Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?

[DigoDragon]

**** Does it involve the father?

***** Banned from involving any father-in-law warlord with the name of 'Ragnarok' into any contractual agreement.

****** You're not even in the game, I'm sure the player himself has thought of all the above, plus a thousand other things you did not think of.

******* No longer allowed to plan marriages via the Indiana Jones method of planning.
******** Should not hijack a sea captain for sealing a marriage proposal without informing said captain of what he's actually supposed to be doing.
********* Not allowed to take up the tavern owner's offer to find a priestess in order to make the marriage more official when we've only been engaged for 3 minutes.
********** Especially when the only priestess available worships a dark goddess of the night.

**May not point out that until the characters are burried in his and hers graves with "beloved, loving, and dedicaed spouse" carved on the headstone, all improvements in relationship status mean is that they've been upgraded to express shipping.

*Snerk*

[goto124]

********** May not insist that a dark goddess of the night is 'close enough'.
*********** May not ask how Digo knows it's 3 minutes and not, say, 5 or 10 minutes of in-universe time.
************ May not ask what the 'Indiana Jones method of planning' is.
************* May not stalk both the IC and OOC threads.

************** May not repeat my question on how marriage laws work in Fallout Equestria.

* May not admit I can't spell Equestria, and keep using google to get the correct spelling.

[Anonymouswizard]

* My bard should not be visiting the whorehouse to gather information.
** Especially if he's celibate.
*** Bards should not be celibate, isn't that in the job description?
**** When I meet the fighter in there, my first reaction should not be 'I'll tell the cleric to be on standby'.

* My character cannot propose to every woman he meets.
** Or every man he meets.
*** Surely the incubus should have stopped me from playing bisexual characters.

* My alchemist cannot dilute potions of remove disease and then head to the red light district.

[Lord Torath]

****May not point out that contracts signed while blind drunk are not enforceable against the impaired party so the spell-related memory tweaking is the only way that could work, in which case why bother getting him drunk and just use Charm Person or Dominate (and tweak his memory about that if it's 5e and he'll know he's been charmed when it wears off).

******May not get him to sign a form refusing his permission forever, and use Mistaken Missive to reverse the meaning of the document.

[Anonymouswizard]

******May not get him to sign a form refusing his permission forever, and use Mistaken Missive to reverse the meaning of the document.

******* May not use this as an example when arguing that a devil does not own my soul to imply that I own the devil's soul.
******** May not try this with archdevils.

[JAL_1138]

******May not get him to sign a form refusing his permission forever, and use Mistaken Missive to reverse the meaning of the document.

*May not point out that mistake can be grounds for a recission of a contract under certain circumstances, and changing the terms once signed is outright fraud. Best to use persuasion-based (not bluff or intimidate based) diplomancy, or charm/dominate + modify memory (so they believe they signed it of their own free will and it will show up that way to Detect Lie or Zone of Truth).

*May not neglect to tell players I'm a lawyer before they try contract shenanigans.

[Rater202]

************ May not ask what the 'Indiana Jones method of planning' is.

*************May not point out that that it's "make it up as you go along"

[Lord Raziere]

* I may not be an expert at the Indiana Jones method of planning
** even if its true.

[DigoDragon]

************** May not repeat my question on how marriage laws work in Fallout Equestria.

*************** Not allowed to assume that they're more just guidelines than laws.
**************** Even if courts aren't a thing in post-apocalyptic settings.
***************** Also banned from cheeky comments that my character is riding such a high that he'd dance on command.
****************** Because the GM will totally call me out on it and I'm not allowed to burst into The Dance of My People.
******************* Also banned from table dancing, the Tango, the Macarena, and Flash Mobbing.

