Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?

[PrinceOfMadness]

*****Not allowed to attempt to charge the players for access to said patches.

[Anonymouswizard]

****** May not release a new patch a week later with the sole purpose of fixing all the bugs the old patch introduced.
******* The new patch will, of course, be hastily put together and bug ridden.

* Gilgamesh is not a valid superhero concept.
** Especially Fate/Prototype Gilgamesh.
*** May not catch villains by stripping naked. Even with maximum ranks in attractive.
**** The police would prefer it if I didn't kill worthless criminals.

I'm ready for a mutants and masterminds game.

[JAL_1138]

*When asked for either a) tips on how to roleplay a bard, or b) what my character concept for my current bard is, I may not simply pull up "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" (NSFW, language) and call it a day.

[arclance]

*Not allowed to talk a random encounter into servitude.

(Not my character)
** May not intimidate a Mimic into being a pet.
*** May not have it replace my severed hand.
**** May not have it pretend to be my backpack.
***** Feeding it pieces of broken adamantine armor does not help.

In a recently started game after finding a floor of magic item creation

Players
* I may sacrifice sand to the floor.
** I may sacrifice more sand the floor.
*** I may sacrifice a brick to the floor.
**** I may sacrifice random junk to the floor.

? Ninja
* I may not roll around on the floor.
** The sand on your clothing may not be turned into Monks Robes by the floor.

Goblin Druid (Me)
* I may not cut off my finger with the unlosable plot device ring on it and sacrifice it to the floor.
** Especially if I wave my stump around to get better blood coverage.
*** The floor may not create a Rod of Thunder and Lightning and grow my finger back.
**** This will drain the power from every other section of the magic floor that is still active.
***** I will not complain when the NPCs become hostile.
****** It is my fault the ceiling and walls are getting closer.

Dhampir Fighter
* I may cover a large area of the floor with sand and get a double size haversack with regenerating supllies.
** I may not sacrifice several objects and somehow get 3 pairs of Gloves of Storing.

* I May loot a brick off one of the hostile NPCs from the magic floor room.
** I May determine the brick is hollow by its weight.
*** I May not find one of the master rings that can remove and track the unlosable plot device rings inside.
**** I May not remove several peoples rings and put five on one hand and put the rest on a string to make a bracelet for that hand.
***** Just because the rings make the finger they are on grow back does not mean you should cut your hand off to see if the bracelet does that for you whole hand.
****** The hand is a separate creature now and may be hostile.
******* Not to figure out I can command my severed hand monster and have it reattach to my arm.

DM
* May not roll random items again.
** Especially if I use that table for Lv.1 PCs.
*** Must select or create all magic loot myself in the future.

[JAL_1138]

*May not ban crossbows in 5e just because I'm sick of people whining about not being able to dual-wield crossbows or not being able to fire them as rapidly as a longbow or shortbow.

**May not suggest that weapon use have any basis in plausibility and/or real life on an internet forum.

***There is thread upon thread of people complaining about that but NOBODY IS BOTHERED BY THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T STAB SOMEONE WITH THE SPEARPOINT ON A HALBERD OR STAB WITH A MEDIÆVAL HAND-AND-A-HALF SWORD

[Almarck]

**** or the fact that swords cannot cause bludgeoning damage by using pommel strikes.

[goto124]

***** May not implement sunder rules for using bludgeoning strikes with swords.
****** Not that kind of sword.

[JAL_1138]

**** or the fact that swords cannot cause bludgeoning damage by using pommel strikes.

*****Fencing manuals--plural--of the day referred to the pommel strike as the murder-blow, after page upon page of how to stab, slash, or disembowel someone, so that should say something about the effectiveness of the technique.

[Anonymouswizard]

*****Fencing manuals--plural--of the day referred to the pommel strike as the murder-blow, after page upon page of how to stab, slash, or disembowel someone, so that should say something about the effectiveness of the technique.

* When someone tries to bring realism into the game, I should decide if it makes the game more or less balanced.
** May not replace the wizard's spells with card tricks.

[Wookieetank]

* When someone tries to bring realism into the game, I should decide if it makes the game more or less balanced.
** May not replace the wizard's spells with card tricks.

***May not use sleight of hand and flash paper as a bard to convince people I'm a wizard.

[JAL_1138]

***May not use sleight of hand and flash paper as a bard to convince people I'm a wizard.

****Why not? You're a bard! Bluffing and fake identities are what you do!

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not bitch about the ugly white space at the top and bottom of my character sheet.
** I mean seriously, they manage to make good use of the width.
*** What do you mean 'not designed for A4'! It's the standard paper size!
**** International paper size!

* May not give my character's dimensions in Cubits, Hands, Fingers, Kilometers, Light Years, or loaves of bread.

[Wookieetank]

****Why not? You're a bard! Bluffing and fake identities are what you do!

Edit: ***May not make a more convincing wizard than the actual party wizard with only flash paper and sleight of hand as a bard.

Better?

[Rater202]

*When using Bardic Music to calm down and boost the mood and confidence of my allies, I may not sing out loud IRL.
**Also, my bardsong is not allowed to be the theme from Fraggle Rock.
***Not even if it works in real life.

[illyahr]

Edit: ***May not make a more convincing wizard than the actual party wizard with only flash paper and sleight of hand as a bard.

Better?

Raistlin Majere totally did the whole Sleight of Hand/Flash Paper thing before it was cool. Does that make him a hipster?

