Crappiest Mounts Ever

[KoDT69]

Belkar's war-weiner-dog sucked bad. What mounts have you guys seen in actual campaigns that just stunk up the game? My current campaign has a dwarven beast rider using a half-dire boar, that's really more like a war-pig...

[asqwasqw]

I am going to have a camel, does that count? I don't think it is crappy, just different.

[Kel_Arath]

me... (i was the wizards mount... he was slow and i was fast)

[Vaynor]

The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

[JaronK]

I use a mule in many games. Later, I upgrade it to a War Mule.

However, mules are awesome.

JaronK

[Arlanthe]

A giant cave lizard?

That's the weirdest I have had in any of my campaigns. It sank in a bog and died.

[Darkxarth]

The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

Vaynor, you win the thread with the Camel Wizard. I've heard of weirder things, like the Psionic Sandwich, but with the addition of the word "wise-cracking" you win.

Hmm... weird mounts...

My Gnome Druid tried to ride the Dwarf once, that didn't end well though...

[Closet_Skeleton]

Ah, the Warbeast Template. I want a War-Raptor...

Giant birds are pretty sucky.

[Threeshades]

me... (i was the wizards mount... he was slow and i was fast)

or wizard also uses another PC as mount. The wizard is a gnome and the mount is a half-orc barbarian.

[lacesmcawesome]

Same thing as others have, pretty much. In one campaign we had this gnome barbarian, and because of his size he would ride on top of me (half-orc samurai). He'd have us both roll strength checks, and once, we both rolled ones, so it dealt me some damage.

It pretty much went like this:

Gnome: Ok, I try to ride the half-orc
Me: I'm not your pack-mule
Gnome: I know, you're my faithful steed
Me: *sigh* whatever
DM: Roll strength checks
Me: ...1
Gnome: Hey, you're going to hate me for this. One!
Dm: Ok, so he tries to climb on top of you, but he uses his greataxe as an ice-pick. He splits you in half.

After arguing about it for a while, and about how that shouldn't have counted as an attack, or at least he should have died somehow, I got the DM to just scratch that and let him ride me without any checks.

Nice experience for my first game, eh?

[Threeshades]

Same thing as others have, pretty much. In one campaign we had this gnome barbarian, and because of his size he would ride on top of me (half-orc samurai). He'd have us both roll strength checks, and once, we both rolled ones, so it dealt me some damage.

It pretty much went like this:

Gnome: Ok, I try to ride the half-orc
Me: I'm not your pack-mule
Gnome: I know, you're my faithful steed
Me: *sigh* whatever
DM: Roll strength checks
Me: ...1
Gnome: Hey, you're going to hate me for this. One!
Dm: Ok, so he tries to climb on top of you, but he uses his greataxe as an ice-pick. He splits you in half.

After arguing about it for a while, and about how that shouldn't have counted as an attack, or at least he should have died somehow, I got the DM to just scratch that and let him ride me without any checks.

Nice experience for my first game, eh?

ouch but in this case it was a crappy rider.


I think actually any mount that can't fly or isnt a carnivore is crappy.

[KoDT69]

I wonder what would happen if we put a 6 inch tall Fairy with a dagger as a lance on top of a guinea pig... Would that qualify to use the charging feats and stuff? Or would the opponent get laughs of opportunity and a dodge dumb*** as a free action?

[Hyfigh]

ouch but in this case it was a crappy rider.


I think actually any mount that can't fly or isnt a carnivore is crappy.

I agree. It isn't tough to either dip into a class that allows a flying mount, ot wait until you're high enough to get one. I don't mind having a horse or something at first, but it only lasts until I can get something more worthwhile.

[Cocktail Umbrellas]

Peg-legged horse.

Two party members *had* some horses. Being that they were riding around in the Slags in Sigil, one of the horses ended up getting hoof rot. The necromancer/surgeon's horse. Instead of spending the gold to get medicine to fix it, he ended up ignoring it. Eventually it got pretty bad, but instead of letting it pass on, he decides to operate. So not knowing how to fix it through operation, he decides to amputate and replace all four legs with peg-legs. By the end it was probably more of a table than a horse, but for two days before the poor creature died it was the slowest clumsiest mount ever.

[KoDT69]

That's just wrong

[elliott20]

Peg-legged horse.

Two party members *had* some horses. Being that they were riding around in the Slags in Sigil, one of the horses ended up getting hoof rot. The necromancer/surgeon's horse. Instead of spending the gold to get medicine to fix it, he ended up ignoring it. Eventually it got pretty bad, but instead of letting it pass on, he decides to operate. So not knowing how to fix it through operation, he decides to amputate and replace all four legs with peg-legs. By the end it was probably more of a table than a horse, but for two days before the poor creature died it was the slowest clumsiest mount ever.

I had a funny response in the first place but this post just killed it...

that's... that's just so messed up I don't know where to begin...

[JackMage666]

Who hasn't rode a half-orc before, seriously? It was the first thing I accomplished in D&D.

I always though an advanced Dire Rat would make a strange mount for a small character.
Or, better, yet, a Dire Toad!

[Latronis]

Ive never ridden a half-orc before

though i have ridden an orc

then i got in trouble by the paladin

apparantly he thought it was evil to do that to a prisoner

[lacesmcawesome]

Ive never ridden a half-orc before

though i have ridden an orc

then i got in trouble by the paladin

apparantly he thought it was evil to do that to a prisoner

pfft.
paladins and their "prisoner's rights"

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

I would say cow, but that's an awesome mount. So I'll go with this; Horses. I mean come on! Who's idea was it to ride those? Jeez! That's like using an axe to chop wood.

[Annarrkkii]

Giant Firefly.

What the spoon?

[Zincorium]

Giant Firefly.

What the spoon?

For additional cool points, name it Serenity.

[Woot Spitum]

I had a spider-eater mount once, but it wasn't crappy. (Try finding a flying mount with better maneuverability. I don't think there is one.)

[Annarrkkii]

For additional cool points, name it Serenity.

No. Because you lose all those cool points when the moronic creature is commanded, by its oh-so-proud rider, to "Light." To demonstrate its prowess and specially-tailored ability, it flies within 10 ft. of the ground in pitch darkness, and gets nailed by a longspear.

And dies. 19 HP, AC 13, useless special ability that negates purpose of flight, no attacks worth noting...

Sure, its got darkvision. It can see its foe more than 10 ft. away. Unfortunately it has no brain, and its blind rider just guides it on...

Explain to me the cool points once more?

[Viscount Einstrauss]

Giant Hulking Hurler cohort. Comes with ejector seat.

[Da Beast]

This thread is made of win.

[WarBrute]

I once had a Dwarven Cleric ride a floating Throne Chair

[Reptilus]

I once played an awakened Hyena. One of the party members tried to ride me after I told him not to, and I actually literally killed his character. He probably though I was the worst mount ever. I woulda let any others ride me, too. Just not the quasi-fascist LN fighter.

[Jaguira]

I should like to ride a Flumph some day

[Assassinfox]

Dire Slug...