[Erth16]

* Not to have the crypt containing the wrathful souls of the world's greatest heroes guarded by a single skeleton of a commoner.
** The world's greatest hero should not be a master of dual wielding lacerating dirks.
*** The world's greatest heroes should not have fused their souls inside a massive suit of armor, wielding a longsword and a dirk
**** The suit of armor is not to throw away the longsword and begin quad wielding dirks, as the greatest hero was a half elf dual classed ranger- two weapon fighter.
***** He is not to later just say screw the dirks and turn into a rakshasha.
****** Especially when he was only damaging his opponents while wielding the dirks.
******* He should not have had 450 hp either, against a party with no form of spell casting whatsoever.
********But no man, he's like, really good with those dirks, is not a valid excuse for him having 3 turns per round.

*The final boss for said party should not be a dracolich with 600 hp and two turns per round.

[Ksheep]

* I should not challenge the rough-and-tumble bar fighter/gunslinger to a duel with swords
** Even if he has never seen a sword before in his life and I am very well versed in swordplay
*** I should not be surprised when he manages to use his bar fighting tactics to get the upper hand and beat me
**** I should be grateful that he decided to only stab me in the stomach (twice) instead of killing me outright

* When I come to a backwater town and find that I'm a folk hero due to a botched heist I tried to pull years ago, I shouldn't try to take advantage of it
** Especially if the target of the heist is still around and in charge of the town
*** I shouldn't be surprised when my (former) partner (whom I turned on during the heist) is also still around
**** Especially if I left him for dead in my escape
***** Shouldn't be surprised when said former partner and target of my heist team up to try and kill me for my past deeds

* When planning a heist, it's standard procedure to make sure everyone is fully briefed on their plans, disguises are in place, cover stories are settled, and everyone gets training in how to bluff
** When the DM just skips through the scene that I'm a part of without prompting me to use my cover story, I shouldn't go ahead and tell everyone anyway
*** Especially if we've already been admitted by security

* After being tortured by the BBEG, breaking free, and confronting him, it's perfectly acceptable for me to ask my party members to assist
** No, seriously, this isn't something I have to do on my own
*** I've been tortured to within an inch of my life continuously for the past three days, do you really think I have the strength to beat him on my own?

* No grenades

[CantigThimble]

* When I come to a backwater town and find that I'm a folk hero due to a botched heist I tried to pull years ago, I shouldn't try to take advantage of it
** Especially if the target of the heist is still around and in charge of the town
*** I shouldn't be surprised when my (former) partner (whom I turned on during the heist) is also still around
**** Especially if I left him for dead in my escape
***** Shouldn't be surprised when said former partner and target of my heist team up to try and kill me for my past deeds

The hero of canton, the man they call Jayne!

[GrayGriffin]

* No longer allowed to make fake dating sim screenshots starring my character.
** No matter how much the other players approve.

*** No longer allowed to make fake text messages starring my character and another player's character.
**** Again, no matter how much he approves.
***** Especially not allowed to call back to said fake dating sim screenshots in the texts.

[Rater202]

*Any plan that ends in one of my characters being reduced to smoking limbless torso is to be classified as a "failure"
**Just because I can regenerate and come back stronger does not mean I can retroactively claim that this was my plan all along.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I should not challenge the rough-and-tumble bar fighter/gunslinger to a duel with swords
** Even if he has never seen a sword before in his life and I am very well versed in swordplay
*** I should not be surprised when he manages to use his bar fighting tactics to get the upper hand and beat me
**** I should be grateful that he decided to only stab me in the stomach (twice) instead of killing me outright

***** Yes, they can take the sky from me.

[JAL_1138]

*May not let my hair out of a bun in the presence of the strange lobotomized girl.
**Or the war-veteran first mate.
***I am putting the hair away now.

[Lord Torath]

****It won't help. She will still know it's there.

Spoiler: Slow on the uptake

Show

I didn't get the Firefly reference until Failed Heist/Folk Hero bit. Then it occurred to me that the previous bit was from Mr. Wing's perspective.

[JAL_1138]

****It won't help. She will still know it's there.

*****Waiting.

[TurboGhast]

*Any plan that ends in one of my characters being reduced to smoking limbless torso is to be classified as a "failure"
**Just because I can regenerate and come back stronger does not mean I can retroactively claim that this was my plan all along.