[JAL_1138]

Edit: ***May not make a more convincing wizard than the actual party wizard with only flash paper and sleight of hand as a bard.

Better?

No, that's completely viable. You're a bard, you can take a hit and are pretty decent in a stand-up fight compared to the squishy wizard. So you pretend to be the wizard--wearing armor under your robes--and the wizard dresses up like a random schmuck with a weapon (or even as a commoner). Maybe even going so far as to keep a shield slung across their back, depending on edition, since that gave better AC against getting attacked from behind in 2e and arguably didn't count as armor (although I may be misremembering how or if it impacted spell failure chance).

Then, when the enemies are trying to mob you instead of the real wizard, or when the nobles or merchants or whatever are distracted by your wizard impersonation, the wizard (who looks like some random schmuck) casts a spell and catches them completely off guard.

EDIT: Also, yup. Worked for Raistlin, although he was an actual wizard pretending to be a better wizard.

[Ksheep]

* May not give my character's dimensions in Cubits, Hands, Fingers, Kilometers, Light Years, or loaves of bread.

** Beard-Seconds is right out

[JAL_1138]

** Beard-Seconds is right out

***That goes double for Smoots.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I cannot use Dominate Monster to get a date.

* If a player wants to play an elf, I should mention what they look like before the game begins.
** When the player gets confused at my description is not the best time to show them a picture of a Chinese woman.
*** I can no longer have Asian elves, they must be super white.

[DigoDragon]

* I cannot use Dominate Monster to get a date.

What about raisins?

[JAL_1138]

* If a player wants to play an elf, I should mention what they look like before the game begins.
** When the player gets confused at my description is not the best time to show them a picture of a Chinese woman.
*** I can no longer have Asian elves, they must be super white.

****...not gonna call the player a racist, but...that's kinda racist?

[Anonymouswizard]

****...not gonna call the player a racist, but...that's kinda racist?

Hasn't actually happened, although something similar happened with druids. I haven't had a chance to run a game since I came up with that setting, but in the group I'd likely play it in I'm the only one who has ever played a non white character, so I totally expect it if I force them to play a character that doesn't look like what they want.

There will probably be accusations of me having a thing for Asians. It's actually true, but that's not the reason I'm doing it.

The setting is also a backlash against every race in D&D being presented as white, so my humans have a middle eastern look and culture, the elves are very Chinese, and I'm still working out where to put the others, although I'll probably end up with Russian dwarves.

[Wookieetank]

Russian dwarves.

In Mountainhome, ore mines you. I approve of this so hard.

As DM
*Not to send a low level party into a dungeon to retrieve magical rings, they're just going to keep them.
**Not to fill the dungeon full of cursed rings outside of the requested rings just to spite them.
*When the party is captured by elves and taken to their treetop village, not to be surprised when they still try to break free.
**Putting them into hanging jail cells that one must not jostle too much or risk falling to their doom, while hilarious for me, will earn me my players' ire.
***Not to be surprised by the inevitable jailbreak despite the odds stacked against the party.

[JAL_1138]

Hasn't actually happened, although something similar happened with druids. I haven't had a chance to run a game since I came up with that setting, but in the group I'd likely play it in I'm the only one who has ever played a non white character, so I totally expect it if I force them to play a character that doesn't look like what they want.

There will probably be accusations of me having a thing for Asians. It's actually true, but that's not the reason I'm doing it.

The setting is also a backlash against every race in D&D being presented as white, so my humans have a middle eastern look and culture, the elves are very Chinese, and I'm still working out where to put the others, although I'll probably end up with Russian dwarves.

In one of my settings, all naturally-occurring humanoids (and natually occurring monstrous humanoids, at least where they aren't furred) are Ambiguously Brown, with slightly almond-shaped eyes and dark hair. If you saw one of the setting's humans on Earth, they could be practically any race with no real way to tell but asking outright. Species difference between the Big Five is mostly in height, build, ear shape, proportions, etc.

[ryu]

What about raisins?

Are you talking about using dominate monster to obtain raisins or using raisins to obtain a date?

[Ksheep]

Are you talking about using dominate monster to obtain raisins or using raisins to obtain a date?

I believe he was making a pun, reading date as "date palm", specifically the fruit of the date palm, which looks kinda like an oversized raisin.

[DigoDragon]

Are you talking about using dominate monster to obtain raisins or using raisins to obtain a date?

I believe he was making a pun, reading date as "date palm", specifically the fruit of the date palm, which looks kinda like an oversized raisin.

I meant the pun that Ksheep mentions above, but the thought of using raisins as some odd pickup line to get a date sounds like a weird challenge one of my past players would attempt.

[Anonymouswizard]

I meant the pun that Ksheep mentions above, but the thought of using raisins as some odd pickup line to get a date sounds like a weird challenge one of my past players would attempt.

That was an attempt at a scene at a theatre summer school I attended. Didn't make it into the final performance though.

[JAL_1138]

*May not base PC stats on the results of a six-shot group at 15 yards at the shooting range.
**Especially if some of them apparently flunked out of the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy and one of them could shoot the wings off a fly at twenty paces.
***Must refrain from using excessive southernisms.

*May not play the a-guard-has-spotted-you "!" sound effect from Metal Gear Solid when someone fails a stealth check.

[Rater202]

*There is not a system in existance with grappling rules capable of letting me recreate the Kinniku buster*

*Or Muscle Buster, for those of you who are only familiar with Kinnikuman through Ultimate Muscle, the only good 4kids dub**.
**It was Kinnikuman Nisei in the original japanese