accessible here in Italy. You may still get the occasional mail from a woman in the Philippines or from Russia whom is sending that mail to pretty much anybody and who is most likely primarily interested in help leaving her country or in scamming you out of your money, but the occurrence is very very rare, compared to other websites of the same ilk.
other than that, my experience with it is pretty much what I expected it to be and yes, I am happy with the results so far. Of course I can't speak for others.
No idea about the state of affairs on okCupid in Spain, other than for the fact that one of the girls I met actually lives in Spain, so it must be a thing there too.

[RoyVG]

I once created a profile on a 'dating' site with a more specific target audience, in this case mostly towards gamers and anime/manga fans. I've had some contact with a couple of people but most stopped after only 3 or 4 times mailing to each other. So far there is only one girl who I actively speak to even after 6 months and we are still having a lot of fun together over Skype, so far I cannot complain. I'm hoping to meet her within the coming months, because she lives in the UK while I live in the Netherlands so it's a bit difficult to meet. We both want to meet up at some point.

But yeah, bottom line is that yes, it can work, but never get your hopes up that it will work, you just have to be fortunate enough that the people you find are interested in you as much as you are into them. Be sure to learn the rules and especially the ruses that you might encounter during your searches. Be cautious, but also dare to jump, just make sure you have a lifeline.

[Spanish_Paladin]

yeah, sorry.. it just is something I have encountered often, that people don't quite understand the medium and how to .. behave.. on it.. so I tend to rant a bit about it.
speaking for myself, I found OKCupid to be one of the more accessible and functional websites. it seems to be pretty much devoid of scammers and people who pretend to be someone they're not. (or maybe I've just become good enough at filtering those out so I don't notice them anymore at all)... which is something that plagues most of these websites that are otherwise accessible here in Italy. You may still get the occasional mail from a woman in the Philippines or from Russia whom is sending that mail to pretty much anybody and who is most likely primarily interested in help leaving her country or in scamming you out of your money, but the occurrence is very very rare, compared to other websites of the same ilk.
other than that, my experience with it is pretty much what I expected it to be and yes, I am happy with the results so far. Of course I can't speak for others.
No idea about the state of affairs on okCupid in Spain, other than for the fact that one of the girls I met actually lives in Spain, so it must be a thing there too.

I once created a profile on a 'dating' site with a more specific target audience, in this case mostly towards gamers and anime/manga fans. I've had some contact with a couple of people but most stopped after only 3 or 4 times mailing to each other. So far there is only one girl who I actively speak to even after 6 months and we are still having a lot of fun together over Skype, so far I cannot complain. I'm hoping to meet her within the coming months, because she lives in the UK while I live in the Netherlands so it's a bit difficult to meet. We both want to meet up at some point.

But yeah, bottom line is that yes, it can work, but never get your hopes up that it will work, you just have to be fortunate enough that the people you find are interested in you as much as you are into them. Be sure to learn the rules and especially the ruses that you might encounter during your searches. Be cautious, but also dare to jump, just make sure you have a lifeline.

Thank you guys, i suppose i will give it a try

[Dire Moose]

So, after I finally decided to move on from my previous failure at getting into a relationship, someone new showed up who I'm starting to like a lot. As trying to figure out everything myself hasn't really worked in the past, I'd like to know what you generally tend to do when you've just met someone and think there's a possibility of starting something.

I'm thinking of starting small, getting to know her through low-key stuff, maybe ask her out for ice cream or something after a week or so. However, I've had problems with starting too fast before. What do you usually do?

[RoyVG]

So, after I finally decided to move on from my previous failure at getting into a relationship, someone new showed up who I'm starting to like a lot. As trying to figure out everything myself hasn't really worked in the past, I'd like to know what you generally tend to do when you've just met someone and think there's a possibility of starting something.

I'm thinking of starting small, getting to know her through low-key stuff, maybe ask her out for ice cream or something after a week or so. However, I've had problems with starting too fast before. What do you usually do?

First things first, so far I've only felt really attracted to someone twice in my life, and the second one is still 'work in progress', so to speak.