Joke furthering.
***Even if you know the villains are totally doing this.

[DigoDragon]

* No longer allowed to suggest dating an NPC big enough that they can climb like a tree.

[Anonymouswizard]

* No longer allowed to suggest dating an NPC big enough that they can climb like a tree.

** May not work out a way to consummate the resulting marriage.
*** With dragons, the word has an s.
**** Droit du seigneur does not extend to the local dragons.

[goto124]

** May not suggest Enlarge Person or Enlarge Pony.
*** Do those spells even exist in the setting?

[DigoDragon]

*** With dragons, the word has an s.

**** Forbidden from taking a guess at that word.

** May not suggest Enlarge Person or Enlarge Pony.
*** Do those spells even exist in the setting?

**** If magic is insufficient in resolving the obstacle, I will not suggest 'Science!'

[JAL_1138]

**** If magic is insufficient in resolving the obstacle, I will not suggest 'Science!'

*****Especially if I'm playing a tinker gnome.
******Not allowed to play a tinker gnome.
*******Not only am I forbidden from including tinker gnomes in any way shape form or fashion in my own setting, this now applies to Greyhawk, Planescape, Spelljammer, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Dark Sun, Mystara and Forgotten Realms whenever I'm a player. They do not exist. Ordinary gnomes are ok.
********Cannot play an ordinary gnome like a tinker gnome.

*Despite what the rules imply, the world does not respect and fear the mighty halfling military's armored archers and light skirmishers.

[Wookieetank]

Not mine, but all pulled off by one of my brothers while I was DM.

As a tinker gnome:
*No longer allowed to invent mechs
**May not then equip my settlements' military with mechs
***Proceeding to then build the first railroad is right out.
****Having grown bored of land transportation methods, not to begin with airborne transportation.
*****Upon creating a flying saucer of doom and spinning blades, not to take it out dragon hunting.
******May not 1-shot a red dragon with a ballista, even with appropriate magical aid and superior crafted ammo.

Was a lot of fun to DM that group.

[JAL_1138]

*May not cast Heat Metal on an armored opponent's codpiece again.

[Ksheep]

* I may not bill the campaign as "It's like Lord of the Rings, but with Tinker Gnomes"
** Nor is it "Like Harry Potter, but with Tinker Gnomes"
*** Anything described as "Like _____, but with Tinker Gnomes" is vetoed
**** Except maybe Artemis Fowl, but only because they'd fit right in there.

[goto124]

*May not cast Heat Metal on an armored opponent's codpiece again.

** May not make lame jokes about the opponent being 'hot'.
*** He easily overheats without your magical help anyway!
**** May not point at real-life evidence to support the above statement.

[omnitricks]

*I may no longer throw money (or promise a big payday) at NPCs to try and draw out their 200%
**I may no longer make PCs who are good at photography in order to blackmail everyone
***I may no longer make PCs who think they are extremely good spellcasters which use explosives as their materials/focus
****I may no longer have my PCs running around shouting anything which remotely resembles "Viva la revolution!" for no good reason
*****I may no longer play the theme of Pacific Rim on my phone when my GM introduces an enemy which is a lot larger than us
******I may no longer shoot the BBEG in the face before he even introduces himself as the BBEG just because he dresses up like a goth
*******I may no longer have my PC bring little kids along with him as adventure apprentices which are actually meat shields against paladins
********I may no longer investigate the plot until the party has sufficiently grinded levels so the BBEG has no reason to move up the calendar
*********I may no longer solve all interparty conflict with a dance off especially when everyone including myself has no dancing skills
**********I may no longer have a PC which is good at weaving. No, nets cannot be weaved. Just no! And stop saying only real men weave.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I can no longer be more attractive than the bard.
** May not be true in-game either.
*** My magician cannot offer to make the bard hotter.
**** The ideal spell for this is not burning hands.
***** Or fireball.
****** Or Delayed Delayed Blast Fireball.