What I've done is that I make promises to myself to never say something specific or do some kind of action until something happens between you and this one person. Set yourself limits and then goals that you think allow you to go past those limits. For example I have a crush on a girl that lives far away, I'm willing to say I love her after many months of Skype conversations, but I promised myself that I would not say 'I am in love with her', to her or myself, until the day I meet her in person. It may sounds strange, but I've managed pretty well so far in limiting how fast I want things to go, even if she does know I have a crush on her. I will say I am very afraid what will happen when we eventually meet.

Other than that, taking things slow is good, stay active in terms of talking and stuff like that but never try too much. Going for a coffee I think is a good way to start, it's low-key as you say and can be enjoyed by basically everyone, and sloooowly make your way up from there. But make sure you read her reactions towards you when you ask her to do things or when talking about things. If you see she is backing off, back off as well and start from the previous 'checkpoint' after some time has passed.

[Chen]

Do you know this person already? If they're basically a stranger to you and you ask them to go for coffee (assuming you don't just mean a coffee break at work or the like), they're going to likely assume its a date. There's nothing particularly wrong with that though.

Personally if you know a bit about them, and find them attractive (physically and/or otherwise) I don't really see a problem with just plain asking them out. Worst case is they say "no, not interested" and you move on. The whole playing it slow and waiting just delays the inevitable yes or no. If it delays the "no" you just end up feeling bad and having wasted time. If it delays the "yes", well...same thing really you just wasted a bunch of time you could have been spending together doing other things.

Now, if the person IS basically a complete stranger I'd try to get some gauge on their personality and stuff outside of asking em out. Group activities or the like. If they are a work colleague, sitting for lunch or coffee breaks at work. If they are friends of friends, talk to them in some sort of group get together. If it's not someone you can get to know better beforehand, then I say just go for it if you're interested.

[Jon_Dahl]

I want to know if my thinking is somehow perverted or if my thoughts on this matter are normal (What is normal?).

Whenever I have had a serious relationship with a woman, I have revealed her my idea: to have a child of a genius. The Canadians offer this chance at Fairfax Cryobank They only accept 1 out of every 200 applicants and they are all extraordinary men, unlike me. I believe in eugenics, but not in a nazi sort of way. Try not to draw narrow-minded and fast conclusions here, please.

I told this to my recent girlfriend and she got upset with the idea, but accepted. Now it's kind of hard to talk about it: She didn't like it, but she's willing to go through it with me. What can I do? I'm not forcing her!

Since she has accepted it, should I just make a plan to save up money for a trip to Canada or should I talk to her or something of the sort before doing that? All seems clear, but at the same time, unclear.

[Xapi]

Well, for starters, I think this is not something you should discuss with a girlfriend, but with someone with a higher level of commitment (Not necesarily married, but I think when you describe someone as your girlfriend that's probably not a step you'd want to take -I mean having children, in general-)

Also, I think that if she's upset about it, you probably shouldn't go through with it. This is not something she can sorta support you on, this is a child that you both would have.

Really doesn't sound like a good idea at all unless you are both very convinced.

[dehro]

Would this be the girlfriend you've had for barely a couple months and who lives several thousand km away from you?

[Dire Moose]

As it turned out, the person I was interested in already has a boyfriend. Although at least I learned that before trying anything.

And honestly, my recent attempts at getting into a relationship are not likely to have been good ideas in the first place. They happened due to my recent breakup and were rooted entirely on getting into a relationship just for the sake of having one and really had little to do with any connection between me and them. I justified my efforts by telling myself that at 27 I couldn't afford to wait and run the risk of being 30 and single, but any relationship made on that basis would most likely have failed spectacularly after a short time anyway.

So with that said, I think I really should back off and focus on other things for now.

...I'm still afraid I'll die alone though...

[Coidzor]

I want to know if my thinking is somehow perverted or if my thoughts on this matter are normal (What is normal?).

Whenever I have had a serious relationship with a woman, I have revealed her my idea: to have a child of a genius. The Canadians offer this chance at Fairfax Cryobank They only accept 1 out of every 200 applicants and they are all extraordinary men, unlike me. I believe in eugenics, but not in a nazi sort of way. Try not to draw narrow-minded and fast conclusions here, please.

I told this to my recent girlfriend and she got upset with the idea, but accepted. Now it's kind of hard to talk about it: She didn't like it, but she's willing to go through it with me. What can I do? I'm not forcing her!

Since she has accepted it, should I just make a plan to save up money for a trip to Canada or should I talk to her or something of the sort before doing that? All seems clear, but at the same time, unclear.

You might not be forcing her but you're pressuring someone you've yet to meet into getting pregnant with some random dude's frozen semen for your sake when you have a well documented lack of ability to keep up a healthy LDR with brazilian women who you continue to fetishize instead of consulting with any manner of professional who might actually be able to help you or provide adequate counsel.

You know, you could leave him. I'm not getting the sense that you've considered that option from this post and your previous one. Getting divorced is probably a hassle and it won't go smoothly, but in the long run it may very well be the best option. Especially if that's how it ends up anyway.

Considering how things are now and the breach of trust, I think you should at least give it some serious thought. If you can't trust your husband anymore and if you can't forgive (again? At least, from what I understand), then I'm not sure if there's enough left to base a relationship on anymore. You should prioritize what you want and need in this case.

Seconded, but then I thought Sajiri should have left the blaggard ages ago.

As it turned out, the person I was interested in already has a boyfriend. Although at least I learned that before trying anything.

And honestly, my recent attempts at getting into a relationship are not likely to have been good ideas in the first place. They happened due to my recent breakup and were rooted entirely on getting into a relationship just for the sake of having one and really had little to do with any connection between me and them. I justified my efforts by telling myself that at 27 I couldn't afford to wait and run the risk of being 30 and single, but any relationship made on that basis would most likely have failed spectacularly after a short time anyway.

So with that said, I think I really should back off and focus on other things for now.

...I'm still afraid I'll die alone though...

Figure out what you want and what you're truly actually scared of here.

Then proceed from there.

[dehro]

@diremoose 36 here, almost 37... And only recently started dating a woman I care for but don't love (yet? I am not sure of anything at this stage).. Also, i was born when my dad was 36...And he'd been with my mum for little more than a year prior to that.
In other words, being single at 30 is not the end of the world nor does it mean you'll die alone.
In fact, unless an explosion or an accident is involved, it's very likely you'll die alone whether you're single or not. And that's probably for the best.
On a more serious note, setting yourself a timetable is a good thing career-wise, but as for relationships, it just doesn't work that way. If you're the kind of guy who can't stay single for long, you're going to both suffer and cause inordinate amounts of heartache before you find Mrs right. Either learn to live in the knowledge of that fact, or see if you can actually manage without a girlfriend for some time and only get involved when you're actually feeling it, and not to chase away the ticking clock or some weird form of peer pressure.

[007_ctrl_room]

Hi playground, this is not exactly a relationship woe, but i think it is enough related. Lately i have been considering the idea of use of internet to find a girlfriend, given the lack of sucess with more traditional methods. If you have experience with it, i'll be grateful to get your advice on the matter.

thanks :)

ive actually been using LFGdating and have had some success so far.

[Jon_Dahl]

ive actually been using LFGdating and have had some success so far.

I only date women online. I've been doing this for years and, at least, I'm very experienced and well rounded in it. Something tells me, however, that there will be some cringing here if I were to advise you...

[Spanish_Paladin]

I only date women online. I've been doing this for years and, at least, I'm very experienced and well rounded in it. Something tells me, however, that there will be some cringing here if I were to advise you...

I want to listen uour advice on online dating, specially if you have a lot of experience on the subject.

[The Succubus]

I want to know if my thinking is somehow perverted or if my thoughts on this matter are normal (What is normal?).

Whenever I have had a serious relationship with a woman, I have revealed her my idea: to have a child of a genius. The Canadians offer this chance at Fairfax Cryobank They only accept 1 out of every 200 applicants and they are all extraordinary men, unlike me. I believe in eugenics, but not in a nazi sort of way. Try not to draw narrow-minded and fast conclusions here, please.

I told this to my recent girlfriend and she got upset with the idea, but accepted. Now it's kind of hard to talk about it: She didn't like it, but she's willing to go through it with me. What can I do? I'm not forcing her!

Since she has accepted it, should I just make a plan to save up money for a trip to Canada or should I talk to her or something of the sort before doing that? All seems clear, but at the same time, unclear.

"Recent girlfriend" and "lifetime commitment of having a child" seem rather incongruous to me. A child is something that both parts of a couple should be truly enthusiastic and invested in, not something you should have to have badger someone into.

I'd like to ask you something else. Supposing you do see this through to the end and the child does not turn out to be a "genius" - whatever your benchmark for this is. Will the child be a source of disappointment to you? What if the child turns out to have a genetic trait such as Down's Syndrome or something like that and your partner chooses to keep it. The child won't fulfil your criteria for "genius", so will you pressure your recent girlfriend into having an abortion?

Jon, I think you could really do with seeing a proper relationship therapist about this sort of stuff, rather than sourcing help from random forum visitors. Some of the ideas you've floated in the past have been kind of worrying, given that it wasn't too long ago that you found yourself in a troubled relationship with that other girl in Brazil. Please, take time to talk this stuff through with someone that is neutral and able to advise you properly, for the sake of your current girlfriend - and your own.

[lio45]

I want to listen uour advice on online dating, specially if you have a lot of experience on the subject.

Works great.

It took me years to get over the stigma. I'm self-employed in an overwhelmingly male field, and most of my best friends are male as well, so... the opportunities to be around potentially date-able women were really few and far between.

My first gf was from my uni years.
My second gf was in my late 20s and a friend of my sister.

(~2 years with each.)

Then when I became single I figured I had nothing to lose by trying online dating... after all, it is to our era of permanent connectedness the equivalent of bars a few decades ago and village square dances a century ago... it's a great way to meet people, no reason to be biased against it.

I dated several girls I met online, became in a relationship with three over the course of a few years (currently in a relationship with my third-gf-met-online-in-a-row, it's going to be a year soon)... she might be Mrs Right, but I'm also sure that if she isn't, my next gf will also be met online.

I agree with that other poster who said that if you want advice, you can share your profile with us, and we can give you feedback.

P.S. One of my good friends made a remark I'll never forget. He's been happily married for a few years now (and prior to that, was already in a super stable relationship)... he was last single 15+ years ago... and he said his only regret is that he will have missed the golden era of online dating. So... you don't have his misfortune, enjoy :)


Edited to add a comment on this:

Hi playground, this is not exactly a relationship woe, but i think it is enough related. Lately i have been considering the idea of use of internet to find a girlfriend, given the lack of sucess with more traditional methods. If you have experience with it, i'll be grateful to get your advice on the matter.

thanks :)

Lack of success with more traditional methods? Could you explain what exactly the problem was?

Online dating will instantly fix "lack of success due to a dearth of fresh single girls your age in your immediate real life surroundings" but for other causes, it won't be a direct fix...

On the other hand, it's also a great way to acquire experience, so I would personally recommend in it any case.

Be warned though: in my own experience, and it totally matches everyone else's as far as I've seen, there's a big assymetry when it comes to contacting others. Women get a ton of messages, men (have to) write a ton of messages. So, expect to have to do that.

For example, I have a friend who was also doing online dating at the same time as me... in real life we're both successful with women but on those sites we both had 5%-10% response rates, ever after lowering our standards a bit! There's THAT much competition, it seems.

Expect that you'll be the one having to contact the girls you think could be interested in you, and as I said, expect that you'll have to write a LOT. Initially I'd write totally custom messages, but after a while I started to copy/paste a lot... just making sure a few bits here and there applied to each girl.

It's the easiest, most realistic way to get anything done with online dating. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say it's the only way.

Make sure though that everything you say is true, honest, and not exaggerated. Never succumb to the temptation to try to portray yourself as anything other than the real you.

In my case I even downplayed my profile a bit (and didn't put my best pics either) because I wanted to make sure that girls met in person wouldn't be disappointed but rather the other way around. It probably lowered my response rate even further but in the end I think it was worth it.

YMMV of course.

[dehro]

My experience is a little different. My messages are always personal and tailored to the women I contact. Those women, more often than not, share, according to their profile, a fair share of common traits and interests with me. I still get ignored a lot, as most everybody does, but when I do get an answer, it's fairly common occurrence that a date results from it... Every woman I've dated or even chatted with has complained to me about copypaste messages that show no insight in their profile.
Mind you, I also tend to limit my approach only towards women that really interest me, which reduces the response rate, even further. I've gone through a fair number of dry spells, but less so than if I hadn't gone